Ned Martin’s Amused
A collection of things that amused me: I believe you can tell a lot about a person from what amuses them, or sometimes, what doesn’t amuse them. So, when I come across something that amuses me, this is where it goes.
Find things which have amused me recently, or browse around the categories below.
Printed on 100% recycled electrons.
Ned Martin’s Amused Categories
aboriginal accidents advertising aeroplanes africa agony aunt alcohol alligators alphabet america animals animated apple apples april fools art asian audio australia babies balloons bananas banks bathrooms batman beaches bears beds beer bikes billboards bill gates birds blonde board games boats bones boobs books bras bread brisbane britain browsers bsod bugs bunnies buses business cards calendars camping canada cars cartoons carving cats chairs charts cheating chickens children chinese chocolate chrome clippit cocaine coffee comics communist computer games computers condoms cooking coronavirus cows crocodiles crocs daleks darth vader dating dear abby democracy dinosaurs disaster doctors dogs dolphins donkeys driving drugs drunk dr who ducks earth earthquake easter education eggs egyptians einstein elderly elephants emus english evolution exams explosions facebook families famous people fans fashion feminine hygiene feminists fire firefox fish fishing flash flies flowcharts fonts food football france frogs fruit funerals games gay geeky george bush germany giraffes girls god grammar guns halloween hands harry potter hats heaven history horror movies horses ikea illusion imagery internet internet explorer ios ipad iphone iphone 6 ireland irish it jail jewish jobs joke jokes kangaroos kevin rudd kitchens kittens koalas kookaburras kristen stewart languages laptops libraries lightbulbs linux lions logan lord of the rings love mac magpies marijuana mario marriage math mayans medical memory men messages meth microsoft milk mobiles money monopoly moose mothers motorbikes movies movie stars music musicians muslim newspapers new zealand ninjas nokia north korea notices nsw obama ocd oceans opera otters paper parenting parking parrots penguins petrol phones photography pie charts pigs pirates pizza police political politicians posters predictions pregnancy protests psychotherapists puns queensland quotations rabbits racing racist racoons rallies redheads redneck reincarnation relationships religious rice risqué roads robots rock rocks romance safari samsung school science scott morrison seagulls seals sex sexist sharks ships shirts shoes shopping shops signs sms snakes snow space spelling spiders sport spying sql star wars steve jobs stickers submarines sunbathing sunburn superman tattoos teachers technology telstra terrorism the rock toilets tongues tools toys trees trucks tshirts turtles tv underwear unicycles university usb vegan vegetables vintage war warnings whales wifi wikileaks windows wine witches women woolworths words work zebras zombies
…to get to the point; why does your calendar end in 2012? Oh, that’s just a temporary problem in the beta version!
A man took his wife to the Rodeo and one of the exhibits is that of breeding bulls…
I stay up late every night, and realise it’s a bad idea every morning.
People from around the world opening beer in their own unique ways.
Have you seen Pulp Fiction? Yeah, but I didn’t like it.
Sharks are a lot friendlier without pointy teeth.
A hippopotamus has swallowed a dwarf in a circus accident…
Gee you’re right, humans don’t land on their feet.
Something’s just not right—our air is clean, our water is pure, we all get plenty of exercise, everything we eat is organit and free-range, and yet nobody lives past thirty.
Your boss called to say you’re fired. So I bought your favourite soy sauce…
You may have heard on the news about a Southern California man who was put under 72-hour psychiatric observation when it was found he owned 100 guns and allegedly had 100,000 rounds of ammunition stored in his home…
The Fellowship of the Ring.
My greatest social fear: The Accidental Conversation Loop.
The second amendment gives Americans the right to bear arms. I think many have taken this out of context.
I don’t always smile, but when I do, I don’t.
Introducing the New Zealand All Blacks Bra. All the support, but no cup.
Alien blood transfusions are illegal for ghosts, but beach chickens win!
A collection of creative Apple MacBook stickers & decals.
Inject Yourselves with Disinfectant!
The typical “evolution of man” poster, except the man is facing his “earlier ancestors” saying “Stop following me!”
You weren’t even listening just now, were you? What a weird way to start a conversation.
I took the shell off my racing snail, thinking it would make him run faster.
For the benefit of passengers using Apple iOS6, local area maps are available from the booking office.
I can’t believe she didn’t press charges. It got worse when he posted the unpeeled photos of her.
Marriage: Before & After (Chicken Style).
A heavy metal guitarist chicken
You must stare very closely at the door in this image for around 30 seconds…
Angry Birds Australia…
Food only. Absolutely no science in this microwave.
If someone from the 1950s suddenly appeared today, what would be the most difficult thing to explain to them about life today?
Long story short, we’re in love. I know it seems sudden but life is sudden like that, you know? Anyways, best of luck finding your fish.
The depressing ratio between your bank account, and your gas tank.
Perfect Existence: The Proof
An illustrated cat-guide to drugs…
Draw fake eyebrows on your baby. Then sit back and enjoy the humour.
Aboriginal Spongebob spotted in Cairns.
We always hear the rules from the female side. Now here are the rules from the male side…
Notice is hereby given…
Walked into a public bathroom. Saw this and heard “hello?”
The Blonde: It’s invisible sanitary protection, thank heavens…
The next time you get a rejection letter from a hoped-for employer or publisher, just send them the following…
Pregnancy & Women: Frequently Asked Questions
It’s four o’clock in the morning. Why on earth are you making chocolate pudding?
She made that clown extremely happy.
When you thought you ran over an animal but it was just a person
A physicist sees a young man about to jump off the Empire State Building…
I'd rather break my arms than take two trips.
Chance of keeping your job if you’re wrong more than 75% of the time.
Relax and concentrate on the four small dots in the middle of the picture…
Calm down… If the Mayans were good at predicting the future, there would still be Mayans.
Feeling sad and depressed? Are you anxious? Worried about the future? Feeling isolated and alone? You might be suffering from Capitalism.
Bicycles chained to these railings will be removed without notice. This is a notice, you idiot!
A sweet grandmother telephoned St. Joseph’s Hospital…
Animals that didn’t expect their humans to come home so early!
Goodnight my beautiful girl I’m so lucky to have you in my life. I love you so much <3
The eponymous cows is used to demonstrate the advantages and flaws of certain economic systems.
What do we want? A cure for tourettes! When do we want it? …
If the human population held hands around the equator, a significant portion of them would drown.
I’d like to return this. It’s unused. This is your diploma. Cash is fine.
So you’re saying people will “tweet” what they’re eating for breakfast?
Sorry for Party Rocking: Driver jumps from burning bus, party bus explodes in Inala.
>A man, and his wife are awakened at 3 o’clock in the morning by a loud pounding on the door…
You wouldn't think anyone reads my blog. I haven’t got a comment in weeks. Misspell something…
Blow in her face and she'll follow you anywhere.
If I gave you 2 cats and another 2 cats and another 2, how many would you have?
It’s not that difficult to tell alligators and crocodiles apart…
I wonder what I would look like with a six pack? Ahh, much better!
Your child is being eaten by a camel. Do you… a) Save your child, or b) Take a photo?
The differences between the major web browsers.
Look how instinctively the mother croc carries the baby in its mouth.
To get the bus to Hogwarts, please run directly at this sign.
What is a word made up of 4 letters yet is also made up of 3. Although is written with 8 letters, and then with 4. Rarely consists of 6, and never is written with 5.
If she doesn’t put me down in about two seconds, I will be forced to use my fist!
Buy two and receive a Free Fountain Face!
You know, Bob, one of these days, they’re going to scream too late, and we’re all gonna die…
An Australian chilli tester in Texas…
A man driving a car while a woman sits beside him, with her seatbelt across her mouth, preventing her from commenting.
It is such a drag when someone in the group can’t fly… forcing everybody else to have to ride up the elevator too…
Please don’t let the cat out. No matter what it tells you!
Is there anything worse than a Lego for stepping on in the middle of the night? A landmine.
If you are lonely, dim all lights and put on a horror movie. After a while it won’t feel like you’re alone anymore.
Building the NBN from Telstra Copper
A college class was told they had to write a short story in as few words as possible.…
Brace Yourself. Pizza is coming.
Two cars were waiting at a stoplight. The light turned green, but the man didn’t notice it…
You’re fired Jack, the lab results just came back and you tested positive for Coke.
Canadian Security: It may seem rude but for security reasons please do not open the door to strangers.
Accidentally went grocery shopping on an empty stomach and now I’m the proud owner of aisle 4.
Next time a stranger talks to me when I’m alone I will look at them shocked and just whisper quietly, “you can see me?”
Did you know there is a species of antelope capable of jumping higher than the average house? This is due to its powerful hind legs and the fact that the average house cannot jump.
Yeah, well, I didn’t believe in reincarnation when I was your age, either.
I want you to know that someone out there cares. Not me, but someone does.
Just in case you have trouble knowing when you’ve met a Democrat…
Million dollar idea… alarm clock that releases spiders! Now you’re up!
Not to get technical but according to chemistry alcohol is a solution.
Always wear underwear in public, especially when working under your vehicle…
Hillary Clinton goes to her doctor for a physical…
It’s a male dominated culture, no matter how you look at it…
American Bald Eagle vs. Australian Wedge Tail Eagle.
How people in the colonies are still alive is beyond me…
In 1986, Peter Davies was on holiday in Kenya after graduating from Louisiana State University…
Christmas morning she’ll be happier with a Hoover.
Cat: The dog went missing? Hahaha! Hahaha! I’m sorry human. Hahaha… no seriously, I’m so sad…
Dear Dr Ruth, I’m writing to tell you my problem. It seems I have been married to a sex maniac for the past 22 years…
The realest photography struggle ever…
When comforting a grammar nazi, I always say softly, “there, their, they’re”
If your phone gets wet, try placing it in a bag of rice. At night, the rice will attract Asians who will fix your electronics for you.
[Campbell Newman laughing] …and then I said to the public service… you can trust me…
Holy crap! Look how late it is! Why do I always do this? Why is it so hard to stop surfing the internet and just go to bed?
Enter password. Wrong. Wrong. Wrong…
Nigerian man dies and authorities find billion in his apartment…
Australian Monopoly: St Marys to Penrith Special Edition.
Does anyone have an extra Microsoft Office suite pass key?
A game of skill, requiring a steady hand and keen eye – make sure you play at least the first two levels…
How television benefits your children.
Good things are twice as good in Cellophane!
The location of our Bat Cave is meant to be secret, so stop checking in!
Amanda is 21 years older than her son John. In 6 years from now, Amanda will be 5 times as old as John…
I was on an online conference call with a cute sounding girl, and googled her name out of curiosity. Forgot I was sharing my screen with her.
I said be quiet! Don’t make me come in there!
English can be weird. It can be understood through tough thorough thought, though.
How Could You Be So Insensitive? This is what it looks like from the other person’s perspective.
For too long the voice of women has been silenced. It’s time they had microphones in kitchens.
When a woman says “what?”, it’s not because she didn’t hear you. She’s giving you a chance to change what you said.
Windows. Still the most used operating system, and undoubtedly the most abused.
Laurel and Hardy were repairing their roof. All of a sudden, Hardy lost his balance and went tumbling on the ground…
Was gonna ride to work today. Couldn’t find my coconut shells.
A comprehensive guide to fixing any computer.
Why was Five afraid of Seven? Because Six Seven Eight.
Stop says the red light, go says the green. Wait says the yellow light, twinkling in between. Kneel, says the demon light, with its eye of coal. Sauron knows your licence plate, and stares into your soul.
How to Play Chess: Whites go first. The Queen must protect the King.
What would robots from 1960’s and 1970’s TV say today with current software installed?
The World’s Shortest Books
I can’t believe the “WMD” trick is working again with Iran. Suckers…
Tell someone you love them today, because life is short. But shout it at them in German, because life is also terrifying and confusing.
In what is perhaps one of the more stupid “features” on my Samsung Galaxy Note, when it reaches full charge, it lights up its screen and pops up and audible alert saying “Battery fully charged. Unplug charger.” As I charge my phone at night, it is effectively an extremely annoying unwanted wake-up call.
One is dark, one is light. One is gray, one is white. These are obviously two different blocks with two different colors right? Wrong. The two blocks are the same color.
But God, She Won’t Even Make Me a Sandwich…
Queen Street Mall, Brisbane, GTA Style.
An IT student is walking along with his bike…
If you like it then you shoulda put a pin on it!
Did you try jumping off the refrigerator too?
No pony for Christmas? No window for driving!
A psychedelic illusion where a brightly coloured non-moving image appears to be pulsating in and out.
Just to make you feel really old…
The divorce rate among my socks is astonishing.
Logan My Family Stickers.
This morning, I was beaten up by a busy woman in an elevator. I was staring at her boobs when she said, “would you please press one?”. So I did. I don’t remember much after that.
Upgrade kit for iPhone 4 owners. Only 99¢.
I was watching TV when I head my Dad in the kitchen laughing to himself. When I got up to see what he was doing, I walked in on this…
And God promised men that good and obedient wives would be found in all corners of the world…
I don’t always get rated on my terrorism attacks, but when I do, I usually get 9/11.
I hate when you’re reading something and you come across the phrase “one thing led to another”
3 out of 4 voices in my head want to sleep (the other wants to know if penguins have knees!)
I am trying to make friends outside of Facebook while applying the same principles…
Penrose Triangle Animation.
skdjaskdhsajdahsdjashds.jpg already exists. Do you want to replace it? You've got to be kidding me.
And then… after they had ripped out half of her pages… they turned her… into a movie!
And here we see a wild bus drinking water from a river.
Proof USB cables exist in 4-dimensional space.
Sabrina demonstrates the world’s finest projection equipment…
Visiting your Gynaecologist during Coronavirus
A baby sees fireworks for the first time.
What smoke detectors warn you about.
To avoid perpetuating gender stereotypes, I gave my daughter a mix of dolls and toy cars to play with. This is what happened…
I hope he doesn’t say something retarded…
Moses, meet Steve. He’s gonna upgrade your tablets…
Just been watching Ladies Beach Volleyball, and there’s already been a wrist injury… but I should be OK by Friday.
Hey, bug on my back, are you a mite? I mite be. Stupidest pun I ever heard…
Two Aboriginal lads are riding along the Hume Highway on a motorbike…
Canadian News: Quebec snowmobiler dies after driving under a moose.
The real reason that we can’t have the Ten Commandments posted in a courthouse or parliament…
An SQL query walks into a bar, goes up to two tables and asks, “May I join you?”
American Horror Story versus Australian Horror Story
Hi honey. This is Daddy. Is Mummy near the phone?
It seems Lot was warned to take his wife and flee out of the city, but she looked back and turned into a pillar of salt! What happened to the flea?
If you cannot find the book that you are looking for, then you’re obviously in the… Wong Fook Hing Book Store!
Always leave your hotel room like this
You are alone on an uninhabited island. Which of these would you choose as your companion?
I remember one time while hiking with my girlfriend in northern Alberta and out of nowhere came this huge brown bear charging us, and was she mad!
The Branch Manager and the Assistant Branch Manager.
Biology – the only science where multiplication and division mean the same thing…
How People in Science See Each Other.
Can your Mac do this? I don’t think so…
1969: A child’s parents blame him for his bad grades. Today: A child’s parents blame his teacher for his bad grades.
A mock-up of the iPhone 20 and Samsung Galaxy S23, after the launch of the “taller” iPhone5 & the larger Galaxy S3.
A woman wearing a shirt: Slide to Unlock.
It looks like you’re a Communist traitor…
A man walking two long dogs meets a man walking two normal dogs…
A man had two of the best tickets for the opening State of Origin match. As he sits down, another man comes along and asks if anyone is sitting in the seat next to him…
I accidentally swallowed some scrabble tiles… My next dump could spell disaster.
English: Do Not Enter Here; Spanish: Entero Somewhere Elso.
Indoors, women are useful — even pleasant. On a mountain they are something of a drag. So don’t go hauling them up a cliff…
Googled “dachshund racing”. Was not disappointed.
Clippit: It looks like you are wasting office supplies. Would you like some help?
[To an assorted group of animals] Our Education System: For a fair selection everybody has to take the same exam: Please climb that tree.
How the Internet Started: A History Lesson.
Ultimate chick flick: Two women fighting over a pair of shoes
Success is not always what you see…
One evening an old farmer decided to go down to the pond, as he hadn’t been there for a while, and look it over. He grabbed a five gallon bucket to bring back some fruit. As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee. As he came closer he saw it was a bunch of young women skinny dipping in his pond…
A list of all the pages, sorted by their last updated or creation dates.
A guy walks into a bar and takes a seat. Before he can order a beer, the bowl of pretzels in front of him says “Hey, you’re a handsome fellow.”
The 2011 Adelaide Earthquake: We will rebuild.
A stress management technique recommended in all the latest psychological texts.
[Twitter] Taylor Swift: @KimKardashian @kanyewest Yo I’m happy for you and imma let you finish but Beyonce had one of the best labours of all time.
If I make you breakfast in bed, a simple “Thank you” is all I need. Not all this “How did you get in my house?” business.
In Wine there is Truth. In Beer there is Strength. In Water there is Bacteria.
Fifteen things to do at the supermarket while your spouse is taking their sweet time…
Valve’s “Portal”, as an iPad decoration.
Always love a woman for her personality. They have like 10, so you can choose.
Angela Merkel arrives at Passport Control at Paris airport. “Nationality?” asks the immigration officer. “German,” she replies. “Occupation?” “No, just here for a few days.”
Browser Wars: Chrome versus Firefox… and Internet Explorer…
You know you are having a bad day when…
Having more money doesn’t make you happier. I have 50 million dollars but I’m just as happy as when I had 48 million.
A man came home from work, sat down in his favourite chair, turned on the TV, and said to his wife, “Quick, bring me a beer before it starts”…
I’ve never seen a Flow Chart described so clearly.
Amusing news headlines
North Korea: I will destroy America! Obama: Too late!
A cop just pulled me over and said “Papers”… so I said “Scissors, I win” and drove off…
There are two rules for success: Never reveal everything you know…
Marriage secrets of highly successful couples.
The left wing said they’d abolish poverty; right wing said they’d abolish bureaucracy. Odin said he’d abolish ice giants. Where are the ice giants? Vote Odin!
I don’t believe in astrology; I’m a Sagittarius and we’re sceptical.
I used to smile… until I worked retail.
I. Like. It. How. When. You. Read. This. The. Little. Voice. In. Your. Head. Takes. Pauses.
…an unexpected problem with Windows.
A woman inadvertently points a gun towards a man.
The new iPhone 5C with IOS 7.
Of course I’ll be your valentine. Let’s stay home and watch some porn.
A squirrel got its head stuck in a Halloween decoration and terrified a neighbourhood…
I laugh at your claims to bravely take on a zombie apocalypse, when most of you can’t stand up to a spider.
Keep calm. The Mayans were simply counting down to The Hobbit movie.
Recruiters are one step above the Mafia…
Her: Do you want to her a joke about my vagina? Nevermind… you’ll never get it! Her: Do you want to her a joke about my vagina? Nevermind… you’ll never get it!
But these are for girls… Holy Crap! I look fabulous!
Blatz Beer: How Mother and Baby “Picked Up”.
Breakdown of a man’s tape measure usage
An Irish daughter had not been to her parent’s house for over five years…
Dear Abby, I’ve never written to you before, but I really need your advice on what could be a crucial decision…
We buy things we don’t need with money we don’t have to impress people we don’t like…
How many mice does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
Warning: This image contains sax and violins. Viewer discretion is advised.
Dispatcher: Emergency Services, how may I help you?
Who ever invented the “knock-knock jokes” should get a no-bell prize!
You don’t want to be stuck out here.
Black Jack Black eating Cracker Jack playing a black jack while playing BlackJack with Jack Black who is threatening Black Jack Black with a Black Jack.
The most effective birth control method known to man.
Who are we? Women! What do we want? We don’t know! When do we want it? NOW!
Zoom Conference: Can everyone hear me?
General Motors doesn’t have a help line for people who don’t know how to drive because people don’t buy cars like they buy computers, but imagine if they did…
Kim Jong-un: I’m going to nuke everyone. Kim, eat a Snickers. Kim: Why? Because you turn into a war mongler when you’re hungry. Better? Kim: Better.
A road crew foreman calls into the shop. Foreman: “We have a problem.”
Hazardous Materials Data Sheet – Woman.
I’ve learned so much from my mistakes… I’m thinking of making a few more.
A funeral procession pulled into a cemetery. Several carloads of family members followed a black truck towing a boat with a coffin in it…
In your mind’s browser, clear your cache… now delete your history… now navigate to a blank web page…
All this technology is making us antisocial: A tram full of people ignoring each other and reading the newspaper.
Ancient Egyptians: Posting cats to their walls since 3150 BC
[Kevin Rudd] Where was I before I was so rudely interrupted?
Ancient Japanese Proverb. If you cannot understand Japanese, tilt your head to the right…
Meth: Before & After (or R2-D2 versus R2-FU).
You know what doesn’t grow back, Susan? Trust!
Comments, Facebook Open Graph, & Other Similar Social Data.
Spring is here. I’m so excited I wet my plants!
Accurate Animal Names: Australian Edition
Dad: Sometimes I sit on the floor and put my arms around my knees and lean forward. Daughter: Huh? Dad: Cuz that’s how I roll!
The Government where the money’s made up and the debt doesn’t matter.
This guy’s an idiot! Quick, take a picture!
Tomorrow (noun): a mystical land where 99% of all human productivity, motivation and achievement is stored.
An old woman was sipping on a glass of wine…
Australian Kiss: same as a French Kiss… but down under.
Proposing with an onion: Guaranteed to cry.
20 years ago we had Johnny Cash, Bob Hope and Steve Jobs. Now we have No Cash, No Hope and No Jobs. Please don’t let Kevin Bacon die.
When English teachers snap: Sorry Ma’am, but bad grammar is no excuse for vandalism.
101 Things You Do Not Want Your System Administrator to say.
This morning on the freeway, I looked over to my left and there was a woman in a brand new Cadillac doing 110…
A man and his wife were having an argument about who should brew the coffee each morning…
Steady Hand – The Results (or what happens when you play Steady Hand)
Big shark behind you: A signal they forgot to teach you in your open water class.
Stupid Child Efficiency Mop. Wipe high-efficiently.
Obi-Wan Kenobi in front of burning World Trade Centre towers: “These blast points… too accurate for sand people”.
It was entertainment night at the senior centre and the Amazing Claude was topping the bill…
If I had 10 pieces of bacon, and you took 4, what would you have? Yes, that’s right you’d have a black eye and a bruised hand.
Video games don’t make us violent – lag does!
I tried cooking supper with wine tonight. Didn’t go so well. After 5 glasses I forgot why I was even in the kitchen.
Jason Voorhees (Friday the 13th) gets Crocs.
I am passing this on to you because it definitely worked for me today, and we all could probably use more calm in our lives.
All non-fiction Lance Armstrong books including “Lance Armstrong: Images of a Champion”, “The Lance Armstrong Peprformance Program” and “Lance Armstrong: World’s Greatest Champion” will soon be moved to the fiction section.
A raccoon lies dead on the road, holding a “get well soon” balloon.
The difference between men & women when they are sick.
I wish to clarify that I am not now, nor have I ever been, an exotic dancer…
In Asia culture, it’s important for wife to trust husband and let him be the leader in the house. That’s why after I am married, I will always leave big decision to him – for example, choosing between buy me a Chanel for birthday or go sleep on sofa for a whole month instead.
I’m not absolutely certain yet, but I’m starting to think my husband masturbates
And I was all like, pew pew pew! Pew pew pew! ‘Merica!
What’s green, fuzzy, and if it fell out of a tree it would kill you?
Let’s all take a moment and be thankful that spiders don’t fly!
Interviewer: What would you consider to be your greatest weakness?
I phone, you tube. Hi honey, I’m home. Chocolate milk shake.
Did you know that there are more planes in the sea than there are submarines in the sky?
The book “Understanding Women” is now available in paperback!
Well, I guess we’ll beheading home now…
I stayed up all night to see where the sun went. Then it dawned on me…
At the end of a tiny, deserted bar is a huge Aboriginal bloke…
A rather mean impression of what Michael Jackson’s dog might look like, if it had similar surgery.
A middle-aged woman decides to have a facelift…
If you don’t have GIO Third Party Property Insurance, we suggest you don’t hit this bus.
A visual representation of Scott Morrison’s address to the nation tonight
These are the Good Guys of the World.
How to offend four groups of geeks with one picture.
Her: Is it the ball-type deodorant you want sir? Him: Oh no miss – it’s for under my arms!
How the hell is the ball still in your hand?
A post with a poster on it, “Be the first of your friends to like this post”.
Still more expressions than Kristen Stewart.
There was a spider, I panicked. But I think it’s gone now.
Experience trumps youth.
I think I might stay home tonight… Liver and Wallet like this.
It is with great happiness that I’m telling you that I eloped with my new boyfriend…
See if you can outsmart your foot…
Just back from our cruise. Had a great time.
Colgate have created an ingenious campaign to promote their dental floss.
A message to the citizens of the United States of America from Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II.
Experts recommend keeping your daily rituals even while working from home
3 years in jail for stealing my nose!
Titanic ALS Ice Bucket Challenge: “I accept your ice water challenge”.
I have CDO. It’s like OCD but all the letters are in alphabetical order. As they should be.
Chocolate Easter Bunnies: My butt hurts! What?
A quick and easy test to determine if you are a normal person…
When Jane initially met Tarzan of the Jungle, she was attracted to him, and during her questions about his life, she asked him how he had sex…
The Chef does everything but cook – that’s what wives are for!
Isn’t it time you gave yourself a Christmas Gift?
The Alphabet Game is a car game played to amuse travellers on long car rides.
In Russia people sneeze fire after drinking lots of vodka.
When you live on a barely hospitable desert island that was once a continent-sized penal colony, your life tends to be a little more badass than the average person’s.
Help the needy?
Congress: have you tried turning it off and on again?
Do not attempt capture because you’ll totally screw with the space/time continuum bro.
Australia was founded in 1901 by Jimmy “Crocodile” Austral, a deportee of England who was banished for cannibalism, having eaten 32 members of the House of Lords. In accordance with English colonial law, this entitled him to an entire already-inhabited continent.
I’m telling you – the man and the dog are definitely working together…
I have an interesting case here. An old lady shot her husband for stepping on the floor she just mopped…
If your a grammar nazi and your reading this your gonna have a bad time.
When someone yells “STOP”, I never know if it’s in the name of love, it’s Hammertime, or I should collaborate and listen…
Image of a soldier pointing a gun towards the camera with caption “When you first left, I missed you badly… I WONT THIS TIME”
To wake up gay in the morning just try this at Bedtime Tonight!
Now you’re just some bunny that I used to know.
I met this bird by the tree near the library. We chilled for like, 5 minutes, & then without any warning he just flew away. We really hit it off. So if you see him, please let him know I miss him.
There’s only one thing I hate more than lying. Skim milk, which is water that’s lying about being milk.
Make your own Apple laptop the cheap—and healthy—way!
Everytime I hear people complain about online gaming, I wish they could experience my pain of online gaming in the 90’s…
My drawing is not great but please remember to wash your hands. Stay safe guys!
A real girlfriend does not complain when her boyfriend is on his xbox…
I think you’re spending too much time on the computer. Your fingers move when you talk…
Dear Santa, if you leave a new bike under the tree, I will give you the antidote to the poison I put in the milk.
Canadian Archaeology: Digging a car out from under the snow
What disease is your medical marijuana relieving?
Paraprosdokians are figures of speech in which the latter part of a sentence or phrase is surprising or unexpected; frequently humorous.
Proof that not knowing everything is the best way to go.
But Mr. Berlusconi, you said, “Send a 25 years old escort to my villa!”
The breakdown of modern web design.
Balloons are so weird… “Happy Birthday, here’s a plastic sack of my breath”
Have a seat Kermit. What I’m about to tell you might come as a big shock…
Boy sitting next to sign “No Campaigning beyond This Point” holding sign “Will Be President for Food”.
Anatidaephobia is the fear that somewhere in the world, there is a duck watching you.
Here is a heart warming picture of a little girl that saved a fish from drowning.
Shuffle your feet for Stingrays: One of the many dangers in Australian waters.
From the minds who brought you CityCycle — UniCycle. Brisbane’s brightest idea yet.
I’m awkward when people compliment me… “Nice hair” Me: “Thanks, I grew it myself”
I wish they would invent something to keep the sun out of my eyes…
A business card styled to look like Windows Notepad.
It’s sickeningly cute. Perhaps literally if its expression is anything to go by…
Wives: Look this ad over carefully. Circle the items you want for Christmas. Show it to your husband. If he does not go to the store immediately, cry a little…
“Just doing a spot-check to see what you’re doing… Yup, sitting at your computer again!” The expression on this ostrich’s face is excellent.
The gender neutral term for sugar daddy is glucose guardian.
A woman asks her partner at breakfast time, “Would you like some bacon and eggs a slice of toast and, maybe, some grapefruit juice and coffee?”
Feel free to send me anything you think might amuse me.
This is how workplace violence starts…
Like if you can raed tihs whit no porlqebm baecuas yuor jsut taht sarmt.
A Russian arrives in New York City as a new immigrant to the United States…
Passive Agressive Hippie: You want a [peace sign] of me?
Well I’m grounded. WTF did you do this time? My Mum asked me to do the laundry and threw a sock at me… I ran away screaming “Master has presented Dobby with clothes! Dobby is free!”
I was going to make a joke about a bank, but then I lost interest…
Please, Dave… please don’t let me be locked out from you! For complete feminine hygiene rely on Lysol – a concentrated germ-killer!
If you stare at this picture long enough you should be able to see a giraffe…
The swordfish has few predators to worry about in the wild, except for the seldom seen penfish which is said to be even mightier.
Monster energy drinks & Rubiks Cubes: Dude. You have a problem. Problem solved!
While at university at Oxford in 1963, Bob Hawke, former Prime Minister of Australia, entered the Guinness Book of Records here at the Turf Tavern after downing a yard of ale (that’s just over 2½ pints!) in just 11 seconds.
You never listen to me! You only hear what you want to hear!
An atheist, a Jew, and a Christian walk into a bar…
The 2012 Melbourne Earthquake: We will rebuild.
Replace the word “wand” with “dick” in any sentence in Harry Potter…
I think it is just terrible and disgusting how everyone has treated Lance Armstrong, especially after what he achieved, winning seven Tour de France races while on drugs. When I was on drugs, I couldn’t even find my bike.
Puts on sunblock. Doesn’t protect from harmful rays.
Would you like a little piece of paper that says yes to hang onto during the tough times ahead? (Maybe it will help)
My wife believes she is a better driver. I let our dog decide.
[2 Mayan Guys] Wanna beer? I’m working on this calendar, but I guess if I don’t finish it won’t be the end of the world.
What if the Beatles had been computer freaks?
Steve Jobs & Bill Gates Discuss Heaven: It doesn’t have any wall or fence…
I don’t know who this dog is or why he is banned from this park, but he certainly seems like a lot of fun.
The many hand gestures of Kevin Rudd.
I absolutely love winter in queensland. Last year it was a Wednesday.
Interviewer: What would you consider to be your greatest weakness?
To see her husband’s reaction, a woman wrote on a paper: “I left, I’m not coming back.” Hidden under the bed, the woman waited for her husband to arrive. He walked into the room, saw the paper, wrote something on the paper, and put himself to sing, all satisfied. 5 minutes later, he took his cell phone and called someone: “I’m going now. The other nut’s gone. I’m on my way, remember I love you so much” He took the car and left. Mad in anger, the woman comes out under the bed and reads what he wrote… “I can see your feet. I went for bread. Stop being retarded and make dinner…”
A western woman in Africa—presumably a tourist—squats to go to the toilet in the bush, pants down, toilet paper in hand, her backpack in the grass nearby; unaware a lion is sneaking up behind her. Captioned “if she hasn’t… she will soon”.
A ship shipping ship shipping shipping ships.
Man stating he ‘came too soon’ in front of sign stating ‘premature ejaculators anonymous’.
How to sneak chocolate into an American movie theatre.
Why do Java developers wear glasses? Because they don’t C#!
When you’re upset just imagine a T-Rex making a bed.
How did the hipster burn his tongue? He sipped on his coffee before it was cool.
This year thousands of men will die from stubbornness. No we won’t.
Ginny: When Harry broke up with me for my safety…
Attention! Today is Sunday. Share this on your Facebook wall. Within seven days you’ll get another Sunday…
How to make money from facebook: 1) just go to “Account Settings”; 2) Press “Deactivate your account”; 3) Go to work.
Doctor Bob had sex with one of his patients and felt guilty all day long…
Give a man a fish and he has food for a day. Teach a man to fish and he has to buy bamboo rods, graphite reels, monofilament lines, neoprene waders, creels, tackleboxes, lures, flies, spinners, worm rigs, slip sinkers, offset hooks, gore-tex hats, 20 pocket vests, fish finders, depth sounders, radar, boats, trailers, global positioning systems, coolers and six-packs.
Three birds sitting on a wire, a fourth sitting in mid air. He's got wifi.
A dog dies and finds out chocolate killed him.
Perhaps the only blue screen of death geeks would be happy to see.
The American Government funded a study to see why the head of a man’s penis was larger than the shaft…
Major Tom’s Ground Control Lawn and Garden Management.
There are three kinds of people: Impatient, patient, and rich.
A man was telling his neighbour, “I just bought a new hearing aid. It cost me four thousand dollars, but it’s state of the art. It’s perfect.”
[A grumpy cat the day the Mayan calendar ended] “Still Here. Worst Apocalypse Ever.”
Jam and butter the muddy plasters, the dirty bucket of pitch!
If today is “May the 4th be with you” does that mean tomorrow is “revenge of the 5th?”
What are we? Browsers! What do we want? More speed! And when do we want it? Right now!
Melbourne Cup Cat Horse.
I’m signing up for an online dating service. I just need to pick a username. “Little Kid Lover”, that way people will know where my priorities are at.
NSW playing economically. 2 punches per Gallen.
Do you ever get so angry… you throw a VCR at a burning bus?
All the balls are the same colour — and that colour is brown
If a man says he will fix it, he will. There is no need to remind him every 6 months.
A Case in Communism: The Super Mario Story.
We’ve all heard about men having guts or balls. But do you really know the difference between them?
My husband is a liar and a cheat. He has cheated on me from the beginning, and, when I confront him, he denies everything…
Best way to freak out your friends: Do not open unless you plan to kill it (written on an upside down container)
Xbox One vs. An Ordinary Brick: Price, DRM Free, Requires Internet, Region Locked…
Requesting Air Support! “Believe in yourself. You can do it!”
The following short quiz consists of four questions and will tell you whether you are qualified to be a “professional”…
Did you know Thailand has the largest Mormon population in Africa?
A re-enactment of Michelangelo’s famous “The Creation of Adam”.
What do we want? Better memory! When do we want it? Want what?
How many feminists does it take to change a lightbulb? Don’t be silly, feminists can’t change anything!
I think it’s only fair to throw monopoly money at strippers with fake boobs.
Hands in the air! Now wave them around like you just don’t care!
I’m sorry dear. I can’t hear you. I’m in the kitchen, making you a sandwich.
World’s largest golf ball. Gigantic turtle for scale.
Sentence Structure: Why sentence structure is important.
I just burned 1500 calories in about five minutes. I forgot the pizza was in the oven.
You’ll never be as happy as this turtle.
Your computer is broadcasting your IP over the Internet…
Mum, what’s it like to have the greatest daughter in the world? I don’t know dear… you’ll have to ask grandma.
What to do when you’re locked inside your car, and the keys are outside…
A mock-up of the iPhone 10, after the launch of the “taller” iPhone5.
An Aussie Taxidermist in New Zealand…
A lemur who has discovered the wondrousness of cupcakes for the fist time.
Canadian Riots: Sorry to bother you, but perhaps you should take a break as our mayor?
Dropbears are a very real danger to all Australians. Almost one in ten Australians has been attacked by a Dropbear, and the rate is even higher for foreign visitors. Don’t become another statistic. Always beware low branches and doorframes. Look up. Stay Alive.
I know what you’re thinking… she might scratch the paint.
Windows cannot find the file. Would you like some wine instead?
Next time someone tells you to re-think vaccines, show them this.
This revolutionary test will expose the secret desires from your subconscious…
It’s not unexpected, you literally just told me what it is…
A simple, and humorous, flowchart that successfully troubleshoots almost any problem you can think of.
The Circle of Life: Who is afraid of who?
Women: No problem girls… I can go on. Men: Ahhhh! I’m dying.
Describe a process that could be used to create a simple door.
Hey babe, just thought you should know there’s a confirmed case of corona in our neighbourhood…
Optical illusion: Keep your eyes on the cross, and see what happens.
Congratulations, your mission is now complete. You may return to Earth.
The Original Story of the Ant and the Grasshopper.
They keep talking about drafting a Constitution for Iraq…
5 very good reasons to punch a dolphin in the mouth.
If Chinese people tattooed lame English words on themselves…
Heh… I’ve just thought of a joke with the longest set-up ever! Cool! I’ll fetch a scribe…
Why, that’s my Talking Clock…
Text of a letter from a kid from Eromanga to Mum and Dad.
A business man was walking down the street when he was accosted by a particularly dirty and shabby-looking homeless man who asked him for a couple of dollars for dinner…
World domination is everyone’s dream. It’s not a bad job really…
So the harder a wife works, the cuter she looks!
The correct way to spell potato is “GHOUGHPHTHEIGHTTEEAU”.
Went to the moon, took 5 photos. Went to the bathroom, took 37 photos.
And Then I Said… The Differences Between Boys & Girls.
Ask me about my attention deficit disorder or pie or my cat. A dog. I have a bike. Do you like TV? I saw a rock. Hi.
Of course we want peace–this piece and this piece and this piece and this piece…
Heh I was almost forced to face the fact that my argument was bad but I see here that you made a typo hahaha tough luck pal.
A kangaroo kicks an unsuspecting boy into a dam while an emu strolls past.
CIA: we put the coke in America.
Told her not to brag about her barbie dream house…
Don’t worry I’m Koalafied to drive.
A major research institution recently announced the discovery of the heaviest element yet known to science. The new element has been named Governmentium.
Police & Protesters help fat man remove pants…
Research shows that if you’re afraid of spiders, you’re more likely to find one in your bedroom. I’m really afraid of Johnny Depp.
The day that Einstein feared may have finally arrived.
I was visiting my daughter last night when I asked if I could borrow a newspaper…
iPhone 6 Plus versus Nokia 3310: Does it bend?
Hi! I’m 32. I’m a politician and I’m honest. Hi. I’m 29, I’m a prostitute and I’m a virgin.
Dog attacks person. Put dog to sleep. Cat attacks person. LOL, jus’ bein’ a cat.
The average human body contains enough bones to make an entire human skeleton.
Investment Opportunity. Thought you might want to consider getting on board early.
A woman was helping her husband set up his computer, and at the appropriate point in the process, the computer advised him that he would now need to enter a password…
A baby’s laughter is one of the most beautiful sounds you’ll ever hear. Unless it’s 3 AM, you’re home alone, and you don’t have a baby.
Logan police in conjunction with the A.F.P. hauled in the largest goon bust in Logan’s history. With an estimated street value of $39.
Goldstar Beer Ads: What goes through the mind of men and women when they’re asked to go for a drink…
Well, tell me, Randy. Has someone eaten all the refrigerator magnets again?
Video games ruined my life. Good thing I have two more.
The Adventures of TinTin: TinTin in Wynnum.
Private customer parking only. All others will be toad.
Did you know that women use about 30,000 words a day while men use only 15,000?
This story happened a short while ago near Brisbane, and even though it sounds a little Alfred Hitchcock… it’s (supposedly) true.
List of reasons why a room would have to contain a bucket and be almost entirely laminated: 1) Bad reasons.
You can’t run through a campground. You can only ran, because it’s past tents.
English (Traditional) and English (Simplified).
Some typically Australian problems that other people don’t face.
Everything you wanted to know about Phobias (but were afraid to ask)
I will deprive you of sex all night with my crying and then suck on your wife’s tits in the morning.
Pasquale died. His will provided ,000 for an elaborate funeral…
My man likes something unexpected now and then. That’s why I serve him rice.
Two Google searches: One for “how can u” and one for “how can an individual”
Whilst doing a long overdue clearout at the offices of Ireland’s oldest and most respected school of dance, Mrs O’Hara made a terrible discovery…
Clint Felmingham: Did you know? Keith Urban is accepted by many Americans as a genuine humanoid/musician. Urban, a polymer composite (90% polyethene, 8% alcohol, 2% minor celebrity), was manufactured in Caboolture, Australia in 1987..
A young woman was pulled over for speeding. A NSW Police Officer walked to her car window flipping open his ticket book. She said “I bet you are going to try and sell me a ticket to the Policeman’s Ball.” He said, “NSW Police don’t have balls.” There was a moment of silence. Then he closed his book, tipped his hat, and got back in his patrol car and left!
If a girl ever pulls out a knife on you during an argument, pull out some bread and mayo. Her feminine instincts will kick in and she’ll make you a sandwich.
Dunno mate, maybe she’s flooded?
A Nurse was on duty in the Emergency Room, when a young woman with purple hair styled into a punk rocker Mohawk, sporting a variety of tattoos, and wearing strange clothes, entered…
That spider bit me… am I going to become spiderman? No. This is Australia, you’re going to die.
This is a strawberry. This is ginger…
You should never do anything wrong, it will catch up with you…
Cocaine Toothache Drops: Instantaneous Cure! 15¢.
The owner of the company where I work pulled up in his brand new BMW this morning…
Please don’t let the cat out. No matter what it tells you!
What’s the main reason for motorbike accidents in Jamaica?
Zombies! Oh, wait… false alarm, it’s just the Rolling Stones… carry on!
First Robert De Niro, then Robert De Faro.
I’m returning these glasses I bought for my husband. He’s still not seeing things my way.
The Winner of the “Not My Job” Award goes to…
Remember when you threw a shoe at me and I fell somewhere behind the bed? I remember too.
It’s a beautiful day. I really want you to go outside and play.
IKEA product recall advert on April Fools Day
Robot Vacuum Cat Shark Duck Chase.
At last, the mystery of the Mayan calendar revealed.
My dog Bailey tried to steal stuff out of my daughter’s purse. He got stuck and came over to me for help.
An elderly couple had dinner at another couple’s house, and after eating, the wives left the table and went into the kitchen…