Politically Correct Primer — Ned Martin’s Amused
Q: WHAT IS P.C.?
PC stands for Politically Correct. We of the Politically Correct philosophy believe in increasing a tolerance for a diversity of cultures, race, gender, ideology and alternate lifestyles. Political Correctness is the only social and morally acceptable outlook. Anyone who disagrees with this philosophy is bigoted, biased, sexist, and/or closed-minded.
Q: WHY SHOULD I BE PC?
Being PC is fun. PCism is not just an attitude; it is a way of life! PC offers the satisfaction of knowing that you are undoing the social evils of centuries of oppression.
Q: I AM A WHITE MALE. CAN I STILL BE PC?
Sure. You just have to feel very guilty.
If you are a white male, your ancestors were responsible for practically every injustice in the world- slavery, war, genocide and plaid sports coats. That means that you are partially responsible for these atrocities. Now it is time to balance the scales of justice for the descendants of those individuals whose ancestors your ancestors pushed down.
It’s simple. You have to be careful what you say, what you think, and what you do. You just don’t want to offend anyone.
Q: YOU MEAN I SHOULD GUARD AGAINST OFFENDING ANYONE?
That’s right. Being offensive is destructive, and will not make the world a harmonious utopia, like in John Lennon’s IMAGINE.
Q: HOW ELSE CAN I BE PC?
Oh, there are lots of ways. For example, why buy regular ice cream when you can buy “Rain Forest Crunch?” Segrega..whoops..separate all of your garbage into different containers: glass, metal, white paper, blue paper, plastic, etc. Make sure that all your make-up has not been tested on animals. Try to find at least sixty ways to use your water; when you take a shower, brush your teeth at the same time. Then don’t let the water go down the drain, use it to irrigate your lawn. Or better yet, replace your lawn with a vegetable garden. Don’t use aerosol. And by all means, don’t burn or deface our flag. Remember, as a citizen of Canada, you’re living in God’s country.
If you are fortunate enough to know your ethnic heritage, dress the part! Don’t do drugs. You should listen to at least one of the following PC musicians: U2, REM, Sinead O’Connor, Sting, or KD Lang.
Harass people who wear fur coats. Remind them that an innocent baby seal was mercilessly clubbed. Or just yell, “FUR.” They hate that. And don’t ever eat meat.
Q: DON’T EAT MEAT? WHY NOT?!
Cows are animals, just like humans are animals. That means that they have rights. When you eat meat, you’re oppressing animals!
Q: SO ALL KILLING IS BAD?
No, not always. Sometimes killing can be justified, like in the Persian Gulf. You have to be able to tell when an animal has rights, and when it doesn’t.
Q: HOW DO I KNOW WHEN AN ANIMAL HAS RIGHTS?
The general rule is as follows:
IF AN ANIMAL IS RARE, PRETTY, BIG, CUTE, FURRY, HUGGABLE, OR LOVABLE, THEN IT HAS RIGHTS.
Examine the following chart:
|Dolphins in tuna nets||Tuna in tuna nets|
|Red Squirrels||Gray squirrels|
Q: WOW. WHAT ELSE CAN I DO TO BE PC?
Hug a tree. Rejoice each day in our cultural differences, for they are what gives flavour to our great country. Get in touch with your sexual identity. Check your refrigerator for Freon leaks. Subscribe to National Geographic. Search it for neat non-Western cultural traditions and costumes. After you read it, use the paper as an alternate fuel source.
Q: I’M NOT SURE ABOUT ALL OF THIS.
If you are feeling unsure about your motivation, just remember. You are right. It’s that simple. You are right.
Q: HOW DO I KNOW IF AN ACTION IS UN-PC?
Good question. It’s important to know when someone is saying something insensitive so that you can have that person removed from society. The guideline is as follows:
Is the confrontation between two white people? Yes → The liberal is right. No → The white person is oppressing the ethnic person.
Remember, many seemingly obvious issues, such as the railroading of Mayor Marion Barry, the Clarence Thomas issue, and the Saint Mary’s University Caribbean Society shut-down are really race issues.
Here’s a fun practice drill for you: See how many newspaper articles you can make into race bias stories. It’s fun! Some PCers are so good they can make the weather report look like a KKK pamphlet!
Q: WHAT SHOULD I DO IF I SEE SOMEONE DO SOMETHING NON-PC?
It all depends on the situation. If you are not in a position of authority, by all means report this activity immediately to whomever is in charge. If your school leader, employer, or superior is hip to the trend of the 90s, she or he will take the necessary steps to have the insensitive offender disciplined.
Q: BUT ISN’T THAT CENSORSHIP?
The Constitution never meant for racism, sexism and insensitivity to be espoused by anyone. That’s not what free speech is about. Some call it censorship. PCers call it “selective” speech. Saying something negative about a particular race or gender is just as damaging as, say, punching them in the face. We just can’t allow that kind of verbal assault.
Q: I’VE HEARD A LOT ABOUT PC WORDS TO REPLACE “BLACK,” “INDIAN.” ETC.
Yes. That’s part of the PC movement. You see, part of the way we think about people comes directly from the words we use to describe them. Take “black” for instance. Why should a person be judged by the colour of their skin?
Q: YOU MEAN THEY SHOULD RATHER BE JUDGED BY THE CONTENT OF THEIR CHARACTER?
No, I mean they should be judged by where their ancestors are from. If your great grandparents are from Africa, or Asia, or wherever, then you should be identified by that fact. You can even apply for special scholarships!
Q: I’M A MIXTURE OF FRENCH, GERMAN, ENGLISH, AND RUSSIAN. CAN I GET ONE?
No, there are none offered to white males however, if you are a women ...oops... womyn, there should be plenty.
Q: HEY, WOULDN’T A WHITE PERSON FROM LIBYA OR EGYPT TECHNICALLY BE AN AFRICAN-CANADIAN?
Technically, yes. But that’s not the kind of African-Canadian we mean. That is, we’re really talking about skin colour, but we’re pretending that we aren’t. Another example: A white South-African immigrant is not an African-Canadian or either.
Q: HOW CAN I LEARN TO MAKE MY LANGUAGE MORE POLITICALLY CORRECT?
For more help, see the PC LEXICON at the end of the handbook.
Q: I’D LIKE MY CHILD TO BE PC. WHAT CAN I DO?
Well, for one thing, we should forcibly encourage students to volunteer their time with philanthropies. Also, we should re-emphasize non-Western perspectives on history. Finally, we should re-structure tests and quizzes to reflect cultural biases.
Q: I DON’T GET IT.
Well, the way the system works now, “select” under-represented minorities who tend to do worse on entrance tests have lower standards of admissions at school and work and receive preferential treatment. This is unfair and wrong.
Q: IT IS?
Yes. The truly PC way to do it is to have a different grading scale for different groups which gives or subtracts points from the final score, depending on who is taking the test. If you are white, then you have been benefited by society during your life. That means that you lose ten to fifteen points to make the test fair to everyone else.
Q: I GUESS THAT SOUNDS RIGHT.
It is right. That’s the beauty of PC.
Q: WHAT ELSE DO I HAVE TO BE CAREFUL OF?
Humour. PC people take every comment very seriously. We will not accept any comment, joke, remark, or anything that sounds like it could be a racial slur.
Q: GIVE ME AN EXAMPLE.
“What’s black and white and red all over?” has been staple humour for decades. Not PC—it can be taken the wrong way.
In every day speech, try to use phrases like, “Isn’t that the pot calling the kettle African-Canadian.” Any racial jokes or jokes even mentioning culture or gender should be omitted. True, this mostly limits comedy to the level of sitcoms, but that’s the price you pay for social equality.
Q: IS THAT ALL THERE IS TO IT?
Yes. The Politically Correct belief is essentially a recognition that people are diversely equal. We rejoice in this equality by treating people differently based on their equal individuality. Hop aboard the bandwagon... Be PC. Or you’re an intolerant, racist, sexist insensitive pig.
- Insensitive Term
- Preferred Term
- (PC people do not recognize the term “race” as valid)
- Does not include
- White South Africans
- Does include people with dark skin regardless of where they are from or where they live
- Not considered “real” minorities since they tend to do well
- The following teams are not PC
- Atlanta Braves
- Cleveland Indians
- Kansas City Chiefs
- Washington Redskins
- Avoid these cities!
- Note the following are not PC
- Cheech and Chong
- Chico and the Man episodes
- Cisco Kid
- Rosarita Salsa
- Speedy Gonzales
- Avoid! Avoid!
- White Trash
- PC Unaware Rustically Inclined WASP (white male)
- Insensitive Cultural Oppressor (ICO)
- (PC people don’t like the word “sex” as it has confusing connotations)
- Domestic Engineer
- Flight Attendant
- Meter Maid
- Parking Enforcement Aduciator
- Post Man
- Post Person
- Mail Man
- Person Person
- Law Enforcement Officer
- Baton Boy
- Cal. Clubber
- Sex Surrogate
- Teen Victim. See: Broken Home
- Mankind, Human
- Earth Children
- Physically Challenged
- Differently Abled
- Optically Darker
- Photonically Non-receptive
- Visually Oriented
- Economically Unprepared
- Homeless Person
- Displaced Homeowner
- Philosophy Major
- Animal Assassin
- Meat Mercenary
- Bambi Butcher
- Blubber Lovers
- Old Person, Elderly
- 4th-Dimentionally Extended
- Gerontologically Advanced
- Right Wing Extremist Fascist Pig
- Drug Addict
- Chemically Challenged
- Sexually Non-preferential
- Midget, Dwarf
- Little People
- Vertically Challenged
- Socially Separated
- Insane People
- Selectively Perceptive
- Mental Explorers
- (person with) Learning Disability
- (person with) Self-Paced Cognitive Ability
- Environmental Activist
- Wood Weasel
- Paper Pirate
- Dead People
- Dysfunctional Earth Children
- Biologically Challenged
- Metaphysically Challenged
- Broken Home
- Dysfunctional Family
- Family Dysfunction
- Cattle Ranch
- Cattle Concentration Camp (CCC)
- Senile Bag o’ Bones
- Alzheimer’s Victim
- Ghetto, Barrio
- Ethnically Homogenous Area (EHA)
- Pre-Integrated Pre-Nirvana
- Seared Mutilated Animal Flesh (SMAF)
- Adding Insult to Injury
- Cheating (in School)
- Academic Dishonesty
- Used Books
- Recycled Books
- Oxygen Exchange Units
- Youth Group
- Pimp-mobile, Low-rider
- Culturally Responsive Transportation Option
- Drunk, Trashed
- Spatially Perplexed
- Economic Oppression Zone (EOZ)
- Corpse Farm
- Charnel House
- People of Mass
- Gravitationally Challenged