Intellectual Jokes — Ned Martin’s Amused

Damn, I lost an electron. Are you sure? I’m positive.

Intellectual Jokes

Entropy isn’t what it used to be.

Did you hear about the suicidal homeopath? He took 1/50th of the recommended dose.

There are two types of people in the world: Those who can extrapolate from incomplete data sets

There are two types of people in the world: Those who crave closure

The programmer’s wife tells him: “Run to the store and pick up a loaf of bread. If they have eggs, get a dozen.”

The programmer comes home with 12 loaves of bread.

A Photon checks into a hotel and the bellhop asks him if he has any luggage. The Photon replies “No I’m traveling light.”

This sentence contains exactly threee erors.

The barman says, “We don’t serve time travellers in here.”

A time traveller walks into a bar.

How many surrealists does it take to screw in a light bulb?

A fish.

What do you get when you cross a joke with a rhetorical question?

It’s hard to explain puns to kleptomaniacs because they always take things literally.

Standard deviation not enough for perverted statistician.

Pavlov is sitting at a pub enjoying a pint, the phone rings and he jumps up shouting “oh shit, I forgot to feed the dog!”

Lenin’s tomb is a communist plot.

A hundred kilopascals go into a bar. [end unit conversion]

They used to laugh when I said I wanted to be a comedian. Well they’re not laughing now!

They say a Freudian slip is when you say one thing, but you really mean your mother.

Einstein, Newton and Pascal are playing hide and go seek.

It’s Einstein’s turn to count so he covers his eyes and starts counting to ten.

Pascal runs off and hides. Newton draws a one metre by one metre square on the ground in front of Einstein and then stands in the middle of it.

Einstein reaches ten and uncovers his eyes. He sees Newton immediately and exclaims “Newton! I found you! You’re it!”

Newton smiles and says “You didn’t find me, you found a Newton over a square metre. You found Pascal!”

What do you get when you cross an agnostic, a dyslexic, and an insomniac? …a person who stays up all night wondering if there really is a dog.

Believing this statement will make you happier.