If Beer was like Operating Systems... — Ned Martin’s Amused

DOS Beer

Requires you to use your own can opener, and that you read the directions carefully before opening the can. Originally only came in an 8oz can, but now comes in a 16oz can. The can is divided into eight compartments of 2oz each, which have to be accessed separately. Soon to be discontinued, although a lot of people are going to keep drinking it after it's no longer available.

Macintosh Beer

At first came only in a 16oz can, but now comes in a 32oz can. Considered by many to be a "light" beer. All the cans look identical. When you take one from the fridge, it opens itself. The ingredients list is not on the can. If you call to ask about the ingredients, you are told that "you don't need to know." A notice on the side reminds you to drag your empties to the trashcan.

Windows 3.1 Beer

The world's most popular beer. Comes in a 16oz can that looks a lot like Mac Beer's. Requires that you already own a DOS Beer. Claims that it allows you to drink several DOS Beers simultaneously, but in reality you can only drink a few of them, very slowly, especially slowly if you are drinking the Windows Beer at the same time. Sometimes, for no apparent reason, a can of Windows Beer will explode when you open it.

OS/2 Beer

Comes in a 32oz can. Does allow you to drink several DOS Beers simultaneously. Allows you to drink Windows 3.1 Beer simultaneously too, but somewhat slower. Advertises that the cans won't explode when you open them, even if you shake them up. You never see anyone drinking OS/2 Beer, but the manufacturer (International Beer Manufacturing) claims that 9 million six-packs have been sold.

Windows 95 Beer

Only just out, Windows 95 Beer looks a lot like Mac Beer but tastes more like Windows 3.1 Beer. It comes in 32oz cans, but when you look inside, the cans only have 16oz of beer in them. Most people will probably keep drinking Windows 3.1 Beer until their friends try Windows 95 Beer and say they like it. The ingredients list, when you look at the small print, has some of the same ingredients that come in DOS Beer, even though the manufacturer claims that this is an entirely new brand.

Windows NT Beer

Comes in a 32oz cans, but you can only buy it by the truckload. This causes most people to have to go out and buy bigger refrigerators. The can looks just like Windows 3.1 Beer, but the company promises to change the can to look just like Windows 95 Beer. Touted as an "industrial strength" beer, and suggested only for use in bars.


This very heavy beer comes in 32oz cans, and has been around for years, rumour has it that it was originally brewed as a hoax by a couple of bored workers, only for them to find that some people actually liked the stuff. It tends to be drunk only by freaks or eccentric academics, often with beards; and drinkers of it do not like drinkers of any other beer. In its basic form it doesn't look particularly impressive, but with the addition of a magic ingredient named "X", it can be converted into an all-singing all-dancing beer on a par with the others. Many other varieties exist, with a huge range of flavours and (often unpronouneceable) ingredients. It must be stressed, however, that even then it is strictly an acquired taste.