How to Change your Oil — Ned Martin’s Amused
How to Change your Oil
Instructions on how to change your oil for men and women.
Oil Change instructions for Women
- Drive into Ultra Tune when the odometer reaches 10,000 kilometres since the last oil change.
- Drink a cup of coffee, read free paper.
- 15 minutes later, write a cheque and leave with a properly maintained vehicle.
Oil Change instructions for Men
- Wait until Saturday, drive to auto parts store and buy a case of oil, filter, kitty litter, hand cleaner and a scented tree, write a cheque for $50.00.
- Stop by the Bottle Shop and buy a slab of beer, write a cheque for $40, drive home.
- Open a beer and drink it.
- Jack car up. Spend 30 minutes looking for jack stands.
- Find jack stands under caravan.
- In frustration, open another beer and drink it.
- Place drain pan under engine.
- Look for 9/16 ring spanner.
- Give up and use a shifter.
- Unscrew drain plug.
- Drop drain plug in pan of hot oil: splash hot oil on you in process. Curse and swear.
- Crawl out from under car to wipe hot oil off face and arms. Throw kitty litter on spilled oil.
- Have another beer while watching oil drain.
- Spend 30 minutes looking for oil filter wrench.
- Give up; crawl under car and hammer a screwdriver through oil filter and twist off.
- Crawl out from under car with dripping oil filter splashing oil everywhere from holes.
- Cleverly, hide old oil filter among trash in trash can to avoid environmental penalties. Drink a beer.
- Install new oil filter making sure to apply a thin coat of oil to gasket surface.
- Dump first litre of fresh oil into engine.
- Remember drain plug from step 11.
- Hurry to find drain plug in drain pan.
- Drink beer.
- Discover that first litre of fresh oil is now on the floor. Throw kitty litter on oil spill.
- Get drain plug back in with only a minor spill. Drink beer.
- Crawl under car getting kitty litter into eyes. Wipe eyes with oily rag used to clean drain plug. Slip with stupid shifter tightening drain plug and bang knuckles on frame removing any excess skin between knuckles and frame.
- Begin swearing fit.
- Throw stupid shifter.
- Swear for additional 5 minutes because shifter hit darts trophy.
- Another beer.
- Clean up hands and bandage as required to stop blood flow.
- Dump in five fresh litres of oil.
- Lower car from jack stands.
- Move car back to apply more kitty litter to fresh oil spilled during any missed steps.
- Test drive car.
- Get pulled over: arrested for driving under the influence.
- Car is impounded.
- Call loving wife, make bail.
- 12 hours later, get car from impound yard.
Impound fee: $75.00
But you know the job was done right!