Amusing Quotes & One-Liners

“When you starve with a tiger, the tiger starves last”. — Griffin’s Thought

I intend to live forever – so far, so good.

Promises are like babies: fun to make, but hell to deliver.

I live in my own little world, but it’s ok they know me here.

Two strings walk into a bar. The first string says to the bartender, “Bartender, I’ll have a beer. u.5n$x5t?*&4ru!2[sACCErJ”. The second string says, “Pardon my friend, he isn’t NULL terminated”.

If you choke a smurf, what colour does it turn?

Don’t stop to stomp on ants when the elephants are stampeding.

Don’t look back. Something may be gaining on you.

You can say any foolish thing to a dog, and the dog will give you a look that says, “My God, you’re right! I never would’ve thought of that!”

There are two kinds of people, those who finish what they start, and so on.

“I have left orders to be awakened at any time in case of national emergency – even if I’m in a Cabinet meeting.” – Ronald Reagan

Democracy is the recurrent suspicion that more than half of the people are right more than half of the time.

Does your train of thought have a caboose?

If you try and don’t succeed, cheat. Repeat until caught. Then lie.

Plato is dead, Einstein is dead, and I’m not feeling too good myself...

Some people are alive only because it’s illegal to kill them.

Vote for the man who promises least; he’ll be the least disappointing.

Where there’s a will, I want to be in it.

Who is General Failure and why is he reading my hard disk?

It’s not true that married men live longer than single men. It only seems longer.

England has no kidney bank, but it does have a Liverpool.

He does the work of three men: Larry, Moe and Curly.

“They say hard work never hurt anybody, but I figure why take the chance.” – Ronald Reagan

How do you know if a fish is Irish? It has drowned.

Friends may come and go, but enemies accumulate

Man who run behind car get exhausted.

Why were the Indians here first? They had reservations.

You have the right to your opinions. I just don’t want to hear them.

I don’t have an attitude problem. You have a perception problem.

I married Miss Right. I just didn’t know her first name was Always.

“This report, by its very length, defends itself against the risk of being read”. — Winston Churchill

Money can’t buy happiness, but it sure makes misery easier to live with.

The illegal we do immediately. The unconstitutional takes a little longer. – Henry Kissinger

Work expands to fill the time available. — PARKINSON’S LAW

If you can stay calm, while all around you is chaos... then you probably haven’t completely understood the situation.

A dyslexic man walks into a bra.

Gossip: The art of saying nothing while leaving nothing unsaid.

Impotence: Nature’s Way Of Saying “No Hard Feelings”.

If you think nobody cares if you’re alive, try missing a couple of car payments.

Technology is a way of organizing the universe so that man doesn’t have to experience it.

The trouble with the rat race is that even if you win, you’re still a rat.

I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.

It’s bad luck to be superstitious.

Half of being smart is knowing what you are dumb at.

The sooner you fall behind the more time you’ll have to catch up.

“I would like to live in Manchester, England. The transition between Manchester and death would be unnoticeable”. — Mark Twain

Lots of people know a good thing the minute the other fellow sees it first.

My husband and I divorced over religious differences... He thought he was God and I didn’t.

If we learn by our mistakes, some of us are getting one hell of an education!

Be careful when reading health books; you may die of a misprint.

Cluster bombing from B-52s is very, very accurate – the bombs always hit the ground.

I often quote myself; it adds spice to my conversation.

I arise in the morning torn between a desire to improve the world and a desire to enjoy the world. This makes it hard to plan the day.

If you can’t convince them, confuse them.

Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.

My life has a superb cast but I can’t figure out the plot.

“Managing senior programmers is like herding cats” — Dave Platt.

Well, this day was a total waste of makeup.

I stayed up all night to see where the sun went. Then it dawned on me.

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Bacteria: the only culture some people have.

I wondered why the baseball was getting bigger. Then it hit me.

“There are two major products that come out of Berkeley: LSD and UNIX. We don’t believe this to be a coincidence.” — Jeremy S. Anderson

Plan to be spontaneous tomorrow.

Connection Reset By Aboriginal With Wire Cutters

I thought I made a mistake once, but I was wrong.

I have great faith in fools; my friends call it self-confidence.

Am I getting smart with you? How would you know?

I used to think I was indecisive, but now I’m not sure.

“Always in motion the future is. Seasick it makes me. That’s why so green I am”. – Yoda

Hope sees the invisible, feels the intangible and achieves the impossible.

I spilled spot remover on my dog. Now he’s gone.

You look like a million dollars. All green and wrinkled.

Proofread carefully to see if you any words out.

In a Tokyo shop: Our nylons cost more than common, but you’ll find they are best in the long run.

Anger is only one letter away from danger.

What hair color do they put on the driver’s licenses of bald men?

“Thinking is the hardest work there is, which is probably why so few engage in it”. — Henry Ford

Some pain is physical, and some is mental, but one that’s both is dental.

Applying computer technology is simply finding the right wrench to pound in the correct screw.

Don’t be irreplaceable; if you cannot be replaced, you cannot be promoted.

Humour. It is a difficult concept. It is not logical.

There is no such thing as an underestimate of average intelligence

It doesn’t matter what temperature the room is; it’s always room temperature.

If a job is worth doing well get someone else to do it.

“Your mouse has moved. Windows must be restarted for the change to take effect. Reboot now ? [OK]”

In elementary school, in case of fire, you have to line up quietly in a single file line from smallest to tallest. What is the logic? Do tall people burn slower?

They say you only use ten percent of your brain. What about the other ten?

Englishmen never will be slaves: they are free to do whatever the Government and public opinion allow them to do.

The best computer is a man, and it’s the only one that can be mass-produced by unskilled labour.

He who smiles in a crisis has found someone to blame.

Politicians are people who, when they see the light at the end of the tunnel, go out and buy more tunnel.

Cab drivers are living proof that practice does not make perfect.

Quantum mechanics: The dreams stuff is made of.

I hate women because they always know where things are.

This girl said she recognized me from the vegetarian club, but I’d never met herbivore

Remember half the people you know are below average.

Just remember... if the world didn’t suck, we’d all fall off.

If At First You Don’t Succeed... Blame Someone Else And Seek Counseling.

“Always be sincere, even when you don’t mean it”. — Irene Peter

Without question, the greatest invention in the history of mankind is beer. Oh, I grant you that the wheel was also a fine invention, but the wheel does not go nearly as well with pizza.

Years ago fairy tales began with “Once upon a time...” Now it’s “If I am elected...”

“Hey, I’ve got reasons for what I’m doing,” REALLY MEANS, “I sure hope I think of some pretty soon.”

“I’ve noticed that everyone who is for abortion has already been born.” – Ronald Reagan

Hard work never killed anybody but why take the chance?

Statistics are like bikinis – What they reveal is suggestive, but what they conceal is vital.

My parents stayed together for forty years, but that was out of spite.

Everybody is ignorant, only on different subjects.

I wished the buck stopped here, as I could use a few.

All my life, I always wanted to be somebody. Now I see that I should have been more specific.

Allow me to introduce my selves.

What’s the definition of a will? (It’s a dead giveaway).

If olive oil comes from olives, where does baby oil come from?

A guy got arrested for playing the guitar. He was fingering a minor.

Age is a very high price to pay for maturity.

If I have to work for an idiot, I might as well work for myself.

Half our life is spent trying to find something to do with the time we have rushed through life trying to save.

I took an IQ test and the results were negative.

Being single is like a vacuum. It sucks when you are turned on.

Moderation in all things, including moderation.

What’s another word for Thesaurus?

I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol.

We have two ends. One for sitting and one for thinking. Our success depends on which one we use most.

Seen it all, done it all, can’t remember most of it.

“He has been given a large brain by mistake, since for him the spinal cord would fully suffice.” — Albert Einstein

Any task worth doing was worth doing yesterday.

My favorite mythical creature? The honest politician.

Constipated People Don’t Give A Crap.

How do you keep an Irishman busy? Write P.T.O on both sides of a piece of paper.

The beatings will continue until morale improves.

Jokes about German sausage are the wurst.

A conclusion is simply the place where you got tired of thinking.

Knowledge is the key, but where is the damn lock?

Whenever people agree with me, I always feel I must be wrong.

I take everything I can for my kleptomania.

“Heavier-than-air flying machines are impossible.” — Lord Kelvin, president, Royal Society, 1895.

Procrastinate Now!

Conscience is the inner voice warning us that someone may be looking.

Don’t use a big word where a diminutive one will suffice.

Mind like a steel trap – rusty and illegal in most states.

I am a nobody, nobody is perfect, therefore I’m perfect.

Every morning is the dawn of a new error.

There is nothing so annoying as to have two people go right on talking when you’re interrupting.

Never underestimate the power of very stupid people in large groups.

“Reading computer manuals without the hardware is as frustrating as reading sex manuals without the software.” — Arthur C. Clarke.

Wine divulges truth.

It is even harder for the average ape to believe that he has descended from man.

A great many people think they are thinking when they are merely rearranging their prejudices.

I majored in liberal arts. Will that be for here or to go?

I wonder how much deeper would the ocean be without sponges.

Connection Reset - Insufficient Electrons

If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?

IRS: We’ve got what it takes to take what you’ve got.

I don’t have a solution but I admire the problem.

If I were two-faced, would I be wearing this one?

Everything is possible; just not too probable.

A diplomatic husband said to his wife, how do you expect me to remember your birthday when you never look any older?

Succeed in spite of management. Aim Low; Reach Your Goals, Avoid Disappointment.

Pardon my driving, I am reloading.

It’s hard to face the problem, when the problem is your face.

To err is human – and to blame it on a computer is even more so.

“I’d rather have a bottle in front of me, than a frontal lobotomy”. — Tom Waits

Snowmen fall from Heaven unassembled.

Authority makes some people grow – and others just swell.

Never argue with an idiot. They drag you down to their level then beat you with experience.

Ever stop to think and forget to start again?

How do you spot an Irishman at a carwash? He’s the one on the bike.

“Inconceivable!” “I do not think that word means what you think it means.”

Youth is a wonderful thing. What a crime to waste it on children.

Caution – Driver Legally Blonde!

e=mc^2 where m = the number of cooks required to spoil the broth

Haunted French pancakes give me the crêpes.

If the French were really intelligent, they’d speak English.

Nick Overruled - Democratic Majority Decision

When life hands you a lemon, make lemonade.

Men occasionally stumble over the truth, but most of them pick themselves up and hurry off as if nothing had happened. – Winston Churchill

You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.

Anything not nailed down is a cat toy.

A bachelor is a man who comes to work from a different direction each morning.

Where you stand depends on where you sit.

I’m an idealist: I don’t know where I’m going, but I’m on my way.

He’s not dead, he’s electroencephalographically challenged.

If we aren’t supposed to eat animals, why are they made of meat?

If money talks, it ain’t on speakin’ terms with me.

Abel Tasman on discovering Tasmania, “Too far south for spices and too close to the rim of the earth to be inhabited by anything but freaks and monsters”

My mind works like lightning. One brilliant flash and it is gone.

Age is an issue of mind over matter. If you don’t mind, it doesn’t matter.

Doctor, Doctor I keep getting pains in the eye when I drink coffee. Have you tried taking the spoon out?

If it weren’t for electricity we’d all be watching television by candlelight?

Make sure your mind isn’t so open that your brains fall out.

Man who drive like hell bound to get there.

Never put both feet in your mouth at the same time, because then you don’t have a leg to stand on.

On the plus side, death is one of the few things that can be done just as easily as lying down.

When in trouble, fear or doubt, run in circles, scream and shout.

Cheer up, the worst is yet to come.

It is not what a teenager knows that bothers his parents. It is how he found out.

The earthquake in Washington obviously was the government’s fault.

Sex on television can’t hurt you unless you fall off.

Everybody is somebody else’s weirdo.

Perhaps you’re diagonally parked in a parallel universe?

A conscience does not prevent sin. It only prevents you from enjoying it.

I installed a skylight in my apartment. The people who live above me are furious.

If a woman has to choose between catching a fly ball and saving an infant’s life, she will choose to save the infant’s life without even considering if there is a man on base.—Dave Barry

On a tombstone: I TOLD YOU I WAS SICK

Cheerfulness is contagious, but don’t wait to catch it from others. Be a carrier.

I get enough exercise just pushing my luck.

Support bacteria – they’re the only culture some people have.

Experience is something you do not get until just after you need it.

A penny saved is a Congressional spending oversight.

Get even – live long enough to be a problem to your kids.

Money is better than poverty, if only for financial reasons.

A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a train stops. On my desk I have a workstation...

Someone sent me a postcard picture of the earth. On the back it said, “Wish you were here.”

Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way when you criticize them, you are a mile away from them and you have their shoes.

A clean tie attracts the soup of the day.

It’s not that I’m afraid to die; I just don’t want to be there when it happens.

If the world should blow itself up, the last audible voice would be that of an expert saying it can’t be done.

It used to be only death and taxes were inevitable. Now, of course, there’s shipping and handling, too.

An egotist has one point in his favour – he doesn’t go round talking about other people.

I’m not afraid of heights, only widths.

There are very few personal problems that cannot be solved through a suitable application of high explosives.

To B or not to B? *kills the B* I HATE BEES!!!! – LynxofCP

My girlfriend told me I should be more affectionate. So I got two more girlfriends.

I don’t like people who take drugs... Customs Officers for example.

I heard a man say that brigands demand your money or your life, whereas women require both.

When Chemists die, they barium.

I didn’t like my beard at first. Then it grew on me.

I envy people who drink – at least they know what to blame everything on.

The trouble with jogging is that, by the time you realise you’re not in shape for it, it’s far too far to walk back.

A day without sun shine is like, you know, night.

This guy walks into a bar and the barman says “Ouch, that must have hurt”

As long as there are tests, there will be prayer in public schools.

TEAMWORK... means never having to take all the blame yourself.

On the other hand you have different fingers.

I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.

If at first you don’t succeed, try, try again. Then quit. There’s no use being a damned fool about it.

Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don’t.

Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?

The dumber people think you are, the more surprised they’re going to be when you kill them—Rodney Dangerfield

There are 10 types of people in the world: Those who understand binary, and those who don’t.

Cleverly Disguised As A Responsible Adult.

If you don’t learn to laugh at troubles, you won’t have anything to laugh at when you grow old.

How did Moses make his tea? Hebrews it.

If at first you don’t succeed, skydiving is not your sport.

Leftists are among the first to speak of their rights.

There are two types of people in this world, good and bad. The good sleep better, but the bad seem to enjoy the waking hours much more.

If puns were outlawed, only outlaws would have puns.

What does a clock do when it’s hungry? It goes back four seconds.

Why does Sea World have a seafood restaurant? I’m halfway through my fish burger and I realize, Oh my gosh... I could be eating a slow learner.

I’d explain it to you, but your brain would explode.

Five out of four people have trouble with fractions.

Heck is where people go who don’t believe in gosh.

How do you sink an Irish Submarine? Knock on the hatch.

Next time you wave, use all your fingers.

Time sneaks up on you like a windshield on a bug.

According to recent study someone is run over by a car every 5 minutes in the city. You’d think the guy would have enough sense to get out of the street.

Anything’s possible... apart from skiing through a revolving door.

Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?

The light at the end of the tunnel has been turned off due to budget cuts.

If you can’t dazzle them with brilliance... just baffle them with bullsh*t.

There are 3 kinds of people: those who can count and those who can’t.

If the human brain were so simple that we could understand it, we would be so simple we couldn’t.

I guess traffic in the city is improving a little. Yesterday, I drove clear across town and only had to shave twice.

The scientific theory I like best is that the rings of Saturn are composed entirely of lost airline luggage.

Democracy is a government where you can say what you think even if you don’t think.

Character is what you are in the dark.

Women like silent men. They think they’re listening.

It’s easy to quit smoking... I’ve done it over 10,000 times.

We’ve made great medical progress in the last generation. What used to be merely an itch is now an allergy.

The sooner you fall behind the more time you’ll have to catch up.

Instead of getting married again, I’m going to find a woman I don’t like and just give her a house.—Rod Stewart

“Everyday I beat my own previous record for number of consecutive days I’ve stayed alive.”

If a man opens a car door for a woman, either the car is new or the woman.

Everything you like is bad for you in some way.

I have spent my whole life looking for the perfect woman, and now I’ve found her. Too bad she’s looking for the perfect man.

All those who believe in psycho kinesis raise my hand.

I was at a bar nursing a beer. My nipple was getting quite soggy.

“If women didn’t exist, all the money in the world would have no meaning.” – Aristotle Onassis

Cole’s Law: Thinly sliced cabbage.

Pick your friends but not to pieces.

Everybody lies, but it doesn’t matter since nobody listens.

I have noticed that the people who are late are often so much jollier that the people who have to wait for them.

Genius is 1% inspiration, and 99% perspiration.

Well if this is the wrong number, why did you answer it?

I couldn’t repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.

Hemp is a herb. Bush is a dope.

Brain: an apparatus with which we think we think.

Insanity is hereditary; you can get it from your children.

“I believe in equality for everyone, except reporters and photographers”. — Gandhi

A procrastinator’s work is never done.

Progress was all right. Only it went on too long.

Where do you find an Irish woodworm? Dead inside a brick.

In the beginning, God created earth and rested. Then God created man and rested. Then God created woman. Since then, neither God nor man has rested.

Just because your head is the biggest doesn’t mean it contains the right ideas.

I plead contemporary insanity.

I used to find him boring until I stopped listening.

I used up all my sick days, so I’m calling in dead.

The most precious thing we have is life. Yet it has absolutely no trade-in value.

Some people say that I must be a horrible person, but that’s not true. I have the heart of a young boy – in a jar on my desk.

If people concentrated on the really important things in life, there’d be a shortage of fishing poles.

One should forgive one’s enemies, but not before they are hanged.

You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say will be misquoted then used against you.

I’m in no shape to exercise.

Early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.

Santa’s helpers are subordinate clauses.

You have to stay in shape. My grandmother, she started walking five miles a day when she was 60. She’s 97 today and we don’t know where the hell she is.

Even crime wouldn’t pay if the government ran it.

I spent most of my money on booze, drugs and women... The rest I wasted!

“On two occasions I have been asked [by members of Parliament!]: ‘Pray, Mr. Babbage, if you put into the machine wrong figures, will the right answers come out ?’ I am not able rightly to apprehend the kind of confusion of ideas that could provoke such a question.” — Charles Babbage.

Men are from earth. Women are from earth. Deal with it.

“I’ve been on a calendar but I have never been on time” – Marilyn Monroe

The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.

They told me I had type A blood, but it was a Type O

Some people are going to leave a mark on this world, while others will leave a stain.

I stayed up all night to see where the sun went. Then it dawned on me.

Macho Law prohibits me from admitting I’m wrong.

Brilliant, but with the social skills of a thermonuclear device.

As the light changed from red to green to yellow and back to red again, I sat there thinking about life. Was it nothing more than a bunch of honking and yelling? Sometimes it seemed that way.

Errors have been made. Others will be blamed.

Be nice to your kids. They’ll choose your nursing home.

You can always spot a well-informed man – his views are the same as yours.

Why is it called tourist season if we can’t shoot at them?

Eagles may soar, but weasels don’t get sucked into jet engines.

Honk if you love peace and quiet.

I don’t approve of political jokes... I’ve seen too many of them get elected.

Acupuncture is a jab well done.

If vegetable oil comes from vegetables, where does baby oil come from?

Nothing means nothing, but it isn’t really nothing because nothing is something that isn’t.

No sense being pessimistic, it probably wouldn’t work anyway.

“There is no reason anyone would want a computer in their home.” — Ken Olson, founder of Digital Equipment Corp., 1977.

I’m quite easy to get along with, once you learn to beckon at my every call and yield to all my desires.

If you don’t know where you are going, you might wind up someplace else.

Anywhere is walking distance, if you’ve got the time.

“My wife made me join a bridge club. I jump off next Tuesday” — Rodney Dangerfield

Help Wanted: Telepath. You know where to apply.

I can please only one person per day. Today is not your day. Tomorrow isn’t looking good either.

I’m desperately trying to figure out why kamikaze pilots wore helmets.

All the toilets in New York’s police stations have been stolen. The police have nothing to go on.

A bird in the hand is safer than one overhead.

Those who can laugh without cause have either found the true meaning of happiness or have gone stark raving mad.

It’s important to be open-minded, but not SO open-minded that your brains fall out.

God must love stupid people, he made so many.

A soldier who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran.

The trouble with our times is that the future is not what it used to be.

One good turn gets most of the blankets.

Prediction is extremely difficult. Especially about the future.

What do you call a dinosaur with an extensive vocabulary? A thesaurus.

Needing someone is like needing a parachute. If he isn’t there the first time you need him, chances are you won’t be needing him again.

Every time I look at you I get a fierce desire to be lonesome.

If all you have is a hammer, everything looks like a nail.

If it’s true that we are here to help others, then what exactly are the others here for?

Of course, we are all worms—but I like to think, at least, that I am a glow-worm. – Winston Churchill

Sometimes I wake up grumpy; other times I let her sleep

Bacteria: the only culture some people have.

At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be “What is hell?” Come early and listen to our choir practice.

Most vegetarians look so much like the food they eat that they can be classified as cannibals.

I used to be a banker, but then I lost interest.

The truth is a precious commodity. That’s why I use it so sparingly.

An Apple a day keeps the doctor away. But... an onion a day keeps everyone away.

We waste time, so you don’t have to.

I don’t suffer from stress. I’m a carrier.

Smith & Wesson — the original point and click interface.

Sometimes I think the surest sign that intelligent life exists elsewhere in the universe is that none of it has tried to contact us.

I think, therefore I am single.

Why is the third hand on the watch called a second hand?

People don’t grow up; they just learn how to act in public.

Work: It isn’t just for sleeping anymore.

“People who drink light beer don’t like the taste of beer; they just like to pee a lot” — Rodney Dangerfield

The trouble with life is there’s no background music.

I got a job at a bakery because I kneaded dough.

There are three ways to get something done: do it yourself, hire someone, or forbid your kids to do it.

If life was fair, Elvis would be alive and all the impersonators would be dead.

“There are only two things that are infinite: the universe and human stupidity. And I’m not sure about the universe.” A. Einstein

The art of flying is to throw yourself at the ground and miss.

“If carrots are so good for the eyes, how come I see so many dead rabbits on the highway?”

Optimists believe we live on the greatest world. Pessimists believe this is true.

“Einstein argued that there must be simplified explanations of nature, because God is not capricious or arbitrary. No such faith comforts the software engineer.” — Fred Brooks.

PMS jokes aren’t funny. Period.

What happens if you get scared half to death twice?

My one regret in life is that I am not someone else.

Whenever there is any doubt, there is no doubt.

Outside a Hong Kong tailor shop: Ladies may have a fit upstairs.

The doctor can bury his mistakes but an architect can only advise his client to plant vines.

Is Disney World the only people trap operated by a mouse?

Democracy is a process by which people are free to choose the man who will get the blame.

Hang in there; retirement is only thirty years away.

Under capitalism, man exploits man. Under Communism, it’s just the opposite.

I always wanted to be a procrastinator, never got around to it though.

“If builders built buildings the way programmers write programs, then the first woodpecker that came along would destroy civilization” — Weinberg’s Second Law.

Isn’t having a smoking section in a restaurant like having a peeing section in a swimming pool?

I dropped out of communism class because of lousy Marx.

People can be divided into three groups: Those who make things happen, those who watch things happen, and those who wonder what happened.

I’m out of my mind, but feel free to leave a message.

All men are equal. Some are just more equal than others.

Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying of nothing.

Go the extra mile. It makes your boss look like an incompetent slacker.

Just because you’re not paranoid doesn’t mean they’re not out to get you.

Broken pencils are pointless.

I have kleptomania, but when it gets bad, I take something for it. ~ Robert Benchle

It is a small world, but I wouldn’t like to have to paint it.

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“Auntie Em: hate you, hate Kansas, taking the dog.” – Dorothy

Sheep don’t fly so much as plummet.

Eschew obfuscation.

Ours is a world where people don’t know what they want and are willing to go through hell to get it.

Age always corresponds inversely to the size of your multivitamin.

If ever I get married again it would have to be under an anaesthetic.

If you can’t beat your computer at chess, try kickboxing.

He’s so lazy. I’ve seen him step into a revolving door and wait.

Climbers aim for the summit because it is there. Bungi jumpers dive off the top because they aren’t all there.

Be kind to your dentist. He has fillings, too.

A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat.

Men have a much better time of it than women; for one thing, they marry later; for another thing they die earlier.

If Bill Gates had a nickel for every time Windows crashed... oh wait, he does.

If you want your spouse to listen and pay strict attention to every word you say, talk in your sleep.

If you can’t be kind, at least have the decency to be vague.

If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?

Once, during prohibition, I was forced to live for days on nothing but food and water.

If you do not make dust, you eat dust.

Consciousness: that annoying time between naps.

“I could tell that my parents hated me. My bath toys were a toaster and a radio” — Rodney Dangerfield

I generally avoid temptation unless I can’t resist it.

Anything that can become tangled around something else, will.

A baby sitter is a teenager acting like an adult while the adults are out acting like teenagers.

I’ve been trying for some time to develop a life style that doesn’t require my presence.

The world is full of willing people; some willing to work, the rest willing to let them.

I like to start my periods with sentences.

“Things are more like they are now than they ever were before.” – Former U.S. President Dwight D. Eisenhower

If automobiles had followed the same development cycle as the computer, a Rolls Royce would today cost $100, get a million miles per gallon, and explode once a year, killing everyone inside.

How can you come out of a closet if you never went in there in the first place?

Nobody can be exactly like me. Even I have trouble doing it.

Someday we’ll look back on all this and plow into the back of a parked car.

One good thing about repeating your mistakes is that you know when to cringe.

Restarting System - Mouse Moved

Foolproof systems don’t take into account the ingenuity of fools.

“I have never let my schooling interfere with my education.”—Mark Twain

In the office of a Roman doctor: Specialist in women and other diseases.

Everybody is ignorant, only on different subjects.

In the beginning, there was nothing. Then God said, “Let there be light,” and there was still nothing, but you could see it.

Bachelors have consciences, married men have wives.

Tell me what you need, and I’ll tell you how to get along without it.

I always wanted to be somebody, but I should have been more specific.

If you can’t convince them, confuse them.

Quantum: Noun, word used to sound like I know what I’m talking about while discussing physics I’ve never actually studied.

If it’s 0 degrees today and it’s going to be twice as cold tomorrow... how cold will it be?

I’m sorry; you cannot have an outlook on life because it isn’t responding. Microsoft apologises for any inconvenience.

Don’t Be Sexist – Broads Hate That.

It has recently been discovered that research causes cancer in rats.

I’m not into working out. My philosophy: No pain, no pain.

When all other means of communication fail, try words.

A study in the Washington Post says that women have better verbal skills than men. I just want to say to the authors of that study: “Duh.”— Conan O’Brien

I fear my inferiority complex is not as good as yours.

Time’s fun when you’re having flies... Kermit the Frog

I have the body of a GOD – Buddha.

Lead us not into temptation. Just tell us where it is; we’ll find it.

Murphy’s Golden Rule: Whoever has the gold makes the rules.

Modesty is a virtue of fools.

Good judgement comes from experience. Experience comes from bad judgement.

When angry count four, when very angry, swear.

Last night I lay in bed looking up at the stars in the sky and I thought to myself, “Where the heck is the ceiling?”

My mind not only wanders, sometimes it leaves completely.

Best way to get a man to do something, is to suggest they are too old for it.

If we don’t succeed, we run the risk of failure.

To succeed in politics, it is often necessary to rise above your principles.

If you’re born again, do you have two bellybuttons?

Never put off until tomorrow what you can avoid altogether.

Men don’t care what’s on TV. They only care what else is on TV.

In this world, nothing is certain but death and taxes. – Benjamin Franklin

It is hard enough to remember my opinions, without also remembering my reasons for them!

Being in the army is like being in the Boy Scouts, except that the Boy Scouts have adult supervision.

Man who eat many prunes get good run for money.

For people who like peace and quiet – a phoneless cord.

“War does not determine who is right - only who is left.” – Bertrand Russell

Laugh and the world laughs with you; snore and you sleep alone.

Legend: a lie that has attained the dignity of age.

Save the whales. Collect the whole set.

In a Norwegian cocktail lounge: Ladies are requested not to have children in the bar.

Get a new car for your spouse – it’ll be a great trade!

Take my advice, I don’t use it anyway.

So Many Pedestrians – So Little Time.

This Would Be Really Funny If It Weren’t Happening To Me.

The day I can’t do my job drunk is the day I turn in my badge and gun.

Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy.

“My computer NEVER loc

A hangover is the wrath of grapes.

I thought I wanted a career, turns out I just wanted paychecks.

Smoking cures weight problems...eventually...

If you’re not wasted, the day is.

Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?

Jokes about German sausage are the wurst.

“I am not worried about the deficit. It is big enough to take care of itself.” – Ronald Reagan

There’s a fine line between genius and insanity. I have erased this line.

It is wiser to find out than to suppose.—Mark Twain

I don’t want to achieve immortality through my work. I want to achieve immortality through not dying.

When you come to a fork in the road, take it.

Birthdays are good for you. Statistics show that the people who have the most live the longest.

When a clock is hungry, it goes back four seconds.

Oh, don’t fuss. I just cut myself. It’s no big deal,” REALLY MEANS, “I have actually severed a limb, but will bleed to death before I admit I’m hurt.”

Why is it that to stop Windows, you have to click on “Start”?

Venison for dinner again? Oh deer!

I love cats – they taste just like chicken.

I tried to photograph the fog, but I mist.

I haven’t spoken to my wife for 18 months: I don’t like to interrupt her.

Compromise: the art of dividing a cake so that everybody believes he or she got the biggest piece.

Anyone can admit they were wrong; the true test is admitting it to someone else.

Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian any more than going to the garage makes you a car.

I hope that after I die, people will say of me: “That guy sure owed me a lot of money.”

I used to be apathetic, but now I don’t give a damn.

INDECISION is the key to FLEXIBILITY.

They say if you play a Microsoft CD backwards you hear satanic messages. That’s nothing, if you play it forwards it installs Windows.

Comedy is tragedy plus time.

He who laughs last thinks slowest.

I love deadlines. I especially like the whooshing sound they make as they go flying by.

Make three correct guesses consecutively and you will establish yourself as an expert.

Horn broken. Watch for finger. (on bumper sticker)

You’ll never get to heaven if you’re scared of getting high.

It is hard to understand how a cemetery raised its burial charges and blamed it on the cost of living.

To find out a girl’s faults, praise her to her girl friends.

Before you give a colleague a piece of your mind, be sure you can spare it.

People with narrow minds usually have broad tongues.

An Irish man was driving to the airport when he saw a sign saying ‘Airport – Left’... So he went home.

“You, you and you: panic. The rest of you, come with me.”

You can’t have everything. Where would you put it?

I started out with nothing, and I still have most of it.

Men’s faults are many, women have only two. Everything they say, and everything they do.

It’s not hard to meet expenses, they’re everywhere.

I am free of all prejudices. I hate everyone equally.

Is there life before death?

Warning: Dates in Calendar are closer than they appear.

I don’t suffer from stress. I’m a carrier.

Marathon runners with bad footwear suffer the agony of defeat.

If trees could scream, would we be so cavalier about cutting them down? We might, if they screamed all the time, for no good reason.

Fundamentalism: Believe in a kind, loving God or we’ll kill you!

A team effort is a lot of people doing what I say

Everyone needs belief in something. I believe I’ll have another beer.

Arguing on the Internet is like competing in the Special Olympics – even if you win, you are still retarded.

Illiterate? Write For Help.

Honesty is the best policy, but insanity is a better defence.

Partying... oops No Only Parting... sorry

That which cannot be taken apart will fall apart.

We must believe in free will, we have no choice.

Youth would be an ideal state if it came a little later in life.

Marriage is not a word; it is a sentence.

I used to think I was indecisive, but now I’m not sure.

Everybody has a photographic memory. Some don’t have film.

Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.

A synonym is a word you use when you can’t spell the word you first thought of.

Mines are equal opportunity weapons.

When he first ran for office, he appealed to the voters: “I never stole anything in my life. All I ask is a chance.”

I don’t enjoy computer jokes; not one bit.

We are going on a field trip to the Coca-Cola factory. I hope there are no pop quizzes.

“As a matter of fact” is an expression that precedes many an expression that isn’t.

“The generation of random numbers is too important to be left to chance.” — Robert R. Coveyou, Oak Ridge National Laboratory.

Lord, if you won’t make me skinny, please make all my friends fat.

After all is said and done, more is said than done.

AIBOHPHOBIA – the fear of palindromes.

Mental Floss prevents Moral Decay.

The man who fell into an upholstery machine is fully recovered.

You’re not drunk if you can lie on the floor without holding on.

If at first you do succeed, try to hide your astonishment.

An army of deer led by a lion is more to be feared than an army of lions led by a deer.

Man shoots neighbour with machete [The Miami Herald, July 3]

When you do not know what you are doing, do it neatly.

I am amazed at radio DJ’s today. I am firmly convinced that AM on my radio stands for Absolute Moron. I will not begin to tell you what FM stands for.

A drop of ink may make a million think.

“Then he ran into my knife. He ran into my knife ten times.” – Chicago

Slow is when someone laps you in the hundred-yard dash

Blessed are those who can laugh at themselves, they will never cease to be amused.

How do you get an Irishman to burn his ear? Ring him up while he is ironing.

“You start coding. I’ll go find out what they want.” — Computer analyst to programmer

Life is far too important to be taken seriously.

Raising teenagers is like trying to nail Jell-O to a tree.

A printer consists of three main parts: the case, the jammed paper tray and the blinking red light

Experience is simply the name we give our mistakes.

Always try to be modest and be proud of it!

I’d give my right arm to be ambidextrous.

It’s strange, isn’t it. You stand in the middle of a library and go aaaaagghhhh’ and everyone just stares at you. But you do the same thing on an aeroplane, and everyone joins in.

I laugh in the face of danger, except if I’m involved.

Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

Never buy a car you can’t push.

I Refuse To Have A Battle Of Wits With An Unarmed Person.

Money is flat and meant to be piled up. – Scottish Proverb

The surprising thing about young fools is how many survive to become old fools.

Always remember you’re unique, just like everyone else.

I am obviously right, and as you disagree with me, then logically you must be wrong.

When you get a bladder infection, urine trouble.

Advertisement for donkey rides in Thailand: Would you like to ride on your own ass?

Be thankful for problems. If they were less difficult, someone with less ability might have your job.

I either want less corruption, or more chance to participate in it.

Whenever I feel like exercise, I lie down until the feeling passes.

Life... I don’t get it...

Time is God’s way of keeping everything from happening at once.

I Haven’t Lost My Mind, It’s Backed Up On Disk Somewhere.

Age is a question of mind over matter. If you don’t mind, it don’t matter.

Plagiarism saves time.

I did a theatrical performance about puns. It was a play on words.

“Blink your eyelids periodically to lubricate your eyes.” — Page 16 of the HP “Environmental, Health Safety Handbook for Employees”.

“When in doubt tell the truth.”—Mark Twain

The early bird gets the worm, but the early worm gets eaten.

It’s just a job. Grass grows, birds fly, waves pound the sand. I just beat people up. – Muhammad Ali

If you don’t know where you are going, you will wind up somewhere else.

Despite the cost of living it’s still very popular.

He often broke into song because he couldn’t find the key.

One of the greatest labour-saving inventions today is tomorrow.

Don’t talk unless you can improve the silence.

I’m not dumb; I just have a command of thoroughly useless information.

Don’t take life too seriously—you’ll never get out of it alive.

Remember the teakettle; though up to its neck in hot water, it continues to sing.

“You can always count on Americans to do the right thing—after they’ve tried everything else” – Winston Churchill

Better to remain silent and be thought a fool, than to speak and remove all doubt.

Anyone who told you to be yourself couldn’t have given you worse advice.

Well, if I called the wrong number, why did you answer the phone?

When I’m not in my right mind, my left mind gets pretty crowded

What do you call a dinosaur with an extensive vocabulary? A thesaurus.

He who trains his tongue to quote the learned sages, will be known far and wide as a smart ass.

The difference between a stepping-stone and a stumbling block can be when you see it.

There are only three kinds of people; people who can count and people who can’t.

Laughing stock: cattle with a sense of humour.

Being a philosopher, I have a problem for every solution.

Stupidity is not a handicap. Park elsewhere!

Shin: a device for finding furniture in the dark.

“I think there is a world market for maybe five computers.” — Thomas Watson, chairman of IBM, 1943.

If you’re not confused, you’re not paying attention.

“I wish everyone was peaceful. Then I could take over the planet with a butter knife”—Dogbert

A backwards poet writes inverse.

Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.

Jack and Jill did it for the insurance.

If con is the opposite of pro, congress is the opposite of progress.

Early to rise, early to bed, makes a man healthy but socially dead.

Ninety-nine per cent of the people in the world are fools and the rest of us are in great danger of contagion.

Eagles may soar, but weasels don’t get sucked into jet engines.

If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?

I have had more trouble with myself than with any other man I’ve met.

Before marriage, a man yearns for the woman he loves. After marriage, the ‘Y’ becomes silent.

Confidence is the feeling you have before you understand the situation

I think that’s how Chicago got started. A bunch of people in New York said, “Gee, I’m enjoying the crime and the poverty, but it just isn’t cold enough. Let’s go west.”—Richard Jeni

One martini is all right, two is too many, and three is not enough.

Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7th of your life.

Two signs from a Majorcan shop entrance: English well speaking / Here speeching American.

Love is blind, but marriage is a real eye-opener.

Living is not worth dying for.

People who think they know everything are annoying to those of us who do.

There are two kinds of people, those who finish what they start, and so on.

Red Tape Holds Up New Bridge!

I’m reading a book about anti-gravity. I can’t put it down.

A dog that attends a flea circus most likely will steal the whole show.

Don’t marry for money. You can borrow it cheaper.

Only a fool is astonished by the foolishness of humankind.

If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?

If sex is such a natural phenomenon, how come there are so many books on how to do it.

My husband says I never listen to him (at least I think that’s what he said)

“How can a president not be an actor?” – when asked “How could an actor become president?” – Ronald Reagan

Killed - Personality Incompatibility

Borrow money from pessimists- they don’t expect to get it back.

I was the next door kid’s imaginary friend.

The second day of a diet is alway easier than the first. By the second day, you’re off it.

Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.

Shin: a device for finding furniture in the dark.

On the keyboard of life, always keep one finger on the escape key.

Doctor, Doctor You’ve got to help me – I just can’t stop my hands shaking. Do you drink a lot? Not really – I spill most of it!

Show me a piano falling down a mineshaft and I’ll show you A-flat minor.

What Has Four Legs And An Arm? A Happy Pit Bull.

Not all men are annoying. Some are dead.

The shortest distance between two points is under construction.

To define recursion, we must first define recursion.

How do I set a laser printer to stun?

A cartoonist was found dead in his home. Details are sketchy.

“#define QUESTION ((bb) || !(bb))” — Shakespeare

What if there were no hypothetical questions?

Anything not nailed down is mine. Anything I can pry loose is not nailed down.

When I was young, I could remember anything. Whether it happened or not.

From the moment I picked your book up until I laid it down I was convulsed with laughter. Some day I intend reading it.

I don’t meet competition. I crush it

It is said that if you line up all the cars in the world end to end, someone would be stupid enough to try and pass them.

I’d like to see things your way, but I’m looking in another direction.

Honest criticism is hard to take, particularly from a relative, a friend, an acquaintance, or a stranger.

Love is like an hourglass, with the heart filling up as the brain empties.

If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?

The most powerful force in the universe is gossip.

“Every mighty oak was once just a nut who stood his ground.”

The secret of success is sincerity. Once you can fake that you’ve got it made.

I like kids, but I don’t think I could eat a whole one.

I’m an apathetic sociopath – I’d kill you if I cared.

Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

By the time a man realises that his father was right, he has a son who thinks he’s wrong.

“C++ : Where friends have access to your private members.” — Gavin Russell Baker.

I don’t necessarily agree with everything I say.

Tip the world over on its side and everything loose will land in Los Angeles.

“Few things are harder to put up with than a good example.”—Mark Twain

I majored in liberal arts. Will that be for here or to go?

A person who smiles in the face of adversity... probably has a scapegoat.

99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.

I am not a vegetarian because I love animals; I am a vegetarian because I hate plants.

Having more money doesn’t make you happier. I have 50 million dollars but I’m just as happy as when I had 48 million. ~ Arnold Schwarzenegger.

If I were someone who knew something, who could I tell that would believe me?

Artificial Intelligence is no match for Natural Stupidity.

When you are arguing with an idiot, make sure the other person isn’t doing the same thing.

Even paranoids have real enemies.

There’s a difference between being open-minded and having a hole in your head

In a Rome laundry: Ladies, leave your clothes here and spend the afternoon having a good time.

In a Copenhagen airline ticket office: We take your bags and send them in all directions.

The only difference between Genius and Insanity... is success.

The amount of work to be done increases in proportion to the amount of work already completed. — VAIL’S SECOND AXIOM

Why do we wash bath towels, aren’t we clean when we use them?

Accept that some days you’re the pigeon, and some days you’re the statue.

If quizzes are quizzical, what are tests?

Outside of a dog, a book is probably man’s best friend, and inside of a dog, it’s too dark to read.

This mind intentionally left blank

When I was a boy I was told that anybody could become president; I’m beginning to believe it.

I love work; it fascinates me; I can sit and watch it for hours.

This comment is printed on 100% recycled electrons.

The only reason some people get lost in thought is because it’s unfamiliar territory.

Alcohol: the cause of, and solution to, all of life’s problems.

Why is the man that invests your money called a broker?

I changed my iPod’s name to Titanic. It’s syncing now.

Half of the people in the world are below average.

Keyboard not detected. Press F1 to continue

The fellow who thinks he knows it all is especially annoying to those of us who do.

If I’d known I was going to live this long, I’d have taken better care of myself.

An egotist is a person of low taste—more interested in himself than in me.

I had amnesia once or twice.

It is a fitting irony that under Richard Nixon, ‘launder’ became a dirty word.

I know a guy who is addicted to brake fluid. He says he can stop anytime.

A committee is a body that keeps minutes and wastes hours.

Stupidity is not a handicap! Park somewhere else!

A poor excuse is like an old bucket; doesn’t matter what shape it is in, as long as it holds water.

There’s a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot.

I like children. Properly cooked.

The short fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.

My reality check just bounced.

In democracy it’s your vote that counts. In feudalism it’s your count that votes.

We Quit Voting Will They All Go Away?

Life is complex: it has real and imaginary parts.

A bird does not sing because it has an answer—it sings because it has a song.

Madness takes its toll. Please have exact change.

One day I will get this peer guy and reset his connection.

Man does not live by words alone, despite the fact that sometimes he has to eat them.

I want to die peacefully in my sleep like my grandfather, not screaming in abject horror like his passengers.

“The web is a dominatrix. Every where I turn, I see little buttons ordering me to Submit.” — Nytwind.

A bargain is something you don’t need at a price you can’t resist.

Any ship can be a minesweeper... once.

Streakers beware: Your end is in sight.

The chance of a piece of bread falling with the buttered side down is directly proportional to the cost of the carpet.

Bigamy is having one wife too many. Monogamy is the same. – Oscar Wilde

It is well to remember the entire population of the universe, with one trifling exception, is composed of others.

In a Budapest zoo: Please do not feed the animals. If you have any suitable food, give it to the guard on duty.

I work hard because millions on welfare depend on me.

Booze is the answer. I don’t remember the question.

At the age of six I wanted to be a cook. At seven I wanted to be Napoleon. And my ambition has been growing steadily ever since.

The more time you spend in reporting on what you are doing, the less time you have to do it in. Stability is achieved when you spend all your time doing nothing but reporting on the nothing you are doing.

The things that come to those that wait may be the things left by those who got there first.

Latest survey shows that 3 out of 4 people make up 75% of the world’s population.

“How come we choose from just two people to run for president and 50 for Miss America?”

Laugh at your problems; everybody else does.

The only perfect science is hindsight.

If you don’t pay your exorcist you get repossessed.

“I worked in a pet shop and people kept asking how big I’d get” — Rodney Dangerfield

If you don’t know why I’m mad at you, then I’m certainly not going to tell you

Solitude is fine, but you need someone to tell you that solitude is fine.

I used to be a Kleptomaniac, But now I’m taking something for it

Time flies like an arrow – fruit flies like a banana.

Energizer Bunny arrested: Charged with battery.

Success always occurs in private, and failure in full public view.

If it weren’t for the last minute, nothing would ever get done.

You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They left a little note on the windscreen, it said ‘Parking Fine.’

I took a speed reading course and read ‘War and Peace’ in twenty minutes. It involves Russia. Enough women for four.

I love being married. It’s so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.

Chipped dishes never break.

Sheep don’t fly so much as plummet.

Computers make it easy to do a lot of things, but most of the things that make it easier to do don’t need to be done.

Why don’t you ever see the headline “Psychic Wins Lottery”?

I’ve always wanted to be normal, but lately I’ve come to suspect that this is it.

I can resist everything except temptation.

Bachelors know more about women than married men; if they didn’t they’d be married too.

Maybe I’m lucky to be going so slowly, because I may be going in the wrong direction.

Remember... Marriage is the number one cause of divorce. Statistically, 100% of all divorces started with marriage.

Always do sober what you said you’d do drunk. That will teach you to keep your mouth shut.

“Life is a waste of time, time is a waste of life, so get wasted all of the time and have the time of your life”. — Tom Waits

When in doubt, mumble.

Seeing a murder on television...will help work off one’s antagonisms. And if you haven’t any antagonisms, the commercials will give you some.

What sane person could live in this world and not be crazy?

I have gone to look for myself, if I should return before I get back, keep me here.

Did you hear about the cross-eyed teacher who lost her job because she couldn’t control her pupils?

“A girl phoned me the other day and said... Come on over, there’s nobody home. I went over. Nobody was home” — Rodney Dangerfield

The dictionary is the only place where success comes before work.

Roses are red, Violets are blue. In Soviet Russia, Poems write you.

Eat a live toad first thing in the morning, and nothing worse can happen to you the rest of the day.

“The object of war is not to die for your country but to make the other bastard die for his.” – General George Patton

If you want a committed man, look in a mental hospital.

Blessed are the young, for they shall inherit the national debt.

Does this smell like chloroform to you?

“Reader, suppose you were an idiot. And suppose you were a member of Congress. But I repeat myself”. — Mark Twain

Don’t use a big word where a diminutive one will suffice.

It is not my interest to pay the principal, nor my principal to pay the interest.

For Sale: Parachute. Only used once, never opened, small stain.

The human brain is a wonderful thing. It starts working the moment you are born, and never stops until you stand up to speak in public.

If at first you don’t succeed, try management.

Chaos, panic, & disorder – my work here is done.

Time is a great teacher, but unfortunately it kills all its pupils.

You’re such an inspiration for the way I’ll never choose to be.

If a President doesn’t do it to his wife, he’ll do it to his country.

Never go to a doctor whose office plants have died.

Velcro — what a rip off!

As a final incentive before giving up a difficult task, try to imagine it successfully accomplished by someone you violently dislike.

“You have to be careful about being too careful” – Beryl Pfizer

Remember, half the people you know are below average.

How Many Roads Must A Man Travel Down Before He Admits He Is Lost?

If everything is coming your way, you are probably in the wrong lane.

Originality is the fine art of remembering what you hear, but forgetting where you heard it.

I have a simple philosophy. Fill what’s empty. Empty what’s full. Scratch where it itches.

My schoolmates would make love to anything that moved, but I never saw any reason to limit myself.

Somewhere on this globe, every ten seconds, is a woman giving birth to a child. She must be found and stopped.

If at first you don’t succeed, destroy all the evidence that you tried.

We spend the first twelve months of our children’s lives teaching them to walk and talk and the next twelve telling them to sit down and shut up.

I married my wife for her looks... but not the ones she’s been giving me lately!

A pessimist is a man who has been compelled to live with an optimist

“Banking establishments are more dangerous than standing armies”. — Thomas Jefferson

I don’t believe in astrology. I am a Sagittarius and we’re very skeptical. ~ Arthur C. Clarke

“This ‘telephone’ has too many shortcomings to be seriously considered as a means of communication.” — Western Union internal memo, 1876.

I think animal testing is a terrible idea; they get all nervous and give the wrong answers.

Marriage is a three-ring circus: engagement ring, wedding ring, and suffering.

History will be kind to me for I intend to write it. – Winston Churchill

No problem is so big and complicated that it can’t be ran away from.

Everyone hates me because I’m paranoid.

Military intelligence is a contradiction in terms.

Some people are alive only because it’s illegal to kill them.

Programmer – A red-eyed, mumbling mammal capable of conversing with inanimate objects.

Hypochondria is the only disease I haven’t got.

Man who run in front of car get tired.

“The best thing about the future is that it comes only one day at a time.” – Abraham Lincoln

“Are you going to come quietly, or do I have to use earplugs?”—Vale Spike Milligan

“A patriot must always be ready to defend his country against his government”. — Edward Abbey

I tried sniffing Coke once, but the ice cubes got stuck in my nose.

Confidence is the feeling you have before you understand the situation.

Tips for Vegetarians: Hit a chicken enough times and it turns into a vegetable.

111,111,111 x 111,111,111 = 12,345,678,987,654,321

I had some words with my wife, and she had some paragraphs with me.

When your IQ reaches 80 –– sell.

The number of people watching you is directly proportional to the stupidity of your action.

Why is it that doctors call what they do “practice”?

If someone with multiple personalities threatens suicide... is it considered a hostage situation?

Marriage changes passion... suddenly you’re in bed with a relative.

“Oh dear,” said God, “I hadn’t thought of that,” and promptly vanished in a puff of logic.

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