Amusing Quotes & One-Liners

A guy got arrested for playing the guitar. He was fingering a minor.

It’s easy to quit smoking... I’ve done it over 10,000 times.

Always remember you’re unique, just like everyone else.

You look like a million dollars. All green and wrinkled.

“Reading computer manuals without the hardware is as frustrating as reading sex manuals without the software.” — Arthur C. Clarke.

Money is flat and meant to be piled up. – Scottish Proverb

Nick Overruled - Democratic Majority Decision

Doctor, Doctor You’ve got to help me – I just can’t stop my hands shaking. Do you drink a lot? Not really – I spill most of it!

I married my wife for her looks... but not the ones she’s been giving me lately!

“They say hard work never hurt anybody, but I figure why take the chance.” – Ronald Reagan

Don’t use a big word where a diminutive one will suffice.

I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.

Support bacteria – they’re the only culture some people have.

Tips for Vegetarians: Hit a chicken enough times and it turns into a vegetable.

I’m quite easy to get along with, once you learn to beckon at my every call and yield to all my desires.

Be kind to your dentist. He has fillings, too.

Cluster bombing from B-52s is very, very accurate – the bombs always hit the ground.

“War does not determine who is right - only who is left.” – Bertrand Russell

Venison for dinner again? Oh deer!

I don’t want to achieve immortality through my work. I want to achieve immortality through not dying.

You’ll never get to heaven if you’re scared of getting high.

I have spent my whole life looking for the perfect woman, and now I’ve found her. Too bad she’s looking for the perfect man.

Why is it called tourist season if we can’t shoot at them?

Bachelors have consciences, married men have wives.

I used to be a Kleptomaniac, But now I’m taking something for it

Insanity is hereditary; you can get it from your children.

I laugh in the face of danger, except if I’m involved.

Outside a Hong Kong tailor shop: Ladies may have a fit upstairs.

Where there’s a will, I want to be in it.

It is well to remember the entire population of the universe, with one trifling exception, is composed of others.

If at first you don’t succeed, try management.

Time flies like an arrow – fruit flies like a banana.

I can please only one person per day. Today is not your day. Tomorrow isn’t looking good either.

I often quote myself; it adds spice to my conversation.

“Blink your eyelids periodically to lubricate your eyes.” — Page 16 of the HP “Environmental, Health Safety Handbook for Employees”.

“The object of war is not to die for your country but to make the other bastard die for his.” – General George Patton

Despite the cost of living it’s still very popular.

I’m out of my mind, but feel free to leave a message.

“Few things are harder to put up with than a good example.”—Mark Twain

“If women didn’t exist, all the money in the world would have no meaning.” – Aristotle Onassis

Eschew obfuscation.

If you don’t learn to laugh at troubles, you won’t have anything to laugh at when you grow old.

I am amazed at radio DJ’s today. I am firmly convinced that AM on my radio stands for Absolute Moron. I will not begin to tell you what FM stands for.

Pick your friends but not to pieces.

Sex on television can’t hurt you unless you fall off.

Everyone hates me because I’m paranoid.

Being in the army is like being in the Boy Scouts, except that the Boy Scouts have adult supervision.

People with narrow minds usually have broad tongues.

Men occasionally stumble over the truth, but most of them pick themselves up and hurry off as if nothing had happened. – Winston Churchill

Experience is something you do not get until just after you need it.

Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying of nothing.

A poor excuse is like an old bucket; doesn’t matter what shape it is in, as long as it holds water.

Honk if you love peace and quiet.

If you can stay calm, while all around you is chaos... then you probably haven’t completely understood the situation.

Whenever people agree with me, I always feel I must be wrong.

Everybody has a photographic memory. Some don’t have film.

I hope that after I die, people will say of me: “That guy sure owed me a lot of money.”

“People who drink light beer don’t like the taste of beer; they just like to pee a lot” — Rodney Dangerfield

Anyone who told you to be yourself couldn’t have given you worse advice.

In a Rome laundry: Ladies, leave your clothes here and spend the afternoon having a good time.

All my life, I always wanted to be somebody. Now I see that I should have been more specific.

There’s a fine line between genius and insanity. I have erased this line.

One good thing about repeating your mistakes is that you know when to cringe.

Marriage changes passion... suddenly you’re in bed with a relative.

Alcohol: the cause of, and solution to, all of life’s problems.

To find out a girl’s faults, praise her to her girl friends.

If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?

I either want less corruption, or more chance to participate in it.

I have a simple philosophy. Fill what’s empty. Empty what’s full. Scratch where it itches.

He often broke into song because he couldn’t find the key.

I did a theatrical performance about puns. It was a play on words.

“I believe in equality for everyone, except reporters and photographers”. — Gandhi

Nobody can be exactly like me. Even I have trouble doing it.

I was the next door kid’s imaginary friend.

Chaos, panic, & disorder – my work here is done.

It is not what a teenager knows that bothers his parents. It is how he found out.

We are going on a field trip to the Coca-Cola factory. I hope there are no pop quizzes.

It is a fitting irony that under Richard Nixon, ‘launder’ became a dirty word.

A person who smiles in the face of adversity... probably has a scapegoat.

The number of people watching you is directly proportional to the stupidity of your action.

I was at a bar nursing a beer. My nipple was getting quite soggy.

Some people are alive only because it’s illegal to kill them.

Applying computer technology is simply finding the right wrench to pound in the correct screw.

The things that come to those that wait may be the things left by those who got there first.

“This report, by its very length, defends itself against the risk of being read”. — Winston Churchill

I installed a skylight in my apartment. The people who live above me are furious.

The chance of a piece of bread falling with the buttered side down is directly proportional to the cost of the carpet.

If trees could scream, would we be so cavalier about cutting them down? We might, if they screamed all the time, for no good reason.

Lord, if you won’t make me skinny, please make all my friends fat.

I wished the buck stopped here, as I could use a few.

“How can a president not be an actor?” – when asked “How could an actor become president?” – Ronald Reagan

I had amnesia once or twice.

This Would Be Really Funny If It Weren’t Happening To Me.

Solitude is fine, but you need someone to tell you that solitude is fine.

Seen it all, done it all, can’t remember most of it.

A soldier who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran.

I’ve been trying for some time to develop a life style that doesn’t require my presence.

I’m not afraid of heights, only widths.

The beatings will continue until morale improves.

Two signs from a Majorcan shop entrance: English well speaking / Here speeching American.

The surprising thing about young fools is how many survive to become old fools.

The human brain is a wonderful thing. It starts working the moment you are born, and never stops until you stand up to speak in public.

Everything is possible; just not too probable.

Man who drive like hell bound to get there.

Haunted French pancakes give me the crêpes.

A day without sun shine is like, you know, night.

Did you hear about the cross-eyed teacher who lost her job because she couldn’t control her pupils?

How do you know if a fish is Irish? It has drowned.

If you don’t know why I’m mad at you, then I’m certainly not going to tell you

Anyone can admit they were wrong; the true test is admitting it to someone else.

Hope sees the invisible, feels the intangible and achieves the impossible.

Constipated People Don’t Give A Crap.

“C++ : Where friends have access to your private members.” — Gavin Russell Baker.

There are 10 types of people in the world: Those who understand binary, and those who don’t.

When Chemists die, they barium.

The trouble with our times is that the future is not what it used to be.

“Hey, I’ve got reasons for what I’m doing,” REALLY MEANS, “I sure hope I think of some pretty soon.”

The secret of success is sincerity. Once you can fake that you’ve got it made.

Artificial Intelligence is no match for Natural Stupidity.

If I’d known I was going to live this long, I’d have taken better care of myself.

It is said that if you line up all the cars in the world end to end, someone would be stupid enough to try and pass them.

There are three ways to get something done: do it yourself, hire someone, or forbid your kids to do it.

Men have a much better time of it than women; for one thing, they marry later; for another thing they die earlier.

Make three correct guesses consecutively and you will establish yourself as an expert.

It is hard to understand how a cemetery raised its burial charges and blamed it on the cost of living.

An Apple a day keeps the doctor away. But... an onion a day keeps everyone away.

“My wife made me join a bridge club. I jump off next Tuesday” — Rodney Dangerfield

When he first ran for office, he appealed to the voters: “I never stole anything in my life. All I ask is a chance.”

Computers make it easy to do a lot of things, but most of the things that make it easier to do don’t need to be done.

Oh, don’t fuss. I just cut myself. It’s no big deal,” REALLY MEANS, “I have actually severed a limb, but will bleed to death before I admit I’m hurt.”

I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.

“I’ve been on a calendar but I have never been on time” – Marilyn Monroe

When I was a boy I was told that anybody could become president; I’m beginning to believe it.

I arise in the morning torn between a desire to improve the world and a desire to enjoy the world. This makes it hard to plan the day.

Snowmen fall from Heaven unassembled.

Always do sober what you said you’d do drunk. That will teach you to keep your mouth shut.

Cheerfulness is contagious, but don’t wait to catch it from others. Be a carrier.

What if there were no hypothetical questions?

Ever stop to think and forget to start again?

If we don’t succeed, we run the risk of failure.

Don’t take life too seriously—you’ll never get out of it alive.

“Your mouse has moved. Windows must be restarted for the change to take effect. Reboot now ? [OK]”

Legend: a lie that has attained the dignity of age.

They say you only use ten percent of your brain. What about the other ten?

Don’t Be Sexist – Broads Hate That.

It is not my interest to pay the principal, nor my principal to pay the interest.

Why do we wash bath towels, aren’t we clean when we use them?

You have the right to your opinions. I just don’t want to hear them.

Confidence is the feeling you have before you understand the situation

A team effort is a lot of people doing what I say

I have great faith in fools; my friends call it self-confidence.

If I were two-faced, would I be wearing this one?

Programmer – A red-eyed, mumbling mammal capable of conversing with inanimate objects.

Half our life is spent trying to find something to do with the time we have rushed through life trying to save.

If you do not make dust, you eat dust.

In a Tokyo shop: Our nylons cost more than common, but you’ll find they are best in the long run.

Even paranoids have real enemies.

The trouble with jogging is that, by the time you realise you’re not in shape for it, it’s far too far to walk back.

All those who believe in psycho kinesis raise my hand.

“I am not worried about the deficit. It is big enough to take care of itself.” – Ronald Reagan

Age is a question of mind over matter. If you don’t mind, it don’t matter.

He does the work of three men: Larry, Moe and Curly.

I get enough exercise just pushing my luck.

Ninety-nine per cent of the people in the world are fools and the rest of us are in great danger of contagion.

Why were the Indians here first? They had reservations.

Work: It isn’t just for sleeping anymore.

“The best thing about the future is that it comes only one day at a time.” – Abraham Lincoln

Promises are like babies: fun to make, but hell to deliver.

“This ‘telephone’ has too many shortcomings to be seriously considered as a means of communication.” — Western Union internal memo, 1876.

Is there life before death?

Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

Bigamy is having one wife too many. Monogamy is the same. – Oscar Wilde

I’m sorry; you cannot have an outlook on life because it isn’t responding. Microsoft apologises for any inconvenience.

I like to start my periods with sentences.

It is even harder for the average ape to believe that he has descended from man.

The short fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.

A cartoonist was found dead in his home. Details are sketchy.

Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7th of your life.

What happens if you get scared half to death twice?

Why does Sea World have a seafood restaurant? I’m halfway through my fish burger and I realize, Oh my gosh... I could be eating a slow learner.

Just because your head is the biggest doesn’t mean it contains the right ideas.

Perhaps you’re diagonally parked in a parallel universe?

I’m in no shape to exercise.

If you’re born again, do you have two bellybuttons?

As the light changed from red to green to yellow and back to red again, I sat there thinking about life. Was it nothing more than a bunch of honking and yelling? Sometimes it seemed that way.

Procrastinate Now!

INDECISION is the key to FLEXIBILITY.

It’s not that I’m afraid to die; I just don’t want to be there when it happens.

I don’t enjoy computer jokes; not one bit.

Where you stand depends on where you sit.

If you can’t be kind, at least have the decency to be vague.

It is a small world, but I wouldn’t like to have to paint it.

Just because you’re not paranoid doesn’t mean they’re not out to get you.

How Many Roads Must A Man Travel Down Before He Admits He Is Lost?

Don’t stop to stomp on ants when the elephants are stampeding.

I know a guy who is addicted to brake fluid. He says he can stop anytime.

Age is an issue of mind over matter. If you don’t mind, it doesn’t matter.

Life is far too important to be taken seriously.

If quizzes are quizzical, what are tests?

I am free of all prejudices. I hate everyone equally.

“Oh dear,” said God, “I hadn’t thought of that,” and promptly vanished in a puff of logic.

An army of deer led by a lion is more to be feared than an army of lions led by a deer.

Everyone needs belief in something. I believe I’ll have another beer.

Climbers aim for the summit because it is there. Bungi jumpers dive off the top because they aren’t all there.

In a Norwegian cocktail lounge: Ladies are requested not to have children in the bar.

Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don’t.

An egotist is a person of low taste—more interested in himself than in me.

Confidence is the feeling you have before you understand the situation.

Don’t talk unless you can improve the silence.

Democracy is the recurrent suspicion that more than half of the people are right more than half of the time.

Good judgement comes from experience. Experience comes from bad judgement.

Some people are going to leave a mark on this world, while others will leave a stain.

I started out with nothing, and I still have most of it.

When I was young, I could remember anything. Whether it happened or not.

What do you call a dinosaur with an extensive vocabulary? A thesaurus.

Two strings walk into a bar. The first string says to the bartender, “Bartender, I’ll have a beer. u.5n$x5t?*&4ru!2[sACCErJ”. The second string says, “Pardon my friend, he isn’t NULL terminated”.

The most precious thing we have is life. Yet it has absolutely no trade-in value.

Brilliant, but with the social skills of a thermonuclear device.

So Many Pedestrians – So Little Time.

Needing someone is like needing a parachute. If he isn’t there the first time you need him, chances are you won’t be needing him again.

Anywhere is walking distance, if you’ve got the time.

If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?

I tried to photograph the fog, but I mist.

Acupuncture is a jab well done.

Friends may come and go, but enemies accumulate

I couldn’t repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.

There are two types of people in this world, good and bad. The good sleep better, but the bad seem to enjoy the waking hours much more.

Man who run behind car get exhausted.

Brain: an apparatus with which we think we think.

I stayed up all night to see where the sun went. Then it dawned on me.

I don’t meet competition. I crush it

It is wiser to find out than to suppose.—Mark Twain

A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a train stops. On my desk I have a workstation...

When you get a bladder infection, urine trouble.

If life was fair, Elvis would be alive and all the impersonators would be dead.

Age always corresponds inversely to the size of your multivitamin.

If you want your spouse to listen and pay strict attention to every word you say, talk in your sleep.

In democracy it’s your vote that counts. In feudalism it’s your count that votes.

I take everything I can for my kleptomania.

There are 3 kinds of people: those who can count and those who can’t.

Living is not worth dying for.

Never underestimate the power of very stupid people in large groups.

The day I can’t do my job drunk is the day I turn in my badge and gun.

It doesn’t matter what temperature the room is; it’s always room temperature.

Streakers beware: Your end is in sight.

Cleverly Disguised As A Responsible Adult.

I stayed up all night to see where the sun went. Then it dawned on me.

If olive oil comes from olives, where does baby oil come from?

A dog that attends a flea circus most likely will steal the whole show.

If it weren’t for electricity we’d all be watching television by candlelight?

I changed my iPod’s name to Titanic. It’s syncing now.

If puns were outlawed, only outlaws would have puns.

In the office of a Roman doctor: Specialist in women and other diseases.

“The generation of random numbers is too important to be left to chance.” — Robert R. Coveyou, Oak Ridge National Laboratory.

“Inconceivable!” “I do not think that word means what you think it means.”

Remember half the people you know are below average.

“I have never let my schooling interfere with my education.”—Mark Twain

“As a matter of fact” is an expression that precedes many an expression that isn’t.

A conclusion is simply the place where you got tired of thinking.

Impotence: Nature’s Way Of Saying “No Hard Feelings”.

Does this smell like chloroform to you?

I fear my inferiority complex is not as good as yours.

Horn broken. Watch for finger. (on bumper sticker)

Isn’t having a smoking section in a restaurant like having a peeing section in a swimming pool?

He who trains his tongue to quote the learned sages, will be known far and wide as a smart ass.

I’m not into working out. My philosophy: No pain, no pain.

If the world should blow itself up, the last audible voice would be that of an expert saying it can’t be done.

Comedy is tragedy plus time.

Progress was all right. Only it went on too long.

Ours is a world where people don’t know what they want and are willing to go through hell to get it.

Broken pencils are pointless.

Warning: Dates in Calendar are closer than they appear.

Shin: a device for finding furniture in the dark.

Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way when you criticize them, you are a mile away from them and you have their shoes.

Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?

I have gone to look for myself, if I should return before I get back, keep me here.

Anything’s possible... apart from skiing through a revolving door.

I always wanted to be a procrastinator, never got around to it though.

“There is no reason anyone would want a computer in their home.” — Ken Olson, founder of Digital Equipment Corp., 1977.

Five out of four people have trouble with fractions.

When in trouble, fear or doubt, run in circles, scream and shout.

They told me I had type A blood, but it was a Type O

If con is the opposite of pro, congress is the opposite of progress.

Gossip: The art of saying nothing while leaving nothing unsaid.

“I wish everyone was peaceful. Then I could take over the planet with a butter knife”—Dogbert

Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.

Proofread carefully to see if you any words out.

Marriage is not a word; it is a sentence.

Everything you like is bad for you in some way.

The dictionary is the only place where success comes before work.

My life has a superb cast but I can’t figure out the plot.

A study in the Washington Post says that women have better verbal skills than men. I just want to say to the authors of that study: “Duh.”— Conan O’Brien

What’s the definition of a will? (It’s a dead giveaway).

Well, if I called the wrong number, why did you answer the phone?

I have kleptomania, but when it gets bad, I take something for it. ~ Robert Benchle

Men don’t care what’s on TV. They only care what else is on TV.

Sometimes I wake up grumpy; other times I let her sleep

If ever I get married again it would have to be under an anaesthetic.

I’m desperately trying to figure out why kamikaze pilots wore helmets.

Fundamentalism: Believe in a kind, loving God or we’ll kill you!

One should forgive one’s enemies, but not before they are hanged.

When you do not know what you are doing, do it neatly.

If we learn by our mistakes, some of us are getting one hell of an education!

Everybody is ignorant, only on different subjects.

Don’t look back. Something may be gaining on you.

Killed - Personality Incompatibility

If it’s 0 degrees today and it’s going to be twice as cold tomorrow... how cold will it be?

The second day of a diet is alway easier than the first. By the second day, you’re off it.

Seeing a murder on television...will help work off one’s antagonisms. And if you haven’t any antagonisms, the commercials will give you some.

No sense being pessimistic, it probably wouldn’t work anyway.

Prediction is extremely difficult. Especially about the future.

Arguing on the Internet is like competing in the Special Olympics – even if you win, you are still retarded.

If you’re not confused, you’re not paying attention.

“You start coding. I’ll go find out what they want.” — Computer analyst to programmer

I love work; it fascinates me; I can sit and watch it for hours.

Marathon runners with bad footwear suffer the agony of defeat.

An egotist has one point in his favour – he doesn’t go round talking about other people.

Next time you wave, use all your fingers.

How do you spot an Irishman at a carwash? He’s the one on the bike.

It is hard enough to remember my opinions, without also remembering my reasons for them!

Quantum mechanics: The dreams stuff is made of.

If people concentrated on the really important things in life, there’d be a shortage of fishing poles.

A bird in the hand is safer than one overhead.

Outside of a dog, a book is probably man’s best friend, and inside of a dog, it’s too dark to read.

Years ago fairy tales began with “Once upon a time...” Now it’s “If I am elected...”

Is Disney World the only people trap operated by a mouse?

A hangover is the wrath of grapes.

I’m an idealist: I don’t know where I’m going, but I’m on my way.

“Heavier-than-air flying machines are impossible.” — Lord Kelvin, president, Royal Society, 1895.

“How come we choose from just two people to run for president and 50 for Miss America?”

In the beginning, there was nothing. Then God said, “Let there be light,” and there was still nothing, but you could see it.

Man does not live by words alone, despite the fact that sometimes he has to eat them.

This guy walks into a bar and the barman says “Ouch, that must have hurt”

The art of flying is to throw yourself at the ground and miss.

All the toilets in New York’s police stations have been stolen. The police have nothing to go on.

God must love stupid people, he made so many.

Whenever I feel like exercise, I lie down until the feeling passes.

I heard a man say that brigands demand your money or your life, whereas women require both.

What Has Four Legs And An Arm? A Happy Pit Bull.

If you don’t know where you are going, you might wind up someplace else.

The man who fell into an upholstery machine is fully recovered.

Vote for the man who promises least; he’ll be the least disappointing.

My girlfriend told me I should be more affectionate. So I got two more girlfriends.

In the beginning, God created earth and rested. Then God created man and rested. Then God created woman. Since then, neither God nor man has rested.

It’s just a job. Grass grows, birds fly, waves pound the sand. I just beat people up. – Muhammad Ali

Latest survey shows that 3 out of 4 people make up 75% of the world’s population.

Every time I look at you I get a fierce desire to be lonesome.

Hard work never killed anybody but why take the chance?

Help Wanted: Telepath. You know where to apply.

I am a nobody, nobody is perfect, therefore I’m perfect.

“I would like to live in Manchester, England. The transition between Manchester and death would be unnoticeable”. — Mark Twain

The amount of work to be done increases in proportion to the amount of work already completed. — VAIL’S SECOND AXIOM

To B or not to B? *kills the B* I HATE BEES!!!! – LynxofCP

You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say will be misquoted then used against you.

Time’s fun when you’re having flies... Kermit the Frog

Early to rise, early to bed, makes a man healthy but socially dead.

We must believe in free will, we have no choice.

I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol.

Best way to get a man to do something, is to suggest they are too old for it.

When you are arguing with an idiot, make sure the other person isn’t doing the same thing.

You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They left a little note on the windscreen, it said ‘Parking Fine.’

IRS: We’ve got what it takes to take what you’ve got.

I had some words with my wife, and she had some paragraphs with me.

It’s strange, isn’t it. You stand in the middle of a library and go aaaaagghhhh’ and everyone just stares at you. But you do the same thing on an aeroplane, and everyone joins in.

Never put off until tomorrow what you can avoid altogether.

People who think they know everything are annoying to those of us who do.

Love is like an hourglass, with the heart filling up as the brain empties.

A drop of ink may make a million think.

An Irish man was driving to the airport when he saw a sign saying ‘Airport – Left’... So he went home.

If Bill Gates had a nickel for every time Windows crashed... oh wait, he does.

If at first you don’t succeed, try, try again. Then quit. There’s no use being a damned fool about it.

Eagles may soar, but weasels don’t get sucked into jet engines.

Men are from earth. Women are from earth. Deal with it.

What does a clock do when it’s hungry? It goes back four seconds.

Go the extra mile. It makes your boss look like an incompetent slacker.

It’s not true that married men live longer than single men. It only seems longer.

Sheep don’t fly so much as plummet.

Caution – Driver Legally Blonde!

Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.

If At First You Don’t Succeed... Blame Someone Else And Seek Counseling.

Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian any more than going to the garage makes you a car.

Stupidity is not a handicap! Park somewhere else!

The only difference between Genius and Insanity... is success.

Madness takes its toll. Please have exact change.

A great many people think they are thinking when they are merely rearranging their prejudices.

A conscience does not prevent sin. It only prevents you from enjoying it.

If you choke a smurf, what colour does it turn?

I didn’t like my beard at first. Then it grew on me.

How do you sink an Irish Submarine? Knock on the hatch.

Plagiarism saves time.

I don’t approve of political jokes... I’ve seen too many of them get elected.

By the time a man realises that his father was right, he has a son who thinks he’s wrong.

Where do you find an Irish woodworm? Dead inside a brick.

I wondered why the baseball was getting bigger. Then it hit me.

If all you have is a hammer, everything looks like a nail.

Be nice to your kids. They’ll choose your nursing home.

Advertisement for donkey rides in Thailand: Would you like to ride on your own ass?

If we aren’t supposed to eat animals, why are they made of meat?

I majored in liberal arts. Will that be for here or to go?

“If carrots are so good for the eyes, how come I see so many dead rabbits on the highway?”

Bachelors know more about women than married men; if they didn’t they’d be married too.

My schoolmates would make love to anything that moved, but I never saw any reason to limit myself.

Laugh at your problems; everybody else does.

If a job is worth doing well get someone else to do it.

Always try to be modest and be proud of it!

Being a philosopher, I have a problem for every solution.

I married Miss Right. I just didn’t know her first name was Always.

I used to be a banker, but then I lost interest.

Not all men are annoying. Some are dead.

“I worked in a pet shop and people kept asking how big I’d get” — Rodney Dangerfield

Why is it that to stop Windows, you have to click on “Start”?

I don’t suffer from stress. I’m a carrier.

Life is complex: it has real and imaginary parts.

One of the greatest labour-saving inventions today is tomorrow.

I have noticed that the people who are late are often so much jollier that the people who have to wait for them.

If everything is coming your way, you are probably in the wrong lane.

“I think there is a world market for maybe five computers.” — Thomas Watson, chairman of IBM, 1943.

If it weren’t for the last minute, nothing would ever get done.

That which cannot be taken apart will fall apart.

The truth is a precious commodity. That’s why I use it so sparingly.

“The web is a dominatrix. Every where I turn, I see little buttons ordering me to Submit.” — Nytwind.

We have two ends. One for sitting and one for thinking. Our success depends on which one we use most.

If at first you don’t succeed, destroy all the evidence that you tried.

How can you come out of a closet if you never went in there in the first place?

I used to think I was indecisive, but now I’m not sure.

I Refuse To Have A Battle Of Wits With An Unarmed Person.

This comment is printed on 100% recycled electrons.

“There are only two things that are infinite: the universe and human stupidity. And I’m not sure about the universe.” A. Einstein

There are two kinds of people, those who finish what they start, and so on.

The illegal we do immediately. The unconstitutional takes a little longer. – Henry Kissinger

How do I set a laser printer to stun?

Of course, we are all worms—but I like to think, at least, that I am a glow-worm. – Winston Churchill

Birthdays are good for you. Statistics show that the people who have the most live the longest.

He’s so lazy. I’ve seen him step into a revolving door and wait.

Energizer Bunny arrested: Charged with battery.

All men are equal. Some are just more equal than others.

Succeed in spite of management. Aim Low; Reach Your Goals, Avoid Disappointment.

The trouble with the rat race is that even if you win, you’re still a rat.

For people who like peace and quiet – a phoneless cord.

“If builders built buildings the way programmers write programs, then the first woodpecker that came along would destroy civilization” — Weinberg’s Second Law.

Half of the people in the world are below average.

Well if this is the wrong number, why did you answer it?

As a final incentive before giving up a difficult task, try to imagine it successfully accomplished by someone you violently dislike.

If you don’t know where you are going, you will wind up somewhere else.

Everybody is somebody else’s weirdo.

Someone sent me a postcard picture of the earth. On the back it said, “Wish you were here.”

On the keyboard of life, always keep one finger on the escape key.

When you come to a fork in the road, take it.

Modesty is a virtue of fools.

Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?

I used up all my sick days, so I’m calling in dead.

Better to remain silent and be thought a fool, than to speak and remove all doubt.

Don’t be irreplaceable; if you cannot be replaced, you cannot be promoted.

Whenever there is any doubt, there is no doubt.

Character is what you are in the dark.

“You, you and you: panic. The rest of you, come with me.”

According to recent study someone is run over by a car every 5 minutes in the city. You’d think the guy would have enough sense to get out of the street.

If sex is such a natural phenomenon, how come there are so many books on how to do it.

A committee is a body that keeps minutes and wastes hours.

What do you call a dinosaur with an extensive vocabulary? A thesaurus.

Laugh and the world laughs with you; snore and you sleep alone.

A synonym is a word you use when you can’t spell the word you first thought of.

I hate women because they always know where things are.

If at first you do succeed, try to hide your astonishment.

Accept that some days you’re the pigeon, and some days you’re the statue.

Man who eat many prunes get good run for money.

I got a job at a bakery because I kneaded dough.

Never buy a car you can’t push.

I am obviously right, and as you disagree with me, then logically you must be wrong.

You can’t have everything. Where would you put it?

Be thankful for problems. If they were less difficult, someone with less ability might have your job.

My husband and I divorced over religious differences... He thought he was God and I didn’t.

Democracy is a process by which people are free to choose the man who will get the blame.

“Everyday I beat my own previous record for number of consecutive days I’ve stayed alive.”

Success always occurs in private, and failure in full public view.

A backwards poet writes inverse.

Sometimes I think the surest sign that intelligent life exists elsewhere in the universe is that none of it has tried to contact us.

Being single is like a vacuum. It sucks when you are turned on.

Be careful when reading health books; you may die of a misprint.

If you can’t convince them, confuse them.

Before marriage, a man yearns for the woman he loves. After marriage, the ‘Y’ becomes silent.

Honesty is the best policy, but insanity is a better defence.

Optimists believe we live on the greatest world. Pessimists believe this is true.

A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat.

The fellow who thinks he knows it all is especially annoying to those of us who do.

Raising teenagers is like trying to nail Jell-O to a tree.

If someone with multiple personalities threatens suicide... is it considered a hostage situation?

Having more money doesn’t make you happier. I have 50 million dollars but I’m just as happy as when I had 48 million. ~ Arnold Schwarzenegger.

Money can’t buy happiness, but it sure makes misery easier to live with.

“When in doubt tell the truth.”—Mark Twain

You’re not drunk if you can lie on the floor without holding on.

Bacteria: the only culture some people have.

Blessed are those who can laugh at themselves, they will never cease to be amused.

Life... I don’t get it...

When I’m not in my right mind, my left mind gets pretty crowded

I don’t have a solution but I admire the problem.

Eat a live toad first thing in the morning, and nothing worse can happen to you the rest of the day.

As long as there are tests, there will be prayer in public schools.

Hypochondria is the only disease I haven’t got.

When life hands you a lemon, make lemonade.

Slow is when someone laps you in the hundred-yard dash

I spilled spot remover on my dog. Now he’s gone.

“I have left orders to be awakened at any time in case of national emergency – even if I’m in a Cabinet meeting.” – Ronald Reagan

How did Moses make his tea? Hebrews it.

My mind not only wanders, sometimes it leaves completely.

Statistics are like bikinis – What they reveal is suggestive, but what they conceal is vital.

If a man opens a car door for a woman, either the car is new or the woman.

A dyslexic man walks into a bra.

Age is a very high price to pay for maturity.

My parents stayed together for forty years, but that was out of spite.

Humour. It is a difficult concept. It is not logical.

He who laughs last thinks slowest.

It used to be only death and taxes were inevitable. Now, of course, there’s shipping and handling, too.

There is no such thing as an underestimate of average intelligence

Restarting System - Mouse Moved

I love being married. It’s so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.

People don’t grow up; they just learn how to act in public.

Foolproof systems don’t take into account the ingenuity of fools.

They say if you play a Microsoft CD backwards you hear satanic messages. That’s nothing, if you play it forwards it installs Windows.

Just remember... if the world didn’t suck, we’d all fall off.

In a Budapest zoo: Please do not feed the animals. If you have any suitable food, give it to the guard on duty.

Some people are alive only because it’s illegal to kill them.

“I could tell that my parents hated me. My bath toys were a toaster and a radio” — Rodney Dangerfield

I want to die peacefully in my sleep like my grandfather, not screaming in abject horror like his passengers.

Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?

System Error - Windows Loaded

I don’t suffer from stress. I’m a carrier.

Get even – live long enough to be a problem to your kids.

Tip the world over on its side and everything loose will land in Los Angeles.

“I’ve noticed that everyone who is for abortion has already been born.” – Ronald Reagan

Show me a piano falling down a mineshaft and I’ll show you A-flat minor.

It has recently been discovered that research causes cancer in rats.

Sheep don’t fly so much as plummet.

Blessed are the young, for they shall inherit the national debt.

Chipped dishes never break.

Well, this day was a total waste of makeup.

Save the whales. Collect the whole set.

The sooner you fall behind the more time you’ll have to catch up.

If you’re not wasted, the day is.

“I’d rather have a bottle in front of me, than a frontal lobotomy”. — Tom Waits

I generally avoid temptation unless I can’t resist it.

We spend the first twelve months of our children’s lives teaching them to walk and talk and the next twelve telling them to sit down and shut up.

Once, during prohibition, I was forced to live for days on nothing but food and water.

I’ve always wanted to be normal, but lately I’ve come to suspect that this is it.

What sane person could live in this world and not be crazy?

You can say any foolish thing to a dog, and the dog will give you a look that says, “My God, you’re right! I never would’ve thought of that!”

Does your train of thought have a caboose?

Remember... Marriage is the number one cause of divorce. Statistically, 100% of all divorces started with marriage.

Plan to be spontaneous tomorrow.

I think that’s how Chicago got started. A bunch of people in New York said, “Gee, I’m enjoying the crime and the poverty, but it just isn’t cold enough. Let’s go west.”—Richard Jeni

Remember, half the people you know are below average.

I’d like to see things your way, but I’m looking in another direction.

There is nothing so annoying as to have two people go right on talking when you’re interrupting.

If automobiles had followed the same development cycle as the computer, a Rolls Royce would today cost $100, get a million miles per gallon, and explode once a year, killing everyone inside.

Red Tape Holds Up New Bridge!

There are two kinds of people, those who finish what they start, and so on.

Consciousness: that annoying time between naps.

If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?

Conscience is the inner voice warning us that someone may be looking.

The trouble with life is there’s no background music.

Hang in there; retirement is only thirty years away.

Don’t marry for money. You can borrow it cheaper.

“My computer NEVER loc

Booze is the answer. I don’t remember the question.

A bird does not sing because it has an answer—it sings because it has a song.

Mental Floss prevents Moral Decay.

Jokes about German sausage are the wurst.

“You can always count on Americans to do the right thing—after they’ve tried everything else” – Winston Churchill

We Quit Voting Will They All Go Away?

This mind intentionally left blank

The shortest distance between two points is under construction.

Eagles may soar, but weasels don’t get sucked into jet engines.

The only perfect science is hindsight.

Errors have been made. Others will be blamed.

Somewhere on this globe, every ten seconds, is a woman giving birth to a child. She must be found and stopped.

Wine divulges truth.

Plato is dead, Einstein is dead, and I’m not feeling too good myself...

There’s a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot.

I live in my own little world, but it’s ok they know me here.

I envy people who drink – at least they know what to blame everything on.

Time sneaks up on you like a windshield on a bug.

Cole’s Law: Thinly sliced cabbage.

System Error - Windows Loaded

Anger is only one letter away from danger.

Some pain is physical, and some is mental, but one that’s both is dental.

Velcro — what a rip off!

Macho Law prohibits me from admitting I’m wrong.

You’re such an inspiration for the way I’ll never choose to be.

Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.

“You have to be careful about being too careful” – Beryl Pfizer

Marriage is a three-ring circus: engagement ring, wedding ring, and suffering.

People can be divided into three groups: Those who make things happen, those who watch things happen, and those who wonder what happened.

I think animal testing is a terrible idea; they get all nervous and give the wrong answers.

If I have to work for an idiot, I might as well work for myself.

Smith & Wesson — the original point and click interface.

There are only three kinds of people; people who can count and people who can’t.

I always wanted to be somebody, but I should have been more specific.

The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.

At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be “What is hell?” Come early and listen to our choir practice.

Man shoots neighbour with machete [The Miami Herald, July 3]

I majored in liberal arts. Will that be for here or to go?

“A patriot must always be ready to defend his country against his government”. — Edward Abbey

Before you give a colleague a piece of your mind, be sure you can spare it.

111,111,111 x 111,111,111 = 12,345,678,987,654,321

Cab drivers are living proof that practice does not make perfect.

Remember the teakettle; though up to its neck in hot water, it continues to sing.

The difference between a stepping-stone and a stumbling block can be when you see it.

Democracy is a government where you can say what you think even if you don’t think.

Illiterate? Write For Help.

“Things are more like they are now than they ever were before.” – Former U.S. President Dwight D. Eisenhower

Under capitalism, man exploits man. Under Communism, it’s just the opposite.

Every morning is the dawn of a new error.

Keyboard not detected. Press F1 to continue

When a clock is hungry, it goes back four seconds.

The earthquake in Washington obviously was the government’s fault.

I’m reading a book about anti-gravity. I can’t put it down.

History will be kind to me for I intend to write it. – Winston Churchill

If a woman has to choose between catching a fly ball and saving an infant’s life, she will choose to save the infant’s life without even considering if there is a man on base.—Dave Barry

If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?

You have to stay in shape. My grandmother, she started walking five miles a day when she was 60. She’s 97 today and we don’t know where the hell she is.

Youth would be an ideal state if it came a little later in life.

A penny saved is a Congressional spending oversight.

A pessimist is a man who has been compelled to live with an optimist

Laughing stock: cattle with a sense of humour.

I took a speed reading course and read ‘War and Peace’ in twenty minutes. It involves Russia. Enough women for four.

If you want a committed man, look in a mental hospital.

I don’t necessarily agree with everything I say.

Take my advice, I don’t use it anyway.

Money is better than poverty, if only for financial reasons.

The sooner you fall behind the more time you’ll have to catch up.

I’d give my right arm to be ambidextrous.

Technology is a way of organizing the universe so that man doesn’t have to experience it.

If I were someone who knew something, who could I tell that would believe me?

Why is the man that invests your money called a broker?

Mines are equal opportunity weapons.

The dumber people think you are, the more surprised they’re going to be when you kill them—Rodney Dangerfield

“He has been given a large brain by mistake, since for him the spinal cord would fully suffice.” — Albert Einstein

On the other hand you have different fingers.

I thought I made a mistake once, but I was wrong.

Love is blind, but marriage is a real eye-opener.

The scientific theory I like best is that the rings of Saturn are composed entirely of lost airline luggage.

Originality is the fine art of remembering what you hear, but forgetting where you heard it.

No problem is so big and complicated that it can’t be ran away from.

“Every mighty oak was once just a nut who stood his ground.”

The more time you spend in reporting on what you are doing, the less time you have to do it in. Stability is achieved when you spend all your time doing nothing but reporting on the nothing you are doing.

I intend to live forever – so far, so good.

I took an IQ test and the results were negative.

Youth is a wonderful thing. What a crime to waste it on children.

The early bird gets the worm, but the early worm gets eaten.

I like children. Properly cooked.

I love deadlines. I especially like the whooshing sound they make as they go flying by.

“There are two major products that come out of Berkeley: LSD and UNIX. We don’t believe this to be a coincidence.” — Jeremy S. Anderson

Murphy’s Golden Rule: Whoever has the gold makes the rules.

If it’s true that we are here to help others, then what exactly are the others here for?

I plead contemporary insanity.

Women like silent men. They think they’re listening.

Never argue with an idiot. They drag you down to their level then beat you with experience.

Genius is 1% inspiration, and 99% perspiration.

Experience is simply the name we give our mistakes.

My reality check just bounced.

Bacteria: the only culture some people have.

Work expands to fill the time available. — PARKINSON’S LAW

Roses are red, Violets are blue. In Soviet Russia, Poems write you.

What hair color do they put on the driver’s licenses of bald men?

In elementary school, in case of fire, you have to line up quietly in a single file line from smallest to tallest. What is the logic? Do tall people burn slower?

Someday we’ll look back on all this and plow into the back of a parked car.

For Sale: Parachute. Only used once, never opened, small stain.

A procrastinator’s work is never done.

Heck is where people go who don’t believe in gosh.

A bachelor is a man who comes to work from a different direction each morning.

It’s important to be open-minded, but not SO open-minded that your brains fall out.

Never put both feet in your mouth at the same time, because then you don’t have a leg to stand on.

A bargain is something you don’t need at a price you can’t resist.

I’m not dumb; I just have a command of thoroughly useless information.

Anything that can become tangled around something else, will.

Tell me what you need, and I’ll tell you how to get along without it.

Pardon my driving, I am reloading.

I like kids, but I don’t think I could eat a whole one.

Why is it that doctors call what they do “practice”?

The world is full of willing people; some willing to work, the rest willing to let them.

Half of being smart is knowing what you are dumb at.

Leftists are among the first to speak of their rights.

PMS jokes aren’t funny. Period.

One day I will get this peer guy and reset his connection.

e=mc^2 where m = the number of cooks required to spoil the broth

When all other means of communication fail, try words.

Partying... oops No Only Parting... sorry

Quantum: Noun, word used to sound like I know what I’m talking about while discussing physics I’ve never actually studied.

Without question, the greatest invention in the history of mankind is beer. Oh, I grant you that the wheel was also a fine invention, but the wheel does not go nearly as well with pizza.

Connection Reset By Aboriginal With Wire Cutters

Politicians are people who, when they see the light at the end of the tunnel, go out and buy more tunnel.

When in doubt, mumble.

Jokes about German sausage are the wurst.

We waste time, so you don’t have to.

Honest criticism is hard to take, particularly from a relative, a friend, an acquaintance, or a stranger.

To succeed in politics, it is often necessary to rise above your principles.

It’s not hard to meet expenses, they’re everywhere.

Why don’t you ever see the headline “Psychic Wins Lottery”?

Lead us not into temptation. Just tell us where it is; we’ll find it.

I’d explain it to you, but your brain would explode.

I tried sniffing Coke once, but the ice cubes got stuck in my nose.

How do you keep an Irishman busy? Write P.T.O on both sides of a piece of paper.

Hemp is a herb. Bush is a dope.

You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.

Those who can laugh without cause have either found the true meaning of happiness or have gone stark raving mad.

“A girl phoned me the other day and said... Come on over, there’s nobody home. I went over. Nobody was home” — Rodney Dangerfield

You can always spot a well-informed man – his views are the same as yours.

“On two occasions I have been asked [by members of Parliament!]: ‘Pray, Mr. Babbage, if you put into the machine wrong figures, will the right answers come out ?’ I am not able rightly to apprehend the kind of confusion of ideas that could provoke such a question.” — Charles Babbage.

Men’s faults are many, women have only two. Everything they say, and everything they do.

Maybe I’m lucky to be going so slowly, because I may be going in the wrong direction.

I love cats – they taste just like chicken.

A printer consists of three main parts: the case, the jammed paper tray and the blinking red light

Instead of getting married again, I’m going to find a woman I don’t like and just give her a house.—Rod Stewart

Moderation in all things, including moderation.

What’s another word for Thesaurus?

Nothing means nothing, but it isn’t really nothing because nothing is something that isn’t.

Everybody lies, but it doesn’t matter since nobody listens.

Anything not nailed down is mine. Anything I can pry loose is not nailed down.

I am not a vegetarian because I love animals; I am a vegetarian because I hate plants.

I have the body of a GOD – Buddha.

I think, therefore I am single.

If you don’t pay your exorcist you get repossessed.

Smoking cures weight problems...eventually...

Get a new car for your spouse – it’ll be a great trade!

It’s hard to face the problem, when the problem is your face.

Any ship can be a minesweeper... once.

Connection Reset - Insufficient Electrons

If the French were really intelligent, they’d speak English.

Early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.

If a President doesn’t do it to his wife, he’ll do it to his country.

“Reader, suppose you were an idiot. And suppose you were a member of Congress. But I repeat myself”. — Mark Twain

Am I getting smart with you? How would you know?

He who smiles in a crisis has found someone to blame.

Time is God’s way of keeping everything from happening at once.

TEAMWORK... means never having to take all the blame yourself.

At the age of six I wanted to be a cook. At seven I wanted to be Napoleon. And my ambition has been growing steadily ever since.

We’ve made great medical progress in the last generation. What used to be merely an itch is now an allergy.

I spent most of my money on booze, drugs and women... The rest I wasted!

A diplomatic husband said to his wife, how do you expect me to remember your birthday when you never look any older?

Authority makes some people grow – and others just swell.

Santa’s helpers are subordinate clauses.

Military intelligence is a contradiction in terms.

My mind works like lightning. One brilliant flash and it is gone.

If you can’t beat your computer at chess, try kickboxing.

Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy.

Time is a great teacher, but unfortunately it kills all its pupils.

When your IQ reaches 80 –– sell.

I used to find him boring until I stopped listening.

In a Copenhagen airline ticket office: We take your bags and send them in all directions.

“Einstein argued that there must be simplified explanations of nature, because God is not capricious or arbitrary. No such faith comforts the software engineer.” — Fred Brooks.

Never go to a doctor whose office plants have died.

Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

I don’t have an attitude problem. You have a perception problem.

If you can’t dazzle them with brilliance... just baffle them with bullsh*t.

The most powerful force in the universe is gossip.

If at first you don’t succeed, skydiving is not your sport.

AIBOHPHOBIA – the fear of palindromes.

“When you starve with a tiger, the tiger starves last”. — Griffin’s Thought

Only a fool is astonished by the foolishness of humankind.

Most vegetarians look so much like the food they eat that they can be classified as cannibals.

I work hard because millions on welfare depend on me.

From the moment I picked your book up until I laid it down I was convulsed with laughter. Some day I intend reading it.

“Always in motion the future is. Seasick it makes me. That’s why so green I am”. – Yoda

The light at the end of the tunnel has been turned off due to budget cuts.

I haven’t spoken to my wife for 18 months: I don’t like to interrupt her.

When angry count four, when very angry, swear.

How do you get an Irishman to burn his ear? Ring him up while he is ironing.

I don’t like people who take drugs... Customs Officers for example.

“Always be sincere, even when you don’t mean it”. — Irene Peter

Borrow money from pessimists- they don’t expect to get it back.

After all is said and done, more is said than done.

One good turn gets most of the blankets.

Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.

One martini is all right, two is too many, and three is not enough.

I don’t believe in astrology. I am a Sagittarius and we’re very skeptical. ~ Arthur C. Clarke

“Managing senior programmers is like herding cats” — Dave Platt.

I thought I wanted a career, turns out I just wanted paychecks.

Cheer up, the worst is yet to come.

The best computer is a man, and it’s the only one that can be mass-produced by unskilled labour.

It’s bad luck to be superstitious.

Anything not nailed down is a cat toy.

“Then he ran into my knife. He ran into my knife ten times.” – Chicago

On a tombstone: I TOLD YOU I WAS SICK

In this world, nothing is certain but death and taxes. – Benjamin Franklin

If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?

If vegetable oil comes from vegetables, where does baby oil come from?

I wonder how much deeper would the ocean be without sponges.

Englishmen never will be slaves: they are free to do whatever the Government and public opinion allow them to do.

England has no kidney bank, but it does have a Liverpool.

This girl said she recognized me from the vegetarian club, but I’d never met herbivore

I dropped out of communism class because of lousy Marx.

A clean tie attracts the soup of the day.

Knowledge is the key, but where is the damn lock?

He’s not dead, he’s electroencephalographically challenged.

On the plus side, death is one of the few things that can be done just as easily as lying down.

Don’t use a big word where a diminutive one will suffice.

Lots of people know a good thing the minute the other fellow sees it first.

“Auntie Em: hate you, hate Kansas, taking the dog.” – Dorothy

There are very few personal problems that cannot be solved through a suitable application of high explosives.

Shin: a device for finding furniture in the dark.

If you can’t convince them, confuse them.

Who is General Failure and why is he reading my hard disk?

99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.

Jack and Jill did it for the insurance.

“Thinking is the hardest work there is, which is probably why so few engage in it”. — Henry Ford

If money talks, it ain’t on speakin’ terms with me.

If the human brain were so simple that we could understand it, we would be so simple we couldn’t.

To define recursion, we must first define recursion.

Doctor, Doctor I keep getting pains in the eye when I drink coffee. Have you tried taking the spoon out?

If you try and don’t succeed, cheat. Repeat until caught. Then lie.

I’m an apathetic sociopath – I’d kill you if I cared.

“#define QUESTION ((bb) || !(bb))” — Shakespeare

My husband says I never listen to him (at least I think that’s what he said)

Stupidity is not a handicap. Park elsewhere!

Why is the third hand on the watch called a second hand?

A baby sitter is a teenager acting like an adult while the adults are out acting like teenagers.

“Are you going to come quietly, or do I have to use earplugs?”—Vale Spike Milligan

My favorite mythical creature? The honest politician.

Any task worth doing was worth doing yesterday.

I Haven’t Lost My Mind, It’s Backed Up On Disk Somewhere.

“Life is a waste of time, time is a waste of life, so get wasted all of the time and have the time of your life”. — Tom Waits

My one regret in life is that I am not someone else.

I guess traffic in the city is improving a little. Yesterday, I drove clear across town and only had to shave twice.

I can resist everything except temptation.

The only reason some people get lost in thought is because it’s unfamiliar territory.

Compromise: the art of dividing a cake so that everybody believes he or she got the biggest piece.

Make sure your mind isn’t so open that your brains fall out.

The doctor can bury his mistakes but an architect can only advise his client to plant vines.

Even crime wouldn’t pay if the government ran it.

To err is human – and to blame it on a computer is even more so.

“Banking establishments are more dangerous than standing armies”. — Thomas Jefferson

I have had more trouble with myself than with any other man I’ve met.

If you think nobody cares if you’re alive, try missing a couple of car payments.

Abel Tasman on discovering Tasmania, “Too far south for spices and too close to the rim of the earth to be inhabited by anything but freaks and monsters”

I used to be apathetic, but now I don’t give a damn.

Allow me to introduce my selves.

Some people say that I must be a horrible person, but that’s not true. I have the heart of a young boy – in a jar on my desk.

Mind like a steel trap – rusty and illegal in most states.

Man who run in front of car get tired.

Everybody is ignorant, only on different subjects.

There’s a difference between being open-minded and having a hole in your head

I used to think I was indecisive, but now I’m not sure.

Last night I lay in bed looking up at the stars in the sky and I thought to myself, “Where the heck is the ceiling?”

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