Amusing Quotes & One-Liners

If you can stay calm, while all around you is chaos... then you probably haven’t completely understood the situation.

Acupuncture is a jab well done.

TEAMWORK... means never having to take all the blame yourself.

A pessimist is a man who has been compelled to live with an optimist

The man who fell into an upholstery machine is fully recovered.

I installed a skylight in my apartment. The people who live above me are furious.

I’ve always wanted to be normal, but lately I’ve come to suspect that this is it.

When a clock is hungry, it goes back four seconds.

To succeed in politics, it is often necessary to rise above your principles.

I’ve been trying for some time to develop a life style that doesn’t require my presence.

Support bacteria – they’re the only culture some people have.

There are two kinds of people, those who finish what they start, and so on.

I think, therefore I am single.

You can’t have everything. Where would you put it?

Fundamentalism: Believe in a kind, loving God or we’ll kill you!

Stupidity is not a handicap! Park somewhere else!

Jack and Jill did it for the insurance.

Never underestimate the power of very stupid people in large groups.

Prediction is extremely difficult. Especially about the future.

Why do we wash bath towels, aren’t we clean when we use them?

I spilled spot remover on my dog. Now he’s gone.

Velcro — what a rip off!

History will be kind to me for I intend to write it. – Winston Churchill

A penny saved is a Congressional spending oversight.

Democracy is a government where you can say what you think even if you don’t think.

Who is General Failure and why is he reading my hard disk?

The difference between a stepping-stone and a stumbling block can be when you see it.

Military intelligence is a contradiction in terms.

You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They left a little note on the windscreen, it said ‘Parking Fine.’

I generally avoid temptation unless I can’t resist it.

What happens if you get scared half to death twice?

I can resist everything except temptation.

Cleverly Disguised As A Responsible Adult.

Proofread carefully to see if you any words out.

Where there’s a will, I want to be in it.

“This ‘telephone’ has too many shortcomings to be seriously considered as a means of communication.” — Western Union internal memo, 1876.

Everybody is ignorant, only on different subjects.

Climbers aim for the summit because it is there. Bungi jumpers dive off the top because they aren’t all there.

Some people are alive only because it’s illegal to kill them.

Remember, half the people you know are below average.

If we aren’t supposed to eat animals, why are they made of meat?

Women like silent men. They think they’re listening.

Someone sent me a postcard picture of the earth. On the back it said, “Wish you were here.”

I’d explain it to you, but your brain would explode.

Life... I don’t get it...

How do you get an Irishman to burn his ear? Ring him up while he is ironing.

The trouble with life is there’s no background music.

There’s a difference between being open-minded and having a hole in your head

The human brain is a wonderful thing. It starts working the moment you are born, and never stops until you stand up to speak in public.

“I have never let my schooling interfere with my education.”—Mark Twain

Leftists are among the first to speak of their rights.

My parents stayed together for forty years, but that was out of spite.

“Blink your eyelids periodically to lubricate your eyes.” — Page 16 of the HP “Environmental, Health Safety Handbook for Employees”.

Vote for the man who promises least; he’ll be the least disappointing.

I was the next door kid’s imaginary friend.

Oh, don’t fuss. I just cut myself. It’s no big deal,” REALLY MEANS, “I have actually severed a limb, but will bleed to death before I admit I’m hurt.”

A guy got arrested for playing the guitar. He was fingering a minor.

A great many people think they are thinking when they are merely rearranging their prejudices.

Quantum mechanics: The dreams stuff is made of.

Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.

Advertisement for donkey rides in Thailand: Would you like to ride on your own ass?

In the office of a Roman doctor: Specialist in women and other diseases.

So Many Pedestrians – So Little Time.

Lead us not into temptation. Just tell us where it is; we’ll find it.

If trees could scream, would we be so cavalier about cutting them down? We might, if they screamed all the time, for no good reason.

Only a fool is astonished by the foolishness of humankind.

Brain: an apparatus with which we think we think.

If a job is worth doing well get someone else to do it.

“This report, by its very length, defends itself against the risk of being read”. — Winston Churchill

If someone with multiple personalities threatens suicide... is it considered a hostage situation?

God must love stupid people, he made so many.

I plead contemporary insanity.

Snowmen fall from Heaven unassembled.

Friends may come and go, but enemies accumulate

Half of being smart is knowing what you are dumb at.

You’re such an inspiration for the way I’ll never choose to be.

Applying computer technology is simply finding the right wrench to pound in the correct screw.

Latest survey shows that 3 out of 4 people make up 75% of the world’s population.

Modesty is a virtue of fools.

I work hard because millions on welfare depend on me.

If the world should blow itself up, the last audible voice would be that of an expert saying it can’t be done.

Tell me what you need, and I’ll tell you how to get along without it.

I have spent my whole life looking for the perfect woman, and now I’ve found her. Too bad she’s looking for the perfect man.

Being in the army is like being in the Boy Scouts, except that the Boy Scouts have adult supervision.

Smith & Wesson — the original point and click interface.

Raising teenagers is like trying to nail Jell-O to a tree.

Whenever I feel like exercise, I lie down until the feeling passes.

He often broke into song because he couldn’t find the key.

Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?

Before marriage, a man yearns for the woman he loves. After marriage, the ‘Y’ becomes silent.

For Sale: Parachute. Only used once, never opened, small stain.

My mind not only wanders, sometimes it leaves completely.

Plato is dead, Einstein is dead, and I’m not feeling too good myself...

I have a simple philosophy. Fill what’s empty. Empty what’s full. Scratch where it itches.

How did Moses make his tea? Hebrews it.

I have the body of a GOD – Buddha.

Englishmen never will be slaves: they are free to do whatever the Government and public opinion allow them to do.

“Oh dear,” said God, “I hadn’t thought of that,” and promptly vanished in a puff of logic.

Solitude is fine, but you need someone to tell you that solitude is fine.

Chaos, panic, & disorder – my work here is done.

What’s the definition of a will? (It’s a dead giveaway).

Life is complex: it has real and imaginary parts.

If everything is coming your way, you are probably in the wrong lane.

“The web is a dominatrix. Every where I turn, I see little buttons ordering me to Submit.” — Nytwind.

How do you know if a fish is Irish? It has drowned.

The trouble with the rat race is that even if you win, you’re still a rat.

Politicians are people who, when they see the light at the end of the tunnel, go out and buy more tunnel.

Restarting System - Mouse Moved

If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?

When you come to a fork in the road, take it.

“I could tell that my parents hated me. My bath toys were a toaster and a radio” — Rodney Dangerfield

I am amazed at radio DJ’s today. I am firmly convinced that AM on my radio stands for Absolute Moron. I will not begin to tell you what FM stands for.

Under capitalism, man exploits man. Under Communism, it’s just the opposite.

Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7th of your life.

Men have a much better time of it than women; for one thing, they marry later; for another thing they die earlier.

My mind works like lightning. One brilliant flash and it is gone.

People who think they know everything are annoying to those of us who do.

I couldn’t repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.

Anywhere is walking distance, if you’ve got the time.

If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?

I fear my inferiority complex is not as good as yours.

If you can’t convince them, confuse them.

“You can always count on Americans to do the right thing—after they’ve tried everything else” – Winston Churchill

People with narrow minds usually have broad tongues.

“How come we choose from just two people to run for president and 50 for Miss America?”

Wine divulges truth.

There are only three kinds of people; people who can count and people who can’t.

The trouble with jogging is that, by the time you realise you’re not in shape for it, it’s far too far to walk back.

Tip the world over on its side and everything loose will land in Los Angeles.

99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.

“Every mighty oak was once just a nut who stood his ground.”

Always remember you’re unique, just like everyone else.

A bird in the hand is safer than one overhead.

An army of deer led by a lion is more to be feared than an army of lions led by a deer.

If con is the opposite of pro, congress is the opposite of progress.

He does the work of three men: Larry, Moe and Curly.

The doctor can bury his mistakes but an architect can only advise his client to plant vines.

There are three ways to get something done: do it yourself, hire someone, or forbid your kids to do it.

You look like a million dollars. All green and wrinkled.

Hang in there; retirement is only thirty years away.

Everyone hates me because I’m paranoid.

Be careful when reading health books; you may die of a misprint.

I took a speed reading course and read ‘War and Peace’ in twenty minutes. It involves Russia. Enough women for four.

I intend to live forever – so far, so good.

Every morning is the dawn of a new error.

Time is a great teacher, but unfortunately it kills all its pupils.

I wondered why the baseball was getting bigger. Then it hit me.

Having more money doesn’t make you happier. I have 50 million dollars but I’m just as happy as when I had 48 million. ~ Arnold Schwarzenegger.

Ninety-nine per cent of the people in the world are fools and the rest of us are in great danger of contagion.

“You, you and you: panic. The rest of you, come with me.”

In a Copenhagen airline ticket office: We take your bags and send them in all directions.

My husband and I divorced over religious differences... He thought he was God and I didn’t.

I love cats – they taste just like chicken.

Anything not nailed down is mine. Anything I can pry loose is not nailed down.

It’s not hard to meet expenses, they’re everywhere.

Half of the people in the world are below average.

If I’d known I was going to live this long, I’d have taken better care of myself.

I am a nobody, nobody is perfect, therefore I’m perfect.

If puns were outlawed, only outlaws would have puns.

Laugh at your problems; everybody else does.

If I have to work for an idiot, I might as well work for myself.

A synonym is a word you use when you can’t spell the word you first thought of.

“I am not worried about the deficit. It is big enough to take care of itself.” – Ronald Reagan

If quizzes are quizzical, what are tests?

You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.

A poor excuse is like an old bucket; doesn’t matter what shape it is in, as long as it holds water.

It’s important to be open-minded, but not SO open-minded that your brains fall out.

The scientific theory I like best is that the rings of Saturn are composed entirely of lost airline luggage.

I hate women because they always know where things are.

The trouble with our times is that the future is not what it used to be.

Is Disney World the only people trap operated by a mouse?

We’ve made great medical progress in the last generation. What used to be merely an itch is now an allergy.

Promises are like babies: fun to make, but hell to deliver.

It has recently been discovered that research causes cancer in rats.

Authority makes some people grow – and others just swell.

If all you have is a hammer, everything looks like a nail.

Jokes about German sausage are the wurst.

Time flies like an arrow – fruit flies like a banana.

Experience is simply the name we give our mistakes.

Marriage is not a word; it is a sentence.

Money is flat and meant to be piled up. – Scottish Proverb

I think that’s how Chicago got started. A bunch of people in New York said, “Gee, I’m enjoying the crime and the poverty, but it just isn’t cold enough. Let’s go west.”—Richard Jeni

Half our life is spent trying to find something to do with the time we have rushed through life trying to save.

The earthquake in Washington obviously was the government’s fault.

Slow is when someone laps you in the hundred-yard dash

Hard work never killed anybody but why take the chance?

“A girl phoned me the other day and said... Come on over, there’s nobody home. I went over. Nobody was home” — Rodney Dangerfield

What hair color do they put on the driver’s licenses of bald men?

This Would Be Really Funny If It Weren’t Happening To Me.

I stayed up all night to see where the sun went. Then it dawned on me.

If you don’t know where you are going, you might wind up someplace else.

If at first you don’t succeed, try management.

Killed - Personality Incompatibility

This mind intentionally left blank

Just remember... if the world didn’t suck, we’d all fall off.

In this world, nothing is certain but death and taxes. – Benjamin Franklin

Maybe I’m lucky to be going so slowly, because I may be going in the wrong direction.

I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.

You have the right to your opinions. I just don’t want to hear them.

“As a matter of fact” is an expression that precedes many an expression that isn’t.

Pick your friends but not to pieces.

The day I can’t do my job drunk is the day I turn in my badge and gun.

“Things are more like they are now than they ever were before.” – Former U.S. President Dwight D. Eisenhower

It is even harder for the average ape to believe that he has descended from man.

People can be divided into three groups: Those who make things happen, those who watch things happen, and those who wonder what happened.

We must believe in free will, we have no choice.

Some pain is physical, and some is mental, but one that’s both is dental.

Honesty is the best policy, but insanity is a better defence.

I’d like to see things your way, but I’m looking in another direction.

Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

On the plus side, death is one of the few things that can be done just as easily as lying down.

No sense being pessimistic, it probably wouldn’t work anyway.

Venison for dinner again? Oh deer!

As a final incentive before giving up a difficult task, try to imagine it successfully accomplished by someone you violently dislike.

What’s another word for Thesaurus?

If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?

I want to die peacefully in my sleep like my grandfather, not screaming in abject horror like his passengers.

He’s not dead, he’s electroencephalographically challenged.

Just because you’re not paranoid doesn’t mean they’re not out to get you.

Ours is a world where people don’t know what they want and are willing to go through hell to get it.

“I’d rather have a bottle in front of me, than a frontal lobotomy”. — Tom Waits

I had some words with my wife, and she had some paragraphs with me.

People don’t grow up; they just learn how to act in public.

A day without sun shine is like, you know, night.

Most vegetarians look so much like the food they eat that they can be classified as cannibals.

All my life, I always wanted to be somebody. Now I see that I should have been more specific.

I thought I wanted a career, turns out I just wanted paychecks.

The beatings will continue until morale improves.

Make three correct guesses consecutively and you will establish yourself as an expert.

“I’ve been on a calendar but I have never been on time” – Marilyn Monroe

Consciousness: that annoying time between naps.

It is a small world, but I wouldn’t like to have to paint it.

Everybody is ignorant, only on different subjects.

If you can’t convince them, confuse them.

We have two ends. One for sitting and one for thinking. Our success depends on which one we use most.

A dog that attends a flea circus most likely will steal the whole show.

A committee is a body that keeps minutes and wastes hours.

Anyone who told you to be yourself couldn’t have given you worse advice.

Good judgement comes from experience. Experience comes from bad judgement.

“Einstein argued that there must be simplified explanations of nature, because God is not capricious or arbitrary. No such faith comforts the software engineer.” — Fred Brooks.

My favorite mythical creature? The honest politician.

I took an IQ test and the results were negative.

Go the extra mile. It makes your boss look like an incompetent slacker.

We Quit Voting Will They All Go Away?

Always try to be modest and be proud of it!

“I believe in equality for everyone, except reporters and photographers”. — Gandhi

Borrow money from pessimists- they don’t expect to get it back.

Two strings walk into a bar. The first string says to the bartender, “Bartender, I’ll have a beer. u.5n$x5t?*&4ru!2[sACCErJ”. The second string says, “Pardon my friend, he isn’t NULL terminated”.

I take everything I can for my kleptomania.

I have gone to look for myself, if I should return before I get back, keep me here.

Any ship can be a minesweeper... once.

Love is like an hourglass, with the heart filling up as the brain empties.

Don’t use a big word where a diminutive one will suffice.

I stayed up all night to see where the sun went. Then it dawned on me.

“People who drink light beer don’t like the taste of beer; they just like to pee a lot” — Rodney Dangerfield

Statistics are like bikinis – What they reveal is suggestive, but what they conceal is vital.

In the beginning, there was nothing. Then God said, “Let there be light,” and there was still nothing, but you could see it.

I heard a man say that brigands demand your money or your life, whereas women require both.

Brilliant, but with the social skills of a thermonuclear device.

“I wish everyone was peaceful. Then I could take over the planet with a butter knife”—Dogbert

Man who run in front of car get tired.

The short fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.

When I was young, I could remember anything. Whether it happened or not.

Eagles may soar, but weasels don’t get sucked into jet engines.

Five out of four people have trouble with fractions.

For people who like peace and quiet – a phoneless cord.

I dropped out of communism class because of lousy Marx.

I like kids, but I don’t think I could eat a whole one.

If you think nobody cares if you’re alive, try missing a couple of car payments.

I love work; it fascinates me; I can sit and watch it for hours.

Men’s faults are many, women have only two. Everything they say, and everything they do.

Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?

Bigamy is having one wife too many. Monogamy is the same. – Oscar Wilde

If at first you don’t succeed, destroy all the evidence that you tried.

Life is far too important to be taken seriously.

When angry count four, when very angry, swear.

If you can’t be kind, at least have the decency to be vague.

Man who run behind car get exhausted.

Remember... Marriage is the number one cause of divorce. Statistically, 100% of all divorces started with marriage.

Cab drivers are living proof that practice does not make perfect.

Technology is a way of organizing the universe so that man doesn’t have to experience it.

A conclusion is simply the place where you got tired of thinking.

Even crime wouldn’t pay if the government ran it.

e=mc^2 where m = the number of cooks required to spoil the broth

Accept that some days you’re the pigeon, and some days you’re the statue.

You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say will be misquoted then used against you.

Never put both feet in your mouth at the same time, because then you don’t have a leg to stand on.

All those who believe in psycho kinesis raise my hand.

If we learn by our mistakes, some of us are getting one hell of an education!

“Life is a waste of time, time is a waste of life, so get wasted all of the time and have the time of your life”. — Tom Waits

Laughing stock: cattle with a sense of humour.

“Auntie Em: hate you, hate Kansas, taking the dog.” – Dorothy

Save the whales. Collect the whole set.

Experience is something you do not get until just after you need it.

The only difference between Genius and Insanity... is success.

Not all men are annoying. Some are dead.

I don’t have a solution but I admire the problem.

The sooner you fall behind the more time you’ll have to catch up.

You have to stay in shape. My grandmother, she started walking five miles a day when she was 60. She’s 97 today and we don’t know where the hell she is.

I don’t meet competition. I crush it

If it weren’t for electricity we’d all be watching television by candlelight?

If sex is such a natural phenomenon, how come there are so many books on how to do it.

Whenever people agree with me, I always feel I must be wrong.

It’s not true that married men live longer than single men. It only seems longer.

Connection Reset - Insufficient Electrons

Alcohol: the cause of, and solution to, all of life’s problems.

It used to be only death and taxes were inevitable. Now, of course, there’s shipping and handling, too.

Everything you like is bad for you in some way.

“You start coding. I’ll go find out what they want.” — Computer analyst to programmer

I’m not dumb; I just have a command of thoroughly useless information.

My husband says I never listen to him (at least I think that’s what he said)

If you want your spouse to listen and pay strict attention to every word you say, talk in your sleep.

“The generation of random numbers is too important to be left to chance.” — Robert R. Coveyou, Oak Ridge National Laboratory.

“If women didn’t exist, all the money in the world would have no meaning.” – Aristotle Onassis

“Few things are harder to put up with than a good example.”—Mark Twain

A drop of ink may make a million think.

You’re not drunk if you can lie on the floor without holding on.

If a woman has to choose between catching a fly ball and saving an infant’s life, she will choose to save the infant’s life without even considering if there is a man on base.—Dave Barry

Broken pencils are pointless.

Isn’t having a smoking section in a restaurant like having a peeing section in a swimming pool?

System Error - Windows Loaded

Why does Sea World have a seafood restaurant? I’m halfway through my fish burger and I realize, Oh my gosh... I could be eating a slow learner.

Comedy is tragedy plus time.

When life hands you a lemon, make lemonade.

You’ll never get to heaven if you’re scared of getting high.

A bachelor is a man who comes to work from a different direction each morning.

I Haven’t Lost My Mind, It’s Backed Up On Disk Somewhere.

When he first ran for office, he appealed to the voters: “I never stole anything in my life. All I ask is a chance.”

One day I will get this peer guy and reset his connection.

All men are equal. Some are just more equal than others.

“Always be sincere, even when you don’t mean it”. — Irene Peter

Abel Tasman on discovering Tasmania, “Too far south for spices and too close to the rim of the earth to be inhabited by anything but freaks and monsters”

When you do not know what you are doing, do it neatly.

Well if this is the wrong number, why did you answer it?

If you can’t dazzle them with brilliance... just baffle them with bullsh*t.

“When in doubt tell the truth.”—Mark Twain

Don’t take life too seriously—you’ll never get out of it alive.

Time sneaks up on you like a windshield on a bug.

Age is a very high price to pay for maturity.

Conscience is the inner voice warning us that someone may be looking.

Quantum: Noun, word used to sound like I know what I’m talking about while discussing physics I’ve never actually studied.

To err is human – and to blame it on a computer is even more so.

Seeing a murder on television...will help work off one’s antagonisms. And if you haven’t any antagonisms, the commercials will give you some.

One good turn gets most of the blankets.

Always do sober what you said you’d do drunk. That will teach you to keep your mouth shut.

If you choke a smurf, what colour does it turn?

Anger is only one letter away from danger.

How Many Roads Must A Man Travel Down Before He Admits He Is Lost?

Macho Law prohibits me from admitting I’m wrong.

If you want a committed man, look in a mental hospital.

He who laughs last thinks slowest.

If you’re not confused, you’re not paying attention.

Shin: a device for finding furniture in the dark.

Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.

Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?

Somewhere on this globe, every ten seconds, is a woman giving birth to a child. She must be found and stopped.

The fellow who thinks he knows it all is especially annoying to those of us who do.

If a President doesn’t do it to his wife, he’ll do it to his country.

Everything is possible; just not too probable.

Get even – live long enough to be a problem to your kids.

I wished the buck stopped here, as I could use a few.

“Thinking is the hardest work there is, which is probably why so few engage in it”. — Henry Ford

Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying of nothing.

Men are from earth. Women are from earth. Deal with it.

If money talks, it ain’t on speakin’ terms with me.

“#define QUESTION ((bb) || !(bb))” — Shakespeare

Take my advice, I don’t use it anyway.

I can please only one person per day. Today is not your day. Tomorrow isn’t looking good either.

Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don’t.

I’m an apathetic sociopath – I’d kill you if I cared.

He’s so lazy. I’ve seen him step into a revolving door and wait.

I always wanted to be somebody, but I should have been more specific.

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I get enough exercise just pushing my luck.

This girl said she recognized me from the vegetarian club, but I’d never met herbivore

If you don’t know where you are going, you will wind up somewhere else.

If the human brain were so simple that we could understand it, we would be so simple we couldn’t.

Whenever there is any doubt, there is no doubt.

A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a train stops. On my desk I have a workstation...

Nick Overruled - Democratic Majority Decision

I guess traffic in the city is improving a little. Yesterday, I drove clear across town and only had to shave twice.

The only reason some people get lost in thought is because it’s unfamiliar territory.

Some people are alive only because it’s illegal to kill them.

If you do not make dust, you eat dust.

Allow me to introduce my selves.

If you don’t learn to laugh at troubles, you won’t have anything to laugh at when you grow old.

I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol.

Sometimes I wake up grumpy; other times I let her sleep

“I’ve noticed that everyone who is for abortion has already been born.” – Ronald Reagan

I used to think I was indecisive, but now I’m not sure.

I don’t necessarily agree with everything I say.

Despite the cost of living it’s still very popular.

Don’t stop to stomp on ants when the elephants are stampeding.

Youth is a wonderful thing. What a crime to waste it on children.

Hope sees the invisible, feels the intangible and achieves the impossible.

I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.

“Managing senior programmers is like herding cats” — Dave Platt.

It is hard enough to remember my opinions, without also remembering my reasons for them!

Foolproof systems don’t take into account the ingenuity of fools.

According to recent study someone is run over by a car every 5 minutes in the city. You’d think the guy would have enough sense to get out of the street.

The sooner you fall behind the more time you’ll have to catch up.

I’m not into working out. My philosophy: No pain, no pain.

The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.

A hangover is the wrath of grapes.

I like to start my periods with sentences.

I am not a vegetarian because I love animals; I am a vegetarian because I hate plants.

Does this smell like chloroform to you?

Illiterate? Write For Help.

“Everyday I beat my own previous record for number of consecutive days I’ve stayed alive.”

“How can a president not be an actor?” – when asked “How could an actor become president?” – Ronald Reagan

Time is God’s way of keeping everything from happening at once.

Madness takes its toll. Please have exact change.

The light at the end of the tunnel has been turned off due to budget cuts.

You can always spot a well-informed man – his views are the same as yours.

I used to be apathetic, but now I don’t give a damn.

You can say any foolish thing to a dog, and the dog will give you a look that says, “My God, you’re right! I never would’ve thought of that!”

Plan to be spontaneous tomorrow.

I don’t approve of political jokes... I’ve seen too many of them get elected.

Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.

Everybody lies, but it doesn’t matter since nobody listens.

I’m out of my mind, but feel free to leave a message.

One should forgive one’s enemies, but not before they are hanged.

Instead of getting married again, I’m going to find a woman I don’t like and just give her a house.—Rod Stewart

Errors have been made. Others will be blamed.

I spent most of my money on booze, drugs and women... The rest I wasted!

I don’t enjoy computer jokes; not one bit.

It is hard to understand how a cemetery raised its burial charges and blamed it on the cost of living.

It is said that if you line up all the cars in the world end to end, someone would be stupid enough to try and pass them.

Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian any more than going to the garage makes you a car.

Tips for Vegetarians: Hit a chicken enough times and it turns into a vegetable.

I had amnesia once or twice.

They say you only use ten percent of your brain. What about the other ten?

IRS: We’ve got what it takes to take what you’ve got.

I started out with nothing, and I still have most of it.

Don’t look back. Something may be gaining on you.

Age always corresponds inversely to the size of your multivitamin.

Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way when you criticize them, you are a mile away from them and you have their shoes.

If vegetable oil comes from vegetables, where does baby oil come from?

Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy.

If at first you don’t succeed, try, try again. Then quit. There’s no use being a damned fool about it.

Booze is the answer. I don’t remember the question.

Humour. It is a difficult concept. It is not logical.

Never argue with an idiot. They drag you down to their level then beat you with experience.

I’m desperately trying to figure out why kamikaze pilots wore helmets.

If you can’t beat your computer at chess, try kickboxing.

Constipated People Don’t Give A Crap.

“C++ : Where friends have access to your private members.” — Gavin Russell Baker.

He who trains his tongue to quote the learned sages, will be known far and wide as a smart ass.

Youth would be an ideal state if it came a little later in life.

If you try and don’t succeed, cheat. Repeat until caught. Then lie.

Men occasionally stumble over the truth, but most of them pick themselves up and hurry off as if nothing had happened. – Winston Churchill

That which cannot be taken apart will fall apart.

The early bird gets the worm, but the early worm gets eaten.

Confidence is the feeling you have before you understand the situation.

Artificial Intelligence is no match for Natural Stupidity.

Just because your head is the biggest doesn’t mean it contains the right ideas.

There’s a fine line between genius and insanity. I have erased this line.

On a tombstone: I TOLD YOU I WAS SICK

A cartoonist was found dead in his home. Details are sketchy.

Warning: Dates in Calendar are closer than they appear.

My one regret in life is that I am not someone else.

Seen it all, done it all, can’t remember most of it.

In elementary school, in case of fire, you have to line up quietly in a single file line from smallest to tallest. What is the logic? Do tall people burn slower?

Money is better than poverty, if only for financial reasons.

I’m in no shape to exercise.

“Reader, suppose you were an idiot. And suppose you were a member of Congress. But I repeat myself”. — Mark Twain

A soldier who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran.

It doesn’t matter what temperature the room is; it’s always room temperature.

The dictionary is the only place where success comes before work.

“Are you going to come quietly, or do I have to use earplugs?”—Vale Spike Milligan

How do you spot an Irishman at a carwash? He’s the one on the bike.

Pardon my driving, I am reloading.

“There are only two things that are infinite: the universe and human stupidity. And I’m not sure about the universe.” A. Einstein

Best way to get a man to do something, is to suggest they are too old for it.

Don’t Be Sexist – Broads Hate That.

I don’t suffer from stress. I’m a carrier.

Democracy is the recurrent suspicion that more than half of the people are right more than half of the time.

The most precious thing we have is life. Yet it has absolutely no trade-in value.

The amount of work to be done increases in proportion to the amount of work already completed. — VAIL’S SECOND AXIOM

Man who eat many prunes get good run for money.

Plagiarism saves time.

“Then he ran into my knife. He ran into my knife ten times.” – Chicago

To B or not to B? *kills the B* I HATE BEES!!!! – LynxofCP

They say if you play a Microsoft CD backwards you hear satanic messages. That’s nothing, if you play it forwards it installs Windows.

Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.

“I think there is a world market for maybe five computers.” — Thomas Watson, chairman of IBM, 1943.

How do you sink an Irish Submarine? Knock on the hatch.

One martini is all right, two is too many, and three is not enough.

Why were the Indians here first? They had reservations.

Perhaps you’re diagonally parked in a parallel universe?

The secret of success is sincerity. Once you can fake that you’ve got it made.

Some people say that I must be a horrible person, but that’s not true. I have the heart of a young boy – in a jar on my desk.

We are going on a field trip to the Coca-Cola factory. I hope there are no pop quizzes.

I’m quite easy to get along with, once you learn to beckon at my every call and yield to all my desires.

Marriage changes passion... suddenly you’re in bed with a relative.

“When you starve with a tiger, the tiger starves last”. — Griffin’s Thought

Connection Reset By Aboriginal With Wire Cutters

I used to be a Kleptomaniac, But now I’m taking something for it

I arise in the morning torn between a desire to improve the world and a desire to enjoy the world. This makes it hard to plan the day.

Caution – Driver Legally Blonde!

Why is the man that invests your money called a broker?

Why is the third hand on the watch called a second hand?

It is a fitting irony that under Richard Nixon, ‘launder’ became a dirty word.

I’m reading a book about anti-gravity. I can’t put it down.

Keyboard not detected. Press F1 to continue

Genius is 1% inspiration, and 99% perspiration.

I used to be a banker, but then I lost interest.

If olive oil comes from olives, where does baby oil come from?

If it’s true that we are here to help others, then what exactly are the others here for?

Be nice to your kids. They’ll choose your nursing home.

A procrastinator’s work is never done.

“There are two major products that come out of Berkeley: LSD and UNIX. We don’t believe this to be a coincidence.” — Jeremy S. Anderson

Succeed in spite of management. Aim Low; Reach Your Goals, Avoid Disappointment.

At the age of six I wanted to be a cook. At seven I wanted to be Napoleon. And my ambition has been growing steadily ever since.

There are two types of people in this world, good and bad. The good sleep better, but the bad seem to enjoy the waking hours much more.

“Banking establishments are more dangerous than standing armies”. — Thomas Jefferson

It’s just a job. Grass grows, birds fly, waves pound the sand. I just beat people up. – Muhammad Ali

My life has a superb cast but I can’t figure out the plot.

We spend the first twelve months of our children’s lives teaching them to walk and talk and the next twelve telling them to sit down and shut up.

If ever I get married again it would have to be under an anaesthetic.

Progress was all right. Only it went on too long.

There is nothing so annoying as to have two people go right on talking when you’re interrupting.

A baby sitter is a teenager acting like an adult while the adults are out acting like teenagers.

As the light changed from red to green to yellow and back to red again, I sat there thinking about life. Was it nothing more than a bunch of honking and yelling? Sometimes it seemed that way.

Why is it that to stop Windows, you have to click on “Start”?

The best computer is a man, and it’s the only one that can be mass-produced by unskilled labour.

I Refuse To Have A Battle Of Wits With An Unarmed Person.

“War does not determine who is right - only who is left.” – Bertrand Russell

When in doubt, mumble.

I did a theatrical performance about puns. It was a play on words.

It is not my interest to pay the principal, nor my principal to pay the interest.

I used to think I was indecisive, but now I’m not sure.

Outside of a dog, a book is probably man’s best friend, and inside of a dog, it’s too dark to read.

If people concentrated on the really important things in life, there’d be a shortage of fishing poles.

The art of flying is to throw yourself at the ground and miss.

I haven’t spoken to my wife for 18 months: I don’t like to interrupt her.

How do I set a laser printer to stun?

Show me a piano falling down a mineshaft and I’ll show you A-flat minor.

Well, this day was a total waste of makeup.

Living is not worth dying for.

I don’t have an attitude problem. You have a perception problem.

A dyslexic man walks into a bra.

I’m an idealist: I don’t know where I’m going, but I’m on my way.

I don’t believe in astrology. I am a Sagittarius and we’re very skeptical. ~ Arthur C. Clarke

Age is an issue of mind over matter. If you don’t mind, it doesn’t matter.

Cheerfulness is contagious, but don’t wait to catch it from others. Be a carrier.

Impotence: Nature’s Way Of Saying “No Hard Feelings”.

If at first you do succeed, try to hide your astonishment.

The second day of a diet is alway easier than the first. By the second day, you’re off it.

It is wiser to find out than to suppose.—Mark Twain

It’s strange, isn’t it. You stand in the middle of a library and go aaaaagghhhh’ and everyone just stares at you. But you do the same thing on an aeroplane, and everyone joins in.

Don’t talk unless you can improve the silence.

Man does not live by words alone, despite the fact that sometimes he has to eat them.

“My wife made me join a bridge club. I jump off next Tuesday” — Rodney Dangerfield

Man who drive like hell bound to get there.

Nothing means nothing, but it isn’t really nothing because nothing is something that isn’t.

Honk if you love peace and quiet.

An egotist is a person of low taste—more interested in himself than in me.

“Reading computer manuals without the hardware is as frustrating as reading sex manuals without the software.” — Arthur C. Clarke.

I majored in liberal arts. Will that be for here or to go?

Knowledge is the key, but where is the damn lock?

Be kind to your dentist. He has fillings, too.

A backwards poet writes inverse.

Mind like a steel trap – rusty and illegal in most states.

In a Rome laundry: Ladies, leave your clothes here and spend the afternoon having a good time.

I’m sorry; you cannot have an outlook on life because it isn’t responding. Microsoft apologises for any inconvenience.

Cheer up, the worst is yet to come.

Anything not nailed down is a cat toy.

I thought I made a mistake once, but I was wrong.

Well, if I called the wrong number, why did you answer the phone?

If at first you don’t succeed, skydiving is not your sport.

Sometimes I think the surest sign that intelligent life exists elsewhere in the universe is that none of it has tried to contact us.

Doctor, Doctor I keep getting pains in the eye when I drink coffee. Have you tried taking the spoon out?

I have kleptomania, but when it gets bad, I take something for it. ~ Robert Benchle

By the time a man realises that his father was right, he has a son who thinks he’s wrong.

We waste time, so you don’t have to.

Remember half the people you know are below average.

How can you come out of a closet if you never went in there in the first place?

PMS jokes aren’t funny. Period.

Did you hear about the cross-eyed teacher who lost her job because she couldn’t control her pupils?

The most powerful force in the universe is gossip.

Where you stand depends on where you sit.

There’s a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot.

Mental Floss prevents Moral Decay.

“I worked in a pet shop and people kept asking how big I’d get” — Rodney Dangerfield

Blessed are those who can laugh at themselves, they will never cease to be amused.

When you get a bladder infection, urine trouble.

A printer consists of three main parts: the case, the jammed paper tray and the blinking red light

Bacteria: the only culture some people have.

“Inconceivable!” “I do not think that word means what you think it means.”

Gossip: The art of saying nothing while leaving nothing unsaid.

Bacteria: the only culture some people have.

Democracy is a process by which people are free to choose the man who will get the blame.

Eschew obfuscation.

In a Tokyo shop: Our nylons cost more than common, but you’ll find they are best in the long run.

One of the greatest labour-saving inventions today is tomorrow.

I have noticed that the people who are late are often so much jollier that the people who have to wait for them.

I married Miss Right. I just didn’t know her first name was Always.

I am free of all prejudices. I hate everyone equally.

All the toilets in New York’s police stations have been stolen. The police have nothing to go on.

I’m not afraid of heights, only widths.

An Apple a day keeps the doctor away. But... an onion a day keeps everyone away.

I live in my own little world, but it’s ok they know me here.

AIBOHPHOBIA – the fear of palindromes.

Time’s fun when you’re having flies... Kermit the Frog

Make sure your mind isn’t so open that your brains fall out.

I have great faith in fools; my friends call it self-confidence.

An Irish man was driving to the airport when he saw a sign saying ‘Airport – Left’... So he went home.

Love is blind, but marriage is a real eye-opener.

INDECISION is the key to FLEXIBILITY.

Don’t use a big word where a diminutive one will suffice.

If you’re born again, do you have two bellybuttons?

An egotist has one point in his favour – he doesn’t go round talking about other people.

I used to find him boring until I stopped listening.

I don’t like people who take drugs... Customs Officers for example.

Don’t marry for money. You can borrow it cheaper.

I changed my iPod’s name to Titanic. It’s syncing now.

My schoolmates would make love to anything that moved, but I never saw any reason to limit myself.

In a Norwegian cocktail lounge: Ladies are requested not to have children in the bar.

There is no such thing as an underestimate of average intelligence

There are 10 types of people in the world: Those who understand binary, and those who don’t.

I tried sniffing Coke once, but the ice cubes got stuck in my nose.

Shin: a device for finding furniture in the dark.

When I was a boy I was told that anybody could become president; I’m beginning to believe it.

Eat a live toad first thing in the morning, and nothing worse can happen to you the rest of the day.

A study in the Washington Post says that women have better verbal skills than men. I just want to say to the authors of that study: “Duh.”— Conan O’Brien

Cole’s Law: Thinly sliced cabbage.

If Bill Gates had a nickel for every time Windows crashed... oh wait, he does.

111,111,111 x 111,111,111 = 12,345,678,987,654,321

“On two occasions I have been asked [by members of Parliament!]: ‘Pray, Mr. Babbage, if you put into the machine wrong figures, will the right answers come out ?’ I am not able rightly to apprehend the kind of confusion of ideas that could provoke such a question.” — Charles Babbage.

I love being married. It’s so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.

Optimists believe we live on the greatest world. Pessimists believe this is true.

It is not what a teenager knows that bothers his parents. It is how he found out.

I envy people who drink – at least they know what to blame everything on.

Man shoots neighbour with machete [The Miami Herald, July 3]

What do you call a dinosaur with an extensive vocabulary? A thesaurus.

Some people are going to leave a mark on this world, while others will leave a stain.

I’d give my right arm to be ambidextrous.

There are 3 kinds of people: those who can count and those who can’t.

Procrastinate Now!

Moderation in all things, including moderation.

A diplomatic husband said to his wife, how do you expect me to remember your birthday when you never look any older?

Why is it that doctors call what they do “practice”?

Anything’s possible... apart from skiing through a revolving door.

It’s not that I’m afraid to die; I just don’t want to be there when it happens.

Get a new car for your spouse – it’ll be a great trade!

Last night I lay in bed looking up at the stars in the sky and I thought to myself, “Where the heck is the ceiling?”

Remember the teakettle; though up to its neck in hot water, it continues to sing.

I either want less corruption, or more chance to participate in it.

This guy walks into a bar and the barman says “Ouch, that must have hurt”

Nobody can be exactly like me. Even I have trouble doing it.

Red Tape Holds Up New Bridge!

As long as there are tests, there will be prayer in public schools.

The world is full of willing people; some willing to work, the rest willing to let them.

After all is said and done, more is said than done.

“The best thing about the future is that it comes only one day at a time.” – Abraham Lincoln

Work: It isn’t just for sleeping anymore.

Why is it called tourist season if we can’t shoot at them?

There are two kinds of people, those who finish what they start, and so on.

Blessed are the young, for they shall inherit the national debt.

Partying... oops No Only Parting... sorry

When all other means of communication fail, try words.

If you don’t know why I’m mad at you, then I’m certainly not going to tell you

“I have left orders to be awakened at any time in case of national emergency – even if I’m in a Cabinet meeting.” – Ronald Reagan

In democracy it’s your vote that counts. In feudalism it’s your count that votes.

Be thankful for problems. If they were less difficult, someone with less ability might have your job.

At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be “What is hell?” Come early and listen to our choir practice.

The dumber people think you are, the more surprised they’re going to be when you kill them—Rodney Dangerfield

Even paranoids have real enemies.

I think animal testing is a terrible idea; they get all nervous and give the wrong answers.

I wonder how much deeper would the ocean be without sponges.

He who smiles in a crisis has found someone to blame.

I know a guy who is addicted to brake fluid. He says he can stop anytime.

The shortest distance between two points is under construction.

Lots of people know a good thing the minute the other fellow sees it first.

Bachelors know more about women than married men; if they didn’t they’d be married too.

One good thing about repeating your mistakes is that you know when to cringe.

A person who smiles in the face of adversity... probably has a scapegoat.

A bargain is something you don’t need at a price you can’t resist.

Never go to a doctor whose office plants have died.

I love deadlines. I especially like the whooshing sound they make as they go flying by.

Hypochondria is the only disease I haven’t got.

I don’t suffer from stress. I’m a carrier.

I always wanted to be a procrastinator, never got around to it though.

Programmer – A red-eyed, mumbling mammal capable of conversing with inanimate objects.

Work expands to fill the time available. — PARKINSON’S LAW

“Always in motion the future is. Seasick it makes me. That’s why so green I am”. – Yoda

Confidence is the feeling you have before you understand the situation

It’s hard to face the problem, when the problem is your face.

“Heavier-than-air flying machines are impossible.” — Lord Kelvin, president, Royal Society, 1895.

Why don’t you ever see the headline “Psychic Wins Lottery”?

I often quote myself; it adds spice to my conversation.

The chance of a piece of bread falling with the buttered side down is directly proportional to the cost of the carpet.

To find out a girl’s faults, praise her to her girl friends.

If it weren’t for the last minute, nothing would ever get done.

What if there were no hypothetical questions?

Jokes about German sausage are the wurst.

Birthdays are good for you. Statistics show that the people who have the most live the longest.

In a Budapest zoo: Please do not feed the animals. If you have any suitable food, give it to the guard on duty.

“If builders built buildings the way programmers write programs, then the first woodpecker that came along would destroy civilization” — Weinberg’s Second Law.

When in trouble, fear or doubt, run in circles, scream and shout.

What do you call a dinosaur with an extensive vocabulary? A thesaurus.

Chipped dishes never break.

Honest criticism is hard to take, particularly from a relative, a friend, an acquaintance, or a stranger.

The number of people watching you is directly proportional to the stupidity of your action.

Once, during prohibition, I was forced to live for days on nothing but food and water.

Character is what you are in the dark.

If it’s 0 degrees today and it’s going to be twice as cold tomorrow... how cold will it be?

Santa’s helpers are subordinate clauses.

Age is a question of mind over matter. If you don’t mind, it don’t matter.

I laugh in the face of danger, except if I’m involved.

Sheep don’t fly so much as plummet.

If I were someone who knew something, who could I tell that would believe me?

England has no kidney bank, but it does have a Liverpool.

Years ago fairy tales began with “Once upon a time...” Now it’s “If I am elected...”

“There is no reason anyone would want a computer in their home.” — Ken Olson, founder of Digital Equipment Corp., 1977.

Arguing on the Internet is like competing in the Special Olympics – even if you win, you are still retarded.

Never buy a car you can’t push.

Being single is like a vacuum. It sucks when you are turned on.

Horn broken. Watch for finger. (on bumper sticker)

Legend: a lie that has attained the dignity of age.

Men don’t care what’s on TV. They only care what else is on TV.

“If carrots are so good for the eyes, how come I see so many dead rabbits on the highway?”

Is there life before death?

The illegal we do immediately. The unconstitutional takes a little longer. – Henry Kissinger

There are very few personal problems that cannot be solved through a suitable application of high explosives.

Being a philosopher, I have a problem for every solution.

Ever stop to think and forget to start again?

If you’re not wasted, the day is.

Early to rise, early to bed, makes a man healthy but socially dead.

A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat.

If you don’t pay your exorcist you get repossessed.

“I would like to live in Manchester, England. The transition between Manchester and death would be unnoticeable”. — Mark Twain

Compromise: the art of dividing a cake so that everybody believes he or she got the biggest piece.

When your IQ reaches 80 –– sell.

Every time I look at you I get a fierce desire to be lonesome.

I like children. Properly cooked.

Bachelors have consciences, married men have wives.

Smoking cures weight problems...eventually...

I didn’t like my beard at first. Then it grew on me.

If a man opens a car door for a woman, either the car is new or the woman.

Everybody has a photographic memory. Some don’t have film.

“A patriot must always be ready to defend his country against his government”. — Edward Abbey

If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?

Stupidity is not a handicap. Park elsewhere!

Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

Outside a Hong Kong tailor shop: Ladies may have a fit upstairs.

Early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.

On the other hand you have different fingers.

When Chemists die, they barium.

Don’t be irreplaceable; if you cannot be replaced, you cannot be promoted.

On the keyboard of life, always keep one finger on the escape key.

A clean tie attracts the soup of the day.

It is well to remember the entire population of the universe, with one trifling exception, is composed of others.

Lord, if you won’t make me skinny, please make all my friends fat.

It’s easy to quit smoking... I’ve done it over 10,000 times.

I got a job at a bakery because I kneaded dough.

“Hey, I’ve got reasons for what I’m doing,” REALLY MEANS, “I sure hope I think of some pretty soon.”

In the beginning, God created earth and rested. Then God created man and rested. Then God created woman. Since then, neither God nor man has rested.

Someday we’ll look back on all this and plow into the back of a parked car.

If At First You Don’t Succeed... Blame Someone Else And Seek Counseling.

Streakers beware: Your end is in sight.

Two signs from a Majorcan shop entrance: English well speaking / Here speeching American.

“He has been given a large brain by mistake, since for him the spinal cord would fully suffice.” — Albert Einstein

The things that come to those that wait may be the things left by those who got there first.

I used up all my sick days, so I’m calling in dead.

Sex on television can’t hurt you unless you fall off.

Everyone needs belief in something. I believe I’ll have another beer.

Sheep don’t fly so much as plummet.

No problem is so big and complicated that it can’t be ran away from.

Laugh and the world laughs with you; snore and you sleep alone.

“Your mouse has moved. Windows must be restarted for the change to take effect. Reboot now ? [OK]”

Mines are equal opportunity weapons.

I tried to photograph the fog, but I mist.

Murphy’s Golden Rule: Whoever has the gold makes the rules.

Does your train of thought have a caboose?

Help Wanted: Telepath. You know where to apply.

To define recursion, we must first define recursion.

They told me I had type A blood, but it was a Type O

Never put off until tomorrow what you can avoid altogether.

Am I getting smart with you? How would you know?

Marriage is a three-ring circus: engagement ring, wedding ring, and suffering.

If I were two-faced, would I be wearing this one?

Marathon runners with bad footwear suffer the agony of defeat.

If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?

Doctor, Doctor You’ve got to help me – I just can’t stop my hands shaking. Do you drink a lot? Not really – I spill most of it!

A team effort is a lot of people doing what I say

Heck is where people go who don’t believe in gosh.

“You have to be careful about being too careful” – Beryl Pfizer

I don’t want to achieve immortality through my work. I want to achieve immortality through not dying.

If we don’t succeed, we run the risk of failure.

Roses are red, Violets are blue. In Soviet Russia, Poems write you.

When I’m not in my right mind, my left mind gets pretty crowded

I am obviously right, and as you disagree with me, then logically you must be wrong.

What does a clock do when it’s hungry? It goes back four seconds.

I hope that after I die, people will say of me: “That guy sure owed me a lot of money.”

If life was fair, Elvis would be alive and all the impersonators would be dead.

I married my wife for her looks... but not the ones she’s been giving me lately!

From the moment I picked your book up until I laid it down I was convulsed with laughter. Some day I intend reading it.

Without question, the greatest invention in the history of mankind is beer. Oh, I grant you that the wheel was also a fine invention, but the wheel does not go nearly as well with pizza.

Of course, we are all worms—but I like to think, at least, that I am a glow-worm. – Winston Churchill

If the French were really intelligent, they’d speak English.

Hemp is a herb. Bush is a dope.

The more time you spend in reporting on what you are doing, the less time you have to do it in. Stability is achieved when you spend all your time doing nothing but reporting on the nothing you are doing.

What Has Four Legs And An Arm? A Happy Pit Bull.

My girlfriend told me I should be more affectionate. So I got two more girlfriends.

Those who can laugh without cause have either found the true meaning of happiness or have gone stark raving mad.

Where do you find an Irish woodworm? Dead inside a brick.

“My computer NEVER loc

A bird does not sing because it has an answer—it sings because it has a song.

If automobiles had followed the same development cycle as the computer, a Rolls Royce would today cost $100, get a million miles per gallon, and explode once a year, killing everyone inside.

Anyone can admit they were wrong; the true test is admitting it to someone else.

Money can’t buy happiness, but it sure makes misery easier to live with.

This comment is printed on 100% recycled electrons.

“The object of war is not to die for your country but to make the other bastard die for his.” – General George Patton

My reality check just bounced.

When you are arguing with an idiot, make sure the other person isn’t doing the same thing.

Success always occurs in private, and failure in full public view.

It’s bad luck to be superstitious.

The only perfect science is hindsight.

Haunted French pancakes give me the crêpes.

Eagles may soar, but weasels don’t get sucked into jet engines.

I was at a bar nursing a beer. My nipple was getting quite soggy.

Everybody is somebody else’s weirdo.

The truth is a precious commodity. That’s why I use it so sparingly.

Before you give a colleague a piece of your mind, be sure you can spare it.

How do you keep an Irishman busy? Write P.T.O on both sides of a piece of paper.

Next time you wave, use all your fingers.

Anything that can become tangled around something else, will.

Needing someone is like needing a parachute. If he isn’t there the first time you need him, chances are you won’t be needing him again.

Any task worth doing was worth doing yesterday.

Better to remain silent and be thought a fool, than to speak and remove all doubt.

Originality is the fine art of remembering what you hear, but forgetting where you heard it.

“They say hard work never hurt anybody, but I figure why take the chance.” – Ronald Reagan

I have had more trouble with myself than with any other man I’ve met.

Computers make it easy to do a lot of things, but most of the things that make it easier to do don’t need to be done.

I majored in liberal arts. Will that be for here or to go?

Cluster bombing from B-52s is very, very accurate – the bombs always hit the ground.

The surprising thing about young fools is how many survive to become old fools.

A conscience does not prevent sin. It only prevents you from enjoying it.

Energizer Bunny arrested: Charged with battery.

Insanity is hereditary; you can get it from your children.

What sane person could live in this world and not be crazy?

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