Amusing Quotes & One-Liners

Isn’t having a smoking section in a restaurant like having a peeing section in a swimming pool?

“War does not determine who is right - only who is left.” – Bertrand Russell

I used up all my sick days, so I’m calling in dead.

Be thankful for problems. If they were less difficult, someone with less ability might have your job.

Did you hear about the cross-eyed teacher who lost her job because she couldn’t control her pupils?

If At First You Don’t Succeed... Blame Someone Else And Seek Counseling.

Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don’t.

They say if you play a Microsoft CD backwards you hear satanic messages. That’s nothing, if you play it forwards it installs Windows.

“If women didn’t exist, all the money in the world would have no meaning.” – Aristotle Onassis

Best way to get a man to do something, is to suggest they are too old for it.

I spilled spot remover on my dog. Now he’s gone.

PMS jokes aren’t funny. Period.

I wondered why the baseball was getting bigger. Then it hit me.

“Blink your eyelids periodically to lubricate your eyes.” — Page 16 of the HP “Environmental, Health Safety Handbook for Employees”.

If at first you don’t succeed, try, try again. Then quit. There’s no use being a damned fool about it.

You have the right to your opinions. I just don’t want to hear them.

It is even harder for the average ape to believe that he has descended from man.

Where do you find an Irish woodworm? Dead inside a brick.

Mental Floss prevents Moral Decay.

Success always occurs in private, and failure in full public view.

I Refuse To Have A Battle Of Wits With An Unarmed Person.

Time sneaks up on you like a windshield on a bug.

There is nothing so annoying as to have two people go right on talking when you’re interrupting.

When I was young, I could remember anything. Whether it happened or not.

I stayed up all night to see where the sun went. Then it dawned on me.

I guess traffic in the city is improving a little. Yesterday, I drove clear across town and only had to shave twice.

Remember the teakettle; though up to its neck in hot water, it continues to sing.

Bachelors have consciences, married men have wives.

If I have to work for an idiot, I might as well work for myself.

If you don’t know why I’m mad at you, then I’m certainly not going to tell you

Errors have been made. Others will be blamed.

If all you have is a hammer, everything looks like a nail.

“This ‘telephone’ has too many shortcomings to be seriously considered as a means of communication.” — Western Union internal memo, 1876.

Be kind to your dentist. He has fillings, too.

Does this smell like chloroform to you?

Acupuncture is a jab well done.

Age is an issue of mind over matter. If you don’t mind, it doesn’t matter.

As long as there are tests, there will be prayer in public schools.

Help Wanted: Telepath. You know where to apply.

If you can’t convince them, confuse them.

Two signs from a Majorcan shop entrance: English well speaking / Here speeching American.

I’d like to see things your way, but I’m looking in another direction.

Smoking cures weight problems...eventually...

A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat.

I am free of all prejudices. I hate everyone equally.

Make three correct guesses consecutively and you will establish yourself as an expert.

If you can’t dazzle them with brilliance... just baffle them with bullsh*t.

Don’t take life too seriously—you’ll never get out of it alive.

Youth would be an ideal state if it came a little later in life.

One good thing about repeating your mistakes is that you know when to cringe.

At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be “What is hell?” Come early and listen to our choir practice.

If money talks, it ain’t on speakin’ terms with me.

Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

According to recent study someone is run over by a car every 5 minutes in the city. You’d think the guy would have enough sense to get out of the street.

“I would like to live in Manchester, England. The transition between Manchester and death would be unnoticeable”. — Mark Twain

Legend: a lie that has attained the dignity of age.

I spent most of my money on booze, drugs and women... The rest I wasted!

I like to start my periods with sentences.

It’s not hard to meet expenses, they’re everywhere.

I used to find him boring until I stopped listening.

The difference between a stepping-stone and a stumbling block can be when you see it.

It is hard to understand how a cemetery raised its burial charges and blamed it on the cost of living.

Killed - Personality Incompatibility

Optimists believe we live on the greatest world. Pessimists believe this is true.

Compromise: the art of dividing a cake so that everybody believes he or she got the biggest piece.

Don’t be irreplaceable; if you cannot be replaced, you cannot be promoted.

Age is a question of mind over matter. If you don’t mind, it don’t matter.

“#define QUESTION ((bb) || !(bb))” — Shakespeare

The best computer is a man, and it’s the only one that can be mass-produced by unskilled labour.

If Bill Gates had a nickel for every time Windows crashed... oh wait, he does.

If you can’t convince them, confuse them.

If you’re not confused, you’re not paying attention.

I can please only one person per day. Today is not your day. Tomorrow isn’t looking good either.

Succeed in spite of management. Aim Low; Reach Your Goals, Avoid Disappointment.

I generally avoid temptation unless I can’t resist it.

Does your train of thought have a caboose?

They told me I had type A blood, but it was a Type O

Some people are going to leave a mark on this world, while others will leave a stain.

Progress was all right. Only it went on too long.

Comedy is tragedy plus time.

In a Copenhagen airline ticket office: We take your bags and send them in all directions.

On a tombstone: I TOLD YOU I WAS SICK

Confidence is the feeling you have before you understand the situation

“The object of war is not to die for your country but to make the other bastard die for his.” – General George Patton

The sooner you fall behind the more time you’ll have to catch up.

“Life is a waste of time, time is a waste of life, so get wasted all of the time and have the time of your life”. — Tom Waits

“I’ve been on a calendar but I have never been on time” – Marilyn Monroe

Everything is possible; just not too probable.

If it’s true that we are here to help others, then what exactly are the others here for?

One day I will get this peer guy and reset his connection.

There are two kinds of people, those who finish what they start, and so on.

A backwards poet writes inverse.

The second day of a diet is alway easier than the first. By the second day, you’re off it.

Confidence is the feeling you have before you understand the situation.

Energizer Bunny arrested: Charged with battery.

Well if this is the wrong number, why did you answer it?

In the beginning, God created earth and rested. Then God created man and rested. Then God created woman. Since then, neither God nor man has rested.

How do you keep an Irishman busy? Write P.T.O on both sides of a piece of paper.

Tell me what you need, and I’ll tell you how to get along without it.

If I were two-faced, would I be wearing this one?

Constipated People Don’t Give A Crap.

“Einstein argued that there must be simplified explanations of nature, because God is not capricious or arbitrary. No such faith comforts the software engineer.” — Fred Brooks.

When your IQ reaches 80 –– sell.

Lord, if you won’t make me skinny, please make all my friends fat.

“I worked in a pet shop and people kept asking how big I’d get” — Rodney Dangerfield

Cheer up, the worst is yet to come.

“C++ : Where friends have access to your private members.” — Gavin Russell Baker.

Anything not nailed down is mine. Anything I can pry loose is not nailed down.

I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol.

Every time I look at you I get a fierce desire to be lonesome.

Military intelligence is a contradiction in terms.

That which cannot be taken apart will fall apart.

A synonym is a word you use when you can’t spell the word you first thought of.

“Oh dear,” said God, “I hadn’t thought of that,” and promptly vanished in a puff of logic.

Never buy a car you can’t push.

When you do not know what you are doing, do it neatly.

“Your mouse has moved. Windows must be restarted for the change to take effect. Reboot now ? [OK]”

If the human brain were so simple that we could understand it, we would be so simple we couldn’t.

If you’re not wasted, the day is.

Never put off until tomorrow what you can avoid altogether.

I have a simple philosophy. Fill what’s empty. Empty what’s full. Scratch where it itches.

All men are equal. Some are just more equal than others.

Age always corresponds inversely to the size of your multivitamin.

It used to be only death and taxes were inevitable. Now, of course, there’s shipping and handling, too.

I don’t have an attitude problem. You have a perception problem.

A cartoonist was found dead in his home. Details are sketchy.

We’ve made great medical progress in the last generation. What used to be merely an itch is now an allergy.

I wished the buck stopped here, as I could use a few.

“Auntie Em: hate you, hate Kansas, taking the dog.” – Dorothy

God must love stupid people, he made so many.

Genius is 1% inspiration, and 99% perspiration.

What if there were no hypothetical questions?

Money is better than poverty, if only for financial reasons.

People can be divided into three groups: Those who make things happen, those who watch things happen, and those who wonder what happened.

To find out a girl’s faults, praise her to her girl friends.

If we don’t succeed, we run the risk of failure.

“He has been given a large brain by mistake, since for him the spinal cord would fully suffice.” — Albert Einstein

This comment is printed on 100% recycled electrons.

Moderation in all things, including moderation.

It is well to remember the entire population of the universe, with one trifling exception, is composed of others.

I was the next door kid’s imaginary friend.

Living is not worth dying for.

Instead of getting married again, I’m going to find a woman I don’t like and just give her a house.—Rod Stewart

“The web is a dominatrix. Every where I turn, I see little buttons ordering me to Submit.” — Nytwind.

If a job is worth doing well get someone else to do it.

When in doubt, mumble.

A clean tie attracts the soup of the day.

My mind not only wanders, sometimes it leaves completely.

Some people are alive only because it’s illegal to kill them.

“You, you and you: panic. The rest of you, come with me.”

Don’t marry for money. You can borrow it cheaper.

You look like a million dollars. All green and wrinkled.

Some pain is physical, and some is mental, but one that’s both is dental.

Money is flat and meant to be piled up. – Scottish Proverb

I used to be a Kleptomaniac, But now I’m taking something for it

The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.

How Many Roads Must A Man Travel Down Before He Admits He Is Lost?

The trouble with our times is that the future is not what it used to be.

Partying... oops No Only Parting... sorry

If everything is coming your way, you are probably in the wrong lane.

I have gone to look for myself, if I should return before I get back, keep me here.

The dictionary is the only place where success comes before work.

Sometimes I wake up grumpy; other times I let her sleep

Better to remain silent and be thought a fool, than to speak and remove all doubt.

The short fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.

If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?

Time is God’s way of keeping everything from happening at once.

Raising teenagers is like trying to nail Jell-O to a tree.

It’s strange, isn’t it. You stand in the middle of a library and go aaaaagghhhh’ and everyone just stares at you. But you do the same thing on an aeroplane, and everyone joins in.

The things that come to those that wait may be the things left by those who got there first.

Men have a much better time of it than women; for one thing, they marry later; for another thing they die earlier.

A drop of ink may make a million think.

Men occasionally stumble over the truth, but most of them pick themselves up and hurry off as if nothing had happened. – Winston Churchill

I am not a vegetarian because I love animals; I am a vegetarian because I hate plants.

Illiterate? Write For Help.

Being in the army is like being in the Boy Scouts, except that the Boy Scouts have adult supervision.

Jokes about German sausage are the wurst.

Hypochondria is the only disease I haven’t got.

Who is General Failure and why is he reading my hard disk?

He who laughs last thinks slowest.

The chance of a piece of bread falling with the buttered side down is directly proportional to the cost of the carpet.

It doesn’t matter what temperature the room is; it’s always room temperature.

Don’t Be Sexist – Broads Hate That.

Roses are red, Violets are blue. In Soviet Russia, Poems write you.

To err is human – and to blame it on a computer is even more so.

Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.

A great many people think they are thinking when they are merely rearranging their prejudices.

I know a guy who is addicted to brake fluid. He says he can stop anytime.

Men are from earth. Women are from earth. Deal with it.

99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.

Man does not live by words alone, despite the fact that sometimes he has to eat them.

In democracy it’s your vote that counts. In feudalism it’s your count that votes.

Perhaps you’re diagonally parked in a parallel universe?

Consciousness: that annoying time between naps.

It’s just a job. Grass grows, birds fly, waves pound the sand. I just beat people up. – Muhammad Ali

Life... I don’t get it...

Money can’t buy happiness, but it sure makes misery easier to live with.

Don’t look back. Something may be gaining on you.

Next time you wave, use all your fingers.

I love being married. It’s so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.

I tried sniffing Coke once, but the ice cubes got stuck in my nose.

From the moment I picked your book up until I laid it down I was convulsed with laughter. Some day I intend reading it.

It is hard enough to remember my opinions, without also remembering my reasons for them!

Eat a live toad first thing in the morning, and nothing worse can happen to you the rest of the day.

Early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.

Half of the people in the world are below average.

If con is the opposite of pro, congress is the opposite of progress.

If it’s 0 degrees today and it’s going to be twice as cold tomorrow... how cold will it be?

If a woman has to choose between catching a fly ball and saving an infant’s life, she will choose to save the infant’s life without even considering if there is a man on base.—Dave Barry

Impotence: Nature’s Way Of Saying “No Hard Feelings”.

Seeing a murder on television...will help work off one’s antagonisms. And if you haven’t any antagonisms, the commercials will give you some.

I’m reading a book about anti-gravity. I can’t put it down.

Those who can laugh without cause have either found the true meaning of happiness or have gone stark raving mad.

Eagles may soar, but weasels don’t get sucked into jet engines.

Hang in there; retirement is only thirty years away.

“People who drink light beer don’t like the taste of beer; they just like to pee a lot” — Rodney Dangerfield

I tried to photograph the fog, but I mist.

Eagles may soar, but weasels don’t get sucked into jet engines.

“When in doubt tell the truth.”—Mark Twain

My mind works like lightning. One brilliant flash and it is gone.

Only a fool is astonished by the foolishness of humankind.

I’m an apathetic sociopath – I’d kill you if I cared.

If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?

Love is like an hourglass, with the heart filling up as the brain empties.

A diplomatic husband said to his wife, how do you expect me to remember your birthday when you never look any older?

I heard a man say that brigands demand your money or your life, whereas women require both.

Get a new car for your spouse – it’ll be a great trade!

People don’t grow up; they just learn how to act in public.

“I wish everyone was peaceful. Then I could take over the planet with a butter knife”—Dogbert

If trees could scream, would we be so cavalier about cutting them down? We might, if they screamed all the time, for no good reason.

I majored in liberal arts. Will that be for here or to go?

An Apple a day keeps the doctor away. But... an onion a day keeps everyone away.

A bird in the hand is safer than one overhead.

Everybody is ignorant, only on different subjects.

Life is complex: it has real and imaginary parts.

“I have left orders to be awakened at any time in case of national emergency – even if I’m in a Cabinet meeting.” – Ronald Reagan

Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way when you criticize them, you are a mile away from them and you have their shoes.

Macho Law prohibits me from admitting I’m wrong.

Never put both feet in your mouth at the same time, because then you don’t have a leg to stand on.

Booze is the answer. I don’t remember the question.

A conscience does not prevent sin. It only prevents you from enjoying it.

I either want less corruption, or more chance to participate in it.

Cheerfulness is contagious, but don’t wait to catch it from others. Be a carrier.

“Are you going to come quietly, or do I have to use earplugs?”—Vale Spike Milligan

Remember... Marriage is the number one cause of divorce. Statistically, 100% of all divorces started with marriage.

Everybody is ignorant, only on different subjects.

My favorite mythical creature? The honest politician.

A committee is a body that keeps minutes and wastes hours.

Procrastinate Now!

If a President doesn’t do it to his wife, he’ll do it to his country.

Accept that some days you’re the pigeon, and some days you’re the statue.

Tips for Vegetarians: Hit a chicken enough times and it turns into a vegetable.

Plan to be spontaneous tomorrow.

Whenever I feel like exercise, I lie down until the feeling passes.

Work expands to fill the time available. — PARKINSON’S LAW

I’ve been trying for some time to develop a life style that doesn’t require my presence.

It has recently been discovered that research causes cancer in rats.

Whenever there is any doubt, there is no doubt.

How do you get an Irishman to burn his ear? Ring him up while he is ironing.

Chaos, panic, & disorder – my work here is done.

I’m in no shape to exercise.

“Everyday I beat my own previous record for number of consecutive days I’ve stayed alive.”

I married my wife for her looks... but not the ones she’s been giving me lately!

“A patriot must always be ready to defend his country against his government”. — Edward Abbey

Insanity is hereditary; you can get it from your children.

What’s another word for Thesaurus?

Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying of nothing.

A day without sun shine is like, you know, night.

Hard work never killed anybody but why take the chance?

Quantum mechanics: The dreams stuff is made of.

A team effort is a lot of people doing what I say

Solitude is fine, but you need someone to tell you that solitude is fine.

On the plus side, death is one of the few things that can be done just as easily as lying down.

Don’t use a big word where a diminutive one will suffice.

As the light changed from red to green to yellow and back to red again, I sat there thinking about life. Was it nothing more than a bunch of honking and yelling? Sometimes it seemed that way.

Promises are like babies: fun to make, but hell to deliver.

If you think nobody cares if you’re alive, try missing a couple of car payments.

I’m not dumb; I just have a command of thoroughly useless information.

If someone with multiple personalities threatens suicide... is it considered a hostage situation?

Cluster bombing from B-52s is very, very accurate – the bombs always hit the ground.

I laugh in the face of danger, except if I’m involved.

I envy people who drink – at least they know what to blame everything on.

If automobiles had followed the same development cycle as the computer, a Rolls Royce would today cost $100, get a million miles per gallon, and explode once a year, killing everyone inside.

I think that’s how Chicago got started. A bunch of people in New York said, “Gee, I’m enjoying the crime and the poverty, but it just isn’t cold enough. Let’s go west.”—Richard Jeni

In elementary school, in case of fire, you have to line up quietly in a single file line from smallest to tallest. What is the logic? Do tall people burn slower?

“There are only two things that are infinite: the universe and human stupidity. And I’m not sure about the universe.” A. Einstein

Knowledge is the key, but where is the damn lock?

I don’t suffer from stress. I’m a carrier.

I started out with nothing, and I still have most of it.

Good judgement comes from experience. Experience comes from bad judgement.

Nick Overruled - Democratic Majority Decision

“The best thing about the future is that it comes only one day at a time.” – Abraham Lincoln

When I was a boy I was told that anybody could become president; I’m beginning to believe it.

I’m not into working out. My philosophy: No pain, no pain.

If you want a committed man, look in a mental hospital.

Time’s fun when you’re having flies... Kermit the Frog

Bigamy is having one wife too many. Monogamy is the same. – Oscar Wilde

As a final incentive before giving up a difficult task, try to imagine it successfully accomplished by someone you violently dislike.

If you do not make dust, you eat dust.

Why is the man that invests your money called a broker?

“I’ve noticed that everyone who is for abortion has already been born.” – Ronald Reagan

We are going on a field trip to the Coca-Cola factory. I hope there are no pop quizzes.

There are only three kinds of people; people who can count and people who can’t.

Red Tape Holds Up New Bridge!

I get enough exercise just pushing my luck.

Jokes about German sausage are the wurst.

Cole’s Law: Thinly sliced cabbage.

He’s not dead, he’s electroencephalographically challenged.

The most precious thing we have is life. Yet it has absolutely no trade-in value.

Eschew obfuscation.

All the toilets in New York’s police stations have been stolen. The police have nothing to go on.

Work: It isn’t just for sleeping anymore.

He does the work of three men: Larry, Moe and Curly.

I love work; it fascinates me; I can sit and watch it for hours.

I wonder how much deeper would the ocean be without sponges.

I am obviously right, and as you disagree with me, then logically you must be wrong.

I’m not afraid of heights, only widths.

If life was fair, Elvis would be alive and all the impersonators would be dead.

Somewhere on this globe, every ten seconds, is a woman giving birth to a child. She must be found and stopped.

Any ship can be a minesweeper... once.

Anything’s possible... apart from skiing through a revolving door.

“Thinking is the hardest work there is, which is probably why so few engage in it”. — Henry Ford

Early to rise, early to bed, makes a man healthy but socially dead.

I’d explain it to you, but your brain would explode.

What happens if you get scared half to death twice?

There are two types of people in this world, good and bad. The good sleep better, but the bad seem to enjoy the waking hours much more.

What does a clock do when it’s hungry? It goes back four seconds.

People with narrow minds usually have broad tongues.

Modesty is a virtue of fools.

My husband says I never listen to him (at least I think that’s what he said)

The scientific theory I like best is that the rings of Saturn are composed entirely of lost airline luggage.

It is a small world, but I wouldn’t like to have to paint it.

Don’t talk unless you can improve the silence.

Experience is simply the name we give our mistakes.

Never argue with an idiot. They drag you down to their level then beat you with experience.

Authority makes some people grow – and others just swell.

The more time you spend in reporting on what you are doing, the less time you have to do it in. Stability is achieved when you spend all your time doing nothing but reporting on the nothing you are doing.

It’s hard to face the problem, when the problem is your face.

The only difference between Genius and Insanity... is success.

Englishmen never will be slaves: they are free to do whatever the Government and public opinion allow them to do.

Tip the world over on its side and everything loose will land in Los Angeles.

Show me a piano falling down a mineshaft and I’ll show you A-flat minor.

There’s a fine line between genius and insanity. I have erased this line.

If olive oil comes from olives, where does baby oil come from?

Marathon runners with bad footwear suffer the agony of defeat.

Why is it that doctors call what they do “practice”?

An egotist is a person of low taste—more interested in himself than in me.

If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?

I don’t believe in astrology. I am a Sagittarius and we’re very skeptical. ~ Arthur C. Clarke

Where you stand depends on where you sit.

“Banking establishments are more dangerous than standing armies”. — Thomas Jefferson

Technology is a way of organizing the universe so that man doesn’t have to experience it.

Politicians are people who, when they see the light at the end of the tunnel, go out and buy more tunnel.

Make sure your mind isn’t so open that your brains fall out.

Honest criticism is hard to take, particularly from a relative, a friend, an acquaintance, or a stranger.

“I have never let my schooling interfere with my education.”—Mark Twain

Where there’s a will, I want to be in it.

Caution – Driver Legally Blonde!

“I think there is a world market for maybe five computers.” — Thomas Watson, chairman of IBM, 1943.

Never underestimate the power of very stupid people in large groups.

Cleverly Disguised As A Responsible Adult.

Why do we wash bath towels, aren’t we clean when we use them?

How can you come out of a closet if you never went in there in the first place?

I have the body of a GOD – Buddha.

Seen it all, done it all, can’t remember most of it.

It is a fitting irony that under Richard Nixon, ‘launder’ became a dirty word.

“When you starve with a tiger, the tiger starves last”. — Griffin’s Thought

Birthdays are good for you. Statistics show that the people who have the most live the longest.

It’s not true that married men live longer than single men. It only seems longer.

Blessed are the young, for they shall inherit the national debt.

Hemp is a herb. Bush is a dope.

Sheep don’t fly so much as plummet.

I don’t meet competition. I crush it

I majored in liberal arts. Will that be for here or to go?

What sane person could live in this world and not be crazy?

I don’t enjoy computer jokes; not one bit.

I’m out of my mind, but feel free to leave a message.

If at first you don’t succeed, destroy all the evidence that you tried.

Someday we’ll look back on all this and plow into the back of a parked car.

Just because your head is the biggest doesn’t mean it contains the right ideas.

Stupidity is not a handicap! Park somewhere else!

No problem is so big and complicated that it can’t be ran away from.

I don’t like people who take drugs... Customs Officers for example.

I like children. Properly cooked.

I haven’t spoken to my wife for 18 months: I don’t like to interrupt her.

I have had more trouble with myself than with any other man I’ve met.

“A girl phoned me the other day and said... Come on over, there’s nobody home. I went over. Nobody was home” — Rodney Dangerfield

Sex on television can’t hurt you unless you fall off.

Abel Tasman on discovering Tasmania, “Too far south for spices and too close to the rim of the earth to be inhabited by anything but freaks and monsters”

Smith & Wesson — the original point and click interface.

I can resist everything except temptation.

You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They left a little note on the windscreen, it said ‘Parking Fine.’

Applying computer technology is simply finding the right wrench to pound in the correct screw.

In the beginning, there was nothing. Then God said, “Let there be light,” and there was still nothing, but you could see it.

Everybody lies, but it doesn’t matter since nobody listens.

Laugh at your problems; everybody else does.

Democracy is a process by which people are free to choose the man who will get the blame.

I take everything I can for my kleptomania.

My girlfriend told me I should be more affectionate. So I got two more girlfriends.

You can say any foolish thing to a dog, and the dog will give you a look that says, “My God, you’re right! I never would’ve thought of that!”

Once, during prohibition, I was forced to live for days on nothing but food and water.

All those who believe in psycho kinesis raise my hand.

In the office of a Roman doctor: Specialist in women and other diseases.

Save the whales. Collect the whole set.

Wine divulges truth.

Shin: a device for finding furniture in the dark.

When you come to a fork in the road, take it.

Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?

He who trains his tongue to quote the learned sages, will be known far and wide as a smart ass.

I am a nobody, nobody is perfect, therefore I’m perfect.

The truth is a precious commodity. That’s why I use it so sparingly.

Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy.

Everything you like is bad for you in some way.

Man who run behind car get exhausted.

I plead contemporary insanity.

Even paranoids have real enemies.

“Every mighty oak was once just a nut who stood his ground.”

Whenever people agree with me, I always feel I must be wrong.

A study in the Washington Post says that women have better verbal skills than men. I just want to say to the authors of that study: “Duh.”— Conan O’Brien

You have to stay in shape. My grandmother, she started walking five miles a day when she was 60. She’s 97 today and we don’t know where the hell she is.

Democracy is the recurrent suspicion that more than half of the people are right more than half of the time.

If a man opens a car door for a woman, either the car is new or the woman.

Stupidity is not a handicap. Park elsewhere!

Is there life before death?

“There are two major products that come out of Berkeley: LSD and UNIX. We don’t believe this to be a coincidence.” — Jeremy S. Anderson

The world is full of willing people; some willing to work, the rest willing to let them.

Ever stop to think and forget to start again?

If puns were outlawed, only outlaws would have puns.

When Chemists die, they barium.

“Inconceivable!” “I do not think that word means what you think it means.”

It’s not that I’m afraid to die; I just don’t want to be there when it happens.

When angry count four, when very angry, swear.

When all other means of communication fail, try words.

Half our life is spent trying to find something to do with the time we have rushed through life trying to save.

Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.

Laughing stock: cattle with a sense of humour.

Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

Despite the cost of living it’s still very popular.

A soldier who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran.

The sooner you fall behind the more time you’ll have to catch up.

Fundamentalism: Believe in a kind, loving God or we’ll kill you!

An army of deer led by a lion is more to be feared than an army of lions led by a deer.

So Many Pedestrians – So Little Time.

Proofread carefully to see if you any words out.

A hangover is the wrath of grapes.

I changed my iPod’s name to Titanic. It’s syncing now.

Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.

In a Rome laundry: Ladies, leave your clothes here and spend the afternoon having a good time.

Everybody is somebody else’s weirdo.

In a Budapest zoo: Please do not feed the animals. If you have any suitable food, give it to the guard on duty.

Five out of four people have trouble with fractions.

Originality is the fine art of remembering what you hear, but forgetting where you heard it.

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“On two occasions I have been asked [by members of Parliament!]: ‘Pray, Mr. Babbage, if you put into the machine wrong figures, will the right answers come out ?’ I am not able rightly to apprehend the kind of confusion of ideas that could provoke such a question.” — Charles Babbage.

On the other hand you have different fingers.

Support bacteria – they’re the only culture some people have.

I stayed up all night to see where the sun went. Then it dawned on me.

Being single is like a vacuum. It sucks when you are turned on.

Snowmen fall from Heaven unassembled.

If you can stay calm, while all around you is chaos... then you probably haven’t completely understood the situation.

Heck is where people go who don’t believe in gosh.

When in trouble, fear or doubt, run in circles, scream and shout.

Why is it that to stop Windows, you have to click on “Start”?

The shortest distance between two points is under construction.

If the world should blow itself up, the last audible voice would be that of an expert saying it can’t be done.

IRS: We’ve got what it takes to take what you’ve got.

Honk if you love peace and quiet.

I like kids, but I don’t think I could eat a whole one.

The doctor can bury his mistakes but an architect can only advise his client to plant vines.

I had some words with my wife, and she had some paragraphs with me.

Pardon my driving, I am reloading.

Everyone needs belief in something. I believe I’ll have another beer.

Marriage changes passion... suddenly you’re in bed with a relative.

It is said that if you line up all the cars in the world end to end, someone would be stupid enough to try and pass them.

A poor excuse is like an old bucket; doesn’t matter what shape it is in, as long as it holds water.

Be nice to your kids. They’ll choose your nursing home.

Most vegetarians look so much like the food they eat that they can be classified as cannibals.

They say you only use ten percent of your brain. What about the other ten?

I’m sorry; you cannot have an outlook on life because it isn’t responding. Microsoft apologises for any inconvenience.

I’m desperately trying to figure out why kamikaze pilots wore helmets.

Borrow money from pessimists- they don’t expect to get it back.

I don’t want to achieve immortality through my work. I want to achieve immortality through not dying.

This guy walks into a bar and the barman says “Ouch, that must have hurt”

Nobody can be exactly like me. Even I have trouble doing it.

Chipped dishes never break.

Anyone who told you to be yourself couldn’t have given you worse advice.

Velcro — what a rip off!

“My wife made me join a bridge club. I jump off next Tuesday” — Rodney Dangerfield

Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?

There is no such thing as an underestimate of average intelligence

“They say hard work never hurt anybody, but I figure why take the chance.” – Ronald Reagan

Man who run in front of car get tired.

If it weren’t for electricity we’d all be watching television by candlelight?

Everyone hates me because I’m paranoid.

I did a theatrical performance about puns. It was a play on words.

The early bird gets the worm, but the early worm gets eaten.

You’re such an inspiration for the way I’ll never choose to be.

Take my advice, I don’t use it anyway.

I have spent my whole life looking for the perfect woman, and now I’ve found her. Too bad she’s looking for the perfect man.

111,111,111 x 111,111,111 = 12,345,678,987,654,321

The amount of work to be done increases in proportion to the amount of work already completed. — VAIL’S SECOND AXIOM

I have great faith in fools; my friends call it self-confidence.

The number of people watching you is directly proportional to the stupidity of your action.

Mind like a steel trap – rusty and illegal in most states.

Latest survey shows that 3 out of 4 people make up 75% of the world’s population.

“You can always count on Americans to do the right thing—after they’ve tried everything else” – Winston Churchill

Quantum: Noun, word used to sound like I know what I’m talking about while discussing physics I’ve never actually studied.

Needing someone is like needing a parachute. If he isn’t there the first time you need him, chances are you won’t be needing him again.

If at first you do succeed, try to hide your astonishment.

Always try to be modest and be proud of it!

He’s so lazy. I’ve seen him step into a revolving door and wait.

What do you call a dinosaur with an extensive vocabulary? A thesaurus.

Why is it called tourist season if we can’t shoot at them?

By the time a man realises that his father was right, he has a son who thinks he’s wrong.

We waste time, so you don’t have to.

An Irish man was driving to the airport when he saw a sign saying ‘Airport – Left’... So he went home.

Remember, half the people you know are below average.

This girl said she recognized me from the vegetarian club, but I’d never met herbivore

Humour. It is a difficult concept. It is not logical.

It is not what a teenager knows that bothers his parents. It is how he found out.

Don’t stop to stomp on ants when the elephants are stampeding.

“How can a president not be an actor?” – when asked “How could an actor become president?” – Ronald Reagan

Why is the third hand on the watch called a second hand?

Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?

A printer consists of three main parts: the case, the jammed paper tray and the blinking red light

Foolproof systems don’t take into account the ingenuity of fools.

If you don’t know where you are going, you will wind up somewhere else.

Climbers aim for the summit because it is there. Bungi jumpers dive off the top because they aren’t all there.

It’s bad luck to be superstitious.

Don’t use a big word where a diminutive one will suffice.

Experience is something you do not get until just after you need it.

Under capitalism, man exploits man. Under Communism, it’s just the opposite.

If it weren’t for the last minute, nothing would ever get done.

Pick your friends but not to pieces.

I’ve always wanted to be normal, but lately I’ve come to suspect that this is it.

I hate women because they always know where things are.

I had amnesia once or twice.

We Quit Voting Will They All Go Away?

Well, if I called the wrong number, why did you answer the phone?

What Has Four Legs And An Arm? A Happy Pit Bull.

If I’d known I was going to live this long, I’d have taken better care of myself.

My parents stayed together for forty years, but that was out of spite.

Sometimes I think the surest sign that intelligent life exists elsewhere in the universe is that none of it has tried to contact us.

In a Norwegian cocktail lounge: Ladies are requested not to have children in the bar.

You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.

We have two ends. One for sitting and one for thinking. Our success depends on which one we use most.

When life hands you a lemon, make lemonade.

Broken pencils are pointless.

To define recursion, we must first define recursion.

The illegal we do immediately. The unconstitutional takes a little longer. – Henry Kissinger

I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.

When he first ran for office, he appealed to the voters: “I never stole anything in my life. All I ask is a chance.”

My husband and I divorced over religious differences... He thought he was God and I didn’t.

Lead us not into temptation. Just tell us where it is; we’ll find it.

Well, this day was a total waste of makeup.

Some people say that I must be a horrible person, but that’s not true. I have the heart of a young boy – in a jar on my desk.

Ours is a world where people don’t know what they want and are willing to go through hell to get it.

Go the extra mile. It makes your boss look like an incompetent slacker.

We must believe in free will, we have no choice.

“Hey, I’ve got reasons for what I’m doing,” REALLY MEANS, “I sure hope I think of some pretty soon.”

A dyslexic man walks into a bra.

There are very few personal problems that cannot be solved through a suitable application of high explosives.

The man who fell into an upholstery machine is fully recovered.

Anything that can become tangled around something else, will.

I live in my own little world, but it’s ok they know me here.

“I am not worried about the deficit. It is big enough to take care of itself.” – Ronald Reagan

The human brain is a wonderful thing. It starts working the moment you are born, and never stops until you stand up to speak in public.

Every morning is the dawn of a new error.

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Plagiarism saves time.

Jack and Jill did it for the insurance.

This mind intentionally left blank

One martini is all right, two is too many, and three is not enough.

Gossip: The art of saying nothing while leaving nothing unsaid.

Anything not nailed down is a cat toy.

One should forgive one’s enemies, but not before they are hanged.

I am amazed at radio DJ’s today. I am firmly convinced that AM on my radio stands for Absolute Moron. I will not begin to tell you what FM stands for.

Marriage is not a word; it is a sentence.

If you don’t learn to laugh at troubles, you won’t have anything to laugh at when you grow old.

Why were the Indians here first? They had reservations.

Half of being smart is knowing what you are dumb at.

Madness takes its toll. Please have exact change.

If sex is such a natural phenomenon, how come there are so many books on how to do it.

Lots of people know a good thing the minute the other fellow sees it first.

When you get a bladder infection, urine trouble.

Last night I lay in bed looking up at the stars in the sky and I thought to myself, “Where the heck is the ceiling?”

Outside of a dog, a book is probably man’s best friend, and inside of a dog, it’s too dark to read.

Ninety-nine per cent of the people in the world are fools and the rest of us are in great danger of contagion.

At the age of six I wanted to be a cook. At seven I wanted to be Napoleon. And my ambition has been growing steadily ever since.

My reality check just bounced.

Cab drivers are living proof that practice does not make perfect.

How do you sink an Irish Submarine? Knock on the hatch.

Plato is dead, Einstein is dead, and I’m not feeling too good myself...

“There is no reason anyone would want a computer in their home.” — Ken Olson, founder of Digital Equipment Corp., 1977.

Marriage is a three-ring circus: engagement ring, wedding ring, and suffering.

Be careful when reading health books; you may die of a misprint.

If the French were really intelligent, they’d speak English.

To B or not to B? *kills the B* I HATE BEES!!!! – LynxofCP

Years ago fairy tales began with “Once upon a time...” Now it’s “If I am elected...”

Democracy is a government where you can say what you think even if you don’t think.

Is Disney World the only people trap operated by a mouse?

“Heavier-than-air flying machines are impossible.” — Lord Kelvin, president, Royal Society, 1895.

For people who like peace and quiet – a phoneless cord.

There are three ways to get something done: do it yourself, hire someone, or forbid your kids to do it.

When I’m not in my right mind, my left mind gets pretty crowded

Oh, don’t fuss. I just cut myself. It’s no big deal,” REALLY MEANS, “I have actually severed a limb, but will bleed to death before I admit I’m hurt.”

If people concentrated on the really important things in life, there’d be a shortage of fishing poles.

In a Tokyo shop: Our nylons cost more than common, but you’ll find they are best in the long run.

I used to think I was indecisive, but now I’m not sure.

What’s the definition of a will? (It’s a dead giveaway).

I always wanted to be a procrastinator, never got around to it though.

I hope that after I die, people will say of me: “That guy sure owed me a lot of money.”

It’s important to be open-minded, but not SO open-minded that your brains fall out.

INDECISION is the key to FLEXIBILITY.

Always remember you’re unique, just like everyone else.

Horn broken. Watch for finger. (on bumper sticker)

Maybe I’m lucky to be going so slowly, because I may be going in the wrong direction.

A bird does not sing because it has an answer—it sings because it has a song.

I want to die peacefully in my sleep like my grandfather, not screaming in abject horror like his passengers.

“Reader, suppose you were an idiot. And suppose you were a member of Congress. But I repeat myself”. — Mark Twain

Any task worth doing was worth doing yesterday.

An egotist has one point in his favour – he doesn’t go round talking about other people.

I couldn’t repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.

What hair color do they put on the driver’s licenses of bald men?

A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a train stops. On my desk I have a workstation...

“How come we choose from just two people to run for president and 50 for Miss America?”

The trouble with jogging is that, by the time you realise you’re not in shape for it, it’s far too far to walk back.

If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?

A bargain is something you don’t need at a price you can’t resist.

I love deadlines. I especially like the whooshing sound they make as they go flying by.

A guy got arrested for playing the guitar. He was fingering a minor.

If I were someone who knew something, who could I tell that would believe me?

AIBOHPHOBIA – the fear of palindromes.

Prediction is extremely difficult. Especially about the future.

It’s easy to quit smoking... I’ve done it over 10,000 times.

I took a speed reading course and read ‘War and Peace’ in twenty minutes. It involves Russia. Enough women for four.

A person who smiles in the face of adversity... probably has a scapegoat.

Slow is when someone laps you in the hundred-yard dash

If you want your spouse to listen and pay strict attention to every word you say, talk in your sleep.

How do you know if a fish is Irish? It has drowned.

Doctor, Doctor You’ve got to help me – I just can’t stop my hands shaking. Do you drink a lot? Not really – I spill most of it!

TEAMWORK... means never having to take all the blame yourself.

Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7th of your life.

If you can’t beat your computer at chess, try kickboxing.

A pessimist is a man who has been compelled to live with an optimist

Youth is a wonderful thing. What a crime to waste it on children.

I installed a skylight in my apartment. The people who live above me are furious.

Bacteria: the only culture some people have.

Before you give a colleague a piece of your mind, be sure you can spare it.

Someone sent me a postcard picture of the earth. On the back it said, “Wish you were here.”

Before marriage, a man yearns for the woman he loves. After marriage, the ‘Y’ becomes silent.

If at first you don’t succeed, try management.

I was at a bar nursing a beer. My nipple was getting quite soggy.

The trouble with the rat race is that even if you win, you’re still a rat.

I don’t have a solution but I admire the problem.

Programmer – A red-eyed, mumbling mammal capable of conversing with inanimate objects.

Connection Reset By Aboriginal With Wire Cutters

I thought I wanted a career, turns out I just wanted paychecks.

Even crime wouldn’t pay if the government ran it.

Sheep don’t fly so much as plummet.

I married Miss Right. I just didn’t know her first name was Always.

Remember half the people you know are below average.

Nothing means nothing, but it isn’t really nothing because nothing is something that isn’t.

I have noticed that the people who are late are often so much jollier that the people who have to wait for them.

Streakers beware: Your end is in sight.

Conscience is the inner voice warning us that someone may be looking.

Time flies like an arrow – fruit flies like a banana.

Santa’s helpers are subordinate clauses.

People who think they know everything are annoying to those of us who do.

In this world, nothing is certain but death and taxes. – Benjamin Franklin

No sense being pessimistic, it probably wouldn’t work anyway.

Anywhere is walking distance, if you’ve got the time.

Love is blind, but marriage is a real eye-opener.

Artificial Intelligence is no match for Natural Stupidity.

If you’re born again, do you have two bellybuttons?

I always wanted to be somebody, but I should have been more specific.

I don’t approve of political jokes... I’ve seen too many of them get elected.

A bachelor is a man who comes to work from a different direction each morning.

When a clock is hungry, it goes back four seconds.

I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.

Just because you’re not paranoid doesn’t mean they’re not out to get you.

You can always spot a well-informed man – his views are the same as yours.

Shin: a device for finding furniture in the dark.

There are 10 types of people in the world: Those who understand binary, and those who don’t.

Not all men are annoying. Some are dead.

Man who eat many prunes get good run for money.

If you don’t know where you are going, you might wind up someplace else.

Venison for dinner again? Oh deer!

Age is a very high price to pay for maturity.

How did Moses make his tea? Hebrews it.

Haunted French pancakes give me the crêpes.

I love cats – they taste just like chicken.

My life has a superb cast but I can’t figure out the plot.

I intend to live forever – so far, so good.

I think animal testing is a terrible idea; they get all nervous and give the wrong answers.

Some people are alive only because it’s illegal to kill them.

Bachelors know more about women than married men; if they didn’t they’d be married too.

Men’s faults are many, women have only two. Everything they say, and everything they do.

I’m an idealist: I don’t know where I’m going, but I’m on my way.

You’re not drunk if you can lie on the floor without holding on.

If vegetable oil comes from vegetables, where does baby oil come from?

I don’t suffer from stress. I’m a carrier.

If you try and don’t succeed, cheat. Repeat until caught. Then lie.

If we aren’t supposed to eat animals, why are they made of meat?

Allow me to introduce my selves.

If you don’t pay your exorcist you get repossessed.

Being a philosopher, I have a problem for every solution.

If quizzes are quizzical, what are tests?

You’ll never get to heaven if you’re scared of getting high.

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Advertisement for donkey rides in Thailand: Would you like to ride on your own ass?

I dropped out of communism class because of lousy Marx.

Doctor, Doctor I keep getting pains in the eye when I drink coffee. Have you tried taking the spoon out?

Bacteria: the only culture some people have.

My schoolmates would make love to anything that moved, but I never saw any reason to limit myself.

If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?

He often broke into song because he couldn’t find the key.

The dumber people think you are, the more surprised they’re going to be when you kill them—Rodney Dangerfield

I’m quite easy to get along with, once you learn to beckon at my every call and yield to all my desires.

Friends may come and go, but enemies accumulate

Time is a great teacher, but unfortunately it kills all its pupils.

I didn’t like my beard at first. Then it grew on me.

“This report, by its very length, defends itself against the risk of being read”. — Winston Churchill

I think, therefore I am single.

Of course, we are all worms—but I like to think, at least, that I am a glow-worm. – Winston Churchill

I don’t necessarily agree with everything I say.

He who smiles in a crisis has found someone to blame.

It is not my interest to pay the principal, nor my principal to pay the interest.

I took an IQ test and the results were negative.

“I’d rather have a bottle in front of me, than a frontal lobotomy”. — Tom Waits

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Why does Sea World have a seafood restaurant? I’m halfway through my fish burger and I realize, Oh my gosh... I could be eating a slow learner.

Everybody has a photographic memory. Some don’t have film.

“My computer NEVER loc

One good turn gets most of the blankets.

A dog that attends a flea circus most likely will steal the whole show.

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I fear my inferiority complex is not as good as yours.

The trouble with life is there’s no background music.

Why don’t you ever see the headline “Psychic Wins Lottery”?

Honesty is the best policy, but insanity is a better defence.

I often quote myself; it adds spice to my conversation.

“As a matter of fact” is an expression that precedes many an expression that isn’t.

The art of flying is to throw yourself at the ground and miss.

“Always in motion the future is. Seasick it makes me. That’s why so green I am”. – Yoda

Women like silent men. They think they’re listening.

I used to think I was indecisive, but now I’m not sure.

If ever I get married again it would have to be under an anaesthetic.

Man shoots neighbour with machete [The Miami Herald, July 3]

Anger is only one letter away from danger.

A conclusion is simply the place where you got tired of thinking.

I got a job at a bakery because I kneaded dough.

What do you call a dinosaur with an extensive vocabulary? A thesaurus.

Vote for the man who promises least; he’ll be the least disappointing.

Laugh and the world laughs with you; snore and you sleep alone.

“I could tell that my parents hated me. My bath toys were a toaster and a radio” — Rodney Dangerfield

Men don’t care what’s on TV. They only care what else is on TV.

On the keyboard of life, always keep one finger on the escape key.

Blessed are those who can laugh at themselves, they will never cease to be amused.

Outside a Hong Kong tailor shop: Ladies may have a fit upstairs.

I have kleptomania, but when it gets bad, I take something for it. ~ Robert Benchle

Always do sober what you said you’d do drunk. That will teach you to keep your mouth shut.

How do I set a laser printer to stun?

Am I getting smart with you? How would you know?

Arguing on the Internet is like competing in the Special Olympics – even if you win, you are still retarded.

If you choke a smurf, what colour does it turn?

“Then he ran into my knife. He ran into my knife ten times.” – Chicago

After all is said and done, more is said than done.

Character is what you are in the dark.

Anyone can admit they were wrong; the true test is admitting it to someone else.

The beatings will continue until morale improves.

A baby sitter is a teenager acting like an adult while the adults are out acting like teenagers.

I arise in the morning torn between a desire to improve the world and a desire to enjoy the world. This makes it hard to plan the day.

There’s a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot.

This Would Be Really Funny If It Weren’t Happening To Me.

Murphy’s Golden Rule: Whoever has the gold makes the rules.

All my life, I always wanted to be somebody. Now I see that I should have been more specific.

Two strings walk into a bar. The first string says to the bartender, “Bartender, I’ll have a beer. u.5n$x5t?*&4ru!2[sACCErJ”. The second string says, “Pardon my friend, he isn’t NULL terminated”.

“The generation of random numbers is too important to be left to chance.” — Robert R. Coveyou, Oak Ridge National Laboratory.

Just remember... if the world didn’t suck, we’d all fall off.

The earthquake in Washington obviously was the government’s fault.

To succeed in politics, it is often necessary to rise above your principles.

The day I can’t do my job drunk is the day I turn in my badge and gun.

My one regret in life is that I am not someone else.

History will be kind to me for I intend to write it. – Winston Churchill

Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian any more than going to the garage makes you a car.

The light at the end of the tunnel has been turned off due to budget cuts.

One of the greatest labour-saving inventions today is tomorrow.

You can’t have everything. Where would you put it?

Having more money doesn’t make you happier. I have 50 million dollars but I’m just as happy as when I had 48 million. ~ Arnold Schwarzenegger.

A penny saved is a Congressional spending oversight.

e=mc^2 where m = the number of cooks required to spoil the broth

Computers make it easy to do a lot of things, but most of the things that make it easier to do don’t need to be done.

Man who drive like hell bound to get there.

I used to be apathetic, but now I don’t give a damn.

I’d give my right arm to be ambidextrous.

“You have to be careful about being too careful” – Beryl Pfizer

Brain: an apparatus with which we think we think.

A procrastinator’s work is never done.

There are 3 kinds of people: those who can count and those who can’t.

If you can’t be kind, at least have the decency to be vague.

“You start coding. I’ll go find out what they want.” — Computer analyst to programmer

“Managing senior programmers is like herding cats” — Dave Platt.

The only reason some people get lost in thought is because it’s unfamiliar territory.

The surprising thing about young fools is how many survive to become old fools.

We spend the first twelve months of our children’s lives teaching them to walk and talk and the next twelve telling them to sit down and shut up.

Alcohol: the cause of, and solution to, all of life’s problems.

When you are arguing with an idiot, make sure the other person isn’t doing the same thing.

Leftists are among the first to speak of their rights.

Without question, the greatest invention in the history of mankind is beer. Oh, I grant you that the wheel was also a fine invention, but the wheel does not go nearly as well with pizza.

Hope sees the invisible, feels the intangible and achieves the impossible.

I work hard because millions on welfare depend on me.

Life is far too important to be taken seriously.

I used to be a banker, but then I lost interest.

The most powerful force in the universe is gossip.

“If builders built buildings the way programmers write programs, then the first woodpecker that came along would destroy civilization” — Weinberg’s Second Law.

Get even – live long enough to be a problem to your kids.

The fellow who thinks he knows it all is especially annoying to those of us who do.

The secret of success is sincerity. Once you can fake that you’ve got it made.

“Always be sincere, even when you don’t mean it”. — Irene Peter

Warning: Dates in Calendar are closer than they appear.

England has no kidney bank, but it does have a Liverpool.

The only perfect science is hindsight.

“Things are more like they are now than they ever were before.” – Former U.S. President Dwight D. Eisenhower

I thought I made a mistake once, but I was wrong.

Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.

There’s a difference between being open-minded and having a hole in your head

How do you spot an Irishman at a carwash? He’s the one on the bike.

It is wiser to find out than to suppose.—Mark Twain

Never go to a doctor whose office plants have died.

“If carrots are so good for the eyes, how come I see so many dead rabbits on the highway?”

For Sale: Parachute. Only used once, never opened, small stain.

Mines are equal opportunity weapons.

You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say will be misquoted then used against you.

“I believe in equality for everyone, except reporters and photographers”. — Gandhi

Brilliant, but with the social skills of a thermonuclear device.

Statistics are like bikinis – What they reveal is suggestive, but what they conceal is vital.

If at first you don’t succeed, skydiving is not your sport.

“Few things are harder to put up with than a good example.”—Mark Twain

“Reading computer manuals without the hardware is as frustrating as reading sex manuals without the software.” — Arthur C. Clarke.

I Haven’t Lost My Mind, It’s Backed Up On Disk Somewhere.

If we learn by our mistakes, some of us are getting one hell of an education!

There are two kinds of people, those who finish what they start, and so on.

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