Amusing Quotes & One-Liners

Laughing stock: cattle with a sense of humour.

“As a matter of fact” is an expression that precedes many an expression that isn’t.

Genius is 1% inspiration, and 99% perspiration.

If life was fair, Elvis would be alive and all the impersonators would be dead.

There is nothing so annoying as to have two people go right on talking when you’re interrupting.

After all is said and done, more is said than done.

I haven’t spoken to my wife for 18 months: I don’t like to interrupt her.

Next time you wave, use all your fingers.

The sooner you fall behind the more time you’ll have to catch up.

In the beginning, there was nothing. Then God said, “Let there be light,” and there was still nothing, but you could see it.

Time’s fun when you’re having flies... Kermit the Frog

“I would like to live in Manchester, England. The transition between Manchester and death would be unnoticeable”. — Mark Twain

I can resist everything except temptation.

“Heavier-than-air flying machines are impossible.” — Lord Kelvin, president, Royal Society, 1895.

One good turn gets most of the blankets.

My girlfriend told me I should be more affectionate. So I got two more girlfriends.

Everything you like is bad for you in some way.

Modesty is a virtue of fools.

Booze is the answer. I don’t remember the question.

There’s a fine line between genius and insanity. I have erased this line.

Humour. It is a difficult concept. It is not logical.

An egotist is a person of low taste—more interested in himself than in me.

Macho Law prohibits me from admitting I’m wrong.

Insanity is hereditary; you can get it from your children.

There are two types of people in this world, good and bad. The good sleep better, but the bad seem to enjoy the waking hours much more.

“There is no reason anyone would want a computer in their home.” — Ken Olson, founder of Digital Equipment Corp., 1977.

Abel Tasman on discovering Tasmania, “Too far south for spices and too close to the rim of the earth to be inhabited by anything but freaks and monsters”

I used to be a banker, but then I lost interest.

Stupidity is not a handicap! Park somewhere else!

Character is what you are in the dark.

Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don’t.

A committee is a body that keeps minutes and wastes hours.

Anywhere is walking distance, if you’ve got the time.

Some people are alive only because it’s illegal to kill them.

If you choke a smurf, what colour does it turn?

A backwards poet writes inverse.

You can’t have everything. Where would you put it?

I love deadlines. I especially like the whooshing sound they make as they go flying by.

“Are you going to come quietly, or do I have to use earplugs?”—Vale Spike Milligan

It’s hard to face the problem, when the problem is your face.

“Oh dear,” said God, “I hadn’t thought of that,” and promptly vanished in a puff of logic.

There are only three kinds of people; people who can count and people who can’t.

I envy people who drink – at least they know what to blame everything on.

Progress was all right. Only it went on too long.

It doesn’t matter what temperature the room is; it’s always room temperature.

Sex on television can’t hurt you unless you fall off.

Englishmen never will be slaves: they are free to do whatever the Government and public opinion allow them to do.

Time is God’s way of keeping everything from happening at once.

Time is a great teacher, but unfortunately it kills all its pupils.

“This report, by its very length, defends itself against the risk of being read”. — Winston Churchill

Hang in there; retirement is only thirty years away.

The most powerful force in the universe is gossip.

I love work; it fascinates me; I can sit and watch it for hours.

Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.

Sheep don’t fly so much as plummet.

A day without sun shine is like, you know, night.

Why were the Indians here first? They had reservations.

It used to be only death and taxes were inevitable. Now, of course, there’s shipping and handling, too.

The most precious thing we have is life. Yet it has absolutely no trade-in value.

I don’t believe in astrology. I am a Sagittarius and we’re very skeptical. ~ Arthur C. Clarke

Best way to get a man to do something, is to suggest they are too old for it.

Well if this is the wrong number, why did you answer it?

I used to be apathetic, but now I don’t give a damn.

Some people are alive only because it’s illegal to kill them.

I generally avoid temptation unless I can’t resist it.

If trees could scream, would we be so cavalier about cutting them down? We might, if they screamed all the time, for no good reason.

A guy got arrested for playing the guitar. He was fingering a minor.

I don’t suffer from stress. I’m a carrier.

Honk if you love peace and quiet.

I either want less corruption, or more chance to participate in it.

Everybody is somebody else’s weirdo.

It’s not that I’m afraid to die; I just don’t want to be there when it happens.

Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

Jokes about German sausage are the wurst.

A person who smiles in the face of adversity... probably has a scapegoat.

Quantum: Noun, word used to sound like I know what I’m talking about while discussing physics I’ve never actually studied.

Every morning is the dawn of a new error.

I have gone to look for myself, if I should return before I get back, keep me here.

Foolproof systems don’t take into account the ingenuity of fools.

“C++ : Where friends have access to your private members.” — Gavin Russell Baker.

Two signs from a Majorcan shop entrance: English well speaking / Here speeching American.

111,111,111 x 111,111,111 = 12,345,678,987,654,321

When in doubt, mumble.

Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy.

Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.

As long as there are tests, there will be prayer in public schools.

“I have left orders to be awakened at any time in case of national emergency – even if I’m in a Cabinet meeting.” – Ronald Reagan

Cleverly Disguised As A Responsible Adult.

It’s just a job. Grass grows, birds fly, waves pound the sand. I just beat people up. – Muhammad Ali

Be thankful for problems. If they were less difficult, someone with less ability might have your job.

Life is far too important to be taken seriously.

“If builders built buildings the way programmers write programs, then the first woodpecker that came along would destroy civilization” — Weinberg’s Second Law.

There’s a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot.

I took a speed reading course and read ‘War and Peace’ in twenty minutes. It involves Russia. Enough women for four.

Men occasionally stumble over the truth, but most of them pick themselves up and hurry off as if nothing had happened. – Winston Churchill

Always do sober what you said you’d do drunk. That will teach you to keep your mouth shut.

Democracy is the recurrent suspicion that more than half of the people are right more than half of the time.

In elementary school, in case of fire, you have to line up quietly in a single file line from smallest to tallest. What is the logic? Do tall people burn slower?

He does the work of three men: Larry, Moe and Curly.

The truth is a precious commodity. That’s why I use it so sparingly.

I spent most of my money on booze, drugs and women... The rest I wasted!

Seeing a murder on television...will help work off one’s antagonisms. And if you haven’t any antagonisms, the commercials will give you some.

Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.

Friends may come and go, but enemies accumulate

An Irish man was driving to the airport when he saw a sign saying ‘Airport – Left’... So he went home.

e=mc^2 where m = the number of cooks required to spoil the broth

Never buy a car you can’t push.

I live in my own little world, but it’s ok they know me here.

The man who fell into an upholstery machine is fully recovered.

I used to think I was indecisive, but now I’m not sure.

“When in doubt tell the truth.”—Mark Twain

To B or not to B? *kills the B* I HATE BEES!!!! – LynxofCP

I don’t enjoy computer jokes; not one bit.

Eagles may soar, but weasels don’t get sucked into jet engines.

Everyone needs belief in something. I believe I’ll have another beer.

It is wiser to find out than to suppose.—Mark Twain

Prediction is extremely difficult. Especially about the future.

You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.

“The web is a dominatrix. Every where I turn, I see little buttons ordering me to Submit.” — Nytwind.

For people who like peace and quiet – a phoneless cord.

My life has a superb cast but I can’t figure out the plot.

No sense being pessimistic, it probably wouldn’t work anyway.

I dropped out of communism class because of lousy Marx.

How did Moses make his tea? Hebrews it.

I know a guy who is addicted to brake fluid. He says he can stop anytime.

I thought I wanted a career, turns out I just wanted paychecks.

A bird does not sing because it has an answer—it sings because it has a song.

I’m sorry; you cannot have an outlook on life because it isn’t responding. Microsoft apologises for any inconvenience.

Democracy is a process by which people are free to choose the man who will get the blame.

If money talks, it ain’t on speakin’ terms with me.

Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying of nothing.

A bird in the hand is safer than one overhead.

“I wish everyone was peaceful. Then I could take over the planet with a butter knife”—Dogbert

Half our life is spent trying to find something to do with the time we have rushed through life trying to save.

Nobody can be exactly like me. Even I have trouble doing it.

Success always occurs in private, and failure in full public view.

What’s the definition of a will? (It’s a dead giveaway).

Once, during prohibition, I was forced to live for days on nothing but food and water.

I fear my inferiority complex is not as good as yours.

Murphy’s Golden Rule: Whoever has the gold makes the rules.

Cole’s Law: Thinly sliced cabbage.

If you can’t dazzle them with brilliance... just baffle them with bullsh*t.

Venison for dinner again? Oh deer!

I love cats – they taste just like chicken.

Programmer – A red-eyed, mumbling mammal capable of conversing with inanimate objects.

Is there life before death?

Roses are red, Violets are blue. In Soviet Russia, Poems write you.

Anything not nailed down is a cat toy.

If the French were really intelligent, they’d speak English.

There are 3 kinds of people: those who can count and those who can’t.

If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?

All the toilets in New York’s police stations have been stolen. The police have nothing to go on.

Nick Overruled - Democratic Majority Decision

Why is it that to stop Windows, you have to click on “Start”?

People with narrow minds usually have broad tongues.

Being a philosopher, I have a problem for every solution.

“#define QUESTION ((bb) || !(bb))” — Shakespeare

Age is a very high price to pay for maturity.

An army of deer led by a lion is more to be feared than an army of lions led by a deer.

Don’t stop to stomp on ants when the elephants are stampeding.

If At First You Don’t Succeed... Blame Someone Else And Seek Counseling.

It has recently been discovered that research causes cancer in rats.

Stupidity is not a handicap. Park elsewhere!

On the keyboard of life, always keep one finger on the escape key.

There are 10 types of people in the world: Those who understand binary, and those who don’t.

“You, you and you: panic. The rest of you, come with me.”

Love is blind, but marriage is a real eye-opener.

If vegetable oil comes from vegetables, where does baby oil come from?

I’m out of my mind, but feel free to leave a message.

Heck is where people go who don’t believe in gosh.

Man who run in front of car get tired.

I changed my iPod’s name to Titanic. It’s syncing now.

There are two kinds of people, those who finish what they start, and so on.

I was the next door kid’s imaginary friend.

How do you spot an Irishman at a carwash? He’s the one on the bike.

Bacteria: the only culture some people have.

Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian any more than going to the garage makes you a car.

Does this smell like chloroform to you?

Take my advice, I don’t use it anyway.

Streakers beware: Your end is in sight.

A clean tie attracts the soup of the day.

Birthdays are good for you. Statistics show that the people who have the most live the longest.

The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.

I intend to live forever – so far, so good.

When your IQ reaches 80 –– sell.

Consciousness: that annoying time between naps.

I don’t like people who take drugs... Customs Officers for example.

My schoolmates would make love to anything that moved, but I never saw any reason to limit myself.

According to recent study someone is run over by a car every 5 minutes in the city. You’d think the guy would have enough sense to get out of the street.

The number of people watching you is directly proportional to the stupidity of your action.

I like to start my periods with sentences.

Men have a much better time of it than women; for one thing, they marry later; for another thing they die earlier.

“I am not worried about the deficit. It is big enough to take care of itself.” – Ronald Reagan

Slow is when someone laps you in the hundred-yard dash

Well, if I called the wrong number, why did you answer the phone?

Before you give a colleague a piece of your mind, be sure you can spare it.

If at first you don’t succeed, destroy all the evidence that you tried.

This girl said she recognized me from the vegetarian club, but I’d never met herbivore

Isn’t having a smoking section in a restaurant like having a peeing section in a swimming pool?

Arguing on the Internet is like competing in the Special Olympics – even if you win, you are still retarded.

Get a new car for your spouse – it’ll be a great trade!

So Many Pedestrians – So Little Time.

Be kind to your dentist. He has fillings, too.

The dictionary is the only place where success comes before work.

Men’s faults are many, women have only two. Everything they say, and everything they do.

In this world, nothing is certain but death and taxes. – Benjamin Franklin

The earthquake in Washington obviously was the government’s fault.

Blessed are the young, for they shall inherit the national debt.

My mind works like lightning. One brilliant flash and it is gone.

Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?

“Always in motion the future is. Seasick it makes me. That’s why so green I am”. – Yoda

If a job is worth doing well get someone else to do it.

Don’t look back. Something may be gaining on you.

I have a simple philosophy. Fill what’s empty. Empty what’s full. Scratch where it itches.

Moderation in all things, including moderation.

Anything not nailed down is mine. Anything I can pry loose is not nailed down.

Money is better than poverty, if only for financial reasons.

I’d like to see things your way, but I’m looking in another direction.

I stayed up all night to see where the sun went. Then it dawned on me.

Wine divulges truth.

If it’s true that we are here to help others, then what exactly are the others here for?

If everything is coming your way, you are probably in the wrong lane.

Any ship can be a minesweeper... once.

I’m not dumb; I just have a command of thoroughly useless information.

This guy walks into a bar and the barman says “Ouch, that must have hurt”

Some people say that I must be a horrible person, but that’s not true. I have the heart of a young boy – in a jar on my desk.

Plato is dead, Einstein is dead, and I’m not feeling too good myself...

The doctor can bury his mistakes but an architect can only advise his client to plant vines.

Bigamy is having one wife too many. Monogamy is the same. – Oscar Wilde

Procrastinate Now!

Pardon my driving, I am reloading.

Compromise: the art of dividing a cake so that everybody believes he or she got the biggest piece.

God must love stupid people, he made so many.

I love being married. It’s so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.

Smith & Wesson — the original point and click interface.

A dog that attends a flea circus most likely will steal the whole show.

Don’t use a big word where a diminutive one will suffice.

When life hands you a lemon, make lemonade.

Is Disney World the only people trap operated by a mouse?

Not all men are annoying. Some are dead.

Did you hear about the cross-eyed teacher who lost her job because she couldn’t control her pupils?

Those who can laugh without cause have either found the true meaning of happiness or have gone stark raving mad.

“He has been given a large brain by mistake, since for him the spinal cord would fully suffice.” — Albert Einstein

Why don’t you ever see the headline “Psychic Wins Lottery”?

“Inconceivable!” “I do not think that word means what you think it means.”

The short fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.

Hope sees the invisible, feels the intangible and achieves the impossible.

Shin: a device for finding furniture in the dark.

INDECISION is the key to FLEXIBILITY.

The only difference between Genius and Insanity... is success.

He’s not dead, he’s electroencephalographically challenged.

One day I will get this peer guy and reset his connection.

Haunted French pancakes give me the crêpes.

Never put both feet in your mouth at the same time, because then you don’t have a leg to stand on.

If I were two-faced, would I be wearing this one?

It is hard to understand how a cemetery raised its burial charges and blamed it on the cost of living.

I Refuse To Have A Battle Of Wits With An Unarmed Person.

Warning: Dates in Calendar are closer than they appear.

I always wanted to be somebody, but I should have been more specific.

If sex is such a natural phenomenon, how come there are so many books on how to do it.

If olive oil comes from olives, where does baby oil come from?

Why is the man that invests your money called a broker?

A procrastinator’s work is never done.

I used to be a Kleptomaniac, But now I’m taking something for it

I don’t suffer from stress. I’m a carrier.

This comment is printed on 100% recycled electrons.

How do you get an Irishman to burn his ear? Ring him up while he is ironing.

Remember the teakettle; though up to its neck in hot water, it continues to sing.

If you can’t convince them, confuse them.

If we don’t succeed, we run the risk of failure.

That which cannot be taken apart will fall apart.

Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7th of your life.

“On two occasions I have been asked [by members of Parliament!]: ‘Pray, Mr. Babbage, if you put into the machine wrong figures, will the right answers come out ?’ I am not able rightly to apprehend the kind of confusion of ideas that could provoke such a question.” — Charles Babbage.

The human brain is a wonderful thing. It starts working the moment you are born, and never stops until you stand up to speak in public.

I’d give my right arm to be ambidextrous.

Whenever I feel like exercise, I lie down until the feeling passes.

I guess traffic in the city is improving a little. Yesterday, I drove clear across town and only had to shave twice.

“How come we choose from just two people to run for president and 50 for Miss America?”

Everybody lies, but it doesn’t matter since nobody listens.

Men are from earth. Women are from earth. Deal with it.

I installed a skylight in my apartment. The people who live above me are furious.

“I’ve been on a calendar but I have never been on time” – Marilyn Monroe

“A girl phoned me the other day and said... Come on over, there’s nobody home. I went over. Nobody was home” — Rodney Dangerfield

Being in the army is like being in the Boy Scouts, except that the Boy Scouts have adult supervision.

They told me I had type A blood, but it was a Type O

As a final incentive before giving up a difficult task, try to imagine it successfully accomplished by someone you violently dislike.

I married my wife for her looks... but not the ones she’s been giving me lately!

Politicians are people who, when they see the light at the end of the tunnel, go out and buy more tunnel.

“Auntie Em: hate you, hate Kansas, taking the dog.” – Dorothy

I wonder how much deeper would the ocean be without sponges.

Make three correct guesses consecutively and you will establish yourself as an expert.

Allow me to introduce my selves.

In the office of a Roman doctor: Specialist in women and other diseases.

I don’t have an attitude problem. You have a perception problem.

Whenever people agree with me, I always feel I must be wrong.

He who smiles in a crisis has found someone to blame.

Illiterate? Write For Help.

Alcohol: the cause of, and solution to, all of life’s problems.

Brilliant, but with the social skills of a thermonuclear device.

Military intelligence is a contradiction in terms.

The chance of a piece of bread falling with the buttered side down is directly proportional to the cost of the carpet.

Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way when you criticize them, you are a mile away from them and you have their shoes.

I majored in liberal arts. Will that be for here or to go?

If a woman has to choose between catching a fly ball and saving an infant’s life, she will choose to save the infant’s life without even considering if there is a man on base.—Dave Barry

Mines are equal opportunity weapons.

Hemp is a herb. Bush is a dope.

“Reading computer manuals without the hardware is as frustrating as reading sex manuals without the software.” — Arthur C. Clarke.

Where you stand depends on where you sit.

Don’t talk unless you can improve the silence.

I get enough exercise just pushing my luck.

Well, this day was a total waste of makeup.

In a Norwegian cocktail lounge: Ladies are requested not to have children in the bar.

Better to remain silent and be thought a fool, than to speak and remove all doubt.

What does a clock do when it’s hungry? It goes back four seconds.

Just because you’re not paranoid doesn’t mean they’re not out to get you.

Madness takes its toll. Please have exact change.

There are two kinds of people, those who finish what they start, and so on.

I tried to photograph the fog, but I mist.

Outside of a dog, a book is probably man’s best friend, and inside of a dog, it’s too dark to read.

A hangover is the wrath of grapes.

Why is the third hand on the watch called a second hand?

Don’t take life too seriously—you’ll never get out of it alive.

Five out of four people have trouble with fractions.

Caution – Driver Legally Blonde!

Borrow money from pessimists- they don’t expect to get it back.

We waste time, so you don’t have to.

Somewhere on this globe, every ten seconds, is a woman giving birth to a child. She must be found and stopped.

I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol.

I did a theatrical performance about puns. It was a play on words.

Where there’s a will, I want to be in it.

I wondered why the baseball was getting bigger. Then it hit me.

The art of flying is to throw yourself at the ground and miss.

Having more money doesn’t make you happier. I have 50 million dollars but I’m just as happy as when I had 48 million. ~ Arnold Schwarzenegger.

Help Wanted: Telepath. You know where to apply.

At the age of six I wanted to be a cook. At seven I wanted to be Napoleon. And my ambition has been growing steadily ever since.

My parents stayed together for forty years, but that was out of spite.

“I have never let my schooling interfere with my education.”—Mark Twain

On a tombstone: I TOLD YOU I WAS SICK

Latest survey shows that 3 out of 4 people make up 75% of the world’s population.

If you don’t know where you are going, you might wind up someplace else.

Cluster bombing from B-52s is very, very accurate – the bombs always hit the ground.

Plan to be spontaneous tomorrow.

A great many people think they are thinking when they are merely rearranging their prejudices.

Without question, the greatest invention in the history of mankind is beer. Oh, I grant you that the wheel was also a fine invention, but the wheel does not go nearly as well with pizza.

Living is not worth dying for.

I’m not afraid of heights, only widths.

The secret of success is sincerity. Once you can fake that you’ve got it made.

Nothing means nothing, but it isn’t really nothing because nothing is something that isn’t.

In a Copenhagen airline ticket office: We take your bags and send them in all directions.

When you come to a fork in the road, take it.

All men are equal. Some are just more equal than others.

They say if you play a Microsoft CD backwards you hear satanic messages. That’s nothing, if you play it forwards it installs Windows.

A penny saved is a Congressional spending oversight.

I am amazed at radio DJ’s today. I am firmly convinced that AM on my radio stands for Absolute Moron. I will not begin to tell you what FM stands for.

Work: It isn’t just for sleeping anymore.

Killed - Personality Incompatibility

If Bill Gates had a nickel for every time Windows crashed... oh wait, he does.

I have spent my whole life looking for the perfect woman, and now I’ve found her. Too bad she’s looking for the perfect man.

Quantum mechanics: The dreams stuff is made of.

Snowmen fall from Heaven unassembled.

Women like silent men. They think they’re listening.

A pessimist is a man who has been compelled to live with an optimist

Jokes about German sausage are the wurst.

Why is it called tourist season if we can’t shoot at them?

I like children. Properly cooked.

Tips for Vegetarians: Hit a chicken enough times and it turns into a vegetable.

The second day of a diet is alway easier than the first. By the second day, you’re off it.

It is hard enough to remember my opinions, without also remembering my reasons for them!

Despite the cost of living it’s still very popular.

The early bird gets the worm, but the early worm gets eaten.

If you don’t learn to laugh at troubles, you won’t have anything to laugh at when you grow old.

Never put off until tomorrow what you can avoid altogether.

History will be kind to me for I intend to write it. – Winston Churchill

My one regret in life is that I am not someone else.

A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat.

Leftists are among the first to speak of their rights.

I stayed up all night to see where the sun went. Then it dawned on me.

I’m an apathetic sociopath – I’d kill you if I cared.

When you do not know what you are doing, do it neatly.

The only reason some people get lost in thought is because it’s unfamiliar territory.

Remember, half the people you know are below average.

Money is flat and meant to be piled up. – Scottish Proverb

If you want your spouse to listen and pay strict attention to every word you say, talk in your sleep.

It is well to remember the entire population of the universe, with one trifling exception, is composed of others.

If quizzes are quizzical, what are tests?

Horn broken. Watch for finger. (on bumper sticker)

I am free of all prejudices. I hate everyone equally.

I always wanted to be a procrastinator, never got around to it though.

You look like a million dollars. All green and wrinkled.

I hope that after I die, people will say of me: “That guy sure owed me a lot of money.”

I’m reading a book about anti-gravity. I can’t put it down.

“Everyday I beat my own previous record for number of consecutive days I’ve stayed alive.”

Life is complex: it has real and imaginary parts.

Support bacteria – they’re the only culture some people have.

When a clock is hungry, it goes back four seconds.

Ninety-nine per cent of the people in the world are fools and the rest of us are in great danger of contagion.

There are very few personal problems that cannot be solved through a suitable application of high explosives.

Show me a piano falling down a mineshaft and I’ll show you A-flat minor.

A team effort is a lot of people doing what I say

I have great faith in fools; my friends call it self-confidence.

If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?

“Few things are harder to put up with than a good example.”—Mark Twain

He who laughs last thinks slowest.

I Haven’t Lost My Mind, It’s Backed Up On Disk Somewhere.

A bachelor is a man who comes to work from a different direction each morning.

I got a job at a bakery because I kneaded dough.

When angry count four, when very angry, swear.

Age is a question of mind over matter. If you don’t mind, it don’t matter.

Jack and Jill did it for the insurance.

Don’t use a big word where a diminutive one will suffice.

My husband says I never listen to him (at least I think that’s what he said)

The scientific theory I like best is that the rings of Saturn are composed entirely of lost airline luggage.

When he first ran for office, he appealed to the voters: “I never stole anything in my life. All I ask is a chance.”

Smoking cures weight problems...eventually...

“Thinking is the hardest work there is, which is probably why so few engage in it”. — Henry Ford

Time sneaks up on you like a windshield on a bug.

At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be “What is hell?” Come early and listen to our choir practice.

Needing someone is like needing a parachute. If he isn’t there the first time you need him, chances are you won’t be needing him again.

I like kids, but I don’t think I could eat a whole one.

If you’re not wasted, the day is.

What Has Four Legs And An Arm? A Happy Pit Bull.

A synonym is a word you use when you can’t spell the word you first thought of.

The world is full of willing people; some willing to work, the rest willing to let them.

Maybe I’m lucky to be going so slowly, because I may be going in the wrong direction.

To define recursion, we must first define recursion.

Everything is possible; just not too probable.

Laugh at your problems; everybody else does.

Good judgement comes from experience. Experience comes from bad judgement.

Sheep don’t fly so much as plummet.

Work expands to fill the time available. — PARKINSON’S LAW

I don’t have a solution but I admire the problem.

All those who believe in psycho kinesis raise my hand.

Everybody has a photographic memory. Some don’t have film.

Go the extra mile. It makes your boss look like an incompetent slacker.

If you think nobody cares if you’re alive, try missing a couple of car payments.

Lord, if you won’t make me skinny, please make all my friends fat.

If I’d known I was going to live this long, I’d have taken better care of myself.

How Many Roads Must A Man Travel Down Before He Admits He Is Lost?

The amount of work to be done increases in proportion to the amount of work already completed. — VAIL’S SECOND AXIOM

If at first you don’t succeed, skydiving is not your sport.

The trouble with the rat race is that even if you win, you’re still a rat.

You can say any foolish thing to a dog, and the dog will give you a look that says, “My God, you’re right! I never would’ve thought of that!”

“There are only two things that are infinite: the universe and human stupidity. And I’m not sure about the universe.” A. Einstein

Democracy is a government where you can say what you think even if you don’t think.

“You can always count on Americans to do the right thing—after they’ve tried everything else” – Winston Churchill

“If carrots are so good for the eyes, how come I see so many dead rabbits on the highway?”

When all other means of communication fail, try words.

Hypochondria is the only disease I haven’t got.

What sane person could live in this world and not be crazy?

The trouble with our times is that the future is not what it used to be.

If you can’t convince them, confuse them.

Mental Floss prevents Moral Decay.

It is said that if you line up all the cars in the world end to end, someone would be stupid enough to try and pass them.

When you are arguing with an idiot, make sure the other person isn’t doing the same thing.

Just because your head is the biggest doesn’t mean it contains the right ideas.

Am I getting smart with you? How would you know?

If I have to work for an idiot, I might as well work for myself.

In a Budapest zoo: Please do not feed the animals. If you have any suitable food, give it to the guard on duty.

Marriage is not a word; it is a sentence.

We must believe in free will, we have no choice.

The difference between a stepping-stone and a stumbling block can be when you see it.

In the beginning, God created earth and rested. Then God created man and rested. Then God created woman. Since then, neither God nor man has rested.

I don’t meet competition. I crush it

The sooner you fall behind the more time you’ll have to catch up.

Someone sent me a postcard picture of the earth. On the back it said, “Wish you were here.”

I want to die peacefully in my sleep like my grandfather, not screaming in abject horror like his passengers.

You can always spot a well-informed man – his views are the same as yours.

If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?

If a man opens a car door for a woman, either the car is new or the woman.

I was at a bar nursing a beer. My nipple was getting quite soggy.

If we aren’t supposed to eat animals, why are they made of meat?

“Always be sincere, even when you don’t mean it”. — Irene Peter

You’re not drunk if you can lie on the floor without holding on.

Artificial Intelligence is no match for Natural Stupidity.

“A patriot must always be ready to defend his country against his government”. — Edward Abbey

Youth is a wonderful thing. What a crime to waste it on children.

“Reader, suppose you were an idiot. And suppose you were a member of Congress. But I repeat myself”. — Mark Twain

I have the body of a GOD – Buddha.

You have to stay in shape. My grandmother, she started walking five miles a day when she was 60. She’s 97 today and we don’t know where the hell she is.

“There are two major products that come out of Berkeley: LSD and UNIX. We don’t believe this to be a coincidence.” — Jeremy S. Anderson

By the time a man realises that his father was right, he has a son who thinks he’s wrong.

The illegal we do immediately. The unconstitutional takes a little longer. – Henry Kissinger

“Things are more like they are now than they ever were before.” – Former U.S. President Dwight D. Eisenhower

I’m desperately trying to figure out why kamikaze pilots wore helmets.

A conscience does not prevent sin. It only prevents you from enjoying it.

“My wife made me join a bridge club. I jump off next Tuesday” — Rodney Dangerfield

If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?

Just remember... if the world didn’t suck, we’d all fall off.

When you get a bladder infection, urine trouble.

All my life, I always wanted to be somebody. Now I see that I should have been more specific.

You’ll never get to heaven if you’re scared of getting high.

It’s strange, isn’t it. You stand in the middle of a library and go aaaaagghhhh’ and everyone just stares at you. But you do the same thing on an aeroplane, and everyone joins in.

Seen it all, done it all, can’t remember most of it.

I majored in liberal arts. Will that be for here or to go?

Last night I lay in bed looking up at the stars in the sky and I thought to myself, “Where the heck is the ceiling?”

If you can stay calm, while all around you is chaos... then you probably haven’t completely understood the situation.

The light at the end of the tunnel has been turned off due to budget cuts.

A baby sitter is a teenager acting like an adult while the adults are out acting like teenagers.

Honesty is the best policy, but insanity is a better defence.

Eagles may soar, but weasels don’t get sucked into jet engines.

Santa’s helpers are subordinate clauses.

I think that’s how Chicago got started. A bunch of people in New York said, “Gee, I’m enjoying the crime and the poverty, but it just isn’t cold enough. Let’s go west.”—Richard Jeni

I work hard because millions on welfare depend on me.

Anyone who told you to be yourself couldn’t have given you worse advice.

“People who drink light beer don’t like the taste of beer; they just like to pee a lot” — Rodney Dangerfield

It is a small world, but I wouldn’t like to have to paint it.

Make sure your mind isn’t so open that your brains fall out.

Why does Sea World have a seafood restaurant? I’m halfway through my fish burger and I realize, Oh my gosh... I could be eating a slow learner.

The more time you spend in reporting on what you are doing, the less time you have to do it in. Stability is achieved when you spend all your time doing nothing but reporting on the nothing you are doing.

Solitude is fine, but you need someone to tell you that solitude is fine.

In a Tokyo shop: Our nylons cost more than common, but you’ll find they are best in the long run.

It’s bad luck to be superstitious.

I have kleptomania, but when it gets bad, I take something for it. ~ Robert Benchle

Early to rise, early to bed, makes a man healthy but socially dead.

Chipped dishes never break.

Don’t be irreplaceable; if you cannot be replaced, you cannot be promoted.

How can you come out of a closet if you never went in there in the first place?

Broken pencils are pointless.

You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They left a little note on the windscreen, it said ‘Parking Fine.’

Get even – live long enough to be a problem to your kids.

Ever stop to think and forget to start again?

“I believe in equality for everyone, except reporters and photographers”. — Gandhi

Fundamentalism: Believe in a kind, loving God or we’ll kill you!

One good thing about repeating your mistakes is that you know when to cringe.

The best computer is a man, and it’s the only one that can be mass-produced by unskilled labour.

AIBOHPHOBIA – the fear of palindromes.

I heard a man say that brigands demand your money or your life, whereas women require both.

I tried sniffing Coke once, but the ice cubes got stuck in my nose.

“The best thing about the future is that it comes only one day at a time.” – Abraham Lincoln

Acupuncture is a jab well done.

Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.

Raising teenagers is like trying to nail Jell-O to a tree.

Connection Reset - Insufficient Electrons

You’re such an inspiration for the way I’ll never choose to be.

I’m in no shape to exercise.

We’ve made great medical progress in the last generation. What used to be merely an itch is now an allergy.

The trouble with life is there’s no background music.

Anything that can become tangled around something else, will.

Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?

For Sale: Parachute. Only used once, never opened, small stain.

Never go to a doctor whose office plants have died.

When in trouble, fear or doubt, run in circles, scream and shout.

How do you know if a fish is Irish? It has drowned.

Someday we’ll look back on all this and plow into the back of a parked car.

Sometimes I think the surest sign that intelligent life exists elsewhere in the universe is that none of it has tried to contact us.

Originality is the fine art of remembering what you hear, but forgetting where you heard it.

Eat a live toad first thing in the morning, and nothing worse can happen to you the rest of the day.

I don’t want to achieve immortality through my work. I want to achieve immortality through not dying.

Authority makes some people grow – and others just swell.

A diplomatic husband said to his wife, how do you expect me to remember your birthday when you never look any older?

Always remember you’re unique, just like everyone else.

If at first you don’t succeed, try management.

Partying... oops No Only Parting... sorry

“I could tell that my parents hated me. My bath toys were a toaster and a radio” — Rodney Dangerfield

“War does not determine who is right - only who is left.” – Bertrand Russell

If you don’t know where you are going, you will wind up somewhere else.

Tip the world over on its side and everything loose will land in Los Angeles.

What do you call a dinosaur with an extensive vocabulary? A thesaurus.

You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say will be misquoted then used against you.

Everybody is ignorant, only on different subjects.

“I’ve noticed that everyone who is for abortion has already been born.” – Ronald Reagan

If you don’t pay your exorcist you get repossessed.

I plead contemporary insanity.

From the moment I picked your book up until I laid it down I was convulsed with laughter. Some day I intend reading it.

Optimists believe we live on the greatest world. Pessimists believe this is true.

If automobiles had followed the same development cycle as the computer, a Rolls Royce would today cost $100, get a million miles per gallon, and explode once a year, killing everyone inside.

“They say hard work never hurt anybody, but I figure why take the chance.” – Ronald Reagan

How do I set a laser printer to stun?

This mind intentionally left blank

I don’t approve of political jokes... I’ve seen too many of them get elected.

Confidence is the feeling you have before you understand the situation

Velcro — what a rip off!

I used up all my sick days, so I’m calling in dead.

99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.

If people concentrated on the really important things in life, there’d be a shortage of fishing poles.

Cheerfulness is contagious, but don’t wait to catch it from others. Be a carrier.

When Chemists die, they barium.

I wished the buck stopped here, as I could use a few.

If you can’t be kind, at least have the decency to be vague.

I used to think I was indecisive, but now I’m not sure.

Ours is a world where people don’t know what they want and are willing to go through hell to get it.

I laugh in the face of danger, except if I’m involved.

Man who eat many prunes get good run for money.

What happens if you get scared half to death twice?

The surprising thing about young fools is how many survive to become old fools.

People who think they know everything are annoying to those of us who do.

If I were someone who knew something, who could I tell that would believe me?

No problem is so big and complicated that it can’t be ran away from.

If you’re born again, do you have two bellybuttons?

Instead of getting married again, I’m going to find a woman I don’t like and just give her a house.—Rod Stewart

Never argue with an idiot. They drag you down to their level then beat you with experience.

Half of being smart is knowing what you are dumb at.

“Banking establishments are more dangerous than standing armies”. — Thomas Jefferson

I think, therefore I am single.

Perhaps you’re diagonally parked in a parallel universe?

It’s important to be open-minded, but not SO open-minded that your brains fall out.

Comedy is tragedy plus time.

It’s easy to quit smoking... I’ve done it over 10,000 times.

Constipated People Don’t Give A Crap.

I thought I made a mistake once, but I was wrong.

Marriage changes passion... suddenly you’re in bed with a relative.

Life... I don’t get it...

An egotist has one point in his favour – he doesn’t go round talking about other people.

To find out a girl’s faults, praise her to her girl friends.

If at first you don’t succeed, try, try again. Then quit. There’s no use being a damned fool about it.

I spilled spot remover on my dog. Now he’s gone.

Don’t marry for money. You can borrow it cheaper.

Shin: a device for finding furniture in the dark.

Climbers aim for the summit because it is there. Bungi jumpers dive off the top because they aren’t all there.

He who trains his tongue to quote the learned sages, will be known far and wide as a smart ass.

If ever I get married again it would have to be under an anaesthetic.

If you can’t beat your computer at chess, try kickboxing.

Under capitalism, man exploits man. Under Communism, it’s just the opposite.

Lead us not into temptation. Just tell us where it is; we’ll find it.

Why is it that doctors call what they do “practice”?

I had amnesia once or twice.

Where do you find an Irish woodworm? Dead inside a brick.

If someone with multiple personalities threatens suicide... is it considered a hostage situation?

My favorite mythical creature? The honest politician.

It is a fitting irony that under Richard Nixon, ‘launder’ became a dirty word.

The day I can’t do my job drunk is the day I turn in my badge and gun.

Most vegetarians look so much like the food they eat that they can be classified as cannibals.

If it weren’t for electricity we’d all be watching television by candlelight?

Everyone hates me because I’m paranoid.

To succeed in politics, it is often necessary to rise above your principles.

When I’m not in my right mind, my left mind gets pretty crowded

The only perfect science is hindsight.

One should forgive one’s enemies, but not before they are hanged.

Some pain is physical, and some is mental, but one that’s both is dental.

It is not my interest to pay the principal, nor my principal to pay the interest.

Being single is like a vacuum. It sucks when you are turned on.

I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.

What hair color do they put on the driver’s licenses of bald men?

Pick your friends but not to pieces.

The trouble with jogging is that, by the time you realise you’re not in shape for it, it’s far too far to walk back.

I can please only one person per day. Today is not your day. Tomorrow isn’t looking good either.

Lots of people know a good thing the minute the other fellow sees it first.

I’d explain it to you, but your brain would explode.

Marriage is a three-ring circus: engagement ring, wedding ring, and suffering.

Knowledge is the key, but where is the damn lock?

Blessed are those who can laugh at themselves, they will never cease to be amused.

He’s so lazy. I’ve seen him step into a revolving door and wait.

What do you call a dinosaur with an extensive vocabulary? A thesaurus.

A soldier who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran.

We have two ends. One for sitting and one for thinking. Our success depends on which one we use most.

Proofread carefully to see if you any words out.

I am obviously right, and as you disagree with me, then logically you must be wrong.

Half of the people in the world are below average.

“I worked in a pet shop and people kept asking how big I’d get” — Rodney Dangerfield

I used to find him boring until I stopped listening.

“I’d rather have a bottle in front of me, than a frontal lobotomy”. — Tom Waits

Don’t Be Sexist – Broads Hate That.

A dyslexic man walks into a bra.

“The generation of random numbers is too important to be left to chance.” — Robert R. Coveyou, Oak Ridge National Laboratory.

Always try to be modest and be proud of it!

Only a fool is astonished by the foolishness of humankind.

It’s not hard to meet expenses, they’re everywhere.

Connection Reset By Aboriginal With Wire Cutters

“You start coding. I’ll go find out what they want.” — Computer analyst to programmer

Red Tape Holds Up New Bridge!

Any task worth doing was worth doing yesterday.

If the human brain were so simple that we could understand it, we would be so simple we couldn’t.

I didn’t like my beard at first. Then it grew on me.

I hate women because they always know where things are.

What’s another word for Thesaurus?

I don’t necessarily agree with everything I say.

One of the greatest labour-saving inventions today is tomorrow.

A drop of ink may make a million think.

Accept that some days you’re the pigeon, and some days you’re the statue.

Cheer up, the worst is yet to come.

People can be divided into three groups: Those who make things happen, those who watch things happen, and those who wonder what happened.

In a Rome laundry: Ladies, leave your clothes here and spend the afternoon having a good time.

On the other hand you have different fingers.

Technology is a way of organizing the universe so that man doesn’t have to experience it.

My husband and I divorced over religious differences... He thought he was God and I didn’t.

Youth would be an ideal state if it came a little later in life.

To err is human – and to blame it on a computer is even more so.

Age always corresponds inversely to the size of your multivitamin.

Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

Mind like a steel trap – rusty and illegal in most states.

Every time I look at you I get a fierce desire to be lonesome.

“You have to be careful about being too careful” – Beryl Pfizer

Applying computer technology is simply finding the right wrench to pound in the correct screw.

Sometimes I wake up grumpy; other times I let her sleep

I had some words with my wife, and she had some paragraphs with me.

If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?

Early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.

I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.

This Would Be Really Funny If It Weren’t Happening To Me.

Man who run behind car get exhausted.

Keyboard not detected. Press F1 to continue

I arise in the morning torn between a desire to improve the world and a desire to enjoy the world. This makes it hard to plan the day.

People don’t grow up; they just learn how to act in public.

I am not a vegetarian because I love animals; I am a vegetarian because I hate plants.

Restarting System - Mouse Moved

Legend: a lie that has attained the dignity of age.

“Blink your eyelids periodically to lubricate your eyes.” — Page 16 of the HP “Environmental, Health Safety Handbook for Employees”.

Impotence: Nature’s Way Of Saying “No Hard Feelings”.

Some people are going to leave a mark on this world, while others will leave a stain.

“When you starve with a tiger, the tiger starves last”. — Griffin’s Thought

A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a train stops. On my desk I have a workstation...

Man shoots neighbour with machete [The Miami Herald, July 3]

I couldn’t repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.

I married Miss Right. I just didn’t know her first name was Always.

“Hey, I’ve got reasons for what I’m doing,” REALLY MEANS, “I sure hope I think of some pretty soon.”

Years ago fairy tales began with “Once upon a time...” Now it’s “If I am elected...”

Remember half the people you know are below average.

If con is the opposite of pro, congress is the opposite of progress.

Gossip: The art of saying nothing while leaving nothing unsaid.

Doctor, Doctor I keep getting pains in the eye when I drink coffee. Have you tried taking the spoon out?

Anger is only one letter away from danger.

Bacteria: the only culture some people have.

We are going on a field trip to the Coca-Cola factory. I hope there are no pop quizzes.

How do you keep an Irishman busy? Write P.T.O on both sides of a piece of paper.

“Managing senior programmers is like herding cats” — Dave Platt.

A study in the Washington Post says that women have better verbal skills than men. I just want to say to the authors of that study: “Duh.”— Conan O’Brien

If all you have is a hammer, everything looks like a nail.

Time flies like an arrow – fruit flies like a banana.

I think animal testing is a terrible idea; they get all nervous and give the wrong answers.

A printer consists of three main parts: the case, the jammed paper tray and the blinking red light

The dumber people think you are, the more surprised they’re going to be when you kill them—Rodney Dangerfield

TEAMWORK... means never having to take all the blame yourself.

England has no kidney bank, but it does have a Liverpool.

The things that come to those that wait may be the things left by those who got there first.

The fellow who thinks he knows it all is especially annoying to those of us who do.

Hard work never killed anybody but why take the chance?

If we learn by our mistakes, some of us are getting one hell of an education!

Never underestimate the power of very stupid people in large groups.

There is no such thing as an underestimate of average intelligence

If you try and don’t succeed, cheat. Repeat until caught. Then lie.

We spend the first twelve months of our children’s lives teaching them to walk and talk and the next twelve telling them to sit down and shut up.

Advertisement for donkey rides in Thailand: Would you like to ride on your own ass?

Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?

Love is like an hourglass, with the heart filling up as the brain empties.

If you don’t know why I’m mad at you, then I’m certainly not going to tell you

Tell me what you need, and I’ll tell you how to get along without it.

In democracy it’s your vote that counts. In feudalism it’s your count that votes.

I have noticed that the people who are late are often so much jollier that the people who have to wait for them.

Marathon runners with bad footwear suffer the agony of defeat.

A poor excuse is like an old bucket; doesn’t matter what shape it is in, as long as it holds water.

A cartoonist was found dead in his home. Details are sketchy.

Even paranoids have real enemies.

I am a nobody, nobody is perfect, therefore I’m perfect.

“The object of war is not to die for your country but to make the other bastard die for his.” – General George Patton

If you do not make dust, you eat dust.

Chaos, panic, & disorder – my work here is done.

Outside a Hong Kong tailor shop: Ladies may have a fit upstairs.

Statistics are like bikinis – What they reveal is suggestive, but what they conceal is vital.

“If women didn’t exist, all the money in the world would have no meaning.” – Aristotle Onassis

Remember... Marriage is the number one cause of divorce. Statistically, 100% of all divorces started with marriage.

Anyone can admit they were wrong; the true test is admitting it to someone else.

I’ve always wanted to be normal, but lately I’ve come to suspect that this is it.

I started out with nothing, and I still have most of it.

“Your mouse has moved. Windows must be restarted for the change to take effect. Reboot now ? [OK]”

Age is an issue of mind over matter. If you don’t mind, it doesn’t matter.

It is even harder for the average ape to believe that he has descended from man.

I take everything I can for my kleptomania.

As the light changed from red to green to yellow and back to red again, I sat there thinking about life. Was it nothing more than a bunch of honking and yelling? Sometimes it seemed that way.

Experience is simply the name we give our mistakes.

One martini is all right, two is too many, and three is not enough.

System Error - Windows Loaded

They say you only use ten percent of your brain. What about the other ten?

It’s not true that married men live longer than single men. It only seems longer.

“Einstein argued that there must be simplified explanations of nature, because God is not capricious or arbitrary. No such faith comforts the software engineer.” — Fred Brooks.

Two strings walk into a bar. The first string says to the bartender, “Bartender, I’ll have a beer. u.5n$x5t?*&4ru!2[sACCErJ”. The second string says, “Pardon my friend, he isn’t NULL terminated”.

“This ‘telephone’ has too many shortcomings to be seriously considered as a means of communication.” — Western Union internal memo, 1876.

Why do we wash bath towels, aren’t we clean when we use them?

A bargain is something you don’t need at a price you can’t resist.

How do you sink an Irish Submarine? Knock on the hatch.

Man who drive like hell bound to get there.

Laugh and the world laughs with you; snore and you sleep alone.

Bachelors know more about women than married men; if they didn’t they’d be married too.

Men don’t care what’s on TV. They only care what else is on TV.

Computers make it easy to do a lot of things, but most of the things that make it easier to do don’t need to be done.

System Error - Windows Loaded

He often broke into song because he couldn’t find the key.

Save the whales. Collect the whole set.

What if there were no hypothetical questions?

Energizer Bunny arrested: Charged with battery.

If you want a committed man, look in a mental hospital.

Brain: an apparatus with which we think we think.

Be careful when reading health books; you may die of a misprint.

Anything’s possible... apart from skiing through a revolving door.

If at first you do succeed, try to hide your astonishment.

“How can a president not be an actor?” – when asked “How could an actor become president?” – Ronald Reagan

An Apple a day keeps the doctor away. But... an onion a day keeps everyone away.

If a President doesn’t do it to his wife, he’ll do it to his country.

Who is General Failure and why is he reading my hard disk?

Errors have been made. Others will be blamed.

Money can’t buy happiness, but it sure makes misery easier to live with.

I’ve been trying for some time to develop a life style that doesn’t require my presence.

“Then he ran into my knife. He ran into my knife ten times.” – Chicago

If it’s 0 degrees today and it’s going to be twice as cold tomorrow... how cold will it be?

My reality check just bounced.

“My computer NEVER loc

I took an IQ test and the results were negative.

Even crime wouldn’t pay if the government ran it.

Be nice to your kids. They’ll choose your nursing home.

Experience is something you do not get until just after you need it.

“I think there is a world market for maybe five computers.” — Thomas Watson, chairman of IBM, 1943.

Eschew obfuscation.

On the plus side, death is one of the few things that can be done just as easily as lying down.

I often quote myself; it adds spice to my conversation.

It is not what a teenager knows that bothers his parents. It is how he found out.

Vote for the man who promises least; he’ll be the least disappointing.

Plagiarism saves time.

Succeed in spite of management. Aim Low; Reach Your Goals, Avoid Disappointment.

I have had more trouble with myself than with any other man I’ve met.

Confidence is the feeling you have before you understand the situation.

Of course, we are all worms—but I like to think, at least, that I am a glow-worm. – Winston Churchill

IRS: We’ve got what it takes to take what you’ve got.

Everybody is ignorant, only on different subjects.

If puns were outlawed, only outlaws would have puns.

Before marriage, a man yearns for the woman he loves. After marriage, the ‘Y’ becomes silent.

A conclusion is simply the place where you got tired of thinking.

There are three ways to get something done: do it yourself, hire someone, or forbid your kids to do it.

PMS jokes aren’t funny. Period.

Promises are like babies: fun to make, but hell to deliver.

“Life is a waste of time, time is a waste of life, so get wasted all of the time and have the time of your life”. — Tom Waits

You have the right to your opinions. I just don’t want to hear them.

Bachelors have consciences, married men have wives.

If it weren’t for the last minute, nothing would ever get done.

I’m not into working out. My philosophy: No pain, no pain.

“Every mighty oak was once just a nut who stood his ground.”

I’m an idealist: I don’t know where I’m going, but I’m on my way.

The beatings will continue until morale improves.

Conscience is the inner voice warning us that someone may be looking.

Does your train of thought have a caboose?

If the world should blow itself up, the last audible voice would be that of an expert saying it can’t be done.

When I was young, I could remember anything. Whether it happened or not.

The shortest distance between two points is under construction.

When I was a boy I was told that anybody could become president; I’m beginning to believe it.

My mind not only wanders, sometimes it leaves completely.

There’s a difference between being open-minded and having a hole in your head

I’m quite easy to get along with, once you learn to beckon at my every call and yield to all my desires.

Honest criticism is hard to take, particularly from a relative, a friend, an acquaintance, or a stranger.

We Quit Voting Will They All Go Away?

Oh, don’t fuss. I just cut myself. It’s no big deal,” REALLY MEANS, “I have actually severed a limb, but will bleed to death before I admit I’m hurt.”

Whenever there is any doubt, there is no doubt.

If you’re not confused, you’re not paying attention.

Man does not live by words alone, despite the fact that sometimes he has to eat them.

Doctor, Doctor You’ve got to help me – I just can’t stop my hands shaking. Do you drink a lot? Not really – I spill most of it!

Cab drivers are living proof that practice does not make perfect.

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