Amusing Quotes & One-Liners

“I’ve been on a calendar but I have never been on time” – Marilyn Monroe

Mines are equal opportunity weapons.

Venison for dinner again? Oh deer!

Anywhere is walking distance, if you’ve got the time.

I had amnesia once or twice.

A printer consists of three main parts: the case, the jammed paper tray and the blinking red light

Pick your friends but not to pieces.

Vote for the man who promises least; he’ll be the least disappointing.

Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don’t.

Never put both feet in your mouth at the same time, because then you don’t have a leg to stand on.

Take my advice, I don’t use it anyway.

I haven’t spoken to my wife for 18 months: I don’t like to interrupt her.

I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol.

The truth is a precious commodity. That’s why I use it so sparingly.

A conscience does not prevent sin. It only prevents you from enjoying it.

It’s strange, isn’t it. You stand in the middle of a library and go aaaaagghhhh’ and everyone just stares at you. But you do the same thing on an aeroplane, and everyone joins in.

If it weren’t for the last minute, nothing would ever get done.

The trouble with our times is that the future is not what it used to be.

Fundamentalism: Believe in a kind, loving God or we’ll kill you!

Comedy is tragedy plus time.

Confidence is the feeling you have before you understand the situation

This guy walks into a bar and the barman says “Ouch, that must have hurt”

Half our life is spent trying to find something to do with the time we have rushed through life trying to save.

In a Budapest zoo: Please do not feed the animals. If you have any suitable food, give it to the guard on duty.

Bachelors have consciences, married men have wives.

I plead contemporary insanity.

My husband and I divorced over religious differences... He thought he was God and I didn’t.

“Reader, suppose you were an idiot. And suppose you were a member of Congress. But I repeat myself”. — Mark Twain

Never put off until tomorrow what you can avoid altogether.

Birthdays are good for you. Statistics show that the people who have the most live the longest.

By the time a man realises that his father was right, he has a son who thinks he’s wrong.

When you get a bladder infection, urine trouble.

Borrow money from pessimists- they don’t expect to get it back.

I know a guy who is addicted to brake fluid. He says he can stop anytime.

I was the next door kid’s imaginary friend.

Remember the teakettle; though up to its neck in hot water, it continues to sing.

Why were the Indians here first? They had reservations.

Booze is the answer. I don’t remember the question.

Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

Life... I don’t get it...

The difference between a stepping-stone and a stumbling block can be when you see it.

Eagles may soar, but weasels don’t get sucked into jet engines.

If at first you don’t succeed, skydiving is not your sport.

If everything is coming your way, you are probably in the wrong lane.

Youth would be an ideal state if it came a little later in life.

If you don’t learn to laugh at troubles, you won’t have anything to laugh at when you grow old.

How Many Roads Must A Man Travel Down Before He Admits He Is Lost?

I am a nobody, nobody is perfect, therefore I’m perfect.

In a Rome laundry: Ladies, leave your clothes here and spend the afternoon having a good time.

“Einstein argued that there must be simplified explanations of nature, because God is not capricious or arbitrary. No such faith comforts the software engineer.” — Fred Brooks.

Time sneaks up on you like a windshield on a bug.

Man who drive like hell bound to get there.

Work: It isn’t just for sleeping anymore.

Nobody can be exactly like me. Even I have trouble doing it.

Cluster bombing from B-52s is very, very accurate – the bombs always hit the ground.

Computers make it easy to do a lot of things, but most of the things that make it easier to do don’t need to be done.

Illiterate? Write For Help.

No sense being pessimistic, it probably wouldn’t work anyway.

One martini is all right, two is too many, and three is not enough.

Mental Floss prevents Moral Decay.

The scientific theory I like best is that the rings of Saturn are composed entirely of lost airline luggage.

If you can’t convince them, confuse them.

Democracy is a process by which people are free to choose the man who will get the blame.

It is even harder for the average ape to believe that he has descended from man.

Pardon my driving, I am reloading.

“Things are more like they are now than they ever were before.” – Former U.S. President Dwight D. Eisenhower

One should forgive one’s enemies, but not before they are hanged.

Marathon runners with bad footwear suffer the agony of defeat.

Living is not worth dying for.

If you don’t pay your exorcist you get repossessed.

All my life, I always wanted to be somebody. Now I see that I should have been more specific.

Man does not live by words alone, despite the fact that sometimes he has to eat them.

A procrastinator’s work is never done.

If you’re not confused, you’re not paying attention.

“There is no reason anyone would want a computer in their home.” — Ken Olson, founder of Digital Equipment Corp., 1977.

My girlfriend told me I should be more affectionate. So I got two more girlfriends.

An egotist has one point in his favour – he doesn’t go round talking about other people.

“I have never let my schooling interfere with my education.”—Mark Twain

Just because you’re not paranoid doesn’t mean they’re not out to get you.

“You can always count on Americans to do the right thing—after they’ve tried everything else” – Winston Churchill

Jokes about German sausage are the wurst.

Hang in there; retirement is only thirty years away.

Support bacteria – they’re the only culture some people have.

A bachelor is a man who comes to work from a different direction each morning.

Early to rise, early to bed, makes a man healthy but socially dead.

Consciousness: that annoying time between naps.

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If At First You Don’t Succeed... Blame Someone Else And Seek Counseling.

It is a small world, but I wouldn’t like to have to paint it.

For Sale: Parachute. Only used once, never opened, small stain.

In democracy it’s your vote that counts. In feudalism it’s your count that votes.

“Oh dear,” said God, “I hadn’t thought of that,” and promptly vanished in a puff of logic.

Jack and Jill did it for the insurance.

Where there’s a will, I want to be in it.

The best computer is a man, and it’s the only one that can be mass-produced by unskilled labour.

If you can’t convince them, confuse them.

Technology is a way of organizing the universe so that man doesn’t have to experience it.

Men’s faults are many, women have only two. Everything they say, and everything they do.

Snowmen fall from Heaven unassembled.

I think animal testing is a terrible idea; they get all nervous and give the wrong answers.

Smoking cures weight problems...eventually...

“C++ : Where friends have access to your private members.” — Gavin Russell Baker.

Blessed are the young, for they shall inherit the national debt.

Men are from earth. Women are from earth. Deal with it.

Being single is like a vacuum. It sucks when you are turned on.

Remember... Marriage is the number one cause of divorce. Statistically, 100% of all divorces started with marriage.

“People who drink light beer don’t like the taste of beer; they just like to pee a lot” — Rodney Dangerfield

Democracy is the recurrent suspicion that more than half of the people are right more than half of the time.

I live in my own little world, but it’s ok they know me here.

Solitude is fine, but you need someone to tell you that solitude is fine.

Only a fool is astonished by the foolishness of humankind.

Some people are alive only because it’s illegal to kill them.

I stayed up all night to see where the sun went. Then it dawned on me.

Being in the army is like being in the Boy Scouts, except that the Boy Scouts have adult supervision.

Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?

Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying of nothing.

If I were two-faced, would I be wearing this one?

Ninety-nine per cent of the people in the world are fools and the rest of us are in great danger of contagion.

“I could tell that my parents hated me. My bath toys were a toaster and a radio” — Rodney Dangerfield

You’ll never get to heaven if you’re scared of getting high.

The earthquake in Washington obviously was the government’s fault.

I married my wife for her looks... but not the ones she’s been giving me lately!

Why do we wash bath towels, aren’t we clean when we use them?

The only perfect science is hindsight.

Quantum mechanics: The dreams stuff is made of.

Don’t stop to stomp on ants when the elephants are stampeding.

How do you know if a fish is Irish? It has drowned.

I think, therefore I am single.

“As a matter of fact” is an expression that precedes many an expression that isn’t.

“There are only two things that are infinite: the universe and human stupidity. And I’m not sure about the universe.” A. Einstein

I changed my iPod’s name to Titanic. It’s syncing now.

Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7th of your life.

Everybody is ignorant, only on different subjects.

Half of being smart is knowing what you are dumb at.

I have had more trouble with myself than with any other man I’ve met.

Sheep don’t fly so much as plummet.

Statistics are like bikinis – What they reveal is suggestive, but what they conceal is vital.

Why is it that to stop Windows, you have to click on “Start”?

A guy got arrested for playing the guitar. He was fingering a minor.

“Auntie Em: hate you, hate Kansas, taking the dog.” – Dorothy

I take everything I can for my kleptomania.

If at first you don’t succeed, try, try again. Then quit. There’s no use being a damned fool about it.

People can be divided into three groups: Those who make things happen, those who watch things happen, and those who wonder what happened.

“Then he ran into my knife. He ran into my knife ten times.” – Chicago

I took an IQ test and the results were negative.

Latest survey shows that 3 out of 4 people make up 75% of the world’s population.

You can always spot a well-informed man – his views are the same as yours.

Always try to be modest and be proud of it!

Cheerfulness is contagious, but don’t wait to catch it from others. Be a carrier.

What sane person could live in this world and not be crazy?

“A girl phoned me the other day and said... Come on over, there’s nobody home. I went over. Nobody was home” — Rodney Dangerfield

The day I can’t do my job drunk is the day I turn in my badge and gun.

I don’t want to achieve immortality through my work. I want to achieve immortality through not dying.

Did you hear about the cross-eyed teacher who lost her job because she couldn’t control her pupils?

Be thankful for problems. If they were less difficult, someone with less ability might have your job.

There’s a difference between being open-minded and having a hole in your head

It’s hard to face the problem, when the problem is your face.

Anger is only one letter away from danger.

You can’t have everything. Where would you put it?

I am not a vegetarian because I love animals; I am a vegetarian because I hate plants.

It’s important to be open-minded, but not SO open-minded that your brains fall out.

Genius is 1% inspiration, and 99% perspiration.

If you can’t dazzle them with brilliance... just baffle them with bullsh*t.

They say you only use ten percent of your brain. What about the other ten?

If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?

I’m an idealist: I don’t know where I’m going, but I’m on my way.

An army of deer led by a lion is more to be feared than an army of lions led by a deer.

Streakers beware: Your end is in sight.

Lots of people know a good thing the minute the other fellow sees it first.

“Reading computer manuals without the hardware is as frustrating as reading sex manuals without the software.” — Arthur C. Clarke.

In this world, nothing is certain but death and taxes. – Benjamin Franklin

Succeed in spite of management. Aim Low; Reach Your Goals, Avoid Disappointment.

If ever I get married again it would have to be under an anaesthetic.

If money talks, it ain’t on speakin’ terms with me.

Never buy a car you can’t push.

I love being married. It’s so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.

If you’re born again, do you have two bellybuttons?

It is hard to understand how a cemetery raised its burial charges and blamed it on the cost of living.

I don’t enjoy computer jokes; not one bit.

They say if you play a Microsoft CD backwards you hear satanic messages. That’s nothing, if you play it forwards it installs Windows.

The trouble with life is there’s no background music.

Save the whales. Collect the whole set.

If we aren’t supposed to eat animals, why are they made of meat?

My mind not only wanders, sometimes it leaves completely.

My life has a superb cast but I can’t figure out the plot.

If you’re not wasted, the day is.

“How come we choose from just two people to run for president and 50 for Miss America?”

Most vegetarians look so much like the food they eat that they can be classified as cannibals.

When in trouble, fear or doubt, run in circles, scream and shout.

System Error - Windows Loaded

I’m sorry; you cannot have an outlook on life because it isn’t responding. Microsoft apologises for any inconvenience.

On the plus side, death is one of the few things that can be done just as easily as lying down.

Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian any more than going to the garage makes you a car.

Whenever there is any doubt, there is no doubt.

A day without sun shine is like, you know, night.

All those who believe in psycho kinesis raise my hand.

Authority makes some people grow – and others just swell.

He who trains his tongue to quote the learned sages, will be known far and wide as a smart ass.

If at first you don’t succeed, destroy all the evidence that you tried.

Don’t marry for money. You can borrow it cheaper.

Bacteria: the only culture some people have.

Foolproof systems don’t take into account the ingenuity of fools.

Partying... oops No Only Parting... sorry

“How can a president not be an actor?” – when asked “How could an actor become president?” – Ronald Reagan

Plato is dead, Einstein is dead, and I’m not feeling too good myself...

Remember half the people you know are below average.

In the beginning, there was nothing. Then God said, “Let there be light,” and there was still nothing, but you could see it.

The most powerful force in the universe is gossip.

The number of people watching you is directly proportional to the stupidity of your action.

Eat a live toad first thing in the morning, and nothing worse can happen to you the rest of the day.

Marriage is not a word; it is a sentence.

“Always be sincere, even when you don’t mean it”. — Irene Peter

If we don’t succeed, we run the risk of failure.

I can please only one person per day. Today is not your day. Tomorrow isn’t looking good either.

If con is the opposite of pro, congress is the opposite of progress.

If puns were outlawed, only outlaws would have puns.

Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.

“You, you and you: panic. The rest of you, come with me.”

Man who eat many prunes get good run for money.

If Bill Gates had a nickel for every time Windows crashed... oh wait, he does.

Honesty is the best policy, but insanity is a better defence.

Why does Sea World have a seafood restaurant? I’m halfway through my fish burger and I realize, Oh my gosh... I could be eating a slow learner.

Eagles may soar, but weasels don’t get sucked into jet engines.

After all is said and done, more is said than done.

“Always in motion the future is. Seasick it makes me. That’s why so green I am”. – Yoda

“He has been given a large brain by mistake, since for him the spinal cord would fully suffice.” — Albert Einstein

History will be kind to me for I intend to write it. – Winston Churchill

“The generation of random numbers is too important to be left to chance.” — Robert R. Coveyou, Oak Ridge National Laboratory.

I have noticed that the people who are late are often so much jollier that the people who have to wait for them.

Needing someone is like needing a parachute. If he isn’t there the first time you need him, chances are you won’t be needing him again.

A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a train stops. On my desk I have a workstation...

Get a new car for your spouse – it’ll be a great trade!

Some pain is physical, and some is mental, but one that’s both is dental.

Wine divulges truth.

A bargain is something you don’t need at a price you can’t resist.

“They say hard work never hurt anybody, but I figure why take the chance.” – Ronald Reagan

A conclusion is simply the place where you got tired of thinking.

A penny saved is a Congressional spending oversight.

In the beginning, God created earth and rested. Then God created man and rested. Then God created woman. Since then, neither God nor man has rested.

There are two kinds of people, those who finish what they start, and so on.

Laugh at your problems; everybody else does.

Without question, the greatest invention in the history of mankind is beer. Oh, I grant you that the wheel was also a fine invention, but the wheel does not go nearly as well with pizza.

A hangover is the wrath of grapes.

The dictionary is the only place where success comes before work.

I don’t necessarily agree with everything I say.

How do you spot an Irishman at a carwash? He’s the one on the bike.

Impotence: Nature’s Way Of Saying “No Hard Feelings”.

The only difference between Genius and Insanity... is success.

“This report, by its very length, defends itself against the risk of being read”. — Winston Churchill

PMS jokes aren’t funny. Period.

Murphy’s Golden Rule: Whoever has the gold makes the rules.

I couldn’t repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.

Even paranoids have real enemies.

Once, during prohibition, I was forced to live for days on nothing but food and water.

Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.

When life hands you a lemon, make lemonade.

My husband says I never listen to him (at least I think that’s what he said)

Help Wanted: Telepath. You know where to apply.

I think that’s how Chicago got started. A bunch of people in New York said, “Gee, I’m enjoying the crime and the poverty, but it just isn’t cold enough. Let’s go west.”—Richard Jeni

You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They left a little note on the windscreen, it said ‘Parking Fine.’

Promises are like babies: fun to make, but hell to deliver.

“Heavier-than-air flying machines are impossible.” — Lord Kelvin, president, Royal Society, 1895.

“I think there is a world market for maybe five computers.” — Thomas Watson, chairman of IBM, 1943.

Under capitalism, man exploits man. Under Communism, it’s just the opposite.

To B or not to B? *kills the B* I HATE BEES!!!! – LynxofCP

My parents stayed together for forty years, but that was out of spite.

If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?

The amount of work to be done increases in proportion to the amount of work already completed. — VAIL’S SECOND AXIOM

Everyone hates me because I’m paranoid.

Velcro — what a rip off!

My mind works like lightning. One brilliant flash and it is gone.

Alcohol: the cause of, and solution to, all of life’s problems.

It is well to remember the entire population of the universe, with one trifling exception, is composed of others.

I used to think I was indecisive, but now I’m not sure.

You can say any foolish thing to a dog, and the dog will give you a look that says, “My God, you’re right! I never would’ve thought of that!”

If olive oil comes from olives, where does baby oil come from?

Shin: a device for finding furniture in the dark.

Make three correct guesses consecutively and you will establish yourself as an expert.

“The web is a dominatrix. Every where I turn, I see little buttons ordering me to Submit.” — Nytwind.

My reality check just bounced.

Best way to get a man to do something, is to suggest they are too old for it.

Man shoots neighbour with machete [The Miami Herald, July 3]

I don’t suffer from stress. I’m a carrier.

A bird in the hand is safer than one overhead.

I’m reading a book about anti-gravity. I can’t put it down.

We spend the first twelve months of our children’s lives teaching them to walk and talk and the next twelve telling them to sit down and shut up.

“Hey, I’ve got reasons for what I’m doing,” REALLY MEANS, “I sure hope I think of some pretty soon.”

Time flies like an arrow – fruit flies like a banana.

Well if this is the wrong number, why did you answer it?

“War does not determine who is right - only who is left.” – Bertrand Russell

Marriage is a three-ring circus: engagement ring, wedding ring, and suffering.

I don’t have an attitude problem. You have a perception problem.

You’re not drunk if you can lie on the floor without holding on.

Every morning is the dawn of a new error.

The shortest distance between two points is under construction.

Outside a Hong Kong tailor shop: Ladies may have a fit upstairs.

I wished the buck stopped here, as I could use a few.

Some people say that I must be a horrible person, but that’s not true. I have the heart of a young boy – in a jar on my desk.

Restarting System - Mouse Moved

Hemp is a herb. Bush is a dope.

If you don’t know where you are going, you might wind up someplace else.

Life is complex: it has real and imaginary parts.

Better to remain silent and be thought a fool, than to speak and remove all doubt.

Nothing means nothing, but it isn’t really nothing because nothing is something that isn’t.

Maybe I’m lucky to be going so slowly, because I may be going in the wrong direction.

It is hard enough to remember my opinions, without also remembering my reasons for them!

There are two kinds of people, those who finish what they start, and so on.

Heck is where people go who don’t believe in gosh.

In elementary school, in case of fire, you have to line up quietly in a single file line from smallest to tallest. What is the logic? Do tall people burn slower?

Well, this day was a total waste of makeup.

How did Moses make his tea? Hebrews it.

Time is a great teacher, but unfortunately it kills all its pupils.

It’s easy to quit smoking... I’ve done it over 10,000 times.

A synonym is a word you use when you can’t spell the word you first thought of.

If quizzes are quizzical, what are tests?

There are 3 kinds of people: those who can count and those who can’t.

Not all men are annoying. Some are dead.

A committee is a body that keeps minutes and wastes hours.

When Chemists die, they barium.

Insanity is hereditary; you can get it from your children.

AIBOHPHOBIA – the fear of palindromes.

Haunted French pancakes give me the crêpes.

People who think they know everything are annoying to those of us who do.

This mind intentionally left blank

“The best thing about the future is that it comes only one day at a time.” – Abraham Lincoln

It’s not hard to meet expenses, they’re everywhere.

Experience is something you do not get until just after you need it.

I’d like to see things your way, but I’m looking in another direction.

There are 10 types of people in the world: Those who understand binary, and those who don’t.

Killed - Personality Incompatibility

Stupidity is not a handicap. Park elsewhere!

The trouble with jogging is that, by the time you realise you’re not in shape for it, it’s far too far to walk back.

Bacteria: the only culture some people have.

I heard a man say that brigands demand your money or your life, whereas women require both.

An egotist is a person of low taste—more interested in himself than in me.

I want to die peacefully in my sleep like my grandfather, not screaming in abject horror like his passengers.

Everybody lies, but it doesn’t matter since nobody listens.

“My computer NEVER loc

The sooner you fall behind the more time you’ll have to catch up.

Errors have been made. Others will be blamed.

I didn’t like my beard at first. Then it grew on me.

“Life is a waste of time, time is a waste of life, so get wasted all of the time and have the time of your life”. — Tom Waits

It’s just a job. Grass grows, birds fly, waves pound the sand. I just beat people up. – Muhammad Ali

I used to think I was indecisive, but now I’m not sure.

It’s not true that married men live longer than single men. It only seems longer.

Knowledge is the key, but where is the damn lock?

How do you keep an Irishman busy? Write P.T.O on both sides of a piece of paper.

Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?

If you can’t beat your computer at chess, try kickboxing.

When you are arguing with an idiot, make sure the other person isn’t doing the same thing.

I laugh in the face of danger, except if I’m involved.

Quantum: Noun, word used to sound like I know what I’m talking about while discussing physics I’ve never actually studied.

If a woman has to choose between catching a fly ball and saving an infant’s life, she will choose to save the infant’s life without even considering if there is a man on base.—Dave Barry

Legend: a lie that has attained the dignity of age.

Seeing a murder on television...will help work off one’s antagonisms. And if you haven’t any antagonisms, the commercials will give you some.

On the other hand you have different fingers.

We waste time, so you don’t have to.

Santa’s helpers are subordinate clauses.

As the light changed from red to green to yellow and back to red again, I sat there thinking about life. Was it nothing more than a bunch of honking and yelling? Sometimes it seemed that way.

Never go to a doctor whose office plants have died.

Laughing stock: cattle with a sense of humour.

I don’t have a solution but I admire the problem.

Stupidity is not a handicap! Park somewhere else!

The chance of a piece of bread falling with the buttered side down is directly proportional to the cost of the carpet.

I always wanted to be a procrastinator, never got around to it though.

Compromise: the art of dividing a cake so that everybody believes he or she got the biggest piece.

Sometimes I think the surest sign that intelligent life exists elsewhere in the universe is that none of it has tried to contact us.

“Few things are harder to put up with than a good example.”—Mark Twain

Two signs from a Majorcan shop entrance: English well speaking / Here speeching American.

Jokes about German sausage are the wurst.

Show me a piano falling down a mineshaft and I’ll show you A-flat minor.

Man who run in front of car get tired.

Caution – Driver Legally Blonde!

I’m not dumb; I just have a command of thoroughly useless information.

I have gone to look for myself, if I should return before I get back, keep me here.

A cartoonist was found dead in his home. Details are sketchy.

Always do sober what you said you’d do drunk. That will teach you to keep your mouth shut.

If you do not make dust, you eat dust.

If we learn by our mistakes, some of us are getting one hell of an education!

Instead of getting married again, I’m going to find a woman I don’t like and just give her a house.—Rod Stewart

I thought I made a mistake once, but I was wrong.

You have the right to your opinions. I just don’t want to hear them.

Connection Reset By Aboriginal With Wire Cutters

“A patriot must always be ready to defend his country against his government”. — Edward Abbey

Perhaps you’re diagonally parked in a parallel universe?

One of the greatest labour-saving inventions today is tomorrow.

I am amazed at radio DJ’s today. I am firmly convinced that AM on my radio stands for Absolute Moron. I will not begin to tell you what FM stands for.

Those who can laugh without cause have either found the true meaning of happiness or have gone stark raving mad.

If at first you don’t succeed, try management.

You have to stay in shape. My grandmother, she started walking five miles a day when she was 60. She’s 97 today and we don’t know where the hell she is.

There are very few personal problems that cannot be solved through a suitable application of high explosives.

It’s bad luck to be superstitious.

Roses are red, Violets are blue. In Soviet Russia, Poems write you.

“When in doubt tell the truth.”—Mark Twain

If automobiles had followed the same development cycle as the computer, a Rolls Royce would today cost $100, get a million miles per gallon, and explode once a year, killing everyone inside.

Leftists are among the first to speak of their rights.

Advertisement for donkey rides in Thailand: Would you like to ride on your own ass?

Man who run behind car get exhausted.

Early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.

To find out a girl’s faults, praise her to her girl friends.

Brain: an apparatus with which we think we think.

“Every mighty oak was once just a nut who stood his ground.”

If the human brain were so simple that we could understand it, we would be so simple we couldn’t.

Marriage changes passion... suddenly you’re in bed with a relative.

Don’t Be Sexist – Broads Hate That.

I work hard because millions on welfare depend on me.

What does a clock do when it’s hungry? It goes back four seconds.

Accept that some days you’re the pigeon, and some days you’re the statue.

The secret of success is sincerity. Once you can fake that you’ve got it made.

In a Norwegian cocktail lounge: Ladies are requested not to have children in the bar.

Humour. It is a difficult concept. It is not logical.

I am obviously right, and as you disagree with me, then logically you must be wrong.

So Many Pedestrians – So Little Time.

I love cats – they taste just like chicken.

There are only three kinds of people; people who can count and people who can’t.

Oh, don’t fuss. I just cut myself. It’s no big deal,” REALLY MEANS, “I have actually severed a limb, but will bleed to death before I admit I’m hurt.”

I stayed up all night to see where the sun went. Then it dawned on me.

Cole’s Law: Thinly sliced cabbage.

According to recent study someone is run over by a car every 5 minutes in the city. You’d think the guy would have enough sense to get out of the street.

If it’s 0 degrees today and it’s going to be twice as cold tomorrow... how cold will it be?

A person who smiles in the face of adversity... probably has a scapegoat.

The most precious thing we have is life. Yet it has absolutely no trade-in value.

Half of the people in the world are below average.

Does your train of thought have a caboose?

Life is far too important to be taken seriously.

“There are two major products that come out of Berkeley: LSD and UNIX. We don’t believe this to be a coincidence.” — Jeremy S. Anderson

I’m not afraid of heights, only widths.

If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?

Despite the cost of living it’s still very popular.

“I worked in a pet shop and people kept asking how big I’d get” — Rodney Dangerfield

I like to start my periods with sentences.

The fellow who thinks he knows it all is especially annoying to those of us who do.

Last night I lay in bed looking up at the stars in the sky and I thought to myself, “Where the heck is the ceiling?”

Tell me what you need, and I’ll tell you how to get along without it.

If trees could scream, would we be so cavalier about cutting them down? We might, if they screamed all the time, for no good reason.

When a clock is hungry, it goes back four seconds.

A team effort is a lot of people doing what I say

Make sure your mind isn’t so open that your brains fall out.

Years ago fairy tales began with “Once upon a time...” Now it’s “If I am elected...”

Bigamy is having one wife too many. Monogamy is the same. – Oscar Wilde

Smith & Wesson — the original point and click interface.

A poor excuse is like an old bucket; doesn’t matter what shape it is in, as long as it holds water.

Military intelligence is a contradiction in terms.

One good thing about repeating your mistakes is that you know when to cringe.

It is a fitting irony that under Richard Nixon, ‘launder’ became a dirty word.

“Managing senior programmers is like herding cats” — Dave Platt.

Friends may come and go, but enemies accumulate

Get even – live long enough to be a problem to your kids.

I’m an apathetic sociopath – I’d kill you if I cared.

Lead us not into temptation. Just tell us where it is; we’ll find it.

What happens if you get scared half to death twice?

I hate women because they always know where things are.

“You have to be careful about being too careful” – Beryl Pfizer

Why don’t you ever see the headline “Psychic Wins Lottery”?

I had some words with my wife, and she had some paragraphs with me.

A dyslexic man walks into a bra.

I’ve always wanted to be normal, but lately I’ve come to suspect that this is it.

Procrastinate Now!

An Apple a day keeps the doctor away. But... an onion a day keeps everyone away.

I’ve been trying for some time to develop a life style that doesn’t require my presence.

This Would Be Really Funny If It Weren’t Happening To Me.

Time is God’s way of keeping everything from happening at once.

If you choke a smurf, what colour does it turn?

Work expands to fill the time available. — PARKINSON’S LAW

Be nice to your kids. They’ll choose your nursing home.

Is Disney World the only people trap operated by a mouse?

Is there life before death?

It has recently been discovered that research causes cancer in rats.

I don’t approve of political jokes... I’ve seen too many of them get elected.

Eschew obfuscation.

If life was fair, Elvis would be alive and all the impersonators would be dead.

Proofread carefully to see if you any words out.

Next time you wave, use all your fingers.

If you don’t know why I’m mad at you, then I’m certainly not going to tell you

I married Miss Right. I just didn’t know her first name was Always.

God must love stupid people, he made so many.

Everybody has a photographic memory. Some don’t have film.

Everybody is somebody else’s weirdo.

My favorite mythical creature? The honest politician.

Isn’t having a smoking section in a restaurant like having a peeing section in a swimming pool?

Everybody is ignorant, only on different subjects.

I hope that after I die, people will say of me: “That guy sure owed me a lot of money.”

I get enough exercise just pushing my luck.

“#define QUESTION ((bb) || !(bb))” — Shakespeare

“Everyday I beat my own previous record for number of consecutive days I’ve stayed alive.”

Don’t be irreplaceable; if you cannot be replaced, you cannot be promoted.

A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat.

Applying computer technology is simply finding the right wrench to pound in the correct screw.

I love work; it fascinates me; I can sit and watch it for hours.

Climbers aim for the summit because it is there. Bungi jumpers dive off the top because they aren’t all there.

I often quote myself; it adds spice to my conversation.

What if there were no hypothetical questions?

I always wanted to be somebody, but I should have been more specific.

Englishmen never will be slaves: they are free to do whatever the Government and public opinion allow them to do.

Chaos, panic, & disorder – my work here is done.

When you do not know what you are doing, do it neatly.

It is not what a teenager knows that bothers his parents. It is how he found out.

I installed a skylight in my apartment. The people who live above me are furious.

How do you get an Irishman to burn his ear? Ring him up while he is ironing.

“I’d rather have a bottle in front of me, than a frontal lobotomy”. — Tom Waits

Acupuncture is a jab well done.

He’s so lazy. I’ve seen him step into a revolving door and wait.

Any ship can be a minesweeper... once.

Artificial Intelligence is no match for Natural Stupidity.

Sometimes I wake up grumpy; other times I let her sleep

If it’s true that we are here to help others, then what exactly are the others here for?

You’re such an inspiration for the way I’ll never choose to be.

The art of flying is to throw yourself at the ground and miss.

I either want less corruption, or more chance to participate in it.

He’s not dead, he’s electroencephalographically challenged.

Everything you like is bad for you in some way.

I wondered why the baseball was getting bigger. Then it hit me.

I intend to live forever – so far, so good.

Experience is simply the name we give our mistakes.

On a tombstone: I TOLD YOU I WAS SICK

Age is a very high price to pay for maturity.

Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.

Anything not nailed down is a cat toy.

You look like a million dollars. All green and wrinkled.

Ours is a world where people don’t know what they want and are willing to go through hell to get it.

The trouble with the rat race is that even if you win, you’re still a rat.

I generally avoid temptation unless I can’t resist it.

As long as there are tests, there will be prayer in public schools.

I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.

Abel Tasman on discovering Tasmania, “Too far south for spices and too close to the rim of the earth to be inhabited by anything but freaks and monsters”

Don’t use a big word where a diminutive one will suffice.

It doesn’t matter what temperature the room is; it’s always room temperature.

I thought I wanted a career, turns out I just wanted paychecks.

Money can’t buy happiness, but it sure makes misery easier to live with.

I majored in liberal arts. Will that be for here or to go?

Arguing on the Internet is like competing in the Special Olympics – even if you win, you are still retarded.

Five out of four people have trouble with fractions.

INDECISION is the key to FLEXIBILITY.

From the moment I picked your book up until I laid it down I was convulsed with laughter. Some day I intend reading it.

I’d explain it to you, but your brain would explode.

I majored in liberal arts. Will that be for here or to go?

Why is the man that invests your money called a broker?

Age is an issue of mind over matter. If you don’t mind, it doesn’t matter.

I guess traffic in the city is improving a little. Yesterday, I drove clear across town and only had to shave twice.

The illegal we do immediately. The unconstitutional takes a little longer. – Henry Kissinger

The only reason some people get lost in thought is because it’s unfamiliar territory.

Am I getting smart with you? How would you know?

Where do you find an Irish woodworm? Dead inside a brick.

The doctor can bury his mistakes but an architect can only advise his client to plant vines.

e=mc^2 where m = the number of cooks required to spoil the broth

Someday we’ll look back on all this and plow into the back of a parked car.

England has no kidney bank, but it does have a Liverpool.

Confidence is the feeling you have before you understand the situation.

“Inconceivable!” “I do not think that word means what you think it means.”

It’s not that I’m afraid to die; I just don’t want to be there when it happens.

Cleverly Disguised As A Responsible Adult.

There’s a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot.

Plagiarism saves time.

It is wiser to find out than to suppose.—Mark Twain

The short fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.

He does the work of three men: Larry, Moe and Curly.

Hypochondria is the only disease I haven’t got.

People with narrow minds usually have broad tongues.

Hope sees the invisible, feels the intangible and achieves the impossible.

Does this smell like chloroform to you?

Even crime wouldn’t pay if the government ran it.

Laugh and the world laughs with you; snore and you sleep alone.

Conscience is the inner voice warning us that someone may be looking.

Everyone needs belief in something. I believe I’ll have another beer.

Chipped dishes never break.

All the toilets in New York’s police stations have been stolen. The police have nothing to go on.

Energizer Bunny arrested: Charged with battery.

If someone with multiple personalities threatens suicide... is it considered a hostage situation?

I Haven’t Lost My Mind, It’s Backed Up On Disk Somewhere.

My one regret in life is that I am not someone else.

Connection Reset - Insufficient Electrons

Sex on television can’t hurt you unless you fall off.

Why is the third hand on the watch called a second hand?

I got a job at a bakery because I kneaded dough.

A drop of ink may make a million think.

Every time I look at you I get a fierce desire to be lonesome.

I used up all my sick days, so I’m calling in dead.

Being a philosopher, I have a problem for every solution.

If sex is such a natural phenomenon, how come there are so many books on how to do it.

He who smiles in a crisis has found someone to blame.

The dumber people think you are, the more surprised they’re going to be when you kill them—Rodney Dangerfield

I spent most of my money on booze, drugs and women... The rest I wasted!

I love deadlines. I especially like the whooshing sound they make as they go flying by.

If vegetable oil comes from vegetables, where does baby oil come from?

If all you have is a hammer, everything looks like a nail.

Constipated People Don’t Give A Crap.

What Has Four Legs And An Arm? A Happy Pit Bull.

Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?

I used to be apathetic, but now I don’t give a damn.

We must believe in free will, we have no choice.

Everything is possible; just not too probable.

A bird does not sing because it has an answer—it sings because it has a song.

They told me I had type A blood, but it was a Type O

Warning: Dates in Calendar are closer than they appear.

Whenever people agree with me, I always feel I must be wrong.

Honk if you love peace and quiet.

You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.

A baby sitter is a teenager acting like an adult while the adults are out acting like teenagers.

I have a simple philosophy. Fill what’s empty. Empty what’s full. Scratch where it itches.

If people concentrated on the really important things in life, there’d be a shortage of fishing poles.

There is nothing so annoying as to have two people go right on talking when you’re interrupting.

If at first you do succeed, try to hide your astonishment.

Allow me to introduce my selves.

If you don’t know where you are going, you will wind up somewhere else.

This comment is printed on 100% recycled electrons.

We Quit Voting Will They All Go Away?

“If builders built buildings the way programmers write programs, then the first woodpecker that came along would destroy civilization” — Weinberg’s Second Law.

I have the body of a GOD – Buddha.

What’s the definition of a will? (It’s a dead giveaway).

On the keyboard of life, always keep one finger on the escape key.

What hair color do they put on the driver’s licenses of bald men?

Broken pencils are pointless.

Whenever I feel like exercise, I lie down until the feeling passes.

Politicians are people who, when they see the light at the end of the tunnel, go out and buy more tunnel.

TEAMWORK... means never having to take all the blame yourself.

All men are equal. Some are just more equal than others.

“I have left orders to be awakened at any time in case of national emergency – even if I’m in a Cabinet meeting.” – Ronald Reagan

I’m in no shape to exercise.

To err is human – and to blame it on a computer is even more so.

I used to be a Kleptomaniac, But now I’m taking something for it

The light at the end of the tunnel has been turned off due to budget cuts.

“I wish everyone was peaceful. Then I could take over the planet with a butter knife”—Dogbert

The human brain is a wonderful thing. It starts working the moment you are born, and never stops until you stand up to speak in public.

I arise in the morning torn between a desire to improve the world and a desire to enjoy the world. This makes it hard to plan the day.

When you come to a fork in the road, take it.

Someone sent me a postcard picture of the earth. On the back it said, “Wish you were here.”

99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.

Don’t take life too seriously—you’ll never get out of it alive.

I’m not into working out. My philosophy: No pain, no pain.

People don’t grow up; they just learn how to act in public.

It used to be only death and taxes were inevitable. Now, of course, there’s shipping and handling, too.

Always remember you’re unique, just like everyone else.

Be careful when reading health books; you may die of a misprint.

I don’t meet competition. I crush it

When in doubt, mumble.

If you try and don’t succeed, cheat. Repeat until caught. Then lie.

I took a speed reading course and read ‘War and Peace’ in twenty minutes. It involves Russia. Enough women for four.

How do I set a laser printer to stun?

When all other means of communication fail, try words.

I started out with nothing, and I still have most of it.

“I believe in equality for everyone, except reporters and photographers”. — Gandhi

Age is a question of mind over matter. If you don’t mind, it don’t matter.

Good judgement comes from experience. Experience comes from bad judgement.

Don’t look back. Something may be gaining on you.

Money is flat and meant to be piled up. – Scottish Proverb

As a final incentive before giving up a difficult task, try to imagine it successfully accomplished by someone you violently dislike.

He often broke into song because he couldn’t find the key.

If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?

We have two ends. One for sitting and one for thinking. Our success depends on which one we use most.

If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?

I was at a bar nursing a beer. My nipple was getting quite soggy.

“If carrots are so good for the eyes, how come I see so many dead rabbits on the highway?”

I like children. Properly cooked.

The early bird gets the worm, but the early worm gets eaten.

“Are you going to come quietly, or do I have to use earplugs?”—Vale Spike Milligan

I did a theatrical performance about puns. It was a play on words.

Hard work never killed anybody but why take the chance?

111,111,111 x 111,111,111 = 12,345,678,987,654,321

Be kind to your dentist. He has fillings, too.

Tips for Vegetarians: Hit a chicken enough times and it turns into a vegetable.

If it weren’t for electricity we’d all be watching television by candlelight?

In the office of a Roman doctor: Specialist in women and other diseases.

I wonder how much deeper would the ocean be without sponges.

Success always occurs in private, and failure in full public view.

Some people are going to leave a mark on this world, while others will leave a stain.

Money is better than poverty, if only for financial reasons.

Anyone who told you to be yourself couldn’t have given you worse advice.

“I am not worried about the deficit. It is big enough to take care of itself.” – Ronald Reagan

Anything that can become tangled around something else, will.

If a man opens a car door for a woman, either the car is new or the woman.

Progress was all right. Only it went on too long.

We are going on a field trip to the Coca-Cola factory. I hope there are no pop quizzes.

Anyone can admit they were wrong; the true test is admitting it to someone else.

I don’t suffer from stress. I’m a carrier.

If a job is worth doing well get someone else to do it.

Bachelors know more about women than married men; if they didn’t they’d be married too.

I’m quite easy to get along with, once you learn to beckon at my every call and yield to all my desires.

Men don’t care what’s on TV. They only care what else is on TV.

Red Tape Holds Up New Bridge!

Well, if I called the wrong number, why did you answer the phone?

“Thinking is the hardest work there is, which is probably why so few engage in it”. — Henry Ford

Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

At the age of six I wanted to be a cook. At seven I wanted to be Napoleon. And my ambition has been growing steadily ever since.

Who is General Failure and why is he reading my hard disk?

To define recursion, we must first define recursion.

The sooner you fall behind the more time you’ll have to catch up.

No problem is so big and complicated that it can’t be ran away from.

An Irish man was driving to the airport when he saw a sign saying ‘Airport – Left’... So he went home.

I can resist everything except temptation.

“Blink your eyelids periodically to lubricate your eyes.” — Page 16 of the HP “Environmental, Health Safety Handbook for Employees”.

Shin: a device for finding furniture in the dark.

I fear my inferiority complex is not as good as yours.

The things that come to those that wait may be the things left by those who got there first.

I used to find him boring until I stopped listening.

Where you stand depends on where you sit.

If you think nobody cares if you’re alive, try missing a couple of car payments.

Prediction is extremely difficult. Especially about the future.

A clean tie attracts the soup of the day.

I have spent my whole life looking for the perfect woman, and now I’ve found her. Too bad she’s looking for the perfect man.

When I was a boy I was told that anybody could become president; I’m beginning to believe it.

One day I will get this peer guy and reset his connection.

If you want a committed man, look in a mental hospital.

Tip the world over on its side and everything loose will land in Los Angeles.

Just remember... if the world didn’t suck, we’d all fall off.

Youth is a wonderful thing. What a crime to waste it on children.

Originality is the fine art of remembering what you hear, but forgetting where you heard it.

Love is like an hourglass, with the heart filling up as the brain empties.

It is not my interest to pay the principal, nor my principal to pay the interest.

Having more money doesn’t make you happier. I have 50 million dollars but I’m just as happy as when I had 48 million. ~ Arnold Schwarzenegger.

Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way when you criticize them, you are a mile away from them and you have their shoes.

Before you give a colleague a piece of your mind, be sure you can spare it.

Plan to be spontaneous tomorrow.

Anything’s possible... apart from skiing through a revolving door.

How can you come out of a closet if you never went in there in the first place?

A diplomatic husband said to his wife, how do you expect me to remember your birthday when you never look any older?

I envy people who drink – at least they know what to blame everything on.

The surprising thing about young fools is how many survive to become old fools.

I have kleptomania, but when it gets bad, I take something for it. ~ Robert Benchle

It is said that if you line up all the cars in the world end to end, someone would be stupid enough to try and pass them.

Honest criticism is hard to take, particularly from a relative, a friend, an acquaintance, or a stranger.

How do you sink an Irish Submarine? Knock on the hatch.

Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.

Modesty is a virtue of fools.

“My wife made me join a bridge club. I jump off next Tuesday” — Rodney Dangerfield

Why is it that doctors call what they do “practice”?

I’d give my right arm to be ambidextrous.

Cab drivers are living proof that practice does not make perfect.

If I were someone who knew something, who could I tell that would believe me?

“If women didn’t exist, all the money in the world would have no meaning.” – Aristotle Onassis

I don’t believe in astrology. I am a Sagittarius and we’re very skeptical. ~ Arthur C. Clarke

What do you call a dinosaur with an extensive vocabulary? A thesaurus.

Don’t use a big word where a diminutive one will suffice.

I tried sniffing Coke once, but the ice cubes got stuck in my nose.

Outside of a dog, a book is probably man’s best friend, and inside of a dog, it’s too dark to read.

Gossip: The art of saying nothing while leaving nothing unsaid.

You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say will be misquoted then used against you.

At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be “What is hell?” Come early and listen to our choir practice.

Never underestimate the power of very stupid people in large groups.

“I would like to live in Manchester, England. The transition between Manchester and death would be unnoticeable”. — Mark Twain

When angry count four, when very angry, swear.

We’ve made great medical progress in the last generation. What used to be merely an itch is now an allergy.

In a Tokyo shop: Our nylons cost more than common, but you’ll find they are best in the long run.

A pessimist is a man who has been compelled to live with an optimist

“You start coding. I’ll go find out what they want.” — Computer analyst to programmer

If you can stay calm, while all around you is chaos... then you probably haven’t completely understood the situation.

Madness takes its toll. Please have exact change.

That which cannot be taken apart will fall apart.

Anything not nailed down is mine. Anything I can pry loose is not nailed down.

Macho Law prohibits me from admitting I’m wrong.

Brilliant, but with the social skills of a thermonuclear device.

To succeed in politics, it is often necessary to rise above your principles.

Men have a much better time of it than women; for one thing, they marry later; for another thing they die earlier.

“On two occasions I have been asked [by members of Parliament!]: ‘Pray, Mr. Babbage, if you put into the machine wrong figures, will the right answers come out ?’ I am not able rightly to apprehend the kind of confusion of ideas that could provoke such a question.” — Charles Babbage.

Cheer up, the worst is yet to come.

My schoolmates would make love to anything that moved, but I never saw any reason to limit myself.

One good turn gets most of the blankets.

Ever stop to think and forget to start again?

The more time you spend in reporting on what you are doing, the less time you have to do it in. Stability is achieved when you spend all your time doing nothing but reporting on the nothing you are doing.

Age always corresponds inversely to the size of your multivitamin.

If the French were really intelligent, they’d speak English.

The second day of a diet is alway easier than the first. By the second day, you’re off it.

Of course, we are all worms—but I like to think, at least, that I am a glow-worm. – Winston Churchill

Raising teenagers is like trying to nail Jell-O to a tree.

This girl said she recognized me from the vegetarian club, but I’d never met herbivore

If you want your spouse to listen and pay strict attention to every word you say, talk in your sleep.

If I’d known I was going to live this long, I’d have taken better care of myself.

Nick Overruled - Democratic Majority Decision

Moderation in all things, including moderation.

If you can’t be kind, at least have the decency to be vague.

A backwards poet writes inverse.

Horn broken. Watch for finger. (on bumper sticker)

Don’t talk unless you can improve the silence.

When I was young, I could remember anything. Whether it happened or not.

Character is what you are in the dark.

Go the extra mile. It makes your boss look like an incompetent slacker.

Sheep don’t fly so much as plummet.

Just because your head is the biggest doesn’t mean it contains the right ideas.

“I’ve noticed that everyone who is for abortion has already been born.” – Ronald Reagan

Seen it all, done it all, can’t remember most of it.

IRS: We’ve got what it takes to take what you’ve got.

Democracy is a government where you can say what you think even if you don’t think.

Love is blind, but marriage is a real eye-opener.

A great many people think they are thinking when they are merely rearranging their prejudices.

When your IQ reaches 80 –– sell.

For people who like peace and quiet – a phoneless cord.

Never argue with an idiot. They drag you down to their level then beat you with experience.

There’s a fine line between genius and insanity. I have erased this line.

Optimists believe we live on the greatest world. Pessimists believe this is true.

When he first ran for office, he appealed to the voters: “I never stole anything in my life. All I ask is a chance.”

I like kids, but I don’t think I could eat a whole one.

There are two types of people in this world, good and bad. The good sleep better, but the bad seem to enjoy the waking hours much more.

I used to be a banker, but then I lost interest.

System Error - Windows Loaded

I am free of all prejudices. I hate everyone equally.

Doctor, Doctor You’ve got to help me – I just can’t stop my hands shaking. Do you drink a lot? Not really – I spill most of it!

He who laughs last thinks slowest.

Why is it called tourist season if we can’t shoot at them?

“The object of war is not to die for your country but to make the other bastard die for his.” – General George Patton

Blessed are those who can laugh at themselves, they will never cease to be amused.

The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.

The beatings will continue until morale improves.

The world is full of willing people; some willing to work, the rest willing to let them.

Women like silent men. They think they’re listening.

“This ‘telephone’ has too many shortcomings to be seriously considered as a means of communication.” — Western Union internal memo, 1876.

A soldier who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran.

I have great faith in fools; my friends call it self-confidence.

Lord, if you won’t make me skinny, please make all my friends fat.

Somewhere on this globe, every ten seconds, is a woman giving birth to a child. She must be found and stopped.

If a President doesn’t do it to his wife, he’ll do it to his country.

The man who fell into an upholstery machine is fully recovered.

Before marriage, a man yearns for the woman he loves. After marriage, the ‘Y’ becomes silent.

Two strings walk into a bar. The first string says to the bartender, “Bartender, I’ll have a beer. u.5n$x5t?*&4ru!2[sACCErJ”. The second string says, “Pardon my friend, he isn’t NULL terminated”.

I’m out of my mind, but feel free to leave a message.

There are three ways to get something done: do it yourself, hire someone, or forbid your kids to do it.

Time’s fun when you’re having flies... Kermit the Frog

What’s another word for Thesaurus?

I dropped out of communism class because of lousy Marx.

I Refuse To Have A Battle Of Wits With An Unarmed Person.

When I’m not in my right mind, my left mind gets pretty crowded

I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.

“Banking establishments are more dangerous than standing armies”. — Thomas Jefferson

Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy.

Mind like a steel trap – rusty and illegal in most states.

Remember, half the people you know are below average.

I don’t like people who take drugs... Customs Officers for example.

If the world should blow itself up, the last audible voice would be that of an expert saying it can’t be done.

“Your mouse has moved. Windows must be restarted for the change to take effect. Reboot now ? [OK]”

Doctor, Doctor I keep getting pains in the eye when I drink coffee. Have you tried taking the spoon out?

I’m desperately trying to figure out why kamikaze pilots wore helmets.

What do you call a dinosaur with an extensive vocabulary? A thesaurus.

I tried to photograph the fog, but I mist.

Programmer – A red-eyed, mumbling mammal capable of conversing with inanimate objects.

There is no such thing as an underestimate of average intelligence

Slow is when someone laps you in the hundred-yard dash

Some people are alive only because it’s illegal to kill them.

A study in the Washington Post says that women have better verbal skills than men. I just want to say to the authors of that study: “Duh.”— Conan O’Brien

If I have to work for an idiot, I might as well work for myself.

A dog that attends a flea circus most likely will steal the whole show.

I spilled spot remover on my dog. Now he’s gone.

Men occasionally stumble over the truth, but most of them pick themselves up and hurry off as if nothing had happened. – Winston Churchill

Any task worth doing was worth doing yesterday.

“When you starve with a tiger, the tiger starves last”. — Griffin’s Thought

In a Copenhagen airline ticket office: We take your bags and send them in all directions.

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