Amusing Quotes & One-Liners

Cheerfulness is contagious, but don’t wait to catch it from others. Be a carrier.

“Hey, I’ve got reasons for what I’m doing,” REALLY MEANS, “I sure hope I think of some pretty soon.”

Moderation in all things, including moderation.

The light at the end of the tunnel has been turned off due to budget cuts.

Abel Tasman on discovering Tasmania, “Too far south for spices and too close to the rim of the earth to be inhabited by anything but freaks and monsters”

There are 3 kinds of people: those who can count and those who can’t.

Experience is something you do not get until just after you need it.

Money is flat and meant to be piled up. – Scottish Proverb

Never go to a doctor whose office plants have died.

If I were someone who knew something, who could I tell that would believe me?

“Banking establishments are more dangerous than standing armies”. — Thomas Jefferson

I have spent my whole life looking for the perfect woman, and now I’ve found her. Too bad she’s looking for the perfect man.

It’s not that I’m afraid to die; I just don’t want to be there when it happens.

If ever I get married again it would have to be under an anaesthetic.

What do you call a dinosaur with an extensive vocabulary? A thesaurus.

Work expands to fill the time available. — PARKINSON’S LAW

Plan to be spontaneous tomorrow.

I took a speed reading course and read ‘War and Peace’ in twenty minutes. It involves Russia. Enough women for four.

I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.

I can resist everything except temptation.

When all other means of communication fail, try words.

If it’s true that we are here to help others, then what exactly are the others here for?

Climbers aim for the summit because it is there. Bungi jumpers dive off the top because they aren’t all there.

I get enough exercise just pushing my luck.

Outside a Hong Kong tailor shop: Ladies may have a fit upstairs.

Help Wanted: Telepath. You know where to apply.

“There is no reason anyone would want a computer in their home.” — Ken Olson, founder of Digital Equipment Corp., 1977.

Acupuncture is a jab well done.

On the plus side, death is one of the few things that can be done just as easily as lying down.

Restarting System - Mouse Moved

If you want your spouse to listen and pay strict attention to every word you say, talk in your sleep.

Friends may come and go, but enemies accumulate

Remember the teakettle; though up to its neck in hot water, it continues to sing.

Raising teenagers is like trying to nail Jell-O to a tree.

On the keyboard of life, always keep one finger on the escape key.

Democracy is a process by which people are free to choose the man who will get the blame.

Smoking cures weight problems...eventually...

I’ve been trying for some time to develop a life style that doesn’t require my presence.

I’d explain it to you, but your brain would explode.

Everyone needs belief in something. I believe I’ll have another beer.

I think that’s how Chicago got started. A bunch of people in New York said, “Gee, I’m enjoying the crime and the poverty, but it just isn’t cold enough. Let’s go west.”—Richard Jeni

Pick your friends but not to pieces.

Life is far too important to be taken seriously.

The short fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.

My life has a superb cast but I can’t figure out the plot.

Everybody is ignorant, only on different subjects.

Bachelors know more about women than married men; if they didn’t they’d be married too.

There are only three kinds of people; people who can count and people who can’t.

How did Moses make his tea? Hebrews it.

The sooner you fall behind the more time you’ll have to catch up.

I’d give my right arm to be ambidextrous.

For people who like peace and quiet – a phoneless cord.

Eagles may soar, but weasels don’t get sucked into jet engines.

“When you starve with a tiger, the tiger starves last”. — Griffin’s Thought

If a man opens a car door for a woman, either the car is new or the woman.

Some people say that I must be a horrible person, but that’s not true. I have the heart of a young boy – in a jar on my desk.

People don’t grow up; they just learn how to act in public.

Oh, don’t fuss. I just cut myself. It’s no big deal,” REALLY MEANS, “I have actually severed a limb, but will bleed to death before I admit I’m hurt.”

England has no kidney bank, but it does have a Liverpool.

There are two kinds of people, those who finish what they start, and so on.

Macho Law prohibits me from admitting I’m wrong.

“This ‘telephone’ has too many shortcomings to be seriously considered as a means of communication.” — Western Union internal memo, 1876.

I’m reading a book about anti-gravity. I can’t put it down.

The fellow who thinks he knows it all is especially annoying to those of us who do.

Some pain is physical, and some is mental, but one that’s both is dental.

You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say will be misquoted then used against you.

I couldn’t repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.

Age is a question of mind over matter. If you don’t mind, it don’t matter.

My schoolmates would make love to anything that moved, but I never saw any reason to limit myself.

Age is an issue of mind over matter. If you don’t mind, it doesn’t matter.

If you can stay calm, while all around you is chaos... then you probably haven’t completely understood the situation.

How can you come out of a closet if you never went in there in the first place?

Birthdays are good for you. Statistics show that the people who have the most live the longest.

It’s important to be open-minded, but not SO open-minded that your brains fall out.

Man who drive like hell bound to get there.

Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy.

Always try to be modest and be proud of it!

Time’s fun when you’re having flies... Kermit the Frog

Alcohol: the cause of, and solution to, all of life’s problems.

Cole’s Law: Thinly sliced cabbage.

Military intelligence is a contradiction in terms.

Quantum: Noun, word used to sound like I know what I’m talking about while discussing physics I’ve never actually studied.

You can always spot a well-informed man – his views are the same as yours.

Anything’s possible... apart from skiing through a revolving door.

Succeed in spite of management. Aim Low; Reach Your Goals, Avoid Disappointment.

In a Norwegian cocktail lounge: Ladies are requested not to have children in the bar.

Love is like an hourglass, with the heart filling up as the brain empties.

You have the right to your opinions. I just don’t want to hear them.

Cleverly Disguised As A Responsible Adult.

He often broke into song because he couldn’t find the key.

Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don’t.

A synonym is a word you use when you can’t spell the word you first thought of.

I work hard because millions on welfare depend on me.

A study in the Washington Post says that women have better verbal skills than men. I just want to say to the authors of that study: “Duh.”— Conan O’Brien

“C++ : Where friends have access to your private members.” — Gavin Russell Baker.

“I’ve been on a calendar but I have never been on time” – Marilyn Monroe

One good turn gets most of the blankets.

A bird does not sing because it has an answer—it sings because it has a song.

Some people are going to leave a mark on this world, while others will leave a stain.

Hypochondria is the only disease I haven’t got.

Politicians are people who, when they see the light at the end of the tunnel, go out and buy more tunnel.

The shortest distance between two points is under construction.

Humour. It is a difficult concept. It is not logical.

Youth is a wonderful thing. What a crime to waste it on children.

People who think they know everything are annoying to those of us who do.

I was at a bar nursing a beer. My nipple was getting quite soggy.

If trees could scream, would we be so cavalier about cutting them down? We might, if they screamed all the time, for no good reason.

The best computer is a man, and it’s the only one that can be mass-produced by unskilled labour.

I married Miss Right. I just didn’t know her first name was Always.

Is there life before death?

A great many people think they are thinking when they are merely rearranging their prejudices.

The amount of work to be done increases in proportion to the amount of work already completed. — VAIL’S SECOND AXIOM

If vegetable oil comes from vegetables, where does baby oil come from?

Instead of getting married again, I’m going to find a woman I don’t like and just give her a house.—Rod Stewart

Most vegetarians look so much like the food they eat that they can be classified as cannibals.

It is said that if you line up all the cars in the world end to end, someone would be stupid enough to try and pass them.

“If carrots are so good for the eyes, how come I see so many dead rabbits on the highway?”

They say if you play a Microsoft CD backwards you hear satanic messages. That’s nothing, if you play it forwards it installs Windows.

I’m out of my mind, but feel free to leave a message.

I can please only one person per day. Today is not your day. Tomorrow isn’t looking good either.

Democracy is a government where you can say what you think even if you don’t think.

Pardon my driving, I am reloading.

Lead us not into temptation. Just tell us where it is; we’ll find it.

If it’s 0 degrees today and it’s going to be twice as cold tomorrow... how cold will it be?

Why is it called tourist season if we can’t shoot at them?

My husband and I divorced over religious differences... He thought he was God and I didn’t.

It is not what a teenager knows that bothers his parents. It is how he found out.

Wine divulges truth.

At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be “What is hell?” Come early and listen to our choir practice.

In democracy it’s your vote that counts. In feudalism it’s your count that votes.

Of course, we are all worms—but I like to think, at least, that I am a glow-worm. – Winston Churchill

Someone sent me a postcard picture of the earth. On the back it said, “Wish you were here.”

If all you have is a hammer, everything looks like a nail.

This girl said she recognized me from the vegetarian club, but I’d never met herbivore

The dumber people think you are, the more surprised they’re going to be when you kill them—Rodney Dangerfield

I don’t have a solution but I admire the problem.

Man who run behind car get exhausted.

The truth is a precious commodity. That’s why I use it so sparingly.

He’s so lazy. I’ve seen him step into a revolving door and wait.

Be kind to your dentist. He has fillings, too.

To define recursion, we must first define recursion.

Caution – Driver Legally Blonde!

Being single is like a vacuum. It sucks when you are turned on.

Work: It isn’t just for sleeping anymore.

A printer consists of three main parts: the case, the jammed paper tray and the blinking red light

One should forgive one’s enemies, but not before they are hanged.

Killed - Personality Incompatibility

Without question, the greatest invention in the history of mankind is beer. Oh, I grant you that the wheel was also a fine invention, but the wheel does not go nearly as well with pizza.

Whenever I feel like exercise, I lie down until the feeling passes.

Vote for the man who promises least; he’ll be the least disappointing.

Confidence is the feeling you have before you understand the situation.

What’s the definition of a will? (It’s a dead giveaway).

“Oh dear,” said God, “I hadn’t thought of that,” and promptly vanished in a puff of logic.

I hope that after I die, people will say of me: “That guy sure owed me a lot of money.”

Streakers beware: Your end is in sight.

I generally avoid temptation unless I can’t resist it.

I don’t want to achieve immortality through my work. I want to achieve immortality through not dying.

Make three correct guesses consecutively and you will establish yourself as an expert.

Englishmen never will be slaves: they are free to do whatever the Government and public opinion allow them to do.

I was the next door kid’s imaginary friend.

Mines are equal opportunity weapons.

Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

Foolproof systems don’t take into account the ingenuity of fools.

Comedy is tragedy plus time.

I’m in no shape to exercise.

If at first you don’t succeed, try management.

Marriage is not a word; it is a sentence.

I’ve always wanted to be normal, but lately I’ve come to suspect that this is it.

The doctor can bury his mistakes but an architect can only advise his client to plant vines.

If you’re not wasted, the day is.

Everybody is ignorant, only on different subjects.

Perhaps you’re diagonally parked in a parallel universe?

What sane person could live in this world and not be crazy?

“Things are more like they are now than they ever were before.” – Former U.S. President Dwight D. Eisenhower

If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?

If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?

They say you only use ten percent of your brain. What about the other ten?

If automobiles had followed the same development cycle as the computer, a Rolls Royce would today cost $100, get a million miles per gallon, and explode once a year, killing everyone inside.

If you don’t know where you are going, you will wind up somewhere else.

I’m not dumb; I just have a command of thoroughly useless information.

Man who eat many prunes get good run for money.

All men are equal. Some are just more equal than others.

If someone with multiple personalities threatens suicide... is it considered a hostage situation?

I don’t have an attitude problem. You have a perception problem.

I used to be apathetic, but now I don’t give a damn.

“I have never let my schooling interfere with my education.”—Mark Twain

Two signs from a Majorcan shop entrance: English well speaking / Here speeching American.

We Quit Voting Will They All Go Away?

The trouble with our times is that the future is not what it used to be.

He who trains his tongue to quote the learned sages, will be known far and wide as a smart ass.

In the office of a Roman doctor: Specialist in women and other diseases.

The things that come to those that wait may be the things left by those who got there first.

If at first you do succeed, try to hide your astonishment.

Roses are red, Violets are blue. In Soviet Russia, Poems write you.

Broken pencils are pointless.

I often quote myself; it adds spice to my conversation.

Venison for dinner again? Oh deer!

The early bird gets the worm, but the early worm gets eaten.

Lord, if you won’t make me skinny, please make all my friends fat.

A person who smiles in the face of adversity... probably has a scapegoat.

Remember... Marriage is the number one cause of divorce. Statistically, 100% of all divorces started with marriage.

Well if this is the wrong number, why did you answer it?

Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?

If con is the opposite of pro, congress is the opposite of progress.

To err is human – and to blame it on a computer is even more so.

I don’t believe in astrology. I am a Sagittarius and we’re very skeptical. ~ Arthur C. Clarke

Youth would be an ideal state if it came a little later in life.

Sheep don’t fly so much as plummet.

My reality check just bounced.

It’s strange, isn’t it. You stand in the middle of a library and go aaaaagghhhh’ and everyone just stares at you. But you do the same thing on an aeroplane, and everyone joins in.

Madness takes its toll. Please have exact change.

Anything not nailed down is a cat toy.

I have kleptomania, but when it gets bad, I take something for it. ~ Robert Benchle

“I believe in equality for everyone, except reporters and photographers”. — Gandhi

Statistics are like bikinis – What they reveal is suggestive, but what they conceal is vital.

INDECISION is the key to FLEXIBILITY.

Modesty is a virtue of fools.

Save the whales. Collect the whole set.

Proofread carefully to see if you any words out.

Sheep don’t fly so much as plummet.

A dog that attends a flea circus most likely will steal the whole show.

Nobody can be exactly like me. Even I have trouble doing it.

Love is blind, but marriage is a real eye-opener.

When in doubt, mumble.

Don’t use a big word where a diminutive one will suffice.

Man who run in front of car get tired.

I used up all my sick days, so I’m calling in dead.

There is no such thing as an underestimate of average intelligence

Illiterate? Write For Help.

In elementary school, in case of fire, you have to line up quietly in a single file line from smallest to tallest. What is the logic? Do tall people burn slower?

All those who believe in psycho kinesis raise my hand.

Be careful when reading health books; you may die of a misprint.

The human brain is a wonderful thing. It starts working the moment you are born, and never stops until you stand up to speak in public.

You’re such an inspiration for the way I’ll never choose to be.

In the beginning, God created earth and rested. Then God created man and rested. Then God created woman. Since then, neither God nor man has rested.

The trouble with life is there’s no background music.

Eat a live toad first thing in the morning, and nothing worse can happen to you the rest of the day.

IRS: We’ve got what it takes to take what you’ve got.

Everybody is somebody else’s weirdo.

There are 10 types of people in the world: Those who understand binary, and those who don’t.

111,111,111 x 111,111,111 = 12,345,678,987,654,321

Warning: Dates in Calendar are closer than they appear.

An Irish man was driving to the airport when he saw a sign saying ‘Airport – Left’... So he went home.

Cheer up, the worst is yet to come.

Well, if I called the wrong number, why did you answer the phone?

If we learn by our mistakes, some of us are getting one hell of an education!

Anywhere is walking distance, if you’ve got the time.

Knowledge is the key, but where is the damn lock?

I like children. Properly cooked.

Get even – live long enough to be a problem to your kids.

You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.

The beatings will continue until morale improves.

I love being married. It’s so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.

“I would like to live in Manchester, England. The transition between Manchester and death would be unnoticeable”. — Mark Twain

Life is complex: it has real and imaginary parts.

Women like silent men. They think they’re listening.

I think, therefore I am single.

If At First You Don’t Succeed... Blame Someone Else And Seek Counseling.

I have had more trouble with myself than with any other man I’ve met.

Insanity is hereditary; you can get it from your children.

If quizzes are quizzical, what are tests?

Ever stop to think and forget to start again?

Having more money doesn’t make you happier. I have 50 million dollars but I’m just as happy as when I had 48 million. ~ Arnold Schwarzenegger.

Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian any more than going to the garage makes you a car.

For Sale: Parachute. Only used once, never opened, small stain.

Remember half the people you know are below average.

I’m sorry; you cannot have an outlook on life because it isn’t responding. Microsoft apologises for any inconvenience.

This Would Be Really Funny If It Weren’t Happening To Me.

A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a train stops. On my desk I have a workstation...

How do you sink an Irish Submarine? Knock on the hatch.

They told me I had type A blood, but it was a Type O

If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?

Maybe I’m lucky to be going so slowly, because I may be going in the wrong direction.

Borrow money from pessimists- they don’t expect to get it back.

Impotence: Nature’s Way Of Saying “No Hard Feelings”.

Laugh and the world laughs with you; snore and you sleep alone.

Why is the third hand on the watch called a second hand?

What happens if you get scared half to death twice?

Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

It’s bad luck to be superstitious.

“I think there is a world market for maybe five computers.” — Thomas Watson, chairman of IBM, 1943.

When you come to a fork in the road, take it.

I used to think I was indecisive, but now I’m not sure.

Shin: a device for finding furniture in the dark.

Why is it that to stop Windows, you have to click on “Start”?

The most powerful force in the universe is gossip.

If the world should blow itself up, the last audible voice would be that of an expert saying it can’t be done.

The most precious thing we have is life. Yet it has absolutely no trade-in value.

Two strings walk into a bar. The first string says to the bartender, “Bartender, I’ll have a beer. u.5n$x5t?*&4ru!2[sACCErJ”. The second string says, “Pardon my friend, he isn’t NULL terminated”.

Eagles may soar, but weasels don’t get sucked into jet engines.

Anger is only one letter away from danger.

Nothing means nothing, but it isn’t really nothing because nothing is something that isn’t.

This comment is printed on 100% recycled electrons.

Success always occurs in private, and failure in full public view.

What Has Four Legs And An Arm? A Happy Pit Bull.

It is a fitting irony that under Richard Nixon, ‘launder’ became a dirty word.

The more time you spend in reporting on what you are doing, the less time you have to do it in. Stability is achieved when you spend all your time doing nothing but reporting on the nothing you are doing.

Age is a very high price to pay for maturity.

Experience is simply the name we give our mistakes.

What do you call a dinosaur with an extensive vocabulary? A thesaurus.

Being in the army is like being in the Boy Scouts, except that the Boy Scouts have adult supervision.

Seen it all, done it all, can’t remember most of it.

Time sneaks up on you like a windshield on a bug.

Why were the Indians here first? They had reservations.

How do you know if a fish is Irish? It has drowned.

“Heavier-than-air flying machines are impossible.” — Lord Kelvin, president, Royal Society, 1895.

A bird in the hand is safer than one overhead.

The only reason some people get lost in thought is because it’s unfamiliar territory.

Why is the man that invests your money called a broker?

When he first ran for office, he appealed to the voters: “I never stole anything in my life. All I ask is a chance.”

If you can’t convince them, confuse them.

e=mc^2 where m = the number of cooks required to spoil the broth

I haven’t spoken to my wife for 18 months: I don’t like to interrupt her.

Does this smell like chloroform to you?

I like to start my periods with sentences.

We’ve made great medical progress in the last generation. What used to be merely an itch is now an allergy.

If olive oil comes from olives, where does baby oil come from?

I love work; it fascinates me; I can sit and watch it for hours.

You look like a million dollars. All green and wrinkled.

Only a fool is astonished by the foolishness of humankind.

My parents stayed together for forty years, but that was out of spite.

“People who drink light beer don’t like the taste of beer; they just like to pee a lot” — Rodney Dangerfield

“As a matter of fact” is an expression that precedes many an expression that isn’t.

I guess traffic in the city is improving a little. Yesterday, I drove clear across town and only had to shave twice.

Does your train of thought have a caboose?

Optimists believe we live on the greatest world. Pessimists believe this is true.

The only perfect science is hindsight.

A clean tie attracts the soup of the day.

System Error - Windows Loaded

If you don’t pay your exorcist you get repossessed.

Jokes about German sausage are the wurst.

I am free of all prejudices. I hate everyone equally.

Tell me what you need, and I’ll tell you how to get along without it.

Whenever people agree with me, I always feel I must be wrong.

I live in my own little world, but it’s ok they know me here.

No problem is so big and complicated that it can’t be ran away from.

Jokes about German sausage are the wurst.

“You, you and you: panic. The rest of you, come with me.”

Slow is when someone laps you in the hundred-yard dash

To find out a girl’s faults, praise her to her girl friends.

Horn broken. Watch for finger. (on bumper sticker)

How do you spot an Irishman at a carwash? He’s the one on the bike.

Originality is the fine art of remembering what you hear, but forgetting where you heard it.

“On two occasions I have been asked [by members of Parliament!]: ‘Pray, Mr. Babbage, if you put into the machine wrong figures, will the right answers come out ?’ I am not able rightly to apprehend the kind of confusion of ideas that could provoke such a question.” — Charles Babbage.

I am amazed at radio DJ’s today. I am firmly convinced that AM on my radio stands for Absolute Moron. I will not begin to tell you what FM stands for.

If you choke a smurf, what colour does it turn?

Somewhere on this globe, every ten seconds, is a woman giving birth to a child. She must be found and stopped.

“Inconceivable!” “I do not think that word means what you think it means.”

A committee is a body that keeps minutes and wastes hours.

Marriage changes passion... suddenly you’re in bed with a relative.

TEAMWORK... means never having to take all the blame yourself.

“My computer NEVER loc

There are very few personal problems that cannot be solved through a suitable application of high explosives.

According to recent study someone is run over by a car every 5 minutes in the city. You’d think the guy would have enough sense to get out of the street.

“Thinking is the hardest work there is, which is probably why so few engage in it”. — Henry Ford

A conclusion is simply the place where you got tired of thinking.

In the beginning, there was nothing. Then God said, “Let there be light,” and there was still nothing, but you could see it.

There’s a fine line between genius and insanity. I have erased this line.

Brain: an apparatus with which we think we think.

Legend: a lie that has attained the dignity of age.

Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.

My one regret in life is that I am not someone else.

It is wiser to find out than to suppose.—Mark Twain

I like kids, but I don’t think I could eat a whole one.

When you are arguing with an idiot, make sure the other person isn’t doing the same thing.

There is nothing so annoying as to have two people go right on talking when you’re interrupting.

Sometimes I think the surest sign that intelligent life exists elsewhere in the universe is that none of it has tried to contact us.

I think animal testing is a terrible idea; they get all nervous and give the wrong answers.

I wondered why the baseball was getting bigger. Then it hit me.

“He has been given a large brain by mistake, since for him the spinal cord would fully suffice.” — Albert Einstein

Errors have been made. Others will be blamed.

Prediction is extremely difficult. Especially about the future.

Half of being smart is knowing what you are dumb at.

Am I getting smart with you? How would you know?

If you do not make dust, you eat dust.

Someday we’ll look back on all this and plow into the back of a parked car.

Being a philosopher, I have a problem for every solution.

Quantum mechanics: The dreams stuff is made of.

If people concentrated on the really important things in life, there’d be a shortage of fishing poles.

We must believe in free will, we have no choice.

Life... I don’t get it...

Last night I lay in bed looking up at the stars in the sky and I thought to myself, “Where the heck is the ceiling?”

Procrastinate Now!

Well, this day was a total waste of makeup.

You can’t have everything. Where would you put it?

A bachelor is a man who comes to work from a different direction each morning.

Honk if you love peace and quiet.

Fundamentalism: Believe in a kind, loving God or we’ll kill you!

Arguing on the Internet is like competing in the Special Olympics – even if you win, you are still retarded.

Get a new car for your spouse – it’ll be a great trade!

Once, during prohibition, I was forced to live for days on nothing but food and water.

Needing someone is like needing a parachute. If he isn’t there the first time you need him, chances are you won’t be needing him again.

If a woman has to choose between catching a fly ball and saving an infant’s life, she will choose to save the infant’s life without even considering if there is a man on base.—Dave Barry

“Einstein argued that there must be simplified explanations of nature, because God is not capricious or arbitrary. No such faith comforts the software engineer.” — Fred Brooks.

The day I can’t do my job drunk is the day I turn in my badge and gun.

Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.

I majored in liberal arts. Will that be for here or to go?

Don’t talk unless you can improve the silence.

Don’t Be Sexist – Broads Hate That.

Make sure your mind isn’t so open that your brains fall out.

Bachelors have consciences, married men have wives.

99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.

It’s easy to quit smoking... I’ve done it over 10,000 times.

I Haven’t Lost My Mind, It’s Backed Up On Disk Somewhere.

If you don’t learn to laugh at troubles, you won’t have anything to laugh at when you grow old.

I intend to live forever – so far, so good.

Just remember... if the world didn’t suck, we’d all fall off.

Blessed are those who can laugh at themselves, they will never cease to be amused.

Shin: a device for finding furniture in the dark.

The difference between a stepping-stone and a stumbling block can be when you see it.

I used to find him boring until I stopped listening.

Man does not live by words alone, despite the fact that sometimes he has to eat them.

If you don’t know where you are going, you might wind up someplace else.

Time flies like an arrow – fruit flies like a banana.

AIBOHPHOBIA – the fear of palindromes.

I heard a man say that brigands demand your money or your life, whereas women require both.

Santa’s helpers are subordinate clauses.

Mental Floss prevents Moral Decay.

Where there’s a will, I want to be in it.

Hang in there; retirement is only thirty years away.

Consciousness: that annoying time between naps.

Stupidity is not a handicap. Park elsewhere!

“I am not worried about the deficit. It is big enough to take care of itself.” – Ronald Reagan

I don’t suffer from stress. I’m a carrier.

Laugh at your problems; everybody else does.

My husband says I never listen to him (at least I think that’s what he said)

If you try and don’t succeed, cheat. Repeat until caught. Then lie.

Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way when you criticize them, you are a mile away from them and you have their shoes.

Partying... oops No Only Parting... sorry

We have two ends. One for sitting and one for thinking. Our success depends on which one we use most.

I don’t approve of political jokes... I’ve seen too many of them get elected.

Constipated People Don’t Give A Crap.

Just because you’re not paranoid doesn’t mean they’re not out to get you.

Hope sees the invisible, feels the intangible and achieves the impossible.

Conscience is the inner voice warning us that someone may be looking.

Brilliant, but with the social skills of a thermonuclear device.

My mind works like lightning. One brilliant flash and it is gone.

Everything is possible; just not too probable.

Half of the people in the world are below average.

On the other hand you have different fingers.

Half our life is spent trying to find something to do with the time we have rushed through life trying to save.

“How come we choose from just two people to run for president and 50 for Miss America?”

Everybody has a photographic memory. Some don’t have film.

Cluster bombing from B-52s is very, very accurate – the bombs always hit the ground.

“Reader, suppose you were an idiot. And suppose you were a member of Congress. But I repeat myself”. — Mark Twain

Men have a much better time of it than women; for one thing, they marry later; for another thing they die earlier.

I know a guy who is addicted to brake fluid. He says he can stop anytime.

He who laughs last thinks slowest.

I love cats – they taste just like chicken.

Time is a great teacher, but unfortunately it kills all its pupils.

Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.

The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.

Promises are like babies: fun to make, but hell to deliver.

Good judgement comes from experience. Experience comes from bad judgement.

“Your mouse has moved. Windows must be restarted for the change to take effect. Reboot now ? [OK]”

Money is better than poverty, if only for financial reasons.

Lots of people know a good thing the minute the other fellow sees it first.

Character is what you are in the dark.

I fear my inferiority complex is not as good as yours.

Mind like a steel trap – rusty and illegal in most states.

“I’d rather have a bottle in front of me, than a frontal lobotomy”. — Tom Waits

All the toilets in New York’s police stations have been stolen. The police have nothing to go on.

A day without sun shine is like, you know, night.

Every morning is the dawn of a new error.

Compromise: the art of dividing a cake so that everybody believes he or she got the biggest piece.

Living is not worth dying for.

Laughing stock: cattle with a sense of humour.

“I have left orders to be awakened at any time in case of national emergency – even if I’m in a Cabinet meeting.” – Ronald Reagan

When you do not know what you are doing, do it neatly.

Advertisement for donkey rides in Thailand: Would you like to ride on your own ass?

How do you keep an Irishman busy? Write P.T.O on both sides of a piece of paper.

“Auntie Em: hate you, hate Kansas, taking the dog.” – Dorothy

A team effort is a lot of people doing what I say

Bacteria: the only culture some people have.

We are going on a field trip to the Coca-Cola factory. I hope there are no pop quizzes.

It is hard to understand how a cemetery raised its burial charges and blamed it on the cost of living.

“The web is a dominatrix. Every where I turn, I see little buttons ordering me to Submit.” — Nytwind.

Never buy a car you can’t push.

There’s a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot.

If it weren’t for electricity we’d all be watching television by candlelight?

Honesty is the best policy, but insanity is a better defence.

A baby sitter is a teenager acting like an adult while the adults are out acting like teenagers.

I don’t suffer from stress. I’m a carrier.

I either want less corruption, or more chance to participate in it.

Be nice to your kids. They’ll choose your nursing home.

There are three ways to get something done: do it yourself, hire someone, or forbid your kids to do it.

Gossip: The art of saying nothing while leaving nothing unsaid.

Confidence is the feeling you have before you understand the situation

Accept that some days you’re the pigeon, and some days you’re the statue.

My girlfriend told me I should be more affectionate. So I got two more girlfriends.

Blessed are the young, for they shall inherit the national debt.

Despite the cost of living it’s still very popular.

I am not a vegetarian because I love animals; I am a vegetarian because I hate plants.

I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.

I majored in liberal arts. Will that be for here or to go?

I’m desperately trying to figure out why kamikaze pilots wore helmets.

Technology is a way of organizing the universe so that man doesn’t have to experience it.

I take everything I can for my kleptomania.

“My wife made me join a bridge club. I jump off next Tuesday” — Rodney Dangerfield

I plead contemporary insanity.

If we don’t succeed, we run the risk of failure.

Don’t marry for money. You can borrow it cheaper.

If the French were really intelligent, they’d speak English.

“You have to be careful about being too careful” – Beryl Pfizer

I had amnesia once or twice.

It’s hard to face the problem, when the problem is your face.

I dropped out of communism class because of lousy Marx.

If at first you don’t succeed, try, try again. Then quit. There’s no use being a damned fool about it.

Marathon runners with bad footwear suffer the agony of defeat.

I tried to photograph the fog, but I mist.

I installed a skylight in my apartment. The people who live above me are furious.

Tip the world over on its side and everything loose will land in Los Angeles.

Heck is where people go who don’t believe in gosh.

How do you get an Irishman to burn his ear? Ring him up while he is ironing.

When angry count four, when very angry, swear.

I wished the buck stopped here, as I could use a few.

I don’t necessarily agree with everything I say.

I wonder how much deeper would the ocean be without sponges.

Always do sober what you said you’d do drunk. That will teach you to keep your mouth shut.

I arise in the morning torn between a desire to improve the world and a desire to enjoy the world. This makes it hard to plan the day.

Don’t be irreplaceable; if you cannot be replaced, you cannot be promoted.

Solitude is fine, but you need someone to tell you that solitude is fine.

There are two kinds of people, those who finish what they start, and so on.

It has recently been discovered that research causes cancer in rats.

“There are two major products that come out of Berkeley: LSD and UNIX. We don’t believe this to be a coincidence.” — Jeremy S. Anderson

God must love stupid people, he made so many.

My favorite mythical creature? The honest politician.

After all is said and done, more is said than done.

One day I will get this peer guy and reset his connection.

Computers make it easy to do a lot of things, but most of the things that make it easier to do don’t need to be done.

It is well to remember the entire population of the universe, with one trifling exception, is composed of others.

Never argue with an idiot. They drag you down to their level then beat you with experience.

Who is General Failure and why is he reading my hard disk?

When a clock is hungry, it goes back four seconds.

Early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.

I didn’t like my beard at first. Then it grew on me.

The secret of success is sincerity. Once you can fake that you’ve got it made.

When your IQ reaches 80 –– sell.

I don’t meet competition. I crush it

I started out with nothing, and I still have most of it.

He does the work of three men: Larry, Moe and Curly.

Keyboard not detected. Press F1 to continue

You have to stay in shape. My grandmother, she started walking five miles a day when she was 60. She’s 97 today and we don’t know where the hell she is.

“Are you going to come quietly, or do I have to use earplugs?”—Vale Spike Milligan

The chance of a piece of bread falling with the buttered side down is directly proportional to the cost of the carpet.

Sex on television can’t hurt you unless you fall off.

The trouble with jogging is that, by the time you realise you’re not in shape for it, it’s far too far to walk back.

I’m quite easy to get along with, once you learn to beckon at my every call and yield to all my desires.

A hangover is the wrath of grapes.

Seeing a murder on television...will help work off one’s antagonisms. And if you haven’t any antagonisms, the commercials will give you some.

As the light changed from red to green to yellow and back to red again, I sat there thinking about life. Was it nothing more than a bunch of honking and yelling? Sometimes it seemed that way.

Never put both feet in your mouth at the same time, because then you don’t have a leg to stand on.

“I worked in a pet shop and people kept asking how big I’d get” — Rodney Dangerfield

If you’re not confused, you’re not paying attention.

If at first you don’t succeed, skydiving is not your sport.

I used to think I was indecisive, but now I’m not sure.

There’s a difference between being open-minded and having a hole in your head

Under capitalism, man exploits man. Under Communism, it’s just the opposite.

I tried sniffing Coke once, but the ice cubes got stuck in my nose.

I am obviously right, and as you disagree with me, then logically you must be wrong.

Men’s faults are many, women have only two. Everything they say, and everything they do.

“Life is a waste of time, time is a waste of life, so get wasted all of the time and have the time of your life”. — Tom Waits

To succeed in politics, it is often necessary to rise above your principles.

Anyone who told you to be yourself couldn’t have given you worse advice.

What if there were no hypothetical questions?

If life was fair, Elvis would be alive and all the impersonators would be dead.

“A girl phoned me the other day and said... Come on over, there’s nobody home. I went over. Nobody was home” — Rodney Dangerfield

It is not my interest to pay the principal, nor my principal to pay the interest.

The earthquake in Washington obviously was the government’s fault.

Take my advice, I don’t use it anyway.

I always wanted to be a procrastinator, never got around to it though.

Progress was all right. Only it went on too long.

Everything you like is bad for you in some way.

The man who fell into an upholstery machine is fully recovered.

People can be divided into three groups: Those who make things happen, those who watch things happen, and those who wonder what happened.

Hemp is a herb. Bush is a dope.

If you’re born again, do you have two bellybuttons?

Men don’t care what’s on TV. They only care what else is on TV.

Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?

Doctor, Doctor I keep getting pains in the eye when I drink coffee. Have you tried taking the spoon out?

You can say any foolish thing to a dog, and the dog will give you a look that says, “My God, you’re right! I never would’ve thought of that!”

“Always in motion the future is. Seasick it makes me. That’s why so green I am”. – Yoda

“#define QUESTION ((bb) || !(bb))” — Shakespeare

I’d like to see things your way, but I’m looking in another direction.

Chipped dishes never break.

Years ago fairy tales began with “Once upon a time...” Now it’s “If I am elected...”

You’re not drunk if you can lie on the floor without holding on.

Snowmen fall from Heaven unassembled.

The only difference between Genius and Insanity... is success.

If you can’t be kind, at least have the decency to be vague.

“Every mighty oak was once just a nut who stood his ground.”

Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7th of your life.

Democracy is the recurrent suspicion that more than half of the people are right more than half of the time.

Before you give a colleague a piece of your mind, be sure you can spare it.

On a tombstone: I TOLD YOU I WAS SICK

“Everyday I beat my own previous record for number of consecutive days I’ve stayed alive.”

Some people are alive only because it’s illegal to kill them.

Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.

Bacteria: the only culture some people have.

“The object of war is not to die for your country but to make the other bastard die for his.” – General George Patton

Be thankful for problems. If they were less difficult, someone with less ability might have your job.

Even paranoids have real enemies.

One of the greatest labour-saving inventions today is tomorrow.

“If women didn’t exist, all the money in the world would have no meaning.” – Aristotle Onassis

I thought I wanted a career, turns out I just wanted paychecks.

This guy walks into a bar and the barman says “Ouch, that must have hurt”

The trouble with the rat race is that even if you win, you’re still a rat.

If at first you don’t succeed, destroy all the evidence that you tried.

Programmer – A red-eyed, mumbling mammal capable of conversing with inanimate objects.

Ours is a world where people don’t know what they want and are willing to go through hell to get it.

It used to be only death and taxes were inevitable. Now, of course, there’s shipping and handling, too.

In a Budapest zoo: Please do not feed the animals. If you have any suitable food, give it to the guard on duty.

Why is it that doctors call what they do “practice”?

At the age of six I wanted to be a cook. At seven I wanted to be Napoleon. And my ambition has been growing steadily ever since.

“How can a president not be an actor?” – when asked “How could an actor become president?” – Ronald Reagan

One good thing about repeating your mistakes is that you know when to cringe.

A pessimist is a man who has been compelled to live with an optimist

The second day of a diet is alway easier than the first. By the second day, you’re off it.

When Chemists die, they barium.

It’s not true that married men live longer than single men. It only seems longer.

“The best thing about the future is that it comes only one day at a time.” – Abraham Lincoln

How Many Roads Must A Man Travel Down Before He Admits He Is Lost?

A soldier who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran.

If everything is coming your way, you are probably in the wrong lane.

Whenever there is any doubt, there is no doubt.

I’m an idealist: I don’t know where I’m going, but I’m on my way.

Why does Sea World have a seafood restaurant? I’m halfway through my fish burger and I realize, Oh my gosh... I could be eating a slow learner.

If I’d known I was going to live this long, I’d have taken better care of myself.

“Blink your eyelids periodically to lubricate your eyes.” — Page 16 of the HP “Environmental, Health Safety Handbook for Employees”.

Age always corresponds inversely to the size of your multivitamin.

Five out of four people have trouble with fractions.

If I have to work for an idiot, I might as well work for myself.

Anything that can become tangled around something else, will.

A poor excuse is like an old bucket; doesn’t matter what shape it is in, as long as it holds water.

What hair color do they put on the driver’s licenses of bald men?

Don’t take life too seriously—you’ll never get out of it alive.

An egotist has one point in his favour – he doesn’t go round talking about other people.

Man shoots neighbour with machete [The Miami Herald, July 3]

A drop of ink may make a million think.

My mind not only wanders, sometimes it leaves completely.

Show me a piano falling down a mineshaft and I’ll show you A-flat minor.

“Then he ran into my knife. He ran into my knife ten times.” – Chicago

It doesn’t matter what temperature the room is; it’s always room temperature.

“When in doubt tell the truth.”—Mark Twain

Marriage is a three-ring circus: engagement ring, wedding ring, and suffering.

Latest survey shows that 3 out of 4 people make up 75% of the world’s population.

If the human brain were so simple that we could understand it, we would be so simple we couldn’t.

Next time you wave, use all your fingers.

I have the body of a GOD – Buddha.

Ninety-nine per cent of the people in the world are fools and the rest of us are in great danger of contagion.

I envy people who drink – at least they know what to blame everything on.

Money can’t buy happiness, but it sure makes misery easier to live with.

If money talks, it ain’t on speakin’ terms with me.

People with narrow minds usually have broad tongues.

I married my wife for her looks... but not the ones she’s been giving me lately!

“I wish everyone was peaceful. Then I could take over the planet with a butter knife”—Dogbert

Connection Reset - Insufficient Electrons

When you get a bladder infection, urine trouble.

All my life, I always wanted to be somebody. Now I see that I should have been more specific.

A procrastinator’s work is never done.

To B or not to B? *kills the B* I HATE BEES!!!! – LynxofCP

Velcro — what a rip off!

Anything not nailed down is mine. Anything I can pry loose is not nailed down.

I used to be a banker, but then I lost interest.

The number of people watching you is directly proportional to the stupidity of your action.

When life hands you a lemon, make lemonade.

“You can always count on Americans to do the right thing—after they’ve tried everything else” – Winston Churchill

I changed my iPod’s name to Titanic. It’s syncing now.

As a final incentive before giving up a difficult task, try to imagine it successfully accomplished by someone you violently dislike.

That which cannot be taken apart will fall apart.

If puns were outlawed, only outlaws would have puns.

Why don’t you ever see the headline “Psychic Wins Lottery”?

A conscience does not prevent sin. It only prevents you from enjoying it.

He’s not dead, he’s electroencephalographically challenged.

“A patriot must always be ready to defend his country against his government”. — Edward Abbey

It is hard enough to remember my opinions, without also remembering my reasons for them!

I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol.

In a Tokyo shop: Our nylons cost more than common, but you’ll find they are best in the long run.

Genius is 1% inspiration, and 99% perspiration.

If you can’t dazzle them with brilliance... just baffle them with bullsh*t.

It’s just a job. Grass grows, birds fly, waves pound the sand. I just beat people up. – Muhammad Ali

A backwards poet writes inverse.

What does a clock do when it’s hungry? It goes back four seconds.

Everybody lies, but it doesn’t matter since nobody listens.

Time is God’s way of keeping everything from happening at once.

I have noticed that the people who are late are often so much jollier that the people who have to wait for them.

I stayed up all night to see where the sun went. Then it dawned on me.

Support bacteria – they’re the only culture some people have.

It is even harder for the average ape to believe that he has descended from man.

In this world, nothing is certain but death and taxes. – Benjamin Franklin

I don’t like people who take drugs... Customs Officers for example.

How do I set a laser printer to stun?

Is Disney World the only people trap operated by a mouse?

“Always be sincere, even when you don’t mean it”. — Irene Peter

He who smiles in a crisis has found someone to blame.

Remember, half the people you know are below average.

What’s another word for Thesaurus?

Stupidity is not a handicap! Park somewhere else!

Everyone hates me because I’m paranoid.

The world is full of willing people; some willing to work, the rest willing to let them.

If you think nobody cares if you’re alive, try missing a couple of car payments.

Chaos, panic, & disorder – my work here is done.

Early to rise, early to bed, makes a man healthy but socially dead.

There are two types of people in this world, good and bad. The good sleep better, but the bad seem to enjoy the waking hours much more.

The scientific theory I like best is that the rings of Saturn are composed entirely of lost airline luggage.

This mind intentionally left blank

Red Tape Holds Up New Bridge!

Men occasionally stumble over the truth, but most of them pick themselves up and hurry off as if nothing had happened. – Winston Churchill

“I’ve noticed that everyone who is for abortion has already been born.” – Ronald Reagan

Anyone can admit they were wrong; the true test is admitting it to someone else.

When in trouble, fear or doubt, run in circles, scream and shout.

“The generation of random numbers is too important to be left to chance.” — Robert R. Coveyou, Oak Ridge National Laboratory.

Best way to get a man to do something, is to suggest they are too old for it.

Applying computer technology is simply finding the right wrench to pound in the correct screw.

I have gone to look for myself, if I should return before I get back, keep me here.

Energizer Bunny arrested: Charged with battery.

Honest criticism is hard to take, particularly from a relative, a friend, an acquaintance, or a stranger.

Doctor, Doctor You’ve got to help me – I just can’t stop my hands shaking. Do you drink a lot? Not really – I spill most of it!

“I could tell that my parents hated me. My bath toys were a toaster and a radio” — Rodney Dangerfield

Those who can laugh without cause have either found the true meaning of happiness or have gone stark raving mad.

In a Copenhagen airline ticket office: We take your bags and send them in all directions.

An army of deer led by a lion is more to be feared than an army of lions led by a deer.

“Reading computer manuals without the hardware is as frustrating as reading sex manuals without the software.” — Arthur C. Clarke.

When I was a boy I was told that anybody could become president; I’m beginning to believe it.

You’ll never get to heaven if you’re scared of getting high.

I want to die peacefully in my sleep like my grandfather, not screaming in abject horror like his passengers.

“Few things are harder to put up with than a good example.”—Mark Twain

Sometimes I wake up grumpy; other times I let her sleep

If you can’t convince them, confuse them.

A penny saved is a Congressional spending oversight.

Authority makes some people grow – and others just swell.

I had some words with my wife, and she had some paragraphs with me.

No sense being pessimistic, it probably wouldn’t work anyway.

I am a nobody, nobody is perfect, therefore I’m perfect.

“This report, by its very length, defends itself against the risk of being read”. — Winston Churchill

I’m an apathetic sociopath – I’d kill you if I cared.

If sex is such a natural phenomenon, how come there are so many books on how to do it.

Booze is the answer. I don’t remember the question.

When I was young, I could remember anything. Whether it happened or not.

I spent most of my money on booze, drugs and women... The rest I wasted!

Before marriage, a man yearns for the woman he loves. After marriage, the ‘Y’ becomes silent.

Nick Overruled - Democratic Majority Decision

By the time a man realises that his father was right, he has a son who thinks he’s wrong.

Hard work never killed anybody but why take the chance?

If you can’t beat your computer at chess, try kickboxing.

When I’m not in my right mind, my left mind gets pretty crowded

It’s not hard to meet expenses, they’re everywhere.

Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying of nothing.

I used to be a Kleptomaniac, But now I’m taking something for it

Even crime wouldn’t pay if the government ran it.

You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They left a little note on the windscreen, it said ‘Parking Fine.’

PMS jokes aren’t funny. Period.

Plagiarism saves time.

I don’t enjoy computer jokes; not one bit.

Men are from earth. Women are from earth. Deal with it.

If a President doesn’t do it to his wife, he’ll do it to his country.

If you don’t know why I’m mad at you, then I’m certainly not going to tell you

Plato is dead, Einstein is dead, and I’m not feeling too good myself...

Any task worth doing was worth doing yesterday.

“If builders built buildings the way programmers write programs, then the first woodpecker that came along would destroy civilization” — Weinberg’s Second Law.

Not all men are annoying. Some are dead.

Never put off until tomorrow what you can avoid altogether.

Bigamy is having one wife too many. Monogamy is the same. – Oscar Wilde

A diplomatic husband said to his wife, how do you expect me to remember your birthday when you never look any older?

The art of flying is to throw yourself at the ground and miss.

The dictionary is the only place where success comes before work.

Every time I look at you I get a fierce desire to be lonesome.

Isn’t having a smoking section in a restaurant like having a peeing section in a swimming pool?

Any ship can be a minesweeper... once.

I thought I made a mistake once, but I was wrong.

From the moment I picked your book up until I laid it down I was convulsed with laughter. Some day I intend reading it.

Go the extra mile. It makes your boss look like an incompetent slacker.

I have great faith in fools; my friends call it self-confidence.

I hate women because they always know where things are.

Cab drivers are living proof that practice does not make perfect.

I stayed up all night to see where the sun went. Then it dawned on me.

If we aren’t supposed to eat animals, why are they made of meat?

A cartoonist was found dead in his home. Details are sketchy.

I got a job at a bakery because I kneaded dough.

“Managing senior programmers is like herding cats” — Dave Platt.

Never underestimate the power of very stupid people in large groups.

History will be kind to me for I intend to write it. – Winston Churchill

If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?

I love deadlines. I especially like the whooshing sound they make as they go flying by.

Haunted French pancakes give me the crêpes.

Why do we wash bath towels, aren’t we clean when we use them?

If it weren’t for the last minute, nothing would ever get done.

A bargain is something you don’t need at a price you can’t resist.

“You start coding. I’ll go find out what they want.” — Computer analyst to programmer

If I were two-faced, would I be wearing this one?

System Error - Windows Loaded

If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?

If you want a committed man, look in a mental hospital.

So Many Pedestrians – So Little Time.

As long as there are tests, there will be prayer in public schools.

I Refuse To Have A Battle Of Wits With An Unarmed Person.

One martini is all right, two is too many, and three is not enough.

An Apple a day keeps the doctor away. But... an onion a day keeps everyone away.

I spilled spot remover on my dog. Now he’s gone.

If Bill Gates had a nickel for every time Windows crashed... oh wait, he does.

Where you stand depends on where you sit.

I’m not into working out. My philosophy: No pain, no pain.

We spend the first twelve months of our children’s lives teaching them to walk and talk and the next twelve telling them to sit down and shut up.

Where do you find an Irish woodworm? Dead inside a brick.

Don’t use a big word where a diminutive one will suffice.

Leftists are among the first to speak of their rights.

Some people are alive only because it’s illegal to kill them.

The illegal we do immediately. The unconstitutional takes a little longer. – Henry Kissinger

Eschew obfuscation.

Artificial Intelligence is no match for Natural Stupidity.

I’m not afraid of heights, only widths.

Don’t look back. Something may be gaining on you.

Smith & Wesson — the original point and click interface.

It is a small world, but I wouldn’t like to have to paint it.

I have a simple philosophy. Fill what’s empty. Empty what’s full. Scratch where it itches.

Tips for Vegetarians: Hit a chicken enough times and it turns into a vegetable.

Outside of a dog, a book is probably man’s best friend, and inside of a dog, it’s too dark to read.

Connection Reset By Aboriginal With Wire Cutters

Murphy’s Golden Rule: Whoever has the gold makes the rules.

The sooner you fall behind the more time you’ll have to catch up.

A dyslexic man walks into a bra.

An egotist is a person of low taste—more interested in himself than in me.

I took an IQ test and the results were negative.

Jack and Jill did it for the insurance.

“They say hard work never hurt anybody, but I figure why take the chance.” – Ronald Reagan

I did a theatrical performance about puns. It was a play on words.

In a Rome laundry: Ladies, leave your clothes here and spend the afternoon having a good time.

If a job is worth doing well get someone else to do it.

Always remember you’re unique, just like everyone else.

The surprising thing about young fools is how many survive to become old fools.

“There are only two things that are infinite: the universe and human stupidity. And I’m not sure about the universe.” A. Einstein

Allow me to introduce my selves.

We waste time, so you don’t have to.

A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat.

Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?

“War does not determine who is right - only who is left.” – Bertrand Russell

Better to remain silent and be thought a fool, than to speak and remove all doubt.

I always wanted to be somebody, but I should have been more specific.

A guy got arrested for playing the guitar. He was fingering a minor.

I laugh in the face of danger, except if I’m involved.

Did you hear about the cross-eyed teacher who lost her job because she couldn’t control her pupils?

Don’t stop to stomp on ants when the elephants are stampeding.

Just because your head is the biggest doesn’t mean it contains the right ideas.

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