Amusing Quotes & One-Liners — Ned Martin’s Amused

Amusing Quotes & One-Liners

Santa’s helpers are subordinate clauses.

You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They left a little note on the windscreen, it said ‘Parking Fine.’

If sex is such a natural phenomenon, how come there are so many books on how to do it.

I’m an apathetic sociopath – I’d kill you if I cared.

The illegal we do immediately. The unconstitutional takes a little longer. – Henry Kissinger

A synonym is a word you use when you can’t spell the word you first thought of.

Before you give a colleague a piece of your mind, be sure you can spare it.

I like kids, but I don’t think I could eat a whole one.

When life hands you a lemon, make lemonade.

If money talks, it ain’t on speakin’ terms with me.

If at first you don’t succeed, destroy all the evidence that you tried.

Everybody is somebody else’s weirdo.

It is a small world, but I wouldn’t like to have to paint it.

“I’d rather have a bottle in front of me, than a frontal lobotomy”. — Tom Waits

If I were two-faced, would I be wearing this one?

Of course, we are all worms—but I like to think, at least, that I am a glow-worm. – Winston Churchill

If the French were really intelligent, they’d speak English.

How do you sink an Irish Submarine? Knock on the hatch.

My reality check just bounced.

When Chemists die, they barium.

An Irish man was driving to the airport when he saw a sign saying ‘Airport – Left’... So he went home.

It is not my interest to pay the principal, nor my principal to pay the interest.

“Managing senior programmers is like herding cats” — Dave Platt.

Hang in there; retirement is only thirty years away.

If a job is worth doing well get someone else to do it.

If At First You Don’t Succeed... Blame Someone Else And Seek Counseling.

Two strings walk into a bar. The first string says to the bartender, “Bartender, I’ll have a beer. u.5n$x5t?*&4ru!2[sACCErJ”. The second string says, “Pardon my friend, he isn’t NULL terminated”.

Politicians are people who, when they see the light at the end of the tunnel, go out and buy more tunnel.

He’s so lazy. I’ve seen him step into a revolving door and wait.

Hope sees the invisible, feels the intangible and achieves the impossible.

Velcro — what a rip off!

Well, if I called the wrong number, why did you answer the phone?

Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?

“The best thing about the future is that it comes only one day at a time.” – Abraham Lincoln

It’s bad luck to be superstitious.

Remember half the people you know are below average.

I either want less corruption, or more chance to participate in it.

How did Moses make his tea? Hebrews it.

Acupuncture is a jab well done.

Anything not nailed down is mine. Anything I can pry loose is not nailed down.

A conscience does not prevent sin. It only prevents you from enjoying it.

Why don’t you ever see the headline “Psychic Wins Lottery”?

Why were the Indians here first? They had reservations.

Shin: a device for finding furniture in the dark.

Oh, don’t fuss. I just cut myself. It’s no big deal,” REALLY MEANS, “I have actually severed a limb, but will bleed to death before I admit I’m hurt.”

The dictionary is the only place where success comes before work.

“There is no reason anyone would want a computer in their home.” — Ken Olson, founder of Digital Equipment Corp., 1977.

Cab drivers are living proof that practice does not make perfect.

The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.

Brain: an apparatus with which we think we think.

To B or not to B? *kills the B* I HATE BEES!!!! – LynxofCP

The shortest distance between two points is under construction.

There are 10 types of people in the world: Those who understand binary, and those who don’t.

Time is God’s way of keeping everything from happening at once.

It’s strange, isn’t it. You stand in the middle of a library and go aaaaagghhhh’ and everyone just stares at you. But you do the same thing on an aeroplane, and everyone joins in.

The sooner you fall behind the more time you’ll have to catch up.

I used to be apathetic, but now I don’t give a damn.

Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian any more than going to the garage makes you a car.

Don’t be irreplaceable; if you cannot be replaced, you cannot be promoted.

According to recent study someone is run over by a car every 5 minutes in the city. You’d think the guy would have enough sense to get out of the street.

I am free of all prejudices. I hate everyone equally.

I’d like to see things your way, but I’m looking in another direction.

I am obviously right, and as you disagree with me, then logically you must be wrong.

Time flies like an arrow – fruit flies like a banana.

One martini is all right, two is too many, and three is not enough.

I always wanted to be somebody, but I should have been more specific.

“You start coding. I’ll go find out what they want.” — Computer analyst to programmer

Englishmen never will be slaves: they are free to do whatever the Government and public opinion allow them to do.

What do you call a dinosaur with an extensive vocabulary? A thesaurus.

Connection Reset By Aboriginal With Wire Cutters

If it’s 0 degrees today and it’s going to be twice as cold tomorrow... how cold will it be?

If puns were outlawed, only outlaws would have puns.

It is said that if you line up all the cars in the world end to end, someone would be stupid enough to try and pass them.

One should forgive one’s enemies, but not before they are hanged.

People can be divided into three groups: Those who make things happen, those who watch things happen, and those who wonder what happened.

Chipped dishes never break.

Half of the people in the world are below average.

Booze is the answer. I don’t remember the question.

Honesty is the best policy, but insanity is a better defence.

Genius is 1% inspiration, and 99% perspiration.

History will be kind to me for I intend to write it. – Winston Churchill

Being a philosopher, I have a problem for every solution.

The number of people watching you is directly proportional to the stupidity of your action.

“Reading computer manuals without the hardware is as frustrating as reading sex manuals without the software.” — Arthur C. Clarke.

In a Tokyo shop: Our nylons cost more than common, but you’ll find they are best in the long run.

Quantum: Noun, word used to sound like I know what I’m talking about while discussing physics I’ve never actually studied.

Doctor, Doctor You’ve got to help me – I just can’t stop my hands shaking. Do you drink a lot? Not really – I spill most of it!

“Hey, I’ve got reasons for what I’m doing,” REALLY MEANS, “I sure hope I think of some pretty soon.”

Red Tape Holds Up New Bridge!

I always wanted to be a procrastinator, never got around to it though.

If someone with multiple personalities threatens suicide... is it considered a hostage situation?

People with narrow minds usually have broad tongues.

Marriage is a three-ring circus: engagement ring, wedding ring, and suffering.

If you can’t be kind, at least have the decency to be vague.

Roses are red, Violets are blue. In Soviet Russia, Poems write you.

“I wish everyone was peaceful. Then I could take over the planet with a butter knife”—Dogbert

A cartoonist was found dead in his home. Details are sketchy.

When I was young, I could remember anything. Whether it happened or not.

The truth is a precious commodity. That’s why I use it so sparingly.

It is a fitting irony that under Richard Nixon, ‘launder’ became a dirty word.

Haunted French pancakes give me the crêpes.

Leftists are among the first to speak of their rights.

On the other hand you have different fingers.

Experience is something you do not get until just after you need it.

I took an IQ test and the results were negative.

Energizer Bunny arrested: Charged with battery.

You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say will be misquoted then used against you.

“This report, by its very length, defends itself against the risk of being read”. — Winston Churchill

Last night I lay in bed looking up at the stars in the sky and I thought to myself, “Where the heck is the ceiling?”

Consciousness: that annoying time between naps.

“Einstein argued that there must be simplified explanations of nature, because God is not capricious or arbitrary. No such faith comforts the software engineer.” — Fred Brooks.

The human brain is a wonderful thing. It starts working the moment you are born, and never stops until you stand up to speak in public.

I installed a skylight in my apartment. The people who live above me are furious.

Blessed are those who can laugh at themselves, they will never cease to be amused.

Having more money doesn’t make you happier. I have 50 million dollars but I’m just as happy as when I had 48 million. ~ Arnold Schwarzenegger.

A pessimist is a man who has been compelled to live with an optimist

Perhaps you’re diagonally parked in a parallel universe?

I am amazed at radio DJ’s today. I am firmly convinced that AM on my radio stands for Absolute Moron. I will not begin to tell you what FM stands for.

I’m in no shape to exercise.

“I’ve noticed that everyone who is for abortion has already been born.” – Ronald Reagan

Comedy is tragedy plus time.

Never go to a doctor whose office plants have died.

Madness takes its toll. Please have exact change.

“I believe in equality for everyone, except reporters and photographers”. — Gandhi

Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.

Why is it called tourist season if we can’t shoot at them?

It has recently been discovered that research causes cancer in rats.

“Then he ran into my knife. He ran into my knife ten times.” – Chicago

In the beginning, God created earth and rested. Then God created man and rested. Then God created woman. Since then, neither God nor man has rested.

Age is an issue of mind over matter. If you don’t mind, it doesn’t matter.

A hangover is the wrath of grapes.

When I was a boy I was told that anybody could become president; I’m beginning to believe it.

Get a new car for your spouse – it’ll be a great trade!

Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7th of your life.

It used to be only death and taxes were inevitable. Now, of course, there’s shipping and handling, too.

If you can’t convince them, confuse them.

Some people are going to leave a mark on this world, while others will leave a stain.

Being in the army is like being in the Boy Scouts, except that the Boy Scouts have adult supervision.

Nobody can be exactly like me. Even I have trouble doing it.

Everybody has a photographic memory. Some don’t have film.

Be thankful for problems. If they were less difficult, someone with less ability might have your job.

A guy got arrested for playing the guitar. He was fingering a minor.

If vegetable oil comes from vegetables, where does baby oil come from?

The secret of success is sincerity. Once you can fake that you’ve got it made.

Stupidity is not a handicap! Park somewhere else!

Bacteria: the only culture some people have.

All my life, I always wanted to be somebody. Now I see that I should have been more specific.

If you don’t know where you are going, you will wind up somewhere else.

I don’t suffer from stress. I’m a carrier.

Only a fool is astonished by the foolishness of humankind.

Honk if you love peace and quiet.

There are two types of people in this world, good and bad. The good sleep better, but the bad seem to enjoy the waking hours much more.

People who think they know everything are annoying to those of us who do.

Remember the teakettle; though up to its neck in hot water, it continues to sing.

There are very few personal problems that cannot be solved through a suitable application of high explosives.

At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be “What is hell?” Come early and listen to our choir practice.

“#define QUESTION ((bb) || !(bb))” — Shakespeare

The only perfect science is hindsight.

111,111,111 x 111,111,111 = 12,345,678,987,654,321

I married Miss Right. I just didn’t know her first name was Always.

“My wife made me join a bridge club. I jump off next Tuesday” — Rodney Dangerfield

It is not what a teenager knows that bothers his parents. It is how he found out.

I like to start my periods with sentences.

Outside of a dog, a book is probably man’s best friend, and inside of a dog, it’s too dark to read.

If you think nobody cares if you’re alive, try missing a couple of car payments.

My mind works like lightning. One brilliant flash and it is gone.

Marriage is not a word; it is a sentence.

It is hard to understand how a cemetery raised its burial charges and blamed it on the cost of living.

A penny saved is a Congressional spending oversight.

A clean tie attracts the soup of the day.

What hair color do they put on the driver’s licenses of bald men?

Just because you’re not paranoid doesn’t mean they’re not out to get you.

Someone sent me a postcard picture of the earth. On the back it said, “Wish you were here.”

When you are arguing with an idiot, make sure the other person isn’t doing the same thing.

Experience is simply the name we give our mistakes.

Save the whales. Collect the whole set.

Laugh and the world laughs with you; snore and you sleep alone.

I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.

I’m out of my mind, but feel free to leave a message.

Quantum mechanics: The dreams stuff is made of.

Someday we’ll look back on all this and plow into the back of a parked car.

In democracy it’s your vote that counts. In feudalism it’s your count that votes.

I wondered why the baseball was getting bigger. Then it hit me.

Sometimes I think the surest sign that intelligent life exists elsewhere in the universe is that none of it has tried to contact us.

Horn broken. Watch for finger. (on bumper sticker)

I stayed up all night to see where the sun went. Then it dawned on me.

Every time I look at you I get a fierce desire to be lonesome.

If the human brain were so simple that we could understand it, we would be so simple we couldn’t.

Man shoots neighbour with machete [The Miami Herald, July 3]

Time is a great teacher, but unfortunately it kills all its pupils.

Youth would be an ideal state if it came a little later in life.

Knowledge is the key, but where is the damn lock?

If you can’t dazzle them with brilliance... just baffle them with bullsh*t.

When he first ran for office, he appealed to the voters: “I never stole anything in my life. All I ask is a chance.”

I’m desperately trying to figure out why kamikaze pilots wore helmets.

I changed my iPod’s name to Titanic. It’s syncing now.

You can’t have everything. Where would you put it?

If you’re not confused, you’re not paying attention.

The things that come to those that wait may be the things left by those who got there first.

I laugh in the face of danger, except if I’m involved.

Honest criticism is hard to take, particularly from a relative, a friend, an acquaintance, or a stranger.

I have a simple philosophy. Fill what’s empty. Empty what’s full. Scratch where it itches.

It is even harder for the average ape to believe that he has descended from man.

“There are only two things that are infinite: the universe and human stupidity. And I’m not sure about the universe.” A. Einstein

He’s not dead, he’s electroencephalographically challenged.

Fundamentalism: Believe in a kind, loving God or we’ll kill you!

He who laughs last thinks slowest.

Allow me to introduce my selves.

Never put both feet in your mouth at the same time, because then you don’t have a leg to stand on.

Hemp is a herb. Bush is a dope.

I used to think I was indecisive, but now I’m not sure.

In this world, nothing is certain but death and taxes. – Benjamin Franklin

Remember... Marriage is the number one cause of divorce. Statistically, 100% of all divorces started with marriage.

Eagles may soar, but weasels don’t get sucked into jet engines.

TEAMWORK... means never having to take all the blame yourself.

“Reader, suppose you were an idiot. And suppose you were a member of Congress. But I repeat myself”. — Mark Twain

If I were someone who knew something, who could I tell that would believe me?

Chaos, panic, & disorder – my work here is done.

Wine divulges truth.

I wonder how much deeper would the ocean be without sponges.

It doesn’t matter what temperature the room is; it’s always room temperature.

If I have to work for an idiot, I might as well work for myself.

I started out with nothing, and I still have most of it.

A poor excuse is like an old bucket; doesn’t matter what shape it is in, as long as it holds water.

Pick your friends but not to pieces.

Where there’s a will, I want to be in it.

Age always corresponds inversely to the size of your multivitamin.

I’m not dumb; I just have a command of thoroughly useless information.

IRS: We’ve got what it takes to take what you’ve got.

If you try and don’t succeed, cheat. Repeat until caught. Then lie.

AIBOHPHOBIA – the fear of palindromes.

How do you know if a fish is Irish? It has drowned.

Murphy’s Golden Rule: Whoever has the gold makes the rules.

Needing someone is like needing a parachute. If he isn’t there the first time you need him, chances are you won’t be needing him again.

Everybody is ignorant, only on different subjects.

I have had more trouble with myself than with any other man I’ve met.

A printer consists of three main parts: the case, the jammed paper tray and the blinking red light

Broken pencils are pointless.

I don’t necessarily agree with everything I say.

What happens if you get scared half to death twice?

You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.

I don’t approve of political jokes... I’ve seen too many of them get elected.

Cole’s Law: Thinly sliced cabbage.

Women like silent men. They think they’re listening.

Work: It isn’t just for sleeping anymore.

The earthquake in Washington obviously was the government’s fault.

“Few things are harder to put up with than a good example.”—Mark Twain

On the plus side, death is one of the few things that can be done just as easily as lying down.

How do I set a laser printer to stun?

Good judgement comes from experience. Experience comes from bad judgement.

Connection Reset - Insufficient Electrons

By the time a man realises that his father was right, he has a son who thinks he’s wrong.

If at first you don’t succeed, try management.

“A girl phoned me the other day and said... Come on over, there’s nobody home. I went over. Nobody was home” — Rodney Dangerfield

When angry count four, when very angry, swear.

If you want a committed man, look in a mental hospital.

Cheer up, the worst is yet to come.

Success always occurs in private, and failure in full public view.

Ours is a world where people don’t know what they want and are willing to go through hell to get it.

Insanity is hereditary; you can get it from your children.

Any ship can be a minesweeper... once.

I take everything I can for my kleptomania.

This Would Be Really Funny If It Weren’t Happening To Me.

Abel Tasman on discovering Tasmania, “Too far south for spices and too close to the rim of the earth to be inhabited by anything but freaks and monsters”

Proofread carefully to see if you any words out.

There are 3 kinds of people: those who can count and those who can’t.

It’s not hard to meet expenses, they’re everywhere.

Caution – Driver Legally Blonde!

Always try to be modest and be proud of it!

“I’ve been on a calendar but I have never been on time” – Marilyn Monroe

“The object of war is not to die for your country but to make the other bastard die for his.” – General George Patton

Don’t talk unless you can improve the silence.

Lead us not into temptation. Just tell us where it is; we’ll find it.

For people who like peace and quiet – a phoneless cord.

I plead contemporary insanity.

Lord, if you won’t make me skinny, please make all my friends fat.

Does your train of thought have a caboose?

There is no such thing as an underestimate of average intelligence

Shin: a device for finding furniture in the dark.

They told me I had type A blood, but it was a Type O

To define recursion, we must first define recursion.

It is well to remember the entire population of the universe, with one trifling exception, is composed of others.

Before marriage, a man yearns for the woman he loves. After marriage, the ‘Y’ becomes silent.

It’s not that I’m afraid to die; I just don’t want to be there when it happens.

The most powerful force in the universe is gossip.

When in trouble, fear or doubt, run in circles, scream and shout.

Conscience is the inner voice warning us that someone may be looking.

Cheerfulness is contagious, but don’t wait to catch it from others. Be a carrier.

An army of deer led by a lion is more to be feared than an army of lions led by a deer.

Laugh at your problems; everybody else does.

Prediction is extremely difficult. Especially about the future.

Errors have been made. Others will be blamed.

I spent most of my money on booze, drugs and women... The rest I wasted!

Everyone hates me because I’m paranoid.

I don’t want to achieve immortality through my work. I want to achieve immortality through not dying.

If it weren’t for the last minute, nothing would ever get done.

Life... I don’t get it...

The world is full of willing people; some willing to work, the rest willing to let them.

The sooner you fall behind the more time you’ll have to catch up.

Progress was all right. Only it went on too long.

“Blink your eyelids periodically to lubricate your eyes.” — Page 16 of the HP “Environmental, Health Safety Handbook for Employees”.

As the light changed from red to green to yellow and back to red again, I sat there thinking about life. Was it nothing more than a bunch of honking and yelling? Sometimes it seemed that way.

Heck is where people go who don’t believe in gosh.

There are only three kinds of people; people who can count and people who can’t.

Why is it that doctors call what they do “practice”?

I am a nobody, nobody is perfect, therefore I’m perfect.

“How can a president not be an actor?” – when asked “How could an actor become president?” – Ronald Reagan

“You have to be careful about being too careful” – Beryl Pfizer

For Sale: Parachute. Only used once, never opened, small stain.

Two signs from a Majorcan shop entrance: English well speaking / Here speeching American.

A team effort is a lot of people doing what I say

This comment is printed on 100% recycled electrons.

I’m quite easy to get along with, once you learn to beckon at my every call and yield to all my desires.

To find out a girl’s faults, praise her to her girl friends.

The more time you spend in reporting on what you are doing, the less time you have to do it in. Stability is achieved when you spend all your time doing nothing but reporting on the nothing you are doing.

Arguing on the Internet is like competing in the Special Olympics – even if you win, you are still retarded.

System Error - Windows Loaded

Some people are alive only because it’s illegal to kill them.

Partying... oops No Only Parting... sorry

“Thinking is the hardest work there is, which is probably why so few engage in it”. — Henry Ford

Don’t use a big word where a diminutive one will suffice.

When you come to a fork in the road, take it.

Snowmen fall from Heaven unassembled.

Legend: a lie that has attained the dignity of age.

I have kleptomania, but when it gets bad, I take something for it. ~ Robert Benchle

Borrow money from pessimists- they don’t expect to get it back.

Life is far too important to be taken seriously.

“Always be sincere, even when you don’t mean it”. — Irene Peter

One good turn gets most of the blankets.

Alcohol: the cause of, and solution to, all of life’s problems.

He who smiles in a crisis has found someone to blame.

Men are from earth. Women are from earth. Deal with it.

Bachelors know more about women than married men; if they didn’t they’d be married too.

He often broke into song because he couldn’t find the key.

We have two ends. One for sitting and one for thinking. Our success depends on which one we use most.

“He has been given a large brain by mistake, since for him the spinal cord would fully suffice.” — Albert Einstein

I don’t enjoy computer jokes; not one bit.

My girlfriend told me I should be more affectionate. So I got two more girlfriends.

God must love stupid people, he made so many.

If quizzes are quizzical, what are tests?

I did a theatrical performance about puns. It was a play on words.

I have gone to look for myself, if I should return before I get back, keep me here.

Jokes about German sausage are the wurst.

Not all men are annoying. Some are dead.

The most precious thing we have is life. Yet it has absolutely no trade-in value.

Show me a piano falling down a mineshaft and I’ll show you A-flat minor.

I know a guy who is addicted to brake fluid. He says he can stop anytime.

I arise in the morning torn between a desire to improve the world and a desire to enjoy the world. This makes it hard to plan the day.

I love deadlines. I especially like the whooshing sound they make as they go flying by.

Anger is only one letter away from danger.

It is wiser to find out than to suppose.—Mark Twain

It’s not true that married men live longer than single men. It only seems longer.

The best computer is a man, and it’s the only one that can be mass-produced by unskilled labour.

I generally avoid temptation unless I can’t resist it.

If it’s true that we are here to help others, then what exactly are the others here for?

Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way when you criticize them, you are a mile away from them and you have their shoes.

Early to rise, early to bed, makes a man healthy but socially dead.

Did you hear about the cross-eyed teacher who lost her job because she couldn’t control her pupils?

Whenever I feel like exercise, I lie down until the feeling passes.

You have the right to your opinions. I just don’t want to hear them.

If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?

“If women didn’t exist, all the money in the world would have no meaning.” – Aristotle Onassis

“As a matter of fact” is an expression that precedes many an expression that isn’t.

If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?

Plan to be spontaneous tomorrow.

I Haven’t Lost My Mind, It’s Backed Up On Disk Somewhere.

Never argue with an idiot. They drag you down to their level then beat you with experience.

Everything you like is bad for you in some way.

Statistics are like bikinis – What they reveal is suggestive, but what they conceal is vital.

It’s easy to quit smoking... I’ve done it over 10,000 times.

Always do sober what you said you’d do drunk. That will teach you to keep your mouth shut.

Be nice to your kids. They’ll choose your nursing home.

Early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.

Nick Overruled - Democratic Majority Decision

Cluster bombing from B-52s is very, very accurate – the bombs always hit the ground.

Maybe I’m lucky to be going so slowly, because I may be going in the wrong direction.

Money is better than poverty, if only for financial reasons.

If you don’t know where you are going, you might wind up someplace else.

Venison for dinner again? Oh deer!

Even crime wouldn’t pay if the government ran it.

All the toilets in New York’s police stations have been stolen. The police have nothing to go on.

I married my wife for her looks... but not the ones she’s been giving me lately!

Men have a much better time of it than women; for one thing, they marry later; for another thing they die earlier.

Killed - Personality Incompatibility

To succeed in politics, it is often necessary to rise above your principles.

Time’s fun when you’re having flies... Kermit the Frog

“You, you and you: panic. The rest of you, come with me.”

I wished the buck stopped here, as I could use a few.

Smith & Wesson — the original point and click interface.

Macho Law prohibits me from admitting I’m wrong.

If I’d known I was going to live this long, I’d have taken better care of myself.

Man who drive like hell bound to get there.

I used to be a banker, but then I lost interest.

If ever I get married again it would have to be under an anaesthetic.

The short fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.

Under capitalism, man exploits man. Under Communism, it’s just the opposite.

It is hard enough to remember my opinions, without also remembering my reasons for them!

It’s important to be open-minded, but not SO open-minded that your brains fall out.

Men don’t care what’s on TV. They only care what else is on TV.

“Everyday I beat my own previous record for number of consecutive days I’ve stayed alive.”

I am not a vegetarian because I love animals; I am a vegetarian because I hate plants.

I envy people who drink – at least they know what to blame everything on.

I work hard because millions on welfare depend on me.

“The web is a dominatrix. Every where I turn, I see little buttons ordering me to Submit.” — Nytwind.

If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?

After all is said and done, more is said than done.

“They say hard work never hurt anybody, but I figure why take the chance.” – Ronald Reagan

I dropped out of communism class because of lousy Marx.

The only reason some people get lost in thought is because it’s unfamiliar territory.

The doctor can bury his mistakes but an architect can only advise his client to plant vines.

Mental Floss prevents Moral Decay.

Streakers beware: Your end is in sight.

Five out of four people have trouble with fractions.

There’s a fine line between genius and insanity. I have erased this line.

When all other means of communication fail, try words.

Don’t marry for money. You can borrow it cheaper.

My husband says I never listen to him (at least I think that’s what he said)

An Apple a day keeps the doctor away. But... an onion a day keeps everyone away.

The dumber people think you are, the more surprised they’re going to be when you kill them—Rodney Dangerfield

Marriage changes passion... suddenly you’re in bed with a relative.

Hypochondria is the only disease I haven’t got.

Where you stand depends on where you sit.

If people concentrated on the really important things in life, there’d be a shortage of fishing poles.

Once, during prohibition, I was forced to live for days on nothing but food and water.

I stayed up all night to see where the sun went. Then it dawned on me.

Vote for the man who promises least; he’ll be the least disappointing.

If life was fair, Elvis would be alive and all the impersonators would be dead.

Military intelligence is a contradiction in terms.

Why is it that to stop Windows, you have to click on “Start”?

Without question, the greatest invention in the history of mankind is beer. Oh, I grant you that the wheel was also a fine invention, but the wheel does not go nearly as well with pizza.

e=mc^2 where m = the number of cooks required to spoil the broth

There are two kinds of people, those who finish what they start, and so on.

Smoking cures weight problems...eventually...

Optimists believe we live on the greatest world. Pessimists believe this is true.

The fellow who thinks he knows it all is especially annoying to those of us who do.

If trees could scream, would we be so cavalier about cutting them down? We might, if they screamed all the time, for no good reason.

Men’s faults are many, women have only two. Everything they say, and everything they do.

If all you have is a hammer, everything looks like a nail.

Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.

“Always in motion the future is. Seasick it makes me. That’s why so green I am”. – Yoda

“Auntie Em: hate you, hate Kansas, taking the dog.” – Dorothy

“You can always count on Americans to do the right thing—after they’ve tried everything else” – Winston Churchill

Sheep don’t fly so much as plummet.

“The generation of random numbers is too important to be left to chance.” — Robert R. Coveyou, Oak Ridge National Laboratory.

Sometimes I wake up grumpy; other times I let her sleep

I thought I wanted a career, turns out I just wanted paychecks.

Never buy a car you can’t push.

I intend to live forever – so far, so good.

We must believe in free will, we have no choice.

To err is human – and to blame it on a computer is even more so.

“My computer NEVER loc

Remember, half the people you know are below average.

Be kind to your dentist. He has fillings, too.

I love cats – they taste just like chicken.

Jack and Jill did it for the insurance.

Youth is a wonderful thing. What a crime to waste it on children.

In the beginning, there was nothing. Then God said, “Let there be light,” and there was still nothing, but you could see it.

“On two occasions I have been asked [by members of Parliament!]: ‘Pray, Mr. Babbage, if you put into the machine wrong figures, will the right answers come out ?’ I am not able rightly to apprehend the kind of confusion of ideas that could provoke such a question.” — Charles Babbage.

Raising teenagers is like trying to nail Jell-O to a tree.

Anything that can become tangled around something else, will.

Isn’t having a smoking section in a restaurant like having a peeing section in a swimming pool?

Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying of nothing.

If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?

Man does not live by words alone, despite the fact that sometimes he has to eat them.

If you can’t convince them, confuse them.

Get even – live long enough to be a problem to your kids.

In the office of a Roman doctor: Specialist in women and other diseases.

Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?

Who is General Failure and why is he reading my hard disk?

Succeed in spite of management. Aim Low; Reach Your Goals, Avoid Disappointment.

Constipated People Don’t Give A Crap.

A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat.

Eagles may soar, but weasels don’t get sucked into jet engines.

I’m not into working out. My philosophy: No pain, no pain.

Foolproof systems don’t take into account the ingenuity of fools.

Illiterate? Write For Help.

What’s another word for Thesaurus?

Is Disney World the only people trap operated by a mouse?

I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol.

Climbers aim for the summit because it is there. Bungi jumpers dive off the top because they aren’t all there.

Years ago fairy tales began with “Once upon a time...” Now it’s “If I am elected...”

Everything is possible; just not too probable.

Living is not worth dying for.

From the moment I picked your book up until I laid it down I was convulsed with laughter. Some day I intend reading it.

Bigamy is having one wife too many. Monogamy is the same. – Oscar Wilde

If you want your spouse to listen and pay strict attention to every word you say, talk in your sleep.

I don’t have an attitude problem. You have a perception problem.

I’m not afraid of heights, only widths.

If at first you don’t succeed, try, try again. Then quit. There’s no use being a damned fool about it.

Age is a very high price to pay for maturity.

Tips for Vegetarians: Hit a chicken enough times and it turns into a vegetable.

Everybody is ignorant, only on different subjects.

As long as there are tests, there will be prayer in public schools.

Go the extra mile. It makes your boss look like an incompetent slacker.

In a Budapest zoo: Please do not feed the animals. If you have any suitable food, give it to the guard on duty.

When your IQ reaches 80 –– sell.

Ninety-nine per cent of the people in the world are fools and the rest of us are in great danger of contagion.

You’re such an inspiration for the way I’ll never choose to be.

“Heavier-than-air flying machines are impossible.” — Lord Kelvin, president, Royal Society, 1895.

Take my advice, I don’t use it anyway.

There’s a difference between being open-minded and having a hole in your head

They say if you play a Microsoft CD backwards you hear satanic messages. That’s nothing, if you play it forwards it installs Windows.

The early bird gets the worm, but the early worm gets eaten.

Ever stop to think and forget to start again?

I think that’s how Chicago got started. A bunch of people in New York said, “Gee, I’m enjoying the crime and the poverty, but it just isn’t cold enough. Let’s go west.”—Richard Jeni

Some pain is physical, and some is mental, but one that’s both is dental.

Never underestimate the power of very stupid people in large groups.

If Bill Gates had a nickel for every time Windows crashed... oh wait, he does.

People don’t grow up; they just learn how to act in public.

That which cannot be taken apart will fall apart.

Bachelors have consciences, married men have wives.

I’ve been trying for some time to develop a life style that doesn’t require my presence.

My life has a superb cast but I can’t figure out the plot.

Eschew obfuscation.

Money is flat and meant to be piled up. – Scottish Proverb

I’ve always wanted to be normal, but lately I’ve come to suspect that this is it.

“A patriot must always be ready to defend his country against his government”. — Edward Abbey

Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

Sex on television can’t hurt you unless you fall off.

On the keyboard of life, always keep one finger on the escape key.

“C++ : Where friends have access to your private members.” — Gavin Russell Baker.

How Many Roads Must A Man Travel Down Before He Admits He Is Lost?

I can please only one person per day. Today is not your day. Tomorrow isn’t looking good either.

Well if this is the wrong number, why did you answer it?

We are going on a field trip to the Coca-Cola factory. I hope there are no pop quizzes.

In a Copenhagen airline ticket office: We take your bags and send them in all directions.

“This ‘telephone’ has too many shortcomings to be seriously considered as a means of communication.” — Western Union internal memo, 1876.

They say you only use ten percent of your brain. What about the other ten?

Never put off until tomorrow what you can avoid altogether.

Modesty is a virtue of fools.

My parents stayed together for forty years, but that was out of spite.

I had amnesia once or twice.

Be careful when reading health books; you may die of a misprint.

I majored in liberal arts. Will that be for here or to go?

A day without sun shine is like, you know, night.

Keyboard not detected. Press F1 to continue

Friends may come and go, but enemies accumulate

Seen it all, done it all, can’t remember most of it.

The second day of a diet is alway easier than the first. By the second day, you’re off it.

Plagiarism saves time.

“I could tell that my parents hated me. My bath toys were a toaster and a radio” — Rodney Dangerfield

The trouble with the rat race is that even if you win, you’re still a rat.

Why is the man that invests your money called a broker?

There are two kinds of people, those who finish what they start, and so on.

I guess traffic in the city is improving a little. Yesterday, I drove clear across town and only had to shave twice.

Work expands to fill the time available. — PARKINSON’S LAW

“Every mighty oak was once just a nut who stood his ground.”

Confidence is the feeling you have before you understand the situation

Plato is dead, Einstein is dead, and I’m not feeling too good myself...

Best way to get a man to do something, is to suggest they are too old for it.

Nothing means nothing, but it isn’t really nothing because nothing is something that isn’t.

On a tombstone: I TOLD YOU I WAS SICK

Everybody lies, but it doesn’t matter since nobody listens.

I have spent my whole life looking for the perfect woman, and now I’ve found her. Too bad she’s looking for the perfect man.

No sense being pessimistic, it probably wouldn’t work anyway.

I used to be a Kleptomaniac, But now I’m taking something for it

I have great faith in fools; my friends call it self-confidence.

I don’t meet competition. I crush it

It’s just a job. Grass grows, birds fly, waves pound the sand. I just beat people up. – Muhammad Ali

As a final incentive before giving up a difficult task, try to imagine it successfully accomplished by someone you violently dislike.

Men occasionally stumble over the truth, but most of them pick themselves up and hurry off as if nothing had happened. – Winston Churchill

If a President doesn’t do it to his wife, he’ll do it to his country.

You’ll never get to heaven if you’re scared of getting high.

I used up all my sick days, so I’m calling in dead.

Tip the world over on its side and everything loose will land in Los Angeles.

I was at a bar nursing a beer. My nipple was getting quite soggy.

When a clock is hungry, it goes back four seconds.

At the age of six I wanted to be a cook. At seven I wanted to be Napoleon. And my ambition has been growing steadily ever since.

“I have never let my schooling interfere with my education.”—Mark Twain

I love work; it fascinates me; I can sit and watch it for hours.

The trouble with jogging is that, by the time you realise you’re not in shape for it, it’s far too far to walk back.

If automobiles had followed the same development cycle as the computer, a Rolls Royce would today cost $100, get a million miles per gallon, and explode once a year, killing everyone inside.

Blessed are the young, for they shall inherit the national debt.

I didn’t like my beard at first. Then it grew on me.

England has no kidney bank, but it does have a Liverpool.

“When you starve with a tiger, the tiger starves last”. — Griffin’s Thought

In elementary school, in case of fire, you have to line up quietly in a single file line from smallest to tallest. What is the logic? Do tall people burn slower?

If you don’t pay your exorcist you get repossessed.

Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.

Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?

What sane person could live in this world and not be crazy?

I want to die peacefully in my sleep like my grandfather, not screaming in abject horror like his passengers.

My schoolmates would make love to anything that moved, but I never saw any reason to limit myself.

“Are you going to come quietly, or do I have to use earplugs?”—Vale Spike Milligan

My one regret in life is that I am not someone else.

The difference between a stepping-stone and a stumbling block can be when you see it.

Seeing a murder on television...will help work off one’s antagonisms. And if you haven’t any antagonisms, the commercials will give you some.

If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?

A dyslexic man walks into a bra.

Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy.

Democracy is a process by which people are free to choose the man who will get the blame.

Outside a Hong Kong tailor shop: Ladies may have a fit upstairs.

There are three ways to get something done: do it yourself, hire someone, or forbid your kids to do it.

Does this smell like chloroform to you?

How do you keep an Irishman busy? Write P.T.O on both sides of a piece of paper.

The scientific theory I like best is that the rings of Saturn are composed entirely of lost airline luggage.

Anyone who told you to be yourself couldn’t have given you worse advice.

My mind not only wanders, sometimes it leaves completely.

When I’m not in my right mind, my left mind gets pretty crowded

Gossip: The art of saying nothing while leaving nothing unsaid.

Man who eat many prunes get good run for money.

A diplomatic husband said to his wife, how do you expect me to remember your birthday when you never look any older?

The trouble with life is there’s no background music.

“Things are more like they are now than they ever were before.” – Former U.S. President Dwight D. Eisenhower

I have the body of a GOD – Buddha.

If olive oil comes from olives, where does baby oil come from?

The beatings will continue until morale improves.

Well, this day was a total waste of makeup.

There’s a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot.

Everyone needs belief in something. I believe I’ll have another beer.

A person who smiles in the face of adversity... probably has a scapegoat.

Some people are alive only because it’s illegal to kill them.

Jokes about German sausage are the wurst.

Time sneaks up on you like a windshield on a bug.

Why does Sea World have a seafood restaurant? I’m halfway through my fish burger and I realize, Oh my gosh... I could be eating a slow learner.

“Oh dear,” said God, “I hadn’t thought of that,” and promptly vanished in a puff of logic.

If we aren’t supposed to eat animals, why are they made of meat?

Hard work never killed anybody but why take the chance?

Artificial Intelligence is no match for Natural Stupidity.

A backwards poet writes inverse.

“Life is a waste of time, time is a waste of life, so get wasted all of the time and have the time of your life”. — Tom Waits

I’m sorry; you cannot have an outlook on life because it isn’t responding. Microsoft apologises for any inconvenience.

Programmer – A red-eyed, mumbling mammal capable of conversing with inanimate objects.

Slow is when someone laps you in the hundred-yard dash

“People who drink light beer don’t like the taste of beer; they just like to pee a lot” — Rodney Dangerfield

I majored in liberal arts. Will that be for here or to go?

Anything not nailed down is a cat toy.

INDECISION is the key to FLEXIBILITY.

I get enough exercise just pushing my luck.

Technology is a way of organizing the universe so that man doesn’t have to experience it.

My favorite mythical creature? The honest politician.

If a man opens a car door for a woman, either the car is new or the woman.

So Many Pedestrians – So Little Time.

Lots of people know a good thing the minute the other fellow sees it first.

Whenever people agree with me, I always feel I must be wrong.

Even paranoids have real enemies.

This guy walks into a bar and the barman says “Ouch, that must have hurt”

Restarting System - Mouse Moved

If you can stay calm, while all around you is chaos... then you probably haven’t completely understood the situation.

The art of flying is to throw yourself at the ground and miss.

I was the next door kid’s imaginary friend.

How do you get an Irishman to burn his ear? Ring him up while he is ironing.

Next time you wave, use all your fingers.

If con is the opposite of pro, congress is the opposite of progress.

Age is a question of mind over matter. If you don’t mind, it don’t matter.

I had some words with my wife, and she had some paragraphs with me.

“I worked in a pet shop and people kept asking how big I’d get” — Rodney Dangerfield

If at first you don’t succeed, skydiving is not your sport.

Just remember... if the world didn’t suck, we’d all fall off.

I tried to photograph the fog, but I mist.

Moderation in all things, including moderation.

A bachelor is a man who comes to work from a different direction each morning.

Marathon runners with bad footwear suffer the agony of defeat.

A conclusion is simply the place where you got tired of thinking.

If we don’t succeed, we run the risk of failure.

Most vegetarians look so much like the food they eat that they can be classified as cannibals.

A bird does not sing because it has an answer—it sings because it has a song.

If you don’t learn to laugh at troubles, you won’t have anything to laugh at when you grow old.

Make sure your mind isn’t so open that your brains fall out.

Just because your head is the biggest doesn’t mean it contains the right ideas.

I love being married. It’s so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.

Man who run behind car get exhausted.

Mines are equal opportunity weapons.

Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

A committee is a body that keeps minutes and wastes hours.

Tell me what you need, and I’ll tell you how to get along without it.

I don’t like people who take drugs... Customs Officers for example.

99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.

Anyone can admit they were wrong; the true test is admitting it to someone else.

What do you call a dinosaur with an extensive vocabulary? A thesaurus.

A procrastinator’s work is never done.

A drop of ink may make a million think.

If you do not make dust, you eat dust.

Don’t use a big word where a diminutive one will suffice.

How do you spot an Irishman at a carwash? He’s the one on the bike.

A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a train stops. On my desk I have a workstation...

An egotist has one point in his favour – he doesn’t go round talking about other people.

The only difference between Genius and Insanity... is success.

Love is blind, but marriage is a real eye-opener.

You look like a million dollars. All green and wrinkled.

Help Wanted: Telepath. You know where to apply.

An egotist is a person of low taste—more interested in himself than in me.

This mind intentionally left blank

“War does not determine who is right - only who is left.” – Bertrand Russell

One day I will get this peer guy and reset his connection.

I like children. Properly cooked.

Love is like an hourglass, with the heart filling up as the brain empties.

There is nothing so annoying as to have two people go right on talking when you’re interrupting.

I’m reading a book about anti-gravity. I can’t put it down.

I Refuse To Have A Battle Of Wits With An Unarmed Person.

Don’t Be Sexist – Broads Hate That.

A bird in the hand is safer than one overhead.

You can say any foolish thing to a dog, and the dog will give you a look that says, “My God, you’re right! I never would’ve thought of that!”

“I am not worried about the deficit. It is big enough to take care of itself.” – Ronald Reagan

I live in my own little world, but it’s ok they know me here.

Money can’t buy happiness, but it sure makes misery easier to live with.

If we learn by our mistakes, some of us are getting one hell of an education!

Authority makes some people grow – and others just swell.

A dog that attends a flea circus most likely will steal the whole show.

If you choke a smurf, what colour does it turn?

He who trains his tongue to quote the learned sages, will be known far and wide as a smart ass.

Latest survey shows that 3 out of 4 people make up 75% of the world’s population.

Somewhere on this globe, every ten seconds, is a woman giving birth to a child. She must be found and stopped.

I don’t have a solution but I admire the problem.

Anywhere is walking distance, if you’ve got the time.

Every morning is the dawn of a new error.

Those who can laugh without cause have either found the true meaning of happiness or have gone stark raving mad.

Compromise: the art of dividing a cake so that everybody believes he or she got the biggest piece.

I’d give my right arm to be ambidextrous.

You have to stay in shape. My grandmother, she started walking five miles a day when she was 60. She’s 97 today and we don’t know where the hell she is.

Laughing stock: cattle with a sense of humour.

Applying computer technology is simply finding the right wrench to pound in the correct screw.

I don’t believe in astrology. I am a Sagittarius and we’re very skeptical. ~ Arthur C. Clarke

Any task worth doing was worth doing yesterday.

“If carrots are so good for the eyes, how come I see so many dead rabbits on the highway?”

I hate women because they always know where things are.

You can always spot a well-informed man – his views are the same as yours.

A baby sitter is a teenager acting like an adult while the adults are out acting like teenagers.

The surprising thing about young fools is how many survive to become old fools.

I took a speed reading course and read ‘War and Peace’ in twenty minutes. It involves Russia. Enough women for four.

Anything’s possible... apart from skiing through a revolving door.

You’re not drunk if you can lie on the floor without holding on.

How can you come out of a closet if you never went in there in the first place?

Brilliant, but with the social skills of a thermonuclear device.

Impotence: Nature’s Way Of Saying “No Hard Feelings”.

This girl said she recognized me from the vegetarian club, but I’d never met herbivore

Some people say that I must be a horrible person, but that’s not true. I have the heart of a young boy – in a jar on my desk.

A soldier who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran.

A study in the Washington Post says that women have better verbal skills than men. I just want to say to the authors of that study: “Duh.”— Conan O’Brien

What if there were no hypothetical questions?

If it weren’t for electricity we’d all be watching television by candlelight?

System Error - Windows Loaded

We waste time, so you don’t have to.

Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don’t.

I don’t suffer from stress. I’m a carrier.

Better to remain silent and be thought a fool, than to speak and remove all doubt.

“I have left orders to be awakened at any time in case of national emergency – even if I’m in a Cabinet meeting.” – Ronald Reagan

I heard a man say that brigands demand your money or your life, whereas women require both.

The man who fell into an upholstery machine is fully recovered.

Stupidity is not a handicap. Park elsewhere!

Don’t take life too seriously—you’ll never get out of it alive.

Don’t look back. Something may be gaining on you.

Doctor, Doctor I keep getting pains in the eye when I drink coffee. Have you tried taking the spoon out?

One good thing about repeating your mistakes is that you know when to cringe.

Whenever there is any doubt, there is no doubt.

Mind like a steel trap – rusty and illegal in most states.

Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.

If a woman has to choose between catching a fly ball and saving an infant’s life, she will choose to save the infant’s life without even considering if there is a man on base.—Dave Barry

He does the work of three men: Larry, Moe and Curly.

If you don’t know why I’m mad at you, then I’m certainly not going to tell you

One of the greatest labour-saving inventions today is tomorrow.

Despite the cost of living it’s still very popular.

Originality is the fine art of remembering what you hear, but forgetting where you heard it.

If everything is coming your way, you are probably in the wrong lane.

I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.

If at first you do succeed, try to hide your astonishment.

Democracy is a government where you can say what you think even if you don’t think.

If you’re born again, do you have two bellybuttons?

Humour. It is a difficult concept. It is not logical.

Birthdays are good for you. Statistics show that the people who have the most live the longest.

“There are two major products that come out of Berkeley: LSD and UNIX. We don’t believe this to be a coincidence.” — Jeremy S. Anderson

I fear my inferiority complex is not as good as yours.

All those who believe in psycho kinesis raise my hand.

“How come we choose from just two people to run for president and 50 for Miss America?”

My husband and I divorced over religious differences... He thought he was God and I didn’t.

I thought I made a mistake once, but I was wrong.

No problem is so big and complicated that it can’t be ran away from.

Half our life is spent trying to find something to do with the time we have rushed through life trying to save.

Make three correct guesses consecutively and you will establish yourself as an expert.

I used to think I was indecisive, but now I’m not sure.

I spilled spot remover on my dog. Now he’s gone.

What’s the definition of a will? (It’s a dead giveaway).

Always remember you’re unique, just like everyone else.

Why is the third hand on the watch called a second hand?

The trouble with our times is that the future is not what it used to be.

Democracy is the recurrent suspicion that more than half of the people are right more than half of the time.

“If builders built buildings the way programmers write programs, then the first woodpecker that came along would destroy civilization” — Weinberg’s Second Law.

I haven’t spoken to my wife for 18 months: I don’t like to interrupt her.

When in doubt, mumble.

I’m an idealist: I don’t know where I’m going, but I’m on my way.

We’ve made great medical progress in the last generation. What used to be merely an itch is now an allergy.

I used to find him boring until I stopped listening.

I got a job at a bakery because I kneaded dough.

Sheep don’t fly so much as plummet.

A bargain is something you don’t need at a price you can’t resist.

I think, therefore I am single.

I have noticed that the people who are late are often so much jollier that the people who have to wait for them.

Why do we wash bath towels, aren’t we clean when we use them?

We spend the first twelve months of our children’s lives teaching them to walk and talk and the next twelve telling them to sit down and shut up.

Promises are like babies: fun to make, but hell to deliver.

Character is what you are in the dark.

When you get a bladder infection, urine trouble.

Being single is like a vacuum. It sucks when you are turned on.

Computers make it easy to do a lot of things, but most of the things that make it easier to do don’t need to be done.

“I think there is a world market for maybe five computers.” — Thomas Watson, chairman of IBM, 1943.

Bacteria: the only culture some people have.

“Your mouse has moved. Windows must be restarted for the change to take effect. Reboot now ? [OK]”

“I would like to live in Manchester, England. The transition between Manchester and death would be unnoticeable”. — Mark Twain

All men are equal. Some are just more equal than others.

Pardon my driving, I am reloading.

Eat a live toad first thing in the morning, and nothing worse can happen to you the rest of the day.

I’d explain it to you, but your brain would explode.

Is there life before death?

“Inconceivable!” “I do not think that word means what you think it means.”

Accept that some days you’re the pigeon, and some days you’re the statue.

Advertisement for donkey rides in Thailand: Would you like to ride on your own ass?

Procrastinate Now!

I couldn’t repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.

Support bacteria – they’re the only culture some people have.

Half of being smart is knowing what you are dumb at.

PMS jokes aren’t funny. Period.

What Has Four Legs And An Arm? A Happy Pit Bull.

We Quit Voting Will They All Go Away?

I think animal testing is a terrible idea; they get all nervous and give the wrong answers.

What does a clock do when it’s hungry? It goes back four seconds.

Life is complex: it has real and imaginary parts.

I can resist everything except temptation.

A great many people think they are thinking when they are merely rearranging their prejudices.

Solitude is fine, but you need someone to tell you that solitude is fine.

When you do not know what you are doing, do it neatly.

Confidence is the feeling you have before you understand the situation.

It’s hard to face the problem, when the problem is your face.

Cleverly Disguised As A Responsible Adult.

“When in doubt tell the truth.”—Mark Twain

Instead of getting married again, I’m going to find a woman I don’t like and just give her a house.—Rod Stewart

Man who run in front of car get tired.

In a Norwegian cocktail lounge: Ladies are requested not to have children in the bar.

In a Rome laundry: Ladies, leave your clothes here and spend the afternoon having a good time.

The chance of a piece of bread falling with the buttered side down is directly proportional to the cost of the carpet.

If you’re not wasted, the day is.

“Banking establishments are more dangerous than standing armies”. — Thomas Jefferson

The amount of work to be done increases in proportion to the amount of work already completed. — VAIL’S SECOND AXIOM

I often quote myself; it adds spice to my conversation.

Warning: Dates in Calendar are closer than they appear.

The day I can’t do my job drunk is the day I turn in my badge and gun.

The light at the end of the tunnel has been turned off due to budget cuts.

I hope that after I die, people will say of me: “That guy sure owed me a lot of money.”

If the world should blow itself up, the last audible voice would be that of an expert saying it can’t be done.

If you can’t beat your computer at chess, try kickboxing.

Don’t stop to stomp on ants when the elephants are stampeding.

I tried sniffing Coke once, but the ice cubes got stuck in my nose.

Where do you find an Irish woodworm? Dead inside a brick.

Am I getting smart with you? How would you know?

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