Amusing Quotes & One-Liners — Ned Martin’s Amused

Amusing Quotes & One-Liners

Laughing stock: cattle with a sense of humour.

“On two occasions I have been asked [by members of Parliament!]: ‘Pray, Mr. Babbage, if you put into the machine wrong figures, will the right answers come out ?’ I am not able rightly to apprehend the kind of confusion of ideas that could provoke such a question.” — Charles Babbage.

The dictionary is the only place where success comes before work.

“Reading computer manuals without the hardware is as frustrating as reading sex manuals without the software.” — Arthur C. Clarke.

Get even – live long enough to be a problem to your kids.

Just because you’re not paranoid doesn’t mean they’re not out to get you.

Any task worth doing was worth doing yesterday.

I know a guy who is addicted to brake fluid. He says he can stop anytime.

Marriage changes passion... suddenly you’re in bed with a relative.

Man who drive like hell bound to get there.

If you want a committed man, look in a mental hospital.

Those who can laugh without cause have either found the true meaning of happiness or have gone stark raving mad.

Life... I don’t get it...

There are two kinds of people, those who finish what they start, and so on.

Moderation in all things, including moderation.

My favorite mythical creature? The honest politician.

e=mc^2 where m = the number of cooks required to spoil the broth

I hope that after I die, people will say of me: “That guy sure owed me a lot of money.”

Lead us not into temptation. Just tell us where it is; we’ll find it.

Genius is 1% inspiration, and 99% perspiration.

If you don’t know why I’m mad at you, then I’m certainly not going to tell you

Everybody is ignorant, only on different subjects.

Never put off until tomorrow what you can avoid altogether.

A bachelor is a man who comes to work from a different direction each morning.

I don’t meet competition. I crush it

I think, therefore I am single.

I’d give my right arm to be ambidextrous.

The most powerful force in the universe is gossip.

I envy people who drink – at least they know what to blame everything on.

When I was young, I could remember anything. Whether it happened or not.

I had some words with my wife, and she had some paragraphs with me.

A conscience does not prevent sin. It only prevents you from enjoying it.

If At First You Don’t Succeed... Blame Someone Else And Seek Counseling.

I spilled spot remover on my dog. Now he’s gone.

A soldier who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran.

If you can’t beat your computer at chess, try kickboxing.

Accept that some days you’re the pigeon, and some days you’re the statue.

Is there life before death?

Anything that can become tangled around something else, will.

“You start coding. I’ll go find out what they want.” — Computer analyst to programmer

Experience is simply the name we give our mistakes.

One of the greatest labour-saving inventions today is tomorrow.

How do you sink an Irish Submarine? Knock on the hatch.

I like to start my periods with sentences.

Latest survey shows that 3 out of 4 people make up 75% of the world’s population.

Keyboard not detected. Press F1 to continue

Tell me what you need, and I’ll tell you how to get along without it.

Go the extra mile. It makes your boss look like an incompetent slacker.

Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.

I wished the buck stopped here, as I could use a few.

Eschew obfuscation.

On the plus side, death is one of the few things that can be done just as easily as lying down.

This mind intentionally left blank

I used to find him boring until I stopped listening.

They say if you play a Microsoft CD backwards you hear satanic messages. That’s nothing, if you play it forwards it installs Windows.

We are going on a field trip to the Coca-Cola factory. I hope there are no pop quizzes.

If you’re not wasted, the day is.

So Many Pedestrians – So Little Time.

Age is an issue of mind over matter. If you don’t mind, it doesn’t matter.

“#define QUESTION ((bb) || !(bb))” — Shakespeare

Quantum: Noun, word used to sound like I know what I’m talking about while discussing physics I’ve never actually studied.

There are three ways to get something done: do it yourself, hire someone, or forbid your kids to do it.

Marriage is a three-ring circus: engagement ring, wedding ring, and suffering.

Some pain is physical, and some is mental, but one that’s both is dental.

The human brain is a wonderful thing. It starts working the moment you are born, and never stops until you stand up to speak in public.

Half of the people in the world are below average.

If the world should blow itself up, the last audible voice would be that of an expert saying it can’t be done.

Caution – Driver Legally Blonde!

Youth is a wonderful thing. What a crime to waste it on children.

The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.

System Error - Windows Loaded

They say you only use ten percent of your brain. What about the other ten?

Time is God’s way of keeping everything from happening at once.

I started out with nothing, and I still have most of it.

Ninety-nine per cent of the people in the world are fools and the rest of us are in great danger of contagion.

If life was fair, Elvis would be alive and all the impersonators would be dead.

If I’d known I was going to live this long, I’d have taken better care of myself.

Comedy is tragedy plus time.

What’s another word for Thesaurus?

Some people say that I must be a horrible person, but that’s not true. I have the heart of a young boy – in a jar on my desk.

“You have to be careful about being too careful” – Beryl Pfizer

“He has been given a large brain by mistake, since for him the spinal cord would fully suffice.” — Albert Einstein

England has no kidney bank, but it does have a Liverpool.

Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.

PMS jokes aren’t funny. Period.

The dumber people think you are, the more surprised they’re going to be when you kill them—Rodney Dangerfield

Half of being smart is knowing what you are dumb at.

The world is full of willing people; some willing to work, the rest willing to let them.

For Sale: Parachute. Only used once, never opened, small stain.

When he first ran for office, he appealed to the voters: “I never stole anything in my life. All I ask is a chance.”

Never go to a doctor whose office plants have died.

I have great faith in fools; my friends call it self-confidence.

Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

Arguing on the Internet is like competing in the Special Olympics – even if you win, you are still retarded.

Climbers aim for the summit because it is there. Bungi jumpers dive off the top because they aren’t all there.

Next time you wave, use all your fingers.

Bacteria: the only culture some people have.

After all is said and done, more is said than done.

Not all men are annoying. Some are dead.

TEAMWORK... means never having to take all the blame yourself.

“I’ve noticed that everyone who is for abortion has already been born.” – Ronald Reagan

When a clock is hungry, it goes back four seconds.

Time flies like an arrow – fruit flies like a banana.

To find out a girl’s faults, praise her to her girl friends.

Any ship can be a minesweeper... once.

The difference between a stepping-stone and a stumbling block can be when you see it.

I married my wife for her looks... but not the ones she’s been giving me lately!

Get a new car for your spouse – it’ll be a great trade!

Bachelors know more about women than married men; if they didn’t they’d be married too.

He who smiles in a crisis has found someone to blame.

If people concentrated on the really important things in life, there’d be a shortage of fishing poles.

Pardon my driving, I am reloading.

It is a fitting irony that under Richard Nixon, ‘launder’ became a dirty word.

I can resist everything except temptation.

Raising teenagers is like trying to nail Jell-O to a tree.

In the beginning, God created earth and rested. Then God created man and rested. Then God created woman. Since then, neither God nor man has rested.

Remember half the people you know are below average.

I Refuse To Have A Battle Of Wits With An Unarmed Person.

If puns were outlawed, only outlaws would have puns.

Mines are equal opportunity weapons.

One martini is all right, two is too many, and three is not enough.

Chaos, panic, & disorder – my work here is done.

There are two types of people in this world, good and bad. The good sleep better, but the bad seem to enjoy the waking hours much more.

Santa’s helpers are subordinate clauses.

“I could tell that my parents hated me. My bath toys were a toaster and a radio” — Rodney Dangerfield

The things that come to those that wait may be the things left by those who got there first.

He’s not dead, he’s electroencephalographically challenged.

“You can always count on Americans to do the right thing—after they’ve tried everything else” – Winston Churchill

Outside of a dog, a book is probably man’s best friend, and inside of a dog, it’s too dark to read.

Lord, if you won’t make me skinny, please make all my friends fat.

If we aren’t supposed to eat animals, why are they made of meat?

Needing someone is like needing a parachute. If he isn’t there the first time you need him, chances are you won’t be needing him again.

If you don’t pay your exorcist you get repossessed.

You look like a million dollars. All green and wrinkled.

I have noticed that the people who are late are often so much jollier that the people who have to wait for them.

Men’s faults are many, women have only two. Everything they say, and everything they do.

A procrastinator’s work is never done.

If someone with multiple personalities threatens suicide... is it considered a hostage situation?

For people who like peace and quiet – a phoneless cord.

Always try to be modest and be proud of it!

Bacteria: the only culture some people have.

Does your train of thought have a caboose?

It is not what a teenager knows that bothers his parents. It is how he found out.

I installed a skylight in my apartment. The people who live above me are furious.

The sooner you fall behind the more time you’ll have to catch up.

The secret of success is sincerity. Once you can fake that you’ve got it made.

In a Copenhagen airline ticket office: We take your bags and send them in all directions.

I’m quite easy to get along with, once you learn to beckon at my every call and yield to all my desires.

Just remember... if the world didn’t suck, we’d all fall off.

We must believe in free will, we have no choice.

The shortest distance between two points is under construction.

If a President doesn’t do it to his wife, he’ll do it to his country.

Money is flat and meant to be piled up. – Scottish Proverb

“Auntie Em: hate you, hate Kansas, taking the dog.” – Dorothy

I took a speed reading course and read ‘War and Peace’ in twenty minutes. It involves Russia. Enough women for four.

Life is far too important to be taken seriously.

I’m an idealist: I don’t know where I’m going, but I’m on my way.

If con is the opposite of pro, congress is the opposite of progress.

I hate women because they always know where things are.

One good thing about repeating your mistakes is that you know when to cringe.

Two signs from a Majorcan shop entrance: English well speaking / Here speeching American.

I’m out of my mind, but feel free to leave a message.

“I worked in a pet shop and people kept asking how big I’d get” — Rodney Dangerfield

Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy.

Vote for the man who promises least; he’ll be the least disappointing.

This Would Be Really Funny If It Weren’t Happening To Me.

Constipated People Don’t Give A Crap.

In this world, nothing is certain but death and taxes. – Benjamin Franklin

A dog that attends a flea circus most likely will steal the whole show.

There are two kinds of people, those who finish what they start, and so on.

If automobiles had followed the same development cycle as the computer, a Rolls Royce would today cost $100, get a million miles per gallon, and explode once a year, killing everyone inside.

Somewhere on this globe, every ten seconds, is a woman giving birth to a child. She must be found and stopped.

If you can’t convince them, confuse them.

All those who believe in psycho kinesis raise my hand.

The chance of a piece of bread falling with the buttered side down is directly proportional to the cost of the carpet.

Am I getting smart with you? How would you know?

The doctor can bury his mistakes but an architect can only advise his client to plant vines.

Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.

People don’t grow up; they just learn how to act in public.

People can be divided into three groups: Those who make things happen, those who watch things happen, and those who wonder what happened.

Anything not nailed down is mine. Anything I can pry loose is not nailed down.

I’m not dumb; I just have a command of thoroughly useless information.

Nobody can be exactly like me. Even I have trouble doing it.

As long as there are tests, there will be prayer in public schools.

Solitude is fine, but you need someone to tell you that solitude is fine.

IRS: We’ve got what it takes to take what you’ve got.

“Are you going to come quietly, or do I have to use earplugs?”—Vale Spike Milligan

It’s not that I’m afraid to die; I just don’t want to be there when it happens.

Humour. It is a difficult concept. It is not logical.

I am free of all prejudices. I hate everyone equally.

A study in the Washington Post says that women have better verbal skills than men. I just want to say to the authors of that study: “Duh.”— Conan O’Brien

Roses are red, Violets are blue. In Soviet Russia, Poems write you.

What if there were no hypothetical questions?

He who trains his tongue to quote the learned sages, will be known far and wide as a smart ass.

To define recursion, we must first define recursion.

Is Disney World the only people trap operated by a mouse?

A bargain is something you don’t need at a price you can’t resist.

An egotist has one point in his favour – he doesn’t go round talking about other people.

Someone sent me a postcard picture of the earth. On the back it said, “Wish you were here.”

If you want your spouse to listen and pay strict attention to every word you say, talk in your sleep.

I intend to live forever – so far, so good.

I don’t necessarily agree with everything I say.

I think that’s how Chicago got started. A bunch of people in New York said, “Gee, I’m enjoying the crime and the poverty, but it just isn’t cold enough. Let’s go west.”—Richard Jeni

Half our life is spent trying to find something to do with the time we have rushed through life trying to save.

A pessimist is a man who has been compelled to live with an optimist

Perhaps you’re diagonally parked in a parallel universe?

I don’t believe in astrology. I am a Sagittarius and we’re very skeptical. ~ Arthur C. Clarke

Remember, half the people you know are below average.

Living is not worth dying for.

Experience is something you do not get until just after you need it.

Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian any more than going to the garage makes you a car.

Despite the cost of living it’s still very popular.

I am amazed at radio DJ’s today. I am firmly convinced that AM on my radio stands for Absolute Moron. I will not begin to tell you what FM stands for.

A day without sun shine is like, you know, night.

The art of flying is to throw yourself at the ground and miss.

If you try and don’t succeed, cheat. Repeat until caught. Then lie.

Quantum mechanics: The dreams stuff is made of.

Whenever people agree with me, I always feel I must be wrong.

At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be “What is hell?” Come early and listen to our choir practice.

I dropped out of communism class because of lousy Marx.

Years ago fairy tales began with “Once upon a time...” Now it’s “If I am elected...”

My one regret in life is that I am not someone else.

“When you starve with a tiger, the tiger starves last”. — Griffin’s Thought

To succeed in politics, it is often necessary to rise above your principles.

Energizer Bunny arrested: Charged with battery.

“Everyday I beat my own previous record for number of consecutive days I’ve stayed alive.”

The man who fell into an upholstery machine is fully recovered.

“I have left orders to be awakened at any time in case of national emergency – even if I’m in a Cabinet meeting.” – Ronald Reagan

We spend the first twelve months of our children’s lives teaching them to walk and talk and the next twelve telling them to sit down and shut up.

A baby sitter is a teenager acting like an adult while the adults are out acting like teenagers.

Anything not nailed down is a cat toy.

Legend: a lie that has attained the dignity of age.

The short fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.

I wonder how much deeper would the ocean be without sponges.

Time sneaks up on you like a windshield on a bug.

You’ll never get to heaven if you’re scared of getting high.

A printer consists of three main parts: the case, the jammed paper tray and the blinking red light

Someday we’ll look back on all this and plow into the back of a parked car.

I married Miss Right. I just didn’t know her first name was Always.

Who is General Failure and why is he reading my hard disk?

Doctor, Doctor I keep getting pains in the eye when I drink coffee. Have you tried taking the spoon out?

Early to rise, early to bed, makes a man healthy but socially dead.

Everybody has a photographic memory. Some don’t have film.

Time is a great teacher, but unfortunately it kills all its pupils.

Everything you like is bad for you in some way.

The truth is a precious commodity. That’s why I use it so sparingly.

I’m an apathetic sociopath – I’d kill you if I cared.

Remember the teakettle; though up to its neck in hot water, it continues to sing.

Plagiarism saves time.

“I have never let my schooling interfere with my education.”—Mark Twain

Borrow money from pessimists- they don’t expect to get it back.

Acupuncture is a jab well done.

I tried to photograph the fog, but I mist.

People who think they know everything are annoying to those of us who do.

Proofread carefully to see if you any words out.

Character is what you are in the dark.

Knowledge is the key, but where is the damn lock?

Some people are alive only because it’s illegal to kill them.

A backwards poet writes inverse.

Make sure your mind isn’t so open that your brains fall out.

Marathon runners with bad footwear suffer the agony of defeat.

Broken pencils are pointless.

I often quote myself; it adds spice to my conversation.

In a Budapest zoo: Please do not feed the animals. If you have any suitable food, give it to the guard on duty.

God must love stupid people, he made so many.

A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat.

It has recently been discovered that research causes cancer in rats.

Youth would be an ideal state if it came a little later in life.

Birthdays are good for you. Statistics show that the people who have the most live the longest.

I guess traffic in the city is improving a little. Yesterday, I drove clear across town and only had to shave twice.

This girl said she recognized me from the vegetarian club, but I’d never met herbivore

I’m reading a book about anti-gravity. I can’t put it down.

Before marriage, a man yearns for the woman he loves. After marriage, the ‘Y’ becomes silent.

“The object of war is not to die for your country but to make the other bastard die for his.” – General George Patton

I like kids, but I don’t think I could eat a whole one.

Everyone hates me because I’m paranoid.

A guy got arrested for playing the guitar. He was fingering a minor.

How do I set a laser printer to stun?

It’s easy to quit smoking... I’ve done it over 10,000 times.

Jokes about German sausage are the wurst.

Shin: a device for finding furniture in the dark.

If a job is worth doing well get someone else to do it.

We waste time, so you don’t have to.

Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.

Never put both feet in your mouth at the same time, because then you don’t have a leg to stand on.

Two strings walk into a bar. The first string says to the bartender, “Bartender, I’ll have a beer. u.5n$x5t?*&4ru!2[sACCErJ”. The second string says, “Pardon my friend, he isn’t NULL terminated”.

If quizzes are quizzical, what are tests?

Best way to get a man to do something, is to suggest they are too old for it.

“Every mighty oak was once just a nut who stood his ground.”

When I’m not in my right mind, my left mind gets pretty crowded

There are 3 kinds of people: those who can count and those who can’t.

Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

How do you get an Irishman to burn his ear? Ring him up while he is ironing.

Being single is like a vacuum. It sucks when you are turned on.

If you don’t know where you are going, you will wind up somewhere else.

I’ve been trying for some time to develop a life style that doesn’t require my presence.

Sometimes I think the surest sign that intelligent life exists elsewhere in the universe is that none of it has tried to contact us.

“They say hard work never hurt anybody, but I figure why take the chance.” – Ronald Reagan

Well if this is the wrong number, why did you answer it?

I love cats – they taste just like chicken.

Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?

Eagles may soar, but weasels don’t get sucked into jet engines.


Some people are going to leave a mark on this world, while others will leave a stain.

If at first you don’t succeed, skydiving is not your sport.

I don’t enjoy computer jokes; not one bit.

Some people are alive only because it’s illegal to kill them.

Of course, we are all worms—but I like to think, at least, that I am a glow-worm. – Winston Churchill

That which cannot be taken apart will fall apart.

If you don’t learn to laugh at troubles, you won’t have anything to laugh at when you grow old.

Murphy’s Golden Rule: Whoever has the gold makes the rules.

Fundamentalism: Believe in a kind, loving God or we’ll kill you!

The earthquake in Washington obviously was the government’s fault.

If the French were really intelligent, they’d speak English.

I got a job at a bakery because I kneaded dough.

I want to die peacefully in my sleep like my grandfather, not screaming in abject horror like his passengers.

A bird does not sing because it has an answer—it sings because it has a song.

Mind like a steel trap – rusty and illegal in most states.

If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?

As the light changed from red to green to yellow and back to red again, I sat there thinking about life. Was it nothing more than a bunch of honking and yelling? Sometimes it seemed that way.

Money is better than poverty, if only for financial reasons.

Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?

Before you give a colleague a piece of your mind, be sure you can spare it.

111,111,111 x 111,111,111 = 12,345,678,987,654,321

Last night I lay in bed looking up at the stars in the sky and I thought to myself, “Where the heck is the ceiling?”

Man who eat many prunes get good run for money.

I like children. Properly cooked.

Age is a question of mind over matter. If you don’t mind, it don’t matter.

Madness takes its toll. Please have exact change.

I have the body of a GOD – Buddha.

You’re such an inspiration for the way I’ll never choose to be.

Don’t stop to stomp on ants when the elephants are stampeding.

A poor excuse is like an old bucket; doesn’t matter what shape it is in, as long as it holds water.

It is a small world, but I wouldn’t like to have to paint it.

If vegetable oil comes from vegetables, where does baby oil come from?

I’d explain it to you, but your brain would explode.

“Einstein argued that there must be simplified explanations of nature, because God is not capricious or arbitrary. No such faith comforts the software engineer.” — Fred Brooks.

How can you come out of a closet if you never went in there in the first place?

Men don’t care what’s on TV. They only care what else is on TV.

Once, during prohibition, I was forced to live for days on nothing but food and water.

Honest criticism is hard to take, particularly from a relative, a friend, an acquaintance, or a stranger.

If we learn by our mistakes, some of us are getting one hell of an education!

The amount of work to be done increases in proportion to the amount of work already completed. — VAIL’S SECOND AXIOM

There are very few personal problems that cannot be solved through a suitable application of high explosives.

Blessed are those who can laugh at themselves, they will never cease to be amused.

Friends may come and go, but enemies accumulate

Age is a very high price to pay for maturity.

Hope sees the invisible, feels the intangible and achieves the impossible.

An army of deer led by a lion is more to be feared than an army of lions led by a deer.

Anger is only one letter away from danger.

To B or not to B? *kills the B* I HATE BEES!!!! – LynxofCP

Computers make it easy to do a lot of things, but most of the things that make it easier to do don’t need to be done.

I laugh in the face of danger, except if I’m involved.

You have the right to your opinions. I just don’t want to hear them.

Men have a much better time of it than women; for one thing, they marry later; for another thing they die earlier.

Bachelors have consciences, married men have wives.

I majored in liberal arts. Will that be for here or to go?

I’d like to see things your way, but I’m looking in another direction.

It is well to remember the entire population of the universe, with one trifling exception, is composed of others.

When you get a bladder infection, urine trouble.

Only a fool is astonished by the foolishness of humankind.

Eagles may soar, but weasels don’t get sucked into jet engines.

History will be kind to me for I intend to write it. – Winston Churchill

I was at a bar nursing a beer. My nipple was getting quite soggy.

Don’t use a big word where a diminutive one will suffice.

Cluster bombing from B-52s is very, very accurate – the bombs always hit the ground.

Democracy is a process by which people are free to choose the man who will get the blame.

As a final incentive before giving up a difficult task, try to imagine it successfully accomplished by someone you violently dislike.

Women like silent men. They think they’re listening.

A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a train stops. On my desk I have a workstation...

A clean tie attracts the soup of the day.

Abel Tasman on discovering Tasmania, “Too far south for spices and too close to the rim of the earth to be inhabited by anything but freaks and monsters”

Cleverly Disguised As A Responsible Adult.

Five out of four people have trouble with fractions.

I used to be a Kleptomaniac, But now I’m taking something for it

“This report, by its very length, defends itself against the risk of being read”. — Winston Churchill

“Oh dear,” said God, “I hadn’t thought of that,” and promptly vanished in a puff of logic.

“Managing senior programmers is like herding cats” — Dave Platt.

It is wiser to find out than to suppose.—Mark Twain

You can’t have everything. Where would you put it?

Technology is a way of organizing the universe so that man doesn’t have to experience it.

A great many people think they are thinking when they are merely rearranging their prejudices.

When angry count four, when very angry, swear.

Sheep don’t fly so much as plummet.

Cheerfulness is contagious, but don’t wait to catch it from others. Be a carrier.

Sometimes I wake up grumpy; other times I let her sleep

When in trouble, fear or doubt, run in circles, scream and shout.

Jack and Jill did it for the insurance.

Heck is where people go who don’t believe in gosh.

What hair color do they put on the driver’s licenses of bald men?

If all you have is a hammer, everything looks like a nail.

Red Tape Holds Up New Bridge!

Maybe I’m lucky to be going so slowly, because I may be going in the wrong direction.

On the keyboard of life, always keep one finger on the escape key.

If trees could scream, would we be so cavalier about cutting them down? We might, if they screamed all the time, for no good reason.

Tips for Vegetarians: Hit a chicken enough times and it turns into a vegetable.

A penny saved is a Congressional spending oversight.

“A girl phoned me the other day and said... Come on over, there’s nobody home. I went over. Nobody was home” — Rodney Dangerfield

The fellow who thinks he knows it all is especially annoying to those of us who do.

I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.

Why is the man that invests your money called a broker?

Time’s fun when you’re having flies... Kermit the Frog

A diplomatic husband said to his wife, how do you expect me to remember your birthday when you never look any older?

If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?

Laugh and the world laughs with you; snore and you sleep alone.

One good turn gets most of the blankets.

“I believe in equality for everyone, except reporters and photographers”. — Gandhi

Everything is possible; just not too probable.

Partying... oops No Only Parting... sorry

My mind not only wanders, sometimes it leaves completely.

If I were someone who knew something, who could I tell that would believe me?

I thought I made a mistake once, but I was wrong.

“I’ve been on a calendar but I have never been on time” – Marilyn Monroe

Age always corresponds inversely to the size of your multivitamin.

My husband and I divorced over religious differences... He thought he was God and I didn’t.

Cole’s Law: Thinly sliced cabbage.

Where you stand depends on where you sit.

Venison for dinner again? Oh deer!

Never argue with an idiot. They drag you down to their level then beat you with experience.

Under capitalism, man exploits man. Under Communism, it’s just the opposite.

All men are equal. Some are just more equal than others.

Velcro — what a rip off!

Applying computer technology is simply finding the right wrench to pound in the correct screw.

In a Rome laundry: Ladies, leave your clothes here and spend the afternoon having a good time.

I spent most of my money on booze, drugs and women... The rest I wasted!

To err is human – and to blame it on a computer is even more so.

Why don’t you ever see the headline “Psychic Wins Lottery”?

Hard work never killed anybody but why take the chance?

I love work; it fascinates me; I can sit and watch it for hours.

Work: It isn’t just for sleeping anymore.

Never buy a car you can’t push.

What sane person could live in this world and not be crazy?

A dyslexic man walks into a bra.

My life has a superb cast but I can’t figure out the plot.

“Reader, suppose you were an idiot. And suppose you were a member of Congress. But I repeat myself”. — Mark Twain

I can please only one person per day. Today is not your day. Tomorrow isn’t looking good either.

Blessed are the young, for they shall inherit the national debt.

If I were two-faced, would I be wearing this one?

Anyone can admit they were wrong; the true test is admitting it to someone else.

I had amnesia once or twice.

You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.

The sooner you fall behind the more time you’ll have to catch up.

If you’re not confused, you’re not paying attention.

Smoking cures weight problems...eventually...

The scientific theory I like best is that the rings of Saturn are composed entirely of lost airline luggage.

You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say will be misquoted then used against you.

I think animal testing is a terrible idea; they get all nervous and give the wrong answers.

Why were the Indians here first? They had reservations.

From the moment I picked your book up until I laid it down I was convulsed with laughter. Some day I intend reading it.

In democracy it’s your vote that counts. In feudalism it’s your count that votes.

It’s hard to face the problem, when the problem is your face.

Democracy is a government where you can say what you think even if you don’t think.

If a woman has to choose between catching a fly ball and saving an infant’s life, she will choose to save the infant’s life without even considering if there is a man on base.—Dave Barry

When in doubt, mumble.

“Heavier-than-air flying machines are impossible.” — Lord Kelvin, president, Royal Society, 1895.

I used to think I was indecisive, but now I’m not sure.

Hypochondria is the only disease I haven’t got.

“My wife made me join a bridge club. I jump off next Tuesday” — Rodney Dangerfield

“Your mouse has moved. Windows must be restarted for the change to take effect. Reboot now ? [OK]”

Did you hear about the cross-eyed teacher who lost her job because she couldn’t control her pupils?

All my life, I always wanted to be somebody. Now I see that I should have been more specific.

Ours is a world where people don’t know what they want and are willing to go through hell to get it.

I wondered why the baseball was getting bigger. Then it hit me.

I generally avoid temptation unless I can’t resist it.

If you’re born again, do you have two bellybuttons?

It’s not hard to meet expenses, they’re everywhere.

Advertisement for donkey rides in Thailand: Would you like to ride on your own ass?

Slow is when someone laps you in the hundred-yard dash

Oh, don’t fuss. I just cut myself. It’s no big deal,” REALLY MEANS, “I have actually severed a limb, but will bleed to death before I admit I’m hurt.”

The only reason some people get lost in thought is because it’s unfamiliar territory.

If it’s 0 degrees today and it’s going to be twice as cold tomorrow... how cold will it be?

Save the whales. Collect the whole set.

I don’t suffer from stress. I’m a carrier.

I get enough exercise just pushing my luck.

I’m desperately trying to figure out why kamikaze pilots wore helmets.

“My computer NEVER loc

I’m not afraid of heights, only widths.

It is not my interest to pay the principal, nor my principal to pay the interest.

When you do not know what you are doing, do it neatly.

If at first you don’t succeed, try, try again. Then quit. There’s no use being a damned fool about it.

Even crime wouldn’t pay if the government ran it.

Love is blind, but marriage is a real eye-opener.

If you do not make dust, you eat dust.

Originality is the fine art of remembering what you hear, but forgetting where you heard it.

It’s strange, isn’t it. You stand in the middle of a library and go aaaaagghhhh’ and everyone just stares at you. But you do the same thing on an aeroplane, and everyone joins in.

I love being married. It’s so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.

Booze is the answer. I don’t remember the question.

Wine divulges truth.

Hemp is a herb. Bush is a dope.

When Chemists die, they barium.

Horn broken. Watch for finger. (on bumper sticker)

My husband says I never listen to him (at least I think that’s what he said)

One day I will get this peer guy and reset his connection.

I have had more trouble with myself than with any other man I’ve met.

My mind works like lightning. One brilliant flash and it is gone.

Don’t use a big word where a diminutive one will suffice.

Smith & Wesson — the original point and click interface.

Success always occurs in private, and failure in full public view.

I plead contemporary insanity.

According to recent study someone is run over by a car every 5 minutes in the city. You’d think the guy would have enough sense to get out of the street.

A committee is a body that keeps minutes and wastes hours.

It is hard enough to remember my opinions, without also remembering my reasons for them!

Stupidity is not a handicap! Park somewhere else!

Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way when you criticize them, you are a mile away from them and you have their shoes.

Instead of getting married again, I’m going to find a woman I don’t like and just give her a house.—Rod Stewart

How do you spot an Irishman at a carwash? He’s the one on the bike.

In the beginning, there was nothing. Then God said, “Let there be light,” and there was still nothing, but you could see it.

Snowmen fall from Heaven unassembled.

Work expands to fill the time available. — PARKINSON’S LAW

Confidence is the feeling you have before you understand the situation.

They told me I had type A blood, but it was a Type O

People with narrow minds usually have broad tongues.

I don’t have a solution but I admire the problem.

If olive oil comes from olives, where does baby oil come from?

“Thinking is the hardest work there is, which is probably why so few engage in it”. — Henry Ford

If it weren’t for electricity we’d all be watching television by candlelight?

Help Wanted: Telepath. You know where to apply.

We Quit Voting Will They All Go Away?

Englishmen never will be slaves: they are free to do whatever the Government and public opinion allow them to do.

“A patriot must always be ready to defend his country against his government”. — Edward Abbey

I am obviously right, and as you disagree with me, then logically you must be wrong.

Progress was all right. Only it went on too long.

If I have to work for an idiot, I might as well work for myself.

When all other means of communication fail, try words.

When life hands you a lemon, make lemonade.

One should forgive one’s enemies, but not before they are hanged.

I did a theatrical performance about puns. It was a play on words.

I don’t approve of political jokes... I’ve seen too many of them get elected.

Consciousness: that annoying time between naps.

“Blink your eyelids periodically to lubricate your eyes.” — Page 16 of the HP “Environmental, Health Safety Handbook for Employees”.

Why is it that to stop Windows, you have to click on “Start”?

Statistics are like bikinis – What they reveal is suggestive, but what they conceal is vital.

Conscience is the inner voice warning us that someone may be looking.

My reality check just bounced.

I take everything I can for my kleptomania.

Bigamy is having one wife too many. Monogamy is the same. – Oscar Wilde

Whenever there is any doubt, there is no doubt.

Why does Sea World have a seafood restaurant? I’m halfway through my fish burger and I realize, Oh my gosh... I could be eating a slow learner.

A drop of ink may make a million think.

Errors have been made. Others will be blamed.

A hangover is the wrath of grapes.

Brain: an apparatus with which we think we think.

How do you know if a fish is Irish? It has drowned.

“Things are more like they are now than they ever were before.” – Former U.S. President Dwight D. Eisenhower

What Has Four Legs And An Arm? A Happy Pit Bull.

Macho Law prohibits me from admitting I’m wrong.

Cab drivers are living proof that practice does not make perfect.

If at first you don’t succeed, try management.

How Many Roads Must A Man Travel Down Before He Admits He Is Lost?

What does a clock do when it’s hungry? It goes back four seconds.

Democracy is the recurrent suspicion that more than half of the people are right more than half of the time.

Well, if I called the wrong number, why did you answer the phone?

The trouble with the rat race is that even if you win, you’re still a rat.

I have spent my whole life looking for the perfect woman, and now I’ve found her. Too bad she’s looking for the perfect man.

Take my advice, I don’t use it anyway.

Men occasionally stumble over the truth, but most of them pick themselves up and hurry off as if nothing had happened. – Winston Churchill

99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.

How did Moses make his tea? Hebrews it.

It is said that if you line up all the cars in the world end to end, someone would be stupid enough to try and pass them.

If Bill Gates had a nickel for every time Windows crashed... oh wait, he does.

“When in doubt tell the truth.”—Mark Twain

Good judgement comes from experience. Experience comes from bad judgement.

You have to stay in shape. My grandmother, she started walking five miles a day when she was 60. She’s 97 today and we don’t know where the hell she is.

Politicians are people who, when they see the light at the end of the tunnel, go out and buy more tunnel.

Without question, the greatest invention in the history of mankind is beer. Oh, I grant you that the wheel was also a fine invention, but the wheel does not go nearly as well with pizza.

I love deadlines. I especially like the whooshing sound they make as they go flying by.

“As a matter of fact” is an expression that precedes many an expression that isn’t.

“If carrots are so good for the eyes, how come I see so many dead rabbits on the highway?”

“This ‘telephone’ has too many shortcomings to be seriously considered as a means of communication.” — Western Union internal memo, 1876.

Being a philosopher, I have a problem for every solution.

Cheer up, the worst is yet to come.

Laugh at your problems; everybody else does.

Warning: Dates in Calendar are closer than they appear.

“I am not worried about the deficit. It is big enough to take care of itself.” – Ronald Reagan

The number of people watching you is directly proportional to the stupidity of your action.

Authority makes some people grow – and others just swell.

Confidence is the feeling you have before you understand the situation

Hang in there; retirement is only thirty years away.

There’s a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot.

I don’t suffer from stress. I’m a carrier.

The trouble with our times is that the future is not what it used to be.

On the other hand you have different fingers.

By the time a man realises that his father was right, he has a son who thinks he’s wrong.

We’ve made great medical progress in the last generation. What used to be merely an itch is now an allergy.

I have gone to look for myself, if I should return before I get back, keep me here.

It’s important to be open-minded, but not SO open-minded that your brains fall out.

The illegal we do immediately. The unconstitutional takes a little longer. – Henry Kissinger

Every time I look at you I get a fierce desire to be lonesome.

“There is no reason anyone would want a computer in their home.” — Ken Olson, founder of Digital Equipment Corp., 1977.

Always do sober what you said you’d do drunk. That will teach you to keep your mouth shut.

Seeing a murder on television...will help work off one’s antagonisms. And if you haven’t any antagonisms, the commercials will give you some.

Why is it called tourist season if we can’t shoot at them?

He’s so lazy. I’ve seen him step into a revolving door and wait.

The more time you spend in reporting on what you are doing, the less time you have to do it in. Stability is achieved when you spend all your time doing nothing but reporting on the nothing you are doing.

If you can’t convince them, confuse them.

If at first you don’t succeed, destroy all the evidence that you tried.

I didn’t like my beard at first. Then it grew on me.

Killed - Personality Incompatibility

You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They left a little note on the windscreen, it said ‘Parking Fine.’

Honk if you love peace and quiet.

“Then he ran into my knife. He ran into my knife ten times.” – Chicago

Illiterate? Write For Help.

Compromise: the art of dividing a cake so that everybody believes he or she got the biggest piece.

Honesty is the best policy, but insanity is a better defence.

In a Norwegian cocktail lounge: Ladies are requested not to have children in the bar.

Everybody lies, but it doesn’t matter since nobody listens.

What’s the definition of a will? (It’s a dead giveaway).

I majored in liberal arts. Will that be for here or to go?

Promises are like babies: fun to make, but hell to deliver.

If we don’t succeed, we run the risk of failure.

Artificial Intelligence is no match for Natural Stupidity.

Restarting System - Mouse Moved

I either want less corruption, or more chance to participate in it.

Marriage is not a word; it is a sentence.

Man who run behind car get exhausted.

Men are from earth. Women are from earth. Deal with it.

The light at the end of the tunnel has been turned off due to budget cuts.

Seen it all, done it all, can’t remember most of it.

Nick Overruled - Democratic Majority Decision

Don’t be irreplaceable; if you cannot be replaced, you cannot be promoted.

You’re not drunk if you can lie on the floor without holding on.

It is hard to understand how a cemetery raised its burial charges and blamed it on the cost of living.

“Always be sincere, even when you don’t mean it”. — Irene Peter

The most precious thing we have is life. Yet it has absolutely no trade-in value.

Support bacteria – they’re the only culture some people have.

A conclusion is simply the place where you got tired of thinking.

Where do you find an Irish woodworm? Dead inside a brick.

Ever stop to think and forget to start again?

Allow me to introduce my selves.

Money can’t buy happiness, but it sure makes misery easier to live with.

Sheep don’t fly so much as plummet.

I live in my own little world, but it’s ok they know me here.

Anywhere is walking distance, if you’ve got the time.

Mental Floss prevents Moral Decay.

Shin: a device for finding furniture in the dark.

Gossip: The art of saying nothing while leaving nothing unsaid.

“Hey, I’ve got reasons for what I’m doing,” REALLY MEANS, “I sure hope I think of some pretty soon.”

If it’s true that we are here to help others, then what exactly are the others here for?

My parents stayed together for forty years, but that was out of spite.

“Always in motion the future is. Seasick it makes me. That’s why so green I am”. – Yoda

“The best thing about the future is that it comes only one day at a time.” – Abraham Lincoln

An Apple a day keeps the doctor away. But... an onion a day keeps everyone away.

Lots of people know a good thing the minute the other fellow sees it first.

“I would like to live in Manchester, England. The transition between Manchester and death would be unnoticeable”. — Mark Twain

Anything’s possible... apart from skiing through a revolving door.

Early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.

Plato is dead, Einstein is dead, and I’m not feeling too good myself...

No sense being pessimistic, it probably wouldn’t work anyway.

Never underestimate the power of very stupid people in large groups.

My girlfriend told me I should be more affectionate. So I got two more girlfriends.

If you choke a smurf, what colour does it turn?

What do you call a dinosaur with an extensive vocabulary? A thesaurus.

Everybody is somebody else’s weirdo.

I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.

If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?

How do you keep an Irishman busy? Write P.T.O on both sides of a piece of paper.

“I think there is a world market for maybe five computers.” — Thomas Watson, chairman of IBM, 1943.

If you can stay calm, while all around you is chaos... then you probably haven’t completely understood the situation.

The trouble with life is there’s no background music.

If money talks, it ain’t on speakin’ terms with me.

“I wish everyone was peaceful. Then I could take over the planet with a butter knife”—Dogbert

Everyone needs belief in something. I believe I’ll have another beer.

In elementary school, in case of fire, you have to line up quietly in a single file line from smallest to tallest. What is the logic? Do tall people burn slower?

I always wanted to be somebody, but I should have been more specific.

Streakers beware: Your end is in sight.

A team effort is a lot of people doing what I say

Don’t look back. Something may be gaining on you.

Chipped dishes never break.

“People who drink light beer don’t like the taste of beer; they just like to pee a lot” — Rodney Dangerfield

Isn’t having a smoking section in a restaurant like having a peeing section in a swimming pool?

Every morning is the dawn of a new error.

Procrastinate Now!

If sex is such a natural phenomenon, how come there are so many books on how to do it.

What do you call a dinosaur with an extensive vocabulary? A thesaurus.

System Error - Windows Loaded

Tip the world over on its side and everything loose will land in Los Angeles.

Does this smell like chloroform to you?

“How come we choose from just two people to run for president and 50 for Miss America?”

This guy walks into a bar and the barman says “Ouch, that must have hurt”

Stupidity is not a handicap. Park elsewhere!

If you can’t be kind, at least have the decency to be vague.

Don’t marry for money. You can borrow it cheaper.

He who laughs last thinks slowest.

The trouble with jogging is that, by the time you realise you’re not in shape for it, it’s far too far to walk back.

I always wanted to be a procrastinator, never got around to it though.

All the toilets in New York’s police stations have been stolen. The police have nothing to go on.

Be nice to your kids. They’ll choose your nursing home.

The only difference between Genius and Insanity... is success.

Connection Reset - Insufficient Electrons

It’s just a job. Grass grows, birds fly, waves pound the sand. I just beat people up. – Muhammad Ali

Why is it that doctors call what they do “practice”?

There are only three kinds of people; people who can count and people who can’t.

I thought I wanted a career, turns out I just wanted paychecks.

“Few things are harder to put up with than a good example.”—Mark Twain

AIBOHPHOBIA – the fear of palindromes.

If everything is coming your way, you are probably in the wrong lane.

We have two ends. One for sitting and one for thinking. Our success depends on which one we use most.

Man shoots neighbour with machete [The Miami Herald, July 3]

I Haven’t Lost My Mind, It’s Backed Up On Disk Somewhere.

Having more money doesn’t make you happier. I have 50 million dollars but I’m just as happy as when I had 48 million. ~ Arnold Schwarzenegger.

Outside a Hong Kong tailor shop: Ladies may have a fit upstairs.

The day I can’t do my job drunk is the day I turn in my badge and gun.

There are 10 types of people in the world: Those who understand binary, and those who don’t.

If you can’t dazzle them with brilliance... just baffle them with bullsh*t.

In the office of a Roman doctor: Specialist in women and other diseases.

“The web is a dominatrix. Every where I turn, I see little buttons ordering me to Submit.” — Nytwind.

I am a nobody, nobody is perfect, therefore I’m perfect.

Better to remain silent and be thought a fool, than to speak and remove all doubt.

If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?

“I’d rather have a bottle in front of me, than a frontal lobotomy”. — Tom Waits

Doctor, Doctor You’ve got to help me – I just can’t stop my hands shaking. Do you drink a lot? Not really – I spill most of it!

Sex on television can’t hurt you unless you fall off.

Be careful when reading health books; you may die of a misprint.

I used to be a banker, but then I lost interest.

There’s a difference between being open-minded and having a hole in your head

A cartoonist was found dead in his home. Details are sketchy.

Love is like an hourglass, with the heart filling up as the brain empties.

It’s not true that married men live longer than single men. It only seems longer.

Brilliant, but with the social skills of a thermonuclear device.

I used to think I was indecisive, but now I’m not sure.

You can say any foolish thing to a dog, and the dog will give you a look that says, “My God, you’re right! I never would’ve thought of that!”

Anyone who told you to be yourself couldn’t have given you worse advice.

Why do we wash bath towels, aren’t we clean when we use them?

Man does not live by words alone, despite the fact that sometimes he has to eat them.

There is no such thing as an underestimate of average intelligence

Modesty is a virtue of fools.

I heard a man say that brigands demand your money or your life, whereas women require both.

I changed my iPod’s name to Titanic. It’s syncing now.

It is even harder for the average ape to believe that he has descended from man.

A synonym is a word you use when you can’t spell the word you first thought of.

If the human brain were so simple that we could understand it, we would be so simple we couldn’t.

If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?

“C++ : Where friends have access to your private members.” — Gavin Russell Baker.

In a Tokyo shop: Our nylons cost more than common, but you’ll find they are best in the long run.

On a tombstone: I TOLD YOU I WAS SICK

Always remember you’re unique, just like everyone else.

I used to be apathetic, but now I don’t give a damn.

Haunted French pancakes give me the crêpes.

If a man opens a car door for a woman, either the car is new or the woman.

When I was a boy I was told that anybody could become president; I’m beginning to believe it.

Most vegetarians look so much like the food they eat that they can be classified as cannibals.

I don’t like people who take drugs... Customs Officers for example.

Life is complex: it has real and imaginary parts.

The only perfect science is hindsight.

Remember... Marriage is the number one cause of divorce. Statistically, 100% of all divorces started with marriage.

Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7th of your life.

Foolproof systems don’t take into account the ingenuity of fools.

Being in the army is like being in the Boy Scouts, except that the Boy Scouts have adult supervision.

Connection Reset By Aboriginal With Wire Cutters

I stayed up all night to see where the sun went. Then it dawned on me.

Be thankful for problems. If they were less difficult, someone with less ability might have your job.

Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying of nothing.

I’m in no shape to exercise.

I’ve always wanted to be normal, but lately I’ve come to suspect that this is it.

When you are arguing with an idiot, make sure the other person isn’t doing the same thing.

The early bird gets the worm, but the early worm gets eaten.

I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol.

The surprising thing about young fools is how many survive to become old fools.

“Inconceivable!” “I do not think that word means what you think it means.”

Show me a piano falling down a mineshaft and I’ll show you A-flat minor.

Succeed in spite of management. Aim Low; Reach Your Goals, Avoid Disappointment.

Insanity is hereditary; you can get it from your children.

I don’t want to achieve immortality through my work. I want to achieve immortality through not dying.

Even paranoids have real enemies.

I fear my inferiority complex is not as good as yours.

My schoolmates would make love to anything that moved, but I never saw any reason to limit myself.

An egotist is a person of low taste—more interested in himself than in me.

You can always spot a well-informed man – his views are the same as yours.

I’m not into working out. My philosophy: No pain, no pain.

Make three correct guesses consecutively and you will establish yourself as an expert.

I have a simple philosophy. Fill what’s empty. Empty what’s full. Scratch where it itches.

I haven’t spoken to my wife for 18 months: I don’t like to interrupt her.

Don’t Be Sexist – Broads Hate That.

He does the work of three men: Larry, Moe and Curly.

“You, you and you: panic. The rest of you, come with me.”

If you think nobody cares if you’re alive, try missing a couple of car payments.

I stayed up all night to see where the sun went. Then it dawned on me.

Man who run in front of car get tired.

Optimists believe we live on the greatest world. Pessimists believe this is true.

“If builders built buildings the way programmers write programs, then the first woodpecker that came along would destroy civilization” — Weinberg’s Second Law.

“Banking establishments are more dangerous than standing armies”. — Thomas Jefferson

If it weren’t for the last minute, nothing would ever get done.

I arise in the morning torn between a desire to improve the world and a desire to enjoy the world. This makes it hard to plan the day.

Where there’s a will, I want to be in it.

It’s bad luck to be superstitious.

No problem is so big and complicated that it can’t be ran away from.

I couldn’t repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.

Military intelligence is a contradiction in terms.

It doesn’t matter what temperature the room is; it’s always room temperature.

Don’t talk unless you can improve the silence.

There’s a fine line between genius and insanity. I have erased this line.

If you don’t know where you are going, you might wind up someplace else.

Why is the third hand on the watch called a second hand?

Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don’t.

“If women didn’t exist, all the money in the world would have no meaning.” – Aristotle Onassis

When your IQ reaches 80 –– sell.

The best computer is a man, and it’s the only one that can be mass-produced by unskilled labour.

He often broke into song because he couldn’t find the key.

“The generation of random numbers is too important to be left to chance.” — Robert R. Coveyou, Oak Ridge National Laboratory.

The beatings will continue until morale improves.

A person who smiles in the face of adversity... probably has a scapegoat.

Don’t take life too seriously—you’ll never get out of it alive.

“There are only two things that are infinite: the universe and human stupidity. And I’m not sure about the universe.” A. Einstein

I’m sorry; you cannot have an outlook on life because it isn’t responding. Microsoft apologises for any inconvenience.

Impotence: Nature’s Way Of Saying “No Hard Feelings”.

Whenever I feel like exercise, I lie down until the feeling passes.

“War does not determine who is right - only who is left.” – Bertrand Russell

Well, this day was a total waste of makeup.

When you come to a fork in the road, take it.

I used up all my sick days, so I’m calling in dead.

“There are two major products that come out of Berkeley: LSD and UNIX. We don’t believe this to be a coincidence.” — Jeremy S. Anderson

What happens if you get scared half to death twice?

“How can a president not be an actor?” – when asked “How could an actor become president?” – Ronald Reagan

It used to be only death and taxes were inevitable. Now, of course, there’s shipping and handling, too.

Leftists are among the first to speak of their rights.

“Life is a waste of time, time is a waste of life, so get wasted all of the time and have the time of your life”. — Tom Waits

I have kleptomania, but when it gets bad, I take something for it. ~ Robert Benchle

If ever I get married again it would have to be under an anaesthetic.

Jokes about German sausage are the wurst.

A bird in the hand is safer than one overhead.

At the age of six I wanted to be a cook. At seven I wanted to be Napoleon. And my ambition has been growing steadily ever since.

I don’t have an attitude problem. You have a perception problem.

I was the next door kid’s imaginary friend.

Programmer – A red-eyed, mumbling mammal capable of conversing with inanimate objects.

This comment is printed on 100% recycled electrons.

I took an IQ test and the results were negative.

If at first you do succeed, try to hide your astonishment.

Everybody is ignorant, only on different subjects.

Be kind to your dentist. He has fillings, too.

Nothing means nothing, but it isn’t really nothing because nothing is something that isn’t.

I work hard because millions on welfare depend on me.

I am not a vegetarian because I love animals; I am a vegetarian because I hate plants.

Just because your head is the biggest doesn’t mean it contains the right ideas.

Prediction is extremely difficult. Especially about the future.

Plan to be spontaneous tomorrow.

The second day of a diet is alway easier than the first. By the second day, you’re off it.

Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?

I tried sniffing Coke once, but the ice cubes got stuck in my nose.

Eat a live toad first thing in the morning, and nothing worse can happen to you the rest of the day.

Alcohol: the cause of, and solution to, all of life’s problems.

Pick your friends but not to pieces.

An Irish man was driving to the airport when he saw a sign saying ‘Airport – Left’... So he went home.

There is nothing so annoying as to have two people go right on talking when you’re interrupting.

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