Amusing Quotes & One-Liners — Ned Martin’s Amused

Amusing Quotes & One-Liners

“Every mighty oak was once just a nut who stood his ground.”

Anger is only one letter away from danger.

Why is it that to stop Windows, you have to click on “Start”?

If a woman has to choose between catching a fly ball and saving an infant’s life, she will choose to save the infant’s life without even considering if there is a man on base.—Dave Barry

The doctor can bury his mistakes but an architect can only advise his client to plant vines.

Who is General Failure and why is he reading my hard disk?

“Then he ran into my knife. He ran into my knife ten times.” – Chicago

Experience is something you do not get until just after you need it.

Love is blind, but marriage is a real eye-opener.

It’s strange, isn’t it. You stand in the middle of a library and go aaaaagghhhh’ and everyone just stares at you. But you do the same thing on an aeroplane, and everyone joins in.

If the French were really intelligent, they’d speak English.

The surprising thing about young fools is how many survive to become old fools.

If you don’t pay your exorcist you get repossessed.

To find out a girl’s faults, praise her to her girl friends.

“You can always count on Americans to do the right thing—after they’ve tried everything else” – Winston Churchill

Help Wanted: Telepath. You know where to apply.

Not all men are annoying. Some are dead.

I am a nobody, nobody is perfect, therefore I’m perfect.

I’ve been trying for some time to develop a life style that doesn’t require my presence.

If you’re born again, do you have two bellybuttons?

You look like a million dollars. All green and wrinkled.

Is Disney World the only people trap operated by a mouse?

Stupidity is not a handicap! Park somewhere else!

“Thinking is the hardest work there is, which is probably why so few engage in it”. — Henry Ford

Why is it called tourist season if we can’t shoot at them?

The day I can’t do my job drunk is the day I turn in my badge and gun.

Connection Reset By Aboriginal With Wire Cutters

When Chemists die, they barium.

99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.

Laugh at your problems; everybody else does.

That which cannot be taken apart will fall apart.

How did Moses make his tea? Hebrews it.

If we aren’t supposed to eat animals, why are they made of meat?

Computers make it easy to do a lot of things, but most of the things that make it easier to do don’t need to be done.

I am not a vegetarian because I love animals; I am a vegetarian because I hate plants.

The trouble with our times is that the future is not what it used to be.

I love being married. It’s so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.

I like kids, but I don’t think I could eat a whole one.

If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?

When in trouble, fear or doubt, run in circles, scream and shout.

Doctor, Doctor I keep getting pains in the eye when I drink coffee. Have you tried taking the spoon out?

Chaos, panic, & disorder – my work here is done.

We Quit Voting Will They All Go Away?

“Things are more like they are now than they ever were before.” – Former U.S. President Dwight D. Eisenhower

It is not my interest to pay the principal, nor my principal to pay the interest.

My life has a superb cast but I can’t figure out the plot.

“I am not worried about the deficit. It is big enough to take care of itself.” – Ronald Reagan

The early bird gets the worm, but the early worm gets eaten.

To succeed in politics, it is often necessary to rise above your principles.

Restarting System - Mouse Moved

Honk if you love peace and quiet.

I took a speed reading course and read ‘War and Peace’ in twenty minutes. It involves Russia. Enough women for four.

Lots of people know a good thing the minute the other fellow sees it first.

Every time I look at you I get a fierce desire to be lonesome.

Marriage is a three-ring circus: engagement ring, wedding ring, and suffering.

If you’re not confused, you’re not paying attention.

Venison for dinner again? Oh deer!

You’re not drunk if you can lie on the floor without holding on.

A synonym is a word you use when you can’t spell the word you first thought of.

A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat.

Cab drivers are living proof that practice does not make perfect.

Progress was all right. Only it went on too long.

Marriage is not a word; it is a sentence.

An army of deer led by a lion is more to be feared than an army of lions led by a deer.

“The best thing about the future is that it comes only one day at a time.” – Abraham Lincoln

We’ve made great medical progress in the last generation. What used to be merely an itch is now an allergy.

Sheep don’t fly so much as plummet.

What do you call a dinosaur with an extensive vocabulary? A thesaurus.

“They say hard work never hurt anybody, but I figure why take the chance.” – Ronald Reagan

Cheer up, the worst is yet to come.

If At First You Don’t Succeed... Blame Someone Else And Seek Counseling.

A diplomatic husband said to his wife, how do you expect me to remember your birthday when you never look any older?

There is nothing so annoying as to have two people go right on talking when you’re interrupting.

I have great faith in fools; my friends call it self-confidence.

Everybody is ignorant, only on different subjects.

Brilliant, but with the social skills of a thermonuclear device.

Work: It isn’t just for sleeping anymore.

Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way when you criticize them, you are a mile away from them and you have their shoes.

Even paranoids have real enemies.

Always do sober what you said you’d do drunk. That will teach you to keep your mouth shut.

The number of people watching you is directly proportional to the stupidity of your action.

“Hey, I’ve got reasons for what I’m doing,” REALLY MEANS, “I sure hope I think of some pretty soon.”

On a tombstone: I TOLD YOU I WAS SICK

If at first you don’t succeed, skydiving is not your sport.

Man does not live by words alone, despite the fact that sometimes he has to eat them.

“I think there is a world market for maybe five computers.” — Thomas Watson, chairman of IBM, 1943.

If you do not make dust, you eat dust.

No sense being pessimistic, it probably wouldn’t work anyway.

I like children. Properly cooked.

Somewhere on this globe, every ten seconds, is a woman giving birth to a child. She must be found and stopped.

“Reading computer manuals without the hardware is as frustrating as reading sex manuals without the software.” — Arthur C. Clarke.

Eagles may soar, but weasels don’t get sucked into jet engines.

Anything not nailed down is mine. Anything I can pry loose is not nailed down.

From the moment I picked your book up until I laid it down I was convulsed with laughter. Some day I intend reading it.

Don’t take life too seriously—you’ll never get out of it alive.

Success always occurs in private, and failure in full public view.

If you can stay calm, while all around you is chaos... then you probably haven’t completely understood the situation.

Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.

I married my wife for her looks... but not the ones she’s been giving me lately!

You can say any foolish thing to a dog, and the dog will give you a look that says, “My God, you’re right! I never would’ve thought of that!”

We spend the first twelve months of our children’s lives teaching them to walk and talk and the next twelve telling them to sit down and shut up.

Mental Floss prevents Moral Decay.

Artificial Intelligence is no match for Natural Stupidity.

Applying computer technology is simply finding the right wrench to pound in the correct screw.

“Banking establishments are more dangerous than standing armies”. — Thomas Jefferson

We must believe in free will, we have no choice.

In the office of a Roman doctor: Specialist in women and other diseases.

We waste time, so you don’t have to.

Hemp is a herb. Bush is a dope.

Horn broken. Watch for finger. (on bumper sticker)

It is well to remember the entire population of the universe, with one trifling exception, is composed of others.

Programmer – A red-eyed, mumbling mammal capable of conversing with inanimate objects.

A day without sun shine is like, you know, night.

Procrastinate Now!

There are two types of people in this world, good and bad. The good sleep better, but the bad seem to enjoy the waking hours much more.

In a Norwegian cocktail lounge: Ladies are requested not to have children in the bar.

Mines are equal opportunity weapons.

Broken pencils are pointless.

Snowmen fall from Heaven unassembled.

Politicians are people who, when they see the light at the end of the tunnel, go out and buy more tunnel.

Never buy a car you can’t push.

There are two kinds of people, those who finish what they start, and so on.

If ever I get married again it would have to be under an anaesthetic.

Anything that can become tangled around something else, will.

If it weren’t for the last minute, nothing would ever get done.

Youth would be an ideal state if it came a little later in life.

I hate women because they always know where things are.

Man shoots neighbour with machete [The Miami Herald, July 3]

Nick Overruled - Democratic Majority Decision

“The generation of random numbers is too important to be left to chance.” — Robert R. Coveyou, Oak Ridge National Laboratory.

My parents stayed together for forty years, but that was out of spite.

Honest criticism is hard to take, particularly from a relative, a friend, an acquaintance, or a stranger.

Moderation in all things, including moderation.

I’d give my right arm to be ambidextrous.

I plead contemporary insanity.

Accept that some days you’re the pigeon, and some days you’re the statue.

Instead of getting married again, I’m going to find a woman I don’t like and just give her a house.—Rod Stewart

“I’ve been on a calendar but I have never been on time” – Marilyn Monroe

I think animal testing is a terrible idea; they get all nervous and give the wrong answers.

Bacteria: the only culture some people have.

“Inconceivable!” “I do not think that word means what you think it means.”

Age is a question of mind over matter. If you don’t mind, it don’t matter.

I think, therefore I am single.

“How can a president not be an actor?” – when asked “How could an actor become president?” – Ronald Reagan

My mind works like lightning. One brilliant flash and it is gone.

A hangover is the wrath of grapes.

“Blink your eyelids periodically to lubricate your eyes.” — Page 16 of the HP “Environmental, Health Safety Handbook for Employees”.

When I was young, I could remember anything. Whether it happened or not.

All those who believe in psycho kinesis raise my hand.

Don’t look back. Something may be gaining on you.

Never underestimate the power of very stupid people in large groups.

Once, during prohibition, I was forced to live for days on nothing but food and water.

According to recent study someone is run over by a car every 5 minutes in the city. You’d think the guy would have enough sense to get out of the street.

Plato is dead, Einstein is dead, and I’m not feeling too good myself...

An Irish man was driving to the airport when he saw a sign saying ‘Airport – Left’... So he went home.

Doctor, Doctor You’ve got to help me – I just can’t stop my hands shaking. Do you drink a lot? Not really – I spill most of it!

If a job is worth doing well get someone else to do it.

People can be divided into three groups: Those who make things happen, those who watch things happen, and those who wonder what happened.

Only a fool is astonished by the foolishness of humankind.

I have had more trouble with myself than with any other man I’ve met.

Men’s faults are many, women have only two. Everything they say, and everything they do.

I don’t meet competition. I crush it

Remember half the people you know are below average.

The world is full of willing people; some willing to work, the rest willing to let them.

“Managing senior programmers is like herding cats” — Dave Platt.

Comedy is tragedy plus time.

Borrow money from pessimists- they don’t expect to get it back.

This girl said she recognized me from the vegetarian club, but I’d never met herbivore

Perhaps you’re diagonally parked in a parallel universe?

Does your train of thought have a caboose?

I’m not afraid of heights, only widths.

Heck is where people go who don’t believe in gosh.

There are 3 kinds of people: those who can count and those who can’t.

I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.

In a Budapest zoo: Please do not feed the animals. If you have any suitable food, give it to the guard on duty.

TEAMWORK... means never having to take all the blame yourself.

If it weren’t for electricity we’d all be watching television by candlelight?

If you don’t learn to laugh at troubles, you won’t have anything to laugh at when you grow old.

Prediction is extremely difficult. Especially about the future.

Some people are going to leave a mark on this world, while others will leave a stain.

“Everyday I beat my own previous record for number of consecutive days I’ve stayed alive.”

Of course, we are all worms—but I like to think, at least, that I am a glow-worm. – Winston Churchill

Money is flat and meant to be piled up. – Scottish Proverb

A baby sitter is a teenager acting like an adult while the adults are out acting like teenagers.

Some pain is physical, and some is mental, but one that’s both is dental.

It’s important to be open-minded, but not SO open-minded that your brains fall out.

The trouble with the rat race is that even if you win, you’re still a rat.

It is a small world, but I wouldn’t like to have to paint it.

How do I set a laser printer to stun?

This guy walks into a bar and the barman says “Ouch, that must have hurt”

Two strings walk into a bar. The first string says to the bartender, “Bartender, I’ll have a beer. u.5n$x5t?*&4ru!2[sACCErJ”. The second string says, “Pardon my friend, he isn’t NULL terminated”.

If the world should blow itself up, the last audible voice would be that of an expert saying it can’t be done.

After all is said and done, more is said than done.

“Life is a waste of time, time is a waste of life, so get wasted all of the time and have the time of your life”. — Tom Waits

Despite the cost of living it’s still very popular.

When angry count four, when very angry, swear.

What do you call a dinosaur with an extensive vocabulary? A thesaurus.

Bigamy is having one wife too many. Monogamy is the same. – Oscar Wilde

Sometimes I think the surest sign that intelligent life exists elsewhere in the universe is that none of it has tried to contact us.

I stayed up all night to see where the sun went. Then it dawned on me.

A bachelor is a man who comes to work from a different direction each morning.

“I wish everyone was peaceful. Then I could take over the planet with a butter knife”—Dogbert

The sooner you fall behind the more time you’ll have to catch up.

If automobiles had followed the same development cycle as the computer, a Rolls Royce would today cost $100, get a million miles per gallon, and explode once a year, killing everyone inside.

The truth is a precious commodity. That’s why I use it so sparingly.

“I would like to live in Manchester, England. The transition between Manchester and death would be unnoticeable”. — Mark Twain

I either want less corruption, or more chance to participate in it.

If trees could scream, would we be so cavalier about cutting them down? We might, if they screamed all the time, for no good reason.

If a man opens a car door for a woman, either the car is new or the woman.

When I was a boy I was told that anybody could become president; I’m beginning to believe it.

Blessed are the young, for they shall inherit the national debt.

Originality is the fine art of remembering what you hear, but forgetting where you heard it.

“Your mouse has moved. Windows must be restarted for the change to take effect. Reboot now ? [OK]”

Roses are red, Violets are blue. In Soviet Russia, Poems write you.

“This ‘telephone’ has too many shortcomings to be seriously considered as a means of communication.” — Western Union internal memo, 1876.

Years ago fairy tales began with “Once upon a time...” Now it’s “If I am elected...”

I take everything I can for my kleptomania.

Where there’s a will, I want to be in it.

“Always be sincere, even when you don’t mean it”. — Irene Peter

Be kind to your dentist. He has fillings, too.

So Many Pedestrians – So Little Time.

Macho Law prohibits me from admitting I’m wrong.

My schoolmates would make love to anything that moved, but I never saw any reason to limit myself.

If you can’t convince them, confuse them.

For people who like peace and quiet – a phoneless cord.

If you want your spouse to listen and pay strict attention to every word you say, talk in your sleep.

I’m reading a book about anti-gravity. I can’t put it down.

When life hands you a lemon, make lemonade.

Hope sees the invisible, feels the intangible and achieves the impossible.

I had amnesia once or twice.

Confidence is the feeling you have before you understand the situation

I tried to photograph the fog, but I mist.

We are going on a field trip to the Coca-Cola factory. I hope there are no pop quizzes.

Eat a live toad first thing in the morning, and nothing worse can happen to you the rest of the day.

A guy got arrested for playing the guitar. He was fingering a minor.

Living is not worth dying for.

A drop of ink may make a million think.

If vegetable oil comes from vegetables, where does baby oil come from?

“Einstein argued that there must be simplified explanations of nature, because God is not capricious or arbitrary. No such faith comforts the software engineer.” — Fred Brooks.

Nobody can be exactly like me. Even I have trouble doing it.

If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?

I used to find him boring until I stopped listening.

Man who run in front of car get tired.

Democracy is a government where you can say what you think even if you don’t think.

Any task worth doing was worth doing yesterday.

It’s bad luck to be superstitious.

“The object of war is not to die for your country but to make the other bastard die for his.” – General George Patton

You can’t have everything. Where would you put it?

A dog that attends a flea circus most likely will steal the whole show.

Eagles may soar, but weasels don’t get sucked into jet engines.

Murphy’s Golden Rule: Whoever has the gold makes the rules.

If at first you do succeed, try to hide your astonishment.

Most vegetarians look so much like the food they eat that they can be classified as cannibals.

I have noticed that the people who are late are often so much jollier that the people who have to wait for them.

Cleverly Disguised As A Responsible Adult.

If you think nobody cares if you’re alive, try missing a couple of car payments.

Half of the people in the world are below average.

The only reason some people get lost in thought is because it’s unfamiliar territory.

It’s just a job. Grass grows, birds fly, waves pound the sand. I just beat people up. – Muhammad Ali

Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.

On the plus side, death is one of the few things that can be done just as easily as lying down.

If you can’t be kind, at least have the decency to be vague.

“A patriot must always be ready to defend his country against his government”. — Edward Abbey

Needing someone is like needing a parachute. If he isn’t there the first time you need him, chances are you won’t be needing him again.

It’s hard to face the problem, when the problem is your face.

I had some words with my wife, and she had some paragraphs with me.

I have gone to look for myself, if I should return before I get back, keep me here.

Make three correct guesses consecutively and you will establish yourself as an expert.

Nothing means nothing, but it isn’t really nothing because nothing is something that isn’t.

I like to start my periods with sentences.

I got a job at a bakery because I kneaded dough.

I dropped out of communism class because of lousy Marx.

Be careful when reading health books; you may die of a misprint.

The second day of a diet is alway easier than the first. By the second day, you’re off it.

I installed a skylight in my apartment. The people who live above me are furious.

Age always corresponds inversely to the size of your multivitamin.

Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?

I don’t want to achieve immortality through my work. I want to achieve immortality through not dying.

You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They left a little note on the windscreen, it said ‘Parking Fine.’

Everything you like is bad for you in some way.

“Few things are harder to put up with than a good example.”—Mark Twain

If you don’t know why I’m mad at you, then I’m certainly not going to tell you

Seen it all, done it all, can’t remember most of it.

Those who can laugh without cause have either found the true meaning of happiness or have gone stark raving mad.

Conscience is the inner voice warning us that someone may be looking.

If we learn by our mistakes, some of us are getting one hell of an education!

Life is far too important to be taken seriously.

One of the greatest labour-saving inventions today is tomorrow.

I don’t enjoy computer jokes; not one bit.

Authority makes some people grow – and others just swell.

Solitude is fine, but you need someone to tell you that solitude is fine.

Having more money doesn’t make you happier. I have 50 million dollars but I’m just as happy as when I had 48 million. ~ Arnold Schwarzenegger.

They told me I had type A blood, but it was a Type O

Technology is a way of organizing the universe so that man doesn’t have to experience it.

The secret of success is sincerity. Once you can fake that you’ve got it made.

Laughing stock: cattle with a sense of humour.

Be thankful for problems. If they were less difficult, someone with less ability might have your job.

Remember the teakettle; though up to its neck in hot water, it continues to sing.

Being a philosopher, I have a problem for every solution.

Always try to be modest and be proud of it!

They say if you play a Microsoft CD backwards you hear satanic messages. That’s nothing, if you play it forwards it installs Windows.

Well if this is the wrong number, why did you answer it?

Why do we wash bath towels, aren’t we clean when we use them?

Where you stand depends on where you sit.

A clean tie attracts the soup of the day.

Why is it that doctors call what they do “practice”?

Every morning is the dawn of a new error.

He’s so lazy. I’ve seen him step into a revolving door and wait.

Military intelligence is a contradiction in terms.

It has recently been discovered that research causes cancer in rats.

You have the right to your opinions. I just don’t want to hear them.

Leftists are among the first to speak of their rights.

Everyone needs belief in something. I believe I’ll have another beer.

I don’t necessarily agree with everything I say.

A cartoonist was found dead in his home. Details are sketchy.

I spilled spot remover on my dog. Now he’s gone.

You’re such an inspiration for the way I’ll never choose to be.

He does the work of three men: Larry, Moe and Curly.

Two signs from a Majorcan shop entrance: English well speaking / Here speeching American.

Everybody is somebody else’s weirdo.

To B or not to B? *kills the B* I HATE BEES!!!! – LynxofCP

If at first you don’t succeed, try management.

In a Rome laundry: Ladies, leave your clothes here and spend the afternoon having a good time.

Keyboard not detected. Press F1 to continue

Cheerfulness is contagious, but don’t wait to catch it from others. Be a carrier.

People who think they know everything are annoying to those of us who do.

Cluster bombing from B-52s is very, very accurate – the bombs always hit the ground.

I used to think I was indecisive, but now I’m not sure.

Sheep don’t fly so much as plummet.

There’s a fine line between genius and insanity. I have erased this line.

Being in the army is like being in the Boy Scouts, except that the Boy Scouts have adult supervision.

The trouble with life is there’s no background music.

Quantum mechanics: The dreams stuff is made of.

The most powerful force in the universe is gossip.

Laugh and the world laughs with you; snore and you sleep alone.

Well, if I called the wrong number, why did you answer the phone?

I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol.

Velcro — what a rip off!

I’d like to see things your way, but I’m looking in another direction.

I’d explain it to you, but your brain would explode.

To err is human – and to blame it on a computer is even more so.

Genius is 1% inspiration, and 99% perspiration.

Why were the Indians here first? They had reservations.

What’s the definition of a will? (It’s a dead giveaway).

If you can’t convince them, confuse them.

How do you sink an Irish Submarine? Knock on the hatch.

If money talks, it ain’t on speakin’ terms with me.

“Auntie Em: hate you, hate Kansas, taking the dog.” – Dorothy

IRS: We’ve got what it takes to take what you’ve got.

If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?

Honesty is the best policy, but insanity is a better defence.

How do you spot an Irishman at a carwash? He’s the one on the bike.

Constipated People Don’t Give A Crap.

Before marriage, a man yearns for the woman he loves. After marriage, the ‘Y’ becomes silent.

I can please only one person per day. Today is not your day. Tomorrow isn’t looking good either.

“Reader, suppose you were an idiot. And suppose you were a member of Congress. But I repeat myself”. — Mark Twain

It’s not that I’m afraid to die; I just don’t want to be there when it happens.

A bird in the hand is safer than one overhead.

A pessimist is a man who has been compelled to live with an optimist

My husband says I never listen to him (at least I think that’s what he said)

I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.

“When in doubt tell the truth.”—Mark Twain

When a clock is hungry, it goes back four seconds.

Everybody lies, but it doesn’t matter since nobody listens.

What does a clock do when it’s hungry? It goes back four seconds.

My girlfriend told me I should be more affectionate. So I got two more girlfriends.

Remember, half the people you know are below average.

No problem is so big and complicated that it can’t be ran away from.

When your IQ reaches 80 –– sell.

“C++ : Where friends have access to your private members.” — Gavin Russell Baker.

Time flies like an arrow – fruit flies like a banana.

“You start coding. I’ll go find out what they want.” — Computer analyst to programmer

I haven’t spoken to my wife for 18 months: I don’t like to interrupt her.

If you can’t beat your computer at chess, try kickboxing.

This mind intentionally left blank

The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.

A committee is a body that keeps minutes and wastes hours.

The dumber people think you are, the more surprised they’re going to be when you kill them—Rodney Dangerfield

I’m quite easy to get along with, once you learn to beckon at my every call and yield to all my desires.

Don’t Be Sexist – Broads Hate That.

Bachelors have consciences, married men have wives.

Good judgement comes from experience. Experience comes from bad judgement.

Quantum: Noun, word used to sound like I know what I’m talking about while discussing physics I’ve never actually studied.

Errors have been made. Others will be blamed.

Man who eat many prunes get good run for money.

Where do you find an Irish woodworm? Dead inside a brick.

Life is complex: it has real and imaginary parts.

I thought I made a mistake once, but I was wrong.

An egotist is a person of low taste—more interested in himself than in me.

I couldn’t repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.

The dictionary is the only place where success comes before work.

My favorite mythical creature? The honest politician.

Succeed in spite of management. Aim Low; Reach Your Goals, Avoid Disappointment.

I think that’s how Chicago got started. A bunch of people in New York said, “Gee, I’m enjoying the crime and the poverty, but it just isn’t cold enough. Let’s go west.”—Richard Jeni

A study in the Washington Post says that women have better verbal skills than men. I just want to say to the authors of that study: “Duh.”— Conan O’Brien

Half of being smart is knowing what you are dumb at.

Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.

If I have to work for an idiot, I might as well work for myself.

If you want a committed man, look in a mental hospital.

“My computer NEVER loc

A team effort is a lot of people doing what I say

In the beginning, God created earth and rested. Then God created man and rested. Then God created woman. Since then, neither God nor man has rested.

They say you only use ten percent of your brain. What about the other ten?

Knowledge is the key, but where is the damn lock?

Energizer Bunny arrested: Charged with battery.

Anything’s possible... apart from skiing through a revolving door.

In a Tokyo shop: Our nylons cost more than common, but you’ll find they are best in the long run.

As the light changed from red to green to yellow and back to red again, I sat there thinking about life. Was it nothing more than a bunch of honking and yelling? Sometimes it seemed that way.

Marathon runners with bad footwear suffer the agony of defeat.

It is said that if you line up all the cars in the world end to end, someone would be stupid enough to try and pass them.

Modesty is a virtue of fools.

Chipped dishes never break.

One good thing about repeating your mistakes is that you know when to cringe.

Slow is when someone laps you in the hundred-yard dash

Birthdays are good for you. Statistics show that the people who have the most live the longest.

I married Miss Right. I just didn’t know her first name was Always.

If everything is coming your way, you are probably in the wrong lane.

There is no such thing as an underestimate of average intelligence

I’m desperately trying to figure out why kamikaze pilots wore helmets.

Time is God’s way of keeping everything from happening at once.

My husband and I divorced over religious differences... He thought he was God and I didn’t.

I heard a man say that brigands demand your money or your life, whereas women require both.

I was at a bar nursing a beer. My nipple was getting quite soggy.

I’ve always wanted to be normal, but lately I’ve come to suspect that this is it.

It is wiser to find out than to suppose.—Mark Twain

It’s not true that married men live longer than single men. It only seems longer.

I don’t approve of political jokes... I’ve seen too many of them get elected.

If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?

I used to be a Kleptomaniac, But now I’m taking something for it

If olive oil comes from olives, where does baby oil come from?

Jokes about German sausage are the wurst.

Why is the man that invests your money called a broker?

All my life, I always wanted to be somebody. Now I see that I should have been more specific.

Cole’s Law: Thinly sliced cabbage.

Half our life is spent trying to find something to do with the time we have rushed through life trying to save.

Optimists believe we live on the greatest world. Pessimists believe this is true.

For Sale: Parachute. Only used once, never opened, small stain.

One martini is all right, two is too many, and three is not enough.

Red Tape Holds Up New Bridge!

There are only three kinds of people; people who can count and people who can’t.

I stayed up all night to see where the sun went. Then it dawned on me.

“Oh dear,” said God, “I hadn’t thought of that,” and promptly vanished in a puff of logic.

“There are only two things that are infinite: the universe and human stupidity. And I’m not sure about the universe.” A. Einstein

Whenever people agree with me, I always feel I must be wrong.

People with narrow minds usually have broad tongues.

Anywhere is walking distance, if you’ve got the time.

Support bacteria – they’re the only culture some people have.

Ninety-nine per cent of the people in the world are fools and the rest of us are in great danger of contagion.

Next time you wave, use all your fingers.

The man who fell into an upholstery machine is fully recovered.

Streakers beware: Your end is in sight.

Oh, don’t fuss. I just cut myself. It’s no big deal,” REALLY MEANS, “I have actually severed a limb, but will bleed to death before I admit I’m hurt.”

Smith & Wesson — the original point and click interface.

Anyone can admit they were wrong; the true test is admitting it to someone else.

Tips for Vegetarians: Hit a chicken enough times and it turns into a vegetable.

Some people say that I must be a horrible person, but that’s not true. I have the heart of a young boy – in a jar on my desk.

I don’t have an attitude problem. You have a perception problem.

Just remember... if the world didn’t suck, we’d all fall off.

Humour. It is a difficult concept. It is not logical.

I am obviously right, and as you disagree with me, then logically you must be wrong.

The only difference between Genius and Insanity... is success.

Legend: a lie that has attained the dignity of age.

Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?

This Would Be Really Funny If It Weren’t Happening To Me.

The best computer is a man, and it’s the only one that can be mass-produced by unskilled labour.

Experience is simply the name we give our mistakes.

Killed - Personality Incompatibility

Tip the world over on its side and everything loose will land in Los Angeles.

Five out of four people have trouble with fractions.

Remember... Marriage is the number one cause of divorce. Statistically, 100% of all divorces started with marriage.

Compromise: the art of dividing a cake so that everybody believes he or she got the biggest piece.

Is there life before death?

God must love stupid people, he made so many.

Someday we’ll look back on all this and plow into the back of a parked car.

Proofread carefully to see if you any words out.

When you come to a fork in the road, take it.

As a final incentive before giving up a difficult task, try to imagine it successfully accomplished by someone you violently dislike.

Ours is a world where people don’t know what they want and are willing to go through hell to get it.

It’s not hard to meet expenses, they’re everywhere.

Pardon my driving, I am reloading.

The scientific theory I like best is that the rings of Saturn are composed entirely of lost airline luggage.

Time is a great teacher, but unfortunately it kills all its pupils.

Lead us not into temptation. Just tell us where it is; we’ll find it.

An Apple a day keeps the doctor away. But... an onion a day keeps everyone away.

I’m an idealist: I don’t know where I’m going, but I’m on my way.

You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.

Hard work never killed anybody but why take the chance?

“Always in motion the future is. Seasick it makes me. That’s why so green I am”. – Yoda

I’m sorry; you cannot have an outlook on life because it isn’t responding. Microsoft apologises for any inconvenience.

Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7th of your life.

Make sure your mind isn’t so open that your brains fall out.

What sane person could live in this world and not be crazy?

My mind not only wanders, sometimes it leaves completely.

Time sneaks up on you like a windshield on a bug.

e=mc^2 where m = the number of cooks required to spoil the broth

Confidence is the feeling you have before you understand the situation.

The art of flying is to throw yourself at the ground and miss.

He who trains his tongue to quote the learned sages, will be known far and wide as a smart ass.

Men don’t care what’s on TV. They only care what else is on TV.

System Error - Windows Loaded

If I were two-faced, would I be wearing this one?

I am free of all prejudices. I hate everyone equally.

The fellow who thinks he knows it all is especially annoying to those of us who do.

Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying of nothing.

If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?

Get even – live long enough to be a problem to your kids.

Love is like an hourglass, with the heart filling up as the brain empties.

I used to be apathetic, but now I don’t give a damn.

Some people are alive only because it’s illegal to kill them.

Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

It’s easy to quit smoking... I’ve done it over 10,000 times.

Character is what you are in the dark.

There are two kinds of people, those who finish what they start, and so on.

You’ll never get to heaven if you’re scared of getting high.

Latest survey shows that 3 out of 4 people make up 75% of the world’s population.

I wonder how much deeper would the ocean be without sponges.

I took an IQ test and the results were negative.

The amount of work to be done increases in proportion to the amount of work already completed. — VAIL’S SECOND AXIOM

My one regret in life is that I am not someone else.

Tell me what you need, and I’ll tell you how to get along without it.

Democracy is the recurrent suspicion that more than half of the people are right more than half of the time.

A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a train stops. On my desk I have a workstation...

The short fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.

Lord, if you won’t make me skinny, please make all my friends fat.

Just because you’re not paranoid doesn’t mean they’re not out to get you.

I am amazed at radio DJ’s today. I am firmly convinced that AM on my radio stands for Absolute Moron. I will not begin to tell you what FM stands for.

Mind like a steel trap – rusty and illegal in most states.

Men occasionally stumble over the truth, but most of them pick themselves up and hurry off as if nothing had happened. – Winston Churchill

How do you keep an Irishman busy? Write P.T.O on both sides of a piece of paper.

I didn’t like my beard at first. Then it grew on me.

Don’t be irreplaceable; if you cannot be replaced, you cannot be promoted.

I get enough exercise just pushing my luck.

If it’s 0 degrees today and it’s going to be twice as cold tomorrow... how cold will it be?

Bachelors know more about women than married men; if they didn’t they’d be married too.

I hope that after I die, people will say of me: “That guy sure owed me a lot of money.”

Everybody has a photographic memory. Some don’t have film.

An egotist has one point in his favour – he doesn’t go round talking about other people.

Seeing a murder on television...will help work off one’s antagonisms. And if you haven’t any antagonisms, the commercials will give you some.

I used to be a banker, but then I lost interest.

My reality check just bounced.

The sooner you fall behind the more time you’ll have to catch up.

I love cats – they taste just like chicken.

Friends may come and go, but enemies accumulate

“I could tell that my parents hated me. My bath toys were a toaster and a radio” — Rodney Dangerfield

I was the next door kid’s imaginary friend.

Outside of a dog, a book is probably man’s best friend, and inside of a dog, it’s too dark to read.

“If women didn’t exist, all the money in the world would have no meaning.” – Aristotle Onassis

“People who drink light beer don’t like the taste of beer; they just like to pee a lot” — Rodney Dangerfield

Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian any more than going to the garage makes you a car.

Marriage changes passion... suddenly you’re in bed with a relative.

The difference between a stepping-stone and a stumbling block can be when you see it.

A bargain is something you don’t need at a price you can’t resist.

A backwards poet writes inverse.

I have the body of a GOD – Buddha.

The most precious thing we have is life. Yet it has absolutely no trade-in value.

History will be kind to me for I intend to write it. – Winston Churchill

I always wanted to be a procrastinator, never got around to it though.

It is a fitting irony that under Richard Nixon, ‘launder’ became a dirty word.

Even crime wouldn’t pay if the government ran it.

Without question, the greatest invention in the history of mankind is beer. Oh, I grant you that the wheel was also a fine invention, but the wheel does not go nearly as well with pizza.

Age is an issue of mind over matter. If you don’t mind, it doesn’t matter.

If you choke a smurf, what colour does it turn?

If quizzes are quizzical, what are tests?

Wine divulges truth.

Early to rise, early to bed, makes a man healthy but socially dead.

I did a theatrical performance about puns. It was a play on words.

If at first you don’t succeed, try, try again. Then quit. There’s no use being a damned fool about it.

I don’t suffer from stress. I’m a carrier.

Man who drive like hell bound to get there.

Does this smell like chloroform to you?

The human brain is a wonderful thing. It starts working the moment you are born, and never stops until you stand up to speak in public.

“He has been given a large brain by mistake, since for him the spinal cord would fully suffice.” — Albert Einstein

“Heavier-than-air flying machines are impossible.” — Lord Kelvin, president, Royal Society, 1895.

Abel Tasman on discovering Tasmania, “Too far south for spices and too close to the rim of the earth to be inhabited by anything but freaks and monsters”

Last night I lay in bed looking up at the stars in the sky and I thought to myself, “Where the heck is the ceiling?”

At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be “What is hell?” Come early and listen to our choir practice.

Raising teenagers is like trying to nail Jell-O to a tree.

On the other hand you have different fingers.

I intend to live forever – so far, so good.

Acupuncture is a jab well done.

If the human brain were so simple that we could understand it, we would be so simple we couldn’t.

Promises are like babies: fun to make, but hell to deliver.

If people concentrated on the really important things in life, there’d be a shortage of fishing poles.

Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.

111,111,111 x 111,111,111 = 12,345,678,987,654,321

Hang in there; retirement is only thirty years away.

PMS jokes aren’t funny. Period.

Why don’t you ever see the headline “Psychic Wins Lottery”?

I wondered why the baseball was getting bigger. Then it hit me.

“There is no reason anyone would want a computer in their home.” — Ken Olson, founder of Digital Equipment Corp., 1977.

Everything is possible; just not too probable.

I used up all my sick days, so I’m calling in dead.

If it’s true that we are here to help others, then what exactly are the others here for?

Any ship can be a minesweeper... once.

Why does Sea World have a seafood restaurant? I’m halfway through my fish burger and I realize, Oh my gosh... I could be eating a slow learner.

I’m an apathetic sociopath – I’d kill you if I cared.

Plagiarism saves time.

Men are from earth. Women are from earth. Deal with it.

On the keyboard of life, always keep one finger on the escape key.

Vote for the man who promises least; he’ll be the least disappointing.

The more time you spend in reporting on what you are doing, the less time you have to do it in. Stability is achieved when you spend all your time doing nothing but reporting on the nothing you are doing.

I majored in liberal arts. Will that be for here or to go?

“I worked in a pet shop and people kept asking how big I’d get” — Rodney Dangerfield

It is even harder for the average ape to believe that he has descended from man.

What’s another word for Thesaurus?

A printer consists of three main parts: the case, the jammed paper tray and the blinking red light

I spent most of my money on booze, drugs and women... The rest I wasted!

Work expands to fill the time available. — PARKINSON’S LAW

When you get a bladder infection, urine trouble.

I work hard because millions on welfare depend on me.

“I have never let my schooling interfere with my education.”—Mark Twain

You can always spot a well-informed man – his views are the same as yours.

Some people are alive only because it’s illegal to kill them.

I’m out of my mind, but feel free to leave a message.

Just because your head is the biggest doesn’t mean it contains the right ideas.

Always remember you’re unique, just like everyone else.

There are three ways to get something done: do it yourself, hire someone, or forbid your kids to do it.

Never put off until tomorrow what you can avoid altogether.

“#define QUESTION ((bb) || !(bb))” — Shakespeare

Jokes about German sausage are the wurst.

If life was fair, Elvis would be alive and all the impersonators would be dead.

I often quote myself; it adds spice to my conversation.

I fear my inferiority complex is not as good as yours.

A penny saved is a Congressional spending oversight.

There are very few personal problems that cannot be solved through a suitable application of high explosives.

If you try and don’t succeed, cheat. Repeat until caught. Then lie.

Advertisement for donkey rides in Thailand: Would you like to ride on your own ass?

Sometimes I wake up grumpy; other times I let her sleep

The only perfect science is hindsight.

Man who run behind car get exhausted.

I don’t have a solution but I admire the problem.

The illegal we do immediately. The unconstitutional takes a little longer. – Henry Kissinger

Before you give a colleague a piece of your mind, be sure you can spare it.

If I’d known I was going to live this long, I’d have taken better care of myself.

Isn’t having a smoking section in a restaurant like having a peeing section in a swimming pool?

In elementary school, in case of fire, you have to line up quietly in a single file line from smallest to tallest. What is the logic? Do tall people burn slower?

Jack and Jill did it for the insurance.

Booze is the answer. I don’t remember the question.

Englishmen never will be slaves: they are free to do whatever the Government and public opinion allow them to do.

Women like silent men. They think they’re listening.

I’m not into working out. My philosophy: No pain, no pain.

We have two ends. One for sitting and one for thinking. Our success depends on which one we use most.

Sex on television can’t hurt you unless you fall off.

I have a simple philosophy. Fill what’s empty. Empty what’s full. Scratch where it itches.

Caution – Driver Legally Blonde!

Outside a Hong Kong tailor shop: Ladies may have a fit upstairs.

“I have left orders to be awakened at any time in case of national emergency – even if I’m in a Cabinet meeting.” – Ronald Reagan

I love deadlines. I especially like the whooshing sound they make as they go flying by.

Don’t talk unless you can improve the silence.

Am I getting smart with you? How would you know?

If you’re not wasted, the day is.

A conclusion is simply the place where you got tired of thinking.

Plan to be spontaneous tomorrow.

Best way to get a man to do something, is to suggest they are too old for it.

He’s not dead, he’s electroencephalographically challenged.

I started out with nothing, and I still have most of it.

I’m not dumb; I just have a command of thoroughly useless information.

“When you starve with a tiger, the tiger starves last”. — Griffin’s Thought

I majored in liberal arts. Will that be for here or to go?

I guess traffic in the city is improving a little. Yesterday, I drove clear across town and only had to shave twice.

“As a matter of fact” is an expression that precedes many an expression that isn’t.

Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

Money is better than poverty, if only for financial reasons.

“On two occasions I have been asked [by members of Parliament!]: ‘Pray, Mr. Babbage, if you put into the machine wrong figures, will the right answers come out ?’ I am not able rightly to apprehend the kind of confusion of ideas that could provoke such a question.” — Charles Babbage.

I want to die peacefully in my sleep like my grandfather, not screaming in abject horror like his passengers.

When I’m not in my right mind, my left mind gets pretty crowded

Be nice to your kids. They’ll choose your nursing home.

I know a guy who is addicted to brake fluid. He says he can stop anytime.

In democracy it’s your vote that counts. In feudalism it’s your count that votes.

“How come we choose from just two people to run for president and 50 for Miss America?”

AIBOHPHOBIA – the fear of palindromes.

I wished the buck stopped here, as I could use a few.

As long as there are tests, there will be prayer in public schools.

Early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.

If someone with multiple personalities threatens suicide... is it considered a hostage situation?

If at first you don’t succeed, destroy all the evidence that you tried.

“If carrots are so good for the eyes, how come I see so many dead rabbits on the highway?”

Statistics are like bikinis – What they reveal is suggestive, but what they conceal is vital.

You have to stay in shape. My grandmother, she started walking five miles a day when she was 60. She’s 97 today and we don’t know where the hell she is.

“If builders built buildings the way programmers write programs, then the first woodpecker that came along would destroy civilization” — Weinberg’s Second Law.

Go the extra mile. It makes your boss look like an incompetent slacker.

If a President doesn’t do it to his wife, he’ll do it to his country.

What if there were no hypothetical questions?

If Bill Gates had a nickel for every time Windows crashed... oh wait, he does.

There’s a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot.

Under capitalism, man exploits man. Under Communism, it’s just the opposite.

I tried sniffing Coke once, but the ice cubes got stuck in my nose.

Climbers aim for the summit because it is there. Bungi jumpers dive off the top because they aren’t all there.

It is not what a teenager knows that bothers his parents. It is how he found out.

Foolproof systems don’t take into account the ingenuity of fools.

Why is the third hand on the watch called a second hand?

I envy people who drink – at least they know what to blame everything on.

I thought I wanted a career, turns out I just wanted paychecks.

At the age of six I wanted to be a cook. At seven I wanted to be Napoleon. And my ambition has been growing steadily ever since.

Warning: Dates in Calendar are closer than they appear.

What happens if you get scared half to death twice?

Take my advice, I don’t use it anyway.

I Haven’t Lost My Mind, It’s Backed Up On Disk Somewhere.

Bacteria: the only culture some people have.

How Many Roads Must A Man Travel Down Before He Admits He Is Lost?

There’s a difference between being open-minded and having a hole in your head

All the toilets in New York’s police stations have been stolen. The police have nothing to go on.

What hair color do they put on the driver’s licenses of bald men?

“War does not determine who is right - only who is left.” – Bertrand Russell

The earthquake in Washington obviously was the government’s fault.

“A girl phoned me the other day and said... Come on over, there’s nobody home. I went over. Nobody was home” — Rodney Dangerfield

When all other means of communication fail, try words.

Men have a much better time of it than women; for one thing, they marry later; for another thing they die earlier.

Eschew obfuscation.

Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy.

A conscience does not prevent sin. It only prevents you from enjoying it.

A bird does not sing because it has an answer—it sings because it has a song.

England has no kidney bank, but it does have a Liverpool.

I have kleptomania, but when it gets bad, I take something for it. ~ Robert Benchle

Anything not nailed down is a cat toy.

“You have to be careful about being too careful” – Beryl Pfizer

A procrastinator’s work is never done.

I changed my iPod’s name to Titanic. It’s syncing now.

If all you have is a hammer, everything looks like a nail.

Did you hear about the cross-eyed teacher who lost her job because she couldn’t control her pupils?

Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?

Time’s fun when you’re having flies... Kermit the Frog

The beatings will continue until morale improves.

He often broke into song because he couldn’t find the key.

“I’d rather have a bottle in front of me, than a frontal lobotomy”. — Tom Waits

He who smiles in a crisis has found someone to blame.

Arguing on the Internet is like competing in the Special Olympics – even if you win, you are still retarded.

Stupidity is not a handicap. Park elsewhere!

Don’t stop to stomp on ants when the elephants are stampeding.

If we don’t succeed, we run the risk of failure.

Anyone who told you to be yourself couldn’t have given you worse advice.

It is hard enough to remember my opinions, without also remembering my reasons for them!

Consciousness: that annoying time between naps.

People don’t grow up; they just learn how to act in public.

Whenever I feel like exercise, I lie down until the feeling passes.

A soldier who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran.

I don’t suffer from stress. I’m a carrier.

Someone sent me a postcard picture of the earth. On the back it said, “Wish you were here.”

Blessed are those who can laugh at themselves, they will never cease to be amused.

A dyslexic man walks into a bra.

Hypochondria is the only disease I haven’t got.

There are 10 types of people in the world: Those who understand binary, and those who don’t.

Don’t marry for money. You can borrow it cheaper.

The things that come to those that wait may be the things left by those who got there first.

Shin: a device for finding furniture in the dark.

Better to remain silent and be thought a fool, than to speak and remove all doubt.

Shin: a device for finding furniture in the dark.

What Has Four Legs And An Arm? A Happy Pit Bull.

When you are arguing with an idiot, make sure the other person isn’t doing the same thing.

How can you come out of a closet if you never went in there in the first place?

The chance of a piece of bread falling with the buttered side down is directly proportional to the cost of the carpet.

It used to be only death and taxes were inevitable. Now, of course, there’s shipping and handling, too.

Insanity is hereditary; you can get it from your children.

Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don’t.

If puns were outlawed, only outlaws would have puns.

Youth is a wonderful thing. What a crime to waste it on children.

If I were someone who knew something, who could I tell that would believe me?

When you do not know what you are doing, do it neatly.

Age is a very high price to pay for maturity.

Illiterate? Write For Help.

One good turn gets most of the blankets.

“I believe in equality for everyone, except reporters and photographers”. — Gandhi

Show me a piano falling down a mineshaft and I’ll show you A-flat minor.

I don’t believe in astrology. I am a Sagittarius and we’re very skeptical. ~ Arthur C. Clarke

Never go to a doctor whose office plants have died.

To define recursion, we must first define recursion.

I don’t like people who take drugs... Customs Officers for example.

Ever stop to think and forget to start again?

Brain: an apparatus with which we think we think.

I live in my own little world, but it’s ok they know me here.

When in doubt, mumble.

Alcohol: the cause of, and solution to, all of life’s problems.

One day I will get this peer guy and reset his connection.

Smoking cures weight problems...eventually...

INDECISION is the key to FLEXIBILITY.

Santa’s helpers are subordinate clauses.

How do you get an Irishman to burn his ear? Ring him up while he is ironing.

Connection Reset - Insufficient Electrons

A great many people think they are thinking when they are merely rearranging their prejudices.

You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say will be misquoted then used against you.

A poor excuse is like an old bucket; doesn’t matter what shape it is in, as long as it holds water.

In a Copenhagen airline ticket office: We take your bags and send them in all directions.

The shortest distance between two points is under construction.

I’m in no shape to exercise.

Get a new car for your spouse – it’ll be a great trade!

If you don’t know where you are going, you will wind up somewhere else.

“My wife made me join a bridge club. I jump off next Tuesday” — Rodney Dangerfield

If you don’t know where you are going, you might wind up someplace else.

Don’t use a big word where a diminutive one will suffice.

A person who smiles in the face of adversity... probably has a scapegoat.

Don’t use a big word where a diminutive one will suffice.

All men are equal. Some are just more equal than others.

I laugh in the face of danger, except if I’m involved.

If con is the opposite of pro, congress is the opposite of progress.

How do you know if a fish is Irish? It has drowned.

I generally avoid temptation unless I can’t resist it.

Money can’t buy happiness, but it sure makes misery easier to live with.

In the beginning, there was nothing. Then God said, “Let there be light,” and there was still nothing, but you could see it.

“You, you and you: panic. The rest of you, come with me.”

I have spent my whole life looking for the perfect woman, and now I’ve found her. Too bad she’s looking for the perfect man.

This comment is printed on 100% recycled electrons.

Life... I don’t get it...

The trouble with jogging is that, by the time you realise you’re not in shape for it, it’s far too far to walk back.

When he first ran for office, he appealed to the voters: “I never stole anything in my life. All I ask is a chance.”

Pick your friends but not to pieces.

Gossip: The art of saying nothing while leaving nothing unsaid.

It doesn’t matter what temperature the room is; it’s always room temperature.

Allow me to introduce my selves.

I can resist everything except temptation.

If you can’t dazzle them with brilliance... just baffle them with bullsh*t.

Whenever there is any doubt, there is no doubt.

Partying... oops No Only Parting... sorry

Haunted French pancakes give me the crêpes.

“There are two major products that come out of Berkeley: LSD and UNIX. We don’t believe this to be a coincidence.” — Jeremy S. Anderson

Never put both feet in your mouth at the same time, because then you don’t have a leg to stand on.

In this world, nothing is certain but death and taxes. – Benjamin Franklin

Save the whales. Collect the whole set.

I always wanted to be somebody, but I should have been more specific.

Maybe I’m lucky to be going so slowly, because I may be going in the wrong direction.

I arise in the morning torn between a desire to improve the world and a desire to enjoy the world. This makes it hard to plan the day.

He who laughs last thinks slowest.

It is hard to understand how a cemetery raised its burial charges and blamed it on the cost of living.

One should forgive one’s enemies, but not before they are hanged.

I love work; it fascinates me; I can sit and watch it for hours.

Well, this day was a total waste of makeup.

Fundamentalism: Believe in a kind, loving God or we’ll kill you!

“This report, by its very length, defends itself against the risk of being read”. — Winston Churchill

Impotence: Nature’s Way Of Saying “No Hard Feelings”.

Everyone hates me because I’m paranoid.

Never argue with an idiot. They drag you down to their level then beat you with experience.

“The web is a dominatrix. Every where I turn, I see little buttons ordering me to Submit.” — Nytwind.

“Are you going to come quietly, or do I have to use earplugs?”—Vale Spike Milligan

“I’ve noticed that everyone who is for abortion has already been born.” – Ronald Reagan

Democracy is a process by which people are free to choose the man who will get the blame.

I used to think I was indecisive, but now I’m not sure.

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If sex is such a natural phenomenon, how come there are so many books on how to do it.

By the time a man realises that his father was right, he has a son who thinks he’s wrong.

Madness takes its toll. Please have exact change.

I Refuse To Have A Battle Of Wits With An Unarmed Person.

Everybody is ignorant, only on different subjects.

The light at the end of the tunnel has been turned off due to budget cuts.

Being single is like a vacuum. It sucks when you are turned on.

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