Amusing Quotes & One-Liners

“Your mouse has moved. Windows must be restarted for the change to take effect. Reboot now ? [OK]”

Pick your friends but not to pieces.

“Are you going to come quietly, or do I have to use earplugs?”—Vale Spike Milligan

Am I getting smart with you? How would you know?

Foolproof systems don’t take into account the ingenuity of fools.

Jokes about German sausage are the wurst.

The early bird gets the worm, but the early worm gets eaten.

99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.

To B or not to B? *kills the B* I HATE BEES!!!! – LynxofCP

Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.

Everything you like is bad for you in some way.

Everyone needs belief in something. I believe I’ll have another beer.

You can always spot a well-informed man – his views are the same as yours.

When in doubt, mumble.

If you can’t be kind, at least have the decency to be vague.

I don’t have a solution but I admire the problem.

“As a matter of fact” is an expression that precedes many an expression that isn’t.

“Thinking is the hardest work there is, which is probably why so few engage in it”. — Henry Ford

Why is the man that invests your money called a broker?

Sheep don’t fly so much as plummet.

It is hard enough to remember my opinions, without also remembering my reasons for them!

“I wish everyone was peaceful. Then I could take over the planet with a butter knife”—Dogbert

It’s not that I’m afraid to die; I just don’t want to be there when it happens.

All those who believe in psycho kinesis raise my hand.

A hangover is the wrath of grapes.

I think that’s how Chicago got started. A bunch of people in New York said, “Gee, I’m enjoying the crime and the poverty, but it just isn’t cold enough. Let’s go west.”—Richard Jeni

Time is God’s way of keeping everything from happening at once.

I tried to photograph the fog, but I mist.

“I could tell that my parents hated me. My bath toys were a toaster and a radio” — Rodney Dangerfield

Everyone hates me because I’m paranoid.

“Inconceivable!” “I do not think that word means what you think it means.”

A synonym is a word you use when you can’t spell the word you first thought of.

God must love stupid people, he made so many.

“The best thing about the future is that it comes only one day at a time.” – Abraham Lincoln

Remember, half the people you know are below average.

Make three correct guesses consecutively and you will establish yourself as an expert.

Warning: Dates in Calendar are closer than they appear.

If you can’t dazzle them with brilliance... just baffle them with bullsh*t.

Man who run in front of car get tired.

An Apple a day keeps the doctor away. But... an onion a day keeps everyone away.

This girl said she recognized me from the vegetarian club, but I’d never met herbivore

The only difference between Genius and Insanity... is success.

One martini is all right, two is too many, and three is not enough.

“There are two major products that come out of Berkeley: LSD and UNIX. We don’t believe this to be a coincidence.” — Jeremy S. Anderson

Get even – live long enough to be a problem to your kids.

Just because your head is the biggest doesn’t mean it contains the right ideas.

A drop of ink may make a million think.

“Managing senior programmers is like herding cats” — Dave Platt.

The sooner you fall behind the more time you’ll have to catch up.

I’m an idealist: I don’t know where I’m going, but I’m on my way.

I have spent my whole life looking for the perfect woman, and now I’ve found her. Too bad she’s looking for the perfect man.

Abel Tasman on discovering Tasmania, “Too far south for spices and too close to the rim of the earth to be inhabited by anything but freaks and monsters”

“When you starve with a tiger, the tiger starves last”. — Griffin’s Thought

If a man opens a car door for a woman, either the car is new or the woman.

If con is the opposite of pro, congress is the opposite of progress.

Plagiarism saves time.

Don’t stop to stomp on ants when the elephants are stampeding.

Everybody lies, but it doesn’t matter since nobody listens.

Hypochondria is the only disease I haven’t got.

The trouble with our times is that the future is not what it used to be.

Cole’s Law: Thinly sliced cabbage.

My girlfriend told me I should be more affectionate. So I got two more girlfriends.

Optimists believe we live on the greatest world. Pessimists believe this is true.

The art of flying is to throw yourself at the ground and miss.

I get enough exercise just pushing my luck.

One good thing about repeating your mistakes is that you know when to cringe.

If quizzes are quizzical, what are tests?

I married Miss Right. I just didn’t know her first name was Always.

You can say any foolish thing to a dog, and the dog will give you a look that says, “My God, you’re right! I never would’ve thought of that!”

Doctor, Doctor I keep getting pains in the eye when I drink coffee. Have you tried taking the spoon out?

“On two occasions I have been asked [by members of Parliament!]: ‘Pray, Mr. Babbage, if you put into the machine wrong figures, will the right answers come out ?’ I am not able rightly to apprehend the kind of confusion of ideas that could provoke such a question.” — Charles Babbage.

I got a job at a bakery because I kneaded dough.

If someone with multiple personalities threatens suicide... is it considered a hostage situation?

Macho Law prohibits me from admitting I’m wrong.

Borrow money from pessimists- they don’t expect to get it back.

I am not a vegetarian because I love animals; I am a vegetarian because I hate plants.

You’re not drunk if you can lie on the floor without holding on.

If life was fair, Elvis would be alive and all the impersonators would be dead.

The world is full of willing people; some willing to work, the rest willing to let them.

I’d explain it to you, but your brain would explode.

How do you spot an Irishman at a carwash? He’s the one on the bike.

Horn broken. Watch for finger. (on bumper sticker)

The scientific theory I like best is that the rings of Saturn are composed entirely of lost airline luggage.

“Always in motion the future is. Seasick it makes me. That’s why so green I am”. – Yoda

“The web is a dominatrix. Every where I turn, I see little buttons ordering me to Submit.” — Nytwind.

A printer consists of three main parts: the case, the jammed paper tray and the blinking red light

A conscience does not prevent sin. It only prevents you from enjoying it.

INDECISION is the key to FLEXIBILITY.

Sometimes I think the surest sign that intelligent life exists elsewhere in the universe is that none of it has tried to contact us.

Anything that can become tangled around something else, will.

All my life, I always wanted to be somebody. Now I see that I should have been more specific.

Chipped dishes never break.

Where there’s a will, I want to be in it.

A penny saved is a Congressional spending oversight.

Good judgement comes from experience. Experience comes from bad judgement.

Be thankful for problems. If they were less difficult, someone with less ability might have your job.

The short fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.

Outside a Hong Kong tailor shop: Ladies may have a fit upstairs.

Computers make it easy to do a lot of things, but most of the things that make it easier to do don’t need to be done.

An egotist is a person of low taste—more interested in himself than in me.

History will be kind to me for I intend to write it. – Winston Churchill

A dog that attends a flea circus most likely will steal the whole show.

Killed - Personality Incompatibility

Quantum: Noun, word used to sound like I know what I’m talking about while discussing physics I’ve never actually studied.

I changed my iPod’s name to Titanic. It’s syncing now.

If you choke a smurf, what colour does it turn?

Man does not live by words alone, despite the fact that sometimes he has to eat them.

I envy people who drink – at least they know what to blame everything on.

“There is no reason anyone would want a computer in their home.” — Ken Olson, founder of Digital Equipment Corp., 1977.

I like children. Properly cooked.

This mind intentionally left blank

Of course, we are all worms—but I like to think, at least, that I am a glow-worm. – Winston Churchill

Time sneaks up on you like a windshield on a bug.

Best way to get a man to do something, is to suggest they are too old for it.

I guess traffic in the city is improving a little. Yesterday, I drove clear across town and only had to shave twice.

The sooner you fall behind the more time you’ll have to catch up.

I used to think I was indecisive, but now I’m not sure.

I can resist everything except temptation.

If it weren’t for the last minute, nothing would ever get done.

System Error - Windows Loaded

I used to be apathetic, but now I don’t give a damn.

Age always corresponds inversely to the size of your multivitamin.

Hard work never killed anybody but why take the chance?

It has recently been discovered that research causes cancer in rats.

Anger is only one letter away from danger.

Constipated People Don’t Give A Crap.

The beatings will continue until morale improves.

I’m quite easy to get along with, once you learn to beckon at my every call and yield to all my desires.

Shin: a device for finding furniture in the dark.

Maybe I’m lucky to be going so slowly, because I may be going in the wrong direction.

Laughing stock: cattle with a sense of humour.

We Quit Voting Will They All Go Away?

The chance of a piece of bread falling with the buttered side down is directly proportional to the cost of the carpet.

What hair color do they put on the driver’s licenses of bald men?

It’s bad luck to be superstitious.

An Irish man was driving to the airport when he saw a sign saying ‘Airport – Left’... So he went home.

I am free of all prejudices. I hate everyone equally.

Politicians are people who, when they see the light at the end of the tunnel, go out and buy more tunnel.

Men’s faults are many, women have only two. Everything they say, and everything they do.

Don’t Be Sexist – Broads Hate That.

I did a theatrical performance about puns. It was a play on words.

“Always be sincere, even when you don’t mean it”. — Irene Peter

Murphy’s Golden Rule: Whoever has the gold makes the rules.

A committee is a body that keeps minutes and wastes hours.

Is Disney World the only people trap operated by a mouse?

My husband and I divorced over religious differences... He thought he was God and I didn’t.

It’s not true that married men live longer than single men. It only seems longer.

I want to die peacefully in my sleep like my grandfather, not screaming in abject horror like his passengers.

I hate women because they always know where things are.

The only perfect science is hindsight.

Love is like an hourglass, with the heart filling up as the brain empties.

I fear my inferiority complex is not as good as yours.

You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say will be misquoted then used against you.

I’m sorry; you cannot have an outlook on life because it isn’t responding. Microsoft apologises for any inconvenience.

It is wiser to find out than to suppose.—Mark Twain

It is hard to understand how a cemetery raised its burial charges and blamed it on the cost of living.

Never argue with an idiot. They drag you down to their level then beat you with experience.

Connection Reset - Insufficient Electrons

“You start coding. I’ll go find out what they want.” — Computer analyst to programmer

Well, if I called the wrong number, why did you answer the phone?

I think, therefore I am single.

I don’t believe in astrology. I am a Sagittarius and we’re very skeptical. ~ Arthur C. Clarke

Applying computer technology is simply finding the right wrench to pound in the correct screw.

If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?

Life... I don’t get it...

Tell me what you need, and I’ll tell you how to get along without it.

I don’t like people who take drugs... Customs Officers for example.

AIBOHPHOBIA – the fear of palindromes.

“C++ : Where friends have access to your private members.” — Gavin Russell Baker.

Work expands to fill the time available. — PARKINSON’S LAW

Climbers aim for the summit because it is there. Bungi jumpers dive off the top because they aren’t all there.

Isn’t having a smoking section in a restaurant like having a peeing section in a swimming pool?

“Reader, suppose you were an idiot. And suppose you were a member of Congress. But I repeat myself”. — Mark Twain

There are very few personal problems that cannot be solved through a suitable application of high explosives.

Save the whales. Collect the whole set.

Nick Overruled - Democratic Majority Decision

How can you come out of a closet if you never went in there in the first place?

Progress was all right. Only it went on too long.

I’m out of my mind, but feel free to leave a message.

I love cats – they taste just like chicken.

A bargain is something you don’t need at a price you can’t resist.

Never put off until tomorrow what you can avoid altogether.

I stayed up all night to see where the sun went. Then it dawned on me.

Democracy is a process by which people are free to choose the man who will get the blame.

A person who smiles in the face of adversity... probably has a scapegoat.

If vegetable oil comes from vegetables, where does baby oil come from?

Well if this is the wrong number, why did you answer it?

Be nice to your kids. They’ll choose your nursing home.

I majored in liberal arts. Will that be for here or to go?

Why do we wash bath towels, aren’t we clean when we use them?

Lots of people know a good thing the minute the other fellow sees it first.

What Has Four Legs And An Arm? A Happy Pit Bull.

To find out a girl’s faults, praise her to her girl friends.

You’ll never get to heaven if you’re scared of getting high.

Seen it all, done it all, can’t remember most of it.

The amount of work to be done increases in proportion to the amount of work already completed. — VAIL’S SECOND AXIOM

A baby sitter is a teenager acting like an adult while the adults are out acting like teenagers.

I took a speed reading course and read ‘War and Peace’ in twenty minutes. It involves Russia. Enough women for four.

Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?

Money can’t buy happiness, but it sure makes misery easier to live with.

There are three ways to get something done: do it yourself, hire someone, or forbid your kids to do it.

“There are only two things that are infinite: the universe and human stupidity. And I’m not sure about the universe.” A. Einstein

I work hard because millions on welfare depend on me.

How Many Roads Must A Man Travel Down Before He Admits He Is Lost?

Confidence is the feeling you have before you understand the situation.

Roses are red, Violets are blue. In Soviet Russia, Poems write you.

Bacteria: the only culture some people have.

What does a clock do when it’s hungry? It goes back four seconds.

Anyone who told you to be yourself couldn’t have given you worse advice.

When in trouble, fear or doubt, run in circles, scream and shout.

Men don’t care what’s on TV. They only care what else is on TV.

On a tombstone: I TOLD YOU I WAS SICK

My mind not only wanders, sometimes it leaves completely.

In the beginning, there was nothing. Then God said, “Let there be light,” and there was still nothing, but you could see it.

I think animal testing is a terrible idea; they get all nervous and give the wrong answers.

Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?

A soldier who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran.

Show me a piano falling down a mineshaft and I’ll show you A-flat minor.

Two strings walk into a bar. The first string says to the bartender, “Bartender, I’ll have a beer. u.5n$x5t?*&4ru!2[sACCErJ”. The second string says, “Pardon my friend, he isn’t NULL terminated”.

One day I will get this peer guy and reset his connection.

A poor excuse is like an old bucket; doesn’t matter what shape it is in, as long as it holds water.

If you try and don’t succeed, cheat. Repeat until caught. Then lie.

“I believe in equality for everyone, except reporters and photographers”. — Gandhi

Sheep don’t fly so much as plummet.

“Oh dear,” said God, “I hadn’t thought of that,” and promptly vanished in a puff of logic.

I like to start my periods with sentences.

On the plus side, death is one of the few things that can be done just as easily as lying down.

There are two types of people in this world, good and bad. The good sleep better, but the bad seem to enjoy the waking hours much more.

Being a philosopher, I have a problem for every solution.

Don’t use a big word where a diminutive one will suffice.

My life has a superb cast but I can’t figure out the plot.

Youth would be an ideal state if it came a little later in life.

I don’t enjoy computer jokes; not one bit.

The things that come to those that wait may be the things left by those who got there first.

Snowmen fall from Heaven unassembled.

Before you give a colleague a piece of your mind, be sure you can spare it.

Take my advice, I don’t use it anyway.

I used up all my sick days, so I’m calling in dead.

The shortest distance between two points is under construction.

Vote for the man who promises least; he’ll be the least disappointing.

“The object of war is not to die for your country but to make the other bastard die for his.” – General George Patton

Despite the cost of living it’s still very popular.

“Reading computer manuals without the hardware is as frustrating as reading sex manuals without the software.” — Arthur C. Clarke.

Ninety-nine per cent of the people in the world are fools and the rest of us are in great danger of contagion.

For Sale: Parachute. Only used once, never opened, small stain.

Just because you’re not paranoid doesn’t mean they’re not out to get you.

Comedy is tragedy plus time.

Everybody is ignorant, only on different subjects.

Knowledge is the key, but where is the damn lock?

Life is far too important to be taken seriously.

There’s a fine line between genius and insanity. I have erased this line.

I’m an apathetic sociopath – I’d kill you if I cared.

I was the next door kid’s imaginary friend.

Impotence: Nature’s Way Of Saying “No Hard Feelings”.

Men occasionally stumble over the truth, but most of them pick themselves up and hurry off as if nothing had happened. – Winston Churchill

We’ve made great medical progress in the last generation. What used to be merely an itch is now an allergy.

I don’t suffer from stress. I’m a carrier.

If at first you do succeed, try to hide your astonishment.

Legend: a lie that has attained the dignity of age.

He’s so lazy. I’ve seen him step into a revolving door and wait.

Blessed are the young, for they shall inherit the national debt.

Being single is like a vacuum. It sucks when you are turned on.

System Error - Windows Loaded

Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy.

The most precious thing we have is life. Yet it has absolutely no trade-in value.

If trees could scream, would we be so cavalier about cutting them down? We might, if they screamed all the time, for no good reason.

Caution – Driver Legally Blonde!

There’s a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot.

Honesty is the best policy, but insanity is a better defence.

If you’re not confused, you’re not paying attention.

I wonder how much deeper would the ocean be without sponges.

All men are equal. Some are just more equal than others.

Alcohol: the cause of, and solution to, all of life’s problems.

Well, this day was a total waste of makeup.

Consciousness: that annoying time between naps.

If you don’t know why I’m mad at you, then I’m certainly not going to tell you

I took an IQ test and the results were negative.

Instead of getting married again, I’m going to find a woman I don’t like and just give her a house.—Rod Stewart

If we learn by our mistakes, some of us are getting one hell of an education!

PMS jokes aren’t funny. Period.

I’ve been trying for some time to develop a life style that doesn’t require my presence.

The difference between a stepping-stone and a stumbling block can be when you see it.

Madness takes its toll. Please have exact change.

Before marriage, a man yearns for the woman he loves. After marriage, the ‘Y’ becomes silent.

It’s important to be open-minded, but not SO open-minded that your brains fall out.

Leftists are among the first to speak of their rights.

“I’ve noticed that everyone who is for abortion has already been born.” – Ronald Reagan

Some people are alive only because it’s illegal to kill them.

Be kind to your dentist. He has fillings, too.

Did you hear about the cross-eyed teacher who lost her job because she couldn’t control her pupils?

“Blink your eyelids periodically to lubricate your eyes.” — Page 16 of the HP “Environmental, Health Safety Handbook for Employees”.

“If women didn’t exist, all the money in the world would have no meaning.” – Aristotle Onassis

Mental Floss prevents Moral Decay.

When you come to a fork in the road, take it.

We waste time, so you don’t have to.

Eat a live toad first thing in the morning, and nothing worse can happen to you the rest of the day.

“You can always count on Americans to do the right thing—after they’ve tried everything else” – Winston Churchill

What’s another word for Thesaurus?

Bacteria: the only culture some people have.

I like kids, but I don’t think I could eat a whole one.

In this world, nothing is certain but death and taxes. – Benjamin Franklin

Latest survey shows that 3 out of 4 people make up 75% of the world’s population.

If a woman has to choose between catching a fly ball and saving an infant’s life, she will choose to save the infant’s life without even considering if there is a man on base.—Dave Barry

Any ship can be a minesweeper... once.

Birthdays are good for you. Statistics show that the people who have the most live the longest.

The second day of a diet is alway easier than the first. By the second day, you’re off it.

Why does Sea World have a seafood restaurant? I’m halfway through my fish burger and I realize, Oh my gosh... I could be eating a slow learner.

Acupuncture is a jab well done.

I didn’t like my beard at first. Then it grew on me.

Bigamy is having one wife too many. Monogamy is the same. – Oscar Wilde

Military intelligence is a contradiction in terms.

They told me I had type A blood, but it was a Type O

When angry count four, when very angry, swear.

My husband says I never listen to him (at least I think that’s what he said)

For people who like peace and quiet – a phoneless cord.

Mines are equal opportunity weapons.

I love being married. It’s so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.

I’m in no shape to exercise.

Connection Reset By Aboriginal With Wire Cutters

Modesty is a virtue of fools.

Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

We must believe in free will, we have no choice.

Why is the third hand on the watch called a second hand?

Stupidity is not a handicap. Park elsewhere!

Insanity is hereditary; you can get it from your children.

“I have never let my schooling interfere with my education.”—Mark Twain

I used to be a Kleptomaniac, But now I’m taking something for it

The best computer is a man, and it’s the only one that can be mass-produced by unskilled labour.

Solitude is fine, but you need someone to tell you that solitude is fine.

Genius is 1% inspiration, and 99% perspiration.

“I worked in a pet shop and people kept asking how big I’d get” — Rodney Dangerfield

Two signs from a Majorcan shop entrance: English well speaking / Here speeching American.

Everybody is ignorant, only on different subjects.

I’m not into working out. My philosophy: No pain, no pain.

When you are arguing with an idiot, make sure the other person isn’t doing the same thing.

He does the work of three men: Larry, Moe and Curly.

I don’t have an attitude problem. You have a perception problem.

Man who drive like hell bound to get there.

You look like a million dollars. All green and wrinkled.

Outside of a dog, a book is probably man’s best friend, and inside of a dog, it’s too dark to read.

“#define QUESTION ((bb) || !(bb))” — Shakespeare

Needing someone is like needing a parachute. If he isn’t there the first time you need him, chances are you won’t be needing him again.

If you’re born again, do you have two bellybuttons?

When he first ran for office, he appealed to the voters: “I never stole anything in my life. All I ask is a chance.”

If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?

Why don’t you ever see the headline “Psychic Wins Lottery”?

Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don’t.

People can be divided into three groups: Those who make things happen, those who watch things happen, and those who wonder what happened.

The human brain is a wonderful thing. It starts working the moment you are born, and never stops until you stand up to speak in public.

I don’t meet competition. I crush it

Always do sober what you said you’d do drunk. That will teach you to keep your mouth shut.

Whenever people agree with me, I always feel I must be wrong.

Never put both feet in your mouth at the same time, because then you don’t have a leg to stand on.

“Heavier-than-air flying machines are impossible.” — Lord Kelvin, president, Royal Society, 1895.

My mind works like lightning. One brilliant flash and it is gone.

Plan to be spontaneous tomorrow.

TEAMWORK... means never having to take all the blame yourself.

“This ‘telephone’ has too many shortcomings to be seriously considered as a means of communication.” — Western Union internal memo, 1876.

He often broke into song because he couldn’t find the key.

We have two ends. One for sitting and one for thinking. Our success depends on which one we use most.

e=mc^2 where m = the number of cooks required to spoil the broth

Help Wanted: Telepath. You know where to apply.

Seeing a murder on television...will help work off one’s antagonisms. And if you haven’t any antagonisms, the commercials will give you some.

From the moment I picked your book up until I laid it down I was convulsed with laughter. Some day I intend reading it.

I’ve always wanted to be normal, but lately I’ve come to suspect that this is it.

“A patriot must always be ready to defend his country against his government”. — Edward Abbey

There are two kinds of people, those who finish what they start, and so on.

Booze is the answer. I don’t remember the question.

The fellow who thinks he knows it all is especially annoying to those of us who do.

“How come we choose from just two people to run for president and 50 for Miss America?”

Don’t take life too seriously—you’ll never get out of it alive.

Venison for dinner again? Oh deer!

If people concentrated on the really important things in life, there’d be a shortage of fishing poles.

There is no such thing as an underestimate of average intelligence

At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be “What is hell?” Come early and listen to our choir practice.

“Banking establishments are more dangerous than standing armies”. — Thomas Jefferson

England has no kidney bank, but it does have a Liverpool.

I am obviously right, and as you disagree with me, then logically you must be wrong.

Raising teenagers is like trying to nail Jell-O to a tree.

Santa’s helpers are subordinate clauses.

Having more money doesn’t make you happier. I have 50 million dollars but I’m just as happy as when I had 48 million. ~ Arnold Schwarzenegger.

Arguing on the Internet is like competing in the Special Olympics – even if you win, you are still retarded.

Statistics are like bikinis – What they reveal is suggestive, but what they conceal is vital.

It is not what a teenager knows that bothers his parents. It is how he found out.

Anyone can admit they were wrong; the true test is admitting it to someone else.

It doesn’t matter what temperature the room is; it’s always room temperature.

I wished the buck stopped here, as I could use a few.

Cleverly Disguised As A Responsible Adult.

How do you know if a fish is Irish? It has drowned.

In the office of a Roman doctor: Specialist in women and other diseases.

Proofread carefully to see if you any words out.

Everybody has a photographic memory. Some don’t have film.

“Then he ran into my knife. He ran into my knife ten times.” – Chicago

Allow me to introduce my selves.

At the age of six I wanted to be a cook. At seven I wanted to be Napoleon. And my ambition has been growing steadily ever since.

Anything not nailed down is a cat toy.

Honk if you love peace and quiet.

My schoolmates would make love to anything that moved, but I never saw any reason to limit myself.

When life hands you a lemon, make lemonade.

A guy got arrested for playing the guitar. He was fingering a minor.

You can’t have everything. Where would you put it?

I always wanted to be a procrastinator, never got around to it though.

This guy walks into a bar and the barman says “Ouch, that must have hurt”

Oh, don’t fuss. I just cut myself. It’s no big deal,” REALLY MEANS, “I have actually severed a limb, but will bleed to death before I admit I’m hurt.”

If we aren’t supposed to eat animals, why are they made of meat?

Democracy is a government where you can say what you think even if you don’t think.

The trouble with life is there’s no background music.

I can please only one person per day. Today is not your day. Tomorrow isn’t looking good either.

“How can a president not be an actor?” – when asked “How could an actor become president?” – Ronald Reagan

They say if you play a Microsoft CD backwards you hear satanic messages. That’s nothing, if you play it forwards it installs Windows.

Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way when you criticize them, you are a mile away from them and you have their shoes.

If a President doesn’t do it to his wife, he’ll do it to his country.

Half of being smart is knowing what you are dumb at.

If I were someone who knew something, who could I tell that would believe me?

We spend the first twelve months of our children’s lives teaching them to walk and talk and the next twelve telling them to sit down and shut up.

Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.

In a Rome laundry: Ladies, leave your clothes here and spend the afternoon having a good time.

Cluster bombing from B-52s is very, very accurate – the bombs always hit the ground.

Moderation in all things, including moderation.

The day I can’t do my job drunk is the day I turn in my badge and gun.

In a Norwegian cocktail lounge: Ladies are requested not to have children in the bar.

Englishmen never will be slaves: they are free to do whatever the Government and public opinion allow them to do.

You’re such an inspiration for the way I’ll never choose to be.

There are only three kinds of people; people who can count and people who can’t.

The man who fell into an upholstery machine is fully recovered.

I installed a skylight in my apartment. The people who live above me are furious.

I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.

If the French were really intelligent, they’d speak English.

“My computer NEVER loc

Marriage is not a word; it is a sentence.

If the human brain were so simple that we could understand it, we would be so simple we couldn’t.

The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.

Why is it that doctors call what they do “practice”?

We are going on a field trip to the Coca-Cola factory. I hope there are no pop quizzes.

What sane person could live in this world and not be crazy?

The trouble with the rat race is that even if you win, you’re still a rat.

The only reason some people get lost in thought is because it’s unfamiliar territory.

I have gone to look for myself, if I should return before I get back, keep me here.

Where you stand depends on where you sit.

Keyboard not detected. Press F1 to continue

When I was a boy I was told that anybody could become president; I’m beginning to believe it.

“My wife made me join a bridge club. I jump off next Tuesday” — Rodney Dangerfield

If you don’t know where you are going, you might wind up someplace else.

If you want a committed man, look in a mental hospital.

Tips for Vegetarians: Hit a chicken enough times and it turns into a vegetable.

I’m reading a book about anti-gravity. I can’t put it down.

They say you only use ten percent of your brain. What about the other ten?

Anything not nailed down is mine. Anything I can pry loose is not nailed down.

Eschew obfuscation.

Age is an issue of mind over matter. If you don’t mind, it doesn’t matter.

“Things are more like they are now than they ever were before.” – Former U.S. President Dwight D. Eisenhower

If at first you don’t succeed, destroy all the evidence that you tried.

I had amnesia once or twice.

Prediction is extremely difficult. Especially about the future.

Red Tape Holds Up New Bridge!

Bachelors have consciences, married men have wives.

111,111,111 x 111,111,111 = 12,345,678,987,654,321

Man who run behind car get exhausted.

Jokes about German sausage are the wurst.

If you think nobody cares if you’re alive, try missing a couple of car payments.

I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol.

So Many Pedestrians – So Little Time.

The trouble with jogging is that, by the time you realise you’re not in shape for it, it’s far too far to walk back.

It’s not hard to meet expenses, they’re everywhere.

A bird in the hand is safer than one overhead.

Support bacteria – they’re the only culture some people have.

The doctor can bury his mistakes but an architect can only advise his client to plant vines.

“I am not worried about the deficit. It is big enough to take care of itself.” – Ronald Reagan

I’m desperately trying to figure out why kamikaze pilots wore helmets.

I have had more trouble with myself than with any other man I’ve met.

Everybody is somebody else’s weirdo.

Brilliant, but with the social skills of a thermonuclear device.

That which cannot be taken apart will fall apart.

It is a fitting irony that under Richard Nixon, ‘launder’ became a dirty word.

I have noticed that the people who are late are often so much jollier that the people who have to wait for them.

I always wanted to be somebody, but I should have been more specific.

Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.

What if there were no hypothetical questions?

Remember half the people you know are below average.

It used to be only death and taxes were inevitable. Now, of course, there’s shipping and handling, too.

Love is blind, but marriage is a real eye-opener.

Conscience is the inner voice warning us that someone may be looking.

On the keyboard of life, always keep one finger on the escape key.

If you can’t convince them, confuse them.

An army of deer led by a lion is more to be feared than an army of lions led by a deer.

When all other means of communication fail, try words.

Does your train of thought have a caboose?

I heard a man say that brigands demand your money or your life, whereas women require both.

If at first you don’t succeed, try, try again. Then quit. There’s no use being a damned fool about it.

Promises are like babies: fun to make, but hell to deliver.

If money talks, it ain’t on speakin’ terms with me.

In a Budapest zoo: Please do not feed the animals. If you have any suitable food, give it to the guard on duty.

Whenever there is any doubt, there is no doubt.

When you get a bladder infection, urine trouble.

If you don’t know where you are going, you will wind up somewhere else.

Shin: a device for finding furniture in the dark.

Cab drivers are living proof that practice does not make perfect.

Cheer up, the worst is yet to come.

Why is it called tourist season if we can’t shoot at them?

Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7th of your life.

I used to find him boring until I stopped listening.

Eagles may soar, but weasels don’t get sucked into jet engines.

I spent most of my money on booze, drugs and women... The rest I wasted!

Compromise: the art of dividing a cake so that everybody believes he or she got the biggest piece.

Doctor, Doctor You’ve got to help me – I just can’t stop my hands shaking. Do you drink a lot? Not really – I spill most of it!

I spilled spot remover on my dog. Now he’s gone.

The light at the end of the tunnel has been turned off due to budget cuts.

It’s strange, isn’t it. You stand in the middle of a library and go aaaaagghhhh’ and everyone just stares at you. But you do the same thing on an aeroplane, and everyone joins in.

If you don’t pay your exorcist you get repossessed.

You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.

Stupidity is not a handicap! Park somewhere else!

Don’t use a big word where a diminutive one will suffice.

If you don’t learn to laugh at troubles, you won’t have anything to laugh at when you grow old.

I don’t necessarily agree with everything I say.

I love work; it fascinates me; I can sit and watch it for hours.

Half our life is spent trying to find something to do with the time we have rushed through life trying to save.

Success always occurs in private, and failure in full public view.

He who laughs last thinks slowest.

Quantum mechanics: The dreams stuff is made of.

Perhaps you’re diagonally parked in a parallel universe?

I am a nobody, nobody is perfect, therefore I’m perfect.

I don’t suffer from stress. I’m a carrier.

If you do not make dust, you eat dust.

If puns were outlawed, only outlaws would have puns.

I intend to live forever – so far, so good.

In elementary school, in case of fire, you have to line up quietly in a single file line from smallest to tallest. What is the logic? Do tall people burn slower?

I hope that after I die, people will say of me: “That guy sure owed me a lot of money.”

No sense being pessimistic, it probably wouldn’t work anyway.

Procrastinate Now!

“If builders built buildings the way programmers write programs, then the first woodpecker that came along would destroy civilization” — Weinberg’s Second Law.

It is even harder for the average ape to believe that he has descended from man.

Youth is a wonderful thing. What a crime to waste it on children.

I have kleptomania, but when it gets bad, I take something for it. ~ Robert Benchle

“This report, by its very length, defends itself against the risk of being read”. — Winston Churchill

It’s just a job. Grass grows, birds fly, waves pound the sand. I just beat people up. – Muhammad Ali

Slow is when someone laps you in the hundred-yard dash

A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat.

The earthquake in Washington obviously was the government’s fault.

What do you call a dinosaur with an extensive vocabulary? A thesaurus.

I’m not dumb; I just have a command of thoroughly useless information.

In democracy it’s your vote that counts. In feudalism it’s your count that votes.

A dyslexic man walks into a bra.

A procrastinator’s work is never done.

Some people are going to leave a mark on this world, while others will leave a stain.

I majored in liberal arts. Will that be for here or to go?

Marriage is a three-ring circus: engagement ring, wedding ring, and suffering.

Someday we’ll look back on all this and plow into the back of a parked car.

How do you sink an Irish Submarine? Knock on the hatch.

How do I set a laser printer to stun?

“You have to be careful about being too careful” – Beryl Pfizer

Once, during prohibition, I was forced to live for days on nothing but food and water.

The secret of success is sincerity. Once you can fake that you’ve got it made.

If at first you don’t succeed, skydiving is not your sport.

He who smiles in a crisis has found someone to blame.

People don’t grow up; they just learn how to act in public.

I was at a bar nursing a beer. My nipple was getting quite soggy.

Anywhere is walking distance, if you’ve got the time.

IRS: We’ve got what it takes to take what you’ve got.

What’s the definition of a will? (It’s a dead giveaway).

If I’d known I was going to live this long, I’d have taken better care of myself.

Why is it that to stop Windows, you have to click on “Start”?

It’s easy to quit smoking... I’ve done it over 10,000 times.

Errors have been made. Others will be blamed.

When you do not know what you are doing, do it neatly.

Hemp is a herb. Bush is a dope.

If the world should blow itself up, the last audible voice would be that of an expert saying it can’t be done.

Last night I lay in bed looking up at the stars in the sky and I thought to myself, “Where the heck is the ceiling?”

How do you get an Irishman to burn his ear? Ring him up while he is ironing.

Laugh at your problems; everybody else does.

Under capitalism, man exploits man. Under Communism, it’s just the opposite.

Artificial Intelligence is no match for Natural Stupidity.

In a Tokyo shop: Our nylons cost more than common, but you’ll find they are best in the long run.

A cartoonist was found dead in his home. Details are sketchy.

Authority makes some people grow – and others just swell.

This comment is printed on 100% recycled electrons.

If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?

Laugh and the world laughs with you; snore and you sleep alone.

I am amazed at radio DJ’s today. I am firmly convinced that AM on my radio stands for Absolute Moron. I will not begin to tell you what FM stands for.

Time’s fun when you’re having flies... Kermit the Frog

Don’t marry for money. You can borrow it cheaper.

If olive oil comes from olives, where does baby oil come from?

Make sure your mind isn’t so open that your brains fall out.

Never underestimate the power of very stupid people in large groups.

Brain: an apparatus with which we think we think.

To err is human – and to blame it on a computer is even more so.

I used to be a banker, but then I lost interest.

“A girl phoned me the other day and said... Come on over, there’s nobody home. I went over. Nobody was home” — Rodney Dangerfield

I have the body of a GOD – Buddha.

“Life is a waste of time, time is a waste of life, so get wasted all of the time and have the time of your life”. — Tom Waits

I live in my own little world, but it’s ok they know me here.

If all you have is a hammer, everything looks like a nail.

The surprising thing about young fools is how many survive to become old fools.

A bird does not sing because it has an answer—it sings because it has a song.

Don’t be irreplaceable; if you cannot be replaced, you cannot be promoted.

Pardon my driving, I am reloading.

Heck is where people go who don’t believe in gosh.

Nobody can be exactly like me. Even I have trouble doing it.

I don’t want to achieve immortality through my work. I want to achieve immortality through not dying.

Every morning is the dawn of a new error.

On the other hand you have different fingers.

Years ago fairy tales began with “Once upon a time...” Now it’s “If I am elected...”

An egotist has one point in his favour – he doesn’t go round talking about other people.

I Refuse To Have A Battle Of Wits With An Unarmed Person.

“He has been given a large brain by mistake, since for him the spinal cord would fully suffice.” — Albert Einstein

If you’re not wasted, the day is.

Does this smell like chloroform to you?

Only a fool is astonished by the foolishness of humankind.

Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying of nothing.

Money is flat and meant to be piled up. – Scottish Proverb

Advertisement for donkey rides in Thailand: Would you like to ride on your own ass?

A backwards poet writes inverse.

Even crime wouldn’t pay if the government ran it.

Every time I look at you I get a fierce desire to be lonesome.

I started out with nothing, and I still have most of it.

“You, you and you: panic. The rest of you, come with me.”

Hang in there; retirement is only thirty years away.

Wine divulges truth.

A diplomatic husband said to his wife, how do you expect me to remember your birthday when you never look any older?

Always remember you’re unique, just like everyone else.

If we don’t succeed, we run the risk of failure.

All the toilets in New York’s police stations have been stolen. The police have nothing to go on.

If I were two-faced, would I be wearing this one?

Some people say that I must be a horrible person, but that’s not true. I have the heart of a young boy – in a jar on my desk.

“Every mighty oak was once just a nut who stood his ground.”

Character is what you are in the dark.

This Would Be Really Funny If It Weren’t Happening To Me.

Democracy is the recurrent suspicion that more than half of the people are right more than half of the time.

“Einstein argued that there must be simplified explanations of nature, because God is not capricious or arbitrary. No such faith comforts the software engineer.” — Fred Brooks.

To define recursion, we must first define recursion.

Remember the teakettle; though up to its neck in hot water, it continues to sing.

Time flies like an arrow – fruit flies like a banana.

According to recent study someone is run over by a car every 5 minutes in the city. You’d think the guy would have enough sense to get out of the street.

Eagles may soar, but weasels don’t get sucked into jet engines.

“People who drink light beer don’t like the taste of beer; they just like to pee a lot” — Rodney Dangerfield

If sex is such a natural phenomenon, how come there are so many books on how to do it.

Bachelors know more about women than married men; if they didn’t they’d be married too.

Everything is possible; just not too probable.

“Hey, I’ve got reasons for what I’m doing,” REALLY MEANS, “I sure hope I think of some pretty soon.”

Who is General Failure and why is he reading my hard disk?

Experience is simply the name we give our mistakes.

Tip the world over on its side and everything loose will land in Los Angeles.

Velcro — what a rip off!

The dumber people think you are, the more surprised they’re going to be when you kill them—Rodney Dangerfield

Better to remain silent and be thought a fool, than to speak and remove all doubt.

You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They left a little note on the windscreen, it said ‘Parking Fine.’

The more time you spend in reporting on what you are doing, the less time you have to do it in. Stability is achieved when you spend all your time doing nothing but reporting on the nothing you are doing.

“I think there is a world market for maybe five computers.” — Thomas Watson, chairman of IBM, 1943.

A day without sun shine is like, you know, night.

Men have a much better time of it than women; for one thing, they marry later; for another thing they die earlier.

How did Moses make his tea? Hebrews it.

I used to think I was indecisive, but now I’m not sure.

Smith & Wesson — the original point and click interface.

People with narrow minds usually have broad tongues.

It is a small world, but I wouldn’t like to have to paint it.

It is well to remember the entire population of the universe, with one trifling exception, is composed of others.

One good turn gets most of the blankets.

I dropped out of communism class because of lousy Marx.

“War does not determine who is right - only who is left.” – Bertrand Russell

Somewhere on this globe, every ten seconds, is a woman giving birth to a child. She must be found and stopped.

I tried sniffing Coke once, but the ice cubes got stuck in my nose.

Blessed are those who can laugh at themselves, they will never cease to be amused.

I know a guy who is addicted to brake fluid. He says he can stop anytime.

Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian any more than going to the garage makes you a car.

It’s hard to face the problem, when the problem is your face.

When your IQ reaches 80 –– sell.

The dictionary is the only place where success comes before work.

If at first you don’t succeed, try management.

I don’t approve of political jokes... I’ve seen too many of them get elected.

If you can’t convince them, confuse them.

Plato is dead, Einstein is dead, and I’m not feeling too good myself...

Never buy a car you can’t push.

Go the extra mile. It makes your boss look like an incompetent slacker.

I thought I made a mistake once, but I was wrong.

Fundamentalism: Believe in a kind, loving God or we’ll kill you!

If everything is coming your way, you are probably in the wrong lane.

A team effort is a lot of people doing what I say

I stayed up all night to see where the sun went. Then it dawned on me.

Early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.

I generally avoid temptation unless I can’t resist it.

Always try to be modest and be proud of it!

I love deadlines. I especially like the whooshing sound they make as they go flying by.

I Haven’t Lost My Mind, It’s Backed Up On Disk Somewhere.

Being in the army is like being in the Boy Scouts, except that the Boy Scouts have adult supervision.

If ever I get married again it would have to be under an anaesthetic.

Half of the people in the world are below average.

It is said that if you line up all the cars in the world end to end, someone would be stupid enough to try and pass them.

Not all men are annoying. Some are dead.

Be careful when reading health books; you may die of a misprint.

Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.

Man who eat many prunes get good run for money.

Life is complex: it has real and imaginary parts.

Man shoots neighbour with machete [The Miami Herald, July 3]

People who think they know everything are annoying to those of us who do.

Remember... Marriage is the number one cause of divorce. Statistically, 100% of all divorces started with marriage.

If you can’t beat your computer at chess, try kickboxing.

Money is better than poverty, if only for financial reasons.

Five out of four people have trouble with fractions.

Mind like a steel trap – rusty and illegal in most states.

Gossip: The art of saying nothing while leaving nothing unsaid.

“They say hard work never hurt anybody, but I figure why take the chance.” – Ronald Reagan

Nothing means nothing, but it isn’t really nothing because nothing is something that isn’t.

Confidence is the feeling you have before you understand the situation

Without question, the greatest invention in the history of mankind is beer. Oh, I grant you that the wheel was also a fine invention, but the wheel does not go nearly as well with pizza.

I’d like to see things your way, but I’m looking in another direction.

Those who can laugh without cause have either found the true meaning of happiness or have gone stark raving mad.

Even paranoids have real enemies.

If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?

I wondered why the baseball was getting bigger. Then it hit me.

If At First You Don’t Succeed... Blame Someone Else And Seek Counseling.

Sex on television can’t hurt you unless you fall off.

I had some words with my wife, and she had some paragraphs with me.

Friends may come and go, but enemies accumulate

Accept that some days you’re the pigeon, and some days you’re the statue.

What happens if you get scared half to death twice?

The number of people watching you is directly proportional to the stupidity of your action.

By the time a man realises that his father was right, he has a son who thinks he’s wrong.

Sometimes I wake up grumpy; other times I let her sleep

Technology is a way of organizing the universe so that man doesn’t have to experience it.

The illegal we do immediately. The unconstitutional takes a little longer. – Henry Kissinger

Illiterate? Write For Help.

Men are from earth. Women are from earth. Deal with it.

A study in the Washington Post says that women have better verbal skills than men. I just want to say to the authors of that study: “Duh.”— Conan O’Brien

Experience is something you do not get until just after you need it.

Age is a question of mind over matter. If you don’t mind, it don’t matter.

I thought I wanted a career, turns out I just wanted paychecks.

Chaos, panic, & disorder – my work here is done.

The most powerful force in the universe is gossip.

I have a simple philosophy. Fill what’s empty. Empty what’s full. Scratch where it itches.

As the light changed from red to green to yellow and back to red again, I sat there thinking about life. Was it nothing more than a bunch of honking and yelling? Sometimes it seemed that way.

What do you call a dinosaur with an extensive vocabulary? A thesaurus.

As a final incentive before giving up a difficult task, try to imagine it successfully accomplished by someone you violently dislike.

I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.

You have to stay in shape. My grandmother, she started walking five miles a day when she was 60. She’s 97 today and we don’t know where the hell she is.

You have the right to your opinions. I just don’t want to hear them.

Most vegetarians look so much like the food they eat that they can be classified as cannibals.

Honest criticism is hard to take, particularly from a relative, a friend, an acquaintance, or a stranger.

Some people are alive only because it’s illegal to kill them.

Originality is the fine art of remembering what you hear, but forgetting where you heard it.

There are 10 types of people in the world: Those who understand binary, and those who don’t.

There’s a difference between being open-minded and having a hole in your head

There are two kinds of people, those who finish what they start, and so on.

To succeed in politics, it is often necessary to rise above your principles.

It is not my interest to pay the principal, nor my principal to pay the interest.

A conclusion is simply the place where you got tired of thinking.

Early to rise, early to bed, makes a man healthy but socially dead.

Don’t talk unless you can improve the silence.

Is there life before death?

If automobiles had followed the same development cycle as the computer, a Rolls Royce would today cost $100, get a million miles per gallon, and explode once a year, killing everyone inside.

A pessimist is a man who has been compelled to live with an optimist

Haunted French pancakes give me the crêpes.

I have great faith in fools; my friends call it self-confidence.

One of the greatest labour-saving inventions today is tomorrow.

I plead contemporary insanity.

Some pain is physical, and some is mental, but one that’s both is dental.

Age is a very high price to pay for maturity.

Time is a great teacher, but unfortunately it kills all its pupils.

I laugh in the face of danger, except if I’m involved.

Energizer Bunny arrested: Charged with battery.

How do you keep an Irishman busy? Write P.T.O on both sides of a piece of paper.

“Everyday I beat my own previous record for number of consecutive days I’ve stayed alive.”

Anything’s possible... apart from skiing through a revolving door.

If a job is worth doing well get someone else to do it.

Jack and Jill did it for the insurance.

Ever stop to think and forget to start again?

I arise in the morning torn between a desire to improve the world and a desire to enjoy the world. This makes it hard to plan the day.

When a clock is hungry, it goes back four seconds.

“The generation of random numbers is too important to be left to chance.” — Robert R. Coveyou, Oak Ridge National Laboratory.

Smoking cures weight problems...eventually...

“When in doubt tell the truth.”—Mark Twain

Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?

Programmer – A red-eyed, mumbling mammal capable of conversing with inanimate objects.

He who trains his tongue to quote the learned sages, will be known far and wide as a smart ass.

If I have to work for an idiot, I might as well work for myself.

“Auntie Em: hate you, hate Kansas, taking the dog.” – Dorothy

Work: It isn’t just for sleeping anymore.

Living is not worth dying for.

There are 3 kinds of people: those who can count and those who can’t.

“I’d rather have a bottle in front of me, than a frontal lobotomy”. — Tom Waits

As long as there are tests, there will be prayer in public schools.

Never go to a doctor whose office plants have died.

If it’s true that we are here to help others, then what exactly are the others here for?

Lord, if you won’t make me skinny, please make all my friends fat.

I’m not afraid of heights, only widths.

I married my wife for her looks... but not the ones she’s been giving me lately!

Humour. It is a difficult concept. It is not logical.

A bachelor is a man who comes to work from a different direction each morning.

Whenever I feel like exercise, I lie down until the feeling passes.

Restarting System - Mouse Moved

Marathon runners with bad footwear suffer the agony of defeat.

I take everything I can for my kleptomania.

A clean tie attracts the soup of the day.

Partying... oops No Only Parting... sorry

When Chemists die, they barium.

In the beginning, God created earth and rested. Then God created man and rested. Then God created woman. Since then, neither God nor man has rested.

I either want less corruption, or more chance to participate in it.

Where do you find an Irish woodworm? Dead inside a brick.

“I have left orders to be awakened at any time in case of national emergency – even if I’m in a Cabinet meeting.” – Ronald Reagan

Succeed in spite of management. Aim Low; Reach Your Goals, Avoid Disappointment.

Women like silent men. They think they’re listening.

He’s not dead, he’s electroencephalographically challenged.

“Few things are harder to put up with than a good example.”—Mark Twain

“I’ve been on a calendar but I have never been on time” – Marilyn Monroe

Why were the Indians here first? They had reservations.

A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a train stops. On my desk I have a workstation...

“If carrots are so good for the eyes, how come I see so many dead rabbits on the highway?”

Don’t look back. Something may be gaining on you.

If Bill Gates had a nickel for every time Windows crashed... oh wait, he does.

My one regret in life is that I am not someone else.

Get a new car for your spouse – it’ll be a great trade!

After all is said and done, more is said than done.

Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

Ours is a world where people don’t know what they want and are willing to go through hell to get it.

My favorite mythical creature? The honest politician.

Lead us not into temptation. Just tell us where it is; we’ll find it.

Cheerfulness is contagious, but don’t wait to catch it from others. Be a carrier.

If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?

There is nothing so annoying as to have two people go right on talking when you’re interrupting.

If it weren’t for electricity we’d all be watching television by candlelight?

If you want your spouse to listen and pay strict attention to every word you say, talk in your sleep.

Next time you wave, use all your fingers.

“I would like to live in Manchester, England. The transition between Manchester and death would be unnoticeable”. — Mark Twain

When I was young, I could remember anything. Whether it happened or not.

I’d give my right arm to be ambidextrous.

The truth is a precious commodity. That’s why I use it so sparingly.

Hope sees the invisible, feels the intangible and achieves the impossible.

A great many people think they are thinking when they are merely rearranging their prejudices.

Streakers beware: Your end is in sight.

I couldn’t repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.

One should forgive one’s enemies, but not before they are hanged.

Just remember... if the world didn’t suck, we’d all fall off.

If you can stay calm, while all around you is chaos... then you probably haven’t completely understood the situation.

When I’m not in my right mind, my left mind gets pretty crowded

Someone sent me a postcard picture of the earth. On the back it said, “Wish you were here.”

My reality check just bounced.

In a Copenhagen airline ticket office: We take your bags and send them in all directions.

My parents stayed together for forty years, but that was out of spite.

Broken pencils are pointless.

Any task worth doing was worth doing yesterday.

I haven’t spoken to my wife for 18 months: I don’t like to interrupt her.

If it’s 0 degrees today and it’s going to be twice as cold tomorrow... how cold will it be?

I often quote myself; it adds spice to my conversation.

Marriage changes passion... suddenly you’re in bed with a relative.

No problem is so big and complicated that it can’t be ran away from.

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