Amusing Quotes & One-Liners — Ned Martin’s Amused

Amusing Quotes & One-Liners

Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?

Nick Overruled - Democratic Majority Decision

I don’t have an attitude problem. You have a perception problem.

111,111,111 x 111,111,111 = 12,345,678,987,654,321

If you don’t know where you are going, you will wind up somewhere else.

What’s another word for Thesaurus?

“I think there is a world market for maybe five computers.” — Thomas Watson, chairman of IBM, 1943.

Outside of a dog, a book is probably man’s best friend, and inside of a dog, it’s too dark to read.

Men have a much better time of it than women; for one thing, they marry later; for another thing they die earlier.

Hang in there; retirement is only thirty years away.

There are two kinds of people, those who finish what they start, and so on.

“Then he ran into my knife. He ran into my knife ten times.” – Chicago

Laugh at your problems; everybody else does.

If you don’t know where you are going, you might wind up someplace else.

Anywhere is walking distance, if you’ve got the time.

Warning: Dates in Calendar are closer than they appear.

My mind not only wanders, sometimes it leaves completely.

Sex on television can’t hurt you unless you fall off.

Booze is the answer. I don’t remember the question.

Does this smell like chloroform to you?

Youth would be an ideal state if it came a little later in life.

I majored in liberal arts. Will that be for here or to go?

Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy.

Friends may come and go, but enemies accumulate

I heard a man say that brigands demand your money or your life, whereas women require both.

I married Miss Right. I just didn’t know her first name was Always.

There are very few personal problems that cannot be solved through a suitable application of high explosives.

Horn broken. Watch for finger. (on bumper sticker)

Nothing means nothing, but it isn’t really nothing because nothing is something that isn’t.

You have to stay in shape. My grandmother, she started walking five miles a day when she was 60. She’s 97 today and we don’t know where the hell she is.

Laugh and the world laughs with you; snore and you sleep alone.

Man who eat many prunes get good run for money.

Love is blind, but marriage is a real eye-opener.

There is nothing so annoying as to have two people go right on talking when you’re interrupting.

Acupuncture is a jab well done.

Cheer up, the worst is yet to come.

If a job is worth doing well get someone else to do it.

Man who run in front of car get tired.

If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?

Most vegetarians look so much like the food they eat that they can be classified as cannibals.

I have the body of a GOD – Buddha.

Comedy is tragedy plus time.

I’m reading a book about anti-gravity. I can’t put it down.

Consciousness: that annoying time between naps.

If you do not make dust, you eat dust.

Last night I lay in bed looking up at the stars in the sky and I thought to myself, “Where the heck is the ceiling?”

You’re such an inspiration for the way I’ll never choose to be.

Illiterate? Write For Help.

Succeed in spite of management. Aim Low; Reach Your Goals, Avoid Disappointment.

Man who drive like hell bound to get there.

“The generation of random numbers is too important to be left to chance.” — Robert R. Coveyou, Oak Ridge National Laboratory.

Plan to be spontaneous tomorrow.

Don’t use a big word where a diminutive one will suffice.

Not all men are annoying. Some are dead.

If you choke a smurf, what colour does it turn?

Eagles may soar, but weasels don’t get sucked into jet engines.

I have great faith in fools; my friends call it self-confidence.

The man who fell into an upholstery machine is fully recovered.

“Oh dear,” said God, “I hadn’t thought of that,” and promptly vanished in a puff of logic.

If you want a committed man, look in a mental hospital.

A drop of ink may make a million think.

If it’s 0 degrees today and it’s going to be twice as cold tomorrow... how cold will it be?

Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.

I’m not dumb; I just have a command of thoroughly useless information.

I am obviously right, and as you disagree with me, then logically you must be wrong.

Get a new car for your spouse – it’ll be a great trade!

If at first you do succeed, try to hide your astonishment.

“My wife made me join a bridge club. I jump off next Tuesday” — Rodney Dangerfield

Marriage is a three-ring circus: engagement ring, wedding ring, and suffering.

Cluster bombing from B-52s is very, very accurate – the bombs always hit the ground.

If you’re born again, do you have two bellybuttons?

If the human brain were so simple that we could understand it, we would be so simple we couldn’t.

Whenever people agree with me, I always feel I must be wrong.

Artificial Intelligence is no match for Natural Stupidity.

When you do not know what you are doing, do it neatly.

That which cannot be taken apart will fall apart.

Man shoots neighbour with machete [The Miami Herald, July 3]

Without question, the greatest invention in the history of mankind is beer. Oh, I grant you that the wheel was also a fine invention, but the wheel does not go nearly as well with pizza.

I get enough exercise just pushing my luck.

I thought I made a mistake once, but I was wrong.

“Few things are harder to put up with than a good example.”—Mark Twain

Arguing on the Internet is like competing in the Special Olympics – even if you win, you are still retarded.

Every time I look at you I get a fierce desire to be lonesome.

Smith & Wesson — the original point and click interface.

There are three ways to get something done: do it yourself, hire someone, or forbid your kids to do it.

Take my advice, I don’t use it anyway.

In the office of a Roman doctor: Specialist in women and other diseases.

Make sure your mind isn’t so open that your brains fall out.

“Blink your eyelids periodically to lubricate your eyes.” — Page 16 of the HP “Environmental, Health Safety Handbook for Employees”.

“Banking establishments are more dangerous than standing armies”. — Thomas Jefferson

We Quit Voting Will They All Go Away?

I’m sorry; you cannot have an outlook on life because it isn’t responding. Microsoft apologises for any inconvenience.

The trouble with life is there’s no background music.

“A girl phoned me the other day and said... Come on over, there’s nobody home. I went over. Nobody was home” — Rodney Dangerfield

“Managing senior programmers is like herding cats” — Dave Platt.

You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say will be misquoted then used against you.

Every morning is the dawn of a new error.

Snowmen fall from Heaven unassembled.

“How come we choose from just two people to run for president and 50 for Miss America?”

Fundamentalism: Believe in a kind, loving God or we’ll kill you!

A bird does not sing because it has an answer—it sings because it has a song.

I dropped out of communism class because of lousy Marx.

Even paranoids have real enemies.

Knowledge is the key, but where is the damn lock?

If the French were really intelligent, they’d speak English.

I live in my own little world, but it’s ok they know me here.

Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7th of your life.

I married my wife for her looks... but not the ones she’s been giving me lately!

A penny saved is a Congressional spending oversight.

A study in the Washington Post says that women have better verbal skills than men. I just want to say to the authors of that study: “Duh.”— Conan O’Brien

I don’t suffer from stress. I’m a carrier.

If you’re not wasted, the day is.

Foolproof systems don’t take into account the ingenuity of fools.

Time is God’s way of keeping everything from happening at once.

“My computer NEVER loc

Age is an issue of mind over matter. If you don’t mind, it doesn’t matter.

A committee is a body that keeps minutes and wastes hours.

I’m an idealist: I don’t know where I’m going, but I’m on my way.

Shin: a device for finding furniture in the dark.

I started out with nothing, and I still have most of it.

I always wanted to be somebody, but I should have been more specific.

Stupidity is not a handicap! Park somewhere else!

Cab drivers are living proof that practice does not make perfect.

Never put off until tomorrow what you can avoid altogether.

Haunted French pancakes give me the crêpes.

My husband says I never listen to him (at least I think that’s what he said)

Maybe I’m lucky to be going so slowly, because I may be going in the wrong direction.

Early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.

A synonym is a word you use when you can’t spell the word you first thought of.

It’s not hard to meet expenses, they’re everywhere.

Sheep don’t fly so much as plummet.

Confidence is the feeling you have before you understand the situation

What hair color do they put on the driver’s licenses of bald men?

Errors have been made. Others will be blamed.

There are 3 kinds of people: those who can count and those who can’t.

When you come to a fork in the road, take it.

Procrastinate Now!

Character is what you are in the dark.

Why is the third hand on the watch called a second hand?

“You, you and you: panic. The rest of you, come with me.”

Work: It isn’t just for sleeping anymore.

If life was fair, Elvis would be alive and all the impersonators would be dead.

If a man opens a car door for a woman, either the car is new or the woman.

What sane person could live in this world and not be crazy?

Outside a Hong Kong tailor shop: Ladies may have a fit upstairs.

What if there were no hypothetical questions?

I work hard because millions on welfare depend on me.

Don’t look back. Something may be gaining on you.

Did you hear about the cross-eyed teacher who lost her job because she couldn’t control her pupils?

Everybody is ignorant, only on different subjects.

If you’re not confused, you’re not paying attention.

Living is not worth dying for.

I changed my iPod’s name to Titanic. It’s syncing now.

If I were someone who knew something, who could I tell that would believe me?

We are going on a field trip to the Coca-Cola factory. I hope there are no pop quizzes.

Marriage changes passion... suddenly you’re in bed with a relative.

Some people are going to leave a mark on this world, while others will leave a stain.

I’d give my right arm to be ambidextrous.

If money talks, it ain’t on speakin’ terms with me.

Proofread carefully to see if you any words out.

It’s hard to face the problem, when the problem is your face.

Someday we’ll look back on all this and plow into the back of a parked car.

I think, therefore I am single.

I don’t enjoy computer jokes; not one bit.

It’s bad luck to be superstitious.

AIBOHPHOBIA – the fear of palindromes.

Restarting System - Mouse Moved

Being single is like a vacuum. It sucks when you are turned on.

Tip the world over on its side and everything loose will land in Los Angeles.

One should forgive one’s enemies, but not before they are hanged.

What do you call a dinosaur with an extensive vocabulary? A thesaurus.

It has recently been discovered that research causes cancer in rats.

They say if you play a Microsoft CD backwards you hear satanic messages. That’s nothing, if you play it forwards it installs Windows.

My one regret in life is that I am not someone else.

The trouble with jogging is that, by the time you realise you’re not in shape for it, it’s far too far to walk back.

Bachelors have consciences, married men have wives.

If you try and don’t succeed, cheat. Repeat until caught. Then lie.

If olive oil comes from olives, where does baby oil come from?

To succeed in politics, it is often necessary to rise above your principles.

I intend to live forever – so far, so good.

According to recent study someone is run over by a car every 5 minutes in the city. You’d think the guy would have enough sense to get out of the street.

I did a theatrical performance about puns. It was a play on words.

Eagles may soar, but weasels don’t get sucked into jet engines.

God must love stupid people, he made so many.

Leftists are among the first to speak of their rights.

If you want your spouse to listen and pay strict attention to every word you say, talk in your sleep.

Accept that some days you’re the pigeon, and some days you’re the statue.

This mind intentionally left blank

“A patriot must always be ready to defend his country against his government”. — Edward Abbey

“As a matter of fact” is an expression that precedes many an expression that isn’t.

Keyboard not detected. Press F1 to continue

I take everything I can for my kleptomania.

I was at a bar nursing a beer. My nipple was getting quite soggy.

Life is far too important to be taken seriously.

If at first you don’t succeed, try, try again. Then quit. There’s no use being a damned fool about it.

Why is it that doctors call what they do “practice”?

The light at the end of the tunnel has been turned off due to budget cuts.

System Error - Windows Loaded

This Would Be Really Funny If It Weren’t Happening To Me.

Two strings walk into a bar. The first string says to the bartender, “Bartender, I’ll have a beer. u.5n$x5t?*&4ru!2[sACCErJ”. The second string says, “Pardon my friend, he isn’t NULL terminated”.

To B or not to B? *kills the B* I HATE BEES!!!! – LynxofCP

In a Budapest zoo: Please do not feed the animals. If you have any suitable food, give it to the guard on duty.

A pessimist is a man who has been compelled to live with an optimist

Latest survey shows that 3 out of 4 people make up 75% of the world’s population.

“C++ : Where friends have access to your private members.” — Gavin Russell Baker.

I stayed up all night to see where the sun went. Then it dawned on me.

Birthdays are good for you. Statistics show that the people who have the most live the longest.

Under capitalism, man exploits man. Under Communism, it’s just the opposite.

Ours is a world where people don’t know what they want and are willing to go through hell to get it.

Blessed are the young, for they shall inherit the national debt.

Does your train of thought have a caboose?

I arise in the morning torn between a desire to improve the world and a desire to enjoy the world. This makes it hard to plan the day.

Everything you like is bad for you in some way.

Experience is simply the name we give our mistakes.

At the age of six I wanted to be a cook. At seven I wanted to be Napoleon. And my ambition has been growing steadily ever since.

Where there’s a will, I want to be in it.

No sense being pessimistic, it probably wouldn’t work anyway.

My life has a superb cast but I can’t figure out the plot.

You have the right to your opinions. I just don’t want to hear them.

I’m an apathetic sociopath – I’d kill you if I cared.

Stupidity is not a handicap. Park elsewhere!

If everything is coming your way, you are probably in the wrong lane.

Modesty is a virtue of fools.

A dyslexic man walks into a bra.

Everything is possible; just not too probable.

I installed a skylight in my apartment. The people who live above me are furious.

Never put both feet in your mouth at the same time, because then you don’t have a leg to stand on.

Confidence is the feeling you have before you understand the situation.

Being a philosopher, I have a problem for every solution.

Don’t take life too seriously—you’ll never get out of it alive.

Life... I don’t get it...

“If carrots are so good for the eyes, how come I see so many dead rabbits on the highway?”

In this world, nothing is certain but death and taxes. – Benjamin Franklin

A diplomatic husband said to his wife, how do you expect me to remember your birthday when you never look any older?

Statistics are like bikinis – What they reveal is suggestive, but what they conceal is vital.

Anyone who told you to be yourself couldn’t have given you worse advice.

I don’t have a solution but I admire the problem.

It is said that if you line up all the cars in the world end to end, someone would be stupid enough to try and pass them.

I have kleptomania, but when it gets bad, I take something for it. ~ Robert Benchle

A bachelor is a man who comes to work from a different direction each morning.

An egotist is a person of low taste—more interested in himself than in me.

Sheep don’t fly so much as plummet.

There are only three kinds of people; people who can count and people who can’t.

“I could tell that my parents hated me. My bath toys were a toaster and a radio” — Rodney Dangerfield

“You start coding. I’ll go find out what they want.” — Computer analyst to programmer

I’d like to see things your way, but I’m looking in another direction.

Democracy is a process by which people are free to choose the man who will get the blame.

Good judgement comes from experience. Experience comes from bad judgement.

I love cats – they taste just like chicken.

Early to rise, early to bed, makes a man healthy but socially dead.

I didn’t like my beard at first. Then it grew on me.

Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

The fellow who thinks he knows it all is especially annoying to those of us who do.

“The object of war is not to die for your country but to make the other bastard die for his.” – General George Patton

“There are only two things that are infinite: the universe and human stupidity. And I’m not sure about the universe.” A. Einstein

Moderation in all things, including moderation.

Allow me to introduce my selves.

I always wanted to be a procrastinator, never got around to it though.

People can be divided into three groups: Those who make things happen, those who watch things happen, and those who wonder what happened.

In the beginning, there was nothing. Then God said, “Let there be light,” and there was still nothing, but you could see it.

If you can’t beat your computer at chess, try kickboxing.

I’m desperately trying to figure out why kamikaze pilots wore helmets.

Optimists believe we live on the greatest world. Pessimists believe this is true.

Never argue with an idiot. They drag you down to their level then beat you with experience.

Being in the army is like being in the Boy Scouts, except that the Boy Scouts have adult supervision.

I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.

History will be kind to me for I intend to write it. – Winston Churchill

I tried to photograph the fog, but I mist.

The dictionary is the only place where success comes before work.

Don’t marry for money. You can borrow it cheaper.

Go the extra mile. It makes your boss look like an incompetent slacker.

In the beginning, God created earth and rested. Then God created man and rested. Then God created woman. Since then, neither God nor man has rested.

I am not a vegetarian because I love animals; I am a vegetarian because I hate plants.

I’m out of my mind, but feel free to leave a message.

Money is better than poverty, if only for financial reasons.

What Has Four Legs And An Arm? A Happy Pit Bull.

The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.

Mines are equal opportunity weapons.


Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don’t.

The chance of a piece of bread falling with the buttered side down is directly proportional to the cost of the carpet.

A conclusion is simply the place where you got tired of thinking.

If quizzes are quizzical, what are tests?

This guy walks into a bar and the barman says “Ouch, that must have hurt”

Help Wanted: Telepath. You know where to apply.

“You have to be careful about being too careful” – Beryl Pfizer

How did Moses make his tea? Hebrews it.

Perhaps you’re diagonally parked in a parallel universe?

When all other means of communication fail, try words.

Be thankful for problems. If they were less difficult, someone with less ability might have your job.

He’s so lazy. I’ve seen him step into a revolving door and wait.

If you can’t convince them, confuse them.

My reality check just bounced.

Save the whales. Collect the whole set.

It is a fitting irony that under Richard Nixon, ‘launder’ became a dirty word.

People don’t grow up; they just learn how to act in public.

Don’t use a big word where a diminutive one will suffice.

Hard work never killed anybody but why take the chance?

“Always in motion the future is. Seasick it makes me. That’s why so green I am”. – Yoda

If we don’t succeed, we run the risk of failure.

By the time a man realises that his father was right, he has a son who thinks he’s wrong.

We must believe in free will, we have no choice.

If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?

If you don’t know why I’m mad at you, then I’m certainly not going to tell you

If Bill Gates had a nickel for every time Windows crashed... oh wait, he does.

Everyone hates me because I’m paranoid.

Authority makes some people grow – and others just swell.

The illegal we do immediately. The unconstitutional takes a little longer. – Henry Kissinger

Nobody can be exactly like me. Even I have trouble doing it.

How do you get an Irishman to burn his ear? Ring him up while he is ironing.

He often broke into song because he couldn’t find the key.

Some people are alive only because it’s illegal to kill them.

We’ve made great medical progress in the last generation. What used to be merely an itch is now an allergy.

Show me a piano falling down a mineshaft and I’ll show you A-flat minor.

In a Rome laundry: Ladies, leave your clothes here and spend the afternoon having a good time.

Alcohol: the cause of, and solution to, all of life’s problems.

It is wiser to find out than to suppose.—Mark Twain

“If women didn’t exist, all the money in the world would have no meaning.” – Aristotle Onassis

Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?

How do you spot an Irishman at a carwash? He’s the one on the bike.

One good thing about repeating your mistakes is that you know when to cringe.

They told me I had type A blood, but it was a Type O

I love deadlines. I especially like the whooshing sound they make as they go flying by.

It’s just a job. Grass grows, birds fly, waves pound the sand. I just beat people up. – Muhammad Ali

Ninety-nine per cent of the people in the world are fools and the rest of us are in great danger of contagion.

I used to think I was indecisive, but now I’m not sure.

The trouble with the rat race is that even if you win, you’re still a rat.

Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.

Slow is when someone laps you in the hundred-yard dash

I don’t want to achieve immortality through my work. I want to achieve immortality through not dying.

Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying of nothing.

TEAMWORK... means never having to take all the blame yourself.

Men are from earth. Women are from earth. Deal with it.

Quantum mechanics: The dreams stuff is made of.

I haven’t spoken to my wife for 18 months: I don’t like to interrupt her.

Advertisement for donkey rides in Thailand: Would you like to ride on your own ass?

Even crime wouldn’t pay if the government ran it.

“Thinking is the hardest work there is, which is probably why so few engage in it”. — Henry Ford

Where do you find an Irish woodworm? Dead inside a brick.

You can’t have everything. Where would you put it?

It is a small world, but I wouldn’t like to have to paint it.

I’m quite easy to get along with, once you learn to beckon at my every call and yield to all my desires.

Some pain is physical, and some is mental, but one that’s both is dental.

It used to be only death and taxes were inevitable. Now, of course, there’s shipping and handling, too.

Brilliant, but with the social skills of a thermonuclear device.

Why were the Indians here first? They had reservations.

“He has been given a large brain by mistake, since for him the spinal cord would fully suffice.” — Albert Einstein

Hypochondria is the only disease I haven’t got.

“I worked in a pet shop and people kept asking how big I’d get” — Rodney Dangerfield

The things that come to those that wait may be the things left by those who got there first.

Honesty is the best policy, but insanity is a better defence.

Venison for dinner again? Oh deer!

A backwards poet writes inverse.

Half of being smart is knowing what you are dumb at.

Seen it all, done it all, can’t remember most of it.

I spent most of my money on booze, drugs and women... The rest I wasted!

Technology is a way of organizing the universe so that man doesn’t have to experience it.

One good turn gets most of the blankets.

Ever stop to think and forget to start again?

Just because you’re not paranoid doesn’t mean they’re not out to get you.

Men’s faults are many, women have only two. Everything they say, and everything they do.

Legend: a lie that has attained the dignity of age.

How Many Roads Must A Man Travel Down Before He Admits He Is Lost?

I think animal testing is a terrible idea; they get all nervous and give the wrong answers.

If you don’t learn to laugh at troubles, you won’t have anything to laugh at when you grow old.

I used to think I was indecisive, but now I’m not sure.

Man does not live by words alone, despite the fact that sometimes he has to eat them.

Raising teenagers is like trying to nail Jell-O to a tree.

The most powerful force in the universe is gossip.

A great many people think they are thinking when they are merely rearranging their prejudices.

I don’t suffer from stress. I’m a carrier.

There’s a difference between being open-minded and having a hole in your head

“You can always count on Americans to do the right thing—after they’ve tried everything else” – Winston Churchill

Instead of getting married again, I’m going to find a woman I don’t like and just give her a house.—Rod Stewart

The dumber people think you are, the more surprised they’re going to be when you kill them—Rodney Dangerfield

How do I set a laser printer to stun?

Bachelors know more about women than married men; if they didn’t they’d be married too.

My mind works like lightning. One brilliant flash and it is gone.

So Many Pedestrians – So Little Time.

It’s not true that married men live longer than single men. It only seems longer.

Where you stand depends on where you sit.

If we learn by our mistakes, some of us are getting one hell of an education!

Killed - Personality Incompatibility

A day without sun shine is like, you know, night.

Cleverly Disguised As A Responsible Adult.

Applying computer technology is simply finding the right wrench to pound in the correct screw.

Blessed are those who can laugh at themselves, they will never cease to be amused.

You’ll never get to heaven if you’re scared of getting high.

In a Tokyo shop: Our nylons cost more than common, but you’ll find they are best in the long run.

One day I will get this peer guy and reset his connection.

“Life is a waste of time, time is a waste of life, so get wasted all of the time and have the time of your life”. — Tom Waits

If I’d known I was going to live this long, I’d have taken better care of myself.

The day I can’t do my job drunk is the day I turn in my badge and gun.

Don’t stop to stomp on ants when the elephants are stampeding.

I took a speed reading course and read ‘War and Peace’ in twenty minutes. It involves Russia. Enough women for four.

My parents stayed together for forty years, but that was out of spite.

Always remember you’re unique, just like everyone else.

Isn’t having a smoking section in a restaurant like having a peeing section in a swimming pool?

Only a fool is astonished by the foolishness of humankind.

Next time you wave, use all your fingers.

Despite the cost of living it’s still very popular.

For Sale: Parachute. Only used once, never opened, small stain.

“The best thing about the future is that it comes only one day at a time.” – Abraham Lincoln

If we aren’t supposed to eat animals, why are they made of meat?

A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat.

Impotence: Nature’s Way Of Saying “No Hard Feelings”.

Quantum: Noun, word used to sound like I know what I’m talking about while discussing physics I’ve never actually studied.

To define recursion, we must first define recursion.

Any task worth doing was worth doing yesterday.

When Chemists die, they barium.

Originality is the fine art of remembering what you hear, but forgetting where you heard it.

“They say hard work never hurt anybody, but I figure why take the chance.” – Ronald Reagan

I can resist everything except temptation.

I don’t meet competition. I crush it

Just remember... if the world didn’t suck, we’d all fall off.

“I’d rather have a bottle in front of me, than a frontal lobotomy”. — Tom Waits

How do you keep an Irishman busy? Write P.T.O on both sides of a piece of paper.

It’s strange, isn’t it. You stand in the middle of a library and go aaaaagghhhh’ and everyone just stares at you. But you do the same thing on an aeroplane, and everyone joins in.

I Haven’t Lost My Mind, It’s Backed Up On Disk Somewhere.

Years ago fairy tales began with “Once upon a time...” Now it’s “If I am elected...”

Lead us not into temptation. Just tell us where it is; we’ll find it.

England has no kidney bank, but it does have a Liverpool.

Heck is where people go who don’t believe in gosh.

If con is the opposite of pro, congress is the opposite of progress.

Jokes about German sausage are the wurst.

If trees could scream, would we be so cavalier about cutting them down? We might, if they screamed all the time, for no good reason.

A dog that attends a flea circus most likely will steal the whole show.

Jokes about German sausage are the wurst.

Love is like an hourglass, with the heart filling up as the brain empties.

On a tombstone: I TOLD YOU I WAS SICK

If automobiles had followed the same development cycle as the computer, a Rolls Royce would today cost $100, get a million miles per gallon, and explode once a year, killing everyone inside.

I often quote myself; it adds spice to my conversation.

I used to be a banker, but then I lost interest.

For people who like peace and quiet – a phoneless cord.

Military intelligence is a contradiction in terms.

Tips for Vegetarians: Hit a chicken enough times and it turns into a vegetable.

The earthquake in Washington obviously was the government’s fault.

Is there life before death?

An army of deer led by a lion is more to be feared than an army of lions led by a deer.

When in doubt, mumble.

Murphy’s Golden Rule: Whoever has the gold makes the rules.

Am I getting smart with you? How would you know?

“War does not determine who is right - only who is left.” – Bertrand Russell

If ever I get married again it would have to be under an anaesthetic.

Englishmen never will be slaves: they are free to do whatever the Government and public opinion allow them to do.

To err is human – and to blame it on a computer is even more so.

This comment is printed on 100% recycled electrons.

Remember half the people you know are below average.

Humour. It is a difficult concept. It is not logical.

A conscience does not prevent sin. It only prevents you from enjoying it.

Needing someone is like needing a parachute. If he isn’t there the first time you need him, chances are you won’t be needing him again.

From the moment I picked your book up until I laid it down I was convulsed with laughter. Some day I intend reading it.

Remember the teakettle; though up to its neck in hot water, it continues to sing.

If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?

Cole’s Law: Thinly sliced cabbage.

A procrastinator’s work is never done.

In a Norwegian cocktail lounge: Ladies are requested not to have children in the bar.

Someone sent me a postcard picture of the earth. On the back it said, “Wish you were here.”

I wondered why the baseball was getting bigger. Then it hit me.

Anything not nailed down is mine. Anything I can pry loose is not nailed down.

Eschew obfuscation.

The art of flying is to throw yourself at the ground and miss.

I don’t approve of political jokes... I’ve seen too many of them get elected.

Roses are red, Violets are blue. In Soviet Russia, Poems write you.

What’s the definition of a will? (It’s a dead giveaway).

Politicians are people who, when they see the light at the end of the tunnel, go out and buy more tunnel.

Half our life is spent trying to find something to do with the time we have rushed through life trying to save.

Eat a live toad first thing in the morning, and nothing worse can happen to you the rest of the day.

Democracy is a government where you can say what you think even if you don’t think.

I wished the buck stopped here, as I could use a few.

Work expands to fill the time available. — PARKINSON’S LAW

Cheerfulness is contagious, but don’t wait to catch it from others. Be a carrier.

I was the next door kid’s imaginary friend.

The sooner you fall behind the more time you’ll have to catch up.

At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be “What is hell?” Come early and listen to our choir practice.

“I have never let my schooling interfere with my education.”—Mark Twain

The number of people watching you is directly proportional to the stupidity of your action.

“I am not worried about the deficit. It is big enough to take care of itself.” – Ronald Reagan

Santa’s helpers are subordinate clauses.

Insanity is hereditary; you can get it from your children.

There is no such thing as an underestimate of average intelligence

“I would like to live in Manchester, England. The transition between Manchester and death would be unnoticeable”. — Mark Twain

I love work; it fascinates me; I can sit and watch it for hours.

PMS jokes aren’t funny. Period.

When I was a boy I was told that anybody could become president; I’m beginning to believe it.

I’ve always wanted to be normal, but lately I’ve come to suspect that this is it.

“Hey, I’ve got reasons for what I’m doing,” REALLY MEANS, “I sure hope I think of some pretty soon.”

“People who drink light beer don’t like the taste of beer; they just like to pee a lot” — Rodney Dangerfield

Borrow money from pessimists- they don’t expect to get it back.

Climbers aim for the summit because it is there. Bungi jumpers dive off the top because they aren’t all there.

If I have to work for an idiot, I might as well work for myself.

It is well to remember the entire population of the universe, with one trifling exception, is composed of others.

Gossip: The art of saying nothing while leaving nothing unsaid.

I am free of all prejudices. I hate everyone equally.

Caution – Driver Legally Blonde!

A cartoonist was found dead in his home. Details are sketchy.

I’d explain it to you, but your brain would explode.

“I’ve been on a calendar but I have never been on time” – Marilyn Monroe

I love being married. It’s so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.

Anything that can become tangled around something else, will.

If you can’t dazzle them with brilliance... just baffle them with bullsh*t.

I’ve been trying for some time to develop a life style that doesn’t require my presence.

Plagiarism saves time.

My girlfriend told me I should be more affectionate. So I got two more girlfriends.

Solitude is fine, but you need someone to tell you that solitude is fine.

Compromise: the art of dividing a cake so that everybody believes he or she got the biggest piece.

When in trouble, fear or doubt, run in circles, scream and shout.

There’s a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot.

Computers make it easy to do a lot of things, but most of the things that make it easier to do don’t need to be done.

I stayed up all night to see where the sun went. Then it dawned on me.

You can say any foolish thing to a dog, and the dog will give you a look that says, “My God, you’re right! I never would’ve thought of that!”

I used to be apathetic, but now I don’t give a damn.

The most precious thing we have is life. Yet it has absolutely no trade-in value.

I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.

If you can’t be kind, at least have the decency to be vague.

Just because your head is the biggest doesn’t mean it contains the right ideas.

“Einstein argued that there must be simplified explanations of nature, because God is not capricious or arbitrary. No such faith comforts the software engineer.” — Fred Brooks.

“If builders built buildings the way programmers write programs, then the first woodpecker that came along would destroy civilization” — Weinberg’s Second Law.

Before you give a colleague a piece of your mind, be sure you can spare it.

An Apple a day keeps the doctor away. But... an onion a day keeps everyone away.

Some people say that I must be a horrible person, but that’s not true. I have the heart of a young boy – in a jar on my desk.

Mind like a steel trap – rusty and illegal in most states.

Red Tape Holds Up New Bridge!

The amount of work to be done increases in proportion to the amount of work already completed. — VAIL’S SECOND AXIOM

Bacteria: the only culture some people have.

Why don’t you ever see the headline “Psychic Wins Lottery”?

If at first you don’t succeed, try management.

Age is a very high price to pay for maturity.

Experience is something you do not get until just after you need it.

The sooner you fall behind the more time you’ll have to catch up.

“Things are more like they are now than they ever were before.” – Former U.S. President Dwight D. Eisenhower

The human brain is a wonderful thing. It starts working the moment you are born, and never stops until you stand up to speak in public.

The more time you spend in reporting on what you are doing, the less time you have to do it in. Stability is achieved when you spend all your time doing nothing but reporting on the nothing you are doing.

It is even harder for the average ape to believe that he has descended from man.

If someone with multiple personalities threatens suicide... is it considered a hostage situation?

99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.

e=mc^2 where m = the number of cooks required to spoil the broth

“How can a president not be an actor?” – when asked “How could an actor become president?” – Ronald Reagan

Of course, we are all worms—but I like to think, at least, that I am a glow-worm. – Winston Churchill

I fear my inferiority complex is not as good as yours.

I generally avoid temptation unless I can’t resist it.

The truth is a precious commodity. That’s why I use it so sparingly.

To find out a girl’s faults, praise her to her girl friends.

Money is flat and meant to be piled up. – Scottish Proverb

Once, during prohibition, I was forced to live for days on nothing but food and water.

He who smiles in a crisis has found someone to blame.

In a Copenhagen airline ticket office: We take your bags and send them in all directions.

Better to remain silent and be thought a fool, than to speak and remove all doubt.

A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a train stops. On my desk I have a workstation...

Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.

Well if this is the wrong number, why did you answer it?

I plead contemporary insanity.

Mental Floss prevents Moral Decay.

As long as there are tests, there will be prayer in public schools.

The shortest distance between two points is under construction.

Why do we wash bath towels, aren’t we clean when we use them?

An Irish man was driving to the airport when he saw a sign saying ‘Airport – Left’... So he went home.

Time is a great teacher, but unfortunately it kills all its pupils.

Pick your friends but not to pieces.

Macho Law prohibits me from admitting I’m wrong.

Democracy is the recurrent suspicion that more than half of the people are right more than half of the time.

Connection Reset By Aboriginal With Wire Cutters

I took an IQ test and the results were negative.

“Auntie Em: hate you, hate Kansas, taking the dog.” – Dorothy

Time flies like an arrow – fruit flies like a banana.

Age is a question of mind over matter. If you don’t mind, it don’t matter.

Somewhere on this globe, every ten seconds, is a woman giving birth to a child. She must be found and stopped.

The difference between a stepping-stone and a stumbling block can be when you see it.

I’m not into working out. My philosophy: No pain, no pain.

After all is said and done, more is said than done.

Anyone can admit they were wrong; the true test is admitting it to someone else.

How do you know if a fish is Irish? It has drowned.

“Are you going to come quietly, or do I have to use earplugs?”—Vale Spike Milligan

“This report, by its very length, defends itself against the risk of being read”. — Winston Churchill

Connection Reset - Insufficient Electrons

One martini is all right, two is too many, and three is not enough.

If a President doesn’t do it to his wife, he’ll do it to his country.

I am a nobody, nobody is perfect, therefore I’m perfect.

When I’m not in my right mind, my left mind gets pretty crowded

Why is it that to stop Windows, you have to click on “Start”?

The surprising thing about young fools is how many survive to become old fools.

The secret of success is sincerity. Once you can fake that you’ve got it made.

Always do sober what you said you’d do drunk. That will teach you to keep your mouth shut.

“I’ve noticed that everyone who is for abortion has already been born.” – Ronald Reagan

I like to start my periods with sentences.

My husband and I divorced over religious differences... He thought he was God and I didn’t.

I want to die peacefully in my sleep like my grandfather, not screaming in abject horror like his passengers.

Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.

The early bird gets the worm, but the early worm gets eaten.

We spend the first twelve months of our children’s lives teaching them to walk and talk and the next twelve telling them to sit down and shut up.

Broken pencils are pointless.

Plato is dead, Einstein is dead, and I’m not feeling too good myself...

All the toilets in New York’s police stations have been stolen. The police have nothing to go on.

Sometimes I think the surest sign that intelligent life exists elsewhere in the universe is that none of it has tried to contact us.

“Always be sincere, even when you don’t mean it”. — Irene Peter

If you can’t convince them, confuse them.

If the world should blow itself up, the last audible voice would be that of an expert saying it can’t be done.

Whenever there is any doubt, there is no doubt.

When your IQ reaches 80 –– sell.

Who is General Failure and why is he reading my hard disk?

Genius is 1% inspiration, and 99% perspiration.

I tried sniffing Coke once, but the ice cubes got stuck in my nose.

They say you only use ten percent of your brain. What about the other ten?

Energizer Bunny arrested: Charged with battery.

I used up all my sick days, so I’m calling in dead.

Two signs from a Majorcan shop entrance: English well speaking / Here speeching American.

When angry count four, when very angry, swear.

Whenever I feel like exercise, I lie down until the feeling passes.

In elementary school, in case of fire, you have to line up quietly in a single file line from smallest to tallest. What is the logic? Do tall people burn slower?

“Everyday I beat my own previous record for number of consecutive days I’ve stayed alive.”

There are two types of people in this world, good and bad. The good sleep better, but the bad seem to enjoy the waking hours much more.

I wonder how much deeper would the ocean be without sponges.

You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They left a little note on the windscreen, it said ‘Parking Fine.’

A guy got arrested for playing the guitar. He was fingering a minor.

I have gone to look for myself, if I should return before I get back, keep me here.

I can please only one person per day. Today is not your day. Tomorrow isn’t looking good either.

I know a guy who is addicted to brake fluid. He says he can stop anytime.

It’s important to be open-minded, but not SO open-minded that your brains fall out.

He’s not dead, he’s electroencephalographically challenged.

Support bacteria – they’re the only culture some people have.

“When in doubt tell the truth.”—Mark Twain

It’s not that I’m afraid to die; I just don’t want to be there when it happens.

Chaos, panic, & disorder – my work here is done.

A bargain is something you don’t need at a price you can’t resist.

If vegetable oil comes from vegetables, where does baby oil come from?

We have two ends. One for sitting and one for thinking. Our success depends on which one we use most.

When you are arguing with an idiot, make sure the other person isn’t doing the same thing.

Remember... Marriage is the number one cause of divorce. Statistically, 100% of all divorces started with marriage.

A hangover is the wrath of grapes.

I had amnesia once or twice.

In democracy it’s your vote that counts. In feudalism it’s your count that votes.

“Heavier-than-air flying machines are impossible.” — Lord Kelvin, president, Royal Society, 1895.

If At First You Don’t Succeed... Blame Someone Else And Seek Counseling.

I envy people who drink – at least they know what to blame everything on.

Abel Tasman on discovering Tasmania, “Too far south for spices and too close to the rim of the earth to be inhabited by anything but freaks and monsters”

I either want less corruption, or more chance to participate in it.

Never underestimate the power of very stupid people in large groups.

Success always occurs in private, and failure in full public view.

I think that’s how Chicago got started. A bunch of people in New York said, “Gee, I’m enjoying the crime and the poverty, but it just isn’t cold enough. Let’s go west.”—Richard Jeni

Get even – live long enough to be a problem to your kids.

A baby sitter is a teenager acting like an adult while the adults are out acting like teenagers.

You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.

If sex is such a natural phenomenon, how come there are so many books on how to do it.

Constipated People Don’t Give A Crap.

The only perfect science is hindsight.

I like kids, but I don’t think I could eat a whole one.

“There is no reason anyone would want a computer in their home.” — Ken Olson, founder of Digital Equipment Corp., 1977.

Why is it called tourist season if we can’t shoot at them?

You look like a million dollars. All green and wrinkled.

Everybody lies, but it doesn’t matter since nobody listens.

“Inconceivable!” “I do not think that word means what you think it means.”

Honk if you love peace and quiet.

I guess traffic in the city is improving a little. Yesterday, I drove clear across town and only had to shave twice.

When you get a bladder infection, urine trouble.

It’s easy to quit smoking... I’ve done it over 10,000 times.

All my life, I always wanted to be somebody. Now I see that I should have been more specific.

Shin: a device for finding furniture in the dark.

How can you come out of a closet if you never went in there in the first place?

The short fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.

I have had more trouble with myself than with any other man I’ve met.

If a woman has to choose between catching a fly ball and saving an infant’s life, she will choose to save the infant’s life without even considering if there is a man on base.—Dave Barry

I used to be a Kleptomaniac, But now I’m taking something for it

IRS: We’ve got what it takes to take what you’ve got.

“On two occasions I have been asked [by members of Parliament!]: ‘Pray, Mr. Babbage, if you put into the machine wrong figures, will the right answers come out ?’ I am not able rightly to apprehend the kind of confusion of ideas that could provoke such a question.” — Charles Babbage.

The second day of a diet is alway easier than the first. By the second day, you’re off it.

Wine divulges truth.

If it’s true that we are here to help others, then what exactly are the others here for?

People who think they know everything are annoying to those of us who do.

Prediction is extremely difficult. Especially about the future.

Time’s fun when you’re having flies... Kermit the Frog

Oh, don’t fuss. I just cut myself. It’s no big deal,” REALLY MEANS, “I have actually severed a limb, but will bleed to death before I admit I’m hurt.”

Anything’s possible... apart from skiing through a revolving door.

The only difference between Genius and Insanity... is success.

When a clock is hungry, it goes back four seconds.

Never go to a doctor whose office plants have died.

If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?

Honest criticism is hard to take, particularly from a relative, a friend, an acquaintance, or a stranger.

There are 10 types of people in the world: Those who understand binary, and those who don’t.

A team effort is a lot of people doing what I say

“Reader, suppose you were an idiot. And suppose you were a member of Congress. But I repeat myself”. — Mark Twain

“Reading computer manuals without the hardware is as frustrating as reading sex manuals without the software.” — Arthur C. Clarke.

Men don’t care what’s on TV. They only care what else is on TV.

Tell me what you need, and I’ll tell you how to get along without it.

On the plus side, death is one of the few things that can be done just as easily as lying down.

I like children. Properly cooked.

Why is the man that invests your money called a broker?

An egotist has one point in his favour – he doesn’t go round talking about other people.

Partying... oops No Only Parting... sorry

If you think nobody cares if you’re alive, try missing a couple of car payments.

I have noticed that the people who are late are often so much jollier that the people who have to wait for them.

Make three correct guesses consecutively and you will establish yourself as an expert.

I hate women because they always know where things are.

Bigamy is having one wife too many. Monogamy is the same. – Oscar Wilde

How do you sink an Irish Submarine? Knock on the hatch.

The trouble with our times is that the future is not what it used to be.

I don’t believe in astrology. I am a Sagittarius and we’re very skeptical. ~ Arthur C. Clarke

It is hard to understand how a cemetery raised its burial charges and blamed it on the cost of living.

Velcro — what a rip off!

Smoking cures weight problems...eventually...

I majored in liberal arts. Will that be for here or to go?

Everybody is somebody else’s weirdo.

Seeing a murder on television...will help work off one’s antagonisms. And if you haven’t any antagonisms, the commercials will give you some.

I thought I wanted a career, turns out I just wanted paychecks.

We waste time, so you don’t have to.

A printer consists of three main parts: the case, the jammed paper tray and the blinking red light

If people concentrated on the really important things in life, there’d be a shortage of fishing poles.

I had some words with my wife, and she had some paragraphs with me.

No problem is so big and complicated that it can’t be ran away from.

Money can’t buy happiness, but it sure makes misery easier to live with.

The beatings will continue until morale improves.

Be kind to your dentist. He has fillings, too.

If at first you don’t succeed, destroy all the evidence that you tried.

“Your mouse has moved. Windows must be restarted for the change to take effect. Reboot now ? [OK]”

Always try to be modest and be proud of it!

One of the greatest labour-saving inventions today is tomorrow.

Conscience is the inner voice warning us that someone may be looking.

Half of the people in the world are below average.

Never buy a car you can’t push.

Doctor, Doctor I keep getting pains in the eye when I drink coffee. Have you tried taking the spoon out?

Sometimes I wake up grumpy; other times I let her sleep

Everybody has a photographic memory. Some don’t have film.

My schoolmates would make love to anything that moved, but I never saw any reason to limit myself.

I Refuse To Have A Battle Of Wits With An Unarmed Person.

I am amazed at radio DJ’s today. I am firmly convinced that AM on my radio stands for Absolute Moron. I will not begin to tell you what FM stands for.

Chipped dishes never break.

“I believe in equality for everyone, except reporters and photographers”. — Gandhi

Lots of people know a good thing the minute the other fellow sees it first.

“I wish everyone was peaceful. Then I could take over the planet with a butter knife”—Dogbert

It is hard enough to remember my opinions, without also remembering my reasons for them!

All men are equal. Some are just more equal than others.

He who laughs last thinks slowest.

Those who can laugh without cause have either found the true meaning of happiness or have gone stark raving mad.

I spilled spot remover on my dog. Now he’s gone.

Well, if I called the wrong number, why did you answer the phone?

If you don’t pay your exorcist you get repossessed.

Pardon my driving, I am reloading.

Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

Hope sees the invisible, feels the intangible and achieves the impossible.

Doctor, Doctor You’ve got to help me – I just can’t stop my hands shaking. Do you drink a lot? Not really – I spill most of it!

There’s a fine line between genius and insanity. I have erased this line.

He does the work of three men: Larry, Moe and Curly.

Brain: an apparatus with which we think we think.

I laugh in the face of danger, except if I’m involved.

It is not my interest to pay the principal, nor my principal to pay the interest.

Anger is only one letter away from danger.

“When you starve with a tiger, the tiger starves last”. — Griffin’s Thought

If all you have is a hammer, everything looks like a nail.

You can always spot a well-informed man – his views are the same as yours.

If it weren’t for electricity we’d all be watching television by candlelight?

Don’t be irreplaceable; if you cannot be replaced, you cannot be promoted.

Men occasionally stumble over the truth, but most of them pick themselves up and hurry off as if nothing had happened. – Winston Churchill

Madness takes its toll. Please have exact change.

A soldier who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran.

A person who smiles in the face of adversity... probably has a scapegoat.

Is Disney World the only people trap operated by a mouse?

Bacteria: the only culture some people have.

It is not what a teenager knows that bothers his parents. It is how he found out.

I used to find him boring until I stopped listening.

If it weren’t for the last minute, nothing would ever get done.

On the other hand you have different fingers.

Marriage is not a word; it is a sentence.

I got a job at a bakery because I kneaded dough.

My favorite mythical creature? The honest politician.

Life is complex: it has real and imaginary parts.

Well, this day was a total waste of makeup.

There are two kinds of people, those who finish what they start, and so on.

What does a clock do when it’s hungry? It goes back four seconds.

“This ‘telephone’ has too many shortcomings to be seriously considered as a means of communication.” — Western Union internal memo, 1876.

The scientific theory I like best is that the rings of Saturn are composed entirely of lost airline luggage.

He who trains his tongue to quote the learned sages, will be known far and wide as a smart ass.

People with narrow minds usually have broad tongues.

Programmer – A red-eyed, mumbling mammal capable of conversing with inanimate objects.

Remember, half the people you know are below average.

All those who believe in psycho kinesis raise my hand.

You’re not drunk if you can lie on the floor without holding on.

As the light changed from red to green to yellow and back to red again, I sat there thinking about life. Was it nothing more than a bunch of honking and yelling? Sometimes it seemed that way.

The only reason some people get lost in thought is because it’s unfamiliar territory.

The best computer is a man, and it’s the only one that can be mass-produced by unskilled labour.

Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way when you criticize them, you are a mile away from them and you have their shoes.

Marathon runners with bad footwear suffer the agony of defeat.

Why does Sea World have a seafood restaurant? I’m halfway through my fish burger and I realize, Oh my gosh... I could be eating a slow learner.

Progress was all right. Only it went on too long.

“Every mighty oak was once just a nut who stood his ground.”

Hemp is a herb. Bush is a dope.

“I have left orders to be awakened at any time in case of national emergency – even if I’m in a Cabinet meeting.” – Ronald Reagan

I don’t necessarily agree with everything I say.

A bird in the hand is safer than one overhead.

Anything not nailed down is a cat toy.

Promises are like babies: fun to make, but hell to deliver.

I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol.

If puns were outlawed, only outlaws would have puns.

I don’t like people who take drugs... Customs Officers for example.

The doctor can bury his mistakes but an architect can only advise his client to plant vines.

Don’t Be Sexist – Broads Hate That.

Streakers beware: Your end is in sight.

Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian any more than going to the garage makes you a car.

On the keyboard of life, always keep one finger on the escape key.

Be careful when reading health books; you may die of a misprint.

When he first ran for office, he appealed to the voters: “I never stole anything in my life. All I ask is a chance.”

Lord, if you won’t make me skinny, please make all my friends fat.

If I were two-faced, would I be wearing this one?

Women like silent men. They think they’re listening.

“#define QUESTION ((bb) || !(bb))” — Shakespeare

I have a simple philosophy. Fill what’s empty. Empty what’s full. Scratch where it itches.

What happens if you get scared half to death twice?

Everyone needs belief in something. I believe I’ll have another beer.

Any ship can be a minesweeper... once.

System Error - Windows Loaded

Best way to get a man to do something, is to suggest they are too old for it.

Don’t talk unless you can improve the silence.

I have spent my whole life looking for the perfect woman, and now I’ve found her. Too bad she’s looking for the perfect man.

It doesn’t matter what temperature the room is; it’s always room temperature.

What do you call a dinosaur with an extensive vocabulary? A thesaurus.

Five out of four people have trouble with fractions.

Vote for the man who promises least; he’ll be the least disappointing.

The world is full of willing people; some willing to work, the rest willing to let them.

Time sneaks up on you like a windshield on a bug.

I couldn’t repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.

When I was young, I could remember anything. Whether it happened or not.

If at first you don’t succeed, skydiving is not your sport.

Age always corresponds inversely to the size of your multivitamin.

This girl said she recognized me from the vegetarian club, but I’d never met herbivore

If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?

“The web is a dominatrix. Every where I turn, I see little buttons ordering me to Submit.” — Nytwind.

Having more money doesn’t make you happier. I have 50 million dollars but I’m just as happy as when I had 48 million. ~ Arnold Schwarzenegger.

I’m not afraid of heights, only widths.

I hope that after I die, people will say of me: “That guy sure owed me a lot of money.”

I’m in no shape to exercise.

Everybody is ignorant, only on different subjects.

A clean tie attracts the soup of the day.

Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?

Before marriage, a man yearns for the woman he loves. After marriage, the ‘Y’ becomes silent.

Youth is a wonderful thing. What a crime to waste it on children.

Some people are alive only because it’s illegal to kill them.

Jack and Jill did it for the insurance.

“There are two major products that come out of Berkeley: LSD and UNIX. We don’t believe this to be a coincidence.” — Jeremy S. Anderson

As a final incentive before giving up a difficult task, try to imagine it successfully accomplished by someone you violently dislike.

Laughing stock: cattle with a sense of humour.

If you can stay calm, while all around you is chaos... then you probably haven’t completely understood the situation.

Be nice to your kids. They’ll choose your nursing home.

A poor excuse is like an old bucket; doesn’t matter what shape it is in, as long as it holds water.

When life hands you a lemon, make lemonade.

Man who run behind car get exhausted.

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