Amusing Quotes & One-Liners

The human brain is a wonderful thing. It starts working the moment you are born, and never stops until you stand up to speak in public.

The world is full of willing people; some willing to work, the rest willing to let them.

I changed my iPod’s name to Titanic. It’s syncing now.

What Has Four Legs And An Arm? A Happy Pit Bull.

If Bill Gates had a nickel for every time Windows crashed... oh wait, he does.

Whenever I feel like exercise, I lie down until the feeling passes.

Cleverly Disguised As A Responsible Adult.

e=mc^2 where m = the number of cooks required to spoil the broth

Everybody is ignorant, only on different subjects.

If money talks, it ain’t on speakin’ terms with me.

If everything is coming your way, you are probably in the wrong lane.

I tried sniffing Coke once, but the ice cubes got stuck in my nose.

Why is it that to stop Windows, you have to click on “Start”?

If at first you don’t succeed, skydiving is not your sport.

Bigamy is having one wife too many. Monogamy is the same. – Oscar Wilde

Warning: Dates in Calendar are closer than they appear.

Partying... oops No Only Parting... sorry

If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?

Despite the cost of living it’s still very popular.

The short fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.

“I would like to live in Manchester, England. The transition between Manchester and death would be unnoticeable”. — Mark Twain

When he first ran for office, he appealed to the voters: “I never stole anything in my life. All I ask is a chance.”

A penny saved is a Congressional spending oversight.

Technology is a way of organizing the universe so that man doesn’t have to experience it.

One day I will get this peer guy and reset his connection.

In the office of a Roman doctor: Specialist in women and other diseases.

“The best thing about the future is that it comes only one day at a time.” – Abraham Lincoln

I used to be a banker, but then I lost interest.

Advertisement for donkey rides in Thailand: Would you like to ride on your own ass?

Any task worth doing was worth doing yesterday.

Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way when you criticize them, you are a mile away from them and you have their shoes.

Plan to be spontaneous tomorrow.

In a Norwegian cocktail lounge: Ladies are requested not to have children in the bar.

Cab drivers are living proof that practice does not make perfect.

If you think nobody cares if you’re alive, try missing a couple of car payments.

Proofread carefully to see if you any words out.

Don’t talk unless you can improve the silence.

Horn broken. Watch for finger. (on bumper sticker)

No problem is so big and complicated that it can’t be ran away from.

I am obviously right, and as you disagree with me, then logically you must be wrong.

In elementary school, in case of fire, you have to line up quietly in a single file line from smallest to tallest. What is the logic? Do tall people burn slower?

You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say will be misquoted then used against you.

Anywhere is walking distance, if you’ve got the time.

Well if this is the wrong number, why did you answer it?

I don’t have a solution but I admire the problem.

We spend the first twelve months of our children’s lives teaching them to walk and talk and the next twelve telling them to sit down and shut up.

Politicians are people who, when they see the light at the end of the tunnel, go out and buy more tunnel.

The trouble with our times is that the future is not what it used to be.

My husband says I never listen to him (at least I think that’s what he said)

When you do not know what you are doing, do it neatly.

I used to think I was indecisive, but now I’m not sure.

Seeing a murder on television...will help work off one’s antagonisms. And if you haven’t any antagonisms, the commercials will give you some.

All those who believe in psycho kinesis raise my hand.

Heck is where people go who don’t believe in gosh.

If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?

Men don’t care what’s on TV. They only care what else is on TV.

“You can always count on Americans to do the right thing—after they’ve tried everything else” – Winston Churchill

I used to find him boring until I stopped listening.

My reality check just bounced.

The only reason some people get lost in thought is because it’s unfamiliar territory.

Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian any more than going to the garage makes you a car.

If someone with multiple personalities threatens suicide... is it considered a hostage situation?

The most precious thing we have is life. Yet it has absolutely no trade-in value.

Modesty is a virtue of fools.

PMS jokes aren’t funny. Period.

So Many Pedestrians – So Little Time.

I spilled spot remover on my dog. Now he’s gone.

“How can a president not be an actor?” – when asked “How could an actor become president?” – Ronald Reagan

I don’t approve of political jokes... I’ve seen too many of them get elected.

No sense being pessimistic, it probably wouldn’t work anyway.

The light at the end of the tunnel has been turned off due to budget cuts.

I have spent my whole life looking for the perfect woman, and now I’ve found her. Too bad she’s looking for the perfect man.

The dumber people think you are, the more surprised they’re going to be when you kill them—Rodney Dangerfield

Just because you’re not paranoid doesn’t mean they’re not out to get you.

Slow is when someone laps you in the hundred-yard dash

Why were the Indians here first? They had reservations.

If you don’t learn to laugh at troubles, you won’t have anything to laugh at when you grow old.

Everyone hates me because I’m paranoid.

Never go to a doctor whose office plants have died.

Don’t use a big word where a diminutive one will suffice.

Accept that some days you’re the pigeon, and some days you’re the statue.

Tips for Vegetarians: Hit a chicken enough times and it turns into a vegetable.

One martini is all right, two is too many, and three is not enough.

What’s the definition of a will? (It’s a dead giveaway).

Anything that can become tangled around something else, will.

I don’t believe in astrology. I am a Sagittarius and we’re very skeptical. ~ Arthur C. Clarke

I have kleptomania, but when it gets bad, I take something for it. ~ Robert Benchle

Next time you wave, use all your fingers.

Don’t take life too seriously—you’ll never get out of it alive.

In the beginning, God created earth and rested. Then God created man and rested. Then God created woman. Since then, neither God nor man has rested.

A poor excuse is like an old bucket; doesn’t matter what shape it is in, as long as it holds water.

I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.

Having more money doesn’t make you happier. I have 50 million dollars but I’m just as happy as when I had 48 million. ~ Arnold Schwarzenegger.

Genius is 1% inspiration, and 99% perspiration.

If I were someone who knew something, who could I tell that would believe me?

A conscience does not prevent sin. It only prevents you from enjoying it.

I often quote myself; it adds spice to my conversation.

Money is flat and meant to be piled up. – Scottish Proverb

Never put off until tomorrow what you can avoid altogether.

My husband and I divorced over religious differences... He thought he was God and I didn’t.

A diplomatic husband said to his wife, how do you expect me to remember your birthday when you never look any older?

A great many people think they are thinking when they are merely rearranging their prejudices.

Legend: a lie that has attained the dignity of age.

Needing someone is like needing a parachute. If he isn’t there the first time you need him, chances are you won’t be needing him again.

The chance of a piece of bread falling with the buttered side down is directly proportional to the cost of the carpet.

Connection Reset - Insufficient Electrons

111,111,111 x 111,111,111 = 12,345,678,987,654,321

In a Tokyo shop: Our nylons cost more than common, but you’ll find they are best in the long run.

Money can’t buy happiness, but it sure makes misery easier to live with.

The scientific theory I like best is that the rings of Saturn are composed entirely of lost airline luggage.

Velcro — what a rip off!

Shin: a device for finding furniture in the dark.

It’s not that I’m afraid to die; I just don’t want to be there when it happens.

Nick Overruled - Democratic Majority Decision

A guy got arrested for playing the guitar. He was fingering a minor.

I wonder how much deeper would the ocean be without sponges.

If olive oil comes from olives, where does baby oil come from?

I don’t suffer from stress. I’m a carrier.

This comment is printed on 100% recycled electrons.

Brilliant, but with the social skills of a thermonuclear device.

Age is an issue of mind over matter. If you don’t mind, it doesn’t matter.

Someday we’ll look back on all this and plow into the back of a parked car.

If puns were outlawed, only outlaws would have puns.

I started out with nothing, and I still have most of it.

What hair color do they put on the driver’s licenses of bald men?

One good turn gets most of the blankets.

I love work; it fascinates me; I can sit and watch it for hours.

In this world, nothing is certain but death and taxes. – Benjamin Franklin

Marathon runners with bad footwear suffer the agony of defeat.

Why is the man that invests your money called a broker?

If I’d known I was going to live this long, I’d have taken better care of myself.

By the time a man realises that his father was right, he has a son who thinks he’s wrong.

I have gone to look for myself, if I should return before I get back, keep me here.

I love cats – they taste just like chicken.

Half our life is spent trying to find something to do with the time we have rushed through life trying to save.

I’d explain it to you, but your brain would explode.

If at first you don’t succeed, try, try again. Then quit. There’s no use being a damned fool about it.

Remember half the people you know are below average.

When you get a bladder infection, urine trouble.

That which cannot be taken apart will fall apart.

How do you get an Irishman to burn his ear? Ring him up while he is ironing.

Englishmen never will be slaves: they are free to do whatever the Government and public opinion allow them to do.

“Managing senior programmers is like herding cats” — Dave Platt.

The dictionary is the only place where success comes before work.

Democracy is a government where you can say what you think even if you don’t think.

It has recently been discovered that research causes cancer in rats.

Best way to get a man to do something, is to suggest they are too old for it.

My parents stayed together for forty years, but that was out of spite.

An egotist has one point in his favour – he doesn’t go round talking about other people.

Remember, half the people you know are below average.

Statistics are like bikinis – What they reveal is suggestive, but what they conceal is vital.

If it weren’t for electricity we’d all be watching television by candlelight?

Jokes about German sausage are the wurst.

Why is it that doctors call what they do “practice”?

“If women didn’t exist, all the money in the world would have no meaning.” – Aristotle Onassis

Early to rise, early to bed, makes a man healthy but socially dead.

IRS: We’ve got what it takes to take what you’ve got.

If it’s true that we are here to help others, then what exactly are the others here for?

I married Miss Right. I just didn’t know her first name was Always.

“People who drink light beer don’t like the taste of beer; they just like to pee a lot” — Rodney Dangerfield

Brain: an apparatus with which we think we think.

I took an IQ test and the results were negative.

Artificial Intelligence is no match for Natural Stupidity.

Isn’t having a smoking section in a restaurant like having a peeing section in a swimming pool?

I got a job at a bakery because I kneaded dough.

I was the next door kid’s imaginary friend.

It is not what a teenager knows that bothers his parents. It is how he found out.

Blessed are those who can laugh at themselves, they will never cease to be amused.

There is no such thing as an underestimate of average intelligence

Good judgement comes from experience. Experience comes from bad judgement.

I’ve been trying for some time to develop a life style that doesn’t require my presence.

He often broke into song because he couldn’t find the key.

If a President doesn’t do it to his wife, he’ll do it to his country.

Everybody has a photographic memory. Some don’t have film.

It is even harder for the average ape to believe that he has descended from man.

If you don’t pay your exorcist you get repossessed.

An Irish man was driving to the airport when he saw a sign saying ‘Airport – Left’... So he went home.

A dyslexic man walks into a bra.

Alcohol: the cause of, and solution to, all of life’s problems.

Leftists are among the first to speak of their rights.

System Error - Windows Loaded

Take my advice, I don’t use it anyway.

Madness takes its toll. Please have exact change.

Honest criticism is hard to take, particularly from a relative, a friend, an acquaintance, or a stranger.

Years ago fairy tales began with “Once upon a time...” Now it’s “If I am elected...”

All the toilets in New York’s police stations have been stolen. The police have nothing to go on.

If you can stay calm, while all around you is chaos... then you probably haven’t completely understood the situation.

The fellow who thinks he knows it all is especially annoying to those of us who do.

Make three correct guesses consecutively and you will establish yourself as an expert.

He’s not dead, he’s electroencephalographically challenged.

Anything not nailed down is mine. Anything I can pry loose is not nailed down.

Did you hear about the cross-eyed teacher who lost her job because she couldn’t control her pupils?

Democracy is a process by which people are free to choose the man who will get the blame.

I did a theatrical performance about puns. It was a play on words.

Conscience is the inner voice warning us that someone may be looking.

A conclusion is simply the place where you got tired of thinking.

“The web is a dominatrix. Every where I turn, I see little buttons ordering me to Submit.” — Nytwind.

In the beginning, there was nothing. Then God said, “Let there be light,” and there was still nothing, but you could see it.

A procrastinator’s work is never done.

A soldier who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran.

Hang in there; retirement is only thirty years away.

If you don’t know why I’m mad at you, then I’m certainly not going to tell you

Of course, we are all worms—but I like to think, at least, that I am a glow-worm. – Winston Churchill

Two signs from a Majorcan shop entrance: English well speaking / Here speeching American.

I tried to photograph the fog, but I mist.

Never argue with an idiot. They drag you down to their level then beat you with experience.

Love is like an hourglass, with the heart filling up as the brain empties.

It is a small world, but I wouldn’t like to have to paint it.

Borrow money from pessimists- they don’t expect to get it back.

He’s so lazy. I’ve seen him step into a revolving door and wait.

Illiterate? Write For Help.

If we learn by our mistakes, some of us are getting one hell of an education!

In a Copenhagen airline ticket office: We take your bags and send them in all directions.

The truth is a precious commodity. That’s why I use it so sparingly.

A bird in the hand is safer than one overhead.

It is well to remember the entire population of the universe, with one trifling exception, is composed of others.

There are 3 kinds of people: those who can count and those who can’t.

“Life is a waste of time, time is a waste of life, so get wasted all of the time and have the time of your life”. — Tom Waits

Shin: a device for finding furniture in the dark.

“There is no reason anyone would want a computer in their home.” — Ken Olson, founder of Digital Equipment Corp., 1977.

Marriage is a three-ring circus: engagement ring, wedding ring, and suffering.

There is nothing so annoying as to have two people go right on talking when you’re interrupting.

Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?

If At First You Don’t Succeed... Blame Someone Else And Seek Counseling.

Not all men are annoying. Some are dead.

I’m reading a book about anti-gravity. I can’t put it down.

Without question, the greatest invention in the history of mankind is beer. Oh, I grant you that the wheel was also a fine invention, but the wheel does not go nearly as well with pizza.

99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.

“Things are more like they are now than they ever were before.” – Former U.S. President Dwight D. Eisenhower

I plead contemporary insanity.

The only perfect science is hindsight.

I intend to live forever – so far, so good.

The more time you spend in reporting on what you are doing, the less time you have to do it in. Stability is achieved when you spend all your time doing nothing but reporting on the nothing you are doing.

“My computer NEVER loc

“This ‘telephone’ has too many shortcomings to be seriously considered as a means of communication.” — Western Union internal memo, 1876.

There are two kinds of people, those who finish what they start, and so on.

“My wife made me join a bridge club. I jump off next Tuesday” — Rodney Dangerfield

Character is what you are in the dark.

Anyone can admit they were wrong; the true test is admitting it to someone else.

Half of the people in the world are below average.

You’ll never get to heaven if you’re scared of getting high.

If you’re not wasted, the day is.

When angry count four, when very angry, swear.

Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy.

When all other means of communication fail, try words.

Jack and Jill did it for the insurance.

Be thankful for problems. If they were less difficult, someone with less ability might have your job.

Bachelors know more about women than married men; if they didn’t they’d be married too.

Why do we wash bath towels, aren’t we clean when we use them?

Being in the army is like being in the Boy Scouts, except that the Boy Scouts have adult supervision.

On the plus side, death is one of the few things that can be done just as easily as lying down.

Sex on television can’t hurt you unless you fall off.

Plagiarism saves time.

On a tombstone: I TOLD YOU I WAS SICK

Always do sober what you said you’d do drunk. That will teach you to keep your mouth shut.

I heard a man say that brigands demand your money or your life, whereas women require both.

Broken pencils are pointless.

I love being married. It’s so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.

I can please only one person per day. Today is not your day. Tomorrow isn’t looking good either.

Tell me what you need, and I’ll tell you how to get along without it.

Constipated People Don’t Give A Crap.

Don’t marry for money. You can borrow it cheaper.

My life has a superb cast but I can’t figure out the plot.

“A girl phoned me the other day and said... Come on over, there’s nobody home. I went over. Nobody was home” — Rodney Dangerfield

Bachelors have consciences, married men have wives.

To succeed in politics, it is often necessary to rise above your principles.

Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.

It used to be only death and taxes were inevitable. Now, of course, there’s shipping and handling, too.

Where you stand depends on where you sit.

Two strings walk into a bar. The first string says to the bartender, “Bartender, I’ll have a beer. u.5n$x5t?*&4ru!2[sACCErJ”. The second string says, “Pardon my friend, he isn’t NULL terminated”.

Hemp is a herb. Bush is a dope.

As the light changed from red to green to yellow and back to red again, I sat there thinking about life. Was it nothing more than a bunch of honking and yelling? Sometimes it seemed that way.

They told me I had type A blood, but it was a Type O

They say if you play a Microsoft CD backwards you hear satanic messages. That’s nothing, if you play it forwards it installs Windows.

Always remember you’re unique, just like everyone else.

Why is the third hand on the watch called a second hand?

You’re not drunk if you can lie on the floor without holding on.

A person who smiles in the face of adversity... probably has a scapegoat.

I have a simple philosophy. Fill what’s empty. Empty what’s full. Scratch where it itches.

This mind intentionally left blank

Killed - Personality Incompatibility

INDECISION is the key to FLEXIBILITY.

You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.

“Einstein argued that there must be simplified explanations of nature, because God is not capricious or arbitrary. No such faith comforts the software engineer.” — Fred Brooks.

I generally avoid temptation unless I can’t resist it.

If sex is such a natural phenomenon, how come there are so many books on how to do it.

In a Budapest zoo: Please do not feed the animals. If you have any suitable food, give it to the guard on duty.

I want to die peacefully in my sleep like my grandfather, not screaming in abject horror like his passengers.

Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.

If trees could scream, would we be so cavalier about cutting them down? We might, if they screamed all the time, for no good reason.

How do you keep an Irishman busy? Write P.T.O on both sides of a piece of paper.

Don’t stop to stomp on ants when the elephants are stampeding.

The surprising thing about young fools is how many survive to become old fools.

I don’t like people who take drugs... Customs Officers for example.

Progress was all right. Only it went on too long.

The early bird gets the worm, but the early worm gets eaten.

“Blink your eyelids periodically to lubricate your eyes.” — Page 16 of the HP “Environmental, Health Safety Handbook for Employees”.

What happens if you get scared half to death twice?

He who trains his tongue to quote the learned sages, will be known far and wide as a smart ass.

I think animal testing is a terrible idea; they get all nervous and give the wrong answers.

Men have a much better time of it than women; for one thing, they marry later; for another thing they die earlier.

This Would Be Really Funny If It Weren’t Happening To Me.

The doctor can bury his mistakes but an architect can only advise his client to plant vines.

Some pain is physical, and some is mental, but one that’s both is dental.

Someone sent me a postcard picture of the earth. On the back it said, “Wish you were here.”

“When you starve with a tiger, the tiger starves last”. — Griffin’s Thought

Whenever there is any doubt, there is no doubt.

He who smiles in a crisis has found someone to blame.

After all is said and done, more is said than done.

Even crime wouldn’t pay if the government ran it.

Stupidity is not a handicap. Park elsewhere!

If a job is worth doing well get someone else to do it.

“I think there is a world market for maybe five computers.” — Thomas Watson, chairman of IBM, 1943.

An egotist is a person of low taste—more interested in himself than in me.

God must love stupid people, he made so many.

As a final incentive before giving up a difficult task, try to imagine it successfully accomplished by someone you violently dislike.

“If builders built buildings the way programmers write programs, then the first woodpecker that came along would destroy civilization” — Weinberg’s Second Law.

Solitude is fine, but you need someone to tell you that solitude is fine.

Quantum mechanics: The dreams stuff is made of.

When your IQ reaches 80 –– sell.

Maybe I’m lucky to be going so slowly, because I may be going in the wrong direction.

How do you spot an Irishman at a carwash? He’s the one on the bike.

I love deadlines. I especially like the whooshing sound they make as they go flying by.

All men are equal. Some are just more equal than others.

“A patriot must always be ready to defend his country against his government”. — Edward Abbey

Every time I look at you I get a fierce desire to be lonesome.

My schoolmates would make love to anything that moved, but I never saw any reason to limit myself.

Jokes about German sausage are the wurst.

“Everyday I beat my own previous record for number of consecutive days I’ve stayed alive.”

History will be kind to me for I intend to write it. – Winston Churchill

How do I set a laser printer to stun?

Connection Reset By Aboriginal With Wire Cutters

The art of flying is to throw yourself at the ground and miss.

Everybody lies, but it doesn’t matter since nobody listens.

Age is a question of mind over matter. If you don’t mind, it don’t matter.

Living is not worth dying for.

Fundamentalism: Believe in a kind, loving God or we’ll kill you!

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“I believe in equality for everyone, except reporters and photographers”. — Gandhi

There’s a fine line between genius and insanity. I have erased this line.

“The object of war is not to die for your country but to make the other bastard die for his.” – General George Patton

Everything you like is bad for you in some way.

This guy walks into a bar and the barman says “Ouch, that must have hurt”

Help Wanted: Telepath. You know where to apply.

Get even – live long enough to be a problem to your kids.

You have to stay in shape. My grandmother, she started walking five miles a day when she was 60. She’s 97 today and we don’t know where the hell she is.

Prediction is extremely difficult. Especially about the future.

There are 10 types of people in the world: Those who understand binary, and those who don’t.

The sooner you fall behind the more time you’ll have to catch up.

Every morning is the dawn of a new error.

I’m an apathetic sociopath – I’d kill you if I cared.

“Heavier-than-air flying machines are impossible.” — Lord Kelvin, president, Royal Society, 1895.

“You, you and you: panic. The rest of you, come with me.”

Get a new car for your spouse – it’ll be a great trade!

If all you have is a hammer, everything looks like a nail.

Everyone needs belief in something. I believe I’ll have another beer.

From the moment I picked your book up until I laid it down I was convulsed with laughter. Some day I intend reading it.

Being single is like a vacuum. It sucks when you are turned on.

“There are only two things that are infinite: the universe and human stupidity. And I’m not sure about the universe.” A. Einstein

An army of deer led by a lion is more to be feared than an army of lions led by a deer.

When you are arguing with an idiot, make sure the other person isn’t doing the same thing.

“Hey, I’ve got reasons for what I’m doing,” REALLY MEANS, “I sure hope I think of some pretty soon.”

When a clock is hungry, it goes back four seconds.

Roses are red, Violets are blue. In Soviet Russia, Poems write you.

I am not a vegetarian because I love animals; I am a vegetarian because I hate plants.

“I am not worried about the deficit. It is big enough to take care of itself.” – Ronald Reagan

Confidence is the feeling you have before you understand the situation

A bird does not sing because it has an answer—it sings because it has a song.

Age always corresponds inversely to the size of your multivitamin.

Everybody is somebody else’s weirdo.

How do you sink an Irish Submarine? Knock on the hatch.

Any ship can be a minesweeper... once.

Oh, don’t fuss. I just cut myself. It’s no big deal,” REALLY MEANS, “I have actually severed a limb, but will bleed to death before I admit I’m hurt.”

Comedy is tragedy plus time.

Be kind to your dentist. He has fillings, too.

Does this smell like chloroform to you?

I majored in liberal arts. Will that be for here or to go?

I either want less corruption, or more chance to participate in it.

I installed a skylight in my apartment. The people who live above me are furious.

“There are two major products that come out of Berkeley: LSD and UNIX. We don’t believe this to be a coincidence.” — Jeremy S. Anderson

They say you only use ten percent of your brain. What about the other ten?

Man who run in front of car get tired.

Well, if I called the wrong number, why did you answer the phone?

I am a nobody, nobody is perfect, therefore I’m perfect.

The sooner you fall behind the more time you’ll have to catch up.

I can resist everything except temptation.

Mind like a steel trap – rusty and illegal in most states.

If automobiles had followed the same development cycle as the computer, a Rolls Royce would today cost $100, get a million miles per gallon, and explode once a year, killing everyone inside.

Friends may come and go, but enemies accumulate

Succeed in spite of management. Aim Low; Reach Your Goals, Avoid Disappointment.

“How come we choose from just two people to run for president and 50 for Miss America?”

The trouble with life is there’s no background music.

Everything is possible; just not too probable.

I’m in no shape to exercise.

Cheer up, the worst is yet to come.

If you can’t convince them, confuse them.

Men are from earth. Women are from earth. Deal with it.

Never buy a car you can’t push.

Before you give a colleague a piece of your mind, be sure you can spare it.

Ever stop to think and forget to start again?

Everybody is ignorant, only on different subjects.

Mines are equal opportunity weapons.

Latest survey shows that 3 out of 4 people make up 75% of the world’s population.

If at first you don’t succeed, destroy all the evidence that you tried.

Authority makes some people grow – and others just swell.

I’ve always wanted to be normal, but lately I’ve come to suspect that this is it.

The day I can’t do my job drunk is the day I turn in my badge and gun.

Insanity is hereditary; you can get it from your children.

Booze is the answer. I don’t remember the question.

If con is the opposite of pro, congress is the opposite of progress.

It’s just a job. Grass grows, birds fly, waves pound the sand. I just beat people up. – Muhammad Ali

“Reader, suppose you were an idiot. And suppose you were a member of Congress. But I repeat myself”. — Mark Twain

Seen it all, done it all, can’t remember most of it.

Promises are like babies: fun to make, but hell to deliver.

To define recursion, we must first define recursion.

Tip the world over on its side and everything loose will land in Los Angeles.

I married my wife for her looks... but not the ones she’s been giving me lately!

“If carrots are so good for the eyes, how come I see so many dead rabbits on the highway?”

Murphy’s Golden Rule: Whoever has the gold makes the rules.

Birthdays are good for you. Statistics show that the people who have the most live the longest.

I hope that after I die, people will say of me: “That guy sure owed me a lot of money.”

My mind not only wanders, sometimes it leaves completely.

For Sale: Parachute. Only used once, never opened, small stain.

A hangover is the wrath of grapes.

What’s another word for Thesaurus?

“Auntie Em: hate you, hate Kansas, taking the dog.” – Dorothy

If you’re not confused, you’re not paying attention.

Bacteria: the only culture some people have.

Where do you find an Irish woodworm? Dead inside a brick.

An Apple a day keeps the doctor away. But... an onion a day keeps everyone away.

Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.

Some people say that I must be a horrible person, but that’s not true. I have the heart of a young boy – in a jar on my desk.

Ours is a world where people don’t know what they want and are willing to go through hell to get it.

There’s a difference between being open-minded and having a hole in your head

Macho Law prohibits me from admitting I’m wrong.

To err is human – and to blame it on a computer is even more so.

Some people are alive only because it’s illegal to kill them.

It’s important to be open-minded, but not SO open-minded that your brains fall out.

I’m not afraid of heights, only widths.

As long as there are tests, there will be prayer in public schools.

We have two ends. One for sitting and one for thinking. Our success depends on which one we use most.

I don’t meet competition. I crush it

Hypochondria is the only disease I haven’t got.

I’m desperately trying to figure out why kamikaze pilots wore helmets.

Haunted French pancakes give me the crêpes.

Anything not nailed down is a cat toy.

Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?

Red Tape Holds Up New Bridge!

If a man opens a car door for a woman, either the car is new or the woman.

I had some words with my wife, and she had some paragraphs with me.

You’re such an inspiration for the way I’ll never choose to be.

The second day of a diet is alway easier than the first. By the second day, you’re off it.

You can’t have everything. Where would you put it?

Lots of people know a good thing the minute the other fellow sees it first.

I used to be apathetic, but now I don’t give a damn.

If the French were really intelligent, they’d speak English.

There are very few personal problems that cannot be solved through a suitable application of high explosives.

“I wish everyone was peaceful. Then I could take over the planet with a butter knife”—Dogbert

The illegal we do immediately. The unconstitutional takes a little longer. – Henry Kissinger

I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.

“He has been given a large brain by mistake, since for him the spinal cord would fully suffice.” — Albert Einstein

Save the whales. Collect the whole set.

Quantum: Noun, word used to sound like I know what I’m talking about while discussing physics I’ve never actually studied.

We are going on a field trip to the Coca-Cola factory. I hope there are no pop quizzes.

Never put both feet in your mouth at the same time, because then you don’t have a leg to stand on.

People who think they know everything are annoying to those of us who do.

What if there were no hypothetical questions?

People can be divided into three groups: Those who make things happen, those who watch things happen, and those who wonder what happened.

Be careful when reading health books; you may die of a misprint.

Some people are alive only because it’s illegal to kill them.

I Refuse To Have A Battle Of Wits With An Unarmed Person.

I’m sorry; you cannot have an outlook on life because it isn’t responding. Microsoft apologises for any inconvenience.

In a Rome laundry: Ladies, leave your clothes here and spend the afternoon having a good time.

Man shoots neighbour with machete [The Miami Herald, July 3]

It’s bad luck to be superstitious.

Even paranoids have real enemies.

There are only three kinds of people; people who can count and people who can’t.

Laugh at your problems; everybody else does.

“Always be sincere, even when you don’t mean it”. — Irene Peter

If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?

“On two occasions I have been asked [by members of Parliament!]: ‘Pray, Mr. Babbage, if you put into the machine wrong figures, will the right answers come out ?’ I am not able rightly to apprehend the kind of confusion of ideas that could provoke such a question.” — Charles Babbage.

A dog that attends a flea circus most likely will steal the whole show.

Life is far too important to be taken seriously.

Pick your friends but not to pieces.

Foolproof systems don’t take into account the ingenuity of fools.

Five out of four people have trouble with fractions.

It is said that if you line up all the cars in the world end to end, someone would be stupid enough to try and pass them.

Smoking cures weight problems...eventually...

Don’t use a big word where a diminutive one will suffice.

Why don’t you ever see the headline “Psychic Wins Lottery”?

A study in the Washington Post says that women have better verbal skills than men. I just want to say to the authors of that study: “Duh.”— Conan O’Brien

Impotence: Nature’s Way Of Saying “No Hard Feelings”.

A backwards poet writes inverse.

I always wanted to be a procrastinator, never got around to it though.

Abel Tasman on discovering Tasmania, “Too far south for spices and too close to the rim of the earth to be inhabited by anything but freaks and monsters”

I take everything I can for my kleptomania.

If quizzes are quizzical, what are tests?

Procrastinate Now!

Sometimes I think the surest sign that intelligent life exists elsewhere in the universe is that none of it has tried to contact us.

Being a philosopher, I have a problem for every solution.

One of the greatest labour-saving inventions today is tomorrow.

I always wanted to be somebody, but I should have been more specific.

On the keyboard of life, always keep one finger on the escape key.

Optimists believe we live on the greatest world. Pessimists believe this is true.

I have noticed that the people who are late are often so much jollier that the people who have to wait for them.

Marriage changes passion... suddenly you’re in bed with a relative.

I thought I made a mistake once, but I was wrong.

“Few things are harder to put up with than a good example.”—Mark Twain

I guess traffic in the city is improving a little. Yesterday, I drove clear across town and only had to shave twice.

My one regret in life is that I am not someone else.

Don’t Be Sexist – Broads Hate That.

Most vegetarians look so much like the food they eat that they can be classified as cannibals.

Outside a Hong Kong tailor shop: Ladies may have a fit upstairs.

Chaos, panic, & disorder – my work here is done.

To B or not to B? *kills the B* I HATE BEES!!!! – LynxofCP

Man who eat many prunes get good run for money.

When I was a boy I was told that anybody could become president; I’m beginning to believe it.

If people concentrated on the really important things in life, there’d be a shortage of fishing poles.

Time’s fun when you’re having flies... Kermit the Frog

Perhaps you’re diagonally parked in a parallel universe?

If you want your spouse to listen and pay strict attention to every word you say, talk in your sleep.

If vegetable oil comes from vegetables, where does baby oil come from?

Go the extra mile. It makes your boss look like an incompetent slacker.

A day without sun shine is like, you know, night.

My favorite mythical creature? The honest politician.

Doctor, Doctor You’ve got to help me – I just can’t stop my hands shaking. Do you drink a lot? Not really – I spill most of it!

The most powerful force in the universe is gossip.

I majored in liberal arts. Will that be for here or to go?

When in trouble, fear or doubt, run in circles, scream and shout.

Restarting System - Mouse Moved

A synonym is a word you use when you can’t spell the word you first thought of.

Honk if you love peace and quiet.

I’m out of my mind, but feel free to leave a message.

He does the work of three men: Larry, Moe and Curly.

“I could tell that my parents hated me. My bath toys were a toaster and a radio” — Rodney Dangerfield

I fear my inferiority complex is not as good as yours.

The secret of success is sincerity. Once you can fake that you’ve got it made.

It doesn’t matter what temperature the room is; it’s always room temperature.

The shortest distance between two points is under construction.

Experience is something you do not get until just after you need it.

A cartoonist was found dead in his home. Details are sketchy.

“I have never let my schooling interfere with my education.”—Mark Twain

Work: It isn’t just for sleeping anymore.

Man who run behind car get exhausted.

When you come to a fork in the road, take it.

Outside of a dog, a book is probably man’s best friend, and inside of a dog, it’s too dark to read.

What do you call a dinosaur with an extensive vocabulary? A thesaurus.

“Banking establishments are more dangerous than standing armies”. — Thomas Jefferson

A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat.

A drop of ink may make a million think.

If a woman has to choose between catching a fly ball and saving an infant’s life, she will choose to save the infant’s life without even considering if there is a man on base.—Dave Barry

Why is it called tourist season if we can’t shoot at them?

A baby sitter is a teenager acting like an adult while the adults are out acting like teenagers.

Success always occurs in private, and failure in full public view.

According to recent study someone is run over by a car every 5 minutes in the city. You’d think the guy would have enough sense to get out of the street.

Energizer Bunny arrested: Charged with battery.

Support bacteria – they’re the only culture some people have.

Chipped dishes never break.

There are two types of people in this world, good and bad. The good sleep better, but the bad seem to enjoy the waking hours much more.

A committee is a body that keeps minutes and wastes hours.

I don’t want to achieve immortality through my work. I want to achieve immortality through not dying.

Anyone who told you to be yourself couldn’t have given you worse advice.

At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be “What is hell?” Come early and listen to our choir practice.

If you’re born again, do you have two bellybuttons?

It’s not true that married men live longer than single men. It only seems longer.

If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?

Smith & Wesson — the original point and click interface.

There are two kinds of people, those who finish what they start, and so on.

It is a fitting irony that under Richard Nixon, ‘launder’ became a dirty word.

“Reading computer manuals without the hardware is as frustrating as reading sex manuals without the software.” — Arthur C. Clarke.

System Error - Windows Loaded

A pessimist is a man who has been compelled to live with an optimist

Anger is only one letter away from danger.

Instead of getting married again, I’m going to find a woman I don’t like and just give her a house.—Rod Stewart

Somewhere on this globe, every ten seconds, is a woman giving birth to a child. She must be found and stopped.

Make sure your mind isn’t so open that your brains fall out.

Anything’s possible... apart from skiing through a revolving door.

At the age of six I wanted to be a cook. At seven I wanted to be Napoleon. And my ambition has been growing steadily ever since.

How do you know if a fish is Irish? It has drowned.

“This report, by its very length, defends itself against the risk of being read”. — Winston Churchill

Venison for dinner again? Oh deer!

I know a guy who is addicted to brake fluid. He says he can stop anytime.

Before marriage, a man yearns for the woman he loves. After marriage, the ‘Y’ becomes silent.

If ever I get married again it would have to be under an anaesthetic.

What sane person could live in this world and not be crazy?

Love is blind, but marriage is a real eye-opener.

I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol.

It’s easy to quit smoking... I’ve done it over 10,000 times.

Work expands to fill the time available. — PARKINSON’S LAW

If you try and don’t succeed, cheat. Repeat until caught. Then lie.

Time sneaks up on you like a windshield on a bug.

People don’t grow up; they just learn how to act in public.

When I was young, I could remember anything. Whether it happened or not.

He who laughs last thinks slowest.

Well, this day was a total waste of makeup.

“I’ve been on a calendar but I have never been on time” – Marilyn Monroe

“Then he ran into my knife. He ran into my knife ten times.” – Chicago

I Haven’t Lost My Mind, It’s Backed Up On Disk Somewhere.

I get enough exercise just pushing my luck.

Is there life before death?

“Your mouse has moved. Windows must be restarted for the change to take effect. Reboot now ? [OK]”

Wine divulges truth.

I am free of all prejudices. I hate everyone equally.

Time is a great teacher, but unfortunately it kills all its pupils.

Marriage is not a word; it is a sentence.

If at first you do succeed, try to hide your astonishment.

Military intelligence is a contradiction in terms.

Nothing means nothing, but it isn’t really nothing because nothing is something that isn’t.

Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7th of your life.

Hard work never killed anybody but why take the chance?

You can say any foolish thing to a dog, and the dog will give you a look that says, “My God, you’re right! I never would’ve thought of that!”

If we aren’t supposed to eat animals, why are they made of meat?

I like kids, but I don’t think I could eat a whole one.

“C++ : Where friends have access to your private members.” — Gavin Russell Baker.

Snowmen fall from Heaven unassembled.

Only a fool is astonished by the foolishness of humankind.

What do you call a dinosaur with an extensive vocabulary? A thesaurus.

If we don’t succeed, we run the risk of failure.

“Oh dear,” said God, “I hadn’t thought of that,” and promptly vanished in a puff of logic.

Time flies like an arrow – fruit flies like a banana.

AIBOHPHOBIA – the fear of palindromes.

How Many Roads Must A Man Travel Down Before He Admits He Is Lost?

Eagles may soar, but weasels don’t get sucked into jet engines.

I’m quite easy to get along with, once you learn to beckon at my every call and yield to all my desires.

Never underestimate the power of very stupid people in large groups.

Whenever people agree with me, I always feel I must be wrong.

Eagles may soar, but weasels don’t get sucked into jet engines.

I’d like to see things your way, but I’m looking in another direction.

I don’t necessarily agree with everything I say.

Bacteria: the only culture some people have.

There’s a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot.

The trouble with the rat race is that even if you win, you’re still a rat.

“#define QUESTION ((bb) || !(bb))” — Shakespeare

“You have to be careful about being too careful” – Beryl Pfizer

Am I getting smart with you? How would you know?

Sheep don’t fly so much as plummet.

Sheep don’t fly so much as plummet.

I don’t enjoy computer jokes; not one bit.

If life was fair, Elvis would be alive and all the impersonators would be dead.

How can you come out of a closet if you never went in there in the first place?

When life hands you a lemon, make lemonade.

When I’m not in my right mind, my left mind gets pretty crowded

The beatings will continue until morale improves.

If you don’t know where you are going, you might wind up someplace else.

It is wiser to find out than to suppose.—Mark Twain

All my life, I always wanted to be somebody. Now I see that I should have been more specific.

We’ve made great medical progress in the last generation. What used to be merely an itch is now an allergy.

There are three ways to get something done: do it yourself, hire someone, or forbid your kids to do it.

I was at a bar nursing a beer. My nipple was getting quite soggy.

Knowledge is the key, but where is the damn lock?

I had amnesia once or twice.

Under capitalism, man exploits man. Under Communism, it’s just the opposite.

Early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.

The trouble with jogging is that, by the time you realise you’re not in shape for it, it’s far too far to walk back.

People with narrow minds usually have broad tongues.

Sometimes I wake up grumpy; other times I let her sleep

The number of people watching you is directly proportional to the stupidity of your action.

I’m not into working out. My philosophy: No pain, no pain.

Life is complex: it has real and imaginary parts.

If it weren’t for the last minute, nothing would ever get done.

A bachelor is a man who comes to work from a different direction each morning.

The earthquake in Washington obviously was the government’s fault.

I like children. Properly cooked.

“Every mighty oak was once just a nut who stood his ground.”

Climbers aim for the summit because it is there. Bungi jumpers dive off the top because they aren’t all there.

Age is a very high price to pay for maturity.

I’d give my right arm to be ambidextrous.

“War does not determine who is right - only who is left.” – Bertrand Russell

I thought I wanted a career, turns out I just wanted paychecks.

It’s not hard to meet expenses, they’re everywhere.

I hate women because they always know where things are.

Lord, if you won’t make me skinny, please make all my friends fat.

On the other hand you have different fingers.

I work hard because millions on welfare depend on me.

I don’t suffer from stress. I’m a carrier.

A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a train stops. On my desk I have a workstation...

Is Disney World the only people trap operated by a mouse?

Pardon my driving, I am reloading.

Stupidity is not a handicap! Park somewhere else!

How did Moses make his tea? Hebrews it.

Blessed are the young, for they shall inherit the national debt.

I haven’t spoken to my wife for 18 months: I don’t like to interrupt her.

It’s hard to face the problem, when the problem is your face.

Remember the teakettle; though up to its neck in hot water, it continues to sing.

I think, therefore I am single.

Does your train of thought have a caboose?

If you can’t beat your computer at chess, try kickboxing.

Life... I don’t get it...

Youth is a wonderful thing. What a crime to waste it on children.

I used to be a Kleptomaniac, But now I’m taking something for it

I spent most of my money on booze, drugs and women... The rest I wasted!

“Thinking is the hardest work there is, which is probably why so few engage in it”. — Henry Ford

The man who fell into an upholstery machine is fully recovered.

“You start coding. I’ll go find out what they want.” — Computer analyst to programmer

Remember... Marriage is the number one cause of divorce. Statistically, 100% of all divorces started with marriage.

I envy people who drink – at least they know what to blame everything on.

A printer consists of three main parts: the case, the jammed paper tray and the blinking red light

My mind works like lightning. One brilliant flash and it is gone.

Man does not live by words alone, despite the fact that sometimes he has to eat them.

Don’t look back. Something may be gaining on you.

Programmer – A red-eyed, mumbling mammal capable of conversing with inanimate objects.

I like to start my periods with sentences.

Last night I lay in bed looking up at the stars in the sky and I thought to myself, “Where the heck is the ceiling?”

I stayed up all night to see where the sun went. Then it dawned on me.

Who is General Failure and why is he reading my hard disk?

“I worked in a pet shop and people kept asking how big I’d get” — Rodney Dangerfield

Laughing stock: cattle with a sense of humour.

If you can’t be kind, at least have the decency to be vague.

Half of being smart is knowing what you are dumb at.

In democracy it’s your vote that counts. In feudalism it’s your count that votes.

I used to think I was indecisive, but now I’m not sure.

Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?

Show me a piano falling down a mineshaft and I’ll show you A-flat minor.

Eschew obfuscation.

Men occasionally stumble over the truth, but most of them pick themselves up and hurry off as if nothing had happened. – Winston Churchill

It is hard enough to remember my opinions, without also remembering my reasons for them!

England has no kidney bank, but it does have a Liverpool.

Raising teenagers is like trying to nail Jell-O to a tree.

We Quit Voting Will They All Go Away?

Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

Time is God’s way of keeping everything from happening at once.

Cole’s Law: Thinly sliced cabbage.

Be nice to your kids. They’ll choose your nursing home.

Mental Floss prevents Moral Decay.

If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?

Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.

Confidence is the feeling you have before you understand the situation.

The amount of work to be done increases in proportion to the amount of work already completed. — VAIL’S SECOND AXIOM

Why does Sea World have a seafood restaurant? I’m halfway through my fish burger and I realize, Oh my gosh... I could be eating a slow learner.

A team effort is a lot of people doing what I say

It is hard to understand how a cemetery raised its burial charges and blamed it on the cost of living.

For people who like peace and quiet – a phoneless cord.

The things that come to those that wait may be the things left by those who got there first.

“I’ve noticed that everyone who is for abortion has already been born.” – Ronald Reagan

My girlfriend told me I should be more affectionate. So I got two more girlfriends.

I didn’t like my beard at first. Then it grew on me.

Lead us not into temptation. Just tell us where it is; we’ll find it.

The only difference between Genius and Insanity... is success.

Nobody can be exactly like me. Even I have trouble doing it.

You have the right to your opinions. I just don’t want to hear them.

I am amazed at radio DJ’s today. I am firmly convinced that AM on my radio stands for Absolute Moron. I will not begin to tell you what FM stands for.

Hope sees the invisible, feels the intangible and achieves the impossible.

Money is better than poverty, if only for financial reasons.

To find out a girl’s faults, praise her to her girl friends.

Gossip: The art of saying nothing while leaving nothing unsaid.

Don’t be irreplaceable; if you cannot be replaced, you cannot be promoted.

Originality is the fine art of remembering what you hear, but forgetting where you heard it.

Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

Santa’s helpers are subordinate clauses.

I laugh in the face of danger, except if I’m involved.

Arguing on the Internet is like competing in the Special Olympics – even if you win, you are still retarded.

The best computer is a man, and it’s the only one that can be mass-produced by unskilled labour.

If you choke a smurf, what colour does it turn?

If you want a committed man, look in a mental hospital.

I couldn’t repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.

I wondered why the baseball was getting bigger. Then it hit me.

If you can’t convince them, confuse them.

Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying of nothing.

I arise in the morning torn between a desire to improve the world and a desire to enjoy the world. This makes it hard to plan the day.

Once, during prohibition, I was forced to live for days on nothing but food and water.

Compromise: the art of dividing a cake so that everybody believes he or she got the biggest piece.

“I have left orders to be awakened at any time in case of national emergency – even if I’m in a Cabinet meeting.” – Ronald Reagan

I’m an idealist: I don’t know where I’m going, but I’m on my way.

Women like silent men. They think they’re listening.

“The generation of random numbers is too important to be left to chance.” — Robert R. Coveyou, Oak Ridge National Laboratory.

We waste time, so you don’t have to.

Just because your head is the biggest doesn’t mean it contains the right ideas.

“Are you going to come quietly, or do I have to use earplugs?”—Vale Spike Milligan

I dropped out of communism class because of lousy Marx.

Better to remain silent and be thought a fool, than to speak and remove all doubt.

When Chemists die, they barium.

Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don’t.

I have great faith in fools; my friends call it self-confidence.

Acupuncture is a jab well done.

Always try to be modest and be proud of it!

Humour. It is a difficult concept. It is not logical.

Streakers beware: Your end is in sight.

If I have to work for an idiot, I might as well work for myself.

Experience is simply the name we give our mistakes.

“They say hard work never hurt anybody, but I figure why take the chance.” – Ronald Reagan

I have the body of a GOD – Buddha.

Doctor, Doctor I keep getting pains in the eye when I drink coffee. Have you tried taking the spoon out?

Man who drive like hell bound to get there.

I’m not dumb; I just have a command of thoroughly useless information.

This girl said she recognized me from the vegetarian club, but I’d never met herbivore

You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They left a little note on the windscreen, it said ‘Parking Fine.’

Consciousness: that annoying time between naps.

I think that’s how Chicago got started. A bunch of people in New York said, “Gee, I’m enjoying the crime and the poverty, but it just isn’t cold enough. Let’s go west.”—Richard Jeni

Ninety-nine per cent of the people in the world are fools and the rest of us are in great danger of contagion.

Where there’s a will, I want to be in it.

Applying computer technology is simply finding the right wrench to pound in the correct screw.

Laugh and the world laughs with you; snore and you sleep alone.

Just remember... if the world didn’t suck, we’d all fall off.

The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.

I have had more trouble with myself than with any other man I’ve met.

“I’d rather have a bottle in front of me, than a frontal lobotomy”. — Tom Waits

Computers make it easy to do a lot of things, but most of the things that make it easier to do don’t need to be done.

If at first you don’t succeed, try management.

If the world should blow itself up, the last audible voice would be that of an expert saying it can’t be done.

If you do not make dust, you eat dust.

Allow me to introduce my selves.

We must believe in free will, we have no choice.

What does a clock do when it’s hungry? It goes back four seconds.

“Inconceivable!” “I do not think that word means what you think it means.”

I live in my own little world, but it’s ok they know me here.

It’s strange, isn’t it. You stand in the middle of a library and go aaaaagghhhh’ and everyone just stares at you. But you do the same thing on an aeroplane, and everyone joins in.

I don’t have an attitude problem. You have a perception problem.

TEAMWORK... means never having to take all the blame yourself.

Plato is dead, Einstein is dead, and I’m not feeling too good myself...

Some people are going to leave a mark on this world, while others will leave a stain.

If you can’t dazzle them with brilliance... just baffle them with bullsh*t.

Cluster bombing from B-52s is very, very accurate – the bombs always hit the ground.

“Always in motion the future is. Seasick it makes me. That’s why so green I am”. – Yoda

One should forgive one’s enemies, but not before they are hanged.

“When in doubt tell the truth.”—Mark Twain

Those who can laugh without cause have either found the true meaning of happiness or have gone stark raving mad.

You can always spot a well-informed man – his views are the same as yours.

The difference between a stepping-stone and a stumbling block can be when you see it.

I wished the buck stopped here, as I could use a few.

Errors have been made. Others will be blamed.

One good thing about repeating your mistakes is that you know when to cringe.

Democracy is the recurrent suspicion that more than half of the people are right more than half of the time.

If I were two-faced, would I be wearing this one?

Youth would be an ideal state if it came a little later in life.

If it’s 0 degrees today and it’s going to be twice as cold tomorrow... how cold will it be?

When in doubt, mumble.

Eat a live toad first thing in the morning, and nothing worse can happen to you the rest of the day.

Caution – Driver Legally Blonde!

Vote for the man who promises least; he’ll be the least disappointing.

A clean tie attracts the soup of the day.

Men’s faults are many, women have only two. Everything they say, and everything they do.

Honesty is the best policy, but insanity is a better defence.

If the human brain were so simple that we could understand it, we would be so simple we couldn’t.

I used up all my sick days, so I’m calling in dead.

Cheerfulness is contagious, but don’t wait to catch it from others. Be a carrier.

You look like a million dollars. All green and wrinkled.

It is not my interest to pay the principal, nor my principal to pay the interest.

I took a speed reading course and read ‘War and Peace’ in twenty minutes. It involves Russia. Enough women for four.

Moderation in all things, including moderation.

If you don’t know where you are going, you will wind up somewhere else.

“As a matter of fact” is an expression that precedes many an expression that isn’t.

A bargain is something you don’t need at a price you can’t resist.

I stayed up all night to see where the sun went. Then it dawned on me.

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