Amusing Quotes & One-Liners

The most powerful force in the universe is gossip.

Marriage is a three-ring circus: engagement ring, wedding ring, and suffering.

A soldier who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran.

I am amazed at radio DJ’s today. I am firmly convinced that AM on my radio stands for Absolute Moron. I will not begin to tell you what FM stands for.

Smith & Wesson — the original point and click interface.

Everybody is ignorant, only on different subjects.

My schoolmates would make love to anything that moved, but I never saw any reason to limit myself.

I’d give my right arm to be ambidextrous.

“Inconceivable!” “I do not think that word means what you think it means.”

My one regret in life is that I am not someone else.

Oh, don’t fuss. I just cut myself. It’s no big deal,” REALLY MEANS, “I have actually severed a limb, but will bleed to death before I admit I’m hurt.”

Did you hear about the cross-eyed teacher who lost her job because she couldn’t control her pupils?

“He has been given a large brain by mistake, since for him the spinal cord would fully suffice.” — Albert Einstein

Where do you find an Irish woodworm? Dead inside a brick.

If at first you don’t succeed, destroy all the evidence that you tried.

Bacteria: the only culture some people have.

Cheer up, the worst is yet to come.

I took a speed reading course and read ‘War and Peace’ in twenty minutes. It involves Russia. Enough women for four.

Outside a Hong Kong tailor shop: Ladies may have a fit upstairs.

My favorite mythical creature? The honest politician.

There are three ways to get something done: do it yourself, hire someone, or forbid your kids to do it.

Some people say that I must be a horrible person, but that’s not true. I have the heart of a young boy – in a jar on my desk.

Never underestimate the power of very stupid people in large groups.

It is even harder for the average ape to believe that he has descended from man.

“C++ : Where friends have access to your private members.” — Gavin Russell Baker.

It is hard to understand how a cemetery raised its burial charges and blamed it on the cost of living.

Velcro — what a rip off!

Warning: Dates in Calendar are closer than they appear.

On the keyboard of life, always keep one finger on the escape key.

The only difference between Genius and Insanity... is success.

When all other means of communication fail, try words.

The trouble with the rat race is that even if you win, you’re still a rat.

Time is God’s way of keeping everything from happening at once.

Living is not worth dying for.

Hope sees the invisible, feels the intangible and achieves the impossible.

On the other hand you have different fingers.

If it weren’t for electricity we’d all be watching television by candlelight?

“War does not determine who is right - only who is left.” – Bertrand Russell

I have had more trouble with myself than with any other man I’ve met.

I used to be a Kleptomaniac, But now I’m taking something for it

If at first you do succeed, try to hide your astonishment.

Acupuncture is a jab well done.

If at first you don’t succeed, try, try again. Then quit. There’s no use being a damned fool about it.

When a clock is hungry, it goes back four seconds.

“Are you going to come quietly, or do I have to use earplugs?”—Vale Spike Milligan

Every morning is the dawn of a new error.

Democracy is the recurrent suspicion that more than half of the people are right more than half of the time.

Men occasionally stumble over the truth, but most of them pick themselves up and hurry off as if nothing had happened. – Winston Churchill

It’s not hard to meet expenses, they’re everywhere.

Everybody is somebody else’s weirdo.

If you can’t dazzle them with brilliance... just baffle them with bullsh*t.

Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7th of your life.

A great many people think they are thinking when they are merely rearranging their prejudices.

Stupidity is not a handicap! Park somewhere else!

A backwards poet writes inverse.

I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.

“As a matter of fact” is an expression that precedes many an expression that isn’t.

You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They left a little note on the windscreen, it said ‘Parking Fine.’

I’m quite easy to get along with, once you learn to beckon at my every call and yield to all my desires.

Money is better than poverty, if only for financial reasons.

The only perfect science is hindsight.

He’s not dead, he’s electroencephalographically challenged.

Murphy’s Golden Rule: Whoever has the gold makes the rules.

If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?

Somewhere on this globe, every ten seconds, is a woman giving birth to a child. She must be found and stopped.

I haven’t spoken to my wife for 18 months: I don’t like to interrupt her.

If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?

There’s a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot.

Solitude is fine, but you need someone to tell you that solitude is fine.

What’s the definition of a will? (It’s a dead giveaway).

It’s not true that married men live longer than single men. It only seems longer.

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The beatings will continue until morale improves.

If Bill Gates had a nickel for every time Windows crashed... oh wait, he does.

Whenever there is any doubt, there is no doubt.

Am I getting smart with you? How would you know?

If you don’t know where you are going, you might wind up someplace else.

“You, you and you: panic. The rest of you, come with me.”

My mind not only wanders, sometimes it leaves completely.

I’m reading a book about anti-gravity. I can’t put it down.

How do I set a laser printer to stun?

I love work; it fascinates me; I can sit and watch it for hours.

You can say any foolish thing to a dog, and the dog will give you a look that says, “My God, you’re right! I never would’ve thought of that!”

Two signs from a Majorcan shop entrance: English well speaking / Here speeching American.

I have a simple philosophy. Fill what’s empty. Empty what’s full. Scratch where it itches.

All those who believe in psycho kinesis raise my hand.

I have noticed that the people who are late are often so much jollier that the people who have to wait for them.

Only a fool is astonished by the foolishness of humankind.

I intend to live forever – so far, so good.

The doctor can bury his mistakes but an architect can only advise his client to plant vines.

Compromise: the art of dividing a cake so that everybody believes he or she got the biggest piece.

Snowmen fall from Heaven unassembled.

History will be kind to me for I intend to write it. – Winston Churchill

Better to remain silent and be thought a fool, than to speak and remove all doubt.

“The generation of random numbers is too important to be left to chance.” — Robert R. Coveyou, Oak Ridge National Laboratory.

“The best thing about the future is that it comes only one day at a time.” – Abraham Lincoln

If you don’t pay your exorcist you get repossessed.

If we aren’t supposed to eat animals, why are they made of meat?

If you can stay calm, while all around you is chaos... then you probably haven’t completely understood the situation.

Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.

I don’t believe in astrology. I am a Sagittarius and we’re very skeptical. ~ Arthur C. Clarke

TEAMWORK... means never having to take all the blame yourself.

Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.

I don’t suffer from stress. I’m a carrier.

You look like a million dollars. All green and wrinkled.

Don’t Be Sexist – Broads Hate That.

God must love stupid people, he made so many.

Despite the cost of living it’s still very popular.

Why don’t you ever see the headline “Psychic Wins Lottery”?

Needing someone is like needing a parachute. If he isn’t there the first time you need him, chances are you won’t be needing him again.

Democracy is a process by which people are free to choose the man who will get the blame.

All my life, I always wanted to be somebody. Now I see that I should have been more specific.

I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.

Leftists are among the first to speak of their rights.

People don’t grow up; they just learn how to act in public.

If someone with multiple personalities threatens suicide... is it considered a hostage situation?

I used to think I was indecisive, but now I’m not sure.

I have kleptomania, but when it gets bad, I take something for it. ~ Robert Benchle

Applying computer technology is simply finding the right wrench to pound in the correct screw.

I take everything I can for my kleptomania.

Optimists believe we live on the greatest world. Pessimists believe this is true.

Energizer Bunny arrested: Charged with battery.

A team effort is a lot of people doing what I say

Nick Overruled - Democratic Majority Decision

“I’ve been on a calendar but I have never been on time” – Marilyn Monroe

Brilliant, but with the social skills of a thermonuclear device.

If money talks, it ain’t on speakin’ terms with me.

Connection Reset - Insufficient Electrons

Mental Floss prevents Moral Decay.

There are two types of people in this world, good and bad. The good sleep better, but the bad seem to enjoy the waking hours much more.

They say if you play a Microsoft CD backwards you hear satanic messages. That’s nothing, if you play it forwards it installs Windows.

We are going on a field trip to the Coca-Cola factory. I hope there are no pop quizzes.

“Always in motion the future is. Seasick it makes me. That’s why so green I am”. – Yoda

The dictionary is the only place where success comes before work.

I dropped out of communism class because of lousy Marx.

“Auntie Em: hate you, hate Kansas, taking the dog.” – Dorothy

So Many Pedestrians – So Little Time.

Men’s faults are many, women have only two. Everything they say, and everything they do.

People can be divided into three groups: Those who make things happen, those who watch things happen, and those who wonder what happened.

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According to recent study someone is run over by a car every 5 minutes in the city. You’d think the guy would have enough sense to get out of the street.

I used to be a banker, but then I lost interest.

Experience is something you do not get until just after you need it.

Anything not nailed down is mine. Anything I can pry loose is not nailed down.

Santa’s helpers are subordinate clauses.

Whenever people agree with me, I always feel I must be wrong.

Does this smell like chloroform to you?

I used to think I was indecisive, but now I’m not sure.

I have spent my whole life looking for the perfect woman, and now I’ve found her. Too bad she’s looking for the perfect man.

I wished the buck stopped here, as I could use a few.

“Always be sincere, even when you don’t mean it”. — Irene Peter

Hang in there; retirement is only thirty years away.

If you can’t convince them, confuse them.

AIBOHPHOBIA – the fear of palindromes.

In democracy it’s your vote that counts. In feudalism it’s your count that votes.

I’m not dumb; I just have a command of thoroughly useless information.

Laugh at your problems; everybody else does.

Age is an issue of mind over matter. If you don’t mind, it doesn’t matter.

Youth is a wonderful thing. What a crime to waste it on children.

On the plus side, death is one of the few things that can be done just as easily as lying down.

I Haven’t Lost My Mind, It’s Backed Up On Disk Somewhere.

I always wanted to be a procrastinator, never got around to it though.

If I’d known I was going to live this long, I’d have taken better care of myself.

Connection Reset By Aboriginal With Wire Cutters

Genius is 1% inspiration, and 99% perspiration.

Don’t look back. Something may be gaining on you.

Any ship can be a minesweeper... once.

“Life is a waste of time, time is a waste of life, so get wasted all of the time and have the time of your life”. — Tom Waits

How do you know if a fish is Irish? It has drowned.

Everything you like is bad for you in some way.

Marriage changes passion... suddenly you’re in bed with a relative.

Wine divulges truth.

Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

It’s easy to quit smoking... I’ve done it over 10,000 times.

One good turn gets most of the blankets.

“Blink your eyelids periodically to lubricate your eyes.” — Page 16 of the HP “Environmental, Health Safety Handbook for Employees”.

To B or not to B? *kills the B* I HATE BEES!!!! – LynxofCP

Brain: an apparatus with which we think we think.

Everyone needs belief in something. I believe I’ll have another beer.

I used up all my sick days, so I’m calling in dead.

Just because your head is the biggest doesn’t mean it contains the right ideas.

Foolproof systems don’t take into account the ingenuity of fools.

I married Miss Right. I just didn’t know her first name was Always.

What Has Four Legs And An Arm? A Happy Pit Bull.

For Sale: Parachute. Only used once, never opened, small stain.

You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.

Experience is simply the name we give our mistakes.

A dyslexic man walks into a bra.

Haunted French pancakes give me the crêpes.

If the human brain were so simple that we could understand it, we would be so simple we couldn’t.

After all is said and done, more is said than done.

I’m out of my mind, but feel free to leave a message.

I stayed up all night to see where the sun went. Then it dawned on me.

Doctor, Doctor You’ve got to help me – I just can’t stop my hands shaking. Do you drink a lot? Not really – I spill most of it!

Consciousness: that annoying time between naps.

The light at the end of the tunnel has been turned off due to budget cuts.

I’m sorry; you cannot have an outlook on life because it isn’t responding. Microsoft apologises for any inconvenience.

In a Norwegian cocktail lounge: Ladies are requested not to have children in the bar.

Jack and Jill did it for the insurance.

Seeing a murder on television...will help work off one’s antagonisms. And if you haven’t any antagonisms, the commercials will give you some.

I used to find him boring until I stopped listening.

Once, during prohibition, I was forced to live for days on nothing but food and water.

A conclusion is simply the place where you got tired of thinking.

I was at a bar nursing a beer. My nipple was getting quite soggy.

111,111,111 x 111,111,111 = 12,345,678,987,654,321

A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat.

We Quit Voting Will They All Go Away?

“Few things are harder to put up with than a good example.”—Mark Twain

I live in my own little world, but it’s ok they know me here.

If people concentrated on the really important things in life, there’d be a shortage of fishing poles.

Everything is possible; just not too probable.

A procrastinator’s work is never done.

There are two kinds of people, those who finish what they start, and so on.

I either want less corruption, or more chance to participate in it.

The amount of work to be done increases in proportion to the amount of work already completed. — VAIL’S SECOND AXIOM

In a Tokyo shop: Our nylons cost more than common, but you’ll find they are best in the long run.

Prediction is extremely difficult. Especially about the future.

Streakers beware: Your end is in sight.

Be thankful for problems. If they were less difficult, someone with less ability might have your job.

I think animal testing is a terrible idea; they get all nervous and give the wrong answers.

A synonym is a word you use when you can’t spell the word you first thought of.

Those who can laugh without cause have either found the true meaning of happiness or have gone stark raving mad.

Quantum: Noun, word used to sound like I know what I’m talking about while discussing physics I’ve never actually studied.

If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?

How do you sink an Irish Submarine? Knock on the hatch.

I thought I made a mistake once, but I was wrong.

If At First You Don’t Succeed... Blame Someone Else And Seek Counseling.

“I have left orders to be awakened at any time in case of national emergency – even if I’m in a Cabinet meeting.” – Ronald Reagan

Age is a question of mind over matter. If you don’t mind, it don’t matter.

Never go to a doctor whose office plants have died.

If it weren’t for the last minute, nothing would ever get done.

Horn broken. Watch for finger. (on bumper sticker)

“The web is a dominatrix. Every where I turn, I see little buttons ordering me to Submit.” — Nytwind.

As the light changed from red to green to yellow and back to red again, I sat there thinking about life. Was it nothing more than a bunch of honking and yelling? Sometimes it seemed that way.

If you’re not confused, you’re not paying attention.

Computers make it easy to do a lot of things, but most of the things that make it easier to do don’t need to be done.

Vote for the man who promises least; he’ll be the least disappointing.

Hypochondria is the only disease I haven’t got.

I think that’s how Chicago got started. A bunch of people in New York said, “Gee, I’m enjoying the crime and the poverty, but it just isn’t cold enough. Let’s go west.”—Richard Jeni

Humour. It is a difficult concept. It is not logical.

“I think there is a world market for maybe five computers.” — Thomas Watson, chairman of IBM, 1943.

Men are from earth. Women are from earth. Deal with it.

There is no such thing as an underestimate of average intelligence

Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?

In the office of a Roman doctor: Specialist in women and other diseases.

My mind works like lightning. One brilliant flash and it is gone.

The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.

It is a fitting irony that under Richard Nixon, ‘launder’ became a dirty word.

A guy got arrested for playing the guitar. He was fingering a minor.

Every time I look at you I get a fierce desire to be lonesome.

Character is what you are in the dark.

Lots of people know a good thing the minute the other fellow sees it first.

There are very few personal problems that cannot be solved through a suitable application of high explosives.

Booze is the answer. I don’t remember the question.

Shin: a device for finding furniture in the dark.

Errors have been made. Others will be blamed.

The scientific theory I like best is that the rings of Saturn are composed entirely of lost airline luggage.

“I’ve noticed that everyone who is for abortion has already been born.” – Ronald Reagan

This comment is printed on 100% recycled electrons.

Red Tape Holds Up New Bridge!

Two strings walk into a bar. The first string says to the bartender, “Bartender, I’ll have a beer. u.5n$x5t?*&4ru!2[sACCErJ”. The second string says, “Pardon my friend, he isn’t NULL terminated”.

I always wanted to be somebody, but I should have been more specific.

“Reading computer manuals without the hardware is as frustrating as reading sex manuals without the software.” — Arthur C. Clarke.

A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a train stops. On my desk I have a workstation...

The second day of a diet is alway easier than the first. By the second day, you’re off it.

Always remember you’re unique, just like everyone else.

Raising teenagers is like trying to nail Jell-O to a tree.

A printer consists of three main parts: the case, the jammed paper tray and the blinking red light

Chaos, panic, & disorder – my work here is done.

You can’t have everything. Where would you put it?

Money is flat and meant to be piled up. – Scottish Proverb

Doctor, Doctor I keep getting pains in the eye when I drink coffee. Have you tried taking the spoon out?

How do you get an Irishman to burn his ear? Ring him up while he is ironing.

Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?

Be kind to your dentist. He has fillings, too.

How did Moses make his tea? Hebrews it.

I’m in no shape to exercise.

Seen it all, done it all, can’t remember most of it.

In the beginning, God created earth and rested. Then God created man and rested. Then God created woman. Since then, neither God nor man has rested.

Make three correct guesses consecutively and you will establish yourself as an expert.

I like children. Properly cooked.

Don’t stop to stomp on ants when the elephants are stampeding.

Being in the army is like being in the Boy Scouts, except that the Boy Scouts have adult supervision.

Life is far too important to be taken seriously.

A committee is a body that keeps minutes and wastes hours.

Sheep don’t fly so much as plummet.

On a tombstone: I TOLD YOU I WAS SICK

I’m not afraid of heights, only widths.

Never put off until tomorrow what you can avoid altogether.

Of course, we are all worms—but I like to think, at least, that I am a glow-worm. – Winston Churchill

Chipped dishes never break.

Alcohol: the cause of, and solution to, all of life’s problems.

“The object of war is not to die for your country but to make the other bastard die for his.” – General George Patton

Why do we wash bath towels, aren’t we clean when we use them?

How do you spot an Irishman at a carwash? He’s the one on the bike.

The shortest distance between two points is under construction.

Allow me to introduce my selves.

The human brain is a wonderful thing. It starts working the moment you are born, and never stops until you stand up to speak in public.

I’ve been trying for some time to develop a life style that doesn’t require my presence.

Before you give a colleague a piece of your mind, be sure you can spare it.

I was the next door kid’s imaginary friend.

A bird in the hand is safer than one overhead.

We waste time, so you don’t have to.

One day I will get this peer guy and reset his connection.

“A girl phoned me the other day and said... Come on over, there’s nobody home. I went over. Nobody was home” — Rodney Dangerfield

Never argue with an idiot. They drag you down to their level then beat you with experience.

When your IQ reaches 80 –– sell.

England has no kidney bank, but it does have a Liverpool.

I stayed up all night to see where the sun went. Then it dawned on me.

Blessed are those who can laugh at themselves, they will never cease to be amused.

Confidence is the feeling you have before you understand the situation.

Take my advice, I don’t use it anyway.

Keyboard not detected. Press F1 to continue

The early bird gets the worm, but the early worm gets eaten.

Time flies like an arrow – fruit flies like a banana.

A poor excuse is like an old bucket; doesn’t matter what shape it is in, as long as it holds water.

Insanity is hereditary; you can get it from your children.

Statistics are like bikinis – What they reveal is suggestive, but what they conceal is vital.

“There is no reason anyone would want a computer in their home.” — Ken Olson, founder of Digital Equipment Corp., 1977.

A pessimist is a man who has been compelled to live with an optimist

This Would Be Really Funny If It Weren’t Happening To Me.

Never put both feet in your mouth at the same time, because then you don’t have a leg to stand on.

Early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.

Blessed are the young, for they shall inherit the national debt.

At the age of six I wanted to be a cook. At seven I wanted to be Napoleon. And my ambition has been growing steadily ever since.

If you choke a smurf, what colour does it turn?

Friends may come and go, but enemies accumulate

Money can’t buy happiness, but it sure makes misery easier to live with.

“Managing senior programmers is like herding cats” — Dave Platt.

“Oh dear,” said God, “I hadn’t thought of that,” and promptly vanished in a puff of logic.

Help Wanted: Telepath. You know where to apply.

Sometimes I wake up grumpy; other times I let her sleep

You’re not drunk if you can lie on the floor without holding on.

Roses are red, Violets are blue. In Soviet Russia, Poems write you.

My parents stayed together for forty years, but that was out of spite.

If the world should blow itself up, the last audible voice would be that of an expert saying it can’t be done.

Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.

In a Copenhagen airline ticket office: We take your bags and send them in all directions.

How do you keep an Irishman busy? Write P.T.O on both sides of a piece of paper.

It is a small world, but I wouldn’t like to have to paint it.

Does your train of thought have a caboose?

If a job is worth doing well get someone else to do it.

Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way when you criticize them, you are a mile away from them and you have their shoes.

A clean tie attracts the soup of the day.

We must believe in free will, we have no choice.

It has recently been discovered that research causes cancer in rats.

There’s a fine line between genius and insanity. I have erased this line.

The fellow who thinks he knows it all is especially annoying to those of us who do.

Fundamentalism: Believe in a kind, loving God or we’ll kill you!

Why is it called tourist season if we can’t shoot at them?

Plato is dead, Einstein is dead, and I’m not feeling too good myself...

Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying of nothing.

The surprising thing about young fools is how many survive to become old fools.

What sane person could live in this world and not be crazy?

If puns were outlawed, only outlaws would have puns.

“If women didn’t exist, all the money in the world would have no meaning.” – Aristotle Onassis

Democracy is a government where you can say what you think even if you don’t think.

I wondered why the baseball was getting bigger. Then it hit me.

Life... I don’t get it...

I tried to photograph the fog, but I mist.

Laughing stock: cattle with a sense of humour.

Eat a live toad first thing in the morning, and nothing worse can happen to you the rest of the day.

If trees could scream, would we be so cavalier about cutting them down? We might, if they screamed all the time, for no good reason.

To define recursion, we must first define recursion.

If I were two-faced, would I be wearing this one?

Time sneaks up on you like a windshield on a bug.

When life hands you a lemon, make lemonade.

Anyone who told you to be yourself couldn’t have given you worse advice.

I did a theatrical performance about puns. It was a play on words.

Technology is a way of organizing the universe so that man doesn’t have to experience it.

From the moment I picked your book up until I laid it down I was convulsed with laughter. Some day I intend reading it.

I know a guy who is addicted to brake fluid. He says he can stop anytime.

Ours is a world where people don’t know what they want and are willing to go through hell to get it.

It used to be only death and taxes were inevitable. Now, of course, there’s shipping and handling, too.

There is nothing so annoying as to have two people go right on talking when you’re interrupting.

Is Disney World the only people trap operated by a mouse?

“I believe in equality for everyone, except reporters and photographers”. — Gandhi

Slow is when someone laps you in the hundred-yard dash

Knowledge is the key, but where is the damn lock?

A conscience does not prevent sin. It only prevents you from enjoying it.

I spilled spot remover on my dog. Now he’s gone.

“If carrots are so good for the eyes, how come I see so many dead rabbits on the highway?”

I spent most of my money on booze, drugs and women... The rest I wasted!

If sex is such a natural phenomenon, how come there are so many books on how to do it.

Artificial Intelligence is no match for Natural Stupidity.

To find out a girl’s faults, praise her to her girl friends.

Men have a much better time of it than women; for one thing, they marry later; for another thing they die earlier.

Whenever I feel like exercise, I lie down until the feeling passes.

I’m desperately trying to figure out why kamikaze pilots wore helmets.

Well, if I called the wrong number, why did you answer the phone?

Proofread carefully to see if you any words out.

“You start coding. I’ll go find out what they want.” — Computer analyst to programmer

Don’t marry for money. You can borrow it cheaper.

Originality is the fine art of remembering what you hear, but forgetting where you heard it.

“#define QUESTION ((bb) || !(bb))” — Shakespeare

I don’t enjoy computer jokes; not one bit.

“My wife made me join a bridge club. I jump off next Tuesday” — Rodney Dangerfield

The most precious thing we have is life. Yet it has absolutely no trade-in value.

The sooner you fall behind the more time you’ll have to catch up.

Why were the Indians here first? They had reservations.

I don’t like people who take drugs... Customs Officers for example.

They say you only use ten percent of your brain. What about the other ten?

“When in doubt tell the truth.”—Mark Twain

Why is it that doctors call what they do “practice”?

“You have to be careful about being too careful” – Beryl Pfizer

A cartoonist was found dead in his home. Details are sketchy.

I’d explain it to you, but your brain would explode.

We spend the first twelve months of our children’s lives teaching them to walk and talk and the next twelve telling them to sit down and shut up.

The best computer is a man, and it’s the only one that can be mass-produced by unskilled labour.

You have to stay in shape. My grandmother, she started walking five miles a day when she was 60. She’s 97 today and we don’t know where the hell she is.

What happens if you get scared half to death twice?

What’s another word for Thesaurus?

Remember the teakettle; though up to its neck in hot water, it continues to sing.

I don’t have an attitude problem. You have a perception problem.

Everybody has a photographic memory. Some don’t have film.

Well if this is the wrong number, why did you answer it?

This girl said she recognized me from the vegetarian club, but I’d never met herbivore

Is there life before death?

Latest survey shows that 3 out of 4 people make up 75% of the world’s population.

There are only three kinds of people; people who can count and people who can’t.

“This report, by its very length, defends itself against the risk of being read”. — Winston Churchill

Time’s fun when you’re having flies... Kermit the Frog

In this world, nothing is certain but death and taxes. – Benjamin Franklin

Comedy is tragedy plus time.

He often broke into song because he couldn’t find the key.

I married my wife for her looks... but not the ones she’s been giving me lately!

I majored in liberal arts. Will that be for here or to go?

The secret of success is sincerity. Once you can fake that you’ve got it made.

Legend: a lie that has attained the dignity of age.

He who smiles in a crisis has found someone to blame.

I have the body of a GOD – Buddha.

Why is it that to stop Windows, you have to click on “Start”?

It is not what a teenager knows that bothers his parents. It is how he found out.

Man who run in front of car get tired.

Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy.

Man who run behind car get exhausted.

Stupidity is not a handicap. Park elsewhere!

“There are only two things that are infinite: the universe and human stupidity. And I’m not sure about the universe.” A. Einstein

“I am not worried about the deficit. It is big enough to take care of itself.” – Ronald Reagan

I generally avoid temptation unless I can’t resist it.

The difference between a stepping-stone and a stumbling block can be when you see it.

I installed a skylight in my apartment. The people who live above me are furious.

It is hard enough to remember my opinions, without also remembering my reasons for them!

Don’t be irreplaceable; if you cannot be replaced, you cannot be promoted.

Half our life is spent trying to find something to do with the time we have rushed through life trying to save.

A study in the Washington Post says that women have better verbal skills than men. I just want to say to the authors of that study: “Duh.”— Conan O’Brien

IRS: We’ve got what it takes to take what you’ve got.

It’s hard to face the problem, when the problem is your face.

The number of people watching you is directly proportional to the stupidity of your action.

Honest criticism is hard to take, particularly from a relative, a friend, an acquaintance, or a stranger.

People with narrow minds usually have broad tongues.

Years ago fairy tales began with “Once upon a time...” Now it’s “If I am elected...”

Tell me what you need, and I’ll tell you how to get along without it.

I don’t suffer from stress. I’m a carrier.

When in trouble, fear or doubt, run in circles, scream and shout.

Being single is like a vacuum. It sucks when you are turned on.

I Refuse To Have A Battle Of Wits With An Unarmed Person.

If you can’t beat your computer at chess, try kickboxing.

Laugh and the world laughs with you; snore and you sleep alone.

“I’d rather have a bottle in front of me, than a frontal lobotomy”. — Tom Waits

Work: It isn’t just for sleeping anymore.

e=mc^2 where m = the number of cooks required to spoil the broth

Confidence is the feeling you have before you understand the situation

“Everyday I beat my own previous record for number of consecutive days I’ve stayed alive.”

For people who like peace and quiet – a phoneless cord.

Not all men are annoying. Some are dead.

Politicians are people who, when they see the light at the end of the tunnel, go out and buy more tunnel.

In a Rome laundry: Ladies, leave your clothes here and spend the afternoon having a good time.

A bird does not sing because it has an answer—it sings because it has a song.

Bigamy is having one wife too many. Monogamy is the same. – Oscar Wilde

If you don’t learn to laugh at troubles, you won’t have anything to laugh at when you grow old.

I hope that after I die, people will say of me: “That guy sure owed me a lot of money.”

“I could tell that my parents hated me. My bath toys were a toaster and a radio” — Rodney Dangerfield

Maybe I’m lucky to be going so slowly, because I may be going in the wrong direction.

“Einstein argued that there must be simplified explanations of nature, because God is not capricious or arbitrary. No such faith comforts the software engineer.” — Fred Brooks.

Hemp is a herb. Bush is a dope.

I don’t necessarily agree with everything I say.

There are 3 kinds of people: those who can count and those who can’t.

I often quote myself; it adds spice to my conversation.

If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?

My reality check just bounced.

No problem is so big and complicated that it can’t be ran away from.

A diplomatic husband said to his wife, how do you expect me to remember your birthday when you never look any older?

The day I can’t do my job drunk is the day I turn in my badge and gun.

When I was a boy I was told that anybody could become president; I’m beginning to believe it.

My husband says I never listen to him (at least I think that’s what he said)

Youth would be an ideal state if it came a little later in life.

The earthquake in Washington obviously was the government’s fault.

All the toilets in New York’s police stations have been stolen. The police have nothing to go on.

The art of flying is to throw yourself at the ground and miss.

You have the right to your opinions. I just don’t want to hear them.

All men are equal. Some are just more equal than others.

Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.

I arise in the morning torn between a desire to improve the world and a desire to enjoy the world. This makes it hard to plan the day.

Under capitalism, man exploits man. Under Communism, it’s just the opposite.

Honk if you love peace and quiet.

I tried sniffing Coke once, but the ice cubes got stuck in my nose.

Procrastinate Now!

Anger is only one letter away from danger.

It is well to remember the entire population of the universe, with one trifling exception, is composed of others.

Isn’t having a smoking section in a restaurant like having a peeing section in a swimming pool?

Everyone hates me because I’m paranoid.

Get even – live long enough to be a problem to your kids.

If it’s true that we are here to help others, then what exactly are the others here for?

Mines are equal opportunity weapons.

“Hey, I’ve got reasons for what I’m doing,” REALLY MEANS, “I sure hope I think of some pretty soon.”

Life is complex: it has real and imaginary parts.

“How can a president not be an actor?” – when asked “How could an actor become president?” – Ronald Reagan

Well, this day was a total waste of makeup.

How can you come out of a closet if you never went in there in the first place?

Constipated People Don’t Give A Crap.

The dumber people think you are, the more surprised they’re going to be when you kill them—Rodney Dangerfield

The trouble with our times is that the future is not what it used to be.

We have two ends. One for sitting and one for thinking. Our success depends on which one we use most.

This mind intentionally left blank

Englishmen never will be slaves: they are free to do whatever the Government and public opinion allow them to do.

If we learn by our mistakes, some of us are getting one hell of an education!

Bacteria: the only culture some people have.

When you do not know what you are doing, do it neatly.

If con is the opposite of pro, congress is the opposite of progress.

Even paranoids have real enemies.

Cleverly Disguised As A Responsible Adult.

It is wiser to find out than to suppose.—Mark Twain

That which cannot be taken apart will fall apart.

How Many Roads Must A Man Travel Down Before He Admits He Is Lost?

In a Budapest zoo: Please do not feed the animals. If you have any suitable food, give it to the guard on duty.

My girlfriend told me I should be more affectionate. So I got two more girlfriends.

When in doubt, mumble.

Accept that some days you’re the pigeon, and some days you’re the statue.

Being a philosopher, I have a problem for every solution.

Work expands to fill the time available. — PARKINSON’S LAW

I heard a man say that brigands demand your money or your life, whereas women require both.

I had amnesia once or twice.

In the beginning, there was nothing. Then God said, “Let there be light,” and there was still nothing, but you could see it.

“A patriot must always be ready to defend his country against his government”. — Edward Abbey

Last night I lay in bed looking up at the stars in the sky and I thought to myself, “Where the heck is the ceiling?”

What hair color do they put on the driver’s licenses of bald men?

Killed - Personality Incompatibility

Madness takes its toll. Please have exact change.

The world is full of willing people; some willing to work, the rest willing to let them.

I wonder how much deeper would the ocean be without sponges.

Honesty is the best policy, but insanity is a better defence.

I work hard because millions on welfare depend on me.

I love cats – they taste just like chicken.

“This ‘telephone’ has too many shortcomings to be seriously considered as a means of communication.” — Western Union internal memo, 1876.

My husband and I divorced over religious differences... He thought he was God and I didn’t.

Don’t talk unless you can improve the silence.

An egotist has one point in his favour – he doesn’t go round talking about other people.

Why is the man that invests your money called a broker?

You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say will be misquoted then used against you.

Half of the people in the world are below average.

Some pain is physical, and some is mental, but one that’s both is dental.

Bachelors have consciences, married men have wives.

A drop of ink may make a million think.

It is said that if you line up all the cars in the world end to end, someone would be stupid enough to try and pass them.

Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?

No sense being pessimistic, it probably wouldn’t work anyway.

Advertisement for donkey rides in Thailand: Would you like to ride on your own ass?

“Thinking is the hardest work there is, which is probably why so few engage in it”. — Henry Ford

Anywhere is walking distance, if you’ve got the time.

“Every mighty oak was once just a nut who stood his ground.”

“There are two major products that come out of Berkeley: LSD and UNIX. We don’t believe this to be a coincidence.” — Jeremy S. Anderson

If I were someone who knew something, who could I tell that would believe me?

If a President doesn’t do it to his wife, he’ll do it to his country.

It is not my interest to pay the principal, nor my principal to pay the interest.

Show me a piano falling down a mineshaft and I’ll show you A-flat minor.

Partying... oops No Only Parting... sorry

Plagiarism saves time.

If you try and don’t succeed, cheat. Repeat until caught. Then lie.

Women like silent men. They think they’re listening.

The only reason some people get lost in thought is because it’s unfamiliar territory.

Marathon runners with bad footwear suffer the agony of defeat.

Five out of four people have trouble with fractions.

Any task worth doing was worth doing yesterday.

It’s not that I’m afraid to die; I just don’t want to be there when it happens.

I don’t meet competition. I crush it

If you’re born again, do you have two bellybuttons?

Man who eat many prunes get good run for money.

The chance of a piece of bread falling with the buttered side down is directly proportional to the cost of the carpet.

Remember half the people you know are below average.

To succeed in politics, it is often necessary to rise above your principles.

Don’t take life too seriously—you’ll never get out of it alive.

Man does not live by words alone, despite the fact that sometimes he has to eat them.

I can resist everything except temptation.

As a final incentive before giving up a difficult task, try to imagine it successfully accomplished by someone you violently dislike.

A day without sun shine is like, you know, night.

The more time you spend in reporting on what you are doing, the less time you have to do it in. Stability is achieved when you spend all your time doing nothing but reporting on the nothing you are doing.

I want to die peacefully in my sleep like my grandfather, not screaming in abject horror like his passengers.

Why is the third hand on the watch called a second hand?

Eagles may soar, but weasels don’t get sucked into jet engines.

If I have to work for an idiot, I might as well work for myself.

Nobody can be exactly like me. Even I have trouble doing it.

Nothing means nothing, but it isn’t really nothing because nothing is something that isn’t.

Smoking cures weight problems...eventually...

I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol.

“Your mouse has moved. Windows must be restarted for the change to take effect. Reboot now ? [OK]”

I started out with nothing, and I still have most of it.

Without question, the greatest invention in the history of mankind is beer. Oh, I grant you that the wheel was also a fine invention, but the wheel does not go nearly as well with pizza.

I don’t have a solution but I admire the problem.

If ever I get married again it would have to be under an anaesthetic.

Lead us not into temptation. Just tell us where it is; we’ll find it.

A person who smiles in the face of adversity... probably has a scapegoat.

Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don’t.

Be nice to your kids. They’ll choose your nursing home.

I changed my iPod’s name to Titanic. It’s syncing now.

“Heavier-than-air flying machines are impossible.” — Lord Kelvin, president, Royal Society, 1895.

Someone sent me a postcard picture of the earth. On the back it said, “Wish you were here.”

If it’s 0 degrees today and it’s going to be twice as cold tomorrow... how cold will it be?

Before marriage, a man yearns for the woman he loves. After marriage, the ‘Y’ becomes silent.

If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?

You’ll never get to heaven if you’re scared of getting high.

Pick your friends but not to pieces.

“On two occasions I have been asked [by members of Parliament!]: ‘Pray, Mr. Babbage, if you put into the machine wrong figures, will the right answers come out ?’ I am not able rightly to apprehend the kind of confusion of ideas that could provoke such a question.” — Charles Babbage.

Cab drivers are living proof that practice does not make perfect.

I had some words with my wife, and she had some paragraphs with me.

99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.

Someday we’ll look back on all this and plow into the back of a parked car.

“When you starve with a tiger, the tiger starves last”. — Griffin’s Thought

An Apple a day keeps the doctor away. But... an onion a day keeps everyone away.

I’m an idealist: I don’t know where I’m going, but I’m on my way.

Good judgement comes from experience. Experience comes from bad judgement.

Just remember... if the world didn’t suck, we’d all fall off.

Be careful when reading health books; you may die of a misprint.

If automobiles had followed the same development cycle as the computer, a Rolls Royce would today cost $100, get a million miles per gallon, and explode once a year, killing everyone inside.

If all you have is a hammer, everything looks like a nail.

He who trains his tongue to quote the learned sages, will be known far and wide as a smart ass.

Go the extra mile. It makes your boss look like an incompetent slacker.

Macho Law prohibits me from admitting I’m wrong.

What if there were no hypothetical questions?

My life has a superb cast but I can’t figure out the plot.

It’s important to be open-minded, but not SO open-minded that your brains fall out.

A hangover is the wrath of grapes.

One martini is all right, two is too many, and three is not enough.

Age always corresponds inversely to the size of your multivitamin.

If a woman has to choose between catching a fly ball and saving an infant’s life, she will choose to save the infant’s life without even considering if there is a man on base.—Dave Barry

Caution – Driver Legally Blonde!

An Irish man was driving to the airport when he saw a sign saying ‘Airport – Left’... So he went home.

If a man opens a car door for a woman, either the car is new or the woman.

“Things are more like they are now than they ever were before.” – Former U.S. President Dwight D. Eisenhower

Jokes about German sausage are the wurst.

Love is blind, but marriage is a real eye-opener.

It’s strange, isn’t it. You stand in the middle of a library and go aaaaagghhhh’ and everyone just stares at you. But you do the same thing on an aeroplane, and everyone joins in.

Sheep don’t fly so much as plummet.

“I worked in a pet shop and people kept asking how big I’d get” — Rodney Dangerfield

Don’t use a big word where a diminutive one will suffice.

Lord, if you won’t make me skinny, please make all my friends fat.

Moderation in all things, including moderation.

Men don’t care what’s on TV. They only care what else is on TV.

Marriage is not a word; it is a sentence.

Everybody is ignorant, only on different subjects.

“Reader, suppose you were an idiot. And suppose you were a member of Congress. But I repeat myself”. — Mark Twain

When I was young, I could remember anything. Whether it happened or not.

Cole’s Law: Thinly sliced cabbage.

Restarting System - Mouse Moved

I’ve always wanted to be normal, but lately I’ve come to suspect that this is it.

One of the greatest labour-saving inventions today is tomorrow.

The things that come to those that wait may be the things left by those who got there first.

There are two kinds of people, those who finish what they start, and so on.

Military intelligence is a contradiction in terms.

A baby sitter is a teenager acting like an adult while the adults are out acting like teenagers.

I am obviously right, and as you disagree with me, then logically you must be wrong.

Anyone can admit they were wrong; the true test is admitting it to someone else.

Eschew obfuscation.

Mind like a steel trap – rusty and illegal in most states.

Best way to get a man to do something, is to suggest they are too old for it.

It’s just a job. Grass grows, birds fly, waves pound the sand. I just beat people up. – Muhammad Ali

What do you call a dinosaur with an extensive vocabulary? A thesaurus.

If vegetable oil comes from vegetables, where does baby oil come from?

Venison for dinner again? Oh deer!

Some people are going to leave a mark on this world, while others will leave a stain.

Cluster bombing from B-52s is very, very accurate – the bombs always hit the ground.

Birthdays are good for you. Statistics show that the people who have the most live the longest.

“I would like to live in Manchester, England. The transition between Manchester and death would be unnoticeable”. — Mark Twain

Quantum mechanics: The dreams stuff is made of.

It’s bad luck to be superstitious.

Progress was all right. Only it went on too long.

One good thing about repeating your mistakes is that you know when to cringe.

What does a clock do when it’s hungry? It goes back four seconds.

He who laughs last thinks slowest.

Everybody lies, but it doesn’t matter since nobody listens.

I think, therefore I am single.

Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian any more than going to the garage makes you a car.

Modesty is a virtue of fools.

I used to be apathetic, but now I don’t give a damn.

If olive oil comes from olives, where does baby oil come from?

When you come to a fork in the road, take it.

The truth is a precious commodity. That’s why I use it so sparingly.

Early to rise, early to bed, makes a man healthy but socially dead.

You’re such an inspiration for the way I’ll never choose to be.

I got a job at a bakery because I kneaded dough.

I have great faith in fools; my friends call it self-confidence.

An egotist is a person of low taste—more interested in himself than in me.

It doesn’t matter what temperature the room is; it’s always room temperature.

Plan to be spontaneous tomorrow.

The illegal we do immediately. The unconstitutional takes a little longer. – Henry Kissinger

If you can’t be kind, at least have the decency to be vague.

“How come we choose from just two people to run for president and 50 for Miss America?”

Authority makes some people grow – and others just swell.

Who is General Failure and why is he reading my hard disk?

When I’m not in my right mind, my left mind gets pretty crowded

Just because you’re not paranoid doesn’t mean they’re not out to get you.

“I wish everyone was peaceful. Then I could take over the planet with a butter knife”—Dogbert

INDECISION is the key to FLEXIBILITY.

At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be “What is hell?” Come early and listen to our choir practice.

A bachelor is a man who comes to work from a different direction each morning.

Abel Tasman on discovering Tasmania, “Too far south for spices and too close to the rim of the earth to be inhabited by anything but freaks and monsters”

Most vegetarians look so much like the food they eat that they can be classified as cannibals.

Anything that can become tangled around something else, will.

“Banking establishments are more dangerous than standing armies”. — Thomas Jefferson

A bargain is something you don’t need at a price you can’t resist.

Cheerfulness is contagious, but don’t wait to catch it from others. Be a carrier.

We’ve made great medical progress in the last generation. What used to be merely an itch is now an allergy.

I love being married. It’s so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.

If you don’t know where you are going, you will wind up somewhere else.

When you get a bladder infection, urine trouble.

Shin: a device for finding furniture in the dark.

I don’t approve of political jokes... I’ve seen too many of them get elected.

Heck is where people go who don’t believe in gosh.

Broken pencils are pointless.

Jokes about German sausage are the wurst.

Perhaps you’re diagonally parked in a parallel universe?

There’s a difference between being open-minded and having a hole in your head

Remember... Marriage is the number one cause of divorce. Statistically, 100% of all divorces started with marriage.

Hard work never killed anybody but why take the chance?

I envy people who drink – at least they know what to blame everything on.

I can please only one person per day. Today is not your day. Tomorrow isn’t looking good either.

Remember, half the people you know are below average.

I plead contemporary insanity.

If at first you don’t succeed, skydiving is not your sport.

“You can always count on Americans to do the right thing—after they’ve tried everything else” – Winston Churchill

As long as there are tests, there will be prayer in public schools.

He does the work of three men: Larry, Moe and Curly.

Tip the world over on its side and everything loose will land in Los Angeles.

Some people are alive only because it’s illegal to kill them.

An army of deer led by a lion is more to be feared than an army of lions led by a deer.

When Chemists die, they barium.

Where you stand depends on where you sit.

If you do not make dust, you eat dust.

Instead of getting married again, I’m going to find a woman I don’t like and just give her a house.—Rod Stewart

Eagles may soar, but weasels don’t get sucked into jet engines.

I have gone to look for myself, if I should return before I get back, keep me here.

A penny saved is a Congressional spending oversight.

Some people are alive only because it’s illegal to kill them.

When angry count four, when very angry, swear.

Sex on television can’t hurt you unless you fall off.

Next time you wave, use all your fingers.

I love deadlines. I especially like the whooshing sound they make as they go flying by.

If you want a committed man, look in a mental hospital.

Bachelors know more about women than married men; if they didn’t they’d be married too.

Always do sober what you said you’d do drunk. That will teach you to keep your mouth shut.

“I have never let my schooling interfere with my education.”—Mark Twain

I am a nobody, nobody is perfect, therefore I’m perfect.

Success always occurs in private, and failure in full public view.

When you are arguing with an idiot, make sure the other person isn’t doing the same thing.

By the time a man realises that his father was right, he has a son who thinks he’s wrong.

I guess traffic in the city is improving a little. Yesterday, I drove clear across town and only had to shave twice.

Ever stop to think and forget to start again?

The trouble with life is there’s no background music.

If quizzes are quizzical, what are tests?

Support bacteria – they’re the only culture some people have.

If you think nobody cares if you’re alive, try missing a couple of car payments.

If we don’t succeed, we run the risk of failure.

They told me I had type A blood, but it was a Type O

He’s so lazy. I’ve seen him step into a revolving door and wait.

PMS jokes aren’t funny. Period.

If life was fair, Elvis would be alive and all the impersonators would be dead.

Make sure your mind isn’t so open that your brains fall out.

The sooner you fall behind the more time you’ll have to catch up.

Having more money doesn’t make you happier. I have 50 million dollars but I’m just as happy as when I had 48 million. ~ Arnold Schwarzenegger.

Gossip: The art of saying nothing while leaving nothing unsaid.

What do you call a dinosaur with an extensive vocabulary? A thesaurus.

If the French were really intelligent, they’d speak English.

“People who drink light beer don’t like the taste of beer; they just like to pee a lot” — Rodney Dangerfield

Love is like an hourglass, with the heart filling up as the brain empties.

If you don’t know why I’m mad at you, then I’m certainly not going to tell you

The short fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.

I like to start my periods with sentences.

The man who fell into an upholstery machine is fully recovered.

If at first you don’t succeed, try management.

I fear my inferiority complex is not as good as yours.

Promises are like babies: fun to make, but hell to deliver.

Age is a very high price to pay for maturity.

Succeed in spite of management. Aim Low; Reach Your Goals, Avoid Disappointment.

Never buy a car you can’t push.

Anything’s possible... apart from skiing through a revolving door.

Get a new car for your spouse – it’ll be a great trade!

I’m an apathetic sociopath – I’d kill you if I cared.

I don’t want to achieve immortality through my work. I want to achieve immortality through not dying.

“Then he ran into my knife. He ran into my knife ten times.” – Chicago

Time is a great teacher, but unfortunately it kills all its pupils.

I couldn’t repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.

Conscience is the inner voice warning us that someone may be looking.

I’m not into working out. My philosophy: No pain, no pain.

To err is human – and to blame it on a computer is even more so.

Borrow money from pessimists- they don’t expect to get it back.

“My computer NEVER loc

I get enough exercise just pushing my luck.

I took an IQ test and the results were negative.

There are 10 types of people in the world: Those who understand binary, and those who don’t.

Why does Sea World have a seafood restaurant? I’m halfway through my fish burger and I realize, Oh my gosh... I could be eating a slow learner.

Sometimes I think the surest sign that intelligent life exists elsewhere in the universe is that none of it has tried to contact us.

Pardon my driving, I am reloading.

I am free of all prejudices. I hate everyone equally.

Even crime wouldn’t pay if the government ran it.

“If builders built buildings the way programmers write programs, then the first woodpecker that came along would destroy civilization” — Weinberg’s Second Law.

People who think they know everything are annoying to those of us who do.

The trouble with jogging is that, by the time you realise you’re not in shape for it, it’s far too far to walk back.

I thought I wanted a career, turns out I just wanted paychecks.

I laugh in the face of danger, except if I’m involved.

Don’t use a big word where a diminutive one will suffice.

Impotence: Nature’s Way Of Saying “No Hard Feelings”.

Man shoots neighbour with machete [The Miami Herald, July 3]

Illiterate? Write For Help.

Ninety-nine per cent of the people in the world are fools and the rest of us are in great danger of contagion.

I didn’t like my beard at first. Then it grew on me.

Outside of a dog, a book is probably man’s best friend, and inside of a dog, it’s too dark to read.

Always try to be modest and be proud of it!

Tips for Vegetarians: Hit a chicken enough times and it turns into a vegetable.

Programmer – A red-eyed, mumbling mammal capable of conversing with inanimate objects.

A dog that attends a flea circus most likely will steal the whole show.

Man who drive like hell bound to get there.

Arguing on the Internet is like competing in the Special Olympics – even if you win, you are still retarded.

If everything is coming your way, you are probably in the wrong lane.

Where there’s a will, I want to be in it.

Half of being smart is knowing what you are dumb at.

Save the whales. Collect the whole set.

If you want your spouse to listen and pay strict attention to every word you say, talk in your sleep.

Anything not nailed down is a cat toy.

I am not a vegetarian because I love animals; I am a vegetarian because I hate plants.

You can always spot a well-informed man – his views are the same as yours.

In elementary school, in case of fire, you have to line up quietly in a single file line from smallest to tallest. What is the logic? Do tall people burn slower?

I like kids, but I don’t think I could eat a whole one.

Climbers aim for the summit because it is there. Bungi jumpers dive off the top because they aren’t all there.

This guy walks into a bar and the barman says “Ouch, that must have hurt”

“They say hard work never hurt anybody, but I figure why take the chance.” – Ronald Reagan

I hate women because they always know where things are.

If you’re not wasted, the day is.

When he first ran for office, he appealed to the voters: “I never stole anything in my life. All I ask is a chance.”

I’d like to see things your way, but I’m looking in another direction.

I majored in liberal arts. Will that be for here or to go?

If you can’t convince them, confuse them.

One should forgive one’s enemies, but not before they are hanged.

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