Amusing Quotes & One-Liners

Good judgement comes from experience. Experience comes from bad judgement.

What does a clock do when it’s hungry? It goes back four seconds.

A clean tie attracts the soup of the day.

Men’s faults are many, women have only two. Everything they say, and everything they do.

Constipated People Don’t Give A Crap.

“This report, by its very length, defends itself against the risk of being read”. — Winston Churchill

If the French were really intelligent, they’d speak English.

All my life, I always wanted to be somebody. Now I see that I should have been more specific.

Cheer up, the worst is yet to come.

The more time you spend in reporting on what you are doing, the less time you have to do it in. Stability is achieved when you spend all your time doing nothing but reporting on the nothing you are doing.

“War does not determine who is right - only who is left.” – Bertrand Russell

It is hard to understand how a cemetery raised its burial charges and blamed it on the cost of living.

If sex is such a natural phenomenon, how come there are so many books on how to do it.

If you want your spouse to listen and pay strict attention to every word you say, talk in your sleep.

“Always in motion the future is. Seasick it makes me. That’s why so green I am”. – Yoda

When I was a boy I was told that anybody could become president; I’m beginning to believe it.

What’s the definition of a will? (It’s a dead giveaway).

Help Wanted: Telepath. You know where to apply.

It’s not true that married men live longer than single men. It only seems longer.

When I’m not in my right mind, my left mind gets pretty crowded

Anything not nailed down is mine. Anything I can pry loose is not nailed down.

The beatings will continue until morale improves.

Velcro — what a rip off!

It is not what a teenager knows that bothers his parents. It is how he found out.

If At First You Don’t Succeed... Blame Someone Else And Seek Counseling.

I’m quite easy to get along with, once you learn to beckon at my every call and yield to all my desires.

My life has a superb cast but I can’t figure out the plot.

I get enough exercise just pushing my luck.

“Managing senior programmers is like herding cats” — Dave Platt.

Booze is the answer. I don’t remember the question.

I got a job at a bakery because I kneaded dough.

I don’t meet competition. I crush it

Shin: a device for finding furniture in the dark.

I’m an idealist: I don’t know where I’m going, but I’m on my way.

“On two occasions I have been asked [by members of Parliament!]: ‘Pray, Mr. Babbage, if you put into the machine wrong figures, will the right answers come out ?’ I am not able rightly to apprehend the kind of confusion of ideas that could provoke such a question.” — Charles Babbage.

Get a new car for your spouse – it’ll be a great trade!

I think, therefore I am single.

Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

Despite the cost of living it’s still very popular.

Energizer Bunny arrested: Charged with battery.

I have the body of a GOD – Buddha.

Where there’s a will, I want to be in it.

If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?

Being single is like a vacuum. It sucks when you are turned on.

A bargain is something you don’t need at a price you can’t resist.

“The best thing about the future is that it comes only one day at a time.” – Abraham Lincoln

Time is God’s way of keeping everything from happening at once.

I want to die peacefully in my sleep like my grandfather, not screaming in abject horror like his passengers.

Before marriage, a man yearns for the woman he loves. After marriage, the ‘Y’ becomes silent.

I heard a man say that brigands demand your money or your life, whereas women require both.

I am not a vegetarian because I love animals; I am a vegetarian because I hate plants.

“Oh dear,” said God, “I hadn’t thought of that,” and promptly vanished in a puff of logic.

Never go to a doctor whose office plants have died.

Every time I look at you I get a fierce desire to be lonesome.

Time flies like an arrow – fruit flies like a banana.

Men have a much better time of it than women; for one thing, they marry later; for another thing they die earlier.

If quizzes are quizzical, what are tests?

Ninety-nine per cent of the people in the world are fools and the rest of us are in great danger of contagion.

You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.

If you can’t convince them, confuse them.

It is not my interest to pay the principal, nor my principal to pay the interest.

An Irish man was driving to the airport when he saw a sign saying ‘Airport – Left’... So he went home.

He who smiles in a crisis has found someone to blame.

I arise in the morning torn between a desire to improve the world and a desire to enjoy the world. This makes it hard to plan the day.

The only reason some people get lost in thought is because it’s unfamiliar territory.

If you can stay calm, while all around you is chaos... then you probably haven’t completely understood the situation.

Be nice to your kids. They’ll choose your nursing home.

Being a philosopher, I have a problem for every solution.

Consciousness: that annoying time between naps.

Why is it called tourist season if we can’t shoot at them?

“They say hard work never hurt anybody, but I figure why take the chance.” – Ronald Reagan

Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.

“I’ve noticed that everyone who is for abortion has already been born.” – Ronald Reagan

As long as there are tests, there will be prayer in public schools.

You have to stay in shape. My grandmother, she started walking five miles a day when she was 60. She’s 97 today and we don’t know where the hell she is.

A guy got arrested for playing the guitar. He was fingering a minor.

Youth would be an ideal state if it came a little later in life.

You’ll never get to heaven if you’re scared of getting high.

Outside of a dog, a book is probably man’s best friend, and inside of a dog, it’s too dark to read.

A committee is a body that keeps minutes and wastes hours.

Always remember you’re unique, just like everyone else.

Everybody lies, but it doesn’t matter since nobody listens.

Men occasionally stumble over the truth, but most of them pick themselves up and hurry off as if nothing had happened. – Winston Churchill

The dumber people think you are, the more surprised they’re going to be when you kill them—Rodney Dangerfield

Broken pencils are pointless.

If money talks, it ain’t on speakin’ terms with me.

Keyboard not detected. Press F1 to continue

It is a small world, but I wouldn’t like to have to paint it.

According to recent study someone is run over by a car every 5 minutes in the city. You’d think the guy would have enough sense to get out of the street.

I have had more trouble with myself than with any other man I’ve met.

Climbers aim for the summit because it is there. Bungi jumpers dive off the top because they aren’t all there.

One good turn gets most of the blankets.

Alcohol: the cause of, and solution to, all of life’s problems.

It doesn’t matter what temperature the room is; it’s always room temperature.

“Auntie Em: hate you, hate Kansas, taking the dog.” – Dorothy

Time’s fun when you’re having flies... Kermit the Frog

It’s strange, isn’t it. You stand in the middle of a library and go aaaaagghhhh’ and everyone just stares at you. But you do the same thing on an aeroplane, and everyone joins in.

An egotist has one point in his favour – he doesn’t go round talking about other people.

Bachelors have consciences, married men have wives.

The doctor can bury his mistakes but an architect can only advise his client to plant vines.

I stayed up all night to see where the sun went. Then it dawned on me.

It has recently been discovered that research causes cancer in rats.

Eagles may soar, but weasels don’t get sucked into jet engines.

How do you know if a fish is Irish? It has drowned.

Cheerfulness is contagious, but don’t wait to catch it from others. Be a carrier.

Bacteria: the only culture some people have.

If the human brain were so simple that we could understand it, we would be so simple we couldn’t.

I had amnesia once or twice.

Macho Law prohibits me from admitting I’m wrong.

If everything is coming your way, you are probably in the wrong lane.

I’m an apathetic sociopath – I’d kill you if I cared.

I Haven’t Lost My Mind, It’s Backed Up On Disk Somewhere.

The surprising thing about young fools is how many survive to become old fools.

Illiterate? Write For Help.

Madness takes its toll. Please have exact change.

Money can’t buy happiness, but it sure makes misery easier to live with.

Where you stand depends on where you sit.

“Heavier-than-air flying machines are impossible.” — Lord Kelvin, president, Royal Society, 1895.

Always try to be modest and be proud of it!

If I were someone who knew something, who could I tell that would believe me?

Succeed in spite of management. Aim Low; Reach Your Goals, Avoid Disappointment.

Am I getting smart with you? How would you know?

Technology is a way of organizing the universe so that man doesn’t have to experience it.

Remember half the people you know are below average.

How do you spot an Irishman at a carwash? He’s the one on the bike.

In the beginning, God created earth and rested. Then God created man and rested. Then God created woman. Since then, neither God nor man has rested.

Support bacteria – they’re the only culture some people have.

“A patriot must always be ready to defend his country against his government”. — Edward Abbey

“Few things are harder to put up with than a good example.”—Mark Twain

Remember... Marriage is the number one cause of divorce. Statistically, 100% of all divorces started with marriage.

I plead contemporary insanity.

A soldier who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran.

Originality is the fine art of remembering what you hear, but forgetting where you heard it.

“A girl phoned me the other day and said... Come on over, there’s nobody home. I went over. Nobody was home” — Rodney Dangerfield

System Error - Windows Loaded

The sooner you fall behind the more time you’ll have to catch up.

If a job is worth doing well get someone else to do it.

On the plus side, death is one of the few things that can be done just as easily as lying down.

Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7th of your life.

Just remember... if the world didn’t suck, we’d all fall off.

Cole’s Law: Thinly sliced cabbage.

Half our life is spent trying to find something to do with the time we have rushed through life trying to save.

The illegal we do immediately. The unconstitutional takes a little longer. – Henry Kissinger

I’m not dumb; I just have a command of thoroughly useless information.

I know a guy who is addicted to brake fluid. He says he can stop anytime.

How can you come out of a closet if you never went in there in the first place?

Some people are alive only because it’s illegal to kill them.

Errors have been made. Others will be blamed.

“He has been given a large brain by mistake, since for him the spinal cord would fully suffice.” — Albert Einstein

Ever stop to think and forget to start again?

I have great faith in fools; my friends call it self-confidence.

Early to rise, early to bed, makes a man healthy but socially dead.

My mind not only wanders, sometimes it leaves completely.

Best way to get a man to do something, is to suggest they are too old for it.

Modesty is a virtue of fools.

Statistics are like bikinis – What they reveal is suggestive, but what they conceal is vital.

A great many people think they are thinking when they are merely rearranging their prejudices.

If at first you don’t succeed, try, try again. Then quit. There’s no use being a damned fool about it.

Even paranoids have real enemies.

“How can a president not be an actor?” – when asked “How could an actor become president?” – Ronald Reagan

It’s not that I’m afraid to die; I just don’t want to be there when it happens.

If I have to work for an idiot, I might as well work for myself.

I dropped out of communism class because of lousy Marx.

Don’t use a big word where a diminutive one will suffice.

I am a nobody, nobody is perfect, therefore I’m perfect.

I thought I wanted a career, turns out I just wanted paychecks.

Man does not live by words alone, despite the fact that sometimes he has to eat them.

“I wish everyone was peaceful. Then I could take over the planet with a butter knife”—Dogbert

You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They left a little note on the windscreen, it said ‘Parking Fine.’

“People who drink light beer don’t like the taste of beer; they just like to pee a lot” — Rodney Dangerfield

I intend to live forever – so far, so good.

The world is full of willing people; some willing to work, the rest willing to let them.

Last night I lay in bed looking up at the stars in the sky and I thought to myself, “Where the heck is the ceiling?”

“If builders built buildings the way programmers write programs, then the first woodpecker that came along would destroy civilization” — Weinberg’s Second Law.

I laugh in the face of danger, except if I’m involved.

A dog that attends a flea circus most likely will steal the whole show.

Jokes about German sausage are the wurst.

Oh, don’t fuss. I just cut myself. It’s no big deal,” REALLY MEANS, “I have actually severed a limb, but will bleed to death before I admit I’m hurt.”

Does this smell like chloroform to you?

If you don’t know why I’m mad at you, then I’m certainly not going to tell you

I tried to photograph the fog, but I mist.

“There are only two things that are infinite: the universe and human stupidity. And I’m not sure about the universe.” A. Einstein

Quantum: Noun, word used to sound like I know what I’m talking about while discussing physics I’ve never actually studied.

What hair color do they put on the driver’s licenses of bald men?

That which cannot be taken apart will fall apart.

If you can’t convince them, confuse them.

From the moment I picked your book up until I laid it down I was convulsed with laughter. Some day I intend reading it.

I wondered why the baseball was getting bigger. Then it hit me.

There is nothing so annoying as to have two people go right on talking when you’re interrupting.

“When you starve with a tiger, the tiger starves last”. — Griffin’s Thought

Eat a live toad first thing in the morning, and nothing worse can happen to you the rest of the day.

“Reading computer manuals without the hardware is as frustrating as reading sex manuals without the software.” — Arthur C. Clarke.

It is well to remember the entire population of the universe, with one trifling exception, is composed of others.

There are two kinds of people, those who finish what they start, and so on.

In democracy it’s your vote that counts. In feudalism it’s your count that votes.

Success always occurs in private, and failure in full public view.

Moderation in all things, including moderation.

Two strings walk into a bar. The first string says to the bartender, “Bartender, I’ll have a beer. u.5n$x5t?*&4ru!2[sACCErJ”. The second string says, “Pardon my friend, he isn’t NULL terminated”.

In a Budapest zoo: Please do not feed the animals. If you have any suitable food, give it to the guard on duty.

If you don’t pay your exorcist you get repossessed.

If life was fair, Elvis would be alive and all the impersonators would be dead.

To define recursion, we must first define recursion.

System Error - Windows Loaded

The art of flying is to throw yourself at the ground and miss.

I spent most of my money on booze, drugs and women... The rest I wasted!

Man who eat many prunes get good run for money.

Pardon my driving, I am reloading.

In this world, nothing is certain but death and taxes. – Benjamin Franklin

There’s a fine line between genius and insanity. I have erased this line.

Honest criticism is hard to take, particularly from a relative, a friend, an acquaintance, or a stranger.

They say you only use ten percent of your brain. What about the other ten?

I married Miss Right. I just didn’t know her first name was Always.

Conscience is the inner voice warning us that someone may be looking.

I work hard because millions on welfare depend on me.

When you are arguing with an idiot, make sure the other person isn’t doing the same thing.

Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy.

You’re not drunk if you can lie on the floor without holding on.

I don’t have an attitude problem. You have a perception problem.

It is even harder for the average ape to believe that he has descended from man.

“If carrots are so good for the eyes, how come I see so many dead rabbits on the highway?”

To succeed in politics, it is often necessary to rise above your principles.

Don’t Be Sexist – Broads Hate That.

If it’s 0 degrees today and it’s going to be twice as cold tomorrow... how cold will it be?

There are only three kinds of people; people who can count and people who can’t.

You’re such an inspiration for the way I’ll never choose to be.

If puns were outlawed, only outlaws would have puns.

Hypochondria is the only disease I haven’t got.

“How come we choose from just two people to run for president and 50 for Miss America?”

“I would like to live in Manchester, England. The transition between Manchester and death would be unnoticeable”. — Mark Twain

Raising teenagers is like trying to nail Jell-O to a tree.

It used to be only death and taxes were inevitable. Now, of course, there’s shipping and handling, too.

“Your mouse has moved. Windows must be restarted for the change to take effect. Reboot now ? [OK]”

As the light changed from red to green to yellow and back to red again, I sat there thinking about life. Was it nothing more than a bunch of honking and yelling? Sometimes it seemed that way.

A dyslexic man walks into a bra.

Friends may come and go, but enemies accumulate

Remember, half the people you know are below average.

Caution – Driver Legally Blonde!

If it weren’t for electricity we’d all be watching television by candlelight?

A procrastinator’s work is never done.

“As a matter of fact” is an expression that precedes many an expression that isn’t.

Years ago fairy tales began with “Once upon a time...” Now it’s “If I am elected...”

Make sure your mind isn’t so open that your brains fall out.

A bachelor is a man who comes to work from a different direction each morning.

If people concentrated on the really important things in life, there’d be a shortage of fishing poles.

If ever I get married again it would have to be under an anaesthetic.

Bigamy is having one wife too many. Monogamy is the same. – Oscar Wilde

“I believe in equality for everyone, except reporters and photographers”. — Gandhi

I take everything I can for my kleptomania.

God must love stupid people, he made so many.

Whenever there is any doubt, there is no doubt.

“The web is a dominatrix. Every where I turn, I see little buttons ordering me to Submit.” — Nytwind.

By the time a man realises that his father was right, he has a son who thinks he’s wrong.

Never underestimate the power of very stupid people in large groups.

Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying of nothing.

History will be kind to me for I intend to write it. – Winston Churchill

Hang in there; retirement is only thirty years away.

I changed my iPod’s name to Titanic. It’s syncing now.

Vote for the man who promises least; he’ll be the least disappointing.

111,111,111 x 111,111,111 = 12,345,678,987,654,321

I stayed up all night to see where the sun went. Then it dawned on me.

My favorite mythical creature? The honest politician.

If you don’t know where you are going, you might wind up someplace else.

It’s easy to quit smoking... I’ve done it over 10,000 times.

I have spent my whole life looking for the perfect woman, and now I’ve found her. Too bad she’s looking for the perfect man.

Why does Sea World have a seafood restaurant? I’m halfway through my fish burger and I realize, Oh my gosh... I could be eating a slow learner.

Be careful when reading health books; you may die of a misprint.

Nothing means nothing, but it isn’t really nothing because nothing is something that isn’t.

A backwards poet writes inverse.

Hard work never killed anybody but why take the chance?

Military intelligence is a contradiction in terms.

If all you have is a hammer, everything looks like a nail.

“Blink your eyelids periodically to lubricate your eyes.” — Page 16 of the HP “Environmental, Health Safety Handbook for Employees”.

I used to think I was indecisive, but now I’m not sure.

When a clock is hungry, it goes back four seconds.

Everybody is ignorant, only on different subjects.

If you try and don’t succeed, cheat. Repeat until caught. Then lie.

There are 10 types of people in the world: Those who understand binary, and those who don’t.

I used to be a Kleptomaniac, But now I’m taking something for it

Horn broken. Watch for finger. (on bumper sticker)

Democracy is a process by which people are free to choose the man who will get the blame.

Procrastinate Now!

TEAMWORK... means never having to take all the blame yourself.

The chance of a piece of bread falling with the buttered side down is directly proportional to the cost of the carpet.

I have a simple philosophy. Fill what’s empty. Empty what’s full. Scratch where it itches.

Smith & Wesson — the original point and click interface.

I love deadlines. I especially like the whooshing sound they make as they go flying by.

Laughing stock: cattle with a sense of humour.

“Reader, suppose you were an idiot. And suppose you were a member of Congress. But I repeat myself”. — Mark Twain

Anything’s possible... apart from skiing through a revolving door.

When your IQ reaches 80 –– sell.

Don’t take life too seriously—you’ll never get out of it alive.

He who trains his tongue to quote the learned sages, will be known far and wide as a smart ass.

The man who fell into an upholstery machine is fully recovered.

It’s important to be open-minded, but not SO open-minded that your brains fall out.

What if there were no hypothetical questions?

Anything that can become tangled around something else, will.

What Has Four Legs And An Arm? A Happy Pit Bull.

Haunted French pancakes give me the crêpes.

If at first you don’t succeed, try management.

If at first you don’t succeed, destroy all the evidence that you tried.

“Hey, I’ve got reasons for what I’m doing,” REALLY MEANS, “I sure hope I think of some pretty soon.”

The early bird gets the worm, but the early worm gets eaten.

A team effort is a lot of people doing what I say

I spilled spot remover on my dog. Now he’s gone.

I’m in no shape to exercise.

Quantum mechanics: The dreams stuff is made of.

I am amazed at radio DJ’s today. I am firmly convinced that AM on my radio stands for Absolute Moron. I will not begin to tell you what FM stands for.

If we aren’t supposed to eat animals, why are they made of meat?

Always do sober what you said you’d do drunk. That will teach you to keep your mouth shut.

When you come to a fork in the road, take it.

Mental Floss prevents Moral Decay.

Age is an issue of mind over matter. If you don’t mind, it doesn’t matter.

This girl said she recognized me from the vegetarian club, but I’d never met herbivore

As a final incentive before giving up a difficult task, try to imagine it successfully accomplished by someone you violently dislike.

Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.

Connection Reset - Insufficient Electrons

Optimists believe we live on the greatest world. Pessimists believe this is true.

An army of deer led by a lion is more to be feared than an army of lions led by a deer.

I’m desperately trying to figure out why kamikaze pilots wore helmets.

Why were the Indians here first? They had reservations.

Computers make it easy to do a lot of things, but most of the things that make it easier to do don’t need to be done.

Comedy is tragedy plus time.

Cab drivers are living proof that practice does not make perfect.

Instead of getting married again, I’m going to find a woman I don’t like and just give her a house.—Rod Stewart

No sense being pessimistic, it probably wouldn’t work anyway.

Love is blind, but marriage is a real eye-opener.

Life... I don’t get it...

Promises are like babies: fun to make, but hell to deliver.

Just because you’re not paranoid doesn’t mean they’re not out to get you.

Five out of four people have trouble with fractions.

Hemp is a herb. Bush is a dope.

If you choke a smurf, what colour does it turn?

I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol.

The number of people watching you is directly proportional to the stupidity of your action.

An egotist is a person of low taste—more interested in himself than in me.

A day without sun shine is like, you know, night.

“I could tell that my parents hated me. My bath toys were a toaster and a radio” — Rodney Dangerfield

Even crime wouldn’t pay if the government ran it.

Nobody can be exactly like me. Even I have trouble doing it.

Lord, if you won’t make me skinny, please make all my friends fat.

In the beginning, there was nothing. Then God said, “Let there be light,” and there was still nothing, but you could see it.

A penny saved is a Congressional spending oversight.

I can resist everything except temptation.

I was at a bar nursing a beer. My nipple was getting quite soggy.

I think that’s how Chicago got started. A bunch of people in New York said, “Gee, I’m enjoying the crime and the poverty, but it just isn’t cold enough. Let’s go west.”—Richard Jeni

I have noticed that the people who are late are often so much jollier that the people who have to wait for them.

Perhaps you’re diagonally parked in a parallel universe?

Eschew obfuscation.

One should forgive one’s enemies, but not before they are hanged.

“If women didn’t exist, all the money in the world would have no meaning.” – Aristotle Onassis

Pick your friends but not to pieces.

I’m sorry; you cannot have an outlook on life because it isn’t responding. Microsoft apologises for any inconvenience.

Chaos, panic, & disorder – my work here is done.

I was the next door kid’s imaginary friend.

How do you get an Irishman to burn his ear? Ring him up while he is ironing.

I don’t suffer from stress. I’m a carrier.

For Sale: Parachute. Only used once, never opened, small stain.

Prediction is extremely difficult. Especially about the future.

If someone with multiple personalities threatens suicide... is it considered a hostage situation?

Women like silent men. They think they’re listening.

I’m reading a book about anti-gravity. I can’t put it down.

Killed - Personality Incompatibility

Brilliant, but with the social skills of a thermonuclear device.

Knowledge is the key, but where is the damn lock?

After all is said and done, more is said than done.

Snowmen fall from Heaven unassembled.

Isn’t having a smoking section in a restaurant like having a peeing section in a swimming pool?

This Would Be Really Funny If It Weren’t Happening To Me.

In a Norwegian cocktail lounge: Ladies are requested not to have children in the bar.

Don’t use a big word where a diminutive one will suffice.

Honesty is the best policy, but insanity is a better defence.

The secret of success is sincerity. Once you can fake that you’ve got it made.

Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?

Democracy is the recurrent suspicion that more than half of the people are right more than half of the time.

When he first ran for office, he appealed to the voters: “I never stole anything in my life. All I ask is a chance.”

I did a theatrical performance about puns. It was a play on words.

Impotence: Nature’s Way Of Saying “No Hard Feelings”.

People can be divided into three groups: Those who make things happen, those who watch things happen, and those who wonder what happened.

I either want less corruption, or more chance to participate in it.

Sometimes I think the surest sign that intelligent life exists elsewhere in the universe is that none of it has tried to contact us.

I used to be a banker, but then I lost interest.

A baby sitter is a teenager acting like an adult while the adults are out acting like teenagers.

Without question, the greatest invention in the history of mankind is beer. Oh, I grant you that the wheel was also a fine invention, but the wheel does not go nearly as well with pizza.

If you’re born again, do you have two bellybuttons?

The trouble with jogging is that, by the time you realise you’re not in shape for it, it’s far too far to walk back.

He’s not dead, he’s electroencephalographically challenged.

A synonym is a word you use when you can’t spell the word you first thought of.

If a President doesn’t do it to his wife, he’ll do it to his country.

Marriage is not a word; it is a sentence.

I live in my own little world, but it’s ok they know me here.

A bird in the hand is safer than one overhead.

You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say will be misquoted then used against you.

Just because your head is the biggest doesn’t mean it contains the right ideas.

A conscience does not prevent sin. It only prevents you from enjoying it.

All those who believe in psycho kinesis raise my hand.

Money is better than poverty, if only for financial reasons.

“Every mighty oak was once just a nut who stood his ground.”

Only a fool is astonished by the foolishness of humankind.

How Many Roads Must A Man Travel Down Before He Admits He Is Lost?

Don’t talk unless you can improve the silence.

Borrow money from pessimists- they don’t expect to get it back.

Stupidity is not a handicap. Park elsewhere!

Restarting System - Mouse Moved

If you don’t learn to laugh at troubles, you won’t have anything to laugh at when you grow old.

I couldn’t repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.

For people who like peace and quiet – a phoneless cord.

Half of being smart is knowing what you are dumb at.

Streakers beware: Your end is in sight.

Age always corresponds inversely to the size of your multivitamin.

I generally avoid temptation unless I can’t resist it.

The most precious thing we have is life. Yet it has absolutely no trade-in value.

Why do we wash bath towels, aren’t we clean when we use them?

Lead us not into temptation. Just tell us where it is; we’ll find it.

“My computer NEVER loc

Insanity is hereditary; you can get it from your children.

A bird does not sing because it has an answer—it sings because it has a song.

Never put both feet in your mouth at the same time, because then you don’t have a leg to stand on.

Smoking cures weight problems...eventually...

I hate women because they always know where things are.

“The object of war is not to die for your country but to make the other bastard die for his.” – General George Patton

Take my advice, I don’t use it anyway.

What happens if you get scared half to death twice?

Everyone needs belief in something. I believe I’ll have another beer.

Any ship can be a minesweeper... once.

Maybe I’m lucky to be going so slowly, because I may be going in the wrong direction.

Laugh at your problems; everybody else does.

Once, during prohibition, I was forced to live for days on nothing but food and water.

My parents stayed together for forty years, but that was out of spite.

Having more money doesn’t make you happier. I have 50 million dollars but I’m just as happy as when I had 48 million. ~ Arnold Schwarzenegger.

People don’t grow up; they just learn how to act in public.

On the keyboard of life, always keep one finger on the escape key.

I wished the buck stopped here, as I could use a few.

Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian any more than going to the garage makes you a car.

It’s hard to face the problem, when the problem is your face.

On a tombstone: I TOLD YOU I WAS SICK

I don’t suffer from stress. I’m a carrier.

We Quit Voting Will They All Go Away?

Democracy is a government where you can say what you think even if you don’t think.

Mines are equal opportunity weapons.

I guess traffic in the city is improving a little. Yesterday, I drove clear across town and only had to shave twice.

Love is like an hourglass, with the heart filling up as the brain empties.

Eagles may soar, but weasels don’t get sucked into jet engines.

Someday we’ll look back on all this and plow into the back of a parked car.

When Chemists die, they barium.

“C++ : Where friends have access to your private members.” — Gavin Russell Baker.

I like children. Properly cooked.

“Are you going to come quietly, or do I have to use earplugs?”—Vale Spike Milligan

I often quote myself; it adds spice to my conversation.

If it’s true that we are here to help others, then what exactly are the others here for?

Some people are alive only because it’s illegal to kill them.

I Refuse To Have A Battle Of Wits With An Unarmed Person.

I majored in liberal arts. Will that be for here or to go?

If you want a committed man, look in a mental hospital.

There are two kinds of people, those who finish what they start, and so on.

Marathon runners with bad footwear suffer the agony of defeat.

I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.

Latest survey shows that 3 out of 4 people make up 75% of the world’s population.

I can please only one person per day. Today is not your day. Tomorrow isn’t looking good either.

It is hard enough to remember my opinions, without also remembering my reasons for them!

Those who can laugh without cause have either found the true meaning of happiness or have gone stark raving mad.

I’d give my right arm to be ambidextrous.

If you can’t be kind, at least have the decency to be vague.

If you’re not wasted, the day is.

I’m out of my mind, but feel free to leave a message.

In a Rome laundry: Ladies, leave your clothes here and spend the afternoon having a good time.

Half of the people in the world are below average.

Progress was all right. Only it went on too long.

Any task worth doing was worth doing yesterday.

Somewhere on this globe, every ten seconds, is a woman giving birth to a child. She must be found and stopped.

Does your train of thought have a caboose?

Go the extra mile. It makes your boss look like an incompetent slacker.

A pessimist is a man who has been compelled to live with an optimist

Sheep don’t fly so much as plummet.

I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.

Well if this is the wrong number, why did you answer it?

AIBOHPHOBIA – the fear of palindromes.

My husband and I divorced over religious differences... He thought he was God and I didn’t.

Men don’t care what’s on TV. They only care what else is on TV.

We’ve made great medical progress in the last generation. What used to be merely an itch is now an allergy.

The best computer is a man, and it’s the only one that can be mass-produced by unskilled labour.

Authority makes some people grow – and others just swell.

Mind like a steel trap – rusty and illegal in most states.

Youth is a wonderful thing. What a crime to waste it on children.

My one regret in life is that I am not someone else.

Make three correct guesses consecutively and you will establish yourself as an expert.

Time is a great teacher, but unfortunately it kills all its pupils.

There’s a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot.

My schoolmates would make love to anything that moved, but I never saw any reason to limit myself.

Did you hear about the cross-eyed teacher who lost her job because she couldn’t control her pupils?

Work: It isn’t just for sleeping anymore.

Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

A hangover is the wrath of grapes.

Every morning is the dawn of a new error.

Some people say that I must be a horrible person, but that’s not true. I have the heart of a young boy – in a jar on my desk.

Artificial Intelligence is no match for Natural Stupidity.

Show me a piano falling down a mineshaft and I’ll show you A-flat minor.

Who is General Failure and why is he reading my hard disk?

The earthquake in Washington obviously was the government’s fault.

When I was young, I could remember anything. Whether it happened or not.

Tell me what you need, and I’ll tell you how to get along without it.

Experience is simply the name we give our mistakes.

I married my wife for her looks... but not the ones she’s been giving me lately!

If I were two-faced, would I be wearing this one?

Outside a Hong Kong tailor shop: Ladies may have a fit upstairs.

“Inconceivable!” “I do not think that word means what you think it means.”

I hope that after I die, people will say of me: “That guy sure owed me a lot of money.”

The amount of work to be done increases in proportion to the amount of work already completed. — VAIL’S SECOND AXIOM

One of the greatest labour-saving inventions today is tomorrow.

All men are equal. Some are just more equal than others.

IRS: We’ve got what it takes to take what you’ve got.

Before you give a colleague a piece of your mind, be sure you can spare it.

Legend: a lie that has attained the dignity of age.

I am obviously right, and as you disagree with me, then logically you must be wrong.

Genius is 1% inspiration, and 99% perspiration.

Venison for dinner again? Oh deer!

The sooner you fall behind the more time you’ll have to catch up.

“I’ve been on a calendar but I have never been on time” – Marilyn Monroe

The only perfect science is hindsight.

Anger is only one letter away from danger.

Allow me to introduce my selves.

Age is a question of mind over matter. If you don’t mind, it don’t matter.

Stupidity is not a handicap! Park somewhere else!

The human brain is a wonderful thing. It starts working the moment you are born, and never stops until you stand up to speak in public.

Foolproof systems don’t take into account the ingenuity of fools.

Heck is where people go who don’t believe in gosh.

They told me I had type A blood, but it was a Type O

Confidence is the feeling you have before you understand the situation

If you’re not confused, you’re not paying attention.

Plagiarism saves time.

Money is flat and meant to be piled up. – Scottish Proverb

There are three ways to get something done: do it yourself, hire someone, or forbid your kids to do it.

It is wiser to find out than to suppose.—Mark Twain

A conclusion is simply the place where you got tired of thinking.

Cleverly Disguised As A Responsible Adult.

The second day of a diet is alway easier than the first. By the second day, you’re off it.

To B or not to B? *kills the B* I HATE BEES!!!! – LynxofCP

At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be “What is hell?” Come early and listen to our choir practice.

Fundamentalism: Believe in a kind, loving God or we’ll kill you!

I always wanted to be somebody, but I should have been more specific.

I’d explain it to you, but your brain would explode.

A person who smiles in the face of adversity... probably has a scapegoat.

When you get a bladder infection, urine trouble.

Someone sent me a postcard picture of the earth. On the back it said, “Wish you were here.”

Whenever I feel like exercise, I lie down until the feeling passes.

Arguing on the Internet is like competing in the Special Olympics – even if you win, you are still retarded.

Next time you wave, use all your fingers.

You can say any foolish thing to a dog, and the dog will give you a look that says, “My God, you’re right! I never would’ve thought of that!”

If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?

Whenever people agree with me, I always feel I must be wrong.

The difference between a stepping-stone and a stumbling block can be when you see it.

What’s another word for Thesaurus?

How do you keep an Irishman busy? Write P.T.O on both sides of a piece of paper.

What do you call a dinosaur with an extensive vocabulary? A thesaurus.

Don’t marry for money. You can borrow it cheaper.

Laugh and the world laughs with you; snore and you sleep alone.

We must believe in free will, we have no choice.

When all other means of communication fail, try words.

If we learn by our mistakes, some of us are getting one hell of an education!

You can always spot a well-informed man – his views are the same as yours.

Lots of people know a good thing the minute the other fellow sees it first.

Tips for Vegetarians: Hit a chicken enough times and it turns into a vegetable.

He who laughs last thinks slowest.

“Then he ran into my knife. He ran into my knife ten times.” – Chicago

People with narrow minds usually have broad tongues.

If vegetable oil comes from vegetables, where does baby oil come from?

Don’t look back. Something may be gaining on you.

Everyone hates me because I’m paranoid.

This guy walks into a bar and the barman says “Ouch, that must have hurt”

Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?

I’m not afraid of heights, only widths.

They say if you play a Microsoft CD backwards you hear satanic messages. That’s nothing, if you play it forwards it installs Windows.

INDECISION is the key to FLEXIBILITY.

In a Tokyo shop: Our nylons cost more than common, but you’ll find they are best in the long run.

Politicians are people who, when they see the light at the end of the tunnel, go out and buy more tunnel.

There’s a difference between being open-minded and having a hole in your head

If trees could scream, would we be so cavalier about cutting them down? We might, if they screamed all the time, for no good reason.

PMS jokes aren’t funny. Period.

Wine divulges truth.

I haven’t spoken to my wife for 18 months: I don’t like to interrupt her.

Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?

To err is human – and to blame it on a computer is even more so.

Anything not nailed down is a cat toy.

If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?

“Things are more like they are now than they ever were before.” – Former U.S. President Dwight D. Eisenhower

Man who run in front of car get tired.

On the other hand you have different fingers.

When you do not know what you are doing, do it neatly.

If you don’t know where you are going, you will wind up somewhere else.

Blessed are the young, for they shall inherit the national debt.

Character is what you are in the dark.

I started out with nothing, and I still have most of it.

Better to remain silent and be thought a fool, than to speak and remove all doubt.

Most vegetarians look so much like the food they eat that they can be classified as cannibals.

You can’t have everything. Where would you put it?

A drop of ink may make a million think.

A cartoonist was found dead in his home. Details are sketchy.

“I have never let my schooling interfere with my education.”—Mark Twain

An Apple a day keeps the doctor away. But... an onion a day keeps everyone away.

He often broke into song because he couldn’t find the key.

I installed a skylight in my apartment. The people who live above me are furious.

There are 3 kinds of people: those who can count and those who can’t.

Shin: a device for finding furniture in the dark.

There are very few personal problems that cannot be solved through a suitable application of high explosives.

Bacteria: the only culture some people have.

When in trouble, fear or doubt, run in circles, scream and shout.

I had some words with my wife, and she had some paragraphs with me.

Men are from earth. Women are from earth. Deal with it.

Programmer – A red-eyed, mumbling mammal capable of conversing with inanimate objects.

In the office of a Roman doctor: Specialist in women and other diseases.

Everybody is somebody else’s weirdo.

Not all men are annoying. Some are dead.

I majored in liberal arts. Will that be for here or to go?

“You can always count on Americans to do the right thing—after they’ve tried everything else” – Winston Churchill

One good thing about repeating your mistakes is that you know when to cringe.

I wonder how much deeper would the ocean be without sponges.

Solitude is fine, but you need someone to tell you that solitude is fine.

I don’t enjoy computer jokes; not one bit.

“The generation of random numbers is too important to be left to chance.” — Robert R. Coveyou, Oak Ridge National Laboratory.

It’s just a job. Grass grows, birds fly, waves pound the sand. I just beat people up. – Muhammad Ali

Compromise: the art of dividing a cake so that everybody believes he or she got the biggest piece.

We have two ends. One for sitting and one for thinking. Our success depends on which one we use most.

Well, if I called the wrong number, why did you answer the phone?

The short fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.

I have kleptomania, but when it gets bad, I take something for it. ~ Robert Benchle

Cluster bombing from B-52s is very, very accurate – the bombs always hit the ground.

I envy people who drink – at least they know what to blame everything on.

Applying computer technology is simply finding the right wrench to pound in the correct screw.

Jokes about German sausage are the wurst.

Being in the army is like being in the Boy Scouts, except that the Boy Scouts have adult supervision.

“I’d rather have a bottle in front of me, than a frontal lobotomy”. — Tom Waits

I’ve always wanted to be normal, but lately I’ve come to suspect that this is it.

Why is the man that invests your money called a broker?

Save the whales. Collect the whole set.

Slow is when someone laps you in the hundred-yard dash

Is Disney World the only people trap operated by a mouse?

I fear my inferiority complex is not as good as yours.

Man who drive like hell bound to get there.

I don’t believe in astrology. I am a Sagittarius and we’re very skeptical. ~ Arthur C. Clarke

“When in doubt tell the truth.”—Mark Twain

Experience is something you do not get until just after you need it.

Be kind to your dentist. He has fillings, too.

No problem is so big and complicated that it can’t be ran away from.

Anyone who told you to be yourself couldn’t have given you worse advice.

Why is it that doctors call what they do “practice”?

There is no such thing as an underestimate of average intelligence

A poor excuse is like an old bucket; doesn’t matter what shape it is in, as long as it holds water.

Well, this day was a total waste of makeup.

If you can’t beat your computer at chess, try kickboxing.

I didn’t like my beard at first. Then it grew on me.

Acupuncture is a jab well done.

If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?

Red Tape Holds Up New Bridge!

If a woman has to choose between catching a fly ball and saving an infant’s life, she will choose to save the infant’s life without even considering if there is a man on base.—Dave Barry

I have gone to look for myself, if I should return before I get back, keep me here.

The most powerful force in the universe is gossip.

Chipped dishes never break.

If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?

Get even – live long enough to be a problem to your kids.

If we don’t succeed, we run the risk of failure.

I thought I made a mistake once, but I was wrong.

Time sneaks up on you like a windshield on a bug.

This mind intentionally left blank

He’s so lazy. I’ve seen him step into a revolving door and wait.

In a Copenhagen airline ticket office: We take your bags and send them in all directions.

When life hands you a lemon, make lemonade.

The trouble with our times is that the future is not what it used to be.

Everything is possible; just not too probable.

Plan to be spontaneous tomorrow.

“There are two major products that come out of Berkeley: LSD and UNIX. We don’t believe this to be a coincidence.” — Jeremy S. Anderson

We waste time, so you don’t have to.

The dictionary is the only place where success comes before work.

Never argue with an idiot. They drag you down to their level then beat you with experience.

Honk if you love peace and quiet.

Marriage changes passion... suddenly you’re in bed with a relative.

99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.

Some pain is physical, and some is mental, but one that’s both is dental.

If con is the opposite of pro, congress is the opposite of progress.

When in doubt, mumble.

Don’t be irreplaceable; if you cannot be replaced, you cannot be promoted.

In elementary school, in case of fire, you have to line up quietly in a single file line from smallest to tallest. What is the logic? Do tall people burn slower?

Gossip: The art of saying nothing while leaving nothing unsaid.

“I think there is a world market for maybe five computers.” — Thomas Watson, chairman of IBM, 1943.

You have the right to your opinions. I just don’t want to hear them.

Bachelors know more about women than married men; if they didn’t they’d be married too.

If you think nobody cares if you’re alive, try missing a couple of car payments.

Nick Overruled - Democratic Majority Decision

Be thankful for problems. If they were less difficult, someone with less ability might have your job.

“There is no reason anyone would want a computer in their home.” — Ken Olson, founder of Digital Equipment Corp., 1977.

Needing someone is like needing a parachute. If he isn’t there the first time you need him, chances are you won’t be needing him again.

Remember the teakettle; though up to its neck in hot water, it continues to sing.

The fellow who thinks he knows it all is especially annoying to those of us who do.

Marriage is a three-ring circus: engagement ring, wedding ring, and suffering.

How did Moses make his tea? Hebrews it.

I don’t necessarily agree with everything I say.

Everybody has a photographic memory. Some don’t have film.

I don’t have a solution but I admire the problem.

Never buy a car you can’t push.

I used to find him boring until I stopped listening.

Hope sees the invisible, feels the intangible and achieves the impossible.

A diplomatic husband said to his wife, how do you expect me to remember your birthday when you never look any older?

Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.

Ours is a world where people don’t know what they want and are willing to go through hell to get it.

If you do not make dust, you eat dust.

When angry count four, when very angry, swear.

I used to think I was indecisive, but now I’m not sure.

If at first you don’t succeed, skydiving is not your sport.

Of course, we are all worms—but I like to think, at least, that I am a glow-worm. – Winston Churchill

“I am not worried about the deficit. It is big enough to take care of itself.” – Ronald Reagan

Everything you like is bad for you in some way.

It is said that if you line up all the cars in the world end to end, someone would be stupid enough to try and pass them.

I love cats – they taste just like chicken.

e=mc^2 where m = the number of cooks required to spoil the broth

One martini is all right, two is too many, and three is not enough.

“You, you and you: panic. The rest of you, come with me.”

“I have left orders to be awakened at any time in case of national emergency – even if I’m in a Cabinet meeting.” – Ronald Reagan

Confidence is the feeling you have before you understand the situation.

Sex on television can’t hurt you unless you fall off.

Seen it all, done it all, can’t remember most of it.

If a man opens a car door for a woman, either the car is new or the woman.

“#define QUESTION ((bb) || !(bb))” — Shakespeare

I used up all my sick days, so I’m calling in dead.

Everybody is ignorant, only on different subjects.

To find out a girl’s faults, praise her to her girl friends.

Why don’t you ever see the headline “Psychic Wins Lottery”?

I took a speed reading course and read ‘War and Peace’ in twenty minutes. It involves Russia. Enough women for four.

I’ve been trying for some time to develop a life style that doesn’t require my presence.

Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don’t.

I don’t like people who take drugs... Customs Officers for example.

It’s bad luck to be superstitious.

Murphy’s Golden Rule: Whoever has the gold makes the rules.

Anyone can admit they were wrong; the true test is admitting it to someone else.

I’d like to see things your way, but I’m looking in another direction.

If I’d known I was going to live this long, I’d have taken better care of myself.

There are two types of people in this world, good and bad. The good sleep better, but the bad seem to enjoy the waking hours much more.

Brain: an apparatus with which we think we think.

I think animal testing is a terrible idea; they get all nervous and give the wrong answers.

Sheep don’t fly so much as plummet.

Santa’s helpers are subordinate clauses.

“Banking establishments are more dangerous than standing armies”. — Thomas Jefferson

A printer consists of three main parts: the case, the jammed paper tray and the blinking red light

You look like a million dollars. All green and wrinkled.

We are going on a field trip to the Coca-Cola factory. I hope there are no pop quizzes.

Anywhere is walking distance, if you’ve got the time.

It’s not hard to meet expenses, they’re everywhere.

Plato is dead, Einstein is dead, and I’m not feeling too good myself...

My girlfriend told me I should be more affectionate. So I got two more girlfriends.

Blessed are those who can laugh at themselves, they will never cease to be amused.

How do you sink an Irish Submarine? Knock on the hatch.

At the age of six I wanted to be a cook. At seven I wanted to be Napoleon. And my ambition has been growing steadily ever since.

Doctor, Doctor You’ve got to help me – I just can’t stop my hands shaking. Do you drink a lot? Not really – I spill most of it!

Man who run behind car get exhausted.

The only difference between Genius and Insanity... is success.

Connection Reset By Aboriginal With Wire Cutters

People who think they know everything are annoying to those of us who do.

We spend the first twelve months of our children’s lives teaching them to walk and talk and the next twelve telling them to sit down and shut up.

Englishmen never will be slaves: they are free to do whatever the Government and public opinion allow them to do.

Early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.

Some people are going to leave a mark on this world, while others will leave a stain.

Tip the world over on its side and everything loose will land in Los Angeles.

“Thinking is the hardest work there is, which is probably why so few engage in it”. — Henry Ford

He does the work of three men: Larry, Moe and Curly.

Abel Tasman on discovering Tasmania, “Too far south for spices and too close to the rim of the earth to be inhabited by anything but freaks and monsters”

Sometimes I wake up grumpy; other times I let her sleep

The day I can’t do my job drunk is the day I turn in my badge and gun.

“Einstein argued that there must be simplified explanations of nature, because God is not capricious or arbitrary. No such faith comforts the software engineer.” — Fred Brooks.

Man shoots neighbour with machete [The Miami Herald, July 3]

Doctor, Doctor I keep getting pains in the eye when I drink coffee. Have you tried taking the spoon out?

“You have to be careful about being too careful” – Beryl Pfizer

Don’t stop to stomp on ants when the elephants are stampeding.

I always wanted to be a procrastinator, never got around to it though.

A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a train stops. On my desk I have a workstation...

Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way when you criticize them, you are a mile away from them and you have their shoes.

It is a fitting irony that under Richard Nixon, ‘launder’ became a dirty word.

I love work; it fascinates me; I can sit and watch it for hours.

Why is it that to stop Windows, you have to click on “Start”?

“This ‘telephone’ has too many shortcomings to be seriously considered as a means of communication.” — Western Union internal memo, 1876.

If the world should blow itself up, the last audible voice would be that of an expert saying it can’t be done.

I took an IQ test and the results were negative.

I like to start my periods with sentences.

Why is the third hand on the watch called a second hand?

Life is far too important to be taken seriously.

“Life is a waste of time, time is a waste of life, so get wasted all of the time and have the time of your life”. — Tom Waits

The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.

I’m not into working out. My philosophy: No pain, no pain.

How do I set a laser printer to stun?

Two signs from a Majorcan shop entrance: English well speaking / Here speeching American.

This comment is printed on 100% recycled electrons.

So Many Pedestrians – So Little Time.

Life is complex: it has real and imaginary parts.

My husband says I never listen to him (at least I think that’s what he said)

A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat.

Accept that some days you’re the pigeon, and some days you’re the statue.

Age is a very high price to pay for maturity.

Roses are red, Violets are blue. In Soviet Russia, Poems write you.

Advertisement for donkey rides in Thailand: Would you like to ride on your own ass?

“Always be sincere, even when you don’t mean it”. — Irene Peter

Under capitalism, man exploits man. Under Communism, it’s just the opposite.

“Everyday I beat my own previous record for number of consecutive days I’ve stayed alive.”

The shortest distance between two points is under construction.

If you can’t dazzle them with brilliance... just baffle them with bullsh*t.

“You start coding. I’ll go find out what they want.” — Computer analyst to programmer

Living is not worth dying for.

The trouble with the rat race is that even if you win, you’re still a rat.

All the toilets in New York’s police stations have been stolen. The police have nothing to go on.

I love being married. It’s so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.

Jack and Jill did it for the insurance.

Where do you find an Irish woodworm? Dead inside a brick.

If it weren’t for the last minute, nothing would ever get done.

I don’t approve of political jokes... I’ve seen too many of them get elected.

What sane person could live in this world and not be crazy?

Warning: Dates in Calendar are closer than they appear.

I like kids, but I don’t think I could eat a whole one.

The things that come to those that wait may be the things left by those who got there first.

The trouble with life is there’s no background music.

“I worked in a pet shop and people kept asking how big I’d get” — Rodney Dangerfield

“My wife made me join a bridge club. I jump off next Tuesday” — Rodney Dangerfield

If automobiles had followed the same development cycle as the computer, a Rolls Royce would today cost $100, get a million miles per gallon, and explode once a year, killing everyone inside.

If at first you do succeed, try to hide your astonishment.

Birthdays are good for you. Statistics show that the people who have the most live the longest.

Is there life before death?

If Bill Gates had a nickel for every time Windows crashed... oh wait, he does.

What do you call a dinosaur with an extensive vocabulary? A thesaurus.

I used to be apathetic, but now I don’t give a damn.

Partying... oops No Only Parting... sorry

I don’t want to achieve immortality through my work. I want to achieve immortality through not dying.

Never put off until tomorrow what you can avoid altogether.

If olive oil comes from olives, where does baby oil come from?

A study in the Washington Post says that women have better verbal skills than men. I just want to say to the authors of that study: “Duh.”— Conan O’Brien

The light at the end of the tunnel has been turned off due to budget cuts.

Seeing a murder on television...will help work off one’s antagonisms. And if you haven’t any antagonisms, the commercials will give you some.

Leftists are among the first to speak of their rights.

The scientific theory I like best is that the rings of Saturn are composed entirely of lost airline luggage.

My mind works like lightning. One brilliant flash and it is gone.

I am free of all prejudices. I hate everyone equally.

Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.

I tried sniffing Coke once, but the ice cubes got stuck in my nose.

Proofread carefully to see if you any words out.

England has no kidney bank, but it does have a Liverpool.

One day I will get this peer guy and reset his connection.

Humour. It is a difficult concept. It is not logical.

Work expands to fill the time available. — PARKINSON’S LAW

The truth is a precious commodity. That’s why I use it so sparingly.

My reality check just bounced.

Submit a quote