Amusing Quotes & One-Liners

There are very few personal problems that cannot be solved through a suitable application of high explosives.

Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?

If everything is coming your way, you are probably in the wrong lane.

On the other hand you have different fingers.

At the age of six I wanted to be a cook. At seven I wanted to be Napoleon. And my ambition has been growing steadily ever since.

So Many Pedestrians – So Little Time.

Men are from earth. Women are from earth. Deal with it.

A study in the Washington Post says that women have better verbal skills than men. I just want to say to the authors of that study: “Duh.”— Conan O’Brien

If vegetable oil comes from vegetables, where does baby oil come from?

The only reason some people get lost in thought is because it’s unfamiliar territory.

Sometimes I wake up grumpy; other times I let her sleep

Life is complex: it has real and imaginary parts.

Age is a question of mind over matter. If you don’t mind, it don’t matter.

If you want a committed man, look in a mental hospital.

If a job is worth doing well get someone else to do it.

Sometimes I think the surest sign that intelligent life exists elsewhere in the universe is that none of it has tried to contact us.

If ever I get married again it would have to be under an anaesthetic.

What hair color do they put on the driver’s licenses of bald men?

Two signs from a Majorcan shop entrance: English well speaking / Here speeching American.

Never put off until tomorrow what you can avoid altogether.

“They say hard work never hurt anybody, but I figure why take the chance.” – Ronald Reagan

“I’d rather have a bottle in front of me, than a frontal lobotomy”. — Tom Waits

A guy got arrested for playing the guitar. He was fingering a minor.

I fear my inferiority complex is not as good as yours.

If the French were really intelligent, they’d speak English.

A hangover is the wrath of grapes.

Fundamentalism: Believe in a kind, loving God or we’ll kill you!

Good judgement comes from experience. Experience comes from bad judgement.

When you get a bladder infection, urine trouble.

I got a job at a bakery because I kneaded dough.

If it weren’t for electricity we’d all be watching television by candlelight?

Man does not live by words alone, despite the fact that sometimes he has to eat them.

Leftists are among the first to speak of their rights.

Remember half the people you know are below average.

Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying of nothing.

Time is God’s way of keeping everything from happening at once.

Restarting System - Mouse Moved

It’s hard to face the problem, when the problem is your face.

Cluster bombing from B-52s is very, very accurate – the bombs always hit the ground.

Outside a Hong Kong tailor shop: Ladies may have a fit upstairs.

Time’s fun when you’re having flies... Kermit the Frog

I changed my iPod’s name to Titanic. It’s syncing now.

An army of deer led by a lion is more to be feared than an army of lions led by a deer.

I am not a vegetarian because I love animals; I am a vegetarian because I hate plants.

Lead us not into temptation. Just tell us where it is; we’ll find it.

“There is no reason anyone would want a computer in their home.” — Ken Olson, founder of Digital Equipment Corp., 1977.

Did you hear about the cross-eyed teacher who lost her job because she couldn’t control her pupils?

A team effort is a lot of people doing what I say

Never argue with an idiot. They drag you down to their level then beat you with experience.

Eagles may soar, but weasels don’t get sucked into jet engines.

If I have to work for an idiot, I might as well work for myself.

People don’t grow up; they just learn how to act in public.

To define recursion, we must first define recursion.

How can you come out of a closet if you never went in there in the first place?

You have the right to your opinions. I just don’t want to hear them.

Everybody is somebody else’s weirdo.

Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

Help Wanted: Telepath. You know where to apply.

Seen it all, done it all, can’t remember most of it.

My favorite mythical creature? The honest politician.

If it weren’t for the last minute, nothing would ever get done.

That which cannot be taken apart will fall apart.

“How come we choose from just two people to run for president and 50 for Miss America?”

Everybody lies, but it doesn’t matter since nobody listens.

They say you only use ten percent of your brain. What about the other ten?

“Einstein argued that there must be simplified explanations of nature, because God is not capricious or arbitrary. No such faith comforts the software engineer.” — Fred Brooks.

One good turn gets most of the blankets.

A conscience does not prevent sin. It only prevents you from enjoying it.

I know a guy who is addicted to brake fluid. He says he can stop anytime.

If olive oil comes from olives, where does baby oil come from?

The light at the end of the tunnel has been turned off due to budget cuts.

The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.

“Then he ran into my knife. He ran into my knife ten times.” – Chicago

Hypochondria is the only disease I haven’t got.

At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be “What is hell?” Come early and listen to our choir practice.

We waste time, so you don’t have to.

Remember the teakettle; though up to its neck in hot water, it continues to sing.

“Auntie Em: hate you, hate Kansas, taking the dog.” – Dorothy

In the beginning, God created earth and rested. Then God created man and rested. Then God created woman. Since then, neither God nor man has rested.

On a tombstone: I TOLD YOU I WAS SICK

Anything not nailed down is mine. Anything I can pry loose is not nailed down.

Applying computer technology is simply finding the right wrench to pound in the correct screw.

The art of flying is to throw yourself at the ground and miss.

Is Disney World the only people trap operated by a mouse?

Democracy is the recurrent suspicion that more than half of the people are right more than half of the time.

I used to be a banker, but then I lost interest.

Quantum mechanics: The dreams stuff is made of.

Pick your friends but not to pieces.

Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?

“Things are more like they are now than they ever were before.” – Former U.S. President Dwight D. Eisenhower

If you’re not wasted, the day is.

The best computer is a man, and it’s the only one that can be mass-produced by unskilled labour.

I’ve always wanted to be normal, but lately I’ve come to suspect that this is it.

Ever stop to think and forget to start again?

“I could tell that my parents hated me. My bath toys were a toaster and a radio” — Rodney Dangerfield

What happens if you get scared half to death twice?

A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat.

Chipped dishes never break.

Bigamy is having one wife too many. Monogamy is the same. – Oscar Wilde

I used to think I was indecisive, but now I’m not sure.

Anyone who told you to be yourself couldn’t have given you worse advice.

There are two kinds of people, those who finish what they start, and so on.

It is well to remember the entire population of the universe, with one trifling exception, is composed of others.

Broken pencils are pointless.

Always try to be modest and be proud of it!

“The object of war is not to die for your country but to make the other bastard die for his.” – General George Patton

“Heavier-than-air flying machines are impossible.” — Lord Kelvin, president, Royal Society, 1895.

Tell me what you need, and I’ll tell you how to get along without it.

A cartoonist was found dead in his home. Details are sketchy.

I always wanted to be somebody, but I should have been more specific.

Everybody has a photographic memory. Some don’t have film.

No problem is so big and complicated that it can’t be ran away from.

Mind like a steel trap – rusty and illegal in most states.

Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian any more than going to the garage makes you a car.

An egotist has one point in his favour – he doesn’t go round talking about other people.

Pardon my driving, I am reloading.

Money is flat and meant to be piled up. – Scottish Proverb

I had amnesia once or twice.

“There are two major products that come out of Berkeley: LSD and UNIX. We don’t believe this to be a coincidence.” — Jeremy S. Anderson

I dropped out of communism class because of lousy Marx.

Statistics are like bikinis – What they reveal is suggestive, but what they conceal is vital.

My reality check just bounced.

Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7th of your life.

Hang in there; retirement is only thirty years away.

Whenever people agree with me, I always feel I must be wrong.

Illiterate? Write For Help.

I either want less corruption, or more chance to participate in it.

Having more money doesn’t make you happier. I have 50 million dollars but I’m just as happy as when I had 48 million. ~ Arnold Schwarzenegger.

Why is it that to stop Windows, you have to click on “Start”?

A diplomatic husband said to his wife, how do you expect me to remember your birthday when you never look any older?

Keyboard not detected. Press F1 to continue

Does this smell like chloroform to you?

Anyone can admit they were wrong; the true test is admitting it to someone else.

If a woman has to choose between catching a fly ball and saving an infant’s life, she will choose to save the infant’s life without even considering if there is a man on base.—Dave Barry

A dyslexic man walks into a bra.

If at first you don’t succeed, skydiving is not your sport.

Ninety-nine per cent of the people in the world are fools and the rest of us are in great danger of contagion.

They say if you play a Microsoft CD backwards you hear satanic messages. That’s nothing, if you play it forwards it installs Windows.

Somewhere on this globe, every ten seconds, is a woman giving birth to a child. She must be found and stopped.

Never put both feet in your mouth at the same time, because then you don’t have a leg to stand on.

I generally avoid temptation unless I can’t resist it.

I don’t approve of political jokes... I’ve seen too many of them get elected.

He who smiles in a crisis has found someone to blame.

The only perfect science is hindsight.

Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?

An Apple a day keeps the doctor away. But... an onion a day keeps everyone away.

Being a philosopher, I have a problem for every solution.

“When in doubt tell the truth.”—Mark Twain

Years ago fairy tales began with “Once upon a time...” Now it’s “If I am elected...”

Time is a great teacher, but unfortunately it kills all its pupils.

If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?

Lots of people know a good thing the minute the other fellow sees it first.

The most powerful force in the universe is gossip.

Originality is the fine art of remembering what you hear, but forgetting where you heard it.

“Reading computer manuals without the hardware is as frustrating as reading sex manuals without the software.” — Arthur C. Clarke.

Solitude is fine, but you need someone to tell you that solitude is fine.

Slow is when someone laps you in the hundred-yard dash

Always do sober what you said you’d do drunk. That will teach you to keep your mouth shut.

Everything is possible; just not too probable.

How do you sink an Irish Submarine? Knock on the hatch.

“He has been given a large brain by mistake, since for him the spinal cord would fully suffice.” — Albert Einstein

“Banking establishments are more dangerous than standing armies”. — Thomas Jefferson

If you want your spouse to listen and pay strict attention to every word you say, talk in your sleep.

“The generation of random numbers is too important to be left to chance.” — Robert R. Coveyou, Oak Ridge National Laboratory.

We must believe in free will, we have no choice.

A bird in the hand is safer than one overhead.

To find out a girl’s faults, praise her to her girl friends.

If at first you don’t succeed, try management.

“There are only two things that are infinite: the universe and human stupidity. And I’m not sure about the universe.” A. Einstein

Vote for the man who promises least; he’ll be the least disappointing.

An Irish man was driving to the airport when he saw a sign saying ‘Airport – Left’... So he went home.

Sex on television can’t hurt you unless you fall off.

TEAMWORK... means never having to take all the blame yourself.

“War does not determine who is right - only who is left.” – Bertrand Russell

“Thinking is the hardest work there is, which is probably why so few engage in it”. — Henry Ford

The things that come to those that wait may be the things left by those who got there first.

Not all men are annoying. Some are dead.

Cleverly Disguised As A Responsible Adult.

I took a speed reading course and read ‘War and Peace’ in twenty minutes. It involves Russia. Enough women for four.

A bachelor is a man who comes to work from a different direction each morning.

Genius is 1% inspiration, and 99% perspiration.

I installed a skylight in my apartment. The people who live above me are furious.

A procrastinator’s work is never done.

I’m an apathetic sociopath – I’d kill you if I cared.

If we don’t succeed, we run the risk of failure.

Be kind to your dentist. He has fillings, too.

I love deadlines. I especially like the whooshing sound they make as they go flying by.

People who think they know everything are annoying to those of us who do.

Nothing means nothing, but it isn’t really nothing because nothing is something that isn’t.

Why is the man that invests your money called a broker?

I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.

If life was fair, Elvis would be alive and all the impersonators would be dead.

You have to stay in shape. My grandmother, she started walking five miles a day when she was 60. She’s 97 today and we don’t know where the hell she is.

Is there life before death?

It is said that if you line up all the cars in the world end to end, someone would be stupid enough to try and pass them.

“You, you and you: panic. The rest of you, come with me.”

Living is not worth dying for.

“I’ve noticed that everyone who is for abortion has already been born.” – Ronald Reagan

Lord, if you won’t make me skinny, please make all my friends fat.

I live in my own little world, but it’s ok they know me here.

I wished the buck stopped here, as I could use a few.

When your IQ reaches 80 –– sell.

If you’re not confused, you’re not paying attention.

Streakers beware: Your end is in sight.

If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?

I wondered why the baseball was getting bigger. Then it hit me.

“Oh dear,” said God, “I hadn’t thought of that,” and promptly vanished in a puff of logic.

A great many people think they are thinking when they are merely rearranging their prejudices.

Well, this day was a total waste of makeup.

IRS: We’ve got what it takes to take what you’ve got.

A committee is a body that keeps minutes and wastes hours.

If you don’t know why I’m mad at you, then I’m certainly not going to tell you

Men don’t care what’s on TV. They only care what else is on TV.

The sooner you fall behind the more time you’ll have to catch up.

Anything’s possible... apart from skiing through a revolving door.

You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They left a little note on the windscreen, it said ‘Parking Fine.’

Those who can laugh without cause have either found the true meaning of happiness or have gone stark raving mad.

If sex is such a natural phenomenon, how come there are so many books on how to do it.

Cheerfulness is contagious, but don’t wait to catch it from others. Be a carrier.

Honest criticism is hard to take, particularly from a relative, a friend, an acquaintance, or a stranger.

Man shoots neighbour with machete [The Miami Herald, July 3]

My one regret in life is that I am not someone else.

Don’t stop to stomp on ants when the elephants are stampeding.

Early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.

Of course, we are all worms—but I like to think, at least, that I am a glow-worm. – Winston Churchill

Tips for Vegetarians: Hit a chicken enough times and it turns into a vegetable.

If you can stay calm, while all around you is chaos... then you probably haven’t completely understood the situation.

Sheep don’t fly so much as plummet.

When I was young, I could remember anything. Whether it happened or not.

There are only three kinds of people; people who can count and people who can’t.

The sooner you fall behind the more time you’ll have to catch up.

Before marriage, a man yearns for the woman he loves. After marriage, the ‘Y’ becomes silent.

Experience is simply the name we give our mistakes.

Accept that some days you’re the pigeon, and some days you’re the statue.

Make sure your mind isn’t so open that your brains fall out.

Climbers aim for the summit because it is there. Bungi jumpers dive off the top because they aren’t all there.

When I was a boy I was told that anybody could become president; I’m beginning to believe it.

Don’t marry for money. You can borrow it cheaper.

INDECISION is the key to FLEXIBILITY.

Authority makes some people grow – and others just swell.

Where there’s a will, I want to be in it.

Best way to get a man to do something, is to suggest they are too old for it.

If you try and don’t succeed, cheat. Repeat until caught. Then lie.

It’s easy to quit smoking... I’ve done it over 10,000 times.

The secret of success is sincerity. Once you can fake that you’ve got it made.

Don’t be irreplaceable; if you cannot be replaced, you cannot be promoted.

“How can a president not be an actor?” – when asked “How could an actor become president?” – Ronald Reagan

“If builders built buildings the way programmers write programs, then the first woodpecker that came along would destroy civilization” — Weinberg’s Second Law.

To B or not to B? *kills the B* I HATE BEES!!!! – LynxofCP

Needing someone is like needing a parachute. If he isn’t there the first time you need him, chances are you won’t be needing him again.

Doctor, Doctor You’ve got to help me – I just can’t stop my hands shaking. Do you drink a lot? Not really – I spill most of it!

Warning: Dates in Calendar are closer than they appear.

Why were the Indians here first? They had reservations.

It’s just a job. Grass grows, birds fly, waves pound the sand. I just beat people up. – Muhammad Ali

A person who smiles in the face of adversity... probably has a scapegoat.

Well if this is the wrong number, why did you answer it?

Why is the third hand on the watch called a second hand?

I’m not into working out. My philosophy: No pain, no pain.

How do you keep an Irishman busy? Write P.T.O on both sides of a piece of paper.

The fellow who thinks he knows it all is especially annoying to those of us who do.

“A patriot must always be ready to defend his country against his government”. — Edward Abbey

What’s the definition of a will? (It’s a dead giveaway).

I am amazed at radio DJ’s today. I am firmly convinced that AM on my radio stands for Absolute Moron. I will not begin to tell you what FM stands for.

It’s not true that married men live longer than single men. It only seems longer.

I don’t have a solution but I admire the problem.

In a Budapest zoo: Please do not feed the animals. If you have any suitable food, give it to the guard on duty.

There is nothing so annoying as to have two people go right on talking when you’re interrupting.

You can’t have everything. Where would you put it?

It’s not hard to meet expenses, they’re everywhere.

In this world, nothing is certain but death and taxes. – Benjamin Franklin

Don’t talk unless you can improve the silence.

Stupidity is not a handicap. Park elsewhere!

If we learn by our mistakes, some of us are getting one hell of an education!

Programmer – A red-eyed, mumbling mammal capable of conversing with inanimate objects.

Mines are equal opportunity weapons.

“I wish everyone was peaceful. Then I could take over the planet with a butter knife”—Dogbert

Life... I don’t get it...

Proofread carefully to see if you any words out.

If it’s true that we are here to help others, then what exactly are the others here for?

He who laughs last thinks slowest.

If automobiles had followed the same development cycle as the computer, a Rolls Royce would today cost $100, get a million miles per gallon, and explode once a year, killing everyone inside.

Confidence is the feeling you have before you understand the situation.

To succeed in politics, it is often necessary to rise above your principles.

It doesn’t matter what temperature the room is; it’s always room temperature.

Borrow money from pessimists- they don’t expect to get it back.

There are three ways to get something done: do it yourself, hire someone, or forbid your kids to do it.

AIBOHPHOBIA – the fear of palindromes.

Brilliant, but with the social skills of a thermonuclear device.

The more time you spend in reporting on what you are doing, the less time you have to do it in. Stability is achieved when you spend all your time doing nothing but reporting on the nothing you are doing.

You look like a million dollars. All green and wrinkled.

Horn broken. Watch for finger. (on bumper sticker)

Age is an issue of mind over matter. If you don’t mind, it doesn’t matter.

There are two types of people in this world, good and bad. The good sleep better, but the bad seem to enjoy the waking hours much more.

We Quit Voting Will They All Go Away?

What’s another word for Thesaurus?

Everybody is ignorant, only on different subjects.

Haunted French pancakes give me the crêpes.

A backwards poet writes inverse.

He who trains his tongue to quote the learned sages, will be known far and wide as a smart ass.

I plead contemporary insanity.

When you are arguing with an idiot, make sure the other person isn’t doing the same thing.

As the light changed from red to green to yellow and back to red again, I sat there thinking about life. Was it nothing more than a bunch of honking and yelling? Sometimes it seemed that way.

I was the next door kid’s imaginary friend.

I want to die peacefully in my sleep like my grandfather, not screaming in abject horror like his passengers.

If you can’t be kind, at least have the decency to be vague.

Everyone needs belief in something. I believe I’ll have another beer.

Venison for dinner again? Oh deer!

If money talks, it ain’t on speakin’ terms with me.

Never underestimate the power of very stupid people in large groups.

“When you starve with a tiger, the tiger starves last”. — Griffin’s Thought

All those who believe in psycho kinesis raise my hand.

Jack and Jill did it for the insurance.

I don’t suffer from stress. I’m a carrier.

Maybe I’m lucky to be going so slowly, because I may be going in the wrong direction.

I like children. Properly cooked.

Blessed are the young, for they shall inherit the national debt.

Outside of a dog, a book is probably man’s best friend, and inside of a dog, it’s too dark to read.

The beatings will continue until morale improves.

I laugh in the face of danger, except if I’m involved.

I can please only one person per day. Today is not your day. Tomorrow isn’t looking good either.

Half our life is spent trying to find something to do with the time we have rushed through life trying to save.

I have noticed that the people who are late are often so much jollier that the people who have to wait for them.

For Sale: Parachute. Only used once, never opened, small stain.

He’s so lazy. I’ve seen him step into a revolving door and wait.

Connection Reset By Aboriginal With Wire Cutters

How did Moses make his tea? Hebrews it.

Be thankful for problems. If they were less difficult, someone with less ability might have your job.

Everybody is ignorant, only on different subjects.

This comment is printed on 100% recycled electrons.

“You start coding. I’ll go find out what they want.” — Computer analyst to programmer

“I believe in equality for everyone, except reporters and photographers”. — Gandhi

Make three correct guesses consecutively and you will establish yourself as an expert.

For people who like peace and quiet – a phoneless cord.

If you choke a smurf, what colour does it turn?

How do you get an Irishman to burn his ear? Ring him up while he is ironing.

This mind intentionally left blank

It is hard enough to remember my opinions, without also remembering my reasons for them!

Sheep don’t fly so much as plummet.

The earthquake in Washington obviously was the government’s fault.

“On two occasions I have been asked [by members of Parliament!]: ‘Pray, Mr. Babbage, if you put into the machine wrong figures, will the right answers come out ?’ I am not able rightly to apprehend the kind of confusion of ideas that could provoke such a question.” — Charles Babbage.

Humour. It is a difficult concept. It is not logical.

I spilled spot remover on my dog. Now he’s gone.

Knowledge is the key, but where is the damn lock?

“C++ : Where friends have access to your private members.” — Gavin Russell Baker.

Advertisement for donkey rides in Thailand: Would you like to ride on your own ass?

Half of being smart is knowing what you are dumb at.

It’s strange, isn’t it. You stand in the middle of a library and go aaaaagghhhh’ and everyone just stares at you. But you do the same thing on an aeroplane, and everyone joins in.

No sense being pessimistic, it probably wouldn’t work anyway.

Even paranoids have real enemies.

Does your train of thought have a caboose?

What does a clock do when it’s hungry? It goes back four seconds.

The trouble with jogging is that, by the time you realise you’re not in shape for it, it’s far too far to walk back.

I was at a bar nursing a beer. My nipple was getting quite soggy.

A baby sitter is a teenager acting like an adult while the adults are out acting like teenagers.

Most vegetarians look so much like the food they eat that they can be classified as cannibals.

“Always be sincere, even when you don’t mean it”. — Irene Peter

It’s not that I’m afraid to die; I just don’t want to be there when it happens.

The trouble with life is there’s no background music.

Under capitalism, man exploits man. Under Communism, it’s just the opposite.

Friends may come and go, but enemies accumulate

e=mc^2 where m = the number of cooks required to spoil the broth

In a Rome laundry: Ladies, leave your clothes here and spend the afternoon having a good time.

Youth would be an ideal state if it came a little later in life.

This girl said she recognized me from the vegetarian club, but I’d never met herbivore

Roses are red, Violets are blue. In Soviet Russia, Poems write you.

Stupidity is not a handicap! Park somewhere else!

Work: It isn’t just for sleeping anymore.

From the moment I picked your book up until I laid it down I was convulsed with laughter. Some day I intend reading it.

Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way when you criticize them, you are a mile away from them and you have their shoes.

I used to be a Kleptomaniac, But now I’m taking something for it

If At First You Don’t Succeed... Blame Someone Else And Seek Counseling.

The number of people watching you is directly proportional to the stupidity of your action.

Youth is a wonderful thing. What a crime to waste it on children.

“Everyday I beat my own previous record for number of consecutive days I’ve stayed alive.”

Wine divulges truth.

Honk if you love peace and quiet.

I think, therefore I am single.

I used to find him boring until I stopped listening.

Velcro — what a rip off!

He’s not dead, he’s electroencephalographically challenged.

Mental Floss prevents Moral Decay.

Who is General Failure and why is he reading my hard disk?

We’ve made great medical progress in the last generation. What used to be merely an itch is now an allergy.

Don’t take life too seriously—you’ll never get out of it alive.

You’re not drunk if you can lie on the floor without holding on.

Why is it that doctors call what they do “practice”?

Always remember you’re unique, just like everyone else.

“Hey, I’ve got reasons for what I’m doing,” REALLY MEANS, “I sure hope I think of some pretty soon.”

My life has a superb cast but I can’t figure out the plot.

Connection Reset - Insufficient Electrons

Age always corresponds inversely to the size of your multivitamin.

A bird does not sing because it has an answer—it sings because it has a song.

Marathon runners with bad footwear suffer the agony of defeat.

I’d give my right arm to be ambidextrous.

What do you call a dinosaur with an extensive vocabulary? A thesaurus.

Jokes about German sausage are the wurst.

I’m out of my mind, but feel free to leave a message.

History will be kind to me for I intend to write it. – Winston Churchill

Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.

If you can’t beat your computer at chess, try kickboxing.

Alcohol: the cause of, and solution to, all of life’s problems.

Progress was all right. Only it went on too long.

If all you have is a hammer, everything looks like a nail.

My girlfriend told me I should be more affectionate. So I got two more girlfriends.

Next time you wave, use all your fingers.

Once, during prohibition, I was forced to live for days on nothing but food and water.

When all other means of communication fail, try words.

Technology is a way of organizing the universe so that man doesn’t have to experience it.

Cheer up, the worst is yet to come.

Whenever I feel like exercise, I lie down until the feeling passes.

I don’t believe in astrology. I am a Sagittarius and we’re very skeptical. ~ Arthur C. Clarke

If the human brain were so simple that we could understand it, we would be so simple we couldn’t.

“Managing senior programmers is like herding cats” — Dave Platt.

If we aren’t supposed to eat animals, why are they made of meat?

Love is like an hourglass, with the heart filling up as the brain empties.

I started out with nothing, and I still have most of it.

“Your mouse has moved. Windows must be restarted for the change to take effect. Reboot now ? [OK]”

Politicians are people who, when they see the light at the end of the tunnel, go out and buy more tunnel.

If you can’t dazzle them with brilliance... just baffle them with bullsh*t.

If quizzes are quizzical, what are tests?

After all is said and done, more is said than done.

All men are equal. Some are just more equal than others.

Democracy is a process by which people are free to choose the man who will get the blame.

My mind not only wanders, sometimes it leaves completely.

I thought I made a mistake once, but I was wrong.

I didn’t like my beard at first. Then it grew on me.

I’m desperately trying to figure out why kamikaze pilots wore helmets.

The human brain is a wonderful thing. It starts working the moment you are born, and never stops until you stand up to speak in public.

I get enough exercise just pushing my luck.

Money is better than poverty, if only for financial reasons.

The amount of work to be done increases in proportion to the amount of work already completed. — VAIL’S SECOND AXIOM

I love work; it fascinates me; I can sit and watch it for hours.

I married Miss Right. I just didn’t know her first name was Always.

It has recently been discovered that research causes cancer in rats.

Comedy is tragedy plus time.

Despite the cost of living it’s still very popular.

There is no such thing as an underestimate of average intelligence

Ours is a world where people don’t know what they want and are willing to go through hell to get it.

The most precious thing we have is life. Yet it has absolutely no trade-in value.

I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.

Someone sent me a postcard picture of the earth. On the back it said, “Wish you were here.”

Plan to be spontaneous tomorrow.

Computers make it easy to do a lot of things, but most of the things that make it easier to do don’t need to be done.

I have the body of a GOD – Buddha.

I used to think I was indecisive, but now I’m not sure.

Some pain is physical, and some is mental, but one that’s both is dental.

“Blink your eyelids periodically to lubricate your eyes.” — Page 16 of the HP “Environmental, Health Safety Handbook for Employees”.

Eat a live toad first thing in the morning, and nothing worse can happen to you the rest of the day.

Well, if I called the wrong number, why did you answer the phone?

The second day of a diet is alway easier than the first. By the second day, you’re off it.

I am free of all prejudices. I hate everyone equally.

All my life, I always wanted to be somebody. Now I see that I should have been more specific.

In a Norwegian cocktail lounge: Ladies are requested not to have children in the bar.

Honesty is the best policy, but insanity is a better defence.

The world is full of willing people; some willing to work, the rest willing to let them.

You can always spot a well-informed man – his views are the same as yours.

A conclusion is simply the place where you got tired of thinking.

I haven’t spoken to my wife for 18 months: I don’t like to interrupt her.

If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?

“My computer NEVER loc

Men occasionally stumble over the truth, but most of them pick themselves up and hurry off as if nothing had happened. – Winston Churchill

Five out of four people have trouble with fractions.

Conscience is the inner voice warning us that someone may be looking.

Money can’t buy happiness, but it sure makes misery easier to live with.

I think animal testing is a terrible idea; they get all nervous and give the wrong answers.

“You have to be careful about being too careful” – Beryl Pfizer

“I worked in a pet shop and people kept asking how big I’d get” — Rodney Dangerfield

Doctor, Doctor I keep getting pains in the eye when I drink coffee. Have you tried taking the spoon out?

I don’t have an attitude problem. You have a perception problem.

An egotist is a person of low taste—more interested in himself than in me.

Everyone hates me because I’m paranoid.

Democracy is a government where you can say what you think even if you don’t think.

If you think nobody cares if you’re alive, try missing a couple of car payments.

There are 10 types of people in the world: Those who understand binary, and those who don’t.

I envy people who drink – at least they know what to blame everything on.

What if there were no hypothetical questions?

Prediction is extremely difficult. Especially about the future.

PMS jokes aren’t funny. Period.

It’s bad luck to be superstitious.

How do you know if a fish is Irish? It has drowned.

I majored in liberal arts. Will that be for here or to go?

I work hard because millions on welfare depend on me.

All the toilets in New York’s police stations have been stolen. The police have nothing to go on.

Get even – live long enough to be a problem to your kids.

Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.

Half of the people in the world are below average.

Chaos, panic, & disorder – my work here is done.

Never buy a car you can’t push.

If you can’t convince them, confuse them.

“A girl phoned me the other day and said... Come on over, there’s nobody home. I went over. Nobody was home” — Rodney Dangerfield

“Life is a waste of time, time is a waste of life, so get wasted all of the time and have the time of your life”. — Tom Waits

It is wiser to find out than to suppose.—Mark Twain

In democracy it’s your vote that counts. In feudalism it’s your count that votes.

I used up all my sick days, so I’m calling in dead.

I love cats – they taste just like chicken.

A dog that attends a flea circus most likely will steal the whole show.

Impotence: Nature’s Way Of Saying “No Hard Feelings”.

I stayed up all night to see where the sun went. Then it dawned on me.

Errors have been made. Others will be blamed.

Don’t look back. Something may be gaining on you.

Men’s faults are many, women have only two. Everything they say, and everything they do.

I have a simple philosophy. Fill what’s empty. Empty what’s full. Scratch where it itches.

A pessimist is a man who has been compelled to live with an optimist

In elementary school, in case of fire, you have to line up quietly in a single file line from smallest to tallest. What is the logic? Do tall people burn slower?

I hate women because they always know where things are.

If you don’t know where you are going, you might wind up someplace else.

Just remember... if the world didn’t suck, we’d all fall off.

Partying... oops No Only Parting... sorry

You can say any foolish thing to a dog, and the dog will give you a look that says, “My God, you’re right! I never would’ve thought of that!”

If at first you don’t succeed, destroy all the evidence that you tried.

The scientific theory I like best is that the rings of Saturn are composed entirely of lost airline luggage.

Bacteria: the only culture some people have.

You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say will be misquoted then used against you.

Latest survey shows that 3 out of 4 people make up 75% of the world’s population.

Booze is the answer. I don’t remember the question.

It is even harder for the average ape to believe that he has descended from man.

One martini is all right, two is too many, and three is not enough.

Go the extra mile. It makes your boss look like an incompetent slacker.

The short fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.

I’m not afraid of heights, only widths.

I’m an idealist: I don’t know where I’m going, but I’m on my way.

Artificial Intelligence is no match for Natural Stupidity.

I did a theatrical performance about puns. It was a play on words.

Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

Remember... Marriage is the number one cause of divorce. Statistically, 100% of all divorces started with marriage.

People can be divided into three groups: Those who make things happen, those who watch things happen, and those who wonder what happened.

If you do not make dust, you eat dust.

I don’t want to achieve immortality through my work. I want to achieve immortality through not dying.

The chance of a piece of bread falling with the buttered side down is directly proportional to the cost of the carpet.

Work expands to fill the time available. — PARKINSON’S LAW

I took an IQ test and the results were negative.

I like to start my periods with sentences.

This guy walks into a bar and the barman says “Ouch, that must have hurt”

Am I getting smart with you? How would you know?

A drop of ink may make a million think.

To err is human – and to blame it on a computer is even more so.

Abel Tasman on discovering Tasmania, “Too far south for spices and too close to the rim of the earth to be inhabited by anything but freaks and monsters”

Cab drivers are living proof that practice does not make perfect.

“Reader, suppose you were an idiot. And suppose you were a member of Congress. But I repeat myself”. — Mark Twain

Instead of getting married again, I’m going to find a woman I don’t like and just give her a house.—Rod Stewart

It used to be only death and taxes were inevitable. Now, of course, there’s shipping and handling, too.

Last night I lay in bed looking up at the stars in the sky and I thought to myself, “Where the heck is the ceiling?”

There’s a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot.

The trouble with the rat race is that even if you win, you’re still a rat.

I have had more trouble with myself than with any other man I’ve met.

The doctor can bury his mistakes but an architect can only advise his client to plant vines.

Every time I look at you I get a fierce desire to be lonesome.

God must love stupid people, he made so many.

Military intelligence is a contradiction in terms.

Compromise: the art of dividing a cake so that everybody believes he or she got the biggest piece.

Moderation in all things, including moderation.

I stayed up all night to see where the sun went. Then it dawned on me.

Heck is where people go who don’t believe in gosh.

Take my advice, I don’t use it anyway.

“This ‘telephone’ has too many shortcomings to be seriously considered as a means of communication.” — Western Union internal memo, 1876.

When you do not know what you are doing, do it neatly.

Man who eat many prunes get good run for money.

When life hands you a lemon, make lemonade.

In the beginning, there was nothing. Then God said, “Let there be light,” and there was still nothing, but you could see it.

“My wife made me join a bridge club. I jump off next Tuesday” — Rodney Dangerfield

Arguing on the Internet is like competing in the Special Olympics – even if you win, you are still retarded.

In a Tokyo shop: Our nylons cost more than common, but you’ll find they are best in the long run.

The truth is a precious commodity. That’s why I use it so sparingly.

Constipated People Don’t Give A Crap.

Plagiarism saves time.

In the office of a Roman doctor: Specialist in women and other diseases.

Just because your head is the biggest doesn’t mean it contains the right ideas.

I’m in no shape to exercise.

Legend: a lie that has attained the dignity of age.

I married my wife for her looks... but not the ones she’s been giving me lately!

What Has Four Legs And An Arm? A Happy Pit Bull.

Confidence is the feeling you have before you understand the situation

I have gone to look for myself, if I should return before I get back, keep me here.

The trouble with our times is that the future is not what it used to be.

“This report, by its very length, defends itself against the risk of being read”. — Winston Churchill

The surprising thing about young fools is how many survive to become old fools.

Shin: a device for finding furniture in the dark.

There are 3 kinds of people: those who can count and those who can’t.

I think that’s how Chicago got started. A bunch of people in New York said, “Gee, I’m enjoying the crime and the poverty, but it just isn’t cold enough. Let’s go west.”—Richard Jeni

The only difference between Genius and Insanity... is success.

Being in the army is like being in the Boy Scouts, except that the Boy Scouts have adult supervision.

Men have a much better time of it than women; for one thing, they marry later; for another thing they die earlier.

Madness takes its toll. Please have exact change.

People with narrow minds usually have broad tongues.

Why do we wash bath towels, aren’t we clean when we use them?

If a President doesn’t do it to his wife, he’ll do it to his country.

If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?

I tried to photograph the fog, but I mist.

“I would like to live in Manchester, England. The transition between Manchester and death would be unnoticeable”. — Mark Twain

As a final incentive before giving up a difficult task, try to imagine it successfully accomplished by someone you violently dislike.

Some people are going to leave a mark on this world, while others will leave a stain.

There are two kinds of people, those who finish what they start, and so on.

Consciousness: that annoying time between naps.

Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.

Cole’s Law: Thinly sliced cabbage.

You’ll never get to heaven if you’re scared of getting high.

99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.

My husband and I divorced over religious differences... He thought he was God and I didn’t.

On the plus side, death is one of the few things that can be done just as easily as lying down.

If at first you do succeed, try to hide your astonishment.

Why is it called tourist season if we can’t shoot at them?

One of the greatest labour-saving inventions today is tomorrow.

System Error - Windows Loaded

Anything not nailed down is a cat toy.

If people concentrated on the really important things in life, there’d be a shortage of fishing poles.

I’d explain it to you, but your brain would explode.

I love being married. It’s so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.

A clean tie attracts the soup of the day.

Snowmen fall from Heaven unassembled.

Man who run behind car get exhausted.

Why don’t you ever see the headline “Psychic Wins Lottery”?

Anywhere is walking distance, if you’ve got the time.

I’m reading a book about anti-gravity. I can’t put it down.

When a clock is hungry, it goes back four seconds.

Without question, the greatest invention in the history of mankind is beer. Oh, I grant you that the wheel was also a fine invention, but the wheel does not go nearly as well with pizza.

Someday we’ll look back on all this and plow into the back of a parked car.

“I have left orders to be awakened at any time in case of national emergency – even if I’m in a Cabinet meeting.” – Ronald Reagan

They told me I had type A blood, but it was a Type O

Don’t use a big word where a diminutive one will suffice.

I don’t meet competition. I crush it

If you can’t convince them, confuse them.

A penny saved is a Congressional spending oversight.

How do you spot an Irishman at a carwash? He’s the one on the bike.

It is not my interest to pay the principal, nor my principal to pay the interest.

Man who run in front of car get tired.

Don’t use a big word where a diminutive one will suffice.

Every morning is the dawn of a new error.

When I’m not in my right mind, my left mind gets pretty crowded

If puns were outlawed, only outlaws would have puns.

If someone with multiple personalities threatens suicide... is it considered a hostage situation?

Quantum: Noun, word used to sound like I know what I’m talking about while discussing physics I’ve never actually studied.

Age is a very high price to pay for maturity.

A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a train stops. On my desk I have a workstation...

The difference between a stepping-stone and a stumbling block can be when you see it.

I arise in the morning torn between a desire to improve the world and a desire to enjoy the world. This makes it hard to plan the day.

If trees could scream, would we be so cavalier about cutting them down? We might, if they screamed all the time, for no good reason.

We are going on a field trip to the Coca-Cola factory. I hope there are no pop quizzes.

Jokes about German sausage are the wurst.

Experience is something you do not get until just after you need it.

Birthdays are good for you. Statistics show that the people who have the most live the longest.

The dumber people think you are, the more surprised they’re going to be when you kill them—Rodney Dangerfield

I can resist everything except temptation.

“#define QUESTION ((bb) || !(bb))” — Shakespeare

When Chemists die, they barium.

Acupuncture is a jab well done.

Promises are like babies: fun to make, but hell to deliver.

Why does Sea World have a seafood restaurant? I’m halfway through my fish burger and I realize, Oh my gosh... I could be eating a slow learner.

This Would Be Really Funny If It Weren’t Happening To Me.

Energizer Bunny arrested: Charged with battery.

Some people are alive only because it’s illegal to kill them.

Foolproof systems don’t take into account the ingenuity of fools.

Englishmen never will be slaves: they are free to do whatever the Government and public opinion allow them to do.

England has no kidney bank, but it does have a Liverpool.

“The web is a dominatrix. Every where I turn, I see little buttons ordering me to Submit.” — Nytwind.

I guess traffic in the city is improving a little. Yesterday, I drove clear across town and only had to shave twice.

If you’re born again, do you have two bellybuttons?

“If carrots are so good for the eyes, how come I see so many dead rabbits on the highway?”

Insanity is hereditary; you can get it from your children.

Murphy’s Golden Rule: Whoever has the gold makes the rules.

Only a fool is astonished by the foolishness of humankind.

“If women didn’t exist, all the money in the world would have no meaning.” – Aristotle Onassis

I don’t necessarily agree with everything I say.

I wonder how much deeper would the ocean be without sponges.

Smith & Wesson — the original point and click interface.

Hard work never killed anybody but why take the chance?

Seeing a murder on television...will help work off one’s antagonisms. And if you haven’t any antagonisms, the commercials will give you some.

Better to remain silent and be thought a fool, than to speak and remove all doubt.

Where you stand depends on where you sit.

Hemp is a herb. Bush is a dope.

I have great faith in fools; my friends call it self-confidence.

Optimists believe we live on the greatest world. Pessimists believe this is true.

He does the work of three men: Larry, Moe and Curly.

A soldier who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran.

I spent most of my money on booze, drugs and women... The rest I wasted!

If you don’t pay your exorcist you get repossessed.

Life is far too important to be taken seriously.

I don’t suffer from stress. I’m a carrier.

A printer consists of three main parts: the case, the jammed paper tray and the blinking red light

“The best thing about the future is that it comes only one day at a time.” – Abraham Lincoln

One good thing about repeating your mistakes is that you know when to cringe.

As long as there are tests, there will be prayer in public schools.

“Every mighty oak was once just a nut who stood his ground.”

Bachelors have consciences, married men have wives.

Don’t Be Sexist – Broads Hate That.

Gossip: The art of saying nothing while leaving nothing unsaid.

It is hard to understand how a cemetery raised its burial charges and blamed it on the cost of living.

My husband says I never listen to him (at least I think that’s what he said)

I have spent my whole life looking for the perfect woman, and now I’ve found her. Too bad she’s looking for the perfect man.

When angry count four, when very angry, swear.

If I were someone who knew something, who could I tell that would believe me?

If a man opens a car door for a woman, either the car is new or the woman.

Oh, don’t fuss. I just cut myself. It’s no big deal,” REALLY MEANS, “I have actually severed a limb, but will bleed to death before I admit I’m hurt.”

One should forgive one’s enemies, but not before they are hanged.

Marriage is not a word; it is a sentence.

Killed - Personality Incompatibility

Early to rise, early to bed, makes a man healthy but socially dead.

Everything you like is bad for you in some way.

I hope that after I die, people will say of me: “That guy sure owed me a lot of money.”

I don’t like people who take drugs... Customs Officers for example.

Some people say that I must be a horrible person, but that’s not true. I have the heart of a young boy – in a jar on my desk.

I Haven’t Lost My Mind, It’s Backed Up On Disk Somewhere.

Santa’s helpers are subordinate clauses.

Eschew obfuscation.

The man who fell into an upholstery machine is fully recovered.

Where do you find an Irish woodworm? Dead inside a brick.

“I am not worried about the deficit. It is big enough to take care of itself.” – Ronald Reagan

Time sneaks up on you like a windshield on a bug.

“I’ve been on a calendar but I have never been on time” – Marilyn Monroe

Bachelors know more about women than married men; if they didn’t they’d be married too.

Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy.

My schoolmates would make love to anything that moved, but I never saw any reason to limit myself.

It is a fitting irony that under Richard Nixon, ‘launder’ became a dirty word.

Laugh and the world laughs with you; snore and you sleep alone.

A synonym is a word you use when you can’t spell the word you first thought of.

I like kids, but I don’t think I could eat a whole one.

If the world should blow itself up, the last audible voice would be that of an expert saying it can’t be done.

Before you give a colleague a piece of your mind, be sure you can spare it.

Any ship can be a minesweeper... once.

Remember, half the people you know are below average.

Be careful when reading health books; you may die of a misprint.

Perhaps you’re diagonally parked in a parallel universe?

Get a new car for your spouse – it’ll be a great trade!

Just because you’re not paranoid doesn’t mean they’re not out to get you.

Brain: an apparatus with which we think we think.

I majored in liberal arts. Will that be for here or to go?

The dictionary is the only place where success comes before work.

We have two ends. One for sitting and one for thinking. Our success depends on which one we use most.

I Refuse To Have A Battle Of Wits With An Unarmed Person.

You’re such an inspiration for the way I’ll never choose to be.

If con is the opposite of pro, congress is the opposite of progress.

I often quote myself; it adds spice to my conversation.

Save the whales. Collect the whole set.

I’m quite easy to get along with, once you learn to beckon at my every call and yield to all my desires.

Shin: a device for finding furniture in the dark.

If I’d known I was going to live this long, I’d have taken better care of myself.

I had some words with my wife, and she had some paragraphs with me.

If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?

“People who drink light beer don’t like the taste of beer; they just like to pee a lot” — Rodney Dangerfield

You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.

The day I can’t do my job drunk is the day I turn in my badge and gun.

Red Tape Holds Up New Bridge!

“Are you going to come quietly, or do I have to use earplugs?”—Vale Spike Milligan

A day without sun shine is like, you know, night.

Man who drive like hell bound to get there.

I always wanted to be a procrastinator, never got around to it though.

Hope sees the invisible, feels the intangible and achieves the impossible.

“As a matter of fact” is an expression that precedes many an expression that isn’t.

Allow me to introduce my selves.

I am obviously right, and as you disagree with me, then logically you must be wrong.

Plato is dead, Einstein is dead, and I’m not feeling too good myself...

There’s a difference between being open-minded and having a hole in your head

One day I will get this peer guy and reset his connection.

What do you call a dinosaur with an extensive vocabulary? A thesaurus.

Laughing stock: cattle with a sense of humour.

“Inconceivable!” “I do not think that word means what you think it means.”

Nick Overruled - Democratic Majority Decision

“You can always count on Americans to do the right thing—after they’ve tried everything else” – Winston Churchill

I’m not dumb; I just have a command of thoroughly useless information.

I don’t enjoy computer jokes; not one bit.

Smoking cures weight problems...eventually...

111,111,111 x 111,111,111 = 12,345,678,987,654,321

Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.

Even crime wouldn’t pay if the government ran it.

Procrastinate Now!

A bargain is something you don’t need at a price you can’t resist.

Women like silent men. They think they’re listening.

Show me a piano falling down a mineshaft and I’ll show you A-flat minor.

When in doubt, mumble.

I’d like to see things your way, but I’m looking in another direction.

Modesty is a virtue of fools.

I am a nobody, nobody is perfect, therefore I’m perfect.

Laugh at your problems; everybody else does.

Raising teenagers is like trying to nail Jell-O to a tree.

I used to be apathetic, but now I don’t give a damn.

Bacteria: the only culture some people have.

It is not what a teenager knows that bothers his parents. It is how he found out.

I’m sorry; you cannot have an outlook on life because it isn’t responding. Microsoft apologises for any inconvenience.

“Few things are harder to put up with than a good example.”—Mark Twain

Any task worth doing was worth doing yesterday.

According to recent study someone is run over by a car every 5 minutes in the city. You’d think the guy would have enough sense to get out of the street.

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On the keyboard of life, always keep one finger on the escape key.

How Many Roads Must A Man Travel Down Before He Admits He Is Lost?

In a Copenhagen airline ticket office: We take your bags and send them in all directions.

When in trouble, fear or doubt, run in circles, scream and shout.

Blessed are those who can laugh at themselves, they will never cease to be amused.

Tip the world over on its side and everything loose will land in Los Angeles.

If you don’t know where you are going, you will wind up somewhere else.

If Bill Gates had a nickel for every time Windows crashed... oh wait, he does.

If it’s 0 degrees today and it’s going to be twice as cold tomorrow... how cold will it be?

When you come to a fork in the road, take it.

We spend the first twelve months of our children’s lives teaching them to walk and talk and the next twelve telling them to sit down and shut up.

It’s important to be open-minded, but not SO open-minded that your brains fall out.

Never go to a doctor whose office plants have died.

The early bird gets the worm, but the early worm gets eaten.

Marriage is a three-ring circus: engagement ring, wedding ring, and suffering.

What sane person could live in this world and not be crazy?

Caution – Driver Legally Blonde!

Anything that can become tangled around something else, will.

“I think there is a world market for maybe five computers.” — Thomas Watson, chairman of IBM, 1943.

Some people are alive only because it’s illegal to kill them.

Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don’t.

Eagles may soar, but weasels don’t get sucked into jet engines.

My mind works like lightning. One brilliant flash and it is gone.

I’ve been trying for some time to develop a life style that doesn’t require my presence.

I have kleptomania, but when it gets bad, I take something for it. ~ Robert Benchle

There’s a fine line between genius and insanity. I have erased this line.

It is a small world, but I wouldn’t like to have to paint it.

Being single is like a vacuum. It sucks when you are turned on.

I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol.

“Always in motion the future is. Seasick it makes me. That’s why so green I am”. – Yoda

I couldn’t repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.

Nobody can be exactly like me. Even I have trouble doing it.

I heard a man say that brigands demand your money or your life, whereas women require both.

I intend to live forever – so far, so good.

A poor excuse is like an old bucket; doesn’t matter what shape it is in, as long as it holds water.

He often broke into song because he couldn’t find the key.

I tried sniffing Coke once, but the ice cubes got stuck in my nose.

I take everything I can for my kleptomania.

Isn’t having a smoking section in a restaurant like having a peeing section in a swimming pool?

Two strings walk into a bar. The first string says to the bartender, “Bartender, I’ll have a beer. u.5n$x5t?*&4ru!2[sACCErJ”. The second string says, “Pardon my friend, he isn’t NULL terminated”.

Macho Law prohibits me from admitting I’m wrong.

Marriage changes passion... suddenly you’re in bed with a relative.

How do I set a laser printer to stun?

My parents stayed together for forty years, but that was out of spite.

“I have never let my schooling interfere with my education.”—Mark Twain

If I were two-faced, would I be wearing this one?

Whenever there is any doubt, there is no doubt.

The illegal we do immediately. The unconstitutional takes a little longer. – Henry Kissinger

Support bacteria – they’re the only culture some people have.

Success always occurs in private, and failure in full public view.

I thought I wanted a career, turns out I just wanted paychecks.

Anger is only one letter away from danger.

Be nice to your kids. They’ll choose your nursing home.

Love is blind, but marriage is a real eye-opener.

If at first you don’t succeed, try, try again. Then quit. There’s no use being a damned fool about it.

The shortest distance between two points is under construction.

Character is what you are in the dark.

Time flies like an arrow – fruit flies like a banana.

By the time a man realises that his father was right, he has a son who thinks he’s wrong.

When he first ran for office, he appealed to the voters: “I never stole anything in my life. All I ask is a chance.”

If you don’t learn to laugh at troubles, you won’t have anything to laugh at when you grow old.

Succeed in spite of management. Aim Low; Reach Your Goals, Avoid Disappointment.

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