Amusing Quotes & One-Liners — Ned Martin’s Amused

Amusing Quotes & One-Liners

Support bacteria – they’re the only culture some people have.

Slow is when someone laps you in the hundred-yard dash

Blessed are the young, for they shall inherit the national debt.

When Chemists die, they barium.

“Banking establishments are more dangerous than standing armies”. — Thomas Jefferson

When I’m not in my right mind, my left mind gets pretty crowded

If it weren’t for electricity we’d all be watching television by candlelight?

When I was a boy I was told that anybody could become president; I’m beginning to believe it.

Jokes about German sausage are the wurst.

How do you keep an Irishman busy? Write P.T.O on both sides of a piece of paper.

If you want a committed man, look in a mental hospital.

I take everything I can for my kleptomania.

Booze is the answer. I don’t remember the question.

Some people are going to leave a mark on this world, while others will leave a stain.

They told me I had type A blood, but it was a Type O

Next time you wave, use all your fingers.

In a Norwegian cocktail lounge: Ladies are requested not to have children in the bar.

I married Miss Right. I just didn’t know her first name was Always.

On the plus side, death is one of the few things that can be done just as easily as lying down.

Work: It isn’t just for sleeping anymore.

A bachelor is a man who comes to work from a different direction each morning.

I envy people who drink – at least they know what to blame everything on.

Does this smell like chloroform to you?

“I would like to live in Manchester, England. The transition between Manchester and death would be unnoticeable”. — Mark Twain

I thought I made a mistake once, but I was wrong.

When I was young, I could remember anything. Whether it happened or not.

If sex is such a natural phenomenon, how come there are so many books on how to do it.

Am I getting smart with you? How would you know?

In a Budapest zoo: Please do not feed the animals. If you have any suitable food, give it to the guard on duty.

I am not a vegetarian because I love animals; I am a vegetarian because I hate plants.

Knowledge is the key, but where is the damn lock?

This Would Be Really Funny If It Weren’t Happening To Me.

Genius is 1% inspiration, and 99% perspiration.

I don’t meet competition. I crush it

I have noticed that the people who are late are often so much jollier that the people who have to wait for them.

Show me a piano falling down a mineshaft and I’ll show you A-flat minor.

I don’t have an attitude problem. You have a perception problem.

IRS: We’ve got what it takes to take what you’ve got.

Chipped dishes never break.

Outside of a dog, a book is probably man’s best friend, and inside of a dog, it’s too dark to read.

Plato is dead, Einstein is dead, and I’m not feeling too good myself...

Where there’s a will, I want to be in it.

If you don’t pay your exorcist you get repossessed.

You can always spot a well-informed man – his views are the same as yours.

Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way when you criticize them, you are a mile away from them and you have their shoes.

If you can’t be kind, at least have the decency to be vague.

The only reason some people get lost in thought is because it’s unfamiliar territory.

It’s easy to quit smoking... I’ve done it over 10,000 times.

Early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.

I arise in the morning torn between a desire to improve the world and a desire to enjoy the world. This makes it hard to plan the day.

Originality is the fine art of remembering what you hear, but forgetting where you heard it.

Is Disney World the only people trap operated by a mouse?

Two strings walk into a bar. The first string says to the bartender, “Bartender, I’ll have a beer. u.5n$x5t?*&4ru!2[sACCErJ”. The second string says, “Pardon my friend, he isn’t NULL terminated”.

Succeed in spite of management. Aim Low; Reach Your Goals, Avoid Disappointment.

The illegal we do immediately. The unconstitutional takes a little longer. – Henry Kissinger

When in trouble, fear or doubt, run in circles, scream and shout.

Why is it that to stop Windows, you have to click on “Start”?

Everybody is ignorant, only on different subjects.

Progress was all right. Only it went on too long.

Marriage is a three-ring circus: engagement ring, wedding ring, and suffering.

“If carrots are so good for the eyes, how come I see so many dead rabbits on the highway?”

The world is full of willing people; some willing to work, the rest willing to let them.

Impotence: Nature’s Way Of Saying “No Hard Feelings”.

I changed my iPod’s name to Titanic. It’s syncing now.

All the toilets in New York’s police stations have been stolen. The police have nothing to go on.

The best computer is a man, and it’s the only one that can be mass-produced by unskilled labour.

Shin: a device for finding furniture in the dark.

Madness takes its toll. Please have exact change.

My reality check just bounced.

I love work; it fascinates me; I can sit and watch it for hours.

I am amazed at radio DJ’s today. I am firmly convinced that AM on my radio stands for Absolute Moron. I will not begin to tell you what FM stands for.

Better to remain silent and be thought a fool, than to speak and remove all doubt.

Don’t talk unless you can improve the silence.

I can please only one person per day. Today is not your day. Tomorrow isn’t looking good either.

Make sure your mind isn’t so open that your brains fall out.

Killed - Personality Incompatibility

One of the greatest labour-saving inventions today is tomorrow.

It’s bad luck to be superstitious.

Time is a great teacher, but unfortunately it kills all its pupils.

Birthdays are good for you. Statistics show that the people who have the most live the longest.

To B or not to B? *kills the B* I HATE BEES!!!! – LynxofCP

A baby sitter is a teenager acting like an adult while the adults are out acting like teenagers.

Time’s fun when you’re having flies... Kermit the Frog

Technology is a way of organizing the universe so that man doesn’t have to experience it.

There’s a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot.

I’m out of my mind, but feel free to leave a message.

What do you call a dinosaur with an extensive vocabulary? A thesaurus.

Hemp is a herb. Bush is a dope.

“Blink your eyelids periodically to lubricate your eyes.” — Page 16 of the HP “Environmental, Health Safety Handbook for Employees”.

A drop of ink may make a million think.

I haven’t spoken to my wife for 18 months: I don’t like to interrupt her.

It’s just a job. Grass grows, birds fly, waves pound the sand. I just beat people up. – Muhammad Ali

“There are only two things that are infinite: the universe and human stupidity. And I’m not sure about the universe.” A. Einstein

All men are equal. Some are just more equal than others.

Gossip: The art of saying nothing while leaving nothing unsaid.

The trouble with life is there’s no background music.

“There is no reason anyone would want a computer in their home.” — Ken Olson, founder of Digital Equipment Corp., 1977.

Democracy is a process by which people are free to choose the man who will get the blame.

If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?

Comedy is tragedy plus time.

Alcohol: the cause of, and solution to, all of life’s problems.

Warning: Dates in Calendar are closer than they appear.

You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They left a little note on the windscreen, it said ‘Parking Fine.’

“You, you and you: panic. The rest of you, come with me.”

Love is blind, but marriage is a real eye-opener.

I don’t necessarily agree with everything I say.

Lead us not into temptation. Just tell us where it is; we’ll find it.

Some people are alive only because it’s illegal to kill them.

If a job is worth doing well get someone else to do it.

“Are you going to come quietly, or do I have to use earplugs?”—Vale Spike Milligan

Sheep don’t fly so much as plummet.

“I am not worried about the deficit. It is big enough to take care of itself.” – Ronald Reagan

The most powerful force in the universe is gossip.

Be kind to your dentist. He has fillings, too.

At the age of six I wanted to be a cook. At seven I wanted to be Napoleon. And my ambition has been growing steadily ever since.

Best way to get a man to do something, is to suggest they are too old for it.

Procrastinate Now!

AIBOHPHOBIA – the fear of palindromes.

Venison for dinner again? Oh deer!

Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.

If at first you do succeed, try to hide your astonishment.

System Error - Windows Loaded

There is no such thing as an underestimate of average intelligence

If quizzes are quizzical, what are tests?

The doctor can bury his mistakes but an architect can only advise his client to plant vines.

Five out of four people have trouble with fractions.

“I think there is a world market for maybe five computers.” — Thomas Watson, chairman of IBM, 1943.

I plead contemporary insanity.

If it’s true that we are here to help others, then what exactly are the others here for?

According to recent study someone is run over by a car every 5 minutes in the city. You’d think the guy would have enough sense to get out of the street.

I tried sniffing Coke once, but the ice cubes got stuck in my nose.

“If women didn’t exist, all the money in the world would have no meaning.” – Aristotle Onassis

All those who believe in psycho kinesis raise my hand.

Cheer up, the worst is yet to come.

If you do not make dust, you eat dust.

Man who eat many prunes get good run for money.

Nobody can be exactly like me. Even I have trouble doing it.

Marriage changes passion... suddenly you’re in bed with a relative.

Always try to be modest and be proud of it!

I installed a skylight in my apartment. The people who live above me are furious.

Consciousness: that annoying time between naps.

Being in the army is like being in the Boy Scouts, except that the Boy Scouts have adult supervision.

If at first you don’t succeed, destroy all the evidence that you tried.

By the time a man realises that his father was right, he has a son who thinks he’s wrong.

Outside a Hong Kong tailor shop: Ladies may have a fit upstairs.

I used to be a banker, but then I lost interest.

Why is the man that invests your money called a broker?

Age always corresponds inversely to the size of your multivitamin.

There are only three kinds of people; people who can count and people who can’t.

I work hard because millions on welfare depend on me.

I’m quite easy to get along with, once you learn to beckon at my every call and yield to all my desires.

Never put both feet in your mouth at the same time, because then you don’t have a leg to stand on.

When angry count four, when very angry, swear.

Cole’s Law: Thinly sliced cabbage.

When a clock is hungry, it goes back four seconds.

What’s the definition of a will? (It’s a dead giveaway).

PMS jokes aren’t funny. Period.

Life is far too important to be taken seriously.

Brilliant, but with the social skills of a thermonuclear device.

Horn broken. Watch for finger. (on bumper sticker)

Foolproof systems don’t take into account the ingenuity of fools.

If you can’t beat your computer at chess, try kickboxing.

My girlfriend told me I should be more affectionate. So I got two more girlfriends.

Anything that can become tangled around something else, will.

An egotist has one point in his favour – he doesn’t go round talking about other people.

I’m an idealist: I don’t know where I’m going, but I’m on my way.

I was the next door kid’s imaginary friend.

Remember... Marriage is the number one cause of divorce. Statistically, 100% of all divorces started with marriage.

Time sneaks up on you like a windshield on a bug.

I’m reading a book about anti-gravity. I can’t put it down.

The more time you spend in reporting on what you are doing, the less time you have to do it in. Stability is achieved when you spend all your time doing nothing but reporting on the nothing you are doing.

If you can stay calm, while all around you is chaos... then you probably haven’t completely understood the situation.

Plagiarism saves time.

I always wanted to be somebody, but I should have been more specific.

“On two occasions I have been asked [by members of Parliament!]: ‘Pray, Mr. Babbage, if you put into the machine wrong figures, will the right answers come out ?’ I am not able rightly to apprehend the kind of confusion of ideas that could provoke such a question.” — Charles Babbage.

If a woman has to choose between catching a fly ball and saving an infant’s life, she will choose to save the infant’s life without even considering if there is a man on base.—Dave Barry

All my life, I always wanted to be somebody. Now I see that I should have been more specific.

Pick your friends but not to pieces.

When life hands you a lemon, make lemonade.

Accept that some days you’re the pigeon, and some days you’re the statue.

Why is it that doctors call what they do “practice”?

The shortest distance between two points is under construction.

It is hard to understand how a cemetery raised its burial charges and blamed it on the cost of living.

The amount of work to be done increases in proportion to the amount of work already completed. — VAIL’S SECOND AXIOM

“This report, by its very length, defends itself against the risk of being read”. — Winston Churchill

Where you stand depends on where you sit.

In a Tokyo shop: Our nylons cost more than common, but you’ll find they are best in the long run.

Proofread carefully to see if you any words out.

You have the right to your opinions. I just don’t want to hear them.

Ours is a world where people don’t know what they want and are willing to go through hell to get it.

99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.

“I could tell that my parents hated me. My bath toys were a toaster and a radio” — Rodney Dangerfield

Don’t marry for money. You can borrow it cheaper.

Murphy’s Golden Rule: Whoever has the gold makes the rules.

Just remember... if the world didn’t suck, we’d all fall off.

Bachelors have consciences, married men have wives.

Applying computer technology is simply finding the right wrench to pound in the correct screw.

It is not what a teenager knows that bothers his parents. It is how he found out.

Experience is simply the name we give our mistakes.

Women like silent men. They think they’re listening.

Allow me to introduce my selves.

I like kids, but I don’t think I could eat a whole one.

The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.

He who laughs last thinks slowest.

If we learn by our mistakes, some of us are getting one hell of an education!

Confidence is the feeling you have before you understand the situation

Well, if I called the wrong number, why did you answer the phone?

Anything’s possible... apart from skiing through a revolving door.

Two signs from a Majorcan shop entrance: English well speaking / Here speeching American.

Everything is possible; just not too probable.

I did a theatrical performance about puns. It was a play on words.

Why were the Indians here first? They had reservations.

Don’t use a big word where a diminutive one will suffice.

I am free of all prejudices. I hate everyone equally.

I have had more trouble with myself than with any other man I’ve met.

Mines are equal opportunity weapons.

On the other hand you have different fingers.

Whenever there is any doubt, there is no doubt.

If you don’t know where you are going, you might wind up someplace else.

What’s another word for Thesaurus?

There are two types of people in this world, good and bad. The good sleep better, but the bad seem to enjoy the waking hours much more.

If At First You Don’t Succeed... Blame Someone Else And Seek Counseling.

“Few things are harder to put up with than a good example.”—Mark Twain

Bacteria: the only culture some people have.

You’re not drunk if you can lie on the floor without holding on.

Computers make it easy to do a lot of things, but most of the things that make it easier to do don’t need to be done.

Be careful when reading health books; you may die of a misprint.

Doctor, Doctor You’ve got to help me – I just can’t stop my hands shaking. Do you drink a lot? Not really – I spill most of it!

What if there were no hypothetical questions?

Tips for Vegetarians: Hit a chicken enough times and it turns into a vegetable.

Just because you’re not paranoid doesn’t mean they’re not out to get you.

Shin: a device for finding furniture in the dark.

Hard work never killed anybody but why take the chance?

Eschew obfuscation.

In a Copenhagen airline ticket office: We take your bags and send them in all directions.

Anything not nailed down is a cat toy.

I majored in liberal arts. Will that be for here or to go?

How do you know if a fish is Irish? It has drowned.

“A girl phoned me the other day and said... Come on over, there’s nobody home. I went over. Nobody was home” — Rodney Dangerfield

Blessed are those who can laugh at themselves, they will never cease to be amused.

If someone with multiple personalities threatens suicide... is it considered a hostage situation?

Go the extra mile. It makes your boss look like an incompetent slacker.

It is a fitting irony that under Richard Nixon, ‘launder’ became a dirty word.

I was at a bar nursing a beer. My nipple was getting quite soggy.

So Many Pedestrians – So Little Time.

Men don’t care what’s on TV. They only care what else is on TV.

Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.

“I believe in equality for everyone, except reporters and photographers”. — Gandhi

“Auntie Em: hate you, hate Kansas, taking the dog.” – Dorothy

A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat.

Everybody is somebody else’s weirdo.

Promises are like babies: fun to make, but hell to deliver.

Make three correct guesses consecutively and you will establish yourself as an expert.

Mind like a steel trap – rusty and illegal in most states.

To define recursion, we must first define recursion.

I think animal testing is a terrible idea; they get all nervous and give the wrong answers.

If automobiles had followed the same development cycle as the computer, a Rolls Royce would today cost $100, get a million miles per gallon, and explode once a year, killing everyone inside.

Marriage is not a word; it is a sentence.

Borrow money from pessimists- they don’t expect to get it back.

It’s important to be open-minded, but not SO open-minded that your brains fall out.

How do you spot an Irishman at a carwash? He’s the one on the bike.

Don’t Be Sexist – Broads Hate That.

When in doubt, mumble.

I wonder how much deeper would the ocean be without sponges.

If at first you don’t succeed, try, try again. Then quit. There’s no use being a damned fool about it.

I married my wife for her looks... but not the ones she’s been giving me lately!

Latest survey shows that 3 out of 4 people make up 75% of the world’s population.

Get even – live long enough to be a problem to your kids.

Being single is like a vacuum. It sucks when you are turned on.

Conscience is the inner voice warning us that someone may be looking.

I guess traffic in the city is improving a little. Yesterday, I drove clear across town and only had to shave twice.

Quantum: Noun, word used to sound like I know what I’m talking about while discussing physics I’ve never actually studied.

Well, this day was a total waste of makeup.

He’s not dead, he’s electroencephalographically challenged.

You can say any foolish thing to a dog, and the dog will give you a look that says, “My God, you’re right! I never would’ve thought of that!”

If we aren’t supposed to eat animals, why are they made of meat?

The difference between a stepping-stone and a stumbling block can be when you see it.

“#define QUESTION ((bb) || !(bb))” — Shakespeare

At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be “What is hell?” Come early and listen to our choir practice.

What does a clock do when it’s hungry? It goes back four seconds.

When you do not know what you are doing, do it neatly.

The short fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.

No sense being pessimistic, it probably wouldn’t work anyway.

They say if you play a Microsoft CD backwards you hear satanic messages. That’s nothing, if you play it forwards it installs Windows.

Be thankful for problems. If they were less difficult, someone with less ability might have your job.

I majored in liberal arts. Will that be for here or to go?

Hope sees the invisible, feels the intangible and achieves the impossible.

Anyone who told you to be yourself couldn’t have given you worse advice.

How do you sink an Irish Submarine? Knock on the hatch.

The only perfect science is hindsight.

To err is human – and to blame it on a computer is even more so.

Why does Sea World have a seafood restaurant? I’m halfway through my fish burger and I realize, Oh my gosh... I could be eating a slow learner.

Without question, the greatest invention in the history of mankind is beer. Oh, I grant you that the wheel was also a fine invention, but the wheel does not go nearly as well with pizza.

We Quit Voting Will They All Go Away?

If I were two-faced, would I be wearing this one?

I stayed up all night to see where the sun went. Then it dawned on me.

It is said that if you line up all the cars in the world end to end, someone would be stupid enough to try and pass them.

Men have a much better time of it than women; for one thing, they marry later; for another thing they die earlier.

If Bill Gates had a nickel for every time Windows crashed... oh wait, he does.

A hangover is the wrath of grapes.

Man who drive like hell bound to get there.

Confidence is the feeling you have before you understand the situation.

Half our life is spent trying to find something to do with the time we have rushed through life trying to save.

Always remember you’re unique, just like everyone else.

It’s not that I’m afraid to die; I just don’t want to be there when it happens.

Friends may come and go, but enemies accumulate

Never go to a doctor whose office plants have died.

I’m not into working out. My philosophy: No pain, no pain.

I Haven’t Lost My Mind, It’s Backed Up On Disk Somewhere.

Living is not worth dying for.

If money talks, it ain’t on speakin’ terms with me.

Bigamy is having one wife too many. Monogamy is the same. – Oscar Wilde

I Refuse To Have A Battle Of Wits With An Unarmed Person.

Why do we wash bath towels, aren’t we clean when we use them?

I either want less corruption, or more chance to participate in it.

If you want your spouse to listen and pay strict attention to every word you say, talk in your sleep.

If you can’t convince them, confuse them.

Laugh and the world laughs with you; snore and you sleep alone.

“I worked in a pet shop and people kept asking how big I’d get” — Rodney Dangerfield

It’s strange, isn’t it. You stand in the middle of a library and go aaaaagghhhh’ and everyone just stares at you. But you do the same thing on an aeroplane, and everyone joins in.

A dyslexic man walks into a bra.

My schoolmates would make love to anything that moved, but I never saw any reason to limit myself.

Eagles may soar, but weasels don’t get sucked into jet engines.

Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don’t.

You have to stay in shape. My grandmother, she started walking five miles a day when she was 60. She’s 97 today and we don’t know where the hell she is.

The early bird gets the worm, but the early worm gets eaten.

If I were someone who knew something, who could I tell that would believe me?

I get enough exercise just pushing my luck.

Everybody lies, but it doesn’t matter since nobody listens.

As long as there are tests, there will be prayer in public schools.

Anyone can admit they were wrong; the true test is admitting it to someone else.

I think that’s how Chicago got started. A bunch of people in New York said, “Gee, I’m enjoying the crime and the poverty, but it just isn’t cold enough. Let’s go west.”—Richard Jeni

I’m not afraid of heights, only widths.

I used to find him boring until I stopped listening.

No problem is so big and complicated that it can’t be ran away from.

“You can always count on Americans to do the right thing—after they’ve tried everything else” – Winston Churchill

Hang in there; retirement is only thirty years away.

This comment is printed on 100% recycled electrons.

Some people are alive only because it’s illegal to kill them.

On a tombstone: I TOLD YOU I WAS SICK

I wondered why the baseball was getting bigger. Then it hit me.

I started out with nothing, and I still have most of it.

Ever stop to think and forget to start again?

“Then he ran into my knife. He ran into my knife ten times.” – Chicago

If you’re not wasted, the day is.

I always wanted to be a procrastinator, never got around to it though.

When he first ran for office, he appealed to the voters: “I never stole anything in my life. All I ask is a chance.”

I took a speed reading course and read ‘War and Peace’ in twenty minutes. It involves Russia. Enough women for four.

He who trains his tongue to quote the learned sages, will be known far and wide as a smart ass.

That which cannot be taken apart will fall apart.

“Things are more like they are now than they ever were before.” – Former U.S. President Dwight D. Eisenhower

I think, therefore I am single.

“People who drink light beer don’t like the taste of beer; they just like to pee a lot” — Rodney Dangerfield

A committee is a body that keeps minutes and wastes hours.

Even crime wouldn’t pay if the government ran it.

“The object of war is not to die for your country but to make the other bastard die for his.” – General George Patton

Any task worth doing was worth doing yesterday.

Half of being smart is knowing what you are dumb at.

Arguing on the Internet is like competing in the Special Olympics – even if you win, you are still retarded.

Men are from earth. Women are from earth. Deal with it.

Eagles may soar, but weasels don’t get sucked into jet engines.

It is wiser to find out than to suppose.—Mark Twain

People who think they know everything are annoying to those of us who do.

It is a small world, but I wouldn’t like to have to paint it.

I hope that after I die, people will say of me: “That guy sure owed me a lot of money.”

A person who smiles in the face of adversity... probably has a scapegoat.

My husband and I divorced over religious differences... He thought he was God and I didn’t.

Cheerfulness is contagious, but don’t wait to catch it from others. Be a carrier.

I have kleptomania, but when it gets bad, I take something for it. ~ Robert Benchle

Quantum mechanics: The dreams stuff is made of.

Everyone hates me because I’m paranoid.

I like children. Properly cooked.

Anything not nailed down is mine. Anything I can pry loose is not nailed down.

“Your mouse has moved. Windows must be restarted for the change to take effect. Reboot now ? [OK]”

When you are arguing with an idiot, make sure the other person isn’t doing the same thing.

The trouble with jogging is that, by the time you realise you’re not in shape for it, it’s far too far to walk back.

I’m sorry; you cannot have an outlook on life because it isn’t responding. Microsoft apologises for any inconvenience.

I hate women because they always know where things are.

Remember, half the people you know are below average.

How do I set a laser printer to stun?

Bacteria: the only culture some people have.

Caution – Driver Legally Blonde!

Age is a question of mind over matter. If you don’t mind, it don’t matter.

Where do you find an Irish woodworm? Dead inside a brick.

I didn’t like my beard at first. Then it grew on me.

To find out a girl’s faults, praise her to her girl friends.

Artificial Intelligence is no match for Natural Stupidity.

Get a new car for your spouse – it’ll be a great trade!

I have gone to look for myself, if I should return before I get back, keep me here.

Well if this is the wrong number, why did you answer it?

My favorite mythical creature? The honest politician.

Constipated People Don’t Give A Crap.

Optimists believe we live on the greatest world. Pessimists believe this is true.

You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.

I’m an apathetic sociopath – I’d kill you if I cared.

If a President doesn’t do it to his wife, he’ll do it to his country.

An army of deer led by a lion is more to be feared than an army of lions led by a deer.

My husband says I never listen to him (at least I think that’s what he said)

Life... I don’t get it...

Age is an issue of mind over matter. If you don’t mind, it doesn’t matter.

“Everyday I beat my own previous record for number of consecutive days I’ve stayed alive.”

Once, during prohibition, I was forced to live for days on nothing but food and water.

I couldn’t repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.

“Thinking is the hardest work there is, which is probably why so few engage in it”. — Henry Ford

Being a philosopher, I have a problem for every solution.

Sex on television can’t hurt you unless you fall off.

Restarting System - Mouse Moved

“Heavier-than-air flying machines are impossible.” — Lord Kelvin, president, Royal Society, 1895.

Partying... oops No Only Parting... sorry

Connection Reset - Insufficient Electrons

Seeing a murder on television...will help work off one’s antagonisms. And if you haven’t any antagonisms, the commercials will give you some.

The number of people watching you is directly proportional to the stupidity of your action.

I dropped out of communism class because of lousy Marx.

“Managing senior programmers is like herding cats” — Dave Platt.

Energizer Bunny arrested: Charged with battery.

Fundamentalism: Believe in a kind, loving God or we’ll kill you!

When you get a bladder infection, urine trouble.

I used to be a Kleptomaniac, But now I’m taking something for it

Why is the third hand on the watch called a second hand?

“When you starve with a tiger, the tiger starves last”. — Griffin’s Thought

I generally avoid temptation unless I can’t resist it.

Errors have been made. Others will be blamed.

This mind intentionally left blank

“You have to be careful about being too careful” – Beryl Pfizer

“There are two major products that come out of Berkeley: LSD and UNIX. We don’t believe this to be a coincidence.” — Jeremy S. Anderson

Jack and Jill did it for the insurance.

Nick Overruled - Democratic Majority Decision

If puns were outlawed, only outlaws would have puns.

One good thing about repeating your mistakes is that you know when to cringe.

Don’t look back. Something may be gaining on you.

What Has Four Legs And An Arm? A Happy Pit Bull.

Perhaps you’re diagonally parked in a parallel universe?

I don’t suffer from stress. I’m a carrier.

“I’d rather have a bottle in front of me, than a frontal lobotomy”. — Tom Waits

I have a simple philosophy. Fill what’s empty. Empty what’s full. Scratch where it itches.

Success always occurs in private, and failure in full public view.

I intend to live forever – so far, so good.

Good judgement comes from experience. Experience comes from bad judgement.

I fear my inferiority complex is not as good as yours.

The second day of a diet is alway easier than the first. By the second day, you’re off it.

The beatings will continue until morale improves.

I stayed up all night to see where the sun went. Then it dawned on me.

Needing someone is like needing a parachute. If he isn’t there the first time you need him, chances are you won’t be needing him again.

“If builders built buildings the way programmers write programs, then the first woodpecker that came along would destroy civilization” — Weinberg’s Second Law.

Prediction is extremely difficult. Especially about the future.

If ever I get married again it would have to be under an anaesthetic.

An egotist is a person of low taste—more interested in himself than in me.

There’s a difference between being open-minded and having a hole in your head

Money can’t buy happiness, but it sure makes misery easier to live with.

Cluster bombing from B-52s is very, very accurate – the bombs always hit the ground.

Remember half the people you know are below average.

For Sale: Parachute. Only used once, never opened, small stain.

If all you have is a hammer, everything looks like a nail.

Never argue with an idiot. They drag you down to their level then beat you with experience.

Did you hear about the cross-eyed teacher who lost her job because she couldn’t control her pupils?

If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?

The most precious thing we have is life. Yet it has absolutely no trade-in value.

Honesty is the best policy, but insanity is a better defence.

As a final incentive before giving up a difficult task, try to imagine it successfully accomplished by someone you violently dislike.

“Reader, suppose you were an idiot. And suppose you were a member of Congress. But I repeat myself”. — Mark Twain

Most vegetarians look so much like the food they eat that they can be classified as cannibals.

“Oh dear,” said God, “I hadn’t thought of that,” and promptly vanished in a puff of logic.

“As a matter of fact” is an expression that precedes many an expression that isn’t.

Democracy is a government where you can say what you think even if you don’t think.

The man who fell into an upholstery machine is fully recovered.

I spent most of my money on booze, drugs and women... The rest I wasted!

Why don’t you ever see the headline “Psychic Wins Lottery”?

It used to be only death and taxes were inevitable. Now, of course, there’s shipping and handling, too.

Wine divulges truth.

I like to start my periods with sentences.

Roses are red, Violets are blue. In Soviet Russia, Poems write you.

“Hey, I’ve got reasons for what I’m doing,” REALLY MEANS, “I sure hope I think of some pretty soon.”

We’ve made great medical progress in the last generation. What used to be merely an itch is now an allergy.

“The web is a dominatrix. Every where I turn, I see little buttons ordering me to Submit.” — Nytwind.

Of course, we are all worms—but I like to think, at least, that I am a glow-worm. – Winston Churchill

Somewhere on this globe, every ten seconds, is a woman giving birth to a child. She must be found and stopped.

The earthquake in Washington obviously was the government’s fault.

Youth would be an ideal state if it came a little later in life.

He who smiles in a crisis has found someone to blame.

A study in the Washington Post says that women have better verbal skills than men. I just want to say to the authors of that study: “Duh.”— Conan O’Brien

Every time I look at you I get a fierce desire to be lonesome.

“My wife made me join a bridge club. I jump off next Tuesday” — Rodney Dangerfield

Bachelors know more about women than married men; if they didn’t they’d be married too.

A great many people think they are thinking when they are merely rearranging their prejudices.

You’re such an inspiration for the way I’ll never choose to be.

The truth is a precious commodity. That’s why I use it so sparingly.

Some pain is physical, and some is mental, but one that’s both is dental.

What happens if you get scared half to death twice?

What hair color do they put on the driver’s licenses of bald men?

He’s so lazy. I’ve seen him step into a revolving door and wait.

People with narrow minds usually have broad tongues.

A diplomatic husband said to his wife, how do you expect me to remember your birthday when you never look any older?

e=mc^2 where m = the number of cooks required to spoil the broth

If everything is coming your way, you are probably in the wrong lane.

If the human brain were so simple that we could understand it, we would be so simple we couldn’t.

If the French were really intelligent, they’d speak English.

There are two kinds of people, those who finish what they start, and so on.

There are three ways to get something done: do it yourself, hire someone, or forbid your kids to do it.

One should forgive one’s enemies, but not before they are hanged.

Smoking cures weight problems...eventually...

It’s not hard to meet expenses, they’re everywhere.

A soldier who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran.

Programmer – A red-eyed, mumbling mammal capable of conversing with inanimate objects.

Anger is only one letter away from danger.

Laughing stock: cattle with a sense of humour.

I’d give my right arm to be ambidextrous.

If con is the opposite of pro, congress is the opposite of progress.

Cab drivers are living proof that practice does not make perfect.

Politicians are people who, when they see the light at the end of the tunnel, go out and buy more tunnel.

An Irish man was driving to the airport when he saw a sign saying ‘Airport – Left’... So he went home.

How Many Roads Must A Man Travel Down Before He Admits He Is Lost?

Men’s faults are many, women have only two. Everything they say, and everything they do.

The art of flying is to throw yourself at the ground and miss.

Ninety-nine per cent of the people in the world are fools and the rest of us are in great danger of contagion.

The sooner you fall behind the more time you’ll have to catch up.

Everyone needs belief in something. I believe I’ll have another beer.

Modesty is a virtue of fools.

Youth is a wonderful thing. What a crime to waste it on children.

Authority makes some people grow – and others just swell.

I used to be apathetic, but now I don’t give a damn.

Never buy a car you can’t push.

Brain: an apparatus with which we think we think.

Men occasionally stumble over the truth, but most of them pick themselves up and hurry off as if nothing had happened. – Winston Churchill

A conscience does not prevent sin. It only prevents you from enjoying it.

He often broke into song because he couldn’t find the key.

“I’ve noticed that everyone who is for abortion has already been born.” – Ronald Reagan

Just because your head is the biggest doesn’t mean it contains the right ideas.

The surprising thing about young fools is how many survive to become old fools.

INDECISION is the key to FLEXIBILITY.

It is well to remember the entire population of the universe, with one trifling exception, is composed of others.

Whenever I feel like exercise, I lie down until the feeling passes.

History will be kind to me for I intend to write it. – Winston Churchill

Seen it all, done it all, can’t remember most of it.

I’d explain it to you, but your brain would explode.

Be nice to your kids. They’ll choose your nursing home.

Laugh at your problems; everybody else does.

Every morning is the dawn of a new error.

I don’t like people who take drugs... Customs Officers for example.

If you don’t know where you are going, you will wind up somewhere else.

Half of the people in the world are below average.

England has no kidney bank, but it does have a Liverpool.

A pessimist is a man who has been compelled to live with an optimist

Under capitalism, man exploits man. Under Communism, it’s just the opposite.

Is there life before death?

Sheep don’t fly so much as plummet.

A bird in the hand is safer than one overhead.

“I wish everyone was peaceful. Then I could take over the planet with a butter knife”—Dogbert

Help Wanted: Telepath. You know where to apply.

If we don’t succeed, we run the risk of failure.

If you can’t dazzle them with brilliance... just baffle them with bullsh*t.

“I have left orders to be awakened at any time in case of national emergency – even if I’m in a Cabinet meeting.” – Ronald Reagan

When you come to a fork in the road, take it.

Early to rise, early to bed, makes a man healthy but socially dead.

It doesn’t matter what temperature the room is; it’s always room temperature.

Sometimes I think the surest sign that intelligent life exists elsewhere in the universe is that none of it has tried to contact us.

If I’d known I was going to live this long, I’d have taken better care of myself.

Stupidity is not a handicap! Park somewhere else!

Mental Floss prevents Moral Decay.

Some people say that I must be a horrible person, but that’s not true. I have the heart of a young boy – in a jar on my desk.

I have great faith in fools; my friends call it self-confidence.

“This ‘telephone’ has too many shortcomings to be seriously considered as a means of communication.” — Western Union internal memo, 1876.

Acupuncture is a jab well done.

Before you give a colleague a piece of your mind, be sure you can spare it.

If vegetable oil comes from vegetables, where does baby oil come from?

I spilled spot remover on my dog. Now he’s gone.

The things that come to those that wait may be the things left by those who got there first.

“War does not determine who is right - only who is left.” – Bertrand Russell

“Always in motion the future is. Seasick it makes me. That’s why so green I am”. – Yoda

It is hard enough to remember my opinions, without also remembering my reasons for them!

Lots of people know a good thing the minute the other fellow sees it first.

Everybody has a photographic memory. Some don’t have film.

Everything you like is bad for you in some way.

In the beginning, there was nothing. Then God said, “Let there be light,” and there was still nothing, but you could see it.

“Always be sincere, even when you don’t mean it”. — Irene Peter

I can resist everything except temptation.

Compromise: the art of dividing a cake so that everybody believes he or she got the biggest piece.

Does your train of thought have a caboose?

The day I can’t do my job drunk is the day I turn in my badge and gun.

“Reading computer manuals without the hardware is as frustrating as reading sex manuals without the software.” — Arthur C. Clarke.

If I have to work for an idiot, I might as well work for myself.

If at first you don’t succeed, skydiving is not your sport.

I tried to photograph the fog, but I mist.

Don’t stop to stomp on ants when the elephants are stampeding.

I’m desperately trying to figure out why kamikaze pilots wore helmets.

Velcro — what a rip off!

I used to think I was indecisive, but now I’m not sure.

Red Tape Holds Up New Bridge!

People can be divided into three groups: Those who make things happen, those who watch things happen, and those who wonder what happened.

It’s not true that married men live longer than single men. It only seems longer.

I had amnesia once or twice.

The scientific theory I like best is that the rings of Saturn are composed entirely of lost airline luggage.

One good turn gets most of the blankets.

If it’s 0 degrees today and it’s going to be twice as cold tomorrow... how cold will it be?

They say you only use ten percent of your brain. What about the other ten?

I had some words with my wife, and she had some paragraphs with me.

“A patriot must always be ready to defend his country against his government”. — Edward Abbey

I laugh in the face of danger, except if I’m involved.

“When in doubt tell the truth.”—Mark Twain

I love being married. It’s so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.

Pardon my driving, I am reloading.

Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy.

A synonym is a word you use when you can’t spell the word you first thought of.

“I have never let my schooling interfere with my education.”—Mark Twain

Isn’t having a smoking section in a restaurant like having a peeing section in a swimming pool?

Sometimes I wake up grumpy; other times I let her sleep

If you don’t know why I’m mad at you, then I’m certainly not going to tell you

Don’t be irreplaceable; if you cannot be replaced, you cannot be promoted.

God must love stupid people, he made so many.

Man who run behind car get exhausted.

I’d like to see things your way, but I’m looking in another direction.

A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a train stops. On my desk I have a workstation...

The secret of success is sincerity. Once you can fake that you’ve got it made.

Money is better than poverty, if only for financial reasons.

An Apple a day keeps the doctor away. But... an onion a day keeps everyone away.

This girl said she recognized me from the vegetarian club, but I’d never met herbivore

As the light changed from red to green to yellow and back to red again, I sat there thinking about life. Was it nothing more than a bunch of honking and yelling? Sometimes it seemed that way.

Stupidity is not a handicap. Park elsewhere!

Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7th of your life.

When your IQ reaches 80 –– sell.

I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.

If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?

Democracy is the recurrent suspicion that more than half of the people are right more than half of the time.

Eat a live toad first thing in the morning, and nothing worse can happen to you the rest of the day.

I got a job at a bakery because I kneaded dough.

A conclusion is simply the place where you got tired of thinking.

Experience is something you do not get until just after you need it.

Man who run in front of car get tired.

Why is it called tourist season if we can’t shoot at them?

When all other means of communication fail, try words.

If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?

I love deadlines. I especially like the whooshing sound they make as they go flying by.

I don’t believe in astrology. I am a Sagittarius and we’re very skeptical. ~ Arthur C. Clarke

I am obviously right, and as you disagree with me, then logically you must be wrong.

A procrastinator’s work is never done.

Nothing means nothing, but it isn’t really nothing because nothing is something that isn’t.

I’ve been trying for some time to develop a life style that doesn’t require my presence.

“C++ : Where friends have access to your private members.” — Gavin Russell Baker.

Life is complex: it has real and imaginary parts.

Chaos, panic, & disorder – my work here is done.

For people who like peace and quiet – a phoneless cord.

People don’t grow up; they just learn how to act in public.

How did Moses make his tea? Hebrews it.

The sooner you fall behind the more time you’ll have to catch up.

Englishmen never will be slaves: they are free to do whatever the Government and public opinion allow them to do.

In democracy it’s your vote that counts. In feudalism it’s your count that votes.

You’ll never get to heaven if you’re scared of getting high.

Cleverly Disguised As A Responsible Adult.

“Life is a waste of time, time is a waste of life, so get wasted all of the time and have the time of your life”. — Tom Waits

Who is General Failure and why is he reading my hard disk?

How can you come out of a closet if you never went in there in the first place?

I live in my own little world, but it’s ok they know me here.

Leftists are among the first to speak of their rights.

Abel Tasman on discovering Tasmania, “Too far south for spices and too close to the rim of the earth to be inhabited by anything but freaks and monsters”

Heck is where people go who don’t believe in gosh.

I thought I wanted a career, turns out I just wanted paychecks.

I don’t suffer from stress. I’m a carrier.

TEAMWORK... means never having to take all the blame yourself.

A clean tie attracts the soup of the day.

I took an IQ test and the results were negative.

Never underestimate the power of very stupid people in large groups.

Despite the cost of living it’s still very popular.

“The generation of random numbers is too important to be left to chance.” — Robert R. Coveyou, Oak Ridge National Laboratory.

Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.

Someday we’ll look back on all this and plow into the back of a parked car.

Vote for the man who promises least; he’ll be the least disappointing.

I often quote myself; it adds spice to my conversation.

If you can’t convince them, confuse them.

I have the body of a GOD – Buddha.

I used to think I was indecisive, but now I’m not sure.

We spend the first twelve months of our children’s lives teaching them to walk and talk and the next twelve telling them to sit down and shut up.

Don’t take life too seriously—you’ll never get out of it alive.

A backwards poet writes inverse.

I’m not dumb; I just have a command of thoroughly useless information.

Man shoots neighbour with machete [The Miami Herald, July 3]

Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.

In the beginning, God created earth and rested. Then God created man and rested. Then God created woman. Since then, neither God nor man has rested.

Time flies like an arrow – fruit flies like a banana.

Before marriage, a man yearns for the woman he loves. After marriage, the ‘Y’ becomes silent.

Save the whales. Collect the whole set.

Hypochondria is the only disease I haven’t got.

There are very few personal problems that cannot be solved through a suitable application of high explosives.

In a Rome laundry: Ladies, leave your clothes here and spend the afternoon having a good time.

“Inconceivable!” “I do not think that word means what you think it means.”

I wished the buck stopped here, as I could use a few.

We must believe in free will, we have no choice.

Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?

I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.

“They say hard work never hurt anybody, but I figure why take the chance.” – Ronald Reagan

If you try and don’t succeed, cheat. Repeat until caught. Then lie.

I don’t enjoy computer jokes; not one bit.

Not all men are annoying. Some are dead.

If you don’t learn to laugh at troubles, you won’t have anything to laugh at when you grow old.

This guy walks into a bar and the barman says “Ouch, that must have hurt”

Man does not live by words alone, despite the fact that sometimes he has to eat them.

If you choke a smurf, what colour does it turn?

The fellow who thinks he knows it all is especially annoying to those of us who do.

A day without sun shine is like, you know, night.

Character is what you are in the dark.

“Every mighty oak was once just a nut who stood his ground.”

You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say will be misquoted then used against you.

A penny saved is a Congressional spending oversight.

Keyboard not detected. Press F1 to continue

My life has a superb cast but I can’t figure out the plot.

If at first you don’t succeed, try management.

Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?

I don’t have a solution but I admire the problem.

Time is God’s way of keeping everything from happening at once.

Someone sent me a postcard picture of the earth. On the back it said, “Wish you were here.”

There are two kinds of people, those who finish what they start, and so on.

Insanity is hereditary; you can get it from your children.

“The best thing about the future is that it comes only one day at a time.” – Abraham Lincoln

Honk if you love peace and quiet.

Having more money doesn’t make you happier. I have 50 million dollars but I’m just as happy as when I had 48 million. ~ Arnold Schwarzenegger.

Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol.

Doctor, Doctor I keep getting pains in the eye when I drink coffee. Have you tried taking the spoon out?

What do you call a dinosaur with an extensive vocabulary? A thesaurus.

Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

Don’t use a big word where a diminutive one will suffice.

Any ship can be a minesweeper... once.

From the moment I picked your book up until I laid it down I was convulsed with laughter. Some day I intend reading it.

Love is like an hourglass, with the heart filling up as the brain empties.

My mind works like lightning. One brilliant flash and it is gone.

111,111,111 x 111,111,111 = 12,345,678,987,654,321

Money is flat and meant to be piled up. – Scottish Proverb

Maybe I’m lucky to be going so slowly, because I may be going in the wrong direction.

If the world should blow itself up, the last audible voice would be that of an expert saying it can’t be done.

To succeed in politics, it is often necessary to rise above your principles.

A guy got arrested for playing the guitar. He was fingering a minor.

“He has been given a large brain by mistake, since for him the spinal cord would fully suffice.” — Albert Einstein

If olive oil comes from olives, where does baby oil come from?

One day I will get this peer guy and reset his connection.

I used up all my sick days, so I’m calling in dead.

Honest criticism is hard to take, particularly from a relative, a friend, an acquaintance, or a stranger.

I don’t want to achieve immortality through my work. I want to achieve immortality through not dying.

Instead of getting married again, I’m going to find a woman I don’t like and just give her a house.—Rod Stewart

If trees could scream, would we be so cavalier about cutting them down? We might, if they screamed all the time, for no good reason.

Moderation in all things, including moderation.

Jokes about German sausage are the wurst.

Those who can laugh without cause have either found the true meaning of happiness or have gone stark raving mad.

It’s hard to face the problem, when the problem is your face.

Never put off until tomorrow what you can avoid altogether.

I want to die peacefully in my sleep like my grandfather, not screaming in abject horror like his passengers.

Take my advice, I don’t use it anyway.

In the office of a Roman doctor: Specialist in women and other diseases.

In elementary school, in case of fire, you have to line up quietly in a single file line from smallest to tallest. What is the logic? Do tall people burn slower?

A poor excuse is like an old bucket; doesn’t matter what shape it is in, as long as it holds water.

A bird does not sing because it has an answer—it sings because it has a song.

Connection Reset By Aboriginal With Wire Cutters

How do you get an Irishman to burn his ear? Ring him up while he is ironing.

We waste time, so you don’t have to.

Tip the world over on its side and everything loose will land in Los Angeles.

I’m in no shape to exercise.

Everybody is ignorant, only on different subjects.

Snowmen fall from Heaven unassembled.

In this world, nothing is certain but death and taxes. – Benjamin Franklin

Tell me what you need, and I’ll tell you how to get along without it.

“I’ve been on a calendar but I have never been on time” – Marilyn Monroe

There is nothing so annoying as to have two people go right on talking when you’re interrupting.

Broken pencils are pointless.

There are 3 kinds of people: those who can count and those who can’t.

Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian any more than going to the garage makes you a car.

Santa’s helpers are subordinate clauses.

A team effort is a lot of people doing what I say

I love cats – they taste just like chicken.

We are going on a field trip to the Coca-Cola factory. I hope there are no pop quizzes.

Even paranoids have real enemies.

If you’re not confused, you’re not paying attention.

Legend: a lie that has attained the dignity of age.

Streakers beware: Your end is in sight.

Whenever people agree with me, I always feel I must be wrong.

My parents stayed together for forty years, but that was out of spite.

A bargain is something you don’t need at a price you can’t resist.

We have two ends. One for sitting and one for thinking. Our success depends on which one we use most.

Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying of nothing.

I know a guy who is addicted to brake fluid. He says he can stop anytime.

There’s a fine line between genius and insanity. I have erased this line.

I’ve always wanted to be normal, but lately I’ve come to suspect that this is it.

Raising teenagers is like trying to nail Jell-O to a tree.

Military intelligence is a contradiction in terms.

I am a nobody, nobody is perfect, therefore I’m perfect.

A cartoonist was found dead in his home. Details are sketchy.

The only difference between Genius and Insanity... is success.

If it weren’t for the last minute, nothing would ever get done.

What sane person could live in this world and not be crazy?

Macho Law prohibits me from admitting I’m wrong.

Smith & Wesson — the original point and click interface.

The trouble with the rat race is that even if you win, you’re still a rat.

He does the work of three men: Larry, Moe and Curly.

If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?

On the keyboard of life, always keep one finger on the escape key.

If people concentrated on the really important things in life, there’d be a shortage of fishing poles.

If life was fair, Elvis would be alive and all the impersonators would be dead.

It has recently been discovered that research causes cancer in rats.

My mind not only wanders, sometimes it leaves completely.

“How can a president not be an actor?” – when asked “How could an actor become president?” – Ronald Reagan

Solitude is fine, but you need someone to tell you that solitude is fine.

Anywhere is walking distance, if you’ve got the time.

Humour. It is a difficult concept. It is not logical.

Marathon runners with bad footwear suffer the agony of defeat.

Illiterate? Write For Help.

Plan to be spontaneous tomorrow.

One martini is all right, two is too many, and three is not enough.

The dictionary is the only place where success comes before work.

It is not my interest to pay the principal, nor my principal to pay the interest.

Statistics are like bikinis – What they reveal is suggestive, but what they conceal is vital.

“My computer NEVER loc

You can’t have everything. Where would you put it?

Always do sober what you said you’d do drunk. That will teach you to keep your mouth shut.

If you’re born again, do you have two bellybuttons?

Age is a very high price to pay for maturity.

Last night I lay in bed looking up at the stars in the sky and I thought to myself, “Where the heck is the ceiling?”

After all is said and done, more is said than done.

You look like a million dollars. All green and wrinkled.

My one regret in life is that I am not someone else.

A printer consists of three main parts: the case, the jammed paper tray and the blinking red light

The human brain is a wonderful thing. It starts working the moment you are born, and never stops until you stand up to speak in public.

The trouble with our times is that the future is not what it used to be.

Years ago fairy tales began with “Once upon a time...” Now it’s “If I am elected...”

There are 10 types of people in the world: Those who understand binary, and those who don’t.

Lord, if you won’t make me skinny, please make all my friends fat.

Oh, don’t fuss. I just cut myself. It’s no big deal,” REALLY MEANS, “I have actually severed a limb, but will bleed to death before I admit I’m hurt.”

A dog that attends a flea circus most likely will steal the whole show.

Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?

“How come we choose from just two people to run for president and 50 for Miss America?”

System Error - Windows Loaded

The dumber people think you are, the more surprised they’re going to be when you kill them—Rodney Dangerfield

If you think nobody cares if you’re alive, try missing a couple of car payments.

I have spent my whole life looking for the perfect woman, and now I’ve found her. Too bad she’s looking for the perfect man.

Haunted French pancakes give me the crêpes.

I don’t approve of political jokes... I’ve seen too many of them get elected.

Climbers aim for the summit because it is there. Bungi jumpers dive off the top because they aren’t all there.

It is even harder for the average ape to believe that he has descended from man.

Only a fool is astonished by the foolishness of humankind.

Work expands to fill the time available. — PARKINSON’S LAW

“You start coding. I’ll go find out what they want.” — Computer analyst to programmer

The light at the end of the tunnel has been turned off due to budget cuts.

I heard a man say that brigands demand your money or your life, whereas women require both.

The chance of a piece of bread falling with the buttered side down is directly proportional to the cost of the carpet.

Remember the teakettle; though up to its neck in hot water, it continues to sing.

If a man opens a car door for a woman, either the car is new or the woman.

“Einstein argued that there must be simplified explanations of nature, because God is not capricious or arbitrary. No such faith comforts the software engineer.” — Fred Brooks.

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