Amusing Quotes & One-Liners — Ned Martin’s Amused

Amusing Quotes & One-Liners

The second day of a diet is alway easier than the first. By the second day, you’re off it.

Legend: a lie that has attained the dignity of age.

The best computer is a man, and it’s the only one that can be mass-produced by unskilled labour.

It is well to remember the entire population of the universe, with one trifling exception, is composed of others.

Democracy is a process by which people are free to choose the man who will get the blame.

So Many Pedestrians – So Little Time.

If a woman has to choose between catching a fly ball and saving an infant’s life, she will choose to save the infant’s life without even considering if there is a man on base.—Dave Barry

“My wife made me join a bridge club. I jump off next Tuesday” — Rodney Dangerfield

When your IQ reaches 80 –– sell.

When in doubt, mumble.

Proofread carefully to see if you any words out.

God must love stupid people, he made so many.

“When in doubt tell the truth.”—Mark Twain

On the plus side, death is one of the few things that can be done just as easily as lying down.

“#define QUESTION ((bb) || !(bb))” — Shakespeare

Get even – live long enough to be a problem to your kids.

Women like silent men. They think they’re listening.

It’s not hard to meet expenses, they’re everywhere.

Democracy is a government where you can say what you think even if you don’t think.

I take everything I can for my kleptomania.

If you can’t dazzle them with brilliance... just baffle them with bullsh*t.

We waste time, so you don’t have to.

Experience is simply the name we give our mistakes.

I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.

If olive oil comes from olives, where does baby oil come from?

My reality check just bounced.

The sooner you fall behind the more time you’ll have to catch up.

It is hard to understand how a cemetery raised its burial charges and blamed it on the cost of living.

My favorite mythical creature? The honest politician.

If automobiles had followed the same development cycle as the computer, a Rolls Royce would today cost $100, get a million miles per gallon, and explode once a year, killing everyone inside.

I’ve always wanted to be normal, but lately I’ve come to suspect that this is it.

You have the right to your opinions. I just don’t want to hear them.

I stayed up all night to see where the sun went. Then it dawned on me.

“War does not determine who is right - only who is left.” – Bertrand Russell

That which cannot be taken apart will fall apart.

Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.

I have spent my whole life looking for the perfect woman, and now I’ve found her. Too bad she’s looking for the perfect man.

Constipated People Don’t Give A Crap.

There are two kinds of people, those who finish what they start, and so on.

Confidence is the feeling you have before you understand the situation.

Two strings walk into a bar. The first string says to the bartender, “Bartender, I’ll have a beer. u.5n$x5t?*&4ru!2[sACCErJ”. The second string says, “Pardon my friend, he isn’t NULL terminated”.

Anyone can admit they were wrong; the true test is admitting it to someone else.

Why does Sea World have a seafood restaurant? I’m halfway through my fish burger and I realize, Oh my gosh... I could be eating a slow learner.

Accept that some days you’re the pigeon, and some days you’re the statue.

The early bird gets the worm, but the early worm gets eaten.

The number of people watching you is directly proportional to the stupidity of your action.

I don’t suffer from stress. I’m a carrier.

You’ll never get to heaven if you’re scared of getting high.

“How come we choose from just two people to run for president and 50 for Miss America?”

Santa’s helpers are subordinate clauses.

The difference between a stepping-stone and a stumbling block can be when you see it.

I am free of all prejudices. I hate everyone equally.

Impotence: Nature’s Way Of Saying “No Hard Feelings”.

Half of the people in the world are below average.

“Few things are harder to put up with than a good example.”—Mark Twain

Does your train of thought have a caboose?

Stupidity is not a handicap! Park somewhere else!

If a President doesn’t do it to his wife, he’ll do it to his country.

My life has a superb cast but I can’t figure out the plot.

Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?

A bird in the hand is safer than one overhead.

Never put both feet in your mouth at the same time, because then you don’t have a leg to stand on.

He who smiles in a crisis has found someone to blame.

A drop of ink may make a million think.

Being in the army is like being in the Boy Scouts, except that the Boy Scouts have adult supervision.

There are 3 kinds of people: those who can count and those who can’t.

Early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.

Cheerfulness is contagious, but don’t wait to catch it from others. Be a carrier.

The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.

Friends may come and go, but enemies accumulate

It’s important to be open-minded, but not SO open-minded that your brains fall out.

For people who like peace and quiet – a phoneless cord.

Don’t Be Sexist – Broads Hate That.

I intend to live forever – so far, so good.

IRS: We’ve got what it takes to take what you’ve got.

“On two occasions I have been asked [by members of Parliament!]: ‘Pray, Mr. Babbage, if you put into the machine wrong figures, will the right answers come out ?’ I am not able rightly to apprehend the kind of confusion of ideas that could provoke such a question.” — Charles Babbage.

Men have a much better time of it than women; for one thing, they marry later; for another thing they die earlier.

I don’t have a solution but I admire the problem.

A clean tie attracts the soup of the day.

Anything not nailed down is mine. Anything I can pry loose is not nailed down.

In a Norwegian cocktail lounge: Ladies are requested not to have children in the bar.

When I was a boy I was told that anybody could become president; I’m beginning to believe it.

Confidence is the feeling you have before you understand the situation

Anything’s possible... apart from skiing through a revolving door.

If ever I get married again it would have to be under an anaesthetic.

A procrastinator’s work is never done.

Red Tape Holds Up New Bridge!

Any task worth doing was worth doing yesterday.

You can say any foolish thing to a dog, and the dog will give you a look that says, “My God, you’re right! I never would’ve thought of that!”

e=mc^2 where m = the number of cooks required to spoil the broth

Borrow money from pessimists- they don’t expect to get it back.

You’re not drunk if you can lie on the floor without holding on.

Progress was all right. Only it went on too long.

We Quit Voting Will They All Go Away?

Only a fool is astonished by the foolishness of humankind.

“Reading computer manuals without the hardware is as frustrating as reading sex manuals without the software.” — Arthur C. Clarke.

Everybody is somebody else’s weirdo.

TEAMWORK... means never having to take all the blame yourself.

Warning: Dates in Calendar are closer than they appear.

Laughing stock: cattle with a sense of humour.

I live in my own little world, but it’s ok they know me here.

I spilled spot remover on my dog. Now he’s gone.

Advertisement for donkey rides in Thailand: Would you like to ride on your own ass?

Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy.

It doesn’t matter what temperature the room is; it’s always room temperature.

Honest criticism is hard to take, particularly from a relative, a friend, an acquaintance, or a stranger.

The beatings will continue until morale improves.

Marriage is a three-ring circus: engagement ring, wedding ring, and suffering.

“Things are more like they are now than they ever were before.” – Former U.S. President Dwight D. Eisenhower

A conclusion is simply the place where you got tired of thinking.

Someday we’ll look back on all this and plow into the back of a parked car.

Before you give a colleague a piece of your mind, be sure you can spare it.

Half of being smart is knowing what you are dumb at.

I don’t believe in astrology. I am a Sagittarius and we’re very skeptical. ~ Arthur C. Clarke

An egotist is a person of low taste—more interested in himself than in me.

Honk if you love peace and quiet.

The more time you spend in reporting on what you are doing, the less time you have to do it in. Stability is achieved when you spend all your time doing nothing but reporting on the nothing you are doing.

A diplomatic husband said to his wife, how do you expect me to remember your birthday when you never look any older?

I have a simple philosophy. Fill what’s empty. Empty what’s full. Scratch where it itches.

“If carrots are so good for the eyes, how come I see so many dead rabbits on the highway?”

Sex on television can’t hurt you unless you fall off.

I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol.

Promises are like babies: fun to make, but hell to deliver.

The art of flying is to throw yourself at the ground and miss.

Marathon runners with bad footwear suffer the agony of defeat.

I envy people who drink – at least they know what to blame everything on.

Arguing on the Internet is like competing in the Special Olympics – even if you win, you are still retarded.

It is wiser to find out than to suppose.—Mark Twain

Even paranoids have real enemies.

Succeed in spite of management. Aim Low; Reach Your Goals, Avoid Disappointment.

A synonym is a word you use when you can’t spell the word you first thought of.

How do you get an Irishman to burn his ear? Ring him up while he is ironing.

Time’s fun when you’re having flies... Kermit the Frog

“I’ve noticed that everyone who is for abortion has already been born.” – Ronald Reagan

“There are two major products that come out of Berkeley: LSD and UNIX. We don’t believe this to be a coincidence.” — Jeremy S. Anderson

Well, if I called the wrong number, why did you answer the phone?

Haunted French pancakes give me the crêpes.

Why don’t you ever see the headline “Psychic Wins Lottery”?

I love work; it fascinates me; I can sit and watch it for hours.

“You, you and you: panic. The rest of you, come with me.”

“Are you going to come quietly, or do I have to use earplugs?”—Vale Spike Milligan

To succeed in politics, it is often necessary to rise above your principles.

Smoking cures weight problems...eventually...

If we learn by our mistakes, some of us are getting one hell of an education!

Remember half the people you know are below average.

If you want a committed man, look in a mental hospital.

“Hey, I’ve got reasons for what I’m doing,” REALLY MEANS, “I sure hope I think of some pretty soon.”

The trouble with the rat race is that even if you win, you’re still a rat.

They say you only use ten percent of your brain. What about the other ten?

“The generation of random numbers is too important to be left to chance.” — Robert R. Coveyou, Oak Ridge National Laboratory.

Love is like an hourglass, with the heart filling up as the brain empties.

If it’s 0 degrees today and it’s going to be twice as cold tomorrow... how cold will it be?

I’m an idealist: I don’t know where I’m going, but I’m on my way.

“There are only two things that are infinite: the universe and human stupidity. And I’m not sure about the universe.” A. Einstein

Plan to be spontaneous tomorrow.

Energizer Bunny arrested: Charged with battery.

I hope that after I die, people will say of me: “That guy sure owed me a lot of money.”

Before marriage, a man yearns for the woman he loves. After marriage, the ‘Y’ becomes silent.

What’s the definition of a will? (It’s a dead giveaway).

Seen it all, done it all, can’t remember most of it.

I love cats – they taste just like chicken.

Seeing a murder on television...will help work off one’s antagonisms. And if you haven’t any antagonisms, the commercials will give you some.

Maybe I’m lucky to be going so slowly, because I may be going in the wrong direction.

When you come to a fork in the road, take it.

Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying of nothing.

Sometimes I wake up grumpy; other times I let her sleep

If you don’t know where you are going, you might wind up someplace else.

Just remember... if the world didn’t suck, we’d all fall off.

There are two types of people in this world, good and bad. The good sleep better, but the bad seem to enjoy the waking hours much more.

Smith & Wesson — the original point and click interface.

Military intelligence is a contradiction in terms.

Never go to a doctor whose office plants have died.

“I wish everyone was peaceful. Then I could take over the planet with a butter knife”—Dogbert

If at first you do succeed, try to hide your astonishment.

I used to be apathetic, but now I don’t give a damn.

I can please only one person per day. Today is not your day. Tomorrow isn’t looking good either.

Time is a great teacher, but unfortunately it kills all its pupils.

In this world, nothing is certain but death and taxes. – Benjamin Franklin

Programmer – A red-eyed, mumbling mammal capable of conversing with inanimate objects.

If people concentrated on the really important things in life, there’d be a shortage of fishing poles.

It’s not that I’m afraid to die; I just don’t want to be there when it happens.

I majored in liberal arts. Will that be for here or to go?

I started out with nothing, and I still have most of it.

On a tombstone: I TOLD YOU I WAS SICK

If you want your spouse to listen and pay strict attention to every word you say, talk in your sleep.

It is hard enough to remember my opinions, without also remembering my reasons for them!

I was at a bar nursing a beer. My nipple was getting quite soggy.

I didn’t like my beard at first. Then it grew on me.

When angry count four, when very angry, swear.

As a final incentive before giving up a difficult task, try to imagine it successfully accomplished by someone you violently dislike.

The man who fell into an upholstery machine is fully recovered.

“Always be sincere, even when you don’t mean it”. — Irene Peter

Someone sent me a postcard picture of the earth. On the back it said, “Wish you were here.”

“I’ve been on a calendar but I have never been on time” – Marilyn Monroe

I think, therefore I am single.

I married my wife for her looks... but not the ones she’s been giving me lately!

Best way to get a man to do something, is to suggest they are too old for it.

I was the next door kid’s imaginary friend.

111,111,111 x 111,111,111 = 12,345,678,987,654,321

This mind intentionally left blank

It is a small world, but I wouldn’t like to have to paint it.

Caution – Driver Legally Blonde!

Restarting System - Mouse Moved

“I have never let my schooling interfere with my education.”—Mark Twain

One martini is all right, two is too many, and three is not enough.

On the other hand you have different fingers.

The doctor can bury his mistakes but an architect can only advise his client to plant vines.

A pessimist is a man who has been compelled to live with an optimist

I either want less corruption, or more chance to participate in it.

You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.

It’s just a job. Grass grows, birds fly, waves pound the sand. I just beat people up. – Muhammad Ali

The truth is a precious commodity. That’s why I use it so sparingly.

Solitude is fine, but you need someone to tell you that solitude is fine.

Everything is possible; just not too probable.

Whenever I feel like exercise, I lie down until the feeling passes.

Shin: a device for finding furniture in the dark.

If a man opens a car door for a woman, either the car is new or the woman.

Stupidity is not a handicap. Park elsewhere!

Where you stand depends on where you sit.

Jack and Jill did it for the insurance.

“My computer NEVER loc

A hangover is the wrath of grapes.

Blessed are the young, for they shall inherit the national debt.

Love is blind, but marriage is a real eye-opener.

Cab drivers are living proof that practice does not make perfect.

Never put off until tomorrow what you can avoid altogether.

To B or not to B? *kills the B* I HATE BEES!!!! – LynxofCP

“You have to be careful about being too careful” – Beryl Pfizer

The world is full of willing people; some willing to work, the rest willing to let them.

Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way when you criticize them, you are a mile away from them and you have their shoes.

What hair color do they put on the driver’s licenses of bald men?

If I’d known I was going to live this long, I’d have taken better care of myself.

Perhaps you’re diagonally parked in a parallel universe?

Am I getting smart with you? How would you know?

I changed my iPod’s name to Titanic. It’s syncing now.

Did you hear about the cross-eyed teacher who lost her job because she couldn’t control her pupils?

A team effort is a lot of people doing what I say

What happens if you get scared half to death twice?

Where there’s a will, I want to be in it.

A baby sitter is a teenager acting like an adult while the adults are out acting like teenagers.

Mental Floss prevents Moral Decay.

“Your mouse has moved. Windows must be restarted for the change to take effect. Reboot now ? [OK]”

I took a speed reading course and read ‘War and Peace’ in twenty minutes. It involves Russia. Enough women for four.

Laugh and the world laughs with you; snore and you sleep alone.

Men don’t care what’s on TV. They only care what else is on TV.

I used to be a banker, but then I lost interest.

How do you know if a fish is Irish? It has drowned.

A conscience does not prevent sin. It only prevents you from enjoying it.

“He has been given a large brain by mistake, since for him the spinal cord would fully suffice.” — Albert Einstein

Cheer up, the worst is yet to come.

A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a train stops. On my desk I have a workstation...

If all you have is a hammer, everything looks like a nail.

Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

I did a theatrical performance about puns. It was a play on words.

Somewhere on this globe, every ten seconds, is a woman giving birth to a child. She must be found and stopped.

99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.

Why is it that to stop Windows, you have to click on “Start”?

Doctor, Doctor You’ve got to help me – I just can’t stop my hands shaking. Do you drink a lot? Not really – I spill most of it!

Sheep don’t fly so much as plummet.

I wished the buck stopped here, as I could use a few.

Always try to be modest and be proud of it!

Ever stop to think and forget to start again?

Roses are red, Violets are blue. In Soviet Russia, Poems write you.

Laugh at your problems; everybody else does.

I majored in liberal arts. Will that be for here or to go?

Why do we wash bath towels, aren’t we clean when we use them?

Some people say that I must be a horrible person, but that’s not true. I have the heart of a young boy – in a jar on my desk.

Show me a piano falling down a mineshaft and I’ll show you A-flat minor.

If it weren’t for electricity we’d all be watching television by candlelight?

Get a new car for your spouse – it’ll be a great trade!

If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?

I have kleptomania, but when it gets bad, I take something for it. ~ Robert Benchle

Pick your friends but not to pieces.

Heck is where people go who don’t believe in gosh.

Modesty is a virtue of fools.

When he first ran for office, he appealed to the voters: “I never stole anything in my life. All I ask is a chance.”

In a Tokyo shop: Our nylons cost more than common, but you’ll find they are best in the long run.

Be kind to your dentist. He has fillings, too.

I had some words with my wife, and she had some paragraphs with me.

“I would like to live in Manchester, England. The transition between Manchester and death would be unnoticeable”. — Mark Twain

I’m desperately trying to figure out why kamikaze pilots wore helmets.

It is not what a teenager knows that bothers his parents. It is how he found out.

Connection Reset By Aboriginal With Wire Cutters

Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.

Needing someone is like needing a parachute. If he isn’t there the first time you need him, chances are you won’t be needing him again.

I’m in no shape to exercise.

To define recursion, we must first define recursion.

Any ship can be a minesweeper... once.

I generally avoid temptation unless I can’t resist it.

I don’t enjoy computer jokes; not one bit.

I’m not dumb; I just have a command of thoroughly useless information.

I thought I made a mistake once, but I was wrong.

Artificial Intelligence is no match for Natural Stupidity.

Remember, half the people you know are below average.

I had amnesia once or twice.

Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.

After all is said and done, more is said than done.

Moderation in all things, including moderation.

Everybody is ignorant, only on different subjects.

What sane person could live in this world and not be crazy?

A backwards poet writes inverse.

Madness takes its toll. Please have exact change.

Fundamentalism: Believe in a kind, loving God or we’ll kill you!

If it weren’t for the last minute, nothing would ever get done.

Just because your head is the biggest doesn’t mean it contains the right ideas.

Never argue with an idiot. They drag you down to their level then beat you with experience.

The short fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.

Nothing means nothing, but it isn’t really nothing because nothing is something that isn’t.

A soldier who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran.

Pardon my driving, I am reloading.

Some people are alive only because it’s illegal to kill them.

Go the extra mile. It makes your boss look like an incompetent slacker.

Bacteria: the only culture some people have.

Brain: an apparatus with which we think we think.

Be careful when reading health books; you may die of a misprint.

In the beginning, there was nothing. Then God said, “Let there be light,” and there was still nothing, but you could see it.

I’m an apathetic sociopath – I’d kill you if I cared.

Why is the man that invests your money called a broker?

When in trouble, fear or doubt, run in circles, scream and shout.

Sheep don’t fly so much as plummet.

“This ‘telephone’ has too many shortcomings to be seriously considered as a means of communication.” — Western Union internal memo, 1876.

I stayed up all night to see where the sun went. Then it dawned on me.

I don’t have an attitude problem. You have a perception problem.

What do you call a dinosaur with an extensive vocabulary? A thesaurus.

It is even harder for the average ape to believe that he has descended from man.

I haven’t spoken to my wife for 18 months: I don’t like to interrupt her.

Birthdays are good for you. Statistics show that the people who have the most live the longest.

Life is far too important to be taken seriously.

“I could tell that my parents hated me. My bath toys were a toaster and a radio” — Rodney Dangerfield

Climbers aim for the summit because it is there. Bungi jumpers dive off the top because they aren’t all there.

Men’s faults are many, women have only two. Everything they say, and everything they do.

Men occasionally stumble over the truth, but most of them pick themselves up and hurry off as if nothing had happened. – Winston Churchill

Eat a live toad first thing in the morning, and nothing worse can happen to you the rest of the day.

Honesty is the best policy, but insanity is a better defence.

If sex is such a natural phenomenon, how come there are so many books on how to do it.

If we aren’t supposed to eat animals, why are they made of meat?

I have had more trouble with myself than with any other man I’ve met.

Comedy is tragedy plus time.

Be thankful for problems. If they were less difficult, someone with less ability might have your job.

An egotist has one point in his favour – he doesn’t go round talking about other people.

We’ve made great medical progress in the last generation. What used to be merely an itch is now an allergy.

If at first you don’t succeed, destroy all the evidence that you tried.

I dropped out of communism class because of lousy Marx.

Don’t take life too seriously—you’ll never get out of it alive.

Booze is the answer. I don’t remember the question.

What’s another word for Thesaurus?

“Life is a waste of time, time is a waste of life, so get wasted all of the time and have the time of your life”. — Tom Waits

A person who smiles in the face of adversity... probably has a scapegoat.

Every time I look at you I get a fierce desire to be lonesome.

My mind works like lightning. One brilliant flash and it is gone.

I tried to photograph the fog, but I mist.

To find out a girl’s faults, praise her to her girl friends.

There are 10 types of people in the world: Those who understand binary, and those who don’t.

I can resist everything except temptation.

He who trains his tongue to quote the learned sages, will be known far and wide as a smart ass.

I’d give my right arm to be ambidextrous.

An Irish man was driving to the airport when he saw a sign saying ‘Airport – Left’... So he went home.

Cleverly Disguised As A Responsible Adult.

Tips for Vegetarians: Hit a chicken enough times and it turns into a vegetable.

Man shoots neighbour with machete [The Miami Herald, July 3]

Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.

Youth would be an ideal state if it came a little later in life.

If trees could scream, would we be so cavalier about cutting them down? We might, if they screamed all the time, for no good reason.

People don’t grow up; they just learn how to act in public.

My girlfriend told me I should be more affectionate. So I got two more girlfriends.

If a job is worth doing well get someone else to do it.

“How can a president not be an actor?” – when asked “How could an actor become president?” – Ronald Reagan

Nick Overruled - Democratic Majority Decision

Success always occurs in private, and failure in full public view.

I used to think I was indecisive, but now I’m not sure.

Murphy’s Golden Rule: Whoever has the gold makes the rules.

I am amazed at radio DJ’s today. I am firmly convinced that AM on my radio stands for Absolute Moron. I will not begin to tell you what FM stands for.

Blessed are those who can laugh at themselves, they will never cease to be amused.

I have great faith in fools; my friends call it self-confidence.

Sometimes I think the surest sign that intelligent life exists elsewhere in the universe is that none of it has tried to contact us.

How did Moses make his tea? Hebrews it.

The only reason some people get lost in thought is because it’s unfamiliar territory.

England has no kidney bank, but it does have a Liverpool.

“When you starve with a tiger, the tiger starves last”. — Griffin’s Thought

Latest survey shows that 3 out of 4 people make up 75% of the world’s population.

I’d like to see things your way, but I’m looking in another direction.

The trouble with our times is that the future is not what it used to be.

When I was young, I could remember anything. Whether it happened or not.

“Everyday I beat my own previous record for number of consecutive days I’ve stayed alive.”

I wonder how much deeper would the ocean be without sponges.

Remember the teakettle; though up to its neck in hot water, it continues to sing.

Hypochondria is the only disease I haven’t got.

If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?

Optimists believe we live on the greatest world. Pessimists believe this is true.

Foolproof systems don’t take into account the ingenuity of fools.

Make sure your mind isn’t so open that your brains fall out.

I heard a man say that brigands demand your money or your life, whereas women require both.

My husband and I divorced over religious differences... He thought he was God and I didn’t.

I’m out of my mind, but feel free to leave a message.

There is no such thing as an underestimate of average intelligence

Lord, if you won’t make me skinny, please make all my friends fat.

He’s so lazy. I’ve seen him step into a revolving door and wait.

Everything you like is bad for you in some way.

“I’d rather have a bottle in front of me, than a frontal lobotomy”. — Tom Waits

Hope sees the invisible, feels the intangible and achieves the impossible.

“Blink your eyelids periodically to lubricate your eyes.” — Page 16 of the HP “Environmental, Health Safety Handbook for Employees”.

People with narrow minds usually have broad tongues.

If you can stay calm, while all around you is chaos... then you probably haven’t completely understood the situation.

A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat.

Horn broken. Watch for finger. (on bumper sticker)

Velcro — what a rip off!

“If women didn’t exist, all the money in the world would have no meaning.” – Aristotle Onassis

Anyone who told you to be yourself couldn’t have given you worse advice.

I work hard because millions on welfare depend on me.

Man who drive like hell bound to get there.

Early to rise, early to bed, makes a man healthy but socially dead.

Time is God’s way of keeping everything from happening at once.

It’s not true that married men live longer than single men. It only seems longer.

If it’s true that we are here to help others, then what exactly are the others here for?

Hemp is a herb. Bush is a dope.

Insanity is hereditary; you can get it from your children.

Doctor, Doctor I keep getting pains in the eye when I drink coffee. Have you tried taking the spoon out?

Work: It isn’t just for sleeping anymore.

The only difference between Genius and Insanity... is success.

A bachelor is a man who comes to work from a different direction each morning.

Acupuncture is a jab well done.

I used to be a Kleptomaniac, But now I’m taking something for it

When you are arguing with an idiot, make sure the other person isn’t doing the same thing.

“I have left orders to be awakened at any time in case of national emergency – even if I’m in a Cabinet meeting.” – Ronald Reagan

Venison for dinner again? Oh deer!

“You start coding. I’ll go find out what they want.” — Computer analyst to programmer

My husband says I never listen to him (at least I think that’s what he said)

Experience is something you do not get until just after you need it.

Everyone hates me because I’m paranoid.

Keyboard not detected. Press F1 to continue

The illegal we do immediately. The unconstitutional takes a little longer. – Henry Kissinger

“C++ : Where friends have access to your private members.” — Gavin Russell Baker.

Eschew obfuscation.

Character is what you are in the dark.

No sense being pessimistic, it probably wouldn’t work anyway.

I don’t suffer from stress. I’m a carrier.

Snowmen fall from Heaven unassembled.

When life hands you a lemon, make lemonade.

An Apple a day keeps the doctor away. But... an onion a day keeps everyone away.

Being single is like a vacuum. It sucks when you are turned on.

Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7th of your life.

Age is a very high price to pay for maturity.

People who think they know everything are annoying to those of us who do.

Instead of getting married again, I’m going to find a woman I don’t like and just give her a house.—Rod Stewart

Men are from earth. Women are from earth. Deal with it.

Half our life is spent trying to find something to do with the time we have rushed through life trying to save.

Even crime wouldn’t pay if the government ran it.

The amount of work to be done increases in proportion to the amount of work already completed. — VAIL’S SECOND AXIOM

If puns were outlawed, only outlaws would have puns.

Support bacteria – they’re the only culture some people have.

I often quote myself; it adds spice to my conversation.

It used to be only death and taxes were inevitable. Now, of course, there’s shipping and handling, too.

The secret of success is sincerity. Once you can fake that you’ve got it made.

If money talks, it ain’t on speakin’ terms with me.

If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?

How do you keep an Irishman busy? Write P.T.O on both sides of a piece of paper.

Years ago fairy tales began with “Once upon a time...” Now it’s “If I am elected...”

A penny saved is a Congressional spending oversight.

One should forgive one’s enemies, but not before they are hanged.

I laugh in the face of danger, except if I’m involved.

If you’re not wasted, the day is.

If everything is coming your way, you are probably in the wrong lane.

Cluster bombing from B-52s is very, very accurate – the bombs always hit the ground.

I used up all my sick days, so I’m calling in dead.

If you don’t know why I’m mad at you, then I’m certainly not going to tell you

“Always in motion the future is. Seasick it makes me. That’s why so green I am”. – Yoda

In elementary school, in case of fire, you have to line up quietly in a single file line from smallest to tallest. What is the logic? Do tall people burn slower?

Plato is dead, Einstein is dead, and I’m not feeling too good myself...

The human brain is a wonderful thing. It starts working the moment you are born, and never stops until you stand up to speak in public.

Man does not live by words alone, despite the fact that sometimes he has to eat them.

Tip the world over on its side and everything loose will land in Los Angeles.

You have to stay in shape. My grandmother, she started walking five miles a day when she was 60. She’s 97 today and we don’t know where the hell she is.

If quizzes are quizzical, what are tests?

You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say will be misquoted then used against you.

I Haven’t Lost My Mind, It’s Backed Up On Disk Somewhere.

Don’t use a big word where a diminutive one will suffice.

Applying computer technology is simply finding the right wrench to pound in the correct screw.

Originality is the fine art of remembering what you hear, but forgetting where you heard it.

Anywhere is walking distance, if you’ve got the time.

Bigamy is having one wife too many. Monogamy is the same. – Oscar Wilde

Why is it called tourist season if we can’t shoot at them?

I’m reading a book about anti-gravity. I can’t put it down.

PMS jokes aren’t funny. Period.

As long as there are tests, there will be prayer in public schools.

Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian any more than going to the garage makes you a car.

You can always spot a well-informed man – his views are the same as yours.

Without question, the greatest invention in the history of mankind is beer. Oh, I grant you that the wheel was also a fine invention, but the wheel does not go nearly as well with pizza.

Be nice to your kids. They’ll choose your nursing home.

Outside of a dog, a book is probably man’s best friend, and inside of a dog, it’s too dark to read.

Man who run behind car get exhausted.

I love being married. It’s so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.

I wondered why the baseball was getting bigger. Then it hit me.

Bacteria: the only culture some people have.

I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.

Some people are going to leave a mark on this world, while others will leave a stain.

Democracy is the recurrent suspicion that more than half of the people are right more than half of the time.

Whenever people agree with me, I always feel I must be wrong.

History will be kind to me for I intend to write it. – Winston Churchill

Anything not nailed down is a cat toy.

Jokes about German sausage are the wurst.

If I were someone who knew something, who could I tell that would believe me?

Authority makes some people grow – and others just swell.

“A girl phoned me the other day and said... Come on over, there’s nobody home. I went over. Nobody was home” — Rodney Dangerfield

It is a fitting irony that under Richard Nixon, ‘launder’ became a dirty word.

The dictionary is the only place where success comes before work.

A bird does not sing because it has an answer—it sings because it has a song.

I like kids, but I don’t think I could eat a whole one.

Not all men are annoying. Some are dead.

Knowledge is the key, but where is the damn lock?

In a Rome laundry: Ladies, leave your clothes here and spend the afternoon having a good time.

Compromise: the art of dividing a cake so that everybody believes he or she got the biggest piece.

Technology is a way of organizing the universe so that man doesn’t have to experience it.

From the moment I picked your book up until I laid it down I was convulsed with laughter. Some day I intend reading it.

“There is no reason anyone would want a computer in their home.” — Ken Olson, founder of Digital Equipment Corp., 1977.

A guy got arrested for playing the guitar. He was fingering a minor.

I don’t approve of political jokes... I’ve seen too many of them get elected.

Eagles may soar, but weasels don’t get sucked into jet engines.

“I think there is a world market for maybe five computers.” — Thomas Watson, chairman of IBM, 1943.

Better to remain silent and be thought a fool, than to speak and remove all doubt.

If you’re not confused, you’re not paying attention.

Age is a question of mind over matter. If you don’t mind, it don’t matter.

Illiterate? Write For Help.

Some people are alive only because it’s illegal to kill them.

What do you call a dinosaur with an extensive vocabulary? A thesaurus.

System Error - Windows Loaded

“Banking establishments are more dangerous than standing armies”. — Thomas Jefferson

In a Copenhagen airline ticket office: We take your bags and send them in all directions.

Chaos, panic, & disorder – my work here is done.

“Thinking is the hardest work there is, which is probably why so few engage in it”. — Henry Ford

Nobody can be exactly like me. Even I have trouble doing it.

If you can’t beat your computer at chess, try kickboxing.

I thought I wanted a career, turns out I just wanted paychecks.

Always remember you’re unique, just like everyone else.

We spend the first twelve months of our children’s lives teaching them to walk and talk and the next twelve telling them to sit down and shut up.

My schoolmates would make love to anything that moved, but I never saw any reason to limit myself.

For Sale: Parachute. Only used once, never opened, small stain.

Mind like a steel trap – rusty and illegal in most states.

In a Budapest zoo: Please do not feed the animals. If you have any suitable food, give it to the guard on duty.

Why were the Indians here first? They had reservations.

Money is flat and meant to be piled up. – Scottish Proverb

Who is General Failure and why is he reading my hard disk?

Why is the third hand on the watch called a second hand?

“The object of war is not to die for your country but to make the other bastard die for his.” – General George Patton

Age is an issue of mind over matter. If you don’t mind, it doesn’t matter.

If at first you don’t succeed, skydiving is not your sport.

Humour. It is a difficult concept. It is not logical.

“Every mighty oak was once just a nut who stood his ground.”

If con is the opposite of pro, congress is the opposite of progress.

I’m sorry; you cannot have an outlook on life because it isn’t responding. Microsoft apologises for any inconvenience.

Hard work never killed anybody but why take the chance?

If vegetable oil comes from vegetables, where does baby oil come from?

When Chemists die, they barium.

I love deadlines. I especially like the whooshing sound they make as they go flying by.

In the office of a Roman doctor: Specialist in women and other diseases.

The sooner you fall behind the more time you’ll have to catch up.

Man who eat many prunes get good run for money.

How do I set a laser printer to stun?

Bachelors know more about women than married men; if they didn’t they’d be married too.

According to recent study someone is run over by a car every 5 minutes in the city. You’d think the guy would have enough sense to get out of the street.

Life is complex: it has real and imaginary parts.

“As a matter of fact” is an expression that precedes many an expression that isn’t.

Having more money doesn’t make you happier. I have 50 million dollars but I’m just as happy as when I had 48 million. ~ Arnold Schwarzenegger.

“The web is a dominatrix. Every where I turn, I see little buttons ordering me to Submit.” — Nytwind.

Some pain is physical, and some is mental, but one that’s both is dental.

In democracy it’s your vote that counts. In feudalism it’s your count that votes.

One good thing about repeating your mistakes is that you know when to cringe.

Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don’t.

Every morning is the dawn of a new error.

“Inconceivable!” “I do not think that word means what you think it means.”

Jokes about German sausage are the wurst.

Next time you wave, use all your fingers.

What does a clock do when it’s hungry? It goes back four seconds.

If I have to work for an idiot, I might as well work for myself.

This guy walks into a bar and the barman says “Ouch, that must have hurt”

If you can’t convince them, confuse them.

Save the whales. Collect the whole set.

Anger is only one letter away from danger.

An army of deer led by a lion is more to be feared than an army of lions led by a deer.

Despite the cost of living it’s still very popular.

Genius is 1% inspiration, and 99% perspiration.

Time sneaks up on you like a windshield on a bug.

Don’t look back. Something may be gaining on you.

There are two kinds of people, those who finish what they start, and so on.

If you think nobody cares if you’re alive, try missing a couple of car payments.

The things that come to those that wait may be the things left by those who got there first.

Vote for the man who promises least; he’ll be the least disappointing.

He’s not dead, he’s electroencephalographically challenged.

Brilliant, but with the social skills of a thermonuclear device.

Eagles may soar, but weasels don’t get sucked into jet engines.

I got a job at a bakery because I kneaded dough.

Ours is a world where people don’t know what they want and are willing to go through hell to get it.

Five out of four people have trouble with fractions.

I couldn’t repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.

Two signs from a Majorcan shop entrance: English well speaking / Here speeching American.

Wine divulges truth.

A study in the Washington Post says that women have better verbal skills than men. I just want to say to the authors of that study: “Duh.”— Conan O’Brien

The dumber people think you are, the more surprised they’re going to be when you kill them—Rodney Dangerfield

When a clock is hungry, it goes back four seconds.

I installed a skylight in my apartment. The people who live above me are furious.

We have two ends. One for sitting and one for thinking. Our success depends on which one we use most.

My mind not only wanders, sometimes it leaves completely.

I am a nobody, nobody is perfect, therefore I’m perfect.

I don’t meet competition. I crush it

Slow is when someone laps you in the hundred-yard dash

Never buy a car you can’t push.

AIBOHPHOBIA – the fear of palindromes.

Well if this is the wrong number, why did you answer it?

Man who run in front of car get tired.

You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They left a little note on the windscreen, it said ‘Parking Fine.’

Life... I don’t get it...

I think that’s how Chicago got started. A bunch of people in New York said, “Gee, I’m enjoying the crime and the poverty, but it just isn’t cold enough. Let’s go west.”—Richard Jeni

“I am not worried about the deficit. It is big enough to take care of itself.” – Ronald Reagan

The light at the end of the tunnel has been turned off due to budget cuts.

Once, during prohibition, I was forced to live for days on nothing but food and water.

Is Disney World the only people trap operated by a mouse?

The earthquake in Washington obviously was the government’s fault.

Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?

Ninety-nine per cent of the people in the world are fools and the rest of us are in great danger of contagion.

A great many people think they are thinking when they are merely rearranging their prejudices.

It’s bad luck to be superstitious.

Don’t use a big word where a diminutive one will suffice.

Don’t talk unless you can improve the silence.

Marriage changes passion... suddenly you’re in bed with a relative.

All men are equal. Some are just more equal than others.

We are going on a field trip to the Coca-Cola factory. I hope there are no pop quizzes.

All my life, I always wanted to be somebody. Now I see that I should have been more specific.

I always wanted to be somebody, but I should have been more specific.

There are three ways to get something done: do it yourself, hire someone, or forbid your kids to do it.

I Refuse To Have A Battle Of Wits With An Unarmed Person.

It has recently been discovered that research causes cancer in rats.

Raising teenagers is like trying to nail Jell-O to a tree.

I have the body of a GOD – Buddha.

Lots of people know a good thing the minute the other fellow sees it first.

Consciousness: that annoying time between naps.

I fear my inferiority complex is not as good as yours.

I don’t want to achieve immortality through my work. I want to achieve immortality through not dying.

Where do you find an Irish woodworm? Dead inside a brick.

If we don’t succeed, we run the risk of failure.

If at first you don’t succeed, try management.

Streakers beware: Your end is in sight.

If Bill Gates had a nickel for every time Windows crashed... oh wait, he does.

You’re such an inspiration for the way I’ll never choose to be.

I have gone to look for myself, if I should return before I get back, keep me here.

I’m not into working out. My philosophy: No pain, no pain.

I hate women because they always know where things are.

What Has Four Legs And An Arm? A Happy Pit Bull.

Macho Law prohibits me from admitting I’m wrong.

“Heavier-than-air flying machines are impossible.” — Lord Kelvin, president, Royal Society, 1895.

Is there life before death?

Youth is a wonderful thing. What a crime to waste it on children.

How do you sink an Irish Submarine? Knock on the hatch.

Hang in there; retirement is only thirty years away.

There are very few personal problems that cannot be solved through a suitable application of high explosives.

If you’re born again, do you have two bellybuttons?

They say if you play a Microsoft CD backwards you hear satanic messages. That’s nothing, if you play it forwards it installs Windows.

A dog that attends a flea circus most likely will steal the whole show.

I think animal testing is a terrible idea; they get all nervous and give the wrong answers.

What if there were no hypothetical questions?

“You can always count on Americans to do the right thing—after they’ve tried everything else” – Winston Churchill

Everybody is ignorant, only on different subjects.

One good turn gets most of the blankets.

Don’t be irreplaceable; if you cannot be replaced, you cannot be promoted.

There’s a fine line between genius and insanity. I have erased this line.

If At First You Don’t Succeed... Blame Someone Else And Seek Counseling.

I have noticed that the people who are late are often so much jollier that the people who have to wait for them.

The scientific theory I like best is that the rings of Saturn are composed entirely of lost airline luggage.

People can be divided into three groups: Those who make things happen, those who watch things happen, and those who wonder what happened.

Good judgement comes from experience. Experience comes from bad judgement.

I used to find him boring until I stopped listening.

He does the work of three men: Larry, Moe and Curly.

I used to think I was indecisive, but now I’m not sure.

As the light changed from red to green to yellow and back to red again, I sat there thinking about life. Was it nothing more than a bunch of honking and yelling? Sometimes it seemed that way.

If you don’t learn to laugh at troubles, you won’t have anything to laugh at when you grow old.

Procrastinate Now!

If you can’t be kind, at least have the decency to be vague.

My one regret in life is that I am not someone else.

One of the greatest labour-saving inventions today is tomorrow.

Conscience is the inner voice warning us that someone may be looking.

You can’t have everything. Where would you put it?

I’m not afraid of heights, only widths.

They told me I had type A blood, but it was a Type O

There is nothing so annoying as to have two people go right on talking when you’re interrupting.

Leftists are among the first to speak of their rights.

If you don’t know where you are going, you will wind up somewhere else.

Of course, we are all worms—but I like to think, at least, that I am a glow-worm. – Winston Churchill

“Einstein argued that there must be simplified explanations of nature, because God is not capricious or arbitrary. No such faith comforts the software engineer.” — Fred Brooks.

I arise in the morning torn between a desire to improve the world and a desire to enjoy the world. This makes it hard to plan the day.

I am obviously right, and as you disagree with me, then logically you must be wrong.

“Auntie Em: hate you, hate Kansas, taking the dog.” – Dorothy

The chance of a piece of bread falling with the buttered side down is directly proportional to the cost of the carpet.

Statistics are like bikinis – What they reveal is suggestive, but what they conceal is vital.

Politicians are people who, when they see the light at the end of the tunnel, go out and buy more tunnel.

Living is not worth dying for.

If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?

There’s a difference between being open-minded and having a hole in your head

I guess traffic in the city is improving a little. Yesterday, I drove clear across town and only had to shave twice.

I took an IQ test and the results were negative.

I like to start my periods with sentences.

It’s easy to quit smoking... I’ve done it over 10,000 times.

Tell me what you need, and I’ll tell you how to get along without it.

Prediction is extremely difficult. Especially about the future.

System Error - Windows Loaded

“A patriot must always be ready to defend his country against his government”. — Edward Abbey

Chipped dishes never break.

Connection Reset - Insufficient Electrons

Everybody lies, but it doesn’t matter since nobody listens.

Always do sober what you said you’d do drunk. That will teach you to keep your mouth shut.

“Then he ran into my knife. He ran into my knife ten times.” – Chicago

I get enough exercise just pushing my luck.

“People who drink light beer don’t like the taste of beer; they just like to pee a lot” — Rodney Dangerfield

Gossip: The art of saying nothing while leaving nothing unsaid.

Quantum: Noun, word used to sound like I know what I’m talking about while discussing physics I’ve never actually studied.

The day I can’t do my job drunk is the day I turn in my badge and gun.

My parents stayed together for forty years, but that was out of spite.

“The best thing about the future is that it comes only one day at a time.” – Abraham Lincoln

If life was fair, Elvis would be alive and all the impersonators would be dead.

Errors have been made. Others will be blamed.


When you do not know what you are doing, do it neatly.

If you try and don’t succeed, cheat. Repeat until caught. Then lie.

It is said that if you line up all the cars in the world end to end, someone would be stupid enough to try and pass them.

There’s a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot.

If you don’t pay your exorcist you get repossessed.

“Managing senior programmers is like herding cats” — Dave Platt.

Most vegetarians look so much like the food they eat that they can be classified as cannibals.

“Reader, suppose you were an idiot. And suppose you were a member of Congress. But I repeat myself”. — Mark Twain

If at first you don’t succeed, try, try again. Then quit. There’s no use being a damned fool about it.

Marriage is not a word; it is a sentence.

Alcohol: the cause of, and solution to, all of life’s problems.

A committee is a body that keeps minutes and wastes hours.

Time flies like an arrow – fruit flies like a banana.

Plagiarism saves time.

Anything that can become tangled around something else, will.

When all other means of communication fail, try words.

He who laughs last thinks slowest.

Last night I lay in bed looking up at the stars in the sky and I thought to myself, “Where the heck is the ceiling?”

This girl said she recognized me from the vegetarian club, but I’d never met herbivore

I am not a vegetarian because I love animals; I am a vegetarian because I hate plants.

Abel Tasman on discovering Tasmania, “Too far south for spices and too close to the rim of the earth to be inhabited by anything but freaks and monsters”

At the age of six I wanted to be a cook. At seven I wanted to be Napoleon. And my ambition has been growing steadily ever since.

Cole’s Law: Thinly sliced cabbage.

How can you come out of a closet if you never went in there in the first place?

Why is it that doctors call what they do “practice”?

If someone with multiple personalities threatens suicide... is it considered a hostage situation?

Does this smell like chloroform to you?

I don’t necessarily agree with everything I say.

The shortest distance between two points is under construction.

Everybody has a photographic memory. Some don’t have film.

Allow me to introduce my selves.

Don’t stop to stomp on ants when the elephants are stampeding.

Money can’t buy happiness, but it sure makes misery easier to live with.

I married Miss Right. I just didn’t know her first name was Always.

Lead us not into temptation. Just tell us where it is; we’ll find it.

There are only three kinds of people; people who can count and people who can’t.

“They say hard work never hurt anybody, but I figure why take the chance.” – Ronald Reagan

I want to die peacefully in my sleep like my grandfather, not screaming in abject horror like his passengers.

Work expands to fill the time available. — PARKINSON’S LAW

The trouble with life is there’s no background music.

This comment is printed on 100% recycled electrons.

A dyslexic man walks into a bra.

A printer consists of three main parts: the case, the jammed paper tray and the blinking red light

This Would Be Really Funny If It Weren’t Happening To Me.

By the time a man realises that his father was right, he has a son who thinks he’s wrong.

Computers make it easy to do a lot of things, but most of the things that make it easier to do don’t need to be done.

Well, this day was a total waste of makeup.

Englishmen never will be slaves: they are free to do whatever the Government and public opinion allow them to do.

Age always corresponds inversely to the size of your multivitamin.

The most precious thing we have is life. Yet it has absolutely no trade-in value.

If the world should blow itself up, the last audible voice would be that of an expert saying it can’t be done.

How Many Roads Must A Man Travel Down Before He Admits He Is Lost?

All the toilets in New York’s police stations have been stolen. The police have nothing to go on.

The trouble with jogging is that, by the time you realise you’re not in shape for it, it’s far too far to walk back.

Money is better than poverty, if only for financial reasons.

At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be “What is hell?” Come early and listen to our choir practice.

On the keyboard of life, always keep one finger on the escape key.

If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?

Mines are equal opportunity weapons.

“Oh dear,” said God, “I hadn’t thought of that,” and promptly vanished in a puff of logic.

Outside a Hong Kong tailor shop: Ladies may have a fit upstairs.

Shin: a device for finding furniture in the dark.

Just because you’re not paranoid doesn’t mean they’re not out to get you.

Quantum mechanics: The dreams stuff is made of.

The most powerful force in the universe is gossip.

I plead contemporary insanity.

Killed - Personality Incompatibility

To err is human – and to blame it on a computer is even more so.

I spent most of my money on booze, drugs and women... The rest I wasted!

The fellow who thinks he knows it all is especially annoying to those of us who do.

Partying... oops No Only Parting... sorry

You look like a million dollars. All green and wrinkled.

Under capitalism, man exploits man. Under Communism, it’s just the opposite.

A poor excuse is like an old bucket; doesn’t matter what shape it is in, as long as it holds water.

A day without sun shine is like, you know, night.

Being a philosopher, I have a problem for every solution.

A bargain is something you don’t need at a price you can’t resist.

If I were two-faced, would I be wearing this one?

“This report, by its very length, defends itself against the risk of being read”. — Winston Churchill

Never underestimate the power of very stupid people in large groups.

I tried sniffing Coke once, but the ice cubes got stuck in my nose.

“I worked in a pet shop and people kept asking how big I’d get” — Rodney Dangerfield

Take my advice, I don’t use it anyway.

How do you spot an Irishman at a carwash? He’s the one on the bike.

I’m quite easy to get along with, once you learn to beckon at my every call and yield to all my desires.

The only perfect science is hindsight.

If you do not make dust, you eat dust.

Oh, don’t fuss. I just cut myself. It’s no big deal,” REALLY MEANS, “I have actually severed a limb, but will bleed to death before I admit I’m hurt.”

If the human brain were so simple that we could understand it, we would be so simple we couldn’t.

No problem is so big and complicated that it can’t be ran away from.

If you can’t convince them, confuse them.

In the beginning, God created earth and rested. Then God created man and rested. Then God created woman. Since then, neither God nor man has rested.

When I’m not in my right mind, my left mind gets pretty crowded

The surprising thing about young fools is how many survive to become old fools.

Whenever there is any doubt, there is no doubt.

When you get a bladder infection, urine trouble.

I always wanted to be a procrastinator, never got around to it though.

“If builders built buildings the way programmers write programs, then the first woodpecker that came along would destroy civilization” — Weinberg’s Second Law.

It’s hard to face the problem, when the problem is your face.

Bachelors have consciences, married men have wives.

I’ve been trying for some time to develop a life style that doesn’t require my presence.

Help Wanted: Telepath. You know where to apply.

Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?

If you choke a smurf, what colour does it turn?

I know a guy who is addicted to brake fluid. He says he can stop anytime.

I’d explain it to you, but your brain would explode.

Broken pencils are pointless.

Everyone needs belief in something. I believe I’ll have another beer.

It is not my interest to pay the principal, nor my principal to pay the interest.

Those who can laugh without cause have either found the true meaning of happiness or have gone stark raving mad.

One day I will get this peer guy and reset his connection.

“I believe in equality for everyone, except reporters and photographers”. — Gandhi

Don’t marry for money. You can borrow it cheaper.

Make three correct guesses consecutively and you will establish yourself as an expert.

I don’t like people who take drugs... Customs Officers for example.

Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

All those who believe in psycho kinesis raise my hand.

A cartoonist was found dead in his home. Details are sketchy.

It’s strange, isn’t it. You stand in the middle of a library and go aaaaagghhhh’ and everyone just stares at you. But you do the same thing on an aeroplane, and everyone joins in.

Remember... Marriage is the number one cause of divorce. Statistically, 100% of all divorces started with marriage.

We must believe in free will, we have no choice.

Isn’t having a smoking section in a restaurant like having a peeing section in a swimming pool?

He often broke into song because he couldn’t find the key.

If the French were really intelligent, they’d speak English.

I like children. Properly cooked.

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