Amusing Quotes & One-Liners — Ned Martin’s Amused

Amusing Quotes & One-Liners

I married my wife for her looks... but not the ones she’s been giving me lately!

“People who drink light beer don’t like the taste of beer; they just like to pee a lot” — Rodney Dangerfield

My husband says I never listen to him (at least I think that’s what he said)

Warning: Dates in Calendar are closer than they appear.

If it’s 0 degrees today and it’s going to be twice as cold tomorrow... how cold will it be?

The dictionary is the only place where success comes before work.

When all other means of communication fail, try words.

Always remember you’re unique, just like everyone else.

The more time you spend in reporting on what you are doing, the less time you have to do it in. Stability is achieved when you spend all your time doing nothing but reporting on the nothing you are doing.

If at first you do succeed, try to hide your astonishment.

What do you call a dinosaur with an extensive vocabulary? A thesaurus.

Lead us not into temptation. Just tell us where it is; we’ll find it.

The difference between a stepping-stone and a stumbling block can be when you see it.

Chipped dishes never break.

Honesty is the best policy, but insanity is a better defence.

When he first ran for office, he appealed to the voters: “I never stole anything in my life. All I ask is a chance.”

Am I getting smart with you? How would you know?

If everything is coming your way, you are probably in the wrong lane.

When angry count four, when very angry, swear.

Don’t talk unless you can improve the silence.

I am free of all prejudices. I hate everyone equally.

“How can a president not be an actor?” – when asked “How could an actor become president?” – Ronald Reagan

Always do sober what you said you’d do drunk. That will teach you to keep your mouth shut.

PMS jokes aren’t funny. Period.

England has no kidney bank, but it does have a Liverpool.

Two signs from a Majorcan shop entrance: English well speaking / Here speeching American.

I couldn’t repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.

Fundamentalism: Believe in a kind, loving God or we’ll kill you!

To err is human – and to blame it on a computer is even more so.

By the time a man realises that his father was right, he has a son who thinks he’s wrong.

Time is God’s way of keeping everything from happening at once.

Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

“I worked in a pet shop and people kept asking how big I’d get” — Rodney Dangerfield

I spilled spot remover on my dog. Now he’s gone.

How can you come out of a closet if you never went in there in the first place?

Women like silent men. They think they’re listening.

“Always in motion the future is. Seasick it makes me. That’s why so green I am”. – Yoda

“I think there is a world market for maybe five computers.” — Thomas Watson, chairman of IBM, 1943.

If at first you don’t succeed, try, try again. Then quit. There’s no use being a damned fool about it.

When your IQ reaches 80 –– sell.

Even paranoids have real enemies.

Optimists believe we live on the greatest world. Pessimists believe this is true.

The only difference between Genius and Insanity... is success.

“You can always count on Americans to do the right thing—after they’ve tried everything else” – Winston Churchill

Smoking cures weight problems...eventually...

If you’re not confused, you’re not paying attention.

Hard work never killed anybody but why take the chance?

Accept that some days you’re the pigeon, and some days you’re the statue.

Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian any more than going to the garage makes you a car.

There are two kinds of people, those who finish what they start, and so on.

It’s not hard to meet expenses, they’re everywhere.

You’re not drunk if you can lie on the floor without holding on.

A clean tie attracts the soup of the day.

Jokes about German sausage are the wurst.

It is even harder for the average ape to believe that he has descended from man.

This Would Be Really Funny If It Weren’t Happening To Me.

The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.

Authority makes some people grow – and others just swell.

Half of the people in the world are below average.

In a Budapest zoo: Please do not feed the animals. If you have any suitable food, give it to the guard on duty.

My schoolmates would make love to anything that moved, but I never saw any reason to limit myself.

This girl said she recognized me from the vegetarian club, but I’d never met herbivore

I love being married. It’s so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.

Velcro — what a rip off!

I think animal testing is a terrible idea; they get all nervous and give the wrong answers.

Man does not live by words alone, despite the fact that sometimes he has to eat them.

Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying of nothing.

There is nothing so annoying as to have two people go right on talking when you’re interrupting.

When life hands you a lemon, make lemonade.

What does a clock do when it’s hungry? It goes back four seconds.

If you want a committed man, look in a mental hospital.

It is not what a teenager knows that bothers his parents. It is how he found out.

You have the right to your opinions. I just don’t want to hear them.

It is wiser to find out than to suppose.—Mark Twain

Age is an issue of mind over matter. If you don’t mind, it doesn’t matter.

I generally avoid temptation unless I can’t resist it.

A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a train stops. On my desk I have a workstation...

Make three correct guesses consecutively and you will establish yourself as an expert.

What’s another word for Thesaurus?

Where there’s a will, I want to be in it.

Maybe I’m lucky to be going so slowly, because I may be going in the wrong direction.

“I’ve been on a calendar but I have never been on time” – Marilyn Monroe

I arise in the morning torn between a desire to improve the world and a desire to enjoy the world. This makes it hard to plan the day.

TEAMWORK... means never having to take all the blame yourself.

He does the work of three men: Larry, Moe and Curly.

If we aren’t supposed to eat animals, why are they made of meat?

It’s bad luck to be superstitious.

Somewhere on this globe, every ten seconds, is a woman giving birth to a child. She must be found and stopped.

I can please only one person per day. Today is not your day. Tomorrow isn’t looking good either.

Laugh and the world laughs with you; snore and you sleep alone.

Why does Sea World have a seafood restaurant? I’m halfway through my fish burger and I realize, Oh my gosh... I could be eating a slow learner.

“Hey, I’ve got reasons for what I’m doing,” REALLY MEANS, “I sure hope I think of some pretty soon.”

Never argue with an idiot. They drag you down to their level then beat you with experience.

Sometimes I think the surest sign that intelligent life exists elsewhere in the universe is that none of it has tried to contact us.

I love cats – they taste just like chicken.

I changed my iPod’s name to Titanic. It’s syncing now.

Before you give a colleague a piece of your mind, be sure you can spare it.

If you can’t be kind, at least have the decency to be vague.

If you try and don’t succeed, cheat. Repeat until caught. Then lie.

A person who smiles in the face of adversity... probably has a scapegoat.

Life is far too important to be taken seriously.

Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.

Politicians are people who, when they see the light at the end of the tunnel, go out and buy more tunnel.

I Haven’t Lost My Mind, It’s Backed Up On Disk Somewhere.

Democracy is a process by which people are free to choose the man who will get the blame.

“Reading computer manuals without the hardware is as frustrating as reading sex manuals without the software.” — Arthur C. Clarke.

The sooner you fall behind the more time you’ll have to catch up.

Success always occurs in private, and failure in full public view.

Work expands to fill the time available. — PARKINSON’S LAW

Time flies like an arrow – fruit flies like a banana.

I’m in no shape to exercise.

The fellow who thinks he knows it all is especially annoying to those of us who do.

If you can’t convince them, confuse them.

How do you keep an Irishman busy? Write P.T.O on both sides of a piece of paper.

It is a small world, but I wouldn’t like to have to paint it.

They say you only use ten percent of your brain. What about the other ten?

A diplomatic husband said to his wife, how do you expect me to remember your birthday when you never look any older?

If it’s true that we are here to help others, then what exactly are the others here for?

I don’t approve of political jokes... I’ve seen too many of them get elected.

I have gone to look for myself, if I should return before I get back, keep me here.

Anyone can admit they were wrong; the true test is admitting it to someone else.

Insanity is hereditary; you can get it from your children.

Man who drive like hell bound to get there.

Sex on television can’t hurt you unless you fall off.

Support bacteria – they’re the only culture some people have.

Military intelligence is a contradiction in terms.

I used up all my sick days, so I’m calling in dead.

He who trains his tongue to quote the learned sages, will be known far and wide as a smart ass.

Blessed are those who can laugh at themselves, they will never cease to be amused.

Take my advice, I don’t use it anyway.

We’ve made great medical progress in the last generation. What used to be merely an itch is now an allergy.

“Are you going to come quietly, or do I have to use earplugs?”—Vale Spike Milligan

Men don’t care what’s on TV. They only care what else is on TV.

Why is it called tourist season if we can’t shoot at them?

I either want less corruption, or more chance to participate in it.

“I believe in equality for everyone, except reporters and photographers”. — Gandhi

Hypochondria is the only disease I haven’t got.

Everybody is ignorant, only on different subjects.

Don’t Be Sexist – Broads Hate That.

Conscience is the inner voice warning us that someone may be looking.

History will be kind to me for I intend to write it. – Winston Churchill

Eagles may soar, but weasels don’t get sucked into jet engines.

If a job is worth doing well get someone else to do it.

You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.

Some people are alive only because it’s illegal to kill them.

If a woman has to choose between catching a fly ball and saving an infant’s life, she will choose to save the infant’s life without even considering if there is a man on base.—Dave Barry

An egotist has one point in his favour – he doesn’t go round talking about other people.

To B or not to B? *kills the B* I HATE BEES!!!! – LynxofCP

We waste time, so you don’t have to.

A soldier who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran.

The only reason some people get lost in thought is because it’s unfamiliar territory.

I used to be apathetic, but now I don’t give a damn.

I was the next door kid’s imaginary friend.

Progress was all right. Only it went on too long.

I am amazed at radio DJ’s today. I am firmly convinced that AM on my radio stands for Absolute Moron. I will not begin to tell you what FM stands for.

Always try to be modest and be proud of it!

Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?

The secret of success is sincerity. Once you can fake that you’ve got it made.

Stupidity is not a handicap. Park elsewhere!

You look like a million dollars. All green and wrinkled.

Confidence is the feeling you have before you understand the situation

I’m desperately trying to figure out why kamikaze pilots wore helmets.

Partying... oops No Only Parting... sorry

Outside of a dog, a book is probably man’s best friend, and inside of a dog, it’s too dark to read.

Having more money doesn’t make you happier. I have 50 million dollars but I’m just as happy as when I had 48 million. ~ Arnold Schwarzenegger.

Age is a very high price to pay for maturity.

Time’s fun when you’re having flies... Kermit the Frog

I Refuse To Have A Battle Of Wits With An Unarmed Person.

A backwards poet writes inverse.

Time sneaks up on you like a windshield on a bug.

“As a matter of fact” is an expression that precedes many an expression that isn’t.

System Error - Windows Loaded

People who think they know everything are annoying to those of us who do.

AIBOHPHOBIA – the fear of palindromes.

“There are two major products that come out of Berkeley: LSD and UNIX. We don’t believe this to be a coincidence.” — Jeremy S. Anderson

I had some words with my wife, and she had some paragraphs with me.

The most powerful force in the universe is gossip.

The surprising thing about young fools is how many survive to become old fools.

You’ll never get to heaven if you’re scared of getting high.

Shin: a device for finding furniture in the dark.

It’s not that I’m afraid to die; I just don’t want to be there when it happens.

It’s hard to face the problem, when the problem is your face.

One good turn gets most of the blankets.

A bird does not sing because it has an answer—it sings because it has a song.

Be thankful for problems. If they were less difficult, someone with less ability might have your job.

According to recent study someone is run over by a car every 5 minutes in the city. You’d think the guy would have enough sense to get out of the street.

There is no such thing as an underestimate of average intelligence

I wonder how much deeper would the ocean be without sponges.

If you don’t know where you are going, you might wind up someplace else.

People with narrow minds usually have broad tongues.

Two strings walk into a bar. The first string says to the bartender, “Bartender, I’ll have a beer. u.5n$x5t?*&4ru!2[sACCErJ”. The second string says, “Pardon my friend, he isn’t NULL terminated”.

On the other hand you have different fingers.

Latest survey shows that 3 out of 4 people make up 75% of the world’s population.

Never put both feet in your mouth at the same time, because then you don’t have a leg to stand on.

A synonym is a word you use when you can’t spell the word you first thought of.

They say if you play a Microsoft CD backwards you hear satanic messages. That’s nothing, if you play it forwards it installs Windows.

If we learn by our mistakes, some of us are getting one hell of an education!

If you want your spouse to listen and pay strict attention to every word you say, talk in your sleep.

A drop of ink may make a million think.

At the age of six I wanted to be a cook. At seven I wanted to be Napoleon. And my ambition has been growing steadily ever since.

That which cannot be taken apart will fall apart.

Why is it that to stop Windows, you have to click on “Start”?

Bigamy is having one wife too many. Monogamy is the same. – Oscar Wilde

Blessed are the young, for they shall inherit the national debt.

Work: It isn’t just for sleeping anymore.

Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.

Not all men are annoying. Some are dead.

Anywhere is walking distance, if you’ve got the time.

Abel Tasman on discovering Tasmania, “Too far south for spices and too close to the rim of the earth to be inhabited by anything but freaks and monsters”

If vegetable oil comes from vegetables, where does baby oil come from?

If at first you don’t succeed, try management.

“On two occasions I have been asked [by members of Parliament!]: ‘Pray, Mr. Babbage, if you put into the machine wrong figures, will the right answers come out ?’ I am not able rightly to apprehend the kind of confusion of ideas that could provoke such a question.” — Charles Babbage.

I fear my inferiority complex is not as good as yours.

I used to be a banker, but then I lost interest.

In a Copenhagen airline ticket office: We take your bags and send them in all directions.

Quantum: Noun, word used to sound like I know what I’m talking about while discussing physics I’ve never actually studied.

It’s strange, isn’t it. You stand in the middle of a library and go aaaaagghhhh’ and everyone just stares at you. But you do the same thing on an aeroplane, and everyone joins in.

“Always be sincere, even when you don’t mean it”. — Irene Peter

What hair color do they put on the driver’s licenses of bald men?

Lots of people know a good thing the minute the other fellow sees it first.

Every morning is the dawn of a new error.

An army of deer led by a lion is more to be feared than an army of lions led by a deer.

I tried to photograph the fog, but I mist.

“Everyday I beat my own previous record for number of consecutive days I’ve stayed alive.”

I wished the buck stopped here, as I could use a few.

Being a philosopher, I have a problem for every solution.

Englishmen never will be slaves: they are free to do whatever the Government and public opinion allow them to do.

If you can’t convince them, confuse them.

Someday we’ll look back on all this and plow into the back of a parked car.

Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

“This ‘telephone’ has too many shortcomings to be seriously considered as a means of communication.” — Western Union internal memo, 1876.

There’s a difference between being open-minded and having a hole in your head

Impotence: Nature’s Way Of Saying “No Hard Feelings”.

I am a nobody, nobody is perfect, therefore I’m perfect.

The sooner you fall behind the more time you’ll have to catch up.

If all you have is a hammer, everything looks like a nail.

“I would like to live in Manchester, England. The transition between Manchester and death would be unnoticeable”. — Mark Twain

It is hard enough to remember my opinions, without also remembering my reasons for them!

On the keyboard of life, always keep one finger on the escape key.

I think, therefore I am single.

“The generation of random numbers is too important to be left to chance.” — Robert R. Coveyou, Oak Ridge National Laboratory.

I’m an idealist: I don’t know where I’m going, but I’m on my way.

The beatings will continue until morale improves.

He who laughs last thinks slowest.

Mind like a steel trap – rusty and illegal in most states.

It is said that if you line up all the cars in the world end to end, someone would be stupid enough to try and pass them.

If you don’t learn to laugh at troubles, you won’t have anything to laugh at when you grow old.

I got a job at a bakery because I kneaded dough.

Stupidity is not a handicap! Park somewhere else!

Living is not worth dying for.

Raising teenagers is like trying to nail Jell-O to a tree.

“Then he ran into my knife. He ran into my knife ten times.” – Chicago

I’m sorry; you cannot have an outlook on life because it isn’t responding. Microsoft apologises for any inconvenience.

If you’re not wasted, the day is.

I’m not afraid of heights, only widths.

The number of people watching you is directly proportional to the stupidity of your action.

I live in my own little world, but it’s ok they know me here.

Everything is possible; just not too probable.

There are very few personal problems that cannot be solved through a suitable application of high explosives.

“If women didn’t exist, all the money in the world would have no meaning.” – Aristotle Onassis

Confidence is the feeling you have before you understand the situation.

The trouble with life is there’s no background music.

I hate women because they always know where things are.

Last night I lay in bed looking up at the stars in the sky and I thought to myself, “Where the heck is the ceiling?”

I have had more trouble with myself than with any other man I’ve met.

Help Wanted: Telepath. You know where to apply.

Just because your head is the biggest doesn’t mean it contains the right ideas.

There are three ways to get something done: do it yourself, hire someone, or forbid your kids to do it.

Don’t take life too seriously—you’ll never get out of it alive.

What if there were no hypothetical questions?

“War does not determine who is right - only who is left.” – Bertrand Russell

I tried sniffing Coke once, but the ice cubes got stuck in my nose.

I don’t suffer from stress. I’m a carrier.

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“A patriot must always be ready to defend his country against his government”. — Edward Abbey

I installed a skylight in my apartment. The people who live above me are furious.

Most vegetarians look so much like the food they eat that they can be classified as cannibals.

You have to stay in shape. My grandmother, she started walking five miles a day when she was 60. She’s 97 today and we don’t know where the hell she is.

Well, this day was a total waste of makeup.

Men occasionally stumble over the truth, but most of them pick themselves up and hurry off as if nothing had happened. – Winston Churchill

I am not a vegetarian because I love animals; I am a vegetarian because I hate plants.

Legend: a lie that has attained the dignity of age.

There’s a fine line between genius and insanity. I have erased this line.

Just remember... if the world didn’t suck, we’d all fall off.

I majored in liberal arts. Will that be for here or to go?

Honk if you love peace and quiet.

The world is full of willing people; some willing to work, the rest willing to let them.

Whenever there is any doubt, there is no doubt.

No problem is so big and complicated that it can’t be ran away from.

One martini is all right, two is too many, and three is not enough.

If you don’t pay your exorcist you get repossessed.

“If builders built buildings the way programmers write programs, then the first woodpecker that came along would destroy civilization” — Weinberg’s Second Law.

I love work; it fascinates me; I can sit and watch it for hours.

I can resist everything except temptation.

Brilliant, but with the social skills of a thermonuclear device.

I heard a man say that brigands demand your money or your life, whereas women require both.

“He has been given a large brain by mistake, since for him the spinal cord would fully suffice.” — Albert Einstein

Hope sees the invisible, feels the intangible and achieves the impossible.

There are two types of people in this world, good and bad. The good sleep better, but the bad seem to enjoy the waking hours much more.

Madness takes its toll. Please have exact change.

I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.

I like children. Properly cooked.

The man who fell into an upholstery machine is fully recovered.

Killed - Personality Incompatibility

This guy walks into a bar and the barman says “Ouch, that must have hurt”

I hope that after I die, people will say of me: “That guy sure owed me a lot of money.”

What sane person could live in this world and not be crazy?

Where you stand depends on where you sit.

How do you get an Irishman to burn his ear? Ring him up while he is ironing.

I intend to live forever – so far, so good.

Life is complex: it has real and imaginary parts.

Constipated People Don’t Give A Crap.

Ever stop to think and forget to start again?

I laugh in the face of danger, except if I’m involved.

Democracy is the recurrent suspicion that more than half of the people are right more than half of the time.

I wondered why the baseball was getting bigger. Then it hit me.

Some people are alive only because it’s illegal to kill them.

If trees could scream, would we be so cavalier about cutting them down? We might, if they screamed all the time, for no good reason.

I’m an apathetic sociopath – I’d kill you if I cared.

He who smiles in a crisis has found someone to blame.

Jokes about German sausage are the wurst.

Marathon runners with bad footwear suffer the agony of defeat.

If quizzes are quizzical, what are tests?

When you get a bladder infection, urine trouble.

Statistics are like bikinis – What they reveal is suggestive, but what they conceal is vital.

I often quote myself; it adds spice to my conversation.

Age always corresponds inversely to the size of your multivitamin.

Cleverly Disguised As A Responsible Adult.

Once, during prohibition, I was forced to live for days on nothing but food and water.

I envy people who drink – at least they know what to blame everything on.

Compromise: the art of dividing a cake so that everybody believes he or she got the biggest piece.

It is well to remember the entire population of the universe, with one trifling exception, is composed of others.

“You have to be careful about being too careful” – Beryl Pfizer

Money is better than poverty, if only for financial reasons.

Cole’s Law: Thinly sliced cabbage.

A dog that attends a flea circus most likely will steal the whole show.

Seen it all, done it all, can’t remember most of it.

Love is blind, but marriage is a real eye-opener.

If puns were outlawed, only outlaws would have puns.

How do you sink an Irish Submarine? Knock on the hatch.

Early to rise, early to bed, makes a man healthy but socially dead.

My one regret in life is that I am not someone else.

“The web is a dominatrix. Every where I turn, I see little buttons ordering me to Submit.” — Nytwind.

Sheep don’t fly so much as plummet.

Murphy’s Golden Rule: Whoever has the gold makes the rules.

The truth is a precious commodity. That’s why I use it so sparingly.

Acupuncture is a jab well done.

Sheep don’t fly so much as plummet.

If you don’t know where you are going, you will wind up somewhere else.

Man who eat many prunes get good run for money.

“#define QUESTION ((bb) || !(bb))” — Shakespeare

It used to be only death and taxes were inevitable. Now, of course, there’s shipping and handling, too.

Some people say that I must be a horrible person, but that’s not true. I have the heart of a young boy – in a jar on my desk.

Men’s faults are many, women have only two. Everything they say, and everything they do.

“Heavier-than-air flying machines are impossible.” — Lord Kelvin, president, Royal Society, 1895.

Haunted French pancakes give me the crêpes.

Tip the world over on its side and everything loose will land in Los Angeles.

Bachelors know more about women than married men; if they didn’t they’d be married too.

Macho Law prohibits me from admitting I’m wrong.

It is a fitting irony that under Richard Nixon, ‘launder’ became a dirty word.

Jack and Jill did it for the insurance.

Just because you’re not paranoid doesn’t mean they’re not out to get you.

Next time you wave, use all your fingers.

Despite the cost of living it’s still very popular.

Is there life before death?

Anything’s possible... apart from skiing through a revolving door.

The art of flying is to throw yourself at the ground and miss.

Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy.

“I’ve noticed that everyone who is for abortion has already been born.” – Ronald Reagan

111,111,111 x 111,111,111 = 12,345,678,987,654,321

Perhaps you’re diagonally parked in a parallel universe?

It doesn’t matter what temperature the room is; it’s always room temperature.

If it weren’t for the last minute, nothing would ever get done.

Seeing a murder on television...will help work off one’s antagonisms. And if you haven’t any antagonisms, the commercials will give you some.

“A girl phoned me the other day and said... Come on over, there’s nobody home. I went over. Nobody was home” — Rodney Dangerfield

In a Norwegian cocktail lounge: Ladies are requested not to have children in the bar.

Is Disney World the only people trap operated by a mouse?

Go the extra mile. It makes your boss look like an incompetent slacker.

He’s not dead, he’s electroencephalographically challenged.

“Few things are harder to put up with than a good example.”—Mark Twain

When you do not know what you are doing, do it neatly.

Laugh at your problems; everybody else does.

A dyslexic man walks into a bra.

Don’t stop to stomp on ants when the elephants are stampeding.

In the beginning, there was nothing. Then God said, “Let there be light,” and there was still nothing, but you could see it.

No sense being pessimistic, it probably wouldn’t work anyway.

Why is the man that invests your money called a broker?

Eat a live toad first thing in the morning, and nothing worse can happen to you the rest of the day.

“Life is a waste of time, time is a waste of life, so get wasted all of the time and have the time of your life”. — Tom Waits

It is not my interest to pay the principal, nor my principal to pay the interest.

“You, you and you: panic. The rest of you, come with me.”

Promises are like babies: fun to make, but hell to deliver.

Wine divulges truth.

Every time I look at you I get a fierce desire to be lonesome.

Comedy is tragedy plus time.

Solitude is fine, but you need someone to tell you that solitude is fine.

If sex is such a natural phenomenon, how come there are so many books on how to do it.

How Many Roads Must A Man Travel Down Before He Admits He Is Lost?

For people who like peace and quiet – a phoneless cord.

I always wanted to be somebody, but I should have been more specific.

This comment is printed on 100% recycled electrons.

Anything not nailed down is mine. Anything I can pry loose is not nailed down.

I married Miss Right. I just didn’t know her first name was Always.

Foolproof systems don’t take into account the ingenuity of fools.

Cab drivers are living proof that practice does not make perfect.

I don’t want to achieve immortality through my work. I want to achieve immortality through not dying.

I’m not into working out. My philosophy: No pain, no pain.

One of the greatest labour-saving inventions today is tomorrow.

The amount of work to be done increases in proportion to the amount of work already completed. — VAIL’S SECOND AXIOM

Of course, we are all worms—but I like to think, at least, that I am a glow-worm. – Winston Churchill

Succeed in spite of management. Aim Low; Reach Your Goals, Avoid Disappointment.

Gossip: The art of saying nothing while leaving nothing unsaid.

“When in doubt tell the truth.”—Mark Twain

Arguing on the Internet is like competing in the Special Olympics – even if you win, you are still retarded.

I’d like to see things your way, but I’m looking in another direction.

I’m not dumb; I just have a command of thoroughly useless information.

Marriage is a three-ring circus: engagement ring, wedding ring, and suffering.

If someone with multiple personalities threatens suicide... is it considered a hostage situation?

Hemp is a herb. Bush is a dope.

How do I set a laser printer to stun?

Eagles may soar, but weasels don’t get sucked into jet engines.

Did you hear about the cross-eyed teacher who lost her job because she couldn’t control her pupils?

He often broke into song because he couldn’t find the key.

Be nice to your kids. They’ll choose your nursing home.

Doctor, Doctor I keep getting pains in the eye when I drink coffee. Have you tried taking the spoon out?

Never underestimate the power of very stupid people in large groups.

“Managing senior programmers is like herding cats” — Dave Platt.

Streakers beware: Your end is in sight.

Brain: an apparatus with which we think we think.

A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat.

If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?

One day I will get this peer guy and reset his connection.

Where do you find an Irish woodworm? Dead inside a brick.

I work hard because millions on welfare depend on me.

He’s so lazy. I’ve seen him step into a revolving door and wait.

Humour. It is a difficult concept. It is not logical.

I get enough exercise just pushing my luck.

Remember... Marriage is the number one cause of divorce. Statistically, 100% of all divorces started with marriage.

The shortest distance between two points is under construction.

Never buy a car you can’t push.

A team effort is a lot of people doing what I say

If you can’t dazzle them with brilliance... just baffle them with bullsh*t.

Ninety-nine per cent of the people in the world are fools and the rest of us are in great danger of contagion.

If money talks, it ain’t on speakin’ terms with me.

Chaos, panic, & disorder – my work here is done.

You can always spot a well-informed man – his views are the same as yours.

Energizer Bunny arrested: Charged with battery.

I thought I wanted a career, turns out I just wanted paychecks.

Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.

“Every mighty oak was once just a nut who stood his ground.”

Laughing stock: cattle with a sense of humour.

Lord, if you won’t make me skinny, please make all my friends fat.

Broken pencils are pointless.

Everybody is somebody else’s weirdo.

Democracy is a government where you can say what you think even if you don’t think.

I’d explain it to you, but your brain would explode.

People don’t grow up; they just learn how to act in public.

If I’d known I was going to live this long, I’d have taken better care of myself.

Heck is where people go who don’t believe in gosh.

Pick your friends but not to pieces.

I take everything I can for my kleptomania.

Red Tape Holds Up New Bridge!

Borrow money from pessimists- they don’t expect to get it back.

How do you know if a fish is Irish? It has drowned.

My girlfriend told me I should be more affectionate. So I got two more girlfriends.

In the beginning, God created earth and rested. Then God created man and rested. Then God created woman. Since then, neither God nor man has rested.

I used to think I was indecisive, but now I’m not sure.

The dumber people think you are, the more surprised they’re going to be when you kill them—Rodney Dangerfield

The trouble with the rat race is that even if you win, you’re still a rat.

If the human brain were so simple that we could understand it, we would be so simple we couldn’t.

“How come we choose from just two people to run for president and 50 for Miss America?”

The scientific theory I like best is that the rings of Saturn are composed entirely of lost airline luggage.

As the light changed from red to green to yellow and back to red again, I sat there thinking about life. Was it nothing more than a bunch of honking and yelling? Sometimes it seemed that way.

Bacteria: the only culture some people have.

In elementary school, in case of fire, you have to line up quietly in a single file line from smallest to tallest. What is the logic? Do tall people burn slower?

I guess traffic in the city is improving a little. Yesterday, I drove clear across town and only had to shave twice.

“Reader, suppose you were an idiot. And suppose you were a member of Congress. But I repeat myself”. — Mark Twain

I am obviously right, and as you disagree with me, then logically you must be wrong.

“Thinking is the hardest work there is, which is probably why so few engage in it”. — Henry Ford

When you are arguing with an idiot, make sure the other person isn’t doing the same thing.

My favorite mythical creature? The honest politician.

I like kids, but I don’t think I could eat a whole one.

Character is what you are in the dark.

Proofread carefully to see if you any words out.

Modesty is a virtue of fools.

If you think nobody cares if you’re alive, try missing a couple of car payments.

Cluster bombing from B-52s is very, very accurate – the bombs always hit the ground.

Early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.

Being single is like a vacuum. It sucks when you are turned on.

Computers make it easy to do a lot of things, but most of the things that make it easier to do don’t need to be done.

I have the body of a GOD – Buddha.

I started out with nothing, and I still have most of it.

The trouble with our times is that the future is not what it used to be.

Technology is a way of organizing the universe so that man doesn’t have to experience it.

When I was a boy I was told that anybody could become president; I’m beginning to believe it.

If the French were really intelligent, they’d speak English.

Save the whales. Collect the whole set.

Tell me what you need, and I’ll tell you how to get along without it.

I know a guy who is addicted to brake fluid. He says he can stop anytime.

Advertisement for donkey rides in Thailand: Would you like to ride on your own ass?

Any task worth doing was worth doing yesterday.

Cheerfulness is contagious, but don’t wait to catch it from others. Be a carrier.

I love deadlines. I especially like the whooshing sound they make as they go flying by.

Plan to be spontaneous tomorrow.

Why is it that doctors call what they do “practice”?

Being in the army is like being in the Boy Scouts, except that the Boy Scouts have adult supervision.

If you don’t know why I’m mad at you, then I’m certainly not going to tell you

Men are from earth. Women are from earth. Deal with it.

Horn broken. Watch for finger. (on bumper sticker)

A great many people think they are thinking when they are merely rearranging their prejudices.

Why don’t you ever see the headline “Psychic Wins Lottery”?

Isn’t having a smoking section in a restaurant like having a peeing section in a swimming pool?

“There is no reason anyone would want a computer in their home.” — Ken Olson, founder of Digital Equipment Corp., 1977.

What do you call a dinosaur with an extensive vocabulary? A thesaurus.

The most precious thing we have is life. Yet it has absolutely no trade-in value.

The trouble with jogging is that, by the time you realise you’re not in shape for it, it’s far too far to walk back.

All the toilets in New York’s police stations have been stolen. The police have nothing to go on.

I don’t suffer from stress. I’m a carrier.

“My computer NEVER loc

Remember half the people you know are below average.

I don’t believe in astrology. I am a Sagittarius and we’re very skeptical. ~ Arthur C. Clarke

I took a speed reading course and read ‘War and Peace’ in twenty minutes. It involves Russia. Enough women for four.

Youth would be an ideal state if it came a little later in life.

Booze is the answer. I don’t remember the question.

The chance of a piece of bread falling with the buttered side down is directly proportional to the cost of the carpet.

Without question, the greatest invention in the history of mankind is beer. Oh, I grant you that the wheel was also a fine invention, but the wheel does not go nearly as well with pizza.

Honest criticism is hard to take, particularly from a relative, a friend, an acquaintance, or a stranger.

If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?

Be careful when reading health books; you may die of a misprint.

Quantum mechanics: The dreams stuff is made of.

Experience is something you do not get until just after you need it.

Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don’t.

Experience is simply the name we give our mistakes.

An egotist is a person of low taste—more interested in himself than in me.

Be kind to your dentist. He has fillings, too.

When a clock is hungry, it goes back four seconds.

Errors have been made. Others will be blamed.

Mines are equal opportunity weapons.

Everyone hates me because I’m paranoid.

The illegal we do immediately. The unconstitutional takes a little longer. – Henry Kissinger

For Sale: Parachute. Only used once, never opened, small stain.

The day I can’t do my job drunk is the day I turn in my badge and gun.

Climbers aim for the summit because it is there. Bungi jumpers dive off the top because they aren’t all there.

Remember the teakettle; though up to its neck in hot water, it continues to sing.

Better to remain silent and be thought a fool, than to speak and remove all doubt.

God must love stupid people, he made so many.

Programmer – A red-eyed, mumbling mammal capable of conversing with inanimate objects.

Restarting System - Mouse Moved

Get a new car for your spouse – it’ll be a great trade!

I’ve always wanted to be normal, but lately I’ve come to suspect that this is it.

To succeed in politics, it is often necessary to rise above your principles.

When Chemists die, they barium.

Vote for the man who promises least; he’ll be the least disappointing.

This mind intentionally left blank

Bacteria: the only culture some people have.

You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They left a little note on the windscreen, it said ‘Parking Fine.’

The second day of a diet is alway easier than the first. By the second day, you’re off it.

I don’t necessarily agree with everything I say.

If Bill Gates had a nickel for every time Windows crashed... oh wait, he does.

If ever I get married again it would have to be under an anaesthetic.

Whenever I feel like exercise, I lie down until the feeling passes.

You can’t have everything. Where would you put it?

To find out a girl’s faults, praise her to her girl friends.

The things that come to those that wait may be the things left by those who got there first.

A committee is a body that keeps minutes and wastes hours.

After all is said and done, more is said than done.

Originality is the fine art of remembering what you hear, but forgetting where you heard it.

At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be “What is hell?” Come early and listen to our choir practice.

On the plus side, death is one of the few things that can be done just as easily as lying down.

Time is a great teacher, but unfortunately it kills all its pupils.

An Irish man was driving to the airport when he saw a sign saying ‘Airport – Left’... So he went home.

You can say any foolish thing to a dog, and the dog will give you a look that says, “My God, you’re right! I never would’ve thought of that!”

Everybody has a photographic memory. Some don’t have film.

“Einstein argued that there must be simplified explanations of nature, because God is not capricious or arbitrary. No such faith comforts the software engineer.” — Fred Brooks.

Applying computer technology is simply finding the right wrench to pound in the correct screw.

My husband and I divorced over religious differences... He thought he was God and I didn’t.

Well if this is the wrong number, why did you answer it?

From the moment I picked your book up until I laid it down I was convulsed with laughter. Some day I intend reading it.

“Your mouse has moved. Windows must be restarted for the change to take effect. Reboot now ? [OK]”

In this world, nothing is certain but death and taxes. – Benjamin Franklin

Money can’t buy happiness, but it sure makes misery easier to live with.

Moderation in all things, including moderation.

“There are only two things that are infinite: the universe and human stupidity. And I’m not sure about the universe.” A. Einstein

Procrastinate Now!

We Quit Voting Will They All Go Away?

In a Rome laundry: Ladies, leave your clothes here and spend the afternoon having a good time.

Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.

“Inconceivable!” “I do not think that word means what you think it means.”

A procrastinator’s work is never done.

Birthdays are good for you. Statistics show that the people who have the most live the longest.

It’s just a job. Grass grows, birds fly, waves pound the sand. I just beat people up. – Muhammad Ali

There are 3 kinds of people: those who can count and those who can’t.

Man shoots neighbour with machete [The Miami Herald, July 3]

“I’d rather have a bottle in front of me, than a frontal lobotomy”. — Tom Waits

Connection Reset By Aboriginal With Wire Cutters

Cheer up, the worst is yet to come.

Someone sent me a postcard picture of the earth. On the back it said, “Wish you were here.”

People can be divided into three groups: Those who make things happen, those who watch things happen, and those who wonder what happened.

So Many Pedestrians – So Little Time.

One should forgive one’s enemies, but not before they are hanged.

I plead contemporary insanity.

Why were the Indians here first? They had reservations.

I don’t meet competition. I crush it

If you’re born again, do you have two bellybuttons?

If you can stay calm, while all around you is chaos... then you probably haven’t completely understood the situation.

Everything you like is bad for you in some way.

I spent most of my money on booze, drugs and women... The rest I wasted!

“C++ : Where friends have access to your private members.” — Gavin Russell Baker.

When in doubt, mumble.

Roses are red, Violets are blue. In Soviet Russia, Poems write you.

Don’t use a big word where a diminutive one will suffice.

I’m out of my mind, but feel free to leave a message.

What happens if you get scared half to death twice?

Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?

Marriage is not a word; it is a sentence.

If life was fair, Elvis would be alive and all the impersonators would be dead.

There’s a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot.

Don’t be irreplaceable; if you cannot be replaced, you cannot be promoted.

Santa’s helpers are subordinate clauses.

A pessimist is a man who has been compelled to live with an optimist

My mind not only wanders, sometimes it leaves completely.

On a tombstone: I TOLD YOU I WAS SICK

I’m reading a book about anti-gravity. I can’t put it down.

Connection Reset - Insufficient Electrons

Outside a Hong Kong tailor shop: Ladies may have a fit upstairs.

Best way to get a man to do something, is to suggest they are too old for it.

Some pain is physical, and some is mental, but one that’s both is dental.

Well, if I called the wrong number, why did you answer the phone?

Money is flat and meant to be piled up. – Scottish Proverb

A bachelor is a man who comes to work from a different direction each morning.

I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.

Shin: a device for finding furniture in the dark.

One good thing about repeating your mistakes is that you know when to cringe.

In democracy it’s your vote that counts. In feudalism it’s your count that votes.

Artificial Intelligence is no match for Natural Stupidity.

Get even – live long enough to be a problem to your kids.

We are going on a field trip to the Coca-Cola factory. I hope there are no pop quizzes.

I stayed up all night to see where the sun went. Then it dawned on me.

Age is a question of mind over matter. If you don’t mind, it don’t matter.

Doctor, Doctor You’ve got to help me – I just can’t stop my hands shaking. Do you drink a lot? Not really – I spill most of it!

If I were two-faced, would I be wearing this one?

Mental Floss prevents Moral Decay.

Anyone who told you to be yourself couldn’t have given you worse advice.

To define recursion, we must first define recursion.

If con is the opposite of pro, congress is the opposite of progress.

“Oh dear,” said God, “I hadn’t thought of that,” and promptly vanished in a puff of logic.

Oh, don’t fuss. I just cut myself. It’s no big deal,” REALLY MEANS, “I have actually severed a limb, but will bleed to death before I admit I’m hurt.”

In the office of a Roman doctor: Specialist in women and other diseases.

Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7th of your life.

If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?

Caution – Driver Legally Blonde!

All those who believe in psycho kinesis raise my hand.

Alcohol: the cause of, and solution to, all of life’s problems.

Don’t marry for money. You can borrow it cheaper.

Show me a piano falling down a mineshaft and I’ll show you A-flat minor.

We spend the first twelve months of our children’s lives teaching them to walk and talk and the next twelve telling them to sit down and shut up.

A conclusion is simply the place where you got tired of thinking.

If automobiles had followed the same development cycle as the computer, a Rolls Royce would today cost $100, get a million miles per gallon, and explode once a year, killing everyone inside.

I have great faith in fools; my friends call it self-confidence.

“My wife made me join a bridge club. I jump off next Tuesday” — Rodney Dangerfield

My parents stayed together for forty years, but that was out of spite.

If you do not make dust, you eat dust.

Needing someone is like needing a parachute. If he isn’t there the first time you need him, chances are you won’t be needing him again.

If you choke a smurf, what colour does it turn?

Anger is only one letter away from danger.

If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?

There are only three kinds of people; people who can count and people who can’t.

Never put off until tomorrow what you can avoid altogether.

I took an IQ test and the results were negative.

There are two kinds of people, those who finish what they start, and so on.

Remember, half the people you know are below average.

A printer consists of three main parts: the case, the jammed paper tray and the blinking red light

“I am not worried about the deficit. It is big enough to take care of itself.” – Ronald Reagan

Everybody is ignorant, only on different subjects.

The doctor can bury his mistakes but an architect can only advise his client to plant vines.

I don’t have an attitude problem. You have a perception problem.

A conscience does not prevent sin. It only prevents you from enjoying it.

I have kleptomania, but when it gets bad, I take something for it. ~ Robert Benchle

In a Tokyo shop: Our nylons cost more than common, but you’ll find they are best in the long run.

If I have to work for an idiot, I might as well work for myself.

Why do we wash bath towels, aren’t we clean when we use them?

Hang in there; retirement is only thirty years away.

Nick Overruled - Democratic Majority Decision

I’m quite easy to get along with, once you learn to beckon at my every call and yield to all my desires.

A cartoonist was found dead in his home. Details are sketchy.

As long as there are tests, there will be prayer in public schools.

I want to die peacefully in my sleep like my grandfather, not screaming in abject horror like his passengers.

“Auntie Em: hate you, hate Kansas, taking the dog.” – Dorothy

“The object of war is not to die for your country but to make the other bastard die for his.” – General George Patton

An Apple a day keeps the doctor away. But... an onion a day keeps everyone away.

Illiterate? Write For Help.

Leftists are among the first to speak of their rights.

Consciousness: that annoying time between naps.

A bird in the hand is safer than one overhead.

The best computer is a man, and it’s the only one that can be mass-produced by unskilled labour.

A penny saved is a Congressional spending oversight.

Good judgement comes from experience. Experience comes from bad judgement.

When you come to a fork in the road, take it.

“If carrots are so good for the eyes, how come I see so many dead rabbits on the highway?”

I used to find him boring until I stopped listening.

Prediction is extremely difficult. Especially about the future.

How do you spot an Irishman at a carwash? He’s the one on the bike.

Only a fool is astonished by the foolishness of humankind.

Make sure your mind isn’t so open that your brains fall out.

“I have never let my schooling interfere with my education.”—Mark Twain

Nobody can be exactly like me. Even I have trouble doing it.

The only perfect science is hindsight.

There are 10 types of people in the world: Those who understand binary, and those who don’t.

Man who run behind car get exhausted.

What Has Four Legs And An Arm? A Happy Pit Bull.

My mind works like lightning. One brilliant flash and it is gone.

What’s the definition of a will? (It’s a dead giveaway).

Plato is dead, Einstein is dead, and I’m not feeling too good myself...

The early bird gets the worm, but the early worm gets eaten.

A bargain is something you don’t need at a price you can’t resist.

When I’m not in my right mind, my left mind gets pretty crowded

“The best thing about the future is that it comes only one day at a time.” – Abraham Lincoln

Instead of getting married again, I’m going to find a woman I don’t like and just give her a house.—Rod Stewart

Ours is a world where people don’t know what they want and are willing to go through hell to get it.

“I have left orders to be awakened at any time in case of national emergency – even if I’m in a Cabinet meeting.” – Ronald Reagan

Half our life is spent trying to find something to do with the time we have rushed through life trying to save.

I did a theatrical performance about puns. It was a play on words.

Sometimes I wake up grumpy; other times I let her sleep

Don’t use a big word where a diminutive one will suffice.

I think that’s how Chicago got started. A bunch of people in New York said, “Gee, I’m enjoying the crime and the poverty, but it just isn’t cold enough. Let’s go west.”—Richard Jeni

Who is General Failure and why is he reading my hard disk?

Five out of four people have trouble with fractions.

I used to be a Kleptomaniac, But now I’m taking something for it

You’re such an inspiration for the way I’ll never choose to be.

Years ago fairy tales began with “Once upon a time...” Now it’s “If I am elected...”

The human brain is a wonderful thing. It starts working the moment you are born, and never stops until you stand up to speak in public.

“When you starve with a tiger, the tiger starves last”. — Griffin’s Thought

A guy got arrested for playing the guitar. He was fingering a minor.

If At First You Don’t Succeed... Blame Someone Else And Seek Counseling.

Half of being smart is knowing what you are dumb at.

I didn’t like my beard at first. Then it grew on me.

I used to think I was indecisive, but now I’m not sure.

When I was young, I could remember anything. Whether it happened or not.

“Things are more like they are now than they ever were before.” – Former U.S. President Dwight D. Eisenhower

If I were someone who knew something, who could I tell that would believe me?

Venison for dinner again? Oh deer!

I dropped out of communism class because of lousy Marx.

I’ve been trying for some time to develop a life style that doesn’t require my presence.

When in trouble, fear or doubt, run in circles, scream and shout.

“I could tell that my parents hated me. My bath toys were a toaster and a radio” — Rodney Dangerfield

Friends may come and go, but enemies accumulate

If a President doesn’t do it to his wife, he’ll do it to his country.

Even crime wouldn’t pay if the government ran it.

Slow is when someone laps you in the hundred-yard dash

Youth is a wonderful thing. What a crime to waste it on children.

I haven’t spoken to my wife for 18 months: I don’t like to interrupt her.

How did Moses make his tea? Hebrews it.

If it weren’t for electricity we’d all be watching television by candlelight?

They told me I had type A blood, but it was a Type O

“They say hard work never hurt anybody, but I figure why take the chance.” – Ronald Reagan

The earthquake in Washington obviously was the government’s fault.

It’s not true that married men live longer than single men. It only seems longer.

Tips for Vegetarians: Hit a chicken enough times and it turns into a vegetable.

If a man opens a car door for a woman, either the car is new or the woman.

All men are equal. Some are just more equal than others.

I don’t enjoy computer jokes; not one bit.

Never go to a doctor whose office plants have died.

I majored in liberal arts. Will that be for here or to go?

Whenever people agree with me, I always feel I must be wrong.

INDECISION is the key to FLEXIBILITY.

The light at the end of the tunnel has been turned off due to budget cuts.

Love is like an hourglass, with the heart filling up as the brain empties.

Bachelors have consciences, married men have wives.

A hangover is the wrath of grapes.

Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way when you criticize them, you are a mile away from them and you have their shoes.

Smith & Wesson — the original point and click interface.

If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?

Man who run in front of car get tired.

Plagiarism saves time.

A baby sitter is a teenager acting like an adult while the adults are out acting like teenagers.

I was at a bar nursing a beer. My nipple was getting quite soggy.

I like to start my periods with sentences.

“I wish everyone was peaceful. Then I could take over the planet with a butter knife”—Dogbert

Nothing means nothing, but it isn’t really nothing because nothing is something that isn’t.

Some people are going to leave a mark on this world, while others will leave a stain.

Men have a much better time of it than women; for one thing, they marry later; for another thing they die earlier.

A study in the Washington Post says that women have better verbal skills than men. I just want to say to the authors of that study: “Duh.”— Conan O’Brien

My reality check just bounced.

System Error - Windows Loaded

We must believe in free will, we have no choice.

It’s easy to quit smoking... I’ve done it over 10,000 times.

“Blink your eyelids periodically to lubricate your eyes.” — Page 16 of the HP “Environmental, Health Safety Handbook for Employees”.

A poor excuse is like an old bucket; doesn’t matter what shape it is in, as long as it holds water.

I have noticed that the people who are late are often so much jollier that the people who have to wait for them.

The short fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.

Genius is 1% inspiration, and 99% perspiration.

Those who can laugh without cause have either found the true meaning of happiness or have gone stark raving mad.

Anything that can become tangled around something else, will.

I have spent my whole life looking for the perfect woman, and now I’ve found her. Too bad she’s looking for the perfect man.

We have two ends. One for sitting and one for thinking. Our success depends on which one we use most.

“You start coding. I’ll go find out what they want.” — Computer analyst to programmer

If at first you don’t succeed, destroy all the evidence that you tried.

Life... I don’t get it...

Anything not nailed down is a cat toy.

I stayed up all night to see where the sun went. Then it dawned on me.

IRS: We’ve got what it takes to take what you’ve got.

If at first you don’t succeed, skydiving is not your sport.

All my life, I always wanted to be somebody. Now I see that I should have been more specific.

If the world should blow itself up, the last audible voice would be that of an expert saying it can’t be done.

A day without sun shine is like, you know, night.

I don’t like people who take drugs... Customs Officers for example.

Everybody lies, but it doesn’t matter since nobody listens.

Does your train of thought have a caboose?

“This report, by its very length, defends itself against the risk of being read”. — Winston Churchill

Under capitalism, man exploits man. Under Communism, it’s just the opposite.

It has recently been discovered that research causes cancer in rats.

“Banking establishments are more dangerous than standing armies”. — Thomas Jefferson

Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?

Pardon my driving, I am reloading.

I had amnesia once or twice.

I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol.

Why is the third hand on the watch called a second hand?

It is hard to understand how a cemetery raised its burial charges and blamed it on the cost of living.

As a final incentive before giving up a difficult task, try to imagine it successfully accomplished by someone you violently dislike.

99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.

Before marriage, a man yearns for the woman he loves. After marriage, the ‘Y’ becomes silent.

I thought I made a mistake once, but I was wrong.

Any ship can be a minesweeper... once.

I have a simple philosophy. Fill what’s empty. Empty what’s full. Scratch where it itches.

My life has a superb cast but I can’t figure out the plot.

Marriage changes passion... suddenly you’re in bed with a relative.

If you can’t beat your computer at chess, try kickboxing.

Don’t look back. Something may be gaining on you.

e=mc^2 where m = the number of cooks required to spoil the broth

Snowmen fall from Heaven unassembled.

If we don’t succeed, we run the risk of failure.

It’s important to be open-minded, but not SO open-minded that your brains fall out.

Everyone needs belief in something. I believe I’ll have another beer.

Does this smell like chloroform to you?

Allow me to introduce my selves.

I always wanted to be a procrastinator, never got around to it though.

Eschew obfuscation.

If people concentrated on the really important things in life, there’d be a shortage of fishing poles.

If olive oil comes from olives, where does baby oil come from?

Knowledge is the key, but where is the damn lock?

I’d give my right arm to be ambidextrous.

I don’t have a solution but I admire the problem.

You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say will be misquoted then used against you.

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