Amusing Quotes & One-Liners — Ned Martin’s Amused
Amusing Quotes & One-Liners
Man who run behind car get exhausted.
If life was fair, Elvis would be alive and all the impersonators would be dead.
Stupidity is not a handicap. Park elsewhere!
You can always spot a well-informed man – his views are the same as yours.
Good judgement comes from experience. Experience comes from bad judgement.
I love being married. It’s so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.
The chance of a piece of bread falling with the buttered side down is directly proportional to the cost of the carpet.
Confidence is the feeling you have before you understand the situation
The secret of success is sincerity. Once you can fake that you’ve got it made.
Never underestimate the power of very stupid people in large groups.
They told me I had type A blood, but it was a Type O
I spilled spot remover on my dog. Now he’s gone.
I fear my inferiority complex is not as good as yours.
I don’t approve of political jokes... I’ve seen too many of them get elected.
It is not what a teenager knows that bothers his parents. It is how he found out.
Help Wanted: Telepath. You know where to apply.
Chipped dishes never break.
The dictionary is the only place where success comes before work.
How do you keep an Irishman busy? Write P.T.O on both sides of a piece of paper.
Blessed are those who can laugh at themselves, they will never cease to be amused.
To define recursion, we must first define recursion.
I used to find him boring until I stopped listening.
A study in the Washington Post says that women have better verbal skills than men. I just want to say to the authors of that study: “Duh.”— Conan O’Brien
Where there’s a will, I want to be in it.
The sooner you fall behind the more time you’ll have to catch up.
Just remember... if the world didn’t suck, we’d all fall off.
PMS jokes aren’t funny. Period.
We have two ends. One for sitting and one for thinking. Our success depends on which one we use most.
It’s just a job. Grass grows, birds fly, waves pound the sand. I just beat people up. – Muhammad Ali
There is nothing so annoying as to have two people go right on talking when you’re interrupting.
In a Tokyo shop: Our nylons cost more than common, but you’ll find they are best in the long run.
Mind like a steel trap – rusty and illegal in most states.
It is hard enough to remember my opinions, without also remembering my reasons for them!
You have the right to your opinions. I just don’t want to hear them.
“Your mouse has moved. Windows must be restarted for the change to take effect. Reboot now ? [OK]”
Sometimes I think the surest sign that intelligent life exists elsewhere in the universe is that none of it has tried to contact us.
The surprising thing about young fools is how many survive to become old fools.
“They say hard work never hurt anybody, but I figure why take the chance.” – Ronald Reagan
Early to rise, early to bed, makes a man healthy but socially dead.
Some people are alive only because it’s illegal to kill them.
I used to think I was indecisive, but now I’m not sure.
Even crime wouldn’t pay if the government ran it.
I like to start my periods with sentences.
In a Copenhagen airline ticket office: We take your bags and send them in all directions.
Anyone who told you to be yourself couldn’t have given you worse advice.
If you can’t dazzle them with brilliance... just baffle them with bullsh*t.
If I have to work for an idiot, I might as well work for myself.
I have had more trouble with myself than with any other man I’ve met.
If you choke a smurf, what colour does it turn?
Five out of four people have trouble with fractions.
I envy people who drink – at least they know what to blame everything on.
Hang in there; retirement is only thirty years away.
Humour. It is a difficult concept. It is not logical.
This comment is printed on 100% recycled electrons.
Velcro — what a rip off!
Latest survey shows that 3 out of 4 people make up 75% of the world’s population.
The best computer is a man, and it’s the only one that can be mass-produced by unskilled labour.
Age is a very high price to pay for maturity.
People don’t grow up; they just learn how to act in public.
Never put off until tomorrow what you can avoid altogether.
When you are arguing with an idiot, make sure the other person isn’t doing the same thing.
A bargain is something you don’t need at a price you can’t resist.
I always wanted to be a procrastinator, never got around to it though.
A pessimist is a man who has been compelled to live with an optimist
If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?
Having more money doesn’t make you happier. I have 50 million dollars but I’m just as happy as when I had 48 million. ~ Arnold Schwarzenegger.
Accept that some days you’re the pigeon, and some days you’re the statue.
Pardon my driving, I am reloading.
He’s so lazy. I’ve seen him step into a revolving door and wait.
Just because you’re not paranoid doesn’t mean they’re not out to get you.
Arguing on the Internet is like competing in the Special Olympics – even if you win, you are still retarded.
People can be divided into three groups: Those who make things happen, those who watch things happen, and those who wonder what happened.
Don’t look back. Something may be gaining on you.
Outside a Hong Kong tailor shop: Ladies may have a fit upstairs.
When I was young, I could remember anything. Whether it happened or not.
Life... I don’t get it...
All my life, I always wanted to be somebody. Now I see that I should have been more specific.
Raising teenagers is like trying to nail Jell-O to a tree.
I was the next door kid’s imaginary friend.
Love is like an hourglass, with the heart filling up as the brain empties.
Why is the third hand on the watch called a second hand?
Alcohol: the cause of, and solution to, all of life’s problems.
Doctor, Doctor You’ve got to help me – I just can’t stop my hands shaking. Do you drink a lot? Not really – I spill most of it!
Heck is where people go who don’t believe in gosh.
How do you know if a fish is Irish? It has drowned.
Time’s fun when you’re having flies... Kermit the Frog
I have kleptomania, but when it gets bad, I take something for it. ~ Robert Benchle
I installed a skylight in my apartment. The people who live above me are furious.
I don’t like people who take drugs... Customs Officers for example.
I was at a bar nursing a beer. My nipple was getting quite soggy.
Computers make it easy to do a lot of things, but most of the things that make it easier to do don’t need to be done.
The fellow who thinks he knows it all is especially annoying to those of us who do.
To succeed in politics, it is often necessary to rise above your principles.
“A girl phoned me the other day and said... Come on over, there’s nobody home. I went over. Nobody was home” — Rodney Dangerfield
A hangover is the wrath of grapes.
God must love stupid people, he made so many.
If at first you don’t succeed, destroy all the evidence that you tried.
Take my advice, I don’t use it anyway.
Why is the man that invests your money called a broker?
If I were two-faced, would I be wearing this one?
Men don’t care what’s on TV. They only care what else is on TV.
I’m desperately trying to figure out why kamikaze pilots wore helmets.
How do you spot an Irishman at a carwash? He’s the one on the bike.
It’s important to be open-minded, but not SO open-minded that your brains fall out.
Leftists are among the first to speak of their rights.
The earthquake in Washington obviously was the government’s fault.
Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying of nothing.
I stayed up all night to see where the sun went. Then it dawned on me.
Cluster bombing from B-52s is very, very accurate – the bombs always hit the ground.
Well, if I called the wrong number, why did you answer the phone?
Every morning is the dawn of a new error.
“Life is a waste of time, time is a waste of life, so get wasted all of the time and have the time of your life”. — Tom Waits
Foolproof systems don’t take into account the ingenuity of fools.
If it weren’t for the last minute, nothing would ever get done.
AIBOHPHOBIA – the fear of palindromes.
Being single is like a vacuum. It sucks when you are turned on.
Nothing means nothing, but it isn’t really nothing because nothing is something that isn’t.
“Reading computer manuals without the hardware is as frustrating as reading sex manuals without the software.” — Arthur C. Clarke.
“A patriot must always be ready to defend his country against his government”. — Edward Abbey
“There are two major products that come out of Berkeley: LSD and UNIX. We don’t believe this to be a coincidence.” — Jeremy S. Anderson
I have noticed that the people who are late are often so much jollier that the people who have to wait for them.
The illegal we do immediately. The unconstitutional takes a little longer. – Henry Kissinger
If you don’t know where you are going, you will wind up somewhere else.
Be careful when reading health books; you may die of a misprint.
I’m an idealist: I don’t know where I’m going, but I’m on my way.
Time sneaks up on you like a windshield on a bug.
Partying... oops No Only Parting... sorry
“C++ : Where friends have access to your private members.” — Gavin Russell Baker.
I love cats – they taste just like chicken.
There are two types of people in this world, good and bad. The good sleep better, but the bad seem to enjoy the waking hours much more.
Any ship can be a minesweeper... once.
I don’t suffer from stress. I’m a carrier.
As a final incentive before giving up a difficult task, try to imagine it successfully accomplished by someone you violently dislike.
Caution – Driver Legally Blonde!
“The best thing about the future is that it comes only one day at a time.” – Abraham Lincoln
An Irish man was driving to the airport when he saw a sign saying ‘Airport – Left’... So he went home.
Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy.
“People who drink light beer don’t like the taste of beer; they just like to pee a lot” — Rodney Dangerfield
If money talks, it ain’t on speakin’ terms with me.
Be kind to your dentist. He has fillings, too.
For Sale: Parachute. Only used once, never opened, small stain.
If at first you don’t succeed, skydiving is not your sport.
Procrastinate Now!
There are two kinds of people, those who finish what they start, and so on.
Bachelors know more about women than married men; if they didn’t they’d be married too.
Don’t take life too seriously—you’ll never get out of it alive.
How Many Roads Must A Man Travel Down Before He Admits He Is Lost?
Be thankful for problems. If they were less difficult, someone with less ability might have your job.
Eagles may soar, but weasels don’t get sucked into jet engines.
“The generation of random numbers is too important to be left to chance.” — Robert R. Coveyou, Oak Ridge National Laboratory.
TEAMWORK... means never having to take all the blame yourself.
Democracy is a process by which people are free to choose the man who will get the blame.
A soldier who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran.
Sheep don’t fly so much as plummet.
It’s strange, isn’t it. You stand in the middle of a library and go aaaaagghhhh’ and everyone just stares at you. But you do the same thing on an aeroplane, and everyone joins in.
In the office of a Roman doctor: Specialist in women and other diseases.
Remember, half the people you know are below average.
Consciousness: that annoying time between naps.
The shortest distance between two points is under construction.
Life is complex: it has real and imaginary parts.
I guess traffic in the city is improving a little. Yesterday, I drove clear across town and only had to shave twice.
“Every mighty oak was once just a nut who stood his ground.”
Anything that can become tangled around something else, will.
I’m not dumb; I just have a command of thoroughly useless information.
Youth would be an ideal state if it came a little later in life.
“Oh dear,” said God, “I hadn’t thought of that,” and promptly vanished in a puff of logic.
Somewhere on this globe, every ten seconds, is a woman giving birth to a child. She must be found and stopped.
“War does not determine who is right - only who is left.” – Bertrand Russell
Cab drivers are living proof that practice does not make perfect.
Always remember you’re unique, just like everyone else.
“On two occasions I have been asked [by members of Parliament!]: ‘Pray, Mr. Babbage, if you put into the machine wrong figures, will the right answers come out ?’ I am not able rightly to apprehend the kind of confusion of ideas that could provoke such a question.” — Charles Babbage.
What sane person could live in this world and not be crazy?
Whenever people agree with me, I always feel I must be wrong.
There is no such thing as an underestimate of average intelligence
Last night I lay in bed looking up at the stars in the sky and I thought to myself, “Where the heck is the ceiling?”
When Chemists die, they barium.
Remember half the people you know are below average.
Acupuncture is a jab well done.
Why do we wash bath towels, aren’t we clean when we use them?
I arise in the morning torn between a desire to improve the world and a desire to enjoy the world. This makes it hard to plan the day.
To find out a girl’s faults, praise her to her girl friends.
Those who can laugh without cause have either found the true meaning of happiness or have gone stark raving mad.
Democracy is a government where you can say what you think even if you don’t think.
When a clock is hungry, it goes back four seconds.
System Error - Windows Loaded
Snowmen fall from Heaven unassembled.
If someone with multiple personalities threatens suicide... is it considered a hostage situation?
Who is General Failure and why is he reading my hard disk?
Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian any more than going to the garage makes you a car.
What do you call a dinosaur with an extensive vocabulary? A thesaurus.
Mines are equal opportunity weapons.
A procrastinator’s work is never done.
After all is said and done, more is said than done.
An egotist has one point in his favour – he doesn’t go round talking about other people.
Life is far too important to be taken seriously.
The world is full of willing people; some willing to work, the rest willing to let them.
The truth is a precious commodity. That’s why I use it so sparingly.
I thought I made a mistake once, but I was wrong.
There are two kinds of people, those who finish what they start, and so on.
If I’d known I was going to live this long, I’d have taken better care of myself.
“Then he ran into my knife. He ran into my knife ten times.” – Chicago
If people concentrated on the really important things in life, there’d be a shortage of fishing poles.
The more time you spend in reporting on what you are doing, the less time you have to do it in. Stability is achieved when you spend all your time doing nothing but reporting on the nothing you are doing.
When he first ran for office, he appealed to the voters: “I never stole anything in my life. All I ask is a chance.”
I had amnesia once or twice.
A diplomatic husband said to his wife, how do you expect me to remember your birthday when you never look any older?
Eagles may soar, but weasels don’t get sucked into jet engines.
Laughing stock: cattle with a sense of humour.
Isn’t having a smoking section in a restaurant like having a peeing section in a swimming pool?
Only a fool is astonished by the foolishness of humankind.
My mind not only wanders, sometimes it leaves completely.
A dyslexic man walks into a bra.
If you want a committed man, look in a mental hospital.
Modesty is a virtue of fools.
There’s a fine line between genius and insanity. I have erased this line.
Everything you like is bad for you in some way.
I know a guy who is addicted to brake fluid. He says he can stop anytime.
A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a train stops. On my desk I have a workstation...
Some people are going to leave a mark on this world, while others will leave a stain.
Tip the world over on its side and everything loose will land in Los Angeles.
I’d explain it to you, but your brain would explode.
What Has Four Legs And An Arm? A Happy Pit Bull.
I am a nobody, nobody is perfect, therefore I’m perfect.
Connection Reset By Aboriginal With Wire Cutters
I changed my iPod’s name to Titanic. It’s syncing now.
I hate women because they always know where things are.
“Everyday I beat my own previous record for number of consecutive days I’ve stayed alive.”
Quantum mechanics: The dreams stuff is made of.
On the plus side, death is one of the few things that can be done just as easily as lying down.
I take everything I can for my kleptomania.
Why is it that doctors call what they do “practice”?
I have great faith in fools; my friends call it self-confidence.
I thought I wanted a career, turns out I just wanted paychecks.
One good turn gets most of the blankets.
Whenever there is any doubt, there is no doubt.
Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?
If puns were outlawed, only outlaws would have puns.
We waste time, so you don’t have to.
Despite the cost of living it’s still very popular.
In elementary school, in case of fire, you have to line up quietly in a single file line from smallest to tallest. What is the logic? Do tall people burn slower?
When I was a boy I was told that anybody could become president; I’m beginning to believe it.
Anger is only one letter away from danger.
Knowledge is the key, but where is the damn lock?
I’m an apathetic sociopath – I’d kill you if I cared.
Slow is when someone laps you in the hundred-yard dash
This mind intentionally left blank
It’s hard to face the problem, when the problem is your face.
As long as there are tests, there will be prayer in public schools.
Seeing a murder on television...will help work off one’s antagonisms. And if you haven’t any antagonisms, the commercials will give you some.
Gossip: The art of saying nothing while leaving nothing unsaid.
How did Moses make his tea? Hebrews it.
Anywhere is walking distance, if you’ve got the time.
I married Miss Right. I just didn’t know her first name was Always.
Nick Overruled - Democratic Majority Decision
Don’t use a big word where a diminutive one will suffice.
Impotence: Nature’s Way Of Saying “No Hard Feelings”.
Money is flat and meant to be piled up. – Scottish Proverb
Be nice to your kids. They’ll choose your nursing home.
The scientific theory I like best is that the rings of Saturn are composed entirely of lost airline luggage.
Experience is simply the name we give our mistakes.
Don’t be irreplaceable; if you cannot be replaced, you cannot be promoted.
“When in doubt tell the truth.”—Mark Twain
Most vegetarians look so much like the food they eat that they can be classified as cannibals.
“This report, by its very length, defends itself against the risk of being read”. — Winston Churchill
If con is the opposite of pro, congress is the opposite of progress.
“I’ve been on a calendar but I have never been on time” – Marilyn Monroe
Half our life is spent trying to find something to do with the time we have rushed through life trying to save.
If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?
Outside of a dog, a book is probably man’s best friend, and inside of a dog, it’s too dark to read.
People who think they know everything are annoying to those of us who do.
“Banking establishments are more dangerous than standing armies”. — Thomas Jefferson
Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.
“Reader, suppose you were an idiot. And suppose you were a member of Congress. But I repeat myself”. — Mark Twain
When in trouble, fear or doubt, run in circles, scream and shout.
I laugh in the face of danger, except if I’m involved.
Before marriage, a man yearns for the woman he loves. After marriage, the ‘Y’ becomes silent.
Warning: Dates in Calendar are closer than they appear.
The art of flying is to throw yourself at the ground and miss.
Plato is dead, Einstein is dead, and I’m not feeling too good myself...
If At First You Don’t Succeed... Blame Someone Else And Seek Counseling.
If a woman has to choose between catching a fly ball and saving an infant’s life, she will choose to save the infant’s life without even considering if there is a man on base.—Dave Barry
Hard work never killed anybody but why take the chance?
Age is a question of mind over matter. If you don’t mind, it don’t matter.
Women like silent men. They think they’re listening.
One martini is all right, two is too many, and three is not enough.
My parents stayed together for forty years, but that was out of spite.
Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.
Make sure your mind isn’t so open that your brains fall out.
Bachelors have consciences, married men have wives.
The only reason some people get lost in thought is because it’s unfamiliar territory.
I did a theatrical performance about puns. It was a play on words.
Brilliant, but with the social skills of a thermonuclear device.
“Hey, I’ve got reasons for what I’m doing,” REALLY MEANS, “I sure hope I think of some pretty soon.”
The second day of a diet is alway easier than the first. By the second day, you’re off it.
When you do not know what you are doing, do it neatly.
If you’re not wasted, the day is.
Ninety-nine per cent of the people in the world are fools and the rest of us are in great danger of contagion.
Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?
I’ve been trying for some time to develop a life style that doesn’t require my presence.
The most precious thing we have is life. Yet it has absolutely no trade-in value.
An egotist is a person of low taste—more interested in himself than in me.
If I were someone who knew something, who could I tell that would believe me?
We spend the first twelve months of our children’s lives teaching them to walk and talk and the next twelve telling them to sit down and shut up.
It doesn’t matter what temperature the room is; it’s always room temperature.
You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They left a little note on the windscreen, it said ‘Parking Fine.’
Shin: a device for finding furniture in the dark.
In a Rome laundry: Ladies, leave your clothes here and spend the afternoon having a good time.
Where you stand depends on where you sit.
If at first you don’t succeed, try, try again. Then quit. There’s no use being a damned fool about it.
A team effort is a lot of people doing what I say
Everyone needs belief in something. I believe I’ll have another beer.
If we learn by our mistakes, some of us are getting one hell of an education!
Comedy is tragedy plus time.
The day I can’t do my job drunk is the day I turn in my badge and gun.
I don’t want to achieve immortality through my work. I want to achieve immortality through not dying.
The difference between a stepping-stone and a stumbling block can be when you see it.
e=mc^2 where m = the number of cooks required to spoil the broth
He who smiles in a crisis has found someone to blame.
Two signs from a Majorcan shop entrance: English well speaking / Here speeching American.
I wondered why the baseball was getting bigger. Then it hit me.
Just because your head is the biggest doesn’t mean it contains the right ideas.
Some people are alive only because it’s illegal to kill them.
On the keyboard of life, always keep one finger on the escape key.
He often broke into song because he couldn’t find the key.
At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be “What is hell?” Come early and listen to our choir practice.
Never buy a car you can’t push.
Streakers beware: Your end is in sight.
I’d like to see things your way, but I’m looking in another direction.
I generally avoid temptation unless I can’t resist it.
In a Norwegian cocktail lounge: Ladies are requested not to have children in the bar.
If you don’t learn to laugh at troubles, you won’t have anything to laugh at when you grow old.
Don’t talk unless you can improve the silence.
He does the work of three men: Larry, Moe and Curly.
A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat.
A poor excuse is like an old bucket; doesn’t matter what shape it is in, as long as it holds water.
Remember... Marriage is the number one cause of divorce. Statistically, 100% of all divorces started with marriage.
There are three ways to get something done: do it yourself, hire someone, or forbid your kids to do it.
“I am not worried about the deficit. It is big enough to take care of itself.” – Ronald Reagan
A person who smiles in the face of adversity... probably has a scapegoat.
“When you starve with a tiger, the tiger starves last”. — Griffin’s Thought
Haunted French pancakes give me the crêpes.
Everybody has a photographic memory. Some don’t have film.
I plead contemporary insanity.
Quantum: Noun, word used to sound like I know what I’m talking about while discussing physics I’ve never actually studied.
Horn broken. Watch for finger. (on bumper sticker)
Men’s faults are many, women have only two. Everything they say, and everything they do.
Seen it all, done it all, can’t remember most of it.
If olive oil comes from olives, where does baby oil come from?
Abel Tasman on discovering Tasmania, “Too far south for spices and too close to the rim of the earth to be inhabited by anything but freaks and monsters”
I don’t have an attitude problem. You have a perception problem.
I’m in no shape to exercise.
If all you have is a hammer, everything looks like a nail.
The most powerful force in the universe is gossip.
This girl said she recognized me from the vegetarian club, but I’d never met herbivore
Vote for the man who promises least; he’ll be the least disappointing.
I used to be apathetic, but now I don’t give a damn.
On the other hand you have different fingers.
If you can’t convince them, confuse them.
Make three correct guesses consecutively and you will establish yourself as an expert.
If ever I get married again it would have to be under an anaesthetic.
Man who run in front of car get tired.
“Are you going to come quietly, or do I have to use earplugs?”—Vale Spike Milligan
Best way to get a man to do something, is to suggest they are too old for it.
You’re not drunk if you can lie on the floor without holding on.
Never go to a doctor whose office plants have died.
I always wanted to be somebody, but I should have been more specific.
99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
It is well to remember the entire population of the universe, with one trifling exception, is composed of others.
To B or not to B? *kills the B* I HATE BEES!!!! – LynxofCP
There are only three kinds of people; people who can count and people who can’t.
I don’t meet competition. I crush it
Tell me what you need, and I’ll tell you how to get along without it.
Love is blind, but marriage is a real eye-opener.
Murphy’s Golden Rule: Whoever has the gold makes the rules.
What happens if you get scared half to death twice?
It is hard to understand how a cemetery raised its burial charges and blamed it on the cost of living.
Stupidity is not a handicap! Park somewhere else!
Smith & Wesson — the original point and click interface.
I am amazed at radio DJ’s today. I am firmly convinced that AM on my radio stands for Absolute Moron. I will not begin to tell you what FM stands for.
Red Tape Holds Up New Bridge!
Remember the teakettle; though up to its neck in hot water, it continues to sing.
That which cannot be taken apart will fall apart.
“I believe in equality for everyone, except reporters and photographers”. — Gandhi
Energizer Bunny arrested: Charged with battery.
“The object of war is not to die for your country but to make the other bastard die for his.” – General George Patton
I work hard because millions on welfare depend on me.
I majored in liberal arts. Will that be for here or to go?
Lots of people know a good thing the minute the other fellow sees it first.
I have spent my whole life looking for the perfect woman, and now I’ve found her. Too bad she’s looking for the perfect man.
According to recent study someone is run over by a car every 5 minutes in the city. You’d think the guy would have enough sense to get out of the street.
As the light changed from red to green to yellow and back to red again, I sat there thinking about life. Was it nothing more than a bunch of honking and yelling? Sometimes it seemed that way.
Age is an issue of mind over matter. If you don’t mind, it doesn’t matter.
If you can stay calm, while all around you is chaos... then you probably haven’t completely understood the situation.
I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.
When your IQ reaches 80 –– sell.
Sometimes I wake up grumpy; other times I let her sleep
Constipated People Don’t Give A Crap.
You’re such an inspiration for the way I’ll never choose to be.
If you don’t know where you are going, you might wind up someplace else.
Anything not nailed down is a cat toy.
“Managing senior programmers is like herding cats” — Dave Platt.
Half of the people in the world are below average.
If trees could scream, would we be so cavalier about cutting them down? We might, if they screamed all the time, for no good reason.
What’s another word for Thesaurus?
Marathon runners with bad footwear suffer the agony of defeat.
Time is a great teacher, but unfortunately it kills all its pupils.
He’s not dead, he’s electroencephalographically challenged.
What does a clock do when it’s hungry? It goes back four seconds.
Some people say that I must be a horrible person, but that’s not true. I have the heart of a young boy – in a jar on my desk.
“Inconceivable!” “I do not think that word means what you think it means.”
A great many people think they are thinking when they are merely rearranging their prejudices.
The short fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.
A synonym is a word you use when you can’t spell the word you first thought of.
Show me a piano falling down a mineshaft and I’ll show you A-flat minor.
When you get a bladder infection, urine trouble.
If Bill Gates had a nickel for every time Windows crashed... oh wait, he does.
Borrow money from pessimists- they don’t expect to get it back.
I tried to photograph the fog, but I mist.
Work: It isn’t just for sleeping anymore.
Friends may come and go, but enemies accumulate
I had some words with my wife, and she had some paragraphs with me.
Compromise: the art of dividing a cake so that everybody believes he or she got the biggest piece.
Hope sees the invisible, feels the intangible and achieves the impossible.
I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.
He who laughs last thinks slowest.
Two strings walk into a bar. The first string says to the bartender, “Bartender, I’ll have a beer. u.5n$x5t?*&4ru!2[sACCErJ”. The second string says, “Pardon my friend, he isn’t NULL terminated”.
“If women didn’t exist, all the money in the world would have no meaning.” – Aristotle Onassis
Optimists believe we live on the greatest world. Pessimists believe this is true.
You’ll never get to heaven if you’re scared of getting high.
I like kids, but I don’t think I could eat a whole one.
Lead us not into temptation. Just tell us where it is; we’ll find it.
I want to die peacefully in my sleep like my grandfather, not screaming in abject horror like his passengers.
I’m sorry; you cannot have an outlook on life because it isn’t responding. Microsoft apologises for any inconvenience.
I majored in liberal arts. Will that be for here or to go?
Roses are red, Violets are blue. In Soviet Russia, Poems write you.
In a Budapest zoo: Please do not feed the animals. If you have any suitable food, give it to the guard on duty.
Get a new car for your spouse – it’ll be a great trade!
Killed - Personality Incompatibility
Go the extra mile. It makes your boss look like an incompetent slacker.
Applying computer technology is simply finding the right wrench to pound in the correct screw.
If you can’t convince them, confuse them.
I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol.
“Always in motion the future is. Seasick it makes me. That’s why so green I am”. – Yoda
Conscience is the inner voice warning us that someone may be looking.
Anything’s possible... apart from skiing through a revolving door.
A committee is a body that keeps minutes and wastes hours.
It’s not hard to meet expenses, they’re everywhere.
In this world, nothing is certain but death and taxes. – Benjamin Franklin
Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?
An Apple a day keeps the doctor away. But... an onion a day keeps everyone away.
Men occasionally stumble over the truth, but most of them pick themselves up and hurry off as if nothing had happened. – Winston Churchill
“I have left orders to be awakened at any time in case of national emergency – even if I’m in a Cabinet meeting.” – Ronald Reagan
Plagiarism saves time.
If automobiles had followed the same development cycle as the computer, a Rolls Royce would today cost $100, get a million miles per gallon, and explode once a year, killing everyone inside.
Save the whales. Collect the whole set.
If you can’t beat your computer at chess, try kickboxing.
You can say any foolish thing to a dog, and the dog will give you a look that says, “My God, you’re right! I never would’ve thought of that!”
Everyone hates me because I’m paranoid.
Instead of getting married again, I’m going to find a woman I don’t like and just give her a house.—Rod Stewart
Authority makes some people grow – and others just swell.
To err is human – and to blame it on a computer is even more so.
“How come we choose from just two people to run for president and 50 for Miss America?”
“My wife made me join a bridge club. I jump off next Tuesday” — Rodney Dangerfield
“I think there is a world market for maybe five computers.” — Thomas Watson, chairman of IBM, 1943.
Statistics are like bikinis – What they reveal is suggestive, but what they conceal is vital.
You have to stay in shape. My grandmother, she started walking five miles a day when she was 60. She’s 97 today and we don’t know where the hell she is.
Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.
IRS: We’ve got what it takes to take what you’ve got.
People with narrow minds usually have broad tongues.
Prediction is extremely difficult. Especially about the future.
I don’t believe in astrology. I am a Sagittarius and we’re very skeptical. ~ Arthur C. Clarke
Succeed in spite of management. Aim Low; Reach Your Goals, Avoid Disappointment.
Time is God’s way of keeping everything from happening at once.
“Few things are harder to put up with than a good example.”—Mark Twain
I used to be a Kleptomaniac, But now I’m taking something for it
Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
Not all men are annoying. Some are dead.
“I’d rather have a bottle in front of me, than a frontal lobotomy”. — Tom Waits
There are 10 types of people in the world: Those who understand binary, and those who don’t.
Sex on television can’t hurt you unless you fall off.
If quizzes are quizzical, what are tests?
My schoolmates would make love to anything that moved, but I never saw any reason to limit myself.
Nobody can be exactly like me. Even I have trouble doing it.
So Many Pedestrians – So Little Time.
There’s a difference between being open-minded and having a hole in your head
Laugh at your problems; everybody else does.
We are going on a field trip to the Coca-Cola factory. I hope there are no pop quizzes.
England has no kidney bank, but it does have a Liverpool.
Once, during prohibition, I was forced to live for days on nothing but food and water.
Does this smell like chloroform to you?
Marriage is not a word; it is a sentence.
“There are only two things that are infinite: the universe and human stupidity. And I’m not sure about the universe.” A. Einstein
Experience is something you do not get until just after you need it.
Bacteria: the only culture some people have.
We must believe in free will, we have no choice.
We’ve made great medical progress in the last generation. What used to be merely an itch is now an allergy.
He who trains his tongue to quote the learned sages, will be known far and wide as a smart ass.
Did you hear about the cross-eyed teacher who lost her job because she couldn’t control her pupils?
If you think nobody cares if you’re alive, try missing a couple of car payments.
One day I will get this peer guy and reset his connection.
My reality check just bounced.
My husband and I divorced over religious differences... He thought he was God and I didn’t.
Promises are like babies: fun to make, but hell to deliver.
“My computer NEVER loc
Cheerfulness is contagious, but don’t wait to catch it from others. Be a carrier.
The only difference between Genius and Insanity... is success.
Englishmen never will be slaves: they are free to do whatever the Government and public opinion allow them to do.
The only perfect science is hindsight.
If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?
“He has been given a large brain by mistake, since for him the spinal cord would fully suffice.” — Albert Einstein
Honest criticism is hard to take, particularly from a relative, a friend, an acquaintance, or a stranger.
“I’ve noticed that everyone who is for abortion has already been born.” – Ronald Reagan
“I worked in a pet shop and people kept asking how big I’d get” — Rodney Dangerfield
Military intelligence is a contradiction in terms.
“I could tell that my parents hated me. My bath toys were a toaster and a radio” — Rodney Dangerfield
Never argue with an idiot. They drag you down to their level then beat you with experience.
A dog that attends a flea circus most likely will steal the whole show.
I can please only one person per day. Today is not your day. Tomorrow isn’t looking good either.
I can resist everything except temptation.
Lord, if you won’t make me skinny, please make all my friends fat.
If you do not make dust, you eat dust.
I married my wife for her looks... but not the ones she’s been giving me lately!
No sense being pessimistic, it probably wouldn’t work anyway.
By the time a man realises that his father was right, he has a son who thinks he’s wrong.
If you can’t be kind, at least have the decency to be vague.
How do you sink an Irish Submarine? Knock on the hatch.
Success always occurs in private, and failure in full public view.
Hypochondria is the only disease I haven’t got.
When I’m not in my right mind, my left mind gets pretty crowded
“Auntie Em: hate you, hate Kansas, taking the dog.” – Dorothy
Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
I get enough exercise just pushing my luck.
Chaos, panic, & disorder – my work here is done.
When angry count four, when very angry, swear.
I don’t suffer from stress. I’m a carrier.
The light at the end of the tunnel has been turned off due to budget cuts.
No problem is so big and complicated that it can’t be ran away from.
If it’s 0 degrees today and it’s going to be twice as cold tomorrow... how cold will it be?
Smoking cures weight problems...eventually...
Next time you wave, use all your fingers.
“You, you and you: panic. The rest of you, come with me.”
Everybody lies, but it doesn’t matter since nobody listens.
Without question, the greatest invention in the history of mankind is beer. Oh, I grant you that the wheel was also a fine invention, but the wheel does not go nearly as well with pizza.
I’m reading a book about anti-gravity. I can’t put it down.
I am free of all prejudices. I hate everyone equally.
Illiterate? Write For Help.
This Would Be Really Funny If It Weren’t Happening To Me.
I’m not into working out. My philosophy: No pain, no pain.
Whenever I feel like exercise, I lie down until the feeling passes.
“As a matter of fact” is an expression that precedes many an expression that isn’t.
If the human brain were so simple that we could understand it, we would be so simple we couldn’t.
Originality is the fine art of remembering what you hear, but forgetting where you heard it.
I started out with nothing, and I still have most of it.
If you’re not confused, you’re not paying attention.
History will be kind to me for I intend to write it. – Winston Churchill
The trouble with the rat race is that even if you win, you’re still a rat.
There are 3 kinds of people: those who can count and those who can’t.
“Einstein argued that there must be simplified explanations of nature, because God is not capricious or arbitrary. No such faith comforts the software engineer.” — Fred Brooks.
Allow me to introduce my selves.
I wished the buck stopped here, as I could use a few.
They say you only use ten percent of your brain. What about the other ten?
Half of being smart is knowing what you are dumb at.
The amount of work to be done increases in proportion to the amount of work already completed. — VAIL’S SECOND AXIOM
Cole’s Law: Thinly sliced cabbage.
Bacteria: the only culture some people have.
What if there were no hypothetical questions?
It is wiser to find out than to suppose.—Mark Twain
Does your train of thought have a caboose?
A day without sun shine is like, you know, night.
I’m out of my mind, but feel free to leave a message.
Is Disney World the only people trap operated by a mouse?
Every time I look at you I get a fierce desire to be lonesome.
Don’t Be Sexist – Broads Hate That.
A printer consists of three main parts: the case, the jammed paper tray and the blinking red light
My life has a superb cast but I can’t figure out the plot.
Am I getting smart with you? How would you know?
Work expands to fill the time available. — PARKINSON’S LAW
I Refuse To Have A Battle Of Wits With An Unarmed Person.
How do you get an Irishman to burn his ear? Ring him up while he is ironing.
I used up all my sick days, so I’m calling in dead.
I love work; it fascinates me; I can sit and watch it for hours.
A bird in the hand is safer than one overhead.
If a man opens a car door for a woman, either the car is new or the woman.
I live in my own little world, but it’s ok they know me here.
It is said that if you line up all the cars in the world end to end, someone would be stupid enough to try and pass them.
Plan to be spontaneous tomorrow.
Mental Floss prevents Moral Decay.
If at first you don’t succeed, try management.
It has recently been discovered that research causes cancer in rats.
I have gone to look for myself, if I should return before I get back, keep me here.
If you don’t know why I’m mad at you, then I’m certainly not going to tell you
Everybody is ignorant, only on different subjects.
“This ‘telephone’ has too many shortcomings to be seriously considered as a means of communication.” — Western Union internal memo, 1876.
Someone sent me a postcard picture of the earth. On the back it said, “Wish you were here.”
If everything is coming your way, you are probably in the wrong lane.
Someday we’ll look back on all this and plow into the back of a parked car.
Being in the army is like being in the Boy Scouts, except that the Boy Scouts have adult supervision.
Jack and Jill did it for the insurance.
Anyone can admit they were wrong; the true test is admitting it to someone else.
Character is what you are in the dark.
Get even – live long enough to be a problem to your kids.
The trouble with life is there’s no background music.
You can’t have everything. Where would you put it?
I don’t necessarily agree with everything I say.
Is there life before death?
It’s not that I’m afraid to die; I just don’t want to be there when it happens.
I think, therefore I am single.
Better to remain silent and be thought a fool, than to speak and remove all doubt.
If you don’t pay your exorcist you get repossessed.
Broken pencils are pointless.
When life hands you a lemon, make lemonade.
Politicians are people who, when they see the light at the end of the tunnel, go out and buy more tunnel.
I’d give my right arm to be ambidextrous.
Macho Law prohibits me from admitting I’m wrong.
INDECISION is the key to FLEXIBILITY.
In the beginning, God created earth and rested. Then God created man and rested. Then God created woman. Since then, neither God nor man has rested.
I took an IQ test and the results were negative.
I love deadlines. I especially like the whooshing sound they make as they go flying by.
I think that’s how Chicago got started. A bunch of people in New York said, “Gee, I’m enjoying the crime and the poverty, but it just isn’t cold enough. Let’s go west.”—Richard Jeni
Wine divulges truth.
A baby sitter is a teenager acting like an adult while the adults are out acting like teenagers.
A conscience does not prevent sin. It only prevents you from enjoying it.
Well if this is the wrong number, why did you answer it?
Man shoots neighbour with machete [The Miami Herald, July 3]
I dropped out of communism class because of lousy Marx.
I took a speed reading course and read ‘War and Peace’ in twenty minutes. It involves Russia. Enough women for four.
Advertisement for donkey rides in Thailand: Would you like to ride on your own ass?
I am obviously right, and as you disagree with me, then logically you must be wrong.
If the world should blow itself up, the last audible voice would be that of an expert saying it can’t be done.
Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don’t.
My one regret in life is that I am not someone else.
I couldn’t repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.
You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say will be misquoted then used against you.
It’s not true that married men live longer than single men. It only seems longer.
If the French were really intelligent, they’d speak English.
System Error - Windows Loaded
A conclusion is simply the place where you got tired of thinking.
It is even harder for the average ape to believe that he has descended from man.
Keyboard not detected. Press F1 to continue
How can you come out of a closet if you never went in there in the first place?
“I have never let my schooling interfere with my education.”—Mark Twain
A backwards poet writes inverse.
From the moment I picked your book up until I laid it down I was convulsed with laughter. Some day I intend reading it.
Cheer up, the worst is yet to come.
One should forgive one’s enemies, but not before they are hanged.
Why don’t you ever see the headline “Psychic Wins Lottery”?
A clean tie attracts the soup of the day.
I didn’t like my beard at first. Then it grew on me.
Before you give a colleague a piece of your mind, be sure you can spare it.
Bigamy is having one wife too many. Monogamy is the same. – Oscar Wilde
111,111,111 x 111,111,111 = 12,345,678,987,654,321
“There is no reason anyone would want a computer in their home.” — Ken Olson, founder of Digital Equipment Corp., 1977.
Everything is possible; just not too probable.
The sooner you fall behind the more time you’ll have to catch up.
“You can always count on Americans to do the right thing—after they’ve tried everything else” – Winston Churchill
Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7th of your life.
Being a philosopher, I have a problem for every solution.
There are very few personal problems that cannot be solved through a suitable application of high explosives.
On a tombstone: I TOLD YOU I WAS SICK
Man who drive like hell bound to get there.
Honk if you love peace and quiet.
“The web is a dominatrix. Every where I turn, I see little buttons ordering me to Submit.” — Nytwind.
Moderation in all things, including moderation.
Oh, don’t fuss. I just cut myself. It’s no big deal,” REALLY MEANS, “I have actually severed a limb, but will bleed to death before I admit I’m hurt.”
I spent most of my money on booze, drugs and women... The rest I wasted!
I don’t have a solution but I admire the problem.
Solitude is fine, but you need someone to tell you that solitude is fine.
Progress was all right. Only it went on too long.
“Thinking is the hardest work there is, which is probably why so few engage in it”. — Henry Ford
Youth is a wonderful thing. What a crime to waste it on children.
Artificial Intelligence is no match for Natural Stupidity.
I like children. Properly cooked.
Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way when you criticize them, you are a mile away from them and you have their shoes.
Anything not nailed down is mine. Anything I can pry loose is not nailed down.
“You start coding. I’ll go find out what they want.” — Computer analyst to programmer
I tried sniffing Coke once, but the ice cubes got stuck in my nose.
Jokes about German sausage are the wurst.
Eat a live toad first thing in the morning, and nothing worse can happen to you the rest of the day.
A cartoonist was found dead in his home. Details are sketchy.
Everybody is somebody else’s weirdo.
Support bacteria – they’re the only culture some people have.
The beatings will continue until morale improves.
I’m not afraid of heights, only widths.
Man who eat many prunes get good run for money.
Even paranoids have real enemies.
Santa’s helpers are subordinate clauses.
If vegetable oil comes from vegetables, where does baby oil come from?
Tips for Vegetarians: Hit a chicken enough times and it turns into a vegetable.
Always try to be modest and be proud of it!
Perhaps you’re diagonally parked in a parallel universe?
You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.
If a job is worth doing well get someone else to do it.
Needing someone is like needing a parachute. If he isn’t there the first time you need him, chances are you won’t be needing him again.
Doctor, Doctor I keep getting pains in the eye when I drink coffee. Have you tried taking the spoon out?
Money is better than poverty, if only for financial reasons.
I stayed up all night to see where the sun went. Then it dawned on me.
Everybody is ignorant, only on different subjects.
Insanity is hereditary; you can get it from your children.
Confidence is the feeling you have before you understand the situation.
Well, this day was a total waste of makeup.
Men are from earth. Women are from earth. Deal with it.
“#define QUESTION ((bb) || !(bb))” — Shakespeare
We Quit Voting Will They All Go Away?
Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.
Democracy is the recurrent suspicion that more than half of the people are right more than half of the time.
Shin: a device for finding furniture in the dark.
“Things are more like they are now than they ever were before.” – Former U.S. President Dwight D. Eisenhower
Booze is the answer. I don’t remember the question.
Honesty is the best policy, but insanity is a better defence.
Cleverly Disguised As A Responsible Adult.
Time flies like an arrow – fruit flies like a banana.
The trouble with jogging is that, by the time you realise you’re not in shape for it, it’s far too far to walk back.
What’s the definition of a will? (It’s a dead giveaway).
The things that come to those that wait may be the things left by those who got there first.
If sex is such a natural phenomenon, how come there are so many books on how to do it.
My husband says I never listen to him (at least I think that’s what he said)
Years ago fairy tales began with “Once upon a time...” Now it’s “If I am elected...”
This guy walks into a bar and the barman says “Ouch, that must have hurt”
If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?
“Heavier-than-air flying machines are impossible.” — Lord Kelvin, president, Royal Society, 1895.
If you try and don’t succeed, cheat. Repeat until caught. Then lie.
All the toilets in New York’s police stations have been stolen. The police have nothing to go on.
I’m quite easy to get along with, once you learn to beckon at my every call and yield to all my desires.
Blessed are the young, for they shall inherit the national debt.
Restarting System - Mouse Moved
My mind works like lightning. One brilliant flash and it is gone.
When you come to a fork in the road, take it.
If it weren’t for electricity we’d all be watching television by candlelight?
A guy got arrested for playing the guitar. He was fingering a minor.
A bird does not sing because it has an answer—it sings because it has a song.
My girlfriend told me I should be more affectionate. So I got two more girlfriends.
Madness takes its toll. Please have exact change.
“Always be sincere, even when you don’t mean it”. — Irene Peter
Fundamentalism: Believe in a kind, loving God or we’ll kill you!
Brain: an apparatus with which we think we think.
My favorite mythical creature? The honest politician.
I wonder how much deeper would the ocean be without sponges.
I’ve always wanted to be normal, but lately I’ve come to suspect that this is it.
It used to be only death and taxes were inevitable. Now, of course, there’s shipping and handling, too.
Technology is a way of organizing the universe so that man doesn’t have to experience it.
If a President doesn’t do it to his wife, he’ll do it to his country.
Proofread carefully to see if you any words out.
Genius is 1% inspiration, and 99% perspiration.
I heard a man say that brigands demand your money or your life, whereas women require both.
“If carrots are so good for the eyes, how come I see so many dead rabbits on the highway?”
Laugh and the world laughs with you; snore and you sleep alone.
Marriage changes passion... suddenly you’re in bed with a relative.
I intend to live forever – so far, so good.
In democracy it’s your vote that counts. In feudalism it’s your count that votes.
If we don’t succeed, we run the risk of failure.
An army of deer led by a lion is more to be feared than an army of lions led by a deer.
Don’t stop to stomp on ants when the elephants are stampeding.
Man does not live by words alone, despite the fact that sometimes he has to eat them.
“You have to be careful about being too careful” – Beryl Pfizer
Why does Sea World have a seafood restaurant? I’m halfway through my fish burger and I realize, Oh my gosh... I could be eating a slow learner.
I am not a vegetarian because I love animals; I am a vegetarian because I hate plants.
The human brain is a wonderful thing. It starts working the moment you are born, and never stops until you stand up to speak in public.
Climbers aim for the summit because it is there. Bungi jumpers dive off the top because they aren’t all there.
Errors have been made. Others will be blamed.
It is a fitting irony that under Richard Nixon, ‘launder’ became a dirty word.
I think animal testing is a terrible idea; they get all nervous and give the wrong answers.
I used to be a banker, but then I lost interest.
If we aren’t supposed to eat animals, why are they made of meat?
There’s a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot.
Connection Reset - Insufficient Electrons
I don’t enjoy computer jokes; not one bit.
Eschew obfuscation.
“I would like to live in Manchester, England. The transition between Manchester and death would be unnoticeable”. — Mark Twain
How do I set a laser printer to stun?
The doctor can bury his mistakes but an architect can only advise his client to plant vines.
Age always corresponds inversely to the size of your multivitamin.
Marriage is a three-ring circus: engagement ring, wedding ring, and suffering.
One good thing about repeating your mistakes is that you know when to cringe.
Programmer – A red-eyed, mumbling mammal capable of conversing with inanimate objects.
They say if you play a Microsoft CD backwards you hear satanic messages. That’s nothing, if you play it forwards it installs Windows.
Don’t marry for money. You can borrow it cheaper.
Why is it called tourist season if we can’t shoot at them?
“Blink your eyelids periodically to lubricate your eyes.” — Page 16 of the HP “Environmental, Health Safety Handbook for Employees”.
The early bird gets the worm, but the early worm gets eaten.
If you’re born again, do you have two bellybuttons?
Of course, we are all worms—but I like to think, at least, that I am a glow-worm. – Winston Churchill
I haven’t spoken to my wife for 18 months: I don’t like to interrupt her.
“If builders built buildings the way programmers write programs, then the first woodpecker that came along would destroy civilization” — Weinberg’s Second Law.
I have the body of a GOD – Buddha.
I hope that after I die, people will say of me: “That guy sure owed me a lot of money.”
I often quote myself; it adds spice to my conversation.
It is a small world, but I wouldn’t like to have to paint it.
If you want your spouse to listen and pay strict attention to every word you say, talk in your sleep.
In the beginning, there was nothing. Then God said, “Let there be light,” and there was still nothing, but you could see it.
The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.
The dumber people think you are, the more surprised they’re going to be when you kill them—Rodney Dangerfield
I have a simple philosophy. Fill what’s empty. Empty what’s full. Scratch where it itches.
Living is not worth dying for.
I either want less corruption, or more chance to participate in it.
When all other means of communication fail, try words.
At the age of six I wanted to be a cook. At seven I wanted to be Napoleon. And my ambition has been growing steadily ever since.
“How can a president not be an actor?” – when asked “How could an actor become president?” – Ronald Reagan
You look like a million dollars. All green and wrinkled.
Where do you find an Irish woodworm? Dead inside a brick.
Ever stop to think and forget to start again?
Why is it that to stop Windows, you have to click on “Start”?
All those who believe in psycho kinesis raise my hand.
I used to think I was indecisive, but now I’m not sure.
Never put both feet in your mouth at the same time, because then you don’t have a leg to stand on.
What hair color do they put on the driver’s licenses of bald men?
Early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
If it’s true that we are here to help others, then what exactly are the others here for?
Always do sober what you said you’d do drunk. That will teach you to keep your mouth shut.
A penny saved is a Congressional spending oversight.
Sheep don’t fly so much as plummet.
What do you call a dinosaur with an extensive vocabulary? A thesaurus.
Some pain is physical, and some is mental, but one that’s both is dental.
Ours is a world where people don’t know what they want and are willing to go through hell to get it.
It’s easy to quit smoking... I’ve done it over 10,000 times.
I got a job at a bakery because I kneaded dough.
For people who like peace and quiet – a phoneless cord.
Pick your friends but not to pieces.
Legend: a lie that has attained the dignity of age.
Birthdays are good for you. Statistics show that the people who have the most live the longest.
“I wish everyone was peaceful. Then I could take over the planet with a butter knife”—Dogbert
It’s bad luck to be superstitious.
If at first you do succeed, try to hide your astonishment.
Any task worth doing was worth doing yesterday.
Under capitalism, man exploits man. Under Communism, it’s just the opposite.
Why were the Indians here first? They had reservations.
Money can’t buy happiness, but it sure makes misery easier to live with.
A bachelor is a man who comes to work from a different direction each morning.
I Haven’t Lost My Mind, It’s Backed Up On Disk Somewhere.
The trouble with our times is that the future is not what it used to be.
Jokes about German sausage are the wurst.
A drop of ink may make a million think.
When in doubt, mumble.
Hemp is a herb. Bush is a dope.
It is not my interest to pay the principal, nor my principal to pay the interest.
Men have a much better time of it than women; for one thing, they marry later; for another thing they die earlier.
All men are equal. Some are just more equal than others.
If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?
Don’t use a big word where a diminutive one will suffice.
One of the greatest labour-saving inventions today is tomorrow.
Maybe I’m lucky to be going so slowly, because I may be going in the wrong direction.
The number of people watching you is directly proportional to the stupidity of your action.
Venison for dinner again? Oh deer!
The man who fell into an upholstery machine is fully recovered.
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