Amusing Quotes & One-Liners — Ned Martin’s Amused

Amusing Quotes & One-Liners

I used to think I was indecisive, but now I’m not sure.

I laugh in the face of danger, except if I’m involved.

In a Tokyo shop: Our nylons cost more than common, but you’ll find they are best in the long run.

Don’t Be Sexist – Broads Hate That.

Everyone hates me because I’m paranoid.

Better to remain silent and be thought a fool, than to speak and remove all doubt.

Living is not worth dying for.

We are going on a field trip to the Coca-Cola factory. I hope there are no pop quizzes.

The only difference between Genius and Insanity... is success.

Bachelors have consciences, married men have wives.

“C++ : Where friends have access to your private members.” — Gavin Russell Baker.

Outside a Hong Kong tailor shop: Ladies may have a fit upstairs.

I have kleptomania, but when it gets bad, I take something for it. ~ Robert Benchle

Nothing means nothing, but it isn’t really nothing because nothing is something that isn’t.

Nobody can be exactly like me. Even I have trouble doing it.

Time is a great teacher, but unfortunately it kills all its pupils.

“You, you and you: panic. The rest of you, come with me.”

Don’t look back. Something may be gaining on you.

“There are two major products that come out of Berkeley: LSD and UNIX. We don’t believe this to be a coincidence.” — Jeremy S. Anderson

On the plus side, death is one of the few things that can be done just as easily as lying down.

My husband and I divorced over religious differences... He thought he was God and I didn’t.

I fear my inferiority complex is not as good as yours.

Remember, half the people you know are below average.

I was the next door kid’s imaginary friend.

Why is it that to stop Windows, you have to click on “Start”?

Without question, the greatest invention in the history of mankind is beer. Oh, I grant you that the wheel was also a fine invention, but the wheel does not go nearly as well with pizza.

Well, this day was a total waste of makeup.

Statistics are like bikinis – What they reveal is suggestive, but what they conceal is vital.

The illegal we do immediately. The unconstitutional takes a little longer. – Henry Kissinger

Someday we’ll look back on all this and plow into the back of a parked car.

Why were the Indians here first? They had reservations.

“Always in motion the future is. Seasick it makes me. That’s why so green I am”. – Yoda

An Apple a day keeps the doctor away. But... an onion a day keeps everyone away.

Remember the teakettle; though up to its neck in hot water, it continues to sing.

Connection Reset By Aboriginal With Wire Cutters

No sense being pessimistic, it probably wouldn’t work anyway.

Being in the army is like being in the Boy Scouts, except that the Boy Scouts have adult supervision.

I live in my own little world, but it’s ok they know me here.

I married my wife for her looks... but not the ones she’s been giving me lately!

Men are from earth. Women are from earth. Deal with it.

He who laughs last thinks slowest.

Keyboard not detected. Press F1 to continue

Hypochondria is the only disease I haven’t got.

I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol.

A printer consists of three main parts: the case, the jammed paper tray and the blinking red light

Everybody lies, but it doesn’t matter since nobody listens.

We must believe in free will, we have no choice.

Honk if you love peace and quiet.

A synonym is a word you use when you can’t spell the word you first thought of.

Cheerfulness is contagious, but don’t wait to catch it from others. Be a carrier.

Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.

I always wanted to be a procrastinator, never got around to it though.

Two signs from a Majorcan shop entrance: English well speaking / Here speeching American.

Eagles may soar, but weasels don’t get sucked into jet engines.

Allow me to introduce my selves.

“Managing senior programmers is like herding cats” — Dave Platt.

I want to die peacefully in my sleep like my grandfather, not screaming in abject horror like his passengers.

Vote for the man who promises least; he’ll be the least disappointing.

As long as there are tests, there will be prayer in public schools.

Chipped dishes never break.

The things that come to those that wait may be the things left by those who got there first.

The only perfect science is hindsight.

Raising teenagers is like trying to nail Jell-O to a tree.

I took an IQ test and the results were negative.

“Blink your eyelids periodically to lubricate your eyes.” — Page 16 of the HP “Environmental, Health Safety Handbook for Employees”.

The shortest distance between two points is under construction.

Show me a piano falling down a mineshaft and I’ll show you A-flat minor.

Go the extra mile. It makes your boss look like an incompetent slacker.

What Has Four Legs And An Arm? A Happy Pit Bull.

Whenever I feel like exercise, I lie down until the feeling passes.

Half our life is spent trying to find something to do with the time we have rushed through life trying to save.

If I have to work for an idiot, I might as well work for myself.

They say you only use ten percent of your brain. What about the other ten?

If you want your spouse to listen and pay strict attention to every word you say, talk in your sleep.

If the French were really intelligent, they’d speak English.

Oh, don’t fuss. I just cut myself. It’s no big deal,” REALLY MEANS, “I have actually severed a limb, but will bleed to death before I admit I’m hurt.”

I love work; it fascinates me; I can sit and watch it for hours.

Time sneaks up on you like a windshield on a bug.

I can please only one person per day. Today is not your day. Tomorrow isn’t looking good either.

I wonder how much deeper would the ocean be without sponges.

God must love stupid people, he made so many.

Experience is simply the name we give our mistakes.

Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?

If At First You Don’t Succeed... Blame Someone Else And Seek Counseling.

When Chemists die, they barium.

Why is the man that invests your money called a broker?

Success always occurs in private, and failure in full public view.

Those who can laugh without cause have either found the true meaning of happiness or have gone stark raving mad.

“Reading computer manuals without the hardware is as frustrating as reading sex manuals without the software.” — Arthur C. Clarke.

If you want a committed man, look in a mental hospital.

Life is far too important to be taken seriously.

Seeing a murder on television...will help work off one’s antagonisms. And if you haven’t any antagonisms, the commercials will give you some.

“The web is a dominatrix. Every where I turn, I see little buttons ordering me to Submit.” — Nytwind.

“Things are more like they are now than they ever were before.” – Former U.S. President Dwight D. Eisenhower

Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7th of your life.

If at first you don’t succeed, skydiving is not your sport.

Anything that can become tangled around something else, will.

Insanity is hereditary; you can get it from your children.

Eschew obfuscation.

There are two types of people in this world, good and bad. The good sleep better, but the bad seem to enjoy the waking hours much more.

Be careful when reading health books; you may die of a misprint.

Don’t be irreplaceable; if you cannot be replaced, you cannot be promoted.

It has recently been discovered that research causes cancer in rats.

I started out with nothing, and I still have most of it.

Ninety-nine per cent of the people in the world are fools and the rest of us are in great danger of contagion.

He does the work of three men: Larry, Moe and Curly.

If you don’t learn to laugh at troubles, you won’t have anything to laugh at when you grow old.

There are 10 types of people in the world: Those who understand binary, and those who don’t.

As the light changed from red to green to yellow and back to red again, I sat there thinking about life. Was it nothing more than a bunch of honking and yelling? Sometimes it seemed that way.

I don’t believe in astrology. I am a Sagittarius and we’re very skeptical. ~ Arthur C. Clarke

There are two kinds of people, those who finish what they start, and so on.

If all you have is a hammer, everything looks like a nail.

If you can stay calm, while all around you is chaos... then you probably haven’t completely understood the situation.

I dropped out of communism class because of lousy Marx.

Anything’s possible... apart from skiing through a revolving door.

I don’t necessarily agree with everything I say.

Optimists believe we live on the greatest world. Pessimists believe this is true.

Not all men are annoying. Some are dead.

It is not my interest to pay the principal, nor my principal to pay the interest.

Is Disney World the only people trap operated by a mouse?

TEAMWORK... means never having to take all the blame yourself.

I don’t suffer from stress. I’m a carrier.

If you can’t dazzle them with brilliance... just baffle them with bullsh*t.

People can be divided into three groups: Those who make things happen, those who watch things happen, and those who wonder what happened.

Fundamentalism: Believe in a kind, loving God or we’ll kill you!

Character is what you are in the dark.

Early to rise, early to bed, makes a man healthy but socially dead.

Moderation in all things, including moderation.

They told me I had type A blood, but it was a Type O

I was at a bar nursing a beer. My nipple was getting quite soggy.

It’s easy to quit smoking... I’ve done it over 10,000 times.

It is hard enough to remember my opinions, without also remembering my reasons for them!

Where you stand depends on where you sit.

Money is flat and meant to be piled up. – Scottish Proverb

You can always spot a well-informed man – his views are the same as yours.

Booze is the answer. I don’t remember the question.

You’re such an inspiration for the way I’ll never choose to be.

The art of flying is to throw yourself at the ground and miss.

There are two kinds of people, those who finish what they start, and so on.

I spilled spot remover on my dog. Now he’s gone.

If Bill Gates had a nickel for every time Windows crashed... oh wait, he does.

I love deadlines. I especially like the whooshing sound they make as they go flying by.

Time is God’s way of keeping everything from happening at once.

My one regret in life is that I am not someone else.

Cleverly Disguised As A Responsible Adult.

When in doubt, mumble.

“Auntie Em: hate you, hate Kansas, taking the dog.” – Dorothy

“How can a president not be an actor?” – when asked “How could an actor become president?” – Ronald Reagan

After all is said and done, more is said than done.

Money is better than poverty, if only for financial reasons.

I Refuse To Have A Battle Of Wits With An Unarmed Person.

Illiterate? Write For Help.

Isn’t having a smoking section in a restaurant like having a peeing section in a swimming pool?

If I were someone who knew something, who could I tell that would believe me?

Experience is something you do not get until just after you need it.

Democracy is a process by which people are free to choose the man who will get the blame.

When I’m not in my right mind, my left mind gets pretty crowded

“My wife made me join a bridge club. I jump off next Tuesday” — Rodney Dangerfield

The secret of success is sincerity. Once you can fake that you’ve got it made.

All those who believe in psycho kinesis raise my hand.

If the human brain were so simple that we could understand it, we would be so simple we couldn’t.

Sheep don’t fly so much as plummet.

People don’t grow up; they just learn how to act in public.

“A patriot must always be ready to defend his country against his government”. — Edward Abbey

Never buy a car you can’t push.

The trouble with our times is that the future is not what it used to be.

People with narrow minds usually have broad tongues.

Half of being smart is knowing what you are dumb at.

Legend: a lie that has attained the dignity of age.

Seen it all, done it all, can’t remember most of it.

If at first you don’t succeed, try, try again. Then quit. There’s no use being a damned fool about it.

Perhaps you’re diagonally parked in a parallel universe?

In a Copenhagen airline ticket office: We take your bags and send them in all directions.

Promises are like babies: fun to make, but hell to deliver.

I work hard because millions on welfare depend on me.

There is no such thing as an underestimate of average intelligence

“If carrots are so good for the eyes, how come I see so many dead rabbits on the highway?”

Tell me what you need, and I’ll tell you how to get along without it.

“I would like to live in Manchester, England. The transition between Manchester and death would be unnoticeable”. — Mark Twain

“He has been given a large brain by mistake, since for him the spinal cord would fully suffice.” — Albert Einstein

You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.

If you can’t beat your computer at chess, try kickboxing.

On the keyboard of life, always keep one finger on the escape key.

Everything is possible; just not too probable.

According to recent study someone is run over by a car every 5 minutes in the city. You’d think the guy would have enough sense to get out of the street.

Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way when you criticize them, you are a mile away from them and you have their shoes.

A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a train stops. On my desk I have a workstation...

This Would Be Really Funny If It Weren’t Happening To Me.

I often quote myself; it adds spice to my conversation.

I intend to live forever – so far, so good.

Never put off until tomorrow what you can avoid altogether.

Latest survey shows that 3 out of 4 people make up 75% of the world’s population.

Once, during prohibition, I was forced to live for days on nothing but food and water.

Never underestimate the power of very stupid people in large groups.

Just because you’re not paranoid doesn’t mean they’re not out to get you.

Work expands to fill the time available. — PARKINSON’S LAW

When in trouble, fear or doubt, run in circles, scream and shout.

Madness takes its toll. Please have exact change.

Proofread carefully to see if you any words out.

I think animal testing is a terrible idea; they get all nervous and give the wrong answers.

Why don’t you ever see the headline “Psychic Wins Lottery”?

I’ve been trying for some time to develop a life style that doesn’t require my presence.

To define recursion, we must first define recursion.

Borrow money from pessimists- they don’t expect to get it back.

Every time I look at you I get a fierce desire to be lonesome.

Why is it that doctors call what they do “practice”?

My husband says I never listen to him (at least I think that’s what he said)

I tried sniffing Coke once, but the ice cubes got stuck in my nose.

Energizer Bunny arrested: Charged with battery.

“Life is a waste of time, time is a waste of life, so get wasted all of the time and have the time of your life”. — Tom Waits

I majored in liberal arts. Will that be for here or to go?

All my life, I always wanted to be somebody. Now I see that I should have been more specific.

Just because your head is the biggest doesn’t mean it contains the right ideas.

Computers make it easy to do a lot of things, but most of the things that make it easier to do don’t need to be done.

“They say hard work never hurt anybody, but I figure why take the chance.” – Ronald Reagan

“I’ve noticed that everyone who is for abortion has already been born.” – Ronald Reagan

The more time you spend in reporting on what you are doing, the less time you have to do it in. Stability is achieved when you spend all your time doing nothing but reporting on the nothing you are doing.

Whenever people agree with me, I always feel I must be wrong.

You have to stay in shape. My grandmother, she started walking five miles a day when she was 60. She’s 97 today and we don’t know where the hell she is.

What hair color do they put on the driver’s licenses of bald men?

A pessimist is a man who has been compelled to live with an optimist

“Oh dear,” said God, “I hadn’t thought of that,” and promptly vanished in a puff of logic.

Marriage is not a word; it is a sentence.

Stupidity is not a handicap! Park somewhere else!

Am I getting smart with you? How would you know?

An egotist is a person of low taste—more interested in himself than in me.

Where there’s a will, I want to be in it.

Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?

I used to think I was indecisive, but now I’m not sure.

The dictionary is the only place where success comes before work.

I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.

The sooner you fall behind the more time you’ll have to catch up.

If trees could scream, would we be so cavalier about cutting them down? We might, if they screamed all the time, for no good reason.

“I have never let my schooling interfere with my education.”—Mark Twain

I get enough exercise just pushing my luck.

Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying of nothing.

Maybe I’m lucky to be going so slowly, because I may be going in the wrong direction.

Prediction is extremely difficult. Especially about the future.

Half of the people in the world are below average.

Man who eat many prunes get good run for money.

Macho Law prohibits me from admitting I’m wrong.

If it weren’t for electricity we’d all be watching television by candlelight?

How do I set a laser printer to stun?

My favorite mythical creature? The honest politician.

Make three correct guesses consecutively and you will establish yourself as an expert.

If a President doesn’t do it to his wife, he’ll do it to his country.

I got a job at a bakery because I kneaded dough.

If it weren’t for the last minute, nothing would ever get done.

Succeed in spite of management. Aim Low; Reach Your Goals, Avoid Disappointment.

A person who smiles in the face of adversity... probably has a scapegoat.

I had amnesia once or twice.

I stayed up all night to see where the sun went. Then it dawned on me.

Doctor, Doctor You’ve got to help me – I just can’t stop my hands shaking. Do you drink a lot? Not really – I spill most of it!

“Reader, suppose you were an idiot. And suppose you were a member of Congress. But I repeat myself”. — Mark Twain

If people concentrated on the really important things in life, there’d be a shortage of fishing poles.

Best way to get a man to do something, is to suggest they are too old for it.

An Irish man was driving to the airport when he saw a sign saying ‘Airport – Left’... So he went home.

Killed - Personality Incompatibility

For Sale: Parachute. Only used once, never opened, small stain.

A guy got arrested for playing the guitar. He was fingering a minor.

It is wiser to find out than to suppose.—Mark Twain

Does your train of thought have a caboose?

Being a philosopher, I have a problem for every solution.

I don’t have a solution but I admire the problem.

I am not a vegetarian because I love animals; I am a vegetarian because I hate plants.

Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.

Support bacteria – they’re the only culture some people have.

Politicians are people who, when they see the light at the end of the tunnel, go out and buy more tunnel.

If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?

A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat.

Two strings walk into a bar. The first string says to the bartender, “Bartender, I’ll have a beer. u.5n$x5t?*&4ru!2[sACCErJ”. The second string says, “Pardon my friend, he isn’t NULL terminated”.

Just remember... if the world didn’t suck, we’d all fall off.

Where do you find an Irish woodworm? Dead inside a brick.

Lots of people know a good thing the minute the other fellow sees it first.

It’s not that I’m afraid to die; I just don’t want to be there when it happens.

Comedy is tragedy plus time.

Be kind to your dentist. He has fillings, too.

I envy people who drink – at least they know what to blame everything on.

He who smiles in a crisis has found someone to blame.

“On two occasions I have been asked [by members of Parliament!]: ‘Pray, Mr. Babbage, if you put into the machine wrong figures, will the right answers come out ?’ I am not able rightly to apprehend the kind of confusion of ideas that could provoke such a question.” — Charles Babbage.

I haven’t spoken to my wife for 18 months: I don’t like to interrupt her.

Warning: Dates in Calendar are closer than they appear.

Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy.

Constipated People Don’t Give A Crap.

“When you starve with a tiger, the tiger starves last”. — Griffin’s Thought

In the beginning, there was nothing. Then God said, “Let there be light,” and there was still nothing, but you could see it.

I have the body of a GOD – Buddha.

Cab drivers are living proof that practice does not make perfect.

Man shoots neighbour with machete [The Miami Herald, July 3]

That which cannot be taken apart will fall apart.

Before marriage, a man yearns for the woman he loves. After marriage, the ‘Y’ becomes silent.

Pardon my driving, I am reloading.

I don’t approve of political jokes... I’ve seen too many of them get elected.

I’m in no shape to exercise.

I think that’s how Chicago got started. A bunch of people in New York said, “Gee, I’m enjoying the crime and the poverty, but it just isn’t cold enough. Let’s go west.”—Richard Jeni

Take my advice, I don’t use it anyway.

You’ll never get to heaven if you’re scared of getting high.

The world is full of willing people; some willing to work, the rest willing to let them.

“I believe in equality for everyone, except reporters and photographers”. — Gandhi

My schoolmates would make love to anything that moved, but I never saw any reason to limit myself.

We spend the first twelve months of our children’s lives teaching them to walk and talk and the next twelve telling them to sit down and shut up.

The short fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.

I am a nobody, nobody is perfect, therefore I’m perfect.

Solitude is fine, but you need someone to tell you that solitude is fine.

Eagles may soar, but weasels don’t get sucked into jet engines.

The trouble with life is there’s no background music.

Snowmen fall from Heaven unassembled.

Jokes about German sausage are the wurst.

Everybody is ignorant, only on different subjects.

I am free of all prejudices. I hate everyone equally.

Accept that some days you’re the pigeon, and some days you’re the statue.

Confidence is the feeling you have before you understand the situation

“How come we choose from just two people to run for president and 50 for Miss America?”

It is a small world, but I wouldn’t like to have to paint it.

I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.

Anything not nailed down is a cat toy.

What if there were no hypothetical questions?

Man who drive like hell bound to get there.

I have gone to look for myself, if I should return before I get back, keep me here.

Why is the third hand on the watch called a second hand?

I arise in the morning torn between a desire to improve the world and a desire to enjoy the world. This makes it hard to plan the day.

Roses are red, Violets are blue. In Soviet Russia, Poems write you.

Connection Reset - Insufficient Electrons

Five out of four people have trouble with fractions.

I am amazed at radio DJ’s today. I am firmly convinced that AM on my radio stands for Absolute Moron. I will not begin to tell you what FM stands for.

If you do not make dust, you eat dust.

If olive oil comes from olives, where does baby oil come from?

Get a new car for your spouse – it’ll be a great trade!

Applying computer technology is simply finding the right wrench to pound in the correct screw.

System Error - Windows Loaded

It used to be only death and taxes were inevitable. Now, of course, there’s shipping and handling, too.

I generally avoid temptation unless I can’t resist it.

If you try and don’t succeed, cheat. Repeat until caught. Then lie.

Everyone needs belief in something. I believe I’ll have another beer.

Is there life before death?

Friends may come and go, but enemies accumulate

How do you spot an Irishman at a carwash? He’s the one on the bike.

Time flies like an arrow – fruit flies like a banana.

Before you give a colleague a piece of your mind, be sure you can spare it.

I don’t enjoy computer jokes; not one bit.

“My computer NEVER loc

Marathon runners with bad footwear suffer the agony of defeat.

Eat a live toad first thing in the morning, and nothing worse can happen to you the rest of the day.

Everybody has a photographic memory. Some don’t have film.

Man does not live by words alone, despite the fact that sometimes he has to eat them.

In this world, nothing is certain but death and taxes. – Benjamin Franklin

In democracy it’s your vote that counts. In feudalism it’s your count that votes.

Venison for dinner again? Oh deer!

A bird in the hand is safer than one overhead.

The truth is a precious commodity. That’s why I use it so sparingly.

The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.

A team effort is a lot of people doing what I say

It’s important to be open-minded, but not SO open-minded that your brains fall out.

I have noticed that the people who are late are often so much jollier that the people who have to wait for them.

In a Budapest zoo: Please do not feed the animals. If you have any suitable food, give it to the guard on duty.

Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.

Age always corresponds inversely to the size of your multivitamin.

Blessed are those who can laugh at themselves, they will never cease to be amused.

We waste time, so you don’t have to.

One good turn gets most of the blankets.

Any task worth doing was worth doing yesterday.

Consciousness: that annoying time between naps.

A drop of ink may make a million think.

You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They left a little note on the windscreen, it said ‘Parking Fine.’

I used to be a banker, but then I lost interest.

Bacteria: the only culture some people have.

“You have to be careful about being too careful” – Beryl Pfizer

Anywhere is walking distance, if you’ve got the time.

When all other means of communication fail, try words.

Men have a much better time of it than women; for one thing, they marry later; for another thing they die earlier.

AIBOHPHOBIA – the fear of palindromes.

The trouble with jogging is that, by the time you realise you’re not in shape for it, it’s far too far to walk back.

He who trains his tongue to quote the learned sages, will be known far and wide as a smart ass.

If you can’t convince them, confuse them.

“The object of war is not to die for your country but to make the other bastard die for his.” – General George Patton

I can resist everything except temptation.

What happens if you get scared half to death twice?

The early bird gets the worm, but the early worm gets eaten.

“If women didn’t exist, all the money in the world would have no meaning.” – Aristotle Onassis

Democracy is a government where you can say what you think even if you don’t think.

What does a clock do when it’s hungry? It goes back four seconds.

To B or not to B? *kills the B* I HATE BEES!!!! – LynxofCP

“This report, by its very length, defends itself against the risk of being read”. — Winston Churchill

Next time you wave, use all your fingers.

Arguing on the Internet is like competing in the Special Olympics – even if you win, you are still retarded.

My reality check just bounced.

A hangover is the wrath of grapes.

Save the whales. Collect the whole set.

He’s so lazy. I’ve seen him step into a revolving door and wait.

Heck is where people go who don’t believe in gosh.

I’d explain it to you, but your brain would explode.

The only reason some people get lost in thought is because it’s unfamiliar territory.

At the age of six I wanted to be a cook. At seven I wanted to be Napoleon. And my ambition has been growing steadily ever since.

I guess traffic in the city is improving a little. Yesterday, I drove clear across town and only had to shave twice.

Humour. It is a difficult concept. It is not logical.

People who think they know everything are annoying to those of us who do.

Anyone who told you to be yourself couldn’t have given you worse advice.

If we aren’t supposed to eat animals, why are they made of meat?

Jack and Jill did it for the insurance.

If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?

If you don’t know where you are going, you might wind up someplace else.

Alcohol: the cause of, and solution to, all of life’s problems.

Cluster bombing from B-52s is very, very accurate – the bombs always hit the ground.

Gossip: The art of saying nothing while leaving nothing unsaid.

If life was fair, Elvis would be alive and all the impersonators would be dead.

Needing someone is like needing a parachute. If he isn’t there the first time you need him, chances are you won’t be needing him again.

I used to find him boring until I stopped listening.

My mind not only wanders, sometimes it leaves completely.

If a job is worth doing well get someone else to do it.

This girl said she recognized me from the vegetarian club, but I’d never met herbivore

Bacteria: the only culture some people have.

“Then he ran into my knife. He ran into my knife ten times.” – Chicago

If you’re born again, do you have two bellybuttons?

When you get a bladder infection, urine trouble.

Democracy is the recurrent suspicion that more than half of the people are right more than half of the time.

I stayed up all night to see where the sun went. Then it dawned on me.

A soldier who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran.

I’m quite easy to get along with, once you learn to beckon at my every call and yield to all my desires.

I don’t suffer from stress. I’m a carrier.

Doctor, Doctor I keep getting pains in the eye when I drink coffee. Have you tried taking the spoon out?

Englishmen never will be slaves: they are free to do whatever the Government and public opinion allow them to do.

Quantum: Noun, word used to sound like I know what I’m talking about while discussing physics I’ve never actually studied.

“Inconceivable!” “I do not think that word means what you think it means.”

It is well to remember the entire population of the universe, with one trifling exception, is composed of others.

Plato is dead, Einstein is dead, and I’m not feeling too good myself...

“Every mighty oak was once just a nut who stood his ground.”

A backwards poet writes inverse.

Modesty is a virtue of fools.

System Error - Windows Loaded

One martini is all right, two is too many, and three is not enough.

If vegetable oil comes from vegetables, where does baby oil come from?

Why do we wash bath towels, aren’t we clean when we use them?

History will be kind to me for I intend to write it. – Winston Churchill

The beatings will continue until morale improves.

“There are only two things that are infinite: the universe and human stupidity. And I’m not sure about the universe.” A. Einstein

There’s a fine line between genius and insanity. I have erased this line.

On the other hand you have different fingers.

A study in the Washington Post says that women have better verbal skills than men. I just want to say to the authors of that study: “Duh.”— Conan O’Brien

A dyslexic man walks into a bra.

I either want less corruption, or more chance to participate in it.

If automobiles had followed the same development cycle as the computer, a Rolls Royce would today cost $100, get a million miles per gallon, and explode once a year, killing everyone inside.

I’m sorry; you cannot have an outlook on life because it isn’t responding. Microsoft apologises for any inconvenience.

When life hands you a lemon, make lemonade.

Why does Sea World have a seafood restaurant? I’m halfway through my fish burger and I realize, Oh my gosh... I could be eating a slow learner.

Even paranoids have real enemies.

A great many people think they are thinking when they are merely rearranging their prejudices.

If money talks, it ain’t on speakin’ terms with me.

“Hey, I’ve got reasons for what I’m doing,” REALLY MEANS, “I sure hope I think of some pretty soon.”

The chance of a piece of bread falling with the buttered side down is directly proportional to the cost of the carpet.

Who is General Failure and why is he reading my hard disk?

Well if this is the wrong number, why did you answer it?

Hemp is a herb. Bush is a dope.

“Heavier-than-air flying machines are impossible.” — Lord Kelvin, president, Royal Society, 1895.

I love being married. It’s so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.

You can’t have everything. Where would you put it?

Age is a very high price to pay for maturity.

Does this smell like chloroform to you?

“The best thing about the future is that it comes only one day at a time.” – Abraham Lincoln

Procrastinate Now!

Errors have been made. Others will be blamed.

Don’t use a big word where a diminutive one will suffice.

As a final incentive before giving up a difficult task, try to imagine it successfully accomplished by someone you violently dislike.

Murphy’s Golden Rule: Whoever has the gold makes the rules.

An egotist has one point in his favour – he doesn’t go round talking about other people.

PMS jokes aren’t funny. Period.

Be thankful for problems. If they were less difficult, someone with less ability might have your job.

Never argue with an idiot. They drag you down to their level then beat you with experience.

In the office of a Roman doctor: Specialist in women and other diseases.

When you do not know what you are doing, do it neatly.

If you can’t convince them, confuse them.

If you don’t pay your exorcist you get repossessed.

The human brain is a wonderful thing. It starts working the moment you are born, and never stops until you stand up to speak in public.

It’s bad luck to be superstitious.

Plan to be spontaneous tomorrow.

Money can’t buy happiness, but it sure makes misery easier to live with.

You’re not drunk if you can lie on the floor without holding on.

Some people are going to leave a mark on this world, while others will leave a stain.

If con is the opposite of pro, congress is the opposite of progress.

I didn’t like my beard at first. Then it grew on me.

Man who run in front of car get tired.

Leftists are among the first to speak of their rights.

If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?

Anger is only one letter away from danger.

Men occasionally stumble over the truth, but most of them pick themselves up and hurry off as if nothing had happened. – Winston Churchill

One should forgive one’s enemies, but not before they are hanged.

To err is human – and to blame it on a computer is even more so.

Red Tape Holds Up New Bridge!

If it’s true that we are here to help others, then what exactly are the others here for?

Stupidity is not a handicap. Park elsewhere!

Jokes about German sausage are the wurst.

There are 3 kinds of people: those who can count and those who can’t.

It is said that if you line up all the cars in the world end to end, someone would be stupid enough to try and pass them.

Well, if I called the wrong number, why did you answer the phone?

Sex on television can’t hurt you unless you fall off.

The fellow who thinks he knows it all is especially annoying to those of us who do.

The best computer is a man, and it’s the only one that can be mass-produced by unskilled labour.

I plead contemporary insanity.

“Einstein argued that there must be simplified explanations of nature, because God is not capricious or arbitrary. No such faith comforts the software engineer.” — Fred Brooks.

Laugh at your problems; everybody else does.

For people who like peace and quiet – a phoneless cord.

Work: It isn’t just for sleeping anymore.

Age is an issue of mind over matter. If you don’t mind, it doesn’t matter.

Ever stop to think and forget to start again?

Lord, if you won’t make me skinny, please make all my friends fat.

Youth is a wonderful thing. What a crime to waste it on children.

A diplomatic husband said to his wife, how do you expect me to remember your birthday when you never look any older?

Quantum mechanics: The dreams stuff is made of.

You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say will be misquoted then used against you.

If quizzes are quizzical, what are tests?

Caution – Driver Legally Blonde!

Cheer up, the worst is yet to come.

“I could tell that my parents hated me. My bath toys were a toaster and a radio” — Rodney Dangerfield

Always do sober what you said you’d do drunk. That will teach you to keep your mouth shut.

I majored in liberal arts. Will that be for here or to go?

Progress was all right. Only it went on too long.

99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.

“#define QUESTION ((bb) || !(bb))” — Shakespeare

Did you hear about the cross-eyed teacher who lost her job because she couldn’t control her pupils?

e=mc^2 where m = the number of cooks required to spoil the broth

I’m not afraid of heights, only widths.

Blessed are the young, for they shall inherit the national debt.

I’m reading a book about anti-gravity. I can’t put it down.

Santa’s helpers are subordinate clauses.

Tips for Vegetarians: Hit a chicken enough times and it turns into a vegetable.

Chaos, panic, & disorder – my work here is done.

It’s not true that married men live longer than single men. It only seems longer.

In a Rome laundry: Ladies, leave your clothes here and spend the afternoon having a good time.

I don’t have an attitude problem. You have a perception problem.

From the moment I picked your book up until I laid it down I was convulsed with laughter. Some day I intend reading it.

Slow is when someone laps you in the hundred-yard dash

I used up all my sick days, so I’m calling in dead.

He’s not dead, he’s electroencephalographically challenged.

Sometimes I think the surest sign that intelligent life exists elsewhere in the universe is that none of it has tried to contact us.

If a man opens a car door for a woman, either the car is new or the woman.

Honesty is the best policy, but insanity is a better defence.

“Always be sincere, even when you don’t mean it”. — Irene Peter

Marriage is a three-ring circus: engagement ring, wedding ring, and suffering.

This mind intentionally left blank

A penny saved is a Congressional spending oversight.

Restarting System - Mouse Moved

Don’t talk unless you can improve the silence.

When you come to a fork in the road, take it.

Originality is the fine art of remembering what you hear, but forgetting where you heard it.

Tip the world over on its side and everything loose will land in Los Angeles.

The day I can’t do my job drunk is the day I turn in my badge and gun.

Mind like a steel trap – rusty and illegal in most states.

“You start coding. I’ll go find out what they want.” — Computer analyst to programmer

Youth would be an ideal state if it came a little later in life.

The most powerful force in the universe is gossip.

“Few things are harder to put up with than a good example.”—Mark Twain

“I think there is a world market for maybe five computers.” — Thomas Watson, chairman of IBM, 1943.

A poor excuse is like an old bucket; doesn’t matter what shape it is in, as long as it holds water.

The man who fell into an upholstery machine is fully recovered.

“People who drink light beer don’t like the taste of beer; they just like to pee a lot” — Rodney Dangerfield

The surprising thing about young fools is how many survive to become old fools.

“I’ve been on a calendar but I have never been on time” – Marilyn Monroe

“War does not determine who is right - only who is left.” – Bertrand Russell

“Your mouse has moved. Windows must be restarted for the change to take effect. Reboot now ? [OK]”

What sane person could live in this world and not be crazy?

If we learn by our mistakes, some of us are getting one hell of an education!

Knowledge is the key, but where is the damn lock?

If you’re not wasted, the day is.

Of course, we are all worms—but I like to think, at least, that I am a glow-worm. – Winston Churchill

Love is blind, but marriage is a real eye-opener.

If everything is coming your way, you are probably in the wrong lane.

Anyone can admit they were wrong; the true test is admitting it to someone else.

Smoking cures weight problems...eventually...

Mines are equal opportunity weapons.

“The generation of random numbers is too important to be left to chance.” — Robert R. Coveyou, Oak Ridge National Laboratory.

Love is like an hourglass, with the heart filling up as the brain empties.

How do you get an Irishman to burn his ear? Ring him up while he is ironing.

A bachelor is a man who comes to work from a different direction each morning.

Haunted French pancakes give me the crêpes.

“Banking establishments are more dangerous than standing armies”. — Thomas Jefferson

He often broke into song because he couldn’t find the key.

If you can’t be kind, at least have the decency to be vague.

I wished the buck stopped here, as I could use a few.

If a woman has to choose between catching a fly ball and saving an infant’s life, she will choose to save the infant’s life without even considering if there is a man on base.—Dave Barry

The scientific theory I like best is that the rings of Saturn are composed entirely of lost airline luggage.

The trouble with the rat race is that even if you win, you’re still a rat.

I Haven’t Lost My Mind, It’s Backed Up On Disk Somewhere.

One of the greatest labour-saving inventions today is tomorrow.

“Are you going to come quietly, or do I have to use earplugs?”—Vale Spike Milligan

Even crime wouldn’t pay if the government ran it.

Don’t marry for money. You can borrow it cheaper.

“A girl phoned me the other day and said... Come on over, there’s nobody home. I went over. Nobody was home” — Rodney Dangerfield

If I were two-faced, would I be wearing this one?

“I have left orders to be awakened at any time in case of national emergency – even if I’m in a Cabinet meeting.” – Ronald Reagan

“I wish everyone was peaceful. Then I could take over the planet with a butter knife”—Dogbert

Always remember you’re unique, just like everyone else.

Lead us not into temptation. Just tell us where it is; we’ll find it.

There’s a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot.

Bachelors know more about women than married men; if they didn’t they’d be married too.

A dog that attends a flea circus most likely will steal the whole show.

“Thinking is the hardest work there is, which is probably why so few engage in it”. — Henry Ford

How Many Roads Must A Man Travel Down Before He Admits He Is Lost?

This guy walks into a bar and the barman says “Ouch, that must have hurt”

Don’t stop to stomp on ants when the elephants are stampeding.

It is a fitting irony that under Richard Nixon, ‘launder’ became a dirty word.

I like to start my periods with sentences.

We Quit Voting Will They All Go Away?

“When in doubt tell the truth.”—Mark Twain

When you are arguing with an idiot, make sure the other person isn’t doing the same thing.

Abel Tasman on discovering Tasmania, “Too far south for spices and too close to the rim of the earth to be inhabited by anything but freaks and monsters”

It’s just a job. Grass grows, birds fly, waves pound the sand. I just beat people up. – Muhammad Ali

I’m out of my mind, but feel free to leave a message.

Never put both feet in your mouth at the same time, because then you don’t have a leg to stand on.

My life has a superb cast but I can’t figure out the plot.

Only a fool is astonished by the foolishness of humankind.

In the beginning, God created earth and rested. Then God created man and rested. Then God created woman. Since then, neither God nor man has rested.

I heard a man say that brigands demand your money or your life, whereas women require both.

Some people are alive only because it’s illegal to kill them.

Age is a question of mind over matter. If you don’t mind, it don’t matter.

I have had more trouble with myself than with any other man I’ve met.

There’s a difference between being open-minded and having a hole in your head

Hope sees the invisible, feels the intangible and achieves the impossible.

Everybody is somebody else’s weirdo.

“I worked in a pet shop and people kept asking how big I’d get” — Rodney Dangerfield

Having more money doesn’t make you happier. I have 50 million dollars but I’m just as happy as when I had 48 million. ~ Arnold Schwarzenegger.

I don’t like people who take drugs... Customs Officers for example.

Broken pencils are pointless.

Someone sent me a postcard picture of the earth. On the back it said, “Wish you were here.”

Early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.

Help Wanted: Telepath. You know where to apply.

If at first you don’t succeed, try management.

There are only three kinds of people; people who can count and people who can’t.

Make sure your mind isn’t so open that your brains fall out.

Birthdays are good for you. Statistics show that the people who have the most live the longest.

“As a matter of fact” is an expression that precedes many an expression that isn’t.

I love cats – they taste just like chicken.

Brain: an apparatus with which we think we think.

“You can always count on Americans to do the right thing—after they’ve tried everything else” – Winston Churchill

Somewhere on this globe, every ten seconds, is a woman giving birth to a child. She must be found and stopped.

I’m desperately trying to figure out why kamikaze pilots wore helmets.

When your IQ reaches 80 –– sell.

Sheep don’t fly so much as plummet.

If at first you don’t succeed, destroy all the evidence that you tried.

A procrastinator’s work is never done.

There are very few personal problems that cannot be solved through a suitable application of high explosives.

“I’d rather have a bottle in front of me, than a frontal lobotomy”. — Tom Waits

My mind works like lightning. One brilliant flash and it is gone.

It is hard to understand how a cemetery raised its burial charges and blamed it on the cost of living.

I don’t want to achieve immortality through my work. I want to achieve immortality through not dying.

You have the right to your opinions. I just don’t want to hear them.

I’m an idealist: I don’t know where I’m going, but I’m on my way.

“This ‘telephone’ has too many shortcomings to be seriously considered as a means of communication.” — Western Union internal memo, 1876.

All the toilets in New York’s police stations have been stolen. The police have nothing to go on.

Hang in there; retirement is only thirty years away.

Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.

If you don’t know why I’m mad at you, then I’m certainly not going to tell you

“If builders built buildings the way programmers write programs, then the first woodpecker that came along would destroy civilization” — Weinberg’s Second Law.

I have a simple philosophy. Fill what’s empty. Empty what’s full. Scratch where it itches.

Every morning is the dawn of a new error.

Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

I like kids, but I don’t think I could eat a whole one.

Never go to a doctor whose office plants have died.

Cole’s Law: Thinly sliced cabbage.

I take everything I can for my kleptomania.

Man who run behind car get exhausted.

So Many Pedestrians – So Little Time.

Don’t take life too seriously—you’ll never get out of it alive.

What’s the definition of a will? (It’s a dead giveaway).

On a tombstone: I TOLD YOU I WAS SICK

Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don’t.

I married Miss Right. I just didn’t know her first name was Always.

It doesn’t matter what temperature the room is; it’s always room temperature.

Mental Floss prevents Moral Decay.

How can you come out of a closet if you never went in there in the first place?

One good thing about repeating your mistakes is that you know when to cringe.

Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?

I’m not dumb; I just have a command of thoroughly useless information.

How do you know if a fish is Irish? It has drowned.

I know a guy who is addicted to brake fluid. He says he can stop anytime.

All men are equal. Some are just more equal than others.

The earthquake in Washington obviously was the government’s fault.

If puns were outlawed, only outlaws would have puns.

A baby sitter is a teenager acting like an adult while the adults are out acting like teenagers.

In a Norwegian cocktail lounge: Ladies are requested not to have children in the bar.

If at first you do succeed, try to hide your astonishment.


Compromise: the art of dividing a cake so that everybody believes he or she got the biggest piece.

The difference between a stepping-stone and a stumbling block can be when you see it.

“I am not worried about the deficit. It is big enough to take care of itself.” – Ronald Reagan

I thought I made a mistake once, but I was wrong.

I’d like to see things your way, but I’m looking in another direction.

When I was a boy I was told that anybody could become president; I’m beginning to believe it.

Don’t use a big word where a diminutive one will suffice.

A day without sun shine is like, you know, night.

If you’re not confused, you’re not paying attention.

Last night I lay in bed looking up at the stars in the sky and I thought to myself, “Where the heck is the ceiling?”

A cartoonist was found dead in his home. Details are sketchy.

Most vegetarians look so much like the food they eat that they can be classified as cannibals.

Outside of a dog, a book is probably man’s best friend, and inside of a dog, it’s too dark to read.

I couldn’t repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.

Marriage changes passion... suddenly you’re in bed with a relative.

Pick your friends but not to pieces.

No problem is so big and complicated that it can’t be ran away from.

Why is it called tourist season if we can’t shoot at them?

There are three ways to get something done: do it yourself, hire someone, or forbid your kids to do it.

Military intelligence is a contradiction in terms.

What do you call a dinosaur with an extensive vocabulary? A thesaurus.

The light at the end of the tunnel has been turned off due to budget cuts.

Conscience is the inner voice warning us that someone may be looking.

We’ve made great medical progress in the last generation. What used to be merely an itch is now an allergy.

I am obviously right, and as you disagree with me, then logically you must be wrong.

Being single is like a vacuum. It sucks when you are turned on.

Everybody is ignorant, only on different subjects.

If it’s 0 degrees today and it’s going to be twice as cold tomorrow... how cold will it be?

Partying... oops No Only Parting... sorry

To succeed in politics, it is often necessary to rise above your principles.

Some people are alive only because it’s illegal to kill them.

Under capitalism, man exploits man. Under Communism, it’s just the opposite.

One day I will get this peer guy and reset his connection.

If someone with multiple personalities threatens suicide... is it considered a hostage situation?

Wine divulges truth.

111,111,111 x 111,111,111 = 12,345,678,987,654,321

If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?

Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian any more than going to the garage makes you a car.

The dumber people think you are, the more surprised they’re going to be when you kill them—Rodney Dangerfield

Horn broken. Watch for finger. (on bumper sticker)

I spent most of my money on booze, drugs and women... The rest I wasted!

England has no kidney bank, but it does have a Liverpool.

When a clock is hungry, it goes back four seconds.

If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?

A clean tie attracts the soup of the day.

The amount of work to be done increases in proportion to the amount of work already completed. — VAIL’S SECOND AXIOM

Whenever there is any doubt, there is no doubt.

How did Moses make his tea? Hebrews it.

When he first ran for office, he appealed to the voters: “I never stole anything in my life. All I ask is a chance.”

Honest criticism is hard to take, particularly from a relative, a friend, an acquaintance, or a stranger.

Everything you like is bad for you in some way.

To find out a girl’s faults, praise her to her girl friends.

Advertisement for donkey rides in Thailand: Would you like to ride on your own ass?

It’s strange, isn’t it. You stand in the middle of a library and go aaaaagghhhh’ and everyone just stares at you. But you do the same thing on an aeroplane, and everyone joins in.

I like children. Properly cooked.

Anything not nailed down is mine. Anything I can pry loose is not nailed down.

Hard work never killed anybody but why take the chance?

I hope that after I die, people will say of me: “That guy sure owed me a lot of money.”

If ever I get married again it would have to be under an anaesthetic.

If I’d known I was going to live this long, I’d have taken better care of myself.

Sometimes I wake up grumpy; other times I let her sleep

A bird does not sing because it has an answer—it sings because it has a song.

I have spent my whole life looking for the perfect woman, and now I’ve found her. Too bad she’s looking for the perfect man.

The number of people watching you is directly proportional to the stupidity of your action.

Nick Overruled - Democratic Majority Decision

Time’s fun when you’re having flies... Kermit the Frog

Good judgement comes from experience. Experience comes from bad judgement.

Some people say that I must be a horrible person, but that’s not true. I have the heart of a young boy – in a jar on my desk.

Any ship can be a minesweeper... once.

If sex is such a natural phenomenon, how come there are so many books on how to do it.

The doctor can bury his mistakes but an architect can only advise his client to plant vines.

I did a theatrical performance about puns. It was a play on words.

I’m an apathetic sociopath – I’d kill you if I cared.

“Everyday I beat my own previous record for number of consecutive days I’ve stayed alive.”

Genius is 1% inspiration, and 99% perspiration.

I used to be apathetic, but now I don’t give a damn.

“There is no reason anyone would want a computer in their home.” — Ken Olson, founder of Digital Equipment Corp., 1977.

When angry count four, when very angry, swear.

In elementary school, in case of fire, you have to line up quietly in a single file line from smallest to tallest. What is the logic? Do tall people burn slower?

I took a speed reading course and read ‘War and Peace’ in twenty minutes. It involves Russia. Enough women for four.

My girlfriend told me I should be more affectionate. So I got two more girlfriends.

Streakers beware: Your end is in sight.

Men don’t care what’s on TV. They only care what else is on TV.

Climbers aim for the summit because it is there. Bungi jumpers dive off the top because they aren’t all there.

A bargain is something you don’t need at a price you can’t resist.

Programmer – A red-eyed, mumbling mammal capable of conversing with inanimate objects.

Women like silent men. They think they’re listening.

Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

The second day of a diet is alway easier than the first. By the second day, you’re off it.

Instead of getting married again, I’m going to find a woman I don’t like and just give her a house.—Rod Stewart

Laughing stock: cattle with a sense of humour.

I’ve always wanted to be normal, but lately I’ve come to suspect that this is it.

What do you call a dinosaur with an extensive vocabulary? A thesaurus.

Confidence is the feeling you have before you understand the situation.

The most precious thing we have is life. Yet it has absolutely no trade-in value.

I always wanted to be somebody, but I should have been more specific.

I’d give my right arm to be ambidextrous.

If you think nobody cares if you’re alive, try missing a couple of car payments.

I’m not into working out. My philosophy: No pain, no pain.

Despite the cost of living it’s still very popular.

They say if you play a Microsoft CD backwards you hear satanic messages. That’s nothing, if you play it forwards it installs Windows.

This comment is printed on 100% recycled electrons.

A conclusion is simply the place where you got tired of thinking.

If we don’t succeed, we run the risk of failure.

Smith & Wesson — the original point and click interface.

An army of deer led by a lion is more to be feared than an army of lions led by a deer.

A conscience does not prevent sin. It only prevents you from enjoying it.

Years ago fairy tales began with “Once upon a time...” Now it’s “If I am elected...”

IRS: We’ve got what it takes to take what you’ve got.

A committee is a body that keeps minutes and wastes hours.

It’s not hard to meet expenses, they’re everywhere.

I used to be a Kleptomaniac, But now I’m taking something for it

I changed my iPod’s name to Titanic. It’s syncing now.

Be nice to your kids. They’ll choose your nursing home.

How do you sink an Irish Submarine? Knock on the hatch.

Impotence: Nature’s Way Of Saying “No Hard Feelings”.

I had some words with my wife, and she had some paragraphs with me.

If the world should blow itself up, the last audible voice would be that of an expert saying it can’t be done.

What’s another word for Thesaurus?

Shin: a device for finding furniture in the dark.

Some pain is physical, and some is mental, but one that’s both is dental.

When I was young, I could remember anything. Whether it happened or not.

If you choke a smurf, what colour does it turn?

Get even – live long enough to be a problem to your kids.

I hate women because they always know where things are.

Life is complex: it has real and imaginary parts.

Remember half the people you know are below average.

Always try to be modest and be proud of it!

Men’s faults are many, women have only two. Everything they say, and everything they do.

I installed a skylight in my apartment. The people who live above me are furious.

I think, therefore I am single.

I wondered why the baseball was getting bigger. Then it hit me.

Acupuncture is a jab well done.

Artificial Intelligence is no match for Natural Stupidity.

Ours is a world where people don’t know what they want and are willing to go through hell to get it.

By the time a man realises that his father was right, he has a son who thinks he’s wrong.

Life... I don’t get it...

I tried to photograph the fog, but I mist.

Authority makes some people grow – and others just swell.

It is not what a teenager knows that bothers his parents. It is how he found out.

It’s hard to face the problem, when the problem is your face.

You look like a million dollars. All green and wrinkled.

Bigamy is having one wife too many. Monogamy is the same. – Oscar Wilde

How do you keep an Irishman busy? Write P.T.O on both sides of a piece of paper.

Laugh and the world laughs with you; snore and you sleep alone.

I have great faith in fools; my friends call it self-confidence.

There is nothing so annoying as to have two people go right on talking when you’re interrupting.

The sooner you fall behind the more time you’ll have to catch up.

I don’t meet competition. I crush it

It is even harder for the average ape to believe that he has descended from man.

Shin: a device for finding furniture in the dark.

Velcro — what a rip off!

We have two ends. One for sitting and one for thinking. Our success depends on which one we use most.

My parents stayed together for forty years, but that was out of spite.

Brilliant, but with the social skills of a thermonuclear device.

Technology is a way of organizing the universe so that man doesn’t have to experience it.

Foolproof systems don’t take into account the ingenuity of fools.

Remember... Marriage is the number one cause of divorce. Statistically, 100% of all divorces started with marriage.

At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be “What is hell?” Come early and listen to our choir practice.

I thought I wanted a career, turns out I just wanted paychecks.

You can say any foolish thing to a dog, and the dog will give you a look that says, “My God, you’re right! I never would’ve thought of that!”

If you don’t know where you are going, you will wind up somewhere else.

Plagiarism saves time.

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