Amusing Quotes & One-Liners — Ned Martin’s Amused

Amusing Quotes & One-Liners

Did you hear about the cross-eyed teacher who lost her job because she couldn’t control her pupils?

If at first you do succeed, try to hide your astonishment.

I’m sorry; you cannot have an outlook on life because it isn’t responding. Microsoft apologises for any inconvenience.

Some people are alive only because it’s illegal to kill them.

To err is human – and to blame it on a computer is even more so.

Laughing stock: cattle with a sense of humour.

They told me I had type A blood, but it was a Type O

Age always corresponds inversely to the size of your multivitamin.

Character is what you are in the dark.

If you don’t know why I’m mad at you, then I’m certainly not going to tell you

How do you sink an Irish Submarine? Knock on the hatch.

It is a small world, but I wouldn’t like to have to paint it.

Man who eat many prunes get good run for money.

Anger is only one letter away from danger.

Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy.

Be kind to your dentist. He has fillings, too.

The trouble with our times is that the future is not what it used to be.

“People who drink light beer don’t like the taste of beer; they just like to pee a lot” — Rodney Dangerfield

Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way when you criticize them, you are a mile away from them and you have their shoes.

Applying computer technology is simply finding the right wrench to pound in the correct screw.

Cluster bombing from B-52s is very, very accurate – the bombs always hit the ground.

Make sure your mind isn’t so open that your brains fall out.

Everything you like is bad for you in some way.

How can you come out of a closet if you never went in there in the first place?

Years ago fairy tales began with “Once upon a time...” Now it’s “If I am elected...”

A bargain is something you don’t need at a price you can’t resist.

A diplomatic husband said to his wife, how do you expect me to remember your birthday when you never look any older?

Money can’t buy happiness, but it sure makes misery easier to live with.

Consciousness: that annoying time between naps.

To find out a girl’s faults, praise her to her girl friends.

Good judgement comes from experience. Experience comes from bad judgement.

Abel Tasman on discovering Tasmania, “Too far south for spices and too close to the rim of the earth to be inhabited by anything but freaks and monsters”

Age is a very high price to pay for maturity.

“I’ve noticed that everyone who is for abortion has already been born.” – Ronald Reagan

It has recently been discovered that research causes cancer in rats.

Murphy’s Golden Rule: Whoever has the gold makes the rules.

“Heavier-than-air flying machines are impossible.” — Lord Kelvin, president, Royal Society, 1895.

It’s easy to quit smoking... I’ve done it over 10,000 times.

He’s so lazy. I’ve seen him step into a revolving door and wait.

Chipped dishes never break.

Am I getting smart with you? How would you know?

Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7th of your life.

“This report, by its very length, defends itself against the risk of being read”. — Winston Churchill

“The best thing about the future is that it comes only one day at a time.” – Abraham Lincoln

There are 3 kinds of people: those who can count and those who can’t.

Acupuncture is a jab well done.

The only perfect science is hindsight.

INDECISION is the key to FLEXIBILITY.

Two signs from a Majorcan shop entrance: English well speaking / Here speeching American.

Remember half the people you know are below average.

“Are you going to come quietly, or do I have to use earplugs?”—Vale Spike Milligan

Sex on television can’t hurt you unless you fall off.

Just because your head is the biggest doesn’t mean it contains the right ideas.

Next time you wave, use all your fingers.

You’re such an inspiration for the way I’ll never choose to be.

Vote for the man who promises least; he’ll be the least disappointing.

Horn broken. Watch for finger. (on bumper sticker)

If you can stay calm, while all around you is chaos... then you probably haven’t completely understood the situation.

Don’t use a big word where a diminutive one will suffice.

“The object of war is not to die for your country but to make the other bastard die for his.” – General George Patton

We’ve made great medical progress in the last generation. What used to be merely an itch is now an allergy.

If we aren’t supposed to eat animals, why are they made of meat?

IRS: We’ve got what it takes to take what you’ve got.

I have a simple philosophy. Fill what’s empty. Empty what’s full. Scratch where it itches.

The trouble with life is there’s no background music.

We are going on a field trip to the Coca-Cola factory. I hope there are no pop quizzes.

“The web is a dominatrix. Every where I turn, I see little buttons ordering me to Submit.” — Nytwind.

Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.

“How come we choose from just two people to run for president and 50 for Miss America?”

If life was fair, Elvis would be alive and all the impersonators would be dead.

I love cats – they taste just like chicken.

Shin: a device for finding furniture in the dark.

I always wanted to be a procrastinator, never got around to it though.

Marriage changes passion... suddenly you’re in bed with a relative.

Climbers aim for the summit because it is there. Bungi jumpers dive off the top because they aren’t all there.

If you’re not wasted, the day is.

Anywhere is walking distance, if you’ve got the time.

“My computer NEVER loc

Being single is like a vacuum. It sucks when you are turned on.

A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat.

“As a matter of fact” is an expression that precedes many an expression that isn’t.

You look like a million dollars. All green and wrinkled.

If you can’t convince them, confuse them.

If you try and don’t succeed, cheat. Repeat until caught. Then lie.

“A patriot must always be ready to defend his country against his government”. — Edward Abbey

I love deadlines. I especially like the whooshing sound they make as they go flying by.

I used to think I was indecisive, but now I’m not sure.

I live in my own little world, but it’s ok they know me here.

A study in the Washington Post says that women have better verbal skills than men. I just want to say to the authors of that study: “Duh.”— Conan O’Brien

“I think there is a world market for maybe five computers.” — Thomas Watson, chairman of IBM, 1943.

Isn’t having a smoking section in a restaurant like having a peeing section in a swimming pool?

I like children. Properly cooked.

I took a speed reading course and read ‘War and Peace’ in twenty minutes. It involves Russia. Enough women for four.

Eat a live toad first thing in the morning, and nothing worse can happen to you the rest of the day.

The light at the end of the tunnel has been turned off due to budget cuts.

As a final incentive before giving up a difficult task, try to imagine it successfully accomplished by someone you violently dislike.

It’s just a job. Grass grows, birds fly, waves pound the sand. I just beat people up. – Muhammad Ali

Smoking cures weight problems...eventually...

If a President doesn’t do it to his wife, he’ll do it to his country.

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“They say hard work never hurt anybody, but I figure why take the chance.” – Ronald Reagan

Everyone hates me because I’m paranoid.

I work hard because millions on welfare depend on me.

When you come to a fork in the road, take it.

Optimists believe we live on the greatest world. Pessimists believe this is true.

If automobiles had followed the same development cycle as the computer, a Rolls Royce would today cost $100, get a million miles per gallon, and explode once a year, killing everyone inside.

If the French were really intelligent, they’d speak English.

The difference between a stepping-stone and a stumbling block can be when you see it.

Democracy is a government where you can say what you think even if you don’t think.

Life is far too important to be taken seriously.

Eschew obfuscation.

Better to remain silent and be thought a fool, than to speak and remove all doubt.

Be careful when reading health books; you may die of a misprint.

When angry count four, when very angry, swear.

Best way to get a man to do something, is to suggest they are too old for it.

A bird in the hand is safer than one overhead.

If you don’t learn to laugh at troubles, you won’t have anything to laugh at when you grow old.

This girl said she recognized me from the vegetarian club, but I’d never met herbivore

There are two types of people in this world, good and bad. The good sleep better, but the bad seem to enjoy the waking hours much more.

They say you only use ten percent of your brain. What about the other ten?

If it weren’t for the last minute, nothing would ever get done.

Laugh at your problems; everybody else does.

Bachelors know more about women than married men; if they didn’t they’d be married too.

Early to rise, early to bed, makes a man healthy but socially dead.

“How can a president not be an actor?” – when asked “How could an actor become president?” – Ronald Reagan

There are 10 types of people in the world: Those who understand binary, and those who don’t.

The only reason some people get lost in thought is because it’s unfamiliar territory.

What happens if you get scared half to death twice?

Partying... oops No Only Parting... sorry

Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

I spent most of my money on booze, drugs and women... The rest I wasted!

I married my wife for her looks... but not the ones she’s been giving me lately!

It is said that if you line up all the cars in the world end to end, someone would be stupid enough to try and pass them.

No problem is so big and complicated that it can’t be ran away from.

If at first you don’t succeed, try, try again. Then quit. There’s no use being a damned fool about it.

Leftists are among the first to speak of their rights.

“When you starve with a tiger, the tiger starves last”. — Griffin’s Thought

Time’s fun when you’re having flies... Kermit the Frog

“Always be sincere, even when you don’t mean it”. — Irene Peter

An egotist is a person of low taste—more interested in himself than in me.

Age is an issue of mind over matter. If you don’t mind, it doesn’t matter.

Sometimes I think the surest sign that intelligent life exists elsewhere in the universe is that none of it has tried to contact us.

This guy walks into a bar and the barman says “Ouch, that must have hurt”

I Haven’t Lost My Mind, It’s Backed Up On Disk Somewhere.

Whenever I feel like exercise, I lie down until the feeling passes.

Time is a great teacher, but unfortunately it kills all its pupils.

Take my advice, I don’t use it anyway.

I Refuse To Have A Battle Of Wits With An Unarmed Person.

I was at a bar nursing a beer. My nipple was getting quite soggy.

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A procrastinator’s work is never done.

How do I set a laser printer to stun?

This comment is printed on 100% recycled electrons.

I love work; it fascinates me; I can sit and watch it for hours.

I have had more trouble with myself than with any other man I’ve met.

Snowmen fall from Heaven unassembled.

Stupidity is not a handicap! Park somewhere else!

I don’t necessarily agree with everything I say.

Don’t stop to stomp on ants when the elephants are stampeding.

An egotist has one point in his favour – he doesn’t go round talking about other people.

A day without sun shine is like, you know, night.

They say if you play a Microsoft CD backwards you hear satanic messages. That’s nothing, if you play it forwards it installs Windows.

Why do we wash bath towels, aren’t we clean when we use them?

What’s the definition of a will? (It’s a dead giveaway).

I couldn’t repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.

Tips for Vegetarians: Hit a chicken enough times and it turns into a vegetable.

Money is better than poverty, if only for financial reasons.

The day I can’t do my job drunk is the day I turn in my badge and gun.

In the beginning, God created earth and rested. Then God created man and rested. Then God created woman. Since then, neither God nor man has rested.

God must love stupid people, he made so many.

Help Wanted: Telepath. You know where to apply.

Hang in there; retirement is only thirty years away.

A baby sitter is a teenager acting like an adult while the adults are out acting like teenagers.

Half of being smart is knowing what you are dumb at.

In elementary school, in case of fire, you have to line up quietly in a single file line from smallest to tallest. What is the logic? Do tall people burn slower?

A clean tie attracts the soup of the day.

Streakers beware: Your end is in sight.

It’s not that I’m afraid to die; I just don’t want to be there when it happens.

Santa’s helpers are subordinate clauses.

Originality is the fine art of remembering what you hear, but forgetting where you heard it.

To define recursion, we must first define recursion.

I’d like to see things your way, but I’m looking in another direction.

I majored in liberal arts. Will that be for here or to go?

Be nice to your kids. They’ll choose your nursing home.

The art of flying is to throw yourself at the ground and miss.

“When in doubt tell the truth.”—Mark Twain

I think, therefore I am single.

The beatings will continue until morale improves.

There are three ways to get something done: do it yourself, hire someone, or forbid your kids to do it.

A bachelor is a man who comes to work from a different direction each morning.

If at first you don’t succeed, try management.

If you’re born again, do you have two bellybuttons?

Jokes about German sausage are the wurst.

At the age of six I wanted to be a cook. At seven I wanted to be Napoleon. And my ambition has been growing steadily ever since.

“Your mouse has moved. Windows must be restarted for the change to take effect. Reboot now ? [OK]”

Politicians are people who, when they see the light at the end of the tunnel, go out and buy more tunnel.

Killed - Personality Incompatibility

Always remember you’re unique, just like everyone else.

“Always in motion the future is. Seasick it makes me. That’s why so green I am”. – Yoda

Where there’s a will, I want to be in it.

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Moderation in all things, including moderation.

Mind like a steel trap – rusty and illegal in most states.

Hard work never killed anybody but why take the chance?

The sooner you fall behind the more time you’ll have to catch up.

If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?

Always try to be modest and be proud of it!

I’m not afraid of heights, only widths.

Remember, half the people you know are below average.

On the keyboard of life, always keep one finger on the escape key.

Comedy is tragedy plus time.

It is not what a teenager knows that bothers his parents. It is how he found out.

It is well to remember the entire population of the universe, with one trifling exception, is composed of others.

“Reading computer manuals without the hardware is as frustrating as reading sex manuals without the software.” — Arthur C. Clarke.

I used to find him boring until I stopped listening.

The man who fell into an upholstery machine is fully recovered.

My favorite mythical creature? The honest politician.

I get enough exercise just pushing my luck.

Lead us not into temptation. Just tell us where it is; we’ll find it.

Why does Sea World have a seafood restaurant? I’m halfway through my fish burger and I realize, Oh my gosh... I could be eating a slow learner.

My mind not only wanders, sometimes it leaves completely.

The secret of success is sincerity. Once you can fake that you’ve got it made.

A poor excuse is like an old bucket; doesn’t matter what shape it is in, as long as it holds water.

I envy people who drink – at least they know what to blame everything on.

“On two occasions I have been asked [by members of Parliament!]: ‘Pray, Mr. Babbage, if you put into the machine wrong figures, will the right answers come out ?’ I am not able rightly to apprehend the kind of confusion of ideas that could provoke such a question.” — Charles Babbage.

To succeed in politics, it is often necessary to rise above your principles.

Mental Floss prevents Moral Decay.

What Has Four Legs And An Arm? A Happy Pit Bull.

By the time a man realises that his father was right, he has a son who thinks he’s wrong.

Get even – live long enough to be a problem to your kids.

The things that come to those that wait may be the things left by those who got there first.

That which cannot be taken apart will fall apart.

When life hands you a lemon, make lemonade.

I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.

Why is it that to stop Windows, you have to click on “Start”?

I’m desperately trying to figure out why kamikaze pilots wore helmets.

Before you give a colleague a piece of your mind, be sure you can spare it.

Without question, the greatest invention in the history of mankind is beer. Oh, I grant you that the wheel was also a fine invention, but the wheel does not go nearly as well with pizza.

Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying of nothing.

Well if this is the wrong number, why did you answer it?

My one regret in life is that I am not someone else.

If it’s true that we are here to help others, then what exactly are the others here for?

Never argue with an idiot. They drag you down to their level then beat you with experience.

As long as there are tests, there will be prayer in public schools.

England has no kidney bank, but it does have a Liverpool.

Cole’s Law: Thinly sliced cabbage.

Computers make it easy to do a lot of things, but most of the things that make it easier to do don’t need to be done.

Don’t use a big word where a diminutive one will suffice.

If it weren’t for electricity we’d all be watching television by candlelight?

What do you call a dinosaur with an extensive vocabulary? A thesaurus.

A pessimist is a man who has been compelled to live with an optimist

One day I will get this peer guy and reset his connection.

He who trains his tongue to quote the learned sages, will be known far and wide as a smart ass.

I’ve always wanted to be normal, but lately I’ve come to suspect that this is it.

It’s important to be open-minded, but not SO open-minded that your brains fall out.

It’s bad luck to be superstitious.

It is not my interest to pay the principal, nor my principal to pay the interest.

I like to start my periods with sentences.

If people concentrated on the really important things in life, there’d be a shortage of fishing poles.

Authority makes some people grow – and others just swell.

“If builders built buildings the way programmers write programs, then the first woodpecker that came along would destroy civilization” — Weinberg’s Second Law.

Remember... Marriage is the number one cause of divorce. Statistically, 100% of all divorces started with marriage.

My parents stayed together for forty years, but that was out of spite.

If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?

Madness takes its toll. Please have exact change.

Life is complex: it has real and imaginary parts.

I intend to live forever – so far, so good.

“I worked in a pet shop and people kept asking how big I’d get” — Rodney Dangerfield

Honk if you love peace and quiet.

111,111,111 x 111,111,111 = 12,345,678,987,654,321

If you can’t dazzle them with brilliance... just baffle them with bullsh*t.

Show me a piano falling down a mineshaft and I’ll show you A-flat minor.

“You start coding. I’ll go find out what they want.” — Computer analyst to programmer

Cheerfulness is contagious, but don’t wait to catch it from others. Be a carrier.

Illiterate? Write For Help.

Quantum mechanics: The dreams stuff is made of.

If you want your spouse to listen and pay strict attention to every word you say, talk in your sleep.

If I were two-faced, would I be wearing this one?

Plagiarism saves time.

I either want less corruption, or more chance to participate in it.

Of course, we are all worms—but I like to think, at least, that I am a glow-worm. – Winston Churchill

Any task worth doing was worth doing yesterday.

Errors have been made. Others will be blamed.

Cab drivers are living proof that practice does not make perfect.

If con is the opposite of pro, congress is the opposite of progress.

I used up all my sick days, so I’m calling in dead.

One should forgive one’s enemies, but not before they are hanged.

Proofread carefully to see if you any words out.

I have great faith in fools; my friends call it self-confidence.

A synonym is a word you use when you can’t spell the word you first thought of.

Whenever people agree with me, I always feel I must be wrong.

The most precious thing we have is life. Yet it has absolutely no trade-in value.

Half our life is spent trying to find something to do with the time we have rushed through life trying to save.

Being a philosopher, I have a problem for every solution.

How do you know if a fish is Irish? It has drowned.

Legend: a lie that has attained the dignity of age.

I generally avoid temptation unless I can’t resist it.

If you think nobody cares if you’re alive, try missing a couple of car payments.

Sheep don’t fly so much as plummet.

Everybody is somebody else’s weirdo.

Nobody can be exactly like me. Even I have trouble doing it.

Statistics are like bikinis – What they reveal is suggestive, but what they conceal is vital.

“Life is a waste of time, time is a waste of life, so get wasted all of the time and have the time of your life”. — Tom Waits

Who is General Failure and why is he reading my hard disk?

Anything not nailed down is mine. Anything I can pry loose is not nailed down.

If olive oil comes from olives, where does baby oil come from?

It is a fitting irony that under Richard Nixon, ‘launder’ became a dirty word.

Brain: an apparatus with which we think we think.

All the toilets in New York’s police stations have been stolen. The police have nothing to go on.

I stayed up all night to see where the sun went. Then it dawned on me.

Success always occurs in private, and failure in full public view.

Laugh and the world laughs with you; snore and you sleep alone.

One good turn gets most of the blankets.

Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?

If we don’t succeed, we run the risk of failure.

If you do not make dust, you eat dust.

What sane person could live in this world and not be crazy?

Love is blind, but marriage is a real eye-opener.

If you choke a smurf, what colour does it turn?

Every morning is the dawn of a new error.

Confidence is the feeling you have before you understand the situation

Arguing on the Internet is like competing in the Special Olympics – even if you win, you are still retarded.

Latest survey shows that 3 out of 4 people make up 75% of the world’s population.

It doesn’t matter what temperature the room is; it’s always room temperature.

“There is no reason anyone would want a computer in their home.” — Ken Olson, founder of Digital Equipment Corp., 1977.

Sometimes I wake up grumpy; other times I let her sleep

Always do sober what you said you’d do drunk. That will teach you to keep your mouth shut.

If money talks, it ain’t on speakin’ terms with me.

Time sneaks up on you like a windshield on a bug.

He does the work of three men: Larry, Moe and Curly.

Where you stand depends on where you sit.

Never buy a car you can’t push.

In a Copenhagen airline ticket office: We take your bags and send them in all directions.

Ever stop to think and forget to start again?

Somewhere on this globe, every ten seconds, is a woman giving birth to a child. She must be found and stopped.

The scientific theory I like best is that the rings of Saturn are composed entirely of lost airline luggage.

Don’t look back. Something may be gaining on you.

“Auntie Em: hate you, hate Kansas, taking the dog.” – Dorothy

The earthquake in Washington obviously was the government’s fault.

Five out of four people have trouble with fractions.

I arise in the morning torn between a desire to improve the world and a desire to enjoy the world. This makes it hard to plan the day.

Don’t be irreplaceable; if you cannot be replaced, you cannot be promoted.

Remember the teakettle; though up to its neck in hot water, it continues to sing.

If sex is such a natural phenomenon, how come there are so many books on how to do it.

My mind works like lightning. One brilliant flash and it is gone.

I’m out of my mind, but feel free to leave a message.

Seeing a murder on television...will help work off one’s antagonisms. And if you haven’t any antagonisms, the commercials will give you some.

Prediction is extremely difficult. Especially about the future.

“Few things are harder to put up with than a good example.”—Mark Twain

When I was young, I could remember anything. Whether it happened or not.

A dyslexic man walks into a bra.

AIBOHPHOBIA – the fear of palindromes.

Allow me to introduce my selves.

On the plus side, death is one of the few things that can be done just as easily as lying down.

The fellow who thinks he knows it all is especially annoying to those of us who do.

I have gone to look for myself, if I should return before I get back, keep me here.

Insanity is hereditary; you can get it from your children.

Bacteria: the only culture some people have.

On a tombstone: I TOLD YOU I WAS SICK

Broken pencils are pointless.

“Reader, suppose you were an idiot. And suppose you were a member of Congress. But I repeat myself”. — Mark Twain

I wished the buck stopped here, as I could use a few.

Blessed are those who can laugh at themselves, they will never cease to be amused.

It is hard to understand how a cemetery raised its burial charges and blamed it on the cost of living.

Men don’t care what’s on TV. They only care what else is on TV.

Ours is a world where people don’t know what they want and are willing to go through hell to get it.

A guy got arrested for playing the guitar. He was fingering a minor.

I like kids, but I don’t think I could eat a whole one.

99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.

A person who smiles in the face of adversity... probably has a scapegoat.

I have the body of a GOD – Buddha.

Anyone can admit they were wrong; the true test is admitting it to someone else.

When he first ran for office, he appealed to the voters: “I never stole anything in my life. All I ask is a chance.”

The number of people watching you is directly proportional to the stupidity of your action.

I took an IQ test and the results were negative.

If the human brain were so simple that we could understand it, we would be so simple we couldn’t.

An Irish man was driving to the airport when he saw a sign saying ‘Airport – Left’... So he went home.

Roses are red, Violets are blue. In Soviet Russia, Poems write you.

“I have never let my schooling interfere with my education.”—Mark Twain

Energizer Bunny arrested: Charged with battery.

“Banking establishments are more dangerous than standing armies”. — Thomas Jefferson

“Every mighty oak was once just a nut who stood his ground.”

It’s strange, isn’t it. You stand in the middle of a library and go aaaaagghhhh’ and everyone just stares at you. But you do the same thing on an aeroplane, and everyone joins in.

Man who run in front of car get tired.

If you want a committed man, look in a mental hospital.

TEAMWORK... means never having to take all the blame yourself.

My schoolmates would make love to anything that moved, but I never saw any reason to limit myself.

I had some words with my wife, and she had some paragraphs with me.

When you are arguing with an idiot, make sure the other person isn’t doing the same thing.

I stayed up all night to see where the sun went. Then it dawned on me.

How did Moses make his tea? Hebrews it.

“There are two major products that come out of Berkeley: LSD and UNIX. We don’t believe this to be a coincidence.” — Jeremy S. Anderson

I used to be a Kleptomaniac, But now I’m taking something for it

I installed a skylight in my apartment. The people who live above me are furious.

Anything that can become tangled around something else, will.

When in doubt, mumble.

Gossip: The art of saying nothing while leaving nothing unsaid.

In democracy it’s your vote that counts. In feudalism it’s your count that votes.

The doctor can bury his mistakes but an architect can only advise his client to plant vines.

Is there life before death?

I started out with nothing, and I still have most of it.

Bachelors have consciences, married men have wives.

An army of deer led by a lion is more to be feared than an army of lions led by a deer.

Experience is something you do not get until just after you need it.

Living is not worth dying for.

Plan to be spontaneous tomorrow.

You can say any foolish thing to a dog, and the dog will give you a look that says, “My God, you’re right! I never would’ve thought of that!”

“If women didn’t exist, all the money in the world would have no meaning.” – Aristotle Onassis

I plead contemporary insanity.

There’s a fine line between genius and insanity. I have erased this line.

Don’t take life too seriously—you’ll never get out of it alive.

This mind intentionally left blank

Heck is where people go who don’t believe in gosh.

When a clock is hungry, it goes back four seconds.

Anything not nailed down is a cat toy.

Early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.

Jokes about German sausage are the wurst.

Promises are like babies: fun to make, but hell to deliver.

It is hard enough to remember my opinions, without also remembering my reasons for them!

Programmer – A red-eyed, mumbling mammal capable of conversing with inanimate objects.

Seen it all, done it all, can’t remember most of it.

Well, this day was a total waste of makeup.

History will be kind to me for I intend to write it. – Winston Churchill

If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?

He who smiles in a crisis has found someone to blame.

You can’t have everything. Where would you put it?

If you don’t pay your exorcist you get repossessed.

A great many people think they are thinking when they are merely rearranging their prejudices.

Why don’t you ever see the headline “Psychic Wins Lottery”?

I don’t want to achieve immortality through my work. I want to achieve immortality through not dying.

We spend the first twelve months of our children’s lives teaching them to walk and talk and the next twelve telling them to sit down and shut up.

You have to stay in shape. My grandmother, she started walking five miles a day when she was 60. She’s 97 today and we don’t know where the hell she is.

You’re not drunk if you can lie on the floor without holding on.

If someone with multiple personalities threatens suicide... is it considered a hostage situation?

What does a clock do when it’s hungry? It goes back four seconds.

Men have a much better time of it than women; for one thing, they marry later; for another thing they die earlier.

Democracy is a process by which people are free to choose the man who will get the blame.

Jack and Jill did it for the insurance.

“Oh dear,” said God, “I hadn’t thought of that,” and promptly vanished in a puff of logic.

There’s a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot.

People who think they know everything are annoying to those of us who do.

Every time I look at you I get a fierce desire to be lonesome.

It is wiser to find out than to suppose.—Mark Twain

Life... I don’t get it...

Support bacteria – they’re the only culture some people have.

Plato is dead, Einstein is dead, and I’m not feeling too good myself...

I don’t suffer from stress. I’m a carrier.

If it’s 0 degrees today and it’s going to be twice as cold tomorrow... how cold will it be?

Only a fool is astonished by the foolishness of humankind.

“Blink your eyelids periodically to lubricate your eyes.” — Page 16 of the HP “Environmental, Health Safety Handbook for Employees”.

Eagles may soar, but weasels don’t get sucked into jet engines.

I thought I wanted a career, turns out I just wanted paychecks.

For people who like peace and quiet – a phoneless cord.

Everybody is ignorant, only on different subjects.

“I’ve been on a calendar but I have never been on time” – Marilyn Monroe

“Managing senior programmers is like herding cats” — Dave Platt.

Those who can laugh without cause have either found the true meaning of happiness or have gone stark raving mad.

I think animal testing is a terrible idea; they get all nervous and give the wrong answers.

Be thankful for problems. If they were less difficult, someone with less ability might have your job.

Man who run behind car get exhausted.

I’m quite easy to get along with, once you learn to beckon at my every call and yield to all my desires.

Anyone who told you to be yourself couldn’t have given you worse advice.

Raising teenagers is like trying to nail Jell-O to a tree.

Man who drive like hell bound to get there.

Everyone needs belief in something. I believe I’ll have another beer.

Humour. It is a difficult concept. It is not logical.

Get a new car for your spouse – it’ll be a great trade!

How do you spot an Irishman at a carwash? He’s the one on the bike.

“You have to be careful about being too careful” – Beryl Pfizer

“My wife made me join a bridge club. I jump off next Tuesday” — Rodney Dangerfield

Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.

A hangover is the wrath of grapes.

Any ship can be a minesweeper... once.

Well, if I called the wrong number, why did you answer the phone?

I don’t approve of political jokes... I’ve seen too many of them get elected.

Does your train of thought have a caboose?

Friends may come and go, but enemies accumulate

Maybe I’m lucky to be going so slowly, because I may be going in the wrong direction.

“I am not worried about the deficit. It is big enough to take care of itself.” – Ronald Reagan

What if there were no hypothetical questions?

If I have to work for an idiot, I might as well work for myself.

If puns were outlawed, only outlaws would have puns.

Experience is simply the name we give our mistakes.

Hope sees the invisible, feels the intangible and achieves the impossible.

A drop of ink may make a million think.

I fear my inferiority complex is not as good as yours.

Why is the third hand on the watch called a second hand?

The best computer is a man, and it’s the only one that can be mass-produced by unskilled labour.

It used to be only death and taxes were inevitable. Now, of course, there’s shipping and handling, too.

“There are only two things that are infinite: the universe and human stupidity. And I’m not sure about the universe.” A. Einstein

Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don’t.

Even crime wouldn’t pay if the government ran it.

The second day of a diet is alway easier than the first. By the second day, you’re off it.

Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.

What hair color do they put on the driver’s licenses of bald men?

Whenever there is any doubt, there is no doubt.

I’m an apathetic sociopath – I’d kill you if I cared.

The short fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.

I thought I made a mistake once, but I was wrong.

I often quote myself; it adds spice to my conversation.

I had amnesia once or twice.

The dumber people think you are, the more surprised they’re going to be when you kill them—Rodney Dangerfield

According to recent study someone is run over by a car every 5 minutes in the city. You’d think the guy would have enough sense to get out of the street.

There are only three kinds of people; people who can count and people who can’t.

Englishmen never will be slaves: they are free to do whatever the Government and public opinion allow them to do.

“Then he ran into my knife. He ran into my knife ten times.” – Chicago

The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.

I can resist everything except temptation.

Quantum: Noun, word used to sound like I know what I’m talking about while discussing physics I’ve never actually studied.

Never underestimate the power of very stupid people in large groups.

I was the next door kid’s imaginary friend.

Time flies like an arrow – fruit flies like a banana.

Booze is the answer. I don’t remember the question.

Pardon my driving, I am reloading.

What do you call a dinosaur with an extensive vocabulary? A thesaurus.

Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

If all you have is a hammer, everything looks like a nail.

The illegal we do immediately. The unconstitutional takes a little longer. – Henry Kissinger

Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?

“Einstein argued that there must be simplified explanations of nature, because God is not capricious or arbitrary. No such faith comforts the software engineer.” — Fred Brooks.

If At First You Don’t Succeed... Blame Someone Else And Seek Counseling.

There is no such thing as an underestimate of average intelligence

Nothing means nothing, but it isn’t really nothing because nothing is something that isn’t.

Outside a Hong Kong tailor shop: Ladies may have a fit upstairs.

Ninety-nine per cent of the people in the world are fools and the rest of us are in great danger of contagion.

Fundamentalism: Believe in a kind, loving God or we’ll kill you!

Just remember... if the world didn’t suck, we’d all fall off.

If I were someone who knew something, who could I tell that would believe me?

I wonder how much deeper would the ocean be without sponges.

You can always spot a well-informed man – his views are the same as yours.

Keyboard not detected. Press F1 to continue

The more time you spend in reporting on what you are doing, the less time you have to do it in. Stability is achieved when you spend all your time doing nothing but reporting on the nothing you are doing.

If you don’t know where you are going, you will wind up somewhere else.

I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol.

Nick Overruled - Democratic Majority Decision

We must believe in free will, we have no choice.

“I have left orders to be awakened at any time in case of national emergency – even if I’m in a Cabinet meeting.” – Ronald Reagan

A team effort is a lot of people doing what I say

I guess traffic in the city is improving a little. Yesterday, I drove clear across town and only had to shave twice.

Never put both feet in your mouth at the same time, because then you don’t have a leg to stand on.

I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.

Man does not live by words alone, despite the fact that sometimes he has to eat them.

People don’t grow up; they just learn how to act in public.

Half of the people in the world are below average.

Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian any more than going to the garage makes you a car.

“I believe in equality for everyone, except reporters and photographers”. — Gandhi

“I would like to live in Manchester, England. The transition between Manchester and death would be unnoticeable”. — Mark Twain

I’m not dumb; I just have a command of thoroughly useless information.

Marriage is not a word; it is a sentence.

Before marriage, a man yearns for the woman he loves. After marriage, the ‘Y’ becomes silent.

Military intelligence is a contradiction in terms.

Why is it that doctors call what they do “practice”?

How do you keep an Irishman busy? Write P.T.O on both sides of a piece of paper.

I want to die peacefully in my sleep like my grandfather, not screaming in abject horror like his passengers.

The surprising thing about young fools is how many survive to become old fools.

Pick your friends but not to pieces.

When all other means of communication fail, try words.

Everybody has a photographic memory. Some don’t have film.

Honest criticism is hard to take, particularly from a relative, a friend, an acquaintance, or a stranger.

Despite the cost of living it’s still very popular.

“Everyday I beat my own previous record for number of consecutive days I’ve stayed alive.”

The most powerful force in the universe is gossip.

Everybody lies, but it doesn’t matter since nobody listens.

I have spent my whole life looking for the perfect woman, and now I’ve found her. Too bad she’s looking for the perfect man.

If a man opens a car door for a woman, either the car is new or the woman.

If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?

Make three correct guesses consecutively and you will establish yourself as an expert.

There’s a difference between being open-minded and having a hole in your head

Why is it called tourist season if we can’t shoot at them?

My husband and I divorced over religious differences... He thought he was God and I didn’t.

All men are equal. Some are just more equal than others.

Connection Reset By Aboriginal With Wire Cutters

Men occasionally stumble over the truth, but most of them pick themselves up and hurry off as if nothing had happened. – Winston Churchill

When I’m not in my right mind, my left mind gets pretty crowded

“Inconceivable!” “I do not think that word means what you think it means.”

The trouble with the rat race is that even if you win, you’re still a rat.

I did a theatrical performance about puns. It was a play on words.

Two strings walk into a bar. The first string says to the bartender, “Bartender, I’ll have a beer. u.5n$x5t?*&4ru!2[sACCErJ”. The second string says, “Pardon my friend, he isn’t NULL terminated”.

A dog that attends a flea circus most likely will steal the whole show.

Where do you find an Irish woodworm? Dead inside a brick.

If ever I get married again it would have to be under an anaesthetic.

If you can’t convince them, confuse them.

“War does not determine who is right - only who is left.” – Bertrand Russell

Constipated People Don’t Give A Crap.

I’m in no shape to exercise.

Women like silent men. They think they’re listening.

Instead of getting married again, I’m going to find a woman I don’t like and just give her a house.—Rod Stewart

Lord, if you won’t make me skinny, please make all my friends fat.

I majored in liberal arts. Will that be for here or to go?

I used to be apathetic, but now I don’t give a damn.

There are two kinds of people, those who finish what they start, and so on.

It’s hard to face the problem, when the problem is your face.

Accept that some days you’re the pigeon, and some days you’re the statue.

Money is flat and meant to be piled up. – Scottish Proverb

“Hey, I’ve got reasons for what I’m doing,” REALLY MEANS, “I sure hope I think of some pretty soon.”

I don’t enjoy computer jokes; not one bit.

“I wish everyone was peaceful. Then I could take over the planet with a butter knife”—Dogbert

Confidence is the feeling you have before you understand the situation.

Doctor, Doctor You’ve got to help me – I just can’t stop my hands shaking. Do you drink a lot? Not really – I spill most of it!

Honesty is the best policy, but insanity is a better defence.

When Chemists die, they barium.

We Quit Voting Will They All Go Away?

Marriage is a three-ring circus: engagement ring, wedding ring, and suffering.

A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a train stops. On my desk I have a workstation...

Work expands to fill the time available. — PARKINSON’S LAW

Genius is 1% inspiration, and 99% perspiration.

Conscience is the inner voice warning us that someone may be looking.

He’s not dead, he’s electroencephalographically challenged.

You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.

Love is like an hourglass, with the heart filling up as the brain empties.

In a Rome laundry: Ladies, leave your clothes here and spend the afternoon having a good time.

Don’t talk unless you can improve the silence.

Eagles may soar, but weasels don’t get sucked into jet engines.

Progress was all right. Only it went on too long.

The chance of a piece of bread falling with the buttered side down is directly proportional to the cost of the carpet.

I’m reading a book about anti-gravity. I can’t put it down.

Chaos, panic, & disorder – my work here is done.

I got a job at a bakery because I kneaded dough.

Caution – Driver Legally Blonde!

In a Tokyo shop: Our nylons cost more than common, but you’ll find they are best in the long run.

I think that’s how Chicago got started. A bunch of people in New York said, “Gee, I’m enjoying the crime and the poverty, but it just isn’t cold enough. Let’s go west.”—Richard Jeni

Sheep don’t fly so much as plummet.

Being in the army is like being in the Boy Scouts, except that the Boy Scouts have adult supervision.

When in trouble, fear or doubt, run in circles, scream and shout.

Under capitalism, man exploits man. Under Communism, it’s just the opposite.

We have two ends. One for sitting and one for thinking. Our success depends on which one we use most.

“The generation of random numbers is too important to be left to chance.” — Robert R. Coveyou, Oak Ridge National Laboratory.

Save the whales. Collect the whole set.

When your IQ reaches 80 –– sell.

I spilled spot remover on my dog. Now he’s gone.

In the office of a Roman doctor: Specialist in women and other diseases.

PMS jokes aren’t funny. Period.

A conscience does not prevent sin. It only prevents you from enjoying it.

“This ‘telephone’ has too many shortcomings to be seriously considered as a means of communication.” — Western Union internal memo, 1876.

All my life, I always wanted to be somebody. Now I see that I should have been more specific.

Democracy is the recurrent suspicion that more than half of the people are right more than half of the time.

Once, during prohibition, I was forced to live for days on nothing but food and water.

Why were the Indians here first? They had reservations.

Most vegetarians look so much like the food they eat that they can be classified as cannibals.

I dropped out of communism class because of lousy Marx.

In this world, nothing is certain but death and taxes. – Benjamin Franklin

Outside of a dog, a book is probably man’s best friend, and inside of a dog, it’s too dark to read.

He often broke into song because he couldn’t find the key.

Don’t Be Sexist – Broads Hate That.

This Would Be Really Funny If It Weren’t Happening To Me.

From the moment I picked your book up until I laid it down I was convulsed with laughter. Some day I intend reading it.

Red Tape Holds Up New Bridge!

“I could tell that my parents hated me. My bath toys were a toaster and a radio” — Rodney Dangerfield

A printer consists of three main parts: the case, the jammed paper tray and the blinking red light

If at first you don’t succeed, destroy all the evidence that you tried.

All those who believe in psycho kinesis raise my hand.

Slow is when someone laps you in the hundred-yard dash

Wine divulges truth.

If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?

A conclusion is simply the place where you got tired of thinking.

In a Norwegian cocktail lounge: Ladies are requested not to have children in the bar.

Someday we’ll look back on all this and plow into the back of a parked car.

If everything is coming your way, you are probably in the wrong lane.

“If carrots are so good for the eyes, how come I see so many dead rabbits on the highway?”

An Apple a day keeps the doctor away. But... an onion a day keeps everyone away.

You’ll never get to heaven if you’re scared of getting high.

“He has been given a large brain by mistake, since for him the spinal cord would fully suffice.” — Albert Einstein

Age is a question of mind over matter. If you don’t mind, it don’t matter.

How Many Roads Must A Man Travel Down Before He Admits He Is Lost?

Go the extra mile. It makes your boss look like an incompetent slacker.

If Bill Gates had a nickel for every time Windows crashed... oh wait, he does.

Not all men are annoying. Some are dead.

How do you get an Irishman to burn his ear? Ring him up while he is ironing.

Time is God’s way of keeping everything from happening at once.

Oh, don’t fuss. I just cut myself. It’s no big deal,” REALLY MEANS, “I have actually severed a limb, but will bleed to death before I admit I’m hurt.”

One good thing about repeating your mistakes is that you know when to cringe.

When you get a bladder infection, urine trouble.

My husband says I never listen to him (at least I think that’s what he said)

Youth would be an ideal state if it came a little later in life.

Some people say that I must be a horrible person, but that’s not true. I have the heart of a young boy – in a jar on my desk.

I know a guy who is addicted to brake fluid. He says he can stop anytime.

Technology is a way of organizing the universe so that man doesn’t have to experience it.

I hope that after I die, people will say of me: “That guy sure owed me a lot of money.”

I’d give my right arm to be ambidextrous.

In a Budapest zoo: Please do not feed the animals. If you have any suitable food, give it to the guard on duty.

Even paranoids have real enemies.

There are two kinds of people, those who finish what they start, and so on.

My life has a superb cast but I can’t figure out the plot.

For Sale: Parachute. Only used once, never opened, small stain.

I can please only one person per day. Today is not your day. Tomorrow isn’t looking good either.

Never go to a doctor whose office plants have died.

The human brain is a wonderful thing. It starts working the moment you are born, and never stops until you stand up to speak in public.

Succeed in spite of management. Aim Low; Reach Your Goals, Avoid Disappointment.

A cartoonist was found dead in his home. Details are sketchy.

We waste time, so you don’t have to.

Blessed are the young, for they shall inherit the national debt.

I don’t have a solution but I admire the problem.

Alcohol: the cause of, and solution to, all of life’s problems.

Just because you’re not paranoid doesn’t mean they’re not out to get you.

When I was a boy I was told that anybody could become president; I’m beginning to believe it.

“A girl phoned me the other day and said... Come on over, there’s nobody home. I went over. Nobody was home” — Rodney Dangerfield

Mines are equal opportunity weapons.

The amount of work to be done increases in proportion to the amount of work already completed. — VAIL’S SECOND AXIOM

There are very few personal problems that cannot be solved through a suitable application of high explosives.

The shortest distance between two points is under construction.

Compromise: the art of dividing a cake so that everybody believes he or she got the biggest piece.

Advertisement for donkey rides in Thailand: Would you like to ride on your own ass?

If at first you don’t succeed, skydiving is not your sport.

Birthdays are good for you. Statistics show that the people who have the most live the longest.

People with narrow minds usually have broad tongues.

A backwards poet writes inverse.

The truth is a precious commodity. That’s why I use it so sparingly.

Is Disney World the only people trap operated by a mouse?

I hate women because they always know where things are.

If vegetable oil comes from vegetables, where does baby oil come from?

No sense being pessimistic, it probably wouldn’t work anyway.

Hemp is a herb. Bush is a dope.

There is nothing so annoying as to have two people go right on talking when you’re interrupting.

Shin: a device for finding furniture in the dark.

Solitude is fine, but you need someone to tell you that solitude is fine.

If you can’t be kind, at least have the decency to be vague.

Stupidity is not a handicap. Park elsewhere!

Cleverly Disguised As A Responsible Adult.

If you’re not confused, you’re not paying attention.

My girlfriend told me I should be more affectionate. So I got two more girlfriends.

You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say will be misquoted then used against you.

“Things are more like they are now than they ever were before.” – Former U.S. President Dwight D. Eisenhower

A committee is a body that keeps minutes and wastes hours.

I have noticed that the people who are late are often so much jollier that the people who have to wait for them.

I haven’t spoken to my wife for 18 months: I don’t like to interrupt her.

Impotence: Nature’s Way Of Saying “No Hard Feelings”.

Men are from earth. Women are from earth. Deal with it.

One martini is all right, two is too many, and three is not enough.

I didn’t like my beard at first. Then it grew on me.

Marathon runners with bad footwear suffer the agony of defeat.

I laugh in the face of danger, except if I’m involved.

Work: It isn’t just for sleeping anymore.

The dictionary is the only place where success comes before work.

Needing someone is like needing a parachute. If he isn’t there the first time you need him, chances are you won’t be needing him again.

Brilliant, but with the social skills of a thermonuclear device.

If trees could scream, would we be so cavalier about cutting them down? We might, if they screamed all the time, for no good reason.

I don’t have an attitude problem. You have a perception problem.

I am not a vegetarian because I love animals; I am a vegetarian because I hate plants.

Modesty is a virtue of fools.

My reality check just bounced.

I wondered why the baseball was getting bigger. Then it hit me.

If quizzes are quizzical, what are tests?

I am free of all prejudices. I hate everyone equally.

Some pain is physical, and some is mental, but one that’s both is dental.

A soldier who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran.

I am a nobody, nobody is perfect, therefore I’m perfect.

Bacteria: the only culture some people have.

Youth is a wonderful thing. What a crime to waste it on children.

The sooner you fall behind the more time you’ll have to catch up.

Venison for dinner again? Oh deer!

I’d explain it to you, but your brain would explode.

The trouble with jogging is that, by the time you realise you’re not in shape for it, it’s far too far to walk back.

Foolproof systems don’t take into account the ingenuity of fools.

When you do not know what you are doing, do it neatly.

If a woman has to choose between catching a fly ball and saving an infant’s life, she will choose to save the infant’s life without even considering if there is a man on base.—Dave Barry

“Thinking is the hardest work there is, which is probably why so few engage in it”. — Henry Ford

Does this smell like chloroform to you?

Knowledge is the key, but where is the damn lock?

Man shoots neighbour with machete [The Miami Herald, July 3]

If the world should blow itself up, the last audible voice would be that of an expert saying it can’t be done.

Bigamy is having one wife too many. Monogamy is the same. – Oscar Wilde

Someone sent me a postcard picture of the earth. On the back it said, “Wish you were here.”

I’m an idealist: I don’t know where I’m going, but I’m on my way.

After all is said and done, more is said than done.

Some people are going to leave a mark on this world, while others will leave a stain.

As the light changed from red to green to yellow and back to red again, I sat there thinking about life. Was it nothing more than a bunch of honking and yelling? Sometimes it seemed that way.

Everybody is ignorant, only on different subjects.

You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They left a little note on the windscreen, it said ‘Parking Fine.’

Warning: Dates in Calendar are closer than they appear.

Hypochondria is the only disease I haven’t got.

“C++ : Where friends have access to your private members.” — Gavin Russell Baker.

In the beginning, there was nothing. Then God said, “Let there be light,” and there was still nothing, but you could see it.

One of the greatest labour-saving inventions today is tomorrow.

What’s another word for Thesaurus?

The world is full of willing people; some willing to work, the rest willing to let them.

He who laughs last thinks slowest.

Macho Law prohibits me from admitting I’m wrong.

Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?

I’ve been trying for some time to develop a life style that doesn’t require my presence.

I don’t meet competition. I crush it

Men’s faults are many, women have only two. Everything they say, and everything they do.

Perhaps you’re diagonally parked in a parallel universe?

I am obviously right, and as you disagree with me, then logically you must be wrong.

I changed my iPod’s name to Titanic. It’s syncing now.

Tip the world over on its side and everything loose will land in Los Angeles.

I am amazed at radio DJ’s today. I am firmly convinced that AM on my radio stands for Absolute Moron. I will not begin to tell you what FM stands for.

e=mc^2 where m = the number of cooks required to spoil the broth

Smith & Wesson — the original point and click interface.

Procrastinate Now!

If you don’t know where you are going, you might wind up someplace else.

I have kleptomania, but when it gets bad, I take something for it. ~ Robert Benchle

A bird does not sing because it has an answer—it sings because it has a song.

Don’t marry for money. You can borrow it cheaper.

If I’d known I was going to live this long, I’d have taken better care of myself.

I tried to photograph the fog, but I mist.

Why is the man that invests your money called a broker?

I don’t suffer from stress. I’m a carrier.

I take everything I can for my kleptomania.

Having more money doesn’t make you happier. I have 50 million dollars but I’m just as happy as when I had 48 million. ~ Arnold Schwarzenegger.

I used to be a banker, but then I lost interest.

Lots of people know a good thing the minute the other fellow sees it first.

Restarting System - Mouse Moved

Never put off until tomorrow what you can avoid altogether.

It’s not hard to meet expenses, they’re everywhere.

It’s not true that married men live longer than single men. It only seems longer.

The only difference between Genius and Insanity... is success.

I used to think I was indecisive, but now I’m not sure.

I always wanted to be somebody, but I should have been more specific.

To B or not to B? *kills the B* I HATE BEES!!!! – LynxofCP

If you can’t beat your computer at chess, try kickboxing.

You have the right to your opinions. I just don’t want to hear them.

“#define QUESTION ((bb) || !(bb))” — Shakespeare

I love being married. It’s so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.

Doctor, Doctor I keep getting pains in the eye when I drink coffee. Have you tried taking the spoon out?

I tried sniffing Coke once, but the ice cubes got stuck in my nose.

If we learn by our mistakes, some of us are getting one hell of an education!

Cheer up, the worst is yet to come.

If a job is worth doing well get someone else to do it.

Borrow money from pessimists- they don’t expect to get it back.

Some people are alive only because it’s illegal to kill them.

I don’t believe in astrology. I am a Sagittarius and we’re very skeptical. ~ Arthur C. Clarke

People can be divided into three groups: Those who make things happen, those who watch things happen, and those who wonder what happened.

I heard a man say that brigands demand your money or your life, whereas women require both.

“You, you and you: panic. The rest of you, come with me.”

Anything’s possible... apart from skiing through a revolving door.

“I’d rather have a bottle in front of me, than a frontal lobotomy”. — Tom Waits

I’m not into working out. My philosophy: No pain, no pain.

On the other hand you have different fingers.

Artificial Intelligence is no match for Natural Stupidity.

Haunted French pancakes give me the crêpes.

The early bird gets the worm, but the early worm gets eaten.

Velcro — what a rip off!

Last night I lay in bed looking up at the stars in the sky and I thought to myself, “Where the heck is the ceiling?”

It is even harder for the average ape to believe that he has descended from man.

Tell me what you need, and I’ll tell you how to get along without it.

Everything is possible; just not too probable.

“You can always count on Americans to do the right thing—after they’ve tried everything else” – Winston Churchill

I married Miss Right. I just didn’t know her first name was Always.

At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be “What is hell?” Come early and listen to our choir practice.

So Many Pedestrians – So Little Time.

Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.

A penny saved is a Congressional spending oversight.

I don’t like people who take drugs... Customs Officers for example.

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