Amusing Quotes & One-Liners — Ned Martin’s Amused

Amusing Quotes & One-Liners

What sane person could live in this world and not be crazy?

The second day of a diet is alway easier than the first. By the second day, you’re off it.

The fellow who thinks he knows it all is especially annoying to those of us who do.

I’m not afraid of heights, only widths.

It is even harder for the average ape to believe that he has descended from man.

Wine divulges truth.

It’s not hard to meet expenses, they’re everywhere.

An Irish man was driving to the airport when he saw a sign saying ‘Airport – Left’... So he went home.

The surprising thing about young fools is how many survive to become old fools.

Where you stand depends on where you sit.

Modesty is a virtue of fools.

Sex on television can’t hurt you unless you fall off.

A conscience does not prevent sin. It only prevents you from enjoying it.

To B or not to B? *kills the B* I HATE BEES!!!! – LynxofCP

“Einstein argued that there must be simplified explanations of nature, because God is not capricious or arbitrary. No such faith comforts the software engineer.” — Fred Brooks.

I’d like to see things your way, but I’m looking in another direction.

The earthquake in Washington obviously was the government’s fault.

Whenever there is any doubt, there is no doubt.

I always wanted to be a procrastinator, never got around to it though.

Every time I look at you I get a fierce desire to be lonesome.

I’m sorry; you cannot have an outlook on life because it isn’t responding. Microsoft apologises for any inconvenience.

He’s so lazy. I’ve seen him step into a revolving door and wait.

You’re not drunk if you can lie on the floor without holding on.

Early to rise, early to bed, makes a man healthy but socially dead.

I heard a man say that brigands demand your money or your life, whereas women require both.

What’s another word for Thesaurus?

Nick Overruled - Democratic Majority Decision

In a Tokyo shop: Our nylons cost more than common, but you’ll find they are best in the long run.

Jokes about German sausage are the wurst.

There are 3 kinds of people: those who can count and those who can’t.

Stupidity is not a handicap! Park somewhere else!

“Reading computer manuals without the hardware is as frustrating as reading sex manuals without the software.” — Arthur C. Clarke.

Half of the people in the world are below average.

Snowmen fall from Heaven unassembled.

Man who eat many prunes get good run for money.

Never argue with an idiot. They drag you down to their level then beat you with experience.

Cheer up, the worst is yet to come.

Take my advice, I don’t use it anyway.

A team effort is a lot of people doing what I say

I Haven’t Lost My Mind, It’s Backed Up On Disk Somewhere.

I have kleptomania, but when it gets bad, I take something for it. ~ Robert Benchle

The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.

If it weren’t for the last minute, nothing would ever get done.

The dumber people think you are, the more surprised they’re going to be when you kill them—Rodney Dangerfield

I did a theatrical performance about puns. It was a play on words.

I used to think I was indecisive, but now I’m not sure.

A committee is a body that keeps minutes and wastes hours.

“I have left orders to be awakened at any time in case of national emergency – even if I’m in a Cabinet meeting.” – Ronald Reagan

One martini is all right, two is too many, and three is not enough.

“Every mighty oak was once just a nut who stood his ground.”

Plato is dead, Einstein is dead, and I’m not feeling too good myself...

The more time you spend in reporting on what you are doing, the less time you have to do it in. Stability is achieved when you spend all your time doing nothing but reporting on the nothing you are doing.

It is a small world, but I wouldn’t like to have to paint it.

If quizzes are quizzical, what are tests?

How do you know if a fish is Irish? It has drowned.

Slow is when someone laps you in the hundred-yard dash

“They say hard work never hurt anybody, but I figure why take the chance.” – Ronald Reagan

If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?

There’s a fine line between genius and insanity. I have erased this line.

Promises are like babies: fun to make, but hell to deliver.

Is Disney World the only people trap operated by a mouse?

Time is God’s way of keeping everything from happening at once.

If you don’t know where you are going, you will wind up somewhere else.

Plagiarism saves time.

A soldier who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran.

I don’t want to achieve immortality through my work. I want to achieve immortality through not dying.

It’s bad luck to be superstitious.

It’s just a job. Grass grows, birds fly, waves pound the sand. I just beat people up. – Muhammad Ali

I’ve been trying for some time to develop a life style that doesn’t require my presence.

When I’m not in my right mind, my left mind gets pretty crowded

I had some words with my wife, and she had some paragraphs with me.

Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?

It is hard to understand how a cemetery raised its burial charges and blamed it on the cost of living.

My mind works like lightning. One brilliant flash and it is gone.

I get enough exercise just pushing my luck.

I am a nobody, nobody is perfect, therefore I’m perfect.

All those who believe in psycho kinesis raise my hand.

I don’t like people who take drugs... Customs Officers for example.

I work hard because millions on welfare depend on me.

A procrastinator’s work is never done.

I haven’t spoken to my wife for 18 months: I don’t like to interrupt her.

If people concentrated on the really important things in life, there’d be a shortage of fishing poles.

Before marriage, a man yearns for the woman he loves. After marriage, the ‘Y’ becomes silent.

I’m an apathetic sociopath – I’d kill you if I cared.

If you can’t convince them, confuse them.

We Quit Voting Will They All Go Away?

I’m not dumb; I just have a command of thoroughly useless information.

Nobody can be exactly like me. Even I have trouble doing it.

You have to stay in shape. My grandmother, she started walking five miles a day when she was 60. She’s 97 today and we don’t know where the hell she is.

Knowledge is the key, but where is the damn lock?

You’ll never get to heaven if you’re scared of getting high.

No sense being pessimistic, it probably wouldn’t work anyway.

I thought I wanted a career, turns out I just wanted paychecks.

Someday we’ll look back on all this and plow into the back of a parked car.

Tip the world over on its side and everything loose will land in Los Angeles.

I think, therefore I am single.

Some people are going to leave a mark on this world, while others will leave a stain.

Shin: a device for finding furniture in the dark.

What do you call a dinosaur with an extensive vocabulary? A thesaurus.

Anywhere is walking distance, if you’ve got the time.

I married my wife for her looks... but not the ones she’s been giving me lately!

The trouble with the rat race is that even if you win, you’re still a rat.

The shortest distance between two points is under construction.

Youth is a wonderful thing. What a crime to waste it on children.

“A patriot must always be ready to defend his country against his government”. — Edward Abbey

Why is the third hand on the watch called a second hand?

Brilliant, but with the social skills of a thermonuclear device.

Killed - Personality Incompatibility

If you’re not confused, you’re not paying attention.

Any task worth doing was worth doing yesterday.

There’s a difference between being open-minded and having a hole in your head

“I am not worried about the deficit. It is big enough to take care of itself.” – Ronald Reagan

PMS jokes aren’t funny. Period.

“There are two major products that come out of Berkeley: LSD and UNIX. We don’t believe this to be a coincidence.” — Jeremy S. Anderson

If you want your spouse to listen and pay strict attention to every word you say, talk in your sleep.

The human brain is a wonderful thing. It starts working the moment you are born, and never stops until you stand up to speak in public.

Seen it all, done it all, can’t remember most of it.

I always wanted to be somebody, but I should have been more specific.

Acupuncture is a jab well done.

I used to be a Kleptomaniac, But now I’m taking something for it

If I have to work for an idiot, I might as well work for myself.

I used up all my sick days, so I’m calling in dead.

Cluster bombing from B-52s is very, very accurate – the bombs always hit the ground.

He who smiles in a crisis has found someone to blame.

Pick your friends but not to pieces.

Everybody has a photographic memory. Some don’t have film.

Love is blind, but marriage is a real eye-opener.

As the light changed from red to green to yellow and back to red again, I sat there thinking about life. Was it nothing more than a bunch of honking and yelling? Sometimes it seemed that way.

Experience is something you do not get until just after you need it.

Lots of people know a good thing the minute the other fellow sees it first.

Constipated People Don’t Give A Crap.

Lead us not into temptation. Just tell us where it is; we’ll find it.

Anything not nailed down is a cat toy.

I’m reading a book about anti-gravity. I can’t put it down.

“I have never let my schooling interfere with my education.”—Mark Twain

One day I will get this peer guy and reset his connection.

Remember the teakettle; though up to its neck in hot water, it continues to sing.

Outside of a dog, a book is probably man’s best friend, and inside of a dog, it’s too dark to read.

I’ve always wanted to be normal, but lately I’ve come to suspect that this is it.

If we don’t succeed, we run the risk of failure.

Quantum mechanics: The dreams stuff is made of.

Anger is only one letter away from danger.

I don’t approve of political jokes... I’ve seen too many of them get elected.

I had amnesia once or twice.

“There is no reason anyone would want a computer in their home.” — Ken Olson, founder of Digital Equipment Corp., 1977.

“Auntie Em: hate you, hate Kansas, taking the dog.” – Dorothy

“If builders built buildings the way programmers write programs, then the first woodpecker that came along would destroy civilization” — Weinberg’s Second Law.

Humour. It is a difficult concept. It is not logical.

Democracy is the recurrent suspicion that more than half of the people are right more than half of the time.

Cab drivers are living proof that practice does not make perfect.

The world is full of willing people; some willing to work, the rest willing to let them.

Nothing means nothing, but it isn’t really nothing because nothing is something that isn’t.

I am not a vegetarian because I love animals; I am a vegetarian because I hate plants.

To succeed in politics, it is often necessary to rise above your principles.

“On two occasions I have been asked [by members of Parliament!]: ‘Pray, Mr. Babbage, if you put into the machine wrong figures, will the right answers come out ?’ I am not able rightly to apprehend the kind of confusion of ideas that could provoke such a question.” — Charles Babbage.

Life is complex: it has real and imaginary parts.

Most vegetarians look so much like the food they eat that they can be classified as cannibals.

Connection Reset - Insufficient Electrons

Madness takes its toll. Please have exact change.

I generally avoid temptation unless I can’t resist it.

I changed my iPod’s name to Titanic. It’s syncing now.

Men have a much better time of it than women; for one thing, they marry later; for another thing they die earlier.

One of the greatest labour-saving inventions today is tomorrow.

Don’t be irreplaceable; if you cannot be replaced, you cannot be promoted.

Santa’s helpers are subordinate clauses.

It’s strange, isn’t it. You stand in the middle of a library and go aaaaagghhhh’ and everyone just stares at you. But you do the same thing on an aeroplane, and everyone joins in.

I am free of all prejudices. I hate everyone equally.

Two signs from a Majorcan shop entrance: English well speaking / Here speeching American.

Everyone needs belief in something. I believe I’ll have another beer.

This Would Be Really Funny If It Weren’t Happening To Me.

Everybody lies, but it doesn’t matter since nobody listens.

Sometimes I wake up grumpy; other times I let her sleep

When life hands you a lemon, make lemonade.

Being single is like a vacuum. It sucks when you are turned on.

Arguing on the Internet is like competing in the Special Olympics – even if you win, you are still retarded.

Why were the Indians here first? They had reservations.

A baby sitter is a teenager acting like an adult while the adults are out acting like teenagers.

Honest criticism is hard to take, particularly from a relative, a friend, an acquaintance, or a stranger.

On the plus side, death is one of the few things that can be done just as easily as lying down.

If the French were really intelligent, they’d speak English.

A study in the Washington Post says that women have better verbal skills than men. I just want to say to the authors of that study: “Duh.”— Conan O’Brien

Is there life before death?

If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?

I take everything I can for my kleptomania.

A clean tie attracts the soup of the day.

There are two kinds of people, those who finish what they start, and so on.

I have great faith in fools; my friends call it self-confidence.

My girlfriend told me I should be more affectionate. So I got two more girlfriends.

I got a job at a bakery because I kneaded dough.

Time flies like an arrow – fruit flies like a banana.

A diplomatic husband said to his wife, how do you expect me to remember your birthday when you never look any older?

Moderation in all things, including moderation.

All my life, I always wanted to be somebody. Now I see that I should have been more specific.

I stayed up all night to see where the sun went. Then it dawned on me.

Confidence is the feeling you have before you understand the situation.

Quantum: Noun, word used to sound like I know what I’m talking about while discussing physics I’ve never actually studied.

Macho Law prohibits me from admitting I’m wrong.

Legend: a lie that has attained the dignity of age.

It’s not that I’m afraid to die; I just don’t want to be there when it happens.

I married Miss Right. I just didn’t know her first name was Always.

I’d explain it to you, but your brain would explode.

If the human brain were so simple that we could understand it, we would be so simple we couldn’t.

Life is far too important to be taken seriously.

Ninety-nine per cent of the people in the world are fools and the rest of us are in great danger of contagion.

I took an IQ test and the results were negative.

“C++ : Where friends have access to your private members.” — Gavin Russell Baker.

Everybody is somebody else’s weirdo.

Oh, don’t fuss. I just cut myself. It’s no big deal,” REALLY MEANS, “I have actually severed a limb, but will bleed to death before I admit I’m hurt.”

As a final incentive before giving up a difficult task, try to imagine it successfully accomplished by someone you violently dislike.

Time is a great teacher, but unfortunately it kills all its pupils.

I arise in the morning torn between a desire to improve the world and a desire to enjoy the world. This makes it hard to plan the day.

What if there were no hypothetical questions?

You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They left a little note on the windscreen, it said ‘Parking Fine.’

“Thinking is the hardest work there is, which is probably why so few engage in it”. — Henry Ford

In a Budapest zoo: Please do not feed the animals. If you have any suitable food, give it to the guard on duty.

The art of flying is to throw yourself at the ground and miss.

Prediction is extremely difficult. Especially about the future.

“This report, by its very length, defends itself against the risk of being read”. — Winston Churchill

Jokes about German sausage are the wurst.

If ever I get married again it would have to be under an anaesthetic.

Keyboard not detected. Press F1 to continue

I didn’t like my beard at first. Then it grew on me.

Only a fool is astonished by the foolishness of humankind.

99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.

How do you spot an Irishman at a carwash? He’s the one on the bike.

I guess traffic in the city is improving a little. Yesterday, I drove clear across town and only had to shave twice.

How do you sink an Irish Submarine? Knock on the hatch.

Show me a piano falling down a mineshaft and I’ll show you A-flat minor.

In the beginning, there was nothing. Then God said, “Let there be light,” and there was still nothing, but you could see it.

Mental Floss prevents Moral Decay.

Men don’t care what’s on TV. They only care what else is on TV.

The things that come to those that wait may be the things left by those who got there first.

As long as there are tests, there will be prayer in public schools.

Allow me to introduce my selves.

I tried to photograph the fog, but I mist.

Be nice to your kids. They’ll choose your nursing home.

Technology is a way of organizing the universe so that man doesn’t have to experience it.

The illegal we do immediately. The unconstitutional takes a little longer. – Henry Kissinger

“Are you going to come quietly, or do I have to use earplugs?”—Vale Spike Milligan

A great many people think they are thinking when they are merely rearranging their prejudices.

Warning: Dates in Calendar are closer than they appear.

I plead contemporary insanity.

Laugh at your problems; everybody else does.

Be thankful for problems. If they were less difficult, someone with less ability might have your job.

You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.

I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol.

Man who drive like hell bound to get there.

“I’d rather have a bottle in front of me, than a frontal lobotomy”. — Tom Waits

What Has Four Legs And An Arm? A Happy Pit Bull.

If we learn by our mistakes, some of us are getting one hell of an education!

“He has been given a large brain by mistake, since for him the spinal cord would fully suffice.” — Albert Einstein

Be kind to your dentist. He has fillings, too.

What happens if you get scared half to death twice?

Half of being smart is knowing what you are dumb at.

I love work; it fascinates me; I can sit and watch it for hours.

What does a clock do when it’s hungry? It goes back four seconds.

Laughing stock: cattle with a sense of humour.

In a Copenhagen airline ticket office: We take your bags and send them in all directions.

Bacteria: the only culture some people have.

Why is it that doctors call what they do “practice”?

If you think nobody cares if you’re alive, try missing a couple of car payments.

In this world, nothing is certain but death and taxes. – Benjamin Franklin

Before you give a colleague a piece of your mind, be sure you can spare it.

The number of people watching you is directly proportional to the stupidity of your action.

An Apple a day keeps the doctor away. But... an onion a day keeps everyone away.

Comedy is tragedy plus time.

Don’t Be Sexist – Broads Hate That.

Women like silent men. They think they’re listening.

Insanity is hereditary; you can get it from your children.

Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.

They say if you play a Microsoft CD backwards you hear satanic messages. That’s nothing, if you play it forwards it installs Windows.

I used to think I was indecisive, but now I’m not sure.

Even paranoids have real enemies.

When in doubt, mumble.

Support bacteria – they’re the only culture some people have.

Bigamy is having one wife too many. Monogamy is the same. – Oscar Wilde

Someone sent me a postcard picture of the earth. On the back it said, “Wish you were here.”

You’re such an inspiration for the way I’ll never choose to be.

A dyslexic man walks into a bra.

He who trains his tongue to quote the learned sages, will be known far and wide as a smart ass.

Eagles may soar, but weasels don’t get sucked into jet engines.

Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.

Whenever people agree with me, I always feel I must be wrong.

Hard work never killed anybody but why take the chance?

My reality check just bounced.

The doctor can bury his mistakes but an architect can only advise his client to plant vines.

I’m an idealist: I don’t know where I’m going, but I’m on my way.

I have spent my whole life looking for the perfect woman, and now I’ve found her. Too bad she’s looking for the perfect man.

I hate women because they always know where things are.

Everything you like is bad for you in some way.

My mind not only wanders, sometimes it leaves completely.

Optimists believe we live on the greatest world. Pessimists believe this is true.

I am obviously right, and as you disagree with me, then logically you must be wrong.

Those who can laugh without cause have either found the true meaning of happiness or have gone stark raving mad.

A cartoonist was found dead in his home. Details are sketchy.

Just because your head is the biggest doesn’t mean it contains the right ideas.

A bird in the hand is safer than one overhead.

I have had more trouble with myself than with any other man I’ve met.

The best computer is a man, and it’s the only one that can be mass-produced by unskilled labour.

Cleverly Disguised As A Responsible Adult.

What hair color do they put on the driver’s licenses of bald men?

“I wish everyone was peaceful. Then I could take over the planet with a butter knife”—Dogbert

It used to be only death and taxes were inevitable. Now, of course, there’s shipping and handling, too.

At the age of six I wanted to be a cook. At seven I wanted to be Napoleon. And my ambition has been growing steadily ever since.

I want to die peacefully in my sleep like my grandfather, not screaming in abject horror like his passengers.

Tips for Vegetarians: Hit a chicken enough times and it turns into a vegetable.

“Few things are harder to put up with than a good example.”—Mark Twain

It’s not true that married men live longer than single men. It only seems longer.

I know a guy who is addicted to brake fluid. He says he can stop anytime.

Errors have been made. Others will be blamed.

If life was fair, Elvis would be alive and all the impersonators would be dead.

Bacteria: the only culture some people have.

Advertisement for donkey rides in Thailand: Would you like to ride on your own ass?

The early bird gets the worm, but the early worm gets eaten.

Needing someone is like needing a parachute. If he isn’t there the first time you need him, chances are you won’t be needing him again.

Why is the man that invests your money called a broker?

I like to start my periods with sentences.

Money is flat and meant to be piled up. – Scottish Proverb

“The best thing about the future is that it comes only one day at a time.” – Abraham Lincoln

Marriage is a three-ring circus: engagement ring, wedding ring, and suffering.

“I worked in a pet shop and people kept asking how big I’d get” — Rodney Dangerfield

On a tombstone: I TOLD YOU I WAS SICK

I installed a skylight in my apartment. The people who live above me are furious.

Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don’t.

Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?

Hemp is a herb. Bush is a dope.

It is wiser to find out than to suppose.—Mark Twain

Sheep don’t fly so much as plummet.

Consciousness: that annoying time between naps.

We’ve made great medical progress in the last generation. What used to be merely an itch is now an allergy.

Artificial Intelligence is no match for Natural Stupidity.

My husband and I divorced over religious differences... He thought he was God and I didn’t.

Man who run in front of car get tired.

This girl said she recognized me from the vegetarian club, but I’d never met herbivore

If Bill Gates had a nickel for every time Windows crashed... oh wait, he does.

I’m in no shape to exercise.

I don’t have an attitude problem. You have a perception problem.

I stayed up all night to see where the sun went. Then it dawned on me.

Having more money doesn’t make you happier. I have 50 million dollars but I’m just as happy as when I had 48 million. ~ Arnold Schwarzenegger.

“As a matter of fact” is an expression that precedes many an expression that isn’t.

When a clock is hungry, it goes back four seconds.

He does the work of three men: Larry, Moe and Curly.

If a President doesn’t do it to his wife, he’ll do it to his country.

Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way when you criticize them, you are a mile away from them and you have their shoes.

According to recent study someone is run over by a car every 5 minutes in the city. You’d think the guy would have enough sense to get out of the street.

Remember half the people you know are below average.

If you try and don’t succeed, cheat. Repeat until caught. Then lie.

Democracy is a process by which people are free to choose the man who will get the blame.

There are two types of people in this world, good and bad. The good sleep better, but the bad seem to enjoy the waking hours much more.

My life has a superb cast but I can’t figure out the plot.

I have gone to look for myself, if I should return before I get back, keep me here.

Don’t use a big word where a diminutive one will suffice.

If you don’t pay your exorcist you get repossessed.

“Life is a waste of time, time is a waste of life, so get wasted all of the time and have the time of your life”. — Tom Waits

Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.

If sex is such a natural phenomenon, how come there are so many books on how to do it.

Last night I lay in bed looking up at the stars in the sky and I thought to myself, “Where the heck is the ceiling?”

Hope sees the invisible, feels the intangible and achieves the impossible.

Remember, half the people you know are below average.

“Inconceivable!” “I do not think that word means what you think it means.”

I’m out of my mind, but feel free to leave a message.

Don’t marry for money. You can borrow it cheaper.

Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian any more than going to the garage makes you a car.

If you don’t know where you are going, you might wind up someplace else.

Procrastinate Now!

I laugh in the face of danger, except if I’m involved.

Hypochondria is the only disease I haven’t got.

I love being married. It’s so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.

I majored in liberal arts. Will that be for here or to go?

I either want less corruption, or more chance to participate in it.

Work: It isn’t just for sleeping anymore.

“I believe in equality for everyone, except reporters and photographers”. — Gandhi

“The generation of random numbers is too important to be left to chance.” — Robert R. Coveyou, Oak Ridge National Laboratory.

I wondered why the baseball was getting bigger. Then it hit me.

Energizer Bunny arrested: Charged with battery.

Laugh and the world laughs with you; snore and you sleep alone.

“People who drink light beer don’t like the taste of beer; they just like to pee a lot” — Rodney Dangerfield

Best way to get a man to do something, is to suggest they are too old for it.

Five out of four people have trouble with fractions.

We spend the first twelve months of our children’s lives teaching them to walk and talk and the next twelve telling them to sit down and shut up.

Ever stop to think and forget to start again?

Roses are red, Violets are blue. In Soviet Russia, Poems write you.

I think animal testing is a terrible idea; they get all nervous and give the wrong answers.

When you are arguing with an idiot, make sure the other person isn’t doing the same thing.

If you don’t know why I’m mad at you, then I’m certainly not going to tell you

Climbers aim for the summit because it is there. Bungi jumpers dive off the top because they aren’t all there.

He often broke into song because he couldn’t find the key.

Help Wanted: Telepath. You know where to apply.

Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.

Applying computer technology is simply finding the right wrench to pound in the correct screw.

If you’re born again, do you have two bellybuttons?

“Your mouse has moved. Windows must be restarted for the change to take effect. Reboot now ? [OK]”

Heck is where people go who don’t believe in gosh.

System Error - Windows Loaded

One should forgive one’s enemies, but not before they are hanged.

I was at a bar nursing a beer. My nipple was getting quite soggy.

You can’t have everything. Where would you put it?

Age always corresponds inversely to the size of your multivitamin.

This mind intentionally left blank

Of course, we are all worms—but I like to think, at least, that I am a glow-worm. – Winston Churchill

Not all men are annoying. Some are dead.

Doctor, Doctor You’ve got to help me – I just can’t stop my hands shaking. Do you drink a lot? Not really – I spill most of it!

No problem is so big and complicated that it can’t be ran away from.

How Many Roads Must A Man Travel Down Before He Admits He Is Lost?

If you can’t beat your computer at chess, try kickboxing.

He’s not dead, he’s electroencephalographically challenged.

There are 10 types of people in the world: Those who understand binary, and those who don’t.

All the toilets in New York’s police stations have been stolen. The police have nothing to go on.

My favorite mythical creature? The honest politician.

Brain: an apparatus with which we think we think.

“I would like to live in Manchester, England. The transition between Manchester and death would be unnoticeable”. — Mark Twain

Age is a very high price to pay for maturity.

“If women didn’t exist, all the money in the world would have no meaning.” – Aristotle Onassis

A day without sun shine is like, you know, night.

The sooner you fall behind the more time you’ll have to catch up.

Better to remain silent and be thought a fool, than to speak and remove all doubt.

I don’t suffer from stress. I’m a carrier.

I’d give my right arm to be ambidextrous.

TEAMWORK... means never having to take all the blame yourself.

I spilled spot remover on my dog. Now he’s gone.

Sometimes I think the surest sign that intelligent life exists elsewhere in the universe is that none of it has tried to contact us.

If con is the opposite of pro, congress is the opposite of progress.

“How come we choose from just two people to run for president and 50 for Miss America?”

Eat a live toad first thing in the morning, and nothing worse can happen to you the rest of the day.

“You, you and you: panic. The rest of you, come with me.”

Go the extra mile. It makes your boss look like an incompetent slacker.

The light at the end of the tunnel has been turned off due to budget cuts.

Everybody is ignorant, only on different subjects.

Mines are equal opportunity weapons.

Connection Reset By Aboriginal With Wire Cutters

Some pain is physical, and some is mental, but one that’s both is dental.

Horn broken. Watch for finger. (on bumper sticker)

Work expands to fill the time available. — PARKINSON’S LAW

Restarting System - Mouse Moved

I love deadlines. I especially like the whooshing sound they make as they go flying by.

Get a new car for your spouse – it’ll be a great trade!

This comment is printed on 100% recycled electrons.

To err is human – and to blame it on a computer is even more so.

Well if this is the wrong number, why did you answer it?

Everybody is ignorant, only on different subjects.

Accept that some days you’re the pigeon, and some days you’re the statue.

The most precious thing we have is life. Yet it has absolutely no trade-in value.

Where do you find an Irish woodworm? Dead inside a brick.

Success always occurs in private, and failure in full public view.

Well, if I called the wrong number, why did you answer the phone?

I dropped out of communism class because of lousy Marx.

If you can’t convince them, confuse them.

I Refuse To Have A Battle Of Wits With An Unarmed Person.

Always remember you’re unique, just like everyone else.

Does this smell like chloroform to you?

Without question, the greatest invention in the history of mankind is beer. Oh, I grant you that the wheel was also a fine invention, but the wheel does not go nearly as well with pizza.

Save the whales. Collect the whole set.

Honesty is the best policy, but insanity is a better defence.

Half our life is spent trying to find something to do with the time we have rushed through life trying to save.

Why do we wash bath towels, aren’t we clean when we use them?

Never put both feet in your mouth at the same time, because then you don’t have a leg to stand on.

Sheep don’t fly so much as plummet.

Velcro — what a rip off!

This guy walks into a bar and the barman says “Ouch, that must have hurt”

There are very few personal problems that cannot be solved through a suitable application of high explosives.

A bird does not sing because it has an answer—it sings because it has a song.

Smith & Wesson — the original point and click interface.

Always try to be modest and be proud of it!

If vegetable oil comes from vegetables, where does baby oil come from?

“This ‘telephone’ has too many shortcomings to be seriously considered as a means of communication.” — Western Union internal memo, 1876.

If it weren’t for electricity we’d all be watching television by candlelight?

A printer consists of three main parts: the case, the jammed paper tray and the blinking red light

System Error - Windows Loaded

Does your train of thought have a caboose?

Chipped dishes never break.

Broken pencils are pointless.

So Many Pedestrians – So Little Time.

Anyone who told you to be yourself couldn’t have given you worse advice.

From the moment I picked your book up until I laid it down I was convulsed with laughter. Some day I intend reading it.

If it’s true that we are here to help others, then what exactly are the others here for?

“War does not determine who is right - only who is left.” – Bertrand Russell

We have two ends. One for sitting and one for thinking. Our success depends on which one we use most.

Confidence is the feeling you have before you understand the situation

“I’ve been on a calendar but I have never been on time” – Marilyn Monroe

Haunted French pancakes give me the crêpes.

I used to find him boring until I stopped listening.

I used to be apathetic, but now I don’t give a damn.

Youth would be an ideal state if it came a little later in life.

On the other hand you have different fingers.

Somewhere on this globe, every ten seconds, is a woman giving birth to a child. She must be found and stopped.

Instead of getting married again, I’m going to find a woman I don’t like and just give her a house.—Rod Stewart

Some people are alive only because it’s illegal to kill them.

Ours is a world where people don’t know what they want and are willing to go through hell to get it.

Just because you’re not paranoid doesn’t mean they’re not out to get you.

One good thing about repeating your mistakes is that you know when to cringe.

Blessed are the young, for they shall inherit the national debt.

It doesn’t matter what temperature the room is; it’s always room temperature.

The trouble with life is there’s no background music.

Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy.

If the world should blow itself up, the last audible voice would be that of an expert saying it can’t be done.

A backwards poet writes inverse.

Foolproof systems don’t take into account the ingenuity of fools.

If automobiles had followed the same development cycle as the computer, a Rolls Royce would today cost $100, get a million miles per gallon, and explode once a year, killing everyone inside.

Partying... oops No Only Parting... sorry

INDECISION is the key to FLEXIBILITY.

How can you come out of a closet if you never went in there in the first place?

In elementary school, in case of fire, you have to line up quietly in a single file line from smallest to tallest. What is the logic? Do tall people burn slower?

Politicians are people who, when they see the light at the end of the tunnel, go out and buy more tunnel.

Did you hear about the cross-eyed teacher who lost her job because she couldn’t control her pupils?

Cole’s Law: Thinly sliced cabbage.

Abel Tasman on discovering Tasmania, “Too far south for spices and too close to the rim of the earth to be inhabited by anything but freaks and monsters”

Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

To define recursion, we must first define recursion.

I intend to live forever – so far, so good.

If puns were outlawed, only outlaws would have puns.

Bachelors know more about women than married men; if they didn’t they’d be married too.

The sooner you fall behind the more time you’ll have to catch up.

Originality is the fine art of remembering what you hear, but forgetting where you heard it.

Never go to a doctor whose office plants have died.

I couldn’t repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.

A guy got arrested for playing the guitar. He was fingering a minor.

“You start coding. I’ll go find out what they want.” — Computer analyst to programmer

It is said that if you line up all the cars in the world end to end, someone would be stupid enough to try and pass them.

Caution – Driver Legally Blonde!

I am amazed at radio DJ’s today. I am firmly convinced that AM on my radio stands for Absolute Moron. I will not begin to tell you what FM stands for.

Englishmen never will be slaves: they are free to do whatever the Government and public opinion allow them to do.

“My wife made me join a bridge club. I jump off next Tuesday” — Rodney Dangerfield

Love is like an hourglass, with the heart filling up as the brain empties.

Experience is simply the name we give our mistakes.

Progress was all right. Only it went on too long.

If you can stay calm, while all around you is chaos... then you probably haven’t completely understood the situation.

I’m quite easy to get along with, once you learn to beckon at my every call and yield to all my desires.

When Chemists die, they barium.

There is no such thing as an underestimate of average intelligence

Be careful when reading health books; you may die of a misprint.

That which cannot be taken apart will fall apart.

Don’t use a big word where a diminutive one will suffice.

In a Norwegian cocktail lounge: Ladies are requested not to have children in the bar.

How do you get an Irishman to burn his ear? Ring him up while he is ironing.

If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?

The secret of success is sincerity. Once you can fake that you’ve got it made.

Eagles may soar, but weasels don’t get sucked into jet engines.

I took a speed reading course and read ‘War and Peace’ in twenty minutes. It involves Russia. Enough women for four.

Proofread carefully to see if you any words out.

You can say any foolish thing to a dog, and the dog will give you a look that says, “My God, you’re right! I never would’ve thought of that!”

Maybe I’m lucky to be going so slowly, because I may be going in the wrong direction.

It is not my interest to pay the principal, nor my principal to pay the interest.

Doctor, Doctor I keep getting pains in the eye when I drink coffee. Have you tried taking the spoon out?

Latest survey shows that 3 out of 4 people make up 75% of the world’s population.

If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?

“I think there is a world market for maybe five computers.” — Thomas Watson, chairman of IBM, 1943.

A person who smiles in the face of adversity... probably has a scapegoat.

When you do not know what you are doing, do it neatly.

Marriage changes passion... suddenly you’re in bed with a relative.

Even crime wouldn’t pay if the government ran it.

Conscience is the inner voice warning us that someone may be looking.

Whenever I feel like exercise, I lie down until the feeling passes.

To find out a girl’s faults, praise her to her girl friends.

I often quote myself; it adds spice to my conversation.

“Everyday I beat my own previous record for number of consecutive days I’ve stayed alive.”

It’s easy to quit smoking... I’ve done it over 10,000 times.

Why is it that to stop Windows, you have to click on “Start”?

People who think they know everything are annoying to those of us who do.

An egotist has one point in his favour – he doesn’t go round talking about other people.

On the keyboard of life, always keep one finger on the escape key.

Blessed are those who can laugh at themselves, they will never cease to be amused.

Time sneaks up on you like a windshield on a bug.

If at first you don’t succeed, try, try again. Then quit. There’s no use being a damned fool about it.

I don’t suffer from stress. I’m a carrier.

Computers make it easy to do a lot of things, but most of the things that make it easier to do don’t need to be done.

“I could tell that my parents hated me. My bath toys were a toaster and a radio” — Rodney Dangerfield

Leftists are among the first to speak of their rights.

In democracy it’s your vote that counts. In feudalism it’s your count that votes.

There are only three kinds of people; people who can count and people who can’t.

Anything that can become tangled around something else, will.

A poor excuse is like an old bucket; doesn’t matter what shape it is in, as long as it holds water.

Military intelligence is a contradiction in terms.

I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.

“You have to be careful about being too careful” – Beryl Pfizer

“#define QUESTION ((bb) || !(bb))” — Shakespeare

If you do not make dust, you eat dust.

In the beginning, God created earth and rested. Then God created man and rested. Then God created woman. Since then, neither God nor man has rested.

Anyone can admit they were wrong; the true test is admitting it to someone else.

“The object of war is not to die for your country but to make the other bastard die for his.” – General George Patton

He who laughs last thinks slowest.

If you don’t learn to laugh at troubles, you won’t have anything to laugh at when you grow old.

Make three correct guesses consecutively and you will establish yourself as an expert.

Living is not worth dying for.

Don’t stop to stomp on ants when the elephants are stampeding.

They say you only use ten percent of your brain. What about the other ten?

I like children. Properly cooked.

A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat.

A hangover is the wrath of grapes.

When I was young, I could remember anything. Whether it happened or not.

Age is an issue of mind over matter. If you don’t mind, it doesn’t matter.

Years ago fairy tales began with “Once upon a time...” Now it’s “If I am elected...”

A conclusion is simply the place where you got tired of thinking.

Well, this day was a total waste of makeup.

How did Moses make his tea? Hebrews it.

It’s important to be open-minded, but not SO open-minded that your brains fall out.

The amount of work to be done increases in proportion to the amount of work already completed. — VAIL’S SECOND AXIOM

Genius is 1% inspiration, and 99% perspiration.

Mind like a steel trap – rusty and illegal in most states.

I live in my own little world, but it’s ok they know me here.

The trouble with jogging is that, by the time you realise you’re not in shape for it, it’s far too far to walk back.

A bargain is something you don’t need at a price you can’t resist.

Life... I don’t get it...

Don’t take life too seriously—you’ll never get out of it alive.

Lord, if you won’t make me skinny, please make all my friends fat.

Eschew obfuscation.

You look like a million dollars. All green and wrinkled.

Good judgement comes from experience. Experience comes from bad judgement.

If olive oil comes from olives, where does baby oil come from?

If money talks, it ain’t on speakin’ terms with me.

IRS: We’ve got what it takes to take what you’ve got.

Honk if you love peace and quiet.

Venison for dinner again? Oh deer!

“When you starve with a tiger, the tiger starves last”. — Griffin’s Thought

A synonym is a word you use when you can’t spell the word you first thought of.

Age is a question of mind over matter. If you don’t mind, it don’t matter.

People don’t grow up; they just learn how to act in public.

How do you keep an Irishman busy? Write P.T.O on both sides of a piece of paper.

I fear my inferiority complex is not as good as yours.

After all is said and done, more is said than done.

Fundamentalism: Believe in a kind, loving God or we’ll kill you!

An egotist is a person of low taste—more interested in himself than in me.

Anything not nailed down is mine. Anything I can pry loose is not nailed down.

Shin: a device for finding furniture in the dark.

You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say will be misquoted then used against you.

“You can always count on Americans to do the right thing—after they’ve tried everything else” – Winston Churchill

Always do sober what you said you’d do drunk. That will teach you to keep your mouth shut.

If a job is worth doing well get someone else to do it.

“Always be sincere, even when you don’t mean it”. — Irene Peter

If you can’t dazzle them with brilliance... just baffle them with bullsh*t.

Red Tape Holds Up New Bridge!

Once, during prohibition, I was forced to live for days on nothing but food and water.

Alcohol: the cause of, and solution to, all of life’s problems.

Birthdays are good for you. Statistics show that the people who have the most live the longest.

The most powerful force in the universe is gossip.

Friends may come and go, but enemies accumulate

The scientific theory I like best is that the rings of Saturn are composed entirely of lost airline luggage.

Time’s fun when you’re having flies... Kermit the Frog

I can please only one person per day. Today is not your day. Tomorrow isn’t looking good either.

Vote for the man who promises least; he’ll be the least disappointing.

Never put off until tomorrow what you can avoid altogether.

If you choke a smurf, what colour does it turn?

“There are only two things that are infinite: the universe and human stupidity. And I’m not sure about the universe.” A. Einstein

Some people are alive only because it’s illegal to kill them.

The dictionary is the only place where success comes before work.

History will be kind to me for I intend to write it. – Winston Churchill

Under capitalism, man exploits man. Under Communism, it’s just the opposite.

When in trouble, fear or doubt, run in circles, scream and shout.

Seeing a murder on television...will help work off one’s antagonisms. And if you haven’t any antagonisms, the commercials will give you some.

AIBOHPHOBIA – the fear of palindromes.

I don’t enjoy computer jokes; not one bit.

If you’re not wasted, the day is.

For Sale: Parachute. Only used once, never opened, small stain.

I don’t have a solution but I admire the problem.

The beatings will continue until morale improves.

I like kids, but I don’t think I could eat a whole one.

All men are equal. Some are just more equal than others.

Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?

Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying of nothing.

A pessimist is a man who has been compelled to live with an optimist

I thought I made a mistake once, but I was wrong.

Pardon my driving, I am reloading.

Men are from earth. Women are from earth. Deal with it.

e=mc^2 where m = the number of cooks required to spoil the broth

We waste time, so you don’t have to.

Make sure your mind isn’t so open that your brains fall out.

Am I getting smart with you? How would you know?

There’s a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot.

“When in doubt tell the truth.”—Mark Twain

I don’t believe in astrology. I am a Sagittarius and we’re very skeptical. ~ Arthur C. Clarke

I don’t necessarily agree with everything I say.

What’s the definition of a will? (It’s a dead giveaway).

Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7th of your life.

The truth is a precious commodity. That’s why I use it so sparingly.

If at first you don’t succeed, skydiving is not your sport.

Streakers beware: Your end is in sight.

I spent most of my money on booze, drugs and women... The rest I wasted!

Any ship can be a minesweeper... once.

Despite the cost of living it’s still very popular.

Impotence: Nature’s Way Of Saying “No Hard Feelings”.

“If carrots are so good for the eyes, how come I see so many dead rabbits on the highway?”

Hang in there; retirement is only thirty years away.

Men’s faults are many, women have only two. Everything they say, and everything they do.

The trouble with our times is that the future is not what it used to be.

When I was a boy I was told that anybody could become president; I’m beginning to believe it.

Bachelors have consciences, married men have wives.

When you get a bladder infection, urine trouble.

Jack and Jill did it for the insurance.

I love cats – they taste just like chicken.

Being in the army is like being in the Boy Scouts, except that the Boy Scouts have adult supervision.

One good turn gets most of the blankets.

Solitude is fine, but you need someone to tell you that solitude is fine.

Programmer – A red-eyed, mumbling mammal capable of conversing with inanimate objects.

When you come to a fork in the road, take it.

I wonder how much deeper would the ocean be without sponges.

Raising teenagers is like trying to nail Jell-O to a tree.

Just remember... if the world didn’t suck, we’d all fall off.

A drop of ink may make a million think.

“Banking establishments are more dangerous than standing armies”. — Thomas Jefferson

People can be divided into three groups: Those who make things happen, those who watch things happen, and those who wonder what happened.

“A girl phoned me the other day and said... Come on over, there’s nobody home. I went over. Nobody was home” — Rodney Dangerfield

I have the body of a GOD – Buddha.

Authority makes some people grow – and others just swell.

They told me I had type A blood, but it was a Type O

Being a philosopher, I have a problem for every solution.

People with narrow minds usually have broad tongues.

The difference between a stepping-stone and a stumbling block can be when you see it.

The chance of a piece of bread falling with the buttered side down is directly proportional to the cost of the carpet.

At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be “What is hell?” Come early and listen to our choir practice.

My schoolmates would make love to anything that moved, but I never saw any reason to limit myself.

If you want a committed man, look in a mental hospital.

Never buy a car you can’t push.

A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a train stops. On my desk I have a workstation...

Smoking cures weight problems...eventually...

Outside a Hong Kong tailor shop: Ladies may have a fit upstairs.

Statistics are like bikinis – What they reveal is suggestive, but what they conceal is vital.

When he first ran for office, he appealed to the voters: “I never stole anything in my life. All I ask is a chance.”

Man who run behind car get exhausted.

“The web is a dominatrix. Every where I turn, I see little buttons ordering me to Submit.” — Nytwind.

Gossip: The art of saying nothing while leaving nothing unsaid.

I started out with nothing, and I still have most of it.

When your IQ reaches 80 –– sell.

My parents stayed together for forty years, but that was out of spite.

Money can’t buy happiness, but it sure makes misery easier to live with.

If At First You Don’t Succeed... Blame Someone Else And Seek Counseling.

If it’s 0 degrees today and it’s going to be twice as cold tomorrow... how cold will it be?

You can always spot a well-informed man – his views are the same as yours.

It is not what a teenager knows that bothers his parents. It is how he found out.

When angry count four, when very angry, swear.

For people who like peace and quiet – a phoneless cord.

If I were someone who knew something, who could I tell that would believe me?

Democracy is a government where you can say what you think even if you don’t think.

I don’t meet competition. I crush it

If trees could scream, would we be so cavalier about cutting them down? We might, if they screamed all the time, for no good reason.

If a woman has to choose between catching a fly ball and saving an infant’s life, she will choose to save the infant’s life without even considering if there is a man on base.—Dave Barry

If I’d known I was going to live this long, I’d have taken better care of myself.

“I’ve noticed that everyone who is for abortion has already been born.” – Ronald Reagan

Murphy’s Golden Rule: Whoever has the gold makes the rules.

Compromise: the art of dividing a cake so that everybody believes he or she got the biggest piece.

Booze is the answer. I don’t remember the question.

I was the next door kid’s imaginary friend.

Chaos, panic, & disorder – my work here is done.

Man does not live by words alone, despite the fact that sometimes he has to eat them.

The man who fell into an upholstery machine is fully recovered.

If at first you don’t succeed, try management.

There are three ways to get something done: do it yourself, hire someone, or forbid your kids to do it.

“Things are more like they are now than they ever were before.” – Former U.S. President Dwight D. Eisenhower

Two strings walk into a bar. The first string says to the bartender, “Bartender, I’ll have a beer. u.5n$x5t?*&4ru!2[sACCErJ”. The second string says, “Pardon my friend, he isn’t NULL terminated”.

I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.

Get even – live long enough to be a problem to your kids.

The short fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.

A penny saved is a Congressional spending oversight.

I have a simple philosophy. Fill what’s empty. Empty what’s full. Scratch where it itches.

Everyone hates me because I’m paranoid.

If a man opens a car door for a woman, either the car is new or the woman.

There are two kinds of people, those who finish what they start, and so on.

I can resist everything except temptation.

Marriage is not a word; it is a sentence.

I hope that after I die, people will say of me: “That guy sure owed me a lot of money.”

I used to be a banker, but then I lost interest.

I envy people who drink – at least they know what to blame everything on.

Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

If you can’t be kind, at least have the decency to be vague.

“Heavier-than-air flying machines are impossible.” — Lord Kelvin, president, Royal Society, 1895.

Some people say that I must be a horrible person, but that’s not true. I have the heart of a young boy – in a jar on my desk.

Tell me what you need, and I’ll tell you how to get along without it.

“Managing senior programmers is like herding cats” — Dave Platt.

Where there’s a will, I want to be in it.

Borrow money from pessimists- they don’t expect to get it back.

Man shoots neighbour with machete [The Miami Herald, July 3]

If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?

We must believe in free will, we have no choice.

Don’t look back. Something may be gaining on you.

The only difference between Genius and Insanity... is success.

If I were two-faced, would I be wearing this one?

Next time you wave, use all your fingers.

If at first you do succeed, try to hide your astonishment.

There is nothing so annoying as to have two people go right on talking when you’re interrupting.

“Blink your eyelids periodically to lubricate your eyes.” — Page 16 of the HP “Environmental, Health Safety Handbook for Employees”.

“Then he ran into my knife. He ran into my knife ten times.” – Chicago

Why don’t you ever see the headline “Psychic Wins Lottery”?

Succeed in spite of management. Aim Low; Reach Your Goals, Avoid Disappointment.

In the office of a Roman doctor: Specialist in women and other diseases.

“How can a president not be an actor?” – when asked “How could an actor become president?” – Ronald Reagan

If at first you don’t succeed, destroy all the evidence that you tried.

Cheerfulness is contagious, but don’t wait to catch it from others. Be a carrier.

If all you have is a hammer, everything looks like a nail.

Marathon runners with bad footwear suffer the agony of defeat.

Why is it called tourist season if we can’t shoot at them?

I’m desperately trying to figure out why kamikaze pilots wore helmets.

Perhaps you’re diagonally parked in a parallel universe?

Every morning is the dawn of a new error.

It is hard enough to remember my opinions, without also remembering my reasons for them!

Remember... Marriage is the number one cause of divorce. Statistically, 100% of all divorces started with marriage.

Character is what you are in the dark.

“Oh dear,” said God, “I hadn’t thought of that,” and promptly vanished in a puff of logic.

If we aren’t supposed to eat animals, why are they made of meat?

If everything is coming your way, you are probably in the wrong lane.

I wished the buck stopped here, as I could use a few.

“Hey, I’ve got reasons for what I’m doing,” REALLY MEANS, “I sure hope I think of some pretty soon.”

How do I set a laser printer to stun?

Stupidity is not a handicap. Park elsewhere!

I majored in liberal arts. Will that be for here or to go?

Never underestimate the power of very stupid people in large groups.

Don’t talk unless you can improve the silence.

Who is General Failure and why is he reading my hard disk?

Anything’s possible... apart from skiing through a revolving door.

The only reason some people get lost in thought is because it’s unfamiliar territory.

When all other means of communication fail, try words.

A dog that attends a flea circus most likely will steal the whole show.

A bachelor is a man who comes to work from a different direction each morning.

My one regret in life is that I am not someone else.

The day I can’t do my job drunk is the day I turn in my badge and gun.

By the time a man realises that his father was right, he has a son who thinks he’s wrong.

“Reader, suppose you were an idiot. And suppose you were a member of Congress. But I repeat myself”. — Mark Twain

Illiterate? Write For Help.

Money is better than poverty, if only for financial reasons.

England has no kidney bank, but it does have a Liverpool.

I’m not into working out. My philosophy: No pain, no pain.

Men occasionally stumble over the truth, but most of them pick themselves up and hurry off as if nothing had happened. – Winston Churchill

Everything is possible; just not too probable.

I think that’s how Chicago got started. A bunch of people in New York said, “Gee, I’m enjoying the crime and the poverty, but it just isn’t cold enough. Let’s go west.”—Richard Jeni

Plan to be spontaneous tomorrow.

111,111,111 x 111,111,111 = 12,345,678,987,654,321

My husband says I never listen to him (at least I think that’s what he said)

It has recently been discovered that research causes cancer in rats.

Isn’t having a smoking section in a restaurant like having a peeing section in a swimming pool?

What do you call a dinosaur with an extensive vocabulary? A thesaurus.

In a Rome laundry: Ladies, leave your clothes here and spend the afternoon having a good time.

I have noticed that the people who are late are often so much jollier that the people who have to wait for them.

The only perfect science is hindsight.

If someone with multiple personalities threatens suicide... is it considered a hostage situation?

I tried sniffing Coke once, but the ice cubes got stuck in my nose.

Why does Sea World have a seafood restaurant? I’m halfway through my fish burger and I realize, Oh my gosh... I could be eating a slow learner.

We are going on a field trip to the Coca-Cola factory. I hope there are no pop quizzes.

“Always in motion the future is. Seasick it makes me. That’s why so green I am”. – Yoda

It’s hard to face the problem, when the problem is your face.

It is a fitting irony that under Richard Nixon, ‘launder’ became a dirty word.

Early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.

God must love stupid people, he made so many.

“My computer NEVER loc

An army of deer led by a lion is more to be feared than an army of lions led by a deer.

It is well to remember the entire population of the universe, with one trifling exception, is composed of others.

You have the right to your opinions. I just don’t want to hear them.

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