Amusing Quotes & One-Liners — Ned Martin’s Amused

Amusing Quotes & One-Liners

Knowledge is the key, but where is the damn lock?

Is Disney World the only people trap operated by a mouse?

“You can always count on Americans to do the right thing—after they’ve tried everything else” – Winston Churchill

I don’t believe in astrology. I am a Sagittarius and we’re very skeptical. ~ Arthur C. Clarke

Time is God’s way of keeping everything from happening at once.

You’re such an inspiration for the way I’ll never choose to be.

All men are equal. Some are just more equal than others.

Raising teenagers is like trying to nail Jell-O to a tree.

You have the right to your opinions. I just don’t want to hear them.

The illegal we do immediately. The unconstitutional takes a little longer. – Henry Kissinger

If you can’t dazzle them with brilliance... just baffle them with bullsh*t.

Modesty is a virtue of fools.

I married my wife for her looks... but not the ones she’s been giving me lately!

Everybody has a photographic memory. Some don’t have film.

The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.

Work expands to fill the time available. — PARKINSON’S LAW

Compromise: the art of dividing a cake so that everybody believes he or she got the biggest piece.

If you choke a smurf, what colour does it turn?

I married Miss Right. I just didn’t know her first name was Always.

Being single is like a vacuum. It sucks when you are turned on.

There are two kinds of people, those who finish what they start, and so on.

The scientific theory I like best is that the rings of Saturn are composed entirely of lost airline luggage.

I have a simple philosophy. Fill what’s empty. Empty what’s full. Scratch where it itches.

Blessed are those who can laugh at themselves, they will never cease to be amused.

I love work; it fascinates me; I can sit and watch it for hours.

I’m desperately trying to figure out why kamikaze pilots wore helmets.

I am not a vegetarian because I love animals; I am a vegetarian because I hate plants.

A great many people think they are thinking when they are merely rearranging their prejudices.

A dyslexic man walks into a bra.

Men don’t care what’s on TV. They only care what else is on TV.

Where do you find an Irish woodworm? Dead inside a brick.

I think, therefore I am single.

Politicians are people who, when they see the light at the end of the tunnel, go out and buy more tunnel.

Before you give a colleague a piece of your mind, be sure you can spare it.

Work: It isn’t just for sleeping anymore.

Eat a live toad first thing in the morning, and nothing worse can happen to you the rest of the day.

A backwards poet writes inverse.

I don’t have an attitude problem. You have a perception problem.

Bachelors have consciences, married men have wives.

If you’re not confused, you’re not paying attention.

He’s so lazy. I’ve seen him step into a revolving door and wait.

Insanity is hereditary; you can get it from your children.

Sex on television can’t hurt you unless you fall off.

It’s strange, isn’t it. You stand in the middle of a library and go aaaaagghhhh’ and everyone just stares at you. But you do the same thing on an aeroplane, and everyone joins in.

The early bird gets the worm, but the early worm gets eaten.

Madness takes its toll. Please have exact change.

To find out a girl’s faults, praise her to her girl friends.

Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don’t.

Connection Reset - Insufficient Electrons

No sense being pessimistic, it probably wouldn’t work anyway.

Energizer Bunny arrested: Charged with battery.

I’d give my right arm to be ambidextrous.

Succeed in spite of management. Aim Low; Reach Your Goals, Avoid Disappointment.

If you don’t know where you are going, you might wind up someplace else.

I am amazed at radio DJ’s today. I am firmly convinced that AM on my radio stands for Absolute Moron. I will not begin to tell you what FM stands for.

Hope sees the invisible, feels the intangible and achieves the impossible.

“The object of war is not to die for your country but to make the other bastard die for his.” – General George Patton

Abel Tasman on discovering Tasmania, “Too far south for spices and too close to the rim of the earth to be inhabited by anything but freaks and monsters”

“This ‘telephone’ has too many shortcomings to be seriously considered as a means of communication.” — Western Union internal memo, 1876.

If I were two-faced, would I be wearing this one?

One of the greatest labour-saving inventions today is tomorrow.

Don’t use a big word where a diminutive one will suffice.

A bargain is something you don’t need at a price you can’t resist.

If trees could scream, would we be so cavalier about cutting them down? We might, if they screamed all the time, for no good reason.

A committee is a body that keeps minutes and wastes hours.

A baby sitter is a teenager acting like an adult while the adults are out acting like teenagers.

Why does Sea World have a seafood restaurant? I’m halfway through my fish burger and I realize, Oh my gosh... I could be eating a slow learner.

I either want less corruption, or more chance to participate in it.

Pardon my driving, I am reloading.

The only reason some people get lost in thought is because it’s unfamiliar territory.

Don’t Be Sexist – Broads Hate That.

I’d like to see things your way, but I’m looking in another direction.

I don’t have a solution but I admire the problem.

If olive oil comes from olives, where does baby oil come from?

We waste time, so you don’t have to.

Half of being smart is knowing what you are dumb at.

When you are arguing with an idiot, make sure the other person isn’t doing the same thing.

Velcro — what a rip off!

It’s easy to quit smoking... I’ve done it over 10,000 times.

It is a small world, but I wouldn’t like to have to paint it.

Just because your head is the biggest doesn’t mean it contains the right ideas.

It is a fitting irony that under Richard Nixon, ‘launder’ became a dirty word.

So Many Pedestrians – So Little Time.

If it’s 0 degrees today and it’s going to be twice as cold tomorrow... how cold will it be?

There’s a difference between being open-minded and having a hole in your head

To succeed in politics, it is often necessary to rise above your principles.

You’re not drunk if you can lie on the floor without holding on.

When Chemists die, they barium.

Love is like an hourglass, with the heart filling up as the brain empties.

Slow is when someone laps you in the hundred-yard dash

Only a fool is astonished by the foolishness of humankind.

If you can stay calm, while all around you is chaos... then you probably haven’t completely understood the situation.

At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be “What is hell?” Come early and listen to our choir practice.

Smith & Wesson — the original point and click interface.

I installed a skylight in my apartment. The people who live above me are furious.

A diplomatic husband said to his wife, how do you expect me to remember your birthday when you never look any older?

You have to stay in shape. My grandmother, she started walking five miles a day when she was 60. She’s 97 today and we don’t know where the hell she is.

“They say hard work never hurt anybody, but I figure why take the chance.” – Ronald Reagan

I’m reading a book about anti-gravity. I can’t put it down.

“Einstein argued that there must be simplified explanations of nature, because God is not capricious or arbitrary. No such faith comforts the software engineer.” — Fred Brooks.

Shin: a device for finding furniture in the dark.

Cab drivers are living proof that practice does not make perfect.

When in trouble, fear or doubt, run in circles, scream and shout.

Man shoots neighbour with machete [The Miami Herald, July 3]

I want to die peacefully in my sleep like my grandfather, not screaming in abject horror like his passengers.

My parents stayed together for forty years, but that was out of spite.

Lots of people know a good thing the minute the other fellow sees it first.

Leftists are among the first to speak of their rights.

Tips for Vegetarians: Hit a chicken enough times and it turns into a vegetable.

He who smiles in a crisis has found someone to blame.

Brain: an apparatus with which we think we think.

Marathon runners with bad footwear suffer the agony of defeat.

I laugh in the face of danger, except if I’m involved.

Everything is possible; just not too probable.

As long as there are tests, there will be prayer in public schools.

If we don’t succeed, we run the risk of failure.

“I believe in equality for everyone, except reporters and photographers”. — Gandhi

Restarting System - Mouse Moved

After all is said and done, more is said than done.

The day I can’t do my job drunk is the day I turn in my badge and gun.

A synonym is a word you use when you can’t spell the word you first thought of.

Honest criticism is hard to take, particularly from a relative, a friend, an acquaintance, or a stranger.

I had amnesia once or twice.

There are two types of people in this world, good and bad. The good sleep better, but the bad seem to enjoy the waking hours much more.

They told me I had type A blood, but it was a Type O

I like children. Properly cooked.

An Apple a day keeps the doctor away. But... an onion a day keeps everyone away.

Humour. It is a difficult concept. It is not logical.

One should forgive one’s enemies, but not before they are hanged.

Life is far too important to be taken seriously.

A dog that attends a flea circus most likely will steal the whole show.

All the toilets in New York’s police stations have been stolen. The police have nothing to go on.

How do you keep an Irishman busy? Write P.T.O on both sides of a piece of paper.

If a job is worth doing well get someone else to do it.

Being a philosopher, I have a problem for every solution.

I tried sniffing Coke once, but the ice cubes got stuck in my nose.

Confidence is the feeling you have before you understand the situation

A person who smiles in the face of adversity... probably has a scapegoat.

I’m quite easy to get along with, once you learn to beckon at my every call and yield to all my desires.

Don’t look back. Something may be gaining on you.

In a Copenhagen airline ticket office: We take your bags and send them in all directions.

A bird in the hand is safer than one overhead.

If you want your spouse to listen and pay strict attention to every word you say, talk in your sleep.

I’m an idealist: I don’t know where I’m going, but I’m on my way.

I Haven’t Lost My Mind, It’s Backed Up On Disk Somewhere.

Money is flat and meant to be piled up. – Scottish Proverb

“I’ve been on a calendar but I have never been on time” – Marilyn Monroe

I stayed up all night to see where the sun went. Then it dawned on me.

If Bill Gates had a nickel for every time Windows crashed... oh wait, he does.

A bird does not sing because it has an answer—it sings because it has a song.

Prediction is extremely difficult. Especially about the future.

There are two kinds of people, those who finish what they start, and so on.

If we aren’t supposed to eat animals, why are they made of meat?

Early to rise, early to bed, makes a man healthy but socially dead.

Two signs from a Majorcan shop entrance: English well speaking / Here speeching American.

Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying of nothing.

People who think they know everything are annoying to those of us who do.

I live in my own little world, but it’s ok they know me here.

“Oh dear,” said God, “I hadn’t thought of that,” and promptly vanished in a puff of logic.

In this world, nothing is certain but death and taxes. – Benjamin Franklin

Bacteria: the only culture some people have.

Errors have been made. Others will be blamed.

I have the body of a GOD – Buddha.

The only difference between Genius and Insanity... is success.

An army of deer led by a lion is more to be feared than an army of lions led by a deer.

“How come we choose from just two people to run for president and 50 for Miss America?”

It’s important to be open-minded, but not SO open-minded that your brains fall out.

“Reader, suppose you were an idiot. And suppose you were a member of Congress. But I repeat myself”. — Mark Twain

“People who drink light beer don’t like the taste of beer; they just like to pee a lot” — Rodney Dangerfield

Someday we’ll look back on all this and plow into the back of a parked car.

I don’t suffer from stress. I’m a carrier.

He does the work of three men: Larry, Moe and Curly.

To B or not to B? *kills the B* I HATE BEES!!!! – LynxofCP

How Many Roads Must A Man Travel Down Before He Admits He Is Lost?

My mind not only wanders, sometimes it leaves completely.

The dictionary is the only place where success comes before work.

If you don’t know why I’m mad at you, then I’m certainly not going to tell you

Never argue with an idiot. They drag you down to their level then beat you with experience.

“Every mighty oak was once just a nut who stood his ground.”

Those who can laugh without cause have either found the true meaning of happiness or have gone stark raving mad.

To err is human – and to blame it on a computer is even more so.

In democracy it’s your vote that counts. In feudalism it’s your count that votes.

“C++ : Where friends have access to your private members.” — Gavin Russell Baker.

What does a clock do when it’s hungry? It goes back four seconds.

I couldn’t repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.

You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They left a little note on the windscreen, it said ‘Parking Fine.’

Man does not live by words alone, despite the fact that sometimes he has to eat them.

I used up all my sick days, so I’m calling in dead.

Lord, if you won’t make me skinny, please make all my friends fat.

Always try to be modest and be proud of it!

When angry count four, when very angry, swear.

I get enough exercise just pushing my luck.

The truth is a precious commodity. That’s why I use it so sparingly.

“I’d rather have a bottle in front of me, than a frontal lobotomy”. — Tom Waits

Perhaps you’re diagonally parked in a parallel universe?

The world is full of willing people; some willing to work, the rest willing to let them.

There are very few personal problems that cannot be solved through a suitable application of high explosives.

The difference between a stepping-stone and a stumbling block can be when you see it.

Men’s faults are many, women have only two. Everything they say, and everything they do.

Does this smell like chloroform to you?

Why don’t you ever see the headline “Psychic Wins Lottery”?

Advertisement for donkey rides in Thailand: Would you like to ride on your own ass?

The doctor can bury his mistakes but an architect can only advise his client to plant vines.

If you try and don’t succeed, cheat. Repeat until caught. Then lie.

“There are two major products that come out of Berkeley: LSD and UNIX. We don’t believe this to be a coincidence.” — Jeremy S. Anderson

Nobody can be exactly like me. Even I have trouble doing it.

“Heavier-than-air flying machines are impossible.” — Lord Kelvin, president, Royal Society, 1895.

Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.

How do you spot an Irishman at a carwash? He’s the one on the bike.

Some people are going to leave a mark on this world, while others will leave a stain.

If puns were outlawed, only outlaws would have puns.

At the age of six I wanted to be a cook. At seven I wanted to be Napoleon. And my ambition has been growing steadily ever since.

When a clock is hungry, it goes back four seconds.

A cartoonist was found dead in his home. Details are sketchy.

It’s not true that married men live longer than single men. It only seems longer.

If everything is coming your way, you are probably in the wrong lane.

Why is it that doctors call what they do “practice”?

Mind like a steel trap – rusty and illegal in most states.

“You, you and you: panic. The rest of you, come with me.”

Statistics are like bikinis – What they reveal is suggestive, but what they conceal is vital.

Maybe I’m lucky to be going so slowly, because I may be going in the wrong direction.

An egotist has one point in his favour – he doesn’t go round talking about other people.

Impotence: Nature’s Way Of Saying “No Hard Feelings”.

Remember the teakettle; though up to its neck in hot water, it continues to sing.

I’m not afraid of heights, only widths.

I love being married. It’s so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.

I’m not into working out. My philosophy: No pain, no pain.

Never buy a car you can’t push.

“He has been given a large brain by mistake, since for him the spinal cord would fully suffice.” — Albert Einstein

Remember, half the people you know are below average.

99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.

I often quote myself; it adds spice to my conversation.

“Inconceivable!” “I do not think that word means what you think it means.”

Anger is only one letter away from danger.

Climbers aim for the summit because it is there. Bungi jumpers dive off the top because they aren’t all there.

Why is it that to stop Windows, you have to click on “Start”?

It is wiser to find out than to suppose.—Mark Twain

Cole’s Law: Thinly sliced cabbage.

Anything that can become tangled around something else, will.

My favorite mythical creature? The honest politician.

My mind works like lightning. One brilliant flash and it is gone.

Well, if I called the wrong number, why did you answer the phone?

Where there’s a will, I want to be in it.

Santa’s helpers are subordinate clauses.

When all other means of communication fail, try words.

I’m an apathetic sociopath – I’d kill you if I cared.

I have spent my whole life looking for the perfect woman, and now I’ve found her. Too bad she’s looking for the perfect man.

Military intelligence is a contradiction in terms.

Tell me what you need, and I’ll tell you how to get along without it.

Always do sober what you said you’d do drunk. That will teach you to keep your mouth shut.

If you don’t know where you are going, you will wind up somewhere else.

It is not what a teenager knows that bothers his parents. It is how he found out.

Is there life before death?

I was at a bar nursing a beer. My nipple was getting quite soggy.

If you’re not wasted, the day is.

If the human brain were so simple that we could understand it, we would be so simple we couldn’t.

The trouble with the rat race is that even if you win, you’re still a rat.

Who is General Failure and why is he reading my hard disk?

Doctor, Doctor You’ve got to help me – I just can’t stop my hands shaking. Do you drink a lot? Not really – I spill most of it!

Alcohol: the cause of, and solution to, all of life’s problems.

How can you come out of a closet if you never went in there in the first place?

The light at the end of the tunnel has been turned off due to budget cuts.

Fundamentalism: Believe in a kind, loving God or we’ll kill you!

Youth would be an ideal state if it came a little later in life.

If it weren’t for electricity we’d all be watching television by candlelight?

Even paranoids have real enemies.

Sometimes I think the surest sign that intelligent life exists elsewhere in the universe is that none of it has tried to contact us.

If con is the opposite of pro, congress is the opposite of progress.

Having more money doesn’t make you happier. I have 50 million dollars but I’m just as happy as when I had 48 million. ~ Arnold Schwarzenegger.

If at first you do succeed, try to hide your astonishment.

I work hard because millions on welfare depend on me.

“When you starve with a tiger, the tiger starves last”. — Griffin’s Thought

What’s another word for Thesaurus?

An egotist is a person of low taste—more interested in himself than in me.

A bachelor is a man who comes to work from a different direction each morning.

What Has Four Legs And An Arm? A Happy Pit Bull.

The trouble with jogging is that, by the time you realise you’re not in shape for it, it’s far too far to walk back.

He’s not dead, he’s electroencephalographically challenged.

If all you have is a hammer, everything looks like a nail.

It used to be only death and taxes were inevitable. Now, of course, there’s shipping and handling, too.

Macho Law prohibits me from admitting I’m wrong.

I used to be a banker, but then I lost interest.

England has no kidney bank, but it does have a Liverpool.

Time flies like an arrow – fruit flies like a banana.

Am I getting smart with you? How would you know?

How do I set a laser printer to stun?

Jokes about German sausage are the wurst.

If at first you don’t succeed, try management.

My husband says I never listen to him (at least I think that’s what he said)

What happens if you get scared half to death twice?

If a President doesn’t do it to his wife, he’ll do it to his country.

Make sure your mind isn’t so open that your brains fall out.

I Refuse To Have A Battle Of Wits With An Unarmed Person.

The things that come to those that wait may be the things left by those who got there first.

Horn broken. Watch for finger. (on bumper sticker)

I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.

I am a nobody, nobody is perfect, therefore I’m perfect.

Man who drive like hell bound to get there.

Honesty is the best policy, but insanity is a better defence.

I thought I made a mistake once, but I was wrong.

“My computer NEVER loc

From the moment I picked your book up until I laid it down I was convulsed with laughter. Some day I intend reading it.

“Life is a waste of time, time is a waste of life, so get wasted all of the time and have the time of your life”. — Tom Waits

The beatings will continue until morale improves.

Honk if you love peace and quiet.

What’s the definition of a will? (It’s a dead giveaway).

Stupidity is not a handicap. Park elsewhere!

Keyboard not detected. Press F1 to continue

My reality check just bounced.

Best way to get a man to do something, is to suggest they are too old for it.

If you want a committed man, look in a mental hospital.

By the time a man realises that his father was right, he has a son who thinks he’s wrong.

Well, this day was a total waste of makeup.

Save the whales. Collect the whole set.

Procrastinate Now!

“I could tell that my parents hated me. My bath toys were a toaster and a radio” — Rodney Dangerfield

Acupuncture is a jab well done.

When you do not know what you are doing, do it neatly.

A day without sun shine is like, you know, night.

All my life, I always wanted to be somebody. Now I see that I should have been more specific.

I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol.

Bachelors know more about women than married men; if they didn’t they’d be married too.

Venison for dinner again? Oh deer!

They say if you play a Microsoft CD backwards you hear satanic messages. That’s nothing, if you play it forwards it installs Windows.

This mind intentionally left blank

Success always occurs in private, and failure in full public view.

“You have to be careful about being too careful” – Beryl Pfizer

I take everything I can for my kleptomania.

If I were someone who knew something, who could I tell that would believe me?

For Sale: Parachute. Only used once, never opened, small stain.

Don’t take life too seriously—you’ll never get out of it alive.

Women like silent men. They think they’re listening.

My life has a superb cast but I can’t figure out the plot.

Age is a question of mind over matter. If you don’t mind, it don’t matter.

If at first you don’t succeed, try, try again. Then quit. There’s no use being a damned fool about it.

Go the extra mile. It makes your boss look like an incompetent slacker.

The sooner you fall behind the more time you’ll have to catch up.

If people concentrated on the really important things in life, there’d be a shortage of fishing poles.

Proofread carefully to see if you any words out.

Early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.

One good turn gets most of the blankets.

Well if this is the wrong number, why did you answer it?

You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say will be misquoted then used against you.

Next time you wave, use all your fingers.

Money is better than poverty, if only for financial reasons.

You look like a million dollars. All green and wrinkled.

Get a new car for your spouse – it’ll be a great trade!

I had some words with my wife, and she had some paragraphs with me.

“Managing senior programmers is like herding cats” — Dave Platt.

“The best thing about the future is that it comes only one day at a time.” – Abraham Lincoln

If at first you don’t succeed, skydiving is not your sport.

Not all men are annoying. Some are dead.

If life was fair, Elvis would be alive and all the impersonators would be dead.

Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian any more than going to the garage makes you a car.

“A patriot must always be ready to defend his country against his government”. — Edward Abbey

Some people are alive only because it’s illegal to kill them.

Good judgement comes from experience. Experience comes from bad judgement.

“#define QUESTION ((bb) || !(bb))” — Shakespeare

“My wife made me join a bridge club. I jump off next Tuesday” — Rodney Dangerfield

The shortest distance between two points is under construction.

Eschew obfuscation.

I did a theatrical performance about puns. It was a play on words.

Foolproof systems don’t take into account the ingenuity of fools.

Comedy is tragedy plus time.

Age always corresponds inversely to the size of your multivitamin.

If you can’t be kind, at least have the decency to be vague.

For people who like peace and quiet – a phoneless cord.

I dropped out of communism class because of lousy Marx.

Ever stop to think and forget to start again?

Marriage is not a word; it is a sentence.

Despite the cost of living it’s still very popular.

“Blink your eyelids periodically to lubricate your eyes.” — Page 16 of the HP “Environmental, Health Safety Handbook for Employees”.

Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.

I wondered why the baseball was getting bigger. Then it hit me.

If it weren’t for the last minute, nothing would ever get done.

If you’re born again, do you have two bellybuttons?

Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.

I’m out of my mind, but feel free to leave a message.

The amount of work to be done increases in proportion to the amount of work already completed. — VAIL’S SECOND AXIOM

What if there were no hypothetical questions?

Everybody is ignorant, only on different subjects.

I was the next door kid’s imaginary friend.

Two strings walk into a bar. The first string says to the bartender, “Bartender, I’ll have a beer. u.5n$x5t?*&4ru!2[sACCErJ”. The second string says, “Pardon my friend, he isn’t NULL terminated”.

Warning: Dates in Calendar are closer than they appear.

You can always spot a well-informed man – his views are the same as yours.

There are 3 kinds of people: those who can count and those who can’t.

I thought I wanted a career, turns out I just wanted paychecks.

There is nothing so annoying as to have two people go right on talking when you’re interrupting.

Quantum mechanics: The dreams stuff is made of.

How did Moses make his tea? Hebrews it.

Never go to a doctor whose office plants have died.

Always remember you’re unique, just like everyone else.

Half our life is spent trying to find something to do with the time we have rushed through life trying to save.

Why is the man that invests your money called a broker?

As the light changed from red to green to yellow and back to red again, I sat there thinking about life. Was it nothing more than a bunch of honking and yelling? Sometimes it seemed that way.

The only perfect science is hindsight.

I didn’t like my beard at first. Then it grew on me.

Did you hear about the cross-eyed teacher who lost her job because she couldn’t control her pupils?

There are three ways to get something done: do it yourself, hire someone, or forbid your kids to do it.

I got a job at a bakery because I kneaded dough.

I don’t like people who take drugs... Customs Officers for example.

When I’m not in my right mind, my left mind gets pretty crowded

A conclusion is simply the place where you got tired of thinking.

111,111,111 x 111,111,111 = 12,345,678,987,654,321

Ninety-nine per cent of the people in the world are fools and the rest of us are in great danger of contagion.

In the beginning, God created earth and rested. Then God created man and rested. Then God created woman. Since then, neither God nor man has rested.

If vegetable oil comes from vegetables, where does baby oil come from?

Some people are alive only because it’s illegal to kill them.

Chipped dishes never break.

IRS: We’ve got what it takes to take what you’ve got.

A soldier who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran.

Democracy is a government where you can say what you think even if you don’t think.

Every time I look at you I get a fierce desire to be lonesome.

Life... I don’t get it...

Last night I lay in bed looking up at the stars in the sky and I thought to myself, “Where the heck is the ceiling?”

“If builders built buildings the way programmers write programs, then the first woodpecker that came along would destroy civilization” — Weinberg’s Second Law.

Plato is dead, Einstein is dead, and I’m not feeling too good myself...

What do you call a dinosaur with an extensive vocabulary? A thesaurus.

Everything you like is bad for you in some way.

Originality is the fine art of remembering what you hear, but forgetting where you heard it.

Men are from earth. Women are from earth. Deal with it.

Stupidity is not a handicap! Park somewhere else!

He who laughs last thinks slowest.

My girlfriend told me I should be more affectionate. So I got two more girlfriends.

Authority makes some people grow – and others just swell.

Arguing on the Internet is like competing in the Special Olympics – even if you win, you are still retarded.

A printer consists of three main parts: the case, the jammed paper tray and the blinking red light

If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?

Marriage changes passion... suddenly you’re in bed with a relative.

Whenever I feel like exercise, I lie down until the feeling passes.

You’ll never get to heaven if you’re scared of getting high.

Bacteria: the only culture some people have.

Constipated People Don’t Give A Crap.

Age is an issue of mind over matter. If you don’t mind, it doesn’t matter.

On a tombstone: I TOLD YOU I WAS SICK

Computers make it easy to do a lot of things, but most of the things that make it easier to do don’t need to be done.

When in doubt, mumble.

“Few things are harder to put up with than a good example.”—Mark Twain

Be kind to your dentist. He has fillings, too.

Hard work never killed anybody but why take the chance?

An Irish man was driving to the airport when he saw a sign saying ‘Airport – Left’... So he went home.

The trouble with our times is that the future is not what it used to be.

On the plus side, death is one of the few things that can be done just as easily as lying down.

I generally avoid temptation unless I can’t resist it.

Life is complex: it has real and imaginary parts.

We have two ends. One for sitting and one for thinking. Our success depends on which one we use most.

A study in the Washington Post says that women have better verbal skills than men. I just want to say to the authors of that study: “Duh.”— Conan O’Brien

Allow me to introduce my selves.

Mines are equal opportunity weapons.

I intend to live forever – so far, so good.

Lead us not into temptation. Just tell us where it is; we’ll find it.

If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?

Vote for the man who promises least; he’ll be the least disappointing.

One good thing about repeating your mistakes is that you know when to cringe.

I am obviously right, and as you disagree with me, then logically you must be wrong.

Friends may come and go, but enemies accumulate

Don’t talk unless you can improve the silence.

If you don’t pay your exorcist you get repossessed.

Age is a very high price to pay for maturity.

Smoking cures weight problems...eventually...

Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

The short fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.

Laughing stock: cattle with a sense of humour.

Anything not nailed down is mine. Anything I can pry loose is not nailed down.

“I have left orders to be awakened at any time in case of national emergency – even if I’m in a Cabinet meeting.” – Ronald Reagan

You can say any foolish thing to a dog, and the dog will give you a look that says, “My God, you’re right! I never would’ve thought of that!”

If a man opens a car door for a woman, either the car is new or the woman.

The man who fell into an upholstery machine is fully recovered.

Be careful when reading health books; you may die of a misprint.

A pessimist is a man who has been compelled to live with an optimist

AIBOHPHOBIA – the fear of palindromes.

Optimists believe we live on the greatest world. Pessimists believe this is true.

If At First You Don’t Succeed... Blame Someone Else And Seek Counseling.

He often broke into song because he couldn’t find the key.

“Then he ran into my knife. He ran into my knife ten times.” – Chicago

It doesn’t matter what temperature the room is; it’s always room temperature.

The human brain is a wonderful thing. It starts working the moment you are born, and never stops until you stand up to speak in public.

“A girl phoned me the other day and said... Come on over, there’s nobody home. I went over. Nobody was home” — Rodney Dangerfield

Birthdays are good for you. Statistics show that the people who have the most live the longest.

Killed - Personality Incompatibility

Cheer up, the worst is yet to come.

Why were the Indians here first? They had reservations.

If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?

A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a train stops. On my desk I have a workstation...

I love cats – they taste just like chicken.

Caution – Driver Legally Blonde!

Needing someone is like needing a parachute. If he isn’t there the first time you need him, chances are you won’t be needing him again.

Doctor, Doctor I keep getting pains in the eye when I drink coffee. Have you tried taking the spoon out?

How do you get an Irishman to burn his ear? Ring him up while he is ironing.

Don’t marry for money. You can borrow it cheaper.

One martini is all right, two is too many, and three is not enough.

Before marriage, a man yearns for the woman he loves. After marriage, the ‘Y’ becomes silent.

System Error - Windows Loaded

Show me a piano falling down a mineshaft and I’ll show you A-flat minor.

A poor excuse is like an old bucket; doesn’t matter what shape it is in, as long as it holds water.

I fear my inferiority complex is not as good as yours.

Snowmen fall from Heaven unassembled.

The number of people watching you is directly proportional to the stupidity of your action.

Does your train of thought have a caboose?

Bigamy is having one wife too many. Monogamy is the same. – Oscar Wilde

Outside a Hong Kong tailor shop: Ladies may have a fit upstairs.

Ours is a world where people don’t know what they want and are willing to go through hell to get it.

We Quit Voting Will They All Go Away?

Why is the third hand on the watch called a second hand?

Seen it all, done it all, can’t remember most of it.

“I worked in a pet shop and people kept asking how big I’d get” — Rodney Dangerfield

I don’t approve of political jokes... I’ve seen too many of them get elected.

System Error - Windows Loaded

Progress was all right. Only it went on too long.

Remember... Marriage is the number one cause of divorce. Statistically, 100% of all divorces started with marriage.

I spent most of my money on booze, drugs and women... The rest I wasted!

When I was a boy I was told that anybody could become president; I’m beginning to believe it.

You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.

Be nice to your kids. They’ll choose your nursing home.

I’m not dumb; I just have a command of thoroughly useless information.

Most vegetarians look so much like the food they eat that they can be classified as cannibals.

How do you sink an Irish Submarine? Knock on the hatch.

I wonder how much deeper would the ocean be without sponges.

Man who run in front of car get tired.

Red Tape Holds Up New Bridge!

God must love stupid people, he made so many.

Experience is something you do not get until just after you need it.

I don’t necessarily agree with everything I say.

I don’t suffer from stress. I’m a carrier.

Money can’t buy happiness, but it sure makes misery easier to live with.

Time sneaks up on you like a windshield on a bug.

The more time you spend in reporting on what you are doing, the less time you have to do it in. Stability is achieved when you spend all your time doing nothing but reporting on the nothing you are doing.

Youth is a wonderful thing. What a crime to waste it on children.

Brilliant, but with the social skills of a thermonuclear device.

Promises are like babies: fun to make, but hell to deliver.

Even crime wouldn’t pay if the government ran it.

One day I will get this peer guy and reset his connection.

He who trains his tongue to quote the learned sages, will be known far and wide as a smart ass.

According to recent study someone is run over by a car every 5 minutes in the city. You’d think the guy would have enough sense to get out of the street.

Some people say that I must be a horrible person, but that’s not true. I have the heart of a young boy – in a jar on my desk.

I have noticed that the people who are late are often so much jollier that the people who have to wait for them.

The trouble with life is there’s no background music.

Man who run behind car get exhausted.

Englishmen never will be slaves: they are free to do whatever the Government and public opinion allow them to do.

It’s not that I’m afraid to die; I just don’t want to be there when it happens.

e=mc^2 where m = the number of cooks required to spoil the broth

I can please only one person per day. Today is not your day. Tomorrow isn’t looking good either.

I took a speed reading course and read ‘War and Peace’ in twenty minutes. It involves Russia. Enough women for four.

“When in doubt tell the truth.”—Mark Twain

“I think there is a world market for maybe five computers.” — Thomas Watson, chairman of IBM, 1943.

Just because you’re not paranoid doesn’t mean they’re not out to get you.

The earthquake in Washington obviously was the government’s fault.

Anyone can admit they were wrong; the true test is admitting it to someone else.

I started out with nothing, and I still have most of it.

Tip the world over on its side and everything loose will land in Los Angeles.

Blessed are the young, for they shall inherit the national debt.

Some pain is physical, and some is mental, but one that’s both is dental.

I used to find him boring until I stopped listening.

I have gone to look for myself, if I should return before I get back, keep me here.

In the beginning, there was nothing. Then God said, “Let there be light,” and there was still nothing, but you could see it.

“If women didn’t exist, all the money in the world would have no meaning.” – Aristotle Onassis

Cluster bombing from B-52s is very, very accurate – the bombs always hit the ground.

I like kids, but I don’t think I could eat a whole one.

“Thinking is the hardest work there is, which is probably why so few engage in it”. — Henry Ford

History will be kind to me for I intend to write it. – Winston Churchill

We spend the first twelve months of our children’s lives teaching them to walk and talk and the next twelve telling them to sit down and shut up.

A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat.

I used to be apathetic, but now I don’t give a damn.

“Everyday I beat my own previous record for number of consecutive days I’ve stayed alive.”

Cleverly Disguised As A Responsible Adult.

We are going on a field trip to the Coca-Cola factory. I hope there are no pop quizzes.

If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?

Laugh and the world laughs with you; snore and you sleep alone.

“The generation of random numbers is too important to be left to chance.” — Robert R. Coveyou, Oak Ridge National Laboratory.

There’s a fine line between genius and insanity. I have erased this line.

We’ve made great medical progress in the last generation. What used to be merely an itch is now an allergy.

Without question, the greatest invention in the history of mankind is beer. Oh, I grant you that the wheel was also a fine invention, but the wheel does not go nearly as well with pizza.

Love is blind, but marriage is a real eye-opener.

It is even harder for the average ape to believe that he has descended from man.

“Auntie Em: hate you, hate Kansas, taking the dog.” – Dorothy

Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy.

Sheep don’t fly so much as plummet.

If at first you don’t succeed, destroy all the evidence that you tried.

The best computer is a man, and it’s the only one that can be mass-produced by unskilled labour.

Eagles may soar, but weasels don’t get sucked into jet engines.

Better to remain silent and be thought a fool, than to speak and remove all doubt.

In a Tokyo shop: Our nylons cost more than common, but you’ll find they are best in the long run.

Accept that some days you’re the pigeon, and some days you’re the statue.

Jokes about German sausage are the wurst.

If you can’t beat your computer at chess, try kickboxing.

Make three correct guesses consecutively and you will establish yourself as an expert.

“You start coding. I’ll go find out what they want.” — Computer analyst to programmer

If a woman has to choose between catching a fly ball and saving an infant’s life, she will choose to save the infant’s life without even considering if there is a man on base.—Dave Barry

I changed my iPod’s name to Titanic. It’s syncing now.

A conscience does not prevent sin. It only prevents you from enjoying it.

This Would Be Really Funny If It Weren’t Happening To Me.

How do you know if a fish is Irish? It has drowned.

I plead contemporary insanity.

“Banking establishments are more dangerous than standing armies”. — Thomas Jefferson

It is not my interest to pay the principal, nor my principal to pay the interest.

It is hard to understand how a cemetery raised its burial charges and blamed it on the cost of living.

Sheep don’t fly so much as plummet.

Solitude is fine, but you need someone to tell you that solitude is fine.

Character is what you are in the dark.

Everybody is ignorant, only on different subjects.

I can resist everything except temptation.

What sane person could live in this world and not be crazy?

“I’ve noticed that everyone who is for abortion has already been born.” – Ronald Reagan

Booze is the answer. I don’t remember the question.

I am free of all prejudices. I hate everyone equally.

Programmer – A red-eyed, mumbling mammal capable of conversing with inanimate objects.

Support bacteria – they’re the only culture some people have.

You can’t have everything. Where would you put it?

Seeing a murder on television...will help work off one’s antagonisms. And if you haven’t any antagonisms, the commercials will give you some.

It is said that if you line up all the cars in the world end to end, someone would be stupid enough to try and pass them.

Take my advice, I don’t use it anyway.

This girl said she recognized me from the vegetarian club, but I’d never met herbivore

“I would like to live in Manchester, England. The transition between Manchester and death would be unnoticeable”. — Mark Twain

I majored in liberal arts. Will that be for here or to go?

In the office of a Roman doctor: Specialist in women and other diseases.

Democracy is a process by which people are free to choose the man who will get the blame.

Quantum: Noun, word used to sound like I know what I’m talking about while discussing physics I’ve never actually studied.

If someone with multiple personalities threatens suicide... is it considered a hostage situation?

My schoolmates would make love to anything that moved, but I never saw any reason to limit myself.

“Always in motion the future is. Seasick it makes me. That’s why so green I am”. – Yoda

The secret of success is sincerity. Once you can fake that you’ve got it made.

There are only three kinds of people; people who can count and people who can’t.

Why is it called tourist season if we can’t shoot at them?

If the French were really intelligent, they’d speak English.

If sex is such a natural phenomenon, how come there are so many books on how to do it.

Anything’s possible... apart from skiing through a revolving door.

“There is no reason anyone would want a computer in their home.” — Ken Olson, founder of Digital Equipment Corp., 1977.

If you can’t convince them, confuse them.

Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.

I used to think I was indecisive, but now I’m not sure.

People can be divided into three groups: Those who make things happen, those who watch things happen, and those who wonder what happened.

Why do we wash bath towels, aren’t we clean when we use them?

I hope that after I die, people will say of me: “That guy sure owed me a lot of money.”

Latest survey shows that 3 out of 4 people make up 75% of the world’s population.

When your IQ reaches 80 –– sell.

Applying computer technology is simply finding the right wrench to pound in the correct screw.

Help Wanted: Telepath. You know where to apply.

Being in the army is like being in the Boy Scouts, except that the Boy Scouts have adult supervision.

I majored in liberal arts. Will that be for here or to go?

Eagles may soar, but weasels don’t get sucked into jet engines.

My one regret in life is that I am not someone else.

Laugh at your problems; everybody else does.

This comment is printed on 100% recycled electrons.

I think that’s how Chicago got started. A bunch of people in New York said, “Gee, I’m enjoying the crime and the poverty, but it just isn’t cold enough. Let’s go west.”—Richard Jeni

If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?

Borrow money from pessimists- they don’t expect to get it back.

People don’t grow up; they just learn how to act in public.

Connection Reset By Aboriginal With Wire Cutters

It is well to remember the entire population of the universe, with one trifling exception, is composed of others.

When you come to a fork in the road, take it.

TEAMWORK... means never having to take all the blame yourself.

Under capitalism, man exploits man. Under Communism, it’s just the opposite.

I wished the buck stopped here, as I could use a few.

I’d explain it to you, but your brain would explode.

No problem is so big and complicated that it can’t be ran away from.

Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?

It’s not hard to meet expenses, they’re everywhere.

Hang in there; retirement is only thirty years away.

There’s a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot.

Cheerfulness is contagious, but don’t wait to catch it from others. Be a carrier.

Never put off until tomorrow what you can avoid altogether.

This guy walks into a bar and the barman says “Ouch, that must have hurt”

I don’t meet competition. I crush it

My husband and I divorced over religious differences... He thought he was God and I didn’t.

If we learn by our mistakes, some of us are getting one hell of an education!


I tried to photograph the fog, but I mist.

Living is not worth dying for.

Five out of four people have trouble with fractions.

The art of flying is to throw yourself at the ground and miss.

“Things are more like they are now than they ever were before.” – Former U.S. President Dwight D. Eisenhower

Plan to be spontaneous tomorrow.

In a Budapest zoo: Please do not feed the animals. If you have any suitable food, give it to the guard on duty.

Isn’t having a smoking section in a restaurant like having a peeing section in a swimming pool?

If I have to work for an idiot, I might as well work for myself.

Heck is where people go who don’t believe in gosh.

A penny saved is a Congressional spending oversight.

Nothing means nothing, but it isn’t really nothing because nothing is something that isn’t.

“This report, by its very length, defends itself against the risk of being read”. — Winston Churchill

Hypochondria is the only disease I haven’t got.

Men occasionally stumble over the truth, but most of them pick themselves up and hurry off as if nothing had happened. – Winston Churchill

“Reading computer manuals without the hardware is as frustrating as reading sex manuals without the software.” — Arthur C. Clarke.

Legend: a lie that has attained the dignity of age.

Don’t use a big word where a diminutive one will suffice.

The sooner you fall behind the more time you’ll have to catch up.

Illiterate? Write For Help.

Democracy is the recurrent suspicion that more than half of the people are right more than half of the time.

Someone sent me a postcard picture of the earth. On the back it said, “Wish you were here.”

Mental Floss prevents Moral Decay.

It’s hard to face the problem, when the problem is your face.

Instead of getting married again, I’m going to find a woman I don’t like and just give her a house.—Rod Stewart

Half of the people in the world are below average.

If the world should blow itself up, the last audible voice would be that of an expert saying it can’t be done.

The chance of a piece of bread falling with the buttered side down is directly proportional to the cost of the carpet.

A procrastinator’s work is never done.

Everybody lies, but it doesn’t matter since nobody listens.

As a final incentive before giving up a difficult task, try to imagine it successfully accomplished by someone you violently dislike.

Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7th of your life.

Whenever people agree with me, I always feel I must be wrong.

Everyone needs belief in something. I believe I’ll have another beer.

Men have a much better time of it than women; for one thing, they marry later; for another thing they die earlier.

Anything not nailed down is a cat toy.

When life hands you a lemon, make lemonade.

“I am not worried about the deficit. It is big enough to take care of itself.” – Ronald Reagan

When he first ran for office, he appealed to the voters: “I never stole anything in my life. All I ask is a chance.”

Conscience is the inner voice warning us that someone may be looking.

I have kleptomania, but when it gets bad, I take something for it. ~ Robert Benchle

Never put both feet in your mouth at the same time, because then you don’t have a leg to stand on.

I guess traffic in the city is improving a little. Yesterday, I drove clear across town and only had to shave twice.

If I’d known I was going to live this long, I’d have taken better care of myself.

On the keyboard of life, always keep one finger on the escape key.

I haven’t spoken to my wife for 18 months: I don’t like to interrupt her.

It has recently been discovered that research causes cancer in rats.

Nick Overruled - Democratic Majority Decision

Hemp is a herb. Bush is a dope.

Remember half the people you know are below average.

Be thankful for problems. If they were less difficult, someone with less ability might have your job.

On the other hand you have different fingers.

Genius is 1% inspiration, and 99% perspiration.

“On two occasions I have been asked [by members of Parliament!]: ‘Pray, Mr. Babbage, if you put into the machine wrong figures, will the right answers come out ?’ I am not able rightly to apprehend the kind of confusion of ideas that could provoke such a question.” — Charles Babbage.

I spilled spot remover on my dog. Now he’s gone.

They say you only use ten percent of your brain. What about the other ten?

“I wish everyone was peaceful. Then I could take over the planet with a butter knife”—Dogbert

Oh, don’t fuss. I just cut myself. It’s no big deal,” REALLY MEANS, “I have actually severed a limb, but will bleed to death before I admit I’m hurt.”

Streakers beware: Your end is in sight.

I’m in no shape to exercise.

Every morning is the dawn of a new error.

To define recursion, we must first define recursion.

I arise in the morning torn between a desire to improve the world and a desire to enjoy the world. This makes it hard to plan the day.

“Hey, I’ve got reasons for what I’m doing,” REALLY MEANS, “I sure hope I think of some pretty soon.”

Somewhere on this globe, every ten seconds, is a woman giving birth to a child. She must be found and stopped.

Any ship can be a minesweeper... once.

If it’s true that we are here to help others, then what exactly are the others here for?

Wine divulges truth.

Confidence is the feeling you have before you understand the situation.

“War does not determine who is right - only who is left.” – Bertrand Russell

I like to start my periods with sentences.

Don’t stop to stomp on ants when the elephants are stampeding.

People with narrow minds usually have broad tongues.

A clean tie attracts the soup of the day.

“As a matter of fact” is an expression that precedes many an expression that isn’t.

I think animal testing is a terrible idea; they get all nervous and give the wrong answers.

Plagiarism saves time.

There are 10 types of people in the world: Those who understand binary, and those who don’t.

Consciousness: that annoying time between naps.

The dumber people think you are, the more surprised they’re going to be when you kill them—Rodney Dangerfield

Murphy’s Golden Rule: Whoever has the gold makes the rules.

Gossip: The art of saying nothing while leaving nothing unsaid.

Years ago fairy tales began with “Once upon a time...” Now it’s “If I am elected...”

Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?

I used to be a Kleptomaniac, But now I’m taking something for it

All those who believe in psycho kinesis raise my hand.

Everybody is somebody else’s weirdo.

Anyone who told you to be yourself couldn’t have given you worse advice.

Just remember... if the world didn’t suck, we’d all fall off.

Roses are red, Violets are blue. In Soviet Russia, Poems write you.

Technology is a way of organizing the universe so that man doesn’t have to experience it.

It’s just a job. Grass grows, birds fly, waves pound the sand. I just beat people up. – Muhammad Ali

Chaos, panic, & disorder – my work here is done.

I’ve been trying for some time to develop a life style that doesn’t require my presence.

If you do not make dust, you eat dust.

“How can a president not be an actor?” – when asked “How could an actor become president?” – Ronald Reagan

In a Norwegian cocktail lounge: Ladies are requested not to have children in the bar.

I’ve always wanted to be normal, but lately I’ve come to suspect that this is it.

What do you call a dinosaur with an extensive vocabulary? A thesaurus.

When you get a bladder infection, urine trouble.

Where you stand depends on where you sit.

Time’s fun when you’re having flies... Kermit the Frog

Broken pencils are pointless.

I heard a man say that brigands demand your money or your life, whereas women require both.

It is hard enough to remember my opinions, without also remembering my reasons for them!

I took an IQ test and the results were negative.

I know a guy who is addicted to brake fluid. He says he can stop anytime.

Get even – live long enough to be a problem to your kids.

I hate women because they always know where things are.

Sometimes I wake up grumpy; other times I let her sleep

I have great faith in fools; my friends call it self-confidence.

Artificial Intelligence is no match for Natural Stupidity.

The surprising thing about young fools is how many survive to become old fools.

Pick your friends but not to pieces.

“There are only two things that are infinite: the universe and human stupidity. And I’m not sure about the universe.” A. Einstein

Shin: a device for finding furniture in the dark.

In a Rome laundry: Ladies, leave your clothes here and spend the afternoon having a good time.

A guy got arrested for playing the guitar. He was fingering a minor.

In elementary school, in case of fire, you have to line up quietly in a single file line from smallest to tallest. What is the logic? Do tall people burn slower?

I have had more trouble with myself than with any other man I’ve met.

I always wanted to be somebody, but I should have been more specific.

Moderation in all things, including moderation.

Don’t be irreplaceable; if you cannot be replaced, you cannot be promoted.

“The web is a dominatrix. Every where I turn, I see little buttons ordering me to Submit.” — Nytwind.

If you think nobody cares if you’re alive, try missing a couple of car payments.

“Your mouse has moved. Windows must be restarted for the change to take effect. Reboot now ? [OK]”

I don’t enjoy computer jokes; not one bit.

Whenever there is any doubt, there is no doubt.

If money talks, it ain’t on speakin’ terms with me.

Experience is simply the name we give our mistakes.

Man who eat many prunes get good run for money.

We must believe in free will, we have no choice.

If quizzes are quizzical, what are tests?

PMS jokes aren’t funny. Period.

If automobiles had followed the same development cycle as the computer, a Rolls Royce would today cost $100, get a million miles per gallon, and explode once a year, killing everyone inside.

I envy people who drink – at least they know what to blame everything on.

I love deadlines. I especially like the whooshing sound they make as they go flying by.

Everyone hates me because I’m paranoid.

That which cannot be taken apart will fall apart.

The most powerful force in the universe is gossip.

“If carrots are so good for the eyes, how come I see so many dead rabbits on the highway?”

It’s bad luck to be superstitious.

Any task worth doing was worth doing yesterday.

A hangover is the wrath of grapes.

I’m sorry; you cannot have an outlook on life because it isn’t responding. Microsoft apologises for any inconvenience.

Once, during prohibition, I was forced to live for days on nothing but food and water.

Outside of a dog, a book is probably man’s best friend, and inside of a dog, it’s too dark to read.

I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.

There is no such thing as an underestimate of average intelligence

“Are you going to come quietly, or do I have to use earplugs?”—Vale Spike Milligan

If ever I get married again it would have to be under an anaesthetic.

Haunted French pancakes give me the crêpes.

“I have never let my schooling interfere with my education.”—Mark Twain

I used to think I was indecisive, but now I’m not sure.

If you don’t learn to laugh at troubles, you won’t have anything to laugh at when you grow old.

Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?

Of course, we are all worms—but I like to think, at least, that I am a glow-worm. – Winston Churchill

Partying... oops No Only Parting... sorry

I stayed up all night to see where the sun went. Then it dawned on me.

I always wanted to be a procrastinator, never got around to it though.

“Always be sincere, even when you don’t mean it”. — Irene Peter

Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way when you criticize them, you are a mile away from them and you have their shoes.

I don’t want to achieve immortality through my work. I want to achieve immortality through not dying.

The most precious thing we have is life. Yet it has absolutely no trade-in value.

What hair color do they put on the driver’s licenses of bald men?

Jack and Jill did it for the insurance.

Marriage is a three-ring circus: engagement ring, wedding ring, and suffering.

Never underestimate the power of very stupid people in large groups.

Time is a great teacher, but unfortunately it kills all its pupils.

Anywhere is walking distance, if you’ve got the time.

If you can’t convince them, confuse them.

The fellow who thinks he knows it all is especially annoying to those of us who do.

The second day of a diet is alway easier than the first. By the second day, you’re off it.

When I was young, I could remember anything. Whether it happened or not.

A drop of ink may make a million think.

A team effort is a lot of people doing what I say

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