Amusing Quotes & One-Liners — Ned Martin’s Amused

Amusing Quotes & One-Liners

“If women didn’t exist, all the money in the world would have no meaning.” – Aristotle Onassis

Make three correct guesses consecutively and you will establish yourself as an expert.

Everything is possible; just not too probable.

“My wife made me join a bridge club. I jump off next Tuesday” — Rodney Dangerfield

You can’t have everything. Where would you put it?

It is not what a teenager knows that bothers his parents. It is how he found out.

Tell me what you need, and I’ll tell you how to get along without it.

I don’t have a solution but I admire the problem.

Abel Tasman on discovering Tasmania, “Too far south for spices and too close to the rim of the earth to be inhabited by anything but freaks and monsters”

I don’t suffer from stress. I’m a carrier.

Anything not nailed down is a cat toy.

Time is God’s way of keeping everything from happening at once.

How did Moses make his tea? Hebrews it.

Years ago fairy tales began with “Once upon a time...” Now it’s “If I am elected...”

“Always be sincere, even when you don’t mean it”. — Irene Peter

It has recently been discovered that research causes cancer in rats.

I had some words with my wife, and she had some paragraphs with me.

Needing someone is like needing a parachute. If he isn’t there the first time you need him, chances are you won’t be needing him again.

Sometimes I think the surest sign that intelligent life exists elsewhere in the universe is that none of it has tried to contact us.

You can always spot a well-informed man – his views are the same as yours.

Bacteria: the only culture some people have.

In a Budapest zoo: Please do not feed the animals. If you have any suitable food, give it to the guard on duty.

At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be “What is hell?” Come early and listen to our choir practice.

One martini is all right, two is too many, and three is not enough.

Does this smell like chloroform to you?

Conscience is the inner voice warning us that someone may be looking.

Even crime wouldn’t pay if the government ran it.

All the toilets in New York’s police stations have been stolen. The police have nothing to go on.

From the moment I picked your book up until I laid it down I was convulsed with laughter. Some day I intend reading it.

Knowledge is the key, but where is the damn lock?

Only a fool is astonished by the foolishness of humankind.

My husband says I never listen to him (at least I think that’s what he said)

The most precious thing we have is life. Yet it has absolutely no trade-in value.

Life... I don’t get it...

My schoolmates would make love to anything that moved, but I never saw any reason to limit myself.

“Are you going to come quietly, or do I have to use earplugs?”—Vale Spike Milligan

If the human brain were so simple that we could understand it, we would be so simple we couldn’t.

Isn’t having a smoking section in a restaurant like having a peeing section in a swimming pool?

How do you spot an Irishman at a carwash? He’s the one on the bike.

My husband and I divorced over religious differences... He thought he was God and I didn’t.

If at first you don’t succeed, try, try again. Then quit. There’s no use being a damned fool about it.

Always do sober what you said you’d do drunk. That will teach you to keep your mouth shut.

If you choke a smurf, what colour does it turn?

They say if you play a Microsoft CD backwards you hear satanic messages. That’s nothing, if you play it forwards it installs Windows.

Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.

Shin: a device for finding furniture in the dark.

Lots of people know a good thing the minute the other fellow sees it first.

I have spent my whole life looking for the perfect woman, and now I’ve found her. Too bad she’s looking for the perfect man.

“You have to be careful about being too careful” – Beryl Pfizer

I majored in liberal arts. Will that be for here or to go?

Why is it called tourist season if we can’t shoot at them?

I don’t necessarily agree with everything I say.

“#define QUESTION ((bb) || !(bb))” — Shakespeare

How can you come out of a closet if you never went in there in the first place?

A committee is a body that keeps minutes and wastes hours.

Don’t use a big word where a diminutive one will suffice.

Eagles may soar, but weasels don’t get sucked into jet engines.

I majored in liberal arts. Will that be for here or to go?

“On two occasions I have been asked [by members of Parliament!]: ‘Pray, Mr. Babbage, if you put into the machine wrong figures, will the right answers come out ?’ I am not able rightly to apprehend the kind of confusion of ideas that could provoke such a question.” — Charles Babbage.

Arguing on the Internet is like competing in the Special Olympics – even if you win, you are still retarded.

Man shoots neighbour with machete [The Miami Herald, July 3]

It is a small world, but I wouldn’t like to have to paint it.

I don’t suffer from stress. I’m a carrier.

Why is it that to stop Windows, you have to click on “Start”?

111,111,111 x 111,111,111 = 12,345,678,987,654,321

Men don’t care what’s on TV. They only care what else is on TV.

The things that come to those that wait may be the things left by those who got there first.

Remember... Marriage is the number one cause of divorce. Statistically, 100% of all divorces started with marriage.

Procrastinate Now!

Well, this day was a total waste of makeup.

What Has Four Legs And An Arm? A Happy Pit Bull.

Advertisement for donkey rides in Thailand: Would you like to ride on your own ass?

I don’t want to achieve immortality through my work. I want to achieve immortality through not dying.

When a clock is hungry, it goes back four seconds.

Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.

How Many Roads Must A Man Travel Down Before He Admits He Is Lost?

Insanity is hereditary; you can get it from your children.

“This report, by its very length, defends itself against the risk of being read”. — Winston Churchill

Lead us not into temptation. Just tell us where it is; we’ll find it.

Plagiarism saves time.

Anything’s possible... apart from skiing through a revolving door.

Not all men are annoying. Some are dead.

One of the greatest labour-saving inventions today is tomorrow.

Foolproof systems don’t take into account the ingenuity of fools.

Roses are red, Violets are blue. In Soviet Russia, Poems write you.

“Blink your eyelids periodically to lubricate your eyes.” — Page 16 of the HP “Environmental, Health Safety Handbook for Employees”.

Money can’t buy happiness, but it sure makes misery easier to live with.

I tried sniffing Coke once, but the ice cubes got stuck in my nose.

Cheerfulness is contagious, but don’t wait to catch it from others. Be a carrier.

Blessed are the young, for they shall inherit the national debt.

“Thinking is the hardest work there is, which is probably why so few engage in it”. — Henry Ford

I love cats – they taste just like chicken.

On the plus side, death is one of the few things that can be done just as easily as lying down.

“I could tell that my parents hated me. My bath toys were a toaster and a radio” — Rodney Dangerfield

Promises are like babies: fun to make, but hell to deliver.

Marriage is not a word; it is a sentence.

Being in the army is like being in the Boy Scouts, except that the Boy Scouts have adult supervision.

No sense being pessimistic, it probably wouldn’t work anyway.

I wondered why the baseball was getting bigger. Then it hit me.

Money is flat and meant to be piled up. – Scottish Proverb

“The best thing about the future is that it comes only one day at a time.” – Abraham Lincoln

I love deadlines. I especially like the whooshing sound they make as they go flying by.

Partying... oops No Only Parting... sorry

Honk if you love peace and quiet.

A cartoonist was found dead in his home. Details are sketchy.

Where do you find an Irish woodworm? Dead inside a brick.

Computers make it easy to do a lot of things, but most of the things that make it easier to do don’t need to be done.

I have had more trouble with myself than with any other man I’ve met.

Quantum: Noun, word used to sound like I know what I’m talking about while discussing physics I’ve never actually studied.

If trees could scream, would we be so cavalier about cutting them down? We might, if they screamed all the time, for no good reason.

Being a philosopher, I have a problem for every solution.

Early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.

Warning: Dates in Calendar are closer than they appear.

A drop of ink may make a million think.

How do you keep an Irishman busy? Write P.T.O on both sides of a piece of paper.

Character is what you are in the dark.

Heck is where people go who don’t believe in gosh.

The number of people watching you is directly proportional to the stupidity of your action.

You have to stay in shape. My grandmother, she started walking five miles a day when she was 60. She’s 97 today and we don’t know where the hell she is.

Broken pencils are pointless.

“They say hard work never hurt anybody, but I figure why take the chance.” – Ronald Reagan

Under capitalism, man exploits man. Under Communism, it’s just the opposite.

Gossip: The art of saying nothing while leaving nothing unsaid.

To err is human – and to blame it on a computer is even more so.

Some people are alive only because it’s illegal to kill them.

Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.

Time’s fun when you’re having flies... Kermit the Frog

“When in doubt tell the truth.”—Mark Twain

Even paranoids have real enemies.

The sooner you fall behind the more time you’ll have to catch up.

Before you give a colleague a piece of your mind, be sure you can spare it.

I know a guy who is addicted to brake fluid. He says he can stop anytime.

The sooner you fall behind the more time you’ll have to catch up.

Next time you wave, use all your fingers.

It’s not hard to meet expenses, they’re everywhere.

He who smiles in a crisis has found someone to blame.

Macho Law prohibits me from admitting I’m wrong.

I like children. Properly cooked.

I am obviously right, and as you disagree with me, then logically you must be wrong.

If you can stay calm, while all around you is chaos... then you probably haven’t completely understood the situation.

Eat a live toad first thing in the morning, and nothing worse can happen to you the rest of the day.

If olive oil comes from olives, where does baby oil come from?

Lord, if you won’t make me skinny, please make all my friends fat.

If the French were really intelligent, they’d speak English.

When you get a bladder infection, urine trouble.

Don’t Be Sexist – Broads Hate That.

Half of the people in the world are below average.

That which cannot be taken apart will fall apart.

Sex on television can’t hurt you unless you fall off.

If you don’t know where you are going, you will wind up somewhere else.

I thought I made a mistake once, but I was wrong.

I love being married. It’s so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.

I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.

There are two kinds of people, those who finish what they start, and so on.

Constipated People Don’t Give A Crap.

If at first you don’t succeed, destroy all the evidence that you tried.

Acupuncture is a jab well done.

“If carrots are so good for the eyes, how come I see so many dead rabbits on the highway?”

If quizzes are quizzical, what are tests?

It’s not that I’m afraid to die; I just don’t want to be there when it happens.

Does your train of thought have a caboose?

Man who drive like hell bound to get there.

People don’t grow up; they just learn how to act in public.

“Your mouse has moved. Windows must be restarted for the change to take effect. Reboot now ? [OK]”

There’s a fine line between genius and insanity. I have erased this line.

“He has been given a large brain by mistake, since for him the spinal cord would fully suffice.” — Albert Einstein

We are going on a field trip to the Coca-Cola factory. I hope there are no pop quizzes.

The shortest distance between two points is under construction.

Venison for dinner again? Oh deer!

The fellow who thinks he knows it all is especially annoying to those of us who do.

You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say will be misquoted then used against you.

Ever stop to think and forget to start again?

Never put both feet in your mouth at the same time, because then you don’t have a leg to stand on.

Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7th of your life.

What do you call a dinosaur with an extensive vocabulary? A thesaurus.

Never argue with an idiot. They drag you down to their level then beat you with experience.

All my life, I always wanted to be somebody. Now I see that I should have been more specific.

It’s just a job. Grass grows, birds fly, waves pound the sand. I just beat people up. – Muhammad Ali

I didn’t like my beard at first. Then it grew on me.

Age always corresponds inversely to the size of your multivitamin.

There are 10 types of people in the world: Those who understand binary, and those who don’t.

“How come we choose from just two people to run for president and 50 for Miss America?”

When in doubt, mumble.

I hope that after I die, people will say of me: “That guy sure owed me a lot of money.”

I always wanted to be somebody, but I should have been more specific.

“As a matter of fact” is an expression that precedes many an expression that isn’t.

If it’s 0 degrees today and it’s going to be twice as cold tomorrow... how cold will it be?

Red Tape Holds Up New Bridge!

“How can a president not be an actor?” – when asked “How could an actor become president?” – Ronald Reagan

Anything not nailed down is mine. Anything I can pry loose is not nailed down.

Men occasionally stumble over the truth, but most of them pick themselves up and hurry off as if nothing had happened. – Winston Churchill

It is not my interest to pay the principal, nor my principal to pay the interest.

Raising teenagers is like trying to nail Jell-O to a tree.

It’s not true that married men live longer than single men. It only seems longer.

An Irish man was driving to the airport when he saw a sign saying ‘Airport – Left’... So he went home.

To define recursion, we must first define recursion.

Nick Overruled - Democratic Majority Decision

Experience is simply the name we give our mistakes.

Everybody is ignorant, only on different subjects.

Is there life before death?

Smith & Wesson — the original point and click interface.

There are three ways to get something done: do it yourself, hire someone, or forbid your kids to do it.

He’s so lazy. I’ve seen him step into a revolving door and wait.

I heard a man say that brigands demand your money or your life, whereas women require both.

I intend to live forever – so far, so good.

Ninety-nine per cent of the people in the world are fools and the rest of us are in great danger of contagion.

My girlfriend told me I should be more affectionate. So I got two more girlfriends.

Politicians are people who, when they see the light at the end of the tunnel, go out and buy more tunnel.

After all is said and done, more is said than done.

Don’t marry for money. You can borrow it cheaper.

I Refuse To Have A Battle Of Wits With An Unarmed Person.

Marriage changes passion... suddenly you’re in bed with a relative.

I have great faith in fools; my friends call it self-confidence.

According to recent study someone is run over by a car every 5 minutes in the city. You’d think the guy would have enough sense to get out of the street.

We’ve made great medical progress in the last generation. What used to be merely an itch is now an allergy.

Bigamy is having one wife too many. Monogamy is the same. – Oscar Wilde

Proofread carefully to see if you any words out.

Stupidity is not a handicap! Park somewhere else!

Every morning is the dawn of a new error.

We waste time, so you don’t have to.

I work hard because millions on welfare depend on me.

Somewhere on this globe, every ten seconds, is a woman giving birth to a child. She must be found and stopped.

Why do we wash bath towels, aren’t we clean when we use them?

You’re not drunk if you can lie on the floor without holding on.

If a President doesn’t do it to his wife, he’ll do it to his country.

I stayed up all night to see where the sun went. Then it dawned on me.

Latest survey shows that 3 out of 4 people make up 75% of the world’s population.

They told me I had type A blood, but it was a Type O

People with narrow minds usually have broad tongues.

What hair color do they put on the driver’s licenses of bald men?

Pardon my driving, I am reloading.

Never buy a car you can’t push.

It is wiser to find out than to suppose.—Mark Twain

Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?

You can say any foolish thing to a dog, and the dog will give you a look that says, “My God, you’re right! I never would’ve thought of that!”

Nobody can be exactly like me. Even I have trouble doing it.

Being single is like a vacuum. It sucks when you are turned on.

For people who like peace and quiet – a phoneless cord.

Sheep don’t fly so much as plummet.

Cleverly Disguised As A Responsible Adult.

Consciousness: that annoying time between naps.

If ever I get married again it would have to be under an anaesthetic.

I installed a skylight in my apartment. The people who live above me are furious.

A backwards poet writes inverse.

Hemp is a herb. Bush is a dope.

A conscience does not prevent sin. It only prevents you from enjoying it.

I used up all my sick days, so I’m calling in dead.

Is Disney World the only people trap operated by a mouse?

Cheer up, the worst is yet to come.

I don’t like people who take drugs... Customs Officers for example.

If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?

He does the work of three men: Larry, Moe and Curly.

I don’t meet competition. I crush it

“Few things are harder to put up with than a good example.”—Mark Twain

He who trains his tongue to quote the learned sages, will be known far and wide as a smart ass.

The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.

A clean tie attracts the soup of the day.

“Oh dear,” said God, “I hadn’t thought of that,” and promptly vanished in a puff of logic.

Haunted French pancakes give me the crêpes.

If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?

It is even harder for the average ape to believe that he has descended from man.

A soldier who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran.

I have kleptomania, but when it gets bad, I take something for it. ~ Robert Benchle

Success always occurs in private, and failure in full public view.

Bachelors know more about women than married men; if they didn’t they’d be married too.

He who laughs last thinks slowest.

If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?

If I were two-faced, would I be wearing this one?

My mind works like lightning. One brilliant flash and it is gone.

If you don’t know why I’m mad at you, then I’m certainly not going to tell you

If at first you don’t succeed, skydiving is not your sport.

A dyslexic man walks into a bra.

My one regret in life is that I am not someone else.

Instead of getting married again, I’m going to find a woman I don’t like and just give her a house.—Rod Stewart

Doctor, Doctor You’ve got to help me – I just can’t stop my hands shaking. Do you drink a lot? Not really – I spill most of it!

A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a train stops. On my desk I have a workstation...

“Banking establishments are more dangerous than standing armies”. — Thomas Jefferson

I have gone to look for myself, if I should return before I get back, keep me here.

If a woman has to choose between catching a fly ball and saving an infant’s life, she will choose to save the infant’s life without even considering if there is a man on base.—Dave Barry

I am not a vegetarian because I love animals; I am a vegetarian because I hate plants.

You’ll never get to heaven if you’re scared of getting high.

Just remember... if the world didn’t suck, we’d all fall off.

Shin: a device for finding furniture in the dark.

“Reading computer manuals without the hardware is as frustrating as reading sex manuals without the software.” — Arthur C. Clarke.

We Quit Voting Will They All Go Away?

Make sure your mind isn’t so open that your brains fall out.

One good thing about repeating your mistakes is that you know when to cringe.

If someone with multiple personalities threatens suicide... is it considered a hostage situation?

If it’s true that we are here to help others, then what exactly are the others here for?

Where you stand depends on where you sit.

A great many people think they are thinking when they are merely rearranging their prejudices.

The scientific theory I like best is that the rings of Saturn are composed entirely of lost airline luggage.

When Chemists die, they barium.

There’s a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot.

It’s hard to face the problem, when the problem is your face.

Show me a piano falling down a mineshaft and I’ll show you A-flat minor.

Mines are equal opportunity weapons.

When in trouble, fear or doubt, run in circles, scream and shout.

If puns were outlawed, only outlaws would have puns.

Originality is the fine art of remembering what you hear, but forgetting where you heard it.

Mental Floss prevents Moral Decay.

Don’t use a big word where a diminutive one will suffice.

“Einstein argued that there must be simplified explanations of nature, because God is not capricious or arbitrary. No such faith comforts the software engineer.” — Fred Brooks.

Laugh and the world laughs with you; snore and you sleep alone.

Last night I lay in bed looking up at the stars in the sky and I thought to myself, “Where the heck is the ceiling?”

In elementary school, in case of fire, you have to line up quietly in a single file line from smallest to tallest. What is the logic? Do tall people burn slower?

Help Wanted: Telepath. You know where to apply.

“The web is a dominatrix. Every where I turn, I see little buttons ordering me to Submit.” — Nytwind.

Marathon runners with bad footwear suffer the agony of defeat.

Any task worth doing was worth doing yesterday.

There are 3 kinds of people: those who can count and those who can’t.

“There are two major products that come out of Berkeley: LSD and UNIX. We don’t believe this to be a coincidence.” — Jeremy S. Anderson

Remember, half the people you know are below average.

I dropped out of communism class because of lousy Marx.

I spent most of my money on booze, drugs and women... The rest I wasted!

It is hard enough to remember my opinions, without also remembering my reasons for them!

The secret of success is sincerity. Once you can fake that you’ve got it made.

Two strings walk into a bar. The first string says to the bartender, “Bartender, I’ll have a beer. u.5n$x5t?*&4ru!2[sACCErJ”. The second string says, “Pardon my friend, he isn’t NULL terminated”.

Everything you like is bad for you in some way.

If you try and don’t succeed, cheat. Repeat until caught. Then lie.

Chipped dishes never break.

Santa’s helpers are subordinate clauses.

I’m desperately trying to figure out why kamikaze pilots wore helmets.

By the time a man realises that his father was right, he has a son who thinks he’s wrong.

What do you call a dinosaur with an extensive vocabulary? A thesaurus.

What happens if you get scared half to death twice?

Honesty is the best policy, but insanity is a better defence.

Humour. It is a difficult concept. It is not logical.

If the world should blow itself up, the last audible voice would be that of an expert saying it can’t be done.

An army of deer led by a lion is more to be feared than an army of lions led by a deer.

I’d give my right arm to be ambidextrous.

We spend the first twelve months of our children’s lives teaching them to walk and talk and the next twelve telling them to sit down and shut up.

I thought I wanted a career, turns out I just wanted paychecks.

Someday we’ll look back on all this and plow into the back of a parked car.

I live in my own little world, but it’s ok they know me here.

To B or not to B? *kills the B* I HATE BEES!!!! – LynxofCP

I don’t approve of political jokes... I’ve seen too many of them get elected.

A dog that attends a flea circus most likely will steal the whole show.

I wonder how much deeper would the ocean be without sponges.


Never put off until tomorrow what you can avoid altogether.

Go the extra mile. It makes your boss look like an incompetent slacker.

“There is no reason anyone would want a computer in their home.” — Ken Olson, founder of Digital Equipment Corp., 1977.

Moderation in all things, including moderation.

A bird does not sing because it has an answer—it sings because it has a song.

“This ‘telephone’ has too many shortcomings to be seriously considered as a means of communication.” — Western Union internal memo, 1876.

Don’t take life too seriously—you’ll never get out of it alive.

The amount of work to be done increases in proportion to the amount of work already completed. — VAIL’S SECOND AXIOM

A baby sitter is a teenager acting like an adult while the adults are out acting like teenagers.

“I’ve been on a calendar but I have never been on time” – Marilyn Monroe

Murphy’s Golden Rule: Whoever has the gold makes the rules.

Youth would be an ideal state if it came a little later in life.

Never underestimate the power of very stupid people in large groups.

Pick your friends but not to pieces.

“Heavier-than-air flying machines are impossible.” — Lord Kelvin, president, Royal Society, 1895.

Cluster bombing from B-52s is very, very accurate – the bombs always hit the ground.

It’s easy to quit smoking... I’ve done it over 10,000 times.

Genius is 1% inspiration, and 99% perspiration.

A synonym is a word you use when you can’t spell the word you first thought of.

I have the body of a GOD – Buddha.

Better to remain silent and be thought a fool, than to speak and remove all doubt.

Leftists are among the first to speak of their rights.

Democracy is a government where you can say what you think even if you don’t think.

Bachelors have consciences, married men have wives.

Confidence is the feeling you have before you understand the situation

Men’s faults are many, women have only two. Everything they say, and everything they do.

Remember half the people you know are below average.

Horn broken. Watch for finger. (on bumper sticker)

The short fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.

Early to rise, early to bed, makes a man healthy but socially dead.

I used to think I was indecisive, but now I’m not sure.

Legend: a lie that has attained the dignity of age.

Anyone who told you to be yourself couldn’t have given you worse advice.

Man who run in front of car get tired.

“Hey, I’ve got reasons for what I’m doing,” REALLY MEANS, “I sure hope I think of some pretty soon.”

Anywhere is walking distance, if you’ve got the time.

The surprising thing about young fools is how many survive to become old fools.

In a Copenhagen airline ticket office: We take your bags and send them in all directions.

99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.

Honest criticism is hard to take, particularly from a relative, a friend, an acquaintance, or a stranger.

Half our life is spent trying to find something to do with the time we have rushed through life trying to save.

Jokes about German sausage are the wurst.

My reality check just bounced.

A day without sun shine is like, you know, night.

Climbers aim for the summit because it is there. Bungi jumpers dive off the top because they aren’t all there.

IRS: We’ve got what it takes to take what you’ve got.

Outside a Hong Kong tailor shop: Ladies may have a fit upstairs.

Errors have been made. Others will be blamed.

The trouble with jogging is that, by the time you realise you’re not in shape for it, it’s far too far to walk back.

Jack and Jill did it for the insurance.

“There are only two things that are infinite: the universe and human stupidity. And I’m not sure about the universe.” A. Einstein

Experience is something you do not get until just after you need it.

I’m not afraid of heights, only widths.

Am I getting smart with you? How would you know?

Snowmen fall from Heaven unassembled.

I don’t have an attitude problem. You have a perception problem.

You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.

Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way when you criticize them, you are a mile away from them and you have their shoes.

Life is complex: it has real and imaginary parts.

Caution – Driver Legally Blonde!

I think, therefore I am single.

People who think they know everything are annoying to those of us who do.

Mind like a steel trap – rusty and illegal in most states.

I’m reading a book about anti-gravity. I can’t put it down.

I haven’t spoken to my wife for 18 months: I don’t like to interrupt her.

Age is a very high price to pay for maturity.

I often quote myself; it adds spice to my conversation.

In the beginning, there was nothing. Then God said, “Let there be light,” and there was still nothing, but you could see it.

Women like silent men. They think they’re listening.

Keyboard not detected. Press F1 to continue

Brain: an apparatus with which we think we think.

If everything is coming your way, you are probably in the wrong lane.

The more time you spend in reporting on what you are doing, the less time you have to do it in. Stability is achieved when you spend all your time doing nothing but reporting on the nothing you are doing.

“I wish everyone was peaceful. Then I could take over the planet with a butter knife”—Dogbert

This Would Be Really Funny If It Weren’t Happening To Me.

I was the next door kid’s imaginary friend.

“I have never let my schooling interfere with my education.”—Mark Twain

If money talks, it ain’t on speakin’ terms with me.

Illiterate? Write For Help.

Comedy is tragedy plus time.

I married Miss Right. I just didn’t know her first name was Always.

Be nice to your kids. They’ll choose your nursing home.

If you can’t convince them, confuse them.

Why were the Indians here first? They had reservations.

When you do not know what you are doing, do it neatly.

Two signs from a Majorcan shop entrance: English well speaking / Here speeching American.

The day I can’t do my job drunk is the day I turn in my badge and gun.

Remember the teakettle; though up to its neck in hot water, it continues to sing.

Chaos, panic, & disorder – my work here is done.

Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.

Money is better than poverty, if only for financial reasons.

This mind intentionally left blank

If you think nobody cares if you’re alive, try missing a couple of car payments.

Cole’s Law: Thinly sliced cabbage.

What does a clock do when it’s hungry? It goes back four seconds.

On the other hand you have different fingers.

Statistics are like bikinis – What they reveal is suggestive, but what they conceal is vital.

The human brain is a wonderful thing. It starts working the moment you are born, and never stops until you stand up to speak in public.

I generally avoid temptation unless I can’t resist it.

A bird in the hand is safer than one overhead.

At the age of six I wanted to be a cook. At seven I wanted to be Napoleon. And my ambition has been growing steadily ever since.

A diplomatic husband said to his wife, how do you expect me to remember your birthday when you never look any older?

Tip the world over on its side and everything loose will land in Los Angeles.

Vote for the man who promises least; he’ll be the least disappointing.

If you don’t learn to laugh at troubles, you won’t have anything to laugh at when you grow old.

A conclusion is simply the place where you got tired of thinking.

If at first you don’t succeed, try management.

Anything that can become tangled around something else, will.

I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol.

If you don’t pay your exorcist you get repossessed.

When you come to a fork in the road, take it.

Having more money doesn’t make you happier. I have 50 million dollars but I’m just as happy as when I had 48 million. ~ Arnold Schwarzenegger.

Some people are alive only because it’s illegal to kill them.

Be kind to your dentist. He has fillings, too.

If you’re not wasted, the day is.

I wished the buck stopped here, as I could use a few.

Hope sees the invisible, feels the intangible and achieves the impossible.

Hard work never killed anybody but why take the chance?

“The generation of random numbers is too important to be left to chance.” — Robert R. Coveyou, Oak Ridge National Laboratory.

Velcro — what a rip off!

I’m an apathetic sociopath – I’d kill you if I cared.

Youth is a wonderful thing. What a crime to waste it on children.

The second day of a diet is alway easier than the first. By the second day, you’re off it.

Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?

Those who can laugh without cause have either found the true meaning of happiness or have gone stark raving mad.

If you can’t beat your computer at chess, try kickboxing.

I used to think I was indecisive, but now I’m not sure.

I took an IQ test and the results were negative.

Madness takes its toll. Please have exact change.

My favorite mythical creature? The honest politician.

A procrastinator’s work is never done.

The only perfect science is hindsight.

I think that’s how Chicago got started. A bunch of people in New York said, “Gee, I’m enjoying the crime and the poverty, but it just isn’t cold enough. Let’s go west.”—Richard Jeni

I have a simple philosophy. Fill what’s empty. Empty what’s full. Scratch where it itches.

In the beginning, God created earth and rested. Then God created man and rested. Then God created woman. Since then, neither God nor man has rested.

How do I set a laser printer to stun?

“You, you and you: panic. The rest of you, come with me.”

I arise in the morning torn between a desire to improve the world and a desire to enjoy the world. This makes it hard to plan the day.

I am amazed at radio DJ’s today. I am firmly convinced that AM on my radio stands for Absolute Moron. I will not begin to tell you what FM stands for.

Sometimes I wake up grumpy; other times I let her sleep

Eschew obfuscation.

It is a fitting irony that under Richard Nixon, ‘launder’ became a dirty word.

When I’m not in my right mind, my left mind gets pretty crowded

Plato is dead, Einstein is dead, and I’m not feeling too good myself...

I can resist everything except temptation.

“Managing senior programmers is like herding cats” — Dave Platt.

“If builders built buildings the way programmers write programs, then the first woodpecker that came along would destroy civilization” — Weinberg’s Second Law.

Optimists believe we live on the greatest world. Pessimists believe this is true.

Some pain is physical, and some is mental, but one that’s both is dental.

There are two types of people in this world, good and bad. The good sleep better, but the bad seem to enjoy the waking hours much more.

If you want your spouse to listen and pay strict attention to every word you say, talk in your sleep.

If you want a committed man, look in a mental hospital.

I couldn’t repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.

An Apple a day keeps the doctor away. But... an onion a day keeps everyone away.

If we learn by our mistakes, some of us are getting one hell of an education!

As a final incentive before giving up a difficult task, try to imagine it successfully accomplished by someone you violently dislike.

They say you only use ten percent of your brain. What about the other ten?

I took a speed reading course and read ‘War and Peace’ in twenty minutes. It involves Russia. Enough women for four.

I think animal testing is a terrible idea; they get all nervous and give the wrong answers.

I guess traffic in the city is improving a little. Yesterday, I drove clear across town and only had to shave twice.

Plan to be spontaneous tomorrow.

I love work; it fascinates me; I can sit and watch it for hours.

Democracy is the recurrent suspicion that more than half of the people are right more than half of the time.

All those who believe in psycho kinesis raise my hand.

Five out of four people have trouble with fractions.

Best way to get a man to do something, is to suggest they are too old for it.

In a Tokyo shop: Our nylons cost more than common, but you’ll find they are best in the long run.

Maybe I’m lucky to be going so slowly, because I may be going in the wrong direction.

A study in the Washington Post says that women have better verbal skills than men. I just want to say to the authors of that study: “Duh.”— Conan O’Brien

Modesty is a virtue of fools.

A penny saved is a Congressional spending oversight.

Slow is when someone laps you in the hundred-yard dash

A bachelor is a man who comes to work from a different direction each morning.

When he first ran for office, he appealed to the voters: “I never stole anything in my life. All I ask is a chance.”

Borrow money from pessimists- they don’t expect to get it back.

What’s another word for Thesaurus?

If people concentrated on the really important things in life, there’d be a shortage of fishing poles.

One should forgive one’s enemies, but not before they are hanged.

Always remember you’re unique, just like everyone else.

I married my wife for her looks... but not the ones she’s been giving me lately!

The chance of a piece of bread falling with the buttered side down is directly proportional to the cost of the carpet.

What sane person could live in this world and not be crazy?

If At First You Don’t Succeed... Blame Someone Else And Seek Counseling.

PMS jokes aren’t funny. Period.

The dumber people think you are, the more surprised they’re going to be when you kill them—Rodney Dangerfield

It doesn’t matter what temperature the room is; it’s always room temperature.

A printer consists of three main parts: the case, the jammed paper tray and the blinking red light

If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?

Outside of a dog, a book is probably man’s best friend, and inside of a dog, it’s too dark to read.

This girl said she recognized me from the vegetarian club, but I’d never met herbivore

The trouble with the rat race is that even if you win, you’re still a rat.

Ours is a world where people don’t know what they want and are willing to go through hell to get it.

Did you hear about the cross-eyed teacher who lost her job because she couldn’t control her pupils?

Doctor, Doctor I keep getting pains in the eye when I drink coffee. Have you tried taking the spoon out?

Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

Why does Sea World have a seafood restaurant? I’m halfway through my fish burger and I realize, Oh my gosh... I could be eating a slow learner.

Age is an issue of mind over matter. If you don’t mind, it doesn’t matter.

Man who run behind car get exhausted.

Without question, the greatest invention in the history of mankind is beer. Oh, I grant you that the wheel was also a fine invention, but the wheel does not go nearly as well with pizza.

I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.

Love is like an hourglass, with the heart filling up as the brain empties.

I plead contemporary insanity.

Allow me to introduce my selves.

When I was young, I could remember anything. Whether it happened or not.

He’s not dead, he’s electroencephalographically challenged.

Tips for Vegetarians: Hit a chicken enough times and it turns into a vegetable.

There is nothing so annoying as to have two people go right on talking when you’re interrupting.

If I were someone who knew something, who could I tell that would believe me?

Just because you’re not paranoid doesn’t mean they’re not out to get you.

I’m not dumb; I just have a command of thoroughly useless information.

We have two ends. One for sitting and one for thinking. Our success depends on which one we use most.

How do you sink an Irish Submarine? Knock on the hatch.

I don’t enjoy computer jokes; not one bit.

I’d explain it to you, but your brain would explode.

In the office of a Roman doctor: Specialist in women and other diseases.

I like to start my periods with sentences.

My parents stayed together for forty years, but that was out of spite.

History will be kind to me for I intend to write it. – Winston Churchill

Why don’t you ever see the headline “Psychic Wins Lottery”?

Restarting System - Mouse Moved

If you’re born again, do you have two bellybuttons?

A pessimist is a man who has been compelled to live with an optimist

No problem is so big and complicated that it can’t be ran away from.

I’m sorry; you cannot have an outlook on life because it isn’t responding. Microsoft apologises for any inconvenience.

Everyone hates me because I’m paranoid.

In this world, nothing is certain but death and taxes. – Benjamin Franklin

There are two kinds of people, those who finish what they start, and so on.

If con is the opposite of pro, congress is the opposite of progress.

An egotist is a person of low taste—more interested in himself than in me.

My mind not only wanders, sometimes it leaves completely.

Living is not worth dying for.

How do you know if a fish is Irish? It has drowned.

Work expands to fill the time available. — PARKINSON’S LAW

I’m quite easy to get along with, once you learn to beckon at my every call and yield to all my desires.

Of course, we are all worms—but I like to think, at least, that I am a glow-worm. – Winston Churchill

A poor excuse is like an old bucket; doesn’t matter what shape it is in, as long as it holds water.

I used to be a banker, but then I lost interest.

“A patriot must always be ready to defend his country against his government”. — Edward Abbey

The dictionary is the only place where success comes before work.

I always wanted to be a procrastinator, never got around to it though.

The truth is a precious commodity. That’s why I use it so sparingly.

My life has a superb cast but I can’t figure out the plot.

“I would like to live in Manchester, England. The transition between Manchester and death would be unnoticeable”. — Mark Twain

In a Norwegian cocktail lounge: Ladies are requested not to have children in the bar.

If we aren’t supposed to eat animals, why are they made of meat?

This comment is printed on 100% recycled electrons.

“Everyday I beat my own previous record for number of consecutive days I’ve stayed alive.”

On the keyboard of life, always keep one finger on the escape key.

I take everything I can for my kleptomania.

Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian any more than going to the garage makes you a car.

For Sale: Parachute. Only used once, never opened, small stain.

It is said that if you line up all the cars in the world end to end, someone would be stupid enough to try and pass them.

“Things are more like they are now than they ever were before.” – Former U.S. President Dwight D. Eisenhower

If vegetable oil comes from vegetables, where does baby oil come from?

On a tombstone: I TOLD YOU I WAS SICK

Laugh at your problems; everybody else does.

One good turn gets most of the blankets.

A person who smiles in the face of adversity... probably has a scapegoat.

God must love stupid people, he made so many.

The beatings will continue until morale improves.

Always try to be modest and be proud of it!

Good judgement comes from experience. Experience comes from bad judgement.

If it weren’t for the last minute, nothing would ever get done.

Applying computer technology is simply finding the right wrench to pound in the correct screw.

Whenever there is any doubt, there is no doubt.

If it weren’t for electricity we’d all be watching television by candlelight?

Be thankful for problems. If they were less difficult, someone with less ability might have your job.

“When you starve with a tiger, the tiger starves last”. — Griffin’s Thought

I’m an idealist: I don’t know where I’m going, but I’m on my way.

I spilled spot remover on my dog. Now he’s gone.

If life was fair, Elvis would be alive and all the impersonators would be dead.

Never go to a doctor whose office plants have died.

Killed - Personality Incompatibility

I used to find him boring until I stopped listening.

System Error - Windows Loaded

I used to be apathetic, but now I don’t give a damn.

If we don’t succeed, we run the risk of failure.

Stupidity is not a handicap. Park elsewhere!

Everybody is ignorant, only on different subjects.

How do you get an Irishman to burn his ear? Ring him up while he is ironing.

It is well to remember the entire population of the universe, with one trifling exception, is composed of others.

I was at a bar nursing a beer. My nipple was getting quite soggy.

Compromise: the art of dividing a cake so that everybody believes he or she got the biggest piece.

The man who fell into an upholstery machine is fully recovered.

He often broke into song because he couldn’t find the key.

If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?

Marriage is a three-ring circus: engagement ring, wedding ring, and suffering.

Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don’t.

“Then he ran into my knife. He ran into my knife ten times.” – Chicago

What if there were no hypothetical questions?

The art of flying is to throw yourself at the ground and miss.

Age is a question of mind over matter. If you don’t mind, it don’t matter.

I stayed up all night to see where the sun went. Then it dawned on me.

Seen it all, done it all, can’t remember most of it.

Anyone can admit they were wrong; the true test is admitting it to someone else.

Streakers beware: Your end is in sight.

If sex is such a natural phenomenon, how come there are so many books on how to do it.

Connection Reset By Aboriginal With Wire Cutters

Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?

I get enough exercise just pushing my luck.

Smoking cures weight problems...eventually...

Who is General Failure and why is he reading my hard disk?

Whenever I feel like exercise, I lie down until the feeling passes.

Cab drivers are living proof that practice does not make perfect.

“I’d rather have a bottle in front of me, than a frontal lobotomy”. — Tom Waits

As long as there are tests, there will be prayer in public schools.

The only reason some people get lost in thought is because it’s unfamiliar territory.

“I’ve noticed that everyone who is for abortion has already been born.” – Ronald Reagan

There’s a difference between being open-minded and having a hole in your head

If you’re not confused, you’re not paying attention.

Someone sent me a postcard picture of the earth. On the back it said, “Wish you were here.”

There are only three kinds of people; people who can count and people who can’t.

When angry count four, when very angry, swear.

Military intelligence is a contradiction in terms.

“Always in motion the future is. Seasick it makes me. That’s why so green I am”. – Yoda

Life is far too important to be taken seriously.

“You can always count on Americans to do the right thing—after they’ve tried everything else” – Winston Churchill

I’ve been trying for some time to develop a life style that doesn’t require my presence.

“You start coding. I’ll go find out what they want.” — Computer analyst to programmer

“War does not determine who is right - only who is left.” – Bertrand Russell

Men are from earth. Women are from earth. Deal with it.

TEAMWORK... means never having to take all the blame yourself.

Why is the third hand on the watch called a second hand?

Every time I look at you I get a fierce desire to be lonesome.

If all you have is a hammer, everything looks like a nail.

The early bird gets the worm, but the early worm gets eaten.

As the light changed from red to green to yellow and back to red again, I sat there thinking about life. Was it nothing more than a bunch of honking and yelling? Sometimes it seemed that way.

It’s strange, isn’t it. You stand in the middle of a library and go aaaaagghhhh’ and everyone just stares at you. But you do the same thing on an aeroplane, and everyone joins in.

If you can’t convince them, confuse them.

Don’t talk unless you can improve the silence.

I want to die peacefully in my sleep like my grandfather, not screaming in abject horror like his passengers.

Time sneaks up on you like a windshield on a bug.

AIBOHPHOBIA – the fear of palindromes.

“My computer NEVER loc

Solitude is fine, but you need someone to tell you that solitude is fine.

If automobiles had followed the same development cycle as the computer, a Rolls Royce would today cost $100, get a million miles per gallon, and explode once a year, killing everyone inside.

To find out a girl’s faults, praise her to her girl friends.

What’s the definition of a will? (It’s a dead giveaway).

Support bacteria – they’re the only culture some people have.

Any ship can be a minesweeper... once.

The most powerful force in the universe is gossip.

System Error - Windows Loaded

England has no kidney bank, but it does have a Liverpool.

When you are arguing with an idiot, make sure the other person isn’t doing the same thing.

So Many Pedestrians – So Little Time.

Don’t be irreplaceable; if you cannot be replaced, you cannot be promoted.

Blessed are those who can laugh at themselves, they will never cease to be amused.

“Auntie Em: hate you, hate Kansas, taking the dog.” – Dorothy

Friends may come and go, but enemies accumulate

Jokes about German sausage are the wurst.

If you can’t be kind, at least have the decency to be vague.

The best computer is a man, and it’s the only one that can be mass-produced by unskilled labour.

The illegal we do immediately. The unconstitutional takes a little longer. – Henry Kissinger

The trouble with life is there’s no background music.

If a man opens a car door for a woman, either the car is new or the woman.

The difference between a stepping-stone and a stumbling block can be when you see it.

“I am not worried about the deficit. It is big enough to take care of itself.” – Ronald Reagan

e=mc^2 where m = the number of cooks required to spoil the broth

Bacteria: the only culture some people have.

Brilliant, but with the social skills of a thermonuclear device.

There is no such thing as an underestimate of average intelligence

Programmer – A red-eyed, mumbling mammal capable of conversing with inanimate objects.

I changed my iPod’s name to Titanic. It’s syncing now.

Perhaps you’re diagonally parked in a parallel universe?

Alcohol: the cause of, and solution to, all of life’s problems.

Everybody is somebody else’s weirdo.

I envy people who drink – at least they know what to blame everything on.

“Reader, suppose you were an idiot. And suppose you were a member of Congress. But I repeat myself”. — Mark Twain

Succeed in spite of management. Aim Low; Reach Your Goals, Avoid Disappointment.

“People who drink light beer don’t like the taste of beer; they just like to pee a lot” — Rodney Dangerfield

Accept that some days you’re the pigeon, and some days you’re the statue.

Man does not live by words alone, despite the fact that sometimes he has to eat them.

The earthquake in Washington obviously was the government’s fault.

A guy got arrested for playing the guitar. He was fingering a minor.

Once, during prohibition, I was forced to live for days on nothing but food and water.

Why is it that doctors call what they do “practice”?

Most vegetarians look so much like the food they eat that they can be classified as cannibals.

I used to be a Kleptomaniac, But now I’m taking something for it

Get even – live long enough to be a problem to your kids.

I am a nobody, nobody is perfect, therefore I’m perfect.

If Bill Gates had a nickel for every time Windows crashed... oh wait, he does.

If a job is worth doing well get someone else to do it.

“Inconceivable!” “I do not think that word means what you think it means.”

Half of being smart is knowing what you are dumb at.

If you do not make dust, you eat dust.

Despite the cost of living it’s still very popular.

I can please only one person per day. Today is not your day. Tomorrow isn’t looking good either.

“I worked in a pet shop and people kept asking how big I’d get” — Rodney Dangerfield

Birthdays are good for you. Statistics show that the people who have the most live the longest.

Don’t stop to stomp on ants when the elephants are stampeding.

Laughing stock: cattle with a sense of humour.

“The object of war is not to die for your country but to make the other bastard die for his.” – General George Patton

Artificial Intelligence is no match for Natural Stupidity.

Booze is the answer. I don’t remember the question.

Prediction is extremely difficult. Especially about the future.

Authority makes some people grow – and others just swell.

The light at the end of the tunnel has been turned off due to budget cuts.

“I believe in equality for everyone, except reporters and photographers”. — Gandhi

You have the right to your opinions. I just don’t want to hear them.

Well, if I called the wrong number, why did you answer the phone?

Man who eat many prunes get good run for money.

Technology is a way of organizing the universe so that man doesn’t have to experience it.

Quantum mechanics: The dreams stuff is made of.

I’ve always wanted to be normal, but lately I’ve come to suspect that this is it.

Everyone needs belief in something. I believe I’ll have another beer.

Connection Reset - Insufficient Electrons

If I’d known I was going to live this long, I’d have taken better care of myself.

Confidence is the feeling you have before you understand the situation.

Everybody lies, but it doesn’t matter since nobody listens.

Some people are going to leave a mark on this world, while others will leave a stain.

The trouble with our times is that the future is not what it used to be.

If I have to work for an idiot, I might as well work for myself.

If you don’t know where you are going, you might wind up someplace else.

This guy walks into a bar and the barman says “Ouch, that must have hurt”

Before marriage, a man yearns for the woman he loves. After marriage, the ‘Y’ becomes silent.

In democracy it’s your vote that counts. In feudalism it’s your count that votes.

The world is full of willing people; some willing to work, the rest willing to let them.

It’s important to be open-minded, but not SO open-minded that your brains fall out.

I like kids, but I don’t think I could eat a whole one.

To succeed in politics, it is often necessary to rise above your principles.

I got a job at a bakery because I kneaded dough.

Oh, don’t fuss. I just cut myself. It’s no big deal,” REALLY MEANS, “I have actually severed a limb, but will bleed to death before I admit I’m hurt.”

If at first you do succeed, try to hide your astonishment.

Work: It isn’t just for sleeping anymore.

I don’t believe in astrology. I am a Sagittarius and we’re very skeptical. ~ Arthur C. Clarke

An egotist has one point in his favour – he doesn’t go round talking about other people.

A team effort is a lot of people doing what I say

It’s bad luck to be superstitious.

Save the whales. Collect the whole set.

You look like a million dollars. All green and wrinkled.

Why is the man that invests your money called a broker?

Anger is only one letter away from danger.

I Haven’t Lost My Mind, It’s Backed Up On Disk Somewhere.

I either want less corruption, or more chance to participate in it.

Eagles may soar, but weasels don’t get sucked into jet engines.

Where there’s a will, I want to be in it.

You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They left a little note on the windscreen, it said ‘Parking Fine.’

There are very few personal problems that cannot be solved through a suitable application of high explosives.

A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat.

“I think there is a world market for maybe five computers.” — Thomas Watson, chairman of IBM, 1943.

“Life is a waste of time, time is a waste of life, so get wasted all of the time and have the time of your life”. — Tom Waits

I’m out of my mind, but feel free to leave a message.

Love is blind, but marriage is a real eye-opener.

A bargain is something you don’t need at a price you can’t resist.

I’m not into working out. My philosophy: No pain, no pain.

Impotence: Nature’s Way Of Saying “No Hard Feelings”.

When life hands you a lemon, make lemonade.

Whenever people agree with me, I always feel I must be wrong.

I am free of all prejudices. I hate everyone equally.

I laugh in the face of danger, except if I’m involved.

I had amnesia once or twice.

Wine divulges truth.

I hate women because they always know where things are.

Time flies like an arrow – fruit flies like a banana.

I fear my inferiority complex is not as good as yours.

“A girl phoned me the other day and said... Come on over, there’s nobody home. I went over. Nobody was home” — Rodney Dangerfield

Progress was all right. Only it went on too long.

Some people say that I must be a horrible person, but that’s not true. I have the heart of a young boy – in a jar on my desk.

Get a new car for your spouse – it’ll be a great trade!

One day I will get this peer guy and reset his connection.

Everybody has a photographic memory. Some don’t have film.

Time is a great teacher, but unfortunately it kills all its pupils.

Energizer Bunny arrested: Charged with battery.

Nothing means nothing, but it isn’t really nothing because nothing is something that isn’t.

Well if this is the wrong number, why did you answer it?

We must believe in free will, we have no choice.

“Every mighty oak was once just a nut who stood his ground.”

When your IQ reaches 80 –– sell.

I’d like to see things your way, but I’m looking in another direction.

“I have left orders to be awakened at any time in case of national emergency – even if I’m in a Cabinet meeting.” – Ronald Reagan

Fundamentalism: Believe in a kind, loving God or we’ll kill you!

I started out with nothing, and I still have most of it.

“C++ : Where friends have access to your private members.” — Gavin Russell Baker.

The only difference between Genius and Insanity... is success.

All men are equal. Some are just more equal than others.

The doctor can bury his mistakes but an architect can only advise his client to plant vines.

I did a theatrical performance about puns. It was a play on words.

Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying of nothing.

Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

In a Rome laundry: Ladies, leave your clothes here and spend the afternoon having a good time.

Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy.

Hang in there; retirement is only thirty years away.

People can be divided into three groups: Those who make things happen, those who watch things happen, and those who wonder what happened.

I tried to photograph the fog, but I mist.

A hangover is the wrath of grapes.

Just because your head is the biggest doesn’t mean it contains the right ideas.

If you can’t dazzle them with brilliance... just baffle them with bullsh*t.

Be careful when reading health books; you may die of a misprint.

Sheep don’t fly so much as plummet.

Don’t look back. Something may be gaining on you.

When all other means of communication fail, try words.

Democracy is a process by which people are free to choose the man who will get the blame.

Englishmen never will be slaves: they are free to do whatever the Government and public opinion allow them to do.

It is hard to understand how a cemetery raised its burial charges and blamed it on the cost of living.

I’m in no shape to exercise.

Seeing a murder on television...will help work off one’s antagonisms. And if you haven’t any antagonisms, the commercials will give you some.

You’re such an inspiration for the way I’ll never choose to be.

It used to be only death and taxes were inevitable. Now, of course, there’s shipping and handling, too.

Hypochondria is the only disease I haven’t got.

Take my advice, I don’t use it anyway.

I have noticed that the people who are late are often so much jollier that the people who have to wait for them.

When I was a boy I was told that anybody could become president; I’m beginning to believe it.

Men have a much better time of it than women; for one thing, they marry later; for another thing they die earlier.

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