Ned Martin’s Amused
A collection of things that amused me: I believe you can tell a lot about a person from what amuses them, or sometimes, what doesn’t amuse them. So, when I come across something that amuses me, this is where it goes.
Find things which have amused me recently, or browse around the categories below.
Printed on 100% recycled electrons.
Ned Martin’s Amused Categories
aboriginal accident advertising africa alcohol america animals animated apple art audio australia babies balloons bananas banks batman beaches bears beer bikes billboards birds blonde board games boats bones boobs books bras bread brisbane britain browsers bsod bugs bunnies buses business cards calendars canada cars cartoons carving cats chairs charts chickens children chocolate chrome clippit cocaine coffee comics communist computer games computers condoms cooking cows crocodiles daleks darth vader dating democracy dinosaurs disaster dogs donkeys driving drugs drunk ducks earthquake easter education eggs einstein elephants emus english evolution explosions facebook families famous people fashion feminine hygiene fire firefox fish fishing flash flowcharts fonts food football france frogs fruit games gay geeky george bush giraffes girls grammar guns halloween hands harry potter hats heaven history horses illusion imagery internet internet explorer ios ipad iphone iphone 6 irish it jewish jobs joke jokes kangaroos kevin rudd kitchens kittens koalas kristen stewart languages laptops libraries linux lions logan lord of the rings love mac marijuana marriage math mayans medical men meth microsoft milk mobiles money monopoly mothers motorbikes movies movie stars music musicians muslim new zealand ninjas nokia north korea nsw obama ocd opera otters parenting parking parrots penguins phones photography pie charts pigs pirates pizza police political posters predictions pregnancy protests puns quotations rabbits racist rallies redheads redneck relationships religious rice risqué roads robots rocks romance safari samsung school science seals sex sexist sharks ships shirts shoes shops signs sms snakes snow spiders sport sports spying sql star wars steve jobs stickers superman tattoos teachers technology terrorism the rock toilets tongues tools toys trucks turtles tv underwear university vegetables vintage war whales wifi wikileaks windows wine witches women woolworths words work zebras zombies
The average human body contains enough bones to make an entire human skeleton.
The day that Einstein feared may have finally arrived.
The eponymous cows is used to demonstrate the advantages and flaws of certain economic systems.
So you’re saying people will “tweet” what they’re eating for breakfast?
At the end of a tiny, deserted bar is a huge Aboriginal bloke…
A stress management technique recommended in all the latest psychological texts.
You must stare very closely at the door in this image for around 30 seconds…
A dog dies and finds out chocolate killed him.
Queen Street Mall, Brisbane, GTA Style.
In Russia people sneeze fire after drinking lots of vodka.
How people in the colonies are still alive is beyond me…
Laurel and Hardy were repairing their roof. All of a sudden, Hardy lost his balance and went tumbling on the ground…
You are alone on an uninhabited island. Which of these would you choose as your companion?
Hey, bug on my back, are you a mite? I mite be. Stupidest pun I ever heard…
Stop says the red light, go says the green. Wait says the yellow light, twinkling in between. Kneel, says the demon light, with its eye of coal. Sauron knows your licence plate, and stares into your soul.
The left wing said they’d abolish poverty; right wing said they’d abolish bureaucracy. Odin said he’d abolish ice giants. Where are the ice giants? Vote Odin!
And I was all like, pew pew pew! Pew pew pew! ‘Merica!
The depressing ratio between your bank account, and your gas tank.
Good things are twice as good in Cellophane!
Steady Hand – The Results (or what happens when you play Steady Hand)
Here is a heart warming picture of a little girl that saved a fish from drowning.
“Just doing a spot-check to see what you’re doing… Yup, sitting at your computer again!” The expression on this ostrich’s face is excellent.
Chance of keeping your job if you’re wrong more than 75% of the time.
I’m awkward when people compliment me… “Nice hair” Me: “Thanks, I grew it myself”
A guy walks into a bar and takes a seat. Before he can order a beer, the bowl of pretzels in front of him says “Hey, you’re a handsome fellow.”
A mock-up of the iPhone 20 and Samsung Galaxy S23, after the launch of the “taller” iPhone5 & the larger Galaxy S3.
Australian Monopoly: St Marys to Penrith Special Edition.
The Branch Manager and the Assistant Branch Manager.
Christmas morning she’ll be happier with a Hoover.
How Could You Be So Insensitive? This is what it looks like from the other person’s perspective.
Boy sitting next to sign “No Campaigning beyond This Point” holding sign “Will Be President for Food”.
Paraprosdokians are figures of speech in which the latter part of a sentence or phrase is surprising or unexpected; frequently humorous.
Draw fake eyebrows on your baby. Then sit back and enjoy the humour.
Have you seen Pulp Fiction? Yeah, but I didn’t like it.
Video games don’t make us violent – lag does!
Walked into a public bathroom. Saw this and heard “hello?”
The real reason that we can’t have the Ten Commandments posted in a courthouse or parliament…
In Wine there is Truth. In Beer there is Strength. In Water there is Bacteria.
Proposing with an onion: Guaranteed to cry.
[To an assorted group of animals] Our Education System: For a fair selection everybody has to take the same exam: Please climb that tree.
I know what you’re thinking… she might scratch the paint.
Sorry for Party Rocking: Driver jumps from burning bus, party bus explodes in Inala.
When you live on a barely hospitable desert island that was once a continent-sized penal colony, your life tends to be a little more badass than the average person’s.
Robot Vacuum Cat Shark Duck Chase.
So the harder a wife works, the cuter she looks!
Does anyone have an extra Microsoft Office suite pass key?
Always love a woman for her personality. They have like 10, so you can choose.
Still more expressions than Kristen Stewart.
The 2011 Adelaide Earthquake: We will rebuild.
Alien blood transfusions are illegal for ghosts, but beach chickens win!
Her: Is it the ball-type deodorant you want sir? Him: Oh no miss – it’s for under my arms!
Aboriginal Spongebob spotted in Cairns.
Told her not to brag about her barbie dream house…
Of course I’ll be your valentine. Let’s stay home and watch some porn.
Steve Jobs & Bill Gates Discuss Heaven: It doesn’t have any wall or fence…
Big shark behind you: A signal they forgot to teach you in your open water class.
It was entertainment night at the senior centre and the Amazing Claude was topping the bill…
@KimKardashian @kanyewest Yo I’m Happy For You And Imma Let You Finish But Beyonce Had One Of The Best Labours Of All Time.
[Twitter] Taylor Swift: @KimKardashian @kanyewest Yo I’m happy for you and imma let you finish but Beyonce had one of the best labours of all time.
If I make you breakfast in bed, a simple “Thank you” is all I need. Not all this “How did you get in my house?” business.
It is such a drag when someone in the group can’t fly… forcing everybody else to have to ride up the elevator too…
A psychedelic illusion where a brightly coloured non-moving image appears to be pulsating in and out.
Video games ruined my life. Good thing I have two more.
Australian Kiss: same as a French Kiss… but down under.
I will deprive you of sex all night with my crying and then suck on your wife’s tits in the morning.
When someone yells “STOP”, I never know if it’s in the name of love, it’s Hammertime, or I should collaborate and listen…
In your mind’s browser, clear your cache… now delete your history… now navigate to a blank web page…
I’m signing up for an online dating service. I just need to pick a username. “Little Kid Lover”, that way people will know where my priorities are at.
You wouldn't think anyone reads my blog. I haven’t got a comment in weeks. Misspell something…
A hippopotamus has swallowed a dwarf in a circus accident…
It’s four o’clock in the morning. Why on earth are you making chocolate pudding?
Ask me about my attention deficit disorder or pie or my cat. A dog. I have a bike. Do you like TV? I saw a rock. Hi.
A western woman in Africa—presumably a tourist—squats to go to the toilet in the bush, pants down, toilet paper in hand, her backpack in the grass nearby; unaware a lion is sneaking up behind her. Captioned “if she hasn’t… she will soon”.
Best way to freak out your friends: Do not open unless you plan to kill it (written on an upside down container)
Major Tom’s Ground Control Lawn and Garden Management.
The Original Story of the Ant and the Grasshopper.
A man driving a car while a woman sits beside him, with her seatbelt across her mouth, preventing her from commenting.
Marriage secrets of highly successful couples.
1969: A child’s parents blame him for his bad grades. Today: A child’s parents blame his teacher for his bad grades.
How many mice does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
All non-fiction Lance Armstrong books including “Lance Armstrong: Images of a Champion”, “The Lance Armstrong Peprformance Program” and “Lance Armstrong: World’s Greatest Champion” will soon be moved to the fiction section.
The Government where the money’s made up and the debt doesn’t matter.
Yeah, well, I didn’t believe in reincarnation when I was your age, either.
How the Internet Started: A History Lesson.
The book “Understanding Women” is now available in paperback!
Man stating he ‘came too soon’ in front of sign stating ‘premature ejaculators anonymous’.
A list of all the pages, sorted by their last updated or creation dates.
A cop just pulled me over and said “Papers”… so I said “Scissors, I win” and drove off…
[A grumpy cat the day the Mayan calendar ended] “Still Here. Worst Apocalypse Ever.”
And then… after they had ripped out half of her pages… they turned her… into a movie!
Image of a soldier pointing a gun towards the camera with caption “When you first left, I missed you badly… I WONT THIS TIME”
5 very good reasons to punch a dolphin in the mouth.
The Blonde: It’s invisible sanitary protection, thank heavens…
It’s sickeningly cute. Perhaps literally if its expression is anything to go by…
I wish to clarify that I am not now, nor have I ever been, an exotic dancer…
But these are for girls… Holy Crap! I look fabulous!
And God promised men that good and obedient wives would be found in all corners of the world…
Research shows that if you’re afraid of spiders, you’re more likely to find one in your bedroom. I’m really afraid of Johnny Depp.
Blatz Beer: How Mother and Baby “Picked Up”.
Valve’s “Portal”, as an iPad decoration.
You’ll never be as happy as this turtle.
The differences between the major web browsers.
Food only. Absolutely no science in this microwave.
I was watching TV when I head my Dad in the kitchen laughing to himself. When I got up to see what he was doing, I walked in on this…
Don’t worry I’m Koalafied to drive.
Pregnancy & Women: Frequently Asked Questions
Buy two and receive a Free Fountain Face!
Please, Dave… please don’t let me be locked out from you! For complete feminine hygiene rely on Lysol – a concentrated germ-killer!
A woman was helping her husband set up his computer, and at the appropriate point in the process, the computer advised him that he would now need to enter a password…
Chocolate Easter Bunnies: My butt hurts! What?
Hazardous Materials Data Sheet – Woman.
The typical “evolution of man” poster, except the man is facing his “earlier ancestors” saying “Stop following me!”
An illustrated cat-guide to drugs…
Ancient Japanese Proverb. If you cannot understand Japanese, tilt your head to the right…
Angela Merkel arrives at Passport Control at Paris airport. “Nationality?” asks the immigration officer. “German,” she replies. “Occupation?” “No, just here for a few days.”
Everything you wanted to know about Phobias (but were afraid to ask)
I want you to know that someone out there cares. Not me, but someone does.
Your computer is broadcasting your IP over the Internet…
This revolutionary test will expose the secret desires from your subconscious…
General Motors doesn’t have a help line for people who don’t know how to drive because people don’t buy cars like they buy computers, but imagine if they did…
We’ve all heard about men having guts or balls. But do you really know the difference between them?
Do you ever get so angry… you throw a VCR at a burning bus?
The divorce rate among my socks is astonishing.
The Fellowship of the Ring.
Fifteen things to do at the supermarket while your spouse is taking their sweet time…
Dog attacks person. Put dog to sleep. Cat attacks person. LOL, jus’ bein’ a cat.
I think I might stay home tonight… Liver and Wallet like this.
Jam and butter the muddy plasters, the dirty bucket of pitch!
Notice is hereby given…
Ginny: When Harry broke up with me for my safety…
A sweet grandmother telephoned St. Joseph’s Hospital…
Went to the moon, took 5 photos. Went to the bathroom, took 37 photos.
Passive Agressive Hippie: You want a [peace sign] of me?
“Having more money doesn’t make you happier. I have 50 million dollars but I’m just as happy as when I had 48 million”
Meth: Before & After (or R2-D2 versus R2-FU).
Do not attempt capture because you’ll totally screw with the space/time continuum bro.
IKEA product recall advert on April Fools Day
Windows cannot find the file. Would you like some wine instead?
A business card styled to look like Windows Notepad.
An Australian chilli tester in Texas…
An IT student is walking along with his bike…
Keep calm. The Mayans were simply counting down to The Hobbit movie.
Interviewer: What would you consider to be your greatest weakness?
How to make money from facebook: 1) just go to “Account Settings”; 2) Press “Deactivate your account”; 3) Go to work.
The most effective birth control method known to man.
I stay up late every night, and realise it’s a bad idea every morning.
…to get to the point; why does your calendar end in 2012? Oh, that’s just a temporary problem in the beta version!
The Winner of the “Not My Job” Award goes to…
I'd rather break my arms than take two trips.
It looks like you’re a Communist traitor…
Her: Do you want to her a joke about my vagina? Nevermind… you’ll never get it! Her: Do you want to her a joke about my vagina? Nevermind… you’ll never get it!
Goldstar Beer Ads: What goes through the mind of men and women when they’re asked to go for a drink…
Private customer parking only. All others will be toad.
My greatest social fear: The Accidental Conversation Loop.
iPhone 6 Plus versus Nokia 3310: Does it bend?
The location of our Bat Cave is meant to be secret, so stop checking in!
Dear Dr Ruth, I’m writing to tell you my problem. It seems I have been married to a sex maniac for the past 22 years…
Give a man a fish and he has food for a day. Teach a man to fish and he has to buy bamboo rods, graphite reels, monofilament lines, neoprene waders, creels, tackleboxes, lures, flies, spinners, worm rigs, slip sinkers, offset hooks, gore-tex hats, 20 pocket vests, fish finders, depth sounders, radar, boats, trailers, global positioning systems, coolers and six-packs.
Women: No problem girls… I can go on. Men: Ahhhh! I’m dying.
If a girl ever pulls out a knife on you during an argument, pull out some bread and mayo. Her feminine instincts will kick in and she’ll make you a sandwich.
Went to the moon, took 5 photos. Went to the bathroom, took 37 photos.
[2 Mayan Guys] Wanna beer? I’m working on this calendar, but I guess if I don’t finish it won’t be the end of the world.
101 Things You Do Not Want Your System Administrator to say.
Brace Yourself. Pizza is coming.
[Campbell Newman laughing] …and then I said to the public service… you can trust me…
Dear Santa, if you leave a new bike under the tree, I will give you the antidote to the poison I put in the milk.
One is dark, one is light. One is gray, one is white. These are obviously two different blocks with two different colors right? Wrong. The two blocks are the same color.
I accidentally swallowed some scrabble tiles… My next dump could spell disaster.
The Adventures of TinTin: TinTin in Wynnum.
This guy’s an idiot! Quick, take a picture!
Heh… I’ve just thought of a joke with the longest set-up ever! Cool! I’ll fetch a scribe…
I can’t believe the “WMD” trick is working again with Iran. Suckers…
Everytime I hear people complain about online gaming, I wish they could experience my pain of online gaming in the 90’s…
If you cannot find the book that you are looking for, then you’re obviously in the… Wong Fook Hing Book Store!
Dunno mate, maybe she’s flooded?
My man likes something unexpected now and then. That’s why I serve him rice.
Indoors, women are useful — even pleasant. On a mountain they are something of a drag. So don’t go hauling them up a cliff…
List of reasons why a room would have to contain a bucket and be almost entirely laminated: 1) Bad reasons.
Dear Abby, I’ve never written to you before, but I really need your advice on what could be a crucial decision…
Did you try jumping off the refrigerator too?
For too long the voice of women has been silenced. It’s time they had microphones in kitchens.
The Alphabet Game is a car game played to amuse travellers on long car rides.
What are we? Browsers! What do we want? More speed! And when do we want it? Right now!
There are three kinds of people: Impatient, patient, and rich.
There are two rules for success: Never reveal everything you know…
A raccoon lies dead on the road, holding a “get well soon” balloon.
Kim Jong-un: I’m going to nuke everyone. Kim, eat a Snickers. Kim: Why? Because you turn into a war mongler when you’re hungry. Better? Kim: Better.
Two cars were waiting at a stoplight. The light turned green, but the man didn’t notice it…
A message to the citizens of the United States of America from Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II.
You should never do anything wrong, it will catch up with you…
Feeling sad and depressed? Are you anxious? Worried about the future? Feeling isolated and alone? You might be suffering from Capitalism.
What to do when you’re locked inside your car, and the keys are outside…
A Case in Communism: The Super Mario Story.
Well, I guess we’ll beheading home now…
The second amendment gives Americans the right to bear arms. I think many have taken this out of context.
We always hear the rules from the female side. Now here are the rules from the male side…
If someone from the 1950s suddenly appeared today, what would be the most difficult thing to explain to them about life today?
My dog Bailey tried to steal stuff out of my daughter’s purse. He got stuck and came over to me for help.
Ancient Egyptians: Posting cats to their walls since 3150 BC
Have a seat Kermit. What I’m about to tell you might come as a big shock…
Relax and concentrate on the four small dots in the middle of the picture…
Feel free to send me anything you think might amuse me.
Dad: Sometimes I sit on the floor and put my arms around my knees and lean forward. Daughter: Huh? Dad: Cuz that’s how I roll!
While at university at Oxford in 1963, Bob Hawke, former Prime Minister of Australia, entered the Guinness Book of Records here at the Turf Tavern after downing a yard of ale (that’s just over 2½ pints!) in just 11 seconds.
Anatidaephobia is the fear that somewhere in the world, there is a duck watching you.
Two Google searches: One for “how can u” and one for “how can an individual”
Like if you can raed tihs whit no porlqebm baecuas yuor jsut taht sarmt.
Goodnight my beautiful girl I’m so lucky to have you in my life. I love you so much <3
Can your Mac do this? I don’t think so…
See if you can outsmart your foot…
When Jane initially met Tarzan of the Jungle, she was attracted to him, and during her questions about his life, she asked him how he had sex…
A man walking two long dogs meets a man walking two normal dogs…
When English teachers snap: Sorry Ma’am, but bad grammar is no excuse for vandalism.
I think it’s only fair to throw monopoly money at strippers with fake boobs.
I tried cooking supper with wine tonight. Didn’t go so well. After 5 glasses I forgot why I was even in the kitchen.
Interviewer: What would you consider to be your greatest weakness?
A road crew foreman calls into the shop. Foreman: “We have a problem.”
If Chinese people tattooed lame English words on themselves…
It’s a beautiful day. I really want you to go outside and play.
The correct way to spell potato is “GHOUGHPHTHEIGHTTEEAU”.
Stupid Child Efficiency Mop. Wipe high-efficiently.
Monster energy drinks & Rubiks Cubes: Dude. You have a problem. Problem solved!
Sentence Structure: Why sentence structure is important.
In 1986, Peter Davies was on holiday in Kenya after graduating from Louisiana State University…
To avoid perpetuating gender stereotypes, I gave my daughter a mix of dolls and toy cars to play with. This is what happened…
At last, the mystery of the Mayan calendar revealed.
Melbourne Cup Cat Horse.
[Kevin Rudd] Where was I before I was so rudely interrupted?
Windows. Still the most used operating system, and undoubtedly the most abused.
This morning on the freeway, I looked over to my left and there was a woman in a brand new Cadillac doing 110…
Why, that’s my Talking Clock…
Clippit: It looks like you are wasting office supplies. Would you like some help?
All this technology is making us antisocial: A tram full of people ignoring each other and reading the newspaper.
I am passing this on to you because it definitely worked for me today, and we all could probably use more calm in our lives.
Hands in the air! Now wave them around like you just don’t care!
I was going to make a joke about a bank, but then I lost interest…
People from around the world opening beer in their own unique ways.
A rather mean impression of what Michael Jackson’s dog might look like, if it had similar surgery.
I just burned 1500 calories in about five minutes. I forgot the pizza was in the oven.
3 years in jail for stealing my nose!
Amusing news headlines
Upgrade kit for iPhone 4 owners. Only 99¢.
There was a spider, I panicked. But I think it’s gone now.
You’re fired Jack, the lab results just came back and you tested positive for Coke.
An Aussie Taxidermist in New Zealand…
Let’s all take a moment and be thankful that spiders don’t fly!
Blow in her face and she'll follow you anywhere.
Of course we want peace–this piece and this piece and this piece and this piece…
What disease is your medical marijuana relieving?
What is a word made up of 4 letters yet is also made up of 3. Although is written with 8 letters, and then with 4. Rarely consists of 6, and never is written with 5.
I’m returning these glasses I bought for my husband. He’s still not seeing things my way.
But God, She Won’t Even Make Me a Sandwich…
I wish they would invent something to keep the sun out of my eyes…
I don’t always get rated on my terrorism attacks, but when I do, I usually get 9/11.
How the hell is the ball still in your hand?
Just been watching Ladies Beach Volleyball, and there’s already been a wrist injury… but I should be OK by Friday.
Why do Java developers wear glasses? Because they don’t C#!
If today is “May the 4th be with you” does that mean tomorrow is “revenge of the 5th?”
What’s the main reason for motorbike accidents in Jamaica?
Two Aboriginal lads are riding along the Hume Highway on a motorbike…
Congress: have you tried turning it off and on again?
Experience trumps youth.
The Chef does everything but cook – that’s what wives are for!
A simple, and humorous, flowchart that successfully troubleshoots almost any problem you can think of.
You know, Bob, one of these days, they’re going to scream too late, and we’re all gonna die…
I don’t always smile, but when I do, I don’t.
I hope he doesn’t say something retarded…
Titanic ALS Ice Bucket Challenge: “I accept your ice water challenge”.
I used to smile… until I worked retail.
Amanda is 21 years older than her son John. In 6 years from now, Amanda will be 5 times as old as John…
A woman wearing a shirt: Slide to Unlock.
A woman asks her partner at breakfast time, “Would you like some bacon and eggs a slice of toast and, maybe, some grapefruit juice and coffee?”
Well, tell me, Randy. Has someone eaten all the refrigerator magnets again?
Hillary Clinton goes to her doctor for a physical…
Holy crap! Look how late it is! Why do I always do this? Why is it so hard to stop surfing the internet and just go to bed?
A post with a poster on it, “Be the first of your friends to like this post”.
Xbox One vs. An Ordinary Brick: Price, DRM Free, Requires Internet, Region Locked…
Not to get technical but according to chemistry alcohol is a solution.
Proof that not knowing everything is the best way to go.
The 2012 Melbourne Earthquake: We will rebuild.
If your phone gets wet, try placing it in a bag of rice. At night, the rice will attract Asians who will fix your electronics for you.
Angry Birds Australia…
Tomorrow (noun): a mystical land where 99% of all human productivity, motivation and achievement is stored.
And Then I Said… The Differences Between Boys & Girls.
When comforting a grammar nazi, I always say softly, “there, their, they’re”
Investment Opportunity. Thought you might want to consider getting on board early.
A Nurse was on duty in the Emergency Room, when a young woman with purple hair styled into a punk rocker Mohawk, sporting a variety of tattoos, and wearing strange clothes, entered…
A re-enactment of Michelangelo’s famous “The Creation of Adam”.
I was on an online conference call with a cute sounding girl, and googled her name out of curiosity. Forgot I was sharing my screen with her.
Who ever invented the “knock-knock jokes” should get a no-bell prize!
Help the needy?
Sabrina demonstrates the world’s finest projection equipment…
In what is perhaps one of the more stupid “features” on my Samsung Galaxy Note, when it reaches full charge, it lights up its screen and pops up and audible alert saying “Battery fully charged. Unplug charger.” As I charge my phone at night, it is effectively an extremely annoying unwanted wake-up call.
A major research institution recently announced the discovery of the heaviest element yet known to science. The new element has been named Governmentium.
You don’t want to be stuck out here.
Clint Felmingham: Did you know? Keith Urban is accepted by many Americans as a genuine humanoid/musician. Urban, a polymer composite (90% polyethene, 8% alcohol, 2% minor celebrity), was manufactured in Caboolture, Australia in 1987..
My wife believes she is a better driver. I let our dog decide.
Black Jack Black eating Cracker Jack playing a black jack while playing BlackJack with Jack Black who is threatening Black Jack Black with a Black Jack.
Describe a process that could be used to create a simple door.
Your child is being eaten by a camel. Do you… a) Save your child, or b) Take a photo?
A real girlfriend does not complain when her boyfriend is on his xbox…
A middle-aged woman decides to have a facelift…
When you’re upset just imagine a T-Rex making a bed.
An SQL query walks into a bar, goes up to two tables and asks, “May I join you?”
Obi-Wan Kenobi in front of burning World Trade Centre towers: “These blast points… too accurate for sand people”.
An old woman was sipping on a glass of wine…
Now you’re just some bunny that I used to know.
A lemur who has discovered the wondrousness of cupcakes for the fist time.
This story happened a short while ago near Brisbane, and even though it sounds a little Alfred Hitchcock… it’s (supposedly) true.
A college class was told they had to write a short story in as few words as possible.…
3 out of 4 voices in my head want to sleep (the other wants to know if penguins have knees!)
The Circle of Life: Who is afraid of who?
Balloons are so weird… “Happy Birthday, here’s a plastic sack of my breath”
I’m sorry dear. I can’t hear you. I’m in the kitchen, making you a sandwich.
A man and his wife were having an argument about who should brew the coffee each morning…
20 years ago we had Johnny Cash, Bob Hope and Steve Jobs. Now we have No Cash, No Hope and No Jobs. Please don’t let Kevin Bacon die.
How television benefits your children.
Remember when you threw a shoe at me and I fell somewhere behind the bed? I remember too.
Mum, what’s it like to have the greatest daughter in the world? I don’t know dear… you’ll have to ask grandma.
A man had two of the best tickets for the opening State of Origin match. As he sits down, another man comes along and asks if anyone is sitting in the seat next to him…
A mock-up of the iPhone 10, after the launch of the “taller” iPhone5.
You may have heard on the news about a Southern California man who was put under 72-hour psychiatric observation when it was found he owned 100 guns and allegedly had 100,000 rounds of ammunition stored in his home…
Introducing the New Zealand All Blacks Bra. All the support, but no cup.
Next time a stranger talks to me when I’m alone I will look at them shocked and just whisper quietly, “you can see me?”
Text of a letter from a kid from Eromanga to Mum and Dad.
But Mr. Berlusconi, you said, “Send a 25 years old escort to my villa!”
I said be quiet! Don’t make me come in there!
Browser Wars: Chrome versus Firefox… and Internet Explorer…
Just in case you have trouble knowing when you’ve met a Democrat…
A game of skill, requiring a steady hand and keen eye – make sure you play at least the first two levels…
A baby sees fireworks for the first time.
A woman inadvertently points a gun towards a man.
One evening an old farmer decided to go down to the pond, as he hadn’t been there for a while, and look it over. He grabbed a five gallon bucket to bring back some fruit. As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee. As he came closer he saw it was a bunch of young women skinny dipping in his pond…
The World’s Shortest Books
An Irish daughter had not been to her parent’s house for over five years…
I phone, you tube. Hi honey, I’m home. Chocolate milk shake.
The following short quiz consists of four questions and will tell you whether you are qualified to be a “professional”…
skdjaskdhsajdahsdjashds.jpg already exists. Do you want to replace it? You've got to be kidding me.
NSW playing economically. 2 punches per Gallen.
Who are we? Women! What do we want? We don’t know! When do we want it? NOW!
North Korea: I will destroy America! Obama: Too late!
Well I’m grounded. WTF did you do this time? My Mum asked me to do the laundry and threw a sock at me… I ran away screaming “Master has presented Dobby with clothes! Dobby is free!”
Colgate have created an ingenious campaign to promote their dental floss.
Perfect Existence: The Proof
No pony for Christmas? No window for driving!
Wives: Look this ad over carefully. Circle the items you want for Christmas. Show it to your husband. If he does not go to the store immediately, cry a little…
It is with great happiness that I’m telling you that I eloped with my new boyfriend…
The new iPhone 5C with IOS 7.
If you like it then you shoulda put a pin on it!
I’ve never seen a Flow Chart described so clearly.
When a woman says “what?”, it’s not because she didn’t hear you. She’s giving you a chance to change what you said.
You never listen to me! You only hear what you want to hear!
The breakdown of modern web design.
Always wear underwear in public, especially when working under your vehicle…
I can’t believe she didn’t press charges. It got worse when he posted the unpeeled photos of her.
A squirrel got its head stuck in a Halloween decoration and terrified a neighbourhood…
This is a strawberry. This is ginger…
The next time you get a rejection letter from a hoped-for employer or publisher, just send them the following…
For the benefit of passengers using Apple iOS6, local area maps are available from the booking office.
A ship shipping ship shipping shipping ships.
Police & Protesters help fat man remove pants…
Cat: The dog went missing? Hahaha! Hahaha! I’m sorry human. Hahaha… no seriously, I’m so sad…
She made that clown extremely happy.
I wonder what I would look like with a six pack? Ahh, much better!
Calm down… If the Mayans were good at predicting the future, there would still be Mayans.
A kangaroo kicks an unsuspecting boy into a dam while an emu strolls past.
What would robots from 1960’s and 1970’s TV say today with current software installed?
English: Do Not Enter Here; Spanish: Entero Somewhere Elso.
Marriage: Before & After (Chicken Style).
Spring is here. I’m so excited I wet my plants!
Cocaine Toothache Drops: Instantaneous Cure! 15¢.
Long story short, we’re in love. I know it seems sudden but life is sudden like that, you know? Anyways, best of luck finding your fish.
I stayed up all night to see where the sun went. Then it dawned on me…
Optical illusion: Keep your eyes on the cross, and see what happens.
I remember one time while hiking with my girlfriend in northern Alberta and out of nowhere came this huge brown bear charging us, and was she mad!
Doctor Bob had sex with one of his patients and felt guilty all day long…
What smoke detectors warn you about.
A baby’s laughter is one of the most beautiful sounds you’ll ever hear. Unless it’s 3 AM, you’re home alone, and you don’t have a baby.
Moses, meet Steve. He’s gonna upgrade your tablets…
Biology – the only science where multiplication and division mean the same thing…
An atheist, a Jew, and a Christian walk into a bar…
>A man, and his wife are awakened at 3 o’clock in the morning by a loud pounding on the door…
I think you’re spending too much time on the computer. Your fingers move when you talk…
A collection of creative Apple MacBook stickers & decals.
Jason Voorhees (Friday the 13th) gets Crocs.
Zombies! Oh, wait… false alarm, it’s just the Rolling Stones… carry on!
A man came home from work, sat down in his favourite chair, turned on the TV, and said to his wife, “Quick, bring me a beer before it starts”…
What if the Beatles had been computer freaks?
Dropbears are a very real danger to all Australians. Almost one in ten Australians has been attacked by a Dropbear, and the rate is even higher for foreign visitors. Don’t become another statistic. Always beware low branches and doorframes. Look up. Stay Alive.
I have CDO. It’s like OCD but all the letters are in alphabetical order. As they should be.
I’m telling you – the man and the dog are definitely working together…
They keep talking about drafting a Constitution for Iraq…
A man took his wife to the Rodeo and one of the exhibits is that of breeding bulls…
If you stare at this picture long enough you should be able to see a giraffe…
I think it is just terrible and disgusting how everyone has treated Lance Armstrong, especially after what he achieved, winning seven Tour de France races while on drugs. When I was on drugs, I couldn’t even find my bike.
You know you are having a bad day when…
World domination is everyone’s dream. It’s not a bad job really…
Three birds sitting on a wire, a fourth sitting in mid air. He's got wifi.
Make your own Apple laptop the cheap—and healthy—way!
It’s a male dominated culture, no matter how you look at it…
How People in Science See Each Other.
Attention! Today is Sunday. Share this on your Facebook wall. Within seven days you’ll get another Sunday…
To wake up gay in the morning just try this at Bedtime Tonight!
CIA: we put the coke in America.
Ultimate chick flick: Two women fighting over a pair of shoes
I’ve learned so much from my mistakes… I’m thinking of making a few more.
A young woman was pulled over for speeding. A NSW Police Officer walked to her car window flipping open his ticket book. She said “I bet you are going to try and sell me a ticket to the Policeman’s Ball.” He said, “NSW Police don’t have balls.” There was a moment of silence. Then he closed his book, tipped his hat, and got back in his patrol car and left!
What do we want? Better memory! When do we want it? Want what?
Perhaps the only blue screen of death geeks would be happy to see.
If she doesn’t put me down in about two seconds, I will be forced to use my fist!
Comments, Facebook Open Graph, & Other Similar Social Data.
Success is not always what you see…
Dispatcher: Emergency Services, how may I help you?
Hi honey. This is Daddy. Is Mummy near the phone?
Isn’t it time you gave yourself a Christmas Gift?
The many hand gestures of Kevin Rudd.
A comprehensive guide to fixing any computer.
First Robert De Niro, then Robert De Faro.
I. Like. It. How. When. You. Read. This. The. Little. Voice. In. Your. Head. Takes. Pauses.
I laugh at your claims to bravely take on a zombie apocalypse, when most of you can’t stand up to a spider.
There’s only one thing I hate more than lying. Skim milk, which is water that’s lying about being milk.