Amusing Quotes & One-Liners — Ned Martin’s Amused

Amusing Quotes & One-Liners

I hate women because they always know where things are.

I dropped out of communism class because of lousy Marx.

There is nothing so annoying as to have two people go right on talking when you’re interrupting.

If you don’t know where you are going, you will wind up somewhere else.

I had amnesia once or twice.

I took an IQ test and the results were negative.

I’d explain it to you, but your brain would explode.

If automobiles had followed the same development cycle as the computer, a Rolls Royce would today cost $100, get a million miles per gallon, and explode once a year, killing everyone inside.

Birthdays are good for you. Statistics show that the people who have the most live the longest.

How do you sink an Irish Submarine? Knock on the hatch.

Cole’s Law: Thinly sliced cabbage.

Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

It is a fitting irony that under Richard Nixon, ‘launder’ became a dirty word.

Allow me to introduce my selves.

The illegal we do immediately. The unconstitutional takes a little longer. – Henry Kissinger

Be careful when reading health books; you may die of a misprint.

A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat.

It’s hard to face the problem, when the problem is your face.

The surprising thing about young fools is how many survive to become old fools.

Be kind to your dentist. He has fillings, too.

I thought I made a mistake once, but I was wrong.

Applying computer technology is simply finding the right wrench to pound in the correct screw.

If it weren’t for the last minute, nothing would ever get done.

A poor excuse is like an old bucket; doesn’t matter what shape it is in, as long as it holds water.

Why is it that to stop Windows, you have to click on “Start”?

You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.

In this world, nothing is certain but death and taxes. – Benjamin Franklin

I envy people who drink – at least they know what to blame everything on.

Bachelors know more about women than married men; if they didn’t they’d be married too.

Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?

Oh, don’t fuss. I just cut myself. It’s no big deal,” REALLY MEANS, “I have actually severed a limb, but will bleed to death before I admit I’m hurt.”

This Would Be Really Funny If It Weren’t Happening To Me.

It has recently been discovered that research causes cancer in rats.

The scientific theory I like best is that the rings of Saturn are composed entirely of lost airline luggage.

Stupidity is not a handicap! Park somewhere else!

A backwards poet writes inverse.

When you do not know what you are doing, do it neatly.

Don’t take life too seriously—you’ll never get out of it alive.

The earthquake in Washington obviously was the government’s fault.

The most precious thing we have is life. Yet it has absolutely no trade-in value.

Marathon runners with bad footwear suffer the agony of defeat.

Seeing a murder on television...will help work off one’s antagonisms. And if you haven’t any antagonisms, the commercials will give you some.

Keyboard not detected. Press F1 to continue

In the beginning, God created earth and rested. Then God created man and rested. Then God created woman. Since then, neither God nor man has rested.

By the time a man realises that his father was right, he has a son who thinks he’s wrong.

I used to be apathetic, but now I don’t give a damn.

To find out a girl’s faults, praise her to her girl friends.

“When you starve with a tiger, the tiger starves last”. — Griffin’s Thought

If you want your spouse to listen and pay strict attention to every word you say, talk in your sleep.

Why don’t you ever see the headline “Psychic Wins Lottery”?

Honest criticism is hard to take, particularly from a relative, a friend, an acquaintance, or a stranger.

Is there life before death?

You can’t have everything. Where would you put it?

It is even harder for the average ape to believe that he has descended from man.

Artificial Intelligence is no match for Natural Stupidity.

If money talks, it ain’t on speakin’ terms with me.

There are 10 types of people in the world: Those who understand binary, and those who don’t.

Bacteria: the only culture some people have.

What sane person could live in this world and not be crazy?

Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.

A soldier who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran.

“If carrots are so good for the eyes, how come I see so many dead rabbits on the highway?”

“How come we choose from just two people to run for president and 50 for Miss America?”

Don’t marry for money. You can borrow it cheaper.

We spend the first twelve months of our children’s lives teaching them to walk and talk and the next twelve telling them to sit down and shut up.

He who smiles in a crisis has found someone to blame.

One of the greatest labour-saving inventions today is tomorrow.

Nothing means nothing, but it isn’t really nothing because nothing is something that isn’t.

I stayed up all night to see where the sun went. Then it dawned on me.

Anything not nailed down is a cat toy.

If we don’t succeed, we run the risk of failure.

I wished the buck stopped here, as I could use a few.

Half of the people in the world are below average.

Time flies like an arrow – fruit flies like a banana.

Sex on television can’t hurt you unless you fall off.

“I think there is a world market for maybe five computers.” — Thomas Watson, chairman of IBM, 1943.

Shin: a device for finding furniture in the dark.

To succeed in politics, it is often necessary to rise above your principles.

I married my wife for her looks... but not the ones she’s been giving me lately!

Foolproof systems don’t take into account the ingenuity of fools.

Get a new car for your spouse – it’ll be a great trade!

One should forgive one’s enemies, but not before they are hanged.

All men are equal. Some are just more equal than others.

Some people are going to leave a mark on this world, while others will leave a stain.

“Always be sincere, even when you don’t mean it”. — Irene Peter

I took a speed reading course and read ‘War and Peace’ in twenty minutes. It involves Russia. Enough women for four.

Never underestimate the power of very stupid people in large groups.

If quizzes are quizzical, what are tests?

Pardon my driving, I am reloading.

I want to die peacefully in my sleep like my grandfather, not screaming in abject horror like his passengers.

Programmer – A red-eyed, mumbling mammal capable of conversing with inanimate objects.

In a Copenhagen airline ticket office: We take your bags and send them in all directions.

Computers make it easy to do a lot of things, but most of the things that make it easier to do don’t need to be done.

I am free of all prejudices. I hate everyone equally.

If you choke a smurf, what colour does it turn?

Half of being smart is knowing what you are dumb at.

Always try to be modest and be proud of it!

Men occasionally stumble over the truth, but most of them pick themselves up and hurry off as if nothing had happened. – Winston Churchill

Climbers aim for the summit because it is there. Bungi jumpers dive off the top because they aren’t all there.

Insanity is hereditary; you can get it from your children.

Why is it that doctors call what they do “practice”?

It is hard to understand how a cemetery raised its burial charges and blamed it on the cost of living.

How do you keep an Irishman busy? Write P.T.O on both sides of a piece of paper.

The difference between a stepping-stone and a stumbling block can be when you see it.

“Reader, suppose you were an idiot. And suppose you were a member of Congress. But I repeat myself”. — Mark Twain

I used to be a banker, but then I lost interest.

I’m not dumb; I just have a command of thoroughly useless information.

Consciousness: that annoying time between naps.

It is hard enough to remember my opinions, without also remembering my reasons for them!

Never put off until tomorrow what you can avoid altogether.

The sooner you fall behind the more time you’ll have to catch up.

Time’s fun when you’re having flies... Kermit the Frog

Don’t stop to stomp on ants when the elephants are stampeding.

If it weren’t for electricity we’d all be watching television by candlelight?

I thought I wanted a career, turns out I just wanted paychecks.

If you’re not confused, you’re not paying attention.

“Are you going to come quietly, or do I have to use earplugs?”—Vale Spike Milligan

“The best thing about the future is that it comes only one day at a time.” – Abraham Lincoln

A committee is a body that keeps minutes and wastes hours.

Smoking cures weight problems...eventually...

Cluster bombing from B-52s is very, very accurate – the bombs always hit the ground.

It’s not that I’m afraid to die; I just don’t want to be there when it happens.

Every time I look at you I get a fierce desire to be lonesome.

I think animal testing is a terrible idea; they get all nervous and give the wrong answers.

No sense being pessimistic, it probably wouldn’t work anyway.

The day I can’t do my job drunk is the day I turn in my badge and gun.

Never go to a doctor whose office plants have died.

Men don’t care what’s on TV. They only care what else is on TV.

Take my advice, I don’t use it anyway.

As the light changed from red to green to yellow and back to red again, I sat there thinking about life. Was it nothing more than a bunch of honking and yelling? Sometimes it seemed that way.

Never put both feet in your mouth at the same time, because then you don’t have a leg to stand on.

According to recent study someone is run over by a car every 5 minutes in the city. You’d think the guy would have enough sense to get out of the street.

All the toilets in New York’s police stations have been stolen. The police have nothing to go on.

I am not a vegetarian because I love animals; I am a vegetarian because I hate plants.

Well, this day was a total waste of makeup.

I married Miss Right. I just didn’t know her first name was Always.

I did a theatrical performance about puns. It was a play on words.

Show me a piano falling down a mineshaft and I’ll show you A-flat minor.

Laughing stock: cattle with a sense of humour.

Brain: an apparatus with which we think we think.

Does this smell like chloroform to you?

When you get a bladder infection, urine trouble.

I had some words with my wife, and she had some paragraphs with me.

Age always corresponds inversely to the size of your multivitamin.

If you can’t beat your computer at chess, try kickboxing.

Help Wanted: Telepath. You know where to apply.

Before marriage, a man yearns for the woman he loves. After marriage, the ‘Y’ becomes silent.

I fear my inferiority complex is not as good as yours.

If a woman has to choose between catching a fly ball and saving an infant’s life, she will choose to save the infant’s life without even considering if there is a man on base.—Dave Barry

Best way to get a man to do something, is to suggest they are too old for it.

Illiterate? Write For Help.

One day I will get this peer guy and reset his connection.

The short fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.

Does your train of thought have a caboose?

“Hey, I’ve got reasons for what I’m doing,” REALLY MEANS, “I sure hope I think of some pretty soon.”

I tried to photograph the fog, but I mist.

Only a fool is astonished by the foolishness of humankind.

I love cats – they taste just like chicken.

It used to be only death and taxes were inevitable. Now, of course, there’s shipping and handling, too.

Bacteria: the only culture some people have.

Money can’t buy happiness, but it sure makes misery easier to live with.

Leftists are among the first to speak of their rights.

I didn’t like my beard at first. Then it grew on me.

I have noticed that the people who are late are often so much jollier that the people who have to wait for them.

There are only three kinds of people; people who can count and people who can’t.

I haven’t spoken to my wife for 18 months: I don’t like to interrupt her.

Don’t look back. Something may be gaining on you.

Remember half the people you know are below average.

If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?

“A patriot must always be ready to defend his country against his government”. — Edward Abbey

He’s not dead, he’s electroencephalographically challenged.

“Everyday I beat my own previous record for number of consecutive days I’ve stayed alive.”

Life is complex: it has real and imaginary parts.

If people concentrated on the really important things in life, there’d be a shortage of fishing poles.

Anyone can admit they were wrong; the true test is admitting it to someone else.

Life is far too important to be taken seriously.

Arguing on the Internet is like competing in the Special Olympics – even if you win, you are still retarded.

I have kleptomania, but when it gets bad, I take something for it. ~ Robert Benchle

I was the next door kid’s imaginary friend.

For people who like peace and quiet – a phoneless cord.

“There are only two things that are infinite: the universe and human stupidity. And I’m not sure about the universe.” A. Einstein

I laugh in the face of danger, except if I’m involved.

If I were someone who knew something, who could I tell that would believe me?

If it’s 0 degrees today and it’s going to be twice as cold tomorrow... how cold will it be?

Proofread carefully to see if you any words out.

Democracy is a government where you can say what you think even if you don’t think.

I don’t want to achieve immortality through my work. I want to achieve immortality through not dying.

“I’ve noticed that everyone who is for abortion has already been born.” – Ronald Reagan

If at first you don’t succeed, try, try again. Then quit. There’s no use being a damned fool about it.

Connection Reset By Aboriginal With Wire Cutters

“Banking establishments are more dangerous than standing armies”. — Thomas Jefferson

Love is blind, but marriage is a real eye-opener.

I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol.

I live in my own little world, but it’s ok they know me here.

A penny saved is a Congressional spending oversight.

A guy got arrested for playing the guitar. He was fingering a minor.

Love is like an hourglass, with the heart filling up as the brain empties.

On a tombstone: I TOLD YOU I WAS SICK

Time is God’s way of keeping everything from happening at once.

Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy.

Money is better than poverty, if only for financial reasons.

Tell me what you need, and I’ll tell you how to get along without it.

I’d give my right arm to be ambidextrous.

I always wanted to be a procrastinator, never got around to it though.

I’m desperately trying to figure out why kamikaze pilots wore helmets.

Don’t use a big word where a diminutive one will suffice.

Some people are alive only because it’s illegal to kill them.

It’s important to be open-minded, but not SO open-minded that your brains fall out.

I used to think I was indecisive, but now I’m not sure.

If At First You Don’t Succeed... Blame Someone Else And Seek Counseling.

There are two kinds of people, those who finish what they start, and so on.

Half our life is spent trying to find something to do with the time we have rushed through life trying to save.

In a Norwegian cocktail lounge: Ladies are requested not to have children in the bar.

Man does not live by words alone, despite the fact that sometimes he has to eat them.

A pessimist is a man who has been compelled to live with an optimist

“Your mouse has moved. Windows must be restarted for the change to take effect. Reboot now ? [OK]”

If you can stay calm, while all around you is chaos... then you probably haven’t completely understood the situation.

I have had more trouble with myself than with any other man I’ve met.

“I wish everyone was peaceful. Then I could take over the planet with a butter knife”—Dogbert

Bigamy is having one wife too many. Monogamy is the same. – Oscar Wilde

A bargain is something you don’t need at a price you can’t resist.

Mental Floss prevents Moral Decay.

Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way when you criticize them, you are a mile away from them and you have their shoes.

I majored in liberal arts. Will that be for here or to go?

Warning: Dates in Calendar are closer than they appear.

Nick Overruled - Democratic Majority Decision

I’m out of my mind, but feel free to leave a message.

I either want less corruption, or more chance to participate in it.

If I have to work for an idiot, I might as well work for myself.

The amount of work to be done increases in proportion to the amount of work already completed. — VAIL’S SECOND AXIOM

People don’t grow up; they just learn how to act in public.

How do you spot an Irishman at a carwash? He’s the one on the bike.

Why do we wash bath towels, aren’t we clean when we use them?

Pick your friends but not to pieces.

Having more money doesn’t make you happier. I have 50 million dollars but I’m just as happy as when I had 48 million. ~ Arnold Schwarzenegger.

I often quote myself; it adds spice to my conversation.

Did you hear about the cross-eyed teacher who lost her job because she couldn’t control her pupils?

If you don’t learn to laugh at troubles, you won’t have anything to laugh at when you grow old.

I Haven’t Lost My Mind, It’s Backed Up On Disk Somewhere.

Being in the army is like being in the Boy Scouts, except that the Boy Scouts have adult supervision.

The things that come to those that wait may be the things left by those who got there first.

So Many Pedestrians – So Little Time.

You have the right to your opinions. I just don’t want to hear them.

If we aren’t supposed to eat animals, why are they made of meat?

“I’ve been on a calendar but I have never been on time” – Marilyn Monroe

A clean tie attracts the soup of the day.

We are going on a field trip to the Coca-Cola factory. I hope there are no pop quizzes.

Legend: a lie that has attained the dignity of age.

“I have never let my schooling interfere with my education.”—Mark Twain

Why does Sea World have a seafood restaurant? I’m halfway through my fish burger and I realize, Oh my gosh... I could be eating a slow learner.

The beatings will continue until morale improves.

Man who run in front of car get tired.

I spilled spot remover on my dog. Now he’s gone.

Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying of nothing.

A diplomatic husband said to his wife, how do you expect me to remember your birthday when you never look any older?

We waste time, so you don’t have to.

That which cannot be taken apart will fall apart.

Politicians are people who, when they see the light at the end of the tunnel, go out and buy more tunnel.

Where do you find an Irish woodworm? Dead inside a brick.

111,111,111 x 111,111,111 = 12,345,678,987,654,321

I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.

I am obviously right, and as you disagree with me, then logically you must be wrong.

My mind not only wanders, sometimes it leaves completely.

In a Rome laundry: Ladies, leave your clothes here and spend the afternoon having a good time.

Ninety-nine per cent of the people in the world are fools and the rest of us are in great danger of contagion.

It’s bad luck to be superstitious.

Eschew obfuscation.

Cleverly Disguised As A Responsible Adult.

When a clock is hungry, it goes back four seconds.

Doctor, Doctor You’ve got to help me – I just can’t stop my hands shaking. Do you drink a lot? Not really – I spill most of it!

“You start coding. I’ll go find out what they want.” — Computer analyst to programmer

Someday we’ll look back on all this and plow into the back of a parked car.

The trouble with our times is that the future is not what it used to be.

Experience is simply the name we give our mistakes.

There are two kinds of people, those who finish what they start, and so on.

I generally avoid temptation unless I can’t resist it.

If the world should blow itself up, the last audible voice would be that of an expert saying it can’t be done.

If at first you don’t succeed, skydiving is not your sport.

Whenever I feel like exercise, I lie down until the feeling passes.

I guess traffic in the city is improving a little. Yesterday, I drove clear across town and only had to shave twice.

If I’d known I was going to live this long, I’d have taken better care of myself.

Whenever people agree with me, I always feel I must be wrong.

Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don’t.

“On two occasions I have been asked [by members of Parliament!]: ‘Pray, Mr. Babbage, if you put into the machine wrong figures, will the right answers come out ?’ I am not able rightly to apprehend the kind of confusion of ideas that could provoke such a question.” — Charles Babbage.

I arise in the morning torn between a desire to improve the world and a desire to enjoy the world. This makes it hard to plan the day.

What do you call a dinosaur with an extensive vocabulary? A thesaurus.

I’m reading a book about anti-gravity. I can’t put it down.

Marriage is not a word; it is a sentence.

Shin: a device for finding furniture in the dark.

It’s not hard to meet expenses, they’re everywhere.

“Then he ran into my knife. He ran into my knife ten times.” – Chicago

I can resist everything except temptation.

A day without sun shine is like, you know, night.

Originality is the fine art of remembering what you hear, but forgetting where you heard it.

We have two ends. One for sitting and one for thinking. Our success depends on which one we use most.

Man who run behind car get exhausted.

My husband says I never listen to him (at least I think that’s what he said)

Five out of four people have trouble with fractions.

You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They left a little note on the windscreen, it said ‘Parking Fine.’

Eagles may soar, but weasels don’t get sucked into jet engines.

I think, therefore I am single.

Connection Reset - Insufficient Electrons

Being single is like a vacuum. It sucks when you are turned on.

The truth is a precious commodity. That’s why I use it so sparingly.

I plead contemporary insanity.

Get even – live long enough to be a problem to your kids.

Authority makes some people grow – and others just swell.

The trouble with life is there’s no background music.

Quantum mechanics: The dreams stuff is made of.

You’ll never get to heaven if you’re scared of getting high.

At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be “What is hell?” Come early and listen to our choir practice.

Roses are red, Violets are blue. In Soviet Russia, Poems write you.

To err is human – and to blame it on a computer is even more so.

If it’s true that we are here to help others, then what exactly are the others here for?

Maybe I’m lucky to be going so slowly, because I may be going in the wrong direction.

A bachelor is a man who comes to work from a different direction each morning.

Humour. It is a difficult concept. It is not logical.

If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?

The dumber people think you are, the more surprised they’re going to be when you kill them—Rodney Dangerfield

England has no kidney bank, but it does have a Liverpool.

I have great faith in fools; my friends call it self-confidence.

I’m not into working out. My philosophy: No pain, no pain.

Snowmen fall from Heaven unassembled.

“Reading computer manuals without the hardware is as frustrating as reading sex manuals without the software.” — Arthur C. Clarke.

Why is it called tourist season if we can’t shoot at them?

A study in the Washington Post says that women have better verbal skills than men. I just want to say to the authors of that study: “Duh.”— Conan O’Brien

Outside of a dog, a book is probably man’s best friend, and inside of a dog, it’s too dark to read.

e=mc^2 where m = the number of cooks required to spoil the broth

Hang in there; retirement is only thirty years away.

“How can a president not be an actor?” – when asked “How could an actor become president?” – Ronald Reagan

The art of flying is to throw yourself at the ground and miss.

A printer consists of three main parts: the case, the jammed paper tray and the blinking red light

“Managing senior programmers is like herding cats” — Dave Platt.

He does the work of three men: Larry, Moe and Curly.

No problem is so big and complicated that it can’t be ran away from.

A synonym is a word you use when you can’t spell the word you first thought of.

The early bird gets the worm, but the early worm gets eaten.

Under capitalism, man exploits man. Under Communism, it’s just the opposite.

Slow is when someone laps you in the hundred-yard dash

I used up all my sick days, so I’m calling in dead.

Velcro — what a rip off!

It’s not true that married men live longer than single men. It only seems longer.

We Quit Voting Will They All Go Away?

I like kids, but I don’t think I could eat a whole one.

Stupidity is not a handicap. Park elsewhere!

To B or not to B? *kills the B* I HATE BEES!!!! – LynxofCP

What if there were no hypothetical questions?

I like to start my periods with sentences.

How do I set a laser printer to stun?

What Has Four Legs And An Arm? A Happy Pit Bull.

Horn broken. Watch for finger. (on bumper sticker)

Everybody is ignorant, only on different subjects.

I can please only one person per day. Today is not your day. Tomorrow isn’t looking good either.

For Sale: Parachute. Only used once, never opened, small stain.

Latest survey shows that 3 out of 4 people make up 75% of the world’s population.

Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.

People can be divided into three groups: Those who make things happen, those who watch things happen, and those who wonder what happened.

Women like silent men. They think they’re listening.

When I was young, I could remember anything. Whether it happened or not.

Streakers beware: Your end is in sight.

Isn’t having a smoking section in a restaurant like having a peeing section in a swimming pool?

“Always in motion the future is. Seasick it makes me. That’s why so green I am”. – Yoda

Blessed are the young, for they shall inherit the national debt.

If you can’t convince them, confuse them.

Comedy is tragedy plus time.

“I could tell that my parents hated me. My bath toys were a toaster and a radio” — Rodney Dangerfield

The world is full of willing people; some willing to work, the rest willing to let them.

If a President doesn’t do it to his wife, he’ll do it to his country.

Murphy’s Golden Rule: Whoever has the gold makes the rules.

Quantum: Noun, word used to sound like I know what I’m talking about while discussing physics I’ve never actually studied.

Vote for the man who promises least; he’ll be the least disappointing.

“Inconceivable!” “I do not think that word means what you think it means.”

“You, you and you: panic. The rest of you, come with me.”

My mind works like lightning. One brilliant flash and it is gone.

“Life is a waste of time, time is a waste of life, so get wasted all of the time and have the time of your life”. — Tom Waits

I used to be a Kleptomaniac, But now I’m taking something for it

Just remember... if the world didn’t suck, we’d all fall off.

Two signs from a Majorcan shop entrance: English well speaking / Here speeching American.

It is not my interest to pay the principal, nor my principal to pay the interest.

Youth would be an ideal state if it came a little later in life.

“I believe in equality for everyone, except reporters and photographers”. — Gandhi

Always do sober what you said you’d do drunk. That will teach you to keep your mouth shut.

If at first you don’t succeed, destroy all the evidence that you tried.

Men’s faults are many, women have only two. Everything they say, and everything they do.

If Bill Gates had a nickel for every time Windows crashed... oh wait, he does.

I changed my iPod’s name to Titanic. It’s syncing now.

I tried sniffing Coke once, but the ice cubes got stuck in my nose.

What’s the definition of a will? (It’s a dead giveaway).

Tip the world over on its side and everything loose will land in Los Angeles.

Remember the teakettle; though up to its neck in hot water, it continues to sing.

A conclusion is simply the place where you got tired of thinking.

Be nice to your kids. They’ll choose your nursing home.

If you can’t dazzle them with brilliance... just baffle them with bullsh*t.

If at first you don’t succeed, try management.

IRS: We’ve got what it takes to take what you’ve got.

You look like a million dollars. All green and wrinkled.

If ever I get married again it would have to be under an anaesthetic.

If everything is coming your way, you are probably in the wrong lane.

Democracy is the recurrent suspicion that more than half of the people are right more than half of the time.

Don’t be irreplaceable; if you cannot be replaced, you cannot be promoted.

“Thinking is the hardest work there is, which is probably why so few engage in it”. — Henry Ford

“Blink your eyelids periodically to lubricate your eyes.” — Page 16 of the HP “Environmental, Health Safety Handbook for Employees”.

If you want a committed man, look in a mental hospital.

Restarting System - Mouse Moved

“Few things are harder to put up with than a good example.”—Mark Twain

Bachelors have consciences, married men have wives.

Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?

If puns were outlawed, only outlaws would have puns.

This comment is printed on 100% recycled electrons.

I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.

This guy walks into a bar and the barman says “Ouch, that must have hurt”

Red Tape Holds Up New Bridge!

There are two types of people in this world, good and bad. The good sleep better, but the bad seem to enjoy the waking hours much more.

Lord, if you won’t make me skinny, please make all my friends fat.

Accept that some days you’re the pigeon, and some days you’re the statue.

What happens if you get scared half to death twice?

Nobody can be exactly like me. Even I have trouble doing it.

He often broke into song because he couldn’t find the key.

I heard a man say that brigands demand your money or your life, whereas women require both.

“War does not determine who is right - only who is left.” – Bertrand Russell

If a job is worth doing well get someone else to do it.

The trouble with the rat race is that even if you win, you’re still a rat.

Partying... oops No Only Parting... sorry

“Einstein argued that there must be simplified explanations of nature, because God is not capricious or arbitrary. No such faith comforts the software engineer.” — Fred Brooks.

I stayed up all night to see where the sun went. Then it dawned on me.

Technology is a way of organizing the universe so that man doesn’t have to experience it.

I intend to live forever – so far, so good.

You have to stay in shape. My grandmother, she started walking five miles a day when she was 60. She’s 97 today and we don’t know where the hell she is.

“Auntie Em: hate you, hate Kansas, taking the dog.” – Dorothy

Despite the cost of living it’s still very popular.

I have a simple philosophy. Fill what’s empty. Empty what’s full. Scratch where it itches.

What hair color do they put on the driver’s licenses of bald men?

Why were the Indians here first? They had reservations.

Broken pencils are pointless.

It is a small world, but I wouldn’t like to have to paint it.

Where there’s a will, I want to be in it.

The human brain is a wonderful thing. It starts working the moment you are born, and never stops until you stand up to speak in public.

A great many people think they are thinking when they are merely rearranging their prejudices.

On the keyboard of life, always keep one finger on the escape key.

Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?

A conscience does not prevent sin. It only prevents you from enjoying it.

I spent most of my money on booze, drugs and women... The rest I wasted!

We’ve made great medical progress in the last generation. What used to be merely an itch is now an allergy.

If you try and don’t succeed, cheat. Repeat until caught. Then lie.

“I have left orders to be awakened at any time in case of national emergency – even if I’m in a Cabinet meeting.” – Ronald Reagan

Everyone hates me because I’m paranoid.

Compromise: the art of dividing a cake so that everybody believes he or she got the biggest piece.

I have the body of a GOD – Buddha.

Anyone who told you to be yourself couldn’t have given you worse advice.

I love deadlines. I especially like the whooshing sound they make as they go flying by.

Eat a live toad first thing in the morning, and nothing worse can happen to you the rest of the day.

The most powerful force in the universe is gossip.

The dictionary is the only place where success comes before work.

Promises are like babies: fun to make, but hell to deliver.

A team effort is a lot of people doing what I say

Before you give a colleague a piece of your mind, be sure you can spare it.

How can you come out of a closet if you never went in there in the first place?

“If women didn’t exist, all the money in the world would have no meaning.” – Aristotle Onassis

“The object of war is not to die for your country but to make the other bastard die for his.” – General George Patton

“There are two major products that come out of Berkeley: LSD and UNIX. We don’t believe this to be a coincidence.” — Jeremy S. Anderson

The best computer is a man, and it’s the only one that can be mass-produced by unskilled labour.

Make three correct guesses consecutively and you will establish yourself as an expert.

When your IQ reaches 80 –– sell.

It is well to remember the entire population of the universe, with one trifling exception, is composed of others.

When angry count four, when very angry, swear.

There are three ways to get something done: do it yourself, hire someone, or forbid your kids to do it.

Even crime wouldn’t pay if the government ran it.

Modesty is a virtue of fools.

Alcohol: the cause of, and solution to, all of life’s problems.

Procrastinate Now!

Sometimes I think the surest sign that intelligent life exists elsewhere in the universe is that none of it has tried to contact us.

Even paranoids have real enemies.

Progress was all right. Only it went on too long.

“I worked in a pet shop and people kept asking how big I’d get” — Rodney Dangerfield

In the office of a Roman doctor: Specialist in women and other diseases.

Marriage is a three-ring circus: engagement ring, wedding ring, and suffering.

If at first you do succeed, try to hide your astonishment.

Man who drive like hell bound to get there.

Mines are equal opportunity weapons.

If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?

I think that’s how Chicago got started. A bunch of people in New York said, “Gee, I’m enjoying the crime and the poverty, but it just isn’t cold enough. Let’s go west.”—Richard Jeni

An army of deer led by a lion is more to be feared than an army of lions led by a deer.

Time sneaks up on you like a windshield on a bug.

Heck is where people go who don’t believe in gosh.

Friends may come and go, but enemies accumulate

How do you get an Irishman to burn his ear? Ring him up while he is ironing.

Any task worth doing was worth doing yesterday.

Laugh at your problems; everybody else does.

My girlfriend told me I should be more affectionate. So I got two more girlfriends.

A hangover is the wrath of grapes.

I don’t like people who take drugs... Customs Officers for example.

Chaos, panic, & disorder – my work here is done.

Age is an issue of mind over matter. If you don’t mind, it doesn’t matter.

Anything not nailed down is mine. Anything I can pry loose is not nailed down.

Seen it all, done it all, can’t remember most of it.

I don’t believe in astrology. I am a Sagittarius and we’re very skeptical. ~ Arthur C. Clarke

When you come to a fork in the road, take it.

I know a guy who is addicted to brake fluid. He says he can stop anytime.

Early to rise, early to bed, makes a man healthy but socially dead.

We must believe in free will, we have no choice.

Support bacteria – they’re the only culture some people have.

Moderation in all things, including moderation.

One martini is all right, two is too many, and three is not enough.

Why is the man that invests your money called a broker?

Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7th of your life.

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Everybody is ignorant, only on different subjects.

Character is what you are in the dark.

When life hands you a lemon, make lemonade.

Sheep don’t fly so much as plummet.

“This ‘telephone’ has too many shortcomings to be seriously considered as a means of communication.” — Western Union internal memo, 1876.

Youth is a wonderful thing. What a crime to waste it on children.

How did Moses make his tea? Hebrews it.

I love work; it fascinates me; I can sit and watch it for hours.

Knowledge is the key, but where is the damn lock?

Honk if you love peace and quiet.

Wine divulges truth.

If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?

If I were two-faced, would I be wearing this one?

It is not what a teenager knows that bothers his parents. It is how he found out.

Lots of people know a good thing the minute the other fellow sees it first.

One good thing about repeating your mistakes is that you know when to cringe.

Age is a question of mind over matter. If you don’t mind, it don’t matter.

Not all men are annoying. Some are dead.

I’m an idealist: I don’t know where I’m going, but I’m on my way.

Gossip: The art of saying nothing while leaving nothing unsaid.

“C++ : Where friends have access to your private members.” — Gavin Russell Baker.

A bird does not sing because it has an answer—it sings because it has a song.

Energizer Bunny arrested: Charged with battery.

In the beginning, there was nothing. Then God said, “Let there be light,” and there was still nothing, but you could see it.

Borrow money from pessimists- they don’t expect to get it back.

Time is a great teacher, but unfortunately it kills all its pupils.

All those who believe in psycho kinesis raise my hand.

Once, during prohibition, I was forced to live for days on nothing but food and water.

Statistics are like bikinis – What they reveal is suggestive, but what they conceal is vital.

At the age of six I wanted to be a cook. At seven I wanted to be Napoleon. And my ambition has been growing steadily ever since.

A bird in the hand is safer than one overhead.

In elementary school, in case of fire, you have to line up quietly in a single file line from smallest to tallest. What is the logic? Do tall people burn slower?

“I’d rather have a bottle in front of me, than a frontal lobotomy”. — Tom Waits

Age is a very high price to pay for maturity.

Impotence: Nature’s Way Of Saying “No Hard Feelings”.

The only reason some people get lost in thought is because it’s unfamiliar territory.

If the French were really intelligent, they’d speak English.

I’ve been trying for some time to develop a life style that doesn’t require my presence.

When Chemists die, they barium.

When in doubt, mumble.

Just because you’re not paranoid doesn’t mean they’re not out to get you.

If vegetable oil comes from vegetables, where does baby oil come from?

Plato is dead, Einstein is dead, and I’m not feeling too good myself...

Don’t use a big word where a diminutive one will suffice.

I don’t have an attitude problem. You have a perception problem.

Last night I lay in bed looking up at the stars in the sky and I thought to myself, “Where the heck is the ceiling?”

It doesn’t matter what temperature the room is; it’s always room temperature.

Everybody lies, but it doesn’t matter since nobody listens.

Somewhere on this globe, every ten seconds, is a woman giving birth to a child. She must be found and stopped.

Early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.

The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.

History will be kind to me for I intend to write it. – Winston Churchill

An egotist has one point in his favour – he doesn’t go round talking about other people.

My schoolmates would make love to anything that moved, but I never saw any reason to limit myself.

Two strings walk into a bar. The first string says to the bartender, “Bartender, I’ll have a beer. u.5n$x5t?*&4ru!2[sACCErJ”. The second string says, “Pardon my friend, he isn’t NULL terminated”.

People who think they know everything are annoying to those of us who do.

I don’t meet competition. I crush it

Hypochondria is the only disease I haven’t got.

Well if this is the wrong number, why did you answer it?

Of course, we are all worms—but I like to think, at least, that I am a glow-worm. – Winston Churchill

There are 3 kinds of people: those who can count and those who can’t.

The light at the end of the tunnel has been turned off due to budget cuts.

Remember, half the people you know are below average.

It is wiser to find out than to suppose.—Mark Twain

If all you have is a hammer, everything looks like a nail.

I’m quite easy to get along with, once you learn to beckon at my every call and yield to all my desires.

The doctor can bury his mistakes but an architect can only advise his client to plant vines.

“Heavier-than-air flying machines are impossible.” — Lord Kelvin, president, Royal Society, 1895.

Outside a Hong Kong tailor shop: Ladies may have a fit upstairs.

Hard work never killed anybody but why take the chance?

The only difference between Genius and Insanity... is success.

Most vegetarians look so much like the food they eat that they can be classified as cannibals.

It’s easy to quit smoking... I’ve done it over 10,000 times.

You can always spot a well-informed man – his views are the same as yours.

Those who can laugh without cause have either found the true meaning of happiness or have gone stark raving mad.

A baby sitter is a teenager acting like an adult while the adults are out acting like teenagers.

An Irish man was driving to the airport when he saw a sign saying ‘Airport – Left’... So he went home.

Remember... Marriage is the number one cause of divorce. Statistically, 100% of all divorces started with marriage.

If you’re born again, do you have two bellybuttons?

Years ago fairy tales began with “Once upon a time...” Now it’s “If I am elected...”

Plan to be spontaneous tomorrow.

My reality check just bounced.

Madness takes its toll. Please have exact change.

The chance of a piece of bread falling with the buttered side down is directly proportional to the cost of the carpet.

Who is General Failure and why is he reading my hard disk?

“When in doubt tell the truth.”—Mark Twain

Errors have been made. Others will be blamed.

Ever stop to think and forget to start again?

Don’t Be Sexist – Broads Hate That.

Anywhere is walking distance, if you’ve got the time.

Whenever there is any doubt, there is no doubt.

I don’t enjoy computer jokes; not one bit.

This mind intentionally left blank

Blessed are those who can laugh at themselves, they will never cease to be amused.

“#define QUESTION ((bb) || !(bb))” — Shakespeare

I don’t necessarily agree with everything I say.

On the plus side, death is one of the few things that can be done just as easily as lying down.

Instead of getting married again, I’m going to find a woman I don’t like and just give her a house.—Rod Stewart

AIBOHPHOBIA – the fear of palindromes.

Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

“There is no reason anyone would want a computer in their home.” — Ken Olson, founder of Digital Equipment Corp., 1977.

He who trains his tongue to quote the learned sages, will be known far and wide as a smart ass.

A drop of ink may make a million think.

If someone with multiple personalities threatens suicide... is it considered a hostage situation?

“Every mighty oak was once just a nut who stood his ground.”

Anger is only one letter away from danger.

He’s so lazy. I’ve seen him step into a revolving door and wait.

Is Disney World the only people trap operated by a mouse?

There’s a fine line between genius and insanity. I have erased this line.

All my life, I always wanted to be somebody. Now I see that I should have been more specific.

Cab drivers are living proof that practice does not make perfect.

My one regret in life is that I am not someone else.

If you think nobody cares if you’re alive, try missing a couple of car payments.

Hope sees the invisible, feels the intangible and achieves the impossible.

Anything that can become tangled around something else, will.

Marriage changes passion... suddenly you’re in bed with a relative.

“Oh dear,” said God, “I hadn’t thought of that,” and promptly vanished in a puff of logic.

If life was fair, Elvis would be alive and all the impersonators would be dead.

A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a train stops. On my desk I have a workstation...

As long as there are tests, there will be prayer in public schools.

My husband and I divorced over religious differences... He thought he was God and I didn’t.

Good judgement comes from experience. Experience comes from bad judgement.

After all is said and done, more is said than done.

“If builders built buildings the way programmers write programs, then the first woodpecker that came along would destroy civilization” — Weinberg’s Second Law.

The sooner you fall behind the more time you’ll have to catch up.

I started out with nothing, and I still have most of it.

Acupuncture is a jab well done.

Sheep don’t fly so much as plummet.

Make sure your mind isn’t so open that your brains fall out.

“As a matter of fact” is an expression that precedes many an expression that isn’t.

Tips for Vegetarians: Hit a chicken enough times and it turns into a vegetable.

I love being married. It’s so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.

If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?

I always wanted to be somebody, but I should have been more specific.

Some people are alive only because it’s illegal to kill them.

I’m sorry; you cannot have an outlook on life because it isn’t responding. Microsoft apologises for any inconvenience.

“You can always count on Americans to do the right thing—after they’ve tried everything else” – Winston Churchill

“He has been given a large brain by mistake, since for him the spinal cord would fully suffice.” — Albert Einstein

If we learn by our mistakes, some of us are getting one hell of an education!

Honesty is the best policy, but insanity is a better defence.

“I am not worried about the deficit. It is big enough to take care of itself.” – Ronald Reagan

Laugh and the world laughs with you; snore and you sleep alone.

You’re such an inspiration for the way I’ll never choose to be.

Money is flat and meant to be piled up. – Scottish Proverb

Hemp is a herb. Bush is a dope.

I take everything I can for my kleptomania.

You’re not drunk if you can lie on the floor without holding on.

If you can’t convince them, confuse them.

Santa’s helpers are subordinate clauses.

A dog that attends a flea circus most likely will steal the whole show.

I work hard because millions on welfare depend on me.

Well, if I called the wrong number, why did you answer the phone?

Haunted French pancakes give me the crêpes.

When all other means of communication fail, try words.

I don’t have a solution but I admire the problem.

I have spent my whole life looking for the perfect woman, and now I’ve found her. Too bad she’s looking for the perfect man.

If olive oil comes from olives, where does baby oil come from?

Cheer up, the worst is yet to come.

“Things are more like they are now than they ever were before.” – Former U.S. President Dwight D. Eisenhower

People with narrow minds usually have broad tongues.

I used to find him boring until I stopped listening.

If you do not make dust, you eat dust.

Genius is 1% inspiration, and 99% perspiration.

Confidence is the feeling you have before you understand the situation

They say if you play a Microsoft CD backwards you hear satanic messages. That’s nothing, if you play it forwards it installs Windows.

Mind like a steel trap – rusty and illegal in most states.

If a man opens a car door for a woman, either the car is new or the woman.

Ours is a world where people don’t know what they want and are willing to go through hell to get it.

Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.

To define recursion, we must first define recursion.

“The generation of random numbers is too important to be left to chance.” — Robert R. Coveyou, Oak Ridge National Laboratory.

Smith & Wesson — the original point and click interface.

I am a nobody, nobody is perfect, therefore I’m perfect.

Jokes about German sausage are the wurst.

It’s strange, isn’t it. You stand in the middle of a library and go aaaaagghhhh’ and everyone just stares at you. But you do the same thing on an aeroplane, and everyone joins in.

Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian any more than going to the garage makes you a car.

When I’m not in my right mind, my left mind gets pretty crowded

The only perfect science is hindsight.

I’m not afraid of heights, only widths.

Jokes about German sausage are the wurst.

Confidence is the feeling you have before you understand the situation.

I was at a bar nursing a beer. My nipple was getting quite soggy.

I hope that after I die, people will say of me: “That guy sure owed me a lot of money.”

The second day of a diet is alway easier than the first. By the second day, you’re off it.

Better to remain silent and be thought a fool, than to speak and remove all doubt.

Just because your head is the biggest doesn’t mean it contains the right ideas.

Macho Law prohibits me from admitting I’m wrong.

Men have a much better time of it than women; for one thing, they marry later; for another thing they die earlier.

Plagiarism saves time.

If the human brain were so simple that we could understand it, we would be so simple we couldn’t.

Being a philosopher, I have a problem for every solution.

“This report, by its very length, defends itself against the risk of being read”. — Winston Churchill

In a Budapest zoo: Please do not feed the animals. If you have any suitable food, give it to the guard on duty.

One good turn gets most of the blankets.

“My computer NEVER loc

This girl said she recognized me from the vegetarian club, but I’d never met herbivore

When he first ran for office, he appealed to the voters: “I never stole anything in my life. All I ask is a chance.”

I wondered why the baseball was getting bigger. Then it hit me.

Everybody has a photographic memory. Some don’t have film.

Everyone needs belief in something. I believe I’ll have another beer.

I’m an apathetic sociopath – I’d kill you if I cared.

If you’re not wasted, the day is.

The more time you spend in reporting on what you are doing, the less time you have to do it in. Stability is achieved when you spend all your time doing nothing but reporting on the nothing you are doing.

I’m in no shape to exercise.

Military intelligence is a contradiction in terms.

The fellow who thinks he knows it all is especially annoying to those of us who do.

Don’t talk unless you can improve the silence.

Men are from earth. Women are from earth. Deal with it.

If con is the opposite of pro, congress is the opposite of progress.

Lead us not into temptation. Just tell us where it is; we’ll find it.

The number of people watching you is directly proportional to the stupidity of your action.

I don’t suffer from stress. I’m a carrier.

Be thankful for problems. If they were less difficult, someone with less ability might have your job.

99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.

There are very few personal problems that cannot be solved through a suitable application of high explosives.

Booze is the answer. I don’t remember the question.

Never argue with an idiot. They drag you down to their level then beat you with experience.

The man who fell into an upholstery machine is fully recovered.

It’s just a job. Grass grows, birds fly, waves pound the sand. I just beat people up. – Muhammad Ali

Brilliant, but with the social skills of a thermonuclear device.

Why is the third hand on the watch called a second hand?

Anything’s possible... apart from skiing through a revolving door.

Always remember you’re unique, just like everyone else.

I majored in liberal arts. Will that be for here or to go?

I installed a skylight in my apartment. The people who live above me are furious.

Raising teenagers is like trying to nail Jell-O to a tree.

Jack and Jill did it for the insurance.

Venison for dinner again? Oh deer!

“My wife made me join a bridge club. I jump off next Tuesday” — Rodney Dangerfield

Succeed in spite of management. Aim Low; Reach Your Goals, Avoid Disappointment.

Advertisement for donkey rides in Thailand: Would you like to ride on your own ass?

TEAMWORK... means never having to take all the blame yourself.

As a final incentive before giving up a difficult task, try to imagine it successfully accomplished by someone you violently dislike.

“A girl phoned me the other day and said... Come on over, there’s nobody home. I went over. Nobody was home” — Rodney Dangerfield

If you can’t be kind, at least have the decency to be vague.

On the other hand you have different fingers.

Man who eat many prunes get good run for money.

An Apple a day keeps the doctor away. But... an onion a day keeps everyone away.

If sex is such a natural phenomenon, how come there are so many books on how to do it.

Any ship can be a minesweeper... once.

What do you call a dinosaur with an extensive vocabulary? A thesaurus.

I’ve always wanted to be normal, but lately I’ve come to suspect that this is it.

God must love stupid people, he made so many.

I get enough exercise just pushing my luck.

Prediction is extremely difficult. Especially about the future.

Next time you wave, use all your fingers.

I don’t approve of political jokes... I’ve seen too many of them get elected.

Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.

My life has a superb cast but I can’t figure out the plot.

Doctor, Doctor I keep getting pains in the eye when I drink coffee. Have you tried taking the spoon out?

Success always occurs in private, and failure in full public view.

When in trouble, fear or doubt, run in circles, scream and shout.

Work expands to fill the time available. — PARKINSON’S LAW

From the moment I picked your book up until I laid it down I was convulsed with laughter. Some day I intend reading it.

If trees could scream, would we be so cavalier about cutting them down? We might, if they screamed all the time, for no good reason.

A person who smiles in the face of adversity... probably has a scapegoat.

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Never buy a car you can’t push.

The shortest distance between two points is under construction.

Abel Tasman on discovering Tasmania, “Too far south for spices and too close to the rim of the earth to be inhabited by anything but freaks and monsters”

Go the extra mile. It makes your boss look like an incompetent slacker.

PMS jokes aren’t funny. Period.

When you are arguing with an idiot, make sure the other person isn’t doing the same thing.

They say you only use ten percent of your brain. What about the other ten?

Every morning is the dawn of a new error.

Needing someone is like needing a parachute. If he isn’t there the first time you need him, chances are you won’t be needing him again.

How do you know if a fish is Irish? It has drowned.

“You have to be careful about being too careful” – Beryl Pfizer

A procrastinator’s work is never done.

There is no such thing as an underestimate of average intelligence

Fundamentalism: Believe in a kind, loving God or we’ll kill you!

Life... I don’t get it...

Cheerfulness is contagious, but don’t wait to catch it from others. Be a carrier.

What’s another word for Thesaurus?

How Many Roads Must A Man Travel Down Before He Admits He Is Lost?

I used to think I was indecisive, but now I’m not sure.

Everybody is somebody else’s weirdo.

When I was a boy I was told that anybody could become president; I’m beginning to believe it.

Someone sent me a postcard picture of the earth. On the back it said, “Wish you were here.”

You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say will be misquoted then used against you.

A dyslexic man walks into a bra.

Chipped dishes never break.

Eagles may soar, but weasels don’t get sucked into jet engines.

Work: It isn’t just for sleeping anymore.

Englishmen never will be slaves: they are free to do whatever the Government and public opinion allow them to do.

Caution – Driver Legally Blonde!

The secret of success is sincerity. Once you can fake that you’ve got it made.

I got a job at a bakery because I kneaded dough.

My favorite mythical creature? The honest politician.

Optimists believe we live on the greatest world. Pessimists believe this is true.

Constipated People Don’t Give A Crap.

“The web is a dominatrix. Every where I turn, I see little buttons ordering me to Submit.” — Nytwind.

I have gone to look for myself, if I should return before I get back, keep me here.

It is said that if you line up all the cars in the world end to end, someone would be stupid enough to try and pass them.

I Refuse To Have A Battle Of Wits With An Unarmed Person.

In a Tokyo shop: Our nylons cost more than common, but you’ll find they are best in the long run.

Sometimes I wake up grumpy; other times I let her sleep

I like children. Properly cooked.

An egotist is a person of low taste—more interested in himself than in me.

Man shoots neighbour with machete [The Miami Herald, July 3]

Without question, the greatest invention in the history of mankind is beer. Oh, I grant you that the wheel was also a fine invention, but the wheel does not go nearly as well with pizza.

The trouble with jogging is that, by the time you realise you’re not in shape for it, it’s far too far to walk back.

I wonder how much deeper would the ocean be without sponges.

I don’t suffer from stress. I’m a carrier.

If you don’t know why I’m mad at you, then I’m certainly not going to tell you

“I would like to live in Manchester, England. The transition between Manchester and death would be unnoticeable”. — Mark Twain

I’d like to see things your way, but I’m looking in another direction.

Everything is possible; just not too probable.

If you don’t know where you are going, you might wind up someplace else.


A cartoonist was found dead in his home. Details are sketchy.

If you don’t pay your exorcist you get repossessed.

My parents stayed together for forty years, but that was out of spite.

Am I getting smart with you? How would you know?

Solitude is fine, but you need someone to tell you that solitude is fine.

Killed - Personality Incompatibility

Conscience is the inner voice warning us that someone may be looking.

Some pain is physical, and some is mental, but one that’s both is dental.

Where you stand depends on where you sit.

Everything you like is bad for you in some way.

I am amazed at radio DJ’s today. I am firmly convinced that AM on my radio stands for Absolute Moron. I will not begin to tell you what FM stands for.

They told me I had type A blood, but it was a Type O

He who laughs last thinks slowest.

Experience is something you do not get until just after you need it.

In democracy it’s your vote that counts. In feudalism it’s your count that votes.

Perhaps you’re diagonally parked in a parallel universe?

There’s a difference between being open-minded and having a hole in your head

There’s a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot.

“They say hard work never hurt anybody, but I figure why take the chance.” – Ronald Reagan

“People who drink light beer don’t like the taste of beer; they just like to pee a lot” — Rodney Dangerfield

Democracy is a process by which people are free to choose the man who will get the blame.

What does a clock do when it’s hungry? It goes back four seconds.

I couldn’t repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.

You can say any foolish thing to a dog, and the dog will give you a look that says, “My God, you’re right! I never would’ve thought of that!”

Living is not worth dying for.

Some people say that I must be a horrible person, but that’s not true. I have the heart of a young boy – in a jar on my desk.

Save the whales. Collect the whole set.

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