Amusing Quotes & One-Liners — Ned Martin’s Amused

Amusing Quotes & One-Liners

I used to be apathetic, but now I don’t give a damn.

He who smiles in a crisis has found someone to blame.

I fear my inferiority complex is not as good as yours.

Heck is where people go who don’t believe in gosh.

I think, therefore I am single.

How can you come out of a closet if you never went in there in the first place?

Compromise: the art of dividing a cake so that everybody believes he or she got the biggest piece.

An army of deer led by a lion is more to be feared than an army of lions led by a deer.

It is a small world, but I wouldn’t like to have to paint it.

No problem is so big and complicated that it can’t be ran away from.

Honesty is the best policy, but insanity is a better defence.

If you can’t convince them, confuse them.

Time is a great teacher, but unfortunately it kills all its pupils.

What do you call a dinosaur with an extensive vocabulary? A thesaurus.

I’m quite easy to get along with, once you learn to beckon at my every call and yield to all my desires.

Save the whales. Collect the whole set.

I am not a vegetarian because I love animals; I am a vegetarian because I hate plants.

It is a fitting irony that under Richard Nixon, ‘launder’ became a dirty word.

Humour. It is a difficult concept. It is not logical.

Impotence: Nature’s Way Of Saying “No Hard Feelings”.

I married Miss Right. I just didn’t know her first name was Always.

You can say any foolish thing to a dog, and the dog will give you a look that says, “My God, you’re right! I never would’ve thought of that!”

I plead contemporary insanity.

Everything you like is bad for you in some way.

“They say hard work never hurt anybody, but I figure why take the chance.” – Ronald Reagan

Latest survey shows that 3 out of 4 people make up 75% of the world’s population.

The scientific theory I like best is that the rings of Saturn are composed entirely of lost airline luggage.

Democracy is a process by which people are free to choose the man who will get the blame.

Ours is a world where people don’t know what they want and are willing to go through hell to get it.

The truth is a precious commodity. That’s why I use it so sparingly.

Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?

Mental Floss prevents Moral Decay.

Laughing stock: cattle with a sense of humour.

He who trains his tongue to quote the learned sages, will be known far and wide as a smart ass.

Perhaps you’re diagonally parked in a parallel universe?

“Your mouse has moved. Windows must be restarted for the change to take effect. Reboot now ? [OK]”

If I were someone who knew something, who could I tell that would believe me?

All the toilets in New York’s police stations have been stolen. The police have nothing to go on.

PMS jokes aren’t funny. Period.

Acupuncture is a jab well done.

Someday we’ll look back on all this and plow into the back of a parked car.

If a woman has to choose between catching a fly ball and saving an infant’s life, she will choose to save the infant’s life without even considering if there is a man on base.—Dave Barry

Accept that some days you’re the pigeon, and some days you’re the statue.

Bachelors know more about women than married men; if they didn’t they’d be married too.

It’s not hard to meet expenses, they’re everywhere.

It used to be only death and taxes were inevitable. Now, of course, there’s shipping and handling, too.

“Reading computer manuals without the hardware is as frustrating as reading sex manuals without the software.” — Arthur C. Clarke.

What does a clock do when it’s hungry? It goes back four seconds.

All men are equal. Some are just more equal than others.

Plagiarism saves time.

Men are from earth. Women are from earth. Deal with it.

Cheer up, the worst is yet to come.

Everything is possible; just not too probable.

Horn broken. Watch for finger. (on bumper sticker)

I get enough exercise just pushing my luck.

What if there were no hypothetical questions?

Quantum mechanics: The dreams stuff is made of.

Why does Sea World have a seafood restaurant? I’m halfway through my fish burger and I realize, Oh my gosh... I could be eating a slow learner.

If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?

“When in doubt tell the truth.”—Mark Twain

If At First You Don’t Succeed... Blame Someone Else And Seek Counseling.

Laugh at your problems; everybody else does.

Does your train of thought have a caboose?

I live in my own little world, but it’s ok they know me here.

Statistics are like bikinis – What they reveal is suggestive, but what they conceal is vital.

Don’t stop to stomp on ants when the elephants are stampeding.

Solitude is fine, but you need someone to tell you that solitude is fine.

Without question, the greatest invention in the history of mankind is beer. Oh, I grant you that the wheel was also a fine invention, but the wheel does not go nearly as well with pizza.

If I have to work for an idiot, I might as well work for myself.

Restarting System - Mouse Moved

I have the body of a GOD – Buddha.

Someone sent me a postcard picture of the earth. On the back it said, “Wish you were here.”

An egotist has one point in his favour – he doesn’t go round talking about other people.

Despite the cost of living it’s still very popular.

They say if you play a Microsoft CD backwards you hear satanic messages. That’s nothing, if you play it forwards it installs Windows.

I laugh in the face of danger, except if I’m involved.

If it weren’t for electricity we’d all be watching television by candlelight?

Climbers aim for the summit because it is there. Bungi jumpers dive off the top because they aren’t all there.

I didn’t like my beard at first. Then it grew on me.

Cab drivers are living proof that practice does not make perfect.

“If builders built buildings the way programmers write programs, then the first woodpecker that came along would destroy civilization” — Weinberg’s Second Law.

Velcro — what a rip off!

I was the next door kid’s imaginary friend.

Being single is like a vacuum. It sucks when you are turned on.

I Haven’t Lost My Mind, It’s Backed Up On Disk Somewhere.

As a final incentive before giving up a difficult task, try to imagine it successfully accomplished by someone you violently dislike.

If you’re not wasted, the day is.

“I could tell that my parents hated me. My bath toys were a toaster and a radio” — Rodney Dangerfield

If you don’t know where you are going, you might wind up someplace else.

Everybody is ignorant, only on different subjects.

Brilliant, but with the social skills of a thermonuclear device.

What do you call a dinosaur with an extensive vocabulary? A thesaurus.

On the plus side, death is one of the few things that can be done just as easily as lying down.

At the age of six I wanted to be a cook. At seven I wanted to be Napoleon. And my ambition has been growing steadily ever since.

Birthdays are good for you. Statistics show that the people who have the most live the longest.

Money is flat and meant to be piled up. – Scottish Proverb

Confidence is the feeling you have before you understand the situation

I’d explain it to you, but your brain would explode.

Streakers beware: Your end is in sight.

Programmer – A red-eyed, mumbling mammal capable of conversing with inanimate objects.

The most precious thing we have is life. Yet it has absolutely no trade-in value.

If quizzes are quizzical, what are tests?

I can please only one person per day. Today is not your day. Tomorrow isn’t looking good either.

System Error - Windows Loaded

Why is it that to stop Windows, you have to click on “Start”?

A committee is a body that keeps minutes and wastes hours.

Being in the army is like being in the Boy Scouts, except that the Boy Scouts have adult supervision.

Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way when you criticize them, you are a mile away from them and you have their shoes.

Marriage changes passion... suddenly you’re in bed with a relative.

Red Tape Holds Up New Bridge!

TEAMWORK... means never having to take all the blame yourself.

Caution – Driver Legally Blonde!

“You, you and you: panic. The rest of you, come with me.”

The best computer is a man, and it’s the only one that can be mass-produced by unskilled labour.

If you don’t know where you are going, you will wind up somewhere else.

If it’s true that we are here to help others, then what exactly are the others here for?

I used to think I was indecisive, but now I’m not sure.

The shortest distance between two points is under construction.

If ever I get married again it would have to be under an anaesthetic.

In elementary school, in case of fire, you have to line up quietly in a single file line from smallest to tallest. What is the logic? Do tall people burn slower?

I don’t believe in astrology. I am a Sagittarius and we’re very skeptical. ~ Arthur C. Clarke

A pessimist is a man who has been compelled to live with an optimist

Work expands to fill the time available. — PARKINSON’S LAW

A conscience does not prevent sin. It only prevents you from enjoying it.

Love is like an hourglass, with the heart filling up as the brain empties.

99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.

I tried to photograph the fog, but I mist.

I stayed up all night to see where the sun went. Then it dawned on me.

If a President doesn’t do it to his wife, he’ll do it to his country.

I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.

Don’t use a big word where a diminutive one will suffice.

Always do sober what you said you’d do drunk. That will teach you to keep your mouth shut.

I heard a man say that brigands demand your money or your life, whereas women require both.

Blessed are those who can laugh at themselves, they will never cease to be amused.

If you can stay calm, while all around you is chaos... then you probably haven’t completely understood the situation.

Lots of people know a good thing the minute the other fellow sees it first.

When he first ran for office, he appealed to the voters: “I never stole anything in my life. All I ask is a chance.”

If you want a committed man, look in a mental hospital.

Not all men are annoying. Some are dead.

Bigamy is having one wife too many. Monogamy is the same. – Oscar Wilde

Don’t look back. Something may be gaining on you.

“As a matter of fact” is an expression that precedes many an expression that isn’t.

Shin: a device for finding furniture in the dark.

Half our life is spent trying to find something to do with the time we have rushed through life trying to save.

I did a theatrical performance about puns. It was a play on words.

Santa’s helpers are subordinate clauses.

Why is the third hand on the watch called a second hand?

Help Wanted: Telepath. You know where to apply.

I have noticed that the people who are late are often so much jollier that the people who have to wait for them.

When I was young, I could remember anything. Whether it happened or not.

“I have left orders to be awakened at any time in case of national emergency – even if I’m in a Cabinet meeting.” – Ronald Reagan

I changed my iPod’s name to Titanic. It’s syncing now.

I’m out of my mind, but feel free to leave a message.

Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian any more than going to the garage makes you a car.

Legend: a lie that has attained the dignity of age.

Partying... oops No Only Parting... sorry

“This ‘telephone’ has too many shortcomings to be seriously considered as a means of communication.” — Western Union internal memo, 1876.

Next time you wave, use all your fingers.

Some people say that I must be a horrible person, but that’s not true. I have the heart of a young boy – in a jar on my desk.

The light at the end of the tunnel has been turned off due to budget cuts.

Isn’t having a smoking section in a restaurant like having a peeing section in a swimming pool?

When you do not know what you are doing, do it neatly.

I tried sniffing Coke once, but the ice cubes got stuck in my nose.

I had some words with my wife, and she had some paragraphs with me.

Errors have been made. Others will be blamed.

Don’t take life too seriously—you’ll never get out of it alive.

In a Rome laundry: Ladies, leave your clothes here and spend the afternoon having a good time.

“Always in motion the future is. Seasick it makes me. That’s why so green I am”. – Yoda

If you don’t know why I’m mad at you, then I’m certainly not going to tell you

This comment is printed on 100% recycled electrons.

The amount of work to be done increases in proportion to the amount of work already completed. — VAIL’S SECOND AXIOM

Marriage is a three-ring circus: engagement ring, wedding ring, and suffering.

I’m reading a book about anti-gravity. I can’t put it down.

If automobiles had followed the same development cycle as the computer, a Rolls Royce would today cost $100, get a million miles per gallon, and explode once a year, killing everyone inside.

“The object of war is not to die for your country but to make the other bastard die for his.” – General George Patton

Slow is when someone laps you in the hundred-yard dash

In the office of a Roman doctor: Specialist in women and other diseases.

It is well to remember the entire population of the universe, with one trifling exception, is composed of others.

I have a simple philosophy. Fill what’s empty. Empty what’s full. Scratch where it itches.

People who think they know everything are annoying to those of us who do.

If you’re born again, do you have two bellybuttons?

There’s a difference between being open-minded and having a hole in your head

Cheerfulness is contagious, but don’t wait to catch it from others. Be a carrier.

I took a speed reading course and read ‘War and Peace’ in twenty minutes. It involves Russia. Enough women for four.

Tip the world over on its side and everything loose will land in Los Angeles.

Knowledge is the key, but where is the damn lock?

When life hands you a lemon, make lemonade.

Men’s faults are many, women have only two. Everything they say, and everything they do.

“My computer NEVER loc

Just remember... if the world didn’t suck, we’d all fall off.

I arise in the morning torn between a desire to improve the world and a desire to enjoy the world. This makes it hard to plan the day.

When in doubt, mumble.

The chance of a piece of bread falling with the buttered side down is directly proportional to the cost of the carpet.

Most vegetarians look so much like the food they eat that they can be classified as cannibals.

Everyone hates me because I’m paranoid.

“Thinking is the hardest work there is, which is probably why so few engage in it”. — Henry Ford

“The generation of random numbers is too important to be left to chance.” — Robert R. Coveyou, Oak Ridge National Laboratory.

I married my wife for her looks... but not the ones she’s been giving me lately!

You can’t have everything. Where would you put it?

Better to remain silent and be thought a fool, than to speak and remove all doubt.

Some people are alive only because it’s illegal to kill them.

The trouble with the rat race is that even if you win, you’re still a rat.

“I wish everyone was peaceful. Then I could take over the planet with a butter knife”—Dogbert

It is not my interest to pay the principal, nor my principal to pay the interest.

On the other hand you have different fingers.

Be careful when reading health books; you may die of a misprint.

We Quit Voting Will They All Go Away?

I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol.

How did Moses make his tea? Hebrews it.

Arguing on the Internet is like competing in the Special Olympics – even if you win, you are still retarded.

Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.

Everybody lies, but it doesn’t matter since nobody listens.

Love is blind, but marriage is a real eye-opener.

The things that come to those that wait may be the things left by those who got there first.

Don’t talk unless you can improve the silence.

If at first you don’t succeed, skydiving is not your sport.

Remember, half the people you know are below average.

“I am not worried about the deficit. It is big enough to take care of itself.” – Ronald Reagan

“A girl phoned me the other day and said... Come on over, there’s nobody home. I went over. Nobody was home” — Rodney Dangerfield

How do you sink an Irish Submarine? Knock on the hatch.

I work hard because millions on welfare depend on me.

“Oh dear,” said God, “I hadn’t thought of that,” and promptly vanished in a puff of logic.

If sex is such a natural phenomenon, how come there are so many books on how to do it.

The difference between a stepping-stone and a stumbling block can be when you see it.

Smoking cures weight problems...eventually...

“How can a president not be an actor?” – when asked “How could an actor become president?” – Ronald Reagan

Maybe I’m lucky to be going so slowly, because I may be going in the wrong direction.

Experience is simply the name we give our mistakes.

I dropped out of communism class because of lousy Marx.

Every time I look at you I get a fierce desire to be lonesome.

I intend to live forever – so far, so good.

It’s strange, isn’t it. You stand in the middle of a library and go aaaaagghhhh’ and everyone just stares at you. But you do the same thing on an aeroplane, and everyone joins in.

e=mc^2 where m = the number of cooks required to spoil the broth

History will be kind to me for I intend to write it. – Winston Churchill

Warning: Dates in Calendar are closer than they appear.

“Banking establishments are more dangerous than standing armies”. — Thomas Jefferson

Cleverly Disguised As A Responsible Adult.

“There are two major products that come out of Berkeley: LSD and UNIX. We don’t believe this to be a coincidence.” — Jeremy S. Anderson

One of the greatest labour-saving inventions today is tomorrow.

“#define QUESTION ((bb) || !(bb))” — Shakespeare

On the keyboard of life, always keep one finger on the escape key.

I love deadlines. I especially like the whooshing sound they make as they go flying by.

Booze is the answer. I don’t remember the question.

There is no such thing as an underestimate of average intelligence

I’m sorry; you cannot have an outlook on life because it isn’t responding. Microsoft apologises for any inconvenience.

Bacteria: the only culture some people have.

Marriage is not a word; it is a sentence.

The doctor can bury his mistakes but an architect can only advise his client to plant vines.

I Refuse To Have A Battle Of Wits With An Unarmed Person.

The fellow who thinks he knows it all is especially annoying to those of us who do.

Whenever there is any doubt, there is no doubt.

Who is General Failure and why is he reading my hard disk?

I don’t have an attitude problem. You have a perception problem.

Mines are equal opportunity weapons.

Ninety-nine per cent of the people in the world are fools and the rest of us are in great danger of contagion.

Be thankful for problems. If they were less difficult, someone with less ability might have your job.

We’ve made great medical progress in the last generation. What used to be merely an itch is now an allergy.

God must love stupid people, he made so many.

Murphy’s Golden Rule: Whoever has the gold makes the rules.

Man does not live by words alone, despite the fact that sometimes he has to eat them.

Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?

Get even – live long enough to be a problem to your kids.

“Are you going to come quietly, or do I have to use earplugs?”—Vale Spike Milligan

I can resist everything except temptation.

My mind works like lightning. One brilliant flash and it is gone.

I like to start my periods with sentences.

Roses are red, Violets are blue. In Soviet Russia, Poems write you.

Never buy a car you can’t push.

You have to stay in shape. My grandmother, she started walking five miles a day when she was 60. She’s 97 today and we don’t know where the hell she is.

You’re such an inspiration for the way I’ll never choose to be.

I have gone to look for myself, if I should return before I get back, keep me here.

Sex on television can’t hurt you unless you fall off.

If you can’t dazzle them with brilliance... just baffle them with bullsh*t.

I don’t approve of political jokes... I’ve seen too many of them get elected.

I have had more trouble with myself than with any other man I’ve met.

We must believe in free will, we have no choice.

If you’re not confused, you’re not paying attention.

Alcohol: the cause of, and solution to, all of life’s problems.

I have spent my whole life looking for the perfect woman, and now I’ve found her. Too bad she’s looking for the perfect man.

If puns were outlawed, only outlaws would have puns.

There are three ways to get something done: do it yourself, hire someone, or forbid your kids to do it.

Madness takes its toll. Please have exact change.

Even crime wouldn’t pay if the government ran it.

A backwards poet writes inverse.

I majored in liberal arts. Will that be for here or to go?

Half of being smart is knowing what you are dumb at.

How do you know if a fish is Irish? It has drowned.

Last night I lay in bed looking up at the stars in the sky and I thought to myself, “Where the heck is the ceiling?”

I take everything I can for my kleptomania.

Even paranoids have real enemies.

I had amnesia once or twice.

Where there’s a will, I want to be in it.

I’m an idealist: I don’t know where I’m going, but I’m on my way.

“A patriot must always be ready to defend his country against his government”. — Edward Abbey

There are 3 kinds of people: those who can count and those who can’t.

If money talks, it ain’t on speakin’ terms with me.

We spend the first twelve months of our children’s lives teaching them to walk and talk and the next twelve telling them to sit down and shut up.

The earthquake in Washington obviously was the government’s fault.

“I’d rather have a bottle in front of me, than a frontal lobotomy”. — Tom Waits

Man who eat many prunes get good run for money.

We waste time, so you don’t have to.

Two strings walk into a bar. The first string says to the bartender, “Bartender, I’ll have a beer. u.5n$x5t?*&4ru!2[sACCErJ”. The second string says, “Pardon my friend, he isn’t NULL terminated”.

Life is complex: it has real and imaginary parts.

In democracy it’s your vote that counts. In feudalism it’s your count that votes.

There are very few personal problems that cannot be solved through a suitable application of high explosives.

A clean tie attracts the soup of the day.

Time flies like an arrow – fruit flies like a banana.

A bird does not sing because it has an answer—it sings because it has a song.

The more time you spend in reporting on what you are doing, the less time you have to do it in. Stability is achieved when you spend all your time doing nothing but reporting on the nothing you are doing.

Well if this is the wrong number, why did you answer it?

A procrastinator’s work is never done.

A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a train stops. On my desk I have a workstation...

In this world, nothing is certain but death and taxes. – Benjamin Franklin

If you want your spouse to listen and pay strict attention to every word you say, talk in your sleep.

If people concentrated on the really important things in life, there’d be a shortage of fishing poles.

My schoolmates would make love to anything that moved, but I never saw any reason to limit myself.

The beatings will continue until morale improves.

A printer consists of three main parts: the case, the jammed paper tray and the blinking red light

When all other means of communication fail, try words.

You can always spot a well-informed man – his views are the same as yours.

Constipated People Don’t Give A Crap.

Cole’s Law: Thinly sliced cabbage.

Lord, if you won’t make me skinny, please make all my friends fat.

Everybody has a photographic memory. Some don’t have film.

Men have a much better time of it than women; for one thing, they marry later; for another thing they die earlier.

England has no kidney bank, but it does have a Liverpool.

Keyboard not detected. Press F1 to continue

Nick Overruled - Democratic Majority Decision

I used to be a banker, but then I lost interest.

To err is human – and to blame it on a computer is even more so.

When you get a bladder infection, urine trouble.

I either want less corruption, or more chance to participate in it.

A bargain is something you don’t need at a price you can’t resist.

“You start coding. I’ll go find out what they want.” — Computer analyst to programmer

Why is the man that invests your money called a broker?

Friends may come and go, but enemies accumulate

I always wanted to be a procrastinator, never got around to it though.

I am obviously right, and as you disagree with me, then logically you must be wrong.

I am a nobody, nobody is perfect, therefore I’m perfect.

Character is what you are in the dark.

Why do we wash bath towels, aren’t we clean when we use them?

The short fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.

Snowmen fall from Heaven unassembled.

The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.

The only difference between Genius and Insanity... is success.

If you choke a smurf, what colour does it turn?

Why is it that doctors call what they do “practice”?

In the beginning, there was nothing. Then God said, “Let there be light,” and there was still nothing, but you could see it.

The sooner you fall behind the more time you’ll have to catch up.

Work: It isn’t just for sleeping anymore.

There are only three kinds of people; people who can count and people who can’t.

There’s a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot.

If life was fair, Elvis would be alive and all the impersonators would be dead.

The art of flying is to throw yourself at the ground and miss.

The world is full of willing people; some willing to work, the rest willing to let them.

My life has a superb cast but I can’t figure out the plot.

Time’s fun when you’re having flies... Kermit the Frog

Applying computer technology is simply finding the right wrench to pound in the correct screw.

Connection Reset - Insufficient Electrons

Anger is only one letter away from danger.

Sheep don’t fly so much as plummet.

Shin: a device for finding furniture in the dark.

“The web is a dominatrix. Every where I turn, I see little buttons ordering me to Submit.” — Nytwind.

Age always corresponds inversely to the size of your multivitamin.

“This report, by its very length, defends itself against the risk of being read”. — Winston Churchill

No sense being pessimistic, it probably wouldn’t work anyway.

As long as there are tests, there will be prayer in public schools.

I thought I wanted a career, turns out I just wanted paychecks.

“Always be sincere, even when you don’t mean it”. — Irene Peter

Hemp is a herb. Bush is a dope.

Life... I don’t get it...

The illegal we do immediately. The unconstitutional takes a little longer. – Henry Kissinger

If you can’t convince them, confuse them.

Support bacteria – they’re the only culture some people have.

How do you spot an Irishman at a carwash? He’s the one on the bike.

If you do not make dust, you eat dust.

If at first you don’t succeed, try management.

Authority makes some people grow – and others just swell.

A day without sun shine is like, you know, night.

Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.

If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?

One martini is all right, two is too many, and three is not enough.

Doctor, Doctor You’ve got to help me – I just can’t stop my hands shaking. Do you drink a lot? Not really – I spill most of it!

Every morning is the dawn of a new error.

I stayed up all night to see where the sun went. Then it dawned on me.

An egotist is a person of low taste—more interested in himself than in me.

“There is no reason anyone would want a computer in their home.” — Ken Olson, founder of Digital Equipment Corp., 1977.

Nothing means nothing, but it isn’t really nothing because nothing is something that isn’t.

All my life, I always wanted to be somebody. Now I see that I should have been more specific.

Is Disney World the only people trap operated by a mouse?

As the light changed from red to green to yellow and back to red again, I sat there thinking about life. Was it nothing more than a bunch of honking and yelling? Sometimes it seemed that way.

If at first you don’t succeed, try, try again. Then quit. There’s no use being a damned fool about it.

Remember... Marriage is the number one cause of divorce. Statistically, 100% of all divorces started with marriage.

I’d like to see things your way, but I’m looking in another direction.

He’s not dead, he’s electroencephalographically challenged.

I don’t have a solution but I admire the problem.

Haunted French pancakes give me the crêpes.

A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat.

“People who drink light beer don’t like the taste of beer; they just like to pee a lot” — Rodney Dangerfield

Time sneaks up on you like a windshield on a bug.

Gossip: The art of saying nothing while leaving nothing unsaid.

Venison for dinner again? Oh deer!

Show me a piano falling down a mineshaft and I’ll show you A-flat minor.

A dyslexic man walks into a bra.

If you think nobody cares if you’re alive, try missing a couple of car payments.

Before marriage, a man yearns for the woman he loves. After marriage, the ‘Y’ becomes silent.

The dumber people think you are, the more surprised they’re going to be when you kill them—Rodney Dangerfield

My favorite mythical creature? The honest politician.

According to recent study someone is run over by a car every 5 minutes in the city. You’d think the guy would have enough sense to get out of the street.

In a Tokyo shop: Our nylons cost more than common, but you’ll find they are best in the long run.

My husband and I divorced over religious differences... He thought he was God and I didn’t.

I used to be a Kleptomaniac, But now I’m taking something for it

The trouble with jogging is that, by the time you realise you’re not in shape for it, it’s far too far to walk back.

A bird in the hand is safer than one overhead.

I wondered why the baseball was getting bigger. Then it hit me.

“I have never let my schooling interfere with my education.”—Mark Twain

I hate women because they always know where things are.

One good thing about repeating your mistakes is that you know when to cringe.

Stupidity is not a handicap. Park elsewhere!

It is hard to understand how a cemetery raised its burial charges and blamed it on the cost of living.

If at first you don’t succeed, destroy all the evidence that you tried.

I’ve been trying for some time to develop a life style that doesn’t require my presence.

Blessed are the young, for they shall inherit the national debt.

“There are only two things that are infinite: the universe and human stupidity. And I’m not sure about the universe.” A. Einstein

Experience is something you do not get until just after you need it.

It doesn’t matter what temperature the room is; it’s always room temperature.

Wine divulges truth.

Politicians are people who, when they see the light at the end of the tunnel, go out and buy more tunnel.

Everyone needs belief in something. I believe I’ll have another beer.

A penny saved is a Congressional spending oversight.

Years ago fairy tales began with “Once upon a time...” Now it’s “If I am elected...”

He does the work of three men: Larry, Moe and Curly.

“Hey, I’ve got reasons for what I’m doing,” REALLY MEANS, “I sure hope I think of some pretty soon.”

If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?

A hangover is the wrath of grapes.

From the moment I picked your book up until I laid it down I was convulsed with laughter. Some day I intend reading it.

Englishmen never will be slaves: they are free to do whatever the Government and public opinion allow them to do.

“When you starve with a tiger, the tiger starves last”. — Griffin’s Thought

There are two kinds of people, those who finish what they start, and so on.

Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

I’m an apathetic sociopath – I’d kill you if I cared.

The surprising thing about young fools is how many survive to become old fools.

Whenever people agree with me, I always feel I must be wrong.

Hard work never killed anybody but why take the chance?

Never put off until tomorrow what you can avoid altogether.

Bachelors have consciences, married men have wives.

Chipped dishes never break.

I think that’s how Chicago got started. A bunch of people in New York said, “Gee, I’m enjoying the crime and the poverty, but it just isn’t cold enough. Let’s go west.”—Richard Jeni

The most powerful force in the universe is gossip.

Tips for Vegetarians: Hit a chicken enough times and it turns into a vegetable.

A conclusion is simply the place where you got tired of thinking.

Does this smell like chloroform to you?

Eschew obfuscation.

Good judgement comes from experience. Experience comes from bad judgement.

Instead of getting married again, I’m going to find a woman I don’t like and just give her a house.—Rod Stewart

I want to die peacefully in my sleep like my grandfather, not screaming in abject horror like his passengers.

Genius is 1% inspiration, and 99% perspiration.

Anything not nailed down is mine. Anything I can pry loose is not nailed down.

If you try and don’t succeed, cheat. Repeat until caught. Then lie.

If all you have is a hammer, everything looks like a nail.

When angry count four, when very angry, swear.

Always try to be modest and be proud of it!

After all is said and done, more is said than done.

A person who smiles in the face of adversity... probably has a scapegoat.

To define recursion, we must first define recursion.

AIBOHPHOBIA – the fear of palindromes.

Sheep don’t fly so much as plummet.

It is hard enough to remember my opinions, without also remembering my reasons for them!

“How come we choose from just two people to run for president and 50 for Miss America?”

Comedy is tragedy plus time.

Where do you find an Irish woodworm? Dead inside a brick.

I used to find him boring until I stopped listening.

Why is it called tourist season if we can’t shoot at them?

Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

Don’t Be Sexist – Broads Hate That.

Time is God’s way of keeping everything from happening at once.

The secret of success is sincerity. Once you can fake that you’ve got it made.

Outside a Hong Kong tailor shop: Ladies may have a fit upstairs.

If we aren’t supposed to eat animals, why are they made of meat?

“I would like to live in Manchester, England. The transition between Manchester and death would be unnoticeable”. — Mark Twain

Outside of a dog, a book is probably man’s best friend, and inside of a dog, it’s too dark to read.

Nobody can be exactly like me. Even I have trouble doing it.

There’s a fine line between genius and insanity. I have erased this line.

Men don’t care what’s on TV. They only care what else is on TV.

Cluster bombing from B-52s is very, very accurate – the bombs always hit the ground.

When Chemists die, they barium.

Macho Law prohibits me from admitting I’m wrong.

Money is better than poverty, if only for financial reasons.

“Every mighty oak was once just a nut who stood his ground.”

Lead us not into temptation. Just tell us where it is; we’ll find it.

Optimists believe we live on the greatest world. Pessimists believe this is true.

Under capitalism, man exploits man. Under Communism, it’s just the opposite.

Youth would be an ideal state if it came a little later in life.

Be kind to your dentist. He has fillings, too.

Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy.

We have two ends. One for sitting and one for thinking. Our success depends on which one we use most.

Of course, we are all worms—but I like to think, at least, that I am a glow-worm. – Winston Churchill

I’m not afraid of heights, only widths.

I don’t necessarily agree with everything I say.

Take my advice, I don’t use it anyway.

When I was a boy I was told that anybody could become president; I’m beginning to believe it.

It is said that if you line up all the cars in the world end to end, someone would be stupid enough to try and pass them.

He often broke into song because he couldn’t find the key.

Some people are alive only because it’s illegal to kill them.

A drop of ink may make a million think.

What Has Four Legs And An Arm? A Happy Pit Bull.

I was at a bar nursing a beer. My nipple was getting quite soggy.

I used to think I was indecisive, but now I’m not sure.

Just because your head is the biggest doesn’t mean it contains the right ideas.

“Einstein argued that there must be simplified explanations of nature, because God is not capricious or arbitrary. No such faith comforts the software engineer.” — Fred Brooks.

Hope sees the invisible, feels the intangible and achieves the impossible.

Foolproof systems don’t take into account the ingenuity of fools.

Women like silent men. They think they’re listening.

It’s just a job. Grass grows, birds fly, waves pound the sand. I just beat people up. – Muhammad Ali

Abel Tasman on discovering Tasmania, “Too far south for spices and too close to the rim of the earth to be inhabited by anything but freaks and monsters”

Leftists are among the first to speak of their rights.

Am I getting smart with you? How would you know?

To find out a girl’s faults, praise her to her girl friends.

Get a new car for your spouse – it’ll be a great trade!

“I worked in a pet shop and people kept asking how big I’d get” — Rodney Dangerfield

Technology is a way of organizing the universe so that man doesn’t have to experience it.

It has recently been discovered that research causes cancer in rats.

One should forgive one’s enemies, but not before they are hanged.

Remember half the people you know are below average.

Military intelligence is a contradiction in terms.

I took an IQ test and the results were negative.

Well, if I called the wrong number, why did you answer the phone?

Don’t marry for money. You can borrow it cheaper.

What hair color do they put on the driver’s licenses of bald men?

Allow me to introduce my selves.

Needing someone is like needing a parachute. If he isn’t there the first time you need him, chances are you won’t be needing him again.

Early to rise, early to bed, makes a man healthy but socially dead.

“If carrots are so good for the eyes, how come I see so many dead rabbits on the highway?”

I have kleptomania, but when it gets bad, I take something for it. ~ Robert Benchle

You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say will be misquoted then used against you.

Age is an issue of mind over matter. If you don’t mind, it doesn’t matter.

I envy people who drink – at least they know what to blame everything on.

Well, this day was a total waste of makeup.

Be nice to your kids. They’ll choose your nursing home.

What sane person could live in this world and not be crazy?

There are two types of people in this world, good and bad. The good sleep better, but the bad seem to enjoy the waking hours much more.

I know a guy who is addicted to brake fluid. He says he can stop anytime.

Those who can laugh without cause have either found the true meaning of happiness or have gone stark raving mad.

When you come to a fork in the road, take it.

One day I will get this peer guy and reset his connection.

A baby sitter is a teenager acting like an adult while the adults are out acting like teenagers.

Fundamentalism: Believe in a kind, loving God or we’ll kill you!

People with narrow minds usually have broad tongues.

Never underestimate the power of very stupid people in large groups.

The dictionary is the only place where success comes before work.

My one regret in life is that I am not someone else.

“Auntie Em: hate you, hate Kansas, taking the dog.” – Dorothy

You have the right to your opinions. I just don’t want to hear them.

For Sale: Parachute. Only used once, never opened, small stain.

In a Budapest zoo: Please do not feed the animals. If you have any suitable food, give it to the guard on duty.

Man who run behind car get exhausted.

The trouble with life is there’s no background music.

Any task worth doing was worth doing yesterday.

For people who like peace and quiet – a phoneless cord.

A poor excuse is like an old bucket; doesn’t matter what shape it is in, as long as it holds water.

I have great faith in fools; my friends call it self-confidence.

“Few things are harder to put up with than a good example.”—Mark Twain

You’re not drunk if you can lie on the floor without holding on.

My parents stayed together for forty years, but that was out of spite.

A soldier who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran.

I think animal testing is a terrible idea; they get all nervous and give the wrong answers.

Only a fool is astonished by the foolishness of humankind.

Money can’t buy happiness, but it sure makes misery easier to live with.

Proofread carefully to see if you any words out.

If you don’t learn to laugh at troubles, you won’t have anything to laugh at when you grow old.

Mind like a steel trap – rusty and illegal in most states.

I don’t like people who take drugs... Customs Officers for example.

If you can’t beat your computer at chess, try kickboxing.

“Reader, suppose you were an idiot. And suppose you were a member of Congress. But I repeat myself”. — Mark Twain

If it weren’t for the last minute, nothing would ever get done.

My husband says I never listen to him (at least I think that’s what he said)

Life is far too important to be taken seriously.

A synonym is a word you use when you can’t spell the word you first thought of.

“Life is a waste of time, time is a waste of life, so get wasted all of the time and have the time of your life”. — Tom Waits

Remember the teakettle; though up to its neck in hot water, it continues to sing.

The second day of a diet is alway easier than the first. By the second day, you’re off it.

I hope that after I die, people will say of me: “That guy sure owed me a lot of money.”

There are two kinds of people, those who finish what they start, and so on.

The trouble with our times is that the future is not what it used to be.

A bachelor is a man who comes to work from a different direction each morning.

How do I set a laser printer to stun?

I spilled spot remover on my dog. Now he’s gone.

A study in the Washington Post says that women have better verbal skills than men. I just want to say to the authors of that study: “Duh.”— Conan O’Brien

I generally avoid temptation unless I can’t resist it.

This Would Be Really Funny If It Weren’t Happening To Me.

Sometimes I wake up grumpy; other times I let her sleep

Seen it all, done it all, can’t remember most of it.

Anywhere is walking distance, if you’ve got the time.

Living is not worth dying for.

Smith & Wesson — the original point and click interface.

I’d give my right arm to be ambidextrous.

Tell me what you need, and I’ll tell you how to get along without it.

Broken pencils are pointless.

On a tombstone: I TOLD YOU I WAS SICK

Pick your friends but not to pieces.

Never put both feet in your mouth at the same time, because then you don’t have a leg to stand on.

A dog that attends a flea circus most likely will steal the whole show.

“Then he ran into my knife. He ran into my knife ten times.” – Chicago

An Apple a day keeps the doctor away. But... an onion a day keeps everyone away.

Plan to be spontaneous tomorrow.

“C++ : Where friends have access to your private members.” — Gavin Russell Baker.

“On two occasions I have been asked [by members of Parliament!]: ‘Pray, Mr. Babbage, if you put into the machine wrong figures, will the right answers come out ?’ I am not able rightly to apprehend the kind of confusion of ideas that could provoke such a question.” — Charles Babbage.

I’ve always wanted to be normal, but lately I’ve come to suspect that this is it.

What’s the definition of a will? (It’s a dead giveaway).

Bacteria: the only culture some people have.

Half of the people in the world are below average.

Raising teenagers is like trying to nail Jell-O to a tree.

IRS: We’ve got what it takes to take what you’ve got.

I wished the buck stopped here, as I could use a few.

Pardon my driving, I am reloading.

The number of people watching you is directly proportional to the stupidity of your action.

So Many Pedestrians – So Little Time.

The only reason some people get lost in thought is because it’s unfamiliar territory.

Five out of four people have trouble with fractions.

Stupidity is not a handicap! Park somewhere else!

Procrastinate Now!

Anything that can become tangled around something else, will.

Anything not nailed down is a cat toy.

System Error - Windows Loaded

I don’t want to achieve immortality through my work. I want to achieve immortality through not dying.

It’s easy to quit smoking... I’ve done it over 10,000 times.

He’s so lazy. I’ve seen him step into a revolving door and wait.

Any ship can be a minesweeper... once.

“The best thing about the future is that it comes only one day at a time.” – Abraham Lincoln

“Things are more like they are now than they ever were before.” – Former U.S. President Dwight D. Eisenhower

Marathon runners with bad footwear suffer the agony of defeat.

“I think there is a world market for maybe five computers.” — Thomas Watson, chairman of IBM, 1943.

I like kids, but I don’t think I could eat a whole one.

When you are arguing with an idiot, make sure the other person isn’t doing the same thing.

I am amazed at radio DJ’s today. I am firmly convinced that AM on my radio stands for Absolute Moron. I will not begin to tell you what FM stands for.

“If women didn’t exist, all the money in the world would have no meaning.” – Aristotle Onassis

This mind intentionally left blank

I love being married. It’s so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.

Just because you’re not paranoid doesn’t mean they’re not out to get you.

“Inconceivable!” “I do not think that word means what you think it means.”

What happens if you get scared half to death twice?

They say you only use ten percent of your brain. What about the other ten?

Energizer Bunny arrested: Charged with battery.

Promises are like babies: fun to make, but hell to deliver.

Computers make it easy to do a lot of things, but most of the things that make it easier to do don’t need to be done.

Confidence is the feeling you have before you understand the situation.

Jokes about German sausage are the wurst.

Once, during prohibition, I was forced to live for days on nothing but food and water.

If Bill Gates had a nickel for every time Windows crashed... oh wait, he does.

Being a philosopher, I have a problem for every solution.

I started out with nothing, and I still have most of it.

Modesty is a virtue of fools.

If trees could scream, would we be so cavalier about cutting them down? We might, if they screamed all the time, for no good reason.

Don’t use a big word where a diminutive one will suffice.

If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?

I like children. Properly cooked.

I don’t meet competition. I crush it

The man who fell into an upholstery machine is fully recovered.

I’m not dumb; I just have a command of thoroughly useless information.

I guess traffic in the city is improving a little. Yesterday, I drove clear across town and only had to shave twice.

My girlfriend told me I should be more affectionate. So I got two more girlfriends.

If the human brain were so simple that we could understand it, we would be so simple we couldn’t.

Some pain is physical, and some is mental, but one that’s both is dental.

Oh, don’t fuss. I just cut myself. It’s no big deal,” REALLY MEANS, “I have actually severed a limb, but will bleed to death before I admit I’m hurt.”

This guy walks into a bar and the barman says “Ouch, that must have hurt”

It’s not that I’m afraid to die; I just don’t want to be there when it happens.

Two signs from a Majorcan shop entrance: English well speaking / Here speeching American.

Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying of nothing.

A diplomatic husband said to his wife, how do you expect me to remember your birthday when you never look any older?

When a clock is hungry, it goes back four seconds.

He who laughs last thinks slowest.

111,111,111 x 111,111,111 = 12,345,678,987,654,321

A cartoonist was found dead in his home. Details are sketchy.

It is not what a teenager knows that bothers his parents. It is how he found out.

I always wanted to be somebody, but I should have been more specific.

Why don’t you ever see the headline “Psychic Wins Lottery”?

If we don’t succeed, we run the risk of failure.

Anything’s possible... apart from skiing through a revolving door.

If it’s 0 degrees today and it’s going to be twice as cold tomorrow... how cold will it be?

I installed a skylight in my apartment. The people who live above me are furious.

There is nothing so annoying as to have two people go right on talking when you’re interrupting.

Artificial Intelligence is no match for Natural Stupidity.

Man shoots neighbour with machete [The Miami Herald, July 3]

Having more money doesn’t make you happier. I have 50 million dollars but I’m just as happy as when I had 48 million. ~ Arnold Schwarzenegger.

I got a job at a bakery because I kneaded dough.

Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.

I used up all my sick days, so I’m calling in dead.

If at first you do succeed, try to hide your astonishment.

When I’m not in my right mind, my left mind gets pretty crowded

“I believe in equality for everyone, except reporters and photographers”. — Gandhi

My mind not only wanders, sometimes it leaves completely.

“You have to be careful about being too careful” – Beryl Pfizer

Age is a very high price to pay for maturity.

I don’t suffer from stress. I’m a carrier.

Eat a live toad first thing in the morning, and nothing worse can happen to you the rest of the day.

Brain: an apparatus with which we think we think.

How do you get an Irishman to burn his ear? Ring him up while he is ironing.

Is there life before death?

Hang in there; retirement is only thirty years away.

I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.

Never argue with an idiot. They drag you down to their level then beat you with experience.

Laugh and the world laughs with you; snore and you sleep alone.

You look like a million dollars. All green and wrinkled.

Hypochondria is the only disease I haven’t got.

At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be “What is hell?” Come early and listen to our choir practice.

I love cats – they taste just like chicken.

Why were the Indians here first? They had reservations.

Youth is a wonderful thing. What a crime to waste it on children.

Jack and Jill did it for the insurance.

Connection Reset By Aboriginal With Wire Cutters

Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?

Sometimes I think the surest sign that intelligent life exists elsewhere in the universe is that none of it has tried to contact us.

Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.

A great many people think they are thinking when they are merely rearranging their prejudices.

Somewhere on this globe, every ten seconds, is a woman giving birth to a child. She must be found and stopped.

In a Norwegian cocktail lounge: Ladies are requested not to have children in the bar.

In the beginning, God created earth and rested. Then God created man and rested. Then God created woman. Since then, neither God nor man has rested.

Man who drive like hell bound to get there.

The early bird gets the worm, but the early worm gets eaten.

People can be divided into three groups: Those who make things happen, those who watch things happen, and those who wonder what happened.

Succeed in spite of management. Aim Low; Reach Your Goals, Avoid Disappointment.

“War does not determine who is right - only who is left.” – Bertrand Russell

A guy got arrested for playing the guitar. He was fingering a minor.

Best way to get a man to do something, is to suggest they are too old for it.

My reality check just bounced.

If someone with multiple personalities threatens suicide... is it considered a hostage situation?

If vegetable oil comes from vegetables, where does baby oil come from?

What’s another word for Thesaurus?

I spent most of my money on booze, drugs and women... The rest I wasted!

We are going on a field trip to the Coca-Cola factory. I hope there are no pop quizzes.

Everybody is somebody else’s weirdo.

Whenever I feel like exercise, I lie down until the feeling passes.

Advertisement for donkey rides in Thailand: Would you like to ride on your own ass?

If con is the opposite of pro, congress is the opposite of progress.

If you don’t pay your exorcist you get repossessed.

If we learn by our mistakes, some of us are getting one hell of an education!

Go the extra mile. It makes your boss look like an incompetent slacker.

Democracy is the recurrent suspicion that more than half of the people are right more than half of the time.

Originality is the fine art of remembering what you hear, but forgetting where you heard it.

Plato is dead, Einstein is dead, and I’m not feeling too good myself...

How do you keep an Irishman busy? Write P.T.O on both sides of a piece of paper.

If the French were really intelligent, they’d speak English.

Before you give a colleague a piece of your mind, be sure you can spare it.

Ever stop to think and forget to start again?

Early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.

They told me I had type A blood, but it was a Type O

I’m desperately trying to figure out why kamikaze pilots wore helmets.

If a job is worth doing well get someone else to do it.

In a Copenhagen airline ticket office: We take your bags and send them in all directions.

Man who run in front of car get tired.

Progress was all right. Only it went on too long.

I thought I made a mistake once, but I was wrong.

Seeing a murder on television...will help work off one’s antagonisms. And if you haven’t any antagonisms, the commercials will give you some.

Men occasionally stumble over the truth, but most of them pick themselves up and hurry off as if nothing had happened. – Winston Churchill

I don’t enjoy computer jokes; not one bit.

If everything is coming your way, you are probably in the wrong lane.

How Many Roads Must A Man Travel Down Before He Admits He Is Lost?

Consciousness: that annoying time between naps.

Democracy is a government where you can say what you think even if you don’t think.

You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.

To B or not to B? *kills the B* I HATE BEES!!!! – LynxofCP

Always remember you’re unique, just like everyone else.


“Blink your eyelids periodically to lubricate your eyes.” — Page 16 of the HP “Environmental, Health Safety Handbook for Employees”.

Honest criticism is hard to take, particularly from a relative, a friend, an acquaintance, or a stranger.

Anyone can admit they were wrong; the true test is admitting it to someone else.

Conscience is the inner voice warning us that someone may be looking.

Doctor, Doctor I keep getting pains in the eye when I drink coffee. Have you tried taking the spoon out?

When your IQ reaches 80 –– sell.

To succeed in politics, it is often necessary to rise above your principles.

It’s not true that married men live longer than single men. It only seems longer.

I love work; it fascinates me; I can sit and watch it for hours.

Vote for the man who promises least; he’ll be the least disappointing.

If you can’t be kind, at least have the decency to be vague.

Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don’t.

“I’ve noticed that everyone who is for abortion has already been born.” – Ronald Reagan

It’s bad luck to be superstitious.

Make sure your mind isn’t so open that your brains fall out.

When in trouble, fear or doubt, run in circles, scream and shout.

A team effort is a lot of people doing what I say

Quantum: Noun, word used to sound like I know what I’m talking about while discussing physics I’ve never actually studied.

I don’t suffer from stress. I’m a carrier.

All those who believe in psycho kinesis raise my hand.

You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They left a little note on the windscreen, it said ‘Parking Fine.’

By the time a man realises that his father was right, he has a son who thinks he’s wrong.

I am free of all prejudices. I hate everyone equally.

“I’ve been on a calendar but I have never been on time” – Marilyn Monroe

“Heavier-than-air flying machines are impossible.” — Lord Kelvin, president, Royal Society, 1895.

I majored in liberal arts. Will that be for here or to go?

Did you hear about the cross-eyed teacher who lost her job because she couldn’t control her pupils?

One good turn gets most of the blankets.

I wonder how much deeper would the ocean be without sponges.

Eagles may soar, but weasels don’t get sucked into jet engines.

You’ll never get to heaven if you’re scared of getting high.

Jokes about German sausage are the wurst.

Some people are going to leave a mark on this world, while others will leave a stain.

Borrow money from pessimists- they don’t expect to get it back.

If a man opens a car door for a woman, either the car is new or the woman.

Moderation in all things, including moderation.

If I’d known I was going to live this long, I’d have taken better care of myself.

I haven’t spoken to my wife for 18 months: I don’t like to interrupt her.

Everybody is ignorant, only on different subjects.

The human brain is a wonderful thing. It starts working the moment you are born, and never stops until you stand up to speak in public.

I couldn’t repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.

I often quote myself; it adds spice to my conversation.

I’m in no shape to exercise.

I’m not into working out. My philosophy: No pain, no pain.

Success always occurs in private, and failure in full public view.

The only perfect science is hindsight.

Age is a question of mind over matter. If you don’t mind, it don’t matter.

Never go to a doctor whose office plants have died.

An Irish man was driving to the airport when he saw a sign saying ‘Airport – Left’... So he went home.

Insanity is hereditary; you can get it from your children.

Eagles may soar, but weasels don’t get sucked into jet engines.

This girl said she recognized me from the vegetarian club, but I’d never met herbivore

Honk if you love peace and quiet.

“You can always count on Americans to do the right thing—after they’ve tried everything else” – Winston Churchill

“He has been given a large brain by mistake, since for him the spinal cord would fully suffice.” — Albert Einstein

It’s important to be open-minded, but not SO open-minded that your brains fall out.

If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?

Killed - Personality Incompatibility

If the world should blow itself up, the last audible voice would be that of an expert saying it can’t be done.

Where you stand depends on where you sit.

Anyone who told you to be yourself couldn’t have given you worse advice.

It is even harder for the average ape to believe that he has descended from man.

If olive oil comes from olives, where does baby oil come from?

People don’t grow up; they just learn how to act in public.

That which cannot be taken apart will fall apart.

Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7th of your life.

“Managing senior programmers is like herding cats” — Dave Platt.

It is wiser to find out than to suppose.—Mark Twain

It’s hard to face the problem, when the problem is your face.

Don’t be irreplaceable; if you cannot be replaced, you cannot be promoted.

The sooner you fall behind the more time you’ll have to catch up.

Prediction is extremely difficult. Especially about the future.

“Everyday I beat my own previous record for number of consecutive days I’ve stayed alive.”

There are 10 types of people in the world: Those who understand binary, and those who don’t.

Illiterate? Write For Help.

“My wife made me join a bridge club. I jump off next Tuesday” — Rodney Dangerfield

Chaos, panic, & disorder – my work here is done.

Make three correct guesses consecutively and you will establish yourself as an expert.

If I were two-faced, would I be wearing this one?

The day I can’t do my job drunk is the day I turn in my badge and gun.

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