Amusing Quotes & One-Liners — Ned Martin’s Amused

Amusing Quotes & One-Liners

Outside of a dog, a book is probably man’s best friend, and inside of a dog, it’s too dark to read.

My mind works like lightning. One brilliant flash and it is gone.

The chance of a piece of bread falling with the buttered side down is directly proportional to the cost of the carpet.

Why is the third hand on the watch called a second hand?

If vegetable oil comes from vegetables, where does baby oil come from?

You look like a million dollars. All green and wrinkled.

A pessimist is a man who has been compelled to live with an optimist

If a woman has to choose between catching a fly ball and saving an infant’s life, she will choose to save the infant’s life without even considering if there is a man on base.—Dave Barry

It’s just a job. Grass grows, birds fly, waves pound the sand. I just beat people up. – Muhammad Ali

So Many Pedestrians – So Little Time.

I like kids, but I don’t think I could eat a whole one.

I am free of all prejudices. I hate everyone equally.

Man shoots neighbour with machete [The Miami Herald, July 3]

Honesty is the best policy, but insanity is a better defence.

How do I set a laser printer to stun?

When a clock is hungry, it goes back four seconds.

If you choke a smurf, what colour does it turn?

Am I getting smart with you? How would you know?

There are two kinds of people, those who finish what they start, and so on.

I’ve always wanted to be normal, but lately I’ve come to suspect that this is it.

Connection Reset - Insufficient Electrons

Best way to get a man to do something, is to suggest they are too old for it.

It is wiser to find out than to suppose.—Mark Twain

I used to think I was indecisive, but now I’m not sure.

Don’t talk unless you can improve the silence.

Money is flat and meant to be piled up. – Scottish Proverb

Optimists believe we live on the greatest world. Pessimists believe this is true.

I don’t meet competition. I crush it

Venison for dinner again? Oh deer!

I have had more trouble with myself than with any other man I’ve met.

If you don’t pay your exorcist you get repossessed.

Marriage changes passion... suddenly you’re in bed with a relative.

“I have never let my schooling interfere with my education.”—Mark Twain

For people who like peace and quiet – a phoneless cord.

The dictionary is the only place where success comes before work.

Half of being smart is knowing what you are dumb at.

I either want less corruption, or more chance to participate in it.

In this world, nothing is certain but death and taxes. – Benjamin Franklin

I fear my inferiority complex is not as good as yours.

Show me a piano falling down a mineshaft and I’ll show you A-flat minor.

“I wish everyone was peaceful. Then I could take over the planet with a butter knife”—Dogbert

Sheep don’t fly so much as plummet.

I love being married. It’s so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.

According to recent study someone is run over by a car every 5 minutes in the city. You’d think the guy would have enough sense to get out of the street.

Everything you like is bad for you in some way.

“Managing senior programmers is like herding cats” — Dave Platt.

Never put off until tomorrow what you can avoid altogether.

Time’s fun when you’re having flies... Kermit the Frog

It doesn’t matter what temperature the room is; it’s always room temperature.

A conscience does not prevent sin. It only prevents you from enjoying it.

Tell me what you need, and I’ll tell you how to get along without it.

When you get a bladder infection, urine trouble.

If automobiles had followed the same development cycle as the computer, a Rolls Royce would today cost $100, get a million miles per gallon, and explode once a year, killing everyone inside.

On the plus side, death is one of the few things that can be done just as easily as lying down.

I Haven’t Lost My Mind, It’s Backed Up On Disk Somewhere.

If you can’t convince them, confuse them.

Seeing a murder on television...will help work off one’s antagonisms. And if you haven’t any antagonisms, the commercials will give you some.

Ninety-nine per cent of the people in the world are fools and the rest of us are in great danger of contagion.

Age is a very high price to pay for maturity.

If the human brain were so simple that we could understand it, we would be so simple we couldn’t.

A day without sun shine is like, you know, night.

“I have left orders to be awakened at any time in case of national emergency – even if I’m in a Cabinet meeting.” – Ronald Reagan

Proofread carefully to see if you any words out.

Tip the world over on its side and everything loose will land in Los Angeles.

The trouble with the rat race is that even if you win, you’re still a rat.

I hope that after I die, people will say of me: “That guy sure owed me a lot of money.”

Remember... Marriage is the number one cause of divorce. Statistically, 100% of all divorces started with marriage.

Living is not worth dying for.

Raising teenagers is like trying to nail Jell-O to a tree.

By the time a man realises that his father was right, he has a son who thinks he’s wrong.

“As a matter of fact” is an expression that precedes many an expression that isn’t.

The fellow who thinks he knows it all is especially annoying to those of us who do.

Every time I look at you I get a fierce desire to be lonesome.

Never argue with an idiot. They drag you down to their level then beat you with experience.

Technology is a way of organizing the universe so that man doesn’t have to experience it.

It has recently been discovered that research causes cancer in rats.

There’s a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot.

I love cats – they taste just like chicken.

Every morning is the dawn of a new error.

The best computer is a man, and it’s the only one that can be mass-produced by unskilled labour.

“My wife made me join a bridge club. I jump off next Tuesday” — Rodney Dangerfield

Is there life before death?

God must love stupid people, he made so many.

What if there were no hypothetical questions?

Why is it that to stop Windows, you have to click on “Start”?

I don’t suffer from stress. I’m a carrier.

Only a fool is astonished by the foolishness of humankind.

At the age of six I wanted to be a cook. At seven I wanted to be Napoleon. And my ambition has been growing steadily ever since.

Someday we’ll look back on all this and plow into the back of a parked car.

Love is blind, but marriage is a real eye-opener.

Early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.

I’m not dumb; I just have a command of thoroughly useless information.

“Reading computer manuals without the hardware is as frustrating as reading sex manuals without the software.” — Arthur C. Clarke.

Work expands to fill the time available. — PARKINSON’S LAW

Madness takes its toll. Please have exact change.

Quantum: Noun, word used to sound like I know what I’m talking about while discussing physics I’ve never actually studied.

Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?

I didn’t like my beard at first. Then it grew on me.

Booze is the answer. I don’t remember the question.

Arguing on the Internet is like competing in the Special Olympics – even if you win, you are still retarded.

Cluster bombing from B-52s is very, very accurate – the bombs always hit the ground.

“If builders built buildings the way programmers write programs, then the first woodpecker that came along would destroy civilization” — Weinberg’s Second Law.

Succeed in spite of management. Aim Low; Reach Your Goals, Avoid Disappointment.

“#define QUESTION ((bb) || !(bb))” — Shakespeare

Genius is 1% inspiration, and 99% perspiration.

Smith & Wesson — the original point and click interface.

I can resist everything except temptation.

Chaos, panic, & disorder – my work here is done.

I started out with nothing, and I still have most of it.

I married Miss Right. I just didn’t know her first name was Always.

The beatings will continue until morale improves.

Five out of four people have trouble with fractions.

They say if you play a Microsoft CD backwards you hear satanic messages. That’s nothing, if you play it forwards it installs Windows.

An Irish man was driving to the airport when he saw a sign saying ‘Airport – Left’... So he went home.

Compromise: the art of dividing a cake so that everybody believes he or she got the biggest piece.

I am a nobody, nobody is perfect, therefore I’m perfect.

Killed - Personality Incompatibility

Years ago fairy tales began with “Once upon a time...” Now it’s “If I am elected...”

Sometimes I wake up grumpy; other times I let her sleep

What’s the definition of a will? (It’s a dead giveaway).

“Oh dear,” said God, “I hadn’t thought of that,” and promptly vanished in a puff of logic.

The most powerful force in the universe is gossip.

Isn’t having a smoking section in a restaurant like having a peeing section in a swimming pool?

There’s a fine line between genius and insanity. I have erased this line.

Fundamentalism: Believe in a kind, loving God or we’ll kill you!

Authority makes some people grow – and others just swell.

Smoking cures weight problems...eventually...

Don’t marry for money. You can borrow it cheaper.

Englishmen never will be slaves: they are free to do whatever the Government and public opinion allow them to do.

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I like children. Properly cooked.

Just because your head is the biggest doesn’t mean it contains the right ideas.

I work hard because millions on welfare depend on me.

If you can’t convince them, confuse them.

If everything is coming your way, you are probably in the wrong lane.

Bigamy is having one wife too many. Monogamy is the same. – Oscar Wilde

An egotist is a person of low taste—more interested in himself than in me.

What do you call a dinosaur with an extensive vocabulary? A thesaurus.

Eagles may soar, but weasels don’t get sucked into jet engines.

It is well to remember the entire population of the universe, with one trifling exception, is composed of others.

You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say will be misquoted then used against you.

I was at a bar nursing a beer. My nipple was getting quite soggy.

Experience is something you do not get until just after you need it.

There are three ways to get something done: do it yourself, hire someone, or forbid your kids to do it.

“C++ : Where friends have access to your private members.” — Gavin Russell Baker.

There are two types of people in this world, good and bad. The good sleep better, but the bad seem to enjoy the waking hours much more.

Age is an issue of mind over matter. If you don’t mind, it doesn’t matter.

I used to think I was indecisive, but now I’m not sure.

Not all men are annoying. Some are dead.

You have the right to your opinions. I just don’t want to hear them.

He’s not dead, he’s electroencephalographically challenged.

Knowledge is the key, but where is the damn lock?

Who is General Failure and why is he reading my hard disk?

If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?

If con is the opposite of pro, congress is the opposite of progress.

I’d explain it to you, but your brain would explode.

It is hard enough to remember my opinions, without also remembering my reasons for them!

Women like silent men. They think they’re listening.

“You, you and you: panic. The rest of you, come with me.”

A bachelor is a man who comes to work from a different direction each morning.

Some pain is physical, and some is mental, but one that’s both is dental.

He who laughs last thinks slowest.

“Einstein argued that there must be simplified explanations of nature, because God is not capricious or arbitrary. No such faith comforts the software engineer.” — Fred Brooks.

Modesty is a virtue of fools.

If money talks, it ain’t on speakin’ terms with me.

He does the work of three men: Larry, Moe and Curly.

I don’t believe in astrology. I am a Sagittarius and we’re very skeptical. ~ Arthur C. Clarke

Velcro — what a rip off!

“There are only two things that are infinite: the universe and human stupidity. And I’m not sure about the universe.” A. Einstein

The only difference between Genius and Insanity... is success.

Don’t use a big word where a diminutive one will suffice.

Nothing means nothing, but it isn’t really nothing because nothing is something that isn’t.

Cab drivers are living proof that practice does not make perfect.

Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.

If you try and don’t succeed, cheat. Repeat until caught. Then lie.

He often broke into song because he couldn’t find the key.

“Always in motion the future is. Seasick it makes me. That’s why so green I am”. – Yoda

Before marriage, a man yearns for the woman he loves. After marriage, the ‘Y’ becomes silent.

Everybody is ignorant, only on different subjects.

“My computer NEVER loc

There is no such thing as an underestimate of average intelligence

My favorite mythical creature? The honest politician.

Ours is a world where people don’t know what they want and are willing to go through hell to get it.

Eschew obfuscation.

If it’s 0 degrees today and it’s going to be twice as cold tomorrow... how cold will it be?

“Heavier-than-air flying machines are impossible.” — Lord Kelvin, president, Royal Society, 1895.

Experience is simply the name we give our mistakes.

It is a small world, but I wouldn’t like to have to paint it.

Good judgement comes from experience. Experience comes from bad judgement.

The amount of work to be done increases in proportion to the amount of work already completed. — VAIL’S SECOND AXIOM

Life is complex: it has real and imaginary parts.

Sometimes I think the surest sign that intelligent life exists elsewhere in the universe is that none of it has tried to contact us.

“He has been given a large brain by mistake, since for him the spinal cord would fully suffice.” — Albert Einstein

“Things are more like they are now than they ever were before.” – Former U.S. President Dwight D. Eisenhower

Does your train of thought have a caboose?

“How can a president not be an actor?” – when asked “How could an actor become president?” – Ronald Reagan

Nobody can be exactly like me. Even I have trouble doing it.

There are only three kinds of people; people who can count and people who can’t.

What does a clock do when it’s hungry? It goes back four seconds.

“They say hard work never hurt anybody, but I figure why take the chance.” – Ronald Reagan

If you can’t dazzle them with brilliance... just baffle them with bullsh*t.

As long as there are tests, there will be prayer in public schools.

The doctor can bury his mistakes but an architect can only advise his client to plant vines.

I live in my own little world, but it’s ok they know me here.

Why is the man that invests your money called a broker?

If you want a committed man, look in a mental hospital.

When your IQ reaches 80 –– sell.

That which cannot be taken apart will fall apart.

“Banking establishments are more dangerous than standing armies”. — Thomas Jefferson

How do you know if a fish is Irish? It has drowned.

What sane person could live in this world and not be crazy?

Lead us not into temptation. Just tell us where it is; we’ll find it.

Vote for the man who promises least; he’ll be the least disappointing.

Life... I don’t get it...

Confidence is the feeling you have before you understand the situation.

If ever I get married again it would have to be under an anaesthetic.

Hemp is a herb. Bush is a dope.

There are 3 kinds of people: those who can count and those who can’t.

I think animal testing is a terrible idea; they get all nervous and give the wrong answers.

Save the whales. Collect the whole set.

Anger is only one letter away from danger.

If quizzes are quizzical, what are tests?

I like to start my periods with sentences.

111,111,111 x 111,111,111 = 12,345,678,987,654,321

“Reader, suppose you were an idiot. And suppose you were a member of Congress. But I repeat myself”. — Mark Twain

The things that come to those that wait may be the things left by those who got there first.

Accept that some days you’re the pigeon, and some days you’re the statue.

To succeed in politics, it is often necessary to rise above your principles.

Be thankful for problems. If they were less difficult, someone with less ability might have your job.

Support bacteria – they’re the only culture some people have.

It is said that if you line up all the cars in the world end to end, someone would be stupid enough to try and pass them.

Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian any more than going to the garage makes you a car.

Anything that can become tangled around something else, will.

Always remember you’re unique, just like everyone else.

If it weren’t for electricity we’d all be watching television by candlelight?

Even paranoids have real enemies.

I spent most of my money on booze, drugs and women... The rest I wasted!

I have spent my whole life looking for the perfect woman, and now I’ve found her. Too bad she’s looking for the perfect man.

A bird does not sing because it has an answer—it sings because it has a song.

If sex is such a natural phenomenon, how come there are so many books on how to do it.

I don’t have a solution but I admire the problem.

Humour. It is a difficult concept. It is not logical.

Just because you’re not paranoid doesn’t mean they’re not out to get you.

One martini is all right, two is too many, and three is not enough.

The trouble with jogging is that, by the time you realise you’re not in shape for it, it’s far too far to walk back.

Seen it all, done it all, can’t remember most of it.

The scientific theory I like best is that the rings of Saturn are composed entirely of lost airline luggage.

Impotence: Nature’s Way Of Saying “No Hard Feelings”.

Jokes about German sausage are the wurst.

A guy got arrested for playing the guitar. He was fingering a minor.

Despite the cost of living it’s still very popular.

On the other hand you have different fingers.

How do you spot an Irishman at a carwash? He’s the one on the bike.

I got a job at a bakery because I kneaded dough.

Programmer – A red-eyed, mumbling mammal capable of conversing with inanimate objects.

Laugh and the world laughs with you; snore and you sleep alone.

I changed my iPod’s name to Titanic. It’s syncing now.

You can always spot a well-informed man – his views are the same as yours.

I haven’t spoken to my wife for 18 months: I don’t like to interrupt her.

I’m quite easy to get along with, once you learn to beckon at my every call and yield to all my desires.

I’m an apathetic sociopath – I’d kill you if I cared.

You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They left a little note on the windscreen, it said ‘Parking Fine.’

To B or not to B? *kills the B* I HATE BEES!!!! – LynxofCP

Never buy a car you can’t push.

“Auntie Em: hate you, hate Kansas, taking the dog.” – Dorothy

Does this smell like chloroform to you?

I don’t necessarily agree with everything I say.

Lord, if you won’t make me skinny, please make all my friends fat.

“You can always count on Americans to do the right thing—after they’ve tried everything else” – Winston Churchill

The number of people watching you is directly proportional to the stupidity of your action.

Maybe I’m lucky to be going so slowly, because I may be going in the wrong direction.

Success always occurs in private, and failure in full public view.

He who trains his tongue to quote the learned sages, will be known far and wide as a smart ass.

“War does not determine who is right - only who is left.” – Bertrand Russell

Partying... oops No Only Parting... sorry

Where do you find an Irish woodworm? Dead inside a brick.

Macho Law prohibits me from admitting I’m wrong.

What happens if you get scared half to death twice?

Errors have been made. Others will be blamed.

Climbers aim for the summit because it is there. Bungi jumpers dive off the top because they aren’t all there.

Having more money doesn’t make you happier. I have 50 million dollars but I’m just as happy as when I had 48 million. ~ Arnold Schwarzenegger.

If it’s true that we are here to help others, then what exactly are the others here for?

Santa’s helpers are subordinate clauses.

My life has a superb cast but I can’t figure out the plot.

Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7th of your life.

I generally avoid temptation unless I can’t resist it.

A poor excuse is like an old bucket; doesn’t matter what shape it is in, as long as it holds water.

“This report, by its very length, defends itself against the risk of being read”. — Winston Churchill

Cheer up, the worst is yet to come.

He who smiles in a crisis has found someone to blame.

Some people are alive only because it’s illegal to kill them.

“Few things are harder to put up with than a good example.”—Mark Twain

“I worked in a pet shop and people kept asking how big I’d get” — Rodney Dangerfield

A committee is a body that keeps minutes and wastes hours.

Bacteria: the only culture some people have.

“When in doubt tell the truth.”—Mark Twain

Honk if you love peace and quiet.

It’s bad luck to be superstitious.

Hope sees the invisible, feels the intangible and achieves the impossible.

Love is like an hourglass, with the heart filling up as the brain empties.

Men occasionally stumble over the truth, but most of them pick themselves up and hurry off as if nothing had happened. – Winston Churchill

A conclusion is simply the place where you got tired of thinking.

Remember half the people you know are below average.

Go the extra mile. It makes your boss look like an incompetent slacker.

My parents stayed together for forty years, but that was out of spite.

Two signs from a Majorcan shop entrance: English well speaking / Here speeching American.

A great many people think they are thinking when they are merely rearranging their prejudices.

Marriage is not a word; it is a sentence.

I love work; it fascinates me; I can sit and watch it for hours.

If I were two-faced, would I be wearing this one?

“The object of war is not to die for your country but to make the other bastard die for his.” – General George Patton

It is a fitting irony that under Richard Nixon, ‘launder’ became a dirty word.

Politicians are people who, when they see the light at the end of the tunnel, go out and buy more tunnel.

If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?

A cartoonist was found dead in his home. Details are sketchy.

In a Norwegian cocktail lounge: Ladies are requested not to have children in the bar.

If you don’t learn to laugh at troubles, you won’t have anything to laugh at when you grow old.

Plan to be spontaneous tomorrow.

A baby sitter is a teenager acting like an adult while the adults are out acting like teenagers.

If we aren’t supposed to eat animals, why are they made of meat?

We must believe in free will, we have no choice.

Don’t use a big word where a diminutive one will suffice.

After all is said and done, more is said than done.

I envy people who drink – at least they know what to blame everything on.

Haunted French pancakes give me the crêpes.

When I was young, I could remember anything. Whether it happened or not.

Men don’t care what’s on TV. They only care what else is on TV.

Why do we wash bath towels, aren’t we clean when we use them?

Laughing stock: cattle with a sense of humour.

There are 10 types of people in the world: Those who understand binary, and those who don’t.

Marathon runners with bad footwear suffer the agony of defeat.

If I were someone who knew something, who could I tell that would believe me?

Whenever people agree with me, I always feel I must be wrong.

Being a philosopher, I have a problem for every solution.

Computers make it easy to do a lot of things, but most of the things that make it easier to do don’t need to be done.

Well, this day was a total waste of makeup.

Outside a Hong Kong tailor shop: Ladies may have a fit upstairs.

Last night I lay in bed looking up at the stars in the sky and I thought to myself, “Where the heck is the ceiling?”

All my life, I always wanted to be somebody. Now I see that I should have been more specific.

e=mc^2 where m = the number of cooks required to spoil the broth

Next time you wave, use all your fingers.

Why is it that doctors call what they do “practice”?

Perhaps you’re diagonally parked in a parallel universe?

I used to be a banker, but then I lost interest.

Democracy is the recurrent suspicion that more than half of the people are right more than half of the time.

He’s so lazy. I’ve seen him step into a revolving door and wait.

Money can’t buy happiness, but it sure makes misery easier to live with.

“If carrots are so good for the eyes, how come I see so many dead rabbits on the highway?”

I have the body of a GOD – Buddha.

Half our life is spent trying to find something to do with the time we have rushed through life trying to save.

It’s strange, isn’t it. You stand in the middle of a library and go aaaaagghhhh’ and everyone just stares at you. But you do the same thing on an aeroplane, and everyone joins in.

The day I can’t do my job drunk is the day I turn in my badge and gun.

Life is far too important to be taken seriously.

I used to be a Kleptomaniac, But now I’m taking something for it

It’s hard to face the problem, when the problem is your face.

In the beginning, there was nothing. Then God said, “Let there be light,” and there was still nothing, but you could see it.

Before you give a colleague a piece of your mind, be sure you can spare it.

When he first ran for office, he appealed to the voters: “I never stole anything in my life. All I ask is a chance.”

Anything not nailed down is mine. Anything I can pry loose is not nailed down.

You’re not drunk if you can lie on the floor without holding on.

Don’t take life too seriously—you’ll never get out of it alive.

Connection Reset By Aboriginal With Wire Cutters

Remember, half the people you know are below average.

When I was a boy I was told that anybody could become president; I’m beginning to believe it.

Anyone who told you to be yourself couldn’t have given you worse advice.

A hangover is the wrath of grapes.

Democracy is a process by which people are free to choose the man who will get the blame.

Better to remain silent and be thought a fool, than to speak and remove all doubt.

Everything is possible; just not too probable.

Latest survey shows that 3 out of 4 people make up 75% of the world’s population.

I have noticed that the people who are late are often so much jollier that the people who have to wait for them.

Lots of people know a good thing the minute the other fellow sees it first.

Anything’s possible... apart from skiing through a revolving door.

A synonym is a word you use when you can’t spell the word you first thought of.

Doctor, Doctor I keep getting pains in the eye when I drink coffee. Have you tried taking the spoon out?

Plagiarism saves time.

On a tombstone: I TOLD YOU I WAS SICK

Man who run behind car get exhausted.

No problem is so big and complicated that it can’t be ran away from.

Brain: an apparatus with which we think we think.

If the French were really intelligent, they’d speak English.

Everyone hates me because I’m paranoid.

“I’ve noticed that everyone who is for abortion has already been born.” – Ronald Reagan

This comment is printed on 100% recycled electrons.

There is nothing so annoying as to have two people go right on talking when you’re interrupting.

When in trouble, fear or doubt, run in circles, scream and shout.

A printer consists of three main parts: the case, the jammed paper tray and the blinking red light

Time sneaks up on you like a windshield on a bug.

Everybody is ignorant, only on different subjects.

Chipped dishes never break.

Anywhere is walking distance, if you’ve got the time.

Slow is when someone laps you in the hundred-yard dash

My mind not only wanders, sometimes it leaves completely.

Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.

The world is full of willing people; some willing to work, the rest willing to let them.

People with narrow minds usually have broad tongues.

Character is what you are in the dark.

In a Rome laundry: Ladies, leave your clothes here and spend the afternoon having a good time.

I have gone to look for myself, if I should return before I get back, keep me here.

Under capitalism, man exploits man. Under Communism, it’s just the opposite.

Alcohol: the cause of, and solution to, all of life’s problems.

I’m out of my mind, but feel free to leave a message.

People can be divided into three groups: Those who make things happen, those who watch things happen, and those who wonder what happened.

Those who can laugh without cause have either found the true meaning of happiness or have gone stark raving mad.

I’m reading a book about anti-gravity. I can’t put it down.

To find out a girl’s faults, praise her to her girl friends.

Broken pencils are pointless.

Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way when you criticize them, you are a mile away from them and you have their shoes.

A dog that attends a flea circus most likely will steal the whole show.

Confidence is the feeling you have before you understand the situation

At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be “What is hell?” Come early and listen to our choir practice.

If trees could scream, would we be so cavalier about cutting them down? We might, if they screamed all the time, for no good reason.

IRS: We’ve got what it takes to take what you’ve got.

They say you only use ten percent of your brain. What about the other ten?

If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?

A soldier who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran.

Jack and Jill did it for the insurance.

I thought I made a mistake once, but I was wrong.

Anything not nailed down is a cat toy.

I heard a man say that brigands demand your money or your life, whereas women require both.

What do you call a dinosaur with an extensive vocabulary? A thesaurus.

My girlfriend told me I should be more affectionate. So I got two more girlfriends.

In democracy it’s your vote that counts. In feudalism it’s your count that votes.

Caution – Driver Legally Blonde!

Tips for Vegetarians: Hit a chicken enough times and it turns into a vegetable.

When angry count four, when very angry, swear.

Be nice to your kids. They’ll choose your nursing home.

The man who fell into an upholstery machine is fully recovered.

I don’t have an attitude problem. You have a perception problem.

Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.

In the office of a Roman doctor: Specialist in women and other diseases.

Shin: a device for finding furniture in the dark.

If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?

I want to die peacefully in my sleep like my grandfather, not screaming in abject horror like his passengers.

I intend to live forever – so far, so good.

Constipated People Don’t Give A Crap.

How can you come out of a closet if you never went in there in the first place?

“How come we choose from just two people to run for president and 50 for Miss America?”

The second day of a diet is alway easier than the first. By the second day, you’re off it.

My one regret in life is that I am not someone else.

Time is a great teacher, but unfortunately it kills all its pupils.

Money is better than poverty, if only for financial reasons.

As a final incentive before giving up a difficult task, try to imagine it successfully accomplished by someone you violently dislike.

If puns were outlawed, only outlaws would have puns.

If people concentrated on the really important things in life, there’d be a shortage of fishing poles.

Ever stop to think and forget to start again?

Early to rise, early to bed, makes a man healthy but socially dead.

Without question, the greatest invention in the history of mankind is beer. Oh, I grant you that the wheel was also a fine invention, but the wheel does not go nearly as well with pizza.

We waste time, so you don’t have to.

Remember the teakettle; though up to its neck in hot water, it continues to sing.

Heck is where people go who don’t believe in gosh.

Pardon my driving, I am reloading.

Make sure your mind isn’t so open that your brains fall out.

One day I will get this peer guy and reset his connection.

Get even – live long enough to be a problem to your kids.

If you don’t know why I’m mad at you, then I’m certainly not going to tell you


Why don’t you ever see the headline “Psychic Wins Lottery”?

If you don’t know where you are going, you might wind up someplace else.

I have a simple philosophy. Fill what’s empty. Empty what’s full. Scratch where it itches.

Being in the army is like being in the Boy Scouts, except that the Boy Scouts have adult supervision.

I don’t approve of political jokes... I’ve seen too many of them get elected.

Roses are red, Violets are blue. In Soviet Russia, Poems write you.

I’d like to see things your way, but I’m looking in another direction.

I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.

Eagles may soar, but weasels don’t get sucked into jet engines.

Well, if I called the wrong number, why did you answer the phone?

I am not a vegetarian because I love animals; I am a vegetarian because I hate plants.

I wondered why the baseball was getting bigger. Then it hit me.

Comedy is tragedy plus time.

Men have a much better time of it than women; for one thing, they marry later; for another thing they die earlier.

“Then he ran into my knife. He ran into my knife ten times.” – Chicago

You’ll never get to heaven if you’re scared of getting high.

I take everything I can for my kleptomania.

There are two kinds of people, those who finish what they start, and so on.

“Hey, I’ve got reasons for what I’m doing,” REALLY MEANS, “I sure hope I think of some pretty soon.”

To define recursion, we must first define recursion.

Foolproof systems don’t take into account the ingenuity of fools.

I took an IQ test and the results were negative.

Birthdays are good for you. Statistics show that the people who have the most live the longest.

I think, therefore I am single.

It’s not that I’m afraid to die; I just don’t want to be there when it happens.

Laugh at your problems; everybody else does.

Two strings walk into a bar. The first string says to the bartender, “Bartender, I’ll have a beer. u.5n$x5t?*&4ru!2[sACCErJ”. The second string says, “Pardon my friend, he isn’t NULL terminated”.

Friends may come and go, but enemies accumulate

They told me I had type A blood, but it was a Type O

I’m desperately trying to figure out why kamikaze pilots wore helmets.

Help Wanted: Telepath. You know where to apply.

If you want your spouse to listen and pay strict attention to every word you say, talk in your sleep.

Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

I arise in the morning torn between a desire to improve the world and a desire to enjoy the world. This makes it hard to plan the day.

A person who smiles in the face of adversity... probably has a scapegoat.

Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?

An Apple a day keeps the doctor away. But... an onion a day keeps everyone away.

I couldn’t repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.

In elementary school, in case of fire, you have to line up quietly in a single file line from smallest to tallest. What is the logic? Do tall people burn slower?

If at first you don’t succeed, try management.

The truth is a precious commodity. That’s why I use it so sparingly.

If At First You Don’t Succeed... Blame Someone Else And Seek Counseling.

“I am not worried about the deficit. It is big enough to take care of itself.” – Ronald Reagan

No sense being pessimistic, it probably wouldn’t work anyway.

Just remember... if the world didn’t suck, we’d all fall off.

I have great faith in fools; my friends call it self-confidence.

Hang in there; retirement is only thirty years away.

Bacteria: the only culture some people have.

A backwards poet writes inverse.

The sooner you fall behind the more time you’ll have to catch up.

Don’t be irreplaceable; if you cannot be replaced, you cannot be promoted.

“There are two major products that come out of Berkeley: LSD and UNIX. We don’t believe this to be a coincidence.” — Jeremy S. Anderson

Some people are going to leave a mark on this world, while others will leave a stain.

If all you have is a hammer, everything looks like a nail.

It’s not hard to meet expenses, they’re everywhere.

The most precious thing we have is life. Yet it has absolutely no trade-in value.

My reality check just bounced.

I’m an idealist: I don’t know where I’m going, but I’m on my way.

You’re such an inspiration for the way I’ll never choose to be.

Plato is dead, Einstein is dead, and I’m not feeling too good myself...

I stayed up all night to see where the sun went. Then it dawned on me.

Mines are equal opportunity weapons.

Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?

“A patriot must always be ready to defend his country against his government”. — Edward Abbey

A clean tie attracts the soup of the day.

Abel Tasman on discovering Tasmania, “Too far south for spices and too close to the rim of the earth to be inhabited by anything but freaks and monsters”

A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat.

Never go to a doctor whose office plants have died.

“Every mighty oak was once just a nut who stood his ground.”

Insanity is hereditary; you can get it from your children.

In a Copenhagen airline ticket office: We take your bags and send them in all directions.

Men’s faults are many, women have only two. Everything they say, and everything they do.

A bird in the hand is safer than one overhead.

Everybody has a photographic memory. Some don’t have film.

I dropped out of communism class because of lousy Marx.

I have kleptomania, but when it gets bad, I take something for it. ~ Robert Benchle

“I’ve been on a calendar but I have never been on time” – Marilyn Monroe

“When you starve with a tiger, the tiger starves last”. — Griffin’s Thought

This guy walks into a bar and the barman says “Ouch, that must have hurt”

Wine divulges truth.

I did a theatrical performance about puns. It was a play on words.

I Refuse To Have A Battle Of Wits With An Unarmed Person.

Honest criticism is hard to take, particularly from a relative, a friend, an acquaintance, or a stranger.

“I’d rather have a bottle in front of me, than a frontal lobotomy”. — Tom Waits

I majored in liberal arts. Will that be for here or to go?

Democracy is a government where you can say what you think even if you don’t think.

If the world should blow itself up, the last audible voice would be that of an expert saying it can’t be done.

“I believe in equality for everyone, except reporters and photographers”. — Gandhi

I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol.

Quantum mechanics: The dreams stuff is made of.

Even crime wouldn’t pay if the government ran it.

I laugh in the face of danger, except if I’m involved.

“I would like to live in Manchester, England. The transition between Manchester and death would be unnoticeable”. — Mark Twain

If someone with multiple personalities threatens suicide... is it considered a hostage situation?

The dumber people think you are, the more surprised they’re going to be when you kill them—Rodney Dangerfield

It’s easy to quit smoking... I’ve done it over 10,000 times.

The earthquake in Washington obviously was the government’s fault.

I tried sniffing Coke once, but the ice cubes got stuck in my nose.

People who think they know everything are annoying to those of us who do.

If you’re not wasted, the day is.

Promises are like babies: fun to make, but hell to deliver.

Everyone needs belief in something. I believe I’ll have another beer.

You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.

“The web is a dominatrix. Every where I turn, I see little buttons ordering me to Submit.” — Nytwind.

One good turn gets most of the blankets.

A penny saved is a Congressional spending oversight.

I get enough exercise just pushing my luck.

Statistics are like bikinis – What they reveal is suggestive, but what they conceal is vital.

History will be kind to me for I intend to write it. – Winston Churchill

Stupidity is not a handicap! Park somewhere else!

One should forgive one’s enemies, but not before they are hanged.

What Has Four Legs And An Arm? A Happy Pit Bull.

We spend the first twelve months of our children’s lives teaching them to walk and talk and the next twelve telling them to sit down and shut up.

I used to find him boring until I stopped listening.

I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.

Don’t Be Sexist – Broads Hate That.

I stayed up all night to see where the sun went. Then it dawned on me.

Be kind to your dentist. He has fillings, too.

Everybody is somebody else’s weirdo.

The short fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.

The sooner you fall behind the more time you’ll have to catch up.

This mind intentionally left blank

When you are arguing with an idiot, make sure the other person isn’t doing the same thing.

Where you stand depends on where you sit.

Never put both feet in your mouth at the same time, because then you don’t have a leg to stand on.

Man who drive like hell bound to get there.

“I think there is a world market for maybe five computers.” — Thomas Watson, chairman of IBM, 1943.

Man who eat many prunes get good run for money.

If I have to work for an idiot, I might as well work for myself.

We have two ends. One for sitting and one for thinking. Our success depends on which one we use most.

When I’m not in my right mind, my left mind gets pretty crowded

In a Tokyo shop: Our nylons cost more than common, but you’ll find they are best in the long run.

Time is God’s way of keeping everything from happening at once.

Man does not live by words alone, despite the fact that sometimes he has to eat them.

“People who drink light beer don’t like the taste of beer; they just like to pee a lot” — Rodney Dangerfield

Conscience is the inner voice warning us that someone may be looking.

The only perfect science is hindsight.

The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.

If at first you do succeed, try to hide your astonishment.

I had amnesia once or twice.

Age is a question of mind over matter. If you don’t mind, it don’t matter.

AIBOHPHOBIA – the fear of palindromes.

Anyone can admit they were wrong; the true test is admitting it to someone else.

Some people are alive only because it’s illegal to kill them.

I’ve been trying for some time to develop a life style that doesn’t require my presence.

Everybody lies, but it doesn’t matter since nobody listens.

The secret of success is sincerity. Once you can fake that you’ve got it made.

Never underestimate the power of very stupid people in large groups.

I plead contemporary insanity.

Applying computer technology is simply finding the right wrench to pound in the correct screw.

Procrastinate Now!

Illiterate? Write For Help.

The human brain is a wonderful thing. It starts working the moment you are born, and never stops until you stand up to speak in public.

“Always be sincere, even when you don’t mean it”. — Irene Peter

You have to stay in shape. My grandmother, she started walking five miles a day when she was 60. She’s 97 today and we don’t know where the hell she is.

I’m not afraid of heights, only widths.

It’s not true that married men live longer than single men. It only seems longer.

Advertisement for donkey rides in Thailand: Would you like to ride on your own ass?

“This ‘telephone’ has too many shortcomings to be seriously considered as a means of communication.” — Western Union internal memo, 1876.

Oh, don’t fuss. I just cut myself. It’s no big deal,” REALLY MEANS, “I have actually severed a limb, but will bleed to death before I admit I’m hurt.”

On the keyboard of life, always keep one finger on the escape key.

Originality is the fine art of remembering what you hear, but forgetting where you heard it.

If a man opens a car door for a woman, either the car is new or the woman.

A drop of ink may make a million think.

Shin: a device for finding furniture in the dark.

If you can’t be kind, at least have the decency to be vague.

All the toilets in New York’s police stations have been stolen. The police have nothing to go on.

It is not my interest to pay the principal, nor my principal to pay the interest.

Is Disney World the only people trap operated by a mouse?

The early bird gets the worm, but the early worm gets eaten.

It’s important to be open-minded, but not SO open-minded that your brains fall out.

“A girl phoned me the other day and said... Come on over, there’s nobody home. I went over. Nobody was home” — Rodney Dangerfield

I don’t like people who take drugs... Customs Officers for example.

“The best thing about the future is that it comes only one day at a time.” – Abraham Lincoln

I spilled spot remover on my dog. Now he’s gone.

If a President doesn’t do it to his wife, he’ll do it to his country.

If you’re born again, do you have two bellybuttons?

Blessed are those who can laugh at themselves, they will never cease to be amused.

99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.

Eat a live toad first thing in the morning, and nothing worse can happen to you the rest of the day.

I’m in no shape to exercise.

When all other means of communication fail, try words.

“Life is a waste of time, time is a waste of life, so get wasted all of the time and have the time of your life”. — Tom Waits

If at first you don’t succeed, destroy all the evidence that you tried.

This girl said she recognized me from the vegetarian club, but I’d never met herbivore

What hair color do they put on the driver’s licenses of bald men?

A procrastinator’s work is never done.

An army of deer led by a lion is more to be feared than an army of lions led by a deer.

Men are from earth. Women are from earth. Deal with it.

I tried to photograph the fog, but I mist.

I wonder how much deeper would the ocean be without sponges.

Half of the people in the world are below average.

The surprising thing about young fools is how many survive to become old fools.

I married my wife for her looks... but not the ones she’s been giving me lately!

Mind like a steel trap – rusty and illegal in most states.

One good thing about repeating your mistakes is that you know when to cringe.

If you think nobody cares if you’re alive, try missing a couple of car payments.

From the moment I picked your book up until I laid it down I was convulsed with laughter. Some day I intend reading it.

The trouble with life is there’s no background music.

Brilliant, but with the social skills of a thermonuclear device.

I used to be apathetic, but now I don’t give a damn.

The only reason some people get lost in thought is because it’s unfamiliar territory.

Youth is a wonderful thing. What a crime to waste it on children.

Hard work never killed anybody but why take the chance?

We’ve made great medical progress in the last generation. What used to be merely an itch is now an allergy.

“Thinking is the hardest work there is, which is probably why so few engage in it”. — Henry Ford

Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

If we learn by our mistakes, some of us are getting one hell of an education!

If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?

A dyslexic man walks into a bra.

Nick Overruled - Democratic Majority Decision

Being single is like a vacuum. It sucks when you are turned on.

Of course, we are all worms—but I like to think, at least, that I am a glow-worm. – Winston Churchill

Moderation in all things, including moderation.

I am obviously right, and as you disagree with me, then logically you must be wrong.

My husband and I divorced over religious differences... He thought he was God and I didn’t.

I don’t want to achieve immortality through my work. I want to achieve immortality through not dying.

It is hard to understand how a cemetery raised its burial charges and blamed it on the cost of living.

Energizer Bunny arrested: Charged with battery.

The trouble with our times is that the future is not what it used to be.

You can’t have everything. Where would you put it?

I love deadlines. I especially like the whooshing sound they make as they go flying by.

If you do not make dust, you eat dust.

Keyboard not detected. Press F1 to continue

How Many Roads Must A Man Travel Down Before He Admits He Is Lost?

The light at the end of the tunnel has been turned off due to budget cuts.

I guess traffic in the city is improving a little. Yesterday, I drove clear across town and only had to shave twice.

I’m not into working out. My philosophy: No pain, no pain.

TEAMWORK... means never having to take all the blame yourself.

Blessed are the young, for they shall inherit the national debt.

We Quit Voting Will They All Go Away?

Why is it called tourist season if we can’t shoot at them?

Don’t stop to stomp on ants when the elephants are stampeding.

A team effort is a lot of people doing what I say

England has no kidney bank, but it does have a Liverpool.

Any task worth doing was worth doing yesterday.

I’m sorry; you cannot have an outlook on life because it isn’t responding. Microsoft apologises for any inconvenience.

I always wanted to be somebody, but I should have been more specific.

The difference between a stepping-stone and a stumbling block can be when you see it.

I majored in liberal arts. Will that be for here or to go?

“Are you going to come quietly, or do I have to use earplugs?”—Vale Spike Milligan

Needing someone is like needing a parachute. If he isn’t there the first time you need him, chances are you won’t be needing him again.

I had some words with my wife, and she had some paragraphs with me.

I can please only one person per day. Today is not your day. Tomorrow isn’t looking good either.

Did you hear about the cross-eyed teacher who lost her job because she couldn’t control her pupils?

When you come to a fork in the road, take it.

If we don’t succeed, we run the risk of failure.

I used up all my sick days, so I’m calling in dead.

Some people say that I must be a horrible person, but that’s not true. I have the heart of a young boy – in a jar on my desk.

Whenever I feel like exercise, I lie down until the feeling passes.

It is not what a teenager knows that bothers his parents. It is how he found out.

Borrow money from pessimists- they don’t expect to get it back.

“Everyday I beat my own previous record for number of consecutive days I’ve stayed alive.”

Consciousness: that annoying time between naps.

Warning: Dates in Calendar are closer than they appear.

If Bill Gates had a nickel for every time Windows crashed... oh wait, he does.

Age always corresponds inversely to the size of your multivitamin.

Sheep don’t fly so much as plummet.

If you can stay calm, while all around you is chaos... then you probably haven’t completely understood the situation.

It is even harder for the average ape to believe that he has descended from man.

Someone sent me a postcard picture of the earth. On the back it said, “Wish you were here.”

Youth would be an ideal state if it came a little later in life.

Take my advice, I don’t use it anyway.

Don’t look back. Something may be gaining on you.

I thought I wanted a career, turns out I just wanted paychecks.

The illegal we do immediately. The unconstitutional takes a little longer. – Henry Kissinger

Allow me to introduce my selves.

This Would Be Really Funny If It Weren’t Happening To Me.

“Your mouse has moved. Windows must be restarted for the change to take effect. Reboot now ? [OK]”

I was the next door kid’s imaginary friend.

Always do sober what you said you’d do drunk. That will teach you to keep your mouth shut.

PMS jokes aren’t funny. Period.

If it weren’t for the last minute, nothing would ever get done.

If you can’t beat your computer at chess, try kickboxing.

System Error - Windows Loaded

Any ship can be a minesweeper... once.

Bachelors know more about women than married men; if they didn’t they’d be married too.

All those who believe in psycho kinesis raise my hand.

My schoolmates would make love to anything that moved, but I never saw any reason to limit myself.

Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.

When you do not know what you are doing, do it neatly.

Whenever there is any doubt, there is no doubt.

If olive oil comes from olives, where does baby oil come from?

“Blink your eyelids periodically to lubricate your eyes.” — Page 16 of the HP “Environmental, Health Safety Handbook for Employees”.

“Inconceivable!” “I do not think that word means what you think it means.”

Work: It isn’t just for sleeping anymore.

I’d give my right arm to be ambidextrous.

I installed a skylight in my apartment. The people who live above me are furious.

Well if this is the wrong number, why did you answer it?

If I’d known I was going to live this long, I’d have taken better care of myself.

“On two occasions I have been asked [by members of Parliament!]: ‘Pray, Mr. Babbage, if you put into the machine wrong figures, will the right answers come out ?’ I am not able rightly to apprehend the kind of confusion of ideas that could provoke such a question.” — Charles Babbage.

Doctor, Doctor You’ve got to help me – I just can’t stop my hands shaking. Do you drink a lot? Not really – I spill most of it!

All men are equal. Some are just more equal than others.

Make three correct guesses consecutively and you will establish yourself as an expert.

I am amazed at radio DJ’s today. I am firmly convinced that AM on my radio stands for Absolute Moron. I will not begin to tell you what FM stands for.

People don’t grow up; they just learn how to act in public.

I wished the buck stopped here, as I could use a few.

Why were the Indians here first? They had reservations.

If at first you don’t succeed, try, try again. Then quit. There’s no use being a damned fool about it.

The more time you spend in reporting on what you are doing, the less time you have to do it in. Stability is achieved when you spend all your time doing nothing but reporting on the nothing you are doing.

A bargain is something you don’t need at a price you can’t resist.

An egotist has one point in his favour – he doesn’t go round talking about other people.

Restarting System - Mouse Moved

In a Budapest zoo: Please do not feed the animals. If you have any suitable food, give it to the guard on duty.

“You have to be careful about being too careful” – Beryl Pfizer

Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying of nothing.

How do you sink an Irish Submarine? Knock on the hatch.

Marriage is a three-ring circus: engagement ring, wedding ring, and suffering.

Legend: a lie that has attained the dignity of age.

Most vegetarians look so much like the food they eat that they can be classified as cannibals.

To err is human – and to blame it on a computer is even more so.

For Sale: Parachute. Only used once, never opened, small stain.

I don’t enjoy computer jokes; not one bit.

“There is no reason anyone would want a computer in their home.” — Ken Olson, founder of Digital Equipment Corp., 1977.

How did Moses make his tea? Hebrews it.

Military intelligence is a contradiction in terms.

Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don’t.

We are going on a field trip to the Coca-Cola factory. I hope there are no pop quizzes.

Time flies like an arrow – fruit flies like a banana.

Sex on television can’t hurt you unless you fall off.

It used to be only death and taxes were inevitable. Now, of course, there’s shipping and handling, too.

Get a new car for your spouse – it’ll be a great trade!

There are very few personal problems that cannot be solved through a suitable application of high explosives.

Prediction is extremely difficult. Especially about the future.

How do you get an Irishman to burn his ear? Ring him up while he is ironing.

I always wanted to be a procrastinator, never got around to it though.

I hate women because they always know where things are.

Cheerfulness is contagious, but don’t wait to catch it from others. Be a carrier.

Mental Floss prevents Moral Decay.

Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy.

A diplomatic husband said to his wife, how do you expect me to remember your birthday when you never look any older?

Acupuncture is a jab well done.

Cleverly Disguised As A Responsible Adult.

If a job is worth doing well get someone else to do it.

Cole’s Law: Thinly sliced cabbage.

Man who run in front of car get tired.

I don’t suffer from stress. I’m a carrier.

I often quote myself; it adds spice to my conversation.

Hypochondria is the only disease I haven’t got.

“If women didn’t exist, all the money in the world would have no meaning.” – Aristotle Onassis

My husband says I never listen to him (at least I think that’s what he said)

Solitude is fine, but you need someone to tell you that solitude is fine.

Progress was all right. Only it went on too long.

There’s a difference between being open-minded and having a hole in your head

“The generation of random numbers is too important to be left to chance.” — Robert R. Coveyou, Oak Ridge National Laboratory.

Gossip: The art of saying nothing while leaving nothing unsaid.

The art of flying is to throw yourself at the ground and miss.

Murphy’s Golden Rule: Whoever has the gold makes the rules.

Pick your friends but not to pieces.

I took a speed reading course and read ‘War and Peace’ in twenty minutes. It involves Russia. Enough women for four.

When life hands you a lemon, make lemonade.

Why does Sea World have a seafood restaurant? I’m halfway through my fish burger and I realize, Oh my gosh... I could be eating a slow learner.

Once, during prohibition, I was forced to live for days on nothing but food and water.

In the beginning, God created earth and rested. Then God created man and rested. Then God created woman. Since then, neither God nor man has rested.

If life was fair, Elvis would be alive and all the impersonators would be dead.

If you don’t know where you are going, you will wind up somewhere else.

When Chemists die, they barium.

Leftists are among the first to speak of their rights.

Bachelors have consciences, married men have wives.

I know a guy who is addicted to brake fluid. He says he can stop anytime.

Always try to be modest and be proud of it!

A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a train stops. On my desk I have a workstation...

Instead of getting married again, I’m going to find a woman I don’t like and just give her a house.—Rod Stewart

You can say any foolish thing to a dog, and the dog will give you a look that says, “My God, you’re right! I never would’ve thought of that!”

Jokes about German sausage are the wurst.

Be careful when reading health books; you may die of a misprint.

If at first you don’t succeed, skydiving is not your sport.

How do you keep an Irishman busy? Write P.T.O on both sides of a piece of paper.

The shortest distance between two points is under construction.

When in doubt, mumble.

One of the greatest labour-saving inventions today is tomorrow.

If you’re not confused, you’re not paying attention.

Somewhere on this globe, every ten seconds, is a woman giving birth to a child. She must be found and stopped.

Artificial Intelligence is no match for Natural Stupidity.

Horn broken. Watch for finger. (on bumper sticker)

What’s another word for Thesaurus?

Snowmen fall from Heaven unassembled.

“I could tell that my parents hated me. My bath toys were a toaster and a radio” — Rodney Dangerfield

Streakers beware: Your end is in sight.

I think that’s how Chicago got started. A bunch of people in New York said, “Gee, I’m enjoying the crime and the poverty, but it just isn’t cold enough. Let’s go west.”—Richard Jeni

A study in the Washington Post says that women have better verbal skills than men. I just want to say to the authors of that study: “Duh.”— Conan O’Brien

As the light changed from red to green to yellow and back to red again, I sat there thinking about life. Was it nothing more than a bunch of honking and yelling? Sometimes it seemed that way.

Red Tape Holds Up New Bridge!

“You start coding. I’ll go find out what they want.” — Computer analyst to programmer

Stupidity is not a handicap. Park elsewhere!

Where there’s a will, I want to be in it.

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