Amusing Quotes & One-Liners — Ned Martin’s Amused

Amusing Quotes & One-Liners

I did a theatrical performance about puns. It was a play on words.

Cab drivers are living proof that practice does not make perfect.

A poor excuse is like an old bucket; doesn’t matter what shape it is in, as long as it holds water.

Hypochondria is the only disease I haven’t got.

You can say any foolish thing to a dog, and the dog will give you a look that says, “My God, you’re right! I never would’ve thought of that!”

Make sure your mind isn’t so open that your brains fall out.

Of course, we are all worms—but I like to think, at least, that I am a glow-worm. – Winston Churchill

Years ago fairy tales began with “Once upon a time...” Now it’s “If I am elected...”

I have gone to look for myself, if I should return before I get back, keep me here.

The earthquake in Washington obviously was the government’s fault.

“Reader, suppose you were an idiot. And suppose you were a member of Congress. But I repeat myself”. — Mark Twain

Everything you like is bad for you in some way.

One good turn gets most of the blankets.

I’d explain it to you, but your brain would explode.

A pessimist is a man who has been compelled to live with an optimist

Comedy is tragedy plus time.

Abel Tasman on discovering Tasmania, “Too far south for spices and too close to the rim of the earth to be inhabited by anything but freaks and monsters”

I started out with nothing, and I still have most of it.

Marriage is a three-ring circus: engagement ring, wedding ring, and suffering.

Women like silent men. They think they’re listening.

Mines are equal opportunity weapons.

A conclusion is simply the place where you got tired of thinking.

Life... I don’t get it...

My mind not only wanders, sometimes it leaves completely.

Tip the world over on its side and everything loose will land in Los Angeles.

Did you hear about the cross-eyed teacher who lost her job because she couldn’t control her pupils?

England has no kidney bank, but it does have a Liverpool.

“Inconceivable!” “I do not think that word means what you think it means.”

I wonder how much deeper would the ocean be without sponges.

I’m sorry; you cannot have an outlook on life because it isn’t responding. Microsoft apologises for any inconvenience.

There are 10 types of people in the world: Those who understand binary, and those who don’t.

Why does Sea World have a seafood restaurant? I’m halfway through my fish burger and I realize, Oh my gosh... I could be eating a slow learner.

The only perfect science is hindsight.

I’m out of my mind, but feel free to leave a message.

I laugh in the face of danger, except if I’m involved.

Don’t take life too seriously—you’ll never get out of it alive.

Consciousness: that annoying time between naps.

Men have a much better time of it than women; for one thing, they marry later; for another thing they die earlier.

I always wanted to be somebody, but I should have been more specific.

Everyone hates me because I’m paranoid.

If ever I get married again it would have to be under an anaesthetic.

Everything is possible; just not too probable.

Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?

Democracy is a process by which people are free to choose the man who will get the blame.

Tell me what you need, and I’ll tell you how to get along without it.

I used up all my sick days, so I’m calling in dead.

Cheerfulness is contagious, but don’t wait to catch it from others. Be a carrier.

Marriage changes passion... suddenly you’re in bed with a relative.

Last night I lay in bed looking up at the stars in the sky and I thought to myself, “Where the heck is the ceiling?”

A synonym is a word you use when you can’t spell the word you first thought of.

Time is a great teacher, but unfortunately it kills all its pupils.

Laughing stock: cattle with a sense of humour.

I don’t approve of political jokes... I’ve seen too many of them get elected.

111,111,111 x 111,111,111 = 12,345,678,987,654,321

Perhaps you’re diagonally parked in a parallel universe?

This girl said she recognized me from the vegetarian club, but I’d never met herbivore

I’m not afraid of heights, only widths.

Show me a piano falling down a mineshaft and I’ll show you A-flat minor.

Blessed are those who can laugh at themselves, they will never cease to be amused.

Whenever people agree with me, I always feel I must be wrong.

The man who fell into an upholstery machine is fully recovered.

Only a fool is astonished by the foolishness of humankind.

They say if you play a Microsoft CD backwards you hear satanic messages. That’s nothing, if you play it forwards it installs Windows.

I often quote myself; it adds spice to my conversation.

Madness takes its toll. Please have exact change.

The short fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.

It’s just a job. Grass grows, birds fly, waves pound the sand. I just beat people up. – Muhammad Ali

Confidence is the feeling you have before you understand the situation.

A hangover is the wrath of grapes.

He who laughs last thinks slowest.

Take my advice, I don’t use it anyway.

Nick Overruled - Democratic Majority Decision

A diplomatic husband said to his wife, how do you expect me to remember your birthday when you never look any older?

Outside a Hong Kong tailor shop: Ladies may have a fit upstairs.

“I wish everyone was peaceful. Then I could take over the planet with a butter knife”—Dogbert

A bird in the hand is safer than one overhead.

If everything is coming your way, you are probably in the wrong lane.

A great many people think they are thinking when they are merely rearranging their prejudices.

Smith & Wesson — the original point and click interface.

Nobody can be exactly like me. Even I have trouble doing it.

System Error - Windows Loaded

When I was a boy I was told that anybody could become president; I’m beginning to believe it.

One good thing about repeating your mistakes is that you know when to cringe.

What does a clock do when it’s hungry? It goes back four seconds.

If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?

Foolproof systems don’t take into account the ingenuity of fools.

“People who drink light beer don’t like the taste of beer; they just like to pee a lot” — Rodney Dangerfield

A bargain is something you don’t need at a price you can’t resist.

The secret of success is sincerity. Once you can fake that you’ve got it made.

At the age of six I wanted to be a cook. At seven I wanted to be Napoleon. And my ambition has been growing steadily ever since.

Does this smell like chloroform to you?

Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?

If vegetable oil comes from vegetables, where does baby oil come from?

Men don’t care what’s on TV. They only care what else is on TV.

Hemp is a herb. Bush is a dope.

“Einstein argued that there must be simplified explanations of nature, because God is not capricious or arbitrary. No such faith comforts the software engineer.” — Fred Brooks.

I like to start my periods with sentences.

The number of people watching you is directly proportional to the stupidity of your action.

My reality check just bounced.

An army of deer led by a lion is more to be feared than an army of lions led by a deer.

When in trouble, fear or doubt, run in circles, scream and shout.

The trouble with our times is that the future is not what it used to be.

Remember, half the people you know are below average.

Best way to get a man to do something, is to suggest they are too old for it.

I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.

In this world, nothing is certain but death and taxes. – Benjamin Franklin

Authority makes some people grow – and others just swell.

Quantum mechanics: The dreams stuff is made of.

According to recent study someone is run over by a car every 5 minutes in the city. You’d think the guy would have enough sense to get out of the street.

Someday we’ll look back on all this and plow into the back of a parked car.

Gossip: The art of saying nothing while leaving nothing unsaid.

Artificial Intelligence is no match for Natural Stupidity.

Someone sent me a postcard picture of the earth. On the back it said, “Wish you were here.”

Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

When your IQ reaches 80 –– sell.

Well if this is the wrong number, why did you answer it?

Everybody lies, but it doesn’t matter since nobody listens.

I majored in liberal arts. Will that be for here or to go?

I work hard because millions on welfare depend on me.

It is hard enough to remember my opinions, without also remembering my reasons for them!

It’s bad luck to be superstitious.

I don’t like people who take drugs... Customs Officers for example.

Statistics are like bikinis – What they reveal is suggestive, but what they conceal is vital.

For Sale: Parachute. Only used once, never opened, small stain.

When I’m not in my right mind, my left mind gets pretty crowded

The dumber people think you are, the more surprised they’re going to be when you kill them—Rodney Dangerfield

“Heavier-than-air flying machines are impossible.” — Lord Kelvin, president, Royal Society, 1895.

The scientific theory I like best is that the rings of Saturn are composed entirely of lost airline luggage.

“There are only two things that are infinite: the universe and human stupidity. And I’m not sure about the universe.” A. Einstein

“I’ve been on a calendar but I have never been on time” – Marilyn Monroe

I Haven’t Lost My Mind, It’s Backed Up On Disk Somewhere.

Roses are red, Violets are blue. In Soviet Russia, Poems write you.

“I’ve noticed that everyone who is for abortion has already been born.” – Ronald Reagan

Once, during prohibition, I was forced to live for days on nothing but food and water.

Connection Reset By Aboriginal With Wire Cutters

Anything that can become tangled around something else, will.

What hair color do they put on the driver’s licenses of bald men?

Seen it all, done it all, can’t remember most of it.

Time’s fun when you’re having flies... Kermit the Frog

Before you give a colleague a piece of your mind, be sure you can spare it.

He who smiles in a crisis has found someone to blame.

Don’t marry for money. You can borrow it cheaper.

Computers make it easy to do a lot of things, but most of the things that make it easier to do don’t need to be done.

Technology is a way of organizing the universe so that man doesn’t have to experience it.

Bachelors have consciences, married men have wives.

The things that come to those that wait may be the things left by those who got there first.

“Are you going to come quietly, or do I have to use earplugs?”—Vale Spike Milligan

I’m in no shape to exercise.

e=mc^2 where m = the number of cooks required to spoil the broth

How Many Roads Must A Man Travel Down Before He Admits He Is Lost?

You’re not drunk if you can lie on the floor without holding on.

“I would like to live in Manchester, England. The transition between Manchester and death would be unnoticeable”. — Mark Twain

“Managing senior programmers is like herding cats” — Dave Platt.

Oh, don’t fuss. I just cut myself. It’s no big deal,” REALLY MEANS, “I have actually severed a limb, but will bleed to death before I admit I’m hurt.”

When a clock is hungry, it goes back four seconds.

If all you have is a hammer, everything looks like a nail.

I installed a skylight in my apartment. The people who live above me are furious.


Everybody has a photographic memory. Some don’t have film.

If you try and don’t succeed, cheat. Repeat until caught. Then lie.

If you don’t know why I’m mad at you, then I’m certainly not going to tell you

I like children. Properly cooked.

Never put both feet in your mouth at the same time, because then you don’t have a leg to stand on.

If you can’t be kind, at least have the decency to be vague.

Pick your friends but not to pieces.

Man who eat many prunes get good run for money.

I don’t necessarily agree with everything I say.

Honesty is the best policy, but insanity is a better defence.

Honest criticism is hard to take, particularly from a relative, a friend, an acquaintance, or a stranger.

PMS jokes aren’t funny. Period.

You’re such an inspiration for the way I’ll never choose to be.

Anger is only one letter away from danger.

There are very few personal problems that cannot be solved through a suitable application of high explosives.

There’s a fine line between genius and insanity. I have erased this line.

Partying... oops No Only Parting... sorry

Lord, if you won’t make me skinny, please make all my friends fat.

I haven’t spoken to my wife for 18 months: I don’t like to interrupt her.

My favorite mythical creature? The honest politician.

Climbers aim for the summit because it is there. Bungi jumpers dive off the top because they aren’t all there.

It’s important to be open-minded, but not SO open-minded that your brains fall out.

Don’t be irreplaceable; if you cannot be replaced, you cannot be promoted.

“Auntie Em: hate you, hate Kansas, taking the dog.” – Dorothy

Knowledge is the key, but where is the damn lock?

Everybody is ignorant, only on different subjects.

My one regret in life is that I am not someone else.

There are only three kinds of people; people who can count and people who can’t.

The early bird gets the worm, but the early worm gets eaten.

Why is the third hand on the watch called a second hand?

Why is it that doctors call what they do “practice”?

Macho Law prohibits me from admitting I’m wrong.

I was the next door kid’s imaginary friend.

A person who smiles in the face of adversity... probably has a scapegoat.

I’ve always wanted to be normal, but lately I’ve come to suspect that this is it.

Hard work never killed anybody but why take the chance?

A committee is a body that keeps minutes and wastes hours.

Snowmen fall from Heaven unassembled.

I spent most of my money on booze, drugs and women... The rest I wasted!

Work: It isn’t just for sleeping anymore.

I don’t believe in astrology. I am a Sagittarius and we’re very skeptical. ~ Arthur C. Clarke

How do you know if a fish is Irish? It has drowned.

“This ‘telephone’ has too many shortcomings to be seriously considered as a means of communication.” — Western Union internal memo, 1876.

“I am not worried about the deficit. It is big enough to take care of itself.” – Ronald Reagan

In the beginning, there was nothing. Then God said, “Let there be light,” and there was still nothing, but you could see it.

Alcohol: the cause of, and solution to, all of life’s problems.

They say you only use ten percent of your brain. What about the other ten?

Mind like a steel trap – rusty and illegal in most states.

I’m reading a book about anti-gravity. I can’t put it down.

Time flies like an arrow – fruit flies like a banana.

Support bacteria – they’re the only culture some people have.

This comment is printed on 100% recycled electrons.

“I’d rather have a bottle in front of me, than a frontal lobotomy”. — Tom Waits

How can you come out of a closet if you never went in there in the first place?

I used to be apathetic, but now I don’t give a damn.

If we don’t succeed, we run the risk of failure.

Conscience is the inner voice warning us that someone may be looking.

Why is it that to stop Windows, you have to click on “Start”?

It’s not that I’m afraid to die; I just don’t want to be there when it happens.

The amount of work to be done increases in proportion to the amount of work already completed. — VAIL’S SECOND AXIOM

Success always occurs in private, and failure in full public view.

An egotist has one point in his favour – he doesn’t go round talking about other people.

Connection Reset - Insufficient Electrons

Don’t talk unless you can improve the silence.

Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy.

Programmer – A red-eyed, mumbling mammal capable of conversing with inanimate objects.

Whenever I feel like exercise, I lie down until the feeling passes.

My husband says I never listen to him (at least I think that’s what he said)

If money talks, it ain’t on speakin’ terms with me.

The second day of a diet is alway easier than the first. By the second day, you’re off it.

Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.

“When you starve with a tiger, the tiger starves last”. — Griffin’s Thought

I generally avoid temptation unless I can’t resist it.

I thought I wanted a career, turns out I just wanted paychecks.

Help Wanted: Telepath. You know where to apply.

Maybe I’m lucky to be going so slowly, because I may be going in the wrong direction.

Friends may come and go, but enemies accumulate

You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.

I can please only one person per day. Today is not your day. Tomorrow isn’t looking good either.

Accept that some days you’re the pigeon, and some days you’re the statue.

Living is not worth dying for.

What happens if you get scared half to death twice?

From the moment I picked your book up until I laid it down I was convulsed with laughter. Some day I intend reading it.

“Always in motion the future is. Seasick it makes me. That’s why so green I am”. – Yoda

Always do sober what you said you’d do drunk. That will teach you to keep your mouth shut.

What’s another word for Thesaurus?

I used to think I was indecisive, but now I’m not sure.

The illegal we do immediately. The unconstitutional takes a little longer. – Henry Kissinger

Being in the army is like being in the Boy Scouts, except that the Boy Scouts have adult supervision.

Is Disney World the only people trap operated by a mouse?

In a Copenhagen airline ticket office: We take your bags and send them in all directions.

I am obviously right, and as you disagree with me, then logically you must be wrong.

Outside of a dog, a book is probably man’s best friend, and inside of a dog, it’s too dark to read.

Ours is a world where people don’t know what they want and are willing to go through hell to get it.

If it’s 0 degrees today and it’s going to be twice as cold tomorrow... how cold will it be?

Vote for the man who promises least; he’ll be the least disappointing.

Having more money doesn’t make you happier. I have 50 million dollars but I’m just as happy as when I had 48 million. ~ Arnold Schwarzenegger.

Succeed in spite of management. Aim Low; Reach Your Goals, Avoid Disappointment.

Sheep don’t fly so much as plummet.

Early to rise, early to bed, makes a man healthy but socially dead.

Save the whales. Collect the whole set.

Remember half the people you know are below average.

Never buy a car you can’t push.

Be kind to your dentist. He has fillings, too.

“A patriot must always be ready to defend his country against his government”. — Edward Abbey

It is a fitting irony that under Richard Nixon, ‘launder’ became a dirty word.

In democracy it’s your vote that counts. In feudalism it’s your count that votes.

Originality is the fine art of remembering what you hear, but forgetting where you heard it.

All those who believe in psycho kinesis raise my hand.

Eschew obfuscation.

Age always corresponds inversely to the size of your multivitamin.

Broken pencils are pointless.

If you think nobody cares if you’re alive, try missing a couple of car payments.

Needing someone is like needing a parachute. If he isn’t there the first time you need him, chances are you won’t be needing him again.

Restarting System - Mouse Moved

If you don’t pay your exorcist you get repossessed.

Optimists believe we live on the greatest world. Pessimists believe this is true.

Shin: a device for finding furniture in the dark.

Plagiarism saves time.

Cluster bombing from B-52s is very, very accurate – the bombs always hit the ground.

I got a job at a bakery because I kneaded dough.

You have to stay in shape. My grandmother, she started walking five miles a day when she was 60. She’s 97 today and we don’t know where the hell she is.

I am free of all prejudices. I hate everyone equally.

Arguing on the Internet is like competing in the Special Olympics – even if you win, you are still retarded.

As the light changed from red to green to yellow and back to red again, I sat there thinking about life. Was it nothing more than a bunch of honking and yelling? Sometimes it seemed that way.

All my life, I always wanted to be somebody. Now I see that I should have been more specific.

If sex is such a natural phenomenon, how come there are so many books on how to do it.

What do you call a dinosaur with an extensive vocabulary? A thesaurus.

Is there life before death?

In a Norwegian cocktail lounge: Ladies are requested not to have children in the bar.

“When in doubt tell the truth.”—Mark Twain

“Blink your eyelids periodically to lubricate your eyes.” — Page 16 of the HP “Environmental, Health Safety Handbook for Employees”.

Man who drive like hell bound to get there.

Constipated People Don’t Give A Crap.

Seeing a murder on television...will help work off one’s antagonisms. And if you haven’t any antagonisms, the commercials will give you some.

Why were the Indians here first? They had reservations.

Bacteria: the only culture some people have.

Bigamy is having one wife too many. Monogamy is the same. – Oscar Wilde

One should forgive one’s enemies, but not before they are hanged.

The world is full of willing people; some willing to work, the rest willing to let them.

Why is it called tourist season if we can’t shoot at them?

Whenever there is any doubt, there is no doubt.

Hope sees the invisible, feels the intangible and achieves the impossible.

I’m desperately trying to figure out why kamikaze pilots wore helmets.

“They say hard work never hurt anybody, but I figure why take the chance.” – Ronald Reagan

At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be “What is hell?” Come early and listen to our choir practice.

Ninety-nine per cent of the people in the world are fools and the rest of us are in great danger of contagion.

The art of flying is to throw yourself at the ground and miss.

I don’t suffer from stress. I’m a carrier.

Some people are alive only because it’s illegal to kill them.

Horn broken. Watch for finger. (on bumper sticker)

We Quit Voting Will They All Go Away?

There are two kinds of people, those who finish what they start, and so on.

Procrastinate Now!

Leftists are among the first to speak of their rights.

“How can a president not be an actor?” – when asked “How could an actor become president?” – Ronald Reagan

If you can’t dazzle them with brilliance... just baffle them with bullsh*t.

Cheer up, the worst is yet to come.

Character is what you are in the dark.

A penny saved is a Congressional spending oversight.

When Chemists die, they barium.

A procrastinator’s work is never done.

Promises are like babies: fun to make, but hell to deliver.

Money can’t buy happiness, but it sure makes misery easier to live with.

It is hard to understand how a cemetery raised its burial charges and blamed it on the cost of living.

Love is blind, but marriage is a real eye-opener.

A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat.

“A girl phoned me the other day and said... Come on over, there’s nobody home. I went over. Nobody was home” — Rodney Dangerfield

System Error - Windows Loaded

I don’t enjoy computer jokes; not one bit.

Cleverly Disguised As A Responsible Adult.

It is said that if you line up all the cars in the world end to end, someone would be stupid enough to try and pass them.

Be thankful for problems. If they were less difficult, someone with less ability might have your job.

Love is like an hourglass, with the heart filling up as the brain empties.

A dog that attends a flea circus most likely will steal the whole show.

As long as there are tests, there will be prayer in public schools.

Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7th of your life.

“I have left orders to be awakened at any time in case of national emergency – even if I’m in a Cabinet meeting.” – Ronald Reagan

Murphy’s Golden Rule: Whoever has the gold makes the rules.

My life has a superb cast but I can’t figure out the plot.

This guy walks into a bar and the barman says “Ouch, that must have hurt”

Booze is the answer. I don’t remember the question.

Marriage is not a word; it is a sentence.

If at first you do succeed, try to hide your astonishment.

Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying of nothing.

Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.

My girlfriend told me I should be more affectionate. So I got two more girlfriends.

“You have to be careful about being too careful” – Beryl Pfizer

A bird does not sing because it has an answer—it sings because it has a song.

I married my wife for her looks... but not the ones she’s been giving me lately!

Prediction is extremely difficult. Especially about the future.

Honk if you love peace and quiet.

Man does not live by words alone, despite the fact that sometimes he has to eat them.

Under capitalism, man exploits man. Under Communism, it’s just the opposite.

If a man opens a car door for a woman, either the car is new or the woman.

“This report, by its very length, defends itself against the risk of being read”. — Winston Churchill

Be careful when reading health books; you may die of a misprint.

What sane person could live in this world and not be crazy?

What Has Four Legs And An Arm? A Happy Pit Bull.

I changed my iPod’s name to Titanic. It’s syncing now.

Some people say that I must be a horrible person, but that’s not true. I have the heart of a young boy – in a jar on my desk.

Raising teenagers is like trying to nail Jell-O to a tree.

It doesn’t matter what temperature the room is; it’s always room temperature.

The beatings will continue until morale improves.

Youth would be an ideal state if it came a little later in life.

Being a philosopher, I have a problem for every solution.

Democracy is a government where you can say what you think even if you don’t think.

Go the extra mile. It makes your boss look like an incompetent slacker.

When I was young, I could remember anything. Whether it happened or not.

I didn’t like my beard at first. Then it grew on me.

If we learn by our mistakes, some of us are getting one hell of an education!

The most powerful force in the universe is gossip.

Killed - Personality Incompatibility

“You start coding. I’ll go find out what they want.” — Computer analyst to programmer

If you want your spouse to listen and pay strict attention to every word you say, talk in your sleep.

I have had more trouble with myself than with any other man I’ve met.

Don’t Be Sexist – Broads Hate That.

God must love stupid people, he made so many.

Without question, the greatest invention in the history of mankind is beer. Oh, I grant you that the wheel was also a fine invention, but the wheel does not go nearly as well with pizza.

Remember... Marriage is the number one cause of divorce. Statistically, 100% of all divorces started with marriage.

Progress was all right. Only it went on too long.

Why do we wash bath towels, aren’t we clean when we use them?

The truth is a precious commodity. That’s why I use it so sparingly.

Cole’s Law: Thinly sliced cabbage.

If you’re born again, do you have two bellybuttons?

If it weren’t for electricity we’d all be watching television by candlelight?

Always remember you’re unique, just like everyone else.

Laugh at your problems; everybody else does.

If trees could scream, would we be so cavalier about cutting them down? We might, if they screamed all the time, for no good reason.

We’ve made great medical progress in the last generation. What used to be merely an itch is now an allergy.

Anyone who told you to be yourself couldn’t have given you worse advice.

I Refuse To Have A Battle Of Wits With An Unarmed Person.

I’ve been trying for some time to develop a life style that doesn’t require my presence.

If it’s true that we are here to help others, then what exactly are the others here for?

“My wife made me join a bridge club. I jump off next Tuesday” — Rodney Dangerfield

If you choke a smurf, what colour does it turn?

He’s so lazy. I’ve seen him step into a revolving door and wait.

“#define QUESTION ((bb) || !(bb))” — Shakespeare

No problem is so big and complicated that it can’t be ran away from.

The chance of a piece of bread falling with the buttered side down is directly proportional to the cost of the carpet.

He who trains his tongue to quote the learned sages, will be known far and wide as a smart ass.

Does your train of thought have a caboose?

A backwards poet writes inverse.

I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.

If you’re not confused, you’re not paying attention.

One martini is all right, two is too many, and three is not enough.

I used to be a banker, but then I lost interest.

Don’t look back. Something may be gaining on you.

Confidence is the feeling you have before you understand the situation

The human brain is a wonderful thing. It starts working the moment you are born, and never stops until you stand up to speak in public.

“Thinking is the hardest work there is, which is probably why so few engage in it”. — Henry Ford

Next time you wave, use all your fingers.

Just remember... if the world didn’t suck, we’d all fall off.

I am a nobody, nobody is perfect, therefore I’m perfect.

Smoking cures weight problems...eventually...

This mind intentionally left blank

If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?

Bacteria: the only culture some people have.

The shortest distance between two points is under construction.

Even crime wouldn’t pay if the government ran it.

To succeed in politics, it is often necessary to rise above your principles.

There are two kinds of people, those who finish what they start, and so on.

“If carrots are so good for the eyes, how come I see so many dead rabbits on the highway?”

You can always spot a well-informed man – his views are the same as yours.

Lead us not into temptation. Just tell us where it is; we’ll find it.

What do you call a dinosaur with an extensive vocabulary? A thesaurus.

I’m not dumb; I just have a command of thoroughly useless information.

If a woman has to choose between catching a fly ball and saving an infant’s life, she will choose to save the infant’s life without even considering if there is a man on base.—Dave Barry

There are three ways to get something done: do it yourself, hire someone, or forbid your kids to do it.

I take everything I can for my kleptomania.

We spend the first twelve months of our children’s lives teaching them to walk and talk and the next twelve telling them to sit down and shut up.

When in doubt, mumble.

Why don’t you ever see the headline “Psychic Wins Lottery”?

The day I can’t do my job drunk is the day I turn in my badge and gun.

I have spent my whole life looking for the perfect woman, and now I’ve found her. Too bad she’s looking for the perfect man.

“My computer NEVER loc

I think that’s how Chicago got started. A bunch of people in New York said, “Gee, I’m enjoying the crime and the poverty, but it just isn’t cold enough. Let’s go west.”—Richard Jeni

Modesty is a virtue of fools.

If puns were outlawed, only outlaws would have puns.

Never underestimate the power of very stupid people in large groups.

In the beginning, God created earth and rested. Then God created man and rested. Then God created woman. Since then, neither God nor man has rested.

“Hey, I’ve got reasons for what I’m doing,” REALLY MEANS, “I sure hope I think of some pretty soon.”

Get a new car for your spouse – it’ll be a great trade!

If you don’t learn to laugh at troubles, you won’t have anything to laugh at when you grow old.

If at first you don’t succeed, try, try again. Then quit. There’s no use being a damned fool about it.

Time is God’s way of keeping everything from happening at once.

Insanity is hereditary; you can get it from your children.

Democracy is the recurrent suspicion that more than half of the people are right more than half of the time.

Not all men are annoying. Some are dead.

There is no such thing as an underestimate of average intelligence

You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say will be misquoted then used against you.

I’d give my right arm to be ambidextrous.

Don’t use a big word where a diminutive one will suffice.

People can be divided into three groups: Those who make things happen, those who watch things happen, and those who wonder what happened.

Plato is dead, Einstein is dead, and I’m not feeling too good myself...

I love deadlines. I especially like the whooshing sound they make as they go flying by.

Anything not nailed down is mine. Anything I can pry loose is not nailed down.

Experience is simply the name we give our mistakes.

Man shoots neighbour with machete [The Miami Herald, July 3]

“There is no reason anyone would want a computer in their home.” — Ken Olson, founder of Digital Equipment Corp., 1977.

You’ll never get to heaven if you’re scared of getting high.

Marathon runners with bad footwear suffer the agony of defeat.

“Oh dear,” said God, “I hadn’t thought of that,” and promptly vanished in a puff of logic.

The trouble with jogging is that, by the time you realise you’re not in shape for it, it’s far too far to walk back.

Proofread carefully to see if you any words out.

If a President doesn’t do it to his wife, he’ll do it to his country.

How did Moses make his tea? Hebrews it.

I couldn’t repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.

To err is human – and to blame it on a computer is even more so.

Some people are alive only because it’s illegal to kill them.

I get enough exercise just pushing my luck.

Men’s faults are many, women have only two. Everything they say, and everything they do.

How do you get an Irishman to burn his ear? Ring him up while he is ironing.

Acupuncture is a jab well done.

Humour. It is a difficult concept. It is not logical.

Nothing means nothing, but it isn’t really nothing because nothing is something that isn’t.

If olive oil comes from olives, where does baby oil come from?

To B or not to B? *kills the B* I HATE BEES!!!! – LynxofCP

I live in my own little world, but it’s ok they know me here.

Experience is something you do not get until just after you need it.

Latest survey shows that 3 out of 4 people make up 75% of the world’s population.

To define recursion, we must first define recursion.

On a tombstone: I TOLD YOU I WAS SICK

I heard a man say that brigands demand your money or your life, whereas women require both.

I can resist everything except temptation.

One day I will get this peer guy and reset his connection.

All the toilets in New York’s police stations have been stolen. The police have nothing to go on.

It used to be only death and taxes were inevitable. Now, of course, there’s shipping and handling, too.

Never go to a doctor whose office plants have died.

If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?

It’s easy to quit smoking... I’ve done it over 10,000 times.

For people who like peace and quiet – a phoneless cord.

Sometimes I think the surest sign that intelligent life exists elsewhere in the universe is that none of it has tried to contact us.

If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?

I fear my inferiority complex is not as good as yours.

Five out of four people have trouble with fractions.

There are 3 kinds of people: those who can count and those who can’t.

My husband and I divorced over religious differences... He thought he was God and I didn’t.

Make three correct guesses consecutively and you will establish yourself as an expert.

Somewhere on this globe, every ten seconds, is a woman giving birth to a child. She must be found and stopped.

What’s the definition of a will? (It’s a dead giveaway).

I stayed up all night to see where the sun went. Then it dawned on me.

Don’t stop to stomp on ants when the elephants are stampeding.

If the human brain were so simple that we could understand it, we would be so simple we couldn’t.

I hate women because they always know where things are.

“The object of war is not to die for your country but to make the other bastard die for his.” – General George Patton

I intend to live forever – so far, so good.

I envy people who drink – at least they know what to blame everything on.

You look like a million dollars. All green and wrinkled.

A study in the Washington Post says that women have better verbal skills than men. I just want to say to the authors of that study: “Duh.”— Conan O’Brien

Military intelligence is a contradiction in terms.

I love cats – they taste just like chicken.

How do I set a laser printer to stun?

I am amazed at radio DJ’s today. I am firmly convinced that AM on my radio stands for Absolute Moron. I will not begin to tell you what FM stands for.

I have noticed that the people who are late are often so much jollier that the people who have to wait for them.

“I have never let my schooling interfere with my education.”—Mark Twain

I’m an idealist: I don’t know where I’m going, but I’m on my way.

“Few things are harder to put up with than a good example.”—Mark Twain

Errors have been made. Others will be blamed.

Anyone can admit they were wrong; the true test is admitting it to someone else.

Velcro — what a rip off!

When life hands you a lemon, make lemonade.

Always try to be modest and be proud of it!

If at first you don’t succeed, try management.

History will be kind to me for I intend to write it. – Winston Churchill

I have great faith in fools; my friends call it self-confidence.

Instead of getting married again, I’m going to find a woman I don’t like and just give her a house.—Rod Stewart

If you want a committed man, look in a mental hospital.

The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.

It’s not true that married men live longer than single men. It only seems longer.

Applying computer technology is simply finding the right wrench to pound in the correct screw.

I used to be a Kleptomaniac, But now I’m taking something for it

It is not my interest to pay the principal, nor my principal to pay the interest.

What if there were no hypothetical questions?

Santa’s helpers are subordinate clauses.

“Every mighty oak was once just a nut who stood his ground.”

Just because you’re not paranoid doesn’t mean they’re not out to get you.

If the world should blow itself up, the last audible voice would be that of an expert saying it can’t be done.

I’d like to see things your way, but I’m looking in another direction.

Man who run in front of car get tired.

If you can’t convince them, confuse them.

I think, therefore I am single.

Work expands to fill the time available. — PARKINSON’S LAW

Well, this day was a total waste of makeup.

If Bill Gates had a nickel for every time Windows crashed... oh wait, he does.

I’m not into working out. My philosophy: No pain, no pain.

Just because your head is the biggest doesn’t mean it contains the right ideas.

Age is a question of mind over matter. If you don’t mind, it don’t matter.

If at first you don’t succeed, skydiving is not your sport.

Doctor, Doctor You’ve got to help me – I just can’t stop my hands shaking. Do you drink a lot? Not really – I spill most of it!

It’s hard to face the problem, when the problem is your face.

This Would Be Really Funny If It Weren’t Happening To Me.

Half of being smart is knowing what you are dumb at.

“You, you and you: panic. The rest of you, come with me.”

One of the greatest labour-saving inventions today is tomorrow.

If at first you don’t succeed, destroy all the evidence that you tried.

Be nice to your kids. They’ll choose your nursing home.

Tips for Vegetarians: Hit a chicken enough times and it turns into a vegetable.

Some people are going to leave a mark on this world, while others will leave a stain.

If you can’t convince them, confuse them.

A printer consists of three main parts: the case, the jammed paper tray and the blinking red light

I either want less corruption, or more chance to participate in it.

If automobiles had followed the same development cycle as the computer, a Rolls Royce would today cost $100, get a million miles per gallon, and explode once a year, killing everyone inside.

He does the work of three men: Larry, Moe and Curly.

I used to find him boring until I stopped listening.

Half our life is spent trying to find something to do with the time we have rushed through life trying to save.

If I’d known I was going to live this long, I’d have taken better care of myself.

Doctor, Doctor I keep getting pains in the eye when I drink coffee. Have you tried taking the spoon out?

If I were two-faced, would I be wearing this one?

On the keyboard of life, always keep one finger on the escape key.

I love being married. It’s so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.

“Banking establishments are more dangerous than standing armies”. — Thomas Jefferson

When all other means of communication fail, try words.

Slow is when someone laps you in the hundred-yard dash

“War does not determine who is right - only who is left.” – Bertrand Russell

Eat a live toad first thing in the morning, and nothing worse can happen to you the rest of the day.

Every morning is the dawn of a new error.

Even paranoids have real enemies.

Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian any more than going to the garage makes you a car.

A baby sitter is a teenager acting like an adult while the adults are out acting like teenagers.

Some pain is physical, and some is mental, but one that’s both is dental.

A team effort is a lot of people doing what I say

An Apple a day keeps the doctor away. But... an onion a day keeps everyone away.

Money is better than poverty, if only for financial reasons.

When angry count four, when very angry, swear.

I don’t want to achieve immortality through my work. I want to achieve immortality through not dying.

Brain: an apparatus with which we think we think.

Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.

I’m an apathetic sociopath – I’d kill you if I cared.

A dyslexic man walks into a bra.

It is a small world, but I wouldn’t like to have to paint it.

Who is General Failure and why is he reading my hard disk?

Never argue with an idiot. They drag you down to their level then beat you with experience.

Time sneaks up on you like a windshield on a bug.

I hope that after I die, people will say of me: “That guy sure owed me a lot of money.”

Men are from earth. Women are from earth. Deal with it.

The trouble with the rat race is that even if you win, you’re still a rat.

Half of the people in the world are below average.

IRS: We’ve got what it takes to take what you’ve got.

I love work; it fascinates me; I can sit and watch it for hours.

In a Tokyo shop: Our nylons cost more than common, but you’ll find they are best in the long run.

Solitude is fine, but you need someone to tell you that solitude is fine.

When you come to a fork in the road, take it.

A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a train stops. On my desk I have a workstation...

Blessed are the young, for they shall inherit the national debt.

A soldier who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran.

Mental Floss prevents Moral Decay.

Laugh and the world laughs with you; snore and you sleep alone.

If you can’t beat your computer at chess, try kickboxing.

Never put off until tomorrow what you can avoid altogether.

“If women didn’t exist, all the money in the world would have no meaning.” – Aristotle Onassis

It is wiser to find out than to suppose.—Mark Twain

Birthdays are good for you. Statistics show that the people who have the most live the longest.

Genius is 1% inspiration, and 99% perspiration.

Quantum: Noun, word used to sound like I know what I’m talking about while discussing physics I’ve never actually studied.

Sheep don’t fly so much as plummet.

Money is flat and meant to be piled up. – Scottish Proverb

When you get a bladder infection, urine trouble.

I have kleptomania, but when it gets bad, I take something for it. ~ Robert Benchle

Moderation in all things, including moderation.

I married Miss Right. I just didn’t know her first name was Always.

I always wanted to be a procrastinator, never got around to it though.

If the French were really intelligent, they’d speak English.

Stupidity is not a handicap. Park elsewhere!

An egotist is a person of low taste—more interested in himself than in me.

Anywhere is walking distance, if you’ve got the time.

After all is said and done, more is said than done.

I guess traffic in the city is improving a little. Yesterday, I drove clear across town and only had to shave twice.

In a Budapest zoo: Please do not feed the animals. If you have any suitable food, give it to the guard on duty.

If I were someone who knew something, who could I tell that would believe me?

Advertisement for donkey rides in Thailand: Would you like to ride on your own ass?

Impotence: Nature’s Way Of Saying “No Hard Feelings”.

The surprising thing about young fools is how many survive to become old fools.

The light at the end of the tunnel has been turned off due to budget cuts.

If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?

I wondered why the baseball was getting bigger. Then it hit me.

Two strings walk into a bar. The first string says to the bartender, “Bartender, I’ll have a beer. u.5n$x5t?*&4ru!2[sACCErJ”. The second string says, “Pardon my friend, he isn’t NULL terminated”.

“How come we choose from just two people to run for president and 50 for Miss America?”

Men occasionally stumble over the truth, but most of them pick themselves up and hurry off as if nothing had happened. – Winston Churchill

If you don’t know where you are going, you might wind up someplace else.

If At First You Don’t Succeed... Blame Someone Else And Seek Counseling.

Warning: Dates in Calendar are closer than they appear.

Where do you find an Irish woodworm? Dead inside a brick.

Shin: a device for finding furniture in the dark.

Before marriage, a man yearns for the woman he loves. After marriage, the ‘Y’ becomes silent.

Eagles may soar, but weasels don’t get sucked into jet engines.

It is well to remember the entire population of the universe, with one trifling exception, is composed of others.

If someone with multiple personalities threatens suicide... is it considered a hostage situation?

How do you keep an Irishman busy? Write P.T.O on both sides of a piece of paper.

The doctor can bury his mistakes but an architect can only advise his client to plant vines.

Brilliant, but with the social skills of a thermonuclear device.

The more time you spend in reporting on what you are doing, the less time you have to do it in. Stability is achieved when you spend all your time doing nothing but reporting on the nothing you are doing.

“I could tell that my parents hated me. My bath toys were a toaster and a radio” — Rodney Dangerfield

On the plus side, death is one of the few things that can be done just as easily as lying down.

I plead contemporary insanity.

Age is a very high price to pay for maturity.

I took an IQ test and the results were negative.

I tried to photograph the fog, but I mist.

Fundamentalism: Believe in a kind, loving God or we’ll kill you!

Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?

He often broke into song because he couldn’t find the key.

How do you spot an Irishman at a carwash? He’s the one on the bike.

I think animal testing is a terrible idea; they get all nervous and give the wrong answers.

In elementary school, in case of fire, you have to line up quietly in a single file line from smallest to tallest. What is the logic? Do tall people burn slower?

“I think there is a world market for maybe five computers.” — Thomas Watson, chairman of IBM, 1943.

Streakers beware: Your end is in sight.

Keyboard not detected. Press F1 to continue

Most vegetarians look so much like the food they eat that they can be classified as cannibals.

If life was fair, Elvis would be alive and all the impersonators would be dead.

“There are two major products that come out of Berkeley: LSD and UNIX. We don’t believe this to be a coincidence.” — Jeremy S. Anderson

If con is the opposite of pro, congress is the opposite of progress.

“On two occasions I have been asked [by members of Parliament!]: ‘Pray, Mr. Babbage, if you put into the machine wrong figures, will the right answers come out ?’ I am not able rightly to apprehend the kind of confusion of ideas that could provoke such a question.” — Charles Babbage.

I had some words with my wife, and she had some paragraphs with me.

A drop of ink may make a million think.

Compromise: the art of dividing a cake so that everybody believes he or she got the biggest piece.

Chaos, panic, & disorder – my work here is done.

A day without sun shine is like, you know, night.

“I believe in equality for everyone, except reporters and photographers”. — Gandhi

If people concentrated on the really important things in life, there’d be a shortage of fishing poles.

“If builders built buildings the way programmers write programs, then the first woodpecker that came along would destroy civilization” — Weinberg’s Second Law.

The sooner you fall behind the more time you’ll have to catch up.

I have the body of a GOD – Buddha.

No sense being pessimistic, it probably wouldn’t work anyway.

If I have to work for an idiot, I might as well work for myself.

Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way when you criticize them, you are a mile away from them and you have their shoes.

Well, if I called the wrong number, why did you answer the phone?

Sex on television can’t hurt you unless you fall off.

Life is complex: it has real and imaginary parts.

Englishmen never will be slaves: they are free to do whatever the Government and public opinion allow them to do.

It’s strange, isn’t it. You stand in the middle of a library and go aaaaagghhhh’ and everyone just stares at you. But you do the same thing on an aeroplane, and everyone joins in.

People with narrow minds usually have broad tongues.

“Then he ran into my knife. He ran into my knife ten times.” – Chicago

Two signs from a Majorcan shop entrance: English well speaking / Here speeching American.

He’s not dead, he’s electroencephalographically challenged.

If a job is worth doing well get someone else to do it.

Anything’s possible... apart from skiing through a revolving door.

I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol.

To find out a girl’s faults, praise her to her girl friends.

I dropped out of communism class because of lousy Marx.

“Reading computer manuals without the hardware is as frustrating as reading sex manuals without the software.” — Arthur C. Clarke.

Hang in there; retirement is only thirty years away.

I majored in liberal arts. Will that be for here or to go?

There are two types of people in this world, good and bad. The good sleep better, but the bad seem to enjoy the waking hours much more.

If quizzes are quizzical, what are tests?

“Everyday I beat my own previous record for number of consecutive days I’ve stayed alive.”

I wished the buck stopped here, as I could use a few.

By the time a man realises that his father was right, he has a son who thinks he’s wrong.

If you don’t know where you are going, you will wind up somewhere else.

Caution – Driver Legally Blonde!

We must believe in free will, we have no choice.

A bachelor is a man who comes to work from a different direction each morning.

All men are equal. Some are just more equal than others.

There is nothing so annoying as to have two people go right on talking when you’re interrupting.

Venison for dinner again? Oh deer!

Eagles may soar, but weasels don’t get sucked into jet engines.

Lots of people know a good thing the minute the other fellow sees it first.

Politicians are people who, when they see the light at the end of the tunnel, go out and buy more tunnel.

I used to think I was indecisive, but now I’m not sure.

Anything not nailed down is a cat toy.

How do you sink an Irish Submarine? Knock on the hatch.

People who think they know everything are annoying to those of us who do.

When he first ran for office, he appealed to the voters: “I never stole anything in my life. All I ask is a chance.”

Any ship can be a minesweeper... once.

I took a speed reading course and read ‘War and Peace’ in twenty minutes. It involves Russia. Enough women for four.

A clean tie attracts the soup of the day.

You have the right to your opinions. I just don’t want to hear them.

I want to die peacefully in my sleep like my grandfather, not screaming in abject horror like his passengers.

I was at a bar nursing a beer. My nipple was getting quite soggy.

I thought I made a mistake once, but I was wrong.

“Your mouse has moved. Windows must be restarted for the change to take effect. Reboot now ? [OK]”

Haunted French pancakes give me the crêpes.

In the office of a Roman doctor: Specialist in women and other diseases.

I spilled spot remover on my dog. Now he’s gone.

If you do not make dust, you eat dust.

My parents stayed together for forty years, but that was out of spite.

Every time I look at you I get a fierce desire to be lonesome.

Bachelors know more about women than married men; if they didn’t they’d be married too.

My mind works like lightning. One brilliant flash and it is gone.

In a Rome laundry: Ladies, leave your clothes here and spend the afternoon having a good time.

Despite the cost of living it’s still very popular.

When you do not know what you are doing, do it neatly.

Chipped dishes never break.

Everyone needs belief in something. I believe I’ll have another beer.

The only reason some people get lost in thought is because it’s unfamiliar territory.

Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.

Those who can laugh without cause have either found the true meaning of happiness or have gone stark raving mad.

Remember the teakettle; though up to its neck in hot water, it continues to sing.

I don’t have an attitude problem. You have a perception problem.

Being single is like a vacuum. It sucks when you are turned on.

People don’t grow up; they just learn how to act in public.

Isn’t having a smoking section in a restaurant like having a peeing section in a swimming pool?

I am not a vegetarian because I love animals; I am a vegetarian because I hate plants.

Jack and Jill did it for the insurance.

There’s a difference between being open-minded and having a hole in your head

The only difference between Genius and Insanity... is success.

That which cannot be taken apart will fall apart.

I know a guy who is addicted to brake fluid. He says he can stop anytime.

Energizer Bunny arrested: Charged with battery.

“Things are more like they are now than they ever were before.” – Former U.S. President Dwight D. Eisenhower

The dictionary is the only place where success comes before work.

TEAMWORK... means never having to take all the blame yourself.

“The best thing about the future is that it comes only one day at a time.” – Abraham Lincoln

My schoolmates would make love to anything that moved, but I never saw any reason to limit myself.

I don’t suffer from stress. I’m a carrier.

If it weren’t for the last minute, nothing would ever get done.

Pardon my driving, I am reloading.

We are going on a field trip to the Coca-Cola factory. I hope there are no pop quizzes.

I don’t meet competition. I crush it

Don’t use a big word where a diminutive one will suffice.

“You can always count on Americans to do the right thing—after they’ve tried everything else” – Winston Churchill

“He has been given a large brain by mistake, since for him the spinal cord would fully suffice.” — Albert Einstein

It is not what a teenager knows that bothers his parents. It is how he found out.

The best computer is a man, and it’s the only one that can be mass-produced by unskilled labour.

On the other hand you have different fingers.

Man who run behind car get exhausted.

Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

Any task worth doing was worth doing yesterday.

I tried sniffing Coke once, but the ice cubes got stuck in my nose.

Why is the man that invests your money called a broker?

I’m quite easy to get along with, once you learn to beckon at my every call and yield to all my desires.

If you’re not wasted, the day is.

We waste time, so you don’t have to.

It has recently been discovered that research causes cancer in rats.

Jokes about German sausage are the wurst.

Legend: a lie that has attained the dignity of age.

“The web is a dominatrix. Every where I turn, I see little buttons ordering me to Submit.” — Nytwind.

AIBOHPHOBIA – the fear of palindromes.

Life is far too important to be taken seriously.

Red Tape Holds Up New Bridge!

Ever stop to think and forget to start again?

The fellow who thinks he knows it all is especially annoying to those of us who do.

You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They left a little note on the windscreen, it said ‘Parking Fine.’

Am I getting smart with you? How would you know?

Jokes about German sausage are the wurst.

There’s a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot.

Heck is where people go who don’t believe in gosh.

As a final incentive before giving up a difficult task, try to imagine it successfully accomplished by someone you violently dislike.

Allow me to introduce my selves.

“C++ : Where friends have access to your private members.” — Gavin Russell Baker.

When you are arguing with an idiot, make sure the other person isn’t doing the same thing.

I have a simple philosophy. Fill what’s empty. Empty what’s full. Scratch where it itches.

Sometimes I wake up grumpy; other times I let her sleep

Where there’s a will, I want to be in it.

I don’t have a solution but I admire the problem.

Where you stand depends on where you sit.

It is even harder for the average ape to believe that he has descended from man.

I stayed up all night to see where the sun went. Then it dawned on me.

Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don’t.

A conscience does not prevent sin. It only prevents you from enjoying it.

If we aren’t supposed to eat animals, why are they made of meat?

“I worked in a pet shop and people kept asking how big I’d get” — Rodney Dangerfield

I arise in the morning torn between a desire to improve the world and a desire to enjoy the world. This makes it hard to plan the day.

Wine divulges truth.

Borrow money from pessimists- they don’t expect to get it back.

Youth is a wonderful thing. What a crime to waste it on children.

They told me I had type A blood, but it was a Type O

Early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.

“The generation of random numbers is too important to be left to chance.” — Robert R. Coveyou, Oak Ridge National Laboratory.

The trouble with life is there’s no background music.

We have two ends. One for sitting and one for thinking. Our success depends on which one we use most.

Age is an issue of mind over matter. If you don’t mind, it doesn’t matter.

Get even – live long enough to be a problem to your kids.

Everybody is ignorant, only on different subjects.

Good judgement comes from experience. Experience comes from bad judgement.

99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.

Stupidity is not a handicap! Park somewhere else!

A guy got arrested for playing the guitar. He was fingering a minor.

The most precious thing we have is life. Yet it has absolutely no trade-in value.

An Irish man was driving to the airport when he saw a sign saying ‘Airport – Left’... So he went home.

I had amnesia once or twice.

A cartoonist was found dead in his home. Details are sketchy.

Illiterate? Write For Help.

Everybody is somebody else’s weirdo.

“As a matter of fact” is an expression that precedes many an expression that isn’t.

The difference between a stepping-stone and a stumbling block can be when you see it.

So Many Pedestrians – So Little Time.

“Life is a waste of time, time is a waste of life, so get wasted all of the time and have the time of your life”. — Tom Waits

I like kids, but I don’t think I could eat a whole one.

Plan to be spontaneous tomorrow.

“Always be sincere, even when you don’t mean it”. — Irene Peter

If you can stay calm, while all around you is chaos... then you probably haven’t completely understood the situation.

It’s not hard to meet expenses, they’re everywhere.

The sooner you fall behind the more time you’ll have to catch up.

You can’t have everything. Where would you put it?

Better to remain silent and be thought a fool, than to speak and remove all doubt.

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