Amusing Quotes & One-Liners — Ned Martin’s Amused

Amusing Quotes & One-Liners

Sex on television can’t hurt you unless you fall off.

Bacteria: the only culture some people have.

Technology is a way of organizing the universe so that man doesn’t have to experience it.

I can resist everything except temptation.

Blessed are those who can laugh at themselves, they will never cease to be amused.

It is wiser to find out than to suppose.—Mark Twain

At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be “What is hell?” Come early and listen to our choir practice.

Get a new car for your spouse – it’ll be a great trade!

I Haven’t Lost My Mind, It’s Backed Up On Disk Somewhere.

Why is the third hand on the watch called a second hand?

A guy got arrested for playing the guitar. He was fingering a minor.

Most vegetarians look so much like the food they eat that they can be classified as cannibals.

Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy.

If you can’t convince them, confuse them.

Arguing on the Internet is like competing in the Special Olympics – even if you win, you are still retarded.

Constipated People Don’t Give A Crap.

“Einstein argued that there must be simplified explanations of nature, because God is not capricious or arbitrary. No such faith comforts the software engineer.” — Fred Brooks.

Caution – Driver Legally Blonde!

There are very few personal problems that cannot be solved through a suitable application of high explosives.

On the plus side, death is one of the few things that can be done just as easily as lying down.

Computers make it easy to do a lot of things, but most of the things that make it easier to do don’t need to be done.

I can please only one person per day. Today is not your day. Tomorrow isn’t looking good either.

Well if this is the wrong number, why did you answer it?

It’s not that I’m afraid to die; I just don’t want to be there when it happens.

One martini is all right, two is too many, and three is not enough.

Vote for the man who promises least; he’ll be the least disappointing.

Half our life is spent trying to find something to do with the time we have rushed through life trying to save.

I am obviously right, and as you disagree with me, then logically you must be wrong.

Cleverly Disguised As A Responsible Adult.

What’s another word for Thesaurus?

What hair color do they put on the driver’s licenses of bald men?

You can always spot a well-informed man – his views are the same as yours.

Haunted French pancakes give me the crêpes.

A backwards poet writes inverse.

I have noticed that the people who are late are often so much jollier that the people who have to wait for them.

Half of the people in the world are below average.

If At First You Don’t Succeed... Blame Someone Else And Seek Counseling.

I love deadlines. I especially like the whooshing sound they make as they go flying by.

Instead of getting married again, I’m going to find a woman I don’t like and just give her a house.—Rod Stewart

It’s bad luck to be superstitious.

Every time I look at you I get a fierce desire to be lonesome.

It’s hard to face the problem, when the problem is your face.

If a job is worth doing well get someone else to do it.

A conclusion is simply the place where you got tired of thinking.

Connection Reset By Aboriginal With Wire Cutters

Velcro — what a rip off!

“War does not determine who is right - only who is left.” – Bertrand Russell

A diplomatic husband said to his wife, how do you expect me to remember your birthday when you never look any older?

Work expands to fill the time available. — PARKINSON’S LAW

Better to remain silent and be thought a fool, than to speak and remove all doubt.

Being single is like a vacuum. It sucks when you are turned on.

If at first you do succeed, try to hide your astonishment.

Needing someone is like needing a parachute. If he isn’t there the first time you need him, chances are you won’t be needing him again.

If I’d known I was going to live this long, I’d have taken better care of myself.

I don’t have an attitude problem. You have a perception problem.

Why does Sea World have a seafood restaurant? I’m halfway through my fish burger and I realize, Oh my gosh... I could be eating a slow learner.

“Blink your eyelids periodically to lubricate your eyes.” — Page 16 of the HP “Environmental, Health Safety Handbook for Employees”.

Character is what you are in the dark.

Marriage is not a word; it is a sentence.

Don’t look back. Something may be gaining on you.

Even paranoids have real enemies.

“You can always count on Americans to do the right thing—after they’ve tried everything else” – Winston Churchill

Quantum mechanics: The dreams stuff is made of.

“People who drink light beer don’t like the taste of beer; they just like to pee a lot” — Rodney Dangerfield

“My wife made me join a bridge club. I jump off next Tuesday” — Rodney Dangerfield

I married Miss Right. I just didn’t know her first name was Always.

How Many Roads Must A Man Travel Down Before He Admits He Is Lost?

In a Tokyo shop: Our nylons cost more than common, but you’ll find they are best in the long run.

I’m not into working out. My philosophy: No pain, no pain.

I used to think I was indecisive, but now I’m not sure.

Cheer up, the worst is yet to come.

Foolproof systems don’t take into account the ingenuity of fools.

Stupidity is not a handicap. Park elsewhere!

Sheep don’t fly so much as plummet.

Well, if I called the wrong number, why did you answer the phone?

I’m reading a book about anti-gravity. I can’t put it down.

My reality check just bounced.

I’d give my right arm to be ambidextrous.

I love cats – they taste just like chicken.

Nothing means nothing, but it isn’t really nothing because nothing is something that isn’t.

Ever stop to think and forget to start again?

“I think there is a world market for maybe five computers.” — Thomas Watson, chairman of IBM, 1943.

I want to die peacefully in my sleep like my grandfather, not screaming in abject horror like his passengers.

Killed - Personality Incompatibility

If you don’t know where you are going, you will wind up somewhere else.

When I’m not in my right mind, my left mind gets pretty crowded

I’m desperately trying to figure out why kamikaze pilots wore helmets.

Eat a live toad first thing in the morning, and nothing worse can happen to you the rest of the day.

I either want less corruption, or more chance to participate in it.

Brain: an apparatus with which we think we think.

I thought I wanted a career, turns out I just wanted paychecks.

“I have left orders to be awakened at any time in case of national emergency – even if I’m in a Cabinet meeting.” – Ronald Reagan

Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?

Everybody is ignorant, only on different subjects.

I Refuse To Have A Battle Of Wits With An Unarmed Person.

If you think nobody cares if you’re alive, try missing a couple of car payments.

“Always be sincere, even when you don’t mean it”. — Irene Peter

A synonym is a word you use when you can’t spell the word you first thought of.

The things that come to those that wait may be the things left by those who got there first.

It’s important to be open-minded, but not SO open-minded that your brains fall out.

Money is flat and meant to be piled up. – Scottish Proverb

Of course, we are all worms—but I like to think, at least, that I am a glow-worm. – Winston Churchill

As a final incentive before giving up a difficult task, try to imagine it successfully accomplished by someone you violently dislike.

You’ll never get to heaven if you’re scared of getting high.

Anywhere is walking distance, if you’ve got the time.

How can you come out of a closet if you never went in there in the first place?

They say if you play a Microsoft CD backwards you hear satanic messages. That’s nothing, if you play it forwards it installs Windows.

Allow me to introduce my selves.

The most precious thing we have is life. Yet it has absolutely no trade-in value.

I thought I made a mistake once, but I was wrong.

To err is human – and to blame it on a computer is even more so.

I don’t like people who take drugs... Customs Officers for example.

Partying... oops No Only Parting... sorry

Laughing stock: cattle with a sense of humour.

Everybody lies, but it doesn’t matter since nobody listens.

Get even – live long enough to be a problem to your kids.

The fellow who thinks he knows it all is especially annoying to those of us who do.

Applying computer technology is simply finding the right wrench to pound in the correct screw.

Authority makes some people grow – and others just swell.

Knowledge is the key, but where is the damn lock?

Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7th of your life.

A baby sitter is a teenager acting like an adult while the adults are out acting like teenagers.

If the world should blow itself up, the last audible voice would be that of an expert saying it can’t be done.

Only a fool is astonished by the foolishness of humankind.

Living is not worth dying for.

The day I can’t do my job drunk is the day I turn in my badge and gun.

There is nothing so annoying as to have two people go right on talking when you’re interrupting.

I used to think I was indecisive, but now I’m not sure.

If it’s true that we are here to help others, then what exactly are the others here for?

Murphy’s Golden Rule: Whoever has the gold makes the rules.

You’re not drunk if you can lie on the floor without holding on.

Programmer – A red-eyed, mumbling mammal capable of conversing with inanimate objects.

Does this smell like chloroform to you?

“Things are more like they are now than they ever were before.” – Former U.S. President Dwight D. Eisenhower

Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

This girl said she recognized me from the vegetarian club, but I’d never met herbivore

Never underestimate the power of very stupid people in large groups.

If olive oil comes from olives, where does baby oil come from?

Does your train of thought have a caboose?

Men occasionally stumble over the truth, but most of them pick themselves up and hurry off as if nothing had happened. – Winston Churchill

The sooner you fall behind the more time you’ll have to catch up.

Whenever people agree with me, I always feel I must be wrong.

How do you spot an Irishman at a carwash? He’s the one on the bike.

I get enough exercise just pushing my luck.

If the French were really intelligent, they’d speak English.

Optimists believe we live on the greatest world. Pessimists believe this is true.

Insanity is hereditary; you can get it from your children.

“You, you and you: panic. The rest of you, come with me.”

Everyone hates me because I’m paranoid.

I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.

Eagles may soar, but weasels don’t get sucked into jet engines.

How do I set a laser printer to stun?

The world is full of willing people; some willing to work, the rest willing to let them.

History will be kind to me for I intend to write it. – Winston Churchill

Just because your head is the biggest doesn’t mean it contains the right ideas.

My life has a superb cast but I can’t figure out the plot.

I used to be apathetic, but now I don’t give a damn.

e=mc^2 where m = the number of cooks required to spoil the broth

“Oh dear,” said God, “I hadn’t thought of that,” and promptly vanished in a puff of logic.

Bacteria: the only culture some people have.

AIBOHPHOBIA – the fear of palindromes.

Roses are red, Violets are blue. In Soviet Russia, Poems write you.

Years ago fairy tales began with “Once upon a time...” Now it’s “If I am elected...”

If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?

The second day of a diet is alway easier than the first. By the second day, you’re off it.

If I were someone who knew something, who could I tell that would believe me?

If someone with multiple personalities threatens suicide... is it considered a hostage situation?

I always wanted to be a procrastinator, never got around to it though.

This Would Be Really Funny If It Weren’t Happening To Me.

Shin: a device for finding furniture in the dark.

A bird does not sing because it has an answer—it sings because it has a song.

A poor excuse is like an old bucket; doesn’t matter what shape it is in, as long as it holds water.

He who laughs last thinks slowest.

The best computer is a man, and it’s the only one that can be mass-produced by unskilled labour.

If you choke a smurf, what colour does it turn?

I changed my iPod’s name to Titanic. It’s syncing now.

How do you sink an Irish Submarine? Knock on the hatch.

I heard a man say that brigands demand your money or your life, whereas women require both.

Smoking cures weight problems...eventually...

We’ve made great medical progress in the last generation. What used to be merely an itch is now an allergy.

Five out of four people have trouble with fractions.

Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.

Everyone needs belief in something. I believe I’ll have another beer.

I arise in the morning torn between a desire to improve the world and a desire to enjoy the world. This makes it hard to plan the day.

Is there life before death?

Quantum: Noun, word used to sound like I know what I’m talking about while discussing physics I’ve never actually studied.

You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say will be misquoted then used against you.

When you get a bladder infection, urine trouble.

Next time you wave, use all your fingers.

“My computer NEVER loc

The amount of work to be done increases in proportion to the amount of work already completed. — VAIL’S SECOND AXIOM

Age is an issue of mind over matter. If you don’t mind, it doesn’t matter.

I am not a vegetarian because I love animals; I am a vegetarian because I hate plants.

There are two types of people in this world, good and bad. The good sleep better, but the bad seem to enjoy the waking hours much more.

In democracy it’s your vote that counts. In feudalism it’s your count that votes.

I’m in no shape to exercise.

Gossip: The art of saying nothing while leaving nothing unsaid.

I took an IQ test and the results were negative.

“You start coding. I’ll go find out what they want.” — Computer analyst to programmer

All those who believe in psycho kinesis raise my hand.

A bachelor is a man who comes to work from a different direction each morning.

An army of deer led by a lion is more to be feared than an army of lions led by a deer.

Birthdays are good for you. Statistics show that the people who have the most live the longest.

“Thinking is the hardest work there is, which is probably why so few engage in it”. — Henry Ford

“I have never let my schooling interfere with my education.”—Mark Twain

Just because you’re not paranoid doesn’t mean they’re not out to get you.

I’d like to see things your way, but I’m looking in another direction.

We Quit Voting Will They All Go Away?

Marriage is a three-ring circus: engagement ring, wedding ring, and suffering.

Mind like a steel trap – rusty and illegal in most states.

Life is far too important to be taken seriously.

How did Moses make his tea? Hebrews it.

99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.

Doctor, Doctor I keep getting pains in the eye when I drink coffee. Have you tried taking the spoon out?

You’re such an inspiration for the way I’ll never choose to be.

The trouble with jogging is that, by the time you realise you’re not in shape for it, it’s far too far to walk back.

I take everything I can for my kleptomania.

There are three ways to get something done: do it yourself, hire someone, or forbid your kids to do it.

The chance of a piece of bread falling with the buttered side down is directly proportional to the cost of the carpet.

I don’t approve of political jokes... I’ve seen too many of them get elected.

How do you keep an Irishman busy? Write P.T.O on both sides of a piece of paper.

Cluster bombing from B-52s is very, very accurate – the bombs always hit the ground.

Sometimes I think the surest sign that intelligent life exists elsewhere in the universe is that none of it has tried to contact us.

Youth is a wonderful thing. What a crime to waste it on children.

I majored in liberal arts. Will that be for here or to go?

Stupidity is not a handicap! Park somewhere else!

One should forgive one’s enemies, but not before they are hanged.

In a Budapest zoo: Please do not feed the animals. If you have any suitable food, give it to the guard on duty.

Last night I lay in bed looking up at the stars in the sky and I thought to myself, “Where the heck is the ceiling?”

I often quote myself; it adds spice to my conversation.

Macho Law prohibits me from admitting I’m wrong.

The surprising thing about young fools is how many survive to become old fools.

I don’t believe in astrology. I am a Sagittarius and we’re very skeptical. ~ Arthur C. Clarke

I laugh in the face of danger, except if I’m involved.

“This report, by its very length, defends itself against the risk of being read”. — Winston Churchill

Climbers aim for the summit because it is there. Bungi jumpers dive off the top because they aren’t all there.

If you don’t learn to laugh at troubles, you won’t have anything to laugh at when you grow old.

Time’s fun when you’re having flies... Kermit the Frog

I hope that after I die, people will say of me: “That guy sure owed me a lot of money.”

Red Tape Holds Up New Bridge!

I had amnesia once or twice.

“Reading computer manuals without the hardware is as frustrating as reading sex manuals without the software.” — Arthur C. Clarke.

“When you starve with a tiger, the tiger starves last”. — Griffin’s Thought

Broken pencils are pointless.

If you try and don’t succeed, cheat. Repeat until caught. Then lie.

When you come to a fork in the road, take it.

If you want a committed man, look in a mental hospital.

I don’t enjoy computer jokes; not one bit.

“Heavier-than-air flying machines are impossible.” — Lord Kelvin, president, Royal Society, 1895.

Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?

“I wish everyone was peaceful. Then I could take over the planet with a butter knife”—Dogbert

Snowmen fall from Heaven unassembled.

Warning: Dates in Calendar are closer than they appear.

When you are arguing with an idiot, make sure the other person isn’t doing the same thing.

I don’t want to achieve immortality through my work. I want to achieve immortality through not dying.

We are going on a field trip to the Coca-Cola factory. I hope there are no pop quizzes.

Democracy is the recurrent suspicion that more than half of the people are right more than half of the time.

Time is God’s way of keeping everything from happening at once.

“How can a president not be an actor?” – when asked “How could an actor become president?” – Ronald Reagan

He often broke into song because he couldn’t find the key.

“Auntie Em: hate you, hate Kansas, taking the dog.” – Dorothy

If money talks, it ain’t on speakin’ terms with me.

Cab drivers are living proof that practice does not make perfect.

I’ve always wanted to be normal, but lately I’ve come to suspect that this is it.

Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.

Where there’s a will, I want to be in it.

Be thankful for problems. If they were less difficult, someone with less ability might have your job.

“When in doubt tell the truth.”—Mark Twain

Some people are alive only because it’s illegal to kill them.

Youth would be an ideal state if it came a little later in life.

I fear my inferiority complex is not as good as yours.

Modesty is a virtue of fools.

I love being married. It’s so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.

Promises are like babies: fun to make, but hell to deliver.

“Always in motion the future is. Seasick it makes me. That’s why so green I am”. – Yoda

Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?

I don’t suffer from stress. I’m a carrier.

If a man opens a car door for a woman, either the car is new or the woman.

From the moment I picked your book up until I laid it down I was convulsed with laughter. Some day I intend reading it.

I was at a bar nursing a beer. My nipple was getting quite soggy.

The trouble with our times is that the future is not what it used to be.

Connection Reset - Insufficient Electrons

Those who can laugh without cause have either found the true meaning of happiness or have gone stark raving mad.

The sooner you fall behind the more time you’ll have to catch up.

I like children. Properly cooked.

Don’t be irreplaceable; if you cannot be replaced, you cannot be promoted.

I’m sorry; you cannot have an outlook on life because it isn’t responding. Microsoft apologises for any inconvenience.

Prediction is extremely difficult. Especially about the future.

Oh, don’t fuss. I just cut myself. It’s no big deal,” REALLY MEANS, “I have actually severed a limb, but will bleed to death before I admit I’m hurt.”

If you can’t be kind, at least have the decency to be vague.

Plato is dead, Einstein is dead, and I’m not feeling too good myself...

On the keyboard of life, always keep one finger on the escape key.

Support bacteria – they’re the only culture some people have.

On the other hand you have different fingers.

Money is better than poverty, if only for financial reasons.

Friends may come and go, but enemies accumulate

Why were the Indians here first? They had reservations.

One good thing about repeating your mistakes is that you know when to cringe.

If I have to work for an idiot, I might as well work for myself.

Hope sees the invisible, feels the intangible and achieves the impossible.

I wished the buck stopped here, as I could use a few.

The dumber people think you are, the more surprised they’re going to be when you kill them—Rodney Dangerfield

Outside of a dog, a book is probably man’s best friend, and inside of a dog, it’s too dark to read.

Best way to get a man to do something, is to suggest they are too old for it.

The short fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.

When all other means of communication fail, try words.

Plagiarism saves time.

I’m out of my mind, but feel free to leave a message.

Hang in there; retirement is only thirty years away.

Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian any more than going to the garage makes you a car.

After all is said and done, more is said than done.

Without question, the greatest invention in the history of mankind is beer. Oh, I grant you that the wheel was also a fine invention, but the wheel does not go nearly as well with pizza.

I like to start my periods with sentences.

Artificial Intelligence is no match for Natural Stupidity.

Love is blind, but marriage is a real eye-opener.

What sane person could live in this world and not be crazy?

Hypochondria is the only disease I haven’t got.

Money can’t buy happiness, but it sure makes misery easier to live with.

“You have to be careful about being too careful” – Beryl Pfizer

All the toilets in New York’s police stations have been stolen. The police have nothing to go on.

Whenever there is any doubt, there is no doubt.

Procrastinate Now!

Be nice to your kids. They’ll choose your nursing home.

Not all men are annoying. Some are dead.

Anything not nailed down is a cat toy.

“C++ : Where friends have access to your private members.” — Gavin Russell Baker.

It has recently been discovered that research causes cancer in rats.

Englishmen never will be slaves: they are free to do whatever the Government and public opinion allow them to do.

England has no kidney bank, but it does have a Liverpool.

“There are only two things that are infinite: the universe and human stupidity. And I’m not sure about the universe.” A. Einstein

There’s a fine line between genius and insanity. I have erased this line.

In the beginning, God created earth and rested. Then God created man and rested. Then God created woman. Since then, neither God nor man has rested.

A procrastinator’s work is never done.

Even crime wouldn’t pay if the government ran it.

Pardon my driving, I am reloading.

I tried sniffing Coke once, but the ice cubes got stuck in my nose.

Honk if you love peace and quiet.

A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a train stops. On my desk I have a workstation...

“I am not worried about the deficit. It is big enough to take care of itself.” – Ronald Reagan

I’m quite easy to get along with, once you learn to beckon at my every call and yield to all my desires.

Never go to a doctor whose office plants have died.

Help Wanted: Telepath. You know where to apply.

I wonder how much deeper would the ocean be without sponges.

Being a philosopher, I have a problem for every solution.

I’m not dumb; I just have a command of thoroughly useless information.

The light at the end of the tunnel has been turned off due to budget cuts.

Women like silent men. They think they’re listening.

You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.

According to recent study someone is run over by a car every 5 minutes in the city. You’d think the guy would have enough sense to get out of the street.

As long as there are tests, there will be prayer in public schools.

If Bill Gates had a nickel for every time Windows crashed... oh wait, he does.

I haven’t spoken to my wife for 18 months: I don’t like to interrupt her.

I have the body of a GOD – Buddha.

The secret of success is sincerity. Once you can fake that you’ve got it made.

Take my advice, I don’t use it anyway.

They told me I had type A blood, but it was a Type O

Life is complex: it has real and imaginary parts.

I plead contemporary insanity.

Don’t marry for money. You can borrow it cheaper.

I don’t meet competition. I crush it

My mind not only wanders, sometimes it leaves completely.

I spent most of my money on booze, drugs and women... The rest I wasted!

The illegal we do immediately. The unconstitutional takes a little longer. – Henry Kissinger

“I’d rather have a bottle in front of me, than a frontal lobotomy”. — Tom Waits

If all you have is a hammer, everything looks like a nail.

Jack and Jill did it for the insurance.

Wine divulges truth.

If it weren’t for the last minute, nothing would ever get done.

Mental Floss prevents Moral Decay.

Booze is the answer. I don’t remember the question.

I had some words with my wife, and she had some paragraphs with me.

Men don’t care what’s on TV. They only care what else is on TV.

You look like a million dollars. All green and wrinkled.

The beatings will continue until morale improves.

Be kind to your dentist. He has fillings, too.

I envy people who drink – at least they know what to blame everything on.

When he first ran for office, he appealed to the voters: “I never stole anything in my life. All I ask is a chance.”

“The best thing about the future is that it comes only one day at a time.” – Abraham Lincoln

To succeed in politics, it is often necessary to rise above your principles.

It used to be only death and taxes were inevitable. Now, of course, there’s shipping and handling, too.

This comment is printed on 100% recycled electrons.

It is even harder for the average ape to believe that he has descended from man.

That which cannot be taken apart will fall apart.

I am a nobody, nobody is perfect, therefore I’m perfect.

As the light changed from red to green to yellow and back to red again, I sat there thinking about life. Was it nothing more than a bunch of honking and yelling? Sometimes it seemed that way.

Plan to be spontaneous tomorrow.

If you don’t know why I’m mad at you, then I’m certainly not going to tell you

I always wanted to be somebody, but I should have been more specific.

Never argue with an idiot. They drag you down to their level then beat you with experience.

Good judgement comes from experience. Experience comes from bad judgement.

The only reason some people get lost in thought is because it’s unfamiliar territory.

Originality is the fine art of remembering what you hear, but forgetting where you heard it.

Humour. It is a difficult concept. It is not logical.

I majored in liberal arts. Will that be for here or to go?

What do you call a dinosaur with an extensive vocabulary? A thesaurus.

“If women didn’t exist, all the money in the world would have no meaning.” – Aristotle Onassis

Laugh and the world laughs with you; snore and you sleep alone.

We waste time, so you don’t have to.

Nobody can be exactly like me. Even I have trouble doing it.

“The generation of random numbers is too important to be left to chance.” — Robert R. Coveyou, Oak Ridge National Laboratory.

On a tombstone: I TOLD YOU I WAS SICK

I’m an apathetic sociopath – I’d kill you if I cared.

Isn’t having a smoking section in a restaurant like having a peeing section in a swimming pool?

Politicians are people who, when they see the light at the end of the tunnel, go out and buy more tunnel.

Where do you find an Irish woodworm? Dead inside a brick.

Smith & Wesson — the original point and click interface.

If at first you don’t succeed, try management.

Keyboard not detected. Press F1 to continue

I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol.

Compromise: the art of dividing a cake so that everybody believes he or she got the biggest piece.

Laugh at your problems; everybody else does.

“They say hard work never hurt anybody, but I figure why take the chance.” – Ronald Reagan

If it’s 0 degrees today and it’s going to be twice as cold tomorrow... how cold will it be?

It is hard to understand how a cemetery raised its burial charges and blamed it on the cost of living.

My parents stayed together for forty years, but that was out of spite.

Did you hear about the cross-eyed teacher who lost her job because she couldn’t control her pupils?

“I could tell that my parents hated me. My bath toys were a toaster and a radio” — Rodney Dangerfield

Is Disney World the only people trap operated by a mouse?

Despite the cost of living it’s still very popular.

Slow is when someone laps you in the hundred-yard dash

I think that’s how Chicago got started. A bunch of people in New York said, “Gee, I’m enjoying the crime and the poverty, but it just isn’t cold enough. Let’s go west.”—Richard Jeni

Venison for dinner again? Oh deer!

If a President doesn’t do it to his wife, he’ll do it to his country.

I generally avoid temptation unless I can’t resist it.

The dictionary is the only place where success comes before work.

There are 10 types of people in the world: Those who understand binary, and those who don’t.

Who is General Failure and why is he reading my hard disk?

Well, this day was a total waste of makeup.

What does a clock do when it’s hungry? It goes back four seconds.

Pick your friends but not to pieces.

Never put off until tomorrow what you can avoid altogether.

A dyslexic man walks into a bra.

I have great faith in fools; my friends call it self-confidence.

Blessed are the young, for they shall inherit the national debt.

No problem is so big and complicated that it can’t be ran away from.

If you don’t know where you are going, you might wind up someplace else.

Age is a question of mind over matter. If you don’t mind, it don’t matter.

For people who like peace and quiet – a phoneless cord.

It is not what a teenager knows that bothers his parents. It is how he found out.

How do you get an Irishman to burn his ear? Ring him up while he is ironing.

He who smiles in a crisis has found someone to blame.

Illiterate? Write For Help.

Jokes about German sausage are the wurst.

A bargain is something you don’t need at a price you can’t resist.

111,111,111 x 111,111,111 = 12,345,678,987,654,321

A cartoonist was found dead in his home. Details are sketchy.

Remember half the people you know are below average.

Before you give a colleague a piece of your mind, be sure you can spare it.

People don’t grow up; they just learn how to act in public.

If it weren’t for electricity we’d all be watching television by candlelight?

If you want your spouse to listen and pay strict attention to every word you say, talk in your sleep.

I spilled spot remover on my dog. Now he’s gone.

No sense being pessimistic, it probably wouldn’t work anyway.

Don’t use a big word where a diminutive one will suffice.

Military intelligence is a contradiction in terms.

INDECISION is the key to FLEXIBILITY.

This guy walks into a bar and the barman says “Ouch, that must have hurt”

Go the extra mile. It makes your boss look like an incompetent slacker.

Mines are equal opportunity weapons.

Democracy is a government where you can say what you think even if you don’t think.

Men have a much better time of it than women; for one thing, they marry later; for another thing they die earlier.

If you can stay calm, while all around you is chaos... then you probably haven’t completely understood the situation.

The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.

“Reader, suppose you were an idiot. And suppose you were a member of Congress. But I repeat myself”. — Mark Twain

“This ‘telephone’ has too many shortcomings to be seriously considered as a means of communication.” — Western Union internal memo, 1876.

I stayed up all night to see where the sun went. Then it dawned on me.

Latest survey shows that 3 out of 4 people make up 75% of the world’s population.

Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way when you criticize them, you are a mile away from them and you have their shoes.

Energizer Bunny arrested: Charged with battery.

There are 3 kinds of people: those who can count and those who can’t.

It’s strange, isn’t it. You stand in the middle of a library and go aaaaagghhhh’ and everyone just stares at you. But you do the same thing on an aeroplane, and everyone joins in.

When Chemists die, they barium.

If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?

It’s not true that married men live longer than single men. It only seems longer.

“Every mighty oak was once just a nut who stood his ground.”

There are only three kinds of people; people who can count and people who can’t.

Just remember... if the world didn’t suck, we’d all fall off.

Horn broken. Watch for finger. (on bumper sticker)

“#define QUESTION ((bb) || !(bb))” — Shakespeare

If vegetable oil comes from vegetables, where does baby oil come from?

“The web is a dominatrix. Every where I turn, I see little buttons ordering me to Submit.” — Nytwind.

The difference between a stepping-stone and a stumbling block can be when you see it.

If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?

Heck is where people go who don’t believe in gosh.

We spend the first twelve months of our children’s lives teaching them to walk and talk and the next twelve telling them to sit down and shut up.

If at first you don’t succeed, destroy all the evidence that you tried.

In the office of a Roman doctor: Specialist in women and other diseases.

Leftists are among the first to speak of their rights.

When angry count four, when very angry, swear.

The scientific theory I like best is that the rings of Saturn are composed entirely of lost airline luggage.

Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.

Solitude is fine, but you need someone to tell you that solitude is fine.

Love is like an hourglass, with the heart filling up as the brain empties.

“Few things are harder to put up with than a good example.”—Mark Twain

In the beginning, there was nothing. Then God said, “Let there be light,” and there was still nothing, but you could see it.

I used to be a Kleptomaniac, But now I’m taking something for it

I don’t suffer from stress. I’m a carrier.

Always try to be modest and be proud of it!

“There is no reason anyone would want a computer in their home.” — Ken Olson, founder of Digital Equipment Corp., 1977.

“I worked in a pet shop and people kept asking how big I’d get” — Rodney Dangerfield

A clean tie attracts the soup of the day.

I am amazed at radio DJ’s today. I am firmly convinced that AM on my radio stands for Absolute Moron. I will not begin to tell you what FM stands for.

Alcohol: the cause of, and solution to, all of life’s problems.

A dog that attends a flea circus most likely will steal the whole show.

Tips for Vegetarians: Hit a chicken enough times and it turns into a vegetable.

I did a theatrical performance about puns. It was a play on words.

People can be divided into three groups: Those who make things happen, those who watch things happen, and those who wonder what happened.

“He has been given a large brain by mistake, since for him the spinal cord would fully suffice.” — Albert Einstein

“Banking establishments are more dangerous than standing armies”. — Thomas Jefferson

Hemp is a herb. Bush is a dope.

The shortest distance between two points is under construction.

What do you call a dinosaur with an extensive vocabulary? A thesaurus.

If a woman has to choose between catching a fly ball and saving an infant’s life, she will choose to save the infant’s life without even considering if there is a man on base.—Dave Barry

“If carrots are so good for the eyes, how come I see so many dead rabbits on the highway?”

By the time a man realises that his father was right, he has a son who thinks he’s wrong.

I intend to live forever – so far, so good.

The number of people watching you is directly proportional to the stupidity of your action.

Early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.

In this world, nothing is certain but death and taxes. – Benjamin Franklin

Comedy is tragedy plus time.

Conscience is the inner voice warning us that someone may be looking.

I’ve been trying for some time to develop a life style that doesn’t require my presence.

I have a simple philosophy. Fill what’s empty. Empty what’s full. Scratch where it itches.

You can’t have everything. Where would you put it?

Anything’s possible... apart from skiing through a revolving door.

It’s just a job. Grass grows, birds fly, waves pound the sand. I just beat people up. – Muhammad Ali

If at first you don’t succeed, try, try again. Then quit. There’s no use being a damned fool about it.

“Everyday I beat my own previous record for number of consecutive days I’ve stayed alive.”

My mind works like lightning. One brilliant flash and it is gone.

Anyone who told you to be yourself couldn’t have given you worse advice.

Make sure your mind isn’t so open that your brains fall out.

To B or not to B? *kills the B* I HATE BEES!!!! – LynxofCP

Confidence is the feeling you have before you understand the situation.

All men are equal. Some are just more equal than others.

Being in the army is like being in the Boy Scouts, except that the Boy Scouts have adult supervision.

There’s a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot.

I’m not afraid of heights, only widths.

Eschew obfuscation.

Marriage changes passion... suddenly you’re in bed with a relative.

Two signs from a Majorcan shop entrance: English well speaking / Here speeching American.

One day I will get this peer guy and reset his connection.

Restarting System - Mouse Moved

A drop of ink may make a million think.

Age always corresponds inversely to the size of your multivitamin.

Sometimes I wake up grumpy; other times I let her sleep

Why is the man that invests your money called a broker?

Don’t stop to stomp on ants when the elephants are stampeding.

I live in my own little world, but it’s ok they know me here.

Chaos, panic, & disorder – my work here is done.

“There are two major products that come out of Berkeley: LSD and UNIX. We don’t believe this to be a coincidence.” — Jeremy S. Anderson

Why do we wash bath towels, aren’t we clean when we use them?

This mind intentionally left blank

When you do not know what you are doing, do it neatly.

Perhaps you’re diagonally parked in a parallel universe?

Maybe I’m lucky to be going so slowly, because I may be going in the wrong direction.

Why don’t you ever see the headline “Psychic Wins Lottery”?

“Your mouse has moved. Windows must be restarted for the change to take effect. Reboot now ? [OK]”

Why is it that to stop Windows, you have to click on “Start”?

An egotist has one point in his favour – he doesn’t go round talking about other people.

I don’t have a solution but I admire the problem.

Lead us not into temptation. Just tell us where it is; we’ll find it.

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The only difference between Genius and Insanity... is success.

Under capitalism, man exploits man. Under Communism, it’s just the opposite.

There’s a difference between being open-minded and having a hole in your head

I don’t necessarily agree with everything I say.

Marathon runners with bad footwear suffer the agony of defeat.

The most powerful force in the universe is gossip.

What if there were no hypothetical questions?

Seen it all, done it all, can’t remember most of it.

Man who eat many prunes get good run for money.

You have to stay in shape. My grandmother, she started walking five miles a day when she was 60. She’s 97 today and we don’t know where the hell she is.

Lord, if you won’t make me skinny, please make all my friends fat.

Shin: a device for finding furniture in the dark.

Time is a great teacher, but unfortunately it kills all its pupils.

Before marriage, a man yearns for the woman he loves. After marriage, the ‘Y’ becomes silent.

If you can’t beat your computer at chess, try kickboxing.

Experience is something you do not get until just after you need it.

If you do not make dust, you eat dust.

My husband and I divorced over religious differences... He thought he was God and I didn’t.

Borrow money from pessimists- they don’t expect to get it back.

Nick Overruled - Democratic Majority Decision

If you’re not confused, you’re not paying attention.

Lots of people know a good thing the minute the other fellow sees it first.

It’s not hard to meet expenses, they’re everywhere.

Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying of nothing.

When I was young, I could remember anything. Whether it happened or not.

I have had more trouble with myself than with any other man I’ve met.

“If builders built buildings the way programmers write programs, then the first woodpecker that came along would destroy civilization” — Weinberg’s Second Law.

He does the work of three men: Larry, Moe and Curly.

Save the whales. Collect the whole set.

I work hard because millions on welfare depend on me.

You can say any foolish thing to a dog, and the dog will give you a look that says, “My God, you’re right! I never would’ve thought of that!”

If trees could scream, would we be so cavalier about cutting them down? We might, if they screamed all the time, for no good reason.

Man who drive like hell bound to get there.

“On two occasions I have been asked [by members of Parliament!]: ‘Pray, Mr. Babbage, if you put into the machine wrong figures, will the right answers come out ?’ I am not able rightly to apprehend the kind of confusion of ideas that could provoke such a question.” — Charles Babbage.

I got a job at a bakery because I kneaded dough.

“I’ve noticed that everyone who is for abortion has already been born.” – Ronald Reagan

I tried to photograph the fog, but I mist.

If you can’t convince them, confuse them.

I love work; it fascinates me; I can sit and watch it for hours.

Why is it called tourist season if we can’t shoot at them?

Succeed in spite of management. Aim Low; Reach Your Goals, Avoid Disappointment.

Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.

The human brain is a wonderful thing. It starts working the moment you are born, and never stops until you stand up to speak in public.

Never put both feet in your mouth at the same time, because then you don’t have a leg to stand on.

If you’re born again, do you have two bellybuttons?

Streakers beware: Your end is in sight.

I like kids, but I don’t think I could eat a whole one.

“Then he ran into my knife. He ran into my knife ten times.” – Chicago

Ours is a world where people don’t know what they want and are willing to go through hell to get it.

Genius is 1% inspiration, and 99% perspiration.

A pessimist is a man who has been compelled to live with an optimist

If puns were outlawed, only outlaws would have puns.

Errors have been made. Others will be blamed.

When I was a boy I was told that anybody could become president; I’m beginning to believe it.

Time flies like an arrow – fruit flies like a banana.

“I’ve been on a calendar but I have never been on time” – Marilyn Monroe

Half of being smart is knowing what you are dumb at.

Don’t use a big word where a diminutive one will suffice.

One good turn gets most of the blankets.

It is well to remember the entire population of the universe, with one trifling exception, is composed of others.

Tip the world over on its side and everything loose will land in Los Angeles.

What happens if you get scared half to death twice?

When a clock is hungry, it goes back four seconds.

Am I getting smart with you? How would you know?

Bachelors have consciences, married men have wives.

For Sale: Parachute. Only used once, never opened, small stain.

I dropped out of communism class because of lousy Marx.

If people concentrated on the really important things in life, there’d be a shortage of fishing poles.

How do you know if a fish is Irish? It has drowned.

Where you stand depends on where you sit.

Early to rise, early to bed, makes a man healthy but socially dead.

Proofread carefully to see if you any words out.

If life was fair, Elvis would be alive and all the impersonators would be dead.

The earthquake in Washington obviously was the government’s fault.

Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don’t.

There are two kinds of people, those who finish what they start, and so on.

If we learn by our mistakes, some of us are getting one hell of an education!

Acupuncture is a jab well done.

Don’t take life too seriously—you’ll never get out of it alive.

“A girl phoned me the other day and said... Come on over, there’s nobody home. I went over. Nobody was home” — Rodney Dangerfield

“I would like to live in Manchester, England. The transition between Manchester and death would be unnoticeable”. — Mark Twain

I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.

Make three correct guesses consecutively and you will establish yourself as an expert.

Somewhere on this globe, every ten seconds, is a woman giving birth to a child. She must be found and stopped.

Having more money doesn’t make you happier. I have 50 million dollars but I’m just as happy as when I had 48 million. ~ Arnold Schwarzenegger.

A conscience does not prevent sin. It only prevents you from enjoying it.

Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

In a Copenhagen airline ticket office: We take your bags and send them in all directions.

I started out with nothing, and I still have most of it.

I took a speed reading course and read ‘War and Peace’ in twenty minutes. It involves Russia. Enough women for four.

I think animal testing is a terrible idea; they get all nervous and give the wrong answers.

I’d explain it to you, but your brain would explode.

I didn’t like my beard at first. Then it grew on me.

The trouble with the rat race is that even if you win, you’re still a rat.

It is said that if you line up all the cars in the world end to end, someone would be stupid enough to try and pass them.

I married my wife for her looks... but not the ones she’s been giving me lately!

Some people are going to leave a mark on this world, while others will leave a stain.

Success always occurs in private, and failure in full public view.

A team effort is a lot of people doing what I say

Once, during prohibition, I was forced to live for days on nothing but food and water.

It doesn’t matter what temperature the room is; it’s always room temperature.

Remember... Marriage is the number one cause of divorce. Statistically, 100% of all divorces started with marriage.

If you don’t pay your exorcist you get repossessed.

Jokes about German sausage are the wurst.

My one regret in life is that I am not someone else.

When life hands you a lemon, make lemonade.

Confidence is the feeling you have before you understand the situation

When your IQ reaches 80 –– sell.

A soldier who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran.

In elementary school, in case of fire, you have to line up quietly in a single file line from smallest to tallest. What is the logic? Do tall people burn slower?

“The object of war is not to die for your country but to make the other bastard die for his.” – General George Patton

An Apple a day keeps the doctor away. But... an onion a day keeps everyone away.

Doctor, Doctor You’ve got to help me – I just can’t stop my hands shaking. Do you drink a lot? Not really – I spill most of it!

“Inconceivable!” “I do not think that word means what you think it means.”

Fundamentalism: Believe in a kind, loving God or we’ll kill you!

There are two kinds of people, those who finish what they start, and so on.

If you can’t dazzle them with brilliance... just baffle them with bullsh*t.

My favorite mythical creature? The honest politician.

I guess traffic in the city is improving a little. Yesterday, I drove clear across town and only had to shave twice.

If everything is coming your way, you are probably in the wrong lane.

In a Norwegian cocktail lounge: Ladies are requested not to have children in the bar.

To find out a girl’s faults, praise her to her girl friends.

If ever I get married again it would have to be under an anaesthetic.

Man shoots neighbour with machete [The Miami Herald, July 3]

Tell me what you need, and I’ll tell you how to get along without it.

Cheerfulness is contagious, but don’t wait to catch it from others. Be a carrier.

Raising teenagers is like trying to nail Jell-O to a tree.

A bird in the hand is safer than one overhead.

Men are from earth. Women are from earth. Deal with it.

My husband says I never listen to him (at least I think that’s what he said)

Madness takes its toll. Please have exact change.

I stayed up all night to see where the sun went. Then it dawned on me.

I was the next door kid’s imaginary friend.

A person who smiles in the face of adversity... probably has a scapegoat.

I think, therefore I am single.

An egotist is a person of low taste—more interested in himself than in me.

Accept that some days you’re the pigeon, and some days you’re the statue.

Chipped dishes never break.

Some people say that I must be a horrible person, but that’s not true. I have the heart of a young boy – in a jar on my desk.

People who think they know everything are annoying to those of us who do.

I wondered why the baseball was getting bigger. Then it hit me.

To define recursion, we must first define recursion.

Age is a very high price to pay for maturity.

Sheep don’t fly so much as plummet.

If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?

Statistics are like bikinis – What they reveal is suggestive, but what they conceal is vital.

Show me a piano falling down a mineshaft and I’ll show you A-flat minor.

Man does not live by words alone, despite the fact that sometimes he has to eat them.

I used to be a banker, but then I lost interest.

I am free of all prejudices. I hate everyone equally.

So Many Pedestrians – So Little Time.

Cole’s Law: Thinly sliced cabbage.

Someday we’ll look back on all this and plow into the back of a parked car.

Whenever I feel like exercise, I lie down until the feeling passes.

Work: It isn’t just for sleeping anymore.

Some pain is physical, and some is mental, but one that’s both is dental.

Anyone can admit they were wrong; the true test is admitting it to someone else.

We must believe in free will, we have no choice.

I have gone to look for myself, if I should return before I get back, keep me here.

If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?

A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat.

I know a guy who is addicted to brake fluid. He says he can stop anytime.

Consciousness: that annoying time between naps.

What Has Four Legs And An Arm? A Happy Pit Bull.

“Are you going to come quietly, or do I have to use earplugs?”—Vale Spike Milligan

It is not my interest to pay the principal, nor my principal to pay the interest.

Don’t Be Sexist – Broads Hate That.

You have the right to your opinions. I just don’t want to hear them.

IRS: We’ve got what it takes to take what you’ve got.

Eagles may soar, but weasels don’t get sucked into jet engines.

TEAMWORK... means never having to take all the blame yourself.

Experience is simply the name we give our mistakes.

Always remember you’re unique, just like everyone else.

The early bird gets the worm, but the early worm gets eaten.

There is no such thing as an underestimate of average intelligence

Everybody has a photographic memory. Some don’t have film.

The more time you spend in reporting on what you are doing, the less time you have to do it in. Stability is achieved when you spend all your time doing nothing but reporting on the nothing you are doing.

God must love stupid people, he made so many.

Anger is only one letter away from danger.

He’s so lazy. I’ve seen him step into a revolving door and wait.

Outside a Hong Kong tailor shop: Ladies may have a fit upstairs.

“I believe in equality for everyone, except reporters and photographers”. — Gandhi

If the human brain were so simple that we could understand it, we would be so simple we couldn’t.

He who trains his tongue to quote the learned sages, will be known far and wide as a smart ass.

Any ship can be a minesweeper... once.

A penny saved is a Congressional spending oversight.

Everything is possible; just not too probable.

When in trouble, fear or doubt, run in circles, scream and shout.

Always do sober what you said you’d do drunk. That will teach you to keep your mouth shut.

He’s not dead, he’s electroencephalographically challenged.

The man who fell into an upholstery machine is fully recovered.

A study in the Washington Post says that women have better verbal skills than men. I just want to say to the authors of that study: “Duh.”— Conan O’Brien

Advertisement for donkey rides in Thailand: Would you like to ride on your own ass?

My girlfriend told me I should be more affectionate. So I got two more girlfriends.

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The art of flying is to throw yourself at the ground and miss.

Be careful when reading health books; you may die of a misprint.

The trouble with life is there’s no background music.

Everybody is ignorant, only on different subjects.

Man who run in front of car get tired.

Legend: a lie that has attained the dignity of age.

If I were two-faced, would I be wearing this one?

All my life, I always wanted to be somebody. Now I see that I should have been more specific.

I installed a skylight in my apartment. The people who live above me are furious.

If automobiles had followed the same development cycle as the computer, a Rolls Royce would today cost $100, get a million miles per gallon, and explode once a year, killing everyone inside.

The only perfect science is hindsight.

I have spent my whole life looking for the perfect woman, and now I’ve found her. Too bad she’s looking for the perfect man.

Time sneaks up on you like a windshield on a bug.

People with narrow minds usually have broad tongues.

Man who run behind car get exhausted.

PMS jokes aren’t funny. Period.

If con is the opposite of pro, congress is the opposite of progress.

Everything you like is bad for you in some way.

Two strings walk into a bar. The first string says to the bartender, “Bartender, I’ll have a beer. u.5n$x5t?*&4ru!2[sACCErJ”. The second string says, “Pardon my friend, he isn’t NULL terminated”.

You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They left a little note on the windscreen, it said ‘Parking Fine.’

If you’re not wasted, the day is.

I hate women because they always know where things are.

Bigamy is having one wife too many. Monogamy is the same. – Oscar Wilde

Democracy is a process by which people are free to choose the man who will get the blame.

A day without sun shine is like, you know, night.

It’s easy to quit smoking... I’ve done it over 10,000 times.

Hard work never killed anybody but why take the chance?

The truth is a precious commodity. That’s why I use it so sparingly.

My schoolmates would make love to anything that moved, but I never saw any reason to limit myself.

“As a matter of fact” is an expression that precedes many an expression that isn’t.

Anything that can become tangled around something else, will.

When in doubt, mumble.

The doctor can bury his mistakes but an architect can only advise his client to plant vines.

“Life is a waste of time, time is a waste of life, so get wasted all of the time and have the time of your life”. — Tom Waits

I couldn’t repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.

Any task worth doing was worth doing yesterday.

I used to find him boring until I stopped listening.

Why is it that doctors call what they do “practice”?

“How come we choose from just two people to run for president and 50 for Miss America?”

What’s the definition of a will? (It’s a dead giveaway).

Brilliant, but with the social skills of a thermonuclear device.

If at first you don’t succeed, skydiving is not your sport.

Anything not nailed down is mine. Anything I can pry loose is not nailed down.

A committee is a body that keeps minutes and wastes hours.

Honesty is the best policy, but insanity is a better defence.

At the age of six I wanted to be a cook. At seven I wanted to be Napoleon. And my ambition has been growing steadily ever since.

If we don’t succeed, we run the risk of failure.

“A patriot must always be ready to defend his country against his government”. — Edward Abbey

Santa’s helpers are subordinate clauses.

Never buy a car you can’t push.

Seeing a murder on television...will help work off one’s antagonisms. And if you haven’t any antagonisms, the commercials will give you some.

If quizzes are quizzical, what are tests?

Someone sent me a postcard picture of the earth. On the back it said, “Wish you were here.”

Don’t talk unless you can improve the silence.

I have kleptomania, but when it gets bad, I take something for it. ~ Robert Benchle

Remember the teakettle; though up to its neck in hot water, it continues to sing.

Bachelors know more about women than married men; if they didn’t they’d be married too.

It is hard enough to remember my opinions, without also remembering my reasons for them!

Ninety-nine per cent of the people in the world are fools and the rest of us are in great danger of contagion.

Abel Tasman on discovering Tasmania, “Too far south for spices and too close to the rim of the earth to be inhabited by anything but freaks and monsters”

An Irish man was driving to the airport when he saw a sign saying ‘Airport – Left’... So he went home.

If we aren’t supposed to eat animals, why are they made of meat?

I’m an idealist: I don’t know where I’m going, but I’m on my way.

We have two ends. One for sitting and one for thinking. Our success depends on which one we use most.

Honest criticism is hard to take, particularly from a relative, a friend, an acquaintance, or a stranger.

In a Rome laundry: Ladies, leave your clothes here and spend the afternoon having a good time.

Everybody is somebody else’s weirdo.

I used up all my sick days, so I’m calling in dead.

Remember, half the people you know are below average.

Some people are alive only because it’s illegal to kill them.

Progress was all right. Only it went on too long.

Moderation in all things, including moderation.

Men’s faults are many, women have only two. Everything they say, and everything they do.

They say you only use ten percent of your brain. What about the other ten?

If sex is such a natural phenomenon, how come there are so many books on how to do it.

It is a fitting irony that under Richard Nixon, ‘launder’ became a dirty word.

Life... I don’t get it...

Impotence: Nature’s Way Of Saying “No Hard Feelings”.

It is a small world, but I wouldn’t like to have to paint it.

A hangover is the wrath of grapes.

One of the greatest labour-saving inventions today is tomorrow.

“Hey, I’ve got reasons for what I’m doing,” REALLY MEANS, “I sure hope I think of some pretty soon.”

A printer consists of three main parts: the case, the jammed paper tray and the blinking red light

A great many people think they are thinking when they are merely rearranging their prejudices.

Every morning is the dawn of a new error.

“Managing senior programmers is like herding cats” — Dave Platt.

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