Amusing Quotes & One-Liners — Ned Martin’s Amused

Amusing Quotes & One-Liners

The difference between a stepping-stone and a stumbling block can be when you see it.

I wonder how much deeper would the ocean be without sponges.

An army of deer led by a lion is more to be feared than an army of lions led by a deer.

“I would like to live in Manchester, England. The transition between Manchester and death would be unnoticeable”. — Mark Twain

Having more money doesn’t make you happier. I have 50 million dollars but I’m just as happy as when I had 48 million. ~ Arnold Schwarzenegger.

I am a nobody, nobody is perfect, therefore I’m perfect.

Women like silent men. They think they’re listening.

A diplomatic husband said to his wife, how do you expect me to remember your birthday when you never look any older?

I love cats – they taste just like chicken.

I tried to photograph the fog, but I mist.

England has no kidney bank, but it does have a Liverpool.

Instead of getting married again, I’m going to find a woman I don’t like and just give her a house.—Rod Stewart

“Everyday I beat my own previous record for number of consecutive days I’ve stayed alive.”

Latest survey shows that 3 out of 4 people make up 75% of the world’s population.

I’m quite easy to get along with, once you learn to beckon at my every call and yield to all my desires.

Everybody is ignorant, only on different subjects.

Isn’t having a smoking section in a restaurant like having a peeing section in a swimming pool?

A baby sitter is a teenager acting like an adult while the adults are out acting like teenagers.

Red Tape Holds Up New Bridge!

Horn broken. Watch for finger. (on bumper sticker)

Jokes about German sausage are the wurst.

If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?

Man shoots neighbour with machete [The Miami Herald, July 3]

You can’t have everything. Where would you put it?

Don’t stop to stomp on ants when the elephants are stampeding.

I think animal testing is a terrible idea; they get all nervous and give the wrong answers.

Success always occurs in private, and failure in full public view.

“On two occasions I have been asked [by members of Parliament!]: ‘Pray, Mr. Babbage, if you put into the machine wrong figures, will the right answers come out ?’ I am not able rightly to apprehend the kind of confusion of ideas that could provoke such a question.” — Charles Babbage.

If we learn by our mistakes, some of us are getting one hell of an education!

My favorite mythical creature? The honest politician.

Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

If at first you don’t succeed, try management.

Anything that can become tangled around something else, will.

The best computer is a man, and it’s the only one that can be mass-produced by unskilled labour.

It used to be only death and taxes were inevitable. Now, of course, there’s shipping and handling, too.

Friends may come and go, but enemies accumulate

If you do not make dust, you eat dust.

Does this smell like chloroform to you?

I used to be a banker, but then I lost interest.

Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy.

Statistics are like bikinis – What they reveal is suggestive, but what they conceal is vital.

The shortest distance between two points is under construction.

There’s a fine line between genius and insanity. I have erased this line.

Time flies like an arrow – fruit flies like a banana.

Roses are red, Violets are blue. In Soviet Russia, Poems write you.

People can be divided into three groups: Those who make things happen, those who watch things happen, and those who wonder what happened.

One martini is all right, two is too many, and three is not enough.

So Many Pedestrians – So Little Time.

Climbers aim for the summit because it is there. Bungi jumpers dive off the top because they aren’t all there.

“There are only two things that are infinite: the universe and human stupidity. And I’m not sure about the universe.” A. Einstein

If vegetable oil comes from vegetables, where does baby oil come from?

Consciousness: that annoying time between naps.

I wondered why the baseball was getting bigger. Then it hit me.

The most powerful force in the universe is gossip.

A study in the Washington Post says that women have better verbal skills than men. I just want to say to the authors of that study: “Duh.”— Conan O’Brien

Blessed are the young, for they shall inherit the national debt.

There are only three kinds of people; people who can count and people who can’t.

Living is not worth dying for.

I don’t suffer from stress. I’m a carrier.

Money is better than poverty, if only for financial reasons.

It is hard to understand how a cemetery raised its burial charges and blamed it on the cost of living.

Sheep don’t fly so much as plummet.

I take everything I can for my kleptomania.

He who trains his tongue to quote the learned sages, will be known far and wide as a smart ass.

I’ve been trying for some time to develop a life style that doesn’t require my presence.

Support bacteria – they’re the only culture some people have.

In this world, nothing is certain but death and taxes. – Benjamin Franklin

The more time you spend in reporting on what you are doing, the less time you have to do it in. Stability is achieved when you spend all your time doing nothing but reporting on the nothing you are doing.

Even crime wouldn’t pay if the government ran it.

Legend: a lie that has attained the dignity of age.

Where do you find an Irish woodworm? Dead inside a brick.

It’s strange, isn’t it. You stand in the middle of a library and go aaaaagghhhh’ and everyone just stares at you. But you do the same thing on an aeroplane, and everyone joins in.

Shin: a device for finding furniture in the dark.

Programmer – A red-eyed, mumbling mammal capable of conversing with inanimate objects.

Nick Overruled - Democratic Majority Decision

I have had more trouble with myself than with any other man I’ve met.

Eat a live toad first thing in the morning, and nothing worse can happen to you the rest of the day.

“C++ : Where friends have access to your private members.” — Gavin Russell Baker.

I don’t meet competition. I crush it

What happens if you get scared half to death twice?

A day without sun shine is like, you know, night.

Early to rise, early to bed, makes a man healthy but socially dead.

“Managing senior programmers is like herding cats” — Dave Platt.

I spilled spot remover on my dog. Now he’s gone.

I like kids, but I don’t think I could eat a whole one.

I always wanted to be a procrastinator, never got around to it though.

Honk if you love peace and quiet.

The only reason some people get lost in thought is because it’s unfamiliar territory.

Go the extra mile. It makes your boss look like an incompetent slacker.

If you want your spouse to listen and pay strict attention to every word you say, talk in your sleep.

Experience is something you do not get until just after you need it.

What’s another word for Thesaurus?

An egotist is a person of low taste—more interested in himself than in me.

Just because your head is the biggest doesn’t mean it contains the right ideas.

Lead us not into temptation. Just tell us where it is; we’ll find it.

On the plus side, death is one of the few things that can be done just as easily as lying down.

Every time I look at you I get a fierce desire to be lonesome.

Ever stop to think and forget to start again?

A committee is a body that keeps minutes and wastes hours.

Connection Reset - Insufficient Electrons

It has recently been discovered that research causes cancer in rats.

Why is the man that invests your money called a broker?

Macho Law prohibits me from admitting I’m wrong.

I’m in no shape to exercise.

The truth is a precious commodity. That’s why I use it so sparingly.

What sane person could live in this world and not be crazy?

There is no such thing as an underestimate of average intelligence

Humour. It is a difficult concept. It is not logical.

Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.

Never put off until tomorrow what you can avoid altogether.

Make sure your mind isn’t so open that your brains fall out.

“Life is a waste of time, time is a waste of life, so get wasted all of the time and have the time of your life”. — Tom Waits

Marriage is not a word; it is a sentence.

Experience is simply the name we give our mistakes.

I started out with nothing, and I still have most of it.

Plan to be spontaneous tomorrow.

I Refuse To Have A Battle Of Wits With An Unarmed Person.

I love being married. It’s so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.

It’s not that I’m afraid to die; I just don’t want to be there when it happens.

You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They left a little note on the windscreen, it said ‘Parking Fine.’

Don’t Be Sexist – Broads Hate That.

Slow is when someone laps you in the hundred-yard dash

Better to remain silent and be thought a fool, than to speak and remove all doubt.

Cluster bombing from B-52s is very, very accurate – the bombs always hit the ground.

Wine divulges truth.

Whenever there is any doubt, there is no doubt.

“My wife made me join a bridge club. I jump off next Tuesday” — Rodney Dangerfield

I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol.

Jack and Jill did it for the insurance.

I don’t approve of political jokes... I’ve seen too many of them get elected.

I work hard because millions on welfare depend on me.

Tell me what you need, and I’ll tell you how to get along without it.

Youth is a wonderful thing. What a crime to waste it on children.

Take my advice, I don’t use it anyway.

Fundamentalism: Believe in a kind, loving God or we’ll kill you!

Bigamy is having one wife too many. Monogamy is the same. – Oscar Wilde

A guy got arrested for playing the guitar. He was fingering a minor.

We must believe in free will, we have no choice.

People don’t grow up; they just learn how to act in public.

“As a matter of fact” is an expression that precedes many an expression that isn’t.

“Auntie Em: hate you, hate Kansas, taking the dog.” – Dorothy

Marathon runners with bad footwear suffer the agony of defeat.

99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.

Laughing stock: cattle with a sense of humour.

The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.

Genius is 1% inspiration, and 99% perspiration.

Why is it called tourist season if we can’t shoot at them?

Love is blind, but marriage is a real eye-opener.

To B or not to B? *kills the B* I HATE BEES!!!! – LynxofCP

It is hard enough to remember my opinions, without also remembering my reasons for them!

Be careful when reading health books; you may die of a misprint.

Chaos, panic, & disorder – my work here is done.

I’m sorry; you cannot have an outlook on life because it isn’t responding. Microsoft apologises for any inconvenience.

Everybody is ignorant, only on different subjects.

“A girl phoned me the other day and said... Come on over, there’s nobody home. I went over. Nobody was home” — Rodney Dangerfield

The day I can’t do my job drunk is the day I turn in my badge and gun.

My husband says I never listen to him (at least I think that’s what he said)

Politicians are people who, when they see the light at the end of the tunnel, go out and buy more tunnel.

When you are arguing with an idiot, make sure the other person isn’t doing the same thing.

Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?

You’re not drunk if you can lie on the floor without holding on.

There are two kinds of people, those who finish what they start, and so on.

When life hands you a lemon, make lemonade.

One of the greatest labour-saving inventions today is tomorrow.

I took an IQ test and the results were negative.

I live in my own little world, but it’s ok they know me here.

Men’s faults are many, women have only two. Everything they say, and everything they do.

Don’t marry for money. You can borrow it cheaper.

Even paranoids have real enemies.

If a woman has to choose between catching a fly ball and saving an infant’s life, she will choose to save the infant’s life without even considering if there is a man on base.—Dave Barry

Stupidity is not a handicap! Park somewhere else!

“Reading computer manuals without the hardware is as frustrating as reading sex manuals without the software.” — Arthur C. Clarke.

Democracy is a process by which people are free to choose the man who will get the blame.

To succeed in politics, it is often necessary to rise above your principles.

Nobody can be exactly like me. Even I have trouble doing it.

I’m an idealist: I don’t know where I’m going, but I’m on my way.

Leftists are among the first to speak of their rights.

Being single is like a vacuum. It sucks when you are turned on.

Sometimes I wake up grumpy; other times I let her sleep

“A patriot must always be ready to defend his country against his government”. — Edward Abbey

Some people are alive only because it’s illegal to kill them.

How do you sink an Irish Submarine? Knock on the hatch.

I am amazed at radio DJ’s today. I am firmly convinced that AM on my radio stands for Absolute Moron. I will not begin to tell you what FM stands for.

Life is far too important to be taken seriously.

You’ll never get to heaven if you’re scared of getting high.

It is a fitting irony that under Richard Nixon, ‘launder’ became a dirty word.

One day I will get this peer guy and reset his connection.

When I was a boy I was told that anybody could become president; I’m beginning to believe it.

Laugh at your problems; everybody else does.

Outside of a dog, a book is probably man’s best friend, and inside of a dog, it’s too dark to read.

I have a simple philosophy. Fill what’s empty. Empty what’s full. Scratch where it itches.

Streakers beware: Your end is in sight.

If you can’t convince them, confuse them.

Everything you like is bad for you in some way.

Errors have been made. Others will be blamed.

“If women didn’t exist, all the money in the world would have no meaning.” – Aristotle Onassis

Seeing a murder on television...will help work off one’s antagonisms. And if you haven’t any antagonisms, the commercials will give you some.

I generally avoid temptation unless I can’t resist it.

A cartoonist was found dead in his home. Details are sketchy.

Computers make it easy to do a lot of things, but most of the things that make it easier to do don’t need to be done.

Keyboard not detected. Press F1 to continue

Two signs from a Majorcan shop entrance: English well speaking / Here speeching American.

Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

To err is human – and to blame it on a computer is even more so.

Madness takes its toll. Please have exact change.

Never go to a doctor whose office plants have died.

Where there’s a will, I want to be in it.

I can resist everything except temptation.

Why is it that to stop Windows, you have to click on “Start”?

“My computer NEVER loc

I couldn’t repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.

There are very few personal problems that cannot be solved through a suitable application of high explosives.

It is not what a teenager knows that bothers his parents. It is how he found out.

Man who run behind car get exhausted.

If we aren’t supposed to eat animals, why are they made of meat?

Why do we wash bath towels, aren’t we clean when we use them?

“The best thing about the future is that it comes only one day at a time.” – Abraham Lincoln

I either want less corruption, or more chance to participate in it.

It’s not true that married men live longer than single men. It only seems longer.

Acupuncture is a jab well done.

I thought I wanted a career, turns out I just wanted paychecks.

You can say any foolish thing to a dog, and the dog will give you a look that says, “My God, you’re right! I never would’ve thought of that!”

I don’t enjoy computer jokes; not one bit.

If ever I get married again it would have to be under an anaesthetic.

The trouble with life is there’s no background music.

The trouble with the rat race is that even if you win, you’re still a rat.

Marriage changes passion... suddenly you’re in bed with a relative.

One should forgive one’s enemies, but not before they are hanged.

Age always corresponds inversely to the size of your multivitamin.

For Sale: Parachute. Only used once, never opened, small stain.

Always do sober what you said you’d do drunk. That will teach you to keep your mouth shut.

When Chemists die, they barium.

There are 3 kinds of people: those who can count and those who can’t.

How do I set a laser printer to stun?

Well, if I called the wrong number, why did you answer the phone?

It’s easy to quit smoking... I’ve done it over 10,000 times.

If you don’t know where you are going, you might wind up someplace else.

Everybody lies, but it doesn’t matter since nobody listens.

Cleverly Disguised As A Responsible Adult.

According to recent study someone is run over by a car every 5 minutes in the city. You’d think the guy would have enough sense to get out of the street.

If you think nobody cares if you’re alive, try missing a couple of car payments.

Remember the teakettle; though up to its neck in hot water, it continues to sing.

I’d like to see things your way, but I’m looking in another direction.

I don’t have a solution but I admire the problem.

I hope that after I die, people will say of me: “That guy sure owed me a lot of money.”

God must love stupid people, he made so many.

A clean tie attracts the soup of the day.

If the world should blow itself up, the last audible voice would be that of an expert saying it can’t be done.

Jokes about German sausage are the wurst.

All my life, I always wanted to be somebody. Now I see that I should have been more specific.

The scientific theory I like best is that the rings of Saturn are composed entirely of lost airline luggage.

The most precious thing we have is life. Yet it has absolutely no trade-in value.

Never put both feet in your mouth at the same time, because then you don’t have a leg to stand on.

My husband and I divorced over religious differences... He thought he was God and I didn’t.

I think, therefore I am single.

Constipated People Don’t Give A Crap.

Time is God’s way of keeping everything from happening at once.

There are two kinds of people, those who finish what they start, and so on.

The chance of a piece of bread falling with the buttered side down is directly proportional to the cost of the carpet.

In elementary school, in case of fire, you have to line up quietly in a single file line from smallest to tallest. What is the logic? Do tall people burn slower?

Work: It isn’t just for sleeping anymore.

If quizzes are quizzical, what are tests?

Caution – Driver Legally Blonde!

Don’t talk unless you can improve the silence.

If money talks, it ain’t on speakin’ terms with me.

It is a small world, but I wouldn’t like to have to paint it.

Early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.

I guess traffic in the city is improving a little. Yesterday, I drove clear across town and only had to shave twice.

I don’t suffer from stress. I’m a carrier.

Remember, half the people you know are below average.

How can you come out of a closet if you never went in there in the first place?

I arise in the morning torn between a desire to improve the world and a desire to enjoy the world. This makes it hard to plan the day.

If At First You Don’t Succeed... Blame Someone Else And Seek Counseling.

I’m not dumb; I just have a command of thoroughly useless information.

“If carrots are so good for the eyes, how come I see so many dead rabbits on the highway?”

I am obviously right, and as you disagree with me, then logically you must be wrong.

“Then he ran into my knife. He ran into my knife ten times.” – Chicago

There are 10 types of people in the world: Those who understand binary, and those who don’t.

Outside a Hong Kong tailor shop: Ladies may have a fit upstairs.

I don’t like people who take drugs... Customs Officers for example.

Well, this day was a total waste of makeup.

e=mc^2 where m = the number of cooks required to spoil the broth

Bacteria: the only culture some people have.

I was the next door kid’s imaginary friend.

Of course, we are all worms—but I like to think, at least, that I am a glow-worm. – Winston Churchill

No problem is so big and complicated that it can’t be ran away from.

If people concentrated on the really important things in life, there’d be a shortage of fishing poles.

If it’s 0 degrees today and it’s going to be twice as cold tomorrow... how cold will it be?

Plagiarism saves time.

“There are two major products that come out of Berkeley: LSD and UNIX. We don’t believe this to be a coincidence.” — Jeremy S. Anderson

Honest criticism is hard to take, particularly from a relative, a friend, an acquaintance, or a stranger.

Progress was all right. Only it went on too long.

Broken pencils are pointless.

Cole’s Law: Thinly sliced cabbage.

I was at a bar nursing a beer. My nipple was getting quite soggy.

I have great faith in fools; my friends call it self-confidence.

Time is a great teacher, but unfortunately it kills all its pupils.

It’s hard to face the problem, when the problem is your face.

“When in doubt tell the truth.”—Mark Twain

If trees could scream, would we be so cavalier about cutting them down? We might, if they screamed all the time, for no good reason.

Smoking cures weight problems...eventually...

It is well to remember the entire population of the universe, with one trifling exception, is composed of others.

Never buy a car you can’t push.

I get enough exercise just pushing my luck.

I thought I made a mistake once, but I was wrong.

Smith & Wesson — the original point and click interface.

A poor excuse is like an old bucket; doesn’t matter what shape it is in, as long as it holds water.

“How can a president not be an actor?” – when asked “How could an actor become president?” – Ronald Reagan

“Thinking is the hardest work there is, which is probably why so few engage in it”. — Henry Ford

“I worked in a pet shop and people kept asking how big I’d get” — Rodney Dangerfield

“Banking establishments are more dangerous than standing armies”. — Thomas Jefferson

Is Disney World the only people trap operated by a mouse?

Restarting System - Mouse Moved

If all you have is a hammer, everything looks like a nail.

I am free of all prejudices. I hate everyone equally.

Eschew obfuscation.

A dyslexic man walks into a bra.

That which cannot be taken apart will fall apart.

Be thankful for problems. If they were less difficult, someone with less ability might have your job.

Comedy is tragedy plus time.

All the toilets in New York’s police stations have been stolen. The police have nothing to go on.

I installed a skylight in my apartment. The people who live above me are furious.

Half of being smart is knowing what you are dumb at.

My reality check just bounced.

111,111,111 x 111,111,111 = 12,345,678,987,654,321

What Has Four Legs And An Arm? A Happy Pit Bull.

Promises are like babies: fun to make, but hell to deliver.

No sense being pessimistic, it probably wouldn’t work anyway.

To find out a girl’s faults, praise her to her girl friends.

Men occasionally stumble over the truth, but most of them pick themselves up and hurry off as if nothing had happened. – Winston Churchill

If a man opens a car door for a woman, either the car is new or the woman.

“Always in motion the future is. Seasick it makes me. That’s why so green I am”. – Yoda

If you can’t be kind, at least have the decency to be vague.

Not all men are annoying. Some are dead.

What does a clock do when it’s hungry? It goes back four seconds.

When you come to a fork in the road, take it.

A great many people think they are thinking when they are merely rearranging their prejudices.

A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a train stops. On my desk I have a workstation...

“#define QUESTION ((bb) || !(bb))” — Shakespeare

“I believe in equality for everyone, except reporters and photographers”. — Gandhi

“I’ve noticed that everyone who is for abortion has already been born.” – Ronald Reagan

A bird does not sing because it has an answer—it sings because it has a song.

I’ve always wanted to be normal, but lately I’ve come to suspect that this is it.

A conscience does not prevent sin. It only prevents you from enjoying it.

Cheerfulness is contagious, but don’t wait to catch it from others. Be a carrier.

An egotist has one point in his favour – he doesn’t go round talking about other people.

“Reader, suppose you were an idiot. And suppose you were a member of Congress. But I repeat myself”. — Mark Twain

Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don’t.

The secret of success is sincerity. Once you can fake that you’ve got it made.

Why is it that doctors call what they do “practice”?

Work expands to fill the time available. — PARKINSON’S LAW

“You have to be careful about being too careful” – Beryl Pfizer

Remember half the people you know are below average.

Make three correct guesses consecutively and you will establish yourself as an expert.

I married Miss Right. I just didn’t know her first name was Always.

I married my wife for her looks... but not the ones she’s been giving me lately!

Just because you’re not paranoid doesn’t mean they’re not out to get you.

Doctor, Doctor You’ve got to help me – I just can’t stop my hands shaking. Do you drink a lot? Not really – I spill most of it!

I spent most of my money on booze, drugs and women... The rest I wasted!

Anything’s possible... apart from skiing through a revolving door.

Modesty is a virtue of fools.

“There is no reason anyone would want a computer in their home.” — Ken Olson, founder of Digital Equipment Corp., 1977.

Before you give a colleague a piece of your mind, be sure you can spare it.

Hard work never killed anybody but why take the chance?

Insanity is hereditary; you can get it from your children.

I majored in liberal arts. Will that be for here or to go?

Half our life is spent trying to find something to do with the time we have rushed through life trying to save.

The trouble with our times is that the future is not what it used to be.

Killed - Personality Incompatibility

Sex on television can’t hurt you unless you fall off.

If con is the opposite of pro, congress is the opposite of progress.

My mind not only wanders, sometimes it leaves completely.

It is wiser to find out than to suppose.—Mark Twain

“The generation of random numbers is too important to be left to chance.” — Robert R. Coveyou, Oak Ridge National Laboratory.

Vote for the man who promises least; he’ll be the least disappointing.

Knowledge is the key, but where is the damn lock?

I plead contemporary insanity.

How do you spot an Irishman at a carwash? He’s the one on the bike.

It is even harder for the average ape to believe that he has descended from man.

If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?

I know a guy who is addicted to brake fluid. He says he can stop anytime.

Half of the people in the world are below average.

An Apple a day keeps the doctor away. But... an onion a day keeps everyone away.

If you’re born again, do you have two bellybuttons?

In a Tokyo shop: Our nylons cost more than common, but you’ll find they are best in the long run.

Stupidity is not a handicap. Park elsewhere!

If you don’t learn to laugh at troubles, you won’t have anything to laugh at when you grow old.

Two strings walk into a bar. The first string says to the bartender, “Bartender, I’ll have a beer. u.5n$x5t?*&4ru!2[sACCErJ”. The second string says, “Pardon my friend, he isn’t NULL terminated”.

This Would Be Really Funny If It Weren’t Happening To Me.

Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian any more than going to the garage makes you a car.

The fellow who thinks he knows it all is especially annoying to those of us who do.

As the light changed from red to green to yellow and back to red again, I sat there thinking about life. Was it nothing more than a bunch of honking and yelling? Sometimes it seemed that way.

One good thing about repeating your mistakes is that you know when to cringe.

A bird in the hand is safer than one overhead.

The short fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.

Eagles may soar, but weasels don’t get sucked into jet engines.

Haunted French pancakes give me the crêpes.

If I’d known I was going to live this long, I’d have taken better care of myself.

Does your train of thought have a caboose?

I had amnesia once or twice.

Shin: a device for finding furniture in the dark.

When you get a bladder infection, urine trouble.

We’ve made great medical progress in the last generation. What used to be merely an itch is now an allergy.

“This ‘telephone’ has too many shortcomings to be seriously considered as a means of communication.” — Western Union internal memo, 1876.

The world is full of willing people; some willing to work, the rest willing to let them.

Connection Reset By Aboriginal With Wire Cutters

Procrastinate Now!

Any task worth doing was worth doing yesterday.

They told me I had type A blood, but it was a Type O

Maybe I’m lucky to be going so slowly, because I may be going in the wrong direction.

If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?

It’s important to be open-minded, but not SO open-minded that your brains fall out.

Life... I don’t get it...

Accept that some days you’re the pigeon, and some days you’re the statue.

How Many Roads Must A Man Travel Down Before He Admits He Is Lost?

Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way when you criticize them, you are a mile away from them and you have their shoes.

People who think they know everything are annoying to those of us who do.

I don’t want to achieve immortality through my work. I want to achieve immortality through not dying.

Optimists believe we live on the greatest world. Pessimists believe this is true.

Quantum: Noun, word used to sound like I know what I’m talking about while discussing physics I’ve never actually studied.

If a President doesn’t do it to his wife, he’ll do it to his country.

If at first you don’t succeed, skydiving is not your sport.

I used to find him boring until I stopped listening.

In a Norwegian cocktail lounge: Ladies are requested not to have children in the bar.

When in doubt, mumble.

Well if this is the wrong number, why did you answer it?

Applying computer technology is simply finding the right wrench to pound in the correct screw.

Help Wanted: Telepath. You know where to apply.

I have gone to look for myself, if I should return before I get back, keep me here.

Those who can laugh without cause have either found the true meaning of happiness or have gone stark raving mad.

The art of flying is to throw yourself at the ground and miss.

For people who like peace and quiet – a phoneless cord.

I have spent my whole life looking for the perfect woman, and now I’ve found her. Too bad she’s looking for the perfect man.

You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.

Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?

Birthdays are good for you. Statistics show that the people who have the most live the longest.

On the keyboard of life, always keep one finger on the escape key.

Mines are equal opportunity weapons.

“Inconceivable!” “I do not think that word means what you think it means.”

“You start coding. I’ll go find out what they want.” — Computer analyst to programmer

Someday we’ll look back on all this and plow into the back of a parked car.

The sooner you fall behind the more time you’ll have to catch up.

Age is a very high price to pay for maturity.

A team effort is a lot of people doing what I say

Man who eat many prunes get good run for money.

“Few things are harder to put up with than a good example.”—Mark Twain

If the French were really intelligent, they’d speak English.

If everything is coming your way, you are probably in the wrong lane.

If you choke a smurf, what colour does it turn?

A penny saved is a Congressional spending oversight.

Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.

Artificial Intelligence is no match for Natural Stupidity.

“Oh dear,” said God, “I hadn’t thought of that,” and promptly vanished in a puff of logic.

I used to be apathetic, but now I don’t give a damn.

Arguing on the Internet is like competing in the Special Olympics – even if you win, you are still retarded.

Originality is the fine art of remembering what you hear, but forgetting where you heard it.

The earthquake in Washington obviously was the government’s fault.

Where you stand depends on where you sit.

Abel Tasman on discovering Tasmania, “Too far south for spices and too close to the rim of the earth to be inhabited by anything but freaks and monsters”

Anger is only one letter away from danger.

Prediction is extremely difficult. Especially about the future.

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Being in the army is like being in the Boy Scouts, except that the Boy Scouts have adult supervision.

Men are from earth. Women are from earth. Deal with it.

Be kind to your dentist. He has fillings, too.

If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?

A dog that attends a flea circus most likely will steal the whole show.

In the beginning, there was nothing. Then God said, “Let there be light,” and there was still nothing, but you could see it.

The illegal we do immediately. The unconstitutional takes a little longer. – Henry Kissinger

My girlfriend told me I should be more affectionate. So I got two more girlfriends.

The human brain is a wonderful thing. It starts working the moment you are born, and never stops until you stand up to speak in public.

Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying of nothing.

If you’re not confused, you’re not paying attention.

Don’t be irreplaceable; if you cannot be replaced, you cannot be promoted.

Energizer Bunny arrested: Charged with battery.

It is said that if you line up all the cars in the world end to end, someone would be stupid enough to try and pass them.

I can please only one person per day. Today is not your day. Tomorrow isn’t looking good either.

Love is like an hourglass, with the heart filling up as the brain empties.

As a final incentive before giving up a difficult task, try to imagine it successfully accomplished by someone you violently dislike.

We spend the first twelve months of our children’s lives teaching them to walk and talk and the next twelve telling them to sit down and shut up.

Anywhere is walking distance, if you’ve got the time.

Men have a much better time of it than women; for one thing, they marry later; for another thing they die earlier.

I have noticed that the people who are late are often so much jollier that the people who have to wait for them.

If it weren’t for the last minute, nothing would ever get done.

Only a fool is astonished by the foolishness of humankind.

He’s so lazy. I’ve seen him step into a revolving door and wait.

If automobiles had followed the same development cycle as the computer, a Rolls Royce would today cost $100, get a million miles per gallon, and explode once a year, killing everyone inside.

I envy people who drink – at least they know what to blame everything on.

He who smiles in a crisis has found someone to blame.

Eagles may soar, but weasels don’t get sucked into jet engines.

Anyone can admit they were wrong; the true test is admitting it to someone else.

A procrastinator’s work is never done.

Englishmen never will be slaves: they are free to do whatever the Government and public opinion allow them to do.

Man who drive like hell bound to get there.

Good judgement comes from experience. Experience comes from bad judgement.

He does the work of three men: Larry, Moe and Curly.

Moderation in all things, including moderation.

“When you starve with a tiger, the tiger starves last”. — Griffin’s Thought

If you don’t know why I’m mad at you, then I’m certainly not going to tell you

Remember... Marriage is the number one cause of divorce. Statistically, 100% of all divorces started with marriage.

Hang in there; retirement is only thirty years away.

I’d give my right arm to be ambidextrous.

Don’t take life too seriously—you’ll never get out of it alive.

There are three ways to get something done: do it yourself, hire someone, or forbid your kids to do it.

Everybody has a photographic memory. Some don’t have film.

Advertisement for donkey rides in Thailand: Would you like to ride on your own ass?

When you do not know what you are doing, do it neatly.

“I have left orders to be awakened at any time in case of national emergency – even if I’m in a Cabinet meeting.” – Ronald Reagan

Mind like a steel trap – rusty and illegal in most states.

“This report, by its very length, defends itself against the risk of being read”. — Winston Churchill

In a Budapest zoo: Please do not feed the animals. If you have any suitable food, give it to the guard on duty.

It’s just a job. Grass grows, birds fly, waves pound the sand. I just beat people up. – Muhammad Ali

AIBOHPHOBIA – the fear of palindromes.

Man does not live by words alone, despite the fact that sometimes he has to eat them.

If you want a committed man, look in a mental hospital.

Some people are going to leave a mark on this world, while others will leave a stain.

Plato is dead, Einstein is dead, and I’m not feeling too good myself...

I fear my inferiority complex is not as good as yours.

Bacteria: the only culture some people have.

What hair color do they put on the driver’s licenses of bald men?

“Einstein argued that there must be simplified explanations of nature, because God is not capricious or arbitrary. No such faith comforts the software engineer.” — Fred Brooks.

“You, you and you: panic. The rest of you, come with me.”

“Things are more like they are now than they ever were before.” – Former U.S. President Dwight D. Eisenhower

Tip the world over on its side and everything loose will land in Los Angeles.

Never argue with an idiot. They drag you down to their level then beat you with experience.

A person who smiles in the face of adversity... probably has a scapegoat.

Technology is a way of organizing the universe so that man doesn’t have to experience it.

Military intelligence is a contradiction in terms.

Partying... oops No Only Parting... sorry

I used to think I was indecisive, but now I’m not sure.

On a tombstone: I TOLD YOU I WAS SICK

If you can’t beat your computer at chess, try kickboxing.

History will be kind to me for I intend to write it. – Winston Churchill

The doctor can bury his mistakes but an architect can only advise his client to plant vines.

“The object of war is not to die for your country but to make the other bastard die for his.” – General George Patton

If someone with multiple personalities threatens suicide... is it considered a hostage situation?

You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say will be misquoted then used against you.

I love work; it fascinates me; I can sit and watch it for hours.

Alcohol: the cause of, and solution to, all of life’s problems.

Some people say that I must be a horrible person, but that’s not true. I have the heart of a young boy – in a jar on my desk.

Impotence: Nature’s Way Of Saying “No Hard Feelings”.

“If builders built buildings the way programmers write programs, then the first woodpecker that came along would destroy civilization” — Weinberg’s Second Law.

What if there were no hypothetical questions?

Democracy is the recurrent suspicion that more than half of the people are right more than half of the time.

Once, during prohibition, I was forced to live for days on nothing but food and water.

Heck is where people go who don’t believe in gosh.

We are going on a field trip to the Coca-Cola factory. I hope there are no pop quizzes.

All men are equal. Some are just more equal than others.

“I’d rather have a bottle in front of me, than a frontal lobotomy”. — Tom Waits

I Haven’t Lost My Mind, It’s Backed Up On Disk Somewhere.

In the beginning, God created earth and rested. Then God created man and rested. Then God created woman. Since then, neither God nor man has rested.

If life was fair, Elvis would be alive and all the impersonators would be dead.

Somewhere on this globe, every ten seconds, is a woman giving birth to a child. She must be found and stopped.

What do you call a dinosaur with an extensive vocabulary? A thesaurus.

“I am not worried about the deficit. It is big enough to take care of itself.” – Ronald Reagan

A soldier who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran.

To define recursion, we must first define recursion.

Why were the Indians here first? They had reservations.

I changed my iPod’s name to Titanic. It’s syncing now.

Pick your friends but not to pieces.

Time sneaks up on you like a windshield on a bug.

Money is flat and meant to be piled up. – Scottish Proverb

Gossip: The art of saying nothing while leaving nothing unsaid.

Laugh and the world laughs with you; snore and you sleep alone.

Everyone hates me because I’m paranoid.

I heard a man say that brigands demand your money or your life, whereas women require both.

Being a philosopher, I have a problem for every solution.

Hemp is a herb. Bush is a dope.

Years ago fairy tales began with “Once upon a time...” Now it’s “If I am elected...”

My schoolmates would make love to anything that moved, but I never saw any reason to limit myself.

I have the body of a GOD – Buddha.

Last night I lay in bed looking up at the stars in the sky and I thought to myself, “Where the heck is the ceiling?”

A synonym is a word you use when you can’t spell the word you first thought of.

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Everyone needs belief in something. I believe I’ll have another beer.

It’s bad luck to be superstitious.

A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat.

Ninety-nine per cent of the people in the world are fools and the rest of us are in great danger of contagion.

I like to start my periods with sentences.

“You can always count on Americans to do the right thing—after they’ve tried everything else” – Winston Churchill

I often quote myself; it adds spice to my conversation.

Just remember... if the world didn’t suck, we’d all fall off.

When he first ran for office, he appealed to the voters: “I never stole anything in my life. All I ask is a chance.”

Santa’s helpers are subordinate clauses.

If it’s true that we are here to help others, then what exactly are the others here for?

How do you keep an Irishman busy? Write P.T.O on both sides of a piece of paper.

I dropped out of communism class because of lousy Marx.

I intend to live forever – so far, so good.

If you can stay calm, while all around you is chaos... then you probably haven’t completely understood the situation.

If olive oil comes from olives, where does baby oil come from?

When I was young, I could remember anything. Whether it happened or not.

I hate women because they always know where things are.

When a clock is hungry, it goes back four seconds.

TEAMWORK... means never having to take all the blame yourself.

The second day of a diet is alway easier than the first. By the second day, you’re off it.

Five out of four people have trouble with fractions.

Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?

I used to be a Kleptomaniac, But now I’m taking something for it

You have the right to your opinions. I just don’t want to hear them.

I don’t have an attitude problem. You have a perception problem.

I got a job at a bakery because I kneaded dough.

If at first you don’t succeed, destroy all the evidence that you tried.

Get a new car for your spouse – it’ll be a great trade!

Proofread carefully to see if you any words out.

At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be “What is hell?” Come early and listen to our choir practice.

Anyone who told you to be yourself couldn’t have given you worse advice.

Cheer up, the worst is yet to come.

If at first you don’t succeed, try, try again. Then quit. There’s no use being a damned fool about it.

I’m not afraid of heights, only widths.

Under capitalism, man exploits man. Under Communism, it’s just the opposite.

A conclusion is simply the place where you got tired of thinking.

If I were two-faced, would I be wearing this one?

Authority makes some people grow – and others just swell.

He’s not dead, he’s electroencephalographically challenged.

“War does not determine who is right - only who is left.” – Bertrand Russell

How did Moses make his tea? Hebrews it.

I stayed up all night to see where the sun went. Then it dawned on me.

When angry count four, when very angry, swear.

My one regret in life is that I am not someone else.

I want to die peacefully in my sleep like my grandfather, not screaming in abject horror like his passengers.

The number of people watching you is directly proportional to the stupidity of your action.

Velcro — what a rip off!

Snowmen fall from Heaven unassembled.

“Heavier-than-air flying machines are impossible.” — Lord Kelvin, president, Royal Society, 1895.

I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.

He who laughs last thinks slowest.

I used up all my sick days, so I’m calling in dead.

Age is an issue of mind over matter. If you don’t mind, it doesn’t matter.

Illiterate? Write For Help.

If I were someone who knew something, who could I tell that would believe me?

Venison for dinner again? Oh deer!

Some people are alive only because it’s illegal to kill them.

It’s not hard to meet expenses, they’re everywhere.

I laugh in the face of danger, except if I’m involved.

We have two ends. One for sitting and one for thinking. Our success depends on which one we use most.

Warning: Dates in Calendar are closer than they appear.

It doesn’t matter what temperature the room is; it’s always room temperature.

I’m not into working out. My philosophy: No pain, no pain.

If you don’t pay your exorcist you get repossessed.

Show me a piano falling down a mineshaft and I’ll show you A-flat minor.

Men don’t care what’s on TV. They only care what else is on TV.

“Blink your eyelids periodically to lubricate your eyes.” — Page 16 of the HP “Environmental, Health Safety Handbook for Employees”.

Why does Sea World have a seafood restaurant? I’m halfway through my fish burger and I realize, Oh my gosh... I could be eating a slow learner.

From the moment I picked your book up until I laid it down I was convulsed with laughter. Some day I intend reading it.

A bargain is something you don’t need at a price you can’t resist.

I’d explain it to you, but your brain would explode.

If a job is worth doing well get someone else to do it.

Without question, the greatest invention in the history of mankind is beer. Oh, I grant you that the wheel was also a fine invention, but the wheel does not go nearly as well with pizza.

I’m an apathetic sociopath – I’d kill you if I cared.

If sex is such a natural phenomenon, how come there are so many books on how to do it.

Before marriage, a man yearns for the woman he loves. After marriage, the ‘Y’ becomes silent.

The trouble with jogging is that, by the time you realise you’re not in shape for it, it’s far too far to walk back.

I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.

In the office of a Roman doctor: Specialist in women and other diseases.

Money can’t buy happiness, but it sure makes misery easier to live with.

There is nothing so annoying as to have two people go right on talking when you’re interrupting.

When I’m not in my right mind, my left mind gets pretty crowded

Everybody is somebody else’s weirdo.

I used to think I was indecisive, but now I’m not sure.

In democracy it’s your vote that counts. In feudalism it’s your count that votes.

Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7th of your life.

A pessimist is a man who has been compelled to live with an optimist

Save the whales. Collect the whole set.

They say you only use ten percent of your brain. What about the other ten?

Democracy is a government where you can say what you think even if you don’t think.

I did a theatrical performance about puns. It was a play on words.

Booze is the answer. I don’t remember the question.

I tried sniffing Coke once, but the ice cubes got stuck in my nose.

“Your mouse has moved. Windows must be restarted for the change to take effect. Reboot now ? [OK]”

A backwards poet writes inverse.

Raising teenagers is like trying to nail Jell-O to a tree.

I’m desperately trying to figure out why kamikaze pilots wore helmets.

The surprising thing about young fools is how many survive to become old fools.

“Always be sincere, even when you don’t mean it”. — Irene Peter

The early bird gets the worm, but the early worm gets eaten.

Lord, if you won’t make me skinny, please make all my friends fat.

Cab drivers are living proof that practice does not make perfect.

By the time a man realises that his father was right, he has a son who thinks he’s wrong.

“They say hard work never hurt anybody, but I figure why take the chance.” – Ronald Reagan

Man who run in front of car get tired.

Seen it all, done it all, can’t remember most of it.

Needing someone is like needing a parachute. If he isn’t there the first time you need him, chances are you won’t be needing him again.

I don’t necessarily agree with everything I say.

When your IQ reaches 80 –– sell.

Lots of people know a good thing the minute the other fellow sees it first.

Youth would be an ideal state if it came a little later in life.

I haven’t spoken to my wife for 18 months: I don’t like to interrupt her.

Life is complex: it has real and imaginary parts.

The light at the end of the tunnel has been turned off due to budget cuts.

The only difference between Genius and Insanity... is success.

Honesty is the best policy, but insanity is a better defence.

Every morning is the dawn of a new error.

I don’t believe in astrology. I am a Sagittarius and we’re very skeptical. ~ Arthur C. Clarke

Bachelors know more about women than married men; if they didn’t they’d be married too.

Did you hear about the cross-eyed teacher who lost her job because she couldn’t control her pupils?

Chipped dishes never break.

Is there life before death?

When in trouble, fear or doubt, run in circles, scream and shout.

He often broke into song because he couldn’t find the key.

My mind works like lightning. One brilliant flash and it is gone.

Why is the third hand on the watch called a second hand?

When all other means of communication fail, try words.

The amount of work to be done increases in proportion to the amount of work already completed. — VAIL’S SECOND AXIOM

I majored in liberal arts. Will that be for here or to go?

How do you get an Irishman to burn his ear? Ring him up while he is ironing.

Don’t use a big word where a diminutive one will suffice.

We waste time, so you don’t have to.

A printer consists of three main parts: the case, the jammed paper tray and the blinking red light

Any ship can be a minesweeper... once.

I had some words with my wife, and she had some paragraphs with me.

Quantum mechanics: The dreams stuff is made of.

A hangover is the wrath of grapes.

In a Rome laundry: Ladies, leave your clothes here and spend the afternoon having a good time.

“How come we choose from just two people to run for president and 50 for Miss America?”

Character is what you are in the dark.

“People who drink light beer don’t like the taste of beer; they just like to pee a lot” — Rodney Dangerfield

People with narrow minds usually have broad tongues.

The only perfect science is hindsight.

The sooner you fall behind the more time you’ll have to catch up.

Some pain is physical, and some is mental, but one that’s both is dental.

As long as there are tests, there will be prayer in public schools.

I didn’t like my beard at first. Then it grew on me.

Nothing means nothing, but it isn’t really nothing because nothing is something that isn’t.

I have kleptomania, but when it gets bad, I take something for it. ~ Robert Benchle

This mind intentionally left blank

A drop of ink may make a million think.

Confidence is the feeling you have before you understand the situation.

Next time you wave, use all your fingers.

Ours is a world where people don’t know what they want and are willing to go through hell to get it.

Hope sees the invisible, feels the intangible and achieves the impossible.

INDECISION is the key to FLEXIBILITY.

What’s the definition of a will? (It’s a dead giveaway).

Best way to get a man to do something, is to suggest they are too old for it.

“Every mighty oak was once just a nut who stood his ground.”

“I wish everyone was peaceful. Then I could take over the planet with a butter knife”—Dogbert

“The web is a dominatrix. Every where I turn, I see little buttons ordering me to Submit.” — Nytwind.

You can always spot a well-informed man – his views are the same as yours.

Foolproof systems don’t take into account the ingenuity of fools.

Tips for Vegetarians: Hit a chicken enough times and it turns into a vegetable.

Most vegetarians look so much like the food they eat that they can be classified as cannibals.

On the other hand you have different fingers.

If you’re not wasted, the day is.

Perhaps you’re diagonally parked in a parallel universe?

Succeed in spite of management. Aim Low; Reach Your Goals, Avoid Disappointment.

Get even – live long enough to be a problem to your kids.

“I’ve been on a calendar but I have never been on time” – Marilyn Monroe

Be nice to your kids. They’ll choose your nursing home.

I took a speed reading course and read ‘War and Peace’ in twenty minutes. It involves Russia. Enough women for four.

You have to stay in shape. My grandmother, she started walking five miles a day when she was 60. She’s 97 today and we don’t know where the hell she is.

Always try to be modest and be proud of it!

Whenever I feel like exercise, I lie down until the feeling passes.

“I could tell that my parents hated me. My bath toys were a toaster and a radio” — Rodney Dangerfield

Someone sent me a postcard picture of the earth. On the back it said, “Wish you were here.”

We Quit Voting Will They All Go Away?

I’m reading a book about anti-gravity. I can’t put it down.

It is not my interest to pay the principal, nor my principal to pay the interest.

If you don’t know where you are going, you will wind up somewhere else.

All those who believe in psycho kinesis raise my hand.

Hypochondria is the only disease I haven’t got.

I am not a vegetarian because I love animals; I am a vegetarian because I hate plants.

“I have never let my schooling interfere with my education.”—Mark Twain

IRS: We’ve got what it takes to take what you’ve got.

Never underestimate the power of very stupid people in large groups.

Everything is possible; just not too probable.

My parents stayed together for forty years, but that was out of spite.

I love deadlines. I especially like the whooshing sound they make as they go flying by.

You look like a million dollars. All green and wrinkled.

This comment is printed on 100% recycled electrons.

The dictionary is the only place where success comes before work.

Don’t look back. Something may be gaining on you.

An Irish man was driving to the airport when he saw a sign saying ‘Airport – Left’... So he went home.

Who is General Failure and why is he reading my hard disk?

Pardon my driving, I am reloading.

Mental Floss prevents Moral Decay.

Time’s fun when you’re having flies... Kermit the Frog

Compromise: the art of dividing a cake so that everybody believes he or she got the biggest piece.

At the age of six I wanted to be a cook. At seven I wanted to be Napoleon. And my ambition has been growing steadily ever since.

Anything not nailed down is a cat toy.

Allow me to introduce my selves.

“He has been given a large brain by mistake, since for him the spinal cord would fully suffice.” — Albert Einstein

There are two types of people in this world, good and bad. The good sleep better, but the bad seem to enjoy the waking hours much more.

Despite the cost of living it’s still very popular.

Bachelors have consciences, married men have wives.

Brilliant, but with the social skills of a thermonuclear device.

One good turn gets most of the blankets.

Murphy’s Golden Rule: Whoever has the gold makes the rules.

The dumber people think you are, the more surprised they’re going to be when you kill them—Rodney Dangerfield

If the human brain were so simple that we could understand it, we would be so simple we couldn’t.

“Hey, I’ve got reasons for what I’m doing,” REALLY MEANS, “I sure hope I think of some pretty soon.”

If Bill Gates had a nickel for every time Windows crashed... oh wait, he does.

“I think there is a world market for maybe five computers.” — Thomas Watson, chairman of IBM, 1943.

Always remember you’re unique, just like everyone else.

I stayed up all night to see where the sun went. Then it dawned on me.

If puns were outlawed, only outlaws would have puns.

What do you call a dinosaur with an extensive vocabulary? A thesaurus.

I wished the buck stopped here, as I could use a few.

The beatings will continue until morale improves.

They say if you play a Microsoft CD backwards you hear satanic messages. That’s nothing, if you play it forwards it installs Windows.

Why don’t you ever see the headline “Psychic Wins Lottery”?

If you try and don’t succeed, cheat. Repeat until caught. Then lie.

Sometimes I think the surest sign that intelligent life exists elsewhere in the universe is that none of it has tried to contact us.

Brain: an apparatus with which we think we think.

Doctor, Doctor I keep getting pains in the eye when I drink coffee. Have you tried taking the spoon out?

My life has a superb cast but I can’t figure out the plot.

This guy walks into a bar and the barman says “Ouch, that must have hurt”

Solitude is fine, but you need someone to tell you that solitude is fine.

PMS jokes aren’t funny. Period.

If you can’t convince them, confuse them.

Confidence is the feeling you have before you understand the situation

Whenever people agree with me, I always feel I must be wrong.

Am I getting smart with you? How would you know?

Marriage is a three-ring circus: engagement ring, wedding ring, and suffering.

I think that’s how Chicago got started. A bunch of people in New York said, “Gee, I’m enjoying the crime and the poverty, but it just isn’t cold enough. Let’s go west.”—Richard Jeni

If it weren’t for electricity we’d all be watching television by candlelight?

The things that come to those that wait may be the things left by those who got there first.

In a Copenhagen airline ticket office: We take your bags and send them in all directions.

I like children. Properly cooked.

How do you know if a fish is Irish? It has drowned.

Conscience is the inner voice warning us that someone may be looking.

Don’t use a big word where a diminutive one will suffice.

Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.

Anything not nailed down is mine. Anything I can pry loose is not nailed down.

The man who fell into an upholstery machine is fully recovered.

If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?

If you can’t dazzle them with brilliance... just baffle them with bullsh*t.

“Are you going to come quietly, or do I have to use earplugs?”—Vale Spike Milligan

This girl said she recognized me from the vegetarian club, but I’d never met herbivore

After all is said and done, more is said than done.

Borrow money from pessimists- they don’t expect to get it back.

Oh, don’t fuss. I just cut myself. It’s no big deal,” REALLY MEANS, “I have actually severed a limb, but will bleed to death before I admit I’m hurt.”

If at first you do succeed, try to hide your astonishment.

There’s a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot.

Sheep don’t fly so much as plummet.

If I have to work for an idiot, I might as well work for myself.

A bachelor is a man who comes to work from a different direction each morning.

Age is a question of mind over matter. If you don’t mind, it don’t matter.

I’m out of my mind, but feel free to leave a message.

I always wanted to be somebody, but I should have been more specific.

You’re such an inspiration for the way I’ll never choose to be.

Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.

There’s a difference between being open-minded and having a hole in your head

Blessed are those who can laugh at themselves, they will never cease to be amused.

If we don’t succeed, we run the risk of failure.

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