Amusing Quotes & One-Liners — Ned Martin’s Amused

Amusing Quotes & One-Liners

Macho Law prohibits me from admitting I’m wrong.

When you are arguing with an idiot, make sure the other person isn’t doing the same thing.

No sense being pessimistic, it probably wouldn’t work anyway.

On a tombstone: I TOLD YOU I WAS SICK

Stupidity is not a handicap! Park somewhere else!

Experience is something you do not get until just after you need it.

Impotence: Nature’s Way Of Saying “No Hard Feelings”.

Show me a piano falling down a mineshaft and I’ll show you A-flat minor.

Plagiarism saves time.

When life hands you a lemon, make lemonade.

In the beginning, God created earth and rested. Then God created man and rested. Then God created woman. Since then, neither God nor man has rested.

Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy.

How do you spot an Irishman at a carwash? He’s the one on the bike.

I don’t want to achieve immortality through my work. I want to achieve immortality through not dying.

I love work; it fascinates me; I can sit and watch it for hours.

Marathon runners with bad footwear suffer the agony of defeat.

I’m reading a book about anti-gravity. I can’t put it down.

An egotist has one point in his favour – he doesn’t go round talking about other people.

Why is it that to stop Windows, you have to click on “Start”?

Be careful when reading health books; you may die of a misprint.

Any task worth doing was worth doing yesterday.

You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.

A poor excuse is like an old bucket; doesn’t matter what shape it is in, as long as it holds water.

Hard work never killed anybody but why take the chance?

The scientific theory I like best is that the rings of Saturn are composed entirely of lost airline luggage.

If you choke a smurf, what colour does it turn?

Never put off until tomorrow what you can avoid altogether.

“If builders built buildings the way programmers write programs, then the first woodpecker that came along would destroy civilization” — Weinberg’s Second Law.

Proofread carefully to see if you any words out.

Streakers beware: Your end is in sight.

If people concentrated on the really important things in life, there’d be a shortage of fishing poles.

Acupuncture is a jab well done.

I like to start my periods with sentences.

“How can a president not be an actor?” – when asked “How could an actor become president?” – Ronald Reagan

Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

Even crime wouldn’t pay if the government ran it.

A committee is a body that keeps minutes and wastes hours.

Raising teenagers is like trying to nail Jell-O to a tree.

An egotist is a person of low taste—more interested in himself than in me.

You’re such an inspiration for the way I’ll never choose to be.

A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a train stops. On my desk I have a workstation...

Killed - Personality Incompatibility

Jokes about German sausage are the wurst.

Progress was all right. Only it went on too long.

England has no kidney bank, but it does have a Liverpool.

“Always in motion the future is. Seasick it makes me. That’s why so green I am”. – Yoda

We waste time, so you don’t have to.

Everybody has a photographic memory. Some don’t have film.

I used to think I was indecisive, but now I’m not sure.

Bacteria: the only culture some people have.

You can’t have everything. Where would you put it?

Smoking cures weight problems...eventually...

Jack and Jill did it for the insurance.

Programmer – A red-eyed, mumbling mammal capable of conversing with inanimate objects.

Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?

Chipped dishes never break.

Last night I lay in bed looking up at the stars in the sky and I thought to myself, “Where the heck is the ceiling?”

Promises are like babies: fun to make, but hell to deliver.

No problem is so big and complicated that it can’t be ran away from.

“You have to be careful about being too careful” – Beryl Pfizer

I installed a skylight in my apartment. The people who live above me are furious.

Hypochondria is the only disease I haven’t got.

I don’t have a solution but I admire the problem.

Snowmen fall from Heaven unassembled.

Having more money doesn’t make you happier. I have 50 million dollars but I’m just as happy as when I had 48 million. ~ Arnold Schwarzenegger.

I’m an idealist: I don’t know where I’m going, but I’m on my way.

This mind intentionally left blank

Where you stand depends on where you sit.

Some people are alive only because it’s illegal to kill them.

I used to find him boring until I stopped listening.

What Has Four Legs And An Arm? A Happy Pit Bull.

Authority makes some people grow – and others just swell.

Needing someone is like needing a parachute. If he isn’t there the first time you need him, chances are you won’t be needing him again.

Sheep don’t fly so much as plummet.

I can resist everything except temptation.

Why don’t you ever see the headline “Psychic Wins Lottery”?

Borrow money from pessimists- they don’t expect to get it back.

A clean tie attracts the soup of the day.

If you can’t beat your computer at chess, try kickboxing.

Connection Reset - Insufficient Electrons

“People who drink light beer don’t like the taste of beer; they just like to pee a lot” — Rodney Dangerfield

Never underestimate the power of very stupid people in large groups.

Marriage is a three-ring circus: engagement ring, wedding ring, and suffering.

Mines are equal opportunity weapons.

Marriage changes passion... suddenly you’re in bed with a relative.

“My computer NEVER loc

The light at the end of the tunnel has been turned off due to budget cuts.

Red Tape Holds Up New Bridge!

What sane person could live in this world and not be crazy?

If at first you don’t succeed, try, try again. Then quit. There’s no use being a damned fool about it.

How do you know if a fish is Irish? It has drowned.

The only difference between Genius and Insanity... is success.

You can always spot a well-informed man – his views are the same as yours.

If you want a committed man, look in a mental hospital.

“When in doubt tell the truth.”—Mark Twain

Laughing stock: cattle with a sense of humour.

Despite the cost of living it’s still very popular.

They told me I had type A blood, but it was a Type O

People with narrow minds usually have broad tongues.

Anywhere is walking distance, if you’ve got the time.

Time flies like an arrow – fruit flies like a banana.

There’s a difference between being open-minded and having a hole in your head

He who smiles in a crisis has found someone to blame.

Is there life before death?

It is hard enough to remember my opinions, without also remembering my reasons for them!

Most vegetarians look so much like the food they eat that they can be classified as cannibals.

Military intelligence is a contradiction in terms.

I arise in the morning torn between a desire to improve the world and a desire to enjoy the world. This makes it hard to plan the day.

I love deadlines. I especially like the whooshing sound they make as they go flying by.

I don’t have an attitude problem. You have a perception problem.

“He has been given a large brain by mistake, since for him the spinal cord would fully suffice.” — Albert Einstein

I stayed up all night to see where the sun went. Then it dawned on me.

The most precious thing we have is life. Yet it has absolutely no trade-in value.

I don’t meet competition. I crush it

He who trains his tongue to quote the learned sages, will be known far and wide as a smart ass.

If you don’t pay your exorcist you get repossessed.

Always do sober what you said you’d do drunk. That will teach you to keep your mouth shut.

“I’ve noticed that everyone who is for abortion has already been born.” – Ronald Reagan

In elementary school, in case of fire, you have to line up quietly in a single file line from smallest to tallest. What is the logic? Do tall people burn slower?

Sometimes I wake up grumpy; other times I let her sleep

Warning: Dates in Calendar are closer than they appear.

We spend the first twelve months of our children’s lives teaching them to walk and talk and the next twelve telling them to sit down and shut up.

Gossip: The art of saying nothing while leaving nothing unsaid.

Whenever people agree with me, I always feel I must be wrong.

Save the whales. Collect the whole set.

I’d explain it to you, but your brain would explode.

Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.

An army of deer led by a lion is more to be feared than an army of lions led by a deer.

Santa’s helpers are subordinate clauses.

On the keyboard of life, always keep one finger on the escape key.

When in trouble, fear or doubt, run in circles, scream and shout.

If Bill Gates had a nickel for every time Windows crashed... oh wait, he does.

Under capitalism, man exploits man. Under Communism, it’s just the opposite.

A guy got arrested for playing the guitar. He was fingering a minor.

It used to be only death and taxes were inevitable. Now, of course, there’s shipping and handling, too.

I have great faith in fools; my friends call it self-confidence.

When Chemists die, they barium.

Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.

“You, you and you: panic. The rest of you, come with me.”

Two strings walk into a bar. The first string says to the bartender, “Bartender, I’ll have a beer. u.5n$x5t?*&4ru!2[sACCErJ”. The second string says, “Pardon my friend, he isn’t NULL terminated”.

Did you hear about the cross-eyed teacher who lost her job because she couldn’t control her pupils?

Slow is when someone laps you in the hundred-yard dash

If automobiles had followed the same development cycle as the computer, a Rolls Royce would today cost $100, get a million miles per gallon, and explode once a year, killing everyone inside.

Horn broken. Watch for finger. (on bumper sticker)

Lead us not into temptation. Just tell us where it is; we’ll find it.

To define recursion, we must first define recursion.

Eagles may soar, but weasels don’t get sucked into jet engines.

If life was fair, Elvis would be alive and all the impersonators would be dead.

The more time you spend in reporting on what you are doing, the less time you have to do it in. Stability is achieved when you spend all your time doing nothing but reporting on the nothing you are doing.

Man who eat many prunes get good run for money.

I thought I made a mistake once, but I was wrong.

Climbers aim for the summit because it is there. Bungi jumpers dive off the top because they aren’t all there.

“Your mouse has moved. Windows must be restarted for the change to take effect. Reboot now ? [OK]”

If money talks, it ain’t on speakin’ terms with me.

Anything’s possible... apart from skiing through a revolving door.

PMS jokes aren’t funny. Period.

“I have left orders to be awakened at any time in case of national emergency – even if I’m in a Cabinet meeting.” – Ronald Reagan

A bargain is something you don’t need at a price you can’t resist.

“I wish everyone was peaceful. Then I could take over the planet with a butter knife”—Dogbert

“Banking establishments are more dangerous than standing armies”. — Thomas Jefferson

It’s not true that married men live longer than single men. It only seems longer.

He who laughs last thinks slowest.

One day I will get this peer guy and reset his connection.

Money is flat and meant to be piled up. – Scottish Proverb

Only a fool is astonished by the foolishness of humankind.

All men are equal. Some are just more equal than others.

I got a job at a bakery because I kneaded dough.

I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol.

Succeed in spite of management. Aim Low; Reach Your Goals, Avoid Disappointment.

“Heavier-than-air flying machines are impossible.” — Lord Kelvin, president, Royal Society, 1895.

Don’t Be Sexist – Broads Hate That.

Smith & Wesson — the original point and click interface.

When a clock is hungry, it goes back four seconds.

According to recent study someone is run over by a car every 5 minutes in the city. You’d think the guy would have enough sense to get out of the street.

“Thinking is the hardest work there is, which is probably why so few engage in it”. — Henry Ford

Comedy is tragedy plus time.

If it’s true that we are here to help others, then what exactly are the others here for?

Help Wanted: Telepath. You know where to apply.

Success always occurs in private, and failure in full public view.

If you want your spouse to listen and pay strict attention to every word you say, talk in your sleep.

In a Norwegian cocktail lounge: Ladies are requested not to have children in the bar.

I have kleptomania, but when it gets bad, I take something for it. ~ Robert Benchle

Man who run in front of car get tired.

Take my advice, I don’t use it anyway.

This Would Be Really Funny If It Weren’t Happening To Me.

I’m quite easy to get along with, once you learn to beckon at my every call and yield to all my desires.

If con is the opposite of pro, congress is the opposite of progress.

Man who run behind car get exhausted.

Computers make it easy to do a lot of things, but most of the things that make it easier to do don’t need to be done.

Why is it that doctors call what they do “practice”?

Some people are going to leave a mark on this world, while others will leave a stain.

“I’d rather have a bottle in front of me, than a frontal lobotomy”. — Tom Waits

If vegetable oil comes from vegetables, where does baby oil come from?

I live in my own little world, but it’s ok they know me here.

I wished the buck stopped here, as I could use a few.

My husband says I never listen to him (at least I think that’s what he said)

“The object of war is not to die for your country but to make the other bastard die for his.” – General George Patton

I think that’s how Chicago got started. A bunch of people in New York said, “Gee, I’m enjoying the crime and the poverty, but it just isn’t cold enough. Let’s go west.”—Richard Jeni

People who think they know everything are annoying to those of us who do.

Living is not worth dying for.

Originality is the fine art of remembering what you hear, but forgetting where you heard it.

Am I getting smart with you? How would you know?

The only reason some people get lost in thought is because it’s unfamiliar territory.

Early to rise, early to bed, makes a man healthy but socially dead.

Half our life is spent trying to find something to do with the time we have rushed through life trying to save.

I can please only one person per day. Today is not your day. Tomorrow isn’t looking good either.

After all is said and done, more is said than done.

Eagles may soar, but weasels don’t get sucked into jet engines.

System Error - Windows Loaded

If At First You Don’t Succeed... Blame Someone Else And Seek Counseling.

I have gone to look for myself, if I should return before I get back, keep me here.

Don’t use a big word where a diminutive one will suffice.

“When you starve with a tiger, the tiger starves last”. — Griffin’s Thought

If at first you don’t succeed, try management.

“A patriot must always be ready to defend his country against his government”. — Edward Abbey

Some people are alive only because it’s illegal to kill them.

Foolproof systems don’t take into account the ingenuity of fools.

Connection Reset By Aboriginal With Wire Cutters

Perhaps you’re diagonally parked in a parallel universe?

“Are you going to come quietly, or do I have to use earplugs?”—Vale Spike Milligan

If at first you don’t succeed, skydiving is not your sport.

If quizzes are quizzical, what are tests?

Some people say that I must be a horrible person, but that’s not true. I have the heart of a young boy – in a jar on my desk.

Always try to be modest and be proud of it!

Men have a much better time of it than women; for one thing, they marry later; for another thing they die earlier.

A printer consists of three main parts: the case, the jammed paper tray and the blinking red light

Tip the world over on its side and everything loose will land in Los Angeles.

Englishmen never will be slaves: they are free to do whatever the Government and public opinion allow them to do.

The surprising thing about young fools is how many survive to become old fools.

Where do you find an Irish woodworm? Dead inside a brick.

A great many people think they are thinking when they are merely rearranging their prejudices.

Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don’t.

What’s the definition of a will? (It’s a dead giveaway).

Why is the third hand on the watch called a second hand?

You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say will be misquoted then used against you.

If the French were really intelligent, they’d speak English.

My schoolmates would make love to anything that moved, but I never saw any reason to limit myself.

I always wanted to be a procrastinator, never got around to it though.

Quantum: Noun, word used to sound like I know what I’m talking about while discussing physics I’ve never actually studied.

The sooner you fall behind the more time you’ll have to catch up.

Just remember... if the world didn’t suck, we’d all fall off.

I’ve always wanted to be normal, but lately I’ve come to suspect that this is it.

You’ll never get to heaven if you’re scared of getting high.

If everything is coming your way, you are probably in the wrong lane.

Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying of nothing.

To err is human – and to blame it on a computer is even more so.

Vote for the man who promises least; he’ll be the least disappointing.

The sooner you fall behind the more time you’ll have to catch up.

Be kind to your dentist. He has fillings, too.

Life is far too important to be taken seriously.

Leftists are among the first to speak of their rights.

If you can’t be kind, at least have the decency to be vague.

That which cannot be taken apart will fall apart.

Whenever I feel like exercise, I lie down until the feeling passes.

I am obviously right, and as you disagree with me, then logically you must be wrong.

Make three correct guesses consecutively and you will establish yourself as an expert.

Artificial Intelligence is no match for Natural Stupidity.

One martini is all right, two is too many, and three is not enough.

If sex is such a natural phenomenon, how come there are so many books on how to do it.

Any ship can be a minesweeper... once.

A dog that attends a flea circus most likely will steal the whole show.

It is not my interest to pay the principal, nor my principal to pay the interest.

You have the right to your opinions. I just don’t want to hear them.

I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.

“Few things are harder to put up with than a good example.”—Mark Twain

I’m desperately trying to figure out why kamikaze pilots wore helmets.

He often broke into song because he couldn’t find the key.

Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?

Don’t be irreplaceable; if you cannot be replaced, you cannot be promoted.

Everybody is somebody else’s weirdo.

Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

Legend: a lie that has attained the dignity of age.

In this world, nothing is certain but death and taxes. – Benjamin Franklin

If you’re not wasted, the day is.

Bacteria: the only culture some people have.

I changed my iPod’s name to Titanic. It’s syncing now.

Be thankful for problems. If they were less difficult, someone with less ability might have your job.

“You start coding. I’ll go find out what they want.” — Computer analyst to programmer

Quantum mechanics: The dreams stuff is made of.

Confidence is the feeling you have before you understand the situation.

Before marriage, a man yearns for the woman he loves. After marriage, the ‘Y’ becomes silent.

The number of people watching you is directly proportional to the stupidity of your action.

I married Miss Right. I just didn’t know her first name was Always.

“#define QUESTION ((bb) || !(bb))” — Shakespeare

I don’t like people who take drugs... Customs Officers for example.

I Refuse To Have A Battle Of Wits With An Unarmed Person.

The short fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.

Half of being smart is knowing what you are dumb at.

I took a speed reading course and read ‘War and Peace’ in twenty minutes. It involves Russia. Enough women for four.

When he first ran for office, he appealed to the voters: “I never stole anything in my life. All I ask is a chance.”

Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7th of your life.

Bachelors have consciences, married men have wives.

If you do not make dust, you eat dust.

Five out of four people have trouble with fractions.

Time’s fun when you’re having flies... Kermit the Frog

“Managing senior programmers is like herding cats” — Dave Platt.

In the beginning, there was nothing. Then God said, “Let there be light,” and there was still nothing, but you could see it.

System Error - Windows Loaded

Maybe I’m lucky to be going so slowly, because I may be going in the wrong direction.

A person who smiles in the face of adversity... probably has a scapegoat.

Arguing on the Internet is like competing in the Special Olympics – even if you win, you are still retarded.

We are going on a field trip to the Coca-Cola factory. I hope there are no pop quizzes.

111,111,111 x 111,111,111 = 12,345,678,987,654,321

Time is a great teacher, but unfortunately it kills all its pupils.

Best way to get a man to do something, is to suggest they are too old for it.

If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?

Is Disney World the only people trap operated by a mouse?

I’m out of my mind, but feel free to leave a message.

If you try and don’t succeed, cheat. Repeat until caught. Then lie.

If we don’t succeed, we run the risk of failure.

When you do not know what you are doing, do it neatly.

I like kids, but I don’t think I could eat a whole one.

What do you call a dinosaur with an extensive vocabulary? A thesaurus.

You’re not drunk if you can lie on the floor without holding on.

Seeing a murder on television...will help work off one’s antagonisms. And if you haven’t any antagonisms, the commercials will give you some.

The only perfect science is hindsight.

If puns were outlawed, only outlaws would have puns.

Before you give a colleague a piece of your mind, be sure you can spare it.

Blessed are those who can laugh at themselves, they will never cease to be amused.

I work hard because millions on welfare depend on me.

My one regret in life is that I am not someone else.

Remember... Marriage is the number one cause of divorce. Statistically, 100% of all divorces started with marriage.

When I was young, I could remember anything. Whether it happened or not.

I guess traffic in the city is improving a little. Yesterday, I drove clear across town and only had to shave twice.

When angry count four, when very angry, swear.

For people who like peace and quiet – a phoneless cord.

I haven’t spoken to my wife for 18 months: I don’t like to interrupt her.

I am not a vegetarian because I love animals; I am a vegetarian because I hate plants.

An Irish man was driving to the airport when he saw a sign saying ‘Airport – Left’... So he went home.

Remember, half the people you know are below average.

Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian any more than going to the garage makes you a car.

I have spent my whole life looking for the perfect woman, and now I’ve found her. Too bad she’s looking for the perfect man.

If a job is worth doing well get someone else to do it.

Everybody is ignorant, only on different subjects.

I’m not into working out. My philosophy: No pain, no pain.

What happens if you get scared half to death twice?

Who is General Failure and why is he reading my hard disk?

I get enough exercise just pushing my luck.

He does the work of three men: Larry, Moe and Curly.

Accept that some days you’re the pigeon, and some days you’re the statue.

Everybody lies, but it doesn’t matter since nobody listens.

The world is full of willing people; some willing to work, the rest willing to let them.

It has recently been discovered that research causes cancer in rats.

Men occasionally stumble over the truth, but most of them pick themselves up and hurry off as if nothing had happened. – Winston Churchill

Never argue with an idiot. They drag you down to their level then beat you with experience.

Well if this is the wrong number, why did you answer it?

We Quit Voting Will They All Go Away?

I’m in no shape to exercise.

I had some words with my wife, and she had some paragraphs with me.

Time is God’s way of keeping everything from happening at once.

I majored in liberal arts. Will that be for here or to go?

If I were two-faced, would I be wearing this one?

“I believe in equality for everyone, except reporters and photographers”. — Gandhi

What do you call a dinosaur with an extensive vocabulary? A thesaurus.

In democracy it’s your vote that counts. In feudalism it’s your count that votes.

If olive oil comes from olives, where does baby oil come from?

Why do we wash bath towels, aren’t we clean when we use them?

“If women didn’t exist, all the money in the world would have no meaning.” – Aristotle Onassis

This girl said she recognized me from the vegetarian club, but I’d never met herbivore

Ninety-nine per cent of the people in the world are fools and the rest of us are in great danger of contagion.

I’m not dumb; I just have a command of thoroughly useless information.

I love cats – they taste just like chicken.

I was the next door kid’s imaginary friend.

“The web is a dominatrix. Every where I turn, I see little buttons ordering me to Submit.” — Nytwind.

When you get a bladder infection, urine trouble.

Don’t stop to stomp on ants when the elephants are stampeding.

It’s strange, isn’t it. You stand in the middle of a library and go aaaaagghhhh’ and everyone just stares at you. But you do the same thing on an aeroplane, and everyone joins in.

A conscience does not prevent sin. It only prevents you from enjoying it.

99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.

INDECISION is the key to FLEXIBILITY.

Youth would be an ideal state if it came a little later in life.

He’s so lazy. I’ve seen him step into a revolving door and wait.

Every time I look at you I get a fierce desire to be lonesome.

If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?

Well, if I called the wrong number, why did you answer the phone?

There are three ways to get something done: do it yourself, hire someone, or forbid your kids to do it.

They say if you play a Microsoft CD backwards you hear satanic messages. That’s nothing, if you play it forwards it installs Windows.

The chance of a piece of bread falling with the buttered side down is directly proportional to the cost of the carpet.

There are 10 types of people in the world: Those who understand binary, and those who don’t.

When all other means of communication fail, try words.

My mind works like lightning. One brilliant flash and it is gone.

Character is what you are in the dark.

Never put both feet in your mouth at the same time, because then you don’t have a leg to stand on.

Experience is simply the name we give our mistakes.

“The generation of random numbers is too important to be left to chance.” — Robert R. Coveyou, Oak Ridge National Laboratory.

If I’d known I was going to live this long, I’d have taken better care of myself.

Women like silent men. They think they’re listening.

Next time you wave, use all your fingers.

If you’re not confused, you’re not paying attention.

The most powerful force in the universe is gossip.

When I was a boy I was told that anybody could become president; I’m beginning to believe it.

The amount of work to be done increases in proportion to the amount of work already completed. — VAIL’S SECOND AXIOM

A bachelor is a man who comes to work from a different direction each morning.

“The best thing about the future is that it comes only one day at a time.” – Abraham Lincoln

Men’s faults are many, women have only two. Everything they say, and everything they do.

Remember half the people you know are below average.

We must believe in free will, we have no choice.

Murphy’s Golden Rule: Whoever has the gold makes the rules.

Outside of a dog, a book is probably man’s best friend, and inside of a dog, it’s too dark to read.

What does a clock do when it’s hungry? It goes back four seconds.

There are two kinds of people, those who finish what they start, and so on.

Conscience is the inner voice warning us that someone may be looking.

Honest criticism is hard to take, particularly from a relative, a friend, an acquaintance, or a stranger.

A drop of ink may make a million think.

Booze is the answer. I don’t remember the question.

You look like a million dollars. All green and wrinkled.

I used up all my sick days, so I’m calling in dead.

Politicians are people who, when they see the light at the end of the tunnel, go out and buy more tunnel.

My parents stayed together for forty years, but that was out of spite.

I take everything I can for my kleptomania.

Years ago fairy tales began with “Once upon a time...” Now it’s “If I am elected...”

Anyone can admit they were wrong; the true test is admitting it to someone else.

Sex on television can’t hurt you unless you fall off.

The secret of success is sincerity. Once you can fake that you’ve got it made.

Birthdays are good for you. Statistics show that the people who have the most live the longest.

Democracy is a process by which people are free to choose the man who will get the blame.

The fellow who thinks he knows it all is especially annoying to those of us who do.

When your IQ reaches 80 –– sell.

It’s not that I’m afraid to die; I just don’t want to be there when it happens.

There’s a fine line between genius and insanity. I have erased this line.

It’s bad luck to be superstitious.

I always wanted to be somebody, but I should have been more specific.

Eschew obfuscation.

Constipated People Don’t Give A Crap.

Wine divulges truth.

I didn’t like my beard at first. Then it grew on me.

If you don’t learn to laugh at troubles, you won’t have anything to laugh at when you grow old.

The dictionary is the only place where success comes before work.

Two signs from a Majorcan shop entrance: English well speaking / Here speeching American.

It is said that if you line up all the cars in the world end to end, someone would be stupid enough to try and pass them.

Laugh at your problems; everybody else does.

If at first you don’t succeed, destroy all the evidence that you tried.

“If carrots are so good for the eyes, how come I see so many dead rabbits on the highway?”

“Einstein argued that there must be simplified explanations of nature, because God is not capricious or arbitrary. No such faith comforts the software engineer.” — Fred Brooks.

So Many Pedestrians – So Little Time.

Being a philosopher, I have a problem for every solution.

I’m sorry; you cannot have an outlook on life because it isn’t responding. Microsoft apologises for any inconvenience.

The doctor can bury his mistakes but an architect can only advise his client to plant vines.

“I have never let my schooling interfere with my education.”—Mark Twain

“This report, by its very length, defends itself against the risk of being read”. — Winston Churchill

If I were someone who knew something, who could I tell that would believe me?

I don’t necessarily agree with everything I say.

Man shoots neighbour with machete [The Miami Herald, July 3]

A dyslexic man walks into a bra.

God must love stupid people, he made so many.

I don’t suffer from stress. I’m a carrier.

What if there were no hypothetical questions?

I stayed up all night to see where the sun went. Then it dawned on me.

Youth is a wonderful thing. What a crime to waste it on children.

Abel Tasman on discovering Tasmania, “Too far south for spices and too close to the rim of the earth to be inhabited by anything but freaks and monsters”

“On two occasions I have been asked [by members of Parliament!]: ‘Pray, Mr. Babbage, if you put into the machine wrong figures, will the right answers come out ?’ I am not able rightly to apprehend the kind of confusion of ideas that could provoke such a question.” — Charles Babbage.

This comment is printed on 100% recycled electrons.

Good judgement comes from experience. Experience comes from bad judgement.

Age is a very high price to pay for maturity.

What’s another word for Thesaurus?

Men are from earth. Women are from earth. Deal with it.

Of course, we are all worms—but I like to think, at least, that I am a glow-worm. – Winston Churchill

There is no such thing as an underestimate of average intelligence

Not all men are annoying. Some are dead.

“As a matter of fact” is an expression that precedes many an expression that isn’t.

I used to be apathetic, but now I don’t give a damn.

Once, during prohibition, I was forced to live for days on nothing but food and water.

Consciousness: that annoying time between naps.

Honk if you love peace and quiet.

If all you have is a hammer, everything looks like a nail.

A cartoonist was found dead in his home. Details are sketchy.

I had amnesia once or twice.

When in doubt, mumble.

Statistics are like bikinis – What they reveal is suggestive, but what they conceal is vital.

Isn’t having a smoking section in a restaurant like having a peeing section in a swimming pool?

From the moment I picked your book up until I laid it down I was convulsed with laughter. Some day I intend reading it.

I have the body of a GOD – Buddha.

I am free of all prejudices. I hate everyone equally.

Ever stop to think and forget to start again?

The trouble with life is there’s no background music.

Honesty is the best policy, but insanity is a better defence.

Just because your head is the biggest doesn’t mean it contains the right ideas.

As long as there are tests, there will be prayer in public schools.

A conclusion is simply the place where you got tired of thinking.

The human brain is a wonderful thing. It starts working the moment you are born, and never stops until you stand up to speak in public.

A procrastinator’s work is never done.

Eat a live toad first thing in the morning, and nothing worse can happen to you the rest of the day.

In a Budapest zoo: Please do not feed the animals. If you have any suitable food, give it to the guard on duty.

Fundamentalism: Believe in a kind, loving God or we’ll kill you!

When I’m not in my right mind, my left mind gets pretty crowded

I tried sniffing Coke once, but the ice cubes got stuck in my nose.

“A girl phoned me the other day and said... Come on over, there’s nobody home. I went over. Nobody was home” — Rodney Dangerfield

“There are two major products that come out of Berkeley: LSD and UNIX. We don’t believe this to be a coincidence.” — Jeremy S. Anderson

If a man opens a car door for a woman, either the car is new or the woman.

I have had more trouble with myself than with any other man I’ve met.

Instead of getting married again, I’m going to find a woman I don’t like and just give her a house.—Rod Stewart

One good turn gets most of the blankets.

Illiterate? Write For Help.

If you can’t convince them, confuse them.

Everybody is ignorant, only on different subjects.

I have a simple philosophy. Fill what’s empty. Empty what’s full. Scratch where it itches.

Knowledge is the key, but where is the damn lock?

There are two kinds of people, those who finish what they start, and so on.

The beatings will continue until morale improves.

You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They left a little note on the windscreen, it said ‘Parking Fine.’

This guy walks into a bar and the barman says “Ouch, that must have hurt”

Money is better than poverty, if only for financial reasons.

People don’t grow up; they just learn how to act in public.

I know a guy who is addicted to brake fluid. He says he can stop anytime.

If a President doesn’t do it to his wife, he’ll do it to his country.

If you’re born again, do you have two bellybuttons?

Hang in there; retirement is only thirty years away.

“They say hard work never hurt anybody, but I figure why take the chance.” – Ronald Reagan

Always remember you’re unique, just like everyone else.

I love being married. It’s so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.

“Oh dear,” said God, “I hadn’t thought of that,” and promptly vanished in a puff of logic.

Caution – Driver Legally Blonde!

I wonder how much deeper would the ocean be without sponges.

The art of flying is to throw yourself at the ground and miss.

I’d give my right arm to be ambidextrous.

I don’t enjoy computer jokes; not one bit.

Someone sent me a postcard picture of the earth. On the back it said, “Wish you were here.”

I used to think I was indecisive, but now I’m not sure.

How can you come out of a closet if you never went in there in the first place?

Where there’s a will, I want to be in it.

Make sure your mind isn’t so open that your brains fall out.

I spilled spot remover on my dog. Now he’s gone.

Procrastinate Now!

Compromise: the art of dividing a cake so that everybody believes he or she got the biggest piece.

If it weren’t for the last minute, nothing would ever get done.

“I worked in a pet shop and people kept asking how big I’d get” — Rodney Dangerfield

A soldier who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran.

To find out a girl’s faults, praise her to her girl friends.

Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.

They say you only use ten percent of your brain. What about the other ten?

The earthquake in Washington obviously was the government’s fault.

It’s important to be open-minded, but not SO open-minded that your brains fall out.

Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.

Genius is 1% inspiration, and 99% perspiration.

What hair color do they put on the driver’s licenses of bald men?

I used to be a banker, but then I lost interest.

I don’t suffer from stress. I’m a carrier.

Nobody can be exactly like me. Even I have trouble doing it.

I’d like to see things your way, but I’m looking in another direction.

I majored in liberal arts. Will that be for here or to go?

If at first you do succeed, try to hide your astonishment.

If someone with multiple personalities threatens suicide... is it considered a hostage situation?

I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.

The illegal we do immediately. The unconstitutional takes a little longer. – Henry Kissinger

Madness takes its toll. Please have exact change.

“I could tell that my parents hated me. My bath toys were a toaster and a radio” — Rodney Dangerfield

A day without sun shine is like, you know, night.

Brilliant, but with the social skills of a thermonuclear device.

e=mc^2 where m = the number of cooks required to spoil the broth

I took an IQ test and the results were negative.

A diplomatic husband said to his wife, how do you expect me to remember your birthday when you never look any older?

How do you keep an Irishman busy? Write P.T.O on both sides of a piece of paper.

All those who believe in psycho kinesis raise my hand.

Cab drivers are living proof that practice does not make perfect.

I married my wife for her looks... but not the ones she’s been giving me lately!

Shin: a device for finding furniture in the dark.

If trees could scream, would we be so cavalier about cutting them down? We might, if they screamed all the time, for no good reason.

Time sneaks up on you like a windshield on a bug.

Latest survey shows that 3 out of 4 people make up 75% of the world’s population.

In a Tokyo shop: Our nylons cost more than common, but you’ll find they are best in the long run.

Allow me to introduce my selves.

I fear my inferiority complex is not as good as yours.

The best computer is a man, and it’s the only one that can be mass-produced by unskilled labour.

Don’t use a big word where a diminutive one will suffice.

Solitude is fine, but you need someone to tell you that solitude is fine.

“Everyday I beat my own previous record for number of consecutive days I’ve stayed alive.”

Hope sees the invisible, feels the intangible and achieves the impossible.

Laugh and the world laughs with you; snore and you sleep alone.

Errors have been made. Others will be blamed.

“Then he ran into my knife. He ran into my knife ten times.” – Chicago

To succeed in politics, it is often necessary to rise above your principles.

Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way when you criticize them, you are a mile away from them and you have their shoes.

“Life is a waste of time, time is a waste of life, so get wasted all of the time and have the time of your life”. — Tom Waits

For Sale: Parachute. Only used once, never opened, small stain.

People can be divided into three groups: Those who make things happen, those who watch things happen, and those who wonder what happened.

You can say any foolish thing to a dog, and the dog will give you a look that says, “My God, you’re right! I never would’ve thought of that!”

A bird does not sing because it has an answer—it sings because it has a song.

Cleverly Disguised As A Responsible Adult.

At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be “What is hell?” Come early and listen to our choir practice.

I dropped out of communism class because of lousy Marx.

“Hey, I’ve got reasons for what I’m doing,” REALLY MEANS, “I sure hope I think of some pretty soon.”

“I am not worried about the deficit. It is big enough to take care of itself.” – Ronald Reagan

The things that come to those that wait may be the things left by those who got there first.

When you come to a fork in the road, take it.

On the other hand you have different fingers.

In a Rome laundry: Ladies, leave your clothes here and spend the afternoon having a good time.

“Blink your eyelids periodically to lubricate your eyes.” — Page 16 of the HP “Environmental, Health Safety Handbook for Employees”.

The shortest distance between two points is under construction.

Nothing means nothing, but it isn’t really nothing because nothing is something that isn’t.

Cole’s Law: Thinly sliced cabbage.

The second day of a diet is alway easier than the first. By the second day, you’re off it.

Get a new car for your spouse – it’ll be a great trade!

Roses are red, Violets are blue. In Soviet Russia, Poems write you.

Technology is a way of organizing the universe so that man doesn’t have to experience it.

A hangover is the wrath of grapes.

“Every mighty oak was once just a nut who stood his ground.”

It is even harder for the average ape to believe that he has descended from man.

Just because you’re not paranoid doesn’t mean they’re not out to get you.

Never buy a car you can’t push.

“I think there is a world market for maybe five computers.” — Thomas Watson, chairman of IBM, 1943.

Outside a Hong Kong tailor shop: Ladies may have a fit upstairs.

There are two types of people in this world, good and bad. The good sleep better, but the bad seem to enjoy the waking hours much more.

To B or not to B? *kills the B* I HATE BEES!!!! – LynxofCP

I did a theatrical performance about puns. It was a play on words.

Alcohol: the cause of, and solution to, all of life’s problems.

I don’t believe in astrology. I am a Sagittarius and we’re very skeptical. ~ Arthur C. Clarke

In the office of a Roman doctor: Specialist in women and other diseases.

It is a small world, but I wouldn’t like to have to paint it.

How do you sink an Irish Submarine? Knock on the hatch.

Oh, don’t fuss. I just cut myself. It’s no big deal,” REALLY MEANS, “I have actually severed a limb, but will bleed to death before I admit I’m hurt.”

Bachelors know more about women than married men; if they didn’t they’d be married too.

Bigamy is having one wife too many. Monogamy is the same. – Oscar Wilde

We’ve made great medical progress in the last generation. What used to be merely an itch is now an allergy.

Marriage is not a word; it is a sentence.

Love is like an hourglass, with the heart filling up as the brain empties.

If the world should blow itself up, the last audible voice would be that of an expert saying it can’t be done.

Early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.

If you don’t know why I’m mad at you, then I’m certainly not going to tell you

Advertisement for donkey rides in Thailand: Would you like to ride on your own ass?

Ours is a world where people don’t know what they want and are willing to go through hell to get it.

I don’t approve of political jokes... I’ve seen too many of them get elected.

Whenever there is any doubt, there is no doubt.

There is nothing so annoying as to have two people go right on talking when you’re interrupting.

Anything not nailed down is mine. Anything I can pry loose is not nailed down.

Blessed are the young, for they shall inherit the national debt.

The trouble with jogging is that, by the time you realise you’re not in shape for it, it’s far too far to walk back.

One of the greatest labour-saving inventions today is tomorrow.

I tried to photograph the fog, but I mist.

Heck is where people go who don’t believe in gosh.

If we learn by our mistakes, some of us are getting one hell of an education!

If you can’t dazzle them with brilliance... just baffle them with bullsh*t.

Democracy is a government where you can say what you think even if you don’t think.

Anger is only one letter away from danger.

The dumber people think you are, the more surprised they’re going to be when you kill them—Rodney Dangerfield

Go the extra mile. It makes your boss look like an incompetent slacker.

If you don’t know where you are going, you will wind up somewhere else.

Humour. It is a difficult concept. It is not logical.

“I would like to live in Manchester, England. The transition between Manchester and death would be unnoticeable”. — Mark Twain

It is hard to understand how a cemetery raised its burial charges and blamed it on the cost of living.

“How come we choose from just two people to run for president and 50 for Miss America?”

Lots of people know a good thing the minute the other fellow sees it first.

Pick your friends but not to pieces.

Tell me what you need, and I’ll tell you how to get along without it.

It’s just a job. Grass grows, birds fly, waves pound the sand. I just beat people up. – Muhammad Ali

Venison for dinner again? Oh deer!

A synonym is a word you use when you can’t spell the word you first thought of.

Well, this day was a total waste of makeup.

Work: It isn’t just for sleeping anymore.

Why does Sea World have a seafood restaurant? I’m halfway through my fish burger and I realize, Oh my gosh... I could be eating a slow learner.

How Many Roads Must A Man Travel Down Before He Admits He Is Lost?

Everything you like is bad for you in some way.

The man who fell into an upholstery machine is fully recovered.

Everyone hates me because I’m paranoid.

My girlfriend told me I should be more affectionate. So I got two more girlfriends.

Cluster bombing from B-52s is very, very accurate – the bombs always hit the ground.

“Reader, suppose you were an idiot. And suppose you were a member of Congress. But I repeat myself”. — Mark Twain

If it’s 0 degrees today and it’s going to be twice as cold tomorrow... how cold will it be?

Restarting System - Mouse Moved

Tips for Vegetarians: Hit a chicken enough times and it turns into a vegetable.

I heard a man say that brigands demand your money or your life, whereas women require both.

Being in the army is like being in the Boy Scouts, except that the Boy Scouts have adult supervision.

Somewhere on this globe, every ten seconds, is a woman giving birth to a child. She must be found and stopped.

“Always be sincere, even when you don’t mean it”. — Irene Peter

“War does not determine who is right - only who is left.” – Bertrand Russell

Someday we’ll look back on all this and plow into the back of a parked car.

Applying computer technology is simply finding the right wrench to pound in the correct screw.

AIBOHPHOBIA – the fear of palindromes.

Why is the man that invests your money called a broker?

Age always corresponds inversely to the size of your multivitamin.

I have noticed that the people who are late are often so much jollier that the people who have to wait for them.

It is not what a teenager knows that bothers his parents. It is how he found out.

Partying... oops No Only Parting... sorry

I plead contemporary insanity.

It doesn’t matter what temperature the room is; it’s always room temperature.

Even paranoids have real enemies.

Everything is possible; just not too probable.

I spent most of my money on booze, drugs and women... The rest I wasted!

Sheep don’t fly so much as plummet.

By the time a man realises that his father was right, he has a son who thinks he’s wrong.

Age is an issue of mind over matter. If you don’t mind, it doesn’t matter.

If you think nobody cares if you’re alive, try missing a couple of car payments.

You have to stay in shape. My grandmother, she started walking five miles a day when she was 60. She’s 97 today and we don’t know where the hell she is.

A pessimist is a man who has been compelled to live with an optimist

Broken pencils are pointless.

A baby sitter is a teenager acting like an adult while the adults are out acting like teenagers.

I wondered why the baseball was getting bigger. Then it hit me.

IRS: We’ve got what it takes to take what you’ve got.

Age is a question of mind over matter. If you don’t mind, it don’t matter.

“This ‘telephone’ has too many shortcomings to be seriously considered as a means of communication.” — Western Union internal memo, 1876.

Pardon my driving, I am reloading.

“Things are more like they are now than they ever were before.” – Former U.S. President Dwight D. Eisenhower

“I’ve been on a calendar but I have never been on time” – Marilyn Monroe

Doctor, Doctor You’ve got to help me – I just can’t stop my hands shaking. Do you drink a lot? Not really – I spill most of it!

Jokes about German sausage are the wurst.

TEAMWORK... means never having to take all the blame yourself.

My favorite mythical creature? The honest politician.

I hate women because they always know where things are.

I am amazed at radio DJ’s today. I am firmly convinced that AM on my radio stands for Absolute Moron. I will not begin to tell you what FM stands for.

My husband and I divorced over religious differences... He thought he was God and I didn’t.

My reality check just bounced.

Support bacteria – they’re the only culture some people have.

I laugh in the face of danger, except if I’m involved.

I generally avoid temptation unless I can’t resist it.

All the toilets in New York’s police stations have been stolen. The police have nothing to go on.

I’m an apathetic sociopath – I’d kill you if I cared.

Mind like a steel trap – rusty and illegal in most states.

Don’t look back. Something may be gaining on you.

Don’t marry for money. You can borrow it cheaper.

Haunted French pancakes give me the crêpes.

I’m not afraid of heights, only widths.

Friends may come and go, but enemies accumulate

Better to remain silent and be thought a fool, than to speak and remove all doubt.

Every morning is the dawn of a new error.

Plato is dead, Einstein is dead, and I’m not feeling too good myself...

Lord, if you won’t make me skinny, please make all my friends fat.

Velcro — what a rip off!

“There are only two things that are infinite: the universe and human stupidity. And I’m not sure about the universe.” A. Einstein

Love is blind, but marriage is a real eye-opener.

Anything not nailed down is a cat toy.

I like children. Properly cooked.

My mind not only wanders, sometimes it leaves completely.

I envy people who drink – at least they know what to blame everything on.

I used to be a Kleptomaniac, But now I’m taking something for it

Mental Floss prevents Moral Decay.

It is a fitting irony that under Richard Nixon, ‘launder’ became a dirty word.

If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?

Those who can laugh without cause have either found the true meaning of happiness or have gone stark raving mad.

Plan to be spontaneous tomorrow.

I couldn’t repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.

Don’t take life too seriously—you’ll never get out of it alive.

Confidence is the feeling you have before you understand the situation

A bird in the hand is safer than one overhead.

If the human brain were so simple that we could understand it, we would be so simple we couldn’t.

The truth is a precious commodity. That’s why I use it so sparingly.

“There is no reason anyone would want a computer in their home.” — Ken Olson, founder of Digital Equipment Corp., 1977.

It’s hard to face the problem, when the problem is your face.

It is wiser to find out than to suppose.—Mark Twain

“C++ : Where friends have access to your private members.” — Gavin Russell Baker.

I started out with nothing, and I still have most of it.

Insanity is hereditary; you can get it from your children.

Brain: an apparatus with which we think we think.

Everyone needs belief in something. I believe I’ll have another beer.

If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?

If ever I get married again it would have to be under an anaesthetic.

I Haven’t Lost My Mind, It’s Backed Up On Disk Somewhere.

Anyone who told you to be yourself couldn’t have given you worse advice.

“You can always count on Americans to do the right thing—after they’ve tried everything else” – Winston Churchill

We have two ends. One for sitting and one for thinking. Our success depends on which one we use most.

Shin: a device for finding furniture in the dark.

It is well to remember the entire population of the universe, with one trifling exception, is composed of others.

Be nice to your kids. They’ll choose your nursing home.

“Auntie Em: hate you, hate Kansas, taking the dog.” – Dorothy

There are only three kinds of people; people who can count and people who can’t.

A study in the Washington Post says that women have better verbal skills than men. I just want to say to the authors of that study: “Duh.”— Conan O’Brien

The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.

Why is it called tourist season if we can’t shoot at them?

Life is complex: it has real and imaginary parts.

Democracy is the recurrent suspicion that more than half of the people are right more than half of the time.

I was at a bar nursing a beer. My nipple was getting quite soggy.

Optimists believe we live on the greatest world. Pessimists believe this is true.

Work expands to fill the time available. — PARKINSON’S LAW

I intend to live forever – so far, so good.

I thought I wanted a career, turns out I just wanted paychecks.

A penny saved is a Congressional spending oversight.

I am a nobody, nobody is perfect, therefore I’m perfect.

“Reading computer manuals without the hardware is as frustrating as reading sex manuals without the software.” — Arthur C. Clarke.

I hope that after I die, people will say of me: “That guy sure owed me a lot of money.”

There are very few personal problems that cannot be solved through a suitable application of high explosives.

Don’t talk unless you can improve the silence.

Cheer up, the worst is yet to come.

How did Moses make his tea? Hebrews it.

All my life, I always wanted to be somebody. Now I see that I should have been more specific.

One should forgive one’s enemies, but not before they are hanged.

Chaos, panic, & disorder – my work here is done.

Cheerfulness is contagious, but don’t wait to catch it from others. Be a carrier.

A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat.

There are 3 kinds of people: those who can count and those who can’t.

In a Copenhagen airline ticket office: We take your bags and send them in all directions.

If we aren’t supposed to eat animals, why are they made of meat?

If I have to work for an idiot, I might as well work for myself.

Half of the people in the world are below average.

If you don’t know where you are going, you might wind up someplace else.

If you can stay calm, while all around you is chaos... then you probably haven’t completely understood the situation.

The difference between a stepping-stone and a stumbling block can be when you see it.

Remember the teakettle; though up to its neck in hot water, it continues to sing.

Prediction is extremely difficult. Especially about the future.

The trouble with the rat race is that even if you win, you’re still a rat.

My life has a superb cast but I can’t figure out the plot.

At the age of six I wanted to be a cook. At seven I wanted to be Napoleon. And my ambition has been growing steadily ever since.

Sometimes I think the surest sign that intelligent life exists elsewhere in the universe is that none of it has tried to contact us.

History will be kind to me for I intend to write it. – Winston Churchill

Being single is like a vacuum. It sucks when you are turned on.

Why were the Indians here first? They had reservations.

How do I set a laser printer to stun?

I either want less corruption, or more chance to participate in it.

Does your train of thought have a caboose?

A team effort is a lot of people doing what I say

Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?

I think animal testing is a terrible idea; they get all nervous and give the wrong answers.

As a final incentive before giving up a difficult task, try to imagine it successfully accomplished by someone you violently dislike.

Man who drive like hell bound to get there.

If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?

I often quote myself; it adds spice to my conversation.

Some pain is physical, and some is mental, but one that’s both is dental.

There’s a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot.

Does this smell like chloroform to you?

If you can’t convince them, confuse them.

Nick Overruled - Democratic Majority Decision

Modesty is a virtue of fools.

One good thing about repeating your mistakes is that you know when to cringe.

It’s easy to quit smoking... I’ve done it over 10,000 times.

The day I can’t do my job drunk is the day I turn in my badge and gun.

Money can’t buy happiness, but it sure makes misery easier to live with.

Never go to a doctor whose office plants have died.

If it weren’t for electricity we’d all be watching television by candlelight?

“My wife made me join a bridge club. I jump off next Tuesday” — Rodney Dangerfield

On the plus side, death is one of the few things that can be done just as easily as lying down.

Anything that can become tangled around something else, will.

I’ve been trying for some time to develop a life style that doesn’t require my presence.

Life... I don’t get it...

Doctor, Doctor I keep getting pains in the eye when I drink coffee. Have you tried taking the spoon out?

Without question, the greatest invention in the history of mankind is beer. Oh, I grant you that the wheel was also a fine invention, but the wheel does not go nearly as well with pizza.

Stupidity is not a handicap. Park elsewhere!

I think, therefore I am single.

An Apple a day keeps the doctor away. But... an onion a day keeps everyone away.

Moderation in all things, including moderation.

How do you get an Irishman to burn his ear? Ring him up while he is ironing.

The trouble with our times is that the future is not what it used to be.

“Inconceivable!” “I do not think that word means what you think it means.”

Hemp is a herb. Bush is a dope.

If a woman has to choose between catching a fly ball and saving an infant’s life, she will choose to save the infant’s life without even considering if there is a man on base.—Dave Barry

Seen it all, done it all, can’t remember most of it.

Energizer Bunny arrested: Charged with battery.

I want to die peacefully in my sleep like my grandfather, not screaming in abject horror like his passengers.

It’s not hard to meet expenses, they’re everywhere.

Get even – live long enough to be a problem to your kids.

As the light changed from red to green to yellow and back to red again, I sat there thinking about life. Was it nothing more than a bunch of honking and yelling? Sometimes it seemed that way.

Men don’t care what’s on TV. They only care what else is on TV.

A backwards poet writes inverse.

The early bird gets the worm, but the early worm gets eaten.

Keyboard not detected. Press F1 to continue

Man does not live by words alone, despite the fact that sometimes he has to eat them.

He’s not dead, he’s electroencephalographically challenged.

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