Amusing Quotes & One-Liners — Ned Martin’s Amused

Amusing Quotes & One-Liners

A dyslexic man walks into a bra.

Bachelors have consciences, married men have wives.

I have gone to look for myself, if I should return before I get back, keep me here.

What hair color do they put on the driver’s licenses of bald men?

I’m out of my mind, but feel free to leave a message.

Seeing a murder on television...will help work off one’s antagonisms. And if you haven’t any antagonisms, the commercials will give you some.

I have the body of a GOD – Buddha.

If everything is coming your way, you are probably in the wrong lane.

Plato is dead, Einstein is dead, and I’m not feeling too good myself...

Originality is the fine art of remembering what you hear, but forgetting where you heard it.

He’s so lazy. I’ve seen him step into a revolving door and wait.

According to recent study someone is run over by a car every 5 minutes in the city. You’d think the guy would have enough sense to get out of the street.

Always try to be modest and be proud of it!

When in doubt, mumble.

A cartoonist was found dead in his home. Details are sketchy.

I don’t enjoy computer jokes; not one bit.

Age is an issue of mind over matter. If you don’t mind, it doesn’t matter.

Having more money doesn’t make you happier. I have 50 million dollars but I’m just as happy as when I had 48 million. ~ Arnold Schwarzenegger.

“Blink your eyelids periodically to lubricate your eyes.” — Page 16 of the HP “Environmental, Health Safety Handbook for Employees”.

Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?

“Auntie Em: hate you, hate Kansas, taking the dog.” – Dorothy

Honest criticism is hard to take, particularly from a relative, a friend, an acquaintance, or a stranger.

Everybody is ignorant, only on different subjects.

If you’re not confused, you’re not paying attention.

Warning: Dates in Calendar are closer than they appear.

Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way when you criticize them, you are a mile away from them and you have their shoes.

Haunted French pancakes give me the crêpes.

I dropped out of communism class because of lousy Marx.

I’m an apathetic sociopath – I’d kill you if I cared.

Some people are alive only because it’s illegal to kill them.

“I am not worried about the deficit. It is big enough to take care of itself.” – Ronald Reagan

You can say any foolish thing to a dog, and the dog will give you a look that says, “My God, you’re right! I never would’ve thought of that!”

What does a clock do when it’s hungry? It goes back four seconds.

My husband and I divorced over religious differences... He thought he was God and I didn’t.

“I have never let my schooling interfere with my education.”—Mark Twain

“My wife made me join a bridge club. I jump off next Tuesday” — Rodney Dangerfield

I’m sorry; you cannot have an outlook on life because it isn’t responding. Microsoft apologises for any inconvenience.

Technology is a way of organizing the universe so that man doesn’t have to experience it.

What’s the definition of a will? (It’s a dead giveaway).

“This report, by its very length, defends itself against the risk of being read”. — Winston Churchill

I used to think I was indecisive, but now I’m not sure.

Cleverly Disguised As A Responsible Adult.

All the toilets in New York’s police stations have been stolen. The police have nothing to go on.

Don’t use a big word where a diminutive one will suffice.

I don’t suffer from stress. I’m a carrier.

This girl said she recognized me from the vegetarian club, but I’d never met herbivore

Democracy is a government where you can say what you think even if you don’t think.

Five out of four people have trouble with fractions.

Bachelors know more about women than married men; if they didn’t they’d be married too.

The scientific theory I like best is that the rings of Saturn are composed entirely of lost airline luggage.

A baby sitter is a teenager acting like an adult while the adults are out acting like teenagers.

Better to remain silent and be thought a fool, than to speak and remove all doubt.

He does the work of three men: Larry, Moe and Curly.

Is Disney World the only people trap operated by a mouse?

Life is complex: it has real and imaginary parts.

To B or not to B? *kills the B* I HATE BEES!!!! – LynxofCP

It is not what a teenager knows that bothers his parents. It is how he found out.

Caution – Driver Legally Blonde!

I’m quite easy to get along with, once you learn to beckon at my every call and yield to all my desires.

It’s strange, isn’t it. You stand in the middle of a library and go aaaaagghhhh’ and everyone just stares at you. But you do the same thing on an aeroplane, and everyone joins in.

As long as there are tests, there will be prayer in public schools.

Sometimes I wake up grumpy; other times I let her sleep

Progress was all right. Only it went on too long.

Pardon my driving, I am reloading.

It’s important to be open-minded, but not SO open-minded that your brains fall out.

If it’s 0 degrees today and it’s going to be twice as cold tomorrow... how cold will it be?

There are 3 kinds of people: those who can count and those who can’t.

In elementary school, in case of fire, you have to line up quietly in a single file line from smallest to tallest. What is the logic? Do tall people burn slower?

Sex on television can’t hurt you unless you fall off.

Whenever people agree with me, I always feel I must be wrong.

Tip the world over on its side and everything loose will land in Los Angeles.

Confidence is the feeling you have before you understand the situation

When all other means of communication fail, try words.

Plan to be spontaneous tomorrow.

The more time you spend in reporting on what you are doing, the less time you have to do it in. Stability is achieved when you spend all your time doing nothing but reporting on the nothing you are doing.

Why is it that doctors call what they do “practice”?

Chipped dishes never break.

Living is not worth dying for.

I’m not afraid of heights, only widths.

You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say will be misquoted then used against you.

I married Miss Right. I just didn’t know her first name was Always.

Before marriage, a man yearns for the woman he loves. After marriage, the ‘Y’ becomes silent.

Insanity is hereditary; you can get it from your children.

Democracy is a process by which people are free to choose the man who will get the blame.

Birthdays are good for you. Statistics show that the people who have the most live the longest.

Everything is possible; just not too probable.

The dumber people think you are, the more surprised they’re going to be when you kill them—Rodney Dangerfield

I don’t approve of political jokes... I’ve seen too many of them get elected.

I love work; it fascinates me; I can sit and watch it for hours.

Everybody is ignorant, only on different subjects.

Venison for dinner again? Oh deer!

Never go to a doctor whose office plants have died.

There are very few personal problems that cannot be solved through a suitable application of high explosives.

Just because your head is the biggest doesn’t mean it contains the right ideas.

“He has been given a large brain by mistake, since for him the spinal cord would fully suffice.” — Albert Einstein

It doesn’t matter what temperature the room is; it’s always room temperature.

If you can’t convince them, confuse them.

He often broke into song because he couldn’t find the key.

If we aren’t supposed to eat animals, why are they made of meat?

Best way to get a man to do something, is to suggest they are too old for it.

Youth would be an ideal state if it came a little later in life.

Acupuncture is a jab well done.

God must love stupid people, he made so many.

Man who drive like hell bound to get there.

If you don’t know where you are going, you might wind up someplace else.

Not all men are annoying. Some are dead.

A dog that attends a flea circus most likely will steal the whole show.

Stupidity is not a handicap! Park somewhere else!

All men are equal. Some are just more equal than others.

Instead of getting married again, I’m going to find a woman I don’t like and just give her a house.—Rod Stewart

If at first you do succeed, try to hide your astonishment.

Cheer up, the worst is yet to come.

“Life is a waste of time, time is a waste of life, so get wasted all of the time and have the time of your life”. — Tom Waits

The secret of success is sincerity. Once you can fake that you’ve got it made.

I don’t have an attitude problem. You have a perception problem.

A guy got arrested for playing the guitar. He was fingering a minor.


Marriage changes passion... suddenly you’re in bed with a relative.

I either want less corruption, or more chance to participate in it.

I love cats – they taste just like chicken.

Brilliant, but with the social skills of a thermonuclear device.

Lord, if you won’t make me skinny, please make all my friends fat.

I didn’t like my beard at first. Then it grew on me.

e=mc^2 where m = the number of cooks required to spoil the broth

Computers make it easy to do a lot of things, but most of the things that make it easier to do don’t need to be done.

I am not a vegetarian because I love animals; I am a vegetarian because I hate plants.

Humour. It is a difficult concept. It is not logical.

It’s not hard to meet expenses, they’re everywhere.

Life is far too important to be taken seriously.

Remember the teakettle; though up to its neck in hot water, it continues to sing.

There is no such thing as an underestimate of average intelligence

Solitude is fine, but you need someone to tell you that solitude is fine.

“You have to be careful about being too careful” – Beryl Pfizer

Despite the cost of living it’s still very popular.

Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?

Blessed are the young, for they shall inherit the national debt.

I get enough exercise just pushing my luck.

On the other hand you have different fingers.

If I’d known I was going to live this long, I’d have taken better care of myself.

If you can’t be kind, at least have the decency to be vague.

The only difference between Genius and Insanity... is success.

The man who fell into an upholstery machine is fully recovered.

Nick Overruled - Democratic Majority Decision

If a woman has to choose between catching a fly ball and saving an infant’s life, she will choose to save the infant’s life without even considering if there is a man on base.—Dave Barry

If quizzes are quizzical, what are tests?

“People who drink light beer don’t like the taste of beer; they just like to pee a lot” — Rodney Dangerfield

I always wanted to be somebody, but I should have been more specific.

“There is no reason anyone would want a computer in their home.” — Ken Olson, founder of Digital Equipment Corp., 1977.

Accept that some days you’re the pigeon, and some days you’re the statue.

I stayed up all night to see where the sun went. Then it dawned on me.

Everybody has a photographic memory. Some don’t have film.

There is nothing so annoying as to have two people go right on talking when you’re interrupting.

The amount of work to be done increases in proportion to the amount of work already completed. — VAIL’S SECOND AXIOM

Moderation in all things, including moderation.

Programmer – A red-eyed, mumbling mammal capable of conversing with inanimate objects.

Outside of a dog, a book is probably man’s best friend, and inside of a dog, it’s too dark to read.

Don’t Be Sexist – Broads Hate That.

Constipated People Don’t Give A Crap.

System Error - Windows Loaded

Being single is like a vacuum. It sucks when you are turned on.

Marriage is a three-ring circus: engagement ring, wedding ring, and suffering.

Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

Get even – live long enough to be a problem to your kids.

Anyone who told you to be yourself couldn’t have given you worse advice.

The sooner you fall behind the more time you’ll have to catch up.

Don’t talk unless you can improve the silence.

How can you come out of a closet if you never went in there in the first place?

Get a new car for your spouse – it’ll be a great trade!

When I was young, I could remember anything. Whether it happened or not.

I have great faith in fools; my friends call it self-confidence.

I married my wife for her looks... but not the ones she’s been giving me lately!

Whenever I feel like exercise, I lie down until the feeling passes.

How do I set a laser printer to stun?

Alcohol: the cause of, and solution to, all of life’s problems.

Military intelligence is a contradiction in terms.

“Inconceivable!” “I do not think that word means what you think it means.”

“How can a president not be an actor?” – when asked “How could an actor become president?” – Ronald Reagan

“War does not determine who is right - only who is left.” – Bertrand Russell

Always remember you’re unique, just like everyone else.

Bacteria: the only culture some people have.

Time is a great teacher, but unfortunately it kills all its pupils.

Borrow money from pessimists- they don’t expect to get it back.

I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol.

A drop of ink may make a million think.

Half of being smart is knowing what you are dumb at.

I was the next door kid’s imaginary friend.

To find out a girl’s faults, praise her to her girl friends.

If you can’t convince them, confuse them.

Pick your friends but not to pieces.

We must believe in free will, we have no choice.

Those who can laugh without cause have either found the true meaning of happiness or have gone stark raving mad.

“How come we choose from just two people to run for president and 50 for Miss America?”

There are three ways to get something done: do it yourself, hire someone, or forbid your kids to do it.

Murphy’s Golden Rule: Whoever has the gold makes the rules.

Why does Sea World have a seafood restaurant? I’m halfway through my fish burger and I realize, Oh my gosh... I could be eating a slow learner.

The trouble with life is there’s no background music.

Remember half the people you know are below average.

“My computer NEVER loc

Who is General Failure and why is he reading my hard disk?

Eat a live toad first thing in the morning, and nothing worse can happen to you the rest of the day.

My schoolmates would make love to anything that moved, but I never saw any reason to limit myself.

You look like a million dollars. All green and wrinkled.

I’ve always wanted to be normal, but lately I’ve come to suspect that this is it.

Always do sober what you said you’d do drunk. That will teach you to keep your mouth shut.

I work hard because millions on welfare depend on me.

Anyone can admit they were wrong; the true test is admitting it to someone else.

If I have to work for an idiot, I might as well work for myself.

Every morning is the dawn of a new error.

Santa’s helpers are subordinate clauses.

In the office of a Roman doctor: Specialist in women and other diseases.

I’d explain it to you, but your brain would explode.

“Things are more like they are now than they ever were before.” – Former U.S. President Dwight D. Eisenhower

Nobody can be exactly like me. Even I have trouble doing it.

An Irish man was driving to the airport when he saw a sign saying ‘Airport – Left’... So he went home.

When you do not know what you are doing, do it neatly.

If you think nobody cares if you’re alive, try missing a couple of car payments.

When life hands you a lemon, make lemonade.

“You can always count on Americans to do the right thing—after they’ve tried everything else” – Winston Churchill

Time sneaks up on you like a windshield on a bug.

If it’s true that we are here to help others, then what exactly are the others here for?

My reality check just bounced.

There are two types of people in this world, good and bad. The good sleep better, but the bad seem to enjoy the waking hours much more.

At the age of six I wanted to be a cook. At seven I wanted to be Napoleon. And my ambition has been growing steadily ever since.

How do you know if a fish is Irish? It has drowned.

Money is flat and meant to be piled up. – Scottish Proverb

Marriage is not a word; it is a sentence.

“The generation of random numbers is too important to be left to chance.” — Robert R. Coveyou, Oak Ridge National Laboratory.

“The web is a dominatrix. Every where I turn, I see little buttons ordering me to Submit.” — Nytwind.

I wonder how much deeper would the ocean be without sponges.

A penny saved is a Congressional spending oversight.

If a job is worth doing well get someone else to do it.

“I’ve noticed that everyone who is for abortion has already been born.” – Ronald Reagan

Everyone hates me because I’m paranoid.

An Apple a day keeps the doctor away. But... an onion a day keeps everyone away.

Quantum mechanics: The dreams stuff is made of.

I’m an idealist: I don’t know where I’m going, but I’m on my way.

“I wish everyone was peaceful. Then I could take over the planet with a butter knife”—Dogbert

Smith & Wesson — the original point and click interface.

“I’ve been on a calendar but I have never been on time” – Marilyn Monroe

Remember, half the people you know are below average.

A conscience does not prevent sin. It only prevents you from enjoying it.

If sex is such a natural phenomenon, how come there are so many books on how to do it.

I wondered why the baseball was getting bigger. Then it hit me.

He who smiles in a crisis has found someone to blame.

A person who smiles in the face of adversity... probably has a scapegoat.

All my life, I always wanted to be somebody. Now I see that I should have been more specific.

They told me I had type A blood, but it was a Type O

If you can’t beat your computer at chess, try kickboxing.

“Thinking is the hardest work there is, which is probably why so few engage in it”. — Henry Ford

What Has Four Legs And An Arm? A Happy Pit Bull.

I have a simple philosophy. Fill what’s empty. Empty what’s full. Scratch where it itches.

It is even harder for the average ape to believe that he has descended from man.

“If carrots are so good for the eyes, how come I see so many dead rabbits on the highway?”

If at first you don’t succeed, try, try again. Then quit. There’s no use being a damned fool about it.

I heard a man say that brigands demand your money or your life, whereas women require both.

When angry count four, when very angry, swear.

I have spent my whole life looking for the perfect woman, and now I’ve found her. Too bad she’s looking for the perfect man.

I haven’t spoken to my wife for 18 months: I don’t like to interrupt her.

I don’t want to achieve immortality through my work. I want to achieve immortality through not dying.

That which cannot be taken apart will fall apart.

Does your train of thought have a caboose?

A bachelor is a man who comes to work from a different direction each morning.

Plagiarism saves time.

Men don’t care what’s on TV. They only care what else is on TV.

If the world should blow itself up, the last audible voice would be that of an expert saying it can’t be done.

Smoking cures weight problems...eventually...

An egotist is a person of low taste—more interested in himself than in me.

Needing someone is like needing a parachute. If he isn’t there the first time you need him, chances are you won’t be needing him again.

My one regret in life is that I am not someone else.

Snowmen fall from Heaven unassembled.

I am free of all prejudices. I hate everyone equally.

I’m in no shape to exercise.

The early bird gets the worm, but the early worm gets eaten.

Somewhere on this globe, every ten seconds, is a woman giving birth to a child. She must be found and stopped.

The illegal we do immediately. The unconstitutional takes a little longer. – Henry Kissinger

Knowledge is the key, but where is the damn lock?

“Reader, suppose you were an idiot. And suppose you were a member of Congress. But I repeat myself”. — Mark Twain

Cab drivers are living proof that practice does not make perfect.

Never buy a car you can’t push.

Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.

If con is the opposite of pro, congress is the opposite of progress.

Where there’s a will, I want to be in it.

Blessed are those who can laugh at themselves, they will never cease to be amused.

As the light changed from red to green to yellow and back to red again, I sat there thinking about life. Was it nothing more than a bunch of honking and yelling? Sometimes it seemed that way.

A diplomatic husband said to his wife, how do you expect me to remember your birthday when you never look any older?

Next time you wave, use all your fingers.

The only perfect science is hindsight.

Heck is where people go who don’t believe in gosh.

When in trouble, fear or doubt, run in circles, scream and shout.

IRS: We’ve got what it takes to take what you’ve got.

The surprising thing about young fools is how many survive to become old fools.

Early to rise, early to bed, makes a man healthy but socially dead.

Keyboard not detected. Press F1 to continue

Show me a piano falling down a mineshaft and I’ll show you A-flat minor.

Men have a much better time of it than women; for one thing, they marry later; for another thing they die earlier.

Save the whales. Collect the whole set.

Why were the Indians here first? They had reservations.

If I were someone who knew something, who could I tell that would believe me?

Time flies like an arrow – fruit flies like a banana.

The day I can’t do my job drunk is the day I turn in my badge and gun.

We have two ends. One for sitting and one for thinking. Our success depends on which one we use most.

Ninety-nine per cent of the people in the world are fools and the rest of us are in great danger of contagion.

When I was a boy I was told that anybody could become president; I’m beginning to believe it.

This mind intentionally left blank

Seen it all, done it all, can’t remember most of it.

How do you spot an Irishman at a carwash? He’s the one on the bike.

If life was fair, Elvis would be alive and all the impersonators would be dead.

Anything that can become tangled around something else, will.

Genius is 1% inspiration, and 99% perspiration.

A bird in the hand is safer than one overhead.

Before you give a colleague a piece of your mind, be sure you can spare it.

Doctor, Doctor You’ve got to help me – I just can’t stop my hands shaking. Do you drink a lot? Not really – I spill most of it!

People can be divided into three groups: Those who make things happen, those who watch things happen, and those who wonder what happened.

In a Norwegian cocktail lounge: Ladies are requested not to have children in the bar.

Time is God’s way of keeping everything from happening at once.

Connection Reset By Aboriginal With Wire Cutters

Latest survey shows that 3 out of 4 people make up 75% of the world’s population.

I have kleptomania, but when it gets bad, I take something for it. ~ Robert Benchle

If you want a committed man, look in a mental hospital.

Macho Law prohibits me from admitting I’m wrong.

If you do not make dust, you eat dust.

Partying... oops No Only Parting... sorry

“Oh dear,” said God, “I hadn’t thought of that,” and promptly vanished in a puff of logic.

I started out with nothing, and I still have most of it.

Legend: a lie that has attained the dignity of age.

“Hey, I’ve got reasons for what I’m doing,” REALLY MEANS, “I sure hope I think of some pretty soon.”

A clean tie attracts the soup of the day.

I majored in liberal arts. Will that be for here or to go?

99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.

You have to stay in shape. My grandmother, she started walking five miles a day when she was 60. She’s 97 today and we don’t know where the hell she is.

If we don’t succeed, we run the risk of failure.

Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy.

Without question, the greatest invention in the history of mankind is beer. Oh, I grant you that the wheel was also a fine invention, but the wheel does not go nearly as well with pizza.

If all you have is a hammer, everything looks like a nail.

The shortest distance between two points is under construction.

Well if this is the wrong number, why did you answer it?

Perhaps you’re diagonally parked in a parallel universe?

You’re not drunk if you can lie on the floor without holding on.

“Every mighty oak was once just a nut who stood his ground.”

“There are two major products that come out of Berkeley: LSD and UNIX. We don’t believe this to be a coincidence.” — Jeremy S. Anderson

It’s hard to face the problem, when the problem is your face.

Character is what you are in the dark.

There’s a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot.

Only a fool is astonished by the foolishness of humankind.

“When you starve with a tiger, the tiger starves last”. — Griffin’s Thought

I intend to live forever – so far, so good.

Once, during prohibition, I was forced to live for days on nothing but food and water.

Jack and Jill did it for the insurance.

It’s easy to quit smoking... I’ve done it over 10,000 times.

Just because you’re not paranoid doesn’t mean they’re not out to get you.

I’m not into working out. My philosophy: No pain, no pain.

Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.

One of the greatest labour-saving inventions today is tomorrow.

The sooner you fall behind the more time you’ll have to catch up.

In a Budapest zoo: Please do not feed the animals. If you have any suitable food, give it to the guard on duty.

“As a matter of fact” is an expression that precedes many an expression that isn’t.

Did you hear about the cross-eyed teacher who lost her job because she couldn’t control her pupils?

A procrastinator’s work is never done.

I tried sniffing Coke once, but the ice cubes got stuck in my nose.

He who laughs last thinks slowest.

Democracy is the recurrent suspicion that more than half of the people are right more than half of the time.

One martini is all right, two is too many, and three is not enough.

I spent most of my money on booze, drugs and women... The rest I wasted!

Why is the man that invests your money called a broker?

If trees could scream, would we be so cavalier about cutting them down? We might, if they screamed all the time, for no good reason.

It’s bad luck to be superstitious.

When I’m not in my right mind, my left mind gets pretty crowded

If people concentrated on the really important things in life, there’d be a shortage of fishing poles.

“A girl phoned me the other day and said... Come on over, there’s nobody home. I went over. Nobody was home” — Rodney Dangerfield

“Then he ran into my knife. He ran into my knife ten times.” – Chicago

I used to be a Kleptomaniac, But now I’m taking something for it

Man who run behind car get exhausted.

Make three correct guesses consecutively and you will establish yourself as an expert.

Comedy is tragedy plus time.

Hang in there; retirement is only thirty years away.

Stupidity is not a handicap. Park elsewhere!

Don’t take life too seriously—you’ll never get out of it alive.

I did a theatrical performance about puns. It was a play on words.

Climbers aim for the summit because it is there. Bungi jumpers dive off the top because they aren’t all there.

“There are only two things that are infinite: the universe and human stupidity. And I’m not sure about the universe.” A. Einstein

Chaos, panic, & disorder – my work here is done.

Everybody lies, but it doesn’t matter since nobody listens.

Anywhere is walking distance, if you’ve got the time.

I arise in the morning torn between a desire to improve the world and a desire to enjoy the world. This makes it hard to plan the day.

Hope sees the invisible, feels the intangible and achieves the impossible.

A soldier who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran.

Laugh and the world laughs with you; snore and you sleep alone.

Slow is when someone laps you in the hundred-yard dash

When you get a bladder infection, urine trouble.

In this world, nothing is certain but death and taxes. – Benjamin Franklin

A day without sun shine is like, you know, night.

Nothing means nothing, but it isn’t really nothing because nothing is something that isn’t.

Prediction is extremely difficult. Especially about the future.

Confidence is the feeling you have before you understand the situation.

The trouble with our times is that the future is not what it used to be.

If the human brain were so simple that we could understand it, we would be so simple we couldn’t.

I always wanted to be a procrastinator, never got around to it though.

I live in my own little world, but it’s ok they know me here.

The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.

There are 10 types of people in the world: Those who understand binary, and those who don’t.

At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be “What is hell?” Come early and listen to our choir practice.

How do you sink an Irish Submarine? Knock on the hatch.

It is a fitting irony that under Richard Nixon, ‘launder’ became a dirty word.

“I have left orders to be awakened at any time in case of national emergency – even if I’m in a Cabinet meeting.” – Ronald Reagan

The dictionary is the only place where success comes before work.

Quantum: Noun, word used to sound like I know what I’m talking about while discussing physics I’ve never actually studied.

The light at the end of the tunnel has been turned off due to budget cuts.

I guess traffic in the city is improving a little. Yesterday, I drove clear across town and only had to shave twice.

Jokes about German sausage are the wurst.

I think, therefore I am single.

I’m desperately trying to figure out why kamikaze pilots wore helmets.

All those who believe in psycho kinesis raise my hand.

If you can’t dazzle them with brilliance... just baffle them with bullsh*t.

My parents stayed together for forty years, but that was out of spite.

I fear my inferiority complex is not as good as yours.

Someone sent me a postcard picture of the earth. On the back it said, “Wish you were here.”

AIBOHPHOBIA – the fear of palindromes.

If you don’t know why I’m mad at you, then I’m certainly not going to tell you

Man shoots neighbour with machete [The Miami Herald, July 3]

I don’t meet competition. I crush it

Proofread carefully to see if you any words out.

Of course, we are all worms—but I like to think, at least, that I am a glow-worm. – Winston Churchill

If ever I get married again it would have to be under an anaesthetic.

“I’d rather have a bottle in front of me, than a frontal lobotomy”. — Tom Waits

Why is it that to stop Windows, you have to click on “Start”?

On a tombstone: I TOLD YOU I WAS SICK

Any ship can be a minesweeper... once.

I can please only one person per day. Today is not your day. Tomorrow isn’t looking good either.

Illiterate? Write For Help.

Work expands to fill the time available. — PARKINSON’S LAW

As a final incentive before giving up a difficult task, try to imagine it successfully accomplished by someone you violently dislike.

“This ‘telephone’ has too many shortcomings to be seriously considered as a means of communication.” — Western Union internal memo, 1876.

A team effort is a lot of people doing what I say

If you don’t pay your exorcist you get repossessed.

I don’t suffer from stress. I’m a carrier.

The only reason some people get lost in thought is because it’s unfamiliar territory.

It’s just a job. Grass grows, birds fly, waves pound the sand. I just beat people up. – Muhammad Ali

What do you call a dinosaur with an extensive vocabulary? A thesaurus.

Politicians are people who, when they see the light at the end of the tunnel, go out and buy more tunnel.

Is there life before death?

Well, if I called the wrong number, why did you answer the phone?

My favorite mythical creature? The honest politician.

Well, this day was a total waste of makeup.

If you don’t know where you are going, you will wind up somewhere else.

They say you only use ten percent of your brain. What about the other ten?

Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

“The best thing about the future is that it comes only one day at a time.” – Abraham Lincoln

From the moment I picked your book up until I laid it down I was convulsed with laughter. Some day I intend reading it.

I took a speed reading course and read ‘War and Peace’ in twenty minutes. It involves Russia. Enough women for four.

I’d give my right arm to be ambidextrous.

I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.

“I could tell that my parents hated me. My bath toys were a toaster and a radio” — Rodney Dangerfield

Age always corresponds inversely to the size of your multivitamin.

In a Rome laundry: Ladies, leave your clothes here and spend the afternoon having a good time.

Lots of people know a good thing the minute the other fellow sees it first.

I Haven’t Lost My Mind, It’s Backed Up On Disk Somewhere.

To succeed in politics, it is often necessary to rise above your principles.

Sheep don’t fly so much as plummet.

Advertisement for donkey rides in Thailand: Would you like to ride on your own ass?

If a President doesn’t do it to his wife, he’ll do it to his country.

On the keyboard of life, always keep one finger on the escape key.

Man who run in front of car get tired.

In the beginning, there was nothing. Then God said, “Let there be light,” and there was still nothing, but you could see it.

There are only three kinds of people; people who can count and people who can’t.

Fundamentalism: Believe in a kind, loving God or we’ll kill you!

The doctor can bury his mistakes but an architect can only advise his client to plant vines.

Two strings walk into a bar. The first string says to the bartender, “Bartender, I’ll have a beer. u.5n$x5t?*&4ru!2[sACCErJ”. The second string says, “Pardon my friend, he isn’t NULL terminated”.

The human brain is a wonderful thing. It starts working the moment you are born, and never stops until you stand up to speak in public.

Does this smell like chloroform to you?

Hypochondria is the only disease I haven’t got.

Hard work never killed anybody but why take the chance?

Man who eat many prunes get good run for money.

“If women didn’t exist, all the money in the world would have no meaning.” – Aristotle Onassis

I love being married. It’s so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.

“Are you going to come quietly, or do I have to use earplugs?”—Vale Spike Milligan

Men are from earth. Women are from earth. Deal with it.

They say if you play a Microsoft CD backwards you hear satanic messages. That’s nothing, if you play it forwards it installs Windows.

Some people are going to leave a mark on this world, while others will leave a stain.

Some people say that I must be a horrible person, but that’s not true. I have the heart of a young boy – in a jar on my desk.

You’re such an inspiration for the way I’ll never choose to be.

A pessimist is a man who has been compelled to live with an optimist

When a clock is hungry, it goes back four seconds.

Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?

I want to die peacefully in my sleep like my grandfather, not screaming in abject horror like his passengers.

I couldn’t repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.

To err is human – and to blame it on a computer is even more so.

Tips for Vegetarians: Hit a chicken enough times and it turns into a vegetable.

Cheerfulness is contagious, but don’t wait to catch it from others. Be a carrier.

“Managing senior programmers is like herding cats” — Dave Platt.

If you want your spouse to listen and pay strict attention to every word you say, talk in your sleep.

“On two occasions I have been asked [by members of Parliament!]: ‘Pray, Mr. Babbage, if you put into the machine wrong figures, will the right answers come out ?’ I am not able rightly to apprehend the kind of confusion of ideas that could provoke such a question.” — Charles Babbage.

Cluster bombing from B-52s is very, very accurate – the bombs always hit the ground.

Why don’t you ever see the headline “Psychic Wins Lottery”?

Red Tape Holds Up New Bridge!

Someday we’ll look back on all this and plow into the back of a parked car.

Lead us not into temptation. Just tell us where it is; we’ll find it.

Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying of nothing.

A hangover is the wrath of grapes.

If I were two-faced, would I be wearing this one?

You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.

Velcro — what a rip off!

Age is a very high price to pay for maturity.

I love deadlines. I especially like the whooshing sound they make as they go flying by.

People with narrow minds usually have broad tongues.

I like kids, but I don’t think I could eat a whole one.

You’ll never get to heaven if you’re scared of getting high.

I like children. Properly cooked.

If puns were outlawed, only outlaws would have puns.

If Bill Gates had a nickel for every time Windows crashed... oh wait, he does.

Never put both feet in your mouth at the same time, because then you don’t have a leg to stand on.

You have the right to your opinions. I just don’t want to hear them.

“Reading computer manuals without the hardware is as frustrating as reading sex manuals without the software.” — Arthur C. Clarke.

Don’t marry for money. You can borrow it cheaper.

“You start coding. I’ll go find out what they want.” — Computer analyst to programmer

Some people are alive only because it’s illegal to kill them.

One good turn gets most of the blankets.

To define recursion, we must first define recursion.

Years ago fairy tales began with “Once upon a time...” Now it’s “If I am elected...”

Authority makes some people grow – and others just swell.

“I think there is a world market for maybe five computers.” — Thomas Watson, chairman of IBM, 1943.

Women like silent men. They think they’re listening.

Sometimes I think the surest sign that intelligent life exists elsewhere in the universe is that none of it has tried to contact us.

If at first you don’t succeed, skydiving is not your sport.

I hope that after I die, people will say of me: “That guy sure owed me a lot of money.”

The second day of a diet is alway easier than the first. By the second day, you’re off it.

Don’t be irreplaceable; if you cannot be replaced, you cannot be promoted.

Restarting System - Mouse Moved

Succeed in spite of management. Aim Low; Reach Your Goals, Avoid Disappointment.

Eagles may soar, but weasels don’t get sucked into jet engines.

I have had more trouble with myself than with any other man I’ve met.

By the time a man realises that his father was right, he has a son who thinks he’s wrong.

I laugh in the face of danger, except if I’m involved.

“Everyday I beat my own previous record for number of consecutive days I’ve stayed alive.”

Be nice to your kids. They’ll choose your nursing home.

Anything not nailed down is mine. Anything I can pry loose is not nailed down.

Mines are equal opportunity weapons.

If money talks, it ain’t on speakin’ terms with me.

There are two kinds of people, those who finish what they start, and so on.

Shin: a device for finding furniture in the dark.

Vote for the man who promises least; he’ll be the least disappointing.

Even paranoids have real enemies.

When Chemists die, they barium.

I like to start my periods with sentences.

There’s a difference between being open-minded and having a hole in your head

I am obviously right, and as you disagree with me, then logically you must be wrong.

Modesty is a virtue of fools.

Where do you find an Irish woodworm? Dead inside a brick.

If you’re not wasted, the day is.

Killed - Personality Incompatibility

I envy people who drink – at least they know what to blame everything on.

It has recently been discovered that research causes cancer in rats.

Horn broken. Watch for finger. (on bumper sticker)

If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?

Don’t look back. Something may be gaining on you.

I’m reading a book about anti-gravity. I can’t put it down.

Promises are like babies: fun to make, but hell to deliver.

It is not my interest to pay the principal, nor my principal to pay the interest.

We’ve made great medical progress in the last generation. What used to be merely an itch is now an allergy.

Doctor, Doctor I keep getting pains in the eye when I drink coffee. Have you tried taking the spoon out?

I tried to photograph the fog, but I mist.

I used to find him boring until I stopped listening.

“Few things are harder to put up with than a good example.”—Mark Twain

This guy walks into a bar and the barman says “Ouch, that must have hurt”

No problem is so big and complicated that it can’t be ran away from.

On the plus side, death is one of the few things that can be done just as easily as lying down.

I plead contemporary insanity.

For people who like peace and quiet – a phoneless cord.

The world is full of willing people; some willing to work, the rest willing to let them.

“C++ : Where friends have access to your private members.” — Gavin Russell Baker.

I don’t have a solution but I admire the problem.

Raising teenagers is like trying to nail Jell-O to a tree.

For Sale: Parachute. Only used once, never opened, small stain.

My life has a superb cast but I can’t figure out the plot.

It used to be only death and taxes were inevitable. Now, of course, there’s shipping and handling, too.

I don’t like people who take drugs... Customs Officers for example.

Don’t stop to stomp on ants when the elephants are stampeding.

People who think they know everything are annoying to those of us who do.

Tell me what you need, and I’ll tell you how to get along without it.

A committee is a body that keeps minutes and wastes hours.

“Always in motion the future is. Seasick it makes me. That’s why so green I am”. – Yoda

Arguing on the Internet is like competing in the Special Olympics – even if you win, you are still retarded.

A conclusion is simply the place where you got tired of thinking.

Work: It isn’t just for sleeping anymore.

Being in the army is like being in the Boy Scouts, except that the Boy Scouts have adult supervision.

I spilled spot remover on my dog. Now he’s gone.

Roses are red, Violets are blue. In Soviet Russia, Poems write you.

I used to be apathetic, but now I don’t give a damn.

Bacteria: the only culture some people have.

Streakers beware: Your end is in sight.

When your IQ reaches 80 –– sell.

Most vegetarians look so much like the food they eat that they can be classified as cannibals.

I’m not dumb; I just have a command of thoroughly useless information.

“I believe in equality for everyone, except reporters and photographers”. — Gandhi

Money is better than poverty, if only for financial reasons.

I took an IQ test and the results were negative.

Why is the third hand on the watch called a second hand?

The trouble with jogging is that, by the time you realise you’re not in shape for it, it’s far too far to walk back.

The short fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.

Bigamy is having one wife too many. Monogamy is the same. – Oscar Wilde

Energizer Bunny arrested: Charged with battery.

The number of people watching you is directly proportional to the stupidity of your action.

If vegetable oil comes from vegetables, where does baby oil come from?

Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.

When he first ran for office, he appealed to the voters: “I never stole anything in my life. All I ask is a chance.”

If you’re born again, do you have two bellybuttons?

“When in doubt tell the truth.”—Mark Twain

I generally avoid temptation unless I can’t resist it.

In democracy it’s your vote that counts. In feudalism it’s your count that votes.

Any task worth doing was worth doing yesterday.

The beatings will continue until morale improves.

Broken pencils are pointless.

“If builders built buildings the way programmers write programs, then the first woodpecker that came along would destroy civilization” — Weinberg’s Second Law.

One good thing about repeating your mistakes is that you know when to cringe.

Go the extra mile. It makes your boss look like an incompetent slacker.

The truth is a precious commodity. That’s why I use it so sparingly.

Last night I lay in bed looking up at the stars in the sky and I thought to myself, “Where the heck is the ceiling?”

Gossip: The art of saying nothing while leaving nothing unsaid.

Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don’t.

How do you get an Irishman to burn his ear? Ring him up while he is ironing.

“They say hard work never hurt anybody, but I figure why take the chance.” – Ronald Reagan

There are two kinds of people, those who finish what they start, and so on.

The things that come to those that wait may be the things left by those who got there first.

Every time I look at you I get a fierce desire to be lonesome.

This comment is printed on 100% recycled electrons.

Be thankful for problems. If they were less difficult, someone with less ability might have your job.

Ever stop to think and forget to start again?

It is hard enough to remember my opinions, without also remembering my reasons for them!

It’s not that I’m afraid to die; I just don’t want to be there when it happens.

“A patriot must always be ready to defend his country against his government”. — Edward Abbey

111,111,111 x 111,111,111 = 12,345,678,987,654,321

It is well to remember the entire population of the universe, with one trifling exception, is composed of others.

How did Moses make his tea? Hebrews it.

Be kind to your dentist. He has fillings, too.

Never underestimate the power of very stupid people in large groups.

Man does not live by words alone, despite the fact that sometimes he has to eat them.

Love is blind, but marriage is a real eye-opener.

Applying computer technology is simply finding the right wrench to pound in the correct screw.

One day I will get this peer guy and reset his connection.

Anger is only one letter away from danger.

I had amnesia once or twice.

Support bacteria – they’re the only culture some people have.

You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They left a little note on the windscreen, it said ‘Parking Fine.’

The fellow who thinks he knows it all is especially annoying to those of us who do.

Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.

In the beginning, God created earth and rested. Then God created man and rested. Then God created woman. Since then, neither God nor man has rested.

When you come to a fork in the road, take it.

Anything not nailed down is a cat toy.

A backwards poet writes inverse.

Everybody is somebody else’s weirdo.

Just remember... if the world didn’t suck, we’d all fall off.

Life... I don’t get it...

Be careful when reading health books; you may die of a misprint.

A bargain is something you don’t need at a price you can’t resist.

I’d like to see things your way, but I’m looking in another direction.

Friends may come and go, but enemies accumulate

When you are arguing with an idiot, make sure the other person isn’t doing the same thing.

“I worked in a pet shop and people kept asking how big I’d get” — Rodney Dangerfield

If you try and don’t succeed, cheat. Repeat until caught. Then lie.

TEAMWORK... means never having to take all the blame yourself.

What sane person could live in this world and not be crazy?

The trouble with the rat race is that even if you win, you’re still a rat.

Procrastinate Now!

Sheep don’t fly so much as plummet.

It is a small world, but I wouldn’t like to have to paint it.

If the French were really intelligent, they’d speak English.

The most precious thing we have is life. Yet it has absolutely no trade-in value.

My mind not only wanders, sometimes it leaves completely.

Consciousness: that annoying time between naps.

Cole’s Law: Thinly sliced cabbage.

A bird does not sing because it has an answer—it sings because it has a song.

If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?

My husband says I never listen to him (at least I think that’s what he said)

If olive oil comes from olives, where does baby oil come from?

Everything you like is bad for you in some way.

Conscience is the inner voice warning us that someone may be looking.

If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?

“#define QUESTION ((bb) || !(bb))” — Shakespeare

Booze is the answer. I don’t remember the question.

Statistics are like bikinis – What they reveal is suggestive, but what they conceal is vital.

Half of the people in the world are below average.

After all is said and done, more is said than done.

Laughing stock: cattle with a sense of humour.

I Refuse To Have A Battle Of Wits With An Unarmed Person.

I’ve been trying for some time to develop a life style that doesn’t require my presence.

It is hard to understand how a cemetery raised its burial charges and blamed it on the cost of living.

Anything’s possible... apart from skiing through a revolving door.

Englishmen never will be slaves: they are free to do whatever the Government and public opinion allow them to do.

Make sure your mind isn’t so open that your brains fall out.

I thought I wanted a career, turns out I just wanted paychecks.

Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7th of your life.

Where you stand depends on where you sit.

Jokes about German sausage are the wurst.

I wished the buck stopped here, as I could use a few.

Am I getting smart with you? How would you know?

Take my advice, I don’t use it anyway.

I don’t necessarily agree with everything I say.

In a Copenhagen airline ticket office: We take your bags and send them in all directions.

I am a nobody, nobody is perfect, therefore I’m perfect.

How do you keep an Irishman busy? Write P.T.O on both sides of a piece of paper.

If you can stay calm, while all around you is chaos... then you probably haven’t completely understood the situation.

The difference between a stepping-stone and a stumbling block can be when you see it.

I am amazed at radio DJ’s today. I am firmly convinced that AM on my radio stands for Absolute Moron. I will not begin to tell you what FM stands for.

System Error - Windows Loaded

What if there were no hypothetical questions?

Artificial Intelligence is no match for Natural Stupidity.

I hate women because they always know where things are.

He who trains his tongue to quote the learned sages, will be known far and wide as a smart ass.

Some pain is physical, and some is mental, but one that’s both is dental.

Don’t use a big word where a diminutive one will suffice.

“Heavier-than-air flying machines are impossible.” — Lord Kelvin, president, Royal Society, 1895.

If you choke a smurf, what colour does it turn?

I think animal testing is a terrible idea; they get all nervous and give the wrong answers.

Brain: an apparatus with which we think we think.

“Always be sincere, even when you don’t mean it”. — Irene Peter

I can resist everything except temptation.

Men occasionally stumble over the truth, but most of them pick themselves up and hurry off as if nothing had happened. – Winston Churchill

In a Tokyo shop: Our nylons cost more than common, but you’ll find they are best in the long run.

Eschew obfuscation.

Why is it called tourist season if we can’t shoot at them?

If it weren’t for electricity we’d all be watching television by candlelight?

Being a philosopher, I have a problem for every solution.

“Your mouse has moved. Windows must be restarted for the change to take effect. Reboot now ? [OK]”

You can always spot a well-informed man – his views are the same as yours.

So Many Pedestrians – So Little Time.

If automobiles had followed the same development cycle as the computer, a Rolls Royce would today cost $100, get a million miles per gallon, and explode once a year, killing everyone inside.

Connection Reset - Insufficient Electrons

If we learn by our mistakes, some of us are getting one hell of an education!

Eagles may soar, but weasels don’t get sucked into jet engines.

Maybe I’m lucky to be going so slowly, because I may be going in the wrong direction.

Never argue with an idiot. They drag you down to their level then beat you with experience.

If at first you don’t succeed, try management.

I know a guy who is addicted to brake fluid. He says he can stop anytime.

It is said that if you line up all the cars in the world end to end, someone would be stupid enough to try and pass them.

The earthquake in Washington obviously was the government’s fault.

I changed my iPod’s name to Titanic. It’s syncing now.

I was at a bar nursing a beer. My nipple was getting quite soggy.

Two signs from a Majorcan shop entrance: English well speaking / Here speeching American.

Age is a question of mind over matter. If you don’t mind, it don’t matter.

The chance of a piece of bread falling with the buttered side down is directly proportional to the cost of the carpet.

You can’t have everything. Where would you put it?

We Quit Voting Will They All Go Away?

Ours is a world where people don’t know what they want and are willing to go through hell to get it.

We waste time, so you don’t have to.

“Einstein argued that there must be simplified explanations of nature, because God is not capricious or arbitrary. No such faith comforts the software engineer.” — Fred Brooks.

How Many Roads Must A Man Travel Down Before He Admits He Is Lost?

My girlfriend told me I should be more affectionate. So I got two more girlfriends.

Shin: a device for finding furniture in the dark.

The art of flying is to throw yourself at the ground and miss.

What’s another word for Thesaurus?

There’s a fine line between genius and insanity. I have erased this line.

Foolproof systems don’t take into account the ingenuity of fools.

A great many people think they are thinking when they are merely rearranging their prejudices.

Laugh at your problems; everybody else does.

Youth is a wonderful thing. What a crime to waste it on children.

An army of deer led by a lion is more to be feared than an army of lions led by a deer.

The most powerful force in the universe is gossip.

Marathon runners with bad footwear suffer the agony of defeat.

PMS jokes aren’t funny. Period.

It is wiser to find out than to suppose.—Mark Twain

Never put off until tomorrow what you can avoid altogether.

Everyone needs belief in something. I believe I’ll have another beer.

Experience is something you do not get until just after you need it.

Outside a Hong Kong tailor shop: Ladies may have a fit upstairs.

Remember... Marriage is the number one cause of divorce. Statistically, 100% of all divorces started with marriage.

Compromise: the art of dividing a cake so that everybody believes he or she got the biggest piece.

I think that’s how Chicago got started. A bunch of people in New York said, “Gee, I’m enjoying the crime and the poverty, but it just isn’t cold enough. Let’s go west.”—Richard Jeni

Love is like an hourglass, with the heart filling up as the brain empties.

If it weren’t for the last minute, nothing would ever get done.

If At First You Don’t Succeed... Blame Someone Else And Seek Counseling.

This Would Be Really Funny If It Weren’t Happening To Me.

I take everything I can for my kleptomania.

Help Wanted: Telepath. You know where to apply.

I used up all my sick days, so I’m calling in dead.

What happens if you get scared half to death twice?

Even crime wouldn’t pay if the government ran it.

Honk if you love peace and quiet.

Under capitalism, man exploits man. Under Communism, it’s just the opposite.

Experience is simply the name we give our mistakes.

If a man opens a car door for a woman, either the car is new or the woman.

If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?

I don’t believe in astrology. I am a Sagittarius and we’re very skeptical. ~ Arthur C. Clarke

What do you call a dinosaur with an extensive vocabulary? A thesaurus.

Optimists believe we live on the greatest world. Pessimists believe this is true.

A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat.

A synonym is a word you use when you can’t spell the word you first thought of.

I have noticed that the people who are late are often so much jollier that the people who have to wait for them.

Time’s fun when you’re having flies... Kermit the Frog

Whenever there is any doubt, there is no doubt.

I majored in liberal arts. Will that be for here or to go?

An egotist has one point in his favour – he doesn’t go round talking about other people.

If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?

I often quote myself; it adds spice to my conversation.

A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a train stops. On my desk I have a workstation...

Half our life is spent trying to find something to do with the time we have rushed through life trying to save.

Impotence: Nature’s Way Of Saying “No Hard Feelings”.

History will be kind to me for I intend to write it. – Winston Churchill

We spend the first twelve months of our children’s lives teaching them to walk and talk and the next twelve telling them to sit down and shut up.

Early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.

I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.

Allow me to introduce my selves.

It’s not true that married men live longer than single men. It only seems longer.

I used to think I was indecisive, but now I’m not sure.

I got a job at a bakery because I kneaded dough.

A study in the Washington Post says that women have better verbal skills than men. I just want to say to the authors of that study: “Duh.”— Conan O’Brien

Money can’t buy happiness, but it sure makes misery easier to live with.

Leftists are among the first to speak of their rights.

People don’t grow up; they just learn how to act in public.

England has no kidney bank, but it does have a Liverpool.

“Banking establishments are more dangerous than standing armies”. — Thomas Jefferson

If at first you don’t succeed, destroy all the evidence that you tried.

Honesty is the best policy, but insanity is a better defence.

Why do we wash bath towels, aren’t we clean when we use them?

“I would like to live in Manchester, England. The transition between Manchester and death would be unnoticeable”. — Mark Twain

I had some words with my wife, and she had some paragraphs with me.

Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian any more than going to the garage makes you a car.

He’s not dead, he’s electroencephalographically challenged.

Good judgement comes from experience. Experience comes from bad judgement.

Wine divulges truth.

“The object of war is not to die for your country but to make the other bastard die for his.” – General George Patton

Mental Floss prevents Moral Decay.

Mind like a steel trap – rusty and illegal in most states.

The best computer is a man, and it’s the only one that can be mass-produced by unskilled labour.

Madness takes its toll. Please have exact change.

Abel Tasman on discovering Tasmania, “Too far south for spices and too close to the rim of the earth to be inhabited by anything but freaks and monsters”

I used to be a banker, but then I lost interest.

I stayed up all night to see where the sun went. Then it dawned on me.

If someone with multiple personalities threatens suicide... is it considered a hostage situation?

Men’s faults are many, women have only two. Everything they say, and everything they do.

If you don’t learn to laugh at troubles, you won’t have anything to laugh at when you grow old.

I thought I made a mistake once, but I was wrong.

My mind works like lightning. One brilliant flash and it is gone.

Success always occurs in private, and failure in full public view.

“You, you and you: panic. The rest of you, come with me.”

No sense being pessimistic, it probably wouldn’t work anyway.

Errors have been made. Others will be blamed.

We are going on a field trip to the Coca-Cola factory. I hope there are no pop quizzes.

One should forgive one’s enemies, but not before they are hanged.

Oh, don’t fuss. I just cut myself. It’s no big deal,” REALLY MEANS, “I have actually severed a limb, but will bleed to death before I admit I’m hurt.”

Isn’t having a smoking section in a restaurant like having a peeing section in a swimming pool?

Hemp is a herb. Bush is a dope.

A printer consists of three main parts: the case, the jammed paper tray and the blinking red light

I installed a skylight in my apartment. The people who live above me are furious.

A poor excuse is like an old bucket; doesn’t matter what shape it is in, as long as it holds water.

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