Amusing Quotes & One-Liners — Ned Martin’s Amused

Amusing Quotes & One-Liners

Hang in there; retirement is only thirty years away.

“When you starve with a tiger, the tiger starves last”. — Griffin’s Thought

Age is a question of mind over matter. If you don’t mind, it don’t matter.

If ever I get married again it would have to be under an anaesthetic.

99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.

Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?

One good turn gets most of the blankets.

My schoolmates would make love to anything that moved, but I never saw any reason to limit myself.

If con is the opposite of pro, congress is the opposite of progress.

The sooner you fall behind the more time you’ll have to catch up.

Anything’s possible... apart from skiing through a revolving door.

If you try and don’t succeed, cheat. Repeat until caught. Then lie.

Constipated People Don’t Give A Crap.

If vegetable oil comes from vegetables, where does baby oil come from?

Madness takes its toll. Please have exact change.

Everybody is ignorant, only on different subjects.

When you come to a fork in the road, take it.

There are two types of people in this world, good and bad. The good sleep better, but the bad seem to enjoy the waking hours much more.

Vote for the man who promises least; he’ll be the least disappointing.

Success always occurs in private, and failure in full public view.

Broken pencils are pointless.

The earthquake in Washington obviously was the government’s fault.

Early to rise, early to bed, makes a man healthy but socially dead.

Modesty is a virtue of fools.

Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.

Plato is dead, Einstein is dead, and I’m not feeling too good myself...

Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don’t.

What’s the definition of a will? (It’s a dead giveaway).

That which cannot be taken apart will fall apart.

When a clock is hungry, it goes back four seconds.

Whenever there is any doubt, there is no doubt.

Eagles may soar, but weasels don’t get sucked into jet engines.

The beatings will continue until morale improves.

AIBOHPHOBIA – the fear of palindromes.

When he first ran for office, he appealed to the voters: “I never stole anything in my life. All I ask is a chance.”

Slow is when someone laps you in the hundred-yard dash

I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol.

Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian any more than going to the garage makes you a car.

If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?

A hangover is the wrath of grapes.

Connection Reset By Aboriginal With Wire Cutters

You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.

I have noticed that the people who are late are often so much jollier that the people who have to wait for them.

If you can’t dazzle them with brilliance... just baffle them with bullsh*t.

If money talks, it ain’t on speakin’ terms with me.

If you don’t learn to laugh at troubles, you won’t have anything to laugh at when you grow old.

Brilliant, but with the social skills of a thermonuclear device.

“You, you and you: panic. The rest of you, come with me.”

When your IQ reaches 80 –– sell.

Any task worth doing was worth doing yesterday.

Why do we wash bath towels, aren’t we clean when we use them?

Optimists believe we live on the greatest world. Pessimists believe this is true.

Be nice to your kids. They’ll choose your nursing home.

Any ship can be a minesweeper... once.

I’ve always wanted to be normal, but lately I’ve come to suspect that this is it.

To B or not to B? *kills the B* I HATE BEES!!!! – LynxofCP

The only reason some people get lost in thought is because it’s unfamiliar territory.

“As a matter of fact” is an expression that precedes many an expression that isn’t.

It is not my interest to pay the principal, nor my principal to pay the interest.

When I’m not in my right mind, my left mind gets pretty crowded

Life is far too important to be taken seriously.

Laughing stock: cattle with a sense of humour.

If I were someone who knew something, who could I tell that would believe me?

I changed my iPod’s name to Titanic. It’s syncing now.

The man who fell into an upholstery machine is fully recovered.

“Thinking is the hardest work there is, which is probably why so few engage in it”. — Henry Ford

If we don’t succeed, we run the risk of failure.

I used to think I was indecisive, but now I’m not sure.

Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying of nothing.

Promises are like babies: fun to make, but hell to deliver.

Friends may come and go, but enemies accumulate

I heard a man say that brigands demand your money or your life, whereas women require both.

“When in doubt tell the truth.”—Mark Twain

I wished the buck stopped here, as I could use a few.

Living is not worth dying for.

Everything you like is bad for you in some way.

So Many Pedestrians – So Little Time.

Shin: a device for finding furniture in the dark.

Macho Law prohibits me from admitting I’m wrong.

Show me a piano falling down a mineshaft and I’ll show you A-flat minor.

In elementary school, in case of fire, you have to line up quietly in a single file line from smallest to tallest. What is the logic? Do tall people burn slower?

Jokes about German sausage are the wurst.

Somewhere on this globe, every ten seconds, is a woman giving birth to a child. She must be found and stopped.

I love cats – they taste just like chicken.

The day I can’t do my job drunk is the day I turn in my badge and gun.

Snowmen fall from Heaven unassembled.

Cole’s Law: Thinly sliced cabbage.

Women like silent men. They think they’re listening.

“I believe in equality for everyone, except reporters and photographers”. — Gandhi

Lots of people know a good thing the minute the other fellow sees it first.

Does this smell like chloroform to you?

Outside of a dog, a book is probably man’s best friend, and inside of a dog, it’s too dark to read.

“I am not worried about the deficit. It is big enough to take care of itself.” – Ronald Reagan

Plagiarism saves time.

Whenever people agree with me, I always feel I must be wrong.

“Oh dear,” said God, “I hadn’t thought of that,” and promptly vanished in a puff of logic.

By the time a man realises that his father was right, he has a son who thinks he’s wrong.

Half of the people in the world are below average.

Why does Sea World have a seafood restaurant? I’m halfway through my fish burger and I realize, Oh my gosh... I could be eating a slow learner.

Cheerfulness is contagious, but don’t wait to catch it from others. Be a carrier.

I tried to photograph the fog, but I mist.

I hope that after I die, people will say of me: “That guy sure owed me a lot of money.”

If trees could scream, would we be so cavalier about cutting them down? We might, if they screamed all the time, for no good reason.

The only perfect science is hindsight.

Without question, the greatest invention in the history of mankind is beer. Oh, I grant you that the wheel was also a fine invention, but the wheel does not go nearly as well with pizza.

We Quit Voting Will They All Go Away?

The trouble with the rat race is that even if you win, you’re still a rat.

Never buy a car you can’t push.

The early bird gets the worm, but the early worm gets eaten.

I always wanted to be a procrastinator, never got around to it though.

Age always corresponds inversely to the size of your multivitamin.

How do I set a laser printer to stun?

I have spent my whole life looking for the perfect woman, and now I’ve found her. Too bad she’s looking for the perfect man.

He’s not dead, he’s electroencephalographically challenged.

If life was fair, Elvis would be alive and all the impersonators would be dead.

Santa’s helpers are subordinate clauses.

Every time I look at you I get a fierce desire to be lonesome.

When you get a bladder infection, urine trouble.

Life... I don’t get it...

I arise in the morning torn between a desire to improve the world and a desire to enjoy the world. This makes it hard to plan the day.

What hair color do they put on the driver’s licenses of bald men?

This comment is printed on 100% recycled electrons.

Consciousness: that annoying time between naps.

I work hard because millions on welfare depend on me.

If it’s true that we are here to help others, then what exactly are the others here for?

I’d like to see things your way, but I’m looking in another direction.

If a man opens a car door for a woman, either the car is new or the woman.

“I’ve been on a calendar but I have never been on time” – Marilyn Monroe

Prediction is extremely difficult. Especially about the future.

“The best thing about the future is that it comes only one day at a time.” – Abraham Lincoln

If Bill Gates had a nickel for every time Windows crashed... oh wait, he does.

They say you only use ten percent of your brain. What about the other ten?

This girl said she recognized me from the vegetarian club, but I’d never met herbivore

For Sale: Parachute. Only used once, never opened, small stain.

Marriage is not a word; it is a sentence.

What do you call a dinosaur with an extensive vocabulary? A thesaurus.

Am I getting smart with you? How would you know?

It is a small world, but I wouldn’t like to have to paint it.

Get a new car for your spouse – it’ll be a great trade!

Ever stop to think and forget to start again?

Fundamentalism: Believe in a kind, loving God or we’ll kill you!

Time is a great teacher, but unfortunately it kills all its pupils.

Authority makes some people grow – and others just swell.

If you don’t know why I’m mad at you, then I’m certainly not going to tell you

Democracy is the recurrent suspicion that more than half of the people are right more than half of the time.

“There is no reason anyone would want a computer in their home.” — Ken Olson, founder of Digital Equipment Corp., 1977.

There are two kinds of people, those who finish what they start, and so on.

Remember, half the people you know are below average.

“I’d rather have a bottle in front of me, than a frontal lobotomy”. — Tom Waits

I am a nobody, nobody is perfect, therefore I’m perfect.

A printer consists of three main parts: the case, the jammed paper tray and the blinking red light

I couldn’t repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.

How do you get an Irishman to burn his ear? Ring him up while he is ironing.

Two strings walk into a bar. The first string says to the bartender, “Bartender, I’ll have a beer. u.5n$x5t?*&4ru!2[sACCErJ”. The second string says, “Pardon my friend, he isn’t NULL terminated”.

I installed a skylight in my apartment. The people who live above me are furious.

Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?

“Always be sincere, even when you don’t mean it”. — Irene Peter

The most powerful force in the universe is gossip.

111,111,111 x 111,111,111 = 12,345,678,987,654,321

Years ago fairy tales began with “Once upon a time...” Now it’s “If I am elected...”

I married my wife for her looks... but not the ones she’s been giving me lately!

I had amnesia once or twice.

If the world should blow itself up, the last audible voice would be that of an expert saying it can’t be done.

Always do sober what you said you’d do drunk. That will teach you to keep your mouth shut.

Time is God’s way of keeping everything from happening at once.

I used to think I was indecisive, but now I’m not sure.

Programmer – A red-eyed, mumbling mammal capable of conversing with inanimate objects.

Proofread carefully to see if you any words out.

Man who drive like hell bound to get there.

I stayed up all night to see where the sun went. Then it dawned on me.

Humour. It is a difficult concept. It is not logical.

Everyone hates me because I’m paranoid.

Did you hear about the cross-eyed teacher who lost her job because she couldn’t control her pupils?

I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.

Sometimes I wake up grumpy; other times I let her sleep

Shin: a device for finding furniture in the dark.

You’ll never get to heaven if you’re scared of getting high.

“Hey, I’ve got reasons for what I’m doing,” REALLY MEANS, “I sure hope I think of some pretty soon.”

Murphy’s Golden Rule: Whoever has the gold makes the rules.

If At First You Don’t Succeed... Blame Someone Else And Seek Counseling.

If you can’t convince them, confuse them.

I can resist everything except temptation.

“If women didn’t exist, all the money in the world would have no meaning.” – Aristotle Onassis

I get enough exercise just pushing my luck.

“Einstein argued that there must be simplified explanations of nature, because God is not capricious or arbitrary. No such faith comforts the software engineer.” — Fred Brooks.

I’d give my right arm to be ambidextrous.

A bachelor is a man who comes to work from a different direction each morning.

The art of flying is to throw yourself at the ground and miss.

If you can’t convince them, confuse them.

What if there were no hypothetical questions?

Make sure your mind isn’t so open that your brains fall out.

Velcro — what a rip off!

Doctor, Doctor I keep getting pains in the eye when I drink coffee. Have you tried taking the spoon out?

Artificial Intelligence is no match for Natural Stupidity.

I used to be apathetic, but now I don’t give a damn.

The light at the end of the tunnel has been turned off due to budget cuts.

There’s a difference between being open-minded and having a hole in your head

In the beginning, there was nothing. Then God said, “Let there be light,” and there was still nothing, but you could see it.

It’s not true that married men live longer than single men. It only seems longer.

I love being married. It’s so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.

I don’t have a solution but I admire the problem.

I’m reading a book about anti-gravity. I can’t put it down.

Hemp is a herb. Bush is a dope.

If puns were outlawed, only outlaws would have puns.

They told me I had type A blood, but it was a Type O

I hate women because they always know where things are.

Not all men are annoying. Some are dead.

I take everything I can for my kleptomania.

If you don’t know where you are going, you might wind up someplace else.

I don’t approve of political jokes... I’ve seen too many of them get elected.

In the beginning, God created earth and rested. Then God created man and rested. Then God created woman. Since then, neither God nor man has rested.

The things that come to those that wait may be the things left by those who got there first.

“He has been given a large brain by mistake, since for him the spinal cord would fully suffice.” — Albert Einstein

It’s just a job. Grass grows, birds fly, waves pound the sand. I just beat people up. – Muhammad Ali

Why is it called tourist season if we can’t shoot at them?

Some pain is physical, and some is mental, but one that’s both is dental.

Men’s faults are many, women have only two. Everything they say, and everything they do.

To succeed in politics, it is often necessary to rise above your principles.

He who laughs last thinks slowest.

Anything that can become tangled around something else, will.

In a Norwegian cocktail lounge: Ladies are requested not to have children in the bar.

Sheep don’t fly so much as plummet.

I Refuse To Have A Battle Of Wits With An Unarmed Person.

People who think they know everything are annoying to those of us who do.

What does a clock do when it’s hungry? It goes back four seconds.

System Error - Windows Loaded

I used up all my sick days, so I’m calling in dead.

I married Miss Right. I just didn’t know her first name was Always.

“C++ : Where friends have access to your private members.” — Gavin Russell Baker.

I like kids, but I don’t think I could eat a whole one.

Someday we’ll look back on all this and plow into the back of a parked car.

There are three ways to get something done: do it yourself, hire someone, or forbid your kids to do it.

I’m an idealist: I don’t know where I’m going, but I’m on my way.

I always wanted to be somebody, but I should have been more specific.

Restarting System - Mouse Moved

People can be divided into three groups: Those who make things happen, those who watch things happen, and those who wonder what happened.

I love work; it fascinates me; I can sit and watch it for hours.

“There are two major products that come out of Berkeley: LSD and UNIX. We don’t believe this to be a coincidence.” — Jeremy S. Anderson

If automobiles had followed the same development cycle as the computer, a Rolls Royce would today cost $100, get a million miles per gallon, and explode once a year, killing everyone inside.

When in trouble, fear or doubt, run in circles, scream and shout.

In this world, nothing is certain but death and taxes. – Benjamin Franklin

Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.

Killed - Personality Incompatibility

The more time you spend in reporting on what you are doing, the less time you have to do it in. Stability is achieved when you spend all your time doing nothing but reporting on the nothing you are doing.

Maybe I’m lucky to be going so slowly, because I may be going in the wrong direction.

If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?

They say if you play a Microsoft CD backwards you hear satanic messages. That’s nothing, if you play it forwards it installs Windows.

Heck is where people go who don’t believe in gosh.

If you’re not wasted, the day is.

An Apple a day keeps the doctor away. But... an onion a day keeps everyone away.

Experience is simply the name we give our mistakes.

To find out a girl’s faults, praise her to her girl friends.

If a woman has to choose between catching a fly ball and saving an infant’s life, she will choose to save the infant’s life without even considering if there is a man on base.—Dave Barry

Some people are going to leave a mark on this world, while others will leave a stain.

Marriage changes passion... suddenly you’re in bed with a relative.

When you are arguing with an idiot, make sure the other person isn’t doing the same thing.

Tell me what you need, and I’ll tell you how to get along without it.

My mind not only wanders, sometimes it leaves completely.

Where you stand depends on where you sit.

A clean tie attracts the soup of the day.

I’m not dumb; I just have a command of thoroughly useless information.

Support bacteria – they’re the only culture some people have.

Well, if I called the wrong number, why did you answer the phone?

Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?

The trouble with our times is that the future is not what it used to be.

The fellow who thinks he knows it all is especially annoying to those of us who do.

He often broke into song because he couldn’t find the key.

It is wiser to find out than to suppose.—Mark Twain

One good thing about repeating your mistakes is that you know when to cringe.

Smith & Wesson — the original point and click interface.

Well if this is the wrong number, why did you answer it?

Time sneaks up on you like a windshield on a bug.

If it weren’t for electricity we’d all be watching television by candlelight?

Be careful when reading health books; you may die of a misprint.

Why is the third hand on the watch called a second hand?

I think animal testing is a terrible idea; they get all nervous and give the wrong answers.

If quizzes are quizzical, what are tests?

When Chemists die, they barium.

Early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.

The second day of a diet is alway easier than the first. By the second day, you’re off it.

“My wife made me join a bridge club. I jump off next Tuesday” — Rodney Dangerfield

If you can stay calm, while all around you is chaos... then you probably haven’t completely understood the situation.

“This report, by its very length, defends itself against the risk of being read”. — Winston Churchill

When all other means of communication fail, try words.

Tips for Vegetarians: Hit a chicken enough times and it turns into a vegetable.

Mind like a steel trap – rusty and illegal in most states.

I am not a vegetarian because I love animals; I am a vegetarian because I hate plants.

All my life, I always wanted to be somebody. Now I see that I should have been more specific.

Gossip: The art of saying nothing while leaving nothing unsaid.

I’d explain it to you, but your brain would explode.

I have the body of a GOD – Buddha.

I generally avoid temptation unless I can’t resist it.

Englishmen never will be slaves: they are free to do whatever the Government and public opinion allow them to do.

Mines are equal opportunity weapons.

In a Budapest zoo: Please do not feed the animals. If you have any suitable food, give it to the guard on duty.

If a job is worth doing well get someone else to do it.

“If builders built buildings the way programmers write programs, then the first woodpecker that came along would destroy civilization” — Weinberg’s Second Law.

Best way to get a man to do something, is to suggest they are too old for it.

If I were two-faced, would I be wearing this one?

If at first you don’t succeed, skydiving is not your sport.

Never put off until tomorrow what you can avoid altogether.

If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?

Never underestimate the power of very stupid people in large groups.

Always remember you’re unique, just like everyone else.

My mind works like lightning. One brilliant flash and it is gone.

I have gone to look for myself, if I should return before I get back, keep me here.

Those who can laugh without cause have either found the true meaning of happiness or have gone stark raving mad.

The trouble with jogging is that, by the time you realise you’re not in shape for it, it’s far too far to walk back.

Jack and Jill did it for the insurance.

Eat a live toad first thing in the morning, and nothing worse can happen to you the rest of the day.

Laugh and the world laughs with you; snore and you sleep alone.

Age is an issue of mind over matter. If you don’t mind, it doesn’t matter.

If it weren’t for the last minute, nothing would ever get done.

Perhaps you’re diagonally parked in a parallel universe?

Some people say that I must be a horrible person, but that’s not true. I have the heart of a young boy – in a jar on my desk.

The illegal we do immediately. The unconstitutional takes a little longer. – Henry Kissinger

Most vegetarians look so much like the food they eat that they can be classified as cannibals.

You have the right to your opinions. I just don’t want to hear them.

“Auntie Em: hate you, hate Kansas, taking the dog.” – Dorothy

I think, therefore I am single.

An egotist has one point in his favour – he doesn’t go round talking about other people.

Politicians are people who, when they see the light at the end of the tunnel, go out and buy more tunnel.

Originality is the fine art of remembering what you hear, but forgetting where you heard it.

Anything not nailed down is a cat toy.

Man who run behind car get exhausted.

I took a speed reading course and read ‘War and Peace’ in twenty minutes. It involves Russia. Enough women for four.

Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy.

“Then he ran into my knife. He ran into my knife ten times.” – Chicago

Being a philosopher, I have a problem for every solution.

All men are equal. Some are just more equal than others.

If sex is such a natural phenomenon, how come there are so many books on how to do it.

No problem is so big and complicated that it can’t be ran away from.

I don’t suffer from stress. I’m a carrier.

If I’d known I was going to live this long, I’d have taken better care of myself.

Lead us not into temptation. Just tell us where it is; we’ll find it.

You’re not drunk if you can lie on the floor without holding on.

A conclusion is simply the place where you got tired of thinking.

There are very few personal problems that cannot be solved through a suitable application of high explosives.

Alcohol: the cause of, and solution to, all of life’s problems.

I don’t believe in astrology. I am a Sagittarius and we’re very skeptical. ~ Arthur C. Clarke

If all you have is a hammer, everything looks like a nail.

Work expands to fill the time available. — PARKINSON’S LAW

Caution – Driver Legally Blonde!

If you want your spouse to listen and pay strict attention to every word you say, talk in your sleep.

What do you call a dinosaur with an extensive vocabulary? A thesaurus.

A bargain is something you don’t need at a price you can’t resist.

There are 3 kinds of people: those who can count and those who can’t.

A committee is a body that keeps minutes and wastes hours.

I’m sorry; you cannot have an outlook on life because it isn’t responding. Microsoft apologises for any inconvenience.

Everyone needs belief in something. I believe I’ll have another beer.

“You can always count on Americans to do the right thing—after they’ve tried everything else” – Winston Churchill

The chance of a piece of bread falling with the buttered side down is directly proportional to the cost of the carpet.

Men don’t care what’s on TV. They only care what else is on TV.


The most precious thing we have is life. Yet it has absolutely no trade-in value.

Some people are alive only because it’s illegal to kill them.

I have a simple philosophy. Fill what’s empty. Empty what’s full. Scratch where it itches.

I like to start my periods with sentences.

There are 10 types of people in the world: Those who understand binary, and those who don’t.

I fear my inferiority complex is not as good as yours.

Bacteria: the only culture some people have.

Mental Floss prevents Moral Decay.

Advertisement for donkey rides in Thailand: Would you like to ride on your own ass?

Allow me to introduce my selves.

Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

When I was a boy I was told that anybody could become president; I’m beginning to believe it.

A bird does not sing because it has an answer—it sings because it has a song.

Everything is possible; just not too probable.

Honest criticism is hard to take, particularly from a relative, a friend, an acquaintance, or a stranger.

If a President doesn’t do it to his wife, he’ll do it to his country.

Sex on television can’t hurt you unless you fall off.

Money is flat and meant to be piled up. – Scottish Proverb

I have had more trouble with myself than with any other man I’ve met.

I majored in liberal arts. Will that be for here or to go?

The surprising thing about young fools is how many survive to become old fools.

How do you spot an Irishman at a carwash? He’s the one on the bike.

Don’t talk unless you can improve the silence.

TEAMWORK... means never having to take all the blame yourself.

A backwards poet writes inverse.

The scientific theory I like best is that the rings of Saturn are composed entirely of lost airline luggage.

There is nothing so annoying as to have two people go right on talking when you’re interrupting.

Everybody has a photographic memory. Some don’t have film.

I did a theatrical performance about puns. It was a play on words.

My favorite mythical creature? The honest politician.

Before marriage, a man yearns for the woman he loves. After marriage, the ‘Y’ becomes silent.

Streakers beware: Your end is in sight.

Doctor, Doctor You’ve got to help me – I just can’t stop my hands shaking. Do you drink a lot? Not really – I spill most of it!

I spent most of my money on booze, drugs and women... The rest I wasted!

Never put both feet in your mouth at the same time, because then you don’t have a leg to stand on.

Red Tape Holds Up New Bridge!

Cluster bombing from B-52s is very, very accurate – the bombs always hit the ground.

Bacteria: the only culture some people have.

Confidence is the feeling you have before you understand the situation.

A poor excuse is like an old bucket; doesn’t matter what shape it is in, as long as it holds water.

Anyone can admit they were wrong; the true test is admitting it to someone else.

You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say will be misquoted then used against you.

IRS: We’ve got what it takes to take what you’ve got.

I laugh in the face of danger, except if I’m involved.

Being single is like a vacuum. It sucks when you are turned on.

Abel Tasman on discovering Tasmania, “Too far south for spices and too close to the rim of the earth to be inhabited by anything but freaks and monsters”

In a Rome laundry: Ladies, leave your clothes here and spend the afternoon having a good time.

History will be kind to me for I intend to write it. – Winston Churchill

Save the whales. Collect the whole set.

I’m in no shape to exercise.

I’ve been trying for some time to develop a life style that doesn’t require my presence.

If you can’t be kind, at least have the decency to be vague.

“Managing senior programmers is like herding cats” — Dave Platt.

“Everyday I beat my own previous record for number of consecutive days I’ve stayed alive.”

My husband and I divorced over religious differences... He thought he was God and I didn’t.

I wonder how much deeper would the ocean be without sponges.

“Your mouse has moved. Windows must be restarted for the change to take effect. Reboot now ? [OK]”

Anyone who told you to be yourself couldn’t have given you worse advice.

Life is complex: it has real and imaginary parts.

Don’t take life too seriously—you’ll never get out of it alive.

Procrastinate Now!

If you don’t know where you are going, you will wind up somewhere else.

“How come we choose from just two people to run for president and 50 for Miss America?”

If people concentrated on the really important things in life, there’d be a shortage of fishing poles.

Cab drivers are living proof that practice does not make perfect.

“You have to be careful about being too careful” – Beryl Pfizer

I’m not into working out. My philosophy: No pain, no pain.

Conscience is the inner voice warning us that someone may be looking.

I think that’s how Chicago got started. A bunch of people in New York said, “Gee, I’m enjoying the crime and the poverty, but it just isn’t cold enough. Let’s go west.”—Richard Jeni

Youth is a wonderful thing. What a crime to waste it on children.

From the moment I picked your book up until I laid it down I was convulsed with laughter. Some day I intend reading it.

Bigamy is having one wife too many. Monogamy is the same. – Oscar Wilde

Honk if you love peace and quiet.

Marriage is a three-ring circus: engagement ring, wedding ring, and suffering.

I know a guy who is addicted to brake fluid. He says he can stop anytime.

“They say hard work never hurt anybody, but I figure why take the chance.” – Ronald Reagan

An Irish man was driving to the airport when he saw a sign saying ‘Airport – Left’... So he went home.

I spilled spot remover on my dog. Now he’s gone.

At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be “What is hell?” Come early and listen to our choir practice.

I wondered why the baseball was getting bigger. Then it hit me.

What Has Four Legs And An Arm? A Happy Pit Bull.

If at first you don’t succeed, try management.

A cartoonist was found dead in his home. Details are sketchy.

Half of being smart is knowing what you are dumb at.

Good judgement comes from experience. Experience comes from bad judgement.

Seen it all, done it all, can’t remember most of it.

Make three correct guesses consecutively and you will establish yourself as an expert.

Having more money doesn’t make you happier. I have 50 million dollars but I’m just as happy as when I had 48 million. ~ Arnold Schwarzenegger.

An egotist is a person of low taste—more interested in himself than in me.

A day without sun shine is like, you know, night.

I’m out of my mind, but feel free to leave a message.

Being in the army is like being in the Boy Scouts, except that the Boy Scouts have adult supervision.

“I have left orders to be awakened at any time in case of national emergency – even if I’m in a Cabinet meeting.” – Ronald Reagan

Some people are alive only because it’s illegal to kill them.

Partying... oops No Only Parting... sorry

Don’t stop to stomp on ants when the elephants are stampeding.

It’s easy to quit smoking... I’ve done it over 10,000 times.

Take my advice, I don’t use it anyway.

I used to be a Kleptomaniac, But now I’m taking something for it

For people who like peace and quiet – a phoneless cord.

Chipped dishes never break.

How do you keep an Irishman busy? Write P.T.O on both sides of a piece of paper.

When angry count four, when very angry, swear.

My one regret in life is that I am not someone else.

Jokes about German sausage are the wurst.

Before you give a colleague a piece of your mind, be sure you can spare it.

“The generation of random numbers is too important to be left to chance.” — Robert R. Coveyou, Oak Ridge National Laboratory.

What sane person could live in this world and not be crazy?

“How can a president not be an actor?” – when asked “How could an actor become president?” – Ronald Reagan

A guy got arrested for playing the guitar. He was fingering a minor.

If you do not make dust, you eat dust.

Why is it that doctors call what they do “practice”?

Hypochondria is the only disease I haven’t got.

If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?

“Are you going to come quietly, or do I have to use earplugs?”—Vale Spike Milligan

One martini is all right, two is too many, and three is not enough.

If someone with multiple personalities threatens suicide... is it considered a hostage situation?

Where there’s a will, I want to be in it.

Where do you find an Irish woodworm? Dead inside a brick.

Just because your head is the biggest doesn’t mean it contains the right ideas.

Even paranoids have real enemies.

The difference between a stepping-stone and a stumbling block can be when you see it.

Don’t look back. Something may be gaining on you.

People don’t grow up; they just learn how to act in public.

I started out with nothing, and I still have most of it.

Oh, don’t fuss. I just cut myself. It’s no big deal,” REALLY MEANS, “I have actually severed a limb, but will bleed to death before I admit I’m hurt.”

Cheer up, the worst is yet to come.

It has recently been discovered that research causes cancer in rats.

Ours is a world where people don’t know what they want and are willing to go through hell to get it.

Venison for dinner again? Oh deer!

Love is blind, but marriage is a real eye-opener.

“This ‘telephone’ has too many shortcomings to be seriously considered as a means of communication.” — Western Union internal memo, 1876.

I often quote myself; it adds spice to my conversation.

Every morning is the dawn of a new error.

Age is a very high price to pay for maturity.

We are going on a field trip to the Coca-Cola factory. I hope there are no pop quizzes.

Sheep don’t fly so much as plummet.

A procrastinator’s work is never done.

I am free of all prejudices. I hate everyone equally.

I like children. Properly cooked.

If I have to work for an idiot, I might as well work for myself.

If the human brain were so simple that we could understand it, we would be so simple we couldn’t.

Warning: Dates in Calendar are closer than they appear.

A bird in the hand is safer than one overhead.

A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a train stops. On my desk I have a workstation...

The truth is a precious commodity. That’s why I use it so sparingly.

I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.

“Banking establishments are more dangerous than standing armies”. — Thomas Jefferson

Despite the cost of living it’s still very popular.

Well, this day was a total waste of makeup.

Money is better than poverty, if only for financial reasons.

Sometimes I think the surest sign that intelligent life exists elsewhere in the universe is that none of it has tried to contact us.

I intend to live forever – so far, so good.

I got a job at a bakery because I kneaded dough.

Who is General Failure and why is he reading my hard disk?

I used to find him boring until I stopped listening.

Climbers aim for the summit because it is there. Bungi jumpers dive off the top because they aren’t all there.

“Every mighty oak was once just a nut who stood his ground.”

Why were the Indians here first? They had reservations.

A penny saved is a Congressional spending oversight.

Smoking cures weight problems...eventually...

Just remember... if the world didn’t suck, we’d all fall off.

Democracy is a government where you can say what you think even if you don’t think.

The world is full of willing people; some willing to work, the rest willing to let them.

It is well to remember the entire population of the universe, with one trifling exception, is composed of others.

“On two occasions I have been asked [by members of Parliament!]: ‘Pray, Mr. Babbage, if you put into the machine wrong figures, will the right answers come out ?’ I am not able rightly to apprehend the kind of confusion of ideas that could provoke such a question.” — Charles Babbage.

I don’t meet competition. I crush it

There are only three kinds of people; people who can count and people who can’t.

Don’t Be Sexist – Broads Hate That.

God must love stupid people, he made so many.

He does the work of three men: Larry, Moe and Curly.

Wine divulges truth.

Someone sent me a postcard picture of the earth. On the back it said, “Wish you were here.”

The dictionary is the only place where success comes before work.

I can please only one person per day. Today is not your day. Tomorrow isn’t looking good either.

To err is human – and to blame it on a computer is even more so.

A dog that attends a flea circus most likely will steal the whole show.

“The object of war is not to die for your country but to make the other bastard die for his.” – General George Patton

How do you sink an Irish Submarine? Knock on the hatch.

e=mc^2 where m = the number of cooks required to spoil the broth

Eagles may soar, but weasels don’t get sucked into jet engines.

I was at a bar nursing a beer. My nipple was getting quite soggy.

The best computer is a man, and it’s the only one that can be mass-produced by unskilled labour.

Man who run in front of car get tired.

Be kind to your dentist. He has fillings, too.

This mind intentionally left blank

It’s not that I’m afraid to die; I just don’t want to be there when it happens.

I have kleptomania, but when it gets bad, I take something for it. ~ Robert Benchle

A soldier who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran.

The only difference between Genius and Insanity... is success.

Is Disney World the only people trap operated by a mouse?

The trouble with life is there’s no background music.

It’s important to be open-minded, but not SO open-minded that your brains fall out.

When I was young, I could remember anything. Whether it happened or not.

Help Wanted: Telepath. You know where to apply.

I majored in liberal arts. Will that be for here or to go?

The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.

An army of deer led by a lion is more to be feared than an army of lions led by a deer.

Youth would be an ideal state if it came a little later in life.

Time flies like an arrow – fruit flies like a banana.

Work: It isn’t just for sleeping anymore.

As the light changed from red to green to yellow and back to red again, I sat there thinking about life. Was it nothing more than a bunch of honking and yelling? Sometimes it seemed that way.

When in doubt, mumble.

On the keyboard of life, always keep one finger on the escape key.

Five out of four people have trouble with fractions.

Tip the world over on its side and everything loose will land in Los Angeles.

Military intelligence is a contradiction in terms.

Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

You can’t have everything. Where would you put it?

We must believe in free will, we have no choice.

You look like a million dollars. All green and wrinkled.

I don’t necessarily agree with everything I say.

“I worked in a pet shop and people kept asking how big I’d get” — Rodney Dangerfield

Everybody is somebody else’s weirdo.

Never go to a doctor whose office plants have died.

Money can’t buy happiness, but it sure makes misery easier to live with.

“People who drink light beer don’t like the taste of beer; they just like to pee a lot” — Rodney Dangerfield

My reality check just bounced.

You have to stay in shape. My grandmother, she started walking five miles a day when she was 60. She’s 97 today and we don’t know where the hell she is.

Errors have been made. Others will be blamed.

Remember... Marriage is the number one cause of divorce. Statistically, 100% of all divorces started with marriage.

If you’re not confused, you’re not paying attention.

“I’ve noticed that everyone who is for abortion has already been born.” – Ronald Reagan

Just because you’re not paranoid doesn’t mean they’re not out to get you.

If we learn by our mistakes, some of us are getting one hell of an education!

How did Moses make his tea? Hebrews it.

I either want less corruption, or more chance to participate in it.

Needing someone is like needing a parachute. If he isn’t there the first time you need him, chances are you won’t be needing him again.

Man does not live by words alone, despite the fact that sometimes he has to eat them.

Go the extra mile. It makes your boss look like an incompetent slacker.

Stupidity is not a handicap! Park somewhere else!

Borrow money from pessimists- they don’t expect to get it back.

Latest survey shows that 3 out of 4 people make up 75% of the world’s population.

The secret of success is sincerity. Once you can fake that you’ve got it made.

“There are only two things that are infinite: the universe and human stupidity. And I’m not sure about the universe.” A. Einstein

I guess traffic in the city is improving a little. Yesterday, I drove clear across town and only had to shave twice.

Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.

A conscience does not prevent sin. It only prevents you from enjoying it.

Knowledge is the key, but where is the damn lock?

Once, during prohibition, I was forced to live for days on nothing but food and water.

The number of people watching you is directly proportional to the stupidity of your action.

Under capitalism, man exploits man. Under Communism, it’s just the opposite.

I was the next door kid’s imaginary friend.

Acupuncture is a jab well done.

A diplomatic husband said to his wife, how do you expect me to remember your birthday when you never look any older?

After all is said and done, more is said than done.

I don’t have an attitude problem. You have a perception problem.

Horn broken. Watch for finger. (on bumper sticker)

Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7th of your life.

I don’t enjoy computer jokes; not one bit.

I plead contemporary insanity.

“A girl phoned me the other day and said... Come on over, there’s nobody home. I went over. Nobody was home” — Rodney Dangerfield

Of course, we are all worms—but I like to think, at least, that I am a glow-worm. – Winston Churchill

In the office of a Roman doctor: Specialist in women and other diseases.

A person who smiles in the face of adversity... probably has a scapegoat.

Does your train of thought have a caboose?

Pick your friends but not to pieces.

A pessimist is a man who has been compelled to live with an optimist

Bachelors have consciences, married men have wives.

If at first you don’t succeed, destroy all the evidence that you tried.

Don’t marry for money. You can borrow it cheaper.

Only a fool is astonished by the foolishness of humankind.

I Haven’t Lost My Mind, It’s Backed Up On Disk Somewhere.

“War does not determine who is right - only who is left.” – Bertrand Russell

There’s a fine line between genius and insanity. I have erased this line.

The short fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.

A great many people think they are thinking when they are merely rearranging their prejudices.

I’m quite easy to get along with, once you learn to beckon at my every call and yield to all my desires.

Bachelors know more about women than married men; if they didn’t they’d be married too.

I have great faith in fools; my friends call it self-confidence.

You can say any foolish thing to a dog, and the dog will give you a look that says, “My God, you’re right! I never would’ve thought of that!”

“I wish everyone was peaceful. Then I could take over the planet with a butter knife”—Dogbert

“My computer NEVER loc

Booze is the answer. I don’t remember the question.

Hard work never killed anybody but why take the chance?

There are two kinds of people, those who finish what they start, and so on.

If we aren’t supposed to eat animals, why are they made of meat?

Nobody can be exactly like me. Even I have trouble doing it.

Keyboard not detected. Press F1 to continue

Ninety-nine per cent of the people in the world are fools and the rest of us are in great danger of contagion.

The dumber people think you are, the more surprised they’re going to be when you kill them—Rodney Dangerfield

Why is the man that invests your money called a broker?

You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They left a little note on the windscreen, it said ‘Parking Fine.’

Everybody is ignorant, only on different subjects.

Energizer Bunny arrested: Charged with battery.

In a Tokyo shop: Our nylons cost more than common, but you’ll find they are best in the long run.

Is there life before death?

Solitude is fine, but you need someone to tell you that solitude is fine.

“Life is a waste of time, time is a waste of life, so get wasted all of the time and have the time of your life”. — Tom Waits

“I think there is a world market for maybe five computers.” — Thomas Watson, chairman of IBM, 1943.

If the French were really intelligent, they’d speak English.

I haven’t spoken to my wife for 18 months: I don’t like to interrupt her.

If olive oil comes from olives, where does baby oil come from?

Character is what you are in the dark.

A synonym is a word you use when you can’t spell the word you first thought of.

If at first you do succeed, try to hide your astonishment.

It’s not hard to meet expenses, they’re everywhere.

Lord, if you won’t make me skinny, please make all my friends fat.

“Always in motion the future is. Seasick it makes me. That’s why so green I am”. – Yoda

I had some words with my wife, and she had some paragraphs with me.

It is even harder for the average ape to believe that he has descended from man.

How Many Roads Must A Man Travel Down Before He Admits He Is Lost?

I love deadlines. I especially like the whooshing sound they make as they go flying by.

You can always spot a well-informed man – his views are the same as yours.

Man who eat many prunes get good run for money.

I took an IQ test and the results were negative.

Don’t be irreplaceable; if you cannot be replaced, you cannot be promoted.

Why don’t you ever see the headline “Psychic Wins Lottery”?

“The web is a dominatrix. Every where I turn, I see little buttons ordering me to Submit.” — Nytwind.

It’s bad luck to be superstitious.

Progress was all right. Only it went on too long.

Impotence: Nature’s Way Of Saying “No Hard Feelings”.

A study in the Washington Post says that women have better verbal skills than men. I just want to say to the authors of that study: “Duh.”— Conan O’Brien

This guy walks into a bar and the barman says “Ouch, that must have hurt”

This Would Be Really Funny If It Weren’t Happening To Me.

Instead of getting married again, I’m going to find a woman I don’t like and just give her a house.—Rod Stewart

“Heavier-than-air flying machines are impossible.” — Lord Kelvin, president, Royal Society, 1895.

Chaos, panic, & disorder – my work here is done.

Anywhere is walking distance, if you’ve got the time.

Outside a Hong Kong tailor shop: Ladies may have a fit upstairs.

Foolproof systems don’t take into account the ingenuity of fools.

Brain: an apparatus with which we think we think.

Anything not nailed down is mine. Anything I can pry loose is not nailed down.

In democracy it’s your vote that counts. In feudalism it’s your count that votes.

A drop of ink may make a million think.

Men occasionally stumble over the truth, but most of them pick themselves up and hurry off as if nothing had happened. – Winston Churchill

All the toilets in New York’s police stations have been stolen. The police have nothing to go on.

Stupidity is not a handicap. Park elsewhere!

No sense being pessimistic, it probably wouldn’t work anyway.

Accept that some days you’re the pigeon, and some days you’re the statue.

Man shoots neighbour with machete [The Miami Herald, July 3]

It is hard to understand how a cemetery raised its burial charges and blamed it on the cost of living.

I thought I wanted a career, turns out I just wanted paychecks.

I’m an apathetic sociopath – I’d kill you if I cared.

Everybody lies, but it doesn’t matter since nobody listens.

As a final incentive before giving up a difficult task, try to imagine it successfully accomplished by someone you violently dislike.

I am amazed at radio DJ’s today. I am firmly convinced that AM on my radio stands for Absolute Moron. I will not begin to tell you what FM stands for.

Be thankful for problems. If they were less difficult, someone with less ability might have your job.

I don’t suffer from stress. I’m a carrier.

Blessed are the young, for they shall inherit the national debt.

Democracy is a process by which people are free to choose the man who will get the blame.

If you’re born again, do you have two bellybuttons?

Arguing on the Internet is like competing in the Special Olympics – even if you win, you are still retarded.

It is not what a teenager knows that bothers his parents. It is how he found out.

“Inconceivable!” “I do not think that word means what you think it means.”

A team effort is a lot of people doing what I say

One day I will get this peer guy and reset his connection.

“Things are more like they are now than they ever were before.” – Former U.S. President Dwight D. Eisenhower

We spend the first twelve months of our children’s lives teaching them to walk and talk and the next twelve telling them to sit down and shut up.

“Few things are harder to put up with than a good example.”—Mark Twain

He’s so lazy. I’ve seen him step into a revolving door and wait.

I envy people who drink – at least they know what to blame everything on.

Confidence is the feeling you have before you understand the situation

I want to die peacefully in my sleep like my grandfather, not screaming in abject horror like his passengers.

If at first you don’t succeed, try, try again. Then quit. There’s no use being a damned fool about it.

Get even – live long enough to be a problem to your kids.

In a Copenhagen airline ticket office: We take your bags and send them in all directions.

He who trains his tongue to quote the learned sages, will be known far and wide as a smart ass.

When you do not know what you are doing, do it neatly.

You’re such an inspiration for the way I’ll never choose to be.

We’ve made great medical progress in the last generation. What used to be merely an itch is now an allergy.

Quantum mechanics: The dreams stuff is made of.

England has no kidney bank, but it does have a Liverpool.

Marathon runners with bad footwear suffer the agony of defeat.

He who smiles in a crisis has found someone to blame.

Eschew obfuscation.

“I have never let my schooling interfere with my education.”—Mark Twain

Comedy is tragedy plus time.

A baby sitter is a teenager acting like an adult while the adults are out acting like teenagers.

If you don’t pay your exorcist you get repossessed.

Better to remain silent and be thought a fool, than to speak and remove all doubt.

Why is it that to stop Windows, you have to click on “Start”?

“I could tell that my parents hated me. My bath toys were a toaster and a radio” — Rodney Dangerfield

Compromise: the art of dividing a cake so that everybody believes he or she got the biggest piece.

At the age of six I wanted to be a cook. At seven I wanted to be Napoleon. And my ambition has been growing steadily ever since.

If you want a committed man, look in a mental hospital.

I stayed up all night to see where the sun went. Then it dawned on me.

Leftists are among the first to speak of their rights.

I’m not afraid of heights, only widths.

My life has a superb cast but I can’t figure out the plot.

A dyslexic man walks into a bra.

My husband says I never listen to him (at least I think that’s what he said)

Hope sees the invisible, feels the intangible and achieves the impossible.

Men have a much better time of it than women; for one thing, they marry later; for another thing they die earlier.

“Reading computer manuals without the hardware is as frustrating as reading sex manuals without the software.” — Arthur C. Clarke.

My girlfriend told me I should be more affectionate. So I got two more girlfriends.

The doctor can bury his mistakes but an architect can only advise his client to plant vines.

If you choke a smurf, what colour does it turn?

Don’t use a big word where a diminutive one will suffice.

“A patriot must always be ready to defend his country against his government”. — Edward Abbey

Last night I lay in bed looking up at the stars in the sky and I thought to myself, “Where the heck is the ceiling?”

Always try to be modest and be proud of it!

Don’t use a big word where a diminutive one will suffice.

Haunted French pancakes give me the crêpes.

On the plus side, death is one of the few things that can be done just as easily as lying down.

Next time you wave, use all your fingers.

Connection Reset - Insufficient Electrons

“#define QUESTION ((bb) || !(bb))” — Shakespeare

Nick Overruled - Democratic Majority Decision

“I would like to live in Manchester, England. The transition between Manchester and death would be unnoticeable”. — Mark Twain

If it’s 0 degrees today and it’s going to be twice as cold tomorrow... how cold will it be?

Never argue with an idiot. They drag you down to their level then beat you with experience.

If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?

“Blink your eyelids periodically to lubricate your eyes.” — Page 16 of the HP “Environmental, Health Safety Handbook for Employees”.

System Error - Windows Loaded

To define recursion, we must first define recursion.

“If carrots are so good for the eyes, how come I see so many dead rabbits on the highway?”

Succeed in spite of management. Aim Low; Reach Your Goals, Avoid Disappointment.

As long as there are tests, there will be prayer in public schools.

Pardon my driving, I am reloading.

Seeing a murder on television...will help work off one’s antagonisms. And if you haven’t any antagonisms, the commercials will give you some.

The sooner you fall behind the more time you’ll have to catch up.

Anger is only one letter away from danger.

I used to be a banker, but then I lost interest.

“You start coding. I’ll go find out what they want.” — Computer analyst to programmer

Men are from earth. Women are from earth. Deal with it.

Remember the teakettle; though up to its neck in hot water, it continues to sing.

How can you come out of a closet if you never went in there in the first place?

If you can’t beat your computer at chess, try kickboxing.

It is said that if you line up all the cars in the world end to end, someone would be stupid enough to try and pass them.

Plan to be spontaneous tomorrow.

Raising teenagers is like trying to nail Jell-O to a tree.

Quantum: Noun, word used to sound like I know what I’m talking about while discussing physics I’ve never actually studied.

One of the greatest labour-saving inventions today is tomorrow.

On a tombstone: I TOLD YOU I WAS SICK

We waste time, so you don’t have to.

Cleverly Disguised As A Responsible Adult.

All those who believe in psycho kinesis raise my hand.

I tried sniffing Coke once, but the ice cubes got stuck in my nose.

It’s hard to face the problem, when the problem is your face.

It’s strange, isn’t it. You stand in the middle of a library and go aaaaagghhhh’ and everyone just stares at you. But you do the same thing on an aeroplane, and everyone joins in.

Even crime wouldn’t pay if the government ran it.

How do you know if a fish is Irish? It has drowned.

Two signs from a Majorcan shop entrance: English well speaking / Here speeching American.

What’s another word for Thesaurus?

Remember half the people you know are below average.

There’s a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot.

It doesn’t matter what temperature the room is; it’s always room temperature.

The shortest distance between two points is under construction.

Love is like an hourglass, with the heart filling up as the brain empties.

Whenever I feel like exercise, I lie down until the feeling passes.

Honesty is the best policy, but insanity is a better defence.

It used to be only death and taxes were inevitable. Now, of course, there’s shipping and handling, too.

Legend: a lie that has attained the dignity of age.

I live in my own little world, but it’s ok they know me here.

What happens if you get scared half to death twice?

PMS jokes aren’t funny. Period.

Half our life is spent trying to find something to do with the time we have rushed through life trying to save.

I didn’t like my beard at first. Then it grew on me.

I dropped out of communism class because of lousy Marx.

It is hard enough to remember my opinions, without also remembering my reasons for them!

One should forgive one’s enemies, but not before they are hanged.

Computers make it easy to do a lot of things, but most of the things that make it easier to do don’t need to be done.

Birthdays are good for you. Statistics show that the people who have the most live the longest.

On the other hand you have different fingers.

We have two ends. One for sitting and one for thinking. Our success depends on which one we use most.

I don’t want to achieve immortality through my work. I want to achieve immortality through not dying.

Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.

I don’t like people who take drugs... Customs Officers for example.

Applying computer technology is simply finding the right wrench to pound in the correct screw.

Time’s fun when you’re having flies... Kermit the Frog

Moderation in all things, including moderation.

There is no such thing as an underestimate of average intelligence

Roses are red, Violets are blue. In Soviet Russia, Poems write you.

If you think nobody cares if you’re alive, try missing a couple of car payments.

Statistics are like bikinis – What they reveal is suggestive, but what they conceal is vital.

I am obviously right, and as you disagree with me, then logically you must be wrong.

Experience is something you do not get until just after you need it.

The human brain is a wonderful thing. It starts working the moment you are born, and never stops until you stand up to speak in public.

Insanity is hereditary; you can get it from your children.

People with narrow minds usually have broad tongues.

I’m desperately trying to figure out why kamikaze pilots wore helmets.

My parents stayed together for forty years, but that was out of spite.

Blessed are those who can laugh at themselves, they will never cease to be amused.

A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat.

Nothing means nothing, but it isn’t really nothing because nothing is something that isn’t.

If everything is coming your way, you are probably in the wrong lane.

Laugh at your problems; everybody else does.

Technology is a way of organizing the universe so that man doesn’t have to experience it.

I thought I made a mistake once, but I was wrong.

Illiterate? Write For Help.

Isn’t having a smoking section in a restaurant like having a peeing section in a swimming pool?

The amount of work to be done increases in proportion to the amount of work already completed. — VAIL’S SECOND AXIOM

Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way when you criticize them, you are a mile away from them and you have their shoes.

Genius is 1% inspiration, and 99% perspiration.

When life hands you a lemon, make lemonade.

According to recent study someone is run over by a car every 5 minutes in the city. You’d think the guy would have enough sense to get out of the street.

It is a fitting irony that under Richard Nixon, ‘launder’ became a dirty word.

“Reader, suppose you were an idiot. And suppose you were a member of Congress. But I repeat myself”. — Mark Twain

Submit a quote