Amusing Quotes & One-Liners — Ned Martin’s Amused

Amusing Quotes & One-Liners

I married Miss Right. I just didn’t know her first name was Always.

Age is a very high price to pay for maturity.

Honesty is the best policy, but insanity is a better defence.

Promises are like babies: fun to make, but hell to deliver.

Early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.

Jokes about German sausage are the wurst.

Progress was all right. Only it went on too long.

Just because you’re not paranoid doesn’t mean they’re not out to get you.

Good judgement comes from experience. Experience comes from bad judgement.

As long as there are tests, there will be prayer in public schools.

Whenever there is any doubt, there is no doubt.

It is even harder for the average ape to believe that he has descended from man.

Why is the third hand on the watch called a second hand?

The fellow who thinks he knows it all is especially annoying to those of us who do.

System Error - Windows Loaded

Anger is only one letter away from danger.

Ours is a world where people don’t know what they want and are willing to go through hell to get it.

What do you call a dinosaur with an extensive vocabulary? A thesaurus.

Keyboard not detected. Press F1 to continue

“Managing senior programmers is like herding cats” — Dave Platt.

One martini is all right, two is too many, and three is not enough.

Democracy is a process by which people are free to choose the man who will get the blame.

Isn’t having a smoking section in a restaurant like having a peeing section in a swimming pool?

I wonder how much deeper would the ocean be without sponges.

Don’t take life too seriously—you’ll never get out of it alive.

The most precious thing we have is life. Yet it has absolutely no trade-in value.

I am amazed at radio DJ’s today. I am firmly convinced that AM on my radio stands for Absolute Moron. I will not begin to tell you what FM stands for.

You look like a million dollars. All green and wrinkled.

If you don’t know where you are going, you will wind up somewhere else.

There is no such thing as an underestimate of average intelligence

If at first you do succeed, try to hide your astonishment.

Democracy is the recurrent suspicion that more than half of the people are right more than half of the time.

Why do we wash bath towels, aren’t we clean when we use them?

I am not a vegetarian because I love animals; I am a vegetarian because I hate plants.

Stupidity is not a handicap! Park somewhere else!

I spent most of my money on booze, drugs and women... The rest I wasted!

I wondered why the baseball was getting bigger. Then it hit me.

Being a philosopher, I have a problem for every solution.

“Are you going to come quietly, or do I have to use earplugs?”—Vale Spike Milligan

Everybody is ignorant, only on different subjects.

Velcro — what a rip off!

Some people are going to leave a mark on this world, while others will leave a stain.

“I believe in equality for everyone, except reporters and photographers”. — Gandhi

Experience is something you do not get until just after you need it.

Time is God’s way of keeping everything from happening at once.

The world is full of willing people; some willing to work, the rest willing to let them.

If it’s 0 degrees today and it’s going to be twice as cold tomorrow... how cold will it be?

Optimists believe we live on the greatest world. Pessimists believe this is true.

“The best thing about the future is that it comes only one day at a time.” – Abraham Lincoln

If you’re not wasted, the day is.

Bigamy is having one wife too many. Monogamy is the same. – Oscar Wilde

Whenever people agree with me, I always feel I must be wrong.

Allow me to introduce my selves.

Partying... oops No Only Parting... sorry

A bachelor is a man who comes to work from a different direction each morning.

Comedy is tragedy plus time.

Marathon runners with bad footwear suffer the agony of defeat.

This guy walks into a bar and the barman says “Ouch, that must have hurt”

My mind works like lightning. One brilliant flash and it is gone.

I used to think I was indecisive, but now I’m not sure.

“On two occasions I have been asked [by members of Parliament!]: ‘Pray, Mr. Babbage, if you put into the machine wrong figures, will the right answers come out ?’ I am not able rightly to apprehend the kind of confusion of ideas that could provoke such a question.” — Charles Babbage.

Every morning is the dawn of a new error.

The earthquake in Washington obviously was the government’s fault.

Character is what you are in the dark.

They told me I had type A blood, but it was a Type O

Don’t talk unless you can improve the silence.

The man who fell into an upholstery machine is fully recovered.

Did you hear about the cross-eyed teacher who lost her job because she couldn’t control her pupils?

Don’t use a big word where a diminutive one will suffice.

Everything is possible; just not too probable.

Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy.

“Banking establishments are more dangerous than standing armies”. — Thomas Jefferson

I envy people who drink – at least they know what to blame everything on.

Raising teenagers is like trying to nail Jell-O to a tree.

Stupidity is not a handicap. Park elsewhere!

I’m reading a book about anti-gravity. I can’t put it down.

“You can always count on Americans to do the right thing—after they’ve tried everything else” – Winston Churchill

“Oh dear,” said God, “I hadn’t thought of that,” and promptly vanished in a puff of logic.

When life hands you a lemon, make lemonade.

If all you have is a hammer, everything looks like a nail.

Why were the Indians here first? They had reservations.

Be thankful for problems. If they were less difficult, someone with less ability might have your job.

Everybody is ignorant, only on different subjects.

“Things are more like they are now than they ever were before.” – Former U.S. President Dwight D. Eisenhower

Killed - Personality Incompatibility

Why is the man that invests your money called a broker?

People can be divided into three groups: Those who make things happen, those who watch things happen, and those who wonder what happened.

For Sale: Parachute. Only used once, never opened, small stain.

I’ve always wanted to be normal, but lately I’ve come to suspect that this is it.

Pick your friends but not to pieces.

The truth is a precious commodity. That’s why I use it so sparingly.

Jokes about German sausage are the wurst.

Being single is like a vacuum. It sucks when you are turned on.

When angry count four, when very angry, swear.

Living is not worth dying for.

How do you get an Irishman to burn his ear? Ring him up while he is ironing.

I hope that after I die, people will say of me: “That guy sure owed me a lot of money.”

I take everything I can for my kleptomania.

Always do sober what you said you’d do drunk. That will teach you to keep your mouth shut.

Any ship can be a minesweeper... once.

I intend to live forever – so far, so good.

If you think nobody cares if you’re alive, try missing a couple of car payments.

Climbers aim for the summit because it is there. Bungi jumpers dive off the top because they aren’t all there.

In a Budapest zoo: Please do not feed the animals. If you have any suitable food, give it to the guard on duty.

My girlfriend told me I should be more affectionate. So I got two more girlfriends.

He who trains his tongue to quote the learned sages, will be known far and wide as a smart ass.

If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?

Leftists are among the first to speak of their rights.

Outside a Hong Kong tailor shop: Ladies may have a fit upstairs.

Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying of nothing.

Succeed in spite of management. Aim Low; Reach Your Goals, Avoid Disappointment.

I love being married. It’s so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.

What Has Four Legs And An Arm? A Happy Pit Bull.

Streakers beware: Your end is in sight.

Chaos, panic, & disorder – my work here is done.

I have had more trouble with myself than with any other man I’ve met.

I’m an apathetic sociopath – I’d kill you if I cared.

Whenever I feel like exercise, I lie down until the feeling passes.

It’s strange, isn’t it. You stand in the middle of a library and go aaaaagghhhh’ and everyone just stares at you. But you do the same thing on an aeroplane, and everyone joins in.

If you don’t pay your exorcist you get repossessed.

When all other means of communication fail, try words.

I have great faith in fools; my friends call it self-confidence.

In this world, nothing is certain but death and taxes. – Benjamin Franklin

If someone with multiple personalities threatens suicide... is it considered a hostage situation?

Age is an issue of mind over matter. If you don’t mind, it doesn’t matter.

Illiterate? Write For Help.

What’s the definition of a will? (It’s a dead giveaway).

TEAMWORK... means never having to take all the blame yourself.

“I would like to live in Manchester, England. The transition between Manchester and death would be unnoticeable”. — Mark Twain

Outside of a dog, a book is probably man’s best friend, and inside of a dog, it’s too dark to read.

Sometimes I wake up grumpy; other times I let her sleep

If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?

Don’t stop to stomp on ants when the elephants are stampeding.

“Heavier-than-air flying machines are impossible.” — Lord Kelvin, president, Royal Society, 1895.

He who smiles in a crisis has found someone to blame.

Haunted French pancakes give me the crêpes.

Time’s fun when you’re having flies... Kermit the Frog

There are 10 types of people in the world: Those who understand binary, and those who don’t.

Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7th of your life.

A pessimist is a man who has been compelled to live with an optimist

A dyslexic man walks into a bra.

If sex is such a natural phenomenon, how come there are so many books on how to do it.

“I’ve been on a calendar but I have never been on time” – Marilyn Monroe

Borrow money from pessimists- they don’t expect to get it back.

When I was a boy I was told that anybody could become president; I’m beginning to believe it.

I took an IQ test and the results were negative.

If the human brain were so simple that we could understand it, we would be so simple we couldn’t.

Man who drive like hell bound to get there.

If it weren’t for the last minute, nothing would ever get done.

Consciousness: that annoying time between naps.

It is hard to understand how a cemetery raised its burial charges and blamed it on the cost of living.

A committee is a body that keeps minutes and wastes hours.

Well, if I called the wrong number, why did you answer the phone?

Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

If we learn by our mistakes, some of us are getting one hell of an education!

It’s not true that married men live longer than single men. It only seems longer.

He’s so lazy. I’ve seen him step into a revolving door and wait.

Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.

Everything you like is bad for you in some way.

Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?

Youth is a wonderful thing. What a crime to waste it on children.

There is nothing so annoying as to have two people go right on talking when you’re interrupting.

Does your train of thought have a caboose?

That which cannot be taken apart will fall apart.

If people concentrated on the really important things in life, there’d be a shortage of fishing poles.

It’s important to be open-minded, but not SO open-minded that your brains fall out.

The chance of a piece of bread falling with the buttered side down is directly proportional to the cost of the carpet.

In the beginning, there was nothing. Then God said, “Let there be light,” and there was still nothing, but you could see it.

On a tombstone: I TOLD YOU I WAS SICK

I’m sorry; you cannot have an outlook on life because it isn’t responding. Microsoft apologises for any inconvenience.

“My computer NEVER loc

I installed a skylight in my apartment. The people who live above me are furious.

Marriage is a three-ring circus: engagement ring, wedding ring, and suffering.

I have a simple philosophy. Fill what’s empty. Empty what’s full. Scratch where it itches.

A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a train stops. On my desk I have a workstation...

If At First You Don’t Succeed... Blame Someone Else And Seek Counseling.

I spilled spot remover on my dog. Now he’s gone.

When a clock is hungry, it goes back four seconds.

If I were two-faced, would I be wearing this one?

I generally avoid temptation unless I can’t resist it.

Slow is when someone laps you in the hundred-yard dash

It used to be only death and taxes were inevitable. Now, of course, there’s shipping and handling, too.

He often broke into song because he couldn’t find the key.

Plan to be spontaneous tomorrow.

An Apple a day keeps the doctor away. But... an onion a day keeps everyone away.

Well, this day was a total waste of makeup.

There are only three kinds of people; people who can count and people who can’t.

Quantum: Noun, word used to sound like I know what I’m talking about while discussing physics I’ve never actually studied.

Ninety-nine per cent of the people in the world are fools and the rest of us are in great danger of contagion.

“Your mouse has moved. Windows must be restarted for the change to take effect. Reboot now ? [OK]”

Eschew obfuscation.

I think animal testing is a terrible idea; they get all nervous and give the wrong answers.

If at first you don’t succeed, try, try again. Then quit. There’s no use being a damned fool about it.

Insanity is hereditary; you can get it from your children.

My reality check just bounced.

We waste time, so you don’t have to.

The only difference between Genius and Insanity... is success.

I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.

“Inconceivable!” “I do not think that word means what you think it means.”

I want to die peacefully in my sleep like my grandfather, not screaming in abject horror like his passengers.

I guess traffic in the city is improving a little. Yesterday, I drove clear across town and only had to shave twice.

I have noticed that the people who are late are often so much jollier that the people who have to wait for them.

Under capitalism, man exploits man. Under Communism, it’s just the opposite.

I like kids, but I don’t think I could eat a whole one.

Half of being smart is knowing what you are dumb at.

Help Wanted: Telepath. You know where to apply.

Be nice to your kids. They’ll choose your nursing home.

One day I will get this peer guy and reset his connection.

A cartoonist was found dead in his home. Details are sketchy.

I think, therefore I am single.

Genius is 1% inspiration, and 99% perspiration.

When you get a bladder infection, urine trouble.

Half our life is spent trying to find something to do with the time we have rushed through life trying to save.

Anything’s possible... apart from skiing through a revolving door.

My husband says I never listen to him (at least I think that’s what he said)

Is there life before death?

If ever I get married again it would have to be under an anaesthetic.

Even paranoids have real enemies.

Vote for the man who promises least; he’ll be the least disappointing.

“Hey, I’ve got reasons for what I’m doing,” REALLY MEANS, “I sure hope I think of some pretty soon.”

We are going on a field trip to the Coca-Cola factory. I hope there are no pop quizzes.

Someday we’ll look back on all this and plow into the back of a parked car.

Ever stop to think and forget to start again?

The difference between a stepping-stone and a stumbling block can be when you see it.

If quizzes are quizzical, what are tests?

What does a clock do when it’s hungry? It goes back four seconds.

When you come to a fork in the road, take it.

Why is it that to stop Windows, you have to click on “Start”?

If I’d known I was going to live this long, I’d have taken better care of myself.

How do I set a laser printer to stun?

My life has a superb cast but I can’t figure out the plot.

Some pain is physical, and some is mental, but one that’s both is dental.

Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don’t.

Go the extra mile. It makes your boss look like an incompetent slacker.

Love is blind, but marriage is a real eye-opener.

Shin: a device for finding furniture in the dark.

“War does not determine who is right - only who is left.” – Bertrand Russell

Lord, if you won’t make me skinny, please make all my friends fat.

Any task worth doing was worth doing yesterday.

Confidence is the feeling you have before you understand the situation

A bird does not sing because it has an answer—it sings because it has a song.

I used to be a banker, but then I lost interest.

What do you call a dinosaur with an extensive vocabulary? A thesaurus.

The light at the end of the tunnel has been turned off due to budget cuts.

“A girl phoned me the other day and said... Come on over, there’s nobody home. I went over. Nobody was home” — Rodney Dangerfield

Horn broken. Watch for finger. (on bumper sticker)

The best computer is a man, and it’s the only one that can be mass-produced by unskilled labour.

It’s hard to face the problem, when the problem is your face.

Brain: an apparatus with which we think we think.

Men occasionally stumble over the truth, but most of them pick themselves up and hurry off as if nothing had happened. – Winston Churchill

Nick Overruled - Democratic Majority Decision

Remember... Marriage is the number one cause of divorce. Statistically, 100% of all divorces started with marriage.

Democracy is a government where you can say what you think even if you don’t think.

“Life is a waste of time, time is a waste of life, so get wasted all of the time and have the time of your life”. — Tom Waits

Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

A person who smiles in the face of adversity... probably has a scapegoat.

Smith & Wesson — the original point and click interface.

We must believe in free will, we have no choice.

Save the whales. Collect the whole set.

Is Disney World the only people trap operated by a mouse?

Take my advice, I don’t use it anyway.

Brilliant, but with the social skills of a thermonuclear device.

To err is human – and to blame it on a computer is even more so.

If you try and don’t succeed, cheat. Repeat until caught. Then lie.

Snowmen fall from Heaven unassembled.

Applying computer technology is simply finding the right wrench to pound in the correct screw.

Programmer – A red-eyed, mumbling mammal capable of conversing with inanimate objects.

They say you only use ten percent of your brain. What about the other ten?

If vegetable oil comes from vegetables, where does baby oil come from?

Eagles may soar, but weasels don’t get sucked into jet engines.

Anyone who told you to be yourself couldn’t have given you worse advice.

It’s not hard to meet expenses, they’re everywhere.

Constipated People Don’t Give A Crap.

You can’t have everything. Where would you put it?

“If carrots are so good for the eyes, how come I see so many dead rabbits on the highway?”

Get a new car for your spouse – it’ll be a great trade!

Tell me what you need, and I’ll tell you how to get along without it.

How do you spot an Irishman at a carwash? He’s the one on the bike.

A printer consists of three main parts: the case, the jammed paper tray and the blinking red light

To B or not to B? *kills the B* I HATE BEES!!!! – LynxofCP

Man does not live by words alone, despite the fact that sometimes he has to eat them.

There are two kinds of people, those who finish what they start, and so on.

The most powerful force in the universe is gossip.

The trouble with our times is that the future is not what it used to be.

If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?

When I was young, I could remember anything. Whether it happened or not.

Modesty is a virtue of fools.

I got a job at a bakery because I kneaded dough.

“I wish everyone was peaceful. Then I could take over the planet with a butter knife”—Dogbert

I thought I wanted a career, turns out I just wanted paychecks.

The day I can’t do my job drunk is the day I turn in my badge and gun.

Compromise: the art of dividing a cake so that everybody believes he or she got the biggest piece.

If you want a committed man, look in a mental hospital.

I’d give my right arm to be ambidextrous.

At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be “What is hell?” Come early and listen to our choir practice.

“Reading computer manuals without the hardware is as frustrating as reading sex manuals without the software.” — Arthur C. Clarke.

If it weren’t for electricity we’d all be watching television by candlelight?

The art of flying is to throw yourself at the ground and miss.

My parents stayed together for forty years, but that was out of spite.

I always wanted to be somebody, but I should have been more specific.

I often quote myself; it adds spice to my conversation.

“Everyday I beat my own previous record for number of consecutive days I’ve stayed alive.”

How do you keep an Irishman busy? Write P.T.O on both sides of a piece of paper.

A penny saved is a Congressional spending oversight.

If you do not make dust, you eat dust.

If a job is worth doing well get someone else to do it.

A dog that attends a flea circus most likely will steal the whole show.

Men are from earth. Women are from earth. Deal with it.

If we don’t succeed, we run the risk of failure.

“Reader, suppose you were an idiot. And suppose you were a member of Congress. But I repeat myself”. — Mark Twain

Never go to a doctor whose office plants have died.

As a final incentive before giving up a difficult task, try to imagine it successfully accomplished by someone you violently dislike.

Seeing a murder on television...will help work off one’s antagonisms. And if you haven’t any antagonisms, the commercials will give you some.

Nobody can be exactly like me. Even I have trouble doing it.

On the other hand you have different fingers.

Men have a much better time of it than women; for one thing, they marry later; for another thing they die earlier.

Better to remain silent and be thought a fool, than to speak and remove all doubt.

A procrastinator’s work is never done.

The illegal we do immediately. The unconstitutional takes a little longer. – Henry Kissinger

Not all men are annoying. Some are dead.

Gossip: The art of saying nothing while leaving nothing unsaid.

Remember, half the people you know are below average.

I don’t have an attitude problem. You have a perception problem.

Most vegetarians look so much like the food they eat that they can be classified as cannibals.

I’m an idealist: I don’t know where I’m going, but I’m on my way.

AIBOHPHOBIA – the fear of palindromes.

The trouble with jogging is that, by the time you realise you’re not in shape for it, it’s far too far to walk back.

It is well to remember the entire population of the universe, with one trifling exception, is composed of others.

The beatings will continue until morale improves.

My one regret in life is that I am not someone else.

“The object of war is not to die for your country but to make the other bastard die for his.” – General George Patton

99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.

Best way to get a man to do something, is to suggest they are too old for it.

Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?

Cleverly Disguised As A Responsible Adult.

I am a nobody, nobody is perfect, therefore I’m perfect.

Everybody lies, but it doesn’t matter since nobody listens.

Money is flat and meant to be piled up. – Scottish Proverb

Warning: Dates in Calendar are closer than they appear.

Seen it all, done it all, can’t remember most of it.

The secret of success is sincerity. Once you can fake that you’ve got it made.

Connection Reset By Aboriginal With Wire Cutters

On the keyboard of life, always keep one finger on the escape key.

A study in the Washington Post says that women have better verbal skills than men. I just want to say to the authors of that study: “Duh.”— Conan O’Brien

I used to be apathetic, but now I don’t give a damn.

It is hard enough to remember my opinions, without also remembering my reasons for them!

If we aren’t supposed to eat animals, why are they made of meat?

You’re not drunk if you can lie on the floor without holding on.

Some people say that I must be a horrible person, but that’s not true. I have the heart of a young boy – in a jar on my desk.

One of the greatest labour-saving inventions today is tomorrow.

Age is a question of mind over matter. If you don’t mind, it don’t matter.

The amount of work to be done increases in proportion to the amount of work already completed. — VAIL’S SECOND AXIOM

You’ll never get to heaven if you’re scared of getting high.

Conscience is the inner voice warning us that someone may be looking.

I used to be a Kleptomaniac, But now I’m taking something for it

Anyone can admit they were wrong; the true test is admitting it to someone else.

What sane person could live in this world and not be crazy?

Never argue with an idiot. They drag you down to their level then beat you with experience.

Broken pencils are pointless.

I plead contemporary insanity.

111,111,111 x 111,111,111 = 12,345,678,987,654,321

How Many Roads Must A Man Travel Down Before He Admits He Is Lost?

I’m quite easy to get along with, once you learn to beckon at my every call and yield to all my desires.

I laugh in the face of danger, except if I’m involved.

All men are equal. Some are just more equal than others.

A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat.

One good thing about repeating your mistakes is that you know when to cringe.

My schoolmates would make love to anything that moved, but I never saw any reason to limit myself.

Cab drivers are living proof that practice does not make perfect.

I love cats – they taste just like chicken.

Don’t Be Sexist – Broads Hate That.

Sex on television can’t hurt you unless you fall off.

“This report, by its very length, defends itself against the risk of being read”. — Winston Churchill

To find out a girl’s faults, praise her to her girl friends.

I hate women because they always know where things are.

Man who run behind car get exhausted.

Money can’t buy happiness, but it sure makes misery easier to live with.

I haven’t spoken to my wife for 18 months: I don’t like to interrupt her.

It’s easy to quit smoking... I’ve done it over 10,000 times.

I changed my iPod’s name to Titanic. It’s syncing now.

“He has been given a large brain by mistake, since for him the spinal cord would fully suffice.” — Albert Einstein

If money talks, it ain’t on speakin’ terms with me.

Don’t use a big word where a diminutive one will suffice.

A bird in the hand is safer than one overhead.

Experience is simply the name we give our mistakes.

I like children. Properly cooked.

You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.

My favorite mythical creature? The honest politician.

Friends may come and go, but enemies accumulate

I love deadlines. I especially like the whooshing sound they make as they go flying by.

History will be kind to me for I intend to write it. – Winston Churchill

Don’t marry for money. You can borrow it cheaper.

Be kind to your dentist. He has fillings, too.

There are very few personal problems that cannot be solved through a suitable application of high explosives.

I Refuse To Have A Battle Of Wits With An Unarmed Person.

Having more money doesn’t make you happier. I have 50 million dollars but I’m just as happy as when I had 48 million. ~ Arnold Schwarzenegger.

Somewhere on this globe, every ten seconds, is a woman giving birth to a child. She must be found and stopped.

I Haven’t Lost My Mind, It’s Backed Up On Disk Somewhere.

One should forgive one’s enemies, but not before they are hanged.

I was at a bar nursing a beer. My nipple was getting quite soggy.

If you can’t convince them, confuse them.

Why does Sea World have a seafood restaurant? I’m halfway through my fish burger and I realize, Oh my gosh... I could be eating a slow learner.

Foolproof systems don’t take into account the ingenuity of fools.

If it’s true that we are here to help others, then what exactly are the others here for?

A clean tie attracts the soup of the day.

In a Rome laundry: Ladies, leave your clothes here and spend the afternoon having a good time.

Sheep don’t fly so much as plummet.

Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian any more than going to the garage makes you a car.

Everybody has a photographic memory. Some don’t have film.

You have the right to your opinions. I just don’t want to hear them.

If everything is coming your way, you are probably in the wrong lane.

We Quit Voting Will They All Go Away?

Anywhere is walking distance, if you’ve got the time.

I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.

Fundamentalism: Believe in a kind, loving God or we’ll kill you!

I have spent my whole life looking for the perfect woman, and now I’ve found her. Too bad she’s looking for the perfect man.

“Every mighty oak was once just a nut who stood his ground.”

Mines are equal opportunity weapons.

Only a fool is astonished by the foolishness of humankind.

Never put off until tomorrow what you can avoid altogether.

This mind intentionally left blank

The sooner you fall behind the more time you’ll have to catch up.

Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.

What hair color do they put on the driver’s licenses of bald men?

“I have left orders to be awakened at any time in case of national emergency – even if I’m in a Cabinet meeting.” – Ronald Reagan

“C++ : Where friends have access to your private members.” — Gavin Russell Baker.

“Blink your eyelids periodically to lubricate your eyes.” — Page 16 of the HP “Environmental, Health Safety Handbook for Employees”.

“The generation of random numbers is too important to be left to chance.” — Robert R. Coveyou, Oak Ridge National Laboratory.

Booze is the answer. I don’t remember the question.

How can you come out of a closet if you never went in there in the first place?

Bacteria: the only culture some people have.

So Many Pedestrians – So Little Time.

Lots of people know a good thing the minute the other fellow sees it first.

Needing someone is like needing a parachute. If he isn’t there the first time you need him, chances are you won’t be needing him again.

A synonym is a word you use when you can’t spell the word you first thought of.

Men’s faults are many, women have only two. Everything they say, and everything they do.

If olive oil comes from olives, where does baby oil come from?

If you can’t convince them, confuse them.

If a President doesn’t do it to his wife, he’ll do it to his country.

I don’t meet competition. I crush it

As the light changed from red to green to yellow and back to red again, I sat there thinking about life. Was it nothing more than a bunch of honking and yelling? Sometimes it seemed that way.

Marriage changes passion... suddenly you’re in bed with a relative.

In the office of a Roman doctor: Specialist in women and other diseases.

Madness takes its toll. Please have exact change.

Proofread carefully to see if you any words out.

A great many people think they are thinking when they are merely rearranging their prejudices.

Show me a piano falling down a mineshaft and I’ll show you A-flat minor.

He who laughs last thinks slowest.

There’s a fine line between genius and insanity. I have erased this line.

According to recent study someone is run over by a car every 5 minutes in the city. You’d think the guy would have enough sense to get out of the street.

I had amnesia once or twice.

Politicians are people who, when they see the light at the end of the tunnel, go out and buy more tunnel.

Next time you wave, use all your fingers.

I have kleptomania, but when it gets bad, I take something for it. ~ Robert Benchle

I tried to photograph the fog, but I mist.

Make sure your mind isn’t so open that your brains fall out.

Be careful when reading health books; you may die of a misprint.

Artificial Intelligence is no match for Natural Stupidity.

Authority makes some people grow – and others just swell.

“People who drink light beer don’t like the taste of beer; they just like to pee a lot” — Rodney Dangerfield

There are two types of people in this world, good and bad. The good sleep better, but the bad seem to enjoy the waking hours much more.

If at first you don’t succeed, skydiving is not your sport.

If you choke a smurf, what colour does it turn?

“How come we choose from just two people to run for president and 50 for Miss America?”

There’s a difference between being open-minded and having a hole in your head

Instead of getting married again, I’m going to find a woman I don’t like and just give her a house.—Rod Stewart

If life was fair, Elvis would be alive and all the impersonators would be dead.

We spend the first twelve months of our children’s lives teaching them to walk and talk and the next twelve telling them to sit down and shut up.

Hard work never killed anybody but why take the chance?

Venison for dinner again? Oh deer!

Englishmen never will be slaves: they are free to do whatever the Government and public opinion allow them to do.

Computers make it easy to do a lot of things, but most of the things that make it easier to do don’t need to be done.

A guy got arrested for playing the guitar. He was fingering a minor.

“Always be sincere, even when you don’t mean it”. — Irene Peter

INDECISION is the key to FLEXIBILITY.

Oh, don’t fuss. I just cut myself. It’s no big deal,” REALLY MEANS, “I have actually severed a limb, but will bleed to death before I admit I’m hurt.”

Laugh and the world laughs with you; snore and you sleep alone.

Life is complex: it has real and imaginary parts.

Eat a live toad first thing in the morning, and nothing worse can happen to you the rest of the day.

Bachelors have consciences, married men have wives.

“#define QUESTION ((bb) || !(bb))” — Shakespeare

When in trouble, fear or doubt, run in circles, scream and shout.

The surprising thing about young fools is how many survive to become old fools.

Work expands to fill the time available. — PARKINSON’S LAW

Cluster bombing from B-52s is very, very accurate – the bombs always hit the ground.

A diplomatic husband said to his wife, how do you expect me to remember your birthday when you never look any older?

When you do not know what you are doing, do it neatly.

I tried sniffing Coke once, but the ice cubes got stuck in my nose.

Maybe I’m lucky to be going so slowly, because I may be going in the wrong direction.

“I’d rather have a bottle in front of me, than a frontal lobotomy”. — Tom Waits

Some people are alive only because it’s illegal to kill them.

“As a matter of fact” is an expression that precedes many an expression that isn’t.

If you can’t dazzle them with brilliance... just baffle them with bullsh*t.

Doctor, Doctor I keep getting pains in the eye when I drink coffee. Have you tried taking the spoon out?

If con is the opposite of pro, congress is the opposite of progress.

I know a guy who is addicted to brake fluid. He says he can stop anytime.

If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?

“You have to be careful about being too careful” – Beryl Pfizer

Prediction is extremely difficult. Especially about the future.

Knowledge is the key, but where is the damn lock?

What happens if you get scared half to death twice?

Blessed are those who can laugh at themselves, they will never cease to be amused.

Cheerfulness is contagious, but don’t wait to catch it from others. Be a carrier.

“There is no reason anyone would want a computer in their home.” — Ken Olson, founder of Digital Equipment Corp., 1977.

Cheer up, the worst is yet to come.

Where you stand depends on where you sit.

To succeed in politics, it is often necessary to rise above your principles.

If you don’t learn to laugh at troubles, you won’t have anything to laugh at when you grow old.

It is not my interest to pay the principal, nor my principal to pay the interest.

“This ‘telephone’ has too many shortcomings to be seriously considered as a means of communication.” — Western Union internal memo, 1876.

I’m not dumb; I just have a command of thoroughly useless information.

If you can’t beat your computer at chess, try kickboxing.

This comment is printed on 100% recycled electrons.

Why is it called tourist season if we can’t shoot at them?

I couldn’t repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.

It is a fitting irony that under Richard Nixon, ‘launder’ became a dirty word.

“When you starve with a tiger, the tiger starves last”. — Griffin’s Thought

I’m desperately trying to figure out why kamikaze pilots wore helmets.

Honk if you love peace and quiet.

“Auntie Em: hate you, hate Kansas, taking the dog.” – Dorothy

Last night I lay in bed looking up at the stars in the sky and I thought to myself, “Where the heck is the ceiling?”

“There are only two things that are infinite: the universe and human stupidity. And I’m not sure about the universe.” A. Einstein

Latest survey shows that 3 out of 4 people make up 75% of the world’s population.

I took a speed reading course and read ‘War and Peace’ in twenty minutes. It involves Russia. Enough women for four.

Shin: a device for finding furniture in the dark.

A poor excuse is like an old bucket; doesn’t matter what shape it is in, as long as it holds water.

“I could tell that my parents hated me. My bath toys were a toaster and a radio” — Rodney Dangerfield

Abel Tasman on discovering Tasmania, “Too far south for spices and too close to the rim of the earth to be inhabited by anything but freaks and monsters”

I was the next door kid’s imaginary friend.

For people who like peace and quiet – a phoneless cord.

When you are arguing with an idiot, make sure the other person isn’t doing the same thing.

I dropped out of communism class because of lousy Marx.

Those who can laugh without cause have either found the true meaning of happiness or have gone stark raving mad.

Blessed are the young, for they shall inherit the national debt.

I get enough exercise just pushing my luck.

Heck is where people go who don’t believe in gosh.

If I have to work for an idiot, I might as well work for myself.

No problem is so big and complicated that it can’t be ran away from.

You’re such an inspiration for the way I’ll never choose to be.

Age always corresponds inversely to the size of your multivitamin.

If you can stay calm, while all around you is chaos... then you probably haven’t completely understood the situation.

The human brain is a wonderful thing. It starts working the moment you are born, and never stops until you stand up to speak in public.

“You, you and you: panic. The rest of you, come with me.”

All the toilets in New York’s police stations have been stolen. The police have nothing to go on.

People don’t grow up; they just learn how to act in public.

The trouble with the rat race is that even if you win, you’re still a rat.

Never buy a car you can’t push.

Alcohol: the cause of, and solution to, all of life’s problems.

Always remember you’re unique, just like everyone else.

Man who run in front of car get tired.

Work: It isn’t just for sleeping anymore.

“If women didn’t exist, all the money in the world would have no meaning.” – Aristotle Onassis

Two strings walk into a bar. The first string says to the bartender, “Bartender, I’ll have a beer. u.5n$x5t?*&4ru!2[sACCErJ”. The second string says, “Pardon my friend, he isn’t NULL terminated”.

You can say any foolish thing to a dog, and the dog will give you a look that says, “My God, you’re right! I never would’ve thought of that!”

“A patriot must always be ready to defend his country against his government”. — Edward Abbey

If at first you don’t succeed, destroy all the evidence that you tried.

I’m not into working out. My philosophy: No pain, no pain.

PMS jokes aren’t funny. Period.

There are three ways to get something done: do it yourself, hire someone, or forbid your kids to do it.

e=mc^2 where m = the number of cooks required to spoil the broth

“You start coding. I’ll go find out what they want.” — Computer analyst to programmer

I majored in liberal arts. Will that be for here or to go?

Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way when you criticize them, you are a mile away from them and you have their shoes.

It’s just a job. Grass grows, birds fly, waves pound the sand. I just beat people up. – Muhammad Ali

It’s bad luck to be superstitious.

I heard a man say that brigands demand your money or your life, whereas women require both.

Red Tape Holds Up New Bridge!

Just remember... if the world didn’t suck, we’d all fall off.

It is wiser to find out than to suppose.—Mark Twain

Love is like an hourglass, with the heart filling up as the brain empties.

I’d like to see things your way, but I’m looking in another direction.

I had some words with my wife, and she had some paragraphs with me.

He’s not dead, he’s electroencephalographically challenged.

“I think there is a world market for maybe five computers.” — Thomas Watson, chairman of IBM, 1943.

How do you know if a fish is Irish? It has drowned.

I stayed up all night to see where the sun went. Then it dawned on me.

Someone sent me a postcard picture of the earth. On the back it said, “Wish you were here.”

Santa’s helpers are subordinate clauses.

A bargain is something you don’t need at a price you can’t resist.

Doctor, Doctor You’ve got to help me – I just can’t stop my hands shaking. Do you drink a lot? Not really – I spill most of it!

The second day of a diet is alway easier than the first. By the second day, you’re off it.

Tip the world over on its side and everything loose will land in Los Angeles.

If trees could scream, would we be so cavalier about cutting them down? We might, if they screamed all the time, for no good reason.

I am obviously right, and as you disagree with me, then logically you must be wrong.

I have gone to look for myself, if I should return before I get back, keep me here.

Don’t look back. Something may be gaining on you.

A conscience does not prevent sin. It only prevents you from enjoying it.

Arguing on the Internet is like competing in the Special Olympics – even if you win, you are still retarded.

If a man opens a car door for a woman, either the car is new or the woman.

I did a theatrical performance about puns. It was a play on words.

Hope sees the invisible, feels the intangible and achieves the impossible.

They say if you play a Microsoft CD backwards you hear satanic messages. That’s nothing, if you play it forwards it installs Windows.

Honest criticism is hard to take, particularly from a relative, a friend, an acquaintance, or a stranger.

What’s another word for Thesaurus?

Half of the people in the world are below average.

God must love stupid people, he made so many.

If I were someone who knew something, who could I tell that would believe me?

“Thinking is the hardest work there is, which is probably why so few engage in it”. — Henry Ford

Lead us not into temptation. Just tell us where it is; we’ll find it.

Caution – Driver Legally Blonde!

If a woman has to choose between catching a fly ball and saving an infant’s life, she will choose to save the infant’s life without even considering if there is a man on base.—Dave Barry

Women like silent men. They think they’re listening.

By the time a man realises that his father was right, he has a son who thinks he’s wrong.

In a Norwegian cocktail lounge: Ladies are requested not to have children in the bar.

Plato is dead, Einstein is dead, and I’m not feeling too good myself...

An army of deer led by a lion is more to be feared than an army of lions led by a deer.

Laugh at your problems; everybody else does.

I don’t approve of political jokes... I’ve seen too many of them get elected.

Mind like a steel trap – rusty and illegal in most states.

You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say will be misquoted then used against you.

A hangover is the wrath of grapes.

Despite the cost of living it’s still very popular.

Nothing means nothing, but it isn’t really nothing because nothing is something that isn’t.

We’ve made great medical progress in the last generation. What used to be merely an itch is now an allergy.

Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.

Everyone hates me because I’m paranoid.

Advertisement for donkey rides in Thailand: Would you like to ride on your own ass?

I fear my inferiority complex is not as good as yours.

Accept that some days you’re the pigeon, and some days you’re the statue.

The scientific theory I like best is that the rings of Saturn are composed entirely of lost airline luggage.

If you don’t know why I’m mad at you, then I’m certainly not going to tell you

The dumber people think you are, the more surprised they’re going to be when you kill them—Rodney Dangerfield

My mind not only wanders, sometimes it leaves completely.

“How can a president not be an actor?” – when asked “How could an actor become president?” – Ronald Reagan

Acupuncture is a jab well done.

Pardon my driving, I am reloading.

Years ago fairy tales began with “Once upon a time...” Now it’s “If I am elected...”

Quantum mechanics: The dreams stuff is made of.

All those who believe in psycho kinesis raise my hand.

I started out with nothing, and I still have most of it.

Make three correct guesses consecutively and you will establish yourself as an expert.

Who is General Failure and why is he reading my hard disk?

Before you give a colleague a piece of your mind, be sure you can spare it.

System Error - Windows Loaded

Macho Law prohibits me from admitting I’m wrong.

Anything not nailed down is a cat toy.

I’m in no shape to exercise.

Does this smell like chloroform to you?

At the age of six I wanted to be a cook. At seven I wanted to be Napoleon. And my ambition has been growing steadily ever since.

The number of people watching you is directly proportional to the stupidity of your action.

It’s not that I’m afraid to die; I just don’t want to be there when it happens.

Men don’t care what’s on TV. They only care what else is on TV.

The shortest distance between two points is under construction.

It doesn’t matter what temperature the room is; it’s always room temperature.

Time is a great teacher, but unfortunately it kills all its pupils.

I’m out of my mind, but feel free to leave a message.

“The web is a dominatrix. Every where I turn, I see little buttons ordering me to Submit.” — Nytwind.

Statistics are like bikinis – What they reveal is suggestive, but what they conceal is vital.

Impotence: Nature’s Way Of Saying “No Hard Feelings”.

If you’re born again, do you have two bellybuttons?

I used to find him boring until I stopped listening.

I arise in the morning torn between a desire to improve the world and a desire to enjoy the world. This makes it hard to plan the day.

I married my wife for her looks... but not the ones she’s been giving me lately!

“Few things are harder to put up with than a good example.”—Mark Twain

To define recursion, we must first define recursion.

It is a small world, but I wouldn’t like to have to paint it.

If automobiles had followed the same development cycle as the computer, a Rolls Royce would today cost $100, get a million miles per gallon, and explode once a year, killing everyone inside.

Hang in there; retirement is only thirty years away.

I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol.

Restarting System - Mouse Moved

Laughing stock: cattle with a sense of humour.

I didn’t like my beard at first. Then it grew on me.

I can please only one person per day. Today is not your day. Tomorrow isn’t looking good either.

One good turn gets most of the blankets.

I’d explain it to you, but your brain would explode.

Marriage is not a word; it is a sentence.

Even crime wouldn’t pay if the government ran it.

Smoking cures weight problems...eventually...

After all is said and done, more is said than done.

IRS: We’ve got what it takes to take what you’ve got.

Without question, the greatest invention in the history of mankind is beer. Oh, I grant you that the wheel was also a fine invention, but the wheel does not go nearly as well with pizza.

An egotist has one point in his favour – he doesn’t go round talking about other people.

Time flies like an arrow – fruit flies like a banana.

Anything not nailed down is mine. Anything I can pry loose is not nailed down.

Eagles may soar, but weasels don’t get sucked into jet engines.

Money is better than poverty, if only for financial reasons.

I love work; it fascinates me; I can sit and watch it for hours.

I thought I made a mistake once, but I was wrong.

If you can’t be kind, at least have the decency to be vague.

“If builders built buildings the way programmers write programs, then the first woodpecker that came along would destroy civilization” — Weinberg’s Second Law.

All my life, I always wanted to be somebody. Now I see that I should have been more specific.

I don’t enjoy computer jokes; not one bit.

In a Copenhagen airline ticket office: We take your bags and send them in all directions.

I used up all my sick days, so I’m calling in dead.

Wine divulges truth.

Once, during prohibition, I was forced to live for days on nothing but food and water.

Errors have been made. Others will be blamed.

I’ve been trying for some time to develop a life style that doesn’t require my presence.

Remember half the people you know are below average.

I either want less corruption, or more chance to participate in it.

When in doubt, mumble.

Hemp is a herb. Bush is a dope.

We have two ends. One for sitting and one for thinking. Our success depends on which one we use most.

A baby sitter is a teenager acting like an adult while the adults are out acting like teenagers.

Five out of four people have trouble with fractions.

Plagiarism saves time.

Why is it that doctors call what they do “practice”?

I always wanted to be a procrastinator, never got around to it though.

An Irish man was driving to the airport when he saw a sign saying ‘Airport – Left’... So he went home.

Humour. It is a difficult concept. It is not logical.

A backwards poet writes inverse.

I live in my own little world, but it’s ok they know me here.

Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?

I don’t suffer from stress. I’m a carrier.

Remember the teakettle; though up to its neck in hot water, it continues to sing.

Energizer Bunny arrested: Charged with battery.

Where there’s a will, I want to be in it.

Time sneaks up on you like a windshield on a bug.

Life is far too important to be taken seriously.

“There are two major products that come out of Berkeley: LSD and UNIX. We don’t believe this to be a coincidence.” — Jeremy S. Anderson

Youth would be an ideal state if it came a little later in life.

I don’t necessarily agree with everything I say.

If puns were outlawed, only outlaws would have puns.

Confidence is the feeling you have before you understand the situation.

Hypochondria is the only disease I haven’t got.

“Then he ran into my knife. He ran into my knife ten times.” – Chicago

Never put both feet in your mouth at the same time, because then you don’t have a leg to stand on.

In democracy it’s your vote that counts. In feudalism it’s your count that votes.

This Would Be Really Funny If It Weren’t Happening To Me.

I work hard because millions on welfare depend on me.

England has no kidney bank, but it does have a Liverpool.

Mental Floss prevents Moral Decay.

Solitude is fine, but you need someone to tell you that solitude is fine.

Where do you find an Irish woodworm? Dead inside a brick.

“Always in motion the future is. Seasick it makes me. That’s why so green I am”. – Yoda

If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?

People who think they know everything are annoying to those of us who do.

There are two kinds of people, those who finish what they start, and so on.

Tips for Vegetarians: Hit a chicken enough times and it turns into a vegetable.

Military intelligence is a contradiction in terms.

Bacteria: the only culture some people have.

The only perfect science is hindsight.

“When in doubt tell the truth.”—Mark Twain

I think that’s how Chicago got started. A bunch of people in New York said, “Gee, I’m enjoying the crime and the poverty, but it just isn’t cold enough. Let’s go west.”—Richard Jeni

The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.

It is not what a teenager knows that bothers his parents. It is how he found out.

Sometimes I think the surest sign that intelligent life exists elsewhere in the universe is that none of it has tried to contact us.

In elementary school, in case of fire, you have to line up quietly in a single file line from smallest to tallest. What is the logic? Do tall people burn slower?

Roses are red, Violets are blue. In Soviet Russia, Poems write you.

I don’t want to achieve immortality through my work. I want to achieve immortality through not dying.

There are 3 kinds of people: those who can count and those who can’t.

My husband and I divorced over religious differences... He thought he was God and I didn’t.

If the French were really intelligent, they’d speak English.

I like to start my periods with sentences.

If you don’t know where you are going, you might wind up someplace else.

Man shoots neighbour with machete [The Miami Herald, July 3]

When Chemists die, they barium.

A conclusion is simply the place where you got tired of thinking.

In the beginning, God created earth and rested. Then God created man and rested. Then God created woman. Since then, neither God nor man has rested.

“Einstein argued that there must be simplified explanations of nature, because God is not capricious or arbitrary. No such faith comforts the software engineer.” — Fred Brooks.

It is said that if you line up all the cars in the world end to end, someone would be stupid enough to try and pass them.

The early bird gets the worm, but the early worm gets eaten.

Don’t be irreplaceable; if you cannot be replaced, you cannot be promoted.

The dictionary is the only place where success comes before work.

Originality is the fine art of remembering what you hear, but forgetting where you heard it.

Early to rise, early to bed, makes a man healthy but socially dead.

Murphy’s Golden Rule: Whoever has the gold makes the rules.

Some people are alive only because it’s illegal to kill them.

The sooner you fall behind the more time you’ll have to catch up.

“I worked in a pet shop and people kept asking how big I’d get” — Rodney Dangerfield

I don’t like people who take drugs... Customs Officers for example.

I don’t have a solution but I admire the problem.

An egotist is a person of low taste—more interested in himself than in me.

If you want your spouse to listen and pay strict attention to every word you say, talk in your sleep.

Jack and Jill did it for the insurance.

I don’t suffer from stress. I’m a carrier.

Before marriage, a man yearns for the woman he loves. After marriage, the ‘Y’ becomes silent.

A day without sun shine is like, you know, night.

I wished the buck stopped here, as I could use a few.

Life... I don’t get it...

If you’re not confused, you’re not paying attention.

Everyone needs belief in something. I believe I’ll have another beer.

He does the work of three men: Larry, Moe and Curly.

Procrastinate Now!

Moderation in all things, including moderation.

Perhaps you’re diagonally parked in a parallel universe?

The things that come to those that wait may be the things left by those who got there first.

I used to think I was indecisive, but now I’m not sure.

If Bill Gates had a nickel for every time Windows crashed... oh wait, he does.

The more time you spend in reporting on what you are doing, the less time you have to do it in. Stability is achieved when you spend all your time doing nothing but reporting on the nothing you are doing.

No sense being pessimistic, it probably wouldn’t work anyway.

When I’m not in my right mind, my left mind gets pretty crowded

Of course, we are all worms—but I like to think, at least, that I am a glow-worm. – Winston Churchill

“I’ve noticed that everyone who is for abortion has already been born.” – Ronald Reagan

What if there were no hypothetical questions?

The only reason some people get lost in thought is because it’s unfamiliar territory.

Get even – live long enough to be a problem to your kids.

Everybody is somebody else’s weirdo.

When he first ran for office, he appealed to the voters: “I never stole anything in my life. All I ask is a chance.”

Every time I look at you I get a fierce desire to be lonesome.

This girl said she recognized me from the vegetarian club, but I’d never met herbivore

I don’t believe in astrology. I am a Sagittarius and we’re very skeptical. ~ Arthur C. Clarke

You can always spot a well-informed man – his views are the same as yours.

Well if this is the wrong number, why did you answer it?

A soldier who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran.

Always try to be modest and be proud of it!

Man who eat many prunes get good run for money.

I am free of all prejudices. I hate everyone equally.

From the moment I picked your book up until I laid it down I was convulsed with laughter. Some day I intend reading it.

Cole’s Law: Thinly sliced cabbage.

Two signs from a Majorcan shop entrance: English well speaking / Here speeching American.

There’s a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot.

If the world should blow itself up, the last audible voice would be that of an expert saying it can’t be done.

Being in the army is like being in the Boy Scouts, except that the Boy Scouts have adult supervision.

Chipped dishes never break.

Just because your head is the biggest doesn’t mean it contains the right ideas.

Connection Reset - Insufficient Electrons

Birthdays are good for you. Statistics show that the people who have the most live the longest.

How did Moses make his tea? Hebrews it.

Never underestimate the power of very stupid people in large groups.

“My wife made me join a bridge club. I jump off next Tuesday” — Rodney Dangerfield

Technology is a way of organizing the universe so that man doesn’t have to experience it.

“I am not worried about the deficit. It is big enough to take care of itself.” – Ronald Reagan

I stayed up all night to see where the sun went. Then it dawned on me.

A team effort is a lot of people doing what I say

“They say hard work never hurt anybody, but I figure why take the chance.” – Ronald Reagan

How do you sink an Irish Submarine? Knock on the hatch.

Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.

Success always occurs in private, and failure in full public view.

The doctor can bury his mistakes but an architect can only advise his client to plant vines.

It has recently been discovered that research causes cancer in rats.

Why don’t you ever see the headline “Psychic Wins Lottery”?

I have the body of a GOD – Buddha.

Sheep don’t fly so much as plummet.

I majored in liberal arts. Will that be for here or to go?

“I have never let my schooling interfere with my education.”—Mark Twain

Support bacteria – they’re the only culture some people have.

When your IQ reaches 80 –– sell.

Am I getting smart with you? How would you know?

Anything that can become tangled around something else, will.

People with narrow minds usually have broad tongues.

In a Tokyo shop: Our nylons cost more than common, but you’ll find they are best in the long run.

Legend: a lie that has attained the dignity of age.

You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They left a little note on the windscreen, it said ‘Parking Fine.’

Bachelors know more about women than married men; if they didn’t they’d be married too.

The trouble with life is there’s no background music.

The short fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.

You have to stay in shape. My grandmother, she started walking five miles a day when she was 60. She’s 97 today and we don’t know where the hell she is.

On the plus side, death is one of the few things that can be done just as easily as lying down.

I’m not afraid of heights, only widths.

A drop of ink may make a million think.

If at first you don’t succeed, try management.

I can resist everything except temptation.

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