Amusing Quotes & One-Liners

Character is what you are in the dark.

Half our life is spent trying to find something to do with the time we have rushed through life trying to save.

How do you get an Irishman to burn his ear? Ring him up while he is ironing.

Cole’s Law: Thinly sliced cabbage.

Cleverly Disguised As A Responsible Adult.

I majored in liberal arts. Will that be for here or to go?

I have noticed that the people who are late are often so much jollier that the people who have to wait for them.

Man shoots neighbour with machete [The Miami Herald, July 3]

As long as there are tests, there will be prayer in public schools.

Hope sees the invisible, feels the intangible and achieves the impossible.

It’s easy to quit smoking... I’ve done it over 10,000 times.

There’s a fine line between genius and insanity. I have erased this line.

When you come to a fork in the road, take it.

Despite the cost of living it’s still very popular.

The most powerful force in the universe is gossip.

An army of deer led by a lion is more to be feared than an army of lions led by a deer.

Plato is dead, Einstein is dead, and I’m not feeling too good myself...

The most precious thing we have is life. Yet it has absolutely no trade-in value.

Oh, don’t fuss. I just cut myself. It’s no big deal,” REALLY MEANS, “I have actually severed a limb, but will bleed to death before I admit I’m hurt.”

Hard work never killed anybody but why take the chance?

Always try to be modest and be proud of it!

If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?

Where do you find an Irish woodworm? Dead inside a brick.

He who trains his tongue to quote the learned sages, will be known far and wide as a smart ass.

Smoking cures weight problems...eventually...

The only perfect science is hindsight.

“Reader, suppose you were an idiot. And suppose you were a member of Congress. But I repeat myself”. — Mark Twain

“Reading computer manuals without the hardware is as frustrating as reading sex manuals without the software.” — Arthur C. Clarke.

Illiterate? Write For Help.

Being a philosopher, I have a problem for every solution.

A study in the Washington Post says that women have better verbal skills than men. I just want to say to the authors of that study: “Duh.”— Conan O’Brien

The day I can’t do my job drunk is the day I turn in my badge and gun.

Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?

I am not a vegetarian because I love animals; I am a vegetarian because I hate plants.

I arise in the morning torn between a desire to improve the world and a desire to enjoy the world. This makes it hard to plan the day.

Laugh and the world laughs with you; snore and you sleep alone.

It is well to remember the entire population of the universe, with one trifling exception, is composed of others.

An egotist is a person of low taste—more interested in himself than in me.

We Quit Voting Will They All Go Away?

Those who can laugh without cause have either found the true meaning of happiness or have gone stark raving mad.

If we don’t succeed, we run the risk of failure.

Originality is the fine art of remembering what you hear, but forgetting where you heard it.

Money is better than poverty, if only for financial reasons.

Quantum mechanics: The dreams stuff is made of.

Slow is when someone laps you in the hundred-yard dash

Ever stop to think and forget to start again?

Santa’s helpers are subordinate clauses.

What if there were no hypothetical questions?

Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

If ever I get married again it would have to be under an anaesthetic.

You can’t have everything. Where would you put it?

Work: It isn’t just for sleeping anymore.

All those who believe in psycho kinesis raise my hand.

Brain: an apparatus with which we think we think.

“They say hard work never hurt anybody, but I figure why take the chance.” – Ronald Reagan

I like kids, but I don’t think I could eat a whole one.

When you get a bladder infection, urine trouble.

A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a train stops. On my desk I have a workstation...

That which cannot be taken apart will fall apart.

The more time you spend in reporting on what you are doing, the less time you have to do it in. Stability is achieved when you spend all your time doing nothing but reporting on the nothing you are doing.

On a tombstone: I TOLD YOU I WAS SICK

Early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.

I spent most of my money on booze, drugs and women... The rest I wasted!

A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat.

“Einstein argued that there must be simplified explanations of nature, because God is not capricious or arbitrary. No such faith comforts the software engineer.” — Fred Brooks.

I think, therefore I am single.

I’d like to see things your way, but I’m looking in another direction.

Outside a Hong Kong tailor shop: Ladies may have a fit upstairs.

Someone sent me a postcard picture of the earth. On the back it said, “Wish you were here.”

Life is complex: it has real and imaginary parts.

Does your train of thought have a caboose?

If you can’t beat your computer at chess, try kickboxing.

If I’d known I was going to live this long, I’d have taken better care of myself.

An Apple a day keeps the doctor away. But... an onion a day keeps everyone away.

There are three ways to get something done: do it yourself, hire someone, or forbid your kids to do it.

Not all men are annoying. Some are dead.

I had some words with my wife, and she had some paragraphs with me.

Don’t use a big word where a diminutive one will suffice.

Who is General Failure and why is he reading my hard disk?

If you don’t pay your exorcist you get repossessed.

Hemp is a herb. Bush is a dope.

The beatings will continue until morale improves.

IRS: We’ve got what it takes to take what you’ve got.

When in doubt, mumble.

Time sneaks up on you like a windshield on a bug.

Modesty is a virtue of fools.

“How can a president not be an actor?” – when asked “How could an actor become president?” – Ronald Reagan

I’m not into working out. My philosophy: No pain, no pain.

I thought I made a mistake once, but I was wrong.

Authority makes some people grow – and others just swell.

I live in my own little world, but it’s ok they know me here.

Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don’t.

Alcohol: the cause of, and solution to, all of life’s problems.

This guy walks into a bar and the barman says “Ouch, that must have hurt”

How did Moses make his tea? Hebrews it.

Age is an issue of mind over matter. If you don’t mind, it doesn’t matter.

If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?

I get enough exercise just pushing my luck.

If at first you do succeed, try to hide your astonishment.

Prediction is extremely difficult. Especially about the future.

This comment is printed on 100% recycled electrons.

I hope that after I die, people will say of me: “That guy sure owed me a lot of money.”

Why were the Indians here first? They had reservations.

I was the next door kid’s imaginary friend.

“Always be sincere, even when you don’t mean it”. — Irene Peter

Having more money doesn’t make you happier. I have 50 million dollars but I’m just as happy as when I had 48 million. ~ Arnold Schwarzenegger.

Killed - Personality Incompatibility

Pardon my driving, I am reloading.

“There are only two things that are infinite: the universe and human stupidity. And I’m not sure about the universe.” A. Einstein

Connection Reset By Aboriginal With Wire Cutters

Legend: a lie that has attained the dignity of age.

In elementary school, in case of fire, you have to line up quietly in a single file line from smallest to tallest. What is the logic? Do tall people burn slower?

If you try and don’t succeed, cheat. Repeat until caught. Then lie.

Blessed are those who can laugh at themselves, they will never cease to be amused.

How do you spot an Irishman at a carwash? He’s the one on the bike.

Even crime wouldn’t pay if the government ran it.

Where you stand depends on where you sit.

Help Wanted: Telepath. You know where to apply.

Is Disney World the only people trap operated by a mouse?

A bird does not sing because it has an answer—it sings because it has a song.

If con is the opposite of pro, congress is the opposite of progress.

Venison for dinner again? Oh deer!

Democracy is a process by which people are free to choose the man who will get the blame.

Only a fool is astonished by the foolishness of humankind.

Compromise: the art of dividing a cake so that everybody believes he or she got the biggest piece.

Take my advice, I don’t use it anyway.

Money can’t buy happiness, but it sure makes misery easier to live with.

It doesn’t matter what temperature the room is; it’s always room temperature.

e=mc^2 where m = the number of cooks required to spoil the broth

“If builders built buildings the way programmers write programs, then the first woodpecker that came along would destroy civilization” — Weinberg’s Second Law.

Someday we’ll look back on all this and plow into the back of a parked car.

When I was young, I could remember anything. Whether it happened or not.

It’s not hard to meet expenses, they’re everywhere.

I love work; it fascinates me; I can sit and watch it for hours.

It is a small world, but I wouldn’t like to have to paint it.

The things that come to those that wait may be the things left by those who got there first.

Being in the army is like being in the Boy Scouts, except that the Boy Scouts have adult supervision.

Streakers beware: Your end is in sight.

Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.

If someone with multiple personalities threatens suicide... is it considered a hostage situation?

Just because your head is the biggest doesn’t mean it contains the right ideas.

“This report, by its very length, defends itself against the risk of being read”. — Winston Churchill

A bargain is something you don’t need at a price you can’t resist.

Tip the world over on its side and everything loose will land in Los Angeles.

I Haven’t Lost My Mind, It’s Backed Up On Disk Somewhere.

Marriage changes passion... suddenly you’re in bed with a relative.

“The web is a dominatrix. Every where I turn, I see little buttons ordering me to Submit.” — Nytwind.

Good judgement comes from experience. Experience comes from bad judgement.

The secret of success is sincerity. Once you can fake that you’ve got it made.

No sense being pessimistic, it probably wouldn’t work anyway.

Well, this day was a total waste of makeup.

If you can’t convince them, confuse them.

“How come we choose from just two people to run for president and 50 for Miss America?”

You’ll never get to heaven if you’re scared of getting high.

I can resist everything except temptation.

Why is the third hand on the watch called a second hand?

England has no kidney bank, but it does have a Liverpool.

Youth is a wonderful thing. What a crime to waste it on children.

Most vegetarians look so much like the food they eat that they can be classified as cannibals.

Pick your friends but not to pieces.

To succeed in politics, it is often necessary to rise above your principles.

I’ve been trying for some time to develop a life style that doesn’t require my presence.

I have spent my whole life looking for the perfect woman, and now I’ve found her. Too bad she’s looking for the perfect man.

What hair color do they put on the driver’s licenses of bald men?

I thought I wanted a career, turns out I just wanted paychecks.

I couldn’t repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.

Anything not nailed down is mine. Anything I can pry loose is not nailed down.

Go the extra mile. It makes your boss look like an incompetent slacker.

I heard a man say that brigands demand your money or your life, whereas women require both.

A penny saved is a Congressional spending oversight.

Well if this is the wrong number, why did you answer it?

I don’t approve of political jokes... I’ve seen too many of them get elected.

Bigamy is having one wife too many. Monogamy is the same. – Oscar Wilde

Why do we wash bath towels, aren’t we clean when we use them?

I often quote myself; it adds spice to my conversation.

If sex is such a natural phenomenon, how come there are so many books on how to do it.

Acupuncture is a jab well done.

Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way when you criticize them, you are a mile away from them and you have their shoes.

I don’t have a solution but I admire the problem.

This Would Be Really Funny If It Weren’t Happening To Me.

Without question, the greatest invention in the history of mankind is beer. Oh, I grant you that the wheel was also a fine invention, but the wheel does not go nearly as well with pizza.

Booze is the answer. I don’t remember the question.

Cab drivers are living proof that practice does not make perfect.

You can say any foolish thing to a dog, and the dog will give you a look that says, “My God, you’re right! I never would’ve thought of that!”

Under capitalism, man exploits man. Under Communism, it’s just the opposite.

I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol.

I’m reading a book about anti-gravity. I can’t put it down.

A synonym is a word you use when you can’t spell the word you first thought of.

As a final incentive before giving up a difficult task, try to imagine it successfully accomplished by someone you violently dislike.

My one regret in life is that I am not someone else.

In the office of a Roman doctor: Specialist in women and other diseases.

A pessimist is a man who has been compelled to live with an optimist

Nothing means nothing, but it isn’t really nothing because nothing is something that isn’t.

When life hands you a lemon, make lemonade.

I always wanted to be a procrastinator, never got around to it though.

It’s bad luck to be superstitious.

If I were someone who knew something, who could I tell that would believe me?

We waste time, so you don’t have to.

Constipated People Don’t Give A Crap.

Better to remain silent and be thought a fool, than to speak and remove all doubt.

I’m sorry; you cannot have an outlook on life because it isn’t responding. Microsoft apologises for any inconvenience.

Haunted French pancakes give me the crêpes.

Whenever I feel like exercise, I lie down until the feeling passes.

Leftists are among the first to speak of their rights.

There is no such thing as an underestimate of average intelligence

Smith & Wesson — the original point and click interface.

In this world, nothing is certain but death and taxes. – Benjamin Franklin

I got a job at a bakery because I kneaded dough.

Best way to get a man to do something, is to suggest they are too old for it.

Velcro — what a rip off!

Needing someone is like needing a parachute. If he isn’t there the first time you need him, chances are you won’t be needing him again.

To find out a girl’s faults, praise her to her girl friends.

Bachelors have consciences, married men have wives.

The dictionary is the only place where success comes before work.

You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They left a little note on the windscreen, it said ‘Parking Fine.’

Advertisement for donkey rides in Thailand: Would you like to ride on your own ass?

Man who run in front of car get tired.

Vote for the man who promises least; he’ll be the least disappointing.

If it’s true that we are here to help others, then what exactly are the others here for?

Don’t take life too seriously—you’ll never get out of it alive.

Caution – Driver Legally Blonde!

Save the whales. Collect the whole set.

I don’t suffer from stress. I’m a carrier.

I have great faith in fools; my friends call it self-confidence.

I did a theatrical performance about puns. It was a play on words.

When you are arguing with an idiot, make sure the other person isn’t doing the same thing.

Men don’t care what’s on TV. They only care what else is on TV.

He’s so lazy. I’ve seen him step into a revolving door and wait.

Borrow money from pessimists- they don’t expect to get it back.

We’ve made great medical progress in the last generation. What used to be merely an itch is now an allergy.

There’s a difference between being open-minded and having a hole in your head

The early bird gets the worm, but the early worm gets eaten.

A cartoonist was found dead in his home. Details are sketchy.

Remember... Marriage is the number one cause of divorce. Statistically, 100% of all divorces started with marriage.

A bachelor is a man who comes to work from a different direction each morning.

It’s not that I’m afraid to die; I just don’t want to be there when it happens.

The trouble with the rat race is that even if you win, you’re still a rat.

An Irish man was driving to the airport when he saw a sign saying ‘Airport – Left’... So he went home.

I’m not afraid of heights, only widths.

Statistics are like bikinis – What they reveal is suggestive, but what they conceal is vital.

Heck is where people go who don’t believe in gosh.

I’m desperately trying to figure out why kamikaze pilots wore helmets.

If people concentrated on the really important things in life, there’d be a shortage of fishing poles.

Gossip: The art of saying nothing while leaving nothing unsaid.

“On two occasions I have been asked [by members of Parliament!]: ‘Pray, Mr. Babbage, if you put into the machine wrong figures, will the right answers come out ?’ I am not able rightly to apprehend the kind of confusion of ideas that could provoke such a question.” — Charles Babbage.

I had amnesia once or twice.

Mines are equal opportunity weapons.

I tried sniffing Coke once, but the ice cubes got stuck in my nose.

A person who smiles in the face of adversity... probably has a scapegoat.

What do you call a dinosaur with an extensive vocabulary? A thesaurus.

When in trouble, fear or doubt, run in circles, scream and shout.

Anyone can admit they were wrong; the true test is admitting it to someone else.

Solitude is fine, but you need someone to tell you that solitude is fine.

If at first you don’t succeed, try management.

Progress was all right. Only it went on too long.

Last night I lay in bed looking up at the stars in the sky and I thought to myself, “Where the heck is the ceiling?”

If you’re not confused, you’re not paying attention.

I used to think I was indecisive, but now I’m not sure.

If you don’t know why I’m mad at you, then I’m certainly not going to tell you

Isn’t having a smoking section in a restaurant like having a peeing section in a swimming pool?

A diplomatic husband said to his wife, how do you expect me to remember your birthday when you never look any older?

If you choke a smurf, what colour does it turn?

The world is full of willing people; some willing to work, the rest willing to let them.

I hate women because they always know where things are.

When you do not know what you are doing, do it neatly.

It’s not true that married men live longer than single men. It only seems longer.

Ours is a world where people don’t know what they want and are willing to go through hell to get it.

Man who run behind car get exhausted.

The trouble with jogging is that, by the time you realise you’re not in shape for it, it’s far too far to walk back.

My husband and I divorced over religious differences... He thought he was God and I didn’t.

Eagles may soar, but weasels don’t get sucked into jet engines.

Jack and Jill did it for the insurance.

Always do sober what you said you’d do drunk. That will teach you to keep your mouth shut.

I think animal testing is a terrible idea; they get all nervous and give the wrong answers.

I’m in no shape to exercise.

Applying computer technology is simply finding the right wrench to pound in the correct screw.

Snowmen fall from Heaven unassembled.

Horn broken. Watch for finger. (on bumper sticker)

When a clock is hungry, it goes back four seconds.

I changed my iPod’s name to Titanic. It’s syncing now.

Love is like an hourglass, with the heart filling up as the brain empties.

The man who fell into an upholstery machine is fully recovered.

By the time a man realises that his father was right, he has a son who thinks he’s wrong.

Man who eat many prunes get good run for money.

“This ‘telephone’ has too many shortcomings to be seriously considered as a means of communication.” — Western Union internal memo, 1876.

Politicians are people who, when they see the light at the end of the tunnel, go out and buy more tunnel.

You’re such an inspiration for the way I’ll never choose to be.

I have a simple philosophy. Fill what’s empty. Empty what’s full. Scratch where it itches.

What Has Four Legs And An Arm? A Happy Pit Bull.

If a man opens a car door for a woman, either the car is new or the woman.

The illegal we do immediately. The unconstitutional takes a little longer. – Henry Kissinger

My girlfriend told me I should be more affectionate. So I got two more girlfriends.

I used to find him boring until I stopped listening.

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Youth would be an ideal state if it came a little later in life.

Everybody is somebody else’s weirdo.

If all you have is a hammer, everything looks like a nail.

Make sure your mind isn’t so open that your brains fall out.

If the human brain were so simple that we could understand it, we would be so simple we couldn’t.

Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7th of your life.

Mental Floss prevents Moral Decay.

One good thing about repeating your mistakes is that you know when to cringe.

Outside of a dog, a book is probably man’s best friend, and inside of a dog, it’s too dark to read.

Errors have been made. Others will be blamed.

If At First You Don’t Succeed... Blame Someone Else And Seek Counseling.

“There are two major products that come out of Berkeley: LSD and UNIX. We don’t believe this to be a coincidence.” — Jeremy S. Anderson

Murphy’s Golden Rule: Whoever has the gold makes the rules.

One should forgive one’s enemies, but not before they are hanged.

Just because you’re not paranoid doesn’t mean they’re not out to get you.

The short fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.

On the keyboard of life, always keep one finger on the escape key.

Lead us not into temptation. Just tell us where it is; we’ll find it.

Blessed are the young, for they shall inherit the national debt.

Early to rise, early to bed, makes a man healthy but socially dead.

I used to be a Kleptomaniac, But now I’m taking something for it

How do I set a laser printer to stun?

Time is a great teacher, but unfortunately it kills all its pupils.

If it’s 0 degrees today and it’s going to be twice as cold tomorrow... how cold will it be?

Maybe I’m lucky to be going so slowly, because I may be going in the wrong direction.

It’s hard to face the problem, when the problem is your face.

There are very few personal problems that cannot be solved through a suitable application of high explosives.

When your IQ reaches 80 –– sell.

Foolproof systems don’t take into account the ingenuity of fools.

Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.

Red Tape Holds Up New Bridge!

In a Norwegian cocktail lounge: Ladies are requested not to have children in the bar.

Instead of getting married again, I’m going to find a woman I don’t like and just give her a house.—Rod Stewart

Macho Law prohibits me from admitting I’m wrong.

So Many Pedestrians – So Little Time.

“Life is a waste of time, time is a waste of life, so get wasted all of the time and have the time of your life”. — Tom Waits

“When you starve with a tiger, the tiger starves last”. — Griffin’s Thought

There are 10 types of people in the world: Those who understand binary, and those who don’t.

“Thinking is the hardest work there is, which is probably why so few engage in it”. — Henry Ford

All the toilets in New York’s police stations have been stolen. The police have nothing to go on.

Everything is possible; just not too probable.

I dropped out of communism class because of lousy Marx.

When all other means of communication fail, try words.

Once, during prohibition, I was forced to live for days on nothing but food and water.

There is nothing so annoying as to have two people go right on talking when you’re interrupting.

Am I getting smart with you? How would you know?

A soldier who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran.

All my life, I always wanted to be somebody. Now I see that I should have been more specific.

Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian any more than going to the garage makes you a car.

The chance of a piece of bread falling with the buttered side down is directly proportional to the cost of the carpet.

Sometimes I think the surest sign that intelligent life exists elsewhere in the universe is that none of it has tried to contact us.

It has recently been discovered that research causes cancer in rats.

To err is human – and to blame it on a computer is even more so.

Plan to be spontaneous tomorrow.

Fundamentalism: Believe in a kind, loving God or we’ll kill you!

“I have never let my schooling interfere with my education.”—Mark Twain

Englishmen never will be slaves: they are free to do whatever the Government and public opinion allow them to do.

There’s a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot.

Never put off until tomorrow what you can avoid altogether.

Always remember you’re unique, just like everyone else.

A drop of ink may make a million think.

Some people are alive only because it’s illegal to kill them.

Genius is 1% inspiration, and 99% perspiration.

We have two ends. One for sitting and one for thinking. Our success depends on which one we use most.

If life was fair, Elvis would be alive and all the impersonators would be dead.

Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.

I love being married. It’s so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.

I’d give my right arm to be ambidextrous.

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In a Rome laundry: Ladies, leave your clothes here and spend the afternoon having a good time.

“Are you going to come quietly, or do I have to use earplugs?”—Vale Spike Milligan

“Auntie Em: hate you, hate Kansas, taking the dog.” – Dorothy

Hang in there; retirement is only thirty years away.

If the world should blow itself up, the last audible voice would be that of an expert saying it can’t be done.

If you do not make dust, you eat dust.

Don’t use a big word where a diminutive one will suffice.

I love deadlines. I especially like the whooshing sound they make as they go flying by.

You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.

Time flies like an arrow – fruit flies like a banana.

“Blink your eyelids periodically to lubricate your eyes.” — Page 16 of the HP “Environmental, Health Safety Handbook for Employees”.

Every time I look at you I get a fierce desire to be lonesome.

I guess traffic in the city is improving a little. Yesterday, I drove clear across town and only had to shave twice.

One martini is all right, two is too many, and three is not enough.

This girl said she recognized me from the vegetarian club, but I’d never met herbivore

If a job is worth doing well get someone else to do it.

Well, if I called the wrong number, why did you answer the phone?

For people who like peace and quiet – a phoneless cord.

Honesty is the best policy, but insanity is a better defence.

Energizer Bunny arrested: Charged with battery.

Does this smell like chloroform to you?

Consciousness: that annoying time between naps.

He does the work of three men: Larry, Moe and Curly.

Procrastinate Now!

“If women didn’t exist, all the money in the world would have no meaning.” – Aristotle Onassis

Latest survey shows that 3 out of 4 people make up 75% of the world’s population.

A conscience does not prevent sin. It only prevents you from enjoying it.

Money is flat and meant to be piled up. – Scottish Proverb

I can please only one person per day. Today is not your day. Tomorrow isn’t looking good either.

How do you sink an Irish Submarine? Knock on the hatch.

When angry count four, when very angry, swear.

The number of people watching you is directly proportional to the stupidity of your action.

In democracy it’s your vote that counts. In feudalism it’s your count that votes.

If you’re born again, do you have two bellybuttons?

Broken pencils are pointless.

A conclusion is simply the place where you got tired of thinking.

“#define QUESTION ((bb) || !(bb))” — Shakespeare

Anything’s possible... apart from skiing through a revolving door.

Anything not nailed down is a cat toy.

Every morning is the dawn of a new error.

Insanity is hereditary; you can get it from your children.

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I started out with nothing, and I still have most of it.

A day without sun shine is like, you know, night.

It is said that if you line up all the cars in the world end to end, someone would be stupid enough to try and pass them.

Cheerfulness is contagious, but don’t wait to catch it from others. Be a carrier.

Life is far too important to be taken seriously.

Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?

Everybody lies, but it doesn’t matter since nobody listens.

“You start coding. I’ll go find out what they want.” — Computer analyst to programmer

If money talks, it ain’t on speakin’ terms with me.

Men’s faults are many, women have only two. Everything they say, and everything they do.

If you can’t dazzle them with brilliance... just baffle them with bullsh*t.

Bachelors know more about women than married men; if they didn’t they’d be married too.

“I worked in a pet shop and people kept asking how big I’d get” — Rodney Dangerfield

After all is said and done, more is said than done.

On the other hand you have different fingers.

“You can always count on Americans to do the right thing—after they’ve tried everything else” – Winston Churchill

A hangover is the wrath of grapes.

I’d explain it to you, but your brain would explode.

I intend to live forever – so far, so good.

My husband says I never listen to him (at least I think that’s what he said)

Eat a live toad first thing in the morning, and nothing worse can happen to you the rest of the day.

“Everyday I beat my own previous record for number of consecutive days I’ve stayed alive.”

If you don’t learn to laugh at troubles, you won’t have anything to laugh at when you grow old.

You’re not drunk if you can lie on the floor without holding on.

Half of being smart is knowing what you are dumb at.

I don’t like people who take drugs... Customs Officers for example.

From the moment I picked your book up until I laid it down I was convulsed with laughter. Some day I intend reading it.

Get a new car for your spouse – it’ll be a great trade!

It is wiser to find out than to suppose.—Mark Twain

The only difference between Genius and Insanity... is success.

Somewhere on this globe, every ten seconds, is a woman giving birth to a child. She must be found and stopped.

I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.

If you can stay calm, while all around you is chaos... then you probably haven’t completely understood the situation.

Life... I don’t get it...

Abel Tasman on discovering Tasmania, “Too far south for spices and too close to the rim of the earth to be inhabited by anything but freaks and monsters”

I like children. Properly cooked.

Promises are like babies: fun to make, but hell to deliver.

If you want a committed man, look in a mental hospital.

In a Budapest zoo: Please do not feed the animals. If you have any suitable food, give it to the guard on duty.

At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be “What is hell?” Come early and listen to our choir practice.

I tried to photograph the fog, but I mist.

“There is no reason anyone would want a computer in their home.” — Ken Olson, founder of Digital Equipment Corp., 1977.

People don’t grow up; they just learn how to act in public.

According to recent study someone is run over by a car every 5 minutes in the city. You’d think the guy would have enough sense to get out of the street.

How can you come out of a closet if you never went in there in the first place?

“A girl phoned me the other day and said... Come on over, there’s nobody home. I went over. Nobody was home” — Rodney Dangerfield

Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

Honk if you love peace and quiet.

Impotence: Nature’s Way Of Saying “No Hard Feelings”.

A committee is a body that keeps minutes and wastes hours.

Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying of nothing.

Keyboard not detected. Press F1 to continue

If the French were really intelligent, they’d speak English.

TEAMWORK... means never having to take all the blame yourself.

They say if you play a Microsoft CD backwards you hear satanic messages. That’s nothing, if you play it forwards it installs Windows.

I spilled spot remover on my dog. Now he’s gone.

Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.

“Heavier-than-air flying machines are impossible.” — Lord Kelvin, president, Royal Society, 1895.

Quantum: Noun, word used to sound like I know what I’m talking about while discussing physics I’ve never actually studied.

Everybody is ignorant, only on different subjects.

Support bacteria – they’re the only culture some people have.

My parents stayed together for forty years, but that was out of spite.

I want to die peacefully in my sleep like my grandfather, not screaming in abject horror like his passengers.

“I would like to live in Manchester, England. The transition between Manchester and death would be unnoticeable”. — Mark Twain

The doctor can bury his mistakes but an architect can only advise his client to plant vines.

Some people say that I must be a horrible person, but that’s not true. I have the heart of a young boy – in a jar on my desk.

The second day of a diet is alway easier than the first. By the second day, you’re off it.

Arguing on the Internet is like competing in the Special Olympics – even if you win, you are still retarded.

Jokes about German sausage are the wurst.

The shortest distance between two points is under construction.

Anyone who told you to be yourself couldn’t have given you worse advice.

They told me I had type A blood, but it was a Type O

Computers make it easy to do a lot of things, but most of the things that make it easier to do don’t need to be done.

“Every mighty oak was once just a nut who stood his ground.”

I’m an apathetic sociopath – I’d kill you if I cared.

Men have a much better time of it than women; for one thing, they marry later; for another thing they die earlier.

I’m quite easy to get along with, once you learn to beckon at my every call and yield to all my desires.

Some people are alive only because it’s illegal to kill them.

“Oh dear,” said God, “I hadn’t thought of that,” and promptly vanished in a puff of logic.

I’m out of my mind, but feel free to leave a message.

I envy people who drink – at least they know what to blame everything on.

Age is a very high price to pay for maturity.

Eagles may soar, but weasels don’t get sucked into jet engines.

When Chemists die, they barium.

Experience is simply the name we give our mistakes.

One of the greatest labour-saving inventions today is tomorrow.

Marriage is a three-ring circus: engagement ring, wedding ring, and suffering.

If it weren’t for electricity we’d all be watching television by candlelight?

Don’t be irreplaceable; if you cannot be replaced, you cannot be promoted.

If a woman has to choose between catching a fly ball and saving an infant’s life, she will choose to save the infant’s life without even considering if there is a man on base.—Dave Barry

“Few things are harder to put up with than a good example.”—Mark Twain

A dyslexic man walks into a bra.

Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy.

Democracy is a government where you can say what you think even if you don’t think.

Tips for Vegetarians: Hit a chicken enough times and it turns into a vegetable.

My reality check just bounced.

The sooner you fall behind the more time you’ll have to catch up.

Don’t stop to stomp on ants when the elephants are stampeding.

God must love stupid people, he made so many.

The truth is a precious commodity. That’s why I use it so sparingly.

Lots of people know a good thing the minute the other fellow sees it first.

I have the body of a GOD – Buddha.

Did you hear about the cross-eyed teacher who lost her job because she couldn’t control her pupils?

Never underestimate the power of very stupid people in large groups.

In the beginning, God created earth and rested. Then God created man and rested. Then God created woman. Since then, neither God nor man has rested.

I married my wife for her looks... but not the ones she’s been giving me lately!

If everything is coming your way, you are probably in the wrong lane.

It is hard to understand how a cemetery raised its burial charges and blamed it on the cost of living.

“I think there is a world market for maybe five computers.” — Thomas Watson, chairman of IBM, 1943.

The scientific theory I like best is that the rings of Saturn are composed entirely of lost airline luggage.

If puns were outlawed, only outlaws would have puns.

Love is blind, but marriage is a real eye-opener.

Don’t marry for money. You can borrow it cheaper.

If I were two-faced, would I be wearing this one?

Nick Overruled - Democratic Majority Decision

Why don’t you ever see the headline “Psychic Wins Lottery”?

My life has a superb cast but I can’t figure out the plot.

It’s important to be open-minded, but not SO open-minded that your brains fall out.

This mind intentionally left blank

To define recursion, we must first define recursion.

We spend the first twelve months of our children’s lives teaching them to walk and talk and the next twelve telling them to sit down and shut up.

I don’t believe in astrology. I am a Sagittarius and we’re very skeptical. ~ Arthur C. Clarke

Marriage is not a word; it is a sentence.

Time’s fun when you’re having flies... Kermit the Frog

“Banking establishments are more dangerous than standing armies”. — Thomas Jefferson

If trees could scream, would we be so cavalier about cutting them down? We might, if they screamed all the time, for no good reason.

No problem is so big and complicated that it can’t be ran away from.

Why is it called tourist season if we can’t shoot at them?

He who smiles in a crisis has found someone to blame.

Being single is like a vacuum. It sucks when you are turned on.

If at first you don’t succeed, try, try again. Then quit. There’s no use being a damned fool about it.

If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?

The sooner you fall behind the more time you’ll have to catch up.

It used to be only death and taxes were inevitable. Now, of course, there’s shipping and handling, too.

Accept that some days you’re the pigeon, and some days you’re the statue.

Roses are red, Violets are blue. In Soviet Russia, Poems write you.

There are 3 kinds of people: those who can count and those who can’t.

Succeed in spite of management. Aim Low; Reach Your Goals, Avoid Disappointment.

Never go to a doctor whose office plants have died.

My favorite mythical creature? The honest politician.

If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?

Why is it that doctors call what they do “practice”?

Marathon runners with bad footwear suffer the agony of defeat.

You look like a million dollars. All green and wrinkled.

Men occasionally stumble over the truth, but most of them pick themselves up and hurry off as if nothing had happened. – Winston Churchill

If olive oil comes from olives, where does baby oil come from?

It is even harder for the average ape to believe that he has descended from man.

Ninety-nine per cent of the people in the world are fools and the rest of us are in great danger of contagion.

Even paranoids have real enemies.

Cluster bombing from B-52s is very, very accurate – the bombs always hit the ground.

If it weren’t for the last minute, nothing would ever get done.

Any ship can be a minesweeper... once.

Anything that can become tangled around something else, will.

Moderation in all things, including moderation.

A clean tie attracts the soup of the day.

Birthdays are good for you. Statistics show that the people who have the most live the longest.

The human brain is a wonderful thing. It starts working the moment you are born, and never stops until you stand up to speak in public.

Sheep don’t fly so much as plummet.

It is not what a teenager knows that bothers his parents. It is how he found out.

If we aren’t supposed to eat animals, why are they made of meat?

Partying... oops No Only Parting... sorry

I took an IQ test and the results were negative.

The light at the end of the tunnel has been turned off due to budget cuts.

Warning: Dates in Calendar are closer than they appear.

It’s strange, isn’t it. You stand in the middle of a library and go aaaaagghhhh’ and everyone just stares at you. But you do the same thing on an aeroplane, and everyone joins in.

Everybody has a photographic memory. Some don’t have film.

Military intelligence is a contradiction in terms.

There are two kinds of people, those who finish what they start, and so on.

A procrastinator’s work is never done.

An egotist has one point in his favour – he doesn’t go round talking about other people.

I don’t suffer from stress. I’m a carrier.

Before you give a colleague a piece of your mind, be sure you can spare it.

Comedy is tragedy plus time.

My schoolmates would make love to anything that moved, but I never saw any reason to limit myself.

If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?

I fear my inferiority complex is not as good as yours.

Plagiarism saves time.

If you can’t convince them, confuse them.

The dumber people think you are, the more surprised they’re going to be when you kill them—Rodney Dangerfield

He often broke into song because he couldn’t find the key.

“My computer NEVER loc

Artificial Intelligence is no match for Natural Stupidity.

I am amazed at radio DJ’s today. I am firmly convinced that AM on my radio stands for Absolute Moron. I will not begin to tell you what FM stands for.

What does a clock do when it’s hungry? It goes back four seconds.

Is there life before death?

Stupidity is not a handicap! Park somewhere else!

“Managing senior programmers is like herding cats” — Dave Platt.

“Always in motion the future is. Seasick it makes me. That’s why so green I am”. – Yoda

People who think they know everything are annoying to those of us who do.

I work hard because millions on welfare depend on me.

Remember half the people you know are below average.

If we learn by our mistakes, some of us are getting one hell of an education!

Never argue with an idiot. They drag you down to their level then beat you with experience.

I’ve always wanted to be normal, but lately I’ve come to suspect that this is it.

In a Copenhagen airline ticket office: We take your bags and send them in all directions.

Men are from earth. Women are from earth. Deal with it.

I wonder how much deeper would the ocean be without sponges.

If vegetable oil comes from vegetables, where does baby oil come from?

“Things are more like they are now than they ever were before.” – Former U.S. President Dwight D. Eisenhower

Doctor, Doctor I keep getting pains in the eye when I drink coffee. Have you tried taking the spoon out?

Laughing stock: cattle with a sense of humour.

Be kind to your dentist. He has fillings, too.

Friends may come and go, but enemies accumulate

Climbers aim for the summit because it is there. Bungi jumpers dive off the top because they aren’t all there.

One good turn gets most of the blankets.

The trouble with our times is that the future is not what it used to be.

“He has been given a large brain by mistake, since for him the spinal cord would fully suffice.” — Albert Einstein

Jokes about German sausage are the wurst.

I have had more trouble with myself than with any other man I’ve met.

PMS jokes aren’t funny. Period.

Programmer – A red-eyed, mumbling mammal capable of conversing with inanimate objects.

How do you know if a fish is Irish? It has drowned.

Success always occurs in private, and failure in full public view.

“I’ve noticed that everyone who is for abortion has already been born.” – Ronald Reagan

Some people are going to leave a mark on this world, while others will leave a stain.

Seeing a murder on television...will help work off one’s antagonisms. And if you haven’t any antagonisms, the commercials will give you some.

I stayed up all night to see where the sun went. Then it dawned on me.

If automobiles had followed the same development cycle as the computer, a Rolls Royce would today cost $100, get a million miles per gallon, and explode once a year, killing everyone inside.

If you want your spouse to listen and pay strict attention to every word you say, talk in your sleep.

Proofread carefully to see if you any words out.

“Then he ran into my knife. He ran into my knife ten times.” – Chicago

Confidence is the feeling you have before you understand the situation

Anger is only one letter away from danger.

Show me a piano falling down a mineshaft and I’ll show you A-flat minor.

I haven’t spoken to my wife for 18 months: I don’t like to interrupt her.

A great many people think they are thinking when they are merely rearranging their prejudices.

“When in doubt tell the truth.”—Mark Twain

Sheep don’t fly so much as plummet.

The amount of work to be done increases in proportion to the amount of work already completed. — VAIL’S SECOND AXIOM

What’s another word for Thesaurus?

“You, you and you: panic. The rest of you, come with me.”

Man who drive like hell bound to get there.

Conscience is the inner voice warning us that someone may be looking.

Never buy a car you can’t push.

There are only three kinds of people; people who can count and people who can’t.

Don’t talk unless you can improve the silence.

The fellow who thinks he knows it all is especially annoying to those of us who do.

Don’t Be Sexist – Broads Hate That.

Everybody is ignorant, only on different subjects.

A team effort is a lot of people doing what I say

When I was a boy I was told that anybody could become president; I’m beginning to believe it.

Sometimes I wake up grumpy; other times I let her sleep

A guy got arrested for playing the guitar. He was fingering a minor.

“C++ : Where friends have access to your private members.” — Gavin Russell Baker.

Of course, we are all worms—but I like to think, at least, that I am a glow-worm. – Winston Churchill

Be careful when reading health books; you may die of a misprint.

I Refuse To Have A Battle Of Wits With An Unarmed Person.

I wished the buck stopped here, as I could use a few.

Eschew obfuscation.

“A patriot must always be ready to defend his country against his government”. — Edward Abbey

If you don’t know where you are going, you will wind up somewhere else.

I majored in liberal arts. Will that be for here or to go?

Perhaps you’re diagonally parked in a parallel universe?

How do you keep an Irishman busy? Write P.T.O on both sides of a piece of paper.

It’s just a job. Grass grows, birds fly, waves pound the sand. I just beat people up. – Muhammad Ali

I installed a skylight in my apartment. The people who live above me are furious.

“If carrots are so good for the eyes, how come I see so many dead rabbits on the highway?”

I don’t meet competition. I crush it

I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.

Laugh at your problems; everybody else does.

“I am not worried about the deficit. It is big enough to take care of itself.” – Ronald Reagan

Nobody can be exactly like me. Even I have trouble doing it.

My mind works like lightning. One brilliant flash and it is gone.

“War does not determine who is right - only who is left.” – Bertrand Russell

Five out of four people have trouble with fractions.

I’m not dumb; I just have a command of thoroughly useless information.

“The best thing about the future is that it comes only one day at a time.” – Abraham Lincoln

AIBOHPHOBIA – the fear of palindromes.

I generally avoid temptation unless I can’t resist it.

Next time you wave, use all your fingers.

Everyone needs belief in something. I believe I’ll have another beer.

On the plus side, death is one of the few things that can be done just as easily as lying down.

A backwards poet writes inverse.

99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.

I married Miss Right. I just didn’t know her first name was Always.

Doctor, Doctor You’ve got to help me – I just can’t stop my hands shaking. Do you drink a lot? Not really – I spill most of it!

Lord, if you won’t make me skinny, please make all my friends fat.

We are going on a field trip to the Coca-Cola factory. I hope there are no pop quizzes.

At the age of six I wanted to be a cook. At seven I wanted to be Napoleon. And my ambition has been growing steadily ever since.

“I’d rather have a bottle in front of me, than a frontal lobotomy”. — Tom Waits

I either want less corruption, or more chance to participate in it.

A bird in the hand is safer than one overhead.

I stayed up all night to see where the sun went. Then it dawned on me.

Seen it all, done it all, can’t remember most of it.

Years ago fairy tales began with “Once upon a time...” Now it’s “If I am elected...”

I don’t have an attitude problem. You have a perception problem.

I used to think I was indecisive, but now I’m not sure.

Remember, half the people you know are below average.

What happens if you get scared half to death twice?

I think that’s how Chicago got started. A bunch of people in New York said, “Gee, I’m enjoying the crime and the poverty, but it just isn’t cold enough. Let’s go west.”—Richard Jeni

Just remember... if the world didn’t suck, we’d all fall off.

Technology is a way of organizing the universe so that man doesn’t have to experience it.

The best computer is a man, and it’s the only one that can be mass-produced by unskilled labour.

Hypochondria is the only disease I haven’t got.

Shin: a device for finding furniture in the dark.

The only reason some people get lost in thought is because it’s unfamiliar territory.

I don’t necessarily agree with everything I say.

The art of flying is to throw yourself at the ground and miss.

If Bill Gates had a nickel for every time Windows crashed... oh wait, he does.

Shin: a device for finding furniture in the dark.

Tell me what you need, and I’ll tell you how to get along without it.

I was at a bar nursing a beer. My nipple was getting quite soggy.

Man does not live by words alone, despite the fact that sometimes he has to eat them.

I took a speed reading course and read ‘War and Peace’ in twenty minutes. It involves Russia. Enough women for four.

Bacteria: the only culture some people have.

What’s the definition of a will? (It’s a dead giveaway).

To B or not to B? *kills the B* I HATE BEES!!!! – LynxofCP

The surprising thing about young fools is how many survive to become old fools.

I don’t want to achieve immortality through my work. I want to achieve immortality through not dying.

Whenever there is any doubt, there is no doubt.

Make three correct guesses consecutively and you will establish yourself as an expert.

In the beginning, there was nothing. Then God said, “Let there be light,” and there was still nothing, but you could see it.

How Many Roads Must A Man Travel Down Before He Admits He Is Lost?

Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?

“I believe in equality for everyone, except reporters and photographers”. — Gandhi

Get even – live long enough to be a problem to your kids.

111,111,111 x 111,111,111 = 12,345,678,987,654,321

Mind like a steel trap – rusty and illegal in most states.

Raising teenagers is like trying to nail Jell-O to a tree.

I take everything I can for my kleptomania.

People with narrow minds usually have broad tongues.

Why is the man that invests your money called a broker?

Two strings walk into a bar. The first string says to the bartender, “Bartender, I’ll have a beer. u.5n$x5t?*&4ru!2[sACCErJ”. The second string says, “Pardon my friend, he isn’t NULL terminated”.

Confidence is the feeling you have before you understand the situation.

If at first you don’t succeed, destroy all the evidence that you tried.

It is not my interest to pay the principal, nor my principal to pay the interest.

If quizzes are quizzical, what are tests?

Any task worth doing was worth doing yesterday.

Why does Sea World have a seafood restaurant? I’m halfway through my fish burger and I realize, Oh my gosh... I could be eating a slow learner.

I don’t enjoy computer jokes; not one bit.

A baby sitter is a teenager acting like an adult while the adults are out acting like teenagers.

Half of the people in the world are below average.

“Hey, I’ve got reasons for what I’m doing,” REALLY MEANS, “I sure hope I think of some pretty soon.”

You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say will be misquoted then used against you.

I am obviously right, and as you disagree with me, then logically you must be wrong.

Before marriage, a man yearns for the woman he loves. After marriage, the ‘Y’ becomes silent.

Chipped dishes never break.

Be thankful for problems. If they were less difficult, someone with less ability might have your job.

Everyone hates me because I’m paranoid.

For Sale: Parachute. Only used once, never opened, small stain.

When he first ran for office, he appealed to the voters: “I never stole anything in my life. All I ask is a chance.”

There are two types of people in this world, good and bad. The good sleep better, but the bad seem to enjoy the waking hours much more.

“My wife made me join a bridge club. I jump off next Tuesday” — Rodney Dangerfield

You can always spot a well-informed man – his views are the same as yours.

He’s not dead, he’s electroencephalographically challenged.

Bacteria: the only culture some people have.

“Inconceivable!” “I do not think that word means what you think it means.”

Humour. It is a difficult concept. It is not logical.

INDECISION is the key to FLEXIBILITY.

Whenever people agree with me, I always feel I must be wrong.

Brilliant, but with the social skills of a thermonuclear device.

I love cats – they taste just like chicken.

Age is a question of mind over matter. If you don’t mind, it don’t matter.

I used up all my sick days, so I’m calling in dead.

Connection Reset - Insufficient Electrons

Why is it that to stop Windows, you have to click on “Start”?

One day I will get this peer guy and reset his connection.

I used to be apathetic, but now I don’t give a damn.

A printer consists of three main parts: the case, the jammed paper tray and the blinking red light

Experience is something you do not get until just after you need it.

“I’ve been on a calendar but I have never been on time” – Marilyn Monroe

Women like silent men. They think they’re listening.

Never put both feet in your mouth at the same time, because then you don’t have a leg to stand on.

“You have to be careful about being too careful” – Beryl Pfizer

If at first you don’t succeed, skydiving is not your sport.

“The object of war is not to die for your country but to make the other bastard die for his.” – General George Patton

The difference between a stepping-stone and a stumbling block can be when you see it.

What do you call a dinosaur with an extensive vocabulary? A thesaurus.

I know a guy who is addicted to brake fluid. He says he can stop anytime.

Knowledge is the key, but where is the damn lock?

If you can’t be kind, at least have the decency to be vague.

When I’m not in my right mind, my left mind gets pretty crowded

If you don’t know where you are going, you might wind up someplace else.

I used to be a banker, but then I lost interest.

“I wish everyone was peaceful. Then I could take over the planet with a butter knife”—Dogbert

Stupidity is not a handicap. Park elsewhere!

If I have to work for an idiot, I might as well work for myself.

Wine divulges truth.

We must believe in free will, we have no choice.

There are two kinds of people, those who finish what they start, and so on.

I’m an idealist: I don’t know where I’m going, but I’m on my way.

I plead contemporary insanity.

A poor excuse is like an old bucket; doesn’t matter what shape it is in, as long as it holds water.

I am free of all prejudices. I hate everyone equally.

Optimists believe we live on the greatest world. Pessimists believe this is true.

What sane person could live in this world and not be crazy?

Don’t look back. Something may be gaining on you.

“The generation of random numbers is too important to be left to chance.” — Robert R. Coveyou, Oak Ridge National Laboratory.

Allow me to introduce my selves.

As the light changed from red to green to yellow and back to red again, I sat there thinking about life. Was it nothing more than a bunch of honking and yelling? Sometimes it seemed that way.

Sex on television can’t hurt you unless you fall off.

Some pain is physical, and some is mental, but one that’s both is dental.

“I could tell that my parents hated me. My bath toys were a toaster and a radio” — Rodney Dangerfield

I wondered why the baseball was getting bigger. Then it hit me.

Democracy is the recurrent suspicion that more than half of the people are right more than half of the time.

If you’re not wasted, the day is.

My mind not only wanders, sometimes it leaves completely.

In a Tokyo shop: Our nylons cost more than common, but you’ll find they are best in the long run.

People can be divided into three groups: Those who make things happen, those who watch things happen, and those who wonder what happened.

He who laughs last thinks slowest.

Work expands to fill the time available. — PARKINSON’S LAW

You have to stay in shape. My grandmother, she started walking five miles a day when she was 60. She’s 97 today and we don’t know where the hell she is.

“Your mouse has moved. Windows must be restarted for the change to take effect. Reboot now ? [OK]”

It is hard enough to remember my opinions, without also remembering my reasons for them!

Cheer up, the worst is yet to come.

Living is not worth dying for.

The earthquake in Washington obviously was the government’s fault.

Remember the teakettle; though up to its neck in hot water, it continues to sing.

All men are equal. Some are just more equal than others.

Be nice to your kids. They’ll choose your nursing home.

Anywhere is walking distance, if you’ve got the time.

History will be kind to me for I intend to write it. – Winston Churchill

If a President doesn’t do it to his wife, he’ll do it to his country.

“I have left orders to be awakened at any time in case of national emergency – even if I’m in a Cabinet meeting.” – Ronald Reagan

“People who drink light beer don’t like the taste of beer; they just like to pee a lot” — Rodney Dangerfield

Where there’s a will, I want to be in it.

Two signs from a Majorcan shop entrance: English well speaking / Here speeching American.

Madness takes its toll. Please have exact change.

I always wanted to be somebody, but I should have been more specific.

I have gone to look for myself, if I should return before I get back, keep me here.

“As a matter of fact” is an expression that precedes many an expression that isn’t.

Honest criticism is hard to take, particularly from a relative, a friend, an acquaintance, or a stranger.

I have kleptomania, but when it gets bad, I take something for it. ~ Robert Benchle

Chaos, panic, & disorder – my work here is done.

They say you only use ten percent of your brain. What about the other ten?

I laugh in the face of danger, except if I’m involved.

I didn’t like my beard at first. Then it grew on me.

Time is God’s way of keeping everything from happening at once.

It is a fitting irony that under Richard Nixon, ‘launder’ became a dirty word.

A dog that attends a flea circus most likely will steal the whole show.

I like to start my periods with sentences.

If you think nobody cares if you’re alive, try missing a couple of car payments.

Age always corresponds inversely to the size of your multivitamin.

I am a nobody, nobody is perfect, therefore I’m perfect.

You have the right to your opinions. I just don’t want to hear them.

The trouble with life is there’s no background music.

Everything you like is bad for you in some way.

The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.

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