Amusing Quotes & One-Liners — Ned Martin’s Amused

Amusing Quotes & One-Liners

A bachelor is a man who comes to work from a different direction each morning.

Eagles may soar, but weasels don’t get sucked into jet engines.

Everything you like is bad for you in some way.

Whenever people agree with me, I always feel I must be wrong.

I used to be a Kleptomaniac, But now I’m taking something for it

Every morning is the dawn of a new error.

Make three correct guesses consecutively and you will establish yourself as an expert.

Nothing means nothing, but it isn’t really nothing because nothing is something that isn’t.

It’s important to be open-minded, but not SO open-minded that your brains fall out.

Hemp is a herb. Bush is a dope.

I am a nobody, nobody is perfect, therefore I’m perfect.

I get enough exercise just pushing my luck.

“My wife made me join a bridge club. I jump off next Tuesday” — Rodney Dangerfield

My mind not only wanders, sometimes it leaves completely.

A committee is a body that keeps minutes and wastes hours.

Bacteria: the only culture some people have.

Life is complex: it has real and imaginary parts.

Next time you wave, use all your fingers.

You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.

Best way to get a man to do something, is to suggest they are too old for it.

I love deadlines. I especially like the whooshing sound they make as they go flying by.

Why do we wash bath towels, aren’t we clean when we use them?

If it’s 0 degrees today and it’s going to be twice as cold tomorrow... how cold will it be?

In democracy it’s your vote that counts. In feudalism it’s your count that votes.

“There is no reason anyone would want a computer in their home.” — Ken Olson, founder of Digital Equipment Corp., 1977.

I married Miss Right. I just didn’t know her first name was Always.

To find out a girl’s faults, praise her to her girl friends.

It’s not hard to meet expenses, they’re everywhere.

I always wanted to be somebody, but I should have been more specific.

Anything that can become tangled around something else, will.

A procrastinator’s work is never done.

Why is it that to stop Windows, you have to click on “Start”?

Gossip: The art of saying nothing while leaving nothing unsaid.

The truth is a precious commodity. That’s why I use it so sparingly.

You can’t have everything. Where would you put it?

If at first you don’t succeed, try management.

I used to think I was indecisive, but now I’m not sure.

Be careful when reading health books; you may die of a misprint.

I always wanted to be a procrastinator, never got around to it though.

What’s another word for Thesaurus?

“I would like to live in Manchester, England. The transition between Manchester and death would be unnoticeable”. — Mark Twain

If automobiles had followed the same development cycle as the computer, a Rolls Royce would today cost $100, get a million miles per gallon, and explode once a year, killing everyone inside.

It is wiser to find out than to suppose.—Mark Twain

If quizzes are quizzical, what are tests?

“I have left orders to be awakened at any time in case of national emergency – even if I’m in a Cabinet meeting.” – Ronald Reagan

Humour. It is a difficult concept. It is not logical.

If everything is coming your way, you are probably in the wrong lane.

I fear my inferiority complex is not as good as yours.

The scientific theory I like best is that the rings of Saturn are composed entirely of lost airline luggage.

On a tombstone: I TOLD YOU I WAS SICK

To define recursion, we must first define recursion.

I am free of all prejudices. I hate everyone equally.

In a Budapest zoo: Please do not feed the animals. If you have any suitable food, give it to the guard on duty.

If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?

Streakers beware: Your end is in sight.

I have great faith in fools; my friends call it self-confidence.

If we aren’t supposed to eat animals, why are they made of meat?

When a clock is hungry, it goes back four seconds.

According to recent study someone is run over by a car every 5 minutes in the city. You’d think the guy would have enough sense to get out of the street.

Ours is a world where people don’t know what they want and are willing to go through hell to get it.

I guess traffic in the city is improving a little. Yesterday, I drove clear across town and only had to shave twice.

Well if this is the wrong number, why did you answer it?

Legend: a lie that has attained the dignity of age.

“Few things are harder to put up with than a good example.”—Mark Twain

Partying... oops No Only Parting... sorry

A conscience does not prevent sin. It only prevents you from enjoying it.

Man who eat many prunes get good run for money.

Be thankful for problems. If they were less difficult, someone with less ability might have your job.

If a President doesn’t do it to his wife, he’ll do it to his country.

99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.

“When in doubt tell the truth.”—Mark Twain

Once, during prohibition, I was forced to live for days on nothing but food and water.

Everything is possible; just not too probable.

Don’t Be Sexist – Broads Hate That.

If the world should blow itself up, the last audible voice would be that of an expert saying it can’t be done.

What hair color do they put on the driver’s licenses of bald men?

I am not a vegetarian because I love animals; I am a vegetarian because I hate plants.

Man does not live by words alone, despite the fact that sometimes he has to eat them.

You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They left a little note on the windscreen, it said ‘Parking Fine.’

Anything’s possible... apart from skiing through a revolving door.

It’s bad luck to be superstitious.

This mind intentionally left blank

Mines are equal opportunity weapons.

They say if you play a Microsoft CD backwards you hear satanic messages. That’s nothing, if you play it forwards it installs Windows.

Just because your head is the biggest doesn’t mean it contains the right ideas.

When you come to a fork in the road, take it.

111,111,111 x 111,111,111 = 12,345,678,987,654,321

It is not what a teenager knows that bothers his parents. It is how he found out.

Solitude is fine, but you need someone to tell you that solitude is fine.

In a Copenhagen airline ticket office: We take your bags and send them in all directions.

Outside of a dog, a book is probably man’s best friend, and inside of a dog, it’s too dark to read.

Englishmen never will be slaves: they are free to do whatever the Government and public opinion allow them to do.

The short fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.

I don’t enjoy computer jokes; not one bit.

It is a fitting irony that under Richard Nixon, ‘launder’ became a dirty word.

Bachelors know more about women than married men; if they didn’t they’d be married too.

Bigamy is having one wife too many. Monogamy is the same. – Oscar Wilde

When I was young, I could remember anything. Whether it happened or not.

Any task worth doing was worth doing yesterday.

I’m sorry; you cannot have an outlook on life because it isn’t responding. Microsoft apologises for any inconvenience.

An egotist has one point in his favour – he doesn’t go round talking about other people.

When I’m not in my right mind, my left mind gets pretty crowded

Love is blind, but marriage is a real eye-opener.

The amount of work to be done increases in proportion to the amount of work already completed. — VAIL’S SECOND AXIOM

I married my wife for her looks... but not the ones she’s been giving me lately!

Someday we’ll look back on all this and plow into the back of a parked car.

An Apple a day keeps the doctor away. But... an onion a day keeps everyone away.

Democracy is the recurrent suspicion that more than half of the people are right more than half of the time.

Constipated People Don’t Give A Crap.

Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.

“If women didn’t exist, all the money in the world would have no meaning.” – Aristotle Onassis

“There are two major products that come out of Berkeley: LSD and UNIX. We don’t believe this to be a coincidence.” — Jeremy S. Anderson

I was at a bar nursing a beer. My nipple was getting quite soggy.

If ever I get married again it would have to be under an anaesthetic.

Two signs from a Majorcan shop entrance: English well speaking / Here speeching American.

Advertisement for donkey rides in Thailand: Would you like to ride on your own ass?

Moderation in all things, including moderation.

He who smiles in a crisis has found someone to blame.

A great many people think they are thinking when they are merely rearranging their prejudices.

Borrow money from pessimists- they don’t expect to get it back.

If At First You Don’t Succeed... Blame Someone Else And Seek Counseling.

Just remember... if the world didn’t suck, we’d all fall off.

If you want your spouse to listen and pay strict attention to every word you say, talk in your sleep.

All the toilets in New York’s police stations have been stolen. The police have nothing to go on.

“My computer NEVER loc

Everybody is somebody else’s weirdo.

Always do sober what you said you’d do drunk. That will teach you to keep your mouth shut.

He often broke into song because he couldn’t find the key.

System Error - Windows Loaded

Someone sent me a postcard picture of the earth. On the back it said, “Wish you were here.”

Restarting System - Mouse Moved

If at first you don’t succeed, skydiving is not your sport.

Why is the man that invests your money called a broker?

I changed my iPod’s name to Titanic. It’s syncing now.

Killed - Personality Incompatibility

Help Wanted: Telepath. You know where to apply.

History will be kind to me for I intend to write it. – Winston Churchill

I couldn’t repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.

Early to rise, early to bed, makes a man healthy but socially dead.

That which cannot be taken apart will fall apart.

Before you give a colleague a piece of your mind, be sure you can spare it.

Venison for dinner again? Oh deer!

When angry count four, when very angry, swear.

I stayed up all night to see where the sun went. Then it dawned on me.

How Many Roads Must A Man Travel Down Before He Admits He Is Lost?

When I was a boy I was told that anybody could become president; I’m beginning to believe it.

If someone with multiple personalities threatens suicide... is it considered a hostage situation?

PMS jokes aren’t funny. Period.

“Always in motion the future is. Seasick it makes me. That’s why so green I am”. – Yoda

The trouble with the rat race is that even if you win, you’re still a rat.

When in trouble, fear or doubt, run in circles, scream and shout.

Applying computer technology is simply finding the right wrench to pound in the correct screw.

This comment is printed on 100% recycled electrons.

What do you call a dinosaur with an extensive vocabulary? A thesaurus.

Hypochondria is the only disease I haven’t got.

If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?

There’s a fine line between genius and insanity. I have erased this line.

Abel Tasman on discovering Tasmania, “Too far south for spices and too close to the rim of the earth to be inhabited by anything but freaks and monsters”

Early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.

Some pain is physical, and some is mental, but one that’s both is dental.

Am I getting smart with you? How would you know?

The illegal we do immediately. The unconstitutional takes a little longer. – Henry Kissinger

A bargain is something you don’t need at a price you can’t resist.

“Your mouse has moved. Windows must be restarted for the change to take effect. Reboot now ? [OK]”

Horn broken. Watch for finger. (on bumper sticker)

I generally avoid temptation unless I can’t resist it.

Why is it called tourist season if we can’t shoot at them?

Cheerfulness is contagious, but don’t wait to catch it from others. Be a carrier.

“Managing senior programmers is like herding cats” — Dave Platt.

Don’t use a big word where a diminutive one will suffice.

Why don’t you ever see the headline “Psychic Wins Lottery”?

At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be “What is hell?” Come early and listen to our choir practice.

“I could tell that my parents hated me. My bath toys were a toaster and a radio” — Rodney Dangerfield

Modesty is a virtue of fools.

In this world, nothing is certain but death and taxes. – Benjamin Franklin

I’m not into working out. My philosophy: No pain, no pain.

The doctor can bury his mistakes but an architect can only advise his client to plant vines.

We must believe in free will, we have no choice.

How can you come out of a closet if you never went in there in the first place?

Prediction is extremely difficult. Especially about the future.

Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don’t.

Alcohol: the cause of, and solution to, all of life’s problems.

If trees could scream, would we be so cavalier about cutting them down? We might, if they screamed all the time, for no good reason.

One good thing about repeating your mistakes is that you know when to cringe.

People can be divided into three groups: Those who make things happen, those who watch things happen, and those who wonder what happened.

Be nice to your kids. They’ll choose your nursing home.

If you can’t dazzle them with brilliance... just baffle them with bullsh*t.

One day I will get this peer guy and reset his connection.

When you get a bladder infection, urine trouble.

Money can’t buy happiness, but it sure makes misery easier to live with.

The most precious thing we have is life. Yet it has absolutely no trade-in value.

If you can’t convince them, confuse them.

A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a train stops. On my desk I have a workstation...

I used to be apathetic, but now I don’t give a damn.

If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?

A penny saved is a Congressional spending oversight.

This guy walks into a bar and the barman says “Ouch, that must have hurt”

Show me a piano falling down a mineshaft and I’ll show you A-flat minor.

Don’t look back. Something may be gaining on you.

The secret of success is sincerity. Once you can fake that you’ve got it made.

If puns were outlawed, only outlaws would have puns.

Take my advice, I don’t use it anyway.

Brilliant, but with the social skills of a thermonuclear device.

If you try and don’t succeed, cheat. Repeat until caught. Then lie.

Laughing stock: cattle with a sense of humour.

Some people are going to leave a mark on this world, while others will leave a stain.

I’m not afraid of heights, only widths.

I dropped out of communism class because of lousy Marx.

The man who fell into an upholstery machine is fully recovered.

I used to think I was indecisive, but now I’m not sure.

If it weren’t for the last minute, nothing would ever get done.

Don’t be irreplaceable; if you cannot be replaced, you cannot be promoted.

A drop of ink may make a million think.

Madness takes its toll. Please have exact change.

If you’re born again, do you have two bellybuttons?

I have had more trouble with myself than with any other man I’ve met.

Oh, don’t fuss. I just cut myself. It’s no big deal,” REALLY MEANS, “I have actually severed a limb, but will bleed to death before I admit I’m hurt.”

The trouble with our times is that the future is not what it used to be.

When life hands you a lemon, make lemonade.

Connection Reset By Aboriginal With Wire Cutters

Remember half the people you know are below average.

I haven’t spoken to my wife for 18 months: I don’t like to interrupt her.

Half our life is spent trying to find something to do with the time we have rushed through life trying to save.

Men are from earth. Women are from earth. Deal with it.

Doctor, Doctor You’ve got to help me – I just can’t stop my hands shaking. Do you drink a lot? Not really – I spill most of it!

So Many Pedestrians – So Little Time.

Blessed are those who can laugh at themselves, they will never cease to be amused.

Jokes about German sausage are the wurst.

“How come we choose from just two people to run for president and 50 for Miss America?”

Booze is the answer. I don’t remember the question.

Illiterate? Write For Help.

There are two kinds of people, those who finish what they start, and so on.

I wished the buck stopped here, as I could use a few.

Well, this day was a total waste of makeup.

A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat.

I stayed up all night to see where the sun went. Then it dawned on me.

I got a job at a bakery because I kneaded dough.

“How can a president not be an actor?” – when asked “How could an actor become president?” – Ronald Reagan

All my life, I always wanted to be somebody. Now I see that I should have been more specific.

“I have never let my schooling interfere with my education.”—Mark Twain

The world is full of willing people; some willing to work, the rest willing to let them.

Leftists are among the first to speak of their rights.

Perhaps you’re diagonally parked in a parallel universe?

Politicians are people who, when they see the light at the end of the tunnel, go out and buy more tunnel.

People don’t grow up; they just learn how to act in public.

I like children. Properly cooked.

If you think nobody cares if you’re alive, try missing a couple of car payments.

Doctor, Doctor I keep getting pains in the eye when I drink coffee. Have you tried taking the spoon out?

Why were the Indians here first? They had reservations.

“You start coding. I’ll go find out what they want.” — Computer analyst to programmer

Heck is where people go who don’t believe in gosh.

If you can’t beat your computer at chess, try kickboxing.

In the office of a Roman doctor: Specialist in women and other diseases.

“Then he ran into my knife. He ran into my knife ten times.” – Chicago

I’ve been trying for some time to develop a life style that doesn’t require my presence.

Succeed in spite of management. Aim Low; Reach Your Goals, Avoid Disappointment.

Success always occurs in private, and failure in full public view.

I envy people who drink – at least they know what to blame everything on.

One of the greatest labour-saving inventions today is tomorrow.

I want to die peacefully in my sleep like my grandfather, not screaming in abject horror like his passengers.

Climbers aim for the summit because it is there. Bungi jumpers dive off the top because they aren’t all there.

Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?

Impotence: Nature’s Way Of Saying “No Hard Feelings”.

If vegetable oil comes from vegetables, where does baby oil come from?

Men occasionally stumble over the truth, but most of them pick themselves up and hurry off as if nothing had happened. – Winston Churchill

I majored in liberal arts. Will that be for here or to go?

Cab drivers are living proof that practice does not make perfect.

I heard a man say that brigands demand your money or your life, whereas women require both.

Man who run behind car get exhausted.

After all is said and done, more is said than done.

We waste time, so you don’t have to.

“Everyday I beat my own previous record for number of consecutive days I’ve stayed alive.”

I tried sniffing Coke once, but the ice cubes got stuck in my nose.

Whenever there is any doubt, there is no doubt.

A conclusion is simply the place where you got tired of thinking.

I love work; it fascinates me; I can sit and watch it for hours.

A bird in the hand is safer than one overhead.

If at first you don’t succeed, try, try again. Then quit. There’s no use being a damned fool about it.

Pick your friends but not to pieces.

Love is like an hourglass, with the heart filling up as the brain empties.

I take everything I can for my kleptomania.

Everybody is ignorant, only on different subjects.

Everyone needs belief in something. I believe I’ll have another beer.

The more time you spend in reporting on what you are doing, the less time you have to do it in. Stability is achieved when you spend all your time doing nothing but reporting on the nothing you are doing.

If all you have is a hammer, everything looks like a nail.

I’m an idealist: I don’t know where I’m going, but I’m on my way.

Where do you find an Irish woodworm? Dead inside a brick.

I don’t believe in astrology. I am a Sagittarius and we’re very skeptical. ~ Arthur C. Clarke

Some people are alive only because it’s illegal to kill them.

I’m out of my mind, but feel free to leave a message.

Velcro — what a rip off!

It doesn’t matter what temperature the room is; it’s always room temperature.

Marriage is not a word; it is a sentence.

I’m in no shape to exercise.

Youth is a wonderful thing. What a crime to waste it on children.

I don’t have a solution but I admire the problem.

“#define QUESTION ((bb) || !(bb))” — Shakespeare

Everybody lies, but it doesn’t matter since nobody listens.

Being a philosopher, I have a problem for every solution.

How do I set a laser printer to stun?

Good judgement comes from experience. Experience comes from bad judgement.

I didn’t like my beard at first. Then it grew on me.

Warning: Dates in Calendar are closer than they appear.

Don’t use a big word where a diminutive one will suffice.

Ninety-nine per cent of the people in the world are fools and the rest of us are in great danger of contagion.

“Every mighty oak was once just a nut who stood his ground.”

Why is the third hand on the watch called a second hand?

An Irish man was driving to the airport when he saw a sign saying ‘Airport – Left’... So he went home.

“C++ : Where friends have access to your private members.” — Gavin Russell Baker.

If con is the opposite of pro, congress is the opposite of progress.

A diplomatic husband said to his wife, how do you expect me to remember your birthday when you never look any older?

Ever stop to think and forget to start again?

I can resist everything except temptation.

Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.

Cole’s Law: Thinly sliced cabbage.

“I wish everyone was peaceful. Then I could take over the planet with a butter knife”—Dogbert

You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say will be misquoted then used against you.

“I’ve been on a calendar but I have never been on time” – Marilyn Monroe

Knowledge is the key, but where is the damn lock?

He’s so lazy. I’ve seen him step into a revolving door and wait.

It is well to remember the entire population of the universe, with one trifling exception, is composed of others.

I can please only one person per day. Today is not your day. Tomorrow isn’t looking good either.

“Oh dear,” said God, “I hadn’t thought of that,” and promptly vanished in a puff of logic.

Is there life before death?

“When you starve with a tiger, the tiger starves last”. — Griffin’s Thought

They told me I had type A blood, but it was a Type O

I hate women because they always know where things are.

Seen it all, done it all, can’t remember most of it.

“They say hard work never hurt anybody, but I figure why take the chance.” – Ronald Reagan

In elementary school, in case of fire, you have to line up quietly in a single file line from smallest to tallest. What is the logic? Do tall people burn slower?

I used to find him boring until I stopped listening.

“Blink your eyelids periodically to lubricate your eyes.” — Page 16 of the HP “Environmental, Health Safety Handbook for Employees”.

If you want a committed man, look in a mental hospital.

Snowmen fall from Heaven unassembled.

If Bill Gates had a nickel for every time Windows crashed... oh wait, he does.

A backwards poet writes inverse.

Men’s faults are many, women have only two. Everything they say, and everything they do.

Brain: an apparatus with which we think we think.

Tips for Vegetarians: Hit a chicken enough times and it turns into a vegetable.

When your IQ reaches 80 –– sell.

Money is better than poverty, if only for financial reasons.

I think, therefore I am single.

Make sure your mind isn’t so open that your brains fall out.

Quantum mechanics: The dreams stuff is made of.

You look like a million dollars. All green and wrinkled.

Those who can laugh without cause have either found the true meaning of happiness or have gone stark raving mad.

I Refuse To Have A Battle Of Wits With An Unarmed Person.

I took a speed reading course and read ‘War and Peace’ in twenty minutes. It involves Russia. Enough women for four.

“The object of war is not to die for your country but to make the other bastard die for his.” – General George Patton

I like kids, but I don’t think I could eat a whole one.

It is hard to understand how a cemetery raised its burial charges and blamed it on the cost of living.

Optimists believe we live on the greatest world. Pessimists believe this is true.

Two strings walk into a bar. The first string says to the bartender, “Bartender, I’ll have a beer. u.5n$x5t?*&4ru!2[sACCErJ”. The second string says, “Pardon my friend, he isn’t NULL terminated”.

Democracy is a process by which people are free to choose the man who will get the blame.

If you don’t learn to laugh at troubles, you won’t have anything to laugh at when you grow old.

The second day of a diet is alway easier than the first. By the second day, you’re off it.

Laugh and the world laughs with you; snore and you sleep alone.

Wine divulges truth.

Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy.

Every time I look at you I get a fierce desire to be lonesome.

As the light changed from red to green to yellow and back to red again, I sat there thinking about life. Was it nothing more than a bunch of honking and yelling? Sometimes it seemed that way.

Cluster bombing from B-52s is very, very accurate – the bombs always hit the ground.

I’ve always wanted to be normal, but lately I’ve come to suspect that this is it.

If I have to work for an idiot, I might as well work for myself.

Not all men are annoying. Some are dead.

“On two occasions I have been asked [by members of Parliament!]: ‘Pray, Mr. Babbage, if you put into the machine wrong figures, will the right answers come out ?’ I am not able rightly to apprehend the kind of confusion of ideas that could provoke such a question.” — Charles Babbage.

England has no kidney bank, but it does have a Liverpool.

Time flies like an arrow – fruit flies like a banana.

Marriage is a three-ring circus: engagement ring, wedding ring, and suffering.

It’s hard to face the problem, when the problem is your face.

He who laughs last thinks slowest.

“The generation of random numbers is too important to be left to chance.” — Robert R. Coveyou, Oak Ridge National Laboratory.

Living is not worth dying for.

I think that’s how Chicago got started. A bunch of people in New York said, “Gee, I’m enjoying the crime and the poverty, but it just isn’t cold enough. Let’s go west.”—Richard Jeni

Men have a much better time of it than women; for one thing, they marry later; for another thing they die earlier.

Life is far too important to be taken seriously.

Anger is only one letter away from danger.

Anything not nailed down is a cat toy.

At the age of six I wanted to be a cook. At seven I wanted to be Napoleon. And my ambition has been growing steadily ever since.

How do you know if a fish is Irish? It has drowned.

Most vegetarians look so much like the food they eat that they can be classified as cannibals.

It’s easy to quit smoking... I’ve done it over 10,000 times.

I used to be a banker, but then I lost interest.

This girl said she recognized me from the vegetarian club, but I’d never met herbivore

How do you spot an Irishman at a carwash? He’s the one on the bike.

The sooner you fall behind the more time you’ll have to catch up.

I’m not dumb; I just have a command of thoroughly useless information.

I am obviously right, and as you disagree with me, then logically you must be wrong.

If you can stay calm, while all around you is chaos... then you probably haven’t completely understood the situation.

Artificial Intelligence is no match for Natural Stupidity.

I have gone to look for myself, if I should return before I get back, keep me here.

On the keyboard of life, always keep one finger on the escape key.

I tried to photograph the fog, but I mist.

As a final incentive before giving up a difficult task, try to imagine it successfully accomplished by someone you violently dislike.

My life has a superb cast but I can’t figure out the plot.

An army of deer led by a lion is more to be feared than an army of lions led by a deer.

When Chemists die, they barium.

The dictionary is the only place where success comes before work.

Lord, if you won’t make me skinny, please make all my friends fat.

Don’t marry for money. You can borrow it cheaper.

“Heavier-than-air flying machines are impossible.” — Lord Kelvin, president, Royal Society, 1895.

Well, if I called the wrong number, why did you answer the phone?

I majored in liberal arts. Will that be for here or to go?

I plead contemporary insanity.

Time is a great teacher, but unfortunately it kills all its pupils.

Some people say that I must be a horrible person, but that’s not true. I have the heart of a young boy – in a jar on my desk.

No problem is so big and complicated that it can’t be ran away from.

Whenever I feel like exercise, I lie down until the feeling passes.

If at first you do succeed, try to hide your astonishment.

Remember the teakettle; though up to its neck in hot water, it continues to sing.

If olive oil comes from olives, where does baby oil come from?

It is not my interest to pay the principal, nor my principal to pay the interest.

If you don’t pay your exorcist you get repossessed.

Technology is a way of organizing the universe so that man doesn’t have to experience it.

Always remember you’re unique, just like everyone else.

In the beginning, there was nothing. Then God said, “Let there be light,” and there was still nothing, but you could see it.

Remember, half the people you know are below average.

Plan to be spontaneous tomorrow.

My reality check just bounced.

Shin: a device for finding furniture in the dark.

Macho Law prohibits me from admitting I’m wrong.

How do you sink an Irish Submarine? Knock on the hatch.

Age always corresponds inversely to the size of your multivitamin.

Never underestimate the power of very stupid people in large groups.

I took an IQ test and the results were negative.

Men don’t care what’s on TV. They only care what else is on TV.

A poor excuse is like an old bucket; doesn’t matter what shape it is in, as long as it holds water.

Does this smell like chloroform to you?

I Haven’t Lost My Mind, It’s Backed Up On Disk Somewhere.

Birthdays are good for you. Statistics show that the people who have the most live the longest.

If it weren’t for electricity we’d all be watching television by candlelight?

Support bacteria – they’re the only culture some people have.

There’s a difference between being open-minded and having a hole in your head

I like to start my periods with sentences.

My mind works like lightning. One brilliant flash and it is gone.

A guy got arrested for playing the guitar. He was fingering a minor.

“Auntie Em: hate you, hate Kansas, taking the dog.” – Dorothy

Military intelligence is a contradiction in terms.

I’d give my right arm to be ambidextrous.

Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

“You have to be careful about being too careful” – Beryl Pfizer

“Hey, I’ve got reasons for what I’m doing,” REALLY MEANS, “I sure hope I think of some pretty soon.”

I arise in the morning torn between a desire to improve the world and a desire to enjoy the world. This makes it hard to plan the day.

We are going on a field trip to the Coca-Cola factory. I hope there are no pop quizzes.

The surprising thing about young fools is how many survive to become old fools.

It is a small world, but I wouldn’t like to have to paint it.

Promises are like babies: fun to make, but hell to deliver.

A study in the Washington Post says that women have better verbal skills than men. I just want to say to the authors of that study: “Duh.”— Conan O’Brien

Experience is something you do not get until just after you need it.

“People who drink light beer don’t like the taste of beer; they just like to pee a lot” — Rodney Dangerfield

Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying of nothing.

Man who run in front of car get tired.

Sheep don’t fly so much as plummet.

Jokes about German sausage are the wurst.

“If carrots are so good for the eyes, how come I see so many dead rabbits on the highway?”

You have the right to your opinions. I just don’t want to hear them.

“This ‘telephone’ has too many shortcomings to be seriously considered as a means of communication.” — Western Union internal memo, 1876.

I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol.

An egotist is a person of low taste—more interested in himself than in me.

“Banking establishments are more dangerous than standing armies”. — Thomas Jefferson

Anyone who told you to be yourself couldn’t have given you worse advice.

It is said that if you line up all the cars in the world end to end, someone would be stupid enough to try and pass them.

Shin: a device for finding furniture in the dark.

“Are you going to come quietly, or do I have to use earplugs?”—Vale Spike Milligan

I’m desperately trying to figure out why kamikaze pilots wore helmets.

Don’t talk unless you can improve the silence.

If I’d known I was going to live this long, I’d have taken better care of myself.

What Has Four Legs And An Arm? A Happy Pit Bull.

Money is flat and meant to be piled up. – Scottish Proverb

The only perfect science is hindsight.

Maybe I’m lucky to be going so slowly, because I may be going in the wrong direction.

I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.

The early bird gets the worm, but the early worm gets eaten.

Latest survey shows that 3 out of 4 people make up 75% of the world’s population.

I had amnesia once or twice.

AIBOHPHOBIA – the fear of palindromes.

Time’s fun when you’re having flies... Kermit the Frog

Smoking cures weight problems...eventually...

If the human brain were so simple that we could understand it, we would be so simple we couldn’t.

When in doubt, mumble.

Man shoots neighbour with machete [The Miami Herald, July 3]

Lead us not into temptation. Just tell us where it is; we’ll find it.

I’d like to see things your way, but I’m looking in another direction.

Stupidity is not a handicap! Park somewhere else!

“There are only two things that are infinite: the universe and human stupidity. And I’m not sure about the universe.” A. Einstein

I have spent my whole life looking for the perfect woman, and now I’ve found her. Too bad she’s looking for the perfect man.

People who think they know everything are annoying to those of us who do.

Foolproof systems don’t take into account the ingenuity of fools.

I don’t meet competition. I crush it

Red Tape Holds Up New Bridge!

Hang in there; retirement is only thirty years away.

Authority makes some people grow – and others just swell.

A bird does not sing because it has an answer—it sings because it has a song.

If you don’t know where you are going, you might wind up someplace else.

I laugh in the face of danger, except if I’m involved.

Needing someone is like needing a parachute. If he isn’t there the first time you need him, chances are you won’t be needing him again.

“As a matter of fact” is an expression that precedes many an expression that isn’t.

Pardon my driving, I am reloading.

For Sale: Parachute. Only used once, never opened, small stain.

I don’t suffer from stress. I’m a carrier.

Only a fool is astonished by the foolishness of humankind.

Does your train of thought have a caboose?

“He has been given a large brain by mistake, since for him the spinal cord would fully suffice.” — Albert Einstein

Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.

Mind like a steel trap – rusty and illegal in most states.

My parents stayed together for forty years, but that was out of spite.

Everybody is ignorant, only on different subjects.

If we don’t succeed, we run the risk of failure.

Bachelors have consciences, married men have wives.

It is even harder for the average ape to believe that he has descended from man.

It has recently been discovered that research causes cancer in rats.

Any ship can be a minesweeper... once.

A synonym is a word you use when you can’t spell the word you first thought of.

Age is a very high price to pay for maturity.

Go the extra mile. It makes your boss look like an incompetent slacker.

They say you only use ten percent of your brain. What about the other ten?

I have a simple philosophy. Fill what’s empty. Empty what’s full. Scratch where it itches.

One martini is all right, two is too many, and three is not enough.

You’re such an inspiration for the way I’ll never choose to be.

He does the work of three men: Larry, Moe and Curly.

How did Moses make his tea? Hebrews it.

A cartoonist was found dead in his home. Details are sketchy.

God must love stupid people, he made so many.

In a Rome laundry: Ladies, leave your clothes here and spend the afternoon having a good time.

Get even – live long enough to be a problem to your kids.

I work hard because millions on welfare depend on me.

Where there’s a will, I want to be in it.

Murphy’s Golden Rule: Whoever has the gold makes the rules.

Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.

Without question, the greatest invention in the history of mankind is beer. Oh, I grant you that the wheel was also a fine invention, but the wheel does not go nearly as well with pizza.

Tip the world over on its side and everything loose will land in Los Angeles.

A soldier who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran.

I love being married. It’s so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.

Outside a Hong Kong tailor shop: Ladies may have a fit upstairs.

If life was fair, Elvis would be alive and all the impersonators would be dead.

If you’re not wasted, the day is.

Half of being smart is knowing what you are dumb at.

I started out with nothing, and I still have most of it.

Anything not nailed down is mine. Anything I can pry loose is not nailed down.

Under capitalism, man exploits man. Under Communism, it’s just the opposite.

If money talks, it ain’t on speakin’ terms with me.

Women like silent men. They think they’re listening.

My husband and I divorced over religious differences... He thought he was God and I didn’t.

I have noticed that the people who are late are often so much jollier that the people who have to wait for them.

The chance of a piece of bread falling with the buttered side down is directly proportional to the cost of the carpet.

We spend the first twelve months of our children’s lives teaching them to walk and talk and the next twelve telling them to sit down and shut up.

Never put both feet in your mouth at the same time, because then you don’t have a leg to stand on.

Time is God’s way of keeping everything from happening at once.

I’m reading a book about anti-gravity. I can’t put it down.

Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?

There are three ways to get something done: do it yourself, hire someone, or forbid your kids to do it.

Work expands to fill the time available. — PARKINSON’S LAW

Marathon runners with bad footwear suffer the agony of defeat.

By the time a man realises that his father was right, he has a son who thinks he’s wrong.

Compromise: the art of dividing a cake so that everybody believes he or she got the biggest piece.

I thought I made a mistake once, but I was wrong.

If people concentrated on the really important things in life, there’d be a shortage of fishing poles.

Why is it that doctors call what they do “practice”?

Lots of people know a good thing the minute the other fellow sees it first.

I don’t approve of political jokes... I’ve seen too many of them get elected.

“A patriot must always be ready to defend his country against his government”. — Edward Abbey

“Inconceivable!” “I do not think that word means what you think it means.”

“War does not determine who is right - only who is left.” – Bertrand Russell

When you do not know what you are doing, do it neatly.

Eschew obfuscation.

Life... I don’t get it...

The light at the end of the tunnel has been turned off due to budget cuts.

A day without sun shine is like, you know, night.

Vote for the man who promises least; he’ll be the least disappointing.

Democracy is a government where you can say what you think even if you don’t think.

All those who believe in psycho kinesis raise my hand.

Allow me to introduce my selves.

Nobody can be exactly like me. Even I have trouble doing it.

Hard work never killed anybody but why take the chance?

If you don’t know why I’m mad at you, then I’m certainly not going to tell you

I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.

To err is human – and to blame it on a computer is even more so.

A printer consists of three main parts: the case, the jammed paper tray and the blinking red light

“I worked in a pet shop and people kept asking how big I’d get” — Rodney Dangerfield

Youth would be an ideal state if it came a little later in life.

“I’d rather have a bottle in front of me, than a frontal lobotomy”. — Tom Waits

Insanity is hereditary; you can get it from your children.

Blessed are the young, for they shall inherit the national debt.

Age is an issue of mind over matter. If you don’t mind, it doesn’t matter.

Keyboard not detected. Press F1 to continue

I’d explain it to you, but your brain would explode.

To succeed in politics, it is often necessary to rise above your principles.

Be kind to your dentist. He has fillings, too.

What happens if you get scared half to death twice?

Stupidity is not a handicap. Park elsewhere!

The shortest distance between two points is under construction.

We have two ends. One for sitting and one for thinking. Our success depends on which one we use most.

My husband says I never listen to him (at least I think that’s what he said)

The beatings will continue until morale improves.

We Quit Voting Will They All Go Away?

Connection Reset - Insufficient Electrons

The earthquake in Washington obviously was the government’s fault.

Broken pencils are pointless.

“A girl phoned me the other day and said... Come on over, there’s nobody home. I went over. Nobody was home” — Rodney Dangerfield

Everybody has a photographic memory. Some don’t have film.

You’re not drunk if you can lie on the floor without holding on.

Comedy is tragedy plus time.

“Einstein argued that there must be simplified explanations of nature, because God is not capricious or arbitrary. No such faith comforts the software engineer.” — Fred Brooks.

In a Norwegian cocktail lounge: Ladies are requested not to have children in the bar.

Programmer – A red-eyed, mumbling mammal capable of conversing with inanimate objects.

The most powerful force in the universe is gossip.

He who trains his tongue to quote the learned sages, will be known far and wide as a smart ass.

When he first ran for office, he appealed to the voters: “I never stole anything in my life. All I ask is a chance.”

Eagles may soar, but weasels don’t get sucked into jet engines.

A dyslexic man walks into a bra.

The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.

“I think there is a world market for maybe five computers.” — Thomas Watson, chairman of IBM, 1943.

“I’ve noticed that everyone who is for abortion has already been born.” – Ronald Reagan

What’s the definition of a will? (It’s a dead giveaway).

Experience is simply the name we give our mistakes.

If you do not make dust, you eat dust.

I love cats – they taste just like chicken.

Don’t take life too seriously—you’ll never get out of it alive.

Consciousness: that annoying time between naps.

Errors have been made. Others will be blamed.

Roses are red, Violets are blue. In Soviet Russia, Poems write you.

One should forgive one’s enemies, but not before they are hanged.

I hope that after I die, people will say of me: “That guy sure owed me a lot of money.”

Remember... Marriage is the number one cause of divorce. Statistically, 100% of all divorces started with marriage.

The day I can’t do my job drunk is the day I turn in my badge and gun.

Progress was all right. Only it went on too long.

Cleverly Disguised As A Responsible Adult.

I had some words with my wife, and she had some paragraphs with me.

I was the next door kid’s imaginary friend.

How do you get an Irishman to burn his ear? Ring him up while he is ironing.

I don’t like people who take drugs... Customs Officers for example.

Statistics are like bikinis – What they reveal is suggestive, but what they conceal is vital.

I used up all my sick days, so I’m calling in dead.

The dumber people think you are, the more surprised they’re going to be when you kill them—Rodney Dangerfield

It’s just a job. Grass grows, birds fly, waves pound the sand. I just beat people up. – Muhammad Ali

This Would Be Really Funny If It Weren’t Happening To Me.

Sometimes I wake up grumpy; other times I let her sleep

Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

What sane person could live in this world and not be crazy?

If a man opens a car door for a woman, either the car is new or the woman.

There are 3 kinds of people: those who can count and those who can’t.

Last night I lay in bed looking up at the stars in the sky and I thought to myself, “Where the heck is the ceiling?”

If at first you don’t succeed, destroy all the evidence that you tried.

I wondered why the baseball was getting bigger. Then it hit me.

A person who smiles in the face of adversity... probably has a scapegoat.

Tell me what you need, and I’ll tell you how to get along without it.

Did you hear about the cross-eyed teacher who lost her job because she couldn’t control her pupils?

Being in the army is like being in the Boy Scouts, except that the Boy Scouts have adult supervision.

The art of flying is to throw yourself at the ground and miss.

Arguing on the Internet is like competing in the Special Olympics – even if you win, you are still retarded.

“I am not worried about the deficit. It is big enough to take care of itself.” – Ronald Reagan

It’s strange, isn’t it. You stand in the middle of a library and go aaaaagghhhh’ and everyone just stares at you. But you do the same thing on an aeroplane, and everyone joins in.

People with narrow minds usually have broad tongues.

I wonder how much deeper would the ocean be without sponges.

I am amazed at radio DJ’s today. I am firmly convinced that AM on my radio stands for Absolute Moron. I will not begin to tell you what FM stands for.

Who is General Failure and why is he reading my hard disk?

Genius is 1% inspiration, and 99% perspiration.

If it’s true that we are here to help others, then what exactly are the others here for?

The only reason some people get lost in thought is because it’s unfamiliar territory.

Plato is dead, Einstein is dead, and I’m not feeling too good myself...

If you choke a smurf, what colour does it turn?

From the moment I picked your book up until I laid it down I was convulsed with laughter. Some day I intend reading it.

Get a new car for your spouse – it’ll be a great trade!

Having more money doesn’t make you happier. I have 50 million dollars but I’m just as happy as when I had 48 million. ~ Arnold Schwarzenegger.

Never put off until tomorrow what you can avoid altogether.

It’s not true that married men live longer than single men. It only seems longer.

It’s not that I’m afraid to die; I just don’t want to be there when it happens.

Laugh at your problems; everybody else does.

A clean tie attracts the soup of the day.

What do you call a dinosaur with an extensive vocabulary? A thesaurus.

I have the body of a GOD – Buddha.

My favorite mythical creature? The honest politician.

Computers make it easy to do a lot of things, but most of the things that make it easier to do don’t need to be done.

On the other hand you have different fingers.

I installed a skylight in my apartment. The people who live above me are furious.

If a job is worth doing well get someone else to do it.

Hope sees the invisible, feels the intangible and achieves the impossible.

It is hard enough to remember my opinions, without also remembering my reasons for them!

“If builders built buildings the way programmers write programs, then the first woodpecker that came along would destroy civilization” — Weinberg’s Second Law.

Character is what you are in the dark.

On the plus side, death is one of the few things that can be done just as easily as lying down.

My one regret in life is that I am not someone else.

What does a clock do when it’s hungry? It goes back four seconds.

Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7th of your life.

When you are arguing with an idiot, make sure the other person isn’t doing the same thing.

We’ve made great medical progress in the last generation. What used to be merely an itch is now an allergy.

If the French were really intelligent, they’d speak English.

Sometimes I think the surest sign that intelligent life exists elsewhere in the universe is that none of it has tried to contact us.

Being single is like a vacuum. It sucks when you are turned on.

Five out of four people have trouble with fractions.

“Reading computer manuals without the hardware is as frustrating as reading sex manuals without the software.” — Arthur C. Clarke.

Santa’s helpers are subordinate clauses.

To B or not to B? *kills the B* I HATE BEES!!!! – LynxofCP

“The web is a dominatrix. Every where I turn, I see little buttons ordering me to Submit.” — Nytwind.

I live in my own little world, but it’s ok they know me here.

If I were someone who knew something, who could I tell that would believe me?

Years ago fairy tales began with “Once upon a time...” Now it’s “If I am elected...”

The number of people watching you is directly proportional to the stupidity of your action.

If you’re not confused, you’re not paying attention.

Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian any more than going to the garage makes you a car.

All men are equal. Some are just more equal than others.

My schoolmates would make love to anything that moved, but I never saw any reason to limit myself.

Somewhere on this globe, every ten seconds, is a woman giving birth to a child. She must be found and stopped.

“Life is a waste of time, time is a waste of life, so get wasted all of the time and have the time of your life”. — Tom Waits

Mental Floss prevents Moral Decay.

I don’t want to achieve immortality through my work. I want to achieve immortality through not dying.

For people who like peace and quiet – a phoneless cord.

I did a theatrical performance about puns. It was a play on words.

If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?

I don’t necessarily agree with everything I say.

Anyone can admit they were wrong; the true test is admitting it to someone else.

Better to remain silent and be thought a fool, than to speak and remove all doubt.

Of course, we are all worms—but I like to think, at least, that I am a glow-worm. – Winston Churchill

The difference between a stepping-stone and a stumbling block can be when you see it.

Conscience is the inner voice warning us that someone may be looking.

Procrastinate Now!

There is nothing so annoying as to have two people go right on talking when you’re interrupting.

Just because you’re not paranoid doesn’t mean they’re not out to get you.

Instead of getting married again, I’m going to find a woman I don’t like and just give her a house.—Rod Stewart

“Reader, suppose you were an idiot. And suppose you were a member of Congress. But I repeat myself”. — Mark Twain

He’s not dead, he’s electroencephalographically challenged.

The fellow who thinks he knows it all is especially annoying to those of us who do.

Time sneaks up on you like a windshield on a bug.

“Things are more like they are now than they ever were before.” – Former U.S. President Dwight D. Eisenhower

My girlfriend told me I should be more affectionate. So I got two more girlfriends.

Accept that some days you’re the pigeon, and some days you’re the statue.

Sex on television can’t hurt you unless you fall off.

I don’t have an attitude problem. You have a perception problem.

Always try to be modest and be proud of it!

The human brain is a wonderful thing. It starts working the moment you are born, and never stops until you stand up to speak in public.

Don’t stop to stomp on ants when the elephants are stampeding.

Proofread carefully to see if you any words out.

“I believe in equality for everyone, except reporters and photographers”. — Gandhi

There are two types of people in this world, good and bad. The good sleep better, but the bad seem to enjoy the waking hours much more.

A pessimist is a man who has been compelled to live with an optimist

Age is a question of mind over matter. If you don’t mind, it don’t matter.

Cheer up, the worst is yet to come.

Confidence is the feeling you have before you understand the situation

Even crime wouldn’t pay if the government ran it.

There is no such thing as an underestimate of average intelligence

Isn’t having a smoking section in a restaurant like having a peeing section in a swimming pool?

TEAMWORK... means never having to take all the blame yourself.

Quantum: Noun, word used to sound like I know what I’m talking about while discussing physics I’ve never actually studied.

You’ll never get to heaven if you’re scared of getting high.

There are very few personal problems that cannot be solved through a suitable application of high explosives.

Work: It isn’t just for sleeping anymore.

Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?

If sex is such a natural phenomenon, how come there are so many books on how to do it.

If we learn by our mistakes, some of us are getting one hell of an education!

“Thinking is the hardest work there is, which is probably why so few engage in it”. — Henry Ford

Honk if you love peace and quiet.

The trouble with life is there’s no background music.

Caution – Driver Legally Blonde!

No sense being pessimistic, it probably wouldn’t work anyway.

In a Tokyo shop: Our nylons cost more than common, but you’ll find they are best in the long run.

Fundamentalism: Believe in a kind, loving God or we’ll kill you!

I spent most of my money on booze, drugs and women... The rest I wasted!

Friends may come and go, but enemies accumulate

Honesty is the best policy, but insanity is a better defence.

e=mc^2 where m = the number of cooks required to spoil the broth

The things that come to those that wait may be the things left by those who got there first.

“You can always count on Americans to do the right thing—after they’ve tried everything else” – Winston Churchill

A dog that attends a flea circus most likely will steal the whole show.

You have to stay in shape. My grandmother, she started walking five miles a day when she was 60. She’s 97 today and we don’t know where the hell she is.

Smith & Wesson — the original point and click interface.

If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?

Bacteria: the only culture some people have.

If you can’t be kind, at least have the decency to be vague.

You can always spot a well-informed man – his views are the same as yours.

There are only three kinds of people; people who can count and people who can’t.

Never buy a car you can’t push.

A team effort is a lot of people doing what I say

Marriage changes passion... suddenly you’re in bed with a relative.

Where you stand depends on where you sit.

If a woman has to choose between catching a fly ball and saving an infant’s life, she will choose to save the infant’s life without even considering if there is a man on base.—Dave Barry

“This report, by its very length, defends itself against the risk of being read”. — Winston Churchill

Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way when you criticize them, you are a mile away from them and you have their shoes.

Even paranoids have real enemies.

I’m quite easy to get along with, once you learn to beckon at my every call and yield to all my desires.

“Always be sincere, even when you don’t mean it”. — Irene Peter

Confidence is the feeling you have before you understand the situation.

Energizer Bunny arrested: Charged with battery.

Half of the people in the world are below average.

Man who drive like hell bound to get there.

I either want less corruption, or more chance to participate in it.

You can say any foolish thing to a dog, and the dog will give you a look that says, “My God, you’re right! I never would’ve thought of that!”

Raising teenagers is like trying to nail Jell-O to a tree.

Why does Sea World have a seafood restaurant? I’m halfway through my fish burger and I realize, Oh my gosh... I could be eating a slow learner.

Haunted French pancakes give me the crêpes.

Seeing a murder on television...will help work off one’s antagonisms. And if you haven’t any antagonisms, the commercials will give you some.

Is Disney World the only people trap operated by a mouse?

Slow is when someone laps you in the hundred-yard dash

A baby sitter is a teenager acting like an adult while the adults are out acting like teenagers.

In the beginning, God created earth and rested. Then God created man and rested. Then God created woman. Since then, neither God nor man has rested.

There are 10 types of people in the world: Those who understand binary, and those who don’t.

I don’t suffer from stress. I’m a carrier.

“The best thing about the future is that it comes only one day at a time.” – Abraham Lincoln

Chipped dishes never break.

Save the whales. Collect the whole set.

“You, you and you: panic. The rest of you, come with me.”

I thought I wanted a career, turns out I just wanted paychecks.

As long as there are tests, there will be prayer in public schools.

How do you keep an Irishman busy? Write P.T.O on both sides of a piece of paper.

Before marriage, a man yearns for the woman he loves. After marriage, the ‘Y’ becomes silent.

I spilled spot remover on my dog. Now he’s gone.

If you can’t convince them, confuse them.

Nick Overruled - Democratic Majority Decision

I think animal testing is a terrible idea; they get all nervous and give the wrong answers.

Sheep don’t fly so much as plummet.

I’m an apathetic sociopath – I’d kill you if I cared.

When all other means of communication fail, try words.

INDECISION is the key to FLEXIBILITY.

Eat a live toad first thing in the morning, and nothing worse can happen to you the rest of the day.

I intend to live forever – so far, so good.

The best computer is a man, and it’s the only one that can be mass-produced by unskilled labour.

Originality is the fine art of remembering what you hear, but forgetting where you heard it.

It used to be only death and taxes were inevitable. Now, of course, there’s shipping and handling, too.

If you don’t know where you are going, you will wind up somewhere else.

The sooner you fall behind the more time you’ll have to catch up.

Jack and Jill did it for the insurance.

IRS: We’ve got what it takes to take what you’ve got.

A hangover is the wrath of grapes.

The only difference between Genius and Insanity... is success.

Some people are alive only because it’s illegal to kill them.

I have kleptomania, but when it gets bad, I take something for it. ~ Robert Benchle

There’s a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot.

Despite the cost of living it’s still very popular.

Never argue with an idiot. They drag you down to their level then beat you with experience.

I often quote myself; it adds spice to my conversation.

One good turn gets most of the blankets.

The trouble with jogging is that, by the time you realise you’re not in shape for it, it’s far too far to walk back.

What if there were no hypothetical questions?

Anywhere is walking distance, if you’ve got the time.

Plagiarism saves time.

Acupuncture is a jab well done.

Everyone hates me because I’m paranoid.

There are two kinds of people, those who finish what they start, and so on.

If I were two-faced, would I be wearing this one?

Chaos, panic, & disorder – my work here is done.

I know a guy who is addicted to brake fluid. He says he can stop anytime.

Never go to a doctor whose office plants have died.

Honest criticism is hard to take, particularly from a relative, a friend, an acquaintance, or a stranger.

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