Amusing Quotes & One-Liners — Ned Martin’s Amused

Amusing Quotes & One-Liners

Time sneaks up on you like a windshield on a bug.

If you can’t beat your computer at chess, try kickboxing.

Murphy’s Golden Rule: Whoever has the gold makes the rules.

TEAMWORK... means never having to take all the blame yourself.

It’s easy to quit smoking... I’ve done it over 10,000 times.

Bachelors know more about women than married men; if they didn’t they’d be married too.

Having more money doesn’t make you happier. I have 50 million dollars but I’m just as happy as when I had 48 million. ~ Arnold Schwarzenegger.

There are two kinds of people, those who finish what they start, and so on.

If a job is worth doing well get someone else to do it.

I’ve always wanted to be normal, but lately I’ve come to suspect that this is it.

What happens if you get scared half to death twice?

Bachelors have consciences, married men have wives.

One should forgive one’s enemies, but not before they are hanged.

Anger is only one letter away from danger.

Tip the world over on its side and everything loose will land in Los Angeles.

What’s the definition of a will? (It’s a dead giveaway).

A diplomatic husband said to his wife, how do you expect me to remember your birthday when you never look any older?

The shortest distance between two points is under construction.

One martini is all right, two is too many, and three is not enough.

What do you call a dinosaur with an extensive vocabulary? A thesaurus.

An Apple a day keeps the doctor away. But... an onion a day keeps everyone away.

Men are from earth. Women are from earth. Deal with it.

Honest criticism is hard to take, particularly from a relative, a friend, an acquaintance, or a stranger.

To err is human – and to blame it on a computer is even more so.

If a man opens a car door for a woman, either the car is new or the woman.

Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.

If someone with multiple personalities threatens suicide... is it considered a hostage situation?

Well if this is the wrong number, why did you answer it?

Pardon my driving, I am reloading.

Brilliant, but with the social skills of a thermonuclear device.

Vote for the man who promises least; he’ll be the least disappointing.

I arise in the morning torn between a desire to improve the world and a desire to enjoy the world. This makes it hard to plan the day.

Is Disney World the only people trap operated by a mouse?

I Refuse To Have A Battle Of Wits With An Unarmed Person.

The second day of a diet is alway easier than the first. By the second day, you’re off it.

“There are only two things that are infinite: the universe and human stupidity. And I’m not sure about the universe.” A. Einstein

What sane person could live in this world and not be crazy?

He who smiles in a crisis has found someone to blame.

If a President doesn’t do it to his wife, he’ll do it to his country.

If you don’t know where you are going, you will wind up somewhere else.

When life hands you a lemon, make lemonade.

I often quote myself; it adds spice to my conversation.

Confidence is the feeling you have before you understand the situation

The man who fell into an upholstery machine is fully recovered.

A committee is a body that keeps minutes and wastes hours.

All those who believe in psycho kinesis raise my hand.

e=mc^2 where m = the number of cooks required to spoil the broth

AIBOHPHOBIA – the fear of palindromes.

Any ship can be a minesweeper... once.

In the office of a Roman doctor: Specialist in women and other diseases.

You’re not drunk if you can lie on the floor without holding on.

The things that come to those that wait may be the things left by those who got there first.

In democracy it’s your vote that counts. In feudalism it’s your count that votes.

The sooner you fall behind the more time you’ll have to catch up.

“Heavier-than-air flying machines are impossible.” — Lord Kelvin, president, Royal Society, 1895.

Why do we wash bath towels, aren’t we clean when we use them?

The fellow who thinks he knows it all is especially annoying to those of us who do.

Why don’t you ever see the headline “Psychic Wins Lottery”?

Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way when you criticize them, you are a mile away from them and you have their shoes.

“He has been given a large brain by mistake, since for him the spinal cord would fully suffice.” — Albert Einstein

I’d give my right arm to be ambidextrous.

Artificial Intelligence is no match for Natural Stupidity.

I generally avoid temptation unless I can’t resist it.

How do you know if a fish is Irish? It has drowned.

The world is full of willing people; some willing to work, the rest willing to let them.

A backwards poet writes inverse.

Why is it that to stop Windows, you have to click on “Start”?

Even crime wouldn’t pay if the government ran it.

I used to be a banker, but then I lost interest.

A drop of ink may make a million think.

I started out with nothing, and I still have most of it.

Every morning is the dawn of a new error.

Smoking cures weight problems...eventually...

IRS: We’ve got what it takes to take what you’ve got.

When you come to a fork in the road, take it.

It is wiser to find out than to suppose.—Mark Twain

Remember half the people you know are below average.

It is well to remember the entire population of the universe, with one trifling exception, is composed of others.

I don’t have a solution but I admire the problem.

The chance of a piece of bread falling with the buttered side down is directly proportional to the cost of the carpet.

“Reader, suppose you were an idiot. And suppose you were a member of Congress. But I repeat myself”. — Mark Twain

Sometimes I think the surest sign that intelligent life exists elsewhere in the universe is that none of it has tried to contact us.

When you get a bladder infection, urine trouble.

In elementary school, in case of fire, you have to line up quietly in a single file line from smallest to tallest. What is the logic? Do tall people burn slower?

You have to stay in shape. My grandmother, she started walking five miles a day when she was 60. She’s 97 today and we don’t know where the hell she is.

In this world, nothing is certain but death and taxes. – Benjamin Franklin

There’s a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot.

Despite the cost of living it’s still very popular.

I didn’t like my beard at first. Then it grew on me.

If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?

“I have never let my schooling interfere with my education.”—Mark Twain

I have gone to look for myself, if I should return before I get back, keep me here.

Constipated People Don’t Give A Crap.

There’s a fine line between genius and insanity. I have erased this line.

By the time a man realises that his father was right, he has a son who thinks he’s wrong.

Don’t be irreplaceable; if you cannot be replaced, you cannot be promoted.

This girl said she recognized me from the vegetarian club, but I’d never met herbivore

Foolproof systems don’t take into account the ingenuity of fools.

The amount of work to be done increases in proportion to the amount of work already completed. — VAIL’S SECOND AXIOM

I don’t want to achieve immortality through my work. I want to achieve immortality through not dying.

You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.

Why were the Indians here first? They had reservations.

I’m quite easy to get along with, once you learn to beckon at my every call and yield to all my desires.

The early bird gets the worm, but the early worm gets eaten.

Work expands to fill the time available. — PARKINSON’S LAW

If vegetable oil comes from vegetables, where does baby oil come from?

Just because your head is the biggest doesn’t mean it contains the right ideas.

He who trains his tongue to quote the learned sages, will be known far and wide as a smart ass.

Don’t take life too seriously—you’ll never get out of it alive.

In a Copenhagen airline ticket office: We take your bags and send them in all directions.

It’s bad luck to be superstitious.

They told me I had type A blood, but it was a Type O

Restarting System - Mouse Moved

I know a guy who is addicted to brake fluid. He says he can stop anytime.

If money talks, it ain’t on speakin’ terms with me.

There are two kinds of people, those who finish what they start, and so on.

Connection Reset By Aboriginal With Wire Cutters

“The object of war is not to die for your country but to make the other bastard die for his.” – General George Patton

If we learn by our mistakes, some of us are getting one hell of an education!

Save the whales. Collect the whole set.

“Then he ran into my knife. He ran into my knife ten times.” – Chicago

We are going on a field trip to the Coca-Cola factory. I hope there are no pop quizzes.

In a Norwegian cocktail lounge: Ladies are requested not to have children in the bar.

It is said that if you line up all the cars in the world end to end, someone would be stupid enough to try and pass them.

Originality is the fine art of remembering what you hear, but forgetting where you heard it.

Being in the army is like being in the Boy Scouts, except that the Boy Scouts have adult supervision.

The light at the end of the tunnel has been turned off due to budget cuts.

When angry count four, when very angry, swear.

“There is no reason anyone would want a computer in their home.” — Ken Olson, founder of Digital Equipment Corp., 1977.

Marriage is a three-ring circus: engagement ring, wedding ring, and suffering.

Life is complex: it has real and imaginary parts.

I guess traffic in the city is improving a little. Yesterday, I drove clear across town and only had to shave twice.

How do you get an Irishman to burn his ear? Ring him up while he is ironing.

“Managing senior programmers is like herding cats” — Dave Platt.

My mind works like lightning. One brilliant flash and it is gone.

When you are arguing with an idiot, make sure the other person isn’t doing the same thing.

If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?

Living is not worth dying for.

I have a simple philosophy. Fill what’s empty. Empty what’s full. Scratch where it itches.

If I’d known I was going to live this long, I’d have taken better care of myself.

A conscience does not prevent sin. It only prevents you from enjoying it.

If you don’t know why I’m mad at you, then I’m certainly not going to tell you

Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.

Plan to be spontaneous tomorrow.

Everybody is ignorant, only on different subjects.

My favorite mythical creature? The honest politician.

We must believe in free will, we have no choice.

I used to be apathetic, but now I don’t give a damn.

When Chemists die, they barium.

Conscience is the inner voice warning us that someone may be looking.

Errors have been made. Others will be blamed.

“Inconceivable!” “I do not think that word means what you think it means.”

In the beginning, God created earth and rested. Then God created man and rested. Then God created woman. Since then, neither God nor man has rested.

If quizzes are quizzical, what are tests?

“A girl phoned me the other day and said... Come on over, there’s nobody home. I went over. Nobody was home” — Rodney Dangerfield

This guy walks into a bar and the barman says “Ouch, that must have hurt”

If Bill Gates had a nickel for every time Windows crashed... oh wait, he does.

“Thinking is the hardest work there is, which is probably why so few engage in it”. — Henry Ford

I majored in liberal arts. Will that be for here or to go?

Eschew obfuscation.

Half of being smart is knowing what you are dumb at.

I’m out of my mind, but feel free to leave a message.

People don’t grow up; they just learn how to act in public.

I’m desperately trying to figure out why kamikaze pilots wore helmets.

“You start coding. I’ll go find out what they want.” — Computer analyst to programmer

A dog that attends a flea circus most likely will steal the whole show.

Prediction is extremely difficult. Especially about the future.

I thought I wanted a career, turns out I just wanted paychecks.

Instead of getting married again, I’m going to find a woman I don’t like and just give her a house.—Rod Stewart

The trouble with jogging is that, by the time you realise you’re not in shape for it, it’s far too far to walk back.

Ours is a world where people don’t know what they want and are willing to go through hell to get it.

I Haven’t Lost My Mind, It’s Backed Up On Disk Somewhere.

People can be divided into three groups: Those who make things happen, those who watch things happen, and those who wonder what happened.

Red Tape Holds Up New Bridge!

Tell me what you need, and I’ll tell you how to get along without it.

Anyone who told you to be yourself couldn’t have given you worse advice.

Did you hear about the cross-eyed teacher who lost her job because she couldn’t control her pupils?

Everybody is somebody else’s weirdo.

“As a matter of fact” is an expression that precedes many an expression that isn’t.

Solitude is fine, but you need someone to tell you that solitude is fine.

This Would Be Really Funny If It Weren’t Happening To Me.

An egotist is a person of low taste—more interested in himself than in me.

At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be “What is hell?” Come early and listen to our choir practice.

Be kind to your dentist. He has fillings, too.

If olive oil comes from olives, where does baby oil come from?

Stupidity is not a handicap! Park somewhere else!

Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?

Be thankful for problems. If they were less difficult, someone with less ability might have your job.

Bigamy is having one wife too many. Monogamy is the same. – Oscar Wilde

My mind not only wanders, sometimes it leaves completely.

No sense being pessimistic, it probably wouldn’t work anyway.

Anywhere is walking distance, if you’ve got the time.

Knowledge is the key, but where is the damn lock?

Eagles may soar, but weasels don’t get sucked into jet engines.

There’s a difference between being open-minded and having a hole in your head

One day I will get this peer guy and reset his connection.

If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?

The trouble with our times is that the future is not what it used to be.

Somewhere on this globe, every ten seconds, is a woman giving birth to a child. She must be found and stopped.

To B or not to B? *kills the B* I HATE BEES!!!! – LynxofCP

Shin: a device for finding furniture in the dark.

My life has a superb cast but I can’t figure out the plot.

Heck is where people go who don’t believe in gosh.

I’m an idealist: I don’t know where I’m going, but I’m on my way.

Men have a much better time of it than women; for one thing, they marry later; for another thing they die earlier.

Alcohol: the cause of, and solution to, all of life’s problems.

If all you have is a hammer, everything looks like a nail.

The most precious thing we have is life. Yet it has absolutely no trade-in value.

In a Tokyo shop: Our nylons cost more than common, but you’ll find they are best in the long run.

We spend the first twelve months of our children’s lives teaching them to walk and talk and the next twelve telling them to sit down and shut up.

A conclusion is simply the place where you got tired of thinking.

If it’s 0 degrees today and it’s going to be twice as cold tomorrow... how cold will it be?

Don’t talk unless you can improve the silence.

As the light changed from red to green to yellow and back to red again, I sat there thinking about life. Was it nothing more than a bunch of honking and yelling? Sometimes it seemed that way.

I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol.

“Reading computer manuals without the hardware is as frustrating as reading sex manuals without the software.” — Arthur C. Clarke.

We Quit Voting Will They All Go Away?

A team effort is a lot of people doing what I say

Next time you wave, use all your fingers.

Success always occurs in private, and failure in full public view.

Plato is dead, Einstein is dead, and I’m not feeling too good myself...

Outside a Hong Kong tailor shop: Ladies may have a fit upstairs.

A soldier who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran.

Never underestimate the power of very stupid people in large groups.

If the human brain were so simple that we could understand it, we would be so simple we couldn’t.

Where there’s a will, I want to be in it.

Oh, don’t fuss. I just cut myself. It’s no big deal,” REALLY MEANS, “I have actually severed a limb, but will bleed to death before I admit I’m hurt.”

On a tombstone: I TOLD YOU I WAS SICK

Anything’s possible... apart from skiing through a revolving door.

Men occasionally stumble over the truth, but most of them pick themselves up and hurry off as if nothing had happened. – Winston Churchill

Being a philosopher, I have a problem for every solution.

Anything that can become tangled around something else, will.

I think that’s how Chicago got started. A bunch of people in New York said, “Gee, I’m enjoying the crime and the poverty, but it just isn’t cold enough. Let’s go west.”—Richard Jeni

Half our life is spent trying to find something to do with the time we have rushed through life trying to save.

Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?

If you don’t learn to laugh at troubles, you won’t have anything to laugh at when you grow old.

“People who drink light beer don’t like the taste of beer; they just like to pee a lot” — Rodney Dangerfield

You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say will be misquoted then used against you.

I spilled spot remover on my dog. Now he’s gone.

Under capitalism, man exploits man. Under Communism, it’s just the opposite.

“The web is a dominatrix. Every where I turn, I see little buttons ordering me to Submit.” — Nytwind.

“Auntie Em: hate you, hate Kansas, taking the dog.” – Dorothy

Only a fool is astonished by the foolishness of humankind.

I used up all my sick days, so I’m calling in dead.

Everybody lies, but it doesn’t matter since nobody listens.

Marathon runners with bad footwear suffer the agony of defeat.

If I were someone who knew something, who could I tell that would believe me?

Most vegetarians look so much like the food they eat that they can be classified as cannibals.

Don’t look back. Something may be gaining on you.

Energizer Bunny arrested: Charged with battery.

“Always in motion the future is. Seasick it makes me. That’s why so green I am”. – Yoda

“War does not determine who is right - only who is left.” – Bertrand Russell

I don’t like people who take drugs... Customs Officers for example.

At the age of six I wanted to be a cook. At seven I wanted to be Napoleon. And my ambition has been growing steadily ever since.

System Error - Windows Loaded

It’s not hard to meet expenses, they’re everywhere.

Anything not nailed down is mine. Anything I can pry loose is not nailed down.

I love work; it fascinates me; I can sit and watch it for hours.

Doctor, Doctor I keep getting pains in the eye when I drink coffee. Have you tried taking the spoon out?

It is not what a teenager knows that bothers his parents. It is how he found out.

Impotence: Nature’s Way Of Saying “No Hard Feelings”.

Confidence is the feeling you have before you understand the situation.

I married my wife for her looks... but not the ones she’s been giving me lately!

I’d like to see things your way, but I’m looking in another direction.

Hang in there; retirement is only thirty years away.

I married Miss Right. I just didn’t know her first name was Always.

“Oh dear,” said God, “I hadn’t thought of that,” and promptly vanished in a puff of logic.

“You can always count on Americans to do the right thing—after they’ve tried everything else” – Winston Churchill

What do you call a dinosaur with an extensive vocabulary? A thesaurus.

I take everything I can for my kleptomania.

How do you keep an Irishman busy? Write P.T.O on both sides of a piece of paper.

The art of flying is to throw yourself at the ground and miss.

Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

“You have to be careful about being too careful” – Beryl Pfizer

Why is the third hand on the watch called a second hand?

Authority makes some people grow – and others just swell.

The most powerful force in the universe is gossip.

Laugh at your problems; everybody else does.

What hair color do they put on the driver’s licenses of bald men?

Booze is the answer. I don’t remember the question.

A dyslexic man walks into a bra.

Laugh and the world laughs with you; snore and you sleep alone.

Don’t use a big word where a diminutive one will suffice.

“Everyday I beat my own previous record for number of consecutive days I’ve stayed alive.”

I am a nobody, nobody is perfect, therefore I’m perfect.

“I wish everyone was peaceful. Then I could take over the planet with a butter knife”—Dogbert

I haven’t spoken to my wife for 18 months: I don’t like to interrupt her.

Nobody can be exactly like me. Even I have trouble doing it.

“I am not worried about the deficit. It is big enough to take care of itself.” – Ronald Reagan

Technology is a way of organizing the universe so that man doesn’t have to experience it.

If trees could scream, would we be so cavalier about cutting them down? We might, if they screamed all the time, for no good reason.

Support bacteria – they’re the only culture some people have.

A great many people think they are thinking when they are merely rearranging their prejudices.

I’m in no shape to exercise.

Humour. It is a difficult concept. It is not logical.

Life is far too important to be taken seriously.

I envy people who drink – at least they know what to blame everything on.

Eagles may soar, but weasels don’t get sucked into jet engines.

Bacteria: the only culture some people have.

Sometimes I wake up grumpy; other times I let her sleep

He often broke into song because he couldn’t find the key.

Some people are going to leave a mark on this world, while others will leave a stain.

If you can’t convince them, confuse them.

If a woman has to choose between catching a fly ball and saving an infant’s life, she will choose to save the infant’s life without even considering if there is a man on base.—Dave Barry

He does the work of three men: Larry, Moe and Curly.

Lots of people know a good thing the minute the other fellow sees it first.

There are three ways to get something done: do it yourself, hire someone, or forbid your kids to do it.

It doesn’t matter what temperature the room is; it’s always room temperature.

I can please only one person per day. Today is not your day. Tomorrow isn’t looking good either.

I wonder how much deeper would the ocean be without sponges.

“Things are more like they are now than they ever were before.” – Former U.S. President Dwight D. Eisenhower

When I was young, I could remember anything. Whether it happened or not.

If I were two-faced, would I be wearing this one?

I don’t meet competition. I crush it

Remember... Marriage is the number one cause of divorce. Statistically, 100% of all divorces started with marriage.

A guy got arrested for playing the guitar. He was fingering a minor.

When in trouble, fear or doubt, run in circles, scream and shout.

If you’re not wasted, the day is.

If at first you don’t succeed, skydiving is not your sport.

To succeed in politics, it is often necessary to rise above your principles.

Latest survey shows that 3 out of 4 people make up 75% of the world’s population.

Eat a live toad first thing in the morning, and nothing worse can happen to you the rest of the day.

“If women didn’t exist, all the money in the world would have no meaning.” – Aristotle Onassis

“I would like to live in Manchester, England. The transition between Manchester and death would be unnoticeable”. — Mark Twain

“C++ : Where friends have access to your private members.” — Gavin Russell Baker.

Take my advice, I don’t use it anyway.

Nothing means nothing, but it isn’t really nothing because nothing is something that isn’t.

There are only three kinds of people; people who can count and people who can’t.

Who is General Failure and why is he reading my hard disk?

“I’d rather have a bottle in front of me, than a frontal lobotomy”. — Tom Waits

History will be kind to me for I intend to write it. – Winston Churchill

Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.

“How come we choose from just two people to run for president and 50 for Miss America?”

A bargain is something you don’t need at a price you can’t resist.

When all other means of communication fail, try words.

Blessed are those who can laugh at themselves, they will never cease to be amused.

If you can’t be kind, at least have the decency to be vague.

“My computer NEVER loc

If life was fair, Elvis would be alive and all the impersonators would be dead.

I’d explain it to you, but your brain would explode.

I am obviously right, and as you disagree with me, then logically you must be wrong.

“If builders built buildings the way programmers write programs, then the first woodpecker that came along would destroy civilization” — Weinberg’s Second Law.

Someday we’ll look back on all this and plow into the back of a parked car.

I’m not afraid of heights, only widths.

Those who can laugh without cause have either found the true meaning of happiness or have gone stark raving mad.

When your IQ reaches 80 –– sell.

Character is what you are in the dark.

Leftists are among the first to speak of their rights.

Money is better than poverty, if only for financial reasons.

Lead us not into temptation. Just tell us where it is; we’ll find it.

Never put off until tomorrow what you can avoid altogether.

The short fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.

My husband and I divorced over religious differences... He thought he was God and I didn’t.

Climbers aim for the summit because it is there. Bungi jumpers dive off the top because they aren’t all there.

A penny saved is a Congressional spending oversight.

It’s important to be open-minded, but not SO open-minded that your brains fall out.

I’m sorry; you cannot have an outlook on life because it isn’t responding. Microsoft apologises for any inconvenience.

All the toilets in New York’s police stations have been stolen. The police have nothing to go on.

Birthdays are good for you. Statistics show that the people who have the most live the longest.

Mind like a steel trap – rusty and illegal in most states.

In a Rome laundry: Ladies, leave your clothes here and spend the afternoon having a good time.

Venison for dinner again? Oh deer!

Illiterate? Write For Help.

If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?

Never go to a doctor whose office plants have died.

Cheerfulness is contagious, but don’t wait to catch it from others. Be a carrier.

Any task worth doing was worth doing yesterday.

When you do not know what you are doing, do it neatly.

Always try to be modest and be proud of it!

If ever I get married again it would have to be under an anaesthetic.

PMS jokes aren’t funny. Period.

Warning: Dates in Calendar are closer than they appear.

Help Wanted: Telepath. You know where to apply.

I laugh in the face of danger, except if I’m involved.

I want to die peacefully in my sleep like my grandfather, not screaming in abject horror like his passengers.

“Your mouse has moved. Windows must be restarted for the change to take effect. Reboot now ? [OK]”

Compromise: the art of dividing a cake so that everybody believes he or she got the biggest piece.

One of the greatest labour-saving inventions today is tomorrow.

I’m not into working out. My philosophy: No pain, no pain.

A hangover is the wrath of grapes.

Cab drivers are living proof that practice does not make perfect.

Be nice to your kids. They’ll choose your nursing home.

Accept that some days you’re the pigeon, and some days you’re the statue.

“I’ve noticed that everyone who is for abortion has already been born.” – Ronald Reagan

Some people are alive only because it’s illegal to kill them.

My schoolmates would make love to anything that moved, but I never saw any reason to limit myself.

Quantum mechanics: The dreams stuff is made of.

The number of people watching you is directly proportional to the stupidity of your action.

Borrow money from pessimists- they don’t expect to get it back.

Always remember you’re unique, just like everyone else.

An egotist has one point in his favour – he doesn’t go round talking about other people.

A cartoonist was found dead in his home. Details are sketchy.

I used to think I was indecisive, but now I’m not sure.

Everybody has a photographic memory. Some don’t have film.

It is hard enough to remember my opinions, without also remembering my reasons for them!

This mind intentionally left blank

You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They left a little note on the windscreen, it said ‘Parking Fine.’

Whenever there is any doubt, there is no doubt.

My one regret in life is that I am not someone else.

Cleverly Disguised As A Responsible Adult.

Ninety-nine per cent of the people in the world are fools and the rest of us are in great danger of contagion.

An army of deer led by a lion is more to be feared than an army of lions led by a deer.

Keyboard not detected. Press F1 to continue

Anyone can admit they were wrong; the true test is admitting it to someone else.

When he first ran for office, he appealed to the voters: “I never stole anything in my life. All I ask is a chance.”

Applying computer technology is simply finding the right wrench to pound in the correct screw.

Some pain is physical, and some is mental, but one that’s both is dental.

Time is God’s way of keeping everything from happening at once.

He’s so lazy. I’ve seen him step into a revolving door and wait.

Cole’s Law: Thinly sliced cabbage.

If it weren’t for the last minute, nothing would ever get done.

The best computer is a man, and it’s the only one that can be mass-produced by unskilled labour.

Perhaps you’re diagonally parked in a parallel universe?

A printer consists of three main parts: the case, the jammed paper tray and the blinking red light

The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.

If we aren’t supposed to eat animals, why are they made of meat?

“There are two major products that come out of Berkeley: LSD and UNIX. We don’t believe this to be a coincidence.” — Jeremy S. Anderson

I used to find him boring until I stopped listening.


Macho Law prohibits me from admitting I’m wrong.

“When in doubt tell the truth.”—Mark Twain

I installed a skylight in my apartment. The people who live above me are furious.

Honk if you love peace and quiet.

Jack and Jill did it for the insurance.

“Few things are harder to put up with than a good example.”—Mark Twain

99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.

Youth would be an ideal state if it came a little later in life.

Why is the man that invests your money called a broker?

On the plus side, death is one of the few things that can be done just as easily as lying down.

The trouble with life is there’s no background music.

Even paranoids have real enemies.

How do you sink an Irish Submarine? Knock on the hatch.

Get even – live long enough to be a problem to your kids.

I don’t have an attitude problem. You have a perception problem.

I am free of all prejudices. I hate everyone equally.

Stupidity is not a handicap. Park elsewhere!

What’s another word for Thesaurus?

The sooner you fall behind the more time you’ll have to catch up.

Horn broken. Watch for finger. (on bumper sticker)

If you think nobody cares if you’re alive, try missing a couple of car payments.

For people who like peace and quiet – a phoneless cord.

“I believe in equality for everyone, except reporters and photographers”. — Gandhi

I hate women because they always know where things are.

It is hard to understand how a cemetery raised its burial charges and blamed it on the cost of living.

I have had more trouble with myself than with any other man I’ve met.

The only difference between Genius and Insanity... is success.

To find out a girl’s faults, praise her to her girl friends.

How do you spot an Irishman at a carwash? He’s the one on the bike.

Whenever people agree with me, I always feel I must be wrong.

Love is like an hourglass, with the heart filling up as the brain empties.

Don’t use a big word where a diminutive one will suffice.

It’s not that I’m afraid to die; I just don’t want to be there when it happens.

Good judgement comes from experience. Experience comes from bad judgement.

Man shoots neighbour with machete [The Miami Herald, July 3]

I am amazed at radio DJ’s today. I am firmly convinced that AM on my radio stands for Absolute Moron. I will not begin to tell you what FM stands for.

On the keyboard of life, always keep one finger on the escape key.

After all is said and done, more is said than done.

Seen it all, done it all, can’t remember most of it.

We have two ends. One for sitting and one for thinking. Our success depends on which one we use most.

A day without sun shine is like, you know, night.

Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?

You can say any foolish thing to a dog, and the dog will give you a look that says, “My God, you’re right! I never would’ve thought of that!”

Bacteria: the only culture some people have.

Roses are red, Violets are blue. In Soviet Russia, Poems write you.

Don’t marry for money. You can borrow it cheaper.

I have noticed that the people who are late are often so much jollier that the people who have to wait for them.

My girlfriend told me I should be more affectionate. So I got two more girlfriends.

Remember, half the people you know are below average.

Everything you like is bad for you in some way.

Doctor, Doctor You’ve got to help me – I just can’t stop my hands shaking. Do you drink a lot? Not really – I spill most of it!

Comedy is tragedy plus time.

Sex on television can’t hurt you unless you fall off.

“A patriot must always be ready to defend his country against his government”. — Edward Abbey

Show me a piano falling down a mineshaft and I’ll show you A-flat minor.

“I worked in a pet shop and people kept asking how big I’d get” — Rodney Dangerfield

A person who smiles in the face of adversity... probably has a scapegoat.

An Irish man was driving to the airport when he saw a sign saying ‘Airport – Left’... So he went home.

I have spent my whole life looking for the perfect woman, and now I’ve found her. Too bad she’s looking for the perfect man.

I was at a bar nursing a beer. My nipple was getting quite soggy.

It has recently been discovered that research causes cancer in rats.

There is nothing so annoying as to have two people go right on talking when you’re interrupting.

I have kleptomania, but when it gets bad, I take something for it. ~ Robert Benchle

I plead contemporary insanity.

This comment is printed on 100% recycled electrons.

There are two types of people in this world, good and bad. The good sleep better, but the bad seem to enjoy the waking hours much more.

If you’re born again, do you have two bellybuttons?

Seeing a murder on television...will help work off one’s antagonisms. And if you haven’t any antagonisms, the commercials will give you some.

I’m reading a book about anti-gravity. I can’t put it down.

A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a train stops. On my desk I have a workstation...

“I could tell that my parents hated me. My bath toys were a toaster and a radio” — Rodney Dangerfield

The dictionary is the only place where success comes before work.

Advertisement for donkey rides in Thailand: Would you like to ride on your own ass?

“I have left orders to be awakened at any time in case of national emergency – even if I’m in a Cabinet meeting.” – Ronald Reagan

Before you give a colleague a piece of your mind, be sure you can spare it.

Plagiarism saves time.

“My wife made me join a bridge club. I jump off next Tuesday” — Rodney Dangerfield

Santa’s helpers are subordinate clauses.

I don’t necessarily agree with everything I say.

Broken pencils are pointless.

All men are equal. Some are just more equal than others.

I took an IQ test and the results were negative.

If you choke a smurf, what colour does it turn?

“Every mighty oak was once just a nut who stood his ground.”

When in doubt, mumble.

I tried to photograph the fog, but I mist.

So Many Pedestrians – So Little Time.

There is no such thing as an underestimate of average intelligence

Years ago fairy tales began with “Once upon a time...” Now it’s “If I am elected...”

I fear my inferiority complex is not as good as yours.

I thought I made a mistake once, but I was wrong.

The more time you spend in reporting on what you are doing, the less time you have to do it in. Stability is achieved when you spend all your time doing nothing but reporting on the nothing you are doing.

If at first you don’t succeed, try management.

Everyone hates me because I’m paranoid.

“Banking establishments are more dangerous than standing armies”. — Thomas Jefferson

Proofread carefully to see if you any words out.

Hope sees the invisible, feels the intangible and achieves the impossible.

I’ve been trying for some time to develop a life style that doesn’t require my presence.

Be careful when reading health books; you may die of a misprint.

Why is it called tourist season if we can’t shoot at them?

I couldn’t repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.

As long as there are tests, there will be prayer in public schools.

Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7th of your life.

Not all men are annoying. Some are dead.

Sheep don’t fly so much as plummet.

Time is a great teacher, but unfortunately it kills all its pupils.

Some people say that I must be a horrible person, but that’s not true. I have the heart of a young boy – in a jar on my desk.

Age is a very high price to pay for maturity.

I used to be a Kleptomaniac, But now I’m taking something for it

“How can a president not be an actor?” – when asked “How could an actor become president?” – Ronald Reagan

If con is the opposite of pro, congress is the opposite of progress.

I’m not dumb; I just have a command of thoroughly useless information.

I like children. Properly cooked.

Man does not live by words alone, despite the fact that sometimes he has to eat them.

The dumber people think you are, the more surprised they’re going to be when you kill them—Rodney Dangerfield

Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy.

“The best thing about the future is that it comes only one day at a time.” – Abraham Lincoln

It is a small world, but I wouldn’t like to have to paint it.

Chipped dishes never break.

I don’t enjoy computer jokes; not one bit.

Half of the people in the world are below average.

Love is blind, but marriage is a real eye-opener.

Never put both feet in your mouth at the same time, because then you don’t have a leg to stand on.

Last night I lay in bed looking up at the stars in the sky and I thought to myself, “Where the heck is the ceiling?”

If you do not make dust, you eat dust.

In a Budapest zoo: Please do not feed the animals. If you have any suitable food, give it to the guard on duty.

I like to start my periods with sentences.

The human brain is a wonderful thing. It starts working the moment you are born, and never stops until you stand up to speak in public.

Hemp is a herb. Bush is a dope.

In the beginning, there was nothing. Then God said, “Let there be light,” and there was still nothing, but you could see it.

Lord, if you won’t make me skinny, please make all my friends fat.

It is not my interest to pay the principal, nor my principal to pay the interest.

Velcro — what a rip off!

Democracy is a government where you can say what you think even if you don’t think.

Hard work never killed anybody but why take the chance?

Time flies like an arrow – fruit flies like a banana.

If you want a committed man, look in a mental hospital.

If the world should blow itself up, the last audible voice would be that of an expert saying it can’t be done.

“Blink your eyelids periodically to lubricate your eyes.” — Page 16 of the HP “Environmental, Health Safety Handbook for Employees”.

Jokes about German sausage are the wurst.

“#define QUESTION ((bb) || !(bb))” — Shakespeare

For Sale: Parachute. Only used once, never opened, small stain.

People who think they know everything are annoying to those of us who do.

Money can’t buy happiness, but it sure makes misery easier to live with.

The only perfect science is hindsight.

It is a fitting irony that under Richard Nixon, ‘launder’ became a dirty word.

Does your train of thought have a caboose?

People with narrow minds usually have broad tongues.

How do I set a laser printer to stun?

I had amnesia once or twice.

As a final incentive before giving up a difficult task, try to imagine it successfully accomplished by someone you violently dislike.

Man who drive like hell bound to get there.

Why does Sea World have a seafood restaurant? I’m halfway through my fish burger and I realize, Oh my gosh... I could be eating a slow learner.

Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don’t.

I love deadlines. I especially like the whooshing sound they make as they go flying by.

Marriage is not a word; it is a sentence.

I like kids, but I don’t think I could eat a whole one.

Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying of nothing.

A bachelor is a man who comes to work from a different direction each morning.

Quantum: Noun, word used to sound like I know what I’m talking about while discussing physics I’ve never actually studied.

I don’t believe in astrology. I am a Sagittarius and we’re very skeptical. ~ Arthur C. Clarke

If you try and don’t succeed, cheat. Repeat until caught. Then lie.

A poor excuse is like an old bucket; doesn’t matter what shape it is in, as long as it holds water.

I stayed up all night to see where the sun went. Then it dawned on me.

We waste time, so you don’t have to.

I don’t suffer from stress. I’m a carrier.

I spent most of my money on booze, drugs and women... The rest I wasted!

Chaos, panic, & disorder – my work here is done.

The beatings will continue until morale improves.

It’s hard to face the problem, when the problem is your face.

There are 10 types of people in the world: Those who understand binary, and those who don’t.

Don’t Be Sexist – Broads Hate That.

Arguing on the Internet is like competing in the Special Olympics – even if you win, you are still retarded.

It used to be only death and taxes were inevitable. Now, of course, there’s shipping and handling, too.

Snowmen fall from Heaven unassembled.

Mental Floss prevents Moral Decay.

Laughing stock: cattle with a sense of humour.

Democracy is a process by which people are free to choose the man who will get the blame.

The difference between a stepping-stone and a stumbling block can be when you see it.

Haunted French pancakes give me the crêpes.

The secret of success is sincerity. Once you can fake that you’ve got it made.

“If carrots are so good for the eyes, how come I see so many dead rabbits on the highway?”

“I’ve been on a calendar but I have never been on time” – Marilyn Monroe

If at first you don’t succeed, destroy all the evidence that you tried.

Englishmen never will be slaves: they are free to do whatever the Government and public opinion allow them to do.

Everybody is ignorant, only on different subjects.

Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.

They say if you play a Microsoft CD backwards you hear satanic messages. That’s nothing, if you play it forwards it installs Windows.

Brain: an apparatus with which we think we think.

Make sure your mind isn’t so open that your brains fall out.

My husband says I never listen to him (at least I think that’s what he said)

Before marriage, a man yearns for the woman he loves. After marriage, the ‘Y’ becomes silent.

The illegal we do immediately. The unconstitutional takes a little longer. – Henry Kissinger

“On two occasions I have been asked [by members of Parliament!]: ‘Pray, Mr. Babbage, if you put into the machine wrong figures, will the right answers come out ?’ I am not able rightly to apprehend the kind of confusion of ideas that could provoke such a question.” — Charles Babbage.

I stayed up all night to see where the sun went. Then it dawned on me.

Better to remain silent and be thought a fool, than to speak and remove all doubt.

He’s not dead, he’s electroencephalographically challenged.

Consciousness: that annoying time between naps.

Allow me to introduce my selves.

A clean tie attracts the soup of the day.

The scientific theory I like best is that the rings of Saturn are composed entirely of lost airline luggage.

You’re such an inspiration for the way I’ll never choose to be.

If you can’t dazzle them with brilliance... just baffle them with bullsh*t.

Just remember... if the world didn’t suck, we’d all fall off.

I think, therefore I am single.

“When you starve with a tiger, the tiger starves last”. — Griffin’s Thought

Does this smell like chloroform to you?

Isn’t having a smoking section in a restaurant like having a peeing section in a swimming pool?

Acupuncture is a jab well done.

If everything is coming your way, you are probably in the wrong lane.

How can you come out of a closet if you never went in there in the first place?

Sheep don’t fly so much as plummet.

Killed - Personality Incompatibility

On the other hand you have different fingers.

Once, during prohibition, I was forced to live for days on nothing but food and water.

Marriage changes passion... suddenly you’re in bed with a relative.

Never buy a car you can’t push.

Experience is simply the name we give our mistakes.

Two strings walk into a bar. The first string says to the bartender, “Bartender, I’ll have a beer. u.5n$x5t?*&4ru!2[sACCErJ”. The second string says, “Pardon my friend, he isn’t NULL terminated”.

Pick your friends but not to pieces.

When I was a boy I was told that anybody could become president; I’m beginning to believe it.

Statistics are like bikinis – What they reveal is suggestive, but what they conceal is vital.

I can resist everything except temptation.

Money is flat and meant to be piled up. – Scottish Proverb

There are very few personal problems that cannot be solved through a suitable application of high explosives.

If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?

Work: It isn’t just for sleeping anymore.

When I’m not in my right mind, my left mind gets pretty crowded

I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.

Abel Tasman on discovering Tasmania, “Too far south for spices and too close to the rim of the earth to be inhabited by anything but freaks and monsters”

Caution – Driver Legally Blonde!

God must love stupid people, he made so many.

I majored in liberal arts. Will that be for here or to go?

Women like silent men. They think they’re listening.

I live in my own little world, but it’s ok they know me here.

Legend: a lie that has attained the dignity of age.

Early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.

If I have to work for an idiot, I might as well work for myself.

I tried sniffing Coke once, but the ice cubes got stuck in my nose.

If you want your spouse to listen and pay strict attention to every word you say, talk in your sleep.

That which cannot be taken apart will fall apart.

Get a new car for your spouse – it’ll be a great trade!

Make three correct guesses consecutively and you will establish yourself as an expert.

Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian any more than going to the garage makes you a car.

I was the next door kid’s imaginary friend.

Men don’t care what’s on TV. They only care what else is on TV.

I wished the buck stopped here, as I could use a few.

I am not a vegetarian because I love animals; I am a vegetarian because I hate plants.

You’ll never get to heaven if you’re scared of getting high.

Optimists believe we live on the greatest world. Pessimists believe this is true.

If we don’t succeed, we run the risk of failure.

I have great faith in fools; my friends call it self-confidence.

Progress was all right. Only it went on too long.

I dropped out of communism class because of lousy Marx.

I’m an apathetic sociopath – I’d kill you if I cared.

You can always spot a well-informed man – his views are the same as yours.

If you can’t convince them, confuse them.

It is even harder for the average ape to believe that he has descended from man.

Every time I look at you I get a fierce desire to be lonesome.

I used to think I was indecisive, but now I’m not sure.

Five out of four people have trouble with fractions.

Procrastinate Now!

I think animal testing is a terrible idea; they get all nervous and give the wrong answers.

“I think there is a world market for maybe five computers.” — Thomas Watson, chairman of IBM, 1943.

I hope that after I die, people will say of me: “That guy sure owed me a lot of money.”

A synonym is a word you use when you can’t spell the word you first thought of.

Man who eat many prunes get good run for money.

I wondered why the baseball was getting bigger. Then it hit me.

Of course, we are all worms—but I like to think, at least, that I am a glow-worm. – Winston Churchill

Experience is something you do not get until just after you need it.

I don’t approve of political jokes... I’ve seen too many of them get elected.

Don’t stop to stomp on ants when the elephants are stampeding.

I either want less corruption, or more chance to participate in it.

“Life is a waste of time, time is a waste of life, so get wasted all of the time and have the time of your life”. — Tom Waits

Whenever I feel like exercise, I lie down until the feeling passes.

Smith & Wesson — the original point and click interface.

If you can stay calm, while all around you is chaos... then you probably haven’t completely understood the situation.

I got a job at a bakery because I kneaded dough.

“This report, by its very length, defends itself against the risk of being read”. — Winston Churchill

A procrastinator’s work is never done.

If people concentrated on the really important things in life, there’d be a shortage of fishing poles.

Wine divulges truth.

I had some words with my wife, and she had some paragraphs with me.

How did Moses make his tea? Hebrews it.

Genius is 1% inspiration, and 99% perspiration.

Politicians are people who, when they see the light at the end of the tunnel, go out and buy more tunnel.

Two signs from a Majorcan shop entrance: English well speaking / Here speeching American.

Cluster bombing from B-52s is very, very accurate – the bombs always hit the ground.

If it’s true that we are here to help others, then what exactly are the others here for?

The day I can’t do my job drunk is the day I turn in my badge and gun.

“You, you and you: panic. The rest of you, come with me.”

Well, this day was a total waste of makeup.

“This ‘telephone’ has too many shortcomings to be seriously considered as a means of communication.” — Western Union internal memo, 1876.

Connection Reset - Insufficient Electrons

If you don’t pay your exorcist you get repossessed.

“Einstein argued that there must be simplified explanations of nature, because God is not capricious or arbitrary. No such faith comforts the software engineer.” — Fred Brooks.

Shin: a device for finding furniture in the dark.

I have the body of a GOD – Buddha.

They say you only use ten percent of your brain. What about the other ten?

If At First You Don’t Succeed... Blame Someone Else And Seek Counseling.

He who laughs last thinks slowest.

Is there life before death?

Well, if I called the wrong number, why did you answer the phone?

I love cats – they taste just like chicken.

I changed my iPod’s name to Titanic. It’s syncing now.

If sex is such a natural phenomenon, how come there are so many books on how to do it.

When a clock is hungry, it goes back four seconds.

I get enough exercise just pushing my luck.

System Error - Windows Loaded

“The generation of random numbers is too important to be left to chance.” — Robert R. Coveyou, Oak Ridge National Laboratory.

Streakers beware: Your end is in sight.

Where do you find an Irish woodworm? Dead inside a brick.

I love being married. It’s so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.

It’s just a job. Grass grows, birds fly, waves pound the sand. I just beat people up. – Muhammad Ali

Fundamentalism: Believe in a kind, loving God or we’ll kill you!

What does a clock do when it’s hungry? It goes back four seconds.

Go the extra mile. It makes your boss look like an incompetent slacker.

Democracy is the recurrent suspicion that more than half of the people are right more than half of the time.

Nick Overruled - Democratic Majority Decision

Being single is like a vacuum. It sucks when you are turned on.

If automobiles had followed the same development cycle as the computer, a Rolls Royce would today cost $100, get a million miles per gallon, and explode once a year, killing everyone inside.

Time’s fun when you’re having flies... Kermit the Frog

I always wanted to be somebody, but I should have been more specific.

A baby sitter is a teenager acting like an adult while the adults are out acting like teenagers.

Man who run behind car get exhausted.

No problem is so big and complicated that it can’t be ran away from.

Age is an issue of mind over matter. If you don’t mind, it doesn’t matter.

Age is a question of mind over matter. If you don’t mind, it don’t matter.

The truth is a precious commodity. That’s why I use it so sparingly.

What Has Four Legs And An Arm? A Happy Pit Bull.

A pessimist is a man who has been compelled to live with an optimist

Ever stop to think and forget to start again?

Programmer – A red-eyed, mumbling mammal capable of conversing with inanimate objects.

If you don’t know where you are going, you might wind up someplace else.

Needing someone is like needing a parachute. If he isn’t there the first time you need him, chances are you won’t be needing him again.

Some people are alive only because it’s illegal to kill them.

I did a theatrical performance about puns. It was a play on words.

Age always corresponds inversely to the size of your multivitamin.

Blessed are the young, for they shall inherit the national debt.

One good thing about repeating your mistakes is that you know when to cringe.

Am I getting smart with you? How would you know?

Everything is possible; just not too probable.

Man who run in front of car get tired.

Gossip: The art of saying nothing while leaving nothing unsaid.

111,111,111 x 111,111,111 = 12,345,678,987,654,321

Just because you’re not paranoid doesn’t mean they’re not out to get you.

Promises are like babies: fun to make, but hell to deliver.

Early to rise, early to bed, makes a man healthy but socially dead.

There are 3 kinds of people: those who can count and those who can’t.

The surprising thing about young fools is how many survive to become old fools.

I always wanted to be a procrastinator, never got around to it though.

If puns were outlawed, only outlaws would have puns.

I took a speed reading course and read ‘War and Peace’ in twenty minutes. It involves Russia. Enough women for four.

Never argue with an idiot. They drag you down to their level then beat you with experience.

You can’t have everything. Where would you put it?

If at first you do succeed, try to hide your astonishment.

Modesty is a virtue of fools.

I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.

Cheer up, the worst is yet to come.

The earthquake in Washington obviously was the government’s fault.

The trouble with the rat race is that even if you win, you’re still a rat.

Jokes about German sausage are the wurst.

Youth is a wonderful thing. What a crime to waste it on children.

The only reason some people get lost in thought is because it’s unfamiliar territory.

Partying... oops No Only Parting... sorry

Maybe I’m lucky to be going so slowly, because I may be going in the wrong direction.

All my life, I always wanted to be somebody. Now I see that I should have been more specific.

Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

You look like a million dollars. All green and wrinkled.

Always do sober what you said you’d do drunk. That will teach you to keep your mouth shut.

“Are you going to come quietly, or do I have to use earplugs?”—Vale Spike Milligan

“Always be sincere, even when you don’t mean it”. — Irene Peter

Someone sent me a postcard picture of the earth. On the back it said, “Wish you were here.”

Slow is when someone laps you in the hundred-yard dash

Everyone needs belief in something. I believe I’ll have another beer.

Hypochondria is the only disease I haven’t got.

England has no kidney bank, but it does have a Liverpool.

Where you stand depends on where you sit.

If the French were really intelligent, they’d speak English.

It’s strange, isn’t it. You stand in the middle of a library and go aaaaagghhhh’ and everyone just stares at you. But you do the same thing on an aeroplane, and everyone joins in.

I heard a man say that brigands demand your money or your life, whereas women require both.

Raising teenagers is like trying to nail Jell-O to a tree.

Friends may come and go, but enemies accumulate

Why is it that doctors call what they do “practice”?

My parents stayed together for forty years, but that was out of spite.

“Hey, I’ve got reasons for what I’m doing,” REALLY MEANS, “I sure hope I think of some pretty soon.”

One good turn gets most of the blankets.

“They say hard work never hurt anybody, but I figure why take the chance.” – Ronald Reagan

A bird in the hand is safer than one overhead.

Madness takes its toll. Please have exact change.

Life... I don’t get it...

Computers make it easy to do a lot of things, but most of the things that make it easier to do don’t need to be done.

My reality check just bounced.

If at first you don’t succeed, try, try again. Then quit. There’s no use being a damned fool about it.

How Many Roads Must A Man Travel Down Before He Admits He Is Lost?

Moderation in all things, including moderation.

If it weren’t for electricity we’d all be watching television by candlelight?

A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat.

Outside of a dog, a book is probably man’s best friend, and inside of a dog, it’s too dark to read.

We’ve made great medical progress in the last generation. What used to be merely an itch is now an allergy.

From the moment I picked your book up until I laid it down I was convulsed with laughter. Some day I intend reading it.

The doctor can bury his mistakes but an architect can only advise his client to plant vines.

I don’t suffer from stress. I’m a carrier.

Without question, the greatest invention in the history of mankind is beer. Oh, I grant you that the wheel was also a fine invention, but the wheel does not go nearly as well with pizza.

Anything not nailed down is a cat toy.

What if there were no hypothetical questions?

Tips for Vegetarians: Hit a chicken enough times and it turns into a vegetable.

Honesty is the best policy, but insanity is a better defence.

Men’s faults are many, women have only two. Everything they say, and everything they do.

It’s not true that married men live longer than single men. It only seems longer.

Best way to get a man to do something, is to suggest they are too old for it.

Remember the teakettle; though up to its neck in hot water, it continues to sing.

A study in the Washington Post says that women have better verbal skills than men. I just want to say to the authors of that study: “Duh.”— Conan O’Brien

I work hard because millions on welfare depend on me.

Succeed in spite of management. Aim Low; Reach Your Goals, Avoid Disappointment.

I intend to live forever – so far, so good.

If you’re not confused, you’re not paying attention.

Insanity is hereditary; you can get it from your children.

Mines are equal opportunity weapons.

You have the right to your opinions. I just don’t want to hear them.

To define recursion, we must first define recursion.

Military intelligence is a contradiction in terms.

A bird does not sing because it has an answer—it sings because it has a song.

According to recent study someone is run over by a car every 5 minutes in the city. You’d think the guy would have enough sense to get out of the street.

Submit a quote