Amusing Quotes & One-Liners — Ned Martin’s Amused

Amusing Quotes & One-Liners

The trouble with life is there’s no background music.

“Always be sincere, even when you don’t mean it”. — Irene Peter

A dog that attends a flea circus most likely will steal the whole show.

An Apple a day keeps the doctor away. But... an onion a day keeps everyone away.

I don’t necessarily agree with everything I say.

“I’d rather have a bottle in front of me, than a frontal lobotomy”. — Tom Waits

The early bird gets the worm, but the early worm gets eaten.

Sometimes I think the surest sign that intelligent life exists elsewhere in the universe is that none of it has tried to contact us.

When in doubt, mumble.

An egotist is a person of low taste—more interested in himself than in me.

Abel Tasman on discovering Tasmania, “Too far south for spices and too close to the rim of the earth to be inhabited by anything but freaks and monsters”

England has no kidney bank, but it does have a Liverpool.

“You have to be careful about being too careful” – Beryl Pfizer

Character is what you are in the dark.

“How can a president not be an actor?” – when asked “How could an actor become president?” – Ronald Reagan

Sometimes I wake up grumpy; other times I let her sleep

“I worked in a pet shop and people kept asking how big I’d get” — Rodney Dangerfield

I used up all my sick days, so I’m calling in dead.

A day without sun shine is like, you know, night.

Mines are equal opportunity weapons.

Accept that some days you’re the pigeon, and some days you’re the statue.

When your IQ reaches 80 –– sell.

Cluster bombing from B-52s is very, very accurate – the bombs always hit the ground.

Hypochondria is the only disease I haven’t got.

After all is said and done, more is said than done.

Marriage is a three-ring circus: engagement ring, wedding ring, and suffering.

A conscience does not prevent sin. It only prevents you from enjoying it.

It is well to remember the entire population of the universe, with one trifling exception, is composed of others.

Before marriage, a man yearns for the woman he loves. After marriage, the ‘Y’ becomes silent.

Chipped dishes never break.

e=mc^2 where m = the number of cooks required to spoil the broth

“A patriot must always be ready to defend his country against his government”. — Edward Abbey


Doctor, Doctor I keep getting pains in the eye when I drink coffee. Have you tried taking the spoon out?

What does a clock do when it’s hungry? It goes back four seconds.

Money can’t buy happiness, but it sure makes misery easier to live with.

If at first you don’t succeed, try management.

Remember the teakettle; though up to its neck in hot water, it continues to sing.

My parents stayed together for forty years, but that was out of spite.

Knowledge is the key, but where is the damn lock?

Save the whales. Collect the whole set.

Eagles may soar, but weasels don’t get sucked into jet engines.

Insanity is hereditary; you can get it from your children.

Experience is something you do not get until just after you need it.

In a Budapest zoo: Please do not feed the animals. If you have any suitable food, give it to the guard on duty.

111,111,111 x 111,111,111 = 12,345,678,987,654,321

Early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.

I have noticed that the people who are late are often so much jollier that the people who have to wait for them.

A great many people think they are thinking when they are merely rearranging their prejudices.

Always do sober what you said you’d do drunk. That will teach you to keep your mouth shut.

Cole’s Law: Thinly sliced cabbage.

I had amnesia once or twice.

What happens if you get scared half to death twice?

That which cannot be taken apart will fall apart.

The short fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.

Broken pencils are pointless.

Support bacteria – they’re the only culture some people have.

There are 10 types of people in the world: Those who understand binary, and those who don’t.

If you’re not wasted, the day is.

The man who fell into an upholstery machine is fully recovered.

This guy walks into a bar and the barman says “Ouch, that must have hurt”

Gossip: The art of saying nothing while leaving nothing unsaid.

Don’t marry for money. You can borrow it cheaper.

So Many Pedestrians – So Little Time.

Lead us not into temptation. Just tell us where it is; we’ll find it.

“If carrots are so good for the eyes, how come I see so many dead rabbits on the highway?”

Remember... Marriage is the number one cause of divorce. Statistically, 100% of all divorces started with marriage.

Proofread carefully to see if you any words out.

Originality is the fine art of remembering what you hear, but forgetting where you heard it.

A person who smiles in the face of adversity... probably has a scapegoat.

TEAMWORK... means never having to take all the blame yourself.

“Reading computer manuals without the hardware is as frustrating as reading sex manuals without the software.” — Arthur C. Clarke.

“You can always count on Americans to do the right thing—after they’ve tried everything else” – Winston Churchill

I think that’s how Chicago got started. A bunch of people in New York said, “Gee, I’m enjoying the crime and the poverty, but it just isn’t cold enough. Let’s go west.”—Richard Jeni

How Many Roads Must A Man Travel Down Before He Admits He Is Lost?

Men have a much better time of it than women; for one thing, they marry later; for another thing they die earlier.

I fear my inferiority complex is not as good as yours.

When you are arguing with an idiot, make sure the other person isn’t doing the same thing.

We have two ends. One for sitting and one for thinking. Our success depends on which one we use most.

If Bill Gates had a nickel for every time Windows crashed... oh wait, he does.

There are very few personal problems that cannot be solved through a suitable application of high explosives.

I wonder how much deeper would the ocean be without sponges.

Booze is the answer. I don’t remember the question.

I’m not dumb; I just have a command of thoroughly useless information.

“Few things are harder to put up with than a good example.”—Mark Twain

People don’t grow up; they just learn how to act in public.

When a clock is hungry, it goes back four seconds.

Man who eat many prunes get good run for money.

If people concentrated on the really important things in life, there’d be a shortage of fishing poles.

If you can’t convince them, confuse them.

Shin: a device for finding furniture in the dark.

I got a job at a bakery because I kneaded dough.

Lots of people know a good thing the minute the other fellow sees it first.

The amount of work to be done increases in proportion to the amount of work already completed. — VAIL’S SECOND AXIOM

If at first you don’t succeed, skydiving is not your sport.

Next time you wave, use all your fingers.

I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.

Men’s faults are many, women have only two. Everything they say, and everything they do.

Smith & Wesson — the original point and click interface.

When Chemists die, they barium.

Never put off until tomorrow what you can avoid altogether.

I am amazed at radio DJ’s today. I am firmly convinced that AM on my radio stands for Absolute Moron. I will not begin to tell you what FM stands for.

You have the right to your opinions. I just don’t want to hear them.

Best way to get a man to do something, is to suggest they are too old for it.

To succeed in politics, it is often necessary to rise above your principles.

I live in my own little world, but it’s ok they know me here.

Streakers beware: Your end is in sight.

Why is the man that invests your money called a broker?

All those who believe in psycho kinesis raise my hand.

A printer consists of three main parts: the case, the jammed paper tray and the blinking red light

Pick your friends but not to pieces.

I’m in no shape to exercise.

I haven’t spoken to my wife for 18 months: I don’t like to interrupt her.

How do I set a laser printer to stun?

I don’t suffer from stress. I’m a carrier.

I used to be a Kleptomaniac, But now I’m taking something for it

I thought I made a mistake once, but I was wrong.

There are two types of people in this world, good and bad. The good sleep better, but the bad seem to enjoy the waking hours much more.

“If builders built buildings the way programmers write programs, then the first woodpecker that came along would destroy civilization” — Weinberg’s Second Law.

A guy got arrested for playing the guitar. He was fingering a minor.

Eagles may soar, but weasels don’t get sucked into jet engines.

Not all men are annoying. Some are dead.

If at first you don’t succeed, try, try again. Then quit. There’s no use being a damned fool about it.

If you can’t convince them, confuse them.

A team effort is a lot of people doing what I say

Raising teenagers is like trying to nail Jell-O to a tree.

It has recently been discovered that research causes cancer in rats.

A conclusion is simply the place where you got tired of thinking.

A study in the Washington Post says that women have better verbal skills than men. I just want to say to the authors of that study: “Duh.”— Conan O’Brien

If you don’t learn to laugh at troubles, you won’t have anything to laugh at when you grow old.

Don’t use a big word where a diminutive one will suffice.

I’m not into working out. My philosophy: No pain, no pain.

99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.

Cheerfulness is contagious, but don’t wait to catch it from others. Be a carrier.

Partying... oops No Only Parting... sorry

Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?

If at first you don’t succeed, destroy all the evidence that you tried.

I have the body of a GOD – Buddha.

To err is human – and to blame it on a computer is even more so.

Under capitalism, man exploits man. Under Communism, it’s just the opposite.

Prediction is extremely difficult. Especially about the future.

I think, therefore I am single.

I intend to live forever – so far, so good.

Whenever people agree with me, I always feel I must be wrong.

We spend the first twelve months of our children’s lives teaching them to walk and talk and the next twelve telling them to sit down and shut up.

Why does Sea World have a seafood restaurant? I’m halfway through my fish burger and I realize, Oh my gosh... I could be eating a slow learner.

History will be kind to me for I intend to write it. – Winston Churchill

Everything is possible; just not too probable.

“How come we choose from just two people to run for president and 50 for Miss America?”

I arise in the morning torn between a desire to improve the world and a desire to enjoy the world. This makes it hard to plan the day.

When he first ran for office, he appealed to the voters: “I never stole anything in my life. All I ask is a chance.”

In democracy it’s your vote that counts. In feudalism it’s your count that votes.

As long as there are tests, there will be prayer in public schools.

A diplomatic husband said to his wife, how do you expect me to remember your birthday when you never look any older?

Being a philosopher, I have a problem for every solution.

They say you only use ten percent of your brain. What about the other ten?

Money is better than poverty, if only for financial reasons.

They told me I had type A blood, but it was a Type O

“Oh dear,” said God, “I hadn’t thought of that,” and promptly vanished in a puff of logic.

Some people are going to leave a mark on this world, while others will leave a stain.

If you try and don’t succeed, cheat. Repeat until caught. Then lie.

If At First You Don’t Succeed... Blame Someone Else And Seek Counseling.

Laugh at your problems; everybody else does.

I don’t like people who take drugs... Customs Officers for example.

My girlfriend told me I should be more affectionate. So I got two more girlfriends.

He’s so lazy. I’ve seen him step into a revolving door and wait.

Shin: a device for finding furniture in the dark.

“I have left orders to be awakened at any time in case of national emergency – even if I’m in a Cabinet meeting.” – Ronald Reagan

I have great faith in fools; my friends call it self-confidence.

If quizzes are quizzical, what are tests?

Never put both feet in your mouth at the same time, because then you don’t have a leg to stand on.

Politicians are people who, when they see the light at the end of the tunnel, go out and buy more tunnel.

Men don’t care what’s on TV. They only care what else is on TV.

This comment is printed on 100% recycled electrons.

What hair color do they put on the driver’s licenses of bald men?

Impotence: Nature’s Way Of Saying “No Hard Feelings”.

“I am not worried about the deficit. It is big enough to take care of itself.” – Ronald Reagan

It’s not true that married men live longer than single men. It only seems longer.

Progress was all right. Only it went on too long.

There are 3 kinds of people: those who can count and those who can’t.

In the office of a Roman doctor: Specialist in women and other diseases.

Why is it that to stop Windows, you have to click on “Start”?

One should forgive one’s enemies, but not before they are hanged.

Those who can laugh without cause have either found the true meaning of happiness or have gone stark raving mad.

A penny saved is a Congressional spending oversight.

In the beginning, God created earth and rested. Then God created man and rested. Then God created woman. Since then, neither God nor man has rested.

Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.

My mind not only wanders, sometimes it leaves completely.

Any ship can be a minesweeper... once.

“This ‘telephone’ has too many shortcomings to be seriously considered as a means of communication.” — Western Union internal memo, 1876.

Stupidity is not a handicap! Park somewhere else!

Isn’t having a smoking section in a restaurant like having a peeing section in a swimming pool?

Someone sent me a postcard picture of the earth. On the back it said, “Wish you were here.”

“I believe in equality for everyone, except reporters and photographers”. — Gandhi

“Always in motion the future is. Seasick it makes me. That’s why so green I am”. – Yoda

Mental Floss prevents Moral Decay.

Without question, the greatest invention in the history of mankind is beer. Oh, I grant you that the wheel was also a fine invention, but the wheel does not go nearly as well with pizza.

I hate women because they always know where things are.

Lord, if you won’t make me skinny, please make all my friends fat.

There are two kinds of people, those who finish what they start, and so on.

I started out with nothing, and I still have most of it.

Don’t take life too seriously—you’ll never get out of it alive.

“If women didn’t exist, all the money in the world would have no meaning.” – Aristotle Onassis

I’ve always wanted to be normal, but lately I’ve come to suspect that this is it.

He who smiles in a crisis has found someone to blame.

It’s not hard to meet expenses, they’re everywhere.

If someone with multiple personalities threatens suicide... is it considered a hostage situation?

If the world should blow itself up, the last audible voice would be that of an expert saying it can’t be done.

Genius is 1% inspiration, and 99% perspiration.

If you don’t pay your exorcist you get repossessed.

If you want a committed man, look in a mental hospital.

In a Norwegian cocktail lounge: Ladies are requested not to have children in the bar.

Just because your head is the biggest doesn’t mean it contains the right ideas.

“When you starve with a tiger, the tiger starves last”. — Griffin’s Thought

If the French were really intelligent, they’d speak English.

I’m desperately trying to figure out why kamikaze pilots wore helmets.

If it’s true that we are here to help others, then what exactly are the others here for?

I plead contemporary insanity.

From the moment I picked your book up until I laid it down I was convulsed with laughter. Some day I intend reading it.

If you don’t know why I’m mad at you, then I’m certainly not going to tell you

As a final incentive before giving up a difficult task, try to imagine it successfully accomplished by someone you violently dislike.

Sex on television can’t hurt you unless you fall off.

We Quit Voting Will They All Go Away?

A drop of ink may make a million think.

I guess traffic in the city is improving a little. Yesterday, I drove clear across town and only had to shave twice.

How do you get an Irishman to burn his ear? Ring him up while he is ironing.

The scientific theory I like best is that the rings of Saturn are composed entirely of lost airline luggage.

The difference between a stepping-stone and a stumbling block can be when you see it.

Experience is simply the name we give our mistakes.

The fellow who thinks he knows it all is especially annoying to those of us who do.

The trouble with our times is that the future is not what it used to be.

In a Tokyo shop: Our nylons cost more than common, but you’ll find they are best in the long run.

“Every mighty oak was once just a nut who stood his ground.”

The light at the end of the tunnel has been turned off due to budget cuts.

Constipated People Don’t Give A Crap.

Sheep don’t fly so much as plummet.

Why is the third hand on the watch called a second hand?

I don’t suffer from stress. I’m a carrier.

Even paranoids have real enemies.

By the time a man realises that his father was right, he has a son who thinks he’s wrong.

As the light changed from red to green to yellow and back to red again, I sat there thinking about life. Was it nothing more than a bunch of honking and yelling? Sometimes it seemed that way.

If it’s 0 degrees today and it’s going to be twice as cold tomorrow... how cold will it be?

Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.

Before you give a colleague a piece of your mind, be sure you can spare it.

“Auntie Em: hate you, hate Kansas, taking the dog.” – Dorothy

I am not a vegetarian because I love animals; I am a vegetarian because I hate plants.

I have kleptomania, but when it gets bad, I take something for it. ~ Robert Benchle

It’s important to be open-minded, but not SO open-minded that your brains fall out.

A soldier who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran.

Horn broken. Watch for finger. (on bumper sticker)

Modesty is a virtue of fools.

A synonym is a word you use when you can’t spell the word you first thought of.

I used to be a banker, but then I lost interest.

Borrow money from pessimists- they don’t expect to get it back.

If I were two-faced, would I be wearing this one?

Don’t Be Sexist – Broads Hate That.

I don’t want to achieve immortality through my work. I want to achieve immortality through not dying.

“There is no reason anyone would want a computer in their home.” — Ken Olson, founder of Digital Equipment Corp., 1977.

To define recursion, we must first define recursion.

I love being married. It’s so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.

I spilled spot remover on my dog. Now he’s gone.

Haunted French pancakes give me the crêpes.

Time is a great teacher, but unfortunately it kills all its pupils.

When I’m not in my right mind, my left mind gets pretty crowded

It is a small world, but I wouldn’t like to have to paint it.

I’m quite easy to get along with, once you learn to beckon at my every call and yield to all my desires.

I love cats – they taste just like chicken.

Hope sees the invisible, feels the intangible and achieves the impossible.

“Inconceivable!” “I do not think that word means what you think it means.”

How can you come out of a closet if you never went in there in the first place?

If a man opens a car door for a woman, either the car is new or the woman.

I have had more trouble with myself than with any other man I’ve met.

I tried sniffing Coke once, but the ice cubes got stuck in my nose.

When you do not know what you are doing, do it neatly.

Last night I lay in bed looking up at the stars in the sky and I thought to myself, “Where the heck is the ceiling?”

Two strings walk into a bar. The first string says to the bartender, “Bartender, I’ll have a beer. u.5n$x5t?*&4ru!2[sACCErJ”. The second string says, “Pardon my friend, he isn’t NULL terminated”.

“Managing senior programmers is like herding cats” — Dave Platt.

There’s a fine line between genius and insanity. I have erased this line.

Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?

If the human brain were so simple that we could understand it, we would be so simple we couldn’t.

I used to be apathetic, but now I don’t give a damn.

System Error - Windows Loaded

Time’s fun when you’re having flies... Kermit the Frog

Computers make it easy to do a lot of things, but most of the things that make it easier to do don’t need to be done.

Arguing on the Internet is like competing in the Special Olympics – even if you win, you are still retarded.

This Would Be Really Funny If It Weren’t Happening To Me.

To find out a girl’s faults, praise her to her girl friends.

One good turn gets most of the blankets.

If money talks, it ain’t on speakin’ terms with me.

Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy.

Nick Overruled - Democratic Majority Decision

Applying computer technology is simply finding the right wrench to pound in the correct screw.

Life is complex: it has real and imaginary parts.

You’ll never get to heaven if you’re scared of getting high.

Jokes about German sausage are the wurst.

A bird does not sing because it has an answer—it sings because it has a song.

You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say will be misquoted then used against you.

Take my advice, I don’t use it anyway.

Laughing stock: cattle with a sense of humour.

How do you spot an Irishman at a carwash? He’s the one on the bike.

Everything you like is bad for you in some way.

An Irish man was driving to the airport when he saw a sign saying ‘Airport – Left’... So he went home.

I am obviously right, and as you disagree with me, then logically you must be wrong.

Compromise: the art of dividing a cake so that everybody believes he or she got the biggest piece.

Honk if you love peace and quiet.

Consciousness: that annoying time between naps.

I took a speed reading course and read ‘War and Peace’ in twenty minutes. It involves Russia. Enough women for four.

Only a fool is astonished by the foolishness of humankind.

Fundamentalism: Believe in a kind, loving God or we’ll kill you!

How did Moses make his tea? Hebrews it.

Brain: an apparatus with which we think we think.

Ninety-nine per cent of the people in the world are fools and the rest of us are in great danger of contagion.

Authority makes some people grow – and others just swell.

Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?

I don’t believe in astrology. I am a Sagittarius and we’re very skeptical. ~ Arthur C. Clarke

Anywhere is walking distance, if you’ve got the time.

Get a new car for your spouse – it’ll be a great trade!

Solitude is fine, but you need someone to tell you that solitude is fine.

We waste time, so you don’t have to.

Anyone who told you to be yourself couldn’t have given you worse advice.

Five out of four people have trouble with fractions.

If life was fair, Elvis would be alive and all the impersonators would be dead.

I like kids, but I don’t think I could eat a whole one.

Bachelors have consciences, married men have wives.

My husband says I never listen to him (at least I think that’s what he said)

I love work; it fascinates me; I can sit and watch it for hours.

Never underestimate the power of very stupid people in large groups.

Hang in there; retirement is only thirty years away.

“Then he ran into my knife. He ran into my knife ten times.” – Chicago

Living is not worth dying for.

If vegetable oil comes from vegetables, where does baby oil come from?

“Hey, I’ve got reasons for what I’m doing,” REALLY MEANS, “I sure hope I think of some pretty soon.”

Life... I don’t get it...

Latest survey shows that 3 out of 4 people make up 75% of the world’s population.

Age always corresponds inversely to the size of your multivitamin.

I don’t have an attitude problem. You have a perception problem.

Cleverly Disguised As A Responsible Adult.

Everybody lies, but it doesn’t matter since nobody listens.

Bachelors know more about women than married men; if they didn’t they’d be married too.

You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.

Procrastinate Now!

If a woman has to choose between catching a fly ball and saving an infant’s life, she will choose to save the infant’s life without even considering if there is a man on base.—Dave Barry

I work hard because millions on welfare depend on me.

God must love stupid people, he made so many.

We are going on a field trip to the Coca-Cola factory. I hope there are no pop quizzes.

I didn’t like my beard at first. Then it grew on me.

I wondered why the baseball was getting bigger. Then it hit me.

There’s a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot.

All the toilets in New York’s police stations have been stolen. The police have nothing to go on.

My schoolmates would make love to anything that moved, but I never saw any reason to limit myself.

I installed a skylight in my apartment. The people who live above me are furious.

I love deadlines. I especially like the whooshing sound they make as they go flying by.

I have gone to look for myself, if I should return before I get back, keep me here.

Is Disney World the only people trap operated by a mouse?

Acupuncture is a jab well done.

Marriage changes passion... suddenly you’re in bed with a relative.

Heck is where people go who don’t believe in gosh.

There’s a difference between being open-minded and having a hole in your head

Blessed are those who can laugh at themselves, they will never cease to be amused.

The dictionary is the only place where success comes before work.

Hemp is a herb. Bush is a dope.

There are three ways to get something done: do it yourself, hire someone, or forbid your kids to do it.

Conscience is the inner voice warning us that someone may be looking.

I can please only one person per day. Today is not your day. Tomorrow isn’t looking good either.

The world is full of willing people; some willing to work, the rest willing to let them.

Comedy is tragedy plus time.

Smoking cures weight problems...eventually...

Anything not nailed down is a cat toy.

Where do you find an Irish woodworm? Dead inside a brick.

I get enough exercise just pushing my luck.

I don’t approve of political jokes... I’ve seen too many of them get elected.

To B or not to B? *kills the B* I HATE BEES!!!! – LynxofCP

Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.

Never buy a car you can’t push.

I’d give my right arm to be ambidextrous.

There are only three kinds of people; people who can count and people who can’t.

I am a nobody, nobody is perfect, therefore I’m perfect.

All my life, I always wanted to be somebody. Now I see that I should have been more specific.

If everything is coming your way, you are probably in the wrong lane.

The only reason some people get lost in thought is because it’s unfamiliar territory.

“My wife made me join a bridge club. I jump off next Tuesday” — Rodney Dangerfield

Climbers aim for the summit because it is there. Bungi jumpers dive off the top because they aren’t all there.

You can say any foolish thing to a dog, and the dog will give you a look that says, “My God, you’re right! I never would’ve thought of that!”

Caution – Driver Legally Blonde!

Of course, we are all worms—but I like to think, at least, that I am a glow-worm. – Winston Churchill

If you think nobody cares if you’re alive, try missing a couple of car payments.

If you can’t beat your computer at chess, try kickboxing.

If all you have is a hammer, everything looks like a nail.

Never go to a doctor whose office plants have died.

Snowmen fall from Heaven unassembled.

They say if you play a Microsoft CD backwards you hear satanic messages. That’s nothing, if you play it forwards it installs Windows.

The most precious thing we have is life. Yet it has absolutely no trade-in value.

What Has Four Legs And An Arm? A Happy Pit Bull.

An egotist has one point in his favour – he doesn’t go round talking about other people.

Early to rise, early to bed, makes a man healthy but socially dead.

I thought I wanted a career, turns out I just wanted paychecks.

You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They left a little note on the windscreen, it said ‘Parking Fine.’

“C++ : Where friends have access to your private members.” — Gavin Russell Baker.

The trouble with the rat race is that even if you win, you’re still a rat.

It’s hard to face the problem, when the problem is your face.

I heard a man say that brigands demand your money or your life, whereas women require both.

I stayed up all night to see where the sun went. Then it dawned on me.

The only difference between Genius and Insanity... is success.

Any task worth doing was worth doing yesterday.

“Are you going to come quietly, or do I have to use earplugs?”—Vale Spike Milligan

Needing someone is like needing a parachute. If he isn’t there the first time you need him, chances are you won’t be needing him again.

Roses are red, Violets are blue. In Soviet Russia, Poems write you.

When life hands you a lemon, make lemonade.

I couldn’t repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.

I am free of all prejudices. I hate everyone equally.

Keyboard not detected. Press F1 to continue

If sex is such a natural phenomenon, how come there are so many books on how to do it.

I used to think I was indecisive, but now I’m not sure.

How do you keep an Irishman busy? Write P.T.O on both sides of a piece of paper.

People who think they know everything are annoying to those of us who do.

Just because you’re not paranoid doesn’t mean they’re not out to get you.

Advertisement for donkey rides in Thailand: Would you like to ride on your own ass?

A dyslexic man walks into a bra.

Being in the army is like being in the Boy Scouts, except that the Boy Scouts have adult supervision.

“There are two major products that come out of Berkeley: LSD and UNIX. We don’t believe this to be a coincidence.” — Jeremy S. Anderson

Plagiarism saves time.

The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.

I did a theatrical performance about puns. It was a play on words.

Ours is a world where people don’t know what they want and are willing to go through hell to get it.

If con is the opposite of pro, congress is the opposite of progress.

Anything that can become tangled around something else, will.

The trouble with jogging is that, by the time you realise you’re not in shape for it, it’s far too far to walk back.

I dropped out of communism class because of lousy Marx.

How do you know if a fish is Irish? It has drowned.

The chance of a piece of bread falling with the buttered side down is directly proportional to the cost of the carpet.

I tried to photograph the fog, but I mist.

Work: It isn’t just for sleeping anymore.

“I would like to live in Manchester, England. The transition between Manchester and death would be unnoticeable”. — Mark Twain

A pessimist is a man who has been compelled to live with an optimist

The dumber people think you are, the more surprised they’re going to be when you kill them—Rodney Dangerfield

Somewhere on this globe, every ten seconds, is a woman giving birth to a child. She must be found and stopped.

I think animal testing is a terrible idea; they get all nervous and give the wrong answers.

I either want less corruption, or more chance to participate in it.

Everybody is ignorant, only on different subjects.

Be careful when reading health books; you may die of a misprint.

My mind works like lightning. One brilliant flash and it is gone.

Love is like an hourglass, with the heart filling up as the brain empties.

Don’t stop to stomp on ants when the elephants are stampeding.

Don’t talk unless you can improve the silence.

Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

Time sneaks up on you like a windshield on a bug.

The number of people watching you is directly proportional to the stupidity of your action.

Time flies like an arrow – fruit flies like a banana.

I’m out of my mind, but feel free to leave a message.

There is nothing so annoying as to have two people go right on talking when you’re interrupting.

I wished the buck stopped here, as I could use a few.

The illegal we do immediately. The unconstitutional takes a little longer. – Henry Kissinger

Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian any more than going to the garage makes you a car.

What do you call a dinosaur with an extensive vocabulary? A thesaurus.

Slow is when someone laps you in the hundred-yard dash

Democracy is a government where you can say what you think even if you don’t think.

Anyone can admit they were wrong; the true test is admitting it to someone else.

“#define QUESTION ((bb) || !(bb))” — Shakespeare

No sense being pessimistic, it probably wouldn’t work anyway.

Everyone hates me because I’m paranoid.

What if there were no hypothetical questions?

Show me a piano falling down a mineshaft and I’ll show you A-flat minor.

Foolproof systems don’t take into account the ingenuity of fools.

Promises are like babies: fun to make, but hell to deliver.

The beatings will continue until morale improves.

He who trains his tongue to quote the learned sages, will be known far and wide as a smart ass.

Bacteria: the only culture some people have.

Years ago fairy tales began with “Once upon a time...” Now it’s “If I am elected...”

Some people say that I must be a horrible person, but that’s not true. I have the heart of a young boy – in a jar on my desk.

Time is God’s way of keeping everything from happening at once.

Madness takes its toll. Please have exact change.

“Banking establishments are more dangerous than standing armies”. — Thomas Jefferson

Who is General Failure and why is he reading my hard disk?

He does the work of three men: Larry, Moe and Curly.

What’s another word for Thesaurus?

“This report, by its very length, defends itself against the risk of being read”. — Winston Churchill

Brilliant, but with the social skills of a thermonuclear device.

If automobiles had followed the same development cycle as the computer, a Rolls Royce would today cost $100, get a million miles per gallon, and explode once a year, killing everyone inside.

If you want your spouse to listen and pay strict attention to every word you say, talk in your sleep.

If you can’t be kind, at least have the decency to be vague.

“When in doubt tell the truth.”—Mark Twain

“Blink your eyelids periodically to lubricate your eyes.” — Page 16 of the HP “Environmental, Health Safety Handbook for Employees”.

Eat a live toad first thing in the morning, and nothing worse can happen to you the rest of the day.

In this world, nothing is certain but death and taxes. – Benjamin Franklin

Plato is dead, Einstein is dead, and I’m not feeling too good myself...

“Life is a waste of time, time is a waste of life, so get wasted all of the time and have the time of your life”. — Tom Waits

Hard work never killed anybody but why take the chance?

“I think there is a world market for maybe five computers.” — Thomas Watson, chairman of IBM, 1943.

Well, this day was a total waste of makeup.

If you’re born again, do you have two bellybuttons?

Remember, half the people you know are below average.

Blessed are the young, for they shall inherit the national debt.

“I have never let my schooling interfere with my education.”—Mark Twain

Every morning is the dawn of a new error.

A bird in the hand is safer than one overhead.

He often broke into song because he couldn’t find the key.

How do you sink an Irish Submarine? Knock on the hatch.

Some pain is physical, and some is mental, but one that’s both is dental.

I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol.

Optimists believe we live on the greatest world. Pessimists believe this is true.

Nobody can be exactly like me. Even I have trouble doing it.

Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

If you choke a smurf, what colour does it turn?

On the other hand you have different fingers.

Friends may come and go, but enemies accumulate

It is said that if you line up all the cars in the world end to end, someone would be stupid enough to try and pass them.

Don’t be irreplaceable; if you cannot be replaced, you cannot be promoted.

Never argue with an idiot. They drag you down to their level then beat you with experience.

“Thinking is the hardest work there is, which is probably why so few engage in it”. — Henry Ford

“I’ve noticed that everyone who is for abortion has already been born.” – Ronald Reagan

Maybe I’m lucky to be going so slowly, because I may be going in the wrong direction.

My one regret in life is that I am not someone else.

A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a train stops. On my desk I have a workstation...

Connection Reset - Insufficient Electrons

If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?

I like to start my periods with sentences.

It is even harder for the average ape to believe that he has descended from man.

Don’t look back. Something may be gaining on you.

You’re such an inspiration for the way I’ll never choose to be.

One good thing about repeating your mistakes is that you know when to cringe.

If you’re not confused, you’re not paying attention.

When angry count four, when very angry, swear.

Stupidity is not a handicap. Park elsewhere!

“They say hard work never hurt anybody, but I figure why take the chance.” – Ronald Reagan

In a Copenhagen airline ticket office: We take your bags and send them in all directions.

Democracy is a process by which people are free to choose the man who will get the blame.

This girl said she recognized me from the vegetarian club, but I’d never met herbivore

If you do not make dust, you eat dust.

Errors have been made. Others will be blamed.

Age is an issue of mind over matter. If you don’t mind, it doesn’t matter.

I generally avoid temptation unless I can’t resist it.

Succeed in spite of management. Aim Low; Reach Your Goals, Avoid Disappointment.

A baby sitter is a teenager acting like an adult while the adults are out acting like teenagers.

Ever stop to think and forget to start again?

Youth would be an ideal state if it came a little later in life.

The sooner you fall behind the more time you’ll have to catch up.

Marriage is not a word; it is a sentence.

For Sale: Parachute. Only used once, never opened, small stain.

There are two kinds of people, those who finish what they start, and so on.

Does your train of thought have a caboose?

Murphy’s Golden Rule: Whoever has the gold makes the rules.

Even crime wouldn’t pay if the government ran it.

I spent most of my money on booze, drugs and women... The rest I wasted!

Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying of nothing.

The day I can’t do my job drunk is the day I turn in my badge and gun.

My husband and I divorced over religious differences... He thought he was God and I didn’t.

Go the extra mile. It makes your boss look like an incompetent slacker.

It’s easy to quit smoking... I’ve done it over 10,000 times.

Half of the people in the world are below average.

I want to die peacefully in my sleep like my grandfather, not screaming in abject horror like his passengers.

Age is a very high price to pay for maturity.

I took an IQ test and the results were negative.

Success always occurs in private, and failure in full public view.

Eschew obfuscation.

Remember half the people you know are below average.

PMS jokes aren’t funny. Period.

Every time I look at you I get a fierce desire to be lonesome.

Vote for the man who promises least; he’ll be the least disappointing.

Why were the Indians here first? They had reservations.

I’m sorry; you cannot have an outlook on life because it isn’t responding. Microsoft apologises for any inconvenience.

It’s bad luck to be superstitious.

In elementary school, in case of fire, you have to line up quietly in a single file line from smallest to tallest. What is the logic? Do tall people burn slower?

It is hard enough to remember my opinions, without also remembering my reasons for them!

If a job is worth doing well get someone else to do it.

Men occasionally stumble over the truth, but most of them pick themselves up and hurry off as if nothing had happened. – Winston Churchill

AIBOHPHOBIA – the fear of palindromes.

The best computer is a man, and it’s the only one that can be mass-produced by unskilled labour.

Man shoots neighbour with machete [The Miami Herald, July 3]

I stayed up all night to see where the sun went. Then it dawned on me.

If we aren’t supposed to eat animals, why are they made of meat?

Everybody is ignorant, only on different subjects.

Pardon my driving, I am reloading.

Mind like a steel trap – rusty and illegal in most states.

Better to remain silent and be thought a fool, than to speak and remove all doubt.

When I was young, I could remember anything. Whether it happened or not.

Whenever there is any doubt, there is no doubt.

If ever I get married again it would have to be under an anaesthetic.

I’m an idealist: I don’t know where I’m going, but I’m on my way.

“I could tell that my parents hated me. My bath toys were a toaster and a radio” — Rodney Dangerfield

If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?

Tell me what you need, and I’ll tell you how to get along without it.

Where you stand depends on where you sit.

Everybody is somebody else’s weirdo.

Some people are alive only because it’s illegal to kill them.

Why is it called tourist season if we can’t shoot at them?

If we learn by our mistakes, some of us are getting one hell of an education!

I don’t have a solution but I admire the problem.

I was the next door kid’s imaginary friend.

A bargain is something you don’t need at a price you can’t resist.

It doesn’t matter what temperature the room is; it’s always room temperature.

Most vegetarians look so much like the food they eat that they can be classified as cannibals.

“Einstein argued that there must be simplified explanations of nature, because God is not capricious or arbitrary. No such faith comforts the software engineer.” — Fred Brooks.

“Everyday I beat my own previous record for number of consecutive days I’ve stayed alive.”

Men are from earth. Women are from earth. Deal with it.

If at first you do succeed, try to hide your astonishment.

“My computer NEVER loc

I changed my iPod’s name to Titanic. It’s syncing now.

Statistics are like bikinis – What they reveal is suggestive, but what they conceal is vital.

“On two occasions I have been asked [by members of Parliament!]: ‘Pray, Mr. Babbage, if you put into the machine wrong figures, will the right answers come out ?’ I am not able rightly to apprehend the kind of confusion of ideas that could provoke such a question.” — Charles Babbage.

One martini is all right, two is too many, and three is not enough.

Despite the cost of living it’s still very popular.

Being single is like a vacuum. It sucks when you are turned on.

According to recent study someone is run over by a car every 5 minutes in the city. You’d think the guy would have enough sense to get out of the street.

Nothing means nothing, but it isn’t really nothing because nothing is something that isn’t.

Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way when you criticize them, you are a mile away from them and you have their shoes.

I had some words with my wife, and she had some paragraphs with me.

It is hard to understand how a cemetery raised its burial charges and blamed it on the cost of living.

When all other means of communication fail, try words.

“A girl phoned me the other day and said... Come on over, there’s nobody home. I went over. Nobody was home” — Rodney Dangerfield

Energizer Bunny arrested: Charged with battery.

Honest criticism is hard to take, particularly from a relative, a friend, an acquaintance, or a stranger.

If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?

Red Tape Holds Up New Bridge!

Artificial Intelligence is no match for Natural Stupidity.

Venison for dinner again? Oh deer!

I’d like to see things your way, but I’m looking in another direction.

I married my wife for her looks... but not the ones she’s been giving me lately!

A cartoonist was found dead in his home. Details are sketchy.

The truth is a precious commodity. That’s why I use it so sparingly.

All men are equal. Some are just more equal than others.

If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?

Get even – live long enough to be a problem to your kids.

What sane person could live in this world and not be crazy?

Programmer – A red-eyed, mumbling mammal capable of conversing with inanimate objects.

I have a simple philosophy. Fill what’s empty. Empty what’s full. Scratch where it itches.

Leftists are among the first to speak of their rights.

I used to find him boring until I stopped listening.

Always try to be modest and be proud of it!

System Error - Windows Loaded

Confidence is the feeling you have before you understand the situation

Quantum mechanics: The dreams stuff is made of.

Instead of getting married again, I’m going to find a woman I don’t like and just give her a house.—Rod Stewart

Whenever I feel like exercise, I lie down until the feeling passes.

It used to be only death and taxes were inevitable. Now, of course, there’s shipping and handling, too.

Work expands to fill the time available. — PARKINSON’S LAW

Marathon runners with bad footwear suffer the agony of defeat.

Good judgement comes from experience. Experience comes from bad judgement.

Well if this is the wrong number, why did you answer it?

A procrastinator’s work is never done.

Half our life is spent trying to find something to do with the time we have rushed through life trying to save.

I have spent my whole life looking for the perfect woman, and now I’ve found her. Too bad she’s looking for the perfect man.

I married Miss Right. I just didn’t know her first name was Always.

A committee is a body that keeps minutes and wastes hours.

I’m reading a book about anti-gravity. I can’t put it down.

Make sure your mind isn’t so open that your brains fall out.

“The web is a dominatrix. Every where I turn, I see little buttons ordering me to Submit.” — Nytwind.

I used to think I was indecisive, but now I’m not sure.

Two signs from a Majorcan shop entrance: English well speaking / Here speeching American.

IRS: We’ve got what it takes to take what you’ve got.

We must believe in free will, we have no choice.

“Reader, suppose you were an idiot. And suppose you were a member of Congress. But I repeat myself”. — Mark Twain

Age is a question of mind over matter. If you don’t mind, it don’t matter.

Allow me to introduce my selves.

My favorite mythical creature? The honest politician.

Birthdays are good for you. Statistics show that the people who have the most live the longest.

The doctor can bury his mistakes but an architect can only advise his client to plant vines.

Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don’t.

My reality check just bounced.

Be kind to your dentist. He has fillings, too.

“The best thing about the future is that it comes only one day at a time.” – Abraham Lincoln

Everybody has a photographic memory. Some don’t have film.

It’s strange, isn’t it. You stand in the middle of a library and go aaaaagghhhh’ and everyone just stares at you. But you do the same thing on an aeroplane, and everyone joins in.

“Things are more like they are now than they ever were before.” – Former U.S. President Dwight D. Eisenhower

I’m an apathetic sociopath – I’d kill you if I cared.

Help Wanted: Telepath. You know where to apply.

I majored in liberal arts. Will that be for here or to go?

Velcro — what a rip off!

Well, if I called the wrong number, why did you answer the phone?

“Heavier-than-air flying machines are impossible.” — Lord Kelvin, president, Royal Society, 1895.

In the beginning, there was nothing. Then God said, “Let there be light,” and there was still nothing, but you could see it.

Chaos, panic, & disorder – my work here is done.

The sooner you fall behind the more time you’ll have to catch up.

Santa’s helpers are subordinate clauses.

You can’t have everything. Where would you put it?

Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.

If trees could scream, would we be so cavalier about cutting them down? We might, if they screamed all the time, for no good reason.

“The object of war is not to die for your country but to make the other bastard die for his.” – General George Patton

I always wanted to be a procrastinator, never got around to it though.

The second day of a diet is alway easier than the first. By the second day, you’re off it.

Make three correct guesses consecutively and you will establish yourself as an expert.

Outside of a dog, a book is probably man’s best friend, and inside of a dog, it’s too dark to read.

Why don’t you ever see the headline “Psychic Wins Lottery”?

I envy people who drink – at least they know what to blame everything on.

Always remember you’re unique, just like everyone else.

A backwards poet writes inverse.

When you get a bladder infection, urine trouble.

If a President doesn’t do it to his wife, he’ll do it to his country.

When you come to a fork in the road, take it.

Money is flat and meant to be piled up. – Scottish Proverb

I like children. Properly cooked.

I take everything I can for my kleptomania.

It is a fitting irony that under Richard Nixon, ‘launder’ became a dirty word.

A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat.

I Haven’t Lost My Mind, It’s Backed Up On Disk Somewhere.

“Your mouse has moved. Windows must be restarted for the change to take effect. Reboot now ? [OK]”

If puns were outlawed, only outlaws would have puns.

One of the greatest labour-saving inventions today is tomorrow.

I’d explain it to you, but your brain would explode.

Women like silent men. They think they’re listening.

The earthquake in Washington obviously was the government’s fault.

It is not my interest to pay the principal, nor my principal to pay the interest.

Illiterate? Write For Help.

We’ve made great medical progress in the last generation. What used to be merely an itch is now an allergy.

Technology is a way of organizing the universe so that man doesn’t have to experience it.

Did you hear about the cross-eyed teacher who lost her job because she couldn’t control her pupils?

An army of deer led by a lion is more to be feared than an army of lions led by a deer.

He’s not dead, he’s electroencephalographically challenged.

“People who drink light beer don’t like the taste of beer; they just like to pee a lot” — Rodney Dangerfield

The things that come to those that wait may be the things left by those who got there first.

I’ve been trying for some time to develop a life style that doesn’t require my presence.

Anything not nailed down is mine. Anything I can pry loose is not nailed down.

Man who drive like hell bound to get there.

“I’ve been on a calendar but I have never been on time” – Marilyn Monroe

Youth is a wonderful thing. What a crime to waste it on children.

You’re not drunk if you can lie on the floor without holding on.

I hope that after I die, people will say of me: “That guy sure owed me a lot of money.”

Why do we wash bath towels, aren’t we clean when we use them?

I can resist everything except temptation.

For people who like peace and quiet – a phoneless cord.

I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.

Laugh and the world laughs with you; snore and you sleep alone.

Connection Reset By Aboriginal With Wire Cutters

People with narrow minds usually have broad tongues.

Wine divulges truth.

Bacteria: the only culture some people have.

Man who run in front of car get tired.

Is there life before death?

What’s the definition of a will? (It’s a dead giveaway).

A bachelor is a man who comes to work from a different direction each morning.

Confidence is the feeling you have before you understand the situation.

I Refuse To Have A Battle Of Wits With An Unarmed Person.

If you don’t know where you are going, you might wind up someplace else.

This mind intentionally left blank

He who laughs last thinks slowest.

You have to stay in shape. My grandmother, she started walking five miles a day when she was 60. She’s 97 today and we don’t know where the hell she is.

If you can stay calm, while all around you is chaos... then you probably haven’t completely understood the situation.

Am I getting smart with you? How would you know?

Perhaps you’re diagonally parked in a parallel universe?

When in trouble, fear or doubt, run in circles, scream and shout.

I was at a bar nursing a beer. My nipple was getting quite soggy.

One day I will get this peer guy and reset his connection.

The human brain is a wonderful thing. It starts working the moment you are born, and never stops until you stand up to speak in public.

“You start coding. I’ll go find out what they want.” — Computer analyst to programmer

You can always spot a well-informed man – his views are the same as yours.

Some people are alive only because it’s illegal to kill them.

Having more money doesn’t make you happier. I have 50 million dollars but I’m just as happy as when I had 48 million. ~ Arnold Schwarzenegger.

Jokes about German sausage are the wurst.

On a tombstone: I TOLD YOU I WAS SICK

You look like a million dollars. All green and wrinkled.

Where there’s a will, I want to be in it.

Life is far too important to be taken seriously.

I majored in liberal arts. Will that be for here or to go?

“He has been given a large brain by mistake, since for him the spinal cord would fully suffice.” — Albert Einstein

There is no such thing as an underestimate of average intelligence

On the keyboard of life, always keep one finger on the escape key.

Someday we’ll look back on all this and plow into the back of a parked car.

It’s just a job. Grass grows, birds fly, waves pound the sand. I just beat people up. – Muhammad Ali

“The generation of random numbers is too important to be left to chance.” — Robert R. Coveyou, Oak Ridge National Laboratory.

Seeing a murder on television...will help work off one’s antagonisms. And if you haven’t any antagonisms, the commercials will give you some.

Humour. It is a difficult concept. It is not logical.

Tip the world over on its side and everything loose will land in Los Angeles.

No problem is so big and complicated that it can’t be ran away from.

If you don’t know where you are going, you will wind up somewhere else.

“War does not determine who is right - only who is left.” – Bertrand Russell

The only perfect science is hindsight.

On the plus side, death is one of the few things that can be done just as easily as lying down.

Half of being smart is knowing what you are dumb at.

A hangover is the wrath of grapes.

I don’t enjoy computer jokes; not one bit.

The most powerful force in the universe is gossip.

Anger is only one letter away from danger.

Restarting System - Mouse Moved

A poor excuse is like an old bucket; doesn’t matter what shape it is in, as long as it holds water.

Don’t use a big word where a diminutive one will suffice.

“As a matter of fact” is an expression that precedes many an expression that isn’t.

Jack and Jill did it for the insurance.

Sheep don’t fly so much as plummet.

Oh, don’t fuss. I just cut myself. It’s no big deal,” REALLY MEANS, “I have actually severed a limb, but will bleed to death before I admit I’m hurt.”

The surprising thing about young fools is how many survive to become old fools.

Englishmen never will be slaves: they are free to do whatever the Government and public opinion allow them to do.

“There are only two things that are infinite: the universe and human stupidity. And I’m not sure about the universe.” A. Einstein

Democracy is the recurrent suspicion that more than half of the people are right more than half of the time.

The art of flying is to throw yourself at the ground and miss.

Legend: a lie that has attained the dignity of age.

If I have to work for an idiot, I might as well work for myself.

If you can’t dazzle them with brilliance... just baffle them with bullsh*t.

If it weren’t for the last minute, nothing would ever get done.

Plan to be spontaneous tomorrow.

Killed - Personality Incompatibility

Just remember... if the world didn’t suck, we’d all fall off.

Be thankful for problems. If they were less difficult, someone with less ability might have your job.

It is not what a teenager knows that bothers his parents. It is how he found out.

Man who run behind car get exhausted.

Man does not live by words alone, despite the fact that sometimes he has to eat them.

Quantum: Noun, word used to sound like I know what I’m talking about while discussing physics I’ve never actually studied.

I always wanted to be somebody, but I should have been more specific.

If I were someone who knew something, who could I tell that would believe me?

Cab drivers are living proof that practice does not make perfect.

A clean tie attracts the soup of the day.

At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be “What is hell?” Come early and listen to our choir practice.

Once, during prohibition, I was forced to live for days on nothing but food and water.

Cheer up, the worst is yet to come.

Honesty is the best policy, but insanity is a better defence.

Anything’s possible... apart from skiing through a revolving door.

Moderation in all things, including moderation.

If it weren’t for electricity we’d all be watching television by candlelight?

It’s not that I’m afraid to die; I just don’t want to be there when it happens.

When I was a boy I was told that anybody could become president; I’m beginning to believe it.

If olive oil comes from olives, where does baby oil come from?

Alcohol: the cause of, and solution to, all of life’s problems.

What do you call a dinosaur with an extensive vocabulary? A thesaurus.

I laugh in the face of danger, except if I’m involved.

I often quote myself; it adds spice to my conversation.

Does this smell like chloroform to you?

“You, you and you: panic. The rest of you, come with me.”

I know a guy who is addicted to brake fluid. He says he can stop anytime.

Warning: Dates in Calendar are closer than they appear.

Bigamy is having one wife too many. Monogamy is the same. – Oscar Wilde

Military intelligence is a contradiction in terms.

Everyone needs belief in something. I believe I’ll have another beer.

It is wiser to find out than to suppose.—Mark Twain

Love is blind, but marriage is a real eye-opener.

Doctor, Doctor You’ve got to help me – I just can’t stop my hands shaking. Do you drink a lot? Not really – I spill most of it!

Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7th of your life.

Outside a Hong Kong tailor shop: Ladies may have a fit upstairs.

If I’d known I was going to live this long, I’d have taken better care of myself.

If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?

The shortest distance between two points is under construction.

Be nice to your kids. They’ll choose your nursing home.

In a Rome laundry: Ladies, leave your clothes here and spend the afternoon having a good time.

Seen it all, done it all, can’t remember most of it.

Why is it that doctors call what they do “practice”?

“I wish everyone was peaceful. Then I could take over the planet with a butter knife”—Dogbert

Macho Law prohibits me from admitting I’m wrong.

The more time you spend in reporting on what you are doing, the less time you have to do it in. Stability is achieved when you spend all your time doing nothing but reporting on the nothing you are doing.

The secret of success is sincerity. Once you can fake that you’ve got it made.

People can be divided into three groups: Those who make things happen, those who watch things happen, and those who wonder what happened.

I don’t meet competition. I crush it

I’m not afraid of heights, only widths.

My life has a superb cast but I can’t figure out the plot.

If we don’t succeed, we run the risk of failure.

Tips for Vegetarians: Hit a chicken enough times and it turns into a vegetable.

At the age of six I wanted to be a cook. At seven I wanted to be Napoleon. And my ambition has been growing steadily ever since.

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