Amusing Quotes & One-Liners — Ned Martin’s Amused

Amusing Quotes & One-Liners

I took an IQ test and the results were negative.

Broken pencils are pointless.

As the light changed from red to green to yellow and back to red again, I sat there thinking about life. Was it nothing more than a bunch of honking and yelling? Sometimes it seemed that way.

A poor excuse is like an old bucket; doesn’t matter what shape it is in, as long as it holds water.

Seen it all, done it all, can’t remember most of it.

It is hard to understand how a cemetery raised its burial charges and blamed it on the cost of living.

I have kleptomania, but when it gets bad, I take something for it. ~ Robert Benchle

I thought I made a mistake once, but I was wrong.

Bachelors know more about women than married men; if they didn’t they’d be married too.

Conscience is the inner voice warning us that someone may be looking.

When in doubt, mumble.

Everybody is somebody else’s weirdo.

I thought I wanted a career, turns out I just wanted paychecks.

Partying... oops No Only Parting... sorry

A conclusion is simply the place where you got tired of thinking.

Ever stop to think and forget to start again?

Get even – live long enough to be a problem to your kids.

Does this smell like chloroform to you?

Character is what you are in the dark.

The dictionary is the only place where success comes before work.

The world is full of willing people; some willing to work, the rest willing to let them.

INDECISION is the key to FLEXIBILITY.

In a Rome laundry: Ladies, leave your clothes here and spend the afternoon having a good time.

Blessed are those who can laugh at themselves, they will never cease to be amused.

Some people are going to leave a mark on this world, while others will leave a stain.

Maybe I’m lucky to be going so slowly, because I may be going in the wrong direction.

It is not my interest to pay the principal, nor my principal to pay the interest.

Money is better than poverty, if only for financial reasons.

Make sure your mind isn’t so open that your brains fall out.

“Are you going to come quietly, or do I have to use earplugs?”—Vale Spike Milligan

The earthquake in Washington obviously was the government’s fault.

Be nice to your kids. They’ll choose your nursing home.

How Many Roads Must A Man Travel Down Before He Admits He Is Lost?

PMS jokes aren’t funny. Period.

“Managing senior programmers is like herding cats” — Dave Platt.

Always remember you’re unique, just like everyone else.

I installed a skylight in my apartment. The people who live above me are furious.

Those who can laugh without cause have either found the true meaning of happiness or have gone stark raving mad.

“He has been given a large brain by mistake, since for him the spinal cord would fully suffice.” — Albert Einstein

Time is God’s way of keeping everything from happening at once.

“I have never let my schooling interfere with my education.”—Mark Twain

Impotence: Nature’s Way Of Saying “No Hard Feelings”.

My girlfriend told me I should be more affectionate. So I got two more girlfriends.

I’m sorry; you cannot have an outlook on life because it isn’t responding. Microsoft apologises for any inconvenience.

Blessed are the young, for they shall inherit the national debt.

They told me I had type A blood, but it was a Type O

The illegal we do immediately. The unconstitutional takes a little longer. – Henry Kissinger

The more time you spend in reporting on what you are doing, the less time you have to do it in. Stability is achieved when you spend all your time doing nothing but reporting on the nothing you are doing.

The trouble with life is there’s no background music.

If trees could scream, would we be so cavalier about cutting them down? We might, if they screamed all the time, for no good reason.

There are two kinds of people, those who finish what they start, and so on.

Hypochondria is the only disease I haven’t got.

If you’re born again, do you have two bellybuttons?

Sex on television can’t hurt you unless you fall off.

The surprising thing about young fools is how many survive to become old fools.

Lord, if you won’t make me skinny, please make all my friends fat.

It is not what a teenager knows that bothers his parents. It is how he found out.

The most powerful force in the universe is gossip.

Having more money doesn’t make you happier. I have 50 million dollars but I’m just as happy as when I had 48 million. ~ Arnold Schwarzenegger.

If a woman has to choose between catching a fly ball and saving an infant’s life, she will choose to save the infant’s life without even considering if there is a man on base.—Dave Barry

Laugh and the world laughs with you; snore and you sleep alone.

Statistics are like bikinis – What they reveal is suggestive, but what they conceal is vital.

Shin: a device for finding furniture in the dark.

I couldn’t repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.

I dropped out of communism class because of lousy Marx.

I was at a bar nursing a beer. My nipple was getting quite soggy.

Everybody lies, but it doesn’t matter since nobody listens.

Energizer Bunny arrested: Charged with battery.

Always try to be modest and be proud of it!

My mind not only wanders, sometimes it leaves completely.

I spent most of my money on booze, drugs and women... The rest I wasted!

Bigamy is having one wife too many. Monogamy is the same. – Oscar Wilde

I’m desperately trying to figure out why kamikaze pilots wore helmets.

Quantum mechanics: The dreams stuff is made of.

It has recently been discovered that research causes cancer in rats.

The scientific theory I like best is that the rings of Saturn are composed entirely of lost airline luggage.

What does a clock do when it’s hungry? It goes back four seconds.

England has no kidney bank, but it does have a Liverpool.

People can be divided into three groups: Those who make things happen, those who watch things happen, and those who wonder what happened.

How do you spot an Irishman at a carwash? He’s the one on the bike.

The truth is a precious commodity. That’s why I use it so sparingly.

Well, this day was a total waste of makeup.

One of the greatest labour-saving inventions today is tomorrow.

I often quote myself; it adds spice to my conversation.

Two strings walk into a bar. The first string says to the bartender, “Bartender, I’ll have a beer. u.5n$x5t?*&4ru!2[sACCErJ”. The second string says, “Pardon my friend, he isn’t NULL terminated”.

If you can stay calm, while all around you is chaos... then you probably haven’t completely understood the situation.

If At First You Don’t Succeed... Blame Someone Else And Seek Counseling.

All men are equal. Some are just more equal than others.

Living is not worth dying for.

Haunted French pancakes give me the crêpes.

We have two ends. One for sitting and one for thinking. Our success depends on which one we use most.

The art of flying is to throw yourself at the ground and miss.

“Reading computer manuals without the hardware is as frustrating as reading sex manuals without the software.” — Arthur C. Clarke.

Did you hear about the cross-eyed teacher who lost her job because she couldn’t control her pupils?

“As a matter of fact” is an expression that precedes many an expression that isn’t.

Honesty is the best policy, but insanity is a better defence.

They say you only use ten percent of your brain. What about the other ten?

I have a simple philosophy. Fill what’s empty. Empty what’s full. Scratch where it itches.

Age is an issue of mind over matter. If you don’t mind, it doesn’t matter.

I’ve been trying for some time to develop a life style that doesn’t require my presence.

“Things are more like they are now than they ever were before.” – Former U.S. President Dwight D. Eisenhower

If it weren’t for the last minute, nothing would ever get done.

There are 10 types of people in the world: Those who understand binary, and those who don’t.

If the world should blow itself up, the last audible voice would be that of an expert saying it can’t be done.

“Inconceivable!” “I do not think that word means what you think it means.”

Experience is something you do not get until just after you need it.

Mines are equal opportunity weapons.

Make three correct guesses consecutively and you will establish yourself as an expert.

I want to die peacefully in my sleep like my grandfather, not screaming in abject horror like his passengers.

If you do not make dust, you eat dust.

It is wiser to find out than to suppose.—Mark Twain

Some people are alive only because it’s illegal to kill them.

I tried to photograph the fog, but I mist.

Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?

It’s just a job. Grass grows, birds fly, waves pound the sand. I just beat people up. – Muhammad Ali

Who is General Failure and why is he reading my hard disk?

Man who run in front of car get tired.

I’m quite easy to get along with, once you learn to beckon at my every call and yield to all my desires.

What do you call a dinosaur with an extensive vocabulary? A thesaurus.

TEAMWORK... means never having to take all the blame yourself.

At the age of six I wanted to be a cook. At seven I wanted to be Napoleon. And my ambition has been growing steadily ever since.

I work hard because millions on welfare depend on me.

If at first you do succeed, try to hide your astonishment.

Chipped dishes never break.

Madness takes its toll. Please have exact change.

It’s strange, isn’t it. You stand in the middle of a library and go aaaaagghhhh’ and everyone just stares at you. But you do the same thing on an aeroplane, and everyone joins in.

Of course, we are all worms—but I like to think, at least, that I am a glow-worm. – Winston Churchill

My mind works like lightning. One brilliant flash and it is gone.

Don’t talk unless you can improve the silence.

Plato is dead, Einstein is dead, and I’m not feeling too good myself...

Eagles may soar, but weasels don’t get sucked into jet engines.

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Half our life is spent trying to find something to do with the time we have rushed through life trying to save.

I have spent my whole life looking for the perfect woman, and now I’ve found her. Too bad she’s looking for the perfect man.

There are very few personal problems that cannot be solved through a suitable application of high explosives.

I used to be a banker, but then I lost interest.

You can’t have everything. Where would you put it?

“Hey, I’ve got reasons for what I’m doing,” REALLY MEANS, “I sure hope I think of some pretty soon.”

When I’m not in my right mind, my left mind gets pretty crowded

An Apple a day keeps the doctor away. But... an onion a day keeps everyone away.

If at first you don’t succeed, try management.

A baby sitter is a teenager acting like an adult while the adults are out acting like teenagers.

I used to think I was indecisive, but now I’m not sure.

Better to remain silent and be thought a fool, than to speak and remove all doubt.

If at first you don’t succeed, destroy all the evidence that you tried.

It is a small world, but I wouldn’t like to have to paint it.

“On two occasions I have been asked [by members of Parliament!]: ‘Pray, Mr. Babbage, if you put into the machine wrong figures, will the right answers come out ?’ I am not able rightly to apprehend the kind of confusion of ideas that could provoke such a question.” — Charles Babbage.

When you come to a fork in the road, take it.

Be thankful for problems. If they were less difficult, someone with less ability might have your job.

Authority makes some people grow – and others just swell.

I stayed up all night to see where the sun went. Then it dawned on me.

This girl said she recognized me from the vegetarian club, but I’d never met herbivore

I haven’t spoken to my wife for 18 months: I don’t like to interrupt her.

“You start coding. I’ll go find out what they want.” — Computer analyst to programmer

So Many Pedestrians – So Little Time.

I take everything I can for my kleptomania.

One should forgive one’s enemies, but not before they are hanged.

Never underestimate the power of very stupid people in large groups.

I don’t suffer from stress. I’m a carrier.

If you can’t convince them, confuse them.

I Refuse To Have A Battle Of Wits With An Unarmed Person.

If Bill Gates had a nickel for every time Windows crashed... oh wait, he does.

It’s not that I’m afraid to die; I just don’t want to be there when it happens.

As a final incentive before giving up a difficult task, try to imagine it successfully accomplished by someone you violently dislike.

The trouble with the rat race is that even if you win, you’re still a rat.

Why does Sea World have a seafood restaurant? I’m halfway through my fish burger and I realize, Oh my gosh... I could be eating a slow learner.

I love being married. It’s so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.

I got a job at a bakery because I kneaded dough.

Doctor, Doctor I keep getting pains in the eye when I drink coffee. Have you tried taking the spoon out?

99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.

Remember, half the people you know are below average.

I either want less corruption, or more chance to participate in it.

It is hard enough to remember my opinions, without also remembering my reasons for them!

“I could tell that my parents hated me. My bath toys were a toaster and a radio” — Rodney Dangerfield

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Everything you like is bad for you in some way.

Someday we’ll look back on all this and plow into the back of a parked car.

Man who run behind car get exhausted.

I used to find him boring until I stopped listening.

A conscience does not prevent sin. It only prevents you from enjoying it.

Santa’s helpers are subordinate clauses.

Cleverly Disguised As A Responsible Adult.

I changed my iPod’s name to Titanic. It’s syncing now.

A team effort is a lot of people doing what I say

I hate women because they always know where things are.

Don’t stop to stomp on ants when the elephants are stampeding.

Isn’t having a smoking section in a restaurant like having a peeing section in a swimming pool?

I like children. Properly cooked.

Why were the Indians here first? They had reservations.

Artificial Intelligence is no match for Natural Stupidity.

“I think there is a world market for maybe five computers.” — Thomas Watson, chairman of IBM, 1943.

Jack and Jill did it for the insurance.

I tried sniffing Coke once, but the ice cubes got stuck in my nose.

Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian any more than going to the garage makes you a car.

We are going on a field trip to the Coca-Cola factory. I hope there are no pop quizzes.

Anyone who told you to be yourself couldn’t have given you worse advice.

Age is a very high price to pay for maturity.

According to recent study someone is run over by a car every 5 minutes in the city. You’d think the guy would have enough sense to get out of the street.

Seeing a murder on television...will help work off one’s antagonisms. And if you haven’t any antagonisms, the commercials will give you some.

The difference between a stepping-stone and a stumbling block can be when you see it.

111,111,111 x 111,111,111 = 12,345,678,987,654,321

Most vegetarians look so much like the food they eat that they can be classified as cannibals.

Life is complex: it has real and imaginary parts.

Cluster bombing from B-52s is very, very accurate – the bombs always hit the ground.

I took a speed reading course and read ‘War and Peace’ in twenty minutes. It involves Russia. Enough women for four.

Does your train of thought have a caboose?

“Few things are harder to put up with than a good example.”—Mark Twain

I’m out of my mind, but feel free to leave a message.

The trouble with jogging is that, by the time you realise you’re not in shape for it, it’s far too far to walk back.

Eschew obfuscation.

Democracy is a government where you can say what you think even if you don’t think.

I intend to live forever – so far, so good.

If we don’t succeed, we run the risk of failure.

Slow is when someone laps you in the hundred-yard dash

A study in the Washington Post says that women have better verbal skills than men. I just want to say to the authors of that study: “Duh.”— Conan O’Brien

Any task worth doing was worth doing yesterday.

All those who believe in psycho kinesis raise my hand.

Politicians are people who, when they see the light at the end of the tunnel, go out and buy more tunnel.

Never buy a car you can’t push.

Bacteria: the only culture some people have.

I am obviously right, and as you disagree with me, then logically you must be wrong.

Well if this is the wrong number, why did you answer it?

Am I getting smart with you? How would you know?

One martini is all right, two is too many, and three is not enough.

Mental Floss prevents Moral Decay.

The sooner you fall behind the more time you’ll have to catch up.

Every morning is the dawn of a new error.

Gossip: The art of saying nothing while leaving nothing unsaid.

Men occasionally stumble over the truth, but most of them pick themselves up and hurry off as if nothing had happened. – Winston Churchill

A day without sun shine is like, you know, night.

Procrastinate Now!

An army of deer led by a lion is more to be feared than an army of lions led by a deer.

I have gone to look for myself, if I should return before I get back, keep me here.

We’ve made great medical progress in the last generation. What used to be merely an itch is now an allergy.

Borrow money from pessimists- they don’t expect to get it back.

I didn’t like my beard at first. Then it grew on me.

Five out of four people have trouble with fractions.

When in trouble, fear or doubt, run in circles, scream and shout.

Knowledge is the key, but where is the damn lock?

Under capitalism, man exploits man. Under Communism, it’s just the opposite.

If you can’t be kind, at least have the decency to be vague.

I did a theatrical performance about puns. It was a play on words.

“Every mighty oak was once just a nut who stood his ground.”

Leftists are among the first to speak of their rights.

Brain: an apparatus with which we think we think.

I think that’s how Chicago got started. A bunch of people in New York said, “Gee, I’m enjoying the crime and the poverty, but it just isn’t cold enough. Let’s go west.”—Richard Jeni

How do you keep an Irishman busy? Write P.T.O on both sides of a piece of paper.

He who laughs last thinks slowest.

All the toilets in New York’s police stations have been stolen. The police have nothing to go on.

“I have left orders to be awakened at any time in case of national emergency – even if I’m in a Cabinet meeting.” – Ronald Reagan

Someone sent me a postcard picture of the earth. On the back it said, “Wish you were here.”

If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?

I’m not dumb; I just have a command of thoroughly useless information.

Killed - Personality Incompatibility

Somewhere on this globe, every ten seconds, is a woman giving birth to a child. She must be found and stopped.

Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.

I envy people who drink – at least they know what to blame everything on.

You have to stay in shape. My grandmother, she started walking five miles a day when she was 60. She’s 97 today and we don’t know where the hell she is.

The trouble with our times is that the future is not what it used to be.

When all other means of communication fail, try words.

“The web is a dominatrix. Every where I turn, I see little buttons ordering me to Submit.” — Nytwind.

I don’t believe in astrology. I am a Sagittarius and we’re very skeptical. ~ Arthur C. Clarke

“You, you and you: panic. The rest of you, come with me.”

You’re not drunk if you can lie on the floor without holding on.

When I was a boy I was told that anybody could become president; I’m beginning to believe it.

If you choke a smurf, what colour does it turn?

The only perfect science is hindsight.

From the moment I picked your book up until I laid it down I was convulsed with laughter. Some day I intend reading it.

I had amnesia once or twice.

If everything is coming your way, you are probably in the wrong lane.

If you don’t know why I’m mad at you, then I’m certainly not going to tell you

How do you know if a fish is Irish? It has drowned.

Tips for Vegetarians: Hit a chicken enough times and it turns into a vegetable.

Don’t use a big word where a diminutive one will suffice.

When your IQ reaches 80 –– sell.

I don’t necessarily agree with everything I say.

You’re such an inspiration for the way I’ll never choose to be.

“Always in motion the future is. Seasick it makes me. That’s why so green I am”. – Yoda

Perhaps you’re diagonally parked in a parallel universe?

I spilled spot remover on my dog. Now he’s gone.

Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.

Accept that some days you’re the pigeon, and some days you’re the statue.

If a President doesn’t do it to his wife, he’ll do it to his country.

I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.

A synonym is a word you use when you can’t spell the word you first thought of.

Needing someone is like needing a parachute. If he isn’t there the first time you need him, chances are you won’t be needing him again.

Bacteria: the only culture some people have.

At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be “What is hell?” Come early and listen to our choir practice.

Cheer up, the worst is yet to come.

“A patriot must always be ready to defend his country against his government”. — Edward Abbey

“Life is a waste of time, time is a waste of life, so get wasted all of the time and have the time of your life”. — Tom Waits

A bird in the hand is safer than one overhead.

Half of the people in the world are below average.

An egotist has one point in his favour – he doesn’t go round talking about other people.

“#define QUESTION ((bb) || !(bb))” — Shakespeare

My husband and I divorced over religious differences... He thought he was God and I didn’t.

Man does not live by words alone, despite the fact that sometimes he has to eat them.

Englishmen never will be slaves: they are free to do whatever the Government and public opinion allow them to do.

A pessimist is a man who has been compelled to live with an optimist

I arise in the morning torn between a desire to improve the world and a desire to enjoy the world. This makes it hard to plan the day.

If people concentrated on the really important things in life, there’d be a shortage of fishing poles.

Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy.

I plead contemporary insanity.

“Everyday I beat my own previous record for number of consecutive days I’ve stayed alive.”

“I’ve been on a calendar but I have never been on time” – Marilyn Monroe

A bachelor is a man who comes to work from a different direction each morning.

To succeed in politics, it is often necessary to rise above your principles.

Cole’s Law: Thinly sliced cabbage.

If quizzes are quizzical, what are tests?

It doesn’t matter what temperature the room is; it’s always room temperature.

We Quit Voting Will They All Go Away?

Well, if I called the wrong number, why did you answer the phone?

Why is it called tourist season if we can’t shoot at them?

A cartoonist was found dead in his home. Details are sketchy.

I married my wife for her looks... but not the ones she’s been giving me lately!

Snowmen fall from Heaven unassembled.

In a Budapest zoo: Please do not feed the animals. If you have any suitable food, give it to the guard on duty.

I wondered why the baseball was getting bigger. Then it hit me.

Advertisement for donkey rides in Thailand: Would you like to ride on your own ass?

I started out with nothing, and I still have most of it.

Anything not nailed down is mine. Anything I can pry loose is not nailed down.

What if there were no hypothetical questions?

Solitude is fine, but you need someone to tell you that solitude is fine.

Honk if you love peace and quiet.

“War does not determine who is right - only who is left.” – Bertrand Russell

Tip the world over on its side and everything loose will land in Los Angeles.

Jokes about German sausage are the wurst.

I heard a man say that brigands demand your money or your life, whereas women require both.

This Would Be Really Funny If It Weren’t Happening To Me.

“I would like to live in Manchester, England. The transition between Manchester and death would be unnoticeable”. — Mark Twain

“I’d rather have a bottle in front of me, than a frontal lobotomy”. — Tom Waits

A great many people think they are thinking when they are merely rearranging their prejudices.

Age always corresponds inversely to the size of your multivitamin.

Progress was all right. Only it went on too long.

I don’t enjoy computer jokes; not one bit.

Anything not nailed down is a cat toy.

Hope sees the invisible, feels the intangible and achieves the impossible.

“I wish everyone was peaceful. Then I could take over the planet with a butter knife”—Dogbert

“Blink your eyelids periodically to lubricate your eyes.” — Page 16 of the HP “Environmental, Health Safety Handbook for Employees”.

Never go to a doctor whose office plants have died.

Illiterate? Write For Help.

The human brain is a wonderful thing. It starts working the moment you are born, and never stops until you stand up to speak in public.

Time flies like an arrow – fruit flies like a banana.

There are only three kinds of people; people who can count and people who can’t.

To B or not to B? *kills the B* I HATE BEES!!!! – LynxofCP

To find out a girl’s faults, praise her to her girl friends.

I used to be a Kleptomaniac, But now I’m taking something for it

Quantum: Noun, word used to sound like I know what I’m talking about while discussing physics I’ve never actually studied.

Despite the cost of living it’s still very popular.

This guy walks into a bar and the barman says “Ouch, that must have hurt”

Youth is a wonderful thing. What a crime to waste it on children.

The only difference between Genius and Insanity... is success.

It is a fitting irony that under Richard Nixon, ‘launder’ became a dirty word.

I have the body of a GOD – Buddha.

Birthdays are good for you. Statistics show that the people who have the most live the longest.

Errors have been made. Others will be blamed.

I don’t like people who take drugs... Customs Officers for example.

I live in my own little world, but it’s ok they know me here.

Never put both feet in your mouth at the same time, because then you don’t have a leg to stand on.

There’s a difference between being open-minded and having a hole in your head

I’m reading a book about anti-gravity. I can’t put it down.

One day I will get this peer guy and reset his connection.

If vegetable oil comes from vegetables, where does baby oil come from?

If it weren’t for electricity we’d all be watching television by candlelight?

Hemp is a herb. Bush is a dope.

If we learn by our mistakes, some of us are getting one hell of an education!

In a Tokyo shop: Our nylons cost more than common, but you’ll find they are best in the long run.

“When in doubt tell the truth.”—Mark Twain

Arguing on the Internet is like competing in the Special Olympics – even if you win, you are still retarded.

They say if you play a Microsoft CD backwards you hear satanic messages. That’s nothing, if you play it forwards it installs Windows.

You can always spot a well-informed man – his views are the same as yours.

A dyslexic man walks into a bra.

Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying of nothing.

“Banking establishments are more dangerous than standing armies”. — Thomas Jefferson

Support bacteria – they’re the only culture some people have.

It is even harder for the average ape to believe that he has descended from man.

Show me a piano falling down a mineshaft and I’ll show you A-flat minor.

In a Norwegian cocktail lounge: Ladies are requested not to have children in the bar.

Time’s fun when you’re having flies... Kermit the Frog

Outside a Hong Kong tailor shop: Ladies may have a fit upstairs.

“My computer NEVER loc

Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.

Fundamentalism: Believe in a kind, loving God or we’ll kill you!

What do you call a dinosaur with an extensive vocabulary? A thesaurus.

Work expands to fill the time available. — PARKINSON’S LAW

To define recursion, we must first define recursion.

“My wife made me join a bridge club. I jump off next Tuesday” — Rodney Dangerfield

The fellow who thinks he knows it all is especially annoying to those of us who do.

You’ll never get to heaven if you’re scared of getting high.

I’m not into working out. My philosophy: No pain, no pain.

I used to think I was indecisive, but now I’m not sure.

Everybody has a photographic memory. Some don’t have film.

Humour. It is a difficult concept. It is not logical.

Go the extra mile. It makes your boss look like an incompetent slacker.

What happens if you get scared half to death twice?

If you don’t learn to laugh at troubles, you won’t have anything to laugh at when you grow old.

Before you give a colleague a piece of your mind, be sure you can spare it.

Being a philosopher, I have a problem for every solution.

It’s not hard to meet expenses, they’re everywhere.

You have the right to your opinions. I just don’t want to hear them.

Some people are alive only because it’s illegal to kill them.

If you can’t dazzle them with brilliance... just baffle them with bullsh*t.

He who smiles in a crisis has found someone to blame.

A committee is a body that keeps minutes and wastes hours.

Latest survey shows that 3 out of 4 people make up 75% of the world’s population.

If I have to work for an idiot, I might as well work for myself.

Laugh at your problems; everybody else does.

Foolproof systems don’t take into account the ingenuity of fools.

No sense being pessimistic, it probably wouldn’t work anyway.

Horn broken. Watch for finger. (on bumper sticker)

Legend: a lie that has attained the dignity of age.

Any ship can be a minesweeper... once.

The amount of work to be done increases in proportion to the amount of work already completed. — VAIL’S SECOND AXIOM

Everyone hates me because I’m paranoid.

In democracy it’s your vote that counts. In feudalism it’s your count that votes.

Life is far too important to be taken seriously.

If money talks, it ain’t on speakin’ terms with me.

“If women didn’t exist, all the money in the world would have no meaning.” – Aristotle Onassis

Once, during prohibition, I was forced to live for days on nothing but food and water.

As long as there are tests, there will be prayer in public schools.

The short fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.

“A girl phoned me the other day and said... Come on over, there’s nobody home. I went over. Nobody was home” — Rodney Dangerfield

In the office of a Roman doctor: Specialist in women and other diseases.

A dog that attends a flea circus most likely will steal the whole show.

I married Miss Right. I just didn’t know her first name was Always.

For people who like peace and quiet – a phoneless cord.

I was the next door kid’s imaginary friend.

How can you come out of a closet if you never went in there in the first place?

That which cannot be taken apart will fall apart.

I think, therefore I am single.

A bird does not sing because it has an answer—it sings because it has a song.

Pick your friends but not to pieces.

God must love stupid people, he made so many.

“Einstein argued that there must be simplified explanations of nature, because God is not capricious or arbitrary. No such faith comforts the software engineer.” — Fred Brooks.

“I worked in a pet shop and people kept asking how big I’d get” — Rodney Dangerfield

“There are only two things that are infinite: the universe and human stupidity. And I’m not sure about the universe.” A. Einstein

If olive oil comes from olives, where does baby oil come from?

I hope that after I die, people will say of me: “That guy sure owed me a lot of money.”

“Your mouse has moved. Windows must be restarted for the change to take effect. Reboot now ? [OK]”

If life was fair, Elvis would be alive and all the impersonators would be dead.

The dumber people think you are, the more surprised they’re going to be when you kill them—Rodney Dangerfield

In this world, nothing is certain but death and taxes. – Benjamin Franklin

Some people say that I must be a horrible person, but that’s not true. I have the heart of a young boy – in a jar on my desk.

Where there’s a will, I want to be in it.

When angry count four, when very angry, swear.

Hard work never killed anybody but why take the chance?

Smith & Wesson — the original point and click interface.

My favorite mythical creature? The honest politician.

Democracy is a process by which people are free to choose the man who will get the blame.

Take my advice, I don’t use it anyway.

The best computer is a man, and it’s the only one that can be mass-produced by unskilled labour.

Success always occurs in private, and failure in full public view.

Anger is only one letter away from danger.

A guy got arrested for playing the guitar. He was fingering a minor.

Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

I laugh in the face of danger, except if I’m involved.

Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?

Everybody is ignorant, only on different subjects.

If you don’t know where you are going, you will wind up somewhere else.

Everything is possible; just not too probable.

I get enough exercise just pushing my luck.

Everybody is ignorant, only on different subjects.

Originality is the fine art of remembering what you hear, but forgetting where you heard it.

“How can a president not be an actor?” – when asked “How could an actor become president?” – Ronald Reagan

Why is the man that invests your money called a broker?

If ever I get married again it would have to be under an anaesthetic.

A diplomatic husband said to his wife, how do you expect me to remember your birthday when you never look any older?

You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.

I have great faith in fools; my friends call it self-confidence.

No problem is so big and complicated that it can’t be ran away from.

Brilliant, but with the social skills of a thermonuclear device.

It is said that if you line up all the cars in the world end to end, someone would be stupid enough to try and pass them.

Ninety-nine per cent of the people in the world are fools and the rest of us are in great danger of contagion.

Climbers aim for the summit because it is there. Bungi jumpers dive off the top because they aren’t all there.

“Thinking is the hardest work there is, which is probably why so few engage in it”. — Henry Ford

Anything’s possible... apart from skiing through a revolving door.

Don’t look back. Something may be gaining on you.

Always do sober what you said you’d do drunk. That will teach you to keep your mouth shut.

Help Wanted: Telepath. You know where to apply.

The beatings will continue until morale improves.

Prediction is extremely difficult. Especially about the future.

If the human brain were so simple that we could understand it, we would be so simple we couldn’t.

The sooner you fall behind the more time you’ll have to catch up.

“The best thing about the future is that it comes only one day at a time.” – Abraham Lincoln

Alcohol: the cause of, and solution to, all of life’s problems.

If I were someone who knew something, who could I tell that would believe me?

If you’re not wasted, the day is.

If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?

The things that come to those that wait may be the things left by those who got there first.

What Has Four Legs And An Arm? A Happy Pit Bull.

If I’d known I was going to live this long, I’d have taken better care of myself.

Bachelors have consciences, married men have wives.

Cheerfulness is contagious, but don’t wait to catch it from others. Be a carrier.

Jokes about German sausage are the wurst.

“There are two major products that come out of Berkeley: LSD and UNIX. We don’t believe this to be a coincidence.” — Jeremy S. Anderson

There are two kinds of people, those who finish what they start, and so on.

I always wanted to be a procrastinator, never got around to it though.

Stupidity is not a handicap! Park somewhere else!

Experience is simply the name we give our mistakes.

Allow me to introduce my selves.

A backwards poet writes inverse.

Succeed in spite of management. Aim Low; Reach Your Goals, Avoid Disappointment.

Save the whales. Collect the whole set.

“The object of war is not to die for your country but to make the other bastard die for his.” – General George Patton

I don’t suffer from stress. I’m a carrier.

There are 3 kinds of people: those who can count and those who can’t.

“People who drink light beer don’t like the taste of beer; they just like to pee a lot” — Rodney Dangerfield

By the time a man realises that his father was right, he has a son who thinks he’s wrong.

A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a train stops. On my desk I have a workstation...

A penny saved is a Congressional spending oversight.

“Then he ran into my knife. He ran into my knife ten times.” – Chicago

It’s not true that married men live longer than single men. It only seems longer.

I always wanted to be somebody, but I should have been more specific.

Sometimes I wake up grumpy; other times I let her sleep

Why don’t you ever see the headline “Psychic Wins Lottery”?

A printer consists of three main parts: the case, the jammed paper tray and the blinking red light

Outside of a dog, a book is probably man’s best friend, and inside of a dog, it’s too dark to read.

The early bird gets the worm, but the early worm gets eaten.

I had some words with my wife, and she had some paragraphs with me.

The secret of success is sincerity. Once you can fake that you’ve got it made.

In the beginning, there was nothing. Then God said, “Let there be light,” and there was still nothing, but you could see it.

Don’t be irreplaceable; if you cannot be replaced, you cannot be promoted.

Cab drivers are living proof that practice does not make perfect.

I am not a vegetarian because I love animals; I am a vegetarian because I hate plants.

When he first ran for office, he appealed to the voters: “I never stole anything in my life. All I ask is a chance.”

Sheep don’t fly so much as plummet.

Mind like a steel trap – rusty and illegal in most states.

If you want your spouse to listen and pay strict attention to every word you say, talk in your sleep.

Even paranoids have real enemies.

I’d give my right arm to be ambidextrous.

Just remember... if the world didn’t suck, we’d all fall off.

I wonder how much deeper would the ocean be without sponges.

Is Disney World the only people trap operated by a mouse?

Comedy is tragedy plus time.

It’s important to be open-minded, but not SO open-minded that your brains fall out.

Pardon my driving, I am reloading.

“The generation of random numbers is too important to be left to chance.” — Robert R. Coveyou, Oak Ridge National Laboratory.

Don’t use a big word where a diminutive one will suffice.

Youth would be an ideal state if it came a little later in life.

Best way to get a man to do something, is to suggest they are too old for it.

Smoking cures weight problems...eventually...

I’m in no shape to exercise.

A soldier who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran.

Compromise: the art of dividing a cake so that everybody believes he or she got the biggest piece.

When you do not know what you are doing, do it neatly.

I fear my inferiority complex is not as good as yours.

“They say hard work never hurt anybody, but I figure why take the chance.” – Ronald Reagan

An egotist is a person of low taste—more interested in himself than in me.

Where you stand depends on where you sit.

e=mc^2 where m = the number of cooks required to spoil the broth

Eagles may soar, but weasels don’t get sucked into jet engines.

Marathon runners with bad footwear suffer the agony of defeat.

I love cats – they taste just like chicken.

If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?

Nobody can be exactly like me. Even I have trouble doing it.

How do I set a laser printer to stun?

I majored in liberal arts. Will that be for here or to go?

I don’t have a solution but I admire the problem.

Streakers beware: Your end is in sight.

On a tombstone: I TOLD YOU I WAS SICK

When life hands you a lemon, make lemonade.

I love work; it fascinates me; I can sit and watch it for hours.

I’m an apathetic sociopath – I’d kill you if I cared.

Velcro — what a rip off!

Ours is a world where people don’t know what they want and are willing to go through hell to get it.

Plan to be spontaneous tomorrow.

A clean tie attracts the soup of the day.

Don’t marry for money. You can borrow it cheaper.

If it’s true that we are here to help others, then what exactly are the others here for?

If you’re not confused, you’re not paying attention.

Life... I don’t get it...

One good turn gets most of the blankets.

The only reason some people get lost in thought is because it’s unfamiliar territory.

Marriage changes passion... suddenly you’re in bed with a relative.

“If builders built buildings the way programmers write programs, then the first woodpecker that came along would destroy civilization” — Weinberg’s Second Law.

Anyone can admit they were wrong; the true test is admitting it to someone else.

How did Moses make his tea? Hebrews it.

“If carrots are so good for the eyes, how come I see so many dead rabbits on the highway?”

Promises are like babies: fun to make, but hell to deliver.

Confidence is the feeling you have before you understand the situation

The doctor can bury his mistakes but an architect can only advise his client to plant vines.

Where do you find an Irish woodworm? Dead inside a brick.

Warning: Dates in Calendar are closer than they appear.

Whenever I feel like exercise, I lie down until the feeling passes.

In elementary school, in case of fire, you have to line up quietly in a single file line from smallest to tallest. What is the logic? Do tall people burn slower?

If you can’t convince them, confuse them.

A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat.

If puns were outlawed, only outlaws would have puns.

I am amazed at radio DJ’s today. I am firmly convinced that AM on my radio stands for Absolute Moron. I will not begin to tell you what FM stands for.

Connection Reset By Aboriginal With Wire Cutters

An Irish man was driving to the airport when he saw a sign saying ‘Airport – Left’... So he went home.

I’m an idealist: I don’t know where I’m going, but I’m on my way.

The most precious thing we have is life. Yet it has absolutely no trade-in value.

Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way when you criticize them, you are a mile away from them and you have their shoes.

Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

Technology is a way of organizing the universe so that man doesn’t have to experience it.

How do you get an Irishman to burn his ear? Ring him up while he is ironing.

I’d like to see things your way, but I’m looking in another direction.

Be kind to your dentist. He has fillings, too.

There are two types of people in this world, good and bad. The good sleep better, but the bad seem to enjoy the waking hours much more.

One good thing about repeating your mistakes is that you know when to cringe.

How do you sink an Irish Submarine? Knock on the hatch.

You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say will be misquoted then used against you.

“Reader, suppose you were an idiot. And suppose you were a member of Congress. But I repeat myself”. — Mark Twain

There is nothing so annoying as to have two people go right on talking when you’re interrupting.

When you get a bladder infection, urine trouble.

I like to start my periods with sentences.

Half of being smart is knowing what you are dumb at.

Stupidity is not a handicap. Park elsewhere!

You look like a million dollars. All green and wrinkled.

Macho Law prohibits me from admitting I’m wrong.

Remember half the people you know are below average.

Early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.

“Oh dear,” said God, “I hadn’t thought of that,” and promptly vanished in a puff of logic.

The day I can’t do my job drunk is the day I turn in my badge and gun.

Just because you’re not paranoid doesn’t mean they’re not out to get you.

Roses are red, Violets are blue. In Soviet Russia, Poems write you.

If someone with multiple personalities threatens suicide... is it considered a hostage situation?

If a job is worth doing well get someone else to do it.

I generally avoid temptation unless I can’t resist it.

There’s a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot.

I am free of all prejudices. I hate everyone equally.

Military intelligence is a contradiction in terms.

Everyone needs belief in something. I believe I’ll have another beer.

I used up all my sick days, so I’m calling in dead.

Men don’t care what’s on TV. They only care what else is on TV.

Whenever people agree with me, I always feel I must be wrong.

I’m not afraid of heights, only widths.

When you are arguing with an idiot, make sure the other person isn’t doing the same thing.

I know a guy who is addicted to brake fluid. He says he can stop anytime.

Why is it that doctors call what they do “practice”?

On the keyboard of life, always keep one finger on the escape key.

If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?

Time is a great teacher, but unfortunately it kills all its pupils.

IRS: We’ve got what it takes to take what you’ve got.

Constipated People Don’t Give A Crap.

“You have to be careful about being too careful” – Beryl Pfizer

It used to be only death and taxes were inevitable. Now, of course, there’s shipping and handling, too.

A person who smiles in the face of adversity... probably has a scapegoat.

What’s another word for Thesaurus?

Plagiarism saves time.

If you think nobody cares if you’re alive, try missing a couple of car payments.

“I’ve noticed that everyone who is for abortion has already been born.” – Ronald Reagan

Men have a much better time of it than women; for one thing, they marry later; for another thing they die earlier.

Confidence is the feeling you have before you understand the situation.

Man shoots neighbour with machete [The Miami Herald, July 3]

The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.

Proofread carefully to see if you any words out.

“C++ : Where friends have access to your private members.” — Gavin Russell Baker.

Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?

He does the work of three men: Larry, Moe and Curly.

Even crime wouldn’t pay if the government ran it.

Not all men are annoying. Some are dead.

Nick Overruled - Democratic Majority Decision

Lots of people know a good thing the minute the other fellow sees it first.

Acupuncture is a jab well done.

This mind intentionally left blank

Vote for the man who promises least; he’ll be the least disappointing.

If the French were really intelligent, they’d speak English.

Democracy is the recurrent suspicion that more than half of the people are right more than half of the time.

Get a new car for your spouse – it’ll be a great trade!

Don’t take life too seriously—you’ll never get out of it alive.

On the other hand you have different fingers.

The man who fell into an upholstery machine is fully recovered.

It’s easy to quit smoking... I’ve done it over 10,000 times.

Booze is the answer. I don’t remember the question.

I am a nobody, nobody is perfect, therefore I’m perfect.

A hangover is the wrath of grapes.

“This report, by its very length, defends itself against the risk of being read”. — Winston Churchill

Years ago fairy tales began with “Once upon a time...” Now it’s “If I am elected...”

Red Tape Holds Up New Bridge!

There’s a fine line between genius and insanity. I have erased this line.

“I believe in equality for everyone, except reporters and photographers”. — Gandhi

Man who drive like hell bound to get there.

Work: It isn’t just for sleeping anymore.

I don’t approve of political jokes... I’ve seen too many of them get elected.

My parents stayed together for forty years, but that was out of spite.

We waste time, so you don’t have to.

Anything that can become tangled around something else, will.

After all is said and done, more is said than done.

The second day of a diet is alway easier than the first. By the second day, you’re off it.

Don’t Be Sexist – Broads Hate That.

Whenever there is any doubt, there is no doubt.

I can please only one person per day. Today is not your day. Tomorrow isn’t looking good either.

He who trains his tongue to quote the learned sages, will be known far and wide as a smart ass.

The chance of a piece of bread falling with the buttered side down is directly proportional to the cost of the carpet.

I guess traffic in the city is improving a little. Yesterday, I drove clear across town and only had to shave twice.

Nothing means nothing, but it isn’t really nothing because nothing is something that isn’t.

If it’s 0 degrees today and it’s going to be twice as cold tomorrow... how cold will it be?

Just because your head is the biggest doesn’t mean it contains the right ideas.

Why is the third hand on the watch called a second hand?

My schoolmates would make love to anything that moved, but I never saw any reason to limit myself.

Laughing stock: cattle with a sense of humour.

I wished the buck stopped here, as I could use a few.

Insanity is hereditary; you can get it from your children.

Sheep don’t fly so much as plummet.

Moderation in all things, including moderation.

When I was young, I could remember anything. Whether it happened or not.

My husband says I never listen to him (at least I think that’s what he said)

I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol.

Abel Tasman on discovering Tasmania, “Too far south for spices and too close to the rim of the earth to be inhabited by anything but freaks and monsters”

Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7th of your life.

Remember... Marriage is the number one cause of divorce. Statistically, 100% of all divorces started with marriage.

Next time you wave, use all your fingers.

When Chemists die, they barium.

Restarting System - Mouse Moved

My life has a superb cast but I can’t figure out the plot.

What’s the definition of a will? (It’s a dead giveaway).

Genius is 1% inspiration, and 99% perspiration.

I stayed up all night to see where the sun went. Then it dawned on me.

It is well to remember the entire population of the universe, with one trifling exception, is composed of others.

Eat a live toad first thing in the morning, and nothing worse can happen to you the rest of the day.

I don’t meet competition. I crush it

Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don’t.

Early to rise, early to bed, makes a man healthy but socially dead.

If sex is such a natural phenomenon, how come there are so many books on how to do it.

Men are from earth. Women are from earth. Deal with it.

“Always be sincere, even when you don’t mean it”. — Irene Peter

Hang in there; retirement is only thirty years away.

If automobiles had followed the same development cycle as the computer, a Rolls Royce would today cost $100, get a million miles per gallon, and explode once a year, killing everyone inside.

Age is a question of mind over matter. If you don’t mind, it don’t matter.

Computers make it easy to do a lot of things, but most of the things that make it easier to do don’t need to be done.

My one regret in life is that I am not someone else.

Be careful when reading health books; you may die of a misprint.

All my life, I always wanted to be somebody. Now I see that I should have been more specific.

If you try and don’t succeed, cheat. Repeat until caught. Then lie.

I don’t have an attitude problem. You have a perception problem.

Heck is where people go who don’t believe in gosh.

If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?

Shin: a device for finding furniture in the dark.

There is no such thing as an underestimate of average intelligence

Man who eat many prunes get good run for money.

Modesty is a virtue of fools.

Good judgement comes from experience. Experience comes from bad judgement.

Never argue with an idiot. They drag you down to their level then beat you with experience.

Applying computer technology is simply finding the right wrench to pound in the correct screw.

This comment is printed on 100% recycled electrons.

Without question, the greatest invention in the history of mankind is beer. Oh, I grant you that the wheel was also a fine invention, but the wheel does not go nearly as well with pizza.

He’s so lazy. I’ve seen him step into a revolving door and wait.

You can say any foolish thing to a dog, and the dog will give you a look that says, “My God, you’re right! I never would’ve thought of that!”

If all you have is a hammer, everything looks like a nail.

Chaos, panic, & disorder – my work here is done.

Murphy’s Golden Rule: Whoever has the gold makes the rules.

Last night I lay in bed looking up at the stars in the sky and I thought to myself, “Where the heck is the ceiling?”

We spend the first twelve months of our children’s lives teaching them to walk and talk and the next twelve telling them to sit down and shut up.

Money is flat and meant to be piled up. – Scottish Proverb

Money can’t buy happiness, but it sure makes misery easier to live with.

My reality check just bounced.

If I were two-faced, would I be wearing this one?

Raising teenagers is like trying to nail Jell-O to a tree.

“Auntie Em: hate you, hate Kansas, taking the dog.” – Dorothy

In a Copenhagen airline ticket office: We take your bags and send them in all directions.

Sometimes I think the surest sign that intelligent life exists elsewhere in the universe is that none of it has tried to contact us.

If at first you don’t succeed, skydiving is not your sport.

If we aren’t supposed to eat animals, why are they made of meat?

I love deadlines. I especially like the whooshing sound they make as they go flying by.

Connection Reset - Insufficient Electrons

Some pain is physical, and some is mental, but one that’s both is dental.

If a man opens a car door for a woman, either the car is new or the woman.

If you can’t beat your computer at chess, try kickboxing.

Optimists believe we live on the greatest world. Pessimists believe this is true.

Caution – Driver Legally Blonde!

Women like silent men. They think they’re listening.

I Haven’t Lost My Mind, It’s Backed Up On Disk Somewhere.

For Sale: Parachute. Only used once, never opened, small stain.

Anywhere is walking distance, if you’ve got the time.

Remember the teakettle; though up to its neck in hot water, it continues to sing.

We must believe in free will, we have no choice.

What sane person could live in this world and not be crazy?

Love is blind, but marriage is a real eye-opener.

Marriage is not a word; it is a sentence.

He often broke into song because he couldn’t find the key.

Why is it that to stop Windows, you have to click on “Start”?

The light at the end of the tunnel has been turned off due to budget cuts.

A procrastinator’s work is never done.

I have noticed that the people who are late are often so much jollier that the people who have to wait for them.

If you want a committed man, look in a mental hospital.

Friends may come and go, but enemies accumulate

Every time I look at you I get a fierce desire to be lonesome.

Men’s faults are many, women have only two. Everything they say, and everything they do.

He’s not dead, he’s electroencephalographically challenged.

Doctor, Doctor You’ve got to help me – I just can’t stop my hands shaking. Do you drink a lot? Not really – I spill most of it!

If you don’t know where you are going, you might wind up someplace else.

“I am not worried about the deficit. It is big enough to take care of itself.” – Ronald Reagan

People with narrow minds usually have broad tongues.

People don’t grow up; they just learn how to act in public.

I think animal testing is a terrible idea; they get all nervous and give the wrong answers.

Honest criticism is hard to take, particularly from a relative, a friend, an acquaintance, or a stranger.

I’d explain it to you, but your brain would explode.

Programmer – A red-eyed, mumbling mammal capable of conversing with inanimate objects.

What hair color do they put on the driver’s licenses of bald men?

Wine divulges truth.

I’ve always wanted to be normal, but lately I’ve come to suspect that this is it.

Venison for dinner again? Oh deer!

A drop of ink may make a million think.

AIBOHPHOBIA – the fear of palindromes.

I used to be apathetic, but now I don’t give a damn.

If at first you don’t succeed, try, try again. Then quit. There’s no use being a damned fool about it.

If con is the opposite of pro, congress is the opposite of progress.

“This ‘telephone’ has too many shortcomings to be seriously considered as a means of communication.” — Western Union internal memo, 1876.

Is there life before death?

Consciousness: that annoying time between naps.

“You can always count on Americans to do the right thing—after they’ve tried everything else” – Winston Churchill

Love is like an hourglass, with the heart filling up as the brain empties.

Only a fool is astonished by the foolishness of humankind.

Time sneaks up on you like a windshield on a bug.

Lead us not into temptation. Just tell us where it is; we’ll find it.

Instead of getting married again, I’m going to find a woman I don’t like and just give her a house.—Rod Stewart

Being single is like a vacuum. It sucks when you are turned on.

“There is no reason anyone would want a computer in their home.” — Ken Olson, founder of Digital Equipment Corp., 1977.

Marriage is a three-ring circus: engagement ring, wedding ring, and suffering.

You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They left a little note on the windscreen, it said ‘Parking Fine.’

Never put off until tomorrow what you can avoid altogether.

“Heavier-than-air flying machines are impossible.” — Lord Kelvin, president, Royal Society, 1895.

Why do we wash bath towels, aren’t we clean when we use them?

Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.

In the beginning, God created earth and rested. Then God created man and rested. Then God created woman. Since then, neither God nor man has rested.

“How come we choose from just two people to run for president and 50 for Miss America?”

“When you starve with a tiger, the tiger starves last”. — Griffin’s Thought

Before marriage, a man yearns for the woman he loves. After marriage, the ‘Y’ becomes silent.

I have had more trouble with myself than with any other man I’ve met.

History will be kind to me for I intend to write it. – Winston Churchill

If you don’t pay your exorcist you get repossessed.

It’s bad luck to be superstitious.

The shortest distance between two points is under construction.

People who think they know everything are annoying to those of us who do.

It’s hard to face the problem, when the problem is your face.

I like kids, but I don’t think I could eat a whole one.

Tell me what you need, and I’ll tell you how to get along without it.

When a clock is hungry, it goes back four seconds.

I majored in liberal arts. Will that be for here or to go?

I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.

I don’t want to achieve immortality through my work. I want to achieve immortality through not dying.

Being in the army is like being in the Boy Scouts, except that the Boy Scouts have adult supervision.

System Error - Windows Loaded

Two signs from a Majorcan shop entrance: English well speaking / Here speeching American.

A bargain is something you don’t need at a price you can’t resist.

There are three ways to get something done: do it yourself, hire someone, or forbid your kids to do it.

To err is human – and to blame it on a computer is even more so.

I can resist everything except temptation.

Oh, don’t fuss. I just cut myself. It’s no big deal,” REALLY MEANS, “I have actually severed a limb, but will bleed to death before I admit I’m hurt.”

The number of people watching you is directly proportional to the stupidity of your action.

On the plus side, death is one of the few things that can be done just as easily as lying down.

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