Amusing Quotes & One-Liners — Ned Martin’s Amused

Amusing Quotes & One-Liners

A guy got arrested for playing the guitar. He was fingering a minor.

They told me I had type A blood, but it was a Type O

Only a fool is astonished by the foolishness of humankind.

Everything you like is bad for you in some way.

Horn broken. Watch for finger. (on bumper sticker)

I used to be apathetic, but now I don’t give a damn.

Those who can laugh without cause have either found the true meaning of happiness or have gone stark raving mad.

Laughing stock: cattle with a sense of humour.

Oh, don’t fuss. I just cut myself. It’s no big deal,” REALLY MEANS, “I have actually severed a limb, but will bleed to death before I admit I’m hurt.”

I spilled spot remover on my dog. Now he’s gone.

I don’t like people who take drugs... Customs Officers for example.

What sane person could live in this world and not be crazy?

On a tombstone: I TOLD YOU I WAS SICK

“Thinking is the hardest work there is, which is probably why so few engage in it”. — Henry Ford

According to recent study someone is run over by a car every 5 minutes in the city. You’d think the guy would have enough sense to get out of the street.

“Oh dear,” said God, “I hadn’t thought of that,” and promptly vanished in a puff of logic.

A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a train stops. On my desk I have a workstation...

“The best thing about the future is that it comes only one day at a time.” – Abraham Lincoln

The surprising thing about young fools is how many survive to become old fools.

The light at the end of the tunnel has been turned off due to budget cuts.

How Many Roads Must A Man Travel Down Before He Admits He Is Lost?

Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way when you criticize them, you are a mile away from them and you have their shoes.

Doctor, Doctor I keep getting pains in the eye when I drink coffee. Have you tried taking the spoon out?

I was at a bar nursing a beer. My nipple was getting quite soggy.

You can always spot a well-informed man – his views are the same as yours.

Whenever I feel like exercise, I lie down until the feeling passes.

“Inconceivable!” “I do not think that word means what you think it means.”

Tell me what you need, and I’ll tell you how to get along without it.

Conscience is the inner voice warning us that someone may be looking.

If olive oil comes from olives, where does baby oil come from?

Don’t be irreplaceable; if you cannot be replaced, you cannot be promoted.

Remember, half the people you know are below average.

What happens if you get scared half to death twice?

“Things are more like they are now than they ever were before.” – Former U.S. President Dwight D. Eisenhower

Hope sees the invisible, feels the intangible and achieves the impossible.

Compromise: the art of dividing a cake so that everybody believes he or she got the biggest piece.

Maybe I’m lucky to be going so slowly, because I may be going in the wrong direction.

Always try to be modest and be proud of it!

Democracy is a process by which people are free to choose the man who will get the blame.

This Would Be Really Funny If It Weren’t Happening To Me.

People can be divided into three groups: Those who make things happen, those who watch things happen, and those who wonder what happened.

Consciousness: that annoying time between naps.

I like kids, but I don’t think I could eat a whole one.

Don’t stop to stomp on ants when the elephants are stampeding.

A soldier who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran.

Be careful when reading health books; you may die of a misprint.

“C++ : Where friends have access to your private members.” — Gavin Russell Baker.

If you don’t know where you are going, you might wind up someplace else.

“Auntie Em: hate you, hate Kansas, taking the dog.” – Dorothy

Lord, if you won’t make me skinny, please make all my friends fat.

Life is complex: it has real and imaginary parts.

Everything is possible; just not too probable.

Artificial Intelligence is no match for Natural Stupidity.

I married Miss Right. I just didn’t know her first name was Always.

A diplomatic husband said to his wife, how do you expect me to remember your birthday when you never look any older?

A bird in the hand is safer than one overhead.

As long as there are tests, there will be prayer in public schools.

Youth would be an ideal state if it came a little later in life.

I got a job at a bakery because I kneaded dough.

Make three correct guesses consecutively and you will establish yourself as an expert.

I don’t meet competition. I crush it

“People who drink light beer don’t like the taste of beer; they just like to pee a lot” — Rodney Dangerfield

As a final incentive before giving up a difficult task, try to imagine it successfully accomplished by someone you violently dislike.

Honk if you love peace and quiet.

For Sale: Parachute. Only used once, never opened, small stain.

Cheerfulness is contagious, but don’t wait to catch it from others. Be a carrier.

Instead of getting married again, I’m going to find a woman I don’t like and just give her a house.—Rod Stewart

I’d like to see things your way, but I’m looking in another direction.

Why don’t you ever see the headline “Psychic Wins Lottery”?

Men’s faults are many, women have only two. Everything they say, and everything they do.

Time’s fun when you’re having flies... Kermit the Frog

In the beginning, there was nothing. Then God said, “Let there be light,” and there was still nothing, but you could see it.

Who is General Failure and why is he reading my hard disk?

Insanity is hereditary; you can get it from your children.

Better to remain silent and be thought a fool, than to speak and remove all doubt.

One of the greatest labour-saving inventions today is tomorrow.

I wonder how much deeper would the ocean be without sponges.

I used to be a banker, but then I lost interest.

“A patriot must always be ready to defend his country against his government”. — Edward Abbey

What do you call a dinosaur with an extensive vocabulary? A thesaurus.

An Apple a day keeps the doctor away. But... an onion a day keeps everyone away.

Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?

It doesn’t matter what temperature the room is; it’s always room temperature.

Haunted French pancakes give me the crêpes.

“I worked in a pet shop and people kept asking how big I’d get” — Rodney Dangerfield

We are going on a field trip to the Coca-Cola factory. I hope there are no pop quizzes.

If at first you do succeed, try to hide your astonishment.

It’s hard to face the problem, when the problem is your face.

An Irish man was driving to the airport when he saw a sign saying ‘Airport – Left’... So he went home.

Even crime wouldn’t pay if the government ran it.

“You start coding. I’ll go find out what they want.” — Computer analyst to programmer

Go the extra mile. It makes your boss look like an incompetent slacker.

There’s a difference between being open-minded and having a hole in your head

If puns were outlawed, only outlaws would have puns.

Modesty is a virtue of fools.

Cluster bombing from B-52s is very, very accurate – the bombs always hit the ground.

“There are two major products that come out of Berkeley: LSD and UNIX. We don’t believe this to be a coincidence.” — Jeremy S. Anderson

If I were someone who knew something, who could I tell that would believe me?

You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They left a little note on the windscreen, it said ‘Parking Fine.’

Streakers beware: Your end is in sight.

Pick your friends but not to pieces.

When I was young, I could remember anything. Whether it happened or not.

Someone sent me a postcard picture of the earth. On the back it said, “Wish you were here.”

The man who fell into an upholstery machine is fully recovered.

Everyone hates me because I’m paranoid.

Leftists are among the first to speak of their rights.

“I believe in equality for everyone, except reporters and photographers”. — Gandhi

A backwards poet writes inverse.

Character is what you are in the dark.

Velcro — what a rip off!

“Your mouse has moved. Windows must be restarted for the change to take effect. Reboot now ? [OK]”

If the world should blow itself up, the last audible voice would be that of an expert saying it can’t be done.

In a Norwegian cocktail lounge: Ladies are requested not to have children in the bar.

Why is it called tourist season if we can’t shoot at them?

An egotist is a person of low taste—more interested in himself than in me.

On the keyboard of life, always keep one finger on the escape key.

When all other means of communication fail, try words.

If we aren’t supposed to eat animals, why are they made of meat?

My favorite mythical creature? The honest politician.

“Every mighty oak was once just a nut who stood his ground.”

I intend to live forever – so far, so good.

Before you give a colleague a piece of your mind, be sure you can spare it.

Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?

After all is said and done, more is said than done.

Don’t talk unless you can improve the silence.

A pessimist is a man who has been compelled to live with an optimist

We spend the first twelve months of our children’s lives teaching them to walk and talk and the next twelve telling them to sit down and shut up.

If it’s true that we are here to help others, then what exactly are the others here for?

The trouble with the rat race is that even if you win, you’re still a rat.

Someday we’ll look back on all this and plow into the back of a parked car.

We waste time, so you don’t have to.

I stayed up all night to see where the sun went. Then it dawned on me.

Eschew obfuscation.

Advertisement for donkey rides in Thailand: Would you like to ride on your own ass?

“I am not worried about the deficit. It is big enough to take care of itself.” – Ronald Reagan

It used to be only death and taxes were inevitable. Now, of course, there’s shipping and handling, too.

The earthquake in Washington obviously was the government’s fault.

Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.

Man who run in front of car get tired.

If someone with multiple personalities threatens suicide... is it considered a hostage situation?

Santa’s helpers are subordinate clauses.

Democracy is a government where you can say what you think even if you don’t think.

Plagiarism saves time.

If you’re not wasted, the day is.

In a Copenhagen airline ticket office: We take your bags and send them in all directions.

Snowmen fall from Heaven unassembled.

The fellow who thinks he knows it all is especially annoying to those of us who do.

The day I can’t do my job drunk is the day I turn in my badge and gun.

“War does not determine who is right - only who is left.” – Bertrand Russell

I installed a skylight in my apartment. The people who live above me are furious.

“Einstein argued that there must be simplified explanations of nature, because God is not capricious or arbitrary. No such faith comforts the software engineer.” — Fred Brooks.

To succeed in politics, it is often necessary to rise above your principles.

Love is like an hourglass, with the heart filling up as the brain empties.

If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?

You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say will be misquoted then used against you.

“You can always count on Americans to do the right thing—after they’ve tried everything else” – Winston Churchill

The secret of success is sincerity. Once you can fake that you’ve got it made.

Applying computer technology is simply finding the right wrench to pound in the correct screw.

A procrastinator’s work is never done.

Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian any more than going to the garage makes you a car.

Never put off until tomorrow what you can avoid altogether.

Originality is the fine art of remembering what you hear, but forgetting where you heard it.

Always remember you’re unique, just like everyone else.

Money can’t buy happiness, but it sure makes misery easier to live with.

The scientific theory I like best is that the rings of Saturn are composed entirely of lost airline luggage.

It’s easy to quit smoking... I’ve done it over 10,000 times.

Anything not nailed down is mine. Anything I can pry loose is not nailed down.

I don’t enjoy computer jokes; not one bit.

There is nothing so annoying as to have two people go right on talking when you’re interrupting.

“I’ve noticed that everyone who is for abortion has already been born.” – Ronald Reagan

I dropped out of communism class because of lousy Marx.

A baby sitter is a teenager acting like an adult while the adults are out acting like teenagers.

The sooner you fall behind the more time you’ll have to catch up.

Cab drivers are living proof that practice does not make perfect.

Good judgement comes from experience. Experience comes from bad judgement.

Confidence is the feeling you have before you understand the situation

I’m an idealist: I don’t know where I’m going, but I’m on my way.

I like children. Properly cooked.

Years ago fairy tales began with “Once upon a time...” Now it’s “If I am elected...”

e=mc^2 where m = the number of cooks required to spoil the broth

Sheep don’t fly so much as plummet.

If it’s 0 degrees today and it’s going to be twice as cold tomorrow... how cold will it be?

“I have never let my schooling interfere with my education.”—Mark Twain

Remember... Marriage is the number one cause of divorce. Statistically, 100% of all divorces started with marriage.

If quizzes are quizzical, what are tests?

Be kind to your dentist. He has fillings, too.

It is not my interest to pay the principal, nor my principal to pay the interest.

A day without sun shine is like, you know, night.

My schoolmates would make love to anything that moved, but I never saw any reason to limit myself.

Allow me to introduce my selves.

My reality check just bounced.

Not all men are annoying. Some are dead.

In elementary school, in case of fire, you have to line up quietly in a single file line from smallest to tallest. What is the logic? Do tall people burn slower?

Everybody is ignorant, only on different subjects.

Doctor, Doctor You’ve got to help me – I just can’t stop my hands shaking. Do you drink a lot? Not really – I spill most of it!

AIBOHPHOBIA – the fear of palindromes.

I think, therefore I am single.

Needing someone is like needing a parachute. If he isn’t there the first time you need him, chances are you won’t be needing him again.

Stupidity is not a handicap. Park elsewhere!

You look like a million dollars. All green and wrinkled.

Once, during prohibition, I was forced to live for days on nothing but food and water.

Some people are going to leave a mark on this world, while others will leave a stain.

PMS jokes aren’t funny. Period.

Before marriage, a man yearns for the woman he loves. After marriage, the ‘Y’ becomes silent.

I have had more trouble with myself than with any other man I’ve met.

Being single is like a vacuum. It sucks when you are turned on.

The shortest distance between two points is under construction.

I heard a man say that brigands demand your money or your life, whereas women require both.

Nothing means nothing, but it isn’t really nothing because nothing is something that isn’t.

I love deadlines. I especially like the whooshing sound they make as they go flying by.

Heck is where people go who don’t believe in gosh.

How do you sink an Irish Submarine? Knock on the hatch.

“How can a president not be an actor?” – when asked “How could an actor become president?” – Ronald Reagan

Men have a much better time of it than women; for one thing, they marry later; for another thing they die earlier.

Some pain is physical, and some is mental, but one that’s both is dental.

I stayed up all night to see where the sun went. Then it dawned on me.

Early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.

It’s bad luck to be superstitious.

Success always occurs in private, and failure in full public view.

I used to find him boring until I stopped listening.

The only reason some people get lost in thought is because it’s unfamiliar territory.

Why does Sea World have a seafood restaurant? I’m halfway through my fish burger and I realize, Oh my gosh... I could be eating a slow learner.

Where do you find an Irish woodworm? Dead inside a brick.

Everybody is ignorant, only on different subjects.

Just because your head is the biggest doesn’t mean it contains the right ideas.

Half of being smart is knowing what you are dumb at.

Marriage is not a word; it is a sentence.

Some people are alive only because it’s illegal to kill them.

Hemp is a herb. Bush is a dope.

I am free of all prejudices. I hate everyone equally.

“You, you and you: panic. The rest of you, come with me.”

Cheer up, the worst is yet to come.

There are 10 types of people in the world: Those who understand binary, and those who don’t.

Anywhere is walking distance, if you’ve got the time.

Some people are alive only because it’s illegal to kill them.

“The object of war is not to die for your country but to make the other bastard die for his.” – General George Patton

I married my wife for her looks... but not the ones she’s been giving me lately!

I arise in the morning torn between a desire to improve the world and a desire to enjoy the world. This makes it hard to plan the day.

All the toilets in New York’s police stations have been stolen. The police have nothing to go on.

He does the work of three men: Larry, Moe and Curly.

The world is full of willing people; some willing to work, the rest willing to let them.

There’s a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot.

Despite the cost of living it’s still very popular.

If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?

111,111,111 x 111,111,111 = 12,345,678,987,654,321

Don’t Be Sexist – Broads Hate That.

“On two occasions I have been asked [by members of Parliament!]: ‘Pray, Mr. Babbage, if you put into the machine wrong figures, will the right answers come out ?’ I am not able rightly to apprehend the kind of confusion of ideas that could provoke such a question.” — Charles Babbage.

For people who like peace and quiet – a phoneless cord.

“Reading computer manuals without the hardware is as frustrating as reading sex manuals without the software.” — Arthur C. Clarke.

Optimists believe we live on the greatest world. Pessimists believe this is true.

I’m reading a book about anti-gravity. I can’t put it down.

“The web is a dominatrix. Every where I turn, I see little buttons ordering me to Submit.” — Nytwind.

It is a fitting irony that under Richard Nixon, ‘launder’ became a dirty word.

Man does not live by words alone, despite the fact that sometimes he has to eat them.

“If women didn’t exist, all the money in the world would have no meaning.” – Aristotle Onassis

A printer consists of three main parts: the case, the jammed paper tray and the blinking red light

“Heavier-than-air flying machines are impossible.” — Lord Kelvin, president, Royal Society, 1895.

Latest survey shows that 3 out of 4 people make up 75% of the world’s population.

“I wish everyone was peaceful. Then I could take over the planet with a butter knife”—Dogbert

Just remember... if the world didn’t suck, we’d all fall off.

Constipated People Don’t Give A Crap.

Fundamentalism: Believe in a kind, loving God or we’ll kill you!

“This ‘telephone’ has too many shortcomings to be seriously considered as a means of communication.” — Western Union internal memo, 1876.

IRS: We’ve got what it takes to take what you’ve got.

By the time a man realises that his father was right, he has a son who thinks he’s wrong.

Get a new car for your spouse – it’ll be a great trade!

I hate women because they always know where things are.

A person who smiles in the face of adversity... probably has a scapegoat.

Jack and Jill did it for the insurance.

If at first you don’t succeed, try management.

I’m not dumb; I just have a command of thoroughly useless information.

If you can’t be kind, at least have the decency to be vague.

Keyboard not detected. Press F1 to continue

Shin: a device for finding furniture in the dark.

Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.

Everyone needs belief in something. I believe I’ll have another beer.

Be nice to your kids. They’ll choose your nursing home.

Well, if I called the wrong number, why did you answer the phone?

Best way to get a man to do something, is to suggest they are too old for it.

Living is not worth dying for.

The most powerful force in the universe is gossip.

Does this smell like chloroform to you?

When your IQ reaches 80 –– sell.

I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol.

If you can’t beat your computer at chess, try kickboxing.

The trouble with life is there’s no background music.

Eagles may soar, but weasels don’t get sucked into jet engines.

In democracy it’s your vote that counts. In feudalism it’s your count that votes.

Under capitalism, man exploits man. Under Communism, it’s just the opposite.

“#define QUESTION ((bb) || !(bb))” — Shakespeare

I’m desperately trying to figure out why kamikaze pilots wore helmets.

Raising teenagers is like trying to nail Jell-O to a tree.

Remember half the people you know are below average.

Nick Overruled - Democratic Majority Decision

He’s so lazy. I’ve seen him step into a revolving door and wait.

“If builders built buildings the way programmers write programs, then the first woodpecker that came along would destroy civilization” — Weinberg’s Second Law.

I couldn’t repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.

Vote for the man who promises least; he’ll be the least disappointing.

Computers make it easy to do a lot of things, but most of the things that make it easier to do don’t need to be done.

Madness takes its toll. Please have exact change.

I spent most of my money on booze, drugs and women... The rest I wasted!

Five out of four people have trouble with fractions.

I started out with nothing, and I still have most of it.

We Quit Voting Will They All Go Away?

“Always be sincere, even when you don’t mean it”. — Irene Peter

Honesty is the best policy, but insanity is a better defence.

If you want your spouse to listen and pay strict attention to every word you say, talk in your sleep.

If we don’t succeed, we run the risk of failure.

Of course, we are all worms—but I like to think, at least, that I am a glow-worm. – Winston Churchill

I’m quite easy to get along with, once you learn to beckon at my every call and yield to all my desires.

It is said that if you line up all the cars in the world end to end, someone would be stupid enough to try and pass them.

When you get a bladder infection, urine trouble.


Everybody is somebody else’s weirdo.

I majored in liberal arts. Will that be for here or to go?

He often broke into song because he couldn’t find the key.

I don’t have an attitude problem. You have a perception problem.

My life has a superb cast but I can’t figure out the plot.

We’ve made great medical progress in the last generation. What used to be merely an itch is now an allergy.

“I would like to live in Manchester, England. The transition between Manchester and death would be unnoticeable”. — Mark Twain

“They say hard work never hurt anybody, but I figure why take the chance.” – Ronald Reagan

I’ve been trying for some time to develop a life style that doesn’t require my presence.

To B or not to B? *kills the B* I HATE BEES!!!! – LynxofCP

Everybody has a photographic memory. Some don’t have film.

Man who run behind car get exhausted.

I am amazed at radio DJ’s today. I am firmly convinced that AM on my radio stands for Absolute Moron. I will not begin to tell you what FM stands for.

“When you starve with a tiger, the tiger starves last”. — Griffin’s Thought

Broken pencils are pointless.

Did you hear about the cross-eyed teacher who lost her job because she couldn’t control her pupils?

Booze is the answer. I don’t remember the question.

Why do we wash bath towels, aren’t we clean when we use them?

I always wanted to be somebody, but I should have been more specific.

Why is it that to stop Windows, you have to click on “Start”?

In a Tokyo shop: Our nylons cost more than common, but you’ll find they are best in the long run.

Where there’s a will, I want to be in it.

The dumber people think you are, the more surprised they’re going to be when you kill them—Rodney Dangerfield

If you do not make dust, you eat dust.

Time flies like an arrow – fruit flies like a banana.

Tips for Vegetarians: Hit a chicken enough times and it turns into a vegetable.

In a Rome laundry: Ladies, leave your clothes here and spend the afternoon having a good time.

He’s not dead, he’s electroencephalographically challenged.

If you can stay calm, while all around you is chaos... then you probably haven’t completely understood the situation.

A hangover is the wrath of grapes.

Don’t use a big word where a diminutive one will suffice.

Well if this is the wrong number, why did you answer it?

Energizer Bunny arrested: Charged with battery.

Illiterate? Write For Help.

People with narrow minds usually have broad tongues.

Whenever people agree with me, I always feel I must be wrong.

When you are arguing with an idiot, make sure the other person isn’t doing the same thing.

Wine divulges truth.

Anyone who told you to be yourself couldn’t have given you worse advice.

Genius is 1% inspiration, and 99% perspiration.

Why is the third hand on the watch called a second hand?

Anything that can become tangled around something else, will.

As the light changed from red to green to yellow and back to red again, I sat there thinking about life. Was it nothing more than a bunch of honking and yelling? Sometimes it seemed that way.

Age is an issue of mind over matter. If you don’t mind, it doesn’t matter.

Experience is something you do not get until just after you need it.

Jokes about German sausage are the wurst.

If vegetable oil comes from vegetables, where does baby oil come from?

When he first ran for office, he appealed to the voters: “I never stole anything in my life. All I ask is a chance.”

Succeed in spite of management. Aim Low; Reach Your Goals, Avoid Disappointment.

From the moment I picked your book up until I laid it down I was convulsed with laughter. Some day I intend reading it.

A conclusion is simply the place where you got tired of thinking.

The illegal we do immediately. The unconstitutional takes a little longer. – Henry Kissinger

It’s not true that married men live longer than single men. It only seems longer.

I fear my inferiority complex is not as good as yours.

Most vegetarians look so much like the food they eat that they can be classified as cannibals.

A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat.

I used to be a Kleptomaniac, But now I’m taking something for it

Why is the man that invests your money called a broker?

Chipped dishes never break.

I have spent my whole life looking for the perfect woman, and now I’ve found her. Too bad she’s looking for the perfect man.

They say if you play a Microsoft CD backwards you hear satanic messages. That’s nothing, if you play it forwards it installs Windows.

My mind works like lightning. One brilliant flash and it is gone.

Money is better than poverty, if only for financial reasons.

I hope that after I die, people will say of me: “That guy sure owed me a lot of money.”

Smoking cures weight problems...eventually...

Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don’t.

I’d explain it to you, but your brain would explode.

I have the body of a GOD – Buddha.

The short fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.

The second day of a diet is alway easier than the first. By the second day, you’re off it.

The only difference between Genius and Insanity... is success.

The number of people watching you is directly proportional to the stupidity of your action.

The beatings will continue until morale improves.

When life hands you a lemon, make lemonade.

A poor excuse is like an old bucket; doesn’t matter what shape it is in, as long as it holds water.

Stupidity is not a handicap! Park somewhere else!

I was the next door kid’s imaginary friend.

My husband says I never listen to him (at least I think that’s what he said)

“When in doubt tell the truth.”—Mark Twain

There are two types of people in this world, good and bad. The good sleep better, but the bad seem to enjoy the waking hours much more.

“You have to be careful about being too careful” – Beryl Pfizer

If trees could scream, would we be so cavalier about cutting them down? We might, if they screamed all the time, for no good reason.

Slow is when someone laps you in the hundred-yard dash

Smith & Wesson — the original point and click interface.

I wondered why the baseball was getting bigger. Then it hit me.

If you want a committed man, look in a mental hospital.

Foolproof systems don’t take into account the ingenuity of fools.

How do I set a laser printer to stun?

Connection Reset By Aboriginal With Wire Cutters

Quantum mechanics: The dreams stuff is made of.

If you don’t know where you are going, you will wind up somewhere else.

I haven’t spoken to my wife for 18 months: I don’t like to interrupt her.

Mind like a steel trap – rusty and illegal in most states.

On the plus side, death is one of the few things that can be done just as easily as lying down.

Two signs from a Majorcan shop entrance: English well speaking / Here speeching American.

Somewhere on this globe, every ten seconds, is a woman giving birth to a child. She must be found and stopped.

Two strings walk into a bar. The first string says to the bartender, “Bartender, I’ll have a beer. u.5n$x5t?*&4ru!2[sACCErJ”. The second string says, “Pardon my friend, he isn’t NULL terminated”.

How do you keep an Irishman busy? Write P.T.O on both sides of a piece of paper.

A committee is a body that keeps minutes and wastes hours.

It is hard to understand how a cemetery raised its burial charges and blamed it on the cost of living.

Perhaps you’re diagonally parked in a parallel universe?

People don’t grow up; they just learn how to act in public.

All those who believe in psycho kinesis raise my hand.

We must believe in free will, we have no choice.

It is well to remember the entire population of the universe, with one trifling exception, is composed of others.

In the beginning, God created earth and rested. Then God created man and rested. Then God created woman. Since then, neither God nor man has rested.

A conscience does not prevent sin. It only prevents you from enjoying it.

I have a simple philosophy. Fill what’s empty. Empty what’s full. Scratch where it itches.

Impotence: Nature’s Way Of Saying “No Hard Feelings”.

Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying of nothing.

I want to die peacefully in my sleep like my grandfather, not screaming in abject horror like his passengers.

Programmer – A red-eyed, mumbling mammal capable of conversing with inanimate objects.

On the other hand you have different fingers.

If a woman has to choose between catching a fly ball and saving an infant’s life, she will choose to save the infant’s life without even considering if there is a man on base.—Dave Barry

Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

Anger is only one letter away from danger.

“Hey, I’ve got reasons for what I’m doing,” REALLY MEANS, “I sure hope I think of some pretty soon.”

Time is a great teacher, but unfortunately it kills all its pupils.

Ever stop to think and forget to start again?

System Error - Windows Loaded

“How come we choose from just two people to run for president and 50 for Miss America?”

Men occasionally stumble over the truth, but most of them pick themselves up and hurry off as if nothing had happened. – Winston Churchill

Murphy’s Golden Rule: Whoever has the gold makes the rules.

This girl said she recognized me from the vegetarian club, but I’d never met herbivore

I don’t approve of political jokes... I’ve seen too many of them get elected.

If sex is such a natural phenomenon, how come there are so many books on how to do it.

Love is blind, but marriage is a real eye-opener.

To find out a girl’s faults, praise her to her girl friends.

I take everything I can for my kleptomania.

The difference between a stepping-stone and a stumbling block can be when you see it.

Is Disney World the only people trap operated by a mouse?

If at first you don’t succeed, try, try again. Then quit. There’s no use being a damned fool about it.

There is no such thing as an underestimate of average intelligence

If At First You Don’t Succeed... Blame Someone Else And Seek Counseling.

Always do sober what you said you’d do drunk. That will teach you to keep your mouth shut.

I generally avoid temptation unless I can’t resist it.

The doctor can bury his mistakes but an architect can only advise his client to plant vines.

Connection Reset - Insufficient Electrons

Arguing on the Internet is like competing in the Special Olympics – even if you win, you are still retarded.

That which cannot be taken apart will fall apart.

My husband and I divorced over religious differences... He thought he was God and I didn’t.

The sooner you fall behind the more time you’ll have to catch up.

Birthdays are good for you. Statistics show that the people who have the most live the longest.

Abel Tasman on discovering Tasmania, “Too far south for spices and too close to the rim of the earth to be inhabited by anything but freaks and monsters”

The trouble with jogging is that, by the time you realise you’re not in shape for it, it’s far too far to walk back.

Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.

I changed my iPod’s name to Titanic. It’s syncing now.

My parents stayed together for forty years, but that was out of spite.

I took a speed reading course and read ‘War and Peace’ in twenty minutes. It involves Russia. Enough women for four.

I tried sniffing Coke once, but the ice cubes got stuck in my nose.

Partying... oops No Only Parting... sorry

Bigamy is having one wife too many. Monogamy is the same. – Oscar Wilde

Climbers aim for the summit because it is there. Bungi jumpers dive off the top because they aren’t all there.

In the office of a Roman doctor: Specialist in women and other diseases.

Never put both feet in your mouth at the same time, because then you don’t have a leg to stand on.

It is even harder for the average ape to believe that he has descended from man.

Roses are red, Violets are blue. In Soviet Russia, Poems write you.

If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?

The things that come to those that wait may be the things left by those who got there first.

Politicians are people who, when they see the light at the end of the tunnel, go out and buy more tunnel.

I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.

They say you only use ten percent of your brain. What about the other ten?

Eagles may soar, but weasels don’t get sucked into jet engines.

Last night I lay in bed looking up at the stars in the sky and I thought to myself, “Where the heck is the ceiling?”

The truth is a precious commodity. That’s why I use it so sparingly.

I have kleptomania, but when it gets bad, I take something for it. ~ Robert Benchle

I love work; it fascinates me; I can sit and watch it for hours.

Chaos, panic, & disorder – my work here is done.

Does your train of thought have a caboose?

Support bacteria – they’re the only culture some people have.

Humour. It is a difficult concept. It is not logical.

He who trains his tongue to quote the learned sages, will be known far and wide as a smart ass.

I did a theatrical performance about puns. It was a play on words.

Don’t use a big word where a diminutive one will suffice.

No sense being pessimistic, it probably wouldn’t work anyway.

One day I will get this peer guy and reset his connection.

Never underestimate the power of very stupid people in large groups.

Brilliant, but with the social skills of a thermonuclear device.

Jokes about German sausage are the wurst.

Quantum: Noun, word used to sound like I know what I’m talking about while discussing physics I’ve never actually studied.

“My wife made me join a bridge club. I jump off next Tuesday” — Rodney Dangerfield

Life is far too important to be taken seriously.

Age is a very high price to pay for maturity.

Englishmen never will be slaves: they are free to do whatever the Government and public opinion allow them to do.

I don’t want to achieve immortality through my work. I want to achieve immortality through not dying.

Is there life before death?

Early to rise, early to bed, makes a man healthy but socially dead.

If all you have is a hammer, everything looks like a nail.

The human brain is a wonderful thing. It starts working the moment you are born, and never stops until you stand up to speak in public.

Friends may come and go, but enemies accumulate

Sometimes I think the surest sign that intelligent life exists elsewhere in the universe is that none of it has tried to contact us.

I live in my own little world, but it’s ok they know me here.

Time sneaks up on you like a windshield on a bug.

I thought I made a mistake once, but I was wrong.

If the human brain were so simple that we could understand it, we would be so simple we couldn’t.

Hypochondria is the only disease I haven’t got.

“Reader, suppose you were an idiot. And suppose you were a member of Congress. But I repeat myself”. — Mark Twain

I’m not afraid of heights, only widths.

Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy.

If everything is coming your way, you are probably in the wrong lane.

Blessed are those who can laugh at themselves, they will never cease to be amused.

“He has been given a large brain by mistake, since for him the spinal cord would fully suffice.” — Albert Einstein

If we learn by our mistakes, some of us are getting one hell of an education!

“As a matter of fact” is an expression that precedes many an expression that isn’t.

Macho Law prohibits me from admitting I’m wrong.

It’s just a job. Grass grows, birds fly, waves pound the sand. I just beat people up. – Muhammad Ali

It’s important to be open-minded, but not SO open-minded that your brains fall out.

Without question, the greatest invention in the history of mankind is beer. Oh, I grant you that the wheel was also a fine invention, but the wheel does not go nearly as well with pizza.

Women like silent men. They think they’re listening.

When you come to a fork in the road, take it.

How do you spot an Irishman at a carwash? He’s the one on the bike.

Marriage is a three-ring circus: engagement ring, wedding ring, and suffering.

I either want less corruption, or more chance to participate in it.

Cole’s Law: Thinly sliced cabbage.

Cleverly Disguised As A Responsible Adult.

Never buy a car you can’t push.

Get even – live long enough to be a problem to your kids.

A team effort is a lot of people doing what I say

Age always corresponds inversely to the size of your multivitamin.

99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.

A penny saved is a Congressional spending oversight.

I’m not into working out. My philosophy: No pain, no pain.

Shin: a device for finding furniture in the dark.

Show me a piano falling down a mineshaft and I’ll show you A-flat minor.

Am I getting smart with you? How would you know?

It is a small world, but I wouldn’t like to have to paint it.

Being in the army is like being in the Boy Scouts, except that the Boy Scouts have adult supervision.

I had some words with my wife, and she had some paragraphs with me.

Lots of people know a good thing the minute the other fellow sees it first.

What do you call a dinosaur with an extensive vocabulary? A thesaurus.

I’m an apathetic sociopath – I’d kill you if I cared.

What if there were no hypothetical questions?

Outside of a dog, a book is probably man’s best friend, and inside of a dog, it’s too dark to read.

TEAMWORK... means never having to take all the blame yourself.

When Chemists die, they barium.

What hair color do they put on the driver’s licenses of bald men?

Alcohol: the cause of, and solution to, all of life’s problems.

Moderation in all things, including moderation.

“I could tell that my parents hated me. My bath toys were a toaster and a radio” — Rodney Dangerfield

I have noticed that the people who are late are often so much jollier that the people who have to wait for them.

I don’t suffer from stress. I’m a carrier.

A bargain is something you don’t need at a price you can’t resist.

Laugh at your problems; everybody else does.

“Then he ran into my knife. He ran into my knife ten times.” – Chicago

The trouble with our times is that the future is not what it used to be.

If I have to work for an idiot, I might as well work for myself.

Red Tape Holds Up New Bridge!

“I’d rather have a bottle in front of me, than a frontal lobotomy”. — Tom Waits

Seeing a murder on television...will help work off one’s antagonisms. And if you haven’t any antagonisms, the commercials will give you some.

There are only three kinds of people; people who can count and people who can’t.

Isn’t having a smoking section in a restaurant like having a peeing section in a swimming pool?

I Refuse To Have A Battle Of Wits With An Unarmed Person.

I used to think I was indecisive, but now I’m not sure.

Comedy is tragedy plus time.

When I’m not in my right mind, my left mind gets pretty crowded

A bird does not sing because it has an answer—it sings because it has a song.

A synonym is a word you use when you can’t spell the word you first thought of.

It is not what a teenager knows that bothers his parents. It is how he found out.

A great many people think they are thinking when they are merely rearranging their prejudices.

Don’t marry for money. You can borrow it cheaper.

I don’t have a solution but I admire the problem.

Every morning is the dawn of a new error.

I don’t suffer from stress. I’m a carrier.

Never argue with an idiot. They drag you down to their level then beat you with experience.

Marathon runners with bad footwear suffer the agony of defeat.

One good turn gets most of the blankets.

History will be kind to me for I intend to write it. – Winston Churchill

A cartoonist was found dead in his home. Details are sketchy.

Men don’t care what’s on TV. They only care what else is on TV.

I am obviously right, and as you disagree with me, then logically you must be wrong.

Don’t look back. Something may be gaining on you.

I love being married. It’s so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.

How can you come out of a closet if you never went in there in the first place?

You can’t have everything. Where would you put it?

At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be “What is hell?” Come early and listen to our choir practice.

People who think they know everything are annoying to those of us who do.

If it weren’t for the last minute, nothing would ever get done.

I majored in liberal arts. Will that be for here or to go?

Outside a Hong Kong tailor shop: Ladies may have a fit upstairs.

When I was a boy I was told that anybody could become president; I’m beginning to believe it.

“Life is a waste of time, time is a waste of life, so get wasted all of the time and have the time of your life”. — Tom Waits

I used to think I was indecisive, but now I’m not sure.

Gossip: The art of saying nothing while leaving nothing unsaid.

There are very few personal problems that cannot be solved through a suitable application of high explosives.

God must love stupid people, he made so many.

Some people say that I must be a horrible person, but that’s not true. I have the heart of a young boy – in a jar on my desk.

“Managing senior programmers is like herding cats” — Dave Platt.

Man who eat many prunes get good run for money.

If the French were really intelligent, they’d speak English.

Every time I look at you I get a fierce desire to be lonesome.

I like to start my periods with sentences.

Marriage changes passion... suddenly you’re in bed with a relative.

Why were the Indians here first? They had reservations.

I took an IQ test and the results were negative.

“I think there is a world market for maybe five computers.” — Thomas Watson, chairman of IBM, 1943.

Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?

I used up all my sick days, so I’m calling in dead.

When angry count four, when very angry, swear.

You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.

What’s the definition of a will? (It’s a dead giveaway).

I have great faith in fools; my friends call it self-confidence.

I always wanted to be a procrastinator, never got around to it though.

I can resist everything except temptation.

All men are equal. Some are just more equal than others.

Whenever there is any doubt, there is no doubt.

I have gone to look for myself, if I should return before I get back, keep me here.

Accept that some days you’re the pigeon, and some days you’re the statue.

You’re not drunk if you can lie on the floor without holding on.

I wished the buck stopped here, as I could use a few.

System Error - Windows Loaded

Half our life is spent trying to find something to do with the time we have rushed through life trying to save.

If at first you don’t succeed, destroy all the evidence that you tried.

Sometimes I wake up grumpy; other times I let her sleep

It’s not that I’m afraid to die; I just don’t want to be there when it happens.

Procrastinate Now!

Errors have been made. Others will be blamed.

If you can’t convince them, confuse them.

Remember the teakettle; though up to its neck in hot water, it continues to sing.

Solitude is fine, but you need someone to tell you that solitude is fine.

Any ship can be a minesweeper... once.

I love cats – they taste just like chicken.

A dyslexic man walks into a bra.

Killed - Personality Incompatibility

There are 3 kinds of people: those who can count and those who can’t.

Confidence is the feeling you have before you understand the situation.

Age is a question of mind over matter. If you don’t mind, it don’t matter.

Plan to be spontaneous tomorrow.

If you think nobody cares if you’re alive, try missing a couple of car payments.

Nobody can be exactly like me. Even I have trouble doing it.

Venison for dinner again? Oh deer!

If you’re born again, do you have two bellybuttons?

“Are you going to come quietly, or do I have to use earplugs?”—Vale Spike Milligan

Knowledge is the key, but where is the damn lock?

There are two kinds of people, those who finish what they start, and so on.

I’ve always wanted to be normal, but lately I’ve come to suspect that this is it.

A study in the Washington Post says that women have better verbal skills than men. I just want to say to the authors of that study: “Duh.”— Conan O’Brien

I’m in no shape to exercise.

How do you know if a fish is Irish? It has drowned.

One good thing about repeating your mistakes is that you know when to cringe.

When in doubt, mumble.

“I’ve been on a calendar but I have never been on time” – Marilyn Monroe

I can please only one person per day. Today is not your day. Tomorrow isn’t looking good either.

Time is God’s way of keeping everything from happening at once.

Statistics are like bikinis – What they reveal is suggestive, but what they conceal is vital.

Sheep don’t fly so much as plummet.

One martini is all right, two is too many, and three is not enough.

Bacteria: the only culture some people have.

Pardon my driving, I am reloading.

I don’t believe in astrology. I am a Sagittarius and we’re very skeptical. ~ Arthur C. Clarke

“There is no reason anyone would want a computer in their home.” — Ken Olson, founder of Digital Equipment Corp., 1977.

Help Wanted: Telepath. You know where to apply.

At the age of six I wanted to be a cook. At seven I wanted to be Napoleon. And my ambition has been growing steadily ever since.

You have the right to your opinions. I just don’t want to hear them.

If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?

Well, this day was a total waste of makeup.

The art of flying is to throw yourself at the ground and miss.

Any task worth doing was worth doing yesterday.

Where you stand depends on where you sit.

If Bill Gates had a nickel for every time Windows crashed... oh wait, he does.

A dog that attends a flea circus most likely will steal the whole show.

There are two kinds of people, those who finish what they start, and so on.

I’m sorry; you cannot have an outlook on life because it isn’t responding. Microsoft apologises for any inconvenience.

If people concentrated on the really important things in life, there’d be a shortage of fishing poles.

Be thankful for problems. If they were less difficult, someone with less ability might have your job.

You’re such an inspiration for the way I’ll never choose to be.

“Everyday I beat my own previous record for number of consecutive days I’ve stayed alive.”

Never go to a doctor whose office plants have died.

Tip the world over on its side and everything loose will land in Los Angeles.

I’m out of my mind, but feel free to leave a message.

Plato is dead, Einstein is dead, and I’m not feeling too good myself...

Anyone can admit they were wrong; the true test is admitting it to someone else.

Seen it all, done it all, can’t remember most of it.

Money is flat and meant to be piled up. – Scottish Proverb

I didn’t like my beard at first. Then it grew on me.

Mental Floss prevents Moral Decay.

Acupuncture is a jab well done.

If a man opens a car door for a woman, either the car is new or the woman.

I often quote myself; it adds spice to my conversation.

Democracy is the recurrent suspicion that more than half of the people are right more than half of the time.

Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

Being a philosopher, I have a problem for every solution.

If you can’t dazzle them with brilliance... just baffle them with bullsh*t.

Brain: an apparatus with which we think we think.

When in trouble, fear or doubt, run in circles, scream and shout.

If you don’t learn to laugh at troubles, you won’t have anything to laugh at when you grow old.

In a Budapest zoo: Please do not feed the animals. If you have any suitable food, give it to the guard on duty.

Work expands to fill the time available. — PARKINSON’S LAW

If you don’t pay your exorcist you get repossessed.

If it weren’t for electricity we’d all be watching television by candlelight?

I envy people who drink – at least they know what to blame everything on.

Just because you’re not paranoid doesn’t mean they’re not out to get you.

The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.

Progress was all right. Only it went on too long.

Life... I don’t get it...

Hang in there; retirement is only thirty years away.

My girlfriend told me I should be more affectionate. So I got two more girlfriends.

Military intelligence is a contradiction in terms.

Sex on television can’t hurt you unless you fall off.

Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7th of your life.

Youth is a wonderful thing. What a crime to waste it on children.

“My computer NEVER loc

Ninety-nine per cent of the people in the world are fools and the rest of us are in great danger of contagion.

“This report, by its very length, defends itself against the risk of being read”. — Winston Churchill

Ours is a world where people don’t know what they want and are willing to go through hell to get it.

Anything’s possible... apart from skiing through a revolving door.

“The generation of random numbers is too important to be left to chance.” — Robert R. Coveyou, Oak Ridge National Laboratory.

If at first you don’t succeed, skydiving is not your sport.

Take my advice, I don’t use it anyway.

I don’t necessarily agree with everything I say.

Laugh and the world laughs with you; snore and you sleep alone.

Having more money doesn’t make you happier. I have 50 million dollars but I’m just as happy as when I had 48 million. ~ Arnold Schwarzenegger.

Even paranoids have real enemies.

You can say any foolish thing to a dog, and the dog will give you a look that says, “My God, you’re right! I never would’ve thought of that!”

I’d give my right arm to be ambidextrous.

An army of deer led by a lion is more to be feared than an army of lions led by a deer.

One should forgive one’s enemies, but not before they are hanged.

I think animal testing is a terrible idea; they get all nervous and give the wrong answers.

I get enough exercise just pushing my luck.

Technology is a way of organizing the universe so that man doesn’t have to experience it.

I am a nobody, nobody is perfect, therefore I’m perfect.

If you choke a smurf, what colour does it turn?

My one regret in life is that I am not someone else.

“I have left orders to be awakened at any time in case of national emergency – even if I’m in a Cabinet meeting.” – Ronald Reagan

England has no kidney bank, but it does have a Liverpool.

If I’d known I was going to live this long, I’d have taken better care of myself.

We have two ends. One for sitting and one for thinking. Our success depends on which one we use most.

If you can’t convince them, confuse them.

“There are only two things that are infinite: the universe and human stupidity. And I’m not sure about the universe.” A. Einstein

The most precious thing we have is life. Yet it has absolutely no trade-in value.

Half of the people in the world are below average.

Authority makes some people grow – and others just swell.

Borrow money from pessimists- they don’t expect to get it back.

To define recursion, we must first define recursion.

Next time you wave, use all your fingers.

Why is it that doctors call what they do “practice”?

“Always in motion the future is. Seasick it makes me. That’s why so green I am”. – Yoda

Mines are equal opportunity weapons.

Eat a live toad first thing in the morning, and nothing worse can happen to you the rest of the day.

Anything not nailed down is a cat toy.

Blessed are the young, for they shall inherit the national debt.

The only perfect science is hindsight.

The dictionary is the only place where success comes before work.

How do you get an Irishman to burn his ear? Ring him up while he is ironing.

I am not a vegetarian because I love animals; I am a vegetarian because I hate plants.

The best computer is a man, and it’s the only one that can be mass-produced by unskilled labour.

I know a guy who is addicted to brake fluid. He says he can stop anytime.

Men are from earth. Women are from earth. Deal with it.

The chance of a piece of bread falling with the buttered side down is directly proportional to the cost of the carpet.

If automobiles had followed the same development cycle as the computer, a Rolls Royce would today cost $100, get a million miles per gallon, and explode once a year, killing everyone inside.

Proofread carefully to see if you any words out.

Honest criticism is hard to take, particularly from a relative, a friend, an acquaintance, or a stranger.

So Many Pedestrians – So Little Time.

“Few things are harder to put up with than a good example.”—Mark Twain

If ever I get married again it would have to be under an anaesthetic.

What does a clock do when it’s hungry? It goes back four seconds.

There’s a fine line between genius and insanity. I have erased this line.

How did Moses make his tea? Hebrews it.

I thought I wanted a career, turns out I just wanted paychecks.

If con is the opposite of pro, congress is the opposite of progress.

The more time you spend in reporting on what you are doing, the less time you have to do it in. Stability is achieved when you spend all your time doing nothing but reporting on the nothing you are doing.

There are three ways to get something done: do it yourself, hire someone, or forbid your kids to do it.

I plead contemporary insanity.

An egotist has one point in his favour – he doesn’t go round talking about other people.

Legend: a lie that has attained the dignity of age.

If a President doesn’t do it to his wife, he’ll do it to his country.

Man shoots neighbour with machete [The Miami Herald, July 3]

Work: It isn’t just for sleeping anymore.

My mind not only wanders, sometimes it leaves completely.

“Banking establishments are more dangerous than standing armies”. — Thomas Jefferson

It is wiser to find out than to suppose.—Mark Twain

It has recently been discovered that research causes cancer in rats.

If you’re not confused, you’re not paying attention.

I guess traffic in the city is improving a little. Yesterday, I drove clear across town and only had to shave twice.

Man who drive like hell bound to get there.

I tried to photograph the fog, but I mist.

He who laughs last thinks slowest.

I laugh in the face of danger, except if I’m involved.

Hard work never killed anybody but why take the chance?

To err is human – and to blame it on a computer is even more so.

A drop of ink may make a million think.

Warning: Dates in Calendar are closer than they appear.

Save the whales. Collect the whole set.

In this world, nothing is certain but death and taxes. – Benjamin Franklin

It’s not hard to meet expenses, they’re everywhere.

Promises are like babies: fun to make, but hell to deliver.

You have to stay in shape. My grandmother, she started walking five miles a day when she was 60. She’s 97 today and we don’t know where the hell she is.

This guy walks into a bar and the barman says “Ouch, that must have hurt”

Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.

Caution – Driver Legally Blonde!

The early bird gets the worm, but the early worm gets eaten.

Everybody lies, but it doesn’t matter since nobody listens.

I had amnesia once or twice.

Restarting System - Mouse Moved

Prediction is extremely difficult. Especially about the future.

When a clock is hungry, it goes back four seconds.

If life was fair, Elvis would be alive and all the impersonators would be dead.

If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?

If money talks, it ain’t on speakin’ terms with me.

No problem is so big and complicated that it can’t be ran away from.

Lead us not into temptation. Just tell us where it is; we’ll find it.

What’s another word for Thesaurus?

A bachelor is a man who comes to work from a different direction each morning.

“If carrots are so good for the eyes, how come I see so many dead rabbits on the highway?”

You’ll never get to heaven if you’re scared of getting high.

I think that’s how Chicago got started. A bunch of people in New York said, “Gee, I’m enjoying the crime and the poverty, but it just isn’t cold enough. Let’s go west.”—Richard Jeni

I Haven’t Lost My Mind, It’s Backed Up On Disk Somewhere.

The amount of work to be done increases in proportion to the amount of work already completed. — VAIL’S SECOND AXIOM

I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.

Don’t take life too seriously—you’ll never get out of it alive.

When you do not know what you are doing, do it neatly.

Make sure your mind isn’t so open that your brains fall out.

If you don’t know why I’m mad at you, then I’m certainly not going to tell you

Bachelors have consciences, married men have wives.

A clean tie attracts the soup of the day.

Experience is simply the name we give our mistakes.

It’s strange, isn’t it. You stand in the middle of a library and go aaaaagghhhh’ and everyone just stares at you. But you do the same thing on an aeroplane, and everyone joins in.

It is hard enough to remember my opinions, without also remembering my reasons for them!

If a job is worth doing well get someone else to do it.

Bachelors know more about women than married men; if they didn’t they’d be married too.

He who smiles in a crisis has found someone to blame.

All my life, I always wanted to be somebody. Now I see that I should have been more specific.

This comment is printed on 100% recycled electrons.

“A girl phoned me the other day and said... Come on over, there’s nobody home. I went over. Nobody was home” — Rodney Dangerfield

This mind intentionally left blank

Bacteria: the only culture some people have.

“Blink your eyelids periodically to lubricate your eyes.” — Page 16 of the HP “Environmental, Health Safety Handbook for Employees”.

What Has Four Legs And An Arm? A Happy Pit Bull.

If you try and don’t succeed, cheat. Repeat until caught. Then lie.

If I were two-faced, would I be wearing this one?

I work hard because millions on welfare depend on me.

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