Amusing Quotes & One-Liners — Ned Martin’s Amused

Amusing Quotes & One-Liners

I love deadlines. I especially like the whooshing sound they make as they go flying by.

It is said that if you line up all the cars in the world end to end, someone would be stupid enough to try and pass them.

A baby sitter is a teenager acting like an adult while the adults are out acting like teenagers.

He’s so lazy. I’ve seen him step into a revolving door and wait.

I Haven’t Lost My Mind, It’s Backed Up On Disk Somewhere.

Someday we’ll look back on all this and plow into the back of a parked car.

Despite the cost of living it’s still very popular.

The doctor can bury his mistakes but an architect can only advise his client to plant vines.

If it weren’t for electricity we’d all be watching television by candlelight?

Lord, if you won’t make me skinny, please make all my friends fat.

Prediction is extremely difficult. Especially about the future.

I often quote myself; it adds spice to my conversation.

A poor excuse is like an old bucket; doesn’t matter what shape it is in, as long as it holds water.

Hemp is a herb. Bush is a dope.

Allow me to introduce my selves.

Legend: a lie that has attained the dignity of age.

One should forgive one’s enemies, but not before they are hanged.

A bachelor is a man who comes to work from a different direction each morning.

I’m not dumb; I just have a command of thoroughly useless information.

It’s not that I’m afraid to die; I just don’t want to be there when it happens.

To err is human – and to blame it on a computer is even more so.

I majored in liberal arts. Will that be for here or to go?

Errors have been made. Others will be blamed.

Genius is 1% inspiration, and 99% perspiration.

Cheerfulness is contagious, but don’t wait to catch it from others. Be a carrier.

There are three ways to get something done: do it yourself, hire someone, or forbid your kids to do it.

God must love stupid people, he made so many.

You’re not drunk if you can lie on the floor without holding on.

“Reading computer manuals without the hardware is as frustrating as reading sex manuals without the software.” — Arthur C. Clarke.

A clean tie attracts the soup of the day.

I get enough exercise just pushing my luck.

I have great faith in fools; my friends call it self-confidence.

Without question, the greatest invention in the history of mankind is beer. Oh, I grant you that the wheel was also a fine invention, but the wheel does not go nearly as well with pizza.

A study in the Washington Post says that women have better verbal skills than men. I just want to say to the authors of that study: “Duh.”— Conan O’Brien

“How come we choose from just two people to run for president and 50 for Miss America?”

The scientific theory I like best is that the rings of Saturn are composed entirely of lost airline luggage.

I want to die peacefully in my sleep like my grandfather, not screaming in abject horror like his passengers.

The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.

Humour. It is a difficult concept. It is not logical.

I heard a man say that brigands demand your money or your life, whereas women require both.

Blessed are those who can laugh at themselves, they will never cease to be amused.

There are two kinds of people, those who finish what they start, and so on.

My husband says I never listen to him (at least I think that’s what he said)

The art of flying is to throw yourself at the ground and miss.

I used to think I was indecisive, but now I’m not sure.

“Inconceivable!” “I do not think that word means what you think it means.”

“Always in motion the future is. Seasick it makes me. That’s why so green I am”. – Yoda

Hang in there; retirement is only thirty years away.

For people who like peace and quiet – a phoneless cord.

Proofread carefully to see if you any words out.

Politicians are people who, when they see the light at the end of the tunnel, go out and buy more tunnel.

When all other means of communication fail, try words.

Half our life is spent trying to find something to do with the time we have rushed through life trying to save.

When I was young, I could remember anything. Whether it happened or not.

Everything is possible; just not too probable.

Sometimes I think the surest sign that intelligent life exists elsewhere in the universe is that none of it has tried to contact us.

I have kleptomania, but when it gets bad, I take something for it. ~ Robert Benchle

Roses are red, Violets are blue. In Soviet Russia, Poems write you.

Chaos, panic, & disorder – my work here is done.

A great many people think they are thinking when they are merely rearranging their prejudices.

England has no kidney bank, but it does have a Liverpool.

On the keyboard of life, always keep one finger on the escape key.

Man who eat many prunes get good run for money.

So Many Pedestrians – So Little Time.

Tell me what you need, and I’ll tell you how to get along without it.

The shortest distance between two points is under construction.

There are two kinds of people, those who finish what they start, and so on.

I haven’t spoken to my wife for 18 months: I don’t like to interrupt her.

He who smiles in a crisis has found someone to blame.

Best way to get a man to do something, is to suggest they are too old for it.

Why is the man that invests your money called a broker?

Time is God’s way of keeping everything from happening at once.

The secret of success is sincerity. Once you can fake that you’ve got it made.

I couldn’t repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.

I’m an apathetic sociopath – I’d kill you if I cared.

Nick Overruled - Democratic Majority Decision

Birthdays are good for you. Statistics show that the people who have the most live the longest.

Save the whales. Collect the whole set.

“Few things are harder to put up with than a good example.”—Mark Twain

Anything that can become tangled around something else, will.

Fundamentalism: Believe in a kind, loving God or we’ll kill you!

“Einstein argued that there must be simplified explanations of nature, because God is not capricious or arbitrary. No such faith comforts the software engineer.” — Fred Brooks.

Half of being smart is knowing what you are dumb at.

If the French were really intelligent, they’d speak English.

The beatings will continue until morale improves.

Sheep don’t fly so much as plummet.

After all is said and done, more is said than done.

All men are equal. Some are just more equal than others.

If all you have is a hammer, everything looks like a nail.

They say you only use ten percent of your brain. What about the other ten?

When I was a boy I was told that anybody could become president; I’m beginning to believe it.

There are only three kinds of people; people who can count and people who can’t.

I guess traffic in the city is improving a little. Yesterday, I drove clear across town and only had to shave twice.

“Reader, suppose you were an idiot. And suppose you were a member of Congress. But I repeat myself”. — Mark Twain

The only perfect science is hindsight.

Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

Shin: a device for finding furniture in the dark.

If you can’t convince them, confuse them.

I spent most of my money on booze, drugs and women... The rest I wasted!

Remember the teakettle; though up to its neck in hot water, it continues to sing.

Bachelors have consciences, married men have wives.

I’m out of my mind, but feel free to leave a message.

If it’s 0 degrees today and it’s going to be twice as cold tomorrow... how cold will it be?

Two signs from a Majorcan shop entrance: English well speaking / Here speeching American.

Is Disney World the only people trap operated by a mouse?

Eat a live toad first thing in the morning, and nothing worse can happen to you the rest of the day.

I love cats – they taste just like chicken.

I don’t have an attitude problem. You have a perception problem.

You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say will be misquoted then used against you.

Why does Sea World have a seafood restaurant? I’m halfway through my fish burger and I realize, Oh my gosh... I could be eating a slow learner.

Some pain is physical, and some is mental, but one that’s both is dental.

The amount of work to be done increases in proportion to the amount of work already completed. — VAIL’S SECOND AXIOM

Jack and Jill did it for the insurance.

I don’t have a solution but I admire the problem.

I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.

I used up all my sick days, so I’m calling in dead.

“When in doubt tell the truth.”—Mark Twain

If sex is such a natural phenomenon, how come there are so many books on how to do it.

Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian any more than going to the garage makes you a car.

Some people say that I must be a horrible person, but that’s not true. I have the heart of a young boy – in a jar on my desk.

It’s just a job. Grass grows, birds fly, waves pound the sand. I just beat people up. – Muhammad Ali

The light at the end of the tunnel has been turned off due to budget cuts.

All my life, I always wanted to be somebody. Now I see that I should have been more specific.

I live in my own little world, but it’s ok they know me here.

People can be divided into three groups: Those who make things happen, those who watch things happen, and those who wonder what happened.

I either want less corruption, or more chance to participate in it.

Jokes about German sausage are the wurst.

“A patriot must always be ready to defend his country against his government”. — Edward Abbey

Laugh at your problems; everybody else does.

There’s a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot.

It is hard enough to remember my opinions, without also remembering my reasons for them!

On a tombstone: I TOLD YOU I WAS SICK

Smoking cures weight problems...eventually...

Red Tape Holds Up New Bridge!

“C++ : Where friends have access to your private members.” — Gavin Russell Baker.

Haunted French pancakes give me the crêpes.

Doctor, Doctor You’ve got to help me – I just can’t stop my hands shaking. Do you drink a lot? Not really – I spill most of it!

Love is blind, but marriage is a real eye-opener.

It’s strange, isn’t it. You stand in the middle of a library and go aaaaagghhhh’ and everyone just stares at you. But you do the same thing on an aeroplane, and everyone joins in.

A drop of ink may make a million think.

Don’t use a big word where a diminutive one will suffice.

If we aren’t supposed to eat animals, why are they made of meat?

Man who drive like hell bound to get there.

If everything is coming your way, you are probably in the wrong lane.

Being in the army is like being in the Boy Scouts, except that the Boy Scouts have adult supervision.

Help Wanted: Telepath. You know where to apply.

A cartoonist was found dead in his home. Details are sketchy.

You can’t have everything. Where would you put it?

Who is General Failure and why is he reading my hard disk?

Connection Reset - Insufficient Electrons

Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?

An egotist is a person of low taste—more interested in himself than in me.

It’s easy to quit smoking... I’ve done it over 10,000 times.

What does a clock do when it’s hungry? It goes back four seconds.

“Heavier-than-air flying machines are impossible.” — Lord Kelvin, president, Royal Society, 1895.

Two strings walk into a bar. The first string says to the bartender, “Bartender, I’ll have a beer. u.5n$x5t?*&4ru!2[sACCErJ”. The second string says, “Pardon my friend, he isn’t NULL terminated”.

In a Norwegian cocktail lounge: Ladies are requested not to have children in the bar.

A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a train stops. On my desk I have a workstation...

A dyslexic man walks into a bra.

When in doubt, mumble.

Even crime wouldn’t pay if the government ran it.

Confidence is the feeling you have before you understand the situation.

Isn’t having a smoking section in a restaurant like having a peeing section in a swimming pool?

Don’t be irreplaceable; if you cannot be replaced, you cannot be promoted.

An egotist has one point in his favour – he doesn’t go round talking about other people.

I always wanted to be a procrastinator, never got around to it though.

If I have to work for an idiot, I might as well work for myself.

Bachelors know more about women than married men; if they didn’t they’d be married too.

I’d give my right arm to be ambidextrous.

It is not what a teenager knows that bothers his parents. It is how he found out.

I intend to live forever – so far, so good.

An Apple a day keeps the doctor away. But... an onion a day keeps everyone away.

My favorite mythical creature? The honest politician.

We are going on a field trip to the Coca-Cola factory. I hope there are no pop quizzes.

Borrow money from pessimists- they don’t expect to get it back.

Everybody is ignorant, only on different subjects.

Promises are like babies: fun to make, but hell to deliver.

If you can’t be kind, at least have the decency to be vague.

Outside of a dog, a book is probably man’s best friend, and inside of a dog, it’s too dark to read.

The dumber people think you are, the more surprised they’re going to be when you kill them—Rodney Dangerfield

I don’t like people who take drugs... Customs Officers for example.

Keyboard not detected. Press F1 to continue

Did you hear about the cross-eyed teacher who lost her job because she couldn’t control her pupils?

If vegetable oil comes from vegetables, where does baby oil come from?

Having more money doesn’t make you happier. I have 50 million dollars but I’m just as happy as when I had 48 million. ~ Arnold Schwarzenegger.

I’m desperately trying to figure out why kamikaze pilots wore helmets.

“If women didn’t exist, all the money in the world would have no meaning.” – Aristotle Onassis

A conclusion is simply the place where you got tired of thinking.

Don’t stop to stomp on ants when the elephants are stampeding.

I laugh in the face of danger, except if I’m involved.

Bigamy is having one wife too many. Monogamy is the same. – Oscar Wilde

I have spent my whole life looking for the perfect woman, and now I’ve found her. Too bad she’s looking for the perfect man.

“Hey, I’ve got reasons for what I’m doing,” REALLY MEANS, “I sure hope I think of some pretty soon.”

The trouble with life is there’s no background music.

Cluster bombing from B-52s is very, very accurate – the bombs always hit the ground.

Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7th of your life.

A procrastinator’s work is never done.

Any ship can be a minesweeper... once.

Well, this day was a total waste of makeup.

Don’t talk unless you can improve the silence.

I am obviously right, and as you disagree with me, then logically you must be wrong.

Cab drivers are living proof that practice does not make perfect.

No problem is so big and complicated that it can’t be ran away from.

A pessimist is a man who has been compelled to live with an optimist

A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat.

AIBOHPHOBIA – the fear of palindromes.

Is there life before death?

Even paranoids have real enemies.

My mind not only wanders, sometimes it leaves completely.

I wished the buck stopped here, as I could use a few.

If puns were outlawed, only outlaws would have puns.

Love is like an hourglass, with the heart filling up as the brain empties.

I can please only one person per day. Today is not your day. Tomorrow isn’t looking good either.

Needing someone is like needing a parachute. If he isn’t there the first time you need him, chances are you won’t be needing him again.

Seen it all, done it all, can’t remember most of it.

Money can’t buy happiness, but it sure makes misery easier to live with.

If con is the opposite of pro, congress is the opposite of progress.

A dog that attends a flea circus most likely will steal the whole show.

“The generation of random numbers is too important to be left to chance.” — Robert R. Coveyou, Oak Ridge National Laboratory.

A conscience does not prevent sin. It only prevents you from enjoying it.

You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.

How do you spot an Irishman at a carwash? He’s the one on the bike.

I didn’t like my beard at first. Then it grew on me.

If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?

Compromise: the art of dividing a cake so that everybody believes he or she got the biggest piece.

When in trouble, fear or doubt, run in circles, scream and shout.

Youth is a wonderful thing. What a crime to waste it on children.

I used to be apathetic, but now I don’t give a damn.

It doesn’t matter what temperature the room is; it’s always room temperature.

The best computer is a man, and it’s the only one that can be mass-produced by unskilled labour.

The world is full of willing people; some willing to work, the rest willing to let them.

I wonder how much deeper would the ocean be without sponges.

“He has been given a large brain by mistake, since for him the spinal cord would fully suffice.” — Albert Einstein

The trouble with jogging is that, by the time you realise you’re not in shape for it, it’s far too far to walk back.

Work: It isn’t just for sleeping anymore.

Murphy’s Golden Rule: Whoever has the gold makes the rules.

Remember half the people you know are below average.

Never buy a car you can’t push.

At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be “What is hell?” Come early and listen to our choir practice.

How do you keep an Irishman busy? Write P.T.O on both sides of a piece of paper.

“I’d rather have a bottle in front of me, than a frontal lobotomy”. — Tom Waits

The dictionary is the only place where success comes before work.

If the human brain were so simple that we could understand it, we would be so simple we couldn’t.

“Things are more like they are now than they ever were before.” – Former U.S. President Dwight D. Eisenhower

Under capitalism, man exploits man. Under Communism, it’s just the opposite.

I know a guy who is addicted to brake fluid. He says he can stop anytime.

Anywhere is walking distance, if you’ve got the time.

Am I getting smart with you? How would you know?

Moderation in all things, including moderation.

Arguing on the Internet is like competing in the Special Olympics – even if you win, you are still retarded.

Laugh and the world laughs with you; snore and you sleep alone.

Being a philosopher, I have a problem for every solution.

I’d like to see things your way, but I’m looking in another direction.

By the time a man realises that his father was right, he has a son who thinks he’s wrong.

Does this smell like chloroform to you?

“You, you and you: panic. The rest of you, come with me.”

Good judgement comes from experience. Experience comes from bad judgement.

“Banking establishments are more dangerous than standing armies”. — Thomas Jefferson

That which cannot be taken apart will fall apart.

What’s another word for Thesaurus?

The man who fell into an upholstery machine is fully recovered.

An Irish man was driving to the airport when he saw a sign saying ‘Airport – Left’... So he went home.

Connection Reset By Aboriginal With Wire Cutters

Partying... oops No Only Parting... sorry

System Error - Windows Loaded

Stupidity is not a handicap! Park somewhere else!

Always remember you’re unique, just like everyone else.

I did a theatrical performance about puns. It was a play on words.

People don’t grow up; they just learn how to act in public.

A hangover is the wrath of grapes.

Always try to be modest and be proud of it!

Always do sober what you said you’d do drunk. That will teach you to keep your mouth shut.

Never argue with an idiot. They drag you down to their level then beat you with experience.

Time sneaks up on you like a windshield on a bug.

In elementary school, in case of fire, you have to line up quietly in a single file line from smallest to tallest. What is the logic? Do tall people burn slower?

When you come to a fork in the road, take it.

Leftists are among the first to speak of their rights.

TEAMWORK... means never having to take all the blame yourself.

My life has a superb cast but I can’t figure out the plot.

It is well to remember the entire population of the universe, with one trifling exception, is composed of others.

Accept that some days you’re the pigeon, and some days you’re the statue.

Knowledge is the key, but where is the damn lock?

Make sure your mind isn’t so open that your brains fall out.

I had amnesia once or twice.

An army of deer led by a lion is more to be feared than an army of lions led by a deer.

At the age of six I wanted to be a cook. At seven I wanted to be Napoleon. And my ambition has been growing steadily ever since.

He does the work of three men: Larry, Moe and Curly.

If a woman has to choose between catching a fly ball and saving an infant’s life, she will choose to save the infant’s life without even considering if there is a man on base.—Dave Barry

Don’t marry for money. You can borrow it cheaper.

PMS jokes aren’t funny. Period.

Life... I don’t get it...

You can say any foolish thing to a dog, and the dog will give you a look that says, “My God, you’re right! I never would’ve thought of that!”

Why is it that to stop Windows, you have to click on “Start”?

Nothing means nothing, but it isn’t really nothing because nothing is something that isn’t.

I hate women because they always know where things are.

Where you stand depends on where you sit.

Lead us not into temptation. Just tell us where it is; we’ll find it.

I fear my inferiority complex is not as good as yours.

The only reason some people get lost in thought is because it’s unfamiliar territory.

History will be kind to me for I intend to write it. – Winston Churchill

Bacteria: the only culture some people have.

“I have never let my schooling interfere with my education.”—Mark Twain

The second day of a diet is alway easier than the first. By the second day, you’re off it.

I married my wife for her looks... but not the ones she’s been giving me lately!

“War does not determine who is right - only who is left.” – Bertrand Russell

I’m quite easy to get along with, once you learn to beckon at my every call and yield to all my desires.

Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying of nothing.

“Always be sincere, even when you don’t mean it”. — Irene Peter

You can always spot a well-informed man – his views are the same as yours.

What hair color do they put on the driver’s licenses of bald men?

It’s not hard to meet expenses, they’re everywhere.

I don’t want to achieve immortality through my work. I want to achieve immortality through not dying.

“How can a president not be an actor?” – when asked “How could an actor become president?” – Ronald Reagan

To succeed in politics, it is often necessary to rise above your principles.

Instead of getting married again, I’m going to find a woman I don’t like and just give her a house.—Rod Stewart

On the other hand you have different fingers.

111,111,111 x 111,111,111 = 12,345,678,987,654,321

I dropped out of communism class because of lousy Marx.

I have the body of a GOD – Buddha.

For Sale: Parachute. Only used once, never opened, small stain.

If you want your spouse to listen and pay strict attention to every word you say, talk in your sleep.

I have noticed that the people who are late are often so much jollier that the people who have to wait for them.

I have had more trouble with myself than with any other man I’ve met.

You have the right to your opinions. I just don’t want to hear them.

Just remember... if the world didn’t suck, we’d all fall off.

Men have a much better time of it than women; for one thing, they marry later; for another thing they die earlier.

We have two ends. One for sitting and one for thinking. Our success depends on which one we use most.

I like children. Properly cooked.

It’s hard to face the problem, when the problem is your face.

Ninety-nine per cent of the people in the world are fools and the rest of us are in great danger of contagion.

Youth would be an ideal state if it came a little later in life.

The sooner you fall behind the more time you’ll have to catch up.

Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don’t.

It used to be only death and taxes were inevitable. Now, of course, there’s shipping and handling, too.

My reality check just bounced.

I took a speed reading course and read ‘War and Peace’ in twenty minutes. It involves Russia. Enough women for four.

How do you get an Irishman to burn his ear? Ring him up while he is ironing.

Killed - Personality Incompatibility

I generally avoid temptation unless I can’t resist it.

What’s the definition of a will? (It’s a dead giveaway).

Conscience is the inner voice warning us that someone may be looking.

On the plus side, death is one of the few things that can be done just as easily as lying down.

A synonym is a word you use when you can’t spell the word you first thought of.

Be kind to your dentist. He has fillings, too.

If you don’t pay your exorcist you get repossessed.

I don’t believe in astrology. I am a Sagittarius and we’re very skeptical. ~ Arthur C. Clarke

I started out with nothing, and I still have most of it.

You’re such an inspiration for the way I’ll never choose to be.

Work expands to fill the time available. — PARKINSON’S LAW

The day I can’t do my job drunk is the day I turn in my badge and gun.

Why don’t you ever see the headline “Psychic Wins Lottery”?

Character is what you are in the dark.

“Oh dear,” said God, “I hadn’t thought of that,” and promptly vanished in a puff of logic.

I’d explain it to you, but your brain would explode.

I married Miss Right. I just didn’t know her first name was Always.

If ever I get married again it would have to be under an anaesthetic.

Solitude is fine, but you need someone to tell you that solitude is fine.

Artificial Intelligence is no match for Natural Stupidity.

Not all men are annoying. Some are dead.

Money is flat and meant to be piled up. – Scottish Proverb

People who think they know everything are annoying to those of us who do.

Heck is where people go who don’t believe in gosh.

I used to be a Kleptomaniac, But now I’m taking something for it

In a Budapest zoo: Please do not feed the animals. If you have any suitable food, give it to the guard on duty.

There’s a fine line between genius and insanity. I have erased this line.

Some people are going to leave a mark on this world, while others will leave a stain.

Friends may come and go, but enemies accumulate

Ever stop to think and forget to start again?

“The best thing about the future is that it comes only one day at a time.” – Abraham Lincoln

The trouble with the rat race is that even if you win, you’re still a rat.

Why is it called tourist season if we can’t shoot at them?

There are two types of people in this world, good and bad. The good sleep better, but the bad seem to enjoy the waking hours much more.

Make three correct guesses consecutively and you will establish yourself as an expert.

Mines are equal opportunity weapons.

When you get a bladder infection, urine trouble.

I stayed up all night to see where the sun went. Then it dawned on me.

A printer consists of three main parts: the case, the jammed paper tray and the blinking red light

Sex on television can’t hurt you unless you fall off.

Pick your friends but not to pieces.

As a final incentive before giving up a difficult task, try to imagine it successfully accomplished by someone you violently dislike.

The truth is a precious commodity. That’s why I use it so sparingly.

In the office of a Roman doctor: Specialist in women and other diseases.

Be thankful for problems. If they were less difficult, someone with less ability might have your job.

Men occasionally stumble over the truth, but most of them pick themselves up and hurry off as if nothing had happened. – Winston Churchill

The most precious thing we have is life. Yet it has absolutely no trade-in value.

There are very few personal problems that cannot be solved through a suitable application of high explosives.

In this world, nothing is certain but death and taxes. – Benjamin Franklin

If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?

Confidence is the feeling you have before you understand the situation

What do you call a dinosaur with an extensive vocabulary? A thesaurus.

“I could tell that my parents hated me. My bath toys were a toaster and a radio” — Rodney Dangerfield

Abel Tasman on discovering Tasmania, “Too far south for spices and too close to the rim of the earth to be inhabited by anything but freaks and monsters”

Tip the world over on its side and everything loose will land in Los Angeles.

Shin: a device for finding furniture in the dark.

Procrastinate Now!

All the toilets in New York’s police stations have been stolen. The police have nothing to go on.

In a Rome laundry: Ladies, leave your clothes here and spend the afternoon having a good time.

Men don’t care what’s on TV. They only care what else is on TV.

If you don’t know why I’m mad at you, then I’m certainly not going to tell you

Remember... Marriage is the number one cause of divorce. Statistically, 100% of all divorces started with marriage.

Anything not nailed down is a cat toy.

Only a fool is astonished by the foolishness of humankind.

A guy got arrested for playing the guitar. He was fingering a minor.

If you choke a smurf, what colour does it turn?

Every time I look at you I get a fierce desire to be lonesome.

We spend the first twelve months of our children’s lives teaching them to walk and talk and the next twelve telling them to sit down and shut up.

Man who run in front of car get tired.

I got a job at a bakery because I kneaded dough.

If you don’t know where you are going, you might wind up someplace else.

Madness takes its toll. Please have exact change.

One martini is all right, two is too many, and three is not enough.

“My computer NEVER loc

Snowmen fall from Heaven unassembled.

I like kids, but I don’t think I could eat a whole one.

Blessed are the young, for they shall inherit the national debt.

A backwards poet writes inverse.

I don’t approve of political jokes... I’ve seen too many of them get elected.

I think, therefore I am single.

Men are from earth. Women are from earth. Deal with it.

“I’ve noticed that everyone who is for abortion has already been born.” – Ronald Reagan

It has recently been discovered that research causes cancer in rats.

“I think there is a world market for maybe five computers.” — Thomas Watson, chairman of IBM, 1943.

“Everyday I beat my own previous record for number of consecutive days I’ve stayed alive.”

I can resist everything except temptation.

Where there’s a will, I want to be in it.

I thought I made a mistake once, but I was wrong.

Cole’s Law: Thinly sliced cabbage.

Somewhere on this globe, every ten seconds, is a woman giving birth to a child. She must be found and stopped.

If it weren’t for the last minute, nothing would ever get done.

Caution – Driver Legally Blonde!

Honesty is the best policy, but insanity is a better defence.

The early bird gets the worm, but the early worm gets eaten.

Marathon runners with bad footwear suffer the agony of defeat.

Military intelligence is a contradiction in terms.

I spilled spot remover on my dog. Now he’s gone.

Experience is something you do not get until just after you need it.

If you can’t convince them, confuse them.

In a Tokyo shop: Our nylons cost more than common, but you’ll find they are best in the long run.

Time’s fun when you’re having flies... Kermit the Frog

I always wanted to be somebody, but I should have been more specific.

Warning: Dates in Calendar are closer than they appear.

“I am not worried about the deficit. It is big enough to take care of itself.” – Ronald Reagan

Computers make it easy to do a lot of things, but most of the things that make it easier to do don’t need to be done.

The things that come to those that wait may be the things left by those who got there first.

I don’t enjoy computer jokes; not one bit.

Just because your head is the biggest doesn’t mean it contains the right ideas.

You’ll never get to heaven if you’re scared of getting high.

I’m not into working out. My philosophy: No pain, no pain.

Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?

A team effort is a lot of people doing what I say

Anything’s possible... apart from skiing through a revolving door.

“On two occasions I have been asked [by members of Parliament!]: ‘Pray, Mr. Babbage, if you put into the machine wrong figures, will the right answers come out ?’ I am not able rightly to apprehend the kind of confusion of ideas that could provoke such a question.” — Charles Babbage.

Everything you like is bad for you in some way.

The surprising thing about young fools is how many survive to become old fools.

I majored in liberal arts. Will that be for here or to go?

Remember, half the people you know are below average.

I changed my iPod’s name to Titanic. It’s syncing now.

I love work; it fascinates me; I can sit and watch it for hours.

Years ago fairy tales began with “Once upon a time...” Now it’s “If I am elected...”

Pardon my driving, I am reloading.

One day I will get this peer guy and reset his connection.

Man shoots neighbour with machete [The Miami Herald, July 3]

It is a small world, but I wouldn’t like to have to paint it.

Everybody has a photographic memory. Some don’t have film.

Plato is dead, Einstein is dead, and I’m not feeling too good myself...

If it’s true that we are here to help others, then what exactly are the others here for?

Plan to be spontaneous tomorrow.

Honest criticism is hard to take, particularly from a relative, a friend, an acquaintance, or a stranger.

I have a simple philosophy. Fill what’s empty. Empty what’s full. Scratch where it itches.

If olive oil comes from olives, where does baby oil come from?

He often broke into song because he couldn’t find the key.

My schoolmates would make love to anything that moved, but I never saw any reason to limit myself.

“A girl phoned me the other day and said... Come on over, there’s nobody home. I went over. Nobody was home” — Rodney Dangerfield

If life was fair, Elvis would be alive and all the impersonators would be dead.

The difference between a stepping-stone and a stumbling block can be when you see it.

“There is no reason anyone would want a computer in their home.” — Ken Olson, founder of Digital Equipment Corp., 1977.

Why is the third hand on the watch called a second hand?

Everybody is somebody else’s weirdo.

Horn broken. Watch for finger. (on bumper sticker)

Slow is when someone laps you in the hundred-yard dash

I don’t necessarily agree with everything I say.

Chipped dishes never break.

Quantum mechanics: The dreams stuff is made of.

If you don’t know where you are going, you will wind up somewhere else.

My husband and I divorced over religious differences... He thought he was God and I didn’t.

Life is far too important to be taken seriously.

If you think nobody cares if you’re alive, try missing a couple of car payments.

Don’t look back. Something may be gaining on you.

The trouble with our times is that the future is not what it used to be.

Never underestimate the power of very stupid people in large groups.

We’ve made great medical progress in the last generation. What used to be merely an itch is now an allergy.

You look like a million dollars. All green and wrinkled.

Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.

In democracy it’s your vote that counts. In feudalism it’s your count that votes.

99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.

To define recursion, we must first define recursion.

Energizer Bunny arrested: Charged with battery.

I’m reading a book about anti-gravity. I can’t put it down.

“They say hard work never hurt anybody, but I figure why take the chance.” – Ronald Reagan

Age always corresponds inversely to the size of your multivitamin.

Marriage is a three-ring circus: engagement ring, wedding ring, and suffering.

Authority makes some people grow – and others just swell.

If Bill Gates had a nickel for every time Windows crashed... oh wait, he does.

“I wish everyone was peaceful. Then I could take over the planet with a butter knife”—Dogbert

If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?

I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol.

If at first you don’t succeed, try, try again. Then quit. There’s no use being a damned fool about it.

Macho Law prohibits me from admitting I’m wrong.

How Many Roads Must A Man Travel Down Before He Admits He Is Lost?

Democracy is a government where you can say what you think even if you don’t think.

“The object of war is not to die for your country but to make the other bastard die for his.” – General George Patton

Every morning is the dawn of a new error.

Maybe I’m lucky to be going so slowly, because I may be going in the wrong direction.

If automobiles had followed the same development cycle as the computer, a Rolls Royce would today cost $100, get a million miles per gallon, and explode once a year, killing everyone inside.

Time is a great teacher, but unfortunately it kills all its pupils.

Marriage is not a word; it is a sentence.

I have gone to look for myself, if I should return before I get back, keep me here.

There are 3 kinds of people: those who can count and those who can’t.

Progress was all right. Only it went on too long.

The illegal we do immediately. The unconstitutional takes a little longer. – Henry Kissinger

Early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.

Don’t use a big word where a diminutive one will suffice.

Most vegetarians look so much like the food they eat that they can be classified as cannibals.

If the world should blow itself up, the last audible voice would be that of an expert saying it can’t be done.

Support bacteria – they’re the only culture some people have.

We must believe in free will, we have no choice.

If someone with multiple personalities threatens suicide... is it considered a hostage situation?

They told me I had type A blood, but it was a Type O

What sane person could live in this world and not be crazy?

In the beginning, there was nothing. Then God said, “Let there be light,” and there was still nothing, but you could see it.

System Error - Windows Loaded

The number of people watching you is directly proportional to the stupidity of your action.

“You can always count on Americans to do the right thing—after they’ve tried everything else” – Winston Churchill

Smith & Wesson — the original point and click interface.

I took an IQ test and the results were negative.

My girlfriend told me I should be more affectionate. So I got two more girlfriends.

Santa’s helpers are subordinate clauses.

According to recent study someone is run over by a car every 5 minutes in the city. You’d think the guy would have enough sense to get out of the street.

Whenever I feel like exercise, I lie down until the feeling passes.

Cheer up, the worst is yet to come.

“The web is a dominatrix. Every where I turn, I see little buttons ordering me to Submit.” — Nytwind.

“My wife made me join a bridge club. I jump off next Tuesday” — Rodney Dangerfield

Gossip: The art of saying nothing while leaving nothing unsaid.

You have to stay in shape. My grandmother, she started walking five miles a day when she was 60. She’s 97 today and we don’t know where the hell she is.

How can you come out of a closet if you never went in there in the first place?

A diplomatic husband said to his wife, how do you expect me to remember your birthday when you never look any older?

Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

This Would Be Really Funny If It Weren’t Happening To Me.

Don’t Be Sexist – Broads Hate That.

If you don’t learn to laugh at troubles, you won’t have anything to laugh at when you grow old.

Plagiarism saves time.

Democracy is the recurrent suspicion that more than half of the people are right more than half of the time.

Succeed in spite of management. Aim Low; Reach Your Goals, Avoid Disappointment.

Better to remain silent and be thought a fool, than to speak and remove all doubt.

If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?

I was the next door kid’s imaginary friend.

“I have left orders to be awakened at any time in case of national emergency – even if I’m in a Cabinet meeting.” – Ronald Reagan

If we don’t succeed, we run the risk of failure.

“Life is a waste of time, time is a waste of life, so get wasted all of the time and have the time of your life”. — Tom Waits

Never put both feet in your mouth at the same time, because then you don’t have a leg to stand on.

Everyone hates me because I’m paranoid.

To B or not to B? *kills the B* I HATE BEES!!!! – LynxofCP

Last night I lay in bed looking up at the stars in the sky and I thought to myself, “Where the heck is the ceiling?”

If at first you don’t succeed, try management.

We waste time, so you don’t have to.

Success always occurs in private, and failure in full public view.

Anyone who told you to be yourself couldn’t have given you worse advice.

When I’m not in my right mind, my left mind gets pretty crowded

Streakers beware: Your end is in sight.

Show me a piano falling down a mineshaft and I’ll show you A-flat minor.

I don’t meet competition. I crush it

I thought I wanted a career, turns out I just wanted paychecks.

When Chemists die, they barium.

It’s bad luck to be superstitious.

Why were the Indians here first? They had reservations.

The short fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.

Stupidity is not a handicap. Park elsewhere!

If you want a committed man, look in a mental hospital.

Get a new car for your spouse – it’ll be a great trade!

Statistics are like bikinis – What they reveal is suggestive, but what they conceal is vital.

“This report, by its very length, defends itself against the risk of being read”. — Winston Churchill

My mind works like lightning. One brilliant flash and it is gone.

Life is complex: it has real and imaginary parts.

I think animal testing is a terrible idea; they get all nervous and give the wrong answers.

A penny saved is a Congressional spending oversight.

“You start coding. I’ll go find out what they want.” — Computer analyst to programmer

I don’t suffer from stress. I’m a carrier.

A committee is a body that keeps minutes and wastes hours.

Constipated People Don’t Give A Crap.

One good thing about repeating your mistakes is that you know when to cringe.

If a job is worth doing well get someone else to do it.

I take everything I can for my kleptomania.

Everybody is ignorant, only on different subjects.

Never go to a doctor whose office plants have died.

This girl said she recognized me from the vegetarian club, but I’d never met herbivore

How do you sink an Irish Submarine? Knock on the hatch.

I used to be a banker, but then I lost interest.

Technology is a way of organizing the universe so that man doesn’t have to experience it.

If I were someone who knew something, who could I tell that would believe me?

I’m sorry; you cannot have an outlook on life because it isn’t responding. Microsoft apologises for any inconvenience.

INDECISION is the key to FLEXIBILITY.

I like to start my periods with sentences.

Laughing stock: cattle with a sense of humour.

Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?

It is hard to understand how a cemetery raised its burial charges and blamed it on the cost of living.

He’s not dead, he’s electroencephalographically challenged.

It is wiser to find out than to suppose.—Mark Twain

I arise in the morning torn between a desire to improve the world and a desire to enjoy the world. This makes it hard to plan the day.

No sense being pessimistic, it probably wouldn’t work anyway.

Men’s faults are many, women have only two. Everything they say, and everything they do.

Early to rise, early to bed, makes a man healthy but socially dead.

Raising teenagers is like trying to nail Jell-O to a tree.

When your IQ reaches 80 –– sell.

“Are you going to come quietly, or do I have to use earplugs?”—Vale Spike Milligan

Alcohol: the cause of, and solution to, all of life’s problems.

Hard work never killed anybody but why take the chance?

Once, during prohibition, I was forced to live for days on nothing but food and water.

I tried to photograph the fog, but I mist.

I tried sniffing Coke once, but the ice cubes got stuck in my nose.

I wondered why the baseball was getting bigger. Then it hit me.

Man who run behind car get exhausted.

If you do not make dust, you eat dust.

If trees could scream, would we be so cavalier about cutting them down? We might, if they screamed all the time, for no good reason.

“I would like to live in Manchester, England. The transition between Manchester and death would be unnoticeable”. — Mark Twain

“I worked in a pet shop and people kept asking how big I’d get” — Rodney Dangerfield

I love being married. It’s so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.

Marriage changes passion... suddenly you’re in bed with a relative.

Experience is simply the name we give our mistakes.

Hope sees the invisible, feels the intangible and achieves the impossible.

Democracy is a process by which people are free to choose the man who will get the blame.

How did Moses make his tea? Hebrews it.

Tips for Vegetarians: Hit a chicken enough times and it turns into a vegetable.

Before marriage, a man yearns for the woman he loves. After marriage, the ‘Y’ becomes silent.

What if there were no hypothetical questions?

We Quit Voting Will They All Go Away?

If you try and don’t succeed, cheat. Repeat until caught. Then lie.

“This ‘telephone’ has too many shortcomings to be seriously considered as a means of communication.” — Western Union internal memo, 1876.

Take my advice, I don’t use it anyway.

Whenever people agree with me, I always feel I must be wrong.

A person who smiles in the face of adversity... probably has a scapegoat.

You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They left a little note on the windscreen, it said ‘Parking Fine.’

How do you know if a fish is Irish? It has drowned.

Eschew obfuscation.

Anything not nailed down is mine. Anything I can pry loose is not nailed down.

I’m not afraid of heights, only widths.

It’s important to be open-minded, but not SO open-minded that your brains fall out.

I was at a bar nursing a beer. My nipple was getting quite soggy.

Being single is like a vacuum. It sucks when you are turned on.

Wine divulges truth.

If At First You Don’t Succeed... Blame Someone Else And Seek Counseling.

I’ve always wanted to be normal, but lately I’ve come to suspect that this is it.

He who trains his tongue to quote the learned sages, will be known far and wide as a smart ass.

Lots of people know a good thing the minute the other fellow sees it first.

Impotence: Nature’s Way Of Saying “No Hard Feelings”.

“#define QUESTION ((bb) || !(bb))” — Shakespeare

Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way when you criticize them, you are a mile away from them and you have their shoes.

Sheep don’t fly so much as plummet.

Acupuncture is a jab well done.

It is not my interest to pay the principal, nor my principal to pay the interest.

This mind intentionally left blank

Living is not worth dying for.

Applying computer technology is simply finding the right wrench to pound in the correct screw.

“I believe in equality for everyone, except reporters and photographers”. — Gandhi

What Has Four Legs And An Arm? A Happy Pit Bull.

If a man opens a car door for a woman, either the car is new or the woman.

Eagles may soar, but weasels don’t get sucked into jet engines.

Optimists believe we live on the greatest world. Pessimists believe this is true.

There are 10 types of people in the world: Those who understand binary, and those who don’t.

In a Copenhagen airline ticket office: We take your bags and send them in all directions.

I Refuse To Have A Battle Of Wits With An Unarmed Person.

“Blink your eyelids periodically to lubricate your eyes.” — Page 16 of the HP “Environmental, Health Safety Handbook for Employees”.

There’s a difference between being open-minded and having a hole in your head

Ours is a world where people don’t know what they want and are willing to go through hell to get it.

The most powerful force in the universe is gossip.

They say if you play a Microsoft CD backwards you hear satanic messages. That’s nothing, if you play it forwards it installs Windows.

Cleverly Disguised As A Responsible Adult.

When life hands you a lemon, make lemonade.

“Auntie Em: hate you, hate Kansas, taking the dog.” – Dorothy

The fellow who thinks he knows it all is especially annoying to those of us who do.

As long as there are tests, there will be prayer in public schools.

Money is better than poverty, if only for financial reasons.

Next time you wave, use all your fingers.

I’m in no shape to exercise.

Oh, don’t fuss. I just cut myself. It’s no big deal,” REALLY MEANS, “I have actually severed a limb, but will bleed to death before I admit I’m hurt.”

I am not a vegetarian because I love animals; I am a vegetarian because I hate plants.

Illiterate? Write For Help.

Hypochondria is the only disease I haven’t got.

e=mc^2 where m = the number of cooks required to spoil the broth

To find out a girl’s faults, praise her to her girl friends.

Nobody can be exactly like me. Even I have trouble doing it.

Those who can laugh without cause have either found the true meaning of happiness or have gone stark raving mad.

If I were two-faced, would I be wearing this one?

“When you starve with a tiger, the tiger starves last”. — Griffin’s Thought

A bird in the hand is safer than one overhead.

When a clock is hungry, it goes back four seconds.

Broken pencils are pointless.

Quantum: Noun, word used to sound like I know what I’m talking about while discussing physics I’ve never actually studied.

I am free of all prejudices. I hate everyone equally.

Vote for the man who promises least; he’ll be the least disappointing.

I plead contemporary insanity.

Sometimes I wake up grumpy; other times I let her sleep

If you’re not wasted, the day is.

Restarting System - Mouse Moved

The earthquake in Washington obviously was the government’s fault.

If you can’t dazzle them with brilliance... just baffle them with bullsh*t.

This comment is printed on 100% recycled electrons.

Doctor, Doctor I keep getting pains in the eye when I drink coffee. Have you tried taking the spoon out?

Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy.

Some people are alive only because it’s illegal to kill them.

Before you give a colleague a piece of your mind, be sure you can spare it.

All those who believe in psycho kinesis raise my hand.

In the beginning, God created earth and rested. Then God created man and rested. Then God created woman. Since then, neither God nor man has rested.

I am a nobody, nobody is perfect, therefore I’m perfect.

Jokes about German sausage are the wurst.

If at first you don’t succeed, skydiving is not your sport.

Well if this is the wrong number, why did you answer it?

It is a fitting irony that under Richard Nixon, ‘launder’ became a dirty word.

Originality is the fine art of remembering what you hear, but forgetting where you heard it.

Honk if you love peace and quiet.

If you can stay calm, while all around you is chaos... then you probably haven’t completely understood the situation.

IRS: We’ve got what it takes to take what you’ve got.

“I’ve been on a calendar but I have never been on time” – Marilyn Monroe

Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.

“There are only two things that are infinite: the universe and human stupidity. And I’m not sure about the universe.” A. Einstein

Someone sent me a postcard picture of the earth. On the back it said, “Wish you were here.”

“Managing senior programmers is like herding cats” — Dave Platt.

When angry count four, when very angry, swear.

Five out of four people have trouble with fractions.

A bargain is something you don’t need at a price you can’t resist.

“Every mighty oak was once just a nut who stood his ground.”

If quizzes are quizzical, what are tests?

When you are arguing with an idiot, make sure the other person isn’t doing the same thing.

People with narrow minds usually have broad tongues.

Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.

I hope that after I die, people will say of me: “That guy sure owed me a lot of money.”

From the moment I picked your book up until I laid it down I was convulsed with laughter. Some day I intend reading it.

What happens if you get scared half to death twice?

Modesty is a virtue of fools.

Brilliant, but with the social skills of a thermonuclear device.

If at first you do succeed, try to hide your astonishment.

The chance of a piece of bread falling with the buttered side down is directly proportional to the cost of the carpet.

“If builders built buildings the way programmers write programs, then the first woodpecker that came along would destroy civilization” — Weinberg’s Second Law.

If you’re not confused, you’re not paying attention.

Be careful when reading health books; you may die of a misprint.

If I’d known I was going to live this long, I’d have taken better care of myself.

Brain: an apparatus with which we think we think.

The human brain is a wonderful thing. It starts working the moment you are born, and never stops until you stand up to speak in public.

When you do not know what you are doing, do it neatly.

Advertisement for donkey rides in Thailand: Would you like to ride on your own ass?

It is even harder for the average ape to believe that he has descended from man.

Any task worth doing was worth doing yesterday.

Mental Floss prevents Moral Decay.

There is nothing so annoying as to have two people go right on talking when you’re interrupting.

Foolproof systems don’t take into account the ingenuity of fools.

Mind like a steel trap – rusty and illegal in most states.

How do I set a laser printer to stun?

I used to think I was indecisive, but now I’m not sure.

Everyone needs belief in something. I believe I’ll have another beer.

Latest survey shows that 3 out of 4 people make up 75% of the world’s population.

I’ve been trying for some time to develop a life style that doesn’t require my presence.

If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?

Whenever there is any doubt, there is no doubt.

Don’t take life too seriously—you’ll never get out of it alive.

Anyone can admit they were wrong; the true test is admitting it to someone else.

I installed a skylight in my apartment. The people who live above me are furious.

A bird does not sing because it has an answer—it sings because it has a song.

I am amazed at radio DJ’s today. I am firmly convinced that AM on my radio stands for Absolute Moron. I will not begin to tell you what FM stands for.

If people concentrated on the really important things in life, there’d be a shortage of fishing poles.

Get even – live long enough to be a problem to your kids.

Half of the people in the world are below average.

This guy walks into a bar and the barman says “Ouch, that must have hurt”

If you can’t beat your computer at chess, try kickboxing.

Perhaps you’re diagonally parked in a parallel universe?

If at first you don’t succeed, destroy all the evidence that you tried.

A soldier who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran.

The sooner you fall behind the more time you’ll have to catch up.

A day without sun shine is like, you know, night.

There is no such thing as an underestimate of average intelligence

Age is a very high price to pay for maturity.

Climbers aim for the summit because it is there. Bungi jumpers dive off the top because they aren’t all there.

What do you call a dinosaur with an extensive vocabulary? A thesaurus.

Just because you’re not paranoid doesn’t mean they’re not out to get you.

Of course, we are all worms—but I like to think, at least, that I am a glow-worm. – Winston Churchill

It’s not true that married men live longer than single men. It only seems longer.

“Thinking is the hardest work there is, which is probably why so few engage in it”. — Henry Ford

Does your train of thought have a caboose?

Women like silent men. They think they’re listening.

Be nice to your kids. They’ll choose your nursing home.

If money talks, it ain’t on speakin’ terms with me.

Man does not live by words alone, despite the fact that sometimes he has to eat them.

I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.

Where do you find an Irish woodworm? Dead inside a brick.

Why is it that doctors call what they do “practice”?

Never put off until tomorrow what you can avoid altogether.

He who laughs last thinks slowest.

The only difference between Genius and Insanity... is success.

“Then he ran into my knife. He ran into my knife ten times.” – Chicago

Booze is the answer. I don’t remember the question.

Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.

Consciousness: that annoying time between naps.

Programmer – A red-eyed, mumbling mammal capable of conversing with inanimate objects.

Age is a question of mind over matter. If you don’t mind, it don’t matter.

Well, if I called the wrong number, why did you answer the phone?

“You have to be careful about being too careful” – Beryl Pfizer

Venison for dinner again? Oh deer!

I had some words with my wife, and she had some paragraphs with me.

“If carrots are so good for the eyes, how come I see so many dead rabbits on the highway?”

If a President doesn’t do it to his wife, he’ll do it to his country.

I used to find him boring until I stopped listening.

Everybody lies, but it doesn’t matter since nobody listens.

When he first ran for office, he appealed to the voters: “I never stole anything in my life. All I ask is a chance.”

Englishmen never will be slaves: they are free to do whatever the Government and public opinion allow them to do.

Time flies like an arrow – fruit flies like a banana.

“People who drink light beer don’t like the taste of beer; they just like to pee a lot” — Rodney Dangerfield

Seeing a murder on television...will help work off one’s antagonisms. And if you haven’t any antagonisms, the commercials will give you some.

Insanity is hereditary; you can get it from your children.

I think that’s how Chicago got started. A bunch of people in New York said, “Gee, I’m enjoying the crime and the poverty, but it just isn’t cold enough. Let’s go west.”—Richard Jeni

I’m an idealist: I don’t know where I’m going, but I’m on my way.

I stayed up all night to see where the sun went. Then it dawned on me.

If we learn by our mistakes, some of us are getting one hell of an education!

Eagles may soar, but weasels don’t get sucked into jet engines.

I don’t suffer from stress. I’m a carrier.

Anger is only one letter away from danger.

“There are two major products that come out of Berkeley: LSD and UNIX. We don’t believe this to be a coincidence.” — Jeremy S. Anderson

Velcro — what a rip off!

Outside a Hong Kong tailor shop: Ladies may have a fit upstairs.

As the light changed from red to green to yellow and back to red again, I sat there thinking about life. Was it nothing more than a bunch of honking and yelling? Sometimes it seemed that way.

Some people are alive only because it’s illegal to kill them.

Go the extra mile. It makes your boss look like an incompetent slacker.

I work hard because millions on welfare depend on me.

The more time you spend in reporting on what you are doing, the less time you have to do it in. Stability is achieved when you spend all your time doing nothing but reporting on the nothing you are doing.

Why do we wash bath towels, aren’t we clean when we use them?

One good turn gets most of the blankets.

If you’re born again, do you have two bellybuttons?

Bacteria: the only culture some people have.

My one regret in life is that I am not someone else.

Comedy is tragedy plus time.

I envy people who drink – at least they know what to blame everything on.

One of the greatest labour-saving inventions today is tomorrow.

Age is an issue of mind over matter. If you don’t mind, it doesn’t matter.

“Your mouse has moved. Windows must be restarted for the change to take effect. Reboot now ? [OK]”

My parents stayed together for forty years, but that was out of spite.

“As a matter of fact” is an expression that precedes many an expression that isn’t.

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