Amusing Quotes & One-Liners — Ned Martin’s Amused

Amusing Quotes & One-Liners

From the moment I picked your book up until I laid it down I was convulsed with laughter. Some day I intend reading it.

Laughing stock: cattle with a sense of humour.

If you choke a smurf, what colour does it turn?

Go the extra mile. It makes your boss look like an incompetent slacker.

Horn broken. Watch for finger. (on bumper sticker)

A hangover is the wrath of grapes.

Jack and Jill did it for the insurance.

Slow is when someone laps you in the hundred-yard dash

I hate women because they always know where things are.

Love is blind, but marriage is a real eye-opener.

I’m not dumb; I just have a command of thoroughly useless information.

He who trains his tongue to quote the learned sages, will be known far and wide as a smart ass.

Save the whales. Collect the whole set.

Men don’t care what’s on TV. They only care what else is on TV.

Killed - Personality Incompatibility

Brilliant, but with the social skills of a thermonuclear device.

Anything that can become tangled around something else, will.

How Many Roads Must A Man Travel Down Before He Admits He Is Lost?

He’s not dead, he’s electroencephalographically challenged.

My girlfriend told me I should be more affectionate. So I got two more girlfriends.

When I was young, I could remember anything. Whether it happened or not.

If I’d known I was going to live this long, I’d have taken better care of myself.

I have a simple philosophy. Fill what’s empty. Empty what’s full. Scratch where it itches.

I laugh in the face of danger, except if I’m involved.

Be thankful for problems. If they were less difficult, someone with less ability might have your job.

Where there’s a will, I want to be in it.

Man who drive like hell bound to get there.

Once, during prohibition, I was forced to live for days on nothing but food and water.

What’s the definition of a will? (It’s a dead giveaway).

Acupuncture is a jab well done.

Vote for the man who promises least; he’ll be the least disappointing.

England has no kidney bank, but it does have a Liverpool.

When in trouble, fear or doubt, run in circles, scream and shout.

I changed my iPod’s name to Titanic. It’s syncing now.

People can be divided into three groups: Those who make things happen, those who watch things happen, and those who wonder what happened.

The number of people watching you is directly proportional to the stupidity of your action.

I don’t have an attitude problem. You have a perception problem.

I love work; it fascinates me; I can sit and watch it for hours.

Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

It is not what a teenager knows that bothers his parents. It is how he found out.

I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.

System Error - Windows Loaded

Modesty is a virtue of fools.

“Everyday I beat my own previous record for number of consecutive days I’ve stayed alive.”

I was at a bar nursing a beer. My nipple was getting quite soggy.

All the toilets in New York’s police stations have been stolen. The police have nothing to go on.

I took a speed reading course and read ‘War and Peace’ in twenty minutes. It involves Russia. Enough women for four.

I dropped out of communism class because of lousy Marx.

I wondered why the baseball was getting bigger. Then it hit me.

“Blink your eyelids periodically to lubricate your eyes.” — Page 16 of the HP “Environmental, Health Safety Handbook for Employees”.

Pick your friends but not to pieces.

Support bacteria – they’re the only culture some people have.

Never put both feet in your mouth at the same time, because then you don’t have a leg to stand on.

When I’m not in my right mind, my left mind gets pretty crowded

If you can’t convince them, confuse them.

Maybe I’m lucky to be going so slowly, because I may be going in the wrong direction.

Best way to get a man to do something, is to suggest they are too old for it.

The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.

An Apple a day keeps the doctor away. But... an onion a day keeps everyone away.

111,111,111 x 111,111,111 = 12,345,678,987,654,321

If puns were outlawed, only outlaws would have puns.

It is wiser to find out than to suppose.—Mark Twain

I Haven’t Lost My Mind, It’s Backed Up On Disk Somewhere.

Everything is possible; just not too probable.

I can resist everything except temptation.

“You, you and you: panic. The rest of you, come with me.”

The man who fell into an upholstery machine is fully recovered.

I Refuse To Have A Battle Of Wits With An Unarmed Person.

The trouble with the rat race is that even if you win, you’re still a rat.

If ever I get married again it would have to be under an anaesthetic.

I installed a skylight in my apartment. The people who live above me are furious.

Take my advice, I don’t use it anyway.

The doctor can bury his mistakes but an architect can only advise his client to plant vines.

The illegal we do immediately. The unconstitutional takes a little longer. – Henry Kissinger

We spend the first twelve months of our children’s lives teaching them to walk and talk and the next twelve telling them to sit down and shut up.

There’s a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot.

Youth is a wonderful thing. What a crime to waste it on children.

The only reason some people get lost in thought is because it’s unfamiliar territory.

A bird does not sing because it has an answer—it sings because it has a song.

Don’t use a big word where a diminutive one will suffice.

Make sure your mind isn’t so open that your brains fall out.

Plan to be spontaneous tomorrow.

You can always spot a well-informed man – his views are the same as yours.

Sex on television can’t hurt you unless you fall off.

Compromise: the art of dividing a cake so that everybody believes he or she got the biggest piece.

Legend: a lie that has attained the dignity of age.

Where do you find an Irish woodworm? Dead inside a brick.

“You start coding. I’ll go find out what they want.” — Computer analyst to programmer

If we don’t succeed, we run the risk of failure.

“Managing senior programmers is like herding cats” — Dave Platt.

If money talks, it ain’t on speakin’ terms with me.

Statistics are like bikinis – What they reveal is suggestive, but what they conceal is vital.

We Quit Voting Will They All Go Away?

One of the greatest labour-saving inventions today is tomorrow.

Cheerfulness is contagious, but don’t wait to catch it from others. Be a carrier.

Procrastinate Now!

“A patriot must always be ready to defend his country against his government”. — Edward Abbey

Never argue with an idiot. They drag you down to their level then beat you with experience.

Nick Overruled - Democratic Majority Decision

A dyslexic man walks into a bra.

I have kleptomania, but when it gets bad, I take something for it. ~ Robert Benchle

Leftists are among the first to speak of their rights.

Oh, don’t fuss. I just cut myself. It’s no big deal,” REALLY MEANS, “I have actually severed a limb, but will bleed to death before I admit I’m hurt.”

Chaos, panic, & disorder – my work here is done.

If I were two-faced, would I be wearing this one?

Just because you’re not paranoid doesn’t mean they’re not out to get you.

In elementary school, in case of fire, you have to line up quietly in a single file line from smallest to tallest. What is the logic? Do tall people burn slower?

“Few things are harder to put up with than a good example.”—Mark Twain

If the French were really intelligent, they’d speak English.

Broken pencils are pointless.

Artificial Intelligence is no match for Natural Stupidity.

Some pain is physical, and some is mental, but one that’s both is dental.

Advertisement for donkey rides in Thailand: Would you like to ride on your own ass?

Macho Law prohibits me from admitting I’m wrong.

When you get a bladder infection, urine trouble.

If you don’t learn to laugh at troubles, you won’t have anything to laugh at when you grow old.

Stupidity is not a handicap. Park elsewhere!

All men are equal. Some are just more equal than others.

PMS jokes aren’t funny. Period.

Whenever people agree with me, I always feel I must be wrong.

“The best thing about the future is that it comes only one day at a time.” – Abraham Lincoln

To err is human – and to blame it on a computer is even more so.

What’s another word for Thesaurus?

The shortest distance between two points is under construction.

Nothing means nothing, but it isn’t really nothing because nothing is something that isn’t.

Confidence is the feeling you have before you understand the situation

It’s hard to face the problem, when the problem is your face.

The trouble with life is there’s no background music.

I fear my inferiority complex is not as good as yours.

Blessed are those who can laugh at themselves, they will never cease to be amused.

I married Miss Right. I just didn’t know her first name was Always.

My schoolmates would make love to anything that moved, but I never saw any reason to limit myself.

God must love stupid people, he made so many.

Five out of four people have trouble with fractions.

How do you keep an Irishman busy? Write P.T.O on both sides of a piece of paper.

Moderation in all things, including moderation.

Perhaps you’re diagonally parked in a parallel universe?

“When you starve with a tiger, the tiger starves last”. — Griffin’s Thought

Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying of nothing.

You can say any foolish thing to a dog, and the dog will give you a look that says, “My God, you’re right! I never would’ve thought of that!”

Borrow money from pessimists- they don’t expect to get it back.

The scientific theory I like best is that the rings of Saturn are composed entirely of lost airline luggage.

It’s not that I’m afraid to die; I just don’t want to be there when it happens.

Why were the Indians here first? They had reservations.

Smoking cures weight problems...eventually...

Lord, if you won’t make me skinny, please make all my friends fat.

A procrastinator’s work is never done.

How did Moses make his tea? Hebrews it.

Alcohol: the cause of, and solution to, all of life’s problems.

“As a matter of fact” is an expression that precedes many an expression that isn’t.

Those who can laugh without cause have either found the true meaning of happiness or have gone stark raving mad.

I’d explain it to you, but your brain would explode.

It’s strange, isn’t it. You stand in the middle of a library and go aaaaagghhhh’ and everyone just stares at you. But you do the same thing on an aeroplane, and everyone joins in.

Just because your head is the biggest doesn’t mean it contains the right ideas.

I generally avoid temptation unless I can’t resist it.

How can you come out of a closet if you never went in there in the first place?

Connection Reset By Aboriginal With Wire Cutters

People who think they know everything are annoying to those of us who do.

If you want a committed man, look in a mental hospital.

The only perfect science is hindsight.

I can please only one person per day. Today is not your day. Tomorrow isn’t looking good either.

Being a philosopher, I have a problem for every solution.

I’m not afraid of heights, only widths.

Well if this is the wrong number, why did you answer it?

“Every mighty oak was once just a nut who stood his ground.”

Man does not live by words alone, despite the fact that sometimes he has to eat them.

Why don’t you ever see the headline “Psychic Wins Lottery”?

You have the right to your opinions. I just don’t want to hear them.

There are two kinds of people, those who finish what they start, and so on.

I don’t necessarily agree with everything I say.

That which cannot be taken apart will fall apart.

I majored in liberal arts. Will that be for here or to go?

Shin: a device for finding furniture in the dark.

Instead of getting married again, I’m going to find a woman I don’t like and just give her a house.—Rod Stewart

Progress was all right. Only it went on too long.

A person who smiles in the face of adversity... probably has a scapegoat.

How do you sink an Irish Submarine? Knock on the hatch.

A poor excuse is like an old bucket; doesn’t matter what shape it is in, as long as it holds water.

A clean tie attracts the soup of the day.

Hemp is a herb. Bush is a dope.

I used to be a Kleptomaniac, But now I’m taking something for it

This girl said she recognized me from the vegetarian club, but I’d never met herbivore

Is Disney World the only people trap operated by a mouse?

Only a fool is astonished by the foolishness of humankind.

Cole’s Law: Thinly sliced cabbage.

Most vegetarians look so much like the food they eat that they can be classified as cannibals.

Confidence is the feeling you have before you understand the situation.

I married my wife for her looks... but not the ones she’s been giving me lately!

If people concentrated on the really important things in life, there’d be a shortage of fishing poles.

My husband and I divorced over religious differences... He thought he was God and I didn’t.

I stayed up all night to see where the sun went. Then it dawned on me.

Honesty is the best policy, but insanity is a better defence.

Everything you like is bad for you in some way.

If all you have is a hammer, everything looks like a nail.

The fellow who thinks he knows it all is especially annoying to those of us who do.

The day I can’t do my job drunk is the day I turn in my badge and gun.

The sooner you fall behind the more time you’ll have to catch up.

If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?

If a job is worth doing well get someone else to do it.

In a Norwegian cocktail lounge: Ladies are requested not to have children in the bar.

I think animal testing is a terrible idea; they get all nervous and give the wrong answers.

Laugh and the world laughs with you; snore and you sleep alone.

There’s a fine line between genius and insanity. I have erased this line.

Am I getting smart with you? How would you know?

Men have a much better time of it than women; for one thing, they marry later; for another thing they die earlier.

It is a fitting irony that under Richard Nixon, ‘launder’ became a dirty word.

“I’ve noticed that everyone who is for abortion has already been born.” – Ronald Reagan

Constipated People Don’t Give A Crap.

Plato is dead, Einstein is dead, and I’m not feeling too good myself...

Promises are like babies: fun to make, but hell to deliver.

A guy got arrested for playing the guitar. He was fingering a minor.

Life is far too important to be taken seriously.

For people who like peace and quiet – a phoneless cord.

I used to be apathetic, but now I don’t give a damn.

The early bird gets the worm, but the early worm gets eaten.

The secret of success is sincerity. Once you can fake that you’ve got it made.

I’m not into working out. My philosophy: No pain, no pain.

If you don’t know where you are going, you will wind up somewhere else.

Always do sober what you said you’d do drunk. That will teach you to keep your mouth shut.

I am amazed at radio DJ’s today. I am firmly convinced that AM on my radio stands for Absolute Moron. I will not begin to tell you what FM stands for.

Authority makes some people grow – and others just swell.

I’m reading a book about anti-gravity. I can’t put it down.

I haven’t spoken to my wife for 18 months: I don’t like to interrupt her.

As a final incentive before giving up a difficult task, try to imagine it successfully accomplished by someone you violently dislike.

I take everything I can for my kleptomania.

The chance of a piece of bread falling with the buttered side down is directly proportional to the cost of the carpet.

They say if you play a Microsoft CD backwards you hear satanic messages. That’s nothing, if you play it forwards it installs Windows.

Sheep don’t fly so much as plummet.

I know a guy who is addicted to brake fluid. He says he can stop anytime.

Somewhere on this globe, every ten seconds, is a woman giving birth to a child. She must be found and stopped.

A soldier who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran.

Even paranoids have real enemies.

One good turn gets most of the blankets.

You have to stay in shape. My grandmother, she started walking five miles a day when she was 60. She’s 97 today and we don’t know where the hell she is.

Why is it that doctors call what they do “practice”?

This guy walks into a bar and the barman says “Ouch, that must have hurt”

I don’t suffer from stress. I’m a carrier.

Next time you wave, use all your fingers.

Everybody is ignorant, only on different subjects.

Marriage is not a word; it is a sentence.

“Heavier-than-air flying machines are impossible.” — Lord Kelvin, president, Royal Society, 1895.

To succeed in politics, it is often necessary to rise above your principles.

Some people are going to leave a mark on this world, while others will leave a stain.

You’ll never get to heaven if you’re scared of getting high.

Red Tape Holds Up New Bridge!

If someone with multiple personalities threatens suicide... is it considered a hostage situation?

“If carrots are so good for the eyes, how come I see so many dead rabbits on the highway?”

It is said that if you line up all the cars in the world end to end, someone would be stupid enough to try and pass them.

Being single is like a vacuum. It sucks when you are turned on.

Murphy’s Golden Rule: Whoever has the gold makes the rules.

If you try and don’t succeed, cheat. Repeat until caught. Then lie.

Help Wanted: Telepath. You know where to apply.

There are 3 kinds of people: those who can count and those who can’t.

If you want your spouse to listen and pay strict attention to every word you say, talk in your sleep.

In democracy it’s your vote that counts. In feudalism it’s your count that votes.

What does a clock do when it’s hungry? It goes back four seconds.

After all is said and done, more is said than done.

“#define QUESTION ((bb) || !(bb))” — Shakespeare

Don’t Be Sexist – Broads Hate That.

They told me I had type A blood, but it was a Type O

“Life is a waste of time, time is a waste of life, so get wasted all of the time and have the time of your life”. — Tom Waits

Show me a piano falling down a mineshaft and I’ll show you A-flat minor.

As long as there are tests, there will be prayer in public schools.

“Thinking is the hardest work there is, which is probably why so few engage in it”. — Henry Ford

The best computer is a man, and it’s the only one that can be mass-produced by unskilled labour.

The beatings will continue until morale improves.

Women like silent men. They think they’re listening.

INDECISION is the key to FLEXIBILITY.

Why is the third hand on the watch called a second hand?

I got a job at a bakery because I kneaded dough.

Someday we’ll look back on all this and plow into the back of a parked car.

I heard a man say that brigands demand your money or your life, whereas women require both.

Anywhere is walking distance, if you’ve got the time.

“Always be sincere, even when you don’t mean it”. — Irene Peter

Just remember... if the world didn’t suck, we’d all fall off.

If you don’t pay your exorcist you get repossessed.

A pessimist is a man who has been compelled to live with an optimist

In the beginning, God created earth and rested. Then God created man and rested. Then God created woman. Since then, neither God nor man has rested.

I tried sniffing Coke once, but the ice cubes got stuck in my nose.

A baby sitter is a teenager acting like an adult while the adults are out acting like teenagers.

One good thing about repeating your mistakes is that you know when to cringe.

I spent most of my money on booze, drugs and women... The rest I wasted!

If trees could scream, would we be so cavalier about cutting them down? We might, if they screamed all the time, for no good reason.

Why is the man that invests your money called a broker?

Sometimes I think the surest sign that intelligent life exists elsewhere in the universe is that none of it has tried to contact us.

Conscience is the inner voice warning us that someone may be looking.

No problem is so big and complicated that it can’t be ran away from.

I guess traffic in the city is improving a little. Yesterday, I drove clear across town and only had to shave twice.

Haunted French pancakes give me the crêpes.

Character is what you are in the dark.

On a tombstone: I TOLD YOU I WAS SICK

IRS: We’ve got what it takes to take what you’ve got.

A day without sun shine is like, you know, night.

Quantum mechanics: The dreams stuff is made of.

The art of flying is to throw yourself at the ground and miss.

I couldn’t repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.

Some people are alive only because it’s illegal to kill them.

An army of deer led by a lion is more to be feared than an army of lions led by a deer.

“There are only two things that are infinite: the universe and human stupidity. And I’m not sure about the universe.” A. Einstein

On the plus side, death is one of the few things that can be done just as easily as lying down.

Don’t marry for money. You can borrow it cheaper.

If con is the opposite of pro, congress is the opposite of progress.

When I was a boy I was told that anybody could become president; I’m beginning to believe it.

Bacteria: the only culture some people have.

If you’re not confused, you’re not paying attention.

Get a new car for your spouse – it’ll be a great trade!

Money can’t buy happiness, but it sure makes misery easier to live with.

To find out a girl’s faults, praise her to her girl friends.

I have spent my whole life looking for the perfect woman, and now I’ve found her. Too bad she’s looking for the perfect man.

Keyboard not detected. Press F1 to continue

I’m out of my mind, but feel free to leave a message.

The dictionary is the only place where success comes before work.

There is no such thing as an underestimate of average intelligence

When Chemists die, they barium.

Eat a live toad first thing in the morning, and nothing worse can happen to you the rest of the day.

The short fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.

Time is God’s way of keeping everything from happening at once.

You look like a million dollars. All green and wrinkled.

I didn’t like my beard at first. Then it grew on me.

“He has been given a large brain by mistake, since for him the spinal cord would fully suffice.” — Albert Einstein

I am a nobody, nobody is perfect, therefore I’m perfect.

If we aren’t supposed to eat animals, why are they made of meat?

“My wife made me join a bridge club. I jump off next Tuesday” — Rodney Dangerfield

Energizer Bunny arrested: Charged with battery.

“Auntie Em: hate you, hate Kansas, taking the dog.” – Dorothy

“There are two major products that come out of Berkeley: LSD and UNIX. We don’t believe this to be a coincidence.” — Jeremy S. Anderson

There are two types of people in this world, good and bad. The good sleep better, but the bad seem to enjoy the waking hours much more.

Friends may come and go, but enemies accumulate

I like children. Properly cooked.

Time sneaks up on you like a windshield on a bug.

Everybody has a photographic memory. Some don’t have film.

Democracy is the recurrent suspicion that more than half of the people are right more than half of the time.

No sense being pessimistic, it probably wouldn’t work anyway.

Outside a Hong Kong tailor shop: Ladies may have a fit upstairs.

Success always occurs in private, and failure in full public view.

If I have to work for an idiot, I might as well work for myself.

It is not my interest to pay the principal, nor my principal to pay the interest.

I used to think I was indecisive, but now I’m not sure.

Remember, half the people you know are below average.

I get enough exercise just pushing my luck.

I was the next door kid’s imaginary friend.

It’s not true that married men live longer than single men. It only seems longer.

Sheep don’t fly so much as plummet.

“If builders built buildings the way programmers write programs, then the first woodpecker that came along would destroy civilization” — Weinberg’s Second Law.

I don’t have a solution but I admire the problem.

Caution – Driver Legally Blonde!

There is nothing so annoying as to have two people go right on talking when you’re interrupting.

Before you give a colleague a piece of your mind, be sure you can spare it.

I love deadlines. I especially like the whooshing sound they make as they go flying by.

Computers make it easy to do a lot of things, but most of the things that make it easier to do don’t need to be done.

Eagles may soar, but weasels don’t get sucked into jet engines.

Ninety-nine per cent of the people in the world are fools and the rest of us are in great danger of contagion.

I am obviously right, and as you disagree with me, then logically you must be wrong.

Anyone who told you to be yourself couldn’t have given you worse advice.

We must believe in free will, we have no choice.

My favorite mythical creature? The honest politician.

Men’s faults are many, women have only two. Everything they say, and everything they do.

Fundamentalism: Believe in a kind, loving God or we’ll kill you!

If you can’t dazzle them with brilliance... just baffle them with bullsh*t.

Tips for Vegetarians: Hit a chicken enough times and it turns into a vegetable.

I’d give my right arm to be ambidextrous.

How do you know if a fish is Irish? It has drowned.

Having more money doesn’t make you happier. I have 50 million dollars but I’m just as happy as when I had 48 million. ~ Arnold Schwarzenegger.

“I could tell that my parents hated me. My bath toys were a toaster and a radio” — Rodney Dangerfield

My husband says I never listen to him (at least I think that’s what he said)

Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.

I did a theatrical performance about puns. It was a play on words.

Why is it called tourist season if we can’t shoot at them?

A team effort is a lot of people doing what I say

He who smiles in a crisis has found someone to blame.

If you’re not wasted, the day is.

If quizzes are quizzical, what are tests?

Seen it all, done it all, can’t remember most of it.

Where you stand depends on where you sit.

A diplomatic husband said to his wife, how do you expect me to remember your birthday when you never look any older?

If life was fair, Elvis would be alive and all the impersonators would be dead.

Genius is 1% inspiration, and 99% perspiration.

For Sale: Parachute. Only used once, never opened, small stain.

A penny saved is a Congressional spending oversight.

Raising teenagers is like trying to nail Jell-O to a tree.

When you do not know what you are doing, do it neatly.

I am free of all prejudices. I hate everyone equally.

There’s a difference between being open-minded and having a hole in your head

Everybody is ignorant, only on different subjects.

“You have to be careful about being too careful” – Beryl Pfizer

This comment is printed on 100% recycled electrons.

I live in my own little world, but it’s ok they know me here.

I hope that after I die, people will say of me: “That guy sure owed me a lot of money.”

There are very few personal problems that cannot be solved through a suitable application of high explosives.

Get even – live long enough to be a problem to your kids.

Someone sent me a postcard picture of the earth. On the back it said, “Wish you were here.”

I don’t suffer from stress. I’m a carrier.

He often broke into song because he couldn’t find the key.

I am not a vegetarian because I love animals; I am a vegetarian because I hate plants.

Humour. It is a difficult concept. It is not logical.

I don’t believe in astrology. I am a Sagittarius and we’re very skeptical. ~ Arthur C. Clarke

Bacteria: the only culture some people have.

If you can stay calm, while all around you is chaos... then you probably haven’t completely understood the situation.

Proofread carefully to see if you any words out.

When angry count four, when very angry, swear.

Bachelors have consciences, married men have wives.

“When in doubt tell the truth.”—Mark Twain

There are 10 types of people in the world: Those who understand binary, and those who don’t.

Did you hear about the cross-eyed teacher who lost her job because she couldn’t control her pupils?

I took an IQ test and the results were negative.

What hair color do they put on the driver’s licenses of bald men?

Any ship can be a minesweeper... once.

The most powerful force in the universe is gossip.

Who is General Failure and why is he reading my hard disk?

When a clock is hungry, it goes back four seconds.

When all other means of communication fail, try words.

Impotence: Nature’s Way Of Saying “No Hard Feelings”.

System Error - Windows Loaded

If it weren’t for electricity we’d all be watching television by candlelight?

Ever stop to think and forget to start again?

I thought I made a mistake once, but I was wrong.

A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a train stops. On my desk I have a workstation...

If the world should blow itself up, the last audible voice would be that of an expert saying it can’t be done.

I have had more trouble with myself than with any other man I’ve met.

A bargain is something you don’t need at a price you can’t resist.

It is hard enough to remember my opinions, without also remembering my reasons for them!

Hypochondria is the only disease I haven’t got.

Nobody can be exactly like me. Even I have trouble doing it.

Life is complex: it has real and imaginary parts.

I envy people who drink – at least they know what to blame everything on.

The more time you spend in reporting on what you are doing, the less time you have to do it in. Stability is achieved when you spend all your time doing nothing but reporting on the nothing you are doing.

Whenever there is any doubt, there is no doubt.

“Things are more like they are now than they ever were before.” – Former U.S. President Dwight D. Eisenhower

Never put off until tomorrow what you can avoid altogether.

He who laughs last thinks slowest.

Seeing a murder on television...will help work off one’s antagonisms. And if you haven’t any antagonisms, the commercials will give you some.

The trouble with jogging is that, by the time you realise you’re not in shape for it, it’s far too far to walk back.

If At First You Don’t Succeed... Blame Someone Else And Seek Counseling.

Arguing on the Internet is like competing in the Special Olympics – even if you win, you are still retarded.

My mind works like lightning. One brilliant flash and it is gone.

Pardon my driving, I am reloading.

It doesn’t matter what temperature the room is; it’s always room temperature.

“I have left orders to be awakened at any time in case of national emergency – even if I’m in a Cabinet meeting.” – Ronald Reagan

The trouble with our times is that the future is not what it used to be.

It’s important to be open-minded, but not SO open-minded that your brains fall out.

Technology is a way of organizing the universe so that man doesn’t have to experience it.

Warning: Dates in Calendar are closer than they appear.

I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol.

I’m quite easy to get along with, once you learn to beckon at my every call and yield to all my desires.

If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?

Some people say that I must be a horrible person, but that’s not true. I have the heart of a young boy – in a jar on my desk.

Don’t be irreplaceable; if you cannot be replaced, you cannot be promoted.

You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.

You’re such an inspiration for the way I’ll never choose to be.

One day I will get this peer guy and reset his connection.

TEAMWORK... means never having to take all the blame yourself.

We have two ends. One for sitting and one for thinking. Our success depends on which one we use most.

Madness takes its toll. Please have exact change.

Any task worth doing was worth doing yesterday.

This mind intentionally left blank

Foolproof systems don’t take into account the ingenuity of fools.

Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7th of your life.

Even crime wouldn’t pay if the government ran it.

If you can’t convince them, confuse them.

I had amnesia once or twice.

Men occasionally stumble over the truth, but most of them pick themselves up and hurry off as if nothing had happened. – Winston Churchill

A synonym is a word you use when you can’t spell the word you first thought of.

Bachelors know more about women than married men; if they didn’t they’d be married too.

Work: It isn’t just for sleeping anymore.

Cheer up, the worst is yet to come.

“There is no reason anyone would want a computer in their home.” — Ken Olson, founder of Digital Equipment Corp., 1977.

“I believe in equality for everyone, except reporters and photographers”. — Gandhi

When life hands you a lemon, make lemonade.

Anything’s possible... apart from skiing through a revolving door.

If you don’t know where you are going, you might wind up someplace else.

A committee is a body that keeps minutes and wastes hours.

Two strings walk into a bar. The first string says to the bartender, “Bartender, I’ll have a beer. u.5n$x5t?*&4ru!2[sACCErJ”. The second string says, “Pardon my friend, he isn’t NULL terminated”.

Ours is a world where people don’t know what they want and are willing to go through hell to get it.

Some people are alive only because it’s illegal to kill them.

Despite the cost of living it’s still very popular.

The things that come to those that wait may be the things left by those who got there first.

I wonder how much deeper would the ocean be without sponges.

There are two kinds of people, those who finish what they start, and so on.

Honk if you love peace and quiet.

“On two occasions I have been asked [by members of Parliament!]: ‘Pray, Mr. Babbage, if you put into the machine wrong figures, will the right answers come out ?’ I am not able rightly to apprehend the kind of confusion of ideas that could provoke such a question.” — Charles Babbage.

It has recently been discovered that research causes cancer in rats.

“Banking establishments are more dangerous than standing armies”. — Thomas Jefferson

I have noticed that the people who are late are often so much jollier that the people who have to wait for them.

Early to rise, early to bed, makes a man healthy but socially dead.

Before marriage, a man yearns for the woman he loves. After marriage, the ‘Y’ becomes silent.

You’re not drunk if you can lie on the floor without holding on.

You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They left a little note on the windscreen, it said ‘Parking Fine.’

I don’t want to achieve immortality through my work. I want to achieve immortality through not dying.

By the time a man realises that his father was right, he has a son who thinks he’s wrong.

The light at the end of the tunnel has been turned off due to budget cuts.

He does the work of three men: Larry, Moe and Curly.

Don’t talk unless you can improve the silence.

AIBOHPHOBIA – the fear of palindromes.

Mind like a steel trap – rusty and illegal in most states.

When your IQ reaches 80 –– sell.

It is hard to understand how a cemetery raised its burial charges and blamed it on the cost of living.

I often quote myself; it adds spice to my conversation.

“If women didn’t exist, all the money in the world would have no meaning.” – Aristotle Onassis

Eagles may soar, but weasels don’t get sucked into jet engines.

Age is an issue of mind over matter. If you don’t mind, it doesn’t matter.

Latest survey shows that 3 out of 4 people make up 75% of the world’s population.

“Reader, suppose you were an idiot. And suppose you were a member of Congress. But I repeat myself”. — Mark Twain

Does this smell like chloroform to you?

Man shoots neighbour with machete [The Miami Herald, July 3]

If you can’t be kind, at least have the decency to be vague.

A bird in the hand is safer than one overhead.

I majored in liberal arts. Will that be for here or to go?

Everyone hates me because I’m paranoid.

Sometimes I wake up grumpy; other times I let her sleep

I’ve always wanted to be normal, but lately I’ve come to suspect that this is it.

Of course, we are all worms—but I like to think, at least, that I am a glow-worm. – Winston Churchill

Partying... oops No Only Parting... sorry

If everything is coming your way, you are probably in the wrong lane.

I had some words with my wife, and she had some paragraphs with me.

It’s easy to quit smoking... I’ve done it over 10,000 times.

I used to think I was indecisive, but now I’m not sure.

If at first you don’t succeed, destroy all the evidence that you tried.

Blessed are the young, for they shall inherit the national debt.

Don’t look back. Something may be gaining on you.

Needing someone is like needing a parachute. If he isn’t there the first time you need him, chances are you won’t be needing him again.

Jokes about German sausage are the wurst.

“Are you going to come quietly, or do I have to use earplugs?”—Vale Spike Milligan

The human brain is a wonderful thing. It starts working the moment you are born, and never stops until you stand up to speak in public.

All my life, I always wanted to be somebody. Now I see that I should have been more specific.

I arise in the morning torn between a desire to improve the world and a desire to enjoy the world. This makes it hard to plan the day.

I stayed up all night to see where the sun went. Then it dawned on me.

Solitude is fine, but you need someone to tell you that solitude is fine.

Applying computer technology is simply finding the right wrench to pound in the correct screw.

On the keyboard of life, always keep one finger on the escape key.

Remember the teakettle; though up to its neck in hot water, it continues to sing.

A conclusion is simply the place where you got tired of thinking.

I’m an idealist: I don’t know where I’m going, but I’m on my way.

“A girl phoned me the other day and said... Come on over, there’s nobody home. I went over. Nobody was home” — Rodney Dangerfield

If it’s true that we are here to help others, then what exactly are the others here for?

History will be kind to me for I intend to write it. – Winston Churchill

Birthdays are good for you. Statistics show that the people who have the most live the longest.

I tried to photograph the fog, but I mist.

“Your mouse has moved. Windows must be restarted for the change to take effect. Reboot now ? [OK]”

Man who run behind car get exhausted.

Optimists believe we live on the greatest world. Pessimists believe this is true.

You can’t have everything. Where would you put it?

Illiterate? Write For Help.

Good judgement comes from experience. Experience comes from bad judgement.

Men are from earth. Women are from earth. Deal with it.

Last night I lay in bed looking up at the stars in the sky and I thought to myself, “Where the heck is the ceiling?”

I used to find him boring until I stopped listening.

Roses are red, Violets are blue. In Soviet Russia, Poems write you.

The sooner you fall behind the more time you’ll have to catch up.

I always wanted to be somebody, but I should have been more specific.

Insanity is hereditary; you can get it from your children.

I love cats – they taste just like chicken.

You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say will be misquoted then used against you.

Stupidity is not a handicap! Park somewhere else!

Anything not nailed down is mine. Anything I can pry loose is not nailed down.

My parents stayed together for forty years, but that was out of spite.

Life... I don’t get it...

Quantum: Noun, word used to sound like I know what I’m talking about while discussing physics I’ve never actually studied.

What if there were no hypothetical questions?

There are three ways to get something done: do it yourself, hire someone, or forbid your kids to do it.

When he first ran for office, he appealed to the voters: “I never stole anything in my life. All I ask is a chance.”

My one regret in life is that I am not someone else.

Allow me to introduce my selves.

“Inconceivable!” “I do not think that word means what you think it means.”

Isn’t having a smoking section in a restaurant like having a peeing section in a swimming pool?

Plagiarism saves time.

I’ve been trying for some time to develop a life style that doesn’t require my presence.

If the human brain were so simple that we could understand it, we would be so simple we couldn’t.

Youth would be an ideal state if it came a little later in life.

In a Rome laundry: Ladies, leave your clothes here and spend the afternoon having a good time.

I’m an apathetic sociopath – I’d kill you if I cared.

It’s bad luck to be superstitious.

Brain: an apparatus with which we think we think.

Money is flat and meant to be piled up. – Scottish Proverb

Succeed in spite of management. Aim Low; Reach Your Goals, Avoid Disappointment.

So Many Pedestrians – So Little Time.

To B or not to B? *kills the B* I HATE BEES!!!! – LynxofCP

Without question, the greatest invention in the history of mankind is beer. Oh, I grant you that the wheel was also a fine invention, but the wheel does not go nearly as well with pizza.

Love is like an hourglass, with the heart filling up as the brain empties.

If sex is such a natural phenomenon, how come there are so many books on how to do it.

Jokes about German sausage are the wurst.

When you come to a fork in the road, take it.

Shin: a device for finding furniture in the dark.

The earthquake in Washington obviously was the government’s fault.

If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?

I intend to live forever – so far, so good.

Every time I look at you I get a fierce desire to be lonesome.

Experience is simply the name we give our mistakes.

In the beginning, there was nothing. Then God said, “Let there be light,” and there was still nothing, but you could see it.

I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.

Laugh at your problems; everybody else does.

Is there life before death?

Never underestimate the power of very stupid people in large groups.

The only difference between Genius and Insanity... is success.

What Has Four Legs And An Arm? A Happy Pit Bull.

“How can a president not be an actor?” – when asked “How could an actor become president?” – Ronald Reagan

If automobiles had followed the same development cycle as the computer, a Rolls Royce would today cost $100, get a million miles per gallon, and explode once a year, killing everyone inside.

A conscience does not prevent sin. It only prevents you from enjoying it.

Money is better than poverty, if only for financial reasons.

“I worked in a pet shop and people kept asking how big I’d get” — Rodney Dangerfield

In a Copenhagen airline ticket office: We take your bags and send them in all directions.

How do you spot an Irishman at a carwash? He’s the one on the bike.

Age is a question of mind over matter. If you don’t mind, it don’t matter.

I have great faith in fools; my friends call it self-confidence.

Time’s fun when you’re having flies... Kermit the Frog

Lots of people know a good thing the minute the other fellow sees it first.

Living is not worth dying for.

Tell me what you need, and I’ll tell you how to get along without it.

A drop of ink may make a million think.

As the light changed from red to green to yellow and back to red again, I sat there thinking about life. Was it nothing more than a bunch of honking and yelling? Sometimes it seemed that way.

If Bill Gates had a nickel for every time Windows crashed... oh wait, he does.

Cleverly Disguised As A Responsible Adult.

Doctor, Doctor I keep getting pains in the eye when I drink coffee. Have you tried taking the spoon out?

Cab drivers are living proof that practice does not make perfect.

In this world, nothing is certain but death and taxes. – Benjamin Franklin

It is a small world, but I wouldn’t like to have to paint it.

I think that’s how Chicago got started. A bunch of people in New York said, “Gee, I’m enjoying the crime and the poverty, but it just isn’t cold enough. Let’s go west.”—Richard Jeni

Tip the world over on its side and everything loose will land in Los Angeles.

The world is full of willing people; some willing to work, the rest willing to let them.

Anger is only one letter away from danger.

Politicians are people who, when they see the light at the end of the tunnel, go out and buy more tunnel.

If vegetable oil comes from vegetables, where does baby oil come from?

I’m sorry; you cannot have an outlook on life because it isn’t responding. Microsoft apologises for any inconvenience.

A great many people think they are thinking when they are merely rearranging their prejudices.

To define recursion, we must first define recursion.

What happens if you get scared half to death twice?

“You can always count on Americans to do the right thing—after they’ve tried everything else” – Winston Churchill

I’d like to see things your way, but I’m looking in another direction.

Doctor, Doctor You’ve got to help me – I just can’t stop my hands shaking. Do you drink a lot? Not really – I spill most of it!

At the age of six I wanted to be a cook. At seven I wanted to be Napoleon. And my ambition has been growing steadily ever since.

Don’t take life too seriously—you’ll never get out of it alive.

Never buy a car you can’t push.

Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy.

Be careful when reading health books; you may die of a misprint.

Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.

Be nice to your kids. They’ll choose your nursing home.

Democracy is a government where you can say what you think even if you don’t think.

“I’ve been on a calendar but I have never been on time” – Marilyn Monroe

Remember half the people you know are below average.

Streakers beware: Your end is in sight.

Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian any more than going to the garage makes you a car.

My life has a superb cast but I can’t figure out the plot.

Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?

Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way when you criticize them, you are a mile away from them and you have their shoes.

The dumber people think you are, the more surprised they’re going to be when you kill them—Rodney Dangerfield

Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

Santa’s helpers are subordinate clauses.

“Then he ran into my knife. He ran into my knife ten times.” – Chicago

Being in the army is like being in the Boy Scouts, except that the Boy Scouts have adult supervision.

How do I set a laser printer to stun?

I don’t meet competition. I crush it

Everybody lies, but it doesn’t matter since nobody listens.

“The object of war is not to die for your country but to make the other bastard die for his.” – General George Patton

If it’s 0 degrees today and it’s going to be twice as cold tomorrow... how cold will it be?

What do you call a dinosaur with an extensive vocabulary? A thesaurus.

It’s just a job. Grass grows, birds fly, waves pound the sand. I just beat people up. – Muhammad Ali

Climbers aim for the summit because it is there. Bungi jumpers dive off the top because they aren’t all there.

“This ‘telephone’ has too many shortcomings to be seriously considered as a means of communication.” — Western Union internal memo, 1876.

An egotist is a person of low taste—more interested in himself than in me.

Prediction is extremely difficult. Especially about the future.

“My computer NEVER loc

When you are arguing with an idiot, make sure the other person isn’t doing the same thing.

Hang in there; retirement is only thirty years away.

It’s not hard to meet expenses, they’re everywhere.

Half our life is spent trying to find something to do with the time we have rushed through life trying to save.

Half of the people in the world are below average.

“Reading computer manuals without the hardware is as frustrating as reading sex manuals without the software.” — Arthur C. Clarke.

I think, therefore I am single.

If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?

I don’t like people who take drugs... Customs Officers for example.

Under capitalism, man exploits man. Under Communism, it’s just the opposite.

A bachelor is a man who comes to work from a different direction each morning.

I started out with nothing, and I still have most of it.

“Hey, I’ve got reasons for what I’m doing,” REALLY MEANS, “I sure hope I think of some pretty soon.”

Eschew obfuscation.

“I’d rather have a bottle in front of me, than a frontal lobotomy”. — Tom Waits

If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?

Booze is the answer. I don’t remember the question.

Gossip: The art of saying nothing while leaving nothing unsaid.

“They say hard work never hurt anybody, but I figure why take the chance.” – Ronald Reagan

If it weren’t for the last minute, nothing would ever get done.

If at first you don’t succeed, skydiving is not your sport.

Hope sees the invisible, feels the intangible and achieves the impossible.

99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.

Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?

“How come we choose from just two people to run for president and 50 for Miss America?”

If you think nobody cares if you’re alive, try missing a couple of car payments.

Work expands to fill the time available. — PARKINSON’S LAW

How do you get an Irishman to burn his ear? Ring him up while he is ironing.

Everybody is somebody else’s weirdo.

Man who run in front of car get tired.

Don’t use a big word where a diminutive one will suffice.

Consciousness: that annoying time between naps.

Honest criticism is hard to take, particularly from a relative, a friend, an acquaintance, or a stranger.

When in doubt, mumble.

I used to be a banker, but then I lost interest.

Always remember you’re unique, just like everyone else.

Cluster bombing from B-52s is very, very accurate – the bombs always hit the ground.

If at first you don’t succeed, try management.

The truth is a precious commodity. That’s why I use it so sparingly.

What sane person could live in this world and not be crazy?

Heck is where people go who don’t believe in gosh.

I wished the buck stopped here, as I could use a few.

A printer consists of three main parts: the case, the jammed paper tray and the blinking red light

Well, this day was a total waste of makeup.

“Einstein argued that there must be simplified explanations of nature, because God is not capricious or arbitrary. No such faith comforts the software engineer.” — Fred Brooks.

I work hard because millions on welfare depend on me.

Bigamy is having one wife too many. Monogamy is the same. – Oscar Wilde

A study in the Washington Post says that women have better verbal skills than men. I just want to say to the authors of that study: “Duh.”— Conan O’Brien

“The web is a dominatrix. Every where I turn, I see little buttons ordering me to Submit.” — Nytwind.

If at first you do succeed, try to hide your astonishment.

In the office of a Roman doctor: Specialist in women and other diseases.

I always wanted to be a procrastinator, never got around to it though.

Knowledge is the key, but where is the damn lock?

Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.

Time flies like an arrow – fruit flies like a banana.

Wine divulges truth.

I used up all my sick days, so I’m calling in dead.

Anything not nailed down is a cat toy.

One martini is all right, two is too many, and three is not enough.

Abel Tasman on discovering Tasmania, “Too far south for spices and too close to the rim of the earth to be inhabited by anything but freaks and monsters”

Always try to be modest and be proud of it!

I want to die peacefully in my sleep like my grandfather, not screaming in abject horror like his passengers.

I have gone to look for myself, if I should return before I get back, keep me here.

“I am not worried about the deficit. It is big enough to take care of itself.” – Ronald Reagan

Early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.

The difference between a stepping-stone and a stumbling block can be when you see it.

People don’t grow up; they just learn how to act in public.

If olive oil comes from olives, where does baby oil come from?

Venison for dinner again? Oh deer!

Half of being smart is knowing what you are dumb at.

Don’t stop to stomp on ants when the elephants are stampeding.

An Irish man was driving to the airport when he saw a sign saying ‘Airport – Left’... So he went home.

Why is it that to stop Windows, you have to click on “Start”?

Accept that some days you’re the pigeon, and some days you’re the statue.

“People who drink light beer don’t like the taste of beer; they just like to pee a lot” — Rodney Dangerfield

All those who believe in psycho kinesis raise my hand.

“Oh dear,” said God, “I hadn’t thought of that,” and promptly vanished in a puff of logic.

Experience is something you do not get until just after you need it.

Connection Reset - Insufficient Electrons

I either want less corruption, or more chance to participate in it.

Every morning is the dawn of a new error.

Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?

Englishmen never will be slaves: they are free to do whatever the Government and public opinion allow them to do.

Why do we wash bath towels, aren’t we clean when we use them?

If a man opens a car door for a woman, either the car is new or the woman.

The surprising thing about young fools is how many survive to become old fools.

Hard work never killed anybody but why take the chance?

Chipped dishes never break.

“I have never let my schooling interfere with my education.”—Mark Twain

Not all men are annoying. Some are dead.

Years ago fairy tales began with “Once upon a time...” Now it’s “If I am elected...”

If at first you don’t succeed, try, try again. Then quit. There’s no use being a damned fool about it.

Man who eat many prunes get good run for money.

My reality check just bounced.

“The generation of random numbers is too important to be left to chance.” — Robert R. Coveyou, Oak Ridge National Laboratory.

I’m in no shape to exercise.

Restarting System - Mouse Moved

The most precious thing we have is life. Yet it has absolutely no trade-in value.

e=mc^2 where m = the number of cooks required to spoil the broth

I have the body of a GOD – Buddha.

“This report, by its very length, defends itself against the risk of being read”. — Winston Churchill

Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don’t.

“C++ : Where friends have access to your private members.” — Gavin Russell Baker.

Be kind to your dentist. He has fillings, too.

It is well to remember the entire population of the universe, with one trifling exception, is composed of others.

Smith & Wesson — the original point and click interface.

There are only three kinds of people; people who can count and people who can’t.

I plead contemporary insanity.

Marathon runners with bad footwear suffer the agony of defeat.

Whenever I feel like exercise, I lie down until the feeling passes.

What do you call a dinosaur with an extensive vocabulary? A thesaurus.

I don’t approve of political jokes... I’ve seen too many of them get elected.

The amount of work to be done increases in proportion to the amount of work already completed. — VAIL’S SECOND AXIOM

If a President doesn’t do it to his wife, he’ll do it to his country.

An egotist has one point in his favour – he doesn’t go round talking about other people.

“War does not determine who is right - only who is left.” – Bertrand Russell

He’s so lazy. I’ve seen him step into a revolving door and wait.

Military intelligence is a contradiction in terms.

Time is a great teacher, but unfortunately it kills all its pupils.

A backwards poet writes inverse.

Outside of a dog, a book is probably man’s best friend, and inside of a dog, it’s too dark to read.

On the other hand you have different fingers.

At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be “What is hell?” Come early and listen to our choir practice.

Anyone can admit they were wrong; the true test is admitting it to someone else.

In a Tokyo shop: Our nylons cost more than common, but you’ll find they are best in the long run.

Remember... Marriage is the number one cause of divorce. Statistically, 100% of all divorces started with marriage.

Everyone needs belief in something. I believe I’ll have another beer.

It is even harder for the average ape to believe that he has descended from man.

Marriage is a three-ring circus: engagement ring, wedding ring, and suffering.

Does your train of thought have a caboose?

Mines are equal opportunity weapons.

According to recent study someone is run over by a car every 5 minutes in the city. You’d think the guy would have enough sense to get out of the street.

I spilled spot remover on my dog. Now he’s gone.

Marriage changes passion... suddenly you’re in bed with a relative.

If you can’t beat your computer at chess, try kickboxing.

I don’t enjoy computer jokes; not one bit.

Democracy is a process by which people are free to choose the man who will get the blame.

We waste time, so you don’t have to.

Errors have been made. Others will be blamed.

Lead us not into temptation. Just tell us where it is; we’ll find it.

Why does Sea World have a seafood restaurant? I’m halfway through my fish burger and I realize, Oh my gosh... I could be eating a slow learner.

One should forgive one’s enemies, but not before they are hanged.

Never go to a doctor whose office plants have died.

“I wish everyone was peaceful. Then I could take over the planet with a butter knife”—Dogbert

This Would Be Really Funny If It Weren’t Happening To Me.

“I would like to live in Manchester, England. The transition between Manchester and death would be unnoticeable”. — Mark Twain

The second day of a diet is alway easier than the first. By the second day, you’re off it.

A dog that attends a flea circus most likely will steal the whole show.

If a woman has to choose between catching a fly ball and saving an infant’s life, she will choose to save the infant’s life without even considering if there is a man on base.—Dave Barry

In a Budapest zoo: Please do not feed the animals. If you have any suitable food, give it to the guard on duty.

If you do not make dust, you eat dust.

Mental Floss prevents Moral Decay.

A cartoonist was found dead in his home. Details are sketchy.

I love being married. It’s so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.

Two signs from a Majorcan shop entrance: English well speaking / Here speeching American.

If you’re born again, do you have two bellybuttons?

Programmer – A red-eyed, mumbling mammal capable of conversing with inanimate objects.

Age is a very high price to pay for maturity.

My mind not only wanders, sometimes it leaves completely.

Velcro — what a rip off!

A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat.

Better to remain silent and be thought a fool, than to speak and remove all doubt.

They say you only use ten percent of your brain. What about the other ten?

Originality is the fine art of remembering what you hear, but forgetting where you heard it.

Snowmen fall from Heaven unassembled.

I like kids, but I don’t think I could eat a whole one.

“Always in motion the future is. Seasick it makes me. That’s why so green I am”. – Yoda

“I think there is a world market for maybe five computers.” — Thomas Watson, chairman of IBM, 1943.

We’ve made great medical progress in the last generation. What used to be merely an itch is now an allergy.

It used to be only death and taxes were inevitable. Now, of course, there’s shipping and handling, too.

We are going on a field trip to the Coca-Cola factory. I hope there are no pop quizzes.

I’m desperately trying to figure out why kamikaze pilots wore helmets.

Age always corresponds inversely to the size of your multivitamin.

If you don’t know why I’m mad at you, then I’m certainly not going to tell you

I thought I wanted a career, turns out I just wanted paychecks.

If we learn by our mistakes, some of us are getting one hell of an education!

I like to start my periods with sentences.

Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.

Comedy is tragedy plus time.

Well, if I called the wrong number, why did you answer the phone?

People with narrow minds usually have broad tongues.

If I were someone who knew something, who could I tell that would believe me?

Make three correct guesses consecutively and you will establish yourself as an expert.

Submit a quote