Amusing Quotes & One-Liners — Ned Martin’s Amused

Amusing Quotes & One-Liners

Confidence is the feeling you have before you understand the situation

Connection Reset - Insufficient Electrons

Lord, if you won’t make me skinny, please make all my friends fat.

Accept that some days you’re the pigeon, and some days you’re the statue.

Democracy is the recurrent suspicion that more than half of the people are right more than half of the time.

I have spent my whole life looking for the perfect woman, and now I’ve found her. Too bad she’s looking for the perfect man.

“Are you going to come quietly, or do I have to use earplugs?”—Vale Spike Milligan

The early bird gets the worm, but the early worm gets eaten.

The more time you spend in reporting on what you are doing, the less time you have to do it in. Stability is achieved when you spend all your time doing nothing but reporting on the nothing you are doing.

I want to die peacefully in my sleep like my grandfather, not screaming in abject horror like his passengers.

Instead of getting married again, I’m going to find a woman I don’t like and just give her a house.—Rod Stewart

There are two types of people in this world, good and bad. The good sleep better, but the bad seem to enjoy the waking hours much more.

Don’t be irreplaceable; if you cannot be replaced, you cannot be promoted.

Well, if I called the wrong number, why did you answer the phone?

A day without sun shine is like, you know, night.

All the toilets in New York’s police stations have been stolen. The police have nothing to go on.

The best computer is a man, and it’s the only one that can be mass-produced by unskilled labour.

“C++ : Where friends have access to your private members.” — Gavin Russell Baker.

I don’t believe in astrology. I am a Sagittarius and we’re very skeptical. ~ Arthur C. Clarke

Doctor, Doctor I keep getting pains in the eye when I drink coffee. Have you tried taking the spoon out?

Optimists believe we live on the greatest world. Pessimists believe this is true.

When you come to a fork in the road, take it.

I laugh in the face of danger, except if I’m involved.

My parents stayed together for forty years, but that was out of spite.

One of the greatest labour-saving inventions today is tomorrow.

The things that come to those that wait may be the things left by those who got there first.

My girlfriend told me I should be more affectionate. So I got two more girlfriends.

Time flies like an arrow – fruit flies like a banana.

Time’s fun when you’re having flies... Kermit the Frog

“My wife made me join a bridge club. I jump off next Tuesday” — Rodney Dangerfield

I have kleptomania, but when it gets bad, I take something for it. ~ Robert Benchle

I have the body of a GOD – Buddha.

My one regret in life is that I am not someone else.

Remember, half the people you know are below average.

Remember... Marriage is the number one cause of divorce. Statistically, 100% of all divorces started with marriage.

Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.

I wonder how much deeper would the ocean be without sponges.

There’s a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot.

Somewhere on this globe, every ten seconds, is a woman giving birth to a child. She must be found and stopped.

Knowledge is the key, but where is the damn lock?

An egotist has one point in his favour – he doesn’t go round talking about other people.

Any task worth doing was worth doing yesterday.

On the keyboard of life, always keep one finger on the escape key.

If a woman has to choose between catching a fly ball and saving an infant’s life, she will choose to save the infant’s life without even considering if there is a man on base.—Dave Barry

Everybody has a photographic memory. Some don’t have film.

I’m out of my mind, but feel free to leave a message.

You’ll never get to heaven if you’re scared of getting high.

Why do we wash bath towels, aren’t we clean when we use them?

Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

A cartoonist was found dead in his home. Details are sketchy.

Impotence: Nature’s Way Of Saying “No Hard Feelings”.

I have a simple philosophy. Fill what’s empty. Empty what’s full. Scratch where it itches.

Blessed are those who can laugh at themselves, they will never cease to be amused.

Seen it all, done it all, can’t remember most of it.

I fear my inferiority complex is not as good as yours.

All those who believe in psycho kinesis raise my hand.

I haven’t spoken to my wife for 18 months: I don’t like to interrupt her.

Arguing on the Internet is like competing in the Special Olympics – even if you win, you are still retarded.

Never go to a doctor whose office plants have died.

I majored in liberal arts. Will that be for here or to go?

There are 3 kinds of people: those who can count and those who can’t.

“Managing senior programmers is like herding cats” — Dave Platt.

If a man opens a car door for a woman, either the car is new or the woman.

Don’t use a big word where a diminutive one will suffice.

Everybody lies, but it doesn’t matter since nobody listens.

I generally avoid temptation unless I can’t resist it.

Don’t stop to stomp on ants when the elephants are stampeding.

It is wiser to find out than to suppose.—Mark Twain

“#define QUESTION ((bb) || !(bb))” — Shakespeare

Brilliant, but with the social skills of a thermonuclear device.

I wondered why the baseball was getting bigger. Then it hit me.

Pardon my driving, I am reloading.

The difference between a stepping-stone and a stumbling block can be when you see it.

Without question, the greatest invention in the history of mankind is beer. Oh, I grant you that the wheel was also a fine invention, but the wheel does not go nearly as well with pizza.

How do you spot an Irishman at a carwash? He’s the one on the bike.

Save the whales. Collect the whole set.

There’s a fine line between genius and insanity. I have erased this line.

Whenever I feel like exercise, I lie down until the feeling passes.

Well if this is the wrong number, why did you answer it?

If con is the opposite of pro, congress is the opposite of progress.

Next time you wave, use all your fingers.

If you can’t beat your computer at chess, try kickboxing.

What sane person could live in this world and not be crazy?

If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?

Time is a great teacher, but unfortunately it kills all its pupils.

Macho Law prohibits me from admitting I’m wrong.

People don’t grow up; they just learn how to act in public.

Anger is only one letter away from danger.

Most vegetarians look so much like the food they eat that they can be classified as cannibals.

Sometimes I wake up grumpy; other times I let her sleep

Hope sees the invisible, feels the intangible and achieves the impossible.

Venison for dinner again? Oh deer!

In the office of a Roman doctor: Specialist in women and other diseases.

I like to start my periods with sentences.

By the time a man realises that his father was right, he has a son who thinks he’s wrong.

Even crime wouldn’t pay if the government ran it.

I know a guy who is addicted to brake fluid. He says he can stop anytime.

If you can’t dazzle them with brilliance... just baffle them with bullsh*t.

I work hard because millions on welfare depend on me.

I hope that after I die, people will say of me: “That guy sure owed me a lot of money.”

Advertisement for donkey rides in Thailand: Would you like to ride on your own ass?

Nobody can be exactly like me. Even I have trouble doing it.

Eat a live toad first thing in the morning, and nothing worse can happen to you the rest of the day.

They told me I had type A blood, but it was a Type O

If olive oil comes from olives, where does baby oil come from?

Why does Sea World have a seafood restaurant? I’m halfway through my fish burger and I realize, Oh my gosh... I could be eating a slow learner.

Every morning is the dawn of a new error.

If a President doesn’t do it to his wife, he’ll do it to his country.

Chipped dishes never break.

Proofread carefully to see if you any words out.

What does a clock do when it’s hungry? It goes back four seconds.

I couldn’t repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.

“Your mouse has moved. Windows must be restarted for the change to take effect. Reboot now ? [OK]”

Hard work never killed anybody but why take the chance?

Hemp is a herb. Bush is a dope.

Confidence is the feeling you have before you understand the situation.

Nick Overruled - Democratic Majority Decision

We must believe in free will, we have no choice.

I stayed up all night to see where the sun went. Then it dawned on me.

Stupidity is not a handicap! Park somewhere else!

Age is an issue of mind over matter. If you don’t mind, it doesn’t matter.

The beatings will continue until morale improves.

Technology is a way of organizing the universe so that man doesn’t have to experience it.

If I were someone who knew something, who could I tell that would believe me?

I don’t have an attitude problem. You have a perception problem.

Marriage is a three-ring circus: engagement ring, wedding ring, and suffering.

I have great faith in fools; my friends call it self-confidence.

It is not what a teenager knows that bothers his parents. It is how he found out.

In the beginning, God created earth and rested. Then God created man and rested. Then God created woman. Since then, neither God nor man has rested.

If money talks, it ain’t on speakin’ terms with me.

A hangover is the wrath of grapes.

When life hands you a lemon, make lemonade.

Caution – Driver Legally Blonde!

Not all men are annoying. Some are dead.

A synonym is a word you use when you can’t spell the word you first thought of.

Marathon runners with bad footwear suffer the agony of defeat.

“If women didn’t exist, all the money in the world would have no meaning.” – Aristotle Onassis

A baby sitter is a teenager acting like an adult while the adults are out acting like teenagers.

Foolproof systems don’t take into account the ingenuity of fools.

A guy got arrested for playing the guitar. He was fingering a minor.

As a final incentive before giving up a difficult task, try to imagine it successfully accomplished by someone you violently dislike.

The trouble with jogging is that, by the time you realise you’re not in shape for it, it’s far too far to walk back.

“I’ve been on a calendar but I have never been on time” – Marilyn Monroe

It’s hard to face the problem, when the problem is your face.

I get enough exercise just pushing my luck.

If you try and don’t succeed, cheat. Repeat until caught. Then lie.

People who think they know everything are annoying to those of us who do.

Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7th of your life.

I was at a bar nursing a beer. My nipple was getting quite soggy.

Conscience is the inner voice warning us that someone may be looking.

Men are from earth. Women are from earth. Deal with it.

It is a fitting irony that under Richard Nixon, ‘launder’ became a dirty word.

Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.

Illiterate? Write For Help.

Why is it that doctors call what they do “practice”?

If all you have is a hammer, everything looks like a nail.

Broken pencils are pointless.

I intend to live forever – so far, so good.

Promises are like babies: fun to make, but hell to deliver.

The trouble with the rat race is that even if you win, you’re still a rat.

A penny saved is a Congressional spending oversight.

Cluster bombing from B-52s is very, very accurate – the bombs always hit the ground.

Why were the Indians here first? They had reservations.

I always wanted to be a procrastinator, never got around to it though.

A printer consists of three main parts: the case, the jammed paper tray and the blinking red light

IRS: We’ve got what it takes to take what you’ve got.

“If builders built buildings the way programmers write programs, then the first woodpecker that came along would destroy civilization” — Weinberg’s Second Law.

If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?

Sheep don’t fly so much as plummet.

Borrow money from pessimists- they don’t expect to get it back.

I used to think I was indecisive, but now I’m not sure.

When you get a bladder infection, urine trouble.

I changed my iPod’s name to Titanic. It’s syncing now.

Everybody is somebody else’s weirdo.

Englishmen never will be slaves: they are free to do whatever the Government and public opinion allow them to do.

I’m sorry; you cannot have an outlook on life because it isn’t responding. Microsoft apologises for any inconvenience.

Man does not live by words alone, despite the fact that sometimes he has to eat them.

“You, you and you: panic. The rest of you, come with me.”

All my life, I always wanted to be somebody. Now I see that I should have been more specific.

You can’t have everything. Where would you put it?

If at first you don’t succeed, try, try again. Then quit. There’s no use being a damned fool about it.

If the world should blow itself up, the last audible voice would be that of an expert saying it can’t be done.

“Always in motion the future is. Seasick it makes me. That’s why so green I am”. – Yoda

A clean tie attracts the soup of the day.

I love work; it fascinates me; I can sit and watch it for hours.

He who smiles in a crisis has found someone to blame.

Lots of people know a good thing the minute the other fellow sees it first.

Red Tape Holds Up New Bridge!

Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?

Outside of a dog, a book is probably man’s best friend, and inside of a dog, it’s too dark to read.

The most precious thing we have is life. Yet it has absolutely no trade-in value.

“Every mighty oak was once just a nut who stood his ground.”

Why don’t you ever see the headline “Psychic Wins Lottery”?

I installed a skylight in my apartment. The people who live above me are furious.

No problem is so big and complicated that it can’t be ran away from.

Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying of nothing.

When Chemists die, they barium.

It doesn’t matter what temperature the room is; it’s always room temperature.

History will be kind to me for I intend to write it. – Winston Churchill

99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.

Be thankful for problems. If they were less difficult, someone with less ability might have your job.

Make three correct guesses consecutively and you will establish yourself as an expert.

In a Norwegian cocktail lounge: Ladies are requested not to have children in the bar.

In elementary school, in case of fire, you have to line up quietly in a single file line from smallest to tallest. What is the logic? Do tall people burn slower?

Partying... oops No Only Parting... sorry

Where you stand depends on where you sit.

System Error - Windows Loaded

Chaos, panic, & disorder – my work here is done.

I used to think I was indecisive, but now I’m not sure.

Just remember... if the world didn’t suck, we’d all fall off.

I tried sniffing Coke once, but the ice cubes got stuck in my nose.

If you can’t be kind, at least have the decency to be vague.

“Things are more like they are now than they ever were before.” – Former U.S. President Dwight D. Eisenhower

“As a matter of fact” is an expression that precedes many an expression that isn’t.

I started out with nothing, and I still have most of it.

The truth is a precious commodity. That’s why I use it so sparingly.

Heck is where people go who don’t believe in gosh.

Snowmen fall from Heaven unassembled.

For Sale: Parachute. Only used once, never opened, small stain.

“I wish everyone was peaceful. Then I could take over the planet with a butter knife”—Dogbert

A team effort is a lot of people doing what I say

On the other hand you have different fingers.

I am free of all prejudices. I hate everyone equally.

“I worked in a pet shop and people kept asking how big I’d get” — Rodney Dangerfield

We’ve made great medical progress in the last generation. What used to be merely an itch is now an allergy.

The shortest distance between two points is under construction.

How can you come out of a closet if you never went in there in the first place?

I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol.

I am amazed at radio DJ’s today. I am firmly convinced that AM on my radio stands for Absolute Moron. I will not begin to tell you what FM stands for.

“There are two major products that come out of Berkeley: LSD and UNIX. We don’t believe this to be a coincidence.” — Jeremy S. Anderson

Marriage changes passion... suddenly you’re in bed with a relative.

They say if you play a Microsoft CD backwards you hear satanic messages. That’s nothing, if you play it forwards it installs Windows.

When in trouble, fear or doubt, run in circles, scream and shout.

There are very few personal problems that cannot be solved through a suitable application of high explosives.

“I’d rather have a bottle in front of me, than a frontal lobotomy”. — Tom Waits

In a Rome laundry: Ladies, leave your clothes here and spend the afternoon having a good time.

I envy people who drink – at least they know what to blame everything on.

I’m not into working out. My philosophy: No pain, no pain.

TEAMWORK... means never having to take all the blame yourself.

Jack and Jill did it for the insurance.

I majored in liberal arts. Will that be for here or to go?

Someone sent me a postcard picture of the earth. On the back it said, “Wish you were here.”

The light at the end of the tunnel has been turned off due to budget cuts.

I am a nobody, nobody is perfect, therefore I’m perfect.

That which cannot be taken apart will fall apart.

Connection Reset By Aboriginal With Wire Cutters

“A girl phoned me the other day and said... Come on over, there’s nobody home. I went over. Nobody was home” — Rodney Dangerfield

One good thing about repeating your mistakes is that you know when to cringe.

The surprising thing about young fools is how many survive to become old fools.

Quantum mechanics: The dreams stuff is made of.

I can resist everything except temptation.

Two signs from a Majorcan shop entrance: English well speaking / Here speeching American.

How did Moses make his tea? Hebrews it.

Half of the people in the world are below average.

The most powerful force in the universe is gossip.

I hate women because they always know where things are.

Laugh and the world laughs with you; snore and you sleep alone.

I don’t suffer from stress. I’m a carrier.

If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?

In this world, nothing is certain but death and taxes. – Benjamin Franklin

Prediction is extremely difficult. Especially about the future.

Anything that can become tangled around something else, will.

You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They left a little note on the windscreen, it said ‘Parking Fine.’

I’m not dumb; I just have a command of thoroughly useless information.

He does the work of three men: Larry, Moe and Curly.

The sooner you fall behind the more time you’ll have to catch up.

An Apple a day keeps the doctor away. But... an onion a day keeps everyone away.

Solitude is fine, but you need someone to tell you that solitude is fine.

There are only three kinds of people; people who can count and people who can’t.

If at first you don’t succeed, destroy all the evidence that you tried.

If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?

Jokes about German sausage are the wurst.

It’s not that I’m afraid to die; I just don’t want to be there when it happens.

I took a speed reading course and read ‘War and Peace’ in twenty minutes. It involves Russia. Enough women for four.

So Many Pedestrians – So Little Time.

We waste time, so you don’t have to.

The only difference between Genius and Insanity... is success.

I stayed up all night to see where the sun went. Then it dawned on me.

Good judgement comes from experience. Experience comes from bad judgement.

Men’s faults are many, women have only two. Everything they say, and everything they do.

“Banking establishments are more dangerous than standing armies”. — Thomas Jefferson

If vegetable oil comes from vegetables, where does baby oil come from?

You have the right to your opinions. I just don’t want to hear them.

Murphy’s Golden Rule: Whoever has the gold makes the rules.

“I’ve noticed that everyone who is for abortion has already been born.” – Ronald Reagan

Politicians are people who, when they see the light at the end of the tunnel, go out and buy more tunnel.

As the light changed from red to green to yellow and back to red again, I sat there thinking about life. Was it nothing more than a bunch of honking and yelling? Sometimes it seemed that way.

I was the next door kid’s imaginary friend.

Support bacteria – they’re the only culture some people have.

“Everyday I beat my own previous record for number of consecutive days I’ve stayed alive.”

How do you know if a fish is Irish? It has drowned.

Keyboard not detected. Press F1 to continue

I don’t like people who take drugs... Customs Officers for example.

When I was a boy I was told that anybody could become president; I’m beginning to believe it.

Time is God’s way of keeping everything from happening at once.

If at first you don’t succeed, skydiving is not your sport.

I’m quite easy to get along with, once you learn to beckon at my every call and yield to all my desires.

I’m in no shape to exercise.

“Then he ran into my knife. He ran into my knife ten times.” – Chicago

Smith & Wesson — the original point and click interface.

God must love stupid people, he made so many.

My husband and I divorced over religious differences... He thought he was God and I didn’t.

Man who run behind car get exhausted.

He who trains his tongue to quote the learned sages, will be known far and wide as a smart ass.

The dumber people think you are, the more surprised they’re going to be when you kill them—Rodney Dangerfield

This guy walks into a bar and the barman says “Ouch, that must have hurt”

Go the extra mile. It makes your boss look like an incompetent slacker.

If you want a committed man, look in a mental hospital.

I used to be a banker, but then I lost interest.

It’s strange, isn’t it. You stand in the middle of a library and go aaaaagghhhh’ and everyone just stares at you. But you do the same thing on an aeroplane, and everyone joins in.

Being a philosopher, I have a problem for every solution.

Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.

If you’re not wasted, the day is.

What’s another word for Thesaurus?

Always do sober what you said you’d do drunk. That will teach you to keep your mouth shut.

The day I can’t do my job drunk is the day I turn in my badge and gun.

Some people are alive only because it’s illegal to kill them.

I don’t want to achieve immortality through my work. I want to achieve immortality through not dying.

I don’t meet competition. I crush it

When he first ran for office, he appealed to the voters: “I never stole anything in my life. All I ask is a chance.”

It is well to remember the entire population of the universe, with one trifling exception, is composed of others.

We are going on a field trip to the Coca-Cola factory. I hope there are no pop quizzes.

Latest survey shows that 3 out of 4 people make up 75% of the world’s population.

The earthquake in Washington obviously was the government’s fault.

Madness takes its toll. Please have exact change.

Never argue with an idiot. They drag you down to their level then beat you with experience.

The only perfect science is hindsight.

I am obviously right, and as you disagree with me, then logically you must be wrong.

Remember half the people you know are below average.

Despite the cost of living it’s still very popular.

I thought I wanted a career, turns out I just wanted paychecks.

Half of being smart is knowing what you are dumb at.

The number of people watching you is directly proportional to the stupidity of your action.

If you’re not confused, you’re not paying attention.

“This report, by its very length, defends itself against the risk of being read”. — Winston Churchill

It has recently been discovered that research causes cancer in rats.

I love deadlines. I especially like the whooshing sound they make as they go flying by.

Even paranoids have real enemies.

The man who fell into an upholstery machine is fully recovered.

I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.

Leftists are among the first to speak of their rights.

Mental Floss prevents Moral Decay.

He often broke into song because he couldn’t find the key.

Programmer – A red-eyed, mumbling mammal capable of conversing with inanimate objects.

If you choke a smurf, what colour does it turn?

If we aren’t supposed to eat animals, why are they made of meat?

A person who smiles in the face of adversity... probably has a scapegoat.

“The web is a dominatrix. Every where I turn, I see little buttons ordering me to Submit.” — Nytwind.

In a Copenhagen airline ticket office: We take your bags and send them in all directions.

Don’t Be Sexist – Broads Hate That.

If you don’t know where you are going, you will wind up somewhere else.

Laughing stock: cattle with a sense of humour.

A diplomatic husband said to his wife, how do you expect me to remember your birthday when you never look any older?

Never buy a car you can’t push.

Birthdays are good for you. Statistics show that the people who have the most live the longest.

Isn’t having a smoking section in a restaurant like having a peeing section in a swimming pool?

Brain: an apparatus with which we think we think.

If it’s 0 degrees today and it’s going to be twice as cold tomorrow... how cold will it be?

Seeing a murder on television...will help work off one’s antagonisms. And if you haven’t any antagonisms, the commercials will give you some.

Success always occurs in private, and failure in full public view.

I used up all my sick days, so I’m calling in dead.

How Many Roads Must A Man Travel Down Before He Admits He Is Lost?

Some people are alive only because it’s illegal to kill them.

A study in the Washington Post says that women have better verbal skills than men. I just want to say to the authors of that study: “Duh.”— Conan O’Brien

My reality check just bounced.

I take everything I can for my kleptomania.

Money is flat and meant to be piled up. – Scottish Proverb

Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?

You’re such an inspiration for the way I’ll never choose to be.

Living is not worth dying for.

If you don’t learn to laugh at troubles, you won’t have anything to laugh at when you grow old.

For people who like peace and quiet – a phoneless cord.

Anyone can admit they were wrong; the true test is admitting it to someone else.

I can please only one person per day. Today is not your day. Tomorrow isn’t looking good either.

What Has Four Legs And An Arm? A Happy Pit Bull.

Get even – live long enough to be a problem to your kids.

Progress was all right. Only it went on too long.

This comment is printed on 100% recycled electrons.

I had some words with my wife, and she had some paragraphs with me.

Errors have been made. Others will be blamed.

Man shoots neighbour with machete [The Miami Herald, July 3]

I wished the buck stopped here, as I could use a few.

If you don’t pay your exorcist you get repossessed.

Two strings walk into a bar. The first string says to the bartender, “Bartender, I’ll have a beer. u.5n$x5t?*&4ru!2[sACCErJ”. The second string says, “Pardon my friend, he isn’t NULL terminated”.

The trouble with our times is that the future is not what it used to be.

Sheep don’t fly so much as plummet.

I like children. Properly cooked.

When a clock is hungry, it goes back four seconds.

“Blink your eyelids periodically to lubricate your eyes.” — Page 16 of the HP “Environmental, Health Safety Handbook for Employees”.

“Einstein argued that there must be simplified explanations of nature, because God is not capricious or arbitrary. No such faith comforts the software engineer.” — Fred Brooks.

Early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.

Acupuncture is a jab well done.

Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

Love is like an hourglass, with the heart filling up as the brain empties.

Best way to get a man to do something, is to suggest they are too old for it.

Everything you like is bad for you in some way.

The secret of success is sincerity. Once you can fake that you’ve got it made.

It’s bad luck to be superstitious.

I spent most of my money on booze, drugs and women... The rest I wasted!

When I was young, I could remember anything. Whether it happened or not.

“You can always count on Americans to do the right thing—after they’ve tried everything else” – Winston Churchill

Everyone hates me because I’m paranoid.

Santa’s helpers are subordinate clauses.

I don’t have a solution but I admire the problem.

I don’t enjoy computer jokes; not one bit.

I have noticed that the people who are late are often so much jollier that the people who have to wait for them.

The sooner you fall behind the more time you’ll have to catch up.

I’m desperately trying to figure out why kamikaze pilots wore helmets.

You’re not drunk if you can lie on the floor without holding on.

Get a new car for your spouse – it’ll be a great trade!

Roses are red, Violets are blue. In Soviet Russia, Poems write you.

Does your train of thought have a caboose?

“Hey, I’ve got reasons for what I’m doing,” REALLY MEANS, “I sure hope I think of some pretty soon.”

A dog that attends a flea circus most likely will steal the whole show.

Nothing means nothing, but it isn’t really nothing because nothing is something that isn’t.

Five out of four people have trouble with fractions.

“How can a president not be an actor?” – when asked “How could an actor become president?” – Ronald Reagan

If you can’t convince them, confuse them.

“How come we choose from just two people to run for president and 50 for Miss America?”

I think that’s how Chicago got started. A bunch of people in New York said, “Gee, I’m enjoying the crime and the poverty, but it just isn’t cold enough. Let’s go west.”—Richard Jeni

The human brain is a wonderful thing. It starts working the moment you are born, and never stops until you stand up to speak in public.

When you do not know what you are doing, do it neatly.

If you’re born again, do you have two bellybuttons?

Some people say that I must be a horrible person, but that’s not true. I have the heart of a young boy – in a jar on my desk.

At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be “What is hell?” Come early and listen to our choir practice.

It’s not hard to meet expenses, they’re everywhere.

Of course, we are all worms—but I like to think, at least, that I am a glow-worm. – Winston Churchill

After all is said and done, more is said than done.

You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.

Life is complex: it has real and imaginary parts.

Who is General Failure and why is he reading my hard disk?

A conscience does not prevent sin. It only prevents you from enjoying it.

My life has a superb cast but I can’t figure out the plot.

When angry count four, when very angry, swear.

The second day of a diet is alway easier than the first. By the second day, you’re off it.

Democracy is a process by which people are free to choose the man who will get the blame.

In the beginning, there was nothing. Then God said, “Let there be light,” and there was still nothing, but you could see it.

If you think nobody cares if you’re alive, try missing a couple of car payments.

Anything’s possible... apart from skiing through a revolving door.

All men are equal. Some are just more equal than others.

We spend the first twelve months of our children’s lives teaching them to walk and talk and the next twelve telling them to sit down and shut up.

A drop of ink may make a million think.

People can be divided into three groups: Those who make things happen, those who watch things happen, and those who wonder what happened.

Cab drivers are living proof that practice does not make perfect.

What if there were no hypothetical questions?

From the moment I picked your book up until I laid it down I was convulsed with laughter. Some day I intend reading it.

Tell me what you need, and I’ll tell you how to get along without it.

Women like silent men. They think they’re listening.

e=mc^2 where m = the number of cooks required to spoil the broth

Outside a Hong Kong tailor shop: Ladies may have a fit upstairs.

“I am not worried about the deficit. It is big enough to take care of itself.” – Ronald Reagan

I’m not afraid of heights, only widths.

Bacteria: the only culture some people have.

Mind like a steel trap – rusty and illegal in most states.

Men don’t care what’s on TV. They only care what else is on TV.

“This ‘telephone’ has too many shortcomings to be seriously considered as a means of communication.” — Western Union internal memo, 1876.

“Heavier-than-air flying machines are impossible.” — Lord Kelvin, president, Royal Society, 1895.

The art of flying is to throw yourself at the ground and miss.

Money can’t buy happiness, but it sure makes misery easier to live with.

Cheer up, the worst is yet to come.

When in doubt, mumble.

If you can stay calm, while all around you is chaos... then you probably haven’t completely understood the situation.

Constipated People Don’t Give A Crap.

I married my wife for her looks... but not the ones she’s been giving me lately!

If people concentrated on the really important things in life, there’d be a shortage of fishing poles.

Military intelligence is a contradiction in terms.

There are three ways to get something done: do it yourself, hire someone, or forbid your kids to do it.

We have two ends. One for sitting and one for thinking. Our success depends on which one we use most.

It’s important to be open-minded, but not SO open-minded that your brains fall out.

If life was fair, Elvis would be alive and all the impersonators would be dead.

Friends may come and go, but enemies accumulate

I tried to photograph the fog, but I mist.

Streakers beware: Your end is in sight.

If puns were outlawed, only outlaws would have puns.

I don’t approve of political jokes... I’ve seen too many of them get elected.

If the human brain were so simple that we could understand it, we would be so simple we couldn’t.

If sex is such a natural phenomenon, how come there are so many books on how to do it.

Everything is possible; just not too probable.

Is Disney World the only people trap operated by a mouse?

When your IQ reaches 80 –– sell.

Money is better than poverty, if only for financial reasons.

Tips for Vegetarians: Hit a chicken enough times and it turns into a vegetable.

I like kids, but I don’t think I could eat a whole one.

Before marriage, a man yearns for the woman he loves. After marriage, the ‘Y’ becomes silent.

When I’m not in my right mind, my left mind gets pretty crowded

England has no kidney bank, but it does have a Liverpool.

AIBOHPHOBIA – the fear of palindromes.

Once, during prohibition, I was forced to live for days on nothing but food and water.

Half our life is spent trying to find something to do with the time we have rushed through life trying to save.

A soldier who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran.

I got a job at a bakery because I kneaded dough.

According to recent study someone is run over by a car every 5 minutes in the city. You’d think the guy would have enough sense to get out of the street.

Life... I don’t get it...

Being in the army is like being in the Boy Scouts, except that the Boy Scouts have adult supervision.

This mind intentionally left blank

Just because you’re not paranoid doesn’t mean they’re not out to get you.

He’s so lazy. I’ve seen him step into a revolving door and wait.

I’ve been trying for some time to develop a life style that doesn’t require my presence.

No sense being pessimistic, it probably wouldn’t work anyway.

People with narrow minds usually have broad tongues.

On a tombstone: I TOLD YOU I WAS SICK

“Reading computer manuals without the hardware is as frustrating as reading sex manuals without the software.” — Arthur C. Clarke.

Is there life before death?

One martini is all right, two is too many, and three is not enough.

Never underestimate the power of very stupid people in large groups.

I live in my own little world, but it’s ok they know me here.

Any ship can be a minesweeper... once.

Comedy is tragedy plus time.

Hang in there; retirement is only thirty years away.

“The generation of random numbers is too important to be left to chance.” — Robert R. Coveyou, Oak Ridge National Laboratory.

Oh, don’t fuss. I just cut myself. It’s no big deal,” REALLY MEANS, “I have actually severed a limb, but will bleed to death before I admit I’m hurt.”

“I believe in equality for everyone, except reporters and photographers”. — Gandhi

Men occasionally stumble over the truth, but most of them pick themselves up and hurry off as if nothing had happened. – Winston Churchill

Laugh at your problems; everybody else does.

Computers make it easy to do a lot of things, but most of the things that make it easier to do don’t need to be done.

Make sure your mind isn’t so open that your brains fall out.

Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy.

“Reader, suppose you were an idiot. And suppose you were a member of Congress. But I repeat myself”. — Mark Twain

It used to be only death and taxes were inevitable. Now, of course, there’s shipping and handling, too.

There are two kinds of people, those who finish what they start, and so on.

The fellow who thinks he knows it all is especially annoying to those of us who do.

Bachelors have consciences, married men have wives.

Always remember you’re unique, just like everyone else.

“Few things are harder to put up with than a good example.”—Mark Twain

Slow is when someone laps you in the hundred-yard dash

The amount of work to be done increases in proportion to the amount of work already completed. — VAIL’S SECOND AXIOM

To define recursion, we must first define recursion.

Ninety-nine per cent of the people in the world are fools and the rest of us are in great danger of contagion.

If I were two-faced, would I be wearing this one?

A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a train stops. On my desk I have a workstation...

I didn’t like my beard at first. Then it grew on me.

Legend: a lie that has attained the dignity of age.

The trouble with life is there’s no background music.

Killed - Personality Incompatibility

A poor excuse is like an old bucket; doesn’t matter what shape it is in, as long as it holds water.

My husband says I never listen to him (at least I think that’s what he said)

Modesty is a virtue of fools.

Democracy is a government where you can say what you think even if you don’t think.

Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?

He’s not dead, he’s electroencephalographically challenged.

I used to find him boring until I stopped listening.

Genius is 1% inspiration, and 99% perspiration.

If the French were really intelligent, they’d speak English.

In a Budapest zoo: Please do not feed the animals. If you have any suitable food, give it to the guard on duty.

A great many people think they are thinking when they are merely rearranging their prejudices.

The scientific theory I like best is that the rings of Saturn are composed entirely of lost airline luggage.

Shin: a device for finding furniture in the dark.

To B or not to B? *kills the B* I HATE BEES!!!! – LynxofCP

Whenever people agree with me, I always feel I must be wrong.

“They say hard work never hurt anybody, but I figure why take the chance.” – Ronald Reagan

I don’t suffer from stress. I’m a carrier.

Abel Tasman on discovering Tasmania, “Too far south for spices and too close to the rim of the earth to be inhabited by anything but freaks and monsters”

111,111,111 x 111,111,111 = 12,345,678,987,654,321

Only a fool is astonished by the foolishness of humankind.

Man who drive like hell bound to get there.

A bachelor is a man who comes to work from a different direction each morning.

Man who eat many prunes get good run for money.

A backwards poet writes inverse.

“There is no reason anyone would want a computer in their home.” — Ken Olson, founder of Digital Equipment Corp., 1977.

Be nice to your kids. They’ll choose your nursing home.

It is a small world, but I wouldn’t like to have to paint it.

I’ve always wanted to be normal, but lately I’ve come to suspect that this is it.

One should forgive one’s enemies, but not before they are hanged.

Eagles may soar, but weasels don’t get sucked into jet engines.

What happens if you get scared half to death twice?

The illegal we do immediately. The unconstitutional takes a little longer. – Henry Kissinger

Am I getting smart with you? How would you know?

“On two occasions I have been asked [by members of Parliament!]: ‘Pray, Mr. Babbage, if you put into the machine wrong figures, will the right answers come out ?’ I am not able rightly to apprehend the kind of confusion of ideas that could provoke such a question.” — Charles Babbage.

If everything is coming your way, you are probably in the wrong lane.

I heard a man say that brigands demand your money or your life, whereas women require both.

I took an IQ test and the results were negative.

Honk if you love peace and quiet.

Statistics are like bikinis – What they reveal is suggestive, but what they conceal is vital.

Anyone who told you to be yourself couldn’t have given you worse advice.

Experience is something you do not get until just after you need it.

Before you give a colleague a piece of your mind, be sure you can spare it.

Everybody is ignorant, only on different subjects.

It’s just a job. Grass grows, birds fly, waves pound the sand. I just beat people up. – Muhammad Ali

Last night I lay in bed looking up at the stars in the sky and I thought to myself, “Where the heck is the ceiling?”

As long as there are tests, there will be prayer in public schools.

Stupidity is not a handicap. Park elsewhere!

Take my advice, I don’t use it anyway.

To find out a girl’s faults, praise her to her girl friends.

Does this smell like chloroform to you?

Someday we’ll look back on all this and plow into the back of a parked car.

A procrastinator’s work is never done.

Bigamy is having one wife too many. Monogamy is the same. – Oscar Wilde

They say you only use ten percent of your brain. What about the other ten?

In a Tokyo shop: Our nylons cost more than common, but you’ll find they are best in the long run.

Artificial Intelligence is no match for Natural Stupidity.

Gossip: The art of saying nothing while leaving nothing unsaid.

A dyslexic man walks into a bra.

Lead us not into temptation. Just tell us where it is; we’ll find it.

Don’t look back. Something may be gaining on you.

Why is it called tourist season if we can’t shoot at them?

Every time I look at you I get a fierce desire to be lonesome.

Character is what you are in the dark.

If ever I get married again it would have to be under an anaesthetic.

I often quote myself; it adds spice to my conversation.

My favorite mythical creature? The honest politician.

To succeed in politics, it is often necessary to rise above your principles.

Men have a much better time of it than women; for one thing, they marry later; for another thing they die earlier.

Insanity is hereditary; you can get it from your children.

“Thinking is the hardest work there is, which is probably why so few engage in it”. — Henry Ford

I spilled spot remover on my dog. Now he’s gone.

“Life is a waste of time, time is a waste of life, so get wasted all of the time and have the time of your life”. — Tom Waits

If trees could scream, would we be so cavalier about cutting them down? We might, if they screamed all the time, for no good reason.

Years ago fairy tales began with “Once upon a time...” Now it’s “If I am elected...”

If quizzes are quizzical, what are tests?

Restarting System - Mouse Moved

There are 10 types of people in the world: Those who understand binary, and those who don’t.

Never put both feet in your mouth at the same time, because then you don’t have a leg to stand on.

I love being married. It’s so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.

I did a theatrical performance about puns. It was a play on words.

It is hard to understand how a cemetery raised its burial charges and blamed it on the cost of living.

Youth would be an ideal state if it came a little later in life.

I’m reading a book about anti-gravity. I can’t put it down.

I thought I made a mistake once, but I was wrong.

My mind works like lightning. One brilliant flash and it is gone.

Sometimes I think the surest sign that intelligent life exists elsewhere in the universe is that none of it has tried to contact us.

Vote for the man who promises least; he’ll be the least disappointing.

It’s not true that married men live longer than single men. It only seems longer.

Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way when you criticize them, you are a mile away from them and you have their shoes.

Originality is the fine art of remembering what you hear, but forgetting where you heard it.

“I could tell that my parents hated me. My bath toys were a toaster and a radio” — Rodney Dangerfield

At the age of six I wanted to be a cook. At seven I wanted to be Napoleon. And my ambition has been growing steadily ever since.

“I think there is a world market for maybe five computers.” — Thomas Watson, chairman of IBM, 1943.

A committee is a body that keeps minutes and wastes hours.

Show me a piano falling down a mineshaft and I’ll show you A-flat minor.

Ever stop to think and forget to start again?

I used to be apathetic, but now I don’t give a damn.

There is nothing so annoying as to have two people go right on talking when you’re interrupting.

“There are only two things that are infinite: the universe and human stupidity. And I’m not sure about the universe.” A. Einstein

Climbers aim for the summit because it is there. Bungi jumpers dive off the top because they aren’t all there.

If At First You Don’t Succeed... Blame Someone Else And Seek Counseling.

This Would Be Really Funny If It Weren’t Happening To Me.

Bachelors know more about women than married men; if they didn’t they’d be married too.

In democracy it’s your vote that counts. In feudalism it’s your count that votes.

The doctor can bury his mistakes but an architect can only advise his client to plant vines.

Cleverly Disguised As A Responsible Adult.

Blessed are the young, for they shall inherit the national debt.

Quantum: Noun, word used to sound like I know what I’m talking about while discussing physics I’ve never actually studied.

“If carrots are so good for the eyes, how come I see so many dead rabbits on the highway?”

How do you sink an Irish Submarine? Knock on the hatch.

Don’t use a big word where a diminutive one will suffice.

You have to stay in shape. My grandmother, she started walking five miles a day when she was 60. She’s 97 today and we don’t know where the hell she is.

Eschew obfuscation.

If I have to work for an idiot, I might as well work for myself.


One good turn gets most of the blankets.

Don’t marry for money. You can borrow it cheaper.

The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.

If I’d known I was going to live this long, I’d have taken better care of myself.

Horn broken. Watch for finger. (on bumper sticker)

“Auntie Em: hate you, hate Kansas, taking the dog.” – Dorothy

Having more money doesn’t make you happier. I have 50 million dollars but I’m just as happy as when I had 48 million. ~ Arnold Schwarzenegger.

It’s easy to quit smoking... I’ve done it over 10,000 times.

Needing someone is like needing a parachute. If he isn’t there the first time you need him, chances are you won’t be needing him again.

Everybody is ignorant, only on different subjects.

I’d explain it to you, but your brain would explode.

“Oh dear,” said God, “I hadn’t thought of that,” and promptly vanished in a puff of logic.

Help Wanted: Telepath. You know where to apply.

Remember the teakettle; though up to its neck in hot water, it continues to sing.

Time sneaks up on you like a windshield on a bug.

It is not my interest to pay the principal, nor my principal to pay the interest.

I always wanted to be somebody, but I should have been more specific.

Doctor, Doctor You’ve got to help me – I just can’t stop my hands shaking. Do you drink a lot? Not really – I spill most of it!

Sex on television can’t hurt you unless you fall off.

Perhaps you’re diagonally parked in a parallel universe?

How do I set a laser printer to stun?

If it’s true that we are here to help others, then what exactly are the others here for?

Well, this day was a total waste of makeup.

Humour. It is a difficult concept. It is not logical.

Everyone needs belief in something. I believe I’ll have another beer.

Be careful when reading health books; you may die of a misprint.

Some people are going to leave a mark on this world, while others will leave a stain.

There is no such thing as an underestimate of average intelligence

“He has been given a large brain by mistake, since for him the spinal cord would fully suffice.” — Albert Einstein

Tip the world over on its side and everything loose will land in Los Angeles.

If you can’t convince them, confuse them.

You look like a million dollars. All green and wrinkled.

Cole’s Law: Thinly sliced cabbage.

Honest criticism is hard to take, particularly from a relative, a friend, an acquaintance, or a stranger.

Work expands to fill the time available. — PARKINSON’S LAW

When all other means of communication fail, try words.

I either want less corruption, or more chance to participate in it.

A conclusion is simply the place where you got tired of thinking.

“I have left orders to be awakened at any time in case of national emergency – even if I’m in a Cabinet meeting.” – Ronald Reagan

I Refuse To Have A Battle Of Wits With An Unarmed Person.

I don’t necessarily agree with everything I say.

You can say any foolish thing to a dog, and the dog will give you a look that says, “My God, you’re right! I never would’ve thought of that!”

Whenever there is any doubt, there is no doubt.

Be kind to your dentist. He has fillings, too.

Energizer Bunny arrested: Charged with battery.

Hypochondria is the only disease I haven’t got.

Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.

“People who drink light beer don’t like the taste of beer; they just like to pee a lot” — Rodney Dangerfield

He who laughs last thinks slowest.

If it weren’t for electricity we’d all be watching television by candlelight?

If a job is worth doing well get someone else to do it.

How do you keep an Irishman busy? Write P.T.O on both sides of a piece of paper.

What’s the definition of a will? (It’s a dead giveaway).

We Quit Voting Will They All Go Away?

Wine divulges truth.

I think animal testing is a terrible idea; they get all nervous and give the wrong answers.

Man who run in front of car get tired.

Some pain is physical, and some is mental, but one that’s both is dental.

Life is far too important to be taken seriously.

“You start coding. I’ll go find out what they want.” — Computer analyst to programmer

What do you call a dinosaur with an extensive vocabulary? A thesaurus.

Age is a question of mind over matter. If you don’t mind, it don’t matter.

The chance of a piece of bread falling with the buttered side down is directly proportional to the cost of the carpet.

Maybe I’m lucky to be going so slowly, because I may be going in the wrong direction.

“The best thing about the future is that it comes only one day at a time.” – Abraham Lincoln

The only reason some people get lost in thought is because it’s unfamiliar territory.

Bacteria: the only culture some people have.

This girl said she recognized me from the vegetarian club, but I’d never met herbivore

A bargain is something you don’t need at a price you can’t resist.

Why is the man that invests your money called a broker?

It is hard enough to remember my opinions, without also remembering my reasons for them!

What hair color do they put on the driver’s licenses of bald men?

Plato is dead, Einstein is dead, and I’m not feeling too good myself...

My schoolmates would make love to anything that moved, but I never saw any reason to limit myself.

Applying computer technology is simply finding the right wrench to pound in the correct screw.

If you don’t know where you are going, you might wind up someplace else.

On the plus side, death is one of the few things that can be done just as easily as lying down.

If you do not make dust, you eat dust.

It is said that if you line up all the cars in the world end to end, someone would be stupid enough to try and pass them.

If you don’t know why I’m mad at you, then I’m certainly not going to tell you

“Always be sincere, even when you don’t mean it”. — Irene Peter

If Bill Gates had a nickel for every time Windows crashed... oh wait, he does.

Don’t talk unless you can improve the silence.

“I would like to live in Manchester, England. The transition between Manchester and death would be unnoticeable”. — Mark Twain

Allow me to introduce my selves.

Just because your head is the biggest doesn’t mean it contains the right ideas.

You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say will be misquoted then used against you.

I’d like to see things your way, but I’m looking in another direction.

Marriage is not a word; it is a sentence.

Where do you find an Irish woodworm? Dead inside a brick.

Plagiarism saves time.

“The object of war is not to die for your country but to make the other bastard die for his.” – General George Patton

Warning: Dates in Calendar are closer than they appear.

Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don’t.

An Irish man was driving to the airport when he saw a sign saying ‘Airport – Left’... So he went home.

Did you hear about the cross-eyed teacher who lost her job because she couldn’t control her pupils?

I Haven’t Lost My Mind, It’s Backed Up On Disk Somewhere.

Where there’s a will, I want to be in it.

Smoking cures weight problems...eventually...

There’s a difference between being open-minded and having a hole in your head

Honesty is the best policy, but insanity is a better defence.

Being single is like a vacuum. It sucks when you are turned on.

Raising teenagers is like trying to nail Jell-O to a tree.

“My computer NEVER loc

I think, therefore I am single.

I guess traffic in the city is improving a little. Yesterday, I drove clear across town and only had to shave twice.

A bird in the hand is safer than one overhead.

Plan to be spontaneous tomorrow.

I’m an idealist: I don’t know where I’m going, but I’m on my way.

I had amnesia once or twice.

The world is full of willing people; some willing to work, the rest willing to let them.

Under capitalism, man exploits man. Under Communism, it’s just the opposite.

Always try to be modest and be proud of it!

Pick your friends but not to pieces.

A bird does not sing because it has an answer—it sings because it has a song.

Love is blind, but marriage is a real eye-opener.

Don’t take life too seriously—you’ll never get out of it alive.

If we don’t succeed, we run the risk of failure.

Cheerfulness is contagious, but don’t wait to catch it from others. Be a carrier.

When you are arguing with an idiot, make sure the other person isn’t doing the same thing.

There are two kinds of people, those who finish what they start, and so on.

Consciousness: that annoying time between naps.

Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian any more than going to the garage makes you a car.

Velcro — what a rip off!

Jokes about German sausage are the wurst.

Procrastinate Now!

I used to be a Kleptomaniac, But now I’m taking something for it

Those who can laugh without cause have either found the true meaning of happiness or have gone stark raving mad.

I’d give my right arm to be ambidextrous.

Work: It isn’t just for sleeping anymore.

“When you starve with a tiger, the tiger starves last”. — Griffin’s Thought

I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.

My mind not only wanders, sometimes it leaves completely.

I arise in the morning torn between a desire to improve the world and a desire to enjoy the world. This makes it hard to plan the day.

Succeed in spite of management. Aim Low; Reach Your Goals, Avoid Disappointment.

Authority makes some people grow – and others just swell.

Ours is a world where people don’t know what they want and are willing to go through hell to get it.

Never put off until tomorrow what you can avoid altogether.

If it weren’t for the last minute, nothing would ever get done.

Compromise: the art of dividing a cake so that everybody believes he or she got the biggest piece.

Moderation in all things, including moderation.

A pessimist is a man who has been compelled to live with an optimist

The dictionary is the only place where success comes before work.

Age always corresponds inversely to the size of your multivitamin.

Age is a very high price to pay for maturity.

To err is human – and to blame it on a computer is even more so.

If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?

If at first you do succeed, try to hide your astonishment.

Anywhere is walking distance, if you’ve got the time.

Haunted French pancakes give me the crêpes.

If at first you don’t succeed, try management.

Shin: a device for finding furniture in the dark.

“A patriot must always be ready to defend his country against his government”. — Edward Abbey

Alcohol: the cause of, and solution to, all of life’s problems.

One day I will get this peer guy and reset his connection.

I have gone to look for myself, if I should return before I get back, keep me here.

System Error - Windows Loaded

Anything not nailed down is mine. Anything I can pry loose is not nailed down.

“You have to be careful about being too careful” – Beryl Pfizer

“I have never let my schooling interfere with my education.”—Mark Twain

I love cats – they taste just like chicken.

What do you call a dinosaur with an extensive vocabulary? A thesaurus.

Youth is a wonderful thing. What a crime to waste it on children.

PMS jokes aren’t funny. Period.

I dropped out of communism class because of lousy Marx.

An egotist is a person of low taste—more interested in himself than in me.

I am not a vegetarian because I love animals; I am a vegetarian because I hate plants.

Mines are equal opportunity weapons.

“When in doubt tell the truth.”—Mark Twain

Booze is the answer. I don’t remember the question.

I have had more trouble with myself than with any other man I’ve met.

The short fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.

I married Miss Right. I just didn’t know her first name was Always.

It is even harder for the average ape to believe that he has descended from man.

How do you get an Irishman to burn his ear? Ring him up while he is ironing.

Anything not nailed down is a cat toy.

Early to rise, early to bed, makes a man healthy but socially dead.

“Inconceivable!” “I do not think that word means what you think it means.”

If automobiles had followed the same development cycle as the computer, a Rolls Royce would today cost $100, get a million miles per gallon, and explode once a year, killing everyone inside.

Better to remain silent and be thought a fool, than to speak and remove all doubt.

An army of deer led by a lion is more to be feared than an army of lions led by a deer.

I’m an apathetic sociopath – I’d kill you if I cared.

If you want your spouse to listen and pay strict attention to every word you say, talk in your sleep.

Why is it that to stop Windows, you have to click on “Start”?

If someone with multiple personalities threatens suicide... is it considered a hostage situation?

“War does not determine who is right - only who is left.” – Bertrand Russell

Fundamentalism: Believe in a kind, loving God or we’ll kill you!

Experience is simply the name we give our mistakes.

I plead contemporary insanity.

Why is the third hand on the watch called a second hand?

A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat.

Eagles may soar, but weasels don’t get sucked into jet engines.

If we learn by our mistakes, some of us are getting one hell of an education!

You can always spot a well-informed man – his views are the same as yours.

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