Amusing Quotes & One-Liners — Ned Martin’s Amused

Amusing Quotes & One-Liners

Jack and Jill did it for the insurance.

Chaos, panic, & disorder – my work here is done.

If a woman has to choose between catching a fly ball and saving an infant’s life, she will choose to save the infant’s life without even considering if there is a man on base.—Dave Barry

Never put both feet in your mouth at the same time, because then you don’t have a leg to stand on.

The secret of success is sincerity. Once you can fake that you’ve got it made.

“You, you and you: panic. The rest of you, come with me.”

“This report, by its very length, defends itself against the risk of being read”. — Winston Churchill

It is not what a teenager knows that bothers his parents. It is how he found out.

One should forgive one’s enemies, but not before they are hanged.

The most powerful force in the universe is gossip.

“When you starve with a tiger, the tiger starves last”. — Griffin’s Thought

I’m out of my mind, but feel free to leave a message.

It’s not true that married men live longer than single men. It only seems longer.

Everything you like is bad for you in some way.

I don’t believe in astrology. I am a Sagittarius and we’re very skeptical. ~ Arthur C. Clarke

I Refuse To Have A Battle Of Wits With An Unarmed Person.

How Many Roads Must A Man Travel Down Before He Admits He Is Lost?

Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7th of your life.

Why is it that to stop Windows, you have to click on “Start”?

I don’t have a solution but I admire the problem.

Prediction is extremely difficult. Especially about the future.

If con is the opposite of pro, congress is the opposite of progress.

Early to rise, early to bed, makes a man healthy but socially dead.

I can resist everything except temptation.

For people who like peace and quiet – a phoneless cord.

Maybe I’m lucky to be going so slowly, because I may be going in the wrong direction.

“I have left orders to be awakened at any time in case of national emergency – even if I’m in a Cabinet meeting.” – Ronald Reagan

When all other means of communication fail, try words.

I stayed up all night to see where the sun went. Then it dawned on me.

Fundamentalism: Believe in a kind, loving God or we’ll kill you!

I have gone to look for myself, if I should return before I get back, keep me here.

I’m desperately trying to figure out why kamikaze pilots wore helmets.

If you can’t beat your computer at chess, try kickboxing.

Everything is possible; just not too probable.

Years ago fairy tales began with “Once upon a time...” Now it’s “If I am elected...”

Accept that some days you’re the pigeon, and some days you’re the statue.

It’s bad luck to be superstitious.

Time’s fun when you’re having flies... Kermit the Frog

I spilled spot remover on my dog. Now he’s gone.

Does this smell like chloroform to you?

Bachelors have consciences, married men have wives.

Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don’t.

Whenever people agree with me, I always feel I must be wrong.

Youth would be an ideal state if it came a little later in life.

It is a fitting irony that under Richard Nixon, ‘launder’ became a dirty word.

The art of flying is to throw yourself at the ground and miss.

Man does not live by words alone, despite the fact that sometimes he has to eat them.

Show me a piano falling down a mineshaft and I’ll show you A-flat minor.

Every time I look at you I get a fierce desire to be lonesome.

If puns were outlawed, only outlaws would have puns.

“Are you going to come quietly, or do I have to use earplugs?”—Vale Spike Milligan

Vote for the man who promises least; he’ll be the least disappointing.

The amount of work to be done increases in proportion to the amount of work already completed. — VAIL’S SECOND AXIOM

“If women didn’t exist, all the money in the world would have no meaning.” – Aristotle Onassis

Lots of people know a good thing the minute the other fellow sees it first.

Experience is simply the name we give our mistakes.

I used to be apathetic, but now I don’t give a damn.

Friends may come and go, but enemies accumulate

The only difference between Genius and Insanity... is success.

“Inconceivable!” “I do not think that word means what you think it means.”

Men don’t care what’s on TV. They only care what else is on TV.

We have two ends. One for sitting and one for thinking. Our success depends on which one we use most.

Once, during prohibition, I was forced to live for days on nothing but food and water.

I married my wife for her looks... but not the ones she’s been giving me lately!

Conscience is the inner voice warning us that someone may be looking.

Insanity is hereditary; you can get it from your children.

Someone sent me a postcard picture of the earth. On the back it said, “Wish you were here.”

Life is far too important to be taken seriously.

It is hard to understand how a cemetery raised its burial charges and blamed it on the cost of living.

To define recursion, we must first define recursion.

If a job is worth doing well get someone else to do it.

Bacteria: the only culture some people have.

If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?

A bird does not sing because it has an answer—it sings because it has a song.

I tried sniffing Coke once, but the ice cubes got stuck in my nose.

There is nothing so annoying as to have two people go right on talking when you’re interrupting.

I generally avoid temptation unless I can’t resist it.

What sane person could live in this world and not be crazy?

It’s hard to face the problem, when the problem is your face.

What do you call a dinosaur with an extensive vocabulary? A thesaurus.

I used to be a banker, but then I lost interest.

They say if you play a Microsoft CD backwards you hear satanic messages. That’s nothing, if you play it forwards it installs Windows.

I majored in liberal arts. Will that be for here or to go?

An Apple a day keeps the doctor away. But... an onion a day keeps everyone away.

Brilliant, but with the social skills of a thermonuclear device.

“How come we choose from just two people to run for president and 50 for Miss America?”

Nobody can be exactly like me. Even I have trouble doing it.

If it’s 0 degrees today and it’s going to be twice as cold tomorrow... how cold will it be?

What does a clock do when it’s hungry? It goes back four seconds.

Tip the world over on its side and everything loose will land in Los Angeles.

Birthdays are good for you. Statistics show that the people who have the most live the longest.

Before marriage, a man yearns for the woman he loves. After marriage, the ‘Y’ becomes silent.

Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.

It is hard enough to remember my opinions, without also remembering my reasons for them!

On a tombstone: I TOLD YOU I WAS SICK

Don’t look back. Something may be gaining on you.

Honesty is the best policy, but insanity is a better defence.

I always wanted to be somebody, but I should have been more specific.

So Many Pedestrians – So Little Time.

You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say will be misquoted then used against you.

A study in the Washington Post says that women have better verbal skills than men. I just want to say to the authors of that study: “Duh.”— Conan O’Brien

Red Tape Holds Up New Bridge!

The surprising thing about young fools is how many survive to become old fools.

Some pain is physical, and some is mental, but one that’s both is dental.

All those who believe in psycho kinesis raise my hand.

The trouble with the rat race is that even if you win, you’re still a rat.

“Managing senior programmers is like herding cats” — Dave Platt.

It used to be only death and taxes were inevitable. Now, of course, there’s shipping and handling, too.

It’s strange, isn’t it. You stand in the middle of a library and go aaaaagghhhh’ and everyone just stares at you. But you do the same thing on an aeroplane, and everyone joins in.

Roses are red, Violets are blue. In Soviet Russia, Poems write you.

Lord, if you won’t make me skinny, please make all my friends fat.

Compromise: the art of dividing a cake so that everybody believes he or she got the biggest piece.

What if there were no hypothetical questions?

A bird in the hand is safer than one overhead.

Politicians are people who, when they see the light at the end of the tunnel, go out and buy more tunnel.

A dog that attends a flea circus most likely will steal the whole show.

“I wish everyone was peaceful. Then I could take over the planet with a butter knife”—Dogbert

I’m not afraid of heights, only widths.

“If builders built buildings the way programmers write programs, then the first woodpecker that came along would destroy civilization” — Weinberg’s Second Law.

Remember... Marriage is the number one cause of divorce. Statistically, 100% of all divorces started with marriage.

Life is complex: it has real and imaginary parts.

Best way to get a man to do something, is to suggest they are too old for it.

He’s so lazy. I’ve seen him step into a revolving door and wait.

They told me I had type A blood, but it was a Type O

If at first you don’t succeed, try, try again. Then quit. There’s no use being a damned fool about it.

There are two types of people in this world, good and bad. The good sleep better, but the bad seem to enjoy the waking hours much more.

As the light changed from red to green to yellow and back to red again, I sat there thinking about life. Was it nothing more than a bunch of honking and yelling? Sometimes it seemed that way.

Isn’t having a smoking section in a restaurant like having a peeing section in a swimming pool?

A poor excuse is like an old bucket; doesn’t matter what shape it is in, as long as it holds water.

To find out a girl’s faults, praise her to her girl friends.

99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.

Humour. It is a difficult concept. It is not logical.

You’ll never get to heaven if you’re scared of getting high.

Everybody is ignorant, only on different subjects.

There are 10 types of people in the world: Those who understand binary, and those who don’t.

God must love stupid people, he made so many.

I wished the buck stopped here, as I could use a few.

Pardon my driving, I am reloading.

“War does not determine who is right - only who is left.” – Bertrand Russell

The number of people watching you is directly proportional to the stupidity of your action.

I think animal testing is a terrible idea; they get all nervous and give the wrong answers.

The truth is a precious commodity. That’s why I use it so sparingly.

I haven’t spoken to my wife for 18 months: I don’t like to interrupt her.

If you don’t know why I’m mad at you, then I’m certainly not going to tell you

I took a speed reading course and read ‘War and Peace’ in twenty minutes. It involves Russia. Enough women for four.

Cleverly Disguised As A Responsible Adult.

I started out with nothing, and I still have most of it.

Authority makes some people grow – and others just swell.

A conscience does not prevent sin. It only prevents you from enjoying it.

If life was fair, Elvis would be alive and all the impersonators would be dead.

That which cannot be taken apart will fall apart.

Ninety-nine per cent of the people in the world are fools and the rest of us are in great danger of contagion.

“Hey, I’ve got reasons for what I’m doing,” REALLY MEANS, “I sure hope I think of some pretty soon.”

Military intelligence is a contradiction in terms.

It’s not that I’m afraid to die; I just don’t want to be there when it happens.

I am obviously right, and as you disagree with me, then logically you must be wrong.

I dropped out of communism class because of lousy Marx.

They say you only use ten percent of your brain. What about the other ten?

At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be “What is hell?” Come early and listen to our choir practice.

England has no kidney bank, but it does have a Liverpool.

Hard work never killed anybody but why take the chance?

“I worked in a pet shop and people kept asking how big I’d get” — Rodney Dangerfield

On the plus side, death is one of the few things that can be done just as easily as lying down.

Well, if I called the wrong number, why did you answer the phone?

I changed my iPod’s name to Titanic. It’s syncing now.

There are 3 kinds of people: those who can count and those who can’t.

IRS: We’ve got what it takes to take what you’ve got.

There are only three kinds of people; people who can count and people who can’t.

I’d give my right arm to be ambidextrous.

Plagiarism saves time.

Don’t take life too seriously—you’ll never get out of it alive.

You’re not drunk if you can lie on the floor without holding on.

I intend to live forever – so far, so good.

Age always corresponds inversely to the size of your multivitamin.

For Sale: Parachute. Only used once, never opened, small stain.

Honest criticism is hard to take, particularly from a relative, a friend, an acquaintance, or a stranger.

The trouble with jogging is that, by the time you realise you’re not in shape for it, it’s far too far to walk back.

Mental Floss prevents Moral Decay.

Some people are alive only because it’s illegal to kill them.

A guy got arrested for playing the guitar. He was fingering a minor.

Doctor, Doctor You’ve got to help me – I just can’t stop my hands shaking. Do you drink a lot? Not really – I spill most of it!

I’m sorry; you cannot have an outlook on life because it isn’t responding. Microsoft apologises for any inconvenience.

Democracy is a government where you can say what you think even if you don’t think.

“If carrots are so good for the eyes, how come I see so many dead rabbits on the highway?”

Always do sober what you said you’d do drunk. That will teach you to keep your mouth shut.

You have the right to your opinions. I just don’t want to hear them.

I am free of all prejudices. I hate everyone equally.

Good judgement comes from experience. Experience comes from bad judgement.

“Everyday I beat my own previous record for number of consecutive days I’ve stayed alive.”

I Haven’t Lost My Mind, It’s Backed Up On Disk Somewhere.

Money is better than poverty, if only for financial reasons.

I think that’s how Chicago got started. A bunch of people in New York said, “Gee, I’m enjoying the crime and the poverty, but it just isn’t cold enough. Let’s go west.”—Richard Jeni

I couldn’t repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.

If sex is such a natural phenomenon, how come there are so many books on how to do it.

You look like a million dollars. All green and wrinkled.

System Error - Windows Loaded

Killed - Personality Incompatibility

Bigamy is having one wife too many. Monogamy is the same. – Oscar Wilde

The sooner you fall behind the more time you’ll have to catch up.

I was at a bar nursing a beer. My nipple was getting quite soggy.

If it weren’t for the last minute, nothing would ever get done.

By the time a man realises that his father was right, he has a son who thinks he’s wrong.

It is not my interest to pay the principal, nor my principal to pay the interest.

Blessed are the young, for they shall inherit the national debt.

“People who drink light beer don’t like the taste of beer; they just like to pee a lot” — Rodney Dangerfield

Heck is where people go who don’t believe in gosh.

“There are only two things that are infinite: the universe and human stupidity. And I’m not sure about the universe.” A. Einstein

A cartoonist was found dead in his home. Details are sketchy.

He who smiles in a crisis has found someone to blame.

The human brain is a wonderful thing. It starts working the moment you are born, and never stops until you stand up to speak in public.

A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a train stops. On my desk I have a workstation...

Men have a much better time of it than women; for one thing, they marry later; for another thing they die earlier.

Money is flat and meant to be piled up. – Scottish Proverb

An army of deer led by a lion is more to be feared than an army of lions led by a deer.

“#define QUESTION ((bb) || !(bb))” — Shakespeare

Time is a great teacher, but unfortunately it kills all its pupils.

It doesn’t matter what temperature the room is; it’s always room temperature.

I am not a vegetarian because I love animals; I am a vegetarian because I hate plants.

If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?

If you’re born again, do you have two bellybuttons?

If I were two-faced, would I be wearing this one?

Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.

A backwards poet writes inverse.

“C++ : Where friends have access to your private members.” — Gavin Russell Baker.

As a final incentive before giving up a difficult task, try to imagine it successfully accomplished by someone you violently dislike.

If we learn by our mistakes, some of us are getting one hell of an education!

Restarting System - Mouse Moved

My girlfriend told me I should be more affectionate. So I got two more girlfriends.

I don’t enjoy computer jokes; not one bit.

Shin: a device for finding furniture in the dark.

“Reading computer manuals without the hardware is as frustrating as reading sex manuals without the software.” — Arthur C. Clarke.

As long as there are tests, there will be prayer in public schools.

Originality is the fine art of remembering what you hear, but forgetting where you heard it.

Never underestimate the power of very stupid people in large groups.

I took an IQ test and the results were negative.

Outside of a dog, a book is probably man’s best friend, and inside of a dog, it’s too dark to read.

If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?

Abel Tasman on discovering Tasmania, “Too far south for spices and too close to the rim of the earth to be inhabited by anything but freaks and monsters”

If I were someone who knew something, who could I tell that would believe me?

Man who drive like hell bound to get there.

If you can’t dazzle them with brilliance... just baffle them with bullsh*t.

e=mc^2 where m = the number of cooks required to spoil the broth

Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian any more than going to the garage makes you a car.

I’d explain it to you, but your brain would explode.

There are two kinds of people, those who finish what they start, and so on.

I hate women because they always know where things are.

Without question, the greatest invention in the history of mankind is beer. Oh, I grant you that the wheel was also a fine invention, but the wheel does not go nearly as well with pizza.

“There is no reason anyone would want a computer in their home.” — Ken Olson, founder of Digital Equipment Corp., 1977.

Everyone needs belief in something. I believe I’ll have another beer.

If you don’t know where you are going, you will wind up somewhere else.

Some people are alive only because it’s illegal to kill them.

The man who fell into an upholstery machine is fully recovered.

Venison for dinner again? Oh deer!


I tried to photograph the fog, but I mist.

I used to think I was indecisive, but now I’m not sure.

Broken pencils are pointless.

The things that come to those that wait may be the things left by those who got there first.

He who laughs last thinks slowest.

When I was a boy I was told that anybody could become president; I’m beginning to believe it.

One martini is all right, two is too many, and three is not enough.

The early bird gets the worm, but the early worm gets eaten.

The fellow who thinks he knows it all is especially annoying to those of us who do.

I arise in the morning torn between a desire to improve the world and a desire to enjoy the world. This makes it hard to plan the day.

The dumber people think you are, the more surprised they’re going to be when you kill them—Rodney Dangerfield

I have kleptomania, but when it gets bad, I take something for it. ~ Robert Benchle

I take everything I can for my kleptomania.

In the beginning, God created earth and rested. Then God created man and rested. Then God created woman. Since then, neither God nor man has rested.

Take my advice, I don’t use it anyway.

Proofread carefully to see if you any words out.

“You can always count on Americans to do the right thing—after they’ve tried everything else” – Winston Churchill

There’s a fine line between genius and insanity. I have erased this line.

The day I can’t do my job drunk is the day I turn in my badge and gun.

I didn’t like my beard at first. Then it grew on me.

When you do not know what you are doing, do it neatly.

I used to find him boring until I stopped listening.

In a Tokyo shop: Our nylons cost more than common, but you’ll find they are best in the long run.

“Then he ran into my knife. He ran into my knife ten times.” – Chicago

Anything’s possible... apart from skiing through a revolving door.

Next time you wave, use all your fingers.

Keyboard not detected. Press F1 to continue

I am amazed at radio DJ’s today. I am firmly convinced that AM on my radio stands for Absolute Moron. I will not begin to tell you what FM stands for.

I always wanted to be a procrastinator, never got around to it though.

No sense being pessimistic, it probably wouldn’t work anyway.

Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.

Laugh at your problems; everybody else does.

If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?

Early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.

Is Disney World the only people trap operated by a mouse?

Warning: Dates in Calendar are closer than they appear.

“My computer NEVER loc

I’ve been trying for some time to develop a life style that doesn’t require my presence.

Always remember you’re unique, just like everyone else.

Consciousness: that annoying time between naps.

Moderation in all things, including moderation.

Any task worth doing was worth doing yesterday.

Ever stop to think and forget to start again?

In elementary school, in case of fire, you have to line up quietly in a single file line from smallest to tallest. What is the logic? Do tall people burn slower?

Oh, don’t fuss. I just cut myself. It’s no big deal,” REALLY MEANS, “I have actually severed a limb, but will bleed to death before I admit I’m hurt.”

If you can stay calm, while all around you is chaos... then you probably haven’t completely understood the situation.

“Oh dear,” said God, “I hadn’t thought of that,” and promptly vanished in a puff of logic.

Don’t marry for money. You can borrow it cheaper.

Everybody is ignorant, only on different subjects.

Anyone who told you to be yourself couldn’t have given you worse advice.

I often quote myself; it adds spice to my conversation.

Confidence is the feeling you have before you understand the situation.

Plato is dead, Einstein is dead, and I’m not feeling too good myself...

Statistics are like bikinis – What they reveal is suggestive, but what they conceal is vital.

Go the extra mile. It makes your boss look like an incompetent slacker.

Being in the army is like being in the Boy Scouts, except that the Boy Scouts have adult supervision.

Never go to a doctor whose office plants have died.

Never buy a car you can’t push.

Any ship can be a minesweeper... once.

Hope sees the invisible, feels the intangible and achieves the impossible.

Arguing on the Internet is like competing in the Special Olympics – even if you win, you are still retarded.

All my life, I always wanted to be somebody. Now I see that I should have been more specific.

Just because you’re not paranoid doesn’t mean they’re not out to get you.

Santa’s helpers are subordinate clauses.

If you don’t know where you are going, you might wind up someplace else.

Of course, we are all worms—but I like to think, at least, that I am a glow-worm. – Winston Churchill

If the world should blow itself up, the last audible voice would be that of an expert saying it can’t be done.

Never put off until tomorrow what you can avoid altogether.

I live in my own little world, but it’s ok they know me here.

Smith & Wesson — the original point and click interface.

When he first ran for office, he appealed to the voters: “I never stole anything in my life. All I ask is a chance.”

I have spent my whole life looking for the perfect woman, and now I’ve found her. Too bad she’s looking for the perfect man.

Women like silent men. They think they’re listening.

Just because your head is the biggest doesn’t mean it contains the right ideas.

Someday we’ll look back on all this and plow into the back of a parked car.

Where there’s a will, I want to be in it.

I installed a skylight in my apartment. The people who live above me are furious.

When your IQ reaches 80 –– sell.

When I was young, I could remember anything. Whether it happened or not.

Half of being smart is knowing what you are dumb at.

Honk if you love peace and quiet.

Make sure your mind isn’t so open that your brains fall out.

Some people are going to leave a mark on this world, while others will leave a stain.

Does your train of thought have a caboose?

Plan to be spontaneous tomorrow.

Booze is the answer. I don’t remember the question.

Be kind to your dentist. He has fillings, too.

“A patriot must always be ready to defend his country against his government”. — Edward Abbey

I’m not into working out. My philosophy: No pain, no pain.

The trouble with our times is that the future is not what it used to be.

On the other hand you have different fingers.

Why is the third hand on the watch called a second hand?

A drop of ink may make a million think.

I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol.

I am a nobody, nobody is perfect, therefore I’m perfect.

How do you get an Irishman to burn his ear? Ring him up while he is ironing.

When angry count four, when very angry, swear.

I either want less corruption, or more chance to participate in it.

I stayed up all night to see where the sun went. Then it dawned on me.

I don’t approve of political jokes... I’ve seen too many of them get elected.

How do you spot an Irishman at a carwash? He’s the one on the bike.

A committee is a body that keeps minutes and wastes hours.

A baby sitter is a teenager acting like an adult while the adults are out acting like teenagers.

I’d like to see things your way, but I’m looking in another direction.

Sometimes I wake up grumpy; other times I let her sleep

Never argue with an idiot. They drag you down to their level then beat you with experience.

Support bacteria – they’re the only culture some people have.

I used to think I was indecisive, but now I’m not sure.

All the toilets in New York’s police stations have been stolen. The police have nothing to go on.

I had amnesia once or twice.

Streakers beware: Your end is in sight.

People with narrow minds usually have broad tongues.

Whenever there is any doubt, there is no doubt.

The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.

If a man opens a car door for a woman, either the car is new or the woman.

If you can’t convince them, confuse them.

The earthquake in Washington obviously was the government’s fault.

There are very few personal problems that cannot be solved through a suitable application of high explosives.

A pessimist is a man who has been compelled to live with an optimist

What’s another word for Thesaurus?

“Auntie Em: hate you, hate Kansas, taking the dog.” – Dorothy

My mind not only wanders, sometimes it leaves completely.

Laugh and the world laughs with you; snore and you sleep alone.

It’s just a job. Grass grows, birds fly, waves pound the sand. I just beat people up. – Muhammad Ali

Help Wanted: Telepath. You know where to apply.

“This ‘telephone’ has too many shortcomings to be seriously considered as a means of communication.” — Western Union internal memo, 1876.

Anything not nailed down is mine. Anything I can pry loose is not nailed down.

Those who can laugh without cause have either found the true meaning of happiness or have gone stark raving mad.

If we don’t succeed, we run the risk of failure.

Pick your friends but not to pieces.

Don’t use a big word where a diminutive one will suffice.

Everyone hates me because I’m paranoid.

Be nice to your kids. They’ll choose your nursing home.

Marriage changes passion... suddenly you’re in bed with a relative.

Always try to be modest and be proud of it!

I wondered why the baseball was getting bigger. Then it hit me.

Men’s faults are many, women have only two. Everything they say, and everything they do.

Experience is something you do not get until just after you need it.

If trees could scream, would we be so cavalier about cutting them down? We might, if they screamed all the time, for no good reason.

The illegal we do immediately. The unconstitutional takes a little longer. – Henry Kissinger

“As a matter of fact” is an expression that precedes many an expression that isn’t.

The world is full of willing people; some willing to work, the rest willing to let them.

Borrow money from pessimists- they don’t expect to get it back.

Where do you find an Irish woodworm? Dead inside a brick.

Democracy is the recurrent suspicion that more than half of the people are right more than half of the time.

“My wife made me join a bridge club. I jump off next Tuesday” — Rodney Dangerfield

Having more money doesn’t make you happier. I have 50 million dollars but I’m just as happy as when I had 48 million. ~ Arnold Schwarzenegger.

I hope that after I die, people will say of me: “That guy sure owed me a lot of money.”

The dictionary is the only place where success comes before work.

There are three ways to get something done: do it yourself, hire someone, or forbid your kids to do it.

There’s a difference between being open-minded and having a hole in your head

We’ve made great medical progress in the last generation. What used to be merely an itch is now an allergy.

Legend: a lie that has attained the dignity of age.

“How can a president not be an actor?” – when asked “How could an actor become president?” – Ronald Reagan

Computers make it easy to do a lot of things, but most of the things that make it easier to do don’t need to be done.

Even paranoids have real enemies.

He who trains his tongue to quote the learned sages, will be known far and wide as a smart ass.

Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?

To succeed in politics, it is often necessary to rise above your principles.

What’s the definition of a will? (It’s a dead giveaway).

Eagles may soar, but weasels don’t get sucked into jet engines.

He does the work of three men: Larry, Moe and Curly.

It is said that if you line up all the cars in the world end to end, someone would be stupid enough to try and pass them.

It is wiser to find out than to suppose.—Mark Twain

“On two occasions I have been asked [by members of Parliament!]: ‘Pray, Mr. Babbage, if you put into the machine wrong figures, will the right answers come out ?’ I am not able rightly to apprehend the kind of confusion of ideas that could provoke such a question.” — Charles Babbage.

When you get a bladder infection, urine trouble.

If at first you do succeed, try to hide your astonishment.

AIBOHPHOBIA – the fear of palindromes.

If automobiles had followed the same development cycle as the computer, a Rolls Royce would today cost $100, get a million miles per gallon, and explode once a year, killing everyone inside.

Don’t talk unless you can improve the silence.

Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way when you criticize them, you are a mile away from them and you have their shoes.

I’m an apathetic sociopath – I’d kill you if I cared.

“Thinking is the hardest work there is, which is probably why so few engage in it”. — Henry Ford

I guess traffic in the city is improving a little. Yesterday, I drove clear across town and only had to shave twice.

Applying computer technology is simply finding the right wrench to pound in the correct screw.

“Your mouse has moved. Windows must be restarted for the change to take effect. Reboot now ? [OK]”

Solitude is fine, but you need someone to tell you that solitude is fine.

Knowledge is the key, but where is the damn lock?

I got a job at a bakery because I kneaded dough.

I have the body of a GOD – Buddha.

I majored in liberal arts. Will that be for here or to go?

Nothing means nothing, but it isn’t really nothing because nothing is something that isn’t.

All men are equal. Some are just more equal than others.

Why don’t you ever see the headline “Psychic Wins Lottery”?

Be careful when reading health books; you may die of a misprint.

Save the whales. Collect the whole set.

I heard a man say that brigands demand your money or your life, whereas women require both.

Despite the cost of living it’s still very popular.

How do you know if a fish is Irish? It has drowned.

I can please only one person per day. Today is not your day. Tomorrow isn’t looking good either.

“Banking establishments are more dangerous than standing armies”. — Thomas Jefferson

If we aren’t supposed to eat animals, why are they made of meat?

Bachelors know more about women than married men; if they didn’t they’d be married too.

An egotist is a person of low taste—more interested in himself than in me.

I don’t suffer from stress. I’m a carrier.

At the age of six I wanted to be a cook. At seven I wanted to be Napoleon. And my ambition has been growing steadily ever since.

When you are arguing with an idiot, make sure the other person isn’t doing the same thing.

We must believe in free will, we have no choice.

Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.

In a Budapest zoo: Please do not feed the animals. If you have any suitable food, give it to the guard on duty.

Don’t Be Sexist – Broads Hate That.

You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.

“You have to be careful about being too careful” – Beryl Pfizer

Age is a question of mind over matter. If you don’t mind, it don’t matter.

I wonder how much deeper would the ocean be without sponges.

“Few things are harder to put up with than a good example.”—Mark Twain

Man who run in front of car get tired.

How did Moses make his tea? Hebrews it.

TEAMWORK... means never having to take all the blame yourself.

Not all men are annoying. Some are dead.

You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They left a little note on the windscreen, it said ‘Parking Fine.’

If at first you don’t succeed, destroy all the evidence that you tried.

“The web is a dominatrix. Every where I turn, I see little buttons ordering me to Submit.” — Nytwind.

Genius is 1% inspiration, and 99% perspiration.

In the office of a Roman doctor: Specialist in women and other diseases.

Stupidity is not a handicap. Park elsewhere!

Doctor, Doctor I keep getting pains in the eye when I drink coffee. Have you tried taking the spoon out?

Why were the Indians here first? They had reservations.

Marriage is not a word; it is a sentence.

Don’t be irreplaceable; if you cannot be replaced, you cannot be promoted.

Did you hear about the cross-eyed teacher who lost her job because she couldn’t control her pupils?

Men occasionally stumble over the truth, but most of them pick themselves up and hurry off as if nothing had happened. – Winston Churchill

The sooner you fall behind the more time you’ll have to catch up.

A penny saved is a Congressional spending oversight.

“You start coding. I’ll go find out what they want.” — Computer analyst to programmer

If ever I get married again it would have to be under an anaesthetic.

If you don’t learn to laugh at troubles, you won’t have anything to laugh at when you grow old.

Anything not nailed down is a cat toy.

Advertisement for donkey rides in Thailand: Would you like to ride on your own ass?

Where you stand depends on where you sit.

Why is it that doctors call what they do “practice”?

The beatings will continue until morale improves.

Every morning is the dawn of a new error.

How do you sink an Irish Submarine? Knock on the hatch.

“When in doubt tell the truth.”—Mark Twain

I have noticed that the people who are late are often so much jollier that the people who have to wait for them.

Eat a live toad first thing in the morning, and nothing worse can happen to you the rest of the day.

What Has Four Legs And An Arm? A Happy Pit Bull.

“I’d rather have a bottle in front of me, than a frontal lobotomy”. — Tom Waits

Eschew obfuscation.

People don’t grow up; they just learn how to act in public.

Men are from earth. Women are from earth. Deal with it.

A clean tie attracts the soup of the day.

Connection Reset - Insufficient Electrons

Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

If At First You Don’t Succeed... Blame Someone Else And Seek Counseling.

Sheep don’t fly so much as plummet.

When in trouble, fear or doubt, run in circles, scream and shout.

If the French were really intelligent, they’d speak English.

Leftists are among the first to speak of their rights.

I spent most of my money on booze, drugs and women... The rest I wasted!

How do I set a laser printer to stun?

Get a new car for your spouse – it’ll be a great trade!

My reality check just bounced.

An egotist has one point in his favour – he doesn’t go round talking about other people.

Money can’t buy happiness, but it sure makes misery easier to live with.

“I would like to live in Manchester, England. The transition between Manchester and death would be unnoticeable”. — Mark Twain

Why does Sea World have a seafood restaurant? I’m halfway through my fish burger and I realize, Oh my gosh... I could be eating a slow learner.

A day without sun shine is like, you know, night.

Chipped dishes never break.

When life hands you a lemon, make lemonade.

Life... I don’t get it...

If all you have is a hammer, everything looks like a nail.

In this world, nothing is certain but death and taxes. – Benjamin Franklin

Age is an issue of mind over matter. If you don’t mind, it doesn’t matter.

Eagles may soar, but weasels don’t get sucked into jet engines.

I like to start my periods with sentences.

We waste time, so you don’t have to.

I love deadlines. I especially like the whooshing sound they make as they go flying by.

“He has been given a large brain by mistake, since for him the spinal cord would fully suffice.” — Albert Einstein

The most precious thing we have is life. Yet it has absolutely no trade-in value.

We Quit Voting Will They All Go Away?

History will be kind to me for I intend to write it. – Winston Churchill

One of the greatest labour-saving inventions today is tomorrow.

Brain: an apparatus with which we think we think.

I don’t necessarily agree with everything I say.

Anything that can become tangled around something else, will.

I work hard because millions on welfare depend on me.

Blessed are those who can laugh at themselves, they will never cease to be amused.

Half our life is spent trying to find something to do with the time we have rushed through life trying to save.

“They say hard work never hurt anybody, but I figure why take the chance.” – Ronald Reagan

Mines are equal opportunity weapons.

Anger is only one letter away from danger.

An Irish man was driving to the airport when he saw a sign saying ‘Airport – Left’... So he went home.

Partying... oops No Only Parting... sorry

Haunted French pancakes give me the crêpes.

Character is what you are in the dark.

Being a philosopher, I have a problem for every solution.

According to recent study someone is run over by a car every 5 minutes in the city. You’d think the guy would have enough sense to get out of the street.

I’m an idealist: I don’t know where I’m going, but I’m on my way.

Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

Latest survey shows that 3 out of 4 people make up 75% of the world’s population.

“Reader, suppose you were an idiot. And suppose you were a member of Congress. But I repeat myself”. — Mark Twain

I don’t want to achieve immortality through my work. I want to achieve immortality through not dying.

“The best thing about the future is that it comes only one day at a time.” – Abraham Lincoln

Don’t use a big word where a diminutive one will suffice.

Tell me what you need, and I’ll tell you how to get along without it.

Seen it all, done it all, can’t remember most of it.

You can’t have everything. Where would you put it?

Why do we wash bath towels, aren’t we clean when we use them?

Impotence: Nature’s Way Of Saying “No Hard Feelings”.

I get enough exercise just pushing my luck.

Time is God’s way of keeping everything from happening at once.

My mind works like lightning. One brilliant flash and it is gone.

“I think there is a world market for maybe five computers.” — Thomas Watson, chairman of IBM, 1943.

I used to be a Kleptomaniac, But now I’m taking something for it

Under capitalism, man exploits man. Under Communism, it’s just the opposite.

111,111,111 x 111,111,111 = 12,345,678,987,654,321

I fear my inferiority complex is not as good as yours.

It’s not hard to meet expenses, they’re everywhere.

Everybody has a photographic memory. Some don’t have film.

If it weren’t for electricity we’d all be watching television by candlelight?

I’m quite easy to get along with, once you learn to beckon at my every call and yield to all my desires.

He’s not dead, he’s electroencephalographically challenged.

If you can’t convince them, confuse them.

Sex on television can’t hurt you unless you fall off.

It’s easy to quit smoking... I’ve done it over 10,000 times.

This Would Be Really Funny If It Weren’t Happening To Me.

“Life is a waste of time, time is a waste of life, so get wasted all of the time and have the time of your life”. — Tom Waits

Am I getting smart with you? How would you know?

If quizzes are quizzical, what are tests?

I was the next door kid’s imaginary friend.

Snowmen fall from Heaven unassembled.

When in doubt, mumble.

Foolproof systems don’t take into account the ingenuity of fools.

Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy.

After all is said and done, more is said than done.

My husband and I divorced over religious differences... He thought he was God and I didn’t.

My life has a superb cast but I can’t figure out the plot.

Work expands to fill the time available. — PARKINSON’S LAW

What do you call a dinosaur with an extensive vocabulary? A thesaurus.

Two strings walk into a bar. The first string says to the bartender, “Bartender, I’ll have a beer. u.5n$x5t?*&4ru!2[sACCErJ”. The second string says, “Pardon my friend, he isn’t NULL terminated”.

Constipated People Don’t Give A Crap.

“Always in motion the future is. Seasick it makes me. That’s why so green I am”. – Yoda

Cab drivers are living proof that practice does not make perfect.

It is even harder for the average ape to believe that he has descended from man.

Tips for Vegetarians: Hit a chicken enough times and it turns into a vegetable.

My favorite mythical creature? The honest politician.

I had some words with my wife, and she had some paragraphs with me.

This guy walks into a bar and the barman says “Ouch, that must have hurt”

There’s a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot.

I want to die peacefully in my sleep like my grandfather, not screaming in abject horror like his passengers.

The shortest distance between two points is under construction.

Why is the man that invests your money called a broker?

Half of the people in the world are below average.

If you want your spouse to listen and pay strict attention to every word you say, talk in your sleep.

We spend the first twelve months of our children’s lives teaching them to walk and talk and the next twelve telling them to sit down and shut up.

What hair color do they put on the driver’s licenses of bald men?

If I have to work for an idiot, I might as well work for myself.

A synonym is a word you use when you can’t spell the word you first thought of.

If you try and don’t succeed, cheat. Repeat until caught. Then lie.

Before you give a colleague a piece of your mind, be sure you can spare it.

A diplomatic husband said to his wife, how do you expect me to remember your birthday when you never look any older?

How can you come out of a closet if you never went in there in the first place?

“The object of war is not to die for your country but to make the other bastard die for his.” – General George Patton

Remember, half the people you know are below average.

Well, this day was a total waste of makeup.

Everybody lies, but it doesn’t matter since nobody listens.

Acupuncture is a jab well done.

Being single is like a vacuum. It sucks when you are turned on.

Nick Overruled - Democratic Majority Decision

The difference between a stepping-stone and a stumbling block can be when you see it.

Perhaps you’re diagonally parked in a parallel universe?

A conclusion is simply the place where you got tired of thinking.

If the human brain were so simple that we could understand it, we would be so simple we couldn’t.

When you come to a fork in the road, take it.

Why is it called tourist season if we can’t shoot at them?

I’m in no shape to exercise.

Illiterate? Write For Help.

Democracy is a process by which people are free to choose the man who will get the blame.

Jokes about German sausage are the wurst.

A procrastinator’s work is never done.

“Every mighty oak was once just a nut who stood his ground.”

I’m not dumb; I just have a command of thoroughly useless information.

No problem is so big and complicated that it can’t be ran away from.

If you’re not confused, you’re not paying attention.

Well if this is the wrong number, why did you answer it?

People can be divided into three groups: Those who make things happen, those who watch things happen, and those who wonder what happened.

I don’t suffer from stress. I’m a carrier.

There are two kinds of people, those who finish what they start, and so on.

If you want a committed man, look in a mental hospital.

This mind intentionally left blank

Promises are like babies: fun to make, but hell to deliver.

This girl said she recognized me from the vegetarian club, but I’d never met herbivore

The doctor can bury his mistakes but an architect can only advise his client to plant vines.

Cole’s Law: Thinly sliced cabbage.

Succeed in spite of management. Aim Low; Reach Your Goals, Avoid Disappointment.

When I’m not in my right mind, my left mind gets pretty crowded

To err is human – and to blame it on a computer is even more so.

Modesty is a virtue of fools.

Time sneaks up on you like a windshield on a bug.

Cheer up, the worst is yet to come.

I plead contemporary insanity.

Technology is a way of organizing the universe so that man doesn’t have to experience it.

Gossip: The art of saying nothing while leaving nothing unsaid.

Is there life before death?

Everybody is somebody else’s weirdo.

If you can’t be kind, at least have the decency to be vague.

“Heavier-than-air flying machines are impossible.” — Lord Kelvin, president, Royal Society, 1895.

I think, therefore I am single.

If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?

“Always be sincere, even when you don’t mean it”. — Irene Peter

I used up all my sick days, so I’m calling in dead.

It is a small world, but I wouldn’t like to have to paint it.

I don’t like people who take drugs... Customs Officers for example.

Seeing a murder on television...will help work off one’s antagonisms. And if you haven’t any antagonisms, the commercials will give you some.

I have had more trouble with myself than with any other man I’ve met.

If Bill Gates had a nickel for every time Windows crashed... oh wait, he does.

I’m reading a book about anti-gravity. I can’t put it down.

My husband says I never listen to him (at least I think that’s what he said)

A dyslexic man walks into a bra.

I married Miss Right. I just didn’t know her first name was Always.

Quantum: Noun, word used to sound like I know what I’m talking about while discussing physics I’ve never actually studied.

If everything is coming your way, you are probably in the wrong lane.

Somewhere on this globe, every ten seconds, is a woman giving birth to a child. She must be found and stopped.

The short fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.

If money talks, it ain’t on speakin’ terms with me.

If someone with multiple personalities threatens suicide... is it considered a hostage situation?

I love work; it fascinates me; I can sit and watch it for hours.

Lead us not into temptation. Just tell us where it is; we’ll find it.

Time flies like an arrow – fruit flies like a banana.

Some people say that I must be a horrible person, but that’s not true. I have the heart of a young boy – in a jar on my desk.

A bachelor is a man who comes to work from a different direction each morning.

Energizer Bunny arrested: Charged with battery.

Climbers aim for the summit because it is there. Bungi jumpers dive off the top because they aren’t all there.

In democracy it’s your vote that counts. In feudalism it’s your count that votes.

There is no such thing as an underestimate of average intelligence

Connection Reset By Aboriginal With Wire Cutters

If at first you don’t succeed, try management.

A bargain is something you don’t need at a price you can’t resist.

My schoolmates would make love to anything that moved, but I never saw any reason to limit myself.

In a Copenhagen airline ticket office: We take your bags and send them in all directions.

You can say any foolish thing to a dog, and the dog will give you a look that says, “My God, you’re right! I never would’ve thought of that!”

Two signs from a Majorcan shop entrance: English well speaking / Here speeching American.

Programmer – A red-eyed, mumbling mammal capable of conversing with inanimate objects.

Hypochondria is the only disease I haven’t got.

I thought I made a mistake once, but I was wrong.

A great many people think they are thinking when they are merely rearranging their prejudices.

A soldier who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran.

If vegetable oil comes from vegetables, where does baby oil come from?

If you choke a smurf, what colour does it turn?

Bacteria: the only culture some people have.

Ours is a world where people don’t know what they want and are willing to go through hell to get it.

Age is a very high price to pay for maturity.

I love cats – they taste just like chicken.

Slow is when someone laps you in the hundred-yard dash

Be thankful for problems. If they were less difficult, someone with less ability might have your job.

The only perfect science is hindsight.

Marriage is a three-ring circus: engagement ring, wedding ring, and suffering.

I laugh in the face of danger, except if I’m involved.

I have great faith in fools; my friends call it self-confidence.

Raising teenagers is like trying to nail Jell-O to a tree.

Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying of nothing.

Success always occurs in private, and failure in full public view.

Anyone can admit they were wrong; the true test is admitting it to someone else.

Instead of getting married again, I’m going to find a woman I don’t like and just give her a house.—Rod Stewart

You can always spot a well-informed man – his views are the same as yours.

“I have never let my schooling interfere with my education.”—Mark Twain

Man shoots neighbour with machete [The Miami Herald, July 3]

Even crime wouldn’t pay if the government ran it.

I don’t have an attitude problem. You have a perception problem.

It’s important to be open-minded, but not SO open-minded that your brains fall out.

This comment is printed on 100% recycled electrons.

He often broke into song because he couldn’t find the key.

I envy people who drink – at least they know what to blame everything on.

I like children. Properly cooked.

Artificial Intelligence is no match for Natural Stupidity.

In the beginning, there was nothing. Then God said, “Let there be light,” and there was still nothing, but you could see it.

Jokes about German sausage are the wurst.

Only a fool is astonished by the foolishness of humankind.

One good turn gets most of the blankets.

“I believe in equality for everyone, except reporters and photographers”. — Gandhi

System Error - Windows Loaded

Who is General Failure and why is he reading my hard disk?

Quantum mechanics: The dreams stuff is made of.

Wine divulges truth.

Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?

Anywhere is walking distance, if you’ve got the time.

My one regret in life is that I am not someone else.

Love is like an hourglass, with the heart filling up as the brain empties.

Stupidity is not a handicap! Park somewhere else!

The more time you spend in reporting on what you are doing, the less time you have to do it in. Stability is achieved when you spend all your time doing nothing but reporting on the nothing you are doing.

PMS jokes aren’t funny. Period.

I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.

Progress was all right. Only it went on too long.

A hangover is the wrath of grapes.

If you don’t pay your exorcist you get repossessed.

The scientific theory I like best is that the rings of Saturn are composed entirely of lost airline luggage.

To B or not to B? *kills the B* I HATE BEES!!!! – LynxofCP

Englishmen never will be slaves: they are free to do whatever the Government and public opinion allow them to do.

A person who smiles in the face of adversity... probably has a scapegoat.

One day I will get this peer guy and reset his connection.

Laughing stock: cattle with a sense of humour.

Murphy’s Golden Rule: Whoever has the gold makes the rules.

If you’re not wasted, the day is.

I know a guy who is addicted to brake fluid. He says he can stop anytime.

Sheep don’t fly so much as plummet.

It has recently been discovered that research causes cancer in rats.

Get even – live long enough to be a problem to your kids.

“There are two major products that come out of Berkeley: LSD and UNIX. We don’t believe this to be a coincidence.” — Jeremy S. Anderson

Confidence is the feeling you have before you understand the situation

It is well to remember the entire population of the universe, with one trifling exception, is composed of others.

Optimists believe we live on the greatest world. Pessimists believe this is true.

Five out of four people have trouble with fractions.

Outside a Hong Kong tailor shop: Ladies may have a fit upstairs.

You’re such an inspiration for the way I’ll never choose to be.

How do you keep an Irishman busy? Write P.T.O on both sides of a piece of paper.

Velcro — what a rip off!

“I’ve noticed that everyone who is for abortion has already been born.” – Ronald Reagan

I like kids, but I don’t think I could eat a whole one.

“I could tell that my parents hated me. My bath toys were a toaster and a radio” — Rodney Dangerfield

The light at the end of the tunnel has been turned off due to budget cuts.

The chance of a piece of bread falling with the buttered side down is directly proportional to the cost of the carpet.

Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?

Procrastinate Now!

Allow me to introduce my selves.

Just remember... if the world didn’t suck, we’d all fall off.

I have a simple philosophy. Fill what’s empty. Empty what’s full. Scratch where it itches.

A printer consists of three main parts: the case, the jammed paper tray and the blinking red light

The only reason some people get lost in thought is because it’s unfamiliar territory.

“Blink your eyelids periodically to lubricate your eyes.” — Page 16 of the HP “Environmental, Health Safety Handbook for Employees”.

From the moment I picked your book up until I laid it down I was convulsed with laughter. Some day I intend reading it.

The best computer is a man, and it’s the only one that can be mass-produced by unskilled labour.

“A girl phoned me the other day and said... Come on over, there’s nobody home. I went over. Nobody was home” — Rodney Dangerfield

Love is blind, but marriage is a real eye-opener.

Madness takes its toll. Please have exact change.

If you think nobody cares if you’re alive, try missing a couple of car payments.

In a Norwegian cocktail lounge: Ladies are requested not to have children in the bar.

“I am not worried about the deficit. It is big enough to take care of itself.” – Ronald Reagan

Comedy is tragedy plus time.

Cluster bombing from B-52s is very, very accurate – the bombs always hit the ground.

When a clock is hungry, it goes back four seconds.

I did a theatrical performance about puns. It was a play on words.

When Chemists die, they barium.

Horn broken. Watch for finger. (on bumper sticker)

Man who run behind car get exhausted.

Living is not worth dying for.

Hang in there; retirement is only thirty years away.

Macho Law prohibits me from admitting I’m wrong.

“The generation of random numbers is too important to be left to chance.” — Robert R. Coveyou, Oak Ridge National Laboratory.

Remember the teakettle; though up to its neck in hot water, it continues to sing.

Last night I lay in bed looking up at the stars in the sky and I thought to myself, “Where the heck is the ceiling?”

I don’t meet competition. I crush it

In a Rome laundry: Ladies, leave your clothes here and spend the afternoon having a good time.

Make three correct guesses consecutively and you will establish yourself as an expert.

A team effort is a lot of people doing what I say

Alcohol: the cause of, and solution to, all of life’s problems.

If it’s true that we are here to help others, then what exactly are the others here for?

Most vegetarians look so much like the food they eat that they can be classified as cannibals.

If olive oil comes from olives, where does baby oil come from?

Mind like a steel trap – rusty and illegal in most states.

Errors have been made. Others will be blamed.

If people concentrated on the really important things in life, there’d be a shortage of fishing poles.

We are going on a field trip to the Coca-Cola factory. I hope there are no pop quizzes.

Needing someone is like needing a parachute. If he isn’t there the first time you need him, chances are you won’t be needing him again.

My parents stayed together for forty years, but that was out of spite.

The second day of a diet is alway easier than the first. By the second day, you’re off it.

Man who eat many prunes get good run for money.

If you do not make dust, you eat dust.

I’ve always wanted to be normal, but lately I’ve come to suspect that this is it.

Don’t stop to stomp on ants when the elephants are stampeding.

Smoking cures weight problems...eventually...

The trouble with life is there’s no background music.

Better to remain silent and be thought a fool, than to speak and remove all doubt.

I thought I wanted a career, turns out I just wanted paychecks.

I love being married. It’s so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.

What happens if you get scared half to death twice?

You have to stay in shape. My grandmother, she started walking five miles a day when she was 60. She’s 97 today and we don’t know where the hell she is.

Sometimes I think the surest sign that intelligent life exists elsewhere in the universe is that none of it has tried to contact us.

“Things are more like they are now than they ever were before.” – Former U.S. President Dwight D. Eisenhower

Caution – Driver Legally Blonde!

Work: It isn’t just for sleeping anymore.

If a President doesn’t do it to his wife, he’ll do it to his country.

A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat.

Whenever I feel like exercise, I lie down until the feeling passes.

Shin: a device for finding furniture in the dark.

Marathon runners with bad footwear suffer the agony of defeat.

Cheerfulness is contagious, but don’t wait to catch it from others. Be a carrier.

On the keyboard of life, always keep one finger on the escape key.

Hemp is a herb. Bush is a dope.

“I’ve been on a calendar but I have never been on time” – Marilyn Monroe

People who think they know everything are annoying to those of us who do.

If I’d known I was going to live this long, I’d have taken better care of myself.

Remember half the people you know are below average.

One good thing about repeating your mistakes is that you know when to cringe.

“Einstein argued that there must be simplified explanations of nature, because God is not capricious or arbitrary. No such faith comforts the software engineer.” — Fred Brooks.

If at first you don’t succeed, skydiving is not your sport.

I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.

Youth is a wonderful thing. What a crime to waste it on children.

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