Amusing Quotes & One-Liners — Ned Martin’s Amused

Amusing Quotes & One-Liners

When you are arguing with an idiot, make sure the other person isn’t doing the same thing.

Doctor, Doctor I keep getting pains in the eye when I drink coffee. Have you tried taking the spoon out?

Seeing a murder on television...will help work off one’s antagonisms. And if you haven’t any antagonisms, the commercials will give you some.

Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying of nothing.

The illegal we do immediately. The unconstitutional takes a little longer. – Henry Kissinger

Remember... Marriage is the number one cause of divorce. Statistically, 100% of all divorces started with marriage.

I wondered why the baseball was getting bigger. Then it hit me.

I arise in the morning torn between a desire to improve the world and a desire to enjoy the world. This makes it hard to plan the day.

It’s not hard to meet expenses, they’re everywhere.

It is said that if you line up all the cars in the world end to end, someone would be stupid enough to try and pass them.

What sane person could live in this world and not be crazy?

Oh, don’t fuss. I just cut myself. It’s no big deal,” REALLY MEANS, “I have actually severed a limb, but will bleed to death before I admit I’m hurt.”

Man who drive like hell bound to get there.

How do you keep an Irishman busy? Write P.T.O on both sides of a piece of paper.

Someday we’ll look back on all this and plow into the back of a parked car.

It is hard enough to remember my opinions, without also remembering my reasons for them!

I married Miss Right. I just didn’t know her first name was Always.

How Many Roads Must A Man Travel Down Before He Admits He Is Lost?

Arguing on the Internet is like competing in the Special Olympics – even if you win, you are still retarded.

Marathon runners with bad footwear suffer the agony of defeat.

Tip the world over on its side and everything loose will land in Los Angeles.

I don’t meet competition. I crush it

Two strings walk into a bar. The first string says to the bartender, “Bartender, I’ll have a beer. u.5n$x5t?*&4ru!2[sACCErJ”. The second string says, “Pardon my friend, he isn’t NULL terminated”.

Remember half the people you know are below average.

How can you come out of a closet if you never went in there in the first place?

I don’t want to achieve immortality through my work. I want to achieve immortality through not dying.

It’s important to be open-minded, but not SO open-minded that your brains fall out.

To err is human – and to blame it on a computer is even more so.

Outside of a dog, a book is probably man’s best friend, and inside of a dog, it’s too dark to read.

“Banking establishments are more dangerous than standing armies”. — Thomas Jefferson

The difference between a stepping-stone and a stumbling block can be when you see it.

I majored in liberal arts. Will that be for here or to go?

Anyone who told you to be yourself couldn’t have given you worse advice.

Fundamentalism: Believe in a kind, loving God or we’ll kill you!

Is Disney World the only people trap operated by a mouse?

There are two kinds of people, those who finish what they start, and so on.

In a Tokyo shop: Our nylons cost more than common, but you’ll find they are best in the long run.

In elementary school, in case of fire, you have to line up quietly in a single file line from smallest to tallest. What is the logic? Do tall people burn slower?

I have noticed that the people who are late are often so much jollier that the people who have to wait for them.

It is a small world, but I wouldn’t like to have to paint it.

A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a train stops. On my desk I have a workstation...

If Bill Gates had a nickel for every time Windows crashed... oh wait, he does.

I used to think I was indecisive, but now I’m not sure.

So Many Pedestrians – So Little Time.

If you can’t be kind, at least have the decency to be vague.

If I’d known I was going to live this long, I’d have taken better care of myself.

How do you sink an Irish Submarine? Knock on the hatch.

Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol.

Birthdays are good for you. Statistics show that the people who have the most live the longest.

Perhaps you’re diagonally parked in a parallel universe?

When you get a bladder infection, urine trouble.

Men don’t care what’s on TV. They only care what else is on TV.

The number of people watching you is directly proportional to the stupidity of your action.

An army of deer led by a lion is more to be feared than an army of lions led by a deer.

I was at a bar nursing a beer. My nipple was getting quite soggy.

Never put both feet in your mouth at the same time, because then you don’t have a leg to stand on.

Good judgement comes from experience. Experience comes from bad judgement.

The only perfect science is hindsight.

If you can’t dazzle them with brilliance... just baffle them with bullsh*t.

As long as there are tests, there will be prayer in public schools.

Early to rise, early to bed, makes a man healthy but socially dead.

Hard work never killed anybody but why take the chance?

Santa’s helpers are subordinate clauses.

The truth is a precious commodity. That’s why I use it so sparingly.

The dictionary is the only place where success comes before work.

To B or not to B? *kills the B* I HATE BEES!!!! – LynxofCP

I don’t have a solution but I admire the problem.

On a tombstone: I TOLD YOU I WAS SICK

Tell me what you need, and I’ll tell you how to get along without it.

Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way when you criticize them, you are a mile away from them and you have their shoes.

I don’t suffer from stress. I’m a carrier.

We’ve made great medical progress in the last generation. What used to be merely an itch is now an allergy.

Whenever I feel like exercise, I lie down until the feeling passes.

A cartoonist was found dead in his home. Details are sketchy.

I am amazed at radio DJ’s today. I am firmly convinced that AM on my radio stands for Absolute Moron. I will not begin to tell you what FM stands for.

Don’t take life too seriously—you’ll never get out of it alive.

An Apple a day keeps the doctor away. But... an onion a day keeps everyone away.

This guy walks into a bar and the barman says “Ouch, that must have hurt”

Half of the people in the world are below average.

My reality check just bounced.

If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?

Well, if I called the wrong number, why did you answer the phone?

Work expands to fill the time available. — PARKINSON’S LAW

Once, during prohibition, I was forced to live for days on nothing but food and water.

I used to be apathetic, but now I don’t give a damn.

I plead contemporary insanity.

Laughing stock: cattle with a sense of humour.

Why is the third hand on the watch called a second hand?

Conscience is the inner voice warning us that someone may be looking.

People don’t grow up; they just learn how to act in public.

Sheep don’t fly so much as plummet.

I love work; it fascinates me; I can sit and watch it for hours.

Roses are red, Violets are blue. In Soviet Russia, Poems write you.

Just remember... if the world didn’t suck, we’d all fall off.

The doctor can bury his mistakes but an architect can only advise his client to plant vines.

In a Norwegian cocktail lounge: Ladies are requested not to have children in the bar.

Confidence is the feeling you have before you understand the situation.

Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.

Whenever there is any doubt, there is no doubt.

Those who can laugh without cause have either found the true meaning of happiness or have gone stark raving mad.

Latest survey shows that 3 out of 4 people make up 75% of the world’s population.

Man shoots neighbour with machete [The Miami Herald, July 3]

How do you get an Irishman to burn his ear? Ring him up while he is ironing.

Make three correct guesses consecutively and you will establish yourself as an expert.

“Blink your eyelids periodically to lubricate your eyes.” — Page 16 of the HP “Environmental, Health Safety Handbook for Employees”.

I’ve been trying for some time to develop a life style that doesn’t require my presence.

It is not what a teenager knows that bothers his parents. It is how he found out.

One good turn gets most of the blankets.

I am free of all prejudices. I hate everyone equally.

Being a philosopher, I have a problem for every solution.

Don’t talk unless you can improve the silence.

Remember the teakettle; though up to its neck in hot water, it continues to sing.

Quantum mechanics: The dreams stuff is made of.

I guess traffic in the city is improving a little. Yesterday, I drove clear across town and only had to shave twice.

A clean tie attracts the soup of the day.

I always wanted to be a procrastinator, never got around to it though.

Legend: a lie that has attained the dignity of age.

Originality is the fine art of remembering what you hear, but forgetting where you heard it.

Never buy a car you can’t push.

“When you starve with a tiger, the tiger starves last”. — Griffin’s Thought

Where do you find an Irish woodworm? Dead inside a brick.

A person who smiles in the face of adversity... probably has a scapegoat.

“Are you going to come quietly, or do I have to use earplugs?”—Vale Spike Milligan

I hope that after I die, people will say of me: “That guy sure owed me a lot of money.”

Eschew obfuscation.

Velcro — what a rip off!

I don’t enjoy computer jokes; not one bit.

We waste time, so you don’t have to.

Well, this day was a total waste of makeup.

I intend to live forever – so far, so good.

My girlfriend told me I should be more affectionate. So I got two more girlfriends.

If the world should blow itself up, the last audible voice would be that of an expert saying it can’t be done.

How did Moses make his tea? Hebrews it.

Nobody can be exactly like me. Even I have trouble doing it.

You can always spot a well-informed man – his views are the same as yours.

If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?

Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian any more than going to the garage makes you a car.

I wonder how much deeper would the ocean be without sponges.

My favorite mythical creature? The honest politician.

I changed my iPod’s name to Titanic. It’s syncing now.

What Has Four Legs And An Arm? A Happy Pit Bull.

When a clock is hungry, it goes back four seconds.

Isn’t having a smoking section in a restaurant like having a peeing section in a swimming pool?

If you can’t convince them, confuse them.

Laugh and the world laughs with you; snore and you sleep alone.

“How can a president not be an actor?” – when asked “How could an actor become president?” – Ronald Reagan

Democracy is a process by which people are free to choose the man who will get the blame.

I’d give my right arm to be ambidextrous.

Advertisement for donkey rides in Thailand: Would you like to ride on your own ass?

I live in my own little world, but it’s ok they know me here.

“Every mighty oak was once just a nut who stood his ground.”

Knowledge is the key, but where is the damn lock?

A backwards poet writes inverse.

“They say hard work never hurt anybody, but I figure why take the chance.” – Ronald Reagan

When in trouble, fear or doubt, run in circles, scream and shout.

History will be kind to me for I intend to write it. – Winston Churchill

Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7th of your life.

Succeed in spite of management. Aim Low; Reach Your Goals, Avoid Disappointment.

“#define QUESTION ((bb) || !(bb))” — Shakespeare

He often broke into song because he couldn’t find the key.

The light at the end of the tunnel has been turned off due to budget cuts.

Am I getting smart with you? How would you know?

Englishmen never will be slaves: they are free to do whatever the Government and public opinion allow them to do.

It’s bad luck to be superstitious.

Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.

Every morning is the dawn of a new error.

Better to remain silent and be thought a fool, than to speak and remove all doubt.

I used to think I was indecisive, but now I’m not sure.

Don’t Be Sexist – Broads Hate That.

Accept that some days you’re the pigeon, and some days you’re the statue.

The beatings will continue until morale improves.

“Thinking is the hardest work there is, which is probably why so few engage in it”. — Henry Ford

Help Wanted: Telepath. You know where to apply.

It is not my interest to pay the principal, nor my principal to pay the interest.

I think, therefore I am single.

Gossip: The art of saying nothing while leaving nothing unsaid.

Mental Floss prevents Moral Decay.

Plagiarism saves time.

Cheerfulness is contagious, but don’t wait to catch it from others. Be a carrier.

Seen it all, done it all, can’t remember most of it.

I envy people who drink – at least they know what to blame everything on.

I don’t necessarily agree with everything I say.

Be nice to your kids. They’ll choose your nursing home.

Broken pencils are pointless.

He does the work of three men: Larry, Moe and Curly.

Don’t use a big word where a diminutive one will suffice.

There’s a difference between being open-minded and having a hole in your head

Someone sent me a postcard picture of the earth. On the back it said, “Wish you were here.”

A conscience does not prevent sin. It only prevents you from enjoying it.

Hemp is a herb. Bush is a dope.

Life is far too important to be taken seriously.

Democracy is a government where you can say what you think even if you don’t think.

I tried sniffing Coke once, but the ice cubes got stuck in my nose.

Computers make it easy to do a lot of things, but most of the things that make it easier to do don’t need to be done.

When you do not know what you are doing, do it neatly.

Cab drivers are living proof that practice does not make perfect.

TEAMWORK... means never having to take all the blame yourself.

I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.

Insanity is hereditary; you can get it from your children.

Time’s fun when you’re having flies... Kermit the Frog

Always do sober what you said you’d do drunk. That will teach you to keep your mouth shut.

Age is a question of mind over matter. If you don’t mind, it don’t matter.

In the office of a Roman doctor: Specialist in women and other diseases.

A dyslexic man walks into a bra.

It’s easy to quit smoking... I’ve done it over 10,000 times.

When all other means of communication fail, try words.

At the age of six I wanted to be a cook. At seven I wanted to be Napoleon. And my ambition has been growing steadily ever since.

Compromise: the art of dividing a cake so that everybody believes he or she got the biggest piece.

It used to be only death and taxes were inevitable. Now, of course, there’s shipping and handling, too.

Two signs from a Majorcan shop entrance: English well speaking / Here speeching American.

People with narrow minds usually have broad tongues.

My one regret in life is that I am not someone else.

Five out of four people have trouble with fractions.

Be kind to your dentist. He has fillings, too.

Bachelors know more about women than married men; if they didn’t they’d be married too.

Never put off until tomorrow what you can avoid altogether.

I have a simple philosophy. Fill what’s empty. Empty what’s full. Scratch where it itches.

I’m quite easy to get along with, once you learn to beckon at my every call and yield to all my desires.

If we don’t succeed, we run the risk of failure.

Procrastinate Now!

Make sure your mind isn’t so open that your brains fall out.

If you think nobody cares if you’re alive, try missing a couple of car payments.

If life was fair, Elvis would be alive and all the impersonators would be dead.

Just because you’re not paranoid doesn’t mean they’re not out to get you.

Consciousness: that annoying time between naps.

If money talks, it ain’t on speakin’ terms with me.

I have had more trouble with myself than with any other man I’ve met.

“Inconceivable!” “I do not think that word means what you think it means.”

“A patriot must always be ready to defend his country against his government”. — Edward Abbey

Horn broken. Watch for finger. (on bumper sticker)

I heard a man say that brigands demand your money or your life, whereas women require both.

“If builders built buildings the way programmers write programs, then the first woodpecker that came along would destroy civilization” — Weinberg’s Second Law.

A bird does not sing because it has an answer—it sings because it has a song.

If you don’t learn to laugh at troubles, you won’t have anything to laugh at when you grow old.

The amount of work to be done increases in proportion to the amount of work already completed. — VAIL’S SECOND AXIOM

There are very few personal problems that cannot be solved through a suitable application of high explosives.

By the time a man realises that his father was right, he has a son who thinks he’s wrong.

Don’t marry for money. You can borrow it cheaper.

“Heavier-than-air flying machines are impossible.” — Lord Kelvin, president, Royal Society, 1895.

I hate women because they always know where things are.

The more time you spend in reporting on what you are doing, the less time you have to do it in. Stability is achieved when you spend all your time doing nothing but reporting on the nothing you are doing.

I love cats – they taste just like chicken.

My life has a superb cast but I can’t figure out the plot.

Democracy is the recurrent suspicion that more than half of the people are right more than half of the time.

There are two types of people in this world, good and bad. The good sleep better, but the bad seem to enjoy the waking hours much more.

If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?

Don’t use a big word where a diminutive one will suffice.

There is nothing so annoying as to have two people go right on talking when you’re interrupting.

The shortest distance between two points is under construction.

Keyboard not detected. Press F1 to continue

Any ship can be a minesweeper... once.

Stupidity is not a handicap! Park somewhere else!

“Auntie Em: hate you, hate Kansas, taking the dog.” – Dorothy

If people concentrated on the really important things in life, there’d be a shortage of fishing poles.

Everybody is ignorant, only on different subjects.

Streakers beware: Your end is in sight.

It’s not that I’m afraid to die; I just don’t want to be there when it happens.

The trouble with our times is that the future is not what it used to be.

Moderation in all things, including moderation.

PMS jokes aren’t funny. Period.

Constipated People Don’t Give A Crap.

I am a nobody, nobody is perfect, therefore I’m perfect.

If it’s 0 degrees today and it’s going to be twice as cold tomorrow... how cold will it be?

Man who run behind car get exhausted.

Women like silent men. They think they’re listening.

Don’t stop to stomp on ants when the elephants are stampeding.

There are 3 kinds of people: those who can count and those who can’t.

Proofread carefully to see if you any words out.

Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?

Modesty is a virtue of fools.

If it’s true that we are here to help others, then what exactly are the others here for?

Ours is a world where people don’t know what they want and are willing to go through hell to get it.

I’m reading a book about anti-gravity. I can’t put it down.

Heck is where people go who don’t believe in gosh.

Sometimes I wake up grumpy; other times I let her sleep

Why were the Indians here first? They had reservations.

Killed - Personality Incompatibility

The sooner you fall behind the more time you’ll have to catch up.

Anything not nailed down is a cat toy.

Shin: a device for finding furniture in the dark.

“You start coding. I’ll go find out what they want.” — Computer analyst to programmer

Age is a very high price to pay for maturity.

“I’ve noticed that everyone who is for abortion has already been born.” – Ronald Reagan

Early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.

I thought I made a mistake once, but I was wrong.

Marriage is a three-ring circus: engagement ring, wedding ring, and suffering.

Men are from earth. Women are from earth. Deal with it.

The things that come to those that wait may be the things left by those who got there first.

Anything’s possible... apart from skiing through a revolving door.

Where you stand depends on where you sit.

Be thankful for problems. If they were less difficult, someone with less ability might have your job.

Optimists believe we live on the greatest world. Pessimists believe this is true.

The trouble with the rat race is that even if you win, you’re still a rat.

I married my wife for her looks... but not the ones she’s been giving me lately!

If a woman has to choose between catching a fly ball and saving an infant’s life, she will choose to save the infant’s life without even considering if there is a man on base.—Dave Barry

Get a new car for your spouse – it’ll be a great trade!

Hypochondria is the only disease I haven’t got.

“There is no reason anyone would want a computer in their home.” — Ken Olson, founder of Digital Equipment Corp., 1977.

Go the extra mile. It makes your boss look like an incompetent slacker.

Cleverly Disguised As A Responsible Adult.

Half our life is spent trying to find something to do with the time we have rushed through life trying to save.

Is there life before death?

The short fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.

Smith & Wesson — the original point and click interface.

“Few things are harder to put up with than a good example.”—Mark Twain

This Would Be Really Funny If It Weren’t Happening To Me.

If you try and don’t succeed, cheat. Repeat until caught. Then lie.

I don’t suffer from stress. I’m a carrier.

Abel Tasman on discovering Tasmania, “Too far south for spices and too close to the rim of the earth to be inhabited by anything but freaks and monsters”

Some people say that I must be a horrible person, but that’s not true. I have the heart of a young boy – in a jar on my desk.

What happens if you get scared half to death twice?

The most precious thing we have is life. Yet it has absolutely no trade-in value.

My husband says I never listen to him (at least I think that’s what he said)

Age always corresponds inversely to the size of your multivitamin.

The best computer is a man, and it’s the only one that can be mass-produced by unskilled labour.

Work: It isn’t just for sleeping anymore.

Some people are going to leave a mark on this world, while others will leave a stain.

My mind works like lightning. One brilliant flash and it is gone.

When he first ran for office, he appealed to the voters: “I never stole anything in my life. All I ask is a chance.”

A drop of ink may make a million think.

I had some words with my wife, and she had some paragraphs with me.

I work hard because millions on welfare depend on me.

One of the greatest labour-saving inventions today is tomorrow.

You’re not drunk if you can lie on the floor without holding on.

I’d like to see things your way, but I’m looking in another direction.

I’d explain it to you, but your brain would explode.

“I would like to live in Manchester, England. The transition between Manchester and death would be unnoticeable”. — Mark Twain

England has no kidney bank, but it does have a Liverpool.

Snowmen fall from Heaven unassembled.

They told me I had type A blood, but it was a Type O

An egotist has one point in his favour – he doesn’t go round talking about other people.

Anywhere is walking distance, if you’ve got the time.

“I have left orders to be awakened at any time in case of national emergency – even if I’m in a Cabinet meeting.” – Ronald Reagan

Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy.

What do you call a dinosaur with an extensive vocabulary? A thesaurus.

It is wiser to find out than to suppose.—Mark Twain

If someone with multiple personalities threatens suicide... is it considered a hostage situation?

What if there were no hypothetical questions?

If you do not make dust, you eat dust.

“There are two major products that come out of Berkeley: LSD and UNIX. We don’t believe this to be a coincidence.” — Jeremy S. Anderson

They say if you play a Microsoft CD backwards you hear satanic messages. That’s nothing, if you play it forwards it installs Windows.

I fear my inferiority complex is not as good as yours.

Money is better than poverty, if only for financial reasons.

One martini is all right, two is too many, and three is not enough.

Every time I look at you I get a fierce desire to be lonesome.

Men occasionally stumble over the truth, but most of them pick themselves up and hurry off as if nothing had happened. – Winston Churchill

I don’t approve of political jokes... I’ve seen too many of them get elected.

An Irish man was driving to the airport when he saw a sign saying ‘Airport – Left’... So he went home.

Pick your friends but not to pieces.

To define recursion, we must first define recursion.

Comedy is tragedy plus time.

On the keyboard of life, always keep one finger on the escape key.

“How come we choose from just two people to run for president and 50 for Miss America?”

I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.

You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.

Experience is something you do not get until just after you need it.

“I’d rather have a bottle in front of me, than a frontal lobotomy”. — Tom Waits

Support bacteria – they’re the only culture some people have.

I’m not into working out. My philosophy: No pain, no pain.

If the human brain were so simple that we could understand it, we would be so simple we couldn’t.

Everybody is ignorant, only on different subjects.

Life is complex: it has real and imaginary parts.

To succeed in politics, it is often necessary to rise above your principles.

“People who drink light beer don’t like the taste of beer; they just like to pee a lot” — Rodney Dangerfield

“On two occasions I have been asked [by members of Parliament!]: ‘Pray, Mr. Babbage, if you put into the machine wrong figures, will the right answers come out ?’ I am not able rightly to apprehend the kind of confusion of ideas that could provoke such a question.” — Charles Babbage.

I think animal testing is a terrible idea; they get all nervous and give the wrong answers.

A synonym is a word you use when you can’t spell the word you first thought of.

The human brain is a wonderful thing. It starts working the moment you are born, and never stops until you stand up to speak in public.

Tips for Vegetarians: Hit a chicken enough times and it turns into a vegetable.

Does your train of thought have a caboose?

Caution – Driver Legally Blonde!

Leftists are among the first to speak of their rights.

Jack and Jill did it for the insurance.

I have gone to look for myself, if I should return before I get back, keep me here.

No problem is so big and complicated that it can’t be ran away from.

Everything is possible; just not too probable.

Confidence is the feeling you have before you understand the situation

I took a speed reading course and read ‘War and Peace’ in twenty minutes. It involves Russia. Enough women for four.

If you don’t know where you are going, you might wind up someplace else.

The trouble with jogging is that, by the time you realise you’re not in shape for it, it’s far too far to walk back.

Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.

I think that’s how Chicago got started. A bunch of people in New York said, “Gee, I’m enjoying the crime and the poverty, but it just isn’t cold enough. Let’s go west.”—Richard Jeni

Cheer up, the worst is yet to come.

We Quit Voting Will They All Go Away?

“The generation of random numbers is too important to be left to chance.” — Robert R. Coveyou, Oak Ridge National Laboratory.

A bargain is something you don’t need at a price you can’t resist.

If you want a committed man, look in a mental hospital.

If I were someone who knew something, who could I tell that would believe me?

They say you only use ten percent of your brain. What about the other ten?

Sex on television can’t hurt you unless you fall off.

There are two kinds of people, those who finish what they start, and so on.

I stayed up all night to see where the sun went. Then it dawned on me.

On the other hand you have different fingers.

Success always occurs in private, and failure in full public view.

I have the body of a GOD – Buddha.

Anything that can become tangled around something else, will.

Artificial Intelligence is no match for Natural Stupidity.

A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat.

Sometimes I think the surest sign that intelligent life exists elsewhere in the universe is that none of it has tried to contact us.

If at first you don’t succeed, destroy all the evidence that you tried.

Acupuncture is a jab well done.

As a final incentive before giving up a difficult task, try to imagine it successfully accomplished by someone you violently dislike.

Age is an issue of mind over matter. If you don’t mind, it doesn’t matter.

If it weren’t for the last minute, nothing would ever get done.

I’m sorry; you cannot have an outlook on life because it isn’t responding. Microsoft apologises for any inconvenience.

As the light changed from red to green to yellow and back to red again, I sat there thinking about life. Was it nothing more than a bunch of honking and yelling? Sometimes it seemed that way.

Character is what you are in the dark.

For Sale: Parachute. Only used once, never opened, small stain.

Humour. It is a difficult concept. It is not logical.

My mind not only wanders, sometimes it leaves completely.

If it weren’t for electricity we’d all be watching television by candlelight?

Remember, half the people you know are below average.

Most vegetarians look so much like the food they eat that they can be classified as cannibals.

Men have a much better time of it than women; for one thing, they marry later; for another thing they die earlier.

There’s a fine line between genius and insanity. I have erased this line.

It is well to remember the entire population of the universe, with one trifling exception, is composed of others.

I often quote myself; it adds spice to my conversation.

In a Copenhagen airline ticket office: We take your bags and send them in all directions.

Anything not nailed down is mine. Anything I can pry loose is not nailed down.

I started out with nothing, and I still have most of it.

One good thing about repeating your mistakes is that you know when to cringe.

Anyone can admit they were wrong; the true test is admitting it to someone else.

Chaos, panic, & disorder – my work here is done.

After all is said and done, more is said than done.

Maybe I’m lucky to be going so slowly, because I may be going in the wrong direction.

INDECISION is the key to FLEXIBILITY.

Being single is like a vacuum. It sucks when you are turned on.

Why is it called tourist season if we can’t shoot at them?

Macho Law prohibits me from admitting I’m wrong.

The early bird gets the worm, but the early worm gets eaten.

Some pain is physical, and some is mental, but one that’s both is dental.

A penny saved is a Congressional spending oversight.

Everyone hates me because I’m paranoid.

If the French were really intelligent, they’d speak English.

Being in the army is like being in the Boy Scouts, except that the Boy Scouts have adult supervision.

The secret of success is sincerity. Once you can fake that you’ve got it made.

How do you know if a fish is Irish? It has drowned.

God must love stupid people, he made so many.

“The best thing about the future is that it comes only one day at a time.” – Abraham Lincoln

It has recently been discovered that research causes cancer in rats.

Man does not live by words alone, despite the fact that sometimes he has to eat them.

Mind like a steel trap – rusty and illegal in most states.

Love is blind, but marriage is a real eye-opener.

Somewhere on this globe, every ten seconds, is a woman giving birth to a child. She must be found and stopped.

I always wanted to be somebody, but I should have been more specific.

He who trains his tongue to quote the learned sages, will be known far and wide as a smart ass.

I Haven’t Lost My Mind, It’s Backed Up On Disk Somewhere.

Time is God’s way of keeping everything from happening at once.

There are 10 types of people in the world: Those who understand binary, and those who don’t.

A pessimist is a man who has been compelled to live with an optimist

Promises are like babies: fun to make, but hell to deliver.

Show me a piano falling down a mineshaft and I’ll show you A-flat minor.

I majored in liberal arts. Will that be for here or to go?

“I believe in equality for everyone, except reporters and photographers”. — Gandhi

Of course, we are all worms—but I like to think, at least, that I am a glow-worm. – Winston Churchill

This comment is printed on 100% recycled electrons.

Applying computer technology is simply finding the right wrench to pound in the correct screw.

“If women didn’t exist, all the money in the world would have no meaning.” – Aristotle Onassis

A printer consists of three main parts: the case, the jammed paper tray and the blinking red light

The only difference between Genius and Insanity... is success.

The chance of a piece of bread falling with the buttered side down is directly proportional to the cost of the carpet.

Everything you like is bad for you in some way.

If At First You Don’t Succeed... Blame Someone Else And Seek Counseling.

If automobiles had followed the same development cycle as the computer, a Rolls Royce would today cost $100, get a million miles per gallon, and explode once a year, killing everyone inside.

The second day of a diet is alway easier than the first. By the second day, you’re off it.

A great many people think they are thinking when they are merely rearranging their prejudices.

On the plus side, death is one of the few things that can be done just as easily as lying down.

Half of being smart is knowing what you are dumb at.

Eagles may soar, but weasels don’t get sucked into jet engines.

Plan to be spontaneous tomorrow.

This mind intentionally left blank

The man who fell into an upholstery machine is fully recovered.

Just because your head is the biggest doesn’t mean it contains the right ideas.

Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don’t.

He’s not dead, he’s electroencephalographically challenged.

Politicians are people who, when they see the light at the end of the tunnel, go out and buy more tunnel.

A hangover is the wrath of grapes.

Murphy’s Golden Rule: Whoever has the gold makes the rules.

I have kleptomania, but when it gets bad, I take something for it. ~ Robert Benchle

I don’t believe in astrology. I am a Sagittarius and we’re very skeptical. ~ Arthur C. Clarke

If all you have is a hammer, everything looks like a nail.

I Refuse To Have A Battle Of Wits With An Unarmed Person.

Last night I lay in bed looking up at the stars in the sky and I thought to myself, “Where the heck is the ceiling?”

“When in doubt tell the truth.”—Mark Twain

An egotist is a person of low taste—more interested in himself than in me.

Anger is only one letter away from danger.

When I was young, I could remember anything. Whether it happened or not.

I love being married. It’s so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.

Vote for the man who promises least; he’ll be the least disappointing.

Why is it that to stop Windows, you have to click on “Start”?

IRS: We’ve got what it takes to take what you’ve got.

If puns were outlawed, only outlaws would have puns.

Statistics are like bikinis – What they reveal is suggestive, but what they conceal is vital.

Everybody lies, but it doesn’t matter since nobody listens.

All the toilets in New York’s police stations have been stolen. The police have nothing to go on.

I spent most of my money on booze, drugs and women... The rest I wasted!

Quantum: Noun, word used to sound like I know what I’m talking about while discussing physics I’ve never actually studied.

I thought I wanted a career, turns out I just wanted paychecks.

“I have never let my schooling interfere with my education.”—Mark Twain

Everybody has a photographic memory. Some don’t have film.

Errors have been made. Others will be blamed.

From the moment I picked your book up until I laid it down I was convulsed with laughter. Some day I intend reading it.

If you can’t beat your computer at chess, try kickboxing.

Programmer – A red-eyed, mumbling mammal capable of conversing with inanimate objects.

I either want less corruption, or more chance to participate in it.

When life hands you a lemon, make lemonade.

Solitude is fine, but you need someone to tell you that solitude is fine.

Sheep don’t fly so much as plummet.

I was the next door kid’s imaginary friend.

If at first you don’t succeed, try, try again. Then quit. There’s no use being a damned fool about it.

If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?

If I have to work for an idiot, I might as well work for myself.

“Managing senior programmers is like herding cats” — Dave Platt.

Smoking cures weight problems...eventually...

A soldier who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran.

If at first you do succeed, try to hide your astonishment.

Wine divulges truth.

“You can always count on Americans to do the right thing—after they’ve tried everything else” – Winston Churchill

Having more money doesn’t make you happier. I have 50 million dollars but I’m just as happy as when I had 48 million. ~ Arnold Schwarzenegger.

“Reading computer manuals without the hardware is as frustrating as reading sex manuals without the software.” — Arthur C. Clarke.

“I am not worried about the deficit. It is big enough to take care of itself.” – Ronald Reagan

If I were two-faced, would I be wearing this one?

“Life is a waste of time, time is a waste of life, so get wasted all of the time and have the time of your life”. — Tom Waits

Pardon my driving, I am reloading.

Take my advice, I don’t use it anyway.

Any task worth doing was worth doing yesterday.

It doesn’t matter what temperature the room is; it’s always room temperature.

If at first you don’t succeed, try management.

Everyone needs belief in something. I believe I’ll have another beer.

According to recent study someone is run over by a car every 5 minutes in the city. You’d think the guy would have enough sense to get out of the street.

You can’t have everything. Where would you put it?

“If carrots are so good for the eyes, how come I see so many dead rabbits on the highway?”

I’m out of my mind, but feel free to leave a message.

We must believe in free will, we have no choice.

If a job is worth doing well get someone else to do it.

“I could tell that my parents hated me. My bath toys were a toaster and a radio” — Rodney Dangerfield

The fellow who thinks he knows it all is especially annoying to those of us who do.

I’m desperately trying to figure out why kamikaze pilots wore helmets.

The sooner you fall behind the more time you’ll have to catch up.

Where there’s a will, I want to be in it.

“My computer NEVER loc

I got a job at a bakery because I kneaded dough.

“This ‘telephone’ has too many shortcomings to be seriously considered as a means of communication.” — Western Union internal memo, 1876.

“A girl phoned me the other day and said... Come on over, there’s nobody home. I went over. Nobody was home” — Rodney Dangerfield

If vegetable oil comes from vegetables, where does baby oil come from?

You look like a million dollars. All green and wrinkled.

If you don’t know where you are going, you will wind up somewhere else.

A study in the Washington Post says that women have better verbal skills than men. I just want to say to the authors of that study: “Duh.”— Conan O’Brien

Borrow money from pessimists- they don’t expect to get it back.

You can say any foolish thing to a dog, and the dog will give you a look that says, “My God, you’re right! I never would’ve thought of that!”

There’s a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot.

If you don’t pay your exorcist you get repossessed.

Next time you wave, use all your fingers.

If trees could scream, would we be so cavalier about cutting them down? We might, if they screamed all the time, for no good reason.

“War does not determine who is right - only who is left.” – Bertrand Russell

Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.

I’m not dumb; I just have a command of thoroughly useless information.

In this world, nothing is certain but death and taxes. – Benjamin Franklin

If sex is such a natural phenomenon, how come there are so many books on how to do it.

Booze is the answer. I don’t remember the question.

If you want your spouse to listen and pay strict attention to every word you say, talk in your sleep.

People can be divided into three groups: Those who make things happen, those who watch things happen, and those who wonder what happened.

Love is like an hourglass, with the heart filling up as the brain empties.

All my life, I always wanted to be somebody. Now I see that I should have been more specific.

There are only three kinds of people; people who can count and people who can’t.

Jokes about German sausage are the wurst.

111,111,111 x 111,111,111 = 12,345,678,987,654,321

Eagles may soar, but weasels don’t get sucked into jet engines.

If quizzes are quizzical, what are tests?

I love deadlines. I especially like the whooshing sound they make as they go flying by.

I used to find him boring until I stopped listening.

I take everything I can for my kleptomania.

If a man opens a car door for a woman, either the car is new or the woman.

He’s so lazy. I’ve seen him step into a revolving door and wait.

Marriage changes passion... suddenly you’re in bed with a relative.

In a Rome laundry: Ladies, leave your clothes here and spend the afternoon having a good time.

I installed a skylight in my apartment. The people who live above me are furious.

Doctor, Doctor You’ve got to help me – I just can’t stop my hands shaking. Do you drink a lot? Not really – I spill most of it!

No sense being pessimistic, it probably wouldn’t work anyway.

Why don’t you ever see the headline “Psychic Wins Lottery”?

Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?

Money can’t buy happiness, but it sure makes misery easier to live with.

Slow is when someone laps you in the hundred-yard dash

How do I set a laser printer to stun?

“Your mouse has moved. Windows must be restarted for the change to take effect. Reboot now ? [OK]”

The only reason some people get lost in thought is because it’s unfamiliar territory.

The surprising thing about young fools is how many survive to become old fools.

Red Tape Holds Up New Bridge!

Man who eat many prunes get good run for money.

I’m not afraid of heights, only widths.

e=mc^2 where m = the number of cooks required to spoil the broth

Well if this is the wrong number, why did you answer it?

He who smiles in a crisis has found someone to blame.

What does a clock do when it’s hungry? It goes back four seconds.

The art of flying is to throw yourself at the ground and miss.

I can resist everything except temptation.

Friends may come and go, but enemies accumulate

It’s not true that married men live longer than single men. It only seems longer.

Youth is a wonderful thing. What a crime to waste it on children.

I wished the buck stopped here, as I could use a few.

My parents stayed together for forty years, but that was out of spite.

Restarting System - Mouse Moved

I’m an apathetic sociopath – I’d kill you if I cared.

If ever I get married again it would have to be under an anaesthetic.

I like to start my periods with sentences.

Prediction is extremely difficult. Especially about the future.

When your IQ reaches 80 –– sell.

Plato is dead, Einstein is dead, and I’m not feeling too good myself...

The day I can’t do my job drunk is the day I turn in my badge and gun.

“Hey, I’ve got reasons for what I’m doing,” REALLY MEANS, “I sure hope I think of some pretty soon.”

Brain: an apparatus with which we think we think.

Illiterate? Write For Help.

Get even – live long enough to be a problem to your kids.

“C++ : Where friends have access to your private members.” — Gavin Russell Baker.

Blessed are those who can laugh at themselves, they will never cease to be amused.

“Always be sincere, even when you don’t mean it”. — Irene Peter

“As a matter of fact” is an expression that precedes many an expression that isn’t.

For people who like peace and quiet – a phoneless cord.

Nick Overruled - Democratic Majority Decision

I like children. Properly cooked.

Needing someone is like needing a parachute. If he isn’t there the first time you need him, chances are you won’t be needing him again.

The world is full of willing people; some willing to work, the rest willing to let them.

“My wife made me join a bridge club. I jump off next Tuesday” — Rodney Dangerfield

Bigamy is having one wife too many. Monogamy is the same. – Oscar Wilde

“I think there is a world market for maybe five computers.” — Thomas Watson, chairman of IBM, 1943.

“You, you and you: panic. The rest of you, come with me.”

Why does Sea World have a seafood restaurant? I’m halfway through my fish burger and I realize, Oh my gosh... I could be eating a slow learner.

If you don’t know why I’m mad at you, then I’m certainly not going to tell you

Partying... oops No Only Parting... sorry

When Chemists die, they barium.

Experience is simply the name we give our mistakes.

I used to be a Kleptomaniac, But now I’m taking something for it

When angry count four, when very angry, swear.

Technology is a way of organizing the universe so that man doesn’t have to experience it.

It is a fitting irony that under Richard Nixon, ‘launder’ became a dirty word.

You have to stay in shape. My grandmother, she started walking five miles a day when she was 60. She’s 97 today and we don’t know where the hell she is.

Hope sees the invisible, feels the intangible and achieves the impossible.

Not all men are annoying. Some are dead.

Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?

Always remember you’re unique, just like everyone else.

“Oh dear,” said God, “I hadn’t thought of that,” and promptly vanished in a puff of logic.

I don’t have an attitude problem. You have a perception problem.

What do you call a dinosaur with an extensive vocabulary? A thesaurus.

When I was a boy I was told that anybody could become president; I’m beginning to believe it.

Brilliant, but with the social skills of a thermonuclear device.

“Everyday I beat my own previous record for number of consecutive days I’ve stayed alive.”

When in doubt, mumble.

I am not a vegetarian because I love animals; I am a vegetarian because I hate plants.

The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.

Under capitalism, man exploits man. Under Communism, it’s just the opposite.

Climbers aim for the summit because it is there. Bungi jumpers dive off the top because they aren’t all there.

I took an IQ test and the results were negative.

When you come to a fork in the road, take it.

Hang in there; retirement is only thirty years away.

I used to be a banker, but then I lost interest.

The scientific theory I like best is that the rings of Saturn are composed entirely of lost airline luggage.

Stupidity is not a handicap. Park elsewhere!

Outside a Hong Kong tailor shop: Ladies may have a fit upstairs.

I haven’t spoken to my wife for 18 months: I don’t like to interrupt her.

If you can stay calm, while all around you is chaos... then you probably haven’t completely understood the situation.

Bachelors have consciences, married men have wives.

All men are equal. Some are just more equal than others.

Connection Reset - Insufficient Electrons

Some people are alive only because it’s illegal to kill them.

“Things are more like they are now than they ever were before.” – Former U.S. President Dwight D. Eisenhower

It is even harder for the average ape to believe that he has descended from man.

To find out a girl’s faults, praise her to her girl friends.

Save the whales. Collect the whole set.

There is no such thing as an underestimate of average intelligence

The trouble with life is there’s no background music.

I laugh in the face of danger, except if I’m involved.

What’s another word for Thesaurus?

If you choke a smurf, what colour does it turn?

Honk if you love peace and quiet.

“Einstein argued that there must be simplified explanations of nature, because God is not capricious or arbitrary. No such faith comforts the software engineer.” — Fred Brooks.

AIBOHPHOBIA – the fear of palindromes.

The earthquake in Washington obviously was the government’s fault.

Whenever people agree with me, I always feel I must be wrong.

Some people are alive only because it’s illegal to kill them.

The most powerful force in the universe is gossip.

If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?

It’s hard to face the problem, when the problem is your face.

Jokes about German sausage are the wurst.

Military intelligence is a contradiction in terms.

“The object of war is not to die for your country but to make the other bastard die for his.” – General George Patton

That which cannot be taken apart will fall apart.

It is hard to understand how a cemetery raised its burial charges and blamed it on the cost of living.

Never argue with an idiot. They drag you down to their level then beat you with experience.

In a Budapest zoo: Please do not feed the animals. If you have any suitable food, give it to the guard on duty.

Before you give a colleague a piece of your mind, be sure you can spare it.

Never underestimate the power of very stupid people in large groups.

Even crime wouldn’t pay if the government ran it.

A day without sun shine is like, you know, night.

A bird in the hand is safer than one overhead.

You’ll never get to heaven if you’re scared of getting high.

Without question, the greatest invention in the history of mankind is beer. Oh, I grant you that the wheel was also a fine invention, but the wheel does not go nearly as well with pizza.

Don’t look back. Something may be gaining on you.

Be careful when reading health books; you may die of a misprint.

I can please only one person per day. Today is not your day. Tomorrow isn’t looking good either.

Madness takes its toll. Please have exact change.

I know a guy who is addicted to brake fluid. He says he can stop anytime.

A conclusion is simply the place where you got tired of thinking.

You’re such an inspiration for the way I’ll never choose to be.

How do you spot an Irishman at a carwash? He’s the one on the bike.

Chipped dishes never break.

He who laughs last thinks slowest.

Raising teenagers is like trying to nail Jell-O to a tree.

Lord, if you won’t make me skinny, please make all my friends fat.

System Error - Windows Loaded

I have great faith in fools; my friends call it self-confidence.

Does this smell like chloroform to you?

A baby sitter is a teenager acting like an adult while the adults are out acting like teenagers.

It’s just a job. Grass grows, birds fly, waves pound the sand. I just beat people up. – Muhammad Ali

If you’re not confused, you’re not paying attention.

I am obviously right, and as you disagree with me, then logically you must be wrong.

Alcohol: the cause of, and solution to, all of life’s problems.

Ever stop to think and forget to start again?

I spilled spot remover on my dog. Now he’s gone.

Genius is 1% inspiration, and 99% perspiration.

99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.

Man who run in front of car get tired.

If a President doesn’t do it to his wife, he’ll do it to his country.

I like kids, but I don’t think I could eat a whole one.

Don’t be irreplaceable; if you cannot be replaced, you cannot be promoted.

If con is the opposite of pro, congress is the opposite of progress.

I have spent my whole life looking for the perfect woman, and now I’ve found her. Too bad she’s looking for the perfect man.

I’ve always wanted to be normal, but lately I’ve come to suspect that this is it.

A team effort is a lot of people doing what I say

I couldn’t repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.

We are going on a field trip to the Coca-Cola factory. I hope there are no pop quizzes.

I stayed up all night to see where the sun went. Then it dawned on me.

Did you hear about the cross-eyed teacher who lost her job because she couldn’t control her pupils?

I’m an idealist: I don’t know where I’m going, but I’m on my way.

My husband and I divorced over religious differences... He thought he was God and I didn’t.

Bacteria: the only culture some people have.

Haunted French pancakes give me the crêpes.

People who think they know everything are annoying to those of us who do.

My schoolmates would make love to anything that moved, but I never saw any reason to limit myself.

You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say will be misquoted then used against you.

“You have to be careful about being too careful” – Beryl Pfizer

If you’re not wasted, the day is.

Only a fool is astonished by the foolishness of humankind.

A procrastinator’s work is never done.

When I’m not in my right mind, my left mind gets pretty crowded

Laugh at your problems; everybody else does.

Authority makes some people grow – and others just swell.

You have the right to your opinions. I just don’t want to hear them.

Foolproof systems don’t take into account the ingenuity of fools.

“I worked in a pet shop and people kept asking how big I’d get” — Rodney Dangerfield

I used up all my sick days, so I’m calling in dead.

Honesty is the best policy, but insanity is a better defence.

I’m in no shape to exercise.

“I wish everyone was peaceful. Then I could take over the planet with a butter knife”—Dogbert

A poor excuse is like an old bucket; doesn’t matter what shape it is in, as long as it holds water.

In the beginning, God created earth and rested. Then God created man and rested. Then God created woman. Since then, neither God nor man has rested.

Always try to be modest and be proud of it!

“I’ve been on a calendar but I have never been on time” – Marilyn Monroe

If at first you don’t succeed, skydiving is not your sport.

Despite the cost of living it’s still very popular.

We spend the first twelve months of our children’s lives teaching them to walk and talk and the next twelve telling them to sit down and shut up.

Never go to a doctor whose office plants have died.

In the beginning, there was nothing. Then God said, “Let there be light,” and there was still nothing, but you could see it.

This girl said she recognized me from the vegetarian club, but I’d never met herbivore

If olive oil comes from olives, where does baby oil come from?

Why is the man that invests your money called a broker?

Years ago fairy tales began with “Once upon a time...” Now it’s “If I am elected...”

Cole’s Law: Thinly sliced cabbage.

Impotence: Nature’s Way Of Saying “No Hard Feelings”.

Eat a live toad first thing in the morning, and nothing worse can happen to you the rest of the day.

Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

I generally avoid temptation unless I can’t resist it.

Ninety-nine per cent of the people in the world are fools and the rest of us are in great danger of contagion.

Time flies like an arrow – fruit flies like a banana.

Money is flat and meant to be piled up. – Scottish Proverb

Nothing means nothing, but it isn’t really nothing because nothing is something that isn’t.

Living is not worth dying for.

If everything is coming your way, you are probably in the wrong lane.

Allow me to introduce my selves.

I did a theatrical performance about puns. It was a play on words.

You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They left a little note on the windscreen, it said ‘Parking Fine.’

It’s strange, isn’t it. You stand in the middle of a library and go aaaaagghhhh’ and everyone just stares at you. But you do the same thing on an aeroplane, and everyone joins in.

A dog that attends a flea circus most likely will steal the whole show.

A committee is a body that keeps minutes and wastes hours.

In democracy it’s your vote that counts. In feudalism it’s your count that votes.

What’s the definition of a will? (It’s a dead giveaway).

Warning: Dates in Calendar are closer than they appear.

Men’s faults are many, women have only two. Everything they say, and everything they do.

Why do we wash bath towels, aren’t we clean when we use them?

Marriage is not a word; it is a sentence.

A diplomatic husband said to his wife, how do you expect me to remember your birthday when you never look any older?

At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be “What is hell?” Come early and listen to our choir practice.

Shin: a device for finding furniture in the dark.

Who is General Failure and why is he reading my hard disk?

I get enough exercise just pushing my luck.

System Error - Windows Loaded

If you’re born again, do you have two bellybuttons?

“Always in motion the future is. Seasick it makes me. That’s why so green I am”. – Yoda

Life... I don’t get it...

We have two ends. One for sitting and one for thinking. Our success depends on which one we use most.

Why is it that doctors call what they do “practice”?

“Then he ran into my knife. He ran into my knife ten times.” – Chicago

Cluster bombing from B-52s is very, very accurate – the bombs always hit the ground.

All those who believe in psycho kinesis raise my hand.

Youth would be an ideal state if it came a little later in life.

Mines are equal opportunity weapons.

Energizer Bunny arrested: Charged with battery.

A bachelor is a man who comes to work from a different direction each morning.

“Reader, suppose you were an idiot. And suppose you were a member of Congress. But I repeat myself”. — Mark Twain

Lead us not into temptation. Just tell us where it is; we’ll find it.

I don’t like people who take drugs... Customs Officers for example.

Venison for dinner again? Oh deer!

I didn’t like my beard at first. Then it grew on me.

“This report, by its very length, defends itself against the risk of being read”. — Winston Churchill

A guy got arrested for playing the guitar. He was fingering a minor.

Progress was all right. Only it went on too long.

One day I will get this peer guy and reset his connection.

Before marriage, a man yearns for the woman he loves. After marriage, the ‘Y’ becomes silent.

“The web is a dominatrix. Every where I turn, I see little buttons ordering me to Submit.” — Nytwind.

Time is a great teacher, but unfortunately it kills all its pupils.

Honest criticism is hard to take, particularly from a relative, a friend, an acquaintance, or a stranger.

Instead of getting married again, I’m going to find a woman I don’t like and just give her a house.—Rod Stewart

Even paranoids have real enemies.

I dropped out of communism class because of lousy Marx.

If you can’t convince them, confuse them.

Everybody is somebody else’s weirdo.

“There are only two things that are infinite: the universe and human stupidity. And I’m not sure about the universe.” A. Einstein

Time sneaks up on you like a windshield on a bug.

I want to die peacefully in my sleep like my grandfather, not screaming in abject horror like his passengers.

Best way to get a man to do something, is to suggest they are too old for it.

I had amnesia once or twice.

If we learn by our mistakes, some of us are getting one hell of an education!

What hair color do they put on the driver’s licenses of bald men?

Connection Reset By Aboriginal With Wire Cutters

Bacteria: the only culture some people have.

“He has been given a large brain by mistake, since for him the spinal cord would fully suffice.” — Albert Einstein

The dumber people think you are, the more surprised they’re going to be when you kill them—Rodney Dangerfield

One should forgive one’s enemies, but not before they are hanged.

Blessed are the young, for they shall inherit the national debt.

If we aren’t supposed to eat animals, why are they made of meat?

There are three ways to get something done: do it yourself, hire someone, or forbid your kids to do it.

Lots of people know a good thing the minute the other fellow sees it first.

I tried to photograph the fog, but I mist.

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