Amusing Quotes & One-Liners — Ned Martin’s Amused

Amusing Quotes & One-Liners

Just because your head is the biggest doesn’t mean it contains the right ideas.

Well, this day was a total waste of makeup.

“My wife made me join a bridge club. I jump off next Tuesday” — Rodney Dangerfield

It is even harder for the average ape to believe that he has descended from man.

I’m not dumb; I just have a command of thoroughly useless information.

“They say hard work never hurt anybody, but I figure why take the chance.” – Ronald Reagan

Artificial Intelligence is no match for Natural Stupidity.

Age is a question of mind over matter. If you don’t mind, it don’t matter.

The only perfect science is hindsight.

Help Wanted: Telepath. You know where to apply.

A procrastinator’s work is never done.

I don’t enjoy computer jokes; not one bit.

You can always spot a well-informed man – his views are the same as yours.

When you get a bladder infection, urine trouble.

Man who drive like hell bound to get there.

“Banking establishments are more dangerous than standing armies”. — Thomas Jefferson

Some pain is physical, and some is mental, but one that’s both is dental.

Never put both feet in your mouth at the same time, because then you don’t have a leg to stand on.

No problem is so big and complicated that it can’t be ran away from.

For people who like peace and quiet – a phoneless cord.

If we don’t succeed, we run the risk of failure.

“I wish everyone was peaceful. Then I could take over the planet with a butter knife”—Dogbert

A bargain is something you don’t need at a price you can’t resist.

In the beginning, there was nothing. Then God said, “Let there be light,” and there was still nothing, but you could see it.

I hope that after I die, people will say of me: “That guy sure owed me a lot of money.”

I hate women because they always know where things are.

Originality is the fine art of remembering what you hear, but forgetting where you heard it.

Don’t use a big word where a diminutive one will suffice.

My life has a superb cast but I can’t figure out the plot.

I like to start my periods with sentences.

If At First You Don’t Succeed... Blame Someone Else And Seek Counseling.

You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say will be misquoted then used against you.

Booze is the answer. I don’t remember the question.

As the light changed from red to green to yellow and back to red again, I sat there thinking about life. Was it nothing more than a bunch of honking and yelling? Sometimes it seemed that way.

A bird does not sing because it has an answer—it sings because it has a song.

In a Budapest zoo: Please do not feed the animals. If you have any suitable food, give it to the guard on duty.

If quizzes are quizzical, what are tests?

Cab drivers are living proof that practice does not make perfect.

Sex on television can’t hurt you unless you fall off.

Cheerfulness is contagious, but don’t wait to catch it from others. Be a carrier.

IRS: We’ve got what it takes to take what you’ve got.

For Sale: Parachute. Only used once, never opened, small stain.

If you’re born again, do you have two bellybuttons?

When a clock is hungry, it goes back four seconds.

I intend to live forever – so far, so good.

I didn’t like my beard at first. Then it grew on me.

Don’t talk unless you can improve the silence.

Bachelors have consciences, married men have wives.

Brilliant, but with the social skills of a thermonuclear device.

Velcro — what a rip off!

An egotist has one point in his favour – he doesn’t go round talking about other people.

Man who run behind car get exhausted.

“I’ve noticed that everyone who is for abortion has already been born.” – Ronald Reagan

Despite the cost of living it’s still very popular.

Two strings walk into a bar. The first string says to the bartender, “Bartender, I’ll have a beer. u.5n$x5t?*&4ru!2[sACCErJ”. The second string says, “Pardon my friend, he isn’t NULL terminated”.

If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?

If people concentrated on the really important things in life, there’d be a shortage of fishing poles.

Ever stop to think and forget to start again?

We have two ends. One for sitting and one for thinking. Our success depends on which one we use most.

Where do you find an Irish woodworm? Dead inside a brick.

I take everything I can for my kleptomania.

“I have never let my schooling interfere with my education.”—Mark Twain

People who think they know everything are annoying to those of us who do.

The dumber people think you are, the more surprised they’re going to be when you kill them—Rodney Dangerfield

I love cats – they taste just like chicken.

Half our life is spent trying to find something to do with the time we have rushed through life trying to save.

Consciousness: that annoying time between naps.

When I’m not in my right mind, my left mind gets pretty crowded

I used to be a banker, but then I lost interest.

Ninety-nine per cent of the people in the world are fools and the rest of us are in great danger of contagion.

If you choke a smurf, what colour does it turn?

If all you have is a hammer, everything looks like a nail.

Never underestimate the power of very stupid people in large groups.

Seeing a murder on television...will help work off one’s antagonisms. And if you haven’t any antagonisms, the commercials will give you some.

Warning: Dates in Calendar are closer than they appear.

I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.

PMS jokes aren’t funny. Period.

Honest criticism is hard to take, particularly from a relative, a friend, an acquaintance, or a stranger.

Show me a piano falling down a mineshaft and I’ll show you A-flat minor.

Shin: a device for finding furniture in the dark.

I either want less corruption, or more chance to participate in it.

The most precious thing we have is life. Yet it has absolutely no trade-in value.

A conscience does not prevent sin. It only prevents you from enjoying it.

Don’t Be Sexist – Broads Hate That.

He who smiles in a crisis has found someone to blame.

I’ve always wanted to be normal, but lately I’ve come to suspect that this is it.

Pick your friends but not to pieces.

“Blink your eyelids periodically to lubricate your eyes.” — Page 16 of the HP “Environmental, Health Safety Handbook for Employees”.

Blessed are those who can laugh at themselves, they will never cease to be amused.

If we aren’t supposed to eat animals, why are they made of meat?

I Haven’t Lost My Mind, It’s Backed Up On Disk Somewhere.

Am I getting smart with you? How would you know?

I started out with nothing, and I still have most of it.

I know a guy who is addicted to brake fluid. He says he can stop anytime.

I live in my own little world, but it’s ok they know me here.

It’s not hard to meet expenses, they’re everywhere.

Comedy is tragedy plus time.

If a woman has to choose between catching a fly ball and saving an infant’s life, she will choose to save the infant’s life without even considering if there is a man on base.—Dave Barry

Alcohol: the cause of, and solution to, all of life’s problems.

He often broke into song because he couldn’t find the key.

Only a fool is astonished by the foolishness of humankind.

Why do we wash bath towels, aren’t we clean when we use them?

It is hard enough to remember my opinions, without also remembering my reasons for them!

If you’re not wasted, the day is.

I’m desperately trying to figure out why kamikaze pilots wore helmets.

A diplomatic husband said to his wife, how do you expect me to remember your birthday when you never look any older?

Not all men are annoying. Some are dead.

In the beginning, God created earth and rested. Then God created man and rested. Then God created woman. Since then, neither God nor man has rested.

Youth would be an ideal state if it came a little later in life.

The surprising thing about young fools is how many survive to become old fools.

It’s just a job. Grass grows, birds fly, waves pound the sand. I just beat people up. – Muhammad Ali

An Irish man was driving to the airport when he saw a sign saying ‘Airport – Left’... So he went home.

You can’t have everything. Where would you put it?

Any task worth doing was worth doing yesterday.

Constipated People Don’t Give A Crap.

I thought I made a mistake once, but I was wrong.

Succeed in spite of management. Aim Low; Reach Your Goals, Avoid Disappointment.

Be kind to your dentist. He has fillings, too.

Nothing means nothing, but it isn’t really nothing because nothing is something that isn’t.

Remember... Marriage is the number one cause of divorce. Statistically, 100% of all divorces started with marriage.

A day without sun shine is like, you know, night.

My schoolmates would make love to anything that moved, but I never saw any reason to limit myself.

System Error - Windows Loaded

Red Tape Holds Up New Bridge!

I’ve been trying for some time to develop a life style that doesn’t require my presence.

Man who run in front of car get tired.

I want to die peacefully in my sleep like my grandfather, not screaming in abject horror like his passengers.

I don’t necessarily agree with everything I say.

e=mc^2 where m = the number of cooks required to spoil the broth

Gossip: The art of saying nothing while leaving nothing unsaid.

Democracy is a process by which people are free to choose the man who will get the blame.

If you don’t pay your exorcist you get repossessed.

Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian any more than going to the garage makes you a car.

“People who drink light beer don’t like the taste of beer; they just like to pee a lot” — Rodney Dangerfield

I’m sorry; you cannot have an outlook on life because it isn’t responding. Microsoft apologises for any inconvenience.

“Reader, suppose you were an idiot. And suppose you were a member of Congress. But I repeat myself”. — Mark Twain

Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

Moderation in all things, including moderation.

If at first you don’t succeed, destroy all the evidence that you tried.

Why don’t you ever see the headline “Psychic Wins Lottery”?

A great many people think they are thinking when they are merely rearranging their prejudices.

When life hands you a lemon, make lemonade.

To find out a girl’s faults, praise her to her girl friends.

Last night I lay in bed looking up at the stars in the sky and I thought to myself, “Where the heck is the ceiling?”

Anyone can admit they were wrong; the true test is admitting it to someone else.

If someone with multiple personalities threatens suicide... is it considered a hostage situation?

On the plus side, death is one of the few things that can be done just as easily as lying down.

You’re such an inspiration for the way I’ll never choose to be.

Computers make it easy to do a lot of things, but most of the things that make it easier to do don’t need to be done.

If I were two-faced, would I be wearing this one?

Vote for the man who promises least; he’ll be the least disappointing.

I always wanted to be a procrastinator, never got around to it though.

Outside of a dog, a book is probably man’s best friend, and inside of a dog, it’s too dark to read.

Confidence is the feeling you have before you understand the situation.

By the time a man realises that his father was right, he has a son who thinks he’s wrong.

If a job is worth doing well get someone else to do it.

I don’t approve of political jokes... I’ve seen too many of them get elected.

Cleverly Disguised As A Responsible Adult.

“The generation of random numbers is too important to be left to chance.” — Robert R. Coveyou, Oak Ridge National Laboratory.

I used to think I was indecisive, but now I’m not sure.

Man who eat many prunes get good run for money.

“This ‘telephone’ has too many shortcomings to be seriously considered as a means of communication.” — Western Union internal memo, 1876.

Life is far too important to be taken seriously.

The most powerful force in the universe is gossip.

Technology is a way of organizing the universe so that man doesn’t have to experience it.

There are very few personal problems that cannot be solved through a suitable application of high explosives.

On the keyboard of life, always keep one finger on the escape key.

I don’t like people who take drugs... Customs Officers for example.

“When you starve with a tiger, the tiger starves last”. — Griffin’s Thought

The difference between a stepping-stone and a stumbling block can be when you see it.

Killed - Personality Incompatibility

The light at the end of the tunnel has been turned off due to budget cuts.

“Managing senior programmers is like herding cats” — Dave Platt.

Fundamentalism: Believe in a kind, loving God or we’ll kill you!

“Life is a waste of time, time is a waste of life, so get wasted all of the time and have the time of your life”. — Tom Waits

This girl said she recognized me from the vegetarian club, but I’d never met herbivore

Always try to be modest and be proud of it!

When in doubt, mumble.

Sheep don’t fly so much as plummet.

The earthquake in Washington obviously was the government’s fault.

Some people are alive only because it’s illegal to kill them.

“A patriot must always be ready to defend his country against his government”. — Edward Abbey

Insanity is hereditary; you can get it from your children.

“This report, by its very length, defends itself against the risk of being read”. — Winston Churchill

Doctor, Doctor I keep getting pains in the eye when I drink coffee. Have you tried taking the spoon out?

You’ll never get to heaven if you’re scared of getting high.

Nick Overruled - Democratic Majority Decision

Connection Reset - Insufficient Electrons

If the French were really intelligent, they’d speak English.

“I have left orders to be awakened at any time in case of national emergency – even if I’m in a Cabinet meeting.” – Ronald Reagan

Time sneaks up on you like a windshield on a bug.

If you think nobody cares if you’re alive, try missing a couple of car payments.

“If women didn’t exist, all the money in the world would have no meaning.” – Aristotle Onassis

Being a philosopher, I have a problem for every solution.

Anyone who told you to be yourself couldn’t have given you worse advice.

I love deadlines. I especially like the whooshing sound they make as they go flying by.

It’s strange, isn’t it. You stand in the middle of a library and go aaaaagghhhh’ and everyone just stares at you. But you do the same thing on an aeroplane, and everyone joins in.

Every time I look at you I get a fierce desire to be lonesome.

If con is the opposite of pro, congress is the opposite of progress.

One good turn gets most of the blankets.

I wished the buck stopped here, as I could use a few.

Why is it that to stop Windows, you have to click on “Start”?

“I could tell that my parents hated me. My bath toys were a toaster and a radio” — Rodney Dangerfield

A bird in the hand is safer than one overhead.

Love is blind, but marriage is a real eye-opener.

In elementary school, in case of fire, you have to line up quietly in a single file line from smallest to tallest. What is the logic? Do tall people burn slower?

In a Norwegian cocktail lounge: Ladies are requested not to have children in the bar.

Don’t take life too seriously—you’ll never get out of it alive.

“Then he ran into my knife. He ran into my knife ten times.” – Chicago

Mind like a steel trap – rusty and illegal in most states.

How do you keep an Irishman busy? Write P.T.O on both sides of a piece of paper.

Leftists are among the first to speak of their rights.

It is not what a teenager knows that bothers his parents. It is how he found out.

Partying... oops No Only Parting... sorry

“Einstein argued that there must be simplified explanations of nature, because God is not capricious or arbitrary. No such faith comforts the software engineer.” — Fred Brooks.

Before you give a colleague a piece of your mind, be sure you can spare it.

Lead us not into temptation. Just tell us where it is; we’ll find it.

Mental Floss prevents Moral Decay.

Honk if you love peace and quiet.

What does a clock do when it’s hungry? It goes back four seconds.

I’m not into working out. My philosophy: No pain, no pain.

Is Disney World the only people trap operated by a mouse?

I generally avoid temptation unless I can’t resist it.

Be thankful for problems. If they were less difficult, someone with less ability might have your job.

“Inconceivable!” “I do not think that word means what you think it means.”

I can please only one person per day. Today is not your day. Tomorrow isn’t looking good either.

I fear my inferiority complex is not as good as yours.

An Apple a day keeps the doctor away. But... an onion a day keeps everyone away.

If at first you don’t succeed, skydiving is not your sport.

Support bacteria – they’re the only culture some people have.

When your IQ reaches 80 –– sell.

Santa’s helpers are subordinate clauses.

If you can’t dazzle them with brilliance... just baffle them with bullsh*t.

Conscience is the inner voice warning us that someone may be looking.

I majored in liberal arts. Will that be for here or to go?

Perhaps you’re diagonally parked in a parallel universe?

If the human brain were so simple that we could understand it, we would be so simple we couldn’t.

Eat a live toad first thing in the morning, and nothing worse can happen to you the rest of the day.

“C++ : Where friends have access to your private members.” — Gavin Russell Baker.

There are 3 kinds of people: those who can count and those who can’t.

Someday we’ll look back on all this and plow into the back of a parked car.

My girlfriend told me I should be more affectionate. So I got two more girlfriends.

Bacteria: the only culture some people have.

If you can’t convince them, confuse them.

If it’s 0 degrees today and it’s going to be twice as cold tomorrow... how cold will it be?

Cheer up, the worst is yet to come.

Everybody is somebody else’s weirdo.

Why does Sea World have a seafood restaurant? I’m halfway through my fish burger and I realize, Oh my gosh... I could be eating a slow learner.

Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way when you criticize them, you are a mile away from them and you have their shoes.

“A girl phoned me the other day and said... Come on over, there’s nobody home. I went over. Nobody was home” — Rodney Dangerfield

Well, if I called the wrong number, why did you answer the phone?

It’s not true that married men live longer than single men. It only seems longer.

Procrastinate Now!

I majored in liberal arts. Will that be for here or to go?

Genius is 1% inspiration, and 99% perspiration.

Friends may come and go, but enemies accumulate

I’m an apathetic sociopath – I’d kill you if I cared.

Some people are alive only because it’s illegal to kill them.

Make sure your mind isn’t so open that your brains fall out.

Plagiarism saves time.

In a Rome laundry: Ladies, leave your clothes here and spend the afternoon having a good time.

Cole’s Law: Thinly sliced cabbage.

This comment is printed on 100% recycled electrons.

I don’t suffer from stress. I’m a carrier.

Time is God’s way of keeping everything from happening at once.

Success always occurs in private, and failure in full public view.

I was at a bar nursing a beer. My nipple was getting quite soggy.

The trouble with our times is that the future is not what it used to be.

If you can’t beat your computer at chess, try kickboxing.

Never buy a car you can’t push.

Even crime wouldn’t pay if the government ran it.

Who is General Failure and why is he reading my hard disk?

Early to rise, early to bed, makes a man healthy but socially dead.

Everyone hates me because I’m paranoid.

If you can’t be kind, at least have the decency to be vague.

Get even – live long enough to be a problem to your kids.

Why is the man that invests your money called a broker?

Caution – Driver Legally Blonde!

I took a speed reading course and read ‘War and Peace’ in twenty minutes. It involves Russia. Enough women for four.

Eagles may soar, but weasels don’t get sucked into jet engines.

I wondered why the baseball was getting bigger. Then it hit me.

Modesty is a virtue of fools.

Everybody has a photographic memory. Some don’t have film.

It has recently been discovered that research causes cancer in rats.

Living is not worth dying for.

One of the greatest labour-saving inventions today is tomorrow.

Why is it that doctors call what they do “practice”?

How can you come out of a closet if you never went in there in the first place?

I work hard because millions on welfare depend on me.

Solitude is fine, but you need someone to tell you that solitude is fine.

Five out of four people have trouble with fractions.

The only reason some people get lost in thought is because it’s unfamiliar territory.

It is said that if you line up all the cars in the world end to end, someone would be stupid enough to try and pass them.

Marriage is a three-ring circus: engagement ring, wedding ring, and suffering.

“On two occasions I have been asked [by members of Parliament!]: ‘Pray, Mr. Babbage, if you put into the machine wrong figures, will the right answers come out ?’ I am not able rightly to apprehend the kind of confusion of ideas that could provoke such a question.” — Charles Babbage.

“My computer NEVER loc

Foolproof systems don’t take into account the ingenuity of fools.

I spilled spot remover on my dog. Now he’s gone.

Nobody can be exactly like me. Even I have trouble doing it.

God must love stupid people, he made so many.

If at first you do succeed, try to hide your astonishment.

My husband and I divorced over religious differences... He thought he was God and I didn’t.

My reality check just bounced.

One should forgive one’s enemies, but not before they are hanged.

Of course, we are all worms—but I like to think, at least, that I am a glow-worm. – Winston Churchill

I’m quite easy to get along with, once you learn to beckon at my every call and yield to all my desires.

We’ve made great medical progress in the last generation. What used to be merely an itch is now an allergy.

I married Miss Right. I just didn’t know her first name was Always.

Being in the army is like being in the Boy Scouts, except that the Boy Scouts have adult supervision.

Time is a great teacher, but unfortunately it kills all its pupils.

Allow me to introduce my selves.

I plead contemporary insanity.

Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.

Get a new car for your spouse – it’ll be a great trade!

I love being married. It’s so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.

Better to remain silent and be thought a fool, than to speak and remove all doubt.

It’s not that I’m afraid to die; I just don’t want to be there when it happens.

Accept that some days you’re the pigeon, and some days you’re the statue.

“I believe in equality for everyone, except reporters and photographers”. — Gandhi

Proofread carefully to see if you any words out.

If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?

Everyone needs belief in something. I believe I’ll have another beer.

I envy people who drink – at least they know what to blame everything on.

If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?

Stupidity is not a handicap. Park elsewhere!

An egotist is a person of low taste—more interested in himself than in me.

Go the extra mile. It makes your boss look like an incompetent slacker.

The sooner you fall behind the more time you’ll have to catch up.

The best computer is a man, and it’s the only one that can be mass-produced by unskilled labour.

All the toilets in New York’s police stations have been stolen. The police have nothing to go on.

“As a matter of fact” is an expression that precedes many an expression that isn’t.

“He has been given a large brain by mistake, since for him the spinal cord would fully suffice.” — Albert Einstein

A committee is a body that keeps minutes and wastes hours.

It is a fitting irony that under Richard Nixon, ‘launder’ became a dirty word.

Keyboard not detected. Press F1 to continue

I think, therefore I am single.

To define recursion, we must first define recursion.

People don’t grow up; they just learn how to act in public.

Seen it all, done it all, can’t remember most of it.

I tried to photograph the fog, but I mist.

If you can stay calm, while all around you is chaos... then you probably haven’t completely understood the situation.

It is hard to understand how a cemetery raised its burial charges and blamed it on the cost of living.

A study in the Washington Post says that women have better verbal skills than men. I just want to say to the authors of that study: “Duh.”— Conan O’Brien

Chipped dishes never break.

Hemp is a herb. Bush is a dope.

Hang in there; retirement is only thirty years away.

Everybody is ignorant, only on different subjects.

Eagles may soar, but weasels don’t get sucked into jet engines.

“If builders built buildings the way programmers write programs, then the first woodpecker that came along would destroy civilization” — Weinberg’s Second Law.

Statistics are like bikinis – What they reveal is suggestive, but what they conceal is vital.

I changed my iPod’s name to Titanic. It’s syncing now.

I used to find him boring until I stopped listening.

“Reading computer manuals without the hardware is as frustrating as reading sex manuals without the software.” — Arthur C. Clarke.

I am free of all prejudices. I hate everyone equally.

Energizer Bunny arrested: Charged with battery.

I am amazed at radio DJ’s today. I am firmly convinced that AM on my radio stands for Absolute Moron. I will not begin to tell you what FM stands for.

I have noticed that the people who are late are often so much jollier that the people who have to wait for them.

Age is an issue of mind over matter. If you don’t mind, it doesn’t matter.

There is no such thing as an underestimate of average intelligence

Remember the teakettle; though up to its neck in hot water, it continues to sing.

I couldn’t repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.

If puns were outlawed, only outlaws would have puns.

Jokes about German sausage are the wurst.

Best way to get a man to do something, is to suggest they are too old for it.

Don’t marry for money. You can borrow it cheaper.

Outside a Hong Kong tailor shop: Ladies may have a fit upstairs.

Acupuncture is a jab well done.

A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat.

If you do not make dust, you eat dust.

There are only three kinds of people; people who can count and people who can’t.

Brain: an apparatus with which we think we think.

I don’t have a solution but I admire the problem.

If everything is coming your way, you are probably in the wrong lane.

“How can a president not be an actor?” – when asked “How could an actor become president?” – Ronald Reagan

A clean tie attracts the soup of the day.

The truth is a precious commodity. That’s why I use it so sparingly.

Anger is only one letter away from danger.

Plato is dead, Einstein is dead, and I’m not feeling too good myself...

They say you only use ten percent of your brain. What about the other ten?

Some people say that I must be a horrible person, but that’s not true. I have the heart of a young boy – in a jar on my desk.

You look like a million dollars. All green and wrinkled.

The trouble with life is there’s no background music.

I heard a man say that brigands demand your money or your life, whereas women require both.

Quantum mechanics: The dreams stuff is made of.

Youth is a wonderful thing. What a crime to waste it on children.

A poor excuse is like an old bucket; doesn’t matter what shape it is in, as long as it holds water.

“There are only two things that are infinite: the universe and human stupidity. And I’m not sure about the universe.” A. Einstein

Never argue with an idiot. They drag you down to their level then beat you with experience.

“The object of war is not to die for your country but to make the other bastard die for his.” – General George Patton

Confidence is the feeling you have before you understand the situation

Anywhere is walking distance, if you’ve got the time.

Some people are going to leave a mark on this world, while others will leave a stain.

If you don’t know why I’m mad at you, then I’m certainly not going to tell you

The art of flying is to throw yourself at the ground and miss.

It’s important to be open-minded, but not SO open-minded that your brains fall out.

AIBOHPHOBIA – the fear of palindromes.

If you want a committed man, look in a mental hospital.

It’s easy to quit smoking... I’ve done it over 10,000 times.

If you don’t learn to laugh at troubles, you won’t have anything to laugh at when you grow old.

A soldier who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran.

Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don’t.

“Heavier-than-air flying machines are impossible.” — Lord Kelvin, president, Royal Society, 1895.

Isn’t having a smoking section in a restaurant like having a peeing section in a swimming pool?

You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They left a little note on the windscreen, it said ‘Parking Fine.’

Having more money doesn’t make you happier. I have 50 million dollars but I’m just as happy as when I had 48 million. ~ Arnold Schwarzenegger.

There are two kinds of people, those who finish what they start, and so on.

The more time you spend in reporting on what you are doing, the less time you have to do it in. Stability is achieved when you spend all your time doing nothing but reporting on the nothing you are doing.

Money is flat and meant to be piled up. – Scottish Proverb

This guy walks into a bar and the barman says “Ouch, that must have hurt”

A person who smiles in the face of adversity... probably has a scapegoat.

When angry count four, when very angry, swear.

Why is the third hand on the watch called a second hand?

I’d explain it to you, but your brain would explode.

Men don’t care what’s on TV. They only care what else is on TV.

Mines are equal opportunity weapons.

We Quit Voting Will They All Go Away?

How do I set a laser printer to stun?

Doctor, Doctor You’ve got to help me – I just can’t stop my hands shaking. Do you drink a lot? Not really – I spill most of it!

I can resist everything except temptation.

History will be kind to me for I intend to write it. – Winston Churchill

If a President doesn’t do it to his wife, he’ll do it to his country.

Instead of getting married again, I’m going to find a woman I don’t like and just give her a house.—Rod Stewart

Don’t be irreplaceable; if you cannot be replaced, you cannot be promoted.

I’m in no shape to exercise.

When all other means of communication fail, try words.

Time’s fun when you’re having flies... Kermit the Frog

The world is full of willing people; some willing to work, the rest willing to let them.

Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?

The secret of success is sincerity. Once you can fake that you’ve got it made.

Restarting System - Mouse Moved

A conclusion is simply the place where you got tired of thinking.

Be nice to your kids. They’ll choose your nursing home.

If Bill Gates had a nickel for every time Windows crashed... oh wait, he does.

What’s the definition of a will? (It’s a dead giveaway).

It’s hard to face the problem, when the problem is your face.

Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying of nothing.

I was the next door kid’s imaginary friend.

If vegetable oil comes from vegetables, where does baby oil come from?

What if there were no hypothetical questions?

You have the right to your opinions. I just don’t want to hear them.

I’m out of my mind, but feel free to leave a message.

I often quote myself; it adds spice to my conversation.

The trouble with jogging is that, by the time you realise you’re not in shape for it, it’s far too far to walk back.

I thought I wanted a career, turns out I just wanted paychecks.

The illegal we do immediately. The unconstitutional takes a little longer. – Henry Kissinger

Being single is like a vacuum. It sucks when you are turned on.

You’re not drunk if you can lie on the floor without holding on.

You can say any foolish thing to a dog, and the dog will give you a look that says, “My God, you’re right! I never would’ve thought of that!”

Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.

Plan to be spontaneous tomorrow.

Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7th of your life.

“I’ve been on a calendar but I have never been on time” – Marilyn Monroe

Military intelligence is a contradiction in terms.

Whenever people agree with me, I always feel I must be wrong.

Men’s faults are many, women have only two. Everything they say, and everything they do.

Half of the people in the world are below average.

Experience is something you do not get until just after you need it.

How do you spot an Irishman at a carwash? He’s the one on the bike.

Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

Never put off until tomorrow what you can avoid altogether.

This mind intentionally left blank

I’m not afraid of heights, only widths.

I arise in the morning torn between a desire to improve the world and a desire to enjoy the world. This makes it hard to plan the day.

Programmer – A red-eyed, mumbling mammal capable of conversing with inanimate objects.

Women like silent men. They think they’re listening.

Tips for Vegetarians: Hit a chicken enough times and it turns into a vegetable.

I have great faith in fools; my friends call it self-confidence.

I have a simple philosophy. Fill what’s empty. Empty what’s full. Scratch where it itches.

In democracy it’s your vote that counts. In feudalism it’s your count that votes.

Take my advice, I don’t use it anyway.

From the moment I picked your book up until I laid it down I was convulsed with laughter. Some day I intend reading it.

Men are from earth. Women are from earth. Deal with it.

Is there life before death?

There’s a difference between being open-minded and having a hole in your head

As a final incentive before giving up a difficult task, try to imagine it successfully accomplished by someone you violently dislike.

Those who can laugh without cause have either found the true meaning of happiness or have gone stark raving mad.

Anything that can become tangled around something else, will.

Does your train of thought have a caboose?

It’s bad luck to be superstitious.

Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.

Madness takes its toll. Please have exact change.

Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy.

INDECISION is the key to FLEXIBILITY.

Save the whales. Collect the whole set.

A dyslexic man walks into a bra.

I married my wife for her looks... but not the ones she’s been giving me lately!

If a man opens a car door for a woman, either the car is new or the woman.

If at first you don’t succeed, try, try again. Then quit. There’s no use being a damned fool about it.

If I were someone who knew something, who could I tell that would believe me?

Heck is where people go who don’t believe in gosh.

Jack and Jill did it for the insurance.

When Chemists die, they barium.

When you do not know what you are doing, do it neatly.

Where you stand depends on where you sit.

A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a train stops. On my desk I have a workstation...

“If carrots are so good for the eyes, how come I see so many dead rabbits on the highway?”

Englishmen never will be slaves: they are free to do whatever the Government and public opinion allow them to do.

“War does not determine who is right - only who is left.” – Bertrand Russell

Blessed are the young, for they shall inherit the national debt.

A guy got arrested for playing the guitar. He was fingering a minor.

Progress was all right. Only it went on too long.

I installed a skylight in my apartment. The people who live above me are furious.

When you come to a fork in the road, take it.

A baby sitter is a teenager acting like an adult while the adults are out acting like teenagers.

“I think there is a world market for maybe five computers.” — Thomas Watson, chairman of IBM, 1943.

On the other hand you have different fingers.

Knowledge is the key, but where is the damn lock?

Time flies like an arrow – fruit flies like a banana.

If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?

A hangover is the wrath of grapes.

I don’t meet competition. I crush it

A pessimist is a man who has been compelled to live with an optimist

The sooner you fall behind the more time you’ll have to catch up.

Never go to a doctor whose office plants have died.

“Auntie Em: hate you, hate Kansas, taking the dog.” – Dorothy

Macho Law prohibits me from admitting I’m wrong.

Experience is simply the name we give our mistakes.

If it weren’t for electricity we’d all be watching television by candlelight?

As long as there are tests, there will be prayer in public schools.

I’m an idealist: I don’t know where I’m going, but I’m on my way.

Shin: a device for finding furniture in the dark.

Sometimes I think the surest sign that intelligent life exists elsewhere in the universe is that none of it has tried to contact us.

There’s a fine line between genius and insanity. I have erased this line.

To err is human – and to blame it on a computer is even more so.

99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.

That which cannot be taken apart will fall apart.

Men have a much better time of it than women; for one thing, they marry later; for another thing they die earlier.

Bigamy is having one wife too many. Monogamy is the same. – Oscar Wilde

Anything not nailed down is mine. Anything I can pry loose is not nailed down.

“I would like to live in Manchester, England. The transition between Manchester and death would be unnoticeable”. — Mark Twain

England has no kidney bank, but it does have a Liverpool.

Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.

My favorite mythical creature? The honest politician.

If the world should blow itself up, the last audible voice would be that of an expert saying it can’t be done.

I am a nobody, nobody is perfect, therefore I’m perfect.

“Everyday I beat my own previous record for number of consecutive days I’ve stayed alive.”

I get enough exercise just pushing my luck.

Venison for dinner again? Oh deer!

I took an IQ test and the results were negative.

Anything not nailed down is a cat toy.

On a tombstone: I TOLD YOU I WAS SICK

The short fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.

Make three correct guesses consecutively and you will establish yourself as an expert.

If you don’t know where you are going, you will wind up somewhere else.

If you don’t know where you are going, you might wind up someplace else.

At the age of six I wanted to be a cook. At seven I wanted to be Napoleon. And my ambition has been growing steadily ever since.

Marriage is not a word; it is a sentence.

I’m reading a book about anti-gravity. I can’t put it down.

Pardon my driving, I am reloading.

He does the work of three men: Larry, Moe and Curly.

I did a theatrical performance about puns. It was a play on words.

Horn broken. Watch for finger. (on bumper sticker)

Errors have been made. Others will be blamed.

No sense being pessimistic, it probably wouldn’t work anyway.

Marathon runners with bad footwear suffer the agony of defeat.

Everybody is ignorant, only on different subjects.

“Always in motion the future is. Seasick it makes me. That’s why so green I am”. – Yoda

I had some words with my wife, and she had some paragraphs with me.

My mind not only wanders, sometimes it leaves completely.

I love work; it fascinates me; I can sit and watch it for hours.

Marriage changes passion... suddenly you’re in bed with a relative.

I’d like to see things your way, but I’m looking in another direction.

If you’re not confused, you’re not paying attention.

If olive oil comes from olives, where does baby oil come from?

If life was fair, Elvis would be alive and all the impersonators would be dead.

I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.

You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.

A team effort is a lot of people doing what I say

I used to be a Kleptomaniac, But now I’m taking something for it

Promises are like babies: fun to make, but hell to deliver.

Be careful when reading health books; you may die of a misprint.

Everybody lies, but it doesn’t matter since nobody listens.

An army of deer led by a lion is more to be feared than an army of lions led by a deer.

Cluster bombing from B-52s is very, very accurate – the bombs always hit the ground.

System Error - Windows Loaded

The shortest distance between two points is under construction.

Haunted French pancakes give me the crêpes.

“The web is a dominatrix. Every where I turn, I see little buttons ordering me to Submit.” — Nytwind.

I don’t want to achieve immortality through my work. I want to achieve immortality through not dying.

Life is complex: it has real and imaginary parts.

“Thinking is the hardest work there is, which is probably why so few engage in it”. — Henry Ford

Everything you like is bad for you in some way.

If money talks, it ain’t on speakin’ terms with me.

Democracy is a government where you can say what you think even if you don’t think.

If you try and don’t succeed, cheat. Repeat until caught. Then lie.

How do you get an Irishman to burn his ear? Ring him up while he is ironing.

The only difference between Genius and Insanity... is success.

I Refuse To Have A Battle Of Wits With An Unarmed Person.

Tip the world over on its side and everything loose will land in Los Angeles.

I think animal testing is a terrible idea; they get all nervous and give the wrong answers.

Birthdays are good for you. Statistics show that the people who have the most live the longest.

Tell me what you need, and I’ll tell you how to get along without it.

Why is it called tourist season if we can’t shoot at them?

Don’t use a big word where a diminutive one will suffice.

He’s so lazy. I’ve seen him step into a revolving door and wait.

It doesn’t matter what temperature the room is; it’s always room temperature.

I spent most of my money on booze, drugs and women... The rest I wasted!

My parents stayed together for forty years, but that was out of spite.

Life... I don’t get it...

How do you know if a fish is Irish? It has drowned.

My one regret in life is that I am not someone else.

Connection Reset By Aboriginal With Wire Cutters

“Hey, I’ve got reasons for what I’m doing,” REALLY MEANS, “I sure hope I think of some pretty soon.”

Raising teenagers is like trying to nail Jell-O to a tree.

The fellow who thinks he knows it all is especially annoying to those of us who do.

Advertisement for donkey rides in Thailand: Would you like to ride on your own ass?

If sex is such a natural phenomenon, how come there are so many books on how to do it.

The things that come to those that wait may be the things left by those who got there first.

In the office of a Roman doctor: Specialist in women and other diseases.

Illiterate? Write For Help.

Wine divulges truth.

“How come we choose from just two people to run for president and 50 for Miss America?”

Borrow money from pessimists- they don’t expect to get it back.

Work: It isn’t just for sleeping anymore.

A printer consists of three main parts: the case, the jammed paper tray and the blinking red light

Character is what you are in the dark.

If I have to work for an idiot, I might as well work for myself.

Eschew obfuscation.

One good thing about repeating your mistakes is that you know when to cringe.

Does this smell like chloroform to you?

Remember, half the people you know are below average.

Don’t stop to stomp on ants when the elephants are stampeding.

I used up all my sick days, so I’m calling in dead.

He who laughs last thinks slowest.

I am not a vegetarian because I love animals; I am a vegetarian because I hate plants.

I stayed up all night to see where the sun went. Then it dawned on me.

Men occasionally stumble over the truth, but most of them pick themselves up and hurry off as if nothing had happened. – Winston Churchill

“You, you and you: panic. The rest of you, come with me.”

According to recent study someone is run over by a car every 5 minutes in the city. You’d think the guy would have enough sense to get out of the street.

Lord, if you won’t make me skinny, please make all my friends fat.

It is not my interest to pay the principal, nor my principal to pay the interest.

A bachelor is a man who comes to work from a different direction each morning.

Under capitalism, man exploits man. Under Communism, it’s just the opposite.

If at first you don’t succeed, try management.

Years ago fairy tales began with “Once upon a time...” Now it’s “If I am elected...”

Bacteria: the only culture some people have.

Murphy’s Golden Rule: Whoever has the gold makes the rules.

We spend the first twelve months of our children’s lives teaching them to walk and talk and the next twelve telling them to sit down and shut up.

Authority makes some people grow – and others just swell.

When he first ran for office, he appealed to the voters: “I never stole anything in my life. All I ask is a chance.”

Just because you’re not paranoid doesn’t mean they’re not out to get you.

He’s not dead, he’s electroencephalographically challenged.

“There are two major products that come out of Berkeley: LSD and UNIX. We don’t believe this to be a coincidence.” — Jeremy S. Anderson

So Many Pedestrians – So Little Time.

Whenever there is any doubt, there is no doubt.

Age always corresponds inversely to the size of your multivitamin.

He who trains his tongue to quote the learned sages, will be known far and wide as a smart ass.

I stayed up all night to see where the sun went. Then it dawned on me.

Whenever I feel like exercise, I lie down until the feeling passes.

Bachelors know more about women than married men; if they didn’t they’d be married too.

What hair color do they put on the driver’s licenses of bald men?

A cartoonist was found dead in his home. Details are sketchy.

Laugh and the world laughs with you; snore and you sleep alone.

We must believe in free will, we have no choice.

I used to think I was indecisive, but now I’m not sure.

TEAMWORK... means never having to take all the blame yourself.

In a Copenhagen airline ticket office: We take your bags and send them in all directions.

“Few things are harder to put up with than a good example.”—Mark Twain

Ours is a world where people don’t know what they want and are willing to go through hell to get it.

I have kleptomania, but when it gets bad, I take something for it. ~ Robert Benchle

My husband says I never listen to him (at least I think that’s what he said)

All those who believe in psycho kinesis raise my hand.

A backwards poet writes inverse.

What do you call a dinosaur with an extensive vocabulary? A thesaurus.

“Always be sincere, even when you don’t mean it”. — Irene Peter

Don’t look back. Something may be gaining on you.

If you can’t convince them, confuse them.

All men are equal. Some are just more equal than others.

Just remember... if the world didn’t suck, we’d all fall off.

How Many Roads Must A Man Travel Down Before He Admits He Is Lost?

Love is like an hourglass, with the heart filling up as the brain empties.

It is wiser to find out than to suppose.—Mark Twain

Lots of people know a good thing the minute the other fellow sees it first.

Smith & Wesson — the original point and click interface.

Work expands to fill the time available. — PARKINSON’S LAW

I don’t believe in astrology. I am a Sagittarius and we’re very skeptical. ~ Arthur C. Clarke

Abel Tasman on discovering Tasmania, “Too far south for spices and too close to the rim of the earth to be inhabited by anything but freaks and monsters”

I dropped out of communism class because of lousy Marx.

“You can always count on Americans to do the right thing—after they’ve tried everything else” – Winston Churchill

Good judgement comes from experience. Experience comes from bad judgement.

Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?

I think that’s how Chicago got started. A bunch of people in New York said, “Gee, I’m enjoying the crime and the poverty, but it just isn’t cold enough. Let’s go west.”—Richard Jeni

Honesty is the best policy, but insanity is a better defence.

This Would Be Really Funny If It Weren’t Happening To Me.

Even paranoids have real enemies.

When I was young, I could remember anything. Whether it happened or not.

The scientific theory I like best is that the rings of Saturn are composed entirely of lost airline luggage.

Politicians are people who, when they see the light at the end of the tunnel, go out and buy more tunnel.

Hypochondria is the only disease I haven’t got.

Why were the Indians here first? They had reservations.

To succeed in politics, it is often necessary to rise above your principles.

What Has Four Legs And An Arm? A Happy Pit Bull.

Prediction is extremely difficult. Especially about the future.

“The best thing about the future is that it comes only one day at a time.” – Abraham Lincoln

I have spent my whole life looking for the perfect woman, and now I’ve found her. Too bad she’s looking for the perfect man.

Chaos, panic, & disorder – my work here is done.

There are two kinds of people, those who finish what they start, and so on.

I used to be apathetic, but now I don’t give a damn.

One day I will get this peer guy and reset his connection.

The day I can’t do my job drunk is the day I turn in my badge and gun.

To B or not to B? *kills the B* I HATE BEES!!!! – LynxofCP

Smoking cures weight problems...eventually...

The chance of a piece of bread falling with the buttered side down is directly proportional to the cost of the carpet.

Streakers beware: Your end is in sight.

The amount of work to be done increases in proportion to the amount of work already completed. — VAIL’S SECOND AXIOM

If we learn by our mistakes, some of us are getting one hell of an education!

People with narrow minds usually have broad tongues.

I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol.

When you are arguing with an idiot, make sure the other person isn’t doing the same thing.

What sane person could live in this world and not be crazy?

111,111,111 x 111,111,111 = 12,345,678,987,654,321

In this world, nothing is certain but death and taxes. – Benjamin Franklin

“I worked in a pet shop and people kept asking how big I’d get” — Rodney Dangerfield

It is well to remember the entire population of the universe, with one trifling exception, is composed of others.

I haven’t spoken to my wife for 18 months: I don’t like to interrupt her.

You have to stay in shape. My grandmother, she started walking five miles a day when she was 60. She’s 97 today and we don’t know where the hell she is.

It used to be only death and taxes were inevitable. Now, of course, there’s shipping and handling, too.

The early bird gets the worm, but the early worm gets eaten.

Did you hear about the cross-eyed teacher who lost her job because she couldn’t control her pupils?

I am obviously right, and as you disagree with me, then logically you must be wrong.

I don’t suffer from stress. I’m a carrier.

There is nothing so annoying as to have two people go right on talking when you’re interrupting.

Next time you wave, use all your fingers.

There are two types of people in this world, good and bad. The good sleep better, but the bad seem to enjoy the waking hours much more.

“I am not worried about the deficit. It is big enough to take care of itself.” – Ronald Reagan

If it weren’t for the last minute, nothing would ever get done.

Remember half the people you know are below average.

If it’s true that we are here to help others, then what exactly are the others here for?

Roses are red, Violets are blue. In Soviet Russia, Poems write you.

Hard work never killed anybody but why take the chance?

It is a small world, but I wouldn’t like to have to paint it.

Without question, the greatest invention in the history of mankind is beer. Oh, I grant you that the wheel was also a fine invention, but the wheel does not go nearly as well with pizza.

Most vegetarians look so much like the food they eat that they can be classified as cannibals.

I wonder how much deeper would the ocean be without sponges.

Arguing on the Internet is like competing in the Special Olympics – even if you win, you are still retarded.

The doctor can bury his mistakes but an architect can only advise his client to plant vines.

“#define QUESTION ((bb) || !(bb))” — Shakespeare

I don’t have an attitude problem. You have a perception problem.

Well if this is the wrong number, why did you answer it?

Somewhere on this globe, every ten seconds, is a woman giving birth to a child. She must be found and stopped.

Jokes about German sausage are the wurst.

There are three ways to get something done: do it yourself, hire someone, or forbid your kids to do it.

I’d give my right arm to be ambidextrous.

Compromise: the art of dividing a cake so that everybody believes he or she got the biggest piece.

The second day of a diet is alway easier than the first. By the second day, you’re off it.

What’s another word for Thesaurus?

At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be “What is hell?” Come early and listen to our choir practice.

When I was a boy I was told that anybody could become president; I’m beginning to believe it.

Sometimes I wake up grumpy; other times I let her sleep

If automobiles had followed the same development cycle as the computer, a Rolls Royce would today cost $100, get a million miles per gallon, and explode once a year, killing everyone inside.

“Oh dear,” said God, “I hadn’t thought of that,” and promptly vanished in a puff of logic.

They told me I had type A blood, but it was a Type O

I laugh in the face of danger, except if I’m involved.

People can be divided into three groups: Those who make things happen, those who watch things happen, and those who wonder what happened.

After all is said and done, more is said than done.

If ever I get married again it would have to be under an anaesthetic.

We are going on a field trip to the Coca-Cola factory. I hope there are no pop quizzes.

Latest survey shows that 3 out of 4 people make up 75% of the world’s population.

Laughing stock: cattle with a sense of humour.

Snowmen fall from Heaven unassembled.

Anything’s possible... apart from skiing through a revolving door.

Optimists believe we live on the greatest world. Pessimists believe this is true.

I had amnesia once or twice.

All my life, I always wanted to be somebody. Now I see that I should have been more specific.

Age is a very high price to pay for maturity.

Money is better than poverty, if only for financial reasons.

Applying computer technology is simply finding the right wrench to pound in the correct screw.

There are 10 types of people in the world: Those who understand binary, and those who don’t.

“Your mouse has moved. Windows must be restarted for the change to take effect. Reboot now ? [OK]”

Early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.

Money can’t buy happiness, but it sure makes misery easier to live with.

I got a job at a bakery because I kneaded dough.

What do you call a dinosaur with an extensive vocabulary? A thesaurus.

The beatings will continue until morale improves.

Broken pencils are pointless.

The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.

How did Moses make his tea? Hebrews it.

Where there’s a will, I want to be in it.

If you want your spouse to listen and pay strict attention to every word you say, talk in your sleep.

Always do sober what you said you’d do drunk. That will teach you to keep your mouth shut.

“I’d rather have a bottle in front of me, than a frontal lobotomy”. — Tom Waits

Stupidity is not a handicap! Park somewhere else!

“You have to be careful about being too careful” – Beryl Pfizer

We waste time, so you don’t have to.

“There is no reason anyone would want a computer in their home.” — Ken Olson, founder of Digital Equipment Corp., 1977.

Climbers aim for the summit because it is there. Bungi jumpers dive off the top because they aren’t all there.

One martini is all right, two is too many, and three is not enough.

Needing someone is like needing a parachute. If he isn’t there the first time you need him, chances are you won’t be needing him again.

Always remember you’re unique, just like everyone else.

Democracy is the recurrent suspicion that more than half of the people are right more than half of the time.

Oh, don’t fuss. I just cut myself. It’s no big deal,” REALLY MEANS, “I have actually severed a limb, but will bleed to death before I admit I’m hurt.”

“When in doubt tell the truth.”—Mark Twain

I have the body of a GOD – Buddha.

There’s a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot.

If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?

If trees could scream, would we be so cavalier about cutting them down? We might, if they screamed all the time, for no good reason.

My mind works like lightning. One brilliant flash and it is gone.

The trouble with the rat race is that even if you win, you’re still a rat.

I like children. Properly cooked.

“Things are more like they are now than they ever were before.” – Former U.S. President Dwight D. Eisenhower

Maybe I’m lucky to be going so slowly, because I may be going in the wrong direction.

Man shoots neighbour with machete [The Miami Herald, July 3]

A dog that attends a flea circus most likely will steal the whole show.

Laugh at your problems; everybody else does.

I have had more trouble with myself than with any other man I’ve met.

What happens if you get scared half to death twice?

Every morning is the dawn of a new error.

Humour. It is a difficult concept. It is not logical.

I guess traffic in the city is improving a little. Yesterday, I drove clear across town and only had to shave twice.

A penny saved is a Congressional spending oversight.

Impotence: Nature’s Way Of Saying “No Hard Feelings”.

They say if you play a Microsoft CD backwards you hear satanic messages. That’s nothing, if you play it forwards it installs Windows.

How do you sink an Irish Submarine? Knock on the hatch.

The dictionary is the only place where success comes before work.

Once, during prohibition, I was forced to live for days on nothing but food and water.

Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?

A drop of ink may make a million think.

Quantum: Noun, word used to sound like I know what I’m talking about while discussing physics I’ve never actually studied.

When in trouble, fear or doubt, run in circles, scream and shout.

The number of people watching you is directly proportional to the stupidity of your action.

Legend: a lie that has attained the dignity of age.

Half of being smart is knowing what you are dumb at.

Man does not live by words alone, despite the fact that sometimes he has to eat them.

The man who fell into an upholstery machine is fully recovered.

I like kids, but I don’t think I could eat a whole one.

Any ship can be a minesweeper... once.

“Are you going to come quietly, or do I have to use earplugs?”—Vale Spike Milligan

The human brain is a wonderful thing. It starts working the moment you are born, and never stops until you stand up to speak in public.

I always wanted to be somebody, but I should have been more specific.

Someone sent me a postcard picture of the earth. On the back it said, “Wish you were here.”

A synonym is a word you use when you can’t spell the word you first thought of.

In a Tokyo shop: Our nylons cost more than common, but you’ll find they are best in the long run.

Slow is when someone laps you in the hundred-yard dash

“Every mighty oak was once just a nut who stood his ground.”

Sheep don’t fly so much as plummet.

Two signs from a Majorcan shop entrance: English well speaking / Here speeching American.

I tried sniffing Coke once, but the ice cubes got stuck in my nose.

I have gone to look for myself, if I should return before I get back, keep me here.

“You start coding. I’ll go find out what they want.” — Computer analyst to programmer

Before marriage, a man yearns for the woman he loves. After marriage, the ‘Y’ becomes silent.

If I’d known I was going to live this long, I’d have taken better care of myself.

Everything is possible; just not too probable.

Hope sees the invisible, feels the intangible and achieves the impossible.

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