Amusing Quotes & One-Liners — Ned Martin’s Amused

Amusing Quotes & One-Liners

A study in the Washington Post says that women have better verbal skills than men. I just want to say to the authors of that study: “Duh.”— Conan O’Brien

Confidence is the feeling you have before you understand the situation

A penny saved is a Congressional spending oversight.

I get enough exercise just pushing my luck.

A guy got arrested for playing the guitar. He was fingering a minor.

Experience is something you do not get until just after you need it.

Even paranoids have real enemies.

If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?

Politicians are people who, when they see the light at the end of the tunnel, go out and buy more tunnel.

“My wife made me join a bridge club. I jump off next Tuesday” — Rodney Dangerfield

Accept that some days you’re the pigeon, and some days you’re the statue.

Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?

“If women didn’t exist, all the money in the world would have no meaning.” – Aristotle Onassis

I married Miss Right. I just didn’t know her first name was Always.

The amount of work to be done increases in proportion to the amount of work already completed. — VAIL’S SECOND AXIOM

If you can’t be kind, at least have the decency to be vague.

Never argue with an idiot. They drag you down to their level then beat you with experience.

Smoking cures weight problems...eventually...

Women like silent men. They think they’re listening.

If I were two-faced, would I be wearing this one?

If you’re not wasted, the day is.

“Hey, I’ve got reasons for what I’m doing,” REALLY MEANS, “I sure hope I think of some pretty soon.”

“Everyday I beat my own previous record for number of consecutive days I’ve stayed alive.”

Time flies like an arrow – fruit flies like a banana.

“I’d rather have a bottle in front of me, than a frontal lobotomy”. — Tom Waits

Optimists believe we live on the greatest world. Pessimists believe this is true.

Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.

A bachelor is a man who comes to work from a different direction each morning.

“This ‘telephone’ has too many shortcomings to be seriously considered as a means of communication.” — Western Union internal memo, 1876.

I generally avoid temptation unless I can’t resist it.

Did you hear about the cross-eyed teacher who lost her job because she couldn’t control her pupils?

I don’t meet competition. I crush it

Honk if you love peace and quiet.

My mind works like lightning. One brilliant flash and it is gone.

Stupidity is not a handicap. Park elsewhere!

I am free of all prejudices. I hate everyone equally.

A poor excuse is like an old bucket; doesn’t matter what shape it is in, as long as it holds water.

If you don’t know why I’m mad at you, then I’m certainly not going to tell you

He’s not dead, he’s electroencephalographically challenged.

I got a job at a bakery because I kneaded dough.

Laughing stock: cattle with a sense of humour.

I’m quite easy to get along with, once you learn to beckon at my every call and yield to all my desires.

I’m out of my mind, but feel free to leave a message.

In a Tokyo shop: Our nylons cost more than common, but you’ll find they are best in the long run.

Youth is a wonderful thing. What a crime to waste it on children.

If at first you do succeed, try to hide your astonishment.

I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol.

Life... I don’t get it...

An Apple a day keeps the doctor away. But... an onion a day keeps everyone away.

Honesty is the best policy, but insanity is a better defence.

Oh, don’t fuss. I just cut myself. It’s no big deal,” REALLY MEANS, “I have actually severed a limb, but will bleed to death before I admit I’m hurt.”

“Every mighty oak was once just a nut who stood his ground.”

Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying of nothing.

We Quit Voting Will They All Go Away?

You can say any foolish thing to a dog, and the dog will give you a look that says, “My God, you’re right! I never would’ve thought of that!”

My schoolmates would make love to anything that moved, but I never saw any reason to limit myself.

Connection Reset By Aboriginal With Wire Cutters

Solitude is fine, but you need someone to tell you that solitude is fine.

The earthquake in Washington obviously was the government’s fault.

Conscience is the inner voice warning us that someone may be looking.

I started out with nothing, and I still have most of it.

It doesn’t matter what temperature the room is; it’s always room temperature.

Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

I don’t have an attitude problem. You have a perception problem.

Macho Law prohibits me from admitting I’m wrong.

So Many Pedestrians – So Little Time.

When Chemists die, they barium.

I majored in liberal arts. Will that be for here or to go?

Plagiarism saves time.

I think animal testing is a terrible idea; they get all nervous and give the wrong answers.

Isn’t having a smoking section in a restaurant like having a peeing section in a swimming pool?

Arguing on the Internet is like competing in the Special Olympics – even if you win, you are still retarded.

Anything’s possible... apart from skiing through a revolving door.

Insanity is hereditary; you can get it from your children.

I’d give my right arm to be ambidextrous.

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When I was a boy I was told that anybody could become president; I’m beginning to believe it.

Statistics are like bikinis – What they reveal is suggestive, but what they conceal is vital.

Slow is when someone laps you in the hundred-yard dash

Bigamy is having one wife too many. Monogamy is the same. – Oscar Wilde

Is Disney World the only people trap operated by a mouse?

No problem is so big and complicated that it can’t be ran away from.

I haven’t spoken to my wife for 18 months: I don’t like to interrupt her.

It’s just a job. Grass grows, birds fly, waves pound the sand. I just beat people up. – Muhammad Ali

Snowmen fall from Heaven unassembled.

A conscience does not prevent sin. It only prevents you from enjoying it.

A dog that attends a flea circus most likely will steal the whole show.

Money can’t buy happiness, but it sure makes misery easier to live with.

I Haven’t Lost My Mind, It’s Backed Up On Disk Somewhere.

When a clock is hungry, it goes back four seconds.

How do you get an Irishman to burn his ear? Ring him up while he is ironing.

What do you call a dinosaur with an extensive vocabulary? A thesaurus.

PMS jokes aren’t funny. Period.

Englishmen never will be slaves: they are free to do whatever the Government and public opinion allow them to do.

I took an IQ test and the results were negative.

If At First You Don’t Succeed... Blame Someone Else And Seek Counseling.

I’m not afraid of heights, only widths.

Man who run behind car get exhausted.

How do you know if a fish is Irish? It has drowned.

According to recent study someone is run over by a car every 5 minutes in the city. You’d think the guy would have enough sense to get out of the street.

I’m reading a book about anti-gravity. I can’t put it down.

There are two kinds of people, those who finish what they start, and so on.

I have the body of a GOD – Buddha.

The trouble with the rat race is that even if you win, you’re still a rat.

A conclusion is simply the place where you got tired of thinking.

If you’re not confused, you’re not paying attention.

One of the greatest labour-saving inventions today is tomorrow.

A printer consists of three main parts: the case, the jammed paper tray and the blinking red light

Everybody has a photographic memory. Some don’t have film.

Well, this day was a total waste of makeup.

Remember... Marriage is the number one cause of divorce. Statistically, 100% of all divorces started with marriage.

Man shoots neighbour with machete [The Miami Herald, July 3]

Santa’s helpers are subordinate clauses.

In the office of a Roman doctor: Specialist in women and other diseases.

My reality check just bounced.

You’re such an inspiration for the way I’ll never choose to be.

A committee is a body that keeps minutes and wastes hours.

Keyboard not detected. Press F1 to continue

Latest survey shows that 3 out of 4 people make up 75% of the world’s population.

e=mc^2 where m = the number of cooks required to spoil the broth

The difference between a stepping-stone and a stumbling block can be when you see it.

“The web is a dominatrix. Every where I turn, I see little buttons ordering me to Submit.” — Nytwind.

Maybe I’m lucky to be going so slowly, because I may be going in the wrong direction.

God must love stupid people, he made so many.

Men are from earth. Women are from earth. Deal with it.

Cole’s Law: Thinly sliced cabbage.

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Two strings walk into a bar. The first string says to the bartender, “Bartender, I’ll have a beer. u.5n$x5t?*&4ru!2[sACCErJ”. The second string says, “Pardon my friend, he isn’t NULL terminated”.

In a Norwegian cocktail lounge: Ladies are requested not to have children in the bar.

I envy people who drink – at least they know what to blame everything on.

If it’s 0 degrees today and it’s going to be twice as cold tomorrow... how cold will it be?

Age is a very high price to pay for maturity.

Plan to be spontaneous tomorrow.

Why were the Indians here first? They had reservations.

Cluster bombing from B-52s is very, very accurate – the bombs always hit the ground.

Better to remain silent and be thought a fool, than to speak and remove all doubt.

This Would Be Really Funny If It Weren’t Happening To Me.

He’s so lazy. I’ve seen him step into a revolving door and wait.

“On two occasions I have been asked [by members of Parliament!]: ‘Pray, Mr. Babbage, if you put into the machine wrong figures, will the right answers come out ?’ I am not able rightly to apprehend the kind of confusion of ideas that could provoke such a question.” — Charles Babbage.

Ever stop to think and forget to start again?

Someone sent me a postcard picture of the earth. On the back it said, “Wish you were here.”

I used up all my sick days, so I’m calling in dead.

I used to be apathetic, but now I don’t give a damn.

If we aren’t supposed to eat animals, why are they made of meat?

Tips for Vegetarians: Hit a chicken enough times and it turns into a vegetable.

Don’t use a big word where a diminutive one will suffice.

If you want your spouse to listen and pay strict attention to every word you say, talk in your sleep.

Lord, if you won’t make me skinny, please make all my friends fat.

Booze is the answer. I don’t remember the question.

There are three ways to get something done: do it yourself, hire someone, or forbid your kids to do it.

You have to stay in shape. My grandmother, she started walking five miles a day when she was 60. She’s 97 today and we don’t know where the hell she is.

All those who believe in psycho kinesis raise my hand.

Everyone needs belief in something. I believe I’ll have another beer.

A person who smiles in the face of adversity... probably has a scapegoat.

Before marriage, a man yearns for the woman he loves. After marriage, the ‘Y’ becomes silent.

The human brain is a wonderful thing. It starts working the moment you are born, and never stops until you stand up to speak in public.

I hate women because they always know where things are.

They told me I had type A blood, but it was a Type O

They say you only use ten percent of your brain. What about the other ten?

Years ago fairy tales began with “Once upon a time...” Now it’s “If I am elected...”

The second day of a diet is alway easier than the first. By the second day, you’re off it.

If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?

Money is better than poverty, if only for financial reasons.

A bargain is something you don’t need at a price you can’t resist.

A bird in the hand is safer than one overhead.

If Bill Gates had a nickel for every time Windows crashed... oh wait, he does.

Half our life is spent trying to find something to do with the time we have rushed through life trying to save.

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You’ll never get to heaven if you’re scared of getting high.

Democracy is the recurrent suspicion that more than half of the people are right more than half of the time.

My husband says I never listen to him (at least I think that’s what he said)

I have spent my whole life looking for the perfect woman, and now I’ve found her. Too bad she’s looking for the perfect man.

Two signs from a Majorcan shop entrance: English well speaking / Here speeching American.

Help Wanted: Telepath. You know where to apply.

If you don’t know where you are going, you might wind up someplace else.

You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They left a little note on the windscreen, it said ‘Parking Fine.’

A diplomatic husband said to his wife, how do you expect me to remember your birthday when you never look any older?

“The generation of random numbers is too important to be left to chance.” — Robert R. Coveyou, Oak Ridge National Laboratory.

I’d like to see things your way, but I’m looking in another direction.

If you can stay calm, while all around you is chaos... then you probably haven’t completely understood the situation.

Does your train of thought have a caboose?

Friends may come and go, but enemies accumulate

If money talks, it ain’t on speakin’ terms with me.

Cleverly Disguised As A Responsible Adult.

Once, during prohibition, I was forced to live for days on nothing but food and water.

If we don’t succeed, we run the risk of failure.

IRS: We’ve got what it takes to take what you’ve got.

Support bacteria – they’re the only culture some people have.

If you’re born again, do you have two bellybuttons?

If someone with multiple personalities threatens suicide... is it considered a hostage situation?

If we learn by our mistakes, some of us are getting one hell of an education!

“Auntie Em: hate you, hate Kansas, taking the dog.” – Dorothy

The things that come to those that wait may be the things left by those who got there first.

A procrastinator’s work is never done.

Nothing means nothing, but it isn’t really nothing because nothing is something that isn’t.

At the age of six I wanted to be a cook. At seven I wanted to be Napoleon. And my ambition has been growing steadily ever since.

“There are only two things that are infinite: the universe and human stupidity. And I’m not sure about the universe.” A. Einstein

The early bird gets the worm, but the early worm gets eaten.

I’ve been trying for some time to develop a life style that doesn’t require my presence.

I am not a vegetarian because I love animals; I am a vegetarian because I hate plants.

I heard a man say that brigands demand your money or your life, whereas women require both.

An Irish man was driving to the airport when he saw a sign saying ‘Airport – Left’... So he went home.

Marriage is a three-ring circus: engagement ring, wedding ring, and suffering.

I often quote myself; it adds spice to my conversation.

I like to start my periods with sentences.

I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.

I don’t enjoy computer jokes; not one bit.

Man who eat many prunes get good run for money.

Money is flat and meant to be piled up. – Scottish Proverb

If you choke a smurf, what colour does it turn?

Whenever people agree with me, I always feel I must be wrong.

“Heavier-than-air flying machines are impossible.” — Lord Kelvin, president, Royal Society, 1895.

There is no such thing as an underestimate of average intelligence

Be careful when reading health books; you may die of a misprint.

Seeing a murder on television...will help work off one’s antagonisms. And if you haven’t any antagonisms, the commercials will give you some.

Experience is simply the name we give our mistakes.

The sooner you fall behind the more time you’ll have to catch up.

Am I getting smart with you? How would you know?

When you do not know what you are doing, do it neatly.

I don’t believe in astrology. I am a Sagittarius and we’re very skeptical. ~ Arthur C. Clarke

It’s not that I’m afraid to die; I just don’t want to be there when it happens.

“I’ve been on a calendar but I have never been on time” – Marilyn Monroe

“How come we choose from just two people to run for president and 50 for Miss America?”

Chipped dishes never break.

I guess traffic in the city is improving a little. Yesterday, I drove clear across town and only had to shave twice.

When he first ran for office, he appealed to the voters: “I never stole anything in my life. All I ask is a chance.”

He does the work of three men: Larry, Moe and Curly.

Doctor, Doctor You’ve got to help me – I just can’t stop my hands shaking. Do you drink a lot? Not really – I spill most of it!

I stayed up all night to see where the sun went. Then it dawned on me.

“Blink your eyelids periodically to lubricate your eyes.” — Page 16 of the HP “Environmental, Health Safety Handbook for Employees”.

When I’m not in my right mind, my left mind gets pretty crowded

When you are arguing with an idiot, make sure the other person isn’t doing the same thing.

The light at the end of the tunnel has been turned off due to budget cuts.

Some people are alive only because it’s illegal to kill them.

If the human brain were so simple that we could understand it, we would be so simple we couldn’t.

I wonder how much deeper would the ocean be without sponges.

“A girl phoned me the other day and said... Come on over, there’s nobody home. I went over. Nobody was home” — Rodney Dangerfield

Love is blind, but marriage is a real eye-opener.

I take everything I can for my kleptomania.

Remember, half the people you know are below average.

The trouble with our times is that the future is not what it used to be.

99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.

I dropped out of communism class because of lousy Marx.

Remember the teakettle; though up to its neck in hot water, it continues to sing.

Instead of getting married again, I’m going to find a woman I don’t like and just give her a house.—Rod Stewart

“Banking establishments are more dangerous than standing armies”. — Thomas Jefferson

If I’d known I was going to live this long, I’d have taken better care of myself.

If the world should blow itself up, the last audible voice would be that of an expert saying it can’t be done.

We’ve made great medical progress in the last generation. What used to be merely an itch is now an allergy.

“I wish everyone was peaceful. Then I could take over the planet with a butter knife”—Dogbert

Never put both feet in your mouth at the same time, because then you don’t have a leg to stand on.

How Many Roads Must A Man Travel Down Before He Admits He Is Lost?

Abel Tasman on discovering Tasmania, “Too far south for spices and too close to the rim of the earth to be inhabited by anything but freaks and monsters”

Eschew obfuscation.

If you don’t pay your exorcist you get repossessed.

The more time you spend in reporting on what you are doing, the less time you have to do it in. Stability is achieved when you spend all your time doing nothing but reporting on the nothing you are doing.

If life was fair, Elvis would be alive and all the impersonators would be dead.

All the toilets in New York’s police stations have been stolen. The police have nothing to go on.

“There is no reason anyone would want a computer in their home.” — Ken Olson, founder of Digital Equipment Corp., 1977.

Well, if I called the wrong number, why did you answer the phone?

If at first you don’t succeed, skydiving is not your sport.

The illegal we do immediately. The unconstitutional takes a little longer. – Henry Kissinger

If a man opens a car door for a woman, either the car is new or the woman.

“I am not worried about the deficit. It is big enough to take care of itself.” – Ronald Reagan

Age is a question of mind over matter. If you don’t mind, it don’t matter.

If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?

If you can’t dazzle them with brilliance... just baffle them with bullsh*t.

I did a theatrical performance about puns. It was a play on words.

My parents stayed together for forty years, but that was out of spite.

Love is like an hourglass, with the heart filling up as the brain empties.

To B or not to B? *kills the B* I HATE BEES!!!! – LynxofCP

Anyone can admit they were wrong; the true test is admitting it to someone else.

Computers make it easy to do a lot of things, but most of the things that make it easier to do don’t need to be done.

Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7th of your life.

When in doubt, mumble.

I used to be a Kleptomaniac, But now I’m taking something for it

Tell me what you need, and I’ll tell you how to get along without it.

Brilliant, but with the social skills of a thermonuclear device.

Don’t be irreplaceable; if you cannot be replaced, you cannot be promoted.

Modesty is a virtue of fools.

Promises are like babies: fun to make, but hell to deliver.

Tip the world over on its side and everything loose will land in Los Angeles.

Genius is 1% inspiration, and 99% perspiration.

One good turn gets most of the blankets.

This girl said she recognized me from the vegetarian club, but I’d never met herbivore

Programmer – A red-eyed, mumbling mammal capable of conversing with inanimate objects.

Blessed are those who can laugh at themselves, they will never cease to be amused.

I’m in no shape to exercise.

Why is it called tourist season if we can’t shoot at them?

He who laughs last thinks slowest.

“I could tell that my parents hated me. My bath toys were a toaster and a radio” — Rodney Dangerfield

If you want a committed man, look in a mental hospital.

“I think there is a world market for maybe five computers.” — Thomas Watson, chairman of IBM, 1943.

Perhaps you’re diagonally parked in a parallel universe?

I thought I wanted a career, turns out I just wanted paychecks.

If quizzes are quizzical, what are tests?

Sheep don’t fly so much as plummet.

Be thankful for problems. If they were less difficult, someone with less ability might have your job.

It is a small world, but I wouldn’t like to have to paint it.

Anything not nailed down is a cat toy.

Always try to be modest and be proud of it!

Men don’t care what’s on TV. They only care what else is on TV.

I love work; it fascinates me; I can sit and watch it for hours.

Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?

If ever I get married again it would have to be under an anaesthetic.

Plato is dead, Einstein is dead, and I’m not feeling too good myself...

In a Rome laundry: Ladies, leave your clothes here and spend the afternoon having a good time.

In democracy it’s your vote that counts. In feudalism it’s your count that votes.

Any task worth doing was worth doing yesterday.

Cheer up, the worst is yet to come.

I am a nobody, nobody is perfect, therefore I’m perfect.

“I have left orders to be awakened at any time in case of national emergency – even if I’m in a Cabinet meeting.” – Ronald Reagan

Quantum: Noun, word used to sound like I know what I’m talking about while discussing physics I’ve never actually studied.

Just because your head is the biggest doesn’t mean it contains the right ideas.

I live in my own little world, but it’s ok they know me here.

A team effort is a lot of people doing what I say

A clean tie attracts the soup of the day.

“If builders built buildings the way programmers write programs, then the first woodpecker that came along would destroy civilization” — Weinberg’s Second Law.

What Has Four Legs And An Arm? A Happy Pit Bull.

Birthdays are good for you. Statistics show that the people who have the most live the longest.

Man does not live by words alone, despite the fact that sometimes he has to eat them.

As a final incentive before giving up a difficult task, try to imagine it successfully accomplished by someone you violently dislike.

I either want less corruption, or more chance to participate in it.

I plead contemporary insanity.

On the keyboard of life, always keep one finger on the escape key.

In a Budapest zoo: Please do not feed the animals. If you have any suitable food, give it to the guard on duty.

Anyone who told you to be yourself couldn’t have given you worse advice.

Is there life before death?

Don’t marry for money. You can borrow it cheaper.

“I believe in equality for everyone, except reporters and photographers”. — Gandhi

Seen it all, done it all, can’t remember most of it.

Eagles may soar, but weasels don’t get sucked into jet engines.

If you don’t learn to laugh at troubles, you won’t have anything to laugh at when you grow old.

There are two types of people in this world, good and bad. The good sleep better, but the bad seem to enjoy the waking hours much more.

A hangover is the wrath of grapes.

It’s important to be open-minded, but not SO open-minded that your brains fall out.

Under capitalism, man exploits man. Under Communism, it’s just the opposite.

Time is God’s way of keeping everything from happening at once.

Everyone hates me because I’m paranoid.

I used to think I was indecisive, but now I’m not sure.

Democracy is a government where you can say what you think even if you don’t think.

To err is human – and to blame it on a computer is even more so.

Jokes about German sausage are the wurst.

A backwards poet writes inverse.

“Oh dear,” said God, “I hadn’t thought of that,” and promptly vanished in a puff of logic.

Succeed in spite of management. Aim Low; Reach Your Goals, Avoid Disappointment.

I installed a skylight in my apartment. The people who live above me are furious.

It has recently been discovered that research causes cancer in rats.

My life has a superb cast but I can’t figure out the plot.

Blessed are the young, for they shall inherit the national debt.

Constipated People Don’t Give A Crap.

“Things are more like they are now than they ever were before.” – Former U.S. President Dwight D. Eisenhower

It’s not true that married men live longer than single men. It only seems longer.

Some people say that I must be a horrible person, but that’s not true. I have the heart of a young boy – in a jar on my desk.

“You can always count on Americans to do the right thing—after they’ve tried everything else” – Winston Churchill

Don’t talk unless you can improve the silence.

I don’t have a solution but I admire the problem.

Some people are alive only because it’s illegal to kill them.

On a tombstone: I TOLD YOU I WAS SICK

I wondered why the baseball was getting bigger. Then it hit me.

Hemp is a herb. Bush is a dope.

Mines are equal opportunity weapons.

There is nothing so annoying as to have two people go right on talking when you’re interrupting.

Without question, the greatest invention in the history of mankind is beer. Oh, I grant you that the wheel was also a fine invention, but the wheel does not go nearly as well with pizza.

If olive oil comes from olives, where does baby oil come from?

If a woman has to choose between catching a fly ball and saving an infant’s life, she will choose to save the infant’s life without even considering if there is a man on base.—Dave Barry

What do you call a dinosaur with an extensive vocabulary? A thesaurus.

What happens if you get scared half to death twice?

There are 3 kinds of people: those who can count and those who can’t.

All my life, I always wanted to be somebody. Now I see that I should have been more specific.

I used to think I was indecisive, but now I’m not sure.

I have gone to look for myself, if I should return before I get back, keep me here.

An army of deer led by a lion is more to be feared than an army of lions led by a deer.

Errors have been made. Others will be blamed.

Sometimes I wake up grumpy; other times I let her sleep

“Few things are harder to put up with than a good example.”—Mark Twain

Wine divulges truth.

If sex is such a natural phenomenon, how come there are so many books on how to do it.

Honest criticism is hard to take, particularly from a relative, a friend, an acquaintance, or a stranger.

To find out a girl’s faults, praise her to her girl friends.

We spend the first twelve months of our children’s lives teaching them to walk and talk and the next twelve telling them to sit down and shut up.

Prediction is extremely difficult. Especially about the future.

Artificial Intelligence is no match for Natural Stupidity.

I stayed up all night to see where the sun went. Then it dawned on me.

People who think they know everything are annoying to those of us who do.

I want to die peacefully in my sleep like my grandfather, not screaming in abject horror like his passengers.

My favorite mythical creature? The honest politician.

Sometimes I think the surest sign that intelligent life exists elsewhere in the universe is that none of it has tried to contact us.

He who smiles in a crisis has found someone to blame.

Being a philosopher, I have a problem for every solution.

A soldier who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran.

Age is an issue of mind over matter. If you don’t mind, it doesn’t matter.

They say if you play a Microsoft CD backwards you hear satanic messages. That’s nothing, if you play it forwards it installs Windows.

I’ve always wanted to be normal, but lately I’ve come to suspect that this is it.

Take my advice, I don’t use it anyway.


I took a speed reading course and read ‘War and Peace’ in twenty minutes. It involves Russia. Enough women for four.

There are two kinds of people, those who finish what they start, and so on.

“I worked in a pet shop and people kept asking how big I’d get” — Rodney Dangerfield

My husband and I divorced over religious differences... He thought he was God and I didn’t.

Good judgement comes from experience. Experience comes from bad judgement.

It used to be only death and taxes were inevitable. Now, of course, there’s shipping and handling, too.

I like children. Properly cooked.

An egotist is a person of low taste—more interested in himself than in me.

“Always in motion the future is. Seasick it makes me. That’s why so green I am”. – Yoda

That which cannot be taken apart will fall apart.

Illiterate? Write For Help.

Don’t look back. Something may be gaining on you.

To succeed in politics, it is often necessary to rise above your principles.

Who is General Failure and why is he reading my hard disk?

Hypochondria is the only disease I haven’t got.

Anger is only one letter away from danger.

Where you stand depends on where you sit.

“Reader, suppose you were an idiot. And suppose you were a member of Congress. But I repeat myself”. — Mark Twain

My mind not only wanders, sometimes it leaves completely.

Streakers beware: Your end is in sight.

Legend: a lie that has attained the dignity of age.

If you don’t know where you are going, you will wind up somewhere else.

Foolproof systems don’t take into account the ingenuity of fools.

Most vegetarians look so much like the food they eat that they can be classified as cannibals.

It’s bad luck to be superstitious.

Ours is a world where people don’t know what they want and are willing to go through hell to get it.

When your IQ reaches 80 –– sell.

Chaos, panic, & disorder – my work here is done.

Energizer Bunny arrested: Charged with battery.

How do you keep an Irishman busy? Write P.T.O on both sides of a piece of paper.

Democracy is a process by which people are free to choose the man who will get the blame.

“They say hard work never hurt anybody, but I figure why take the chance.” – Ronald Reagan

Those who can laugh without cause have either found the true meaning of happiness or have gone stark raving mad.

“You have to be careful about being too careful” – Beryl Pfizer

I used to be a banker, but then I lost interest.

I’m desperately trying to figure out why kamikaze pilots wore helmets.

I intend to live forever – so far, so good.

Jokes about German sausage are the wurst.

I’m sorry; you cannot have an outlook on life because it isn’t responding. Microsoft apologises for any inconvenience.

People can be divided into three groups: Those who make things happen, those who watch things happen, and those who wonder what happened.

I fear my inferiority complex is not as good as yours.

How do you sink an Irish Submarine? Knock on the hatch.

A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a train stops. On my desk I have a workstation...

Never go to a doctor whose office plants have died.

I have great faith in fools; my friends call it self-confidence.

It’s hard to face the problem, when the problem is your face.

I tried sniffing Coke once, but the ice cubes got stuck in my nose.

Fundamentalism: Believe in a kind, loving God or we’ll kill you!

“Thinking is the hardest work there is, which is probably why so few engage in it”. — Henry Ford

I love being married. It’s so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.

The most precious thing we have is life. Yet it has absolutely no trade-in value.

I don’t suffer from stress. I’m a carrier.

AIBOHPHOBIA – the fear of palindromes.

“Are you going to come quietly, or do I have to use earplugs?”—Vale Spike Milligan

It’s easy to quit smoking... I’ve done it over 10,000 times.

The only difference between Genius and Insanity... is success.

Killed - Personality Incompatibility

Hard work never killed anybody but why take the chance?

The trouble with life is there’s no background music.

Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian any more than going to the garage makes you a car.

Bachelors know more about women than married men; if they didn’t they’d be married too.

Not all men are annoying. Some are dead.

You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say will be misquoted then used against you.

Why don’t you ever see the headline “Psychic Wins Lottery”?

“Einstein argued that there must be simplified explanations of nature, because God is not capricious or arbitrary. No such faith comforts the software engineer.” — Fred Brooks.

Jack and Jill did it for the insurance.

Only a fool is astonished by the foolishness of humankind.

I have had more trouble with myself than with any other man I’ve met.

What’s the definition of a will? (It’s a dead giveaway).

Always do sober what you said you’d do drunk. That will teach you to keep your mouth shut.

“Life is a waste of time, time is a waste of life, so get wasted all of the time and have the time of your life”. — Tom Waits

Eagles may soar, but weasels don’t get sucked into jet engines.

Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.

The art of flying is to throw yourself at the ground and miss.

Even crime wouldn’t pay if the government ran it.

“#define QUESTION ((bb) || !(bb))” — Shakespeare

The chance of a piece of bread falling with the buttered side down is directly proportional to the cost of the carpet.

A baby sitter is a teenager acting like an adult while the adults are out acting like teenagers.

Humour. It is a difficult concept. It is not logical.

People with narrow minds usually have broad tongues.

Somewhere on this globe, every ten seconds, is a woman giving birth to a child. She must be found and stopped.

Nick Overruled - Democratic Majority Decision

Having more money doesn’t make you happier. I have 50 million dollars but I’m just as happy as when I had 48 million. ~ Arnold Schwarzenegger.

How can you come out of a closet if you never went in there in the first place?

A day without sun shine is like, you know, night.

Haunted French pancakes give me the crêpes.

If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?

I love deadlines. I especially like the whooshing sound they make as they go flying by.

Comedy is tragedy plus time.

Moderation in all things, including moderation.

I don’t like people who take drugs... Customs Officers for example.

What if there were no hypothetical questions?

It is said that if you line up all the cars in the world end to end, someone would be stupid enough to try and pass them.

How do you spot an Irishman at a carwash? He’s the one on the bike.

Why is it that to stop Windows, you have to click on “Start”?

When in trouble, fear or doubt, run in circles, scream and shout.

In a Copenhagen airline ticket office: We take your bags and send them in all directions.

Laugh at your problems; everybody else does.

Anywhere is walking distance, if you’ve got the time.

I work hard because millions on welfare depend on me.

Be nice to your kids. They’ll choose your nursing home.

The man who fell into an upholstery machine is fully recovered.

“When in doubt tell the truth.”—Mark Twain

The short fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.

If I have to work for an idiot, I might as well work for myself.

Leftists are among the first to speak of their rights.

If you try and don’t succeed, cheat. Repeat until caught. Then lie.

The fellow who thinks he knows it all is especially annoying to those of us who do.

Vote for the man who promises least; he’ll be the least disappointing.

If trees could scream, would we be so cavalier about cutting them down? We might, if they screamed all the time, for no good reason.

Early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.

Hang in there; retirement is only thirty years away.

The secret of success is sincerity. Once you can fake that you’ve got it made.

Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?

I laugh in the face of danger, except if I’m involved.

Marriage changes passion... suddenly you’re in bed with a relative.

You can always spot a well-informed man – his views are the same as yours.

Everybody is ignorant, only on different subjects.

The world is full of willing people; some willing to work, the rest willing to let them.

There’s a fine line between genius and insanity. I have erased this line.

There are very few personal problems that cannot be solved through a suitable application of high explosives.

Someday we’ll look back on all this and plow into the back of a parked car.

I had some words with my wife, and she had some paragraphs with me.

Half of the people in the world are below average.

My one regret in life is that I am not someone else.

If people concentrated on the really important things in life, there’d be a shortage of fishing poles.

By the time a man realises that his father was right, he has a son who thinks he’s wrong.

I can please only one person per day. Today is not your day. Tomorrow isn’t looking good either.

Everything you like is bad for you in some way.

What sane person could live in this world and not be crazy?

If at first you don’t succeed, try, try again. Then quit. There’s no use being a damned fool about it.

Outside of a dog, a book is probably man’s best friend, and inside of a dog, it’s too dark to read.

Military intelligence is a contradiction in terms.

Mind like a steel trap – rusty and illegal in most states.

Men occasionally stumble over the truth, but most of them pick themselves up and hurry off as if nothing had happened. – Winston Churchill

I was at a bar nursing a beer. My nipple was getting quite soggy.

It is not my interest to pay the principal, nor my principal to pay the interest.

In elementary school, in case of fire, you have to line up quietly in a single file line from smallest to tallest. What is the logic? Do tall people burn slower?

Velcro — what a rip off!

Authority makes some people grow – and others just swell.

As long as there are tests, there will be prayer in public schools.

We are going on a field trip to the Coca-Cola factory. I hope there are no pop quizzes.

Early to rise, early to bed, makes a man healthy but socially dead.

Marriage is not a word; it is a sentence.

Eat a live toad first thing in the morning, and nothing worse can happen to you the rest of the day.

You can’t have everything. Where would you put it?

Get even – live long enough to be a problem to your kids.

Brain: an apparatus with which we think we think.

Save the whales. Collect the whole set.

Success always occurs in private, and failure in full public view.

Alcohol: the cause of, and solution to, all of life’s problems.

Bacteria: the only culture some people have.

Confidence is the feeling you have before you understand the situation.

Does this smell like chloroform to you?

My girlfriend told me I should be more affectionate. So I got two more girlfriends.

Horn broken. Watch for finger. (on bumper sticker)

Mental Floss prevents Moral Decay.

If the French were really intelligent, they’d speak English.

I’m not dumb; I just have a command of thoroughly useless information.

When I was young, I could remember anything. Whether it happened or not.

You look like a million dollars. All green and wrinkled.

It’s not hard to meet expenses, they’re everywhere.

“Inconceivable!” “I do not think that word means what you think it means.”

We have two ends. One for sitting and one for thinking. Our success depends on which one we use most.

Where there’s a will, I want to be in it.

This comment is printed on 100% recycled electrons.

Impotence: Nature’s Way Of Saying “No Hard Feelings”.

In this world, nothing is certain but death and taxes. – Benjamin Franklin

I majored in liberal arts. Will that be for here or to go?

There’s a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot.

He who trains his tongue to quote the learned sages, will be known far and wide as a smart ass.

Originality is the fine art of remembering what you hear, but forgetting where you heard it.

If a job is worth doing well get someone else to do it.

For Sale: Parachute. Only used once, never opened, small stain.

Consciousness: that annoying time between naps.

“The object of war is not to die for your country but to make the other bastard die for his.” – General George Patton

I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.

If you think nobody cares if you’re alive, try missing a couple of car payments.

Men have a much better time of it than women; for one thing, they marry later; for another thing they die earlier.

The only reason some people get lost in thought is because it’s unfamiliar territory.

Don’t Be Sexist – Broads Hate That.

Age always corresponds inversely to the size of your multivitamin.

Allow me to introduce my selves.

Whenever I feel like exercise, I lie down until the feeling passes.

Applying computer technology is simply finding the right wrench to pound in the correct screw.

Quantum mechanics: The dreams stuff is made of.

Borrow money from pessimists- they don’t expect to get it back.

I had amnesia once or twice.

The surprising thing about young fools is how many survive to become old fools.

What’s another word for Thesaurus?

“C++ : Where friends have access to your private members.” — Gavin Russell Baker.

The sooner you fall behind the more time you’ll have to catch up.

Why do we wash bath towels, aren’t we clean when we use them?

Time sneaks up on you like a windshield on a bug.

Pardon my driving, I am reloading.

Cheerfulness is contagious, but don’t wait to catch it from others. Be a carrier.

I used to find him boring until I stopped listening.

Always remember you’re unique, just like everyone else.

Climbers aim for the summit because it is there. Bungi jumpers dive off the top because they aren’t all there.

If you can’t convince them, confuse them.

Why is the third hand on the watch called a second hand?

Why is it that doctors call what they do “practice”?

“I would like to live in Manchester, England. The transition between Manchester and death would be unnoticeable”. — Mark Twain

I couldn’t repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.

“He has been given a large brain by mistake, since for him the spinal cord would fully suffice.” — Albert Einstein

Despite the cost of living it’s still very popular.

One should forgive one’s enemies, but not before they are hanged.

Make sure your mind isn’t so open that your brains fall out.

Of course, we are all worms—but I like to think, at least, that I am a glow-worm. – Winston Churchill

Compromise: the art of dividing a cake so that everybody believes he or she got the biggest piece.

It is wiser to find out than to suppose.—Mark Twain

It is a fitting irony that under Richard Nixon, ‘launder’ became a dirty word.

I have kleptomania, but when it gets bad, I take something for it. ~ Robert Benchle

Red Tape Holds Up New Bridge!

“My computer NEVER loc

At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be “What is hell?” Come early and listen to our choir practice.

Hope sees the invisible, feels the intangible and achieves the impossible.

Heck is where people go who don’t believe in gosh.

A pessimist is a man who has been compelled to live with an optimist

The truth is a precious commodity. That’s why I use it so sparingly.

Smith & Wesson — the original point and click interface.

The doctor can bury his mistakes but an architect can only advise his client to plant vines.

TEAMWORK... means never having to take all the blame yourself.

Anything not nailed down is mine. Anything I can pry loose is not nailed down.

Get a new car for your spouse – it’ll be a great trade!

If it weren’t for electricity we’d all be watching television by candlelight?

Ninety-nine per cent of the people in the world are fools and the rest of us are in great danger of contagion.

The shortest distance between two points is under construction.

Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.

“Reading computer manuals without the hardware is as frustrating as reading sex manuals without the software.” — Arthur C. Clarke.

Never buy a car you can’t push.

It is even harder for the average ape to believe that he has descended from man.

One day I will get this peer guy and reset his connection.

The best computer is a man, and it’s the only one that can be mass-produced by unskilled labour.

England has no kidney bank, but it does have a Liverpool.

Just because you’re not paranoid doesn’t mean they’re not out to get you.

If everything is coming your way, you are probably in the wrong lane.

What does a clock do when it’s hungry? It goes back four seconds.

In the beginning, God created earth and rested. Then God created man and rested. Then God created woman. Since then, neither God nor man has rested.

Acupuncture is a jab well done.

I don’t suffer from stress. I’m a carrier.

Work expands to fill the time available. — PARKINSON’S LAW

I can resist everything except temptation.

Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.

I think that’s how Chicago got started. A bunch of people in New York said, “Gee, I’m enjoying the crime and the poverty, but it just isn’t cold enough. Let’s go west.”—Richard Jeni

Never underestimate the power of very stupid people in large groups.

When you get a bladder infection, urine trouble.

Advertisement for donkey rides in Thailand: Would you like to ride on your own ass?

Connection Reset - Insufficient Electrons

If you can’t convince them, confuse them.

Caution – Driver Legally Blonde!

What hair color do they put on the driver’s licenses of bald men?

You’re not drunk if you can lie on the floor without holding on.

I don’t want to achieve immortality through my work. I want to achieve immortality through not dying.

Where do you find an Irish woodworm? Dead inside a brick.

As the light changed from red to green to yellow and back to red again, I sat there thinking about life. Was it nothing more than a bunch of honking and yelling? Sometimes it seemed that way.

Everybody lies, but it doesn’t matter since nobody listens.

“Managing senior programmers is like herding cats” — Dave Platt.

Why does Sea World have a seafood restaurant? I’m halfway through my fish burger and I realize, Oh my gosh... I could be eating a slow learner.

Pick your friends but not to pieces.

We must believe in free will, we have no choice.

Youth would be an ideal state if it came a little later in life.

Outside a Hong Kong tailor shop: Ladies may have a fit upstairs.

Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

Don’t take life too seriously—you’ll never get out of it alive.

One good thing about repeating your mistakes is that you know when to cringe.

If you do not make dust, you eat dust.

I thought I made a mistake once, but I was wrong.

In the beginning, there was nothing. Then God said, “Let there be light,” and there was still nothing, but you could see it.

Go the extra mile. It makes your boss look like an incompetent slacker.

“As a matter of fact” is an expression that precedes many an expression that isn’t.

We waste time, so you don’t have to.

Technology is a way of organizing the universe so that man doesn’t have to experience it.

Living is not worth dying for.

If at first you don’t succeed, try management.

A synonym is a word you use when you can’t spell the word you first thought of.

“When you starve with a tiger, the tiger starves last”. — Griffin’s Thought

Make three correct guesses consecutively and you will establish yourself as an expert.

I have noticed that the people who are late are often so much jollier that the people who have to wait for them.

I am amazed at radio DJ’s today. I am firmly convinced that AM on my radio stands for Absolute Moron. I will not begin to tell you what FM stands for.

All men are equal. Some are just more equal than others.

I like kids, but I don’t think I could eat a whole one.

Bacteria: the only culture some people have.

I know a guy who is addicted to brake fluid. He says he can stop anytime.

When angry count four, when very angry, swear.

There are 10 types of people in the world: Those who understand binary, and those who don’t.

A cartoonist was found dead in his home. Details are sketchy.

On the plus side, death is one of the few things that can be done just as easily as lying down.

The scientific theory I like best is that the rings of Saturn are composed entirely of lost airline luggage.

Procrastinate Now!

If you can’t beat your computer at chess, try kickboxing.

Next time you wave, use all your fingers.

There are only three kinds of people; people who can count and people who can’t.

Time is a great teacher, but unfortunately it kills all its pupils.

I’d explain it to you, but your brain would explode.

It is well to remember the entire population of the universe, with one trifling exception, is composed of others.

The beatings will continue until morale improves.

If automobiles had followed the same development cycle as the computer, a Rolls Royce would today cost $100, get a million miles per gallon, and explode once a year, killing everyone inside.

Cab drivers are living proof that practice does not make perfect.

I Refuse To Have A Battle Of Wits With An Unarmed Person.

Stupidity is not a handicap! Park somewhere else!

Progress was all right. Only it went on too long.

Partying... oops No Only Parting... sorry

A dyslexic man walks into a bra.

“Then he ran into my knife. He ran into my knife ten times.” – Chicago

The trouble with jogging is that, by the time you realise you’re not in shape for it, it’s far too far to walk back.

The day I can’t do my job drunk is the day I turn in my badge and gun.

“People who drink light beer don’t like the taste of beer; they just like to pee a lot” — Rodney Dangerfield

“I’ve noticed that everyone who is for abortion has already been born.” – Ronald Reagan

This guy walks into a bar and the barman says “Ouch, that must have hurt”

Man who run in front of car get tired.

If it’s true that we are here to help others, then what exactly are the others here for?

Well if this is the wrong number, why did you answer it?

A great many people think they are thinking when they are merely rearranging their prejudices.

Some people are going to leave a mark on this world, while others will leave a stain.

If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?

I wished the buck stopped here, as I could use a few.

A drop of ink may make a million think.

From the moment I picked your book up until I laid it down I was convulsed with laughter. Some day I intend reading it.

If it weren’t for the last minute, nothing would ever get done.

I’m an idealist: I don’t know where I’m going, but I’m on my way.

He often broke into song because he couldn’t find the key.

You have the right to your opinions. I just don’t want to hear them.

I was the next door kid’s imaginary friend.

Murphy’s Golden Rule: Whoever has the gold makes the rules.

Be kind to your dentist. He has fillings, too.

Laugh and the world laughs with you; snore and you sleep alone.

Last night I lay in bed looking up at the stars in the sky and I thought to myself, “Where the heck is the ceiling?”

Shin: a device for finding furniture in the dark.

Sex on television can’t hurt you unless you fall off.

Remember half the people you know are below average.

The number of people watching you is directly proportional to the stupidity of your action.

It is not what a teenager knows that bothers his parents. It is how he found out.

Lead us not into temptation. Just tell us where it is; we’ll find it.

On the other hand you have different fingers.

One martini is all right, two is too many, and three is not enough.

“If carrots are so good for the eyes, how come I see so many dead rabbits on the highway?”

“There are two major products that come out of Berkeley: LSD and UNIX. We don’t believe this to be a coincidence.” — Jeremy S. Anderson

Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy.

Shin: a device for finding furniture in the dark.

If all you have is a hammer, everything looks like a nail.

“War does not determine who is right - only who is left.” – Bertrand Russell

After all is said and done, more is said than done.

“A patriot must always be ready to defend his country against his government”. — Edward Abbey

Every morning is the dawn of a new error.

“You start coding. I’ll go find out what they want.” — Computer analyst to programmer

“How can a president not be an actor?” – when asked “How could an actor become president?” – Ronald Reagan

Life is complex: it has real and imaginary parts.

Men’s faults are many, women have only two. Everything they say, and everything they do.

Lots of people know a good thing the minute the other fellow sees it first.

I don’t necessarily agree with everything I say.

If con is the opposite of pro, congress is the opposite of progress.

How did Moses make his tea? Hebrews it.

Roses are red, Violets are blue. In Soviet Russia, Poems write you.

I am obviously right, and as you disagree with me, then logically you must be wrong.

“Your mouse has moved. Windows must be restarted for the change to take effect. Reboot now ? [OK]”

If a President doesn’t do it to his wife, he’ll do it to his country.

Life is far too important to be taken seriously.

I’m an apathetic sociopath – I’d kill you if I cared.

Nobody can be exactly like me. Even I have trouble doing it.

Man who drive like hell bound to get there.

Anything that can become tangled around something else, will.

Everybody is somebody else’s weirdo.

I spilled spot remover on my dog. Now he’s gone.

Work: It isn’t just for sleeping anymore.

I think, therefore I am single.

If puns were outlawed, only outlaws would have puns.

Doctor, Doctor I keep getting pains in the eye when I drink coffee. Have you tried taking the spoon out?

“Always be sincere, even when you don’t mean it”. — Irene Peter

Marathon runners with bad footwear suffer the agony of defeat.

111,111,111 x 111,111,111 = 12,345,678,987,654,321

“You, you and you: panic. The rest of you, come with me.”

I’m not into working out. My philosophy: No pain, no pain.

Gossip: The art of saying nothing while leaving nothing unsaid.

“This report, by its very length, defends itself against the risk of being read”. — Winston Churchill

Don’t use a big word where a diminutive one will suffice.

You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.

I spent most of my money on booze, drugs and women... The rest I wasted!

When life hands you a lemon, make lemonade.

Venison for dinner again? Oh deer!

I have a simple philosophy. Fill what’s empty. Empty what’s full. Scratch where it itches.

It is hard enough to remember my opinions, without also remembering my reasons for them!

Why is the man that invests your money called a broker?

If vegetable oil comes from vegetables, where does baby oil come from?

I always wanted to be somebody, but I should have been more specific.

“I have never let my schooling interfere with my education.”—Mark Twain

An egotist has one point in his favour – he doesn’t go round talking about other people.

Any ship can be a minesweeper... once.

Broken pencils are pointless.

History will be kind to me for I intend to write it. – Winston Churchill

There’s a difference between being open-minded and having a hole in your head

Just remember... if the world didn’t suck, we’d all fall off.

Madness takes its toll. Please have exact change.

Character is what you are in the dark.

I didn’t like my beard at first. Then it grew on me.

Five out of four people have trouble with fractions.

It’s strange, isn’t it. You stand in the middle of a library and go aaaaagghhhh’ and everyone just stares at you. But you do the same thing on an aeroplane, and everyone joins in.

Being single is like a vacuum. It sucks when you are turned on.

Time’s fun when you’re having flies... Kermit the Frog

I love cats – they taste just like chicken.

Knowledge is the key, but where is the damn lock?

No sense being pessimistic, it probably wouldn’t work anyway.

Raising teenagers is like trying to nail Jell-O to a tree.

Bachelors have consciences, married men have wives.

Needing someone is like needing a parachute. If he isn’t there the first time you need him, chances are you won’t be needing him again.

The only perfect science is hindsight.

Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don’t.

I married my wife for her looks... but not the ones she’s been giving me lately!

A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat.

Best way to get a man to do something, is to suggest they are too old for it.

Before you give a colleague a piece of your mind, be sure you can spare it.

It is hard to understand how a cemetery raised its burial charges and blamed it on the cost of living.

I arise in the morning torn between a desire to improve the world and a desire to enjoy the world. This makes it hard to plan the day.

People don’t grow up; they just learn how to act in public.

Being in the army is like being in the Boy Scouts, except that the Boy Scouts have adult supervision.

Never put off until tomorrow what you can avoid altogether.

Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way when you criticize them, you are a mile away from them and you have their shoes.

If I were someone who knew something, who could I tell that would believe me?

Some pain is physical, and some is mental, but one that’s both is dental.

I hope that after I die, people will say of me: “That guy sure owed me a lot of money.”

The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.

I tried to photograph the fog, but I mist.

A bird does not sing because it has an answer—it sings because it has a song.

I don’t approve of political jokes... I’ve seen too many of them get elected.

The most powerful force in the universe is gossip.

Every time I look at you I get a fierce desire to be lonesome.

“The best thing about the future is that it comes only one day at a time.” – Abraham Lincoln

The dictionary is the only place where success comes before work.

Everybody is ignorant, only on different subjects.

Don’t stop to stomp on ants when the elephants are stampeding.

The dumber people think you are, the more surprised they’re going to be when you kill them—Rodney Dangerfield

I always wanted to be a procrastinator, never got around to it though.

To define recursion, we must first define recursion.

Whenever there is any doubt, there is no doubt.

Half of being smart is knowing what you are dumb at.

When all other means of communication fail, try words.

How do I set a laser printer to stun?

If at first you don’t succeed, destroy all the evidence that you tried.

Warning: Dates in Calendar are closer than they appear.

Proofread carefully to see if you any words out.

When you come to a fork in the road, take it.

Sheep don’t fly so much as plummet.

Everything is possible; just not too probable.

Show me a piano falling down a mineshaft and I’ll show you A-flat minor.

This mind intentionally left blank

For people who like peace and quiet – a phoneless cord.

I changed my iPod’s name to Titanic. It’s syncing now.

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