Amusing Quotes & One-Liners — Ned Martin’s Amused

Amusing Quotes & One-Liners

I’ve always wanted to be normal, but lately I’ve come to suspect that this is it.

I have kleptomania, but when it gets bad, I take something for it. ~ Robert Benchle

I wondered why the baseball was getting bigger. Then it hit me.

The trouble with life is there’s no background music.

It’s strange, isn’t it. You stand in the middle of a library and go aaaaagghhhh’ and everyone just stares at you. But you do the same thing on an aeroplane, and everyone joins in.

Men occasionally stumble over the truth, but most of them pick themselves up and hurry off as if nothing had happened. – Winston Churchill

Sheep don’t fly so much as plummet.

Don’t be irreplaceable; if you cannot be replaced, you cannot be promoted.

It has recently been discovered that research causes cancer in rats.

Don’t use a big word where a diminutive one will suffice.

“Banking establishments are more dangerous than standing armies”. — Thomas Jefferson

The day I can’t do my job drunk is the day I turn in my badge and gun.

How do you spot an Irishman at a carwash? He’s the one on the bike.

I either want less corruption, or more chance to participate in it.

Work: It isn’t just for sleeping anymore.

I love work; it fascinates me; I can sit and watch it for hours.

The secret of success is sincerity. Once you can fake that you’ve got it made.

Man who eat many prunes get good run for money.

I’m quite easy to get along with, once you learn to beckon at my every call and yield to all my desires.

It used to be only death and taxes were inevitable. Now, of course, there’s shipping and handling, too.

Cleverly Disguised As A Responsible Adult.

When in trouble, fear or doubt, run in circles, scream and shout.

Progress was all right. Only it went on too long.

If it weren’t for electricity we’d all be watching television by candlelight?

“I would like to live in Manchester, England. The transition between Manchester and death would be unnoticeable”. — Mark Twain

Marriage is a three-ring circus: engagement ring, wedding ring, and suffering.

Hard work never killed anybody but why take the chance?

Years ago fairy tales began with “Once upon a time...” Now it’s “If I am elected...”

Partying... oops No Only Parting... sorry

Man who run in front of car get tired.

A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat.

When you do not know what you are doing, do it neatly.

“You start coding. I’ll go find out what they want.” — Computer analyst to programmer

Acupuncture is a jab well done.

Succeed in spite of management. Aim Low; Reach Your Goals, Avoid Disappointment.

My mind works like lightning. One brilliant flash and it is gone.

Under capitalism, man exploits man. Under Communism, it’s just the opposite.

England has no kidney bank, but it does have a Liverpool.

It’s not true that married men live longer than single men. It only seems longer.

Why do we wash bath towels, aren’t we clean when we use them?

What’s another word for Thesaurus?

Cheer up, the worst is yet to come.

“Einstein argued that there must be simplified explanations of nature, because God is not capricious or arbitrary. No such faith comforts the software engineer.” — Fred Brooks.

The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.

On a tombstone: I TOLD YOU I WAS SICK

Be nice to your kids. They’ll choose your nursing home.

“Few things are harder to put up with than a good example.”—Mark Twain

Cab drivers are living proof that practice does not make perfect.

I’ve been trying for some time to develop a life style that doesn’t require my presence.

“He has been given a large brain by mistake, since for him the spinal cord would fully suffice.” — Albert Einstein

Needing someone is like needing a parachute. If he isn’t there the first time you need him, chances are you won’t be needing him again.

Time is a great teacher, but unfortunately it kills all its pupils.

The only perfect science is hindsight.

Sometimes I wake up grumpy; other times I let her sleep

I don’t want to achieve immortality through my work. I want to achieve immortality through not dying.

He often broke into song because he couldn’t find the key.

I dropped out of communism class because of lousy Marx.

Only a fool is astonished by the foolishness of humankind.

I Haven’t Lost My Mind, It’s Backed Up On Disk Somewhere.

I fear my inferiority complex is not as good as yours.

Democracy is a government where you can say what you think even if you don’t think.

“Heavier-than-air flying machines are impossible.” — Lord Kelvin, president, Royal Society, 1895.

Slow is when someone laps you in the hundred-yard dash

I have had more trouble with myself than with any other man I’ve met.

If the world should blow itself up, the last audible voice would be that of an expert saying it can’t be done.

I love deadlines. I especially like the whooshing sound they make as they go flying by.

Outside a Hong Kong tailor shop: Ladies may have a fit upstairs.

I used up all my sick days, so I’m calling in dead.

Blessed are those who can laugh at themselves, they will never cease to be amused.

Am I getting smart with you? How would you know?

Those who can laugh without cause have either found the true meaning of happiness or have gone stark raving mad.

In elementary school, in case of fire, you have to line up quietly in a single file line from smallest to tallest. What is the logic? Do tall people burn slower?

A committee is a body that keeps minutes and wastes hours.

Age is an issue of mind over matter. If you don’t mind, it doesn’t matter.

The difference between a stepping-stone and a stumbling block can be when you see it.

Arguing on the Internet is like competing in the Special Olympics – even if you win, you are still retarded.

Remember... Marriage is the number one cause of divorce. Statistically, 100% of all divorces started with marriage.

“The web is a dominatrix. Every where I turn, I see little buttons ordering me to Submit.” — Nytwind.

Roses are red, Violets are blue. In Soviet Russia, Poems write you.

People with narrow minds usually have broad tongues.

There are two kinds of people, those who finish what they start, and so on.

“When you starve with a tiger, the tiger starves last”. — Griffin’s Thought

“You have to be careful about being too careful” – Beryl Pfizer

Horn broken. Watch for finger. (on bumper sticker)

Brain: an apparatus with which we think we think.

Good judgement comes from experience. Experience comes from bad judgement.

You can say any foolish thing to a dog, and the dog will give you a look that says, “My God, you’re right! I never would’ve thought of that!”

My one regret in life is that I am not someone else.

He who smiles in a crisis has found someone to blame.

I always wanted to be a procrastinator, never got around to it though.

Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying of nothing.

What hair color do they put on the driver’s licenses of bald men?

The scientific theory I like best is that the rings of Saturn are composed entirely of lost airline luggage.

Anything not nailed down is mine. Anything I can pry loose is not nailed down.

“On two occasions I have been asked [by members of Parliament!]: ‘Pray, Mr. Babbage, if you put into the machine wrong figures, will the right answers come out ?’ I am not able rightly to apprehend the kind of confusion of ideas that could provoke such a question.” — Charles Babbage.

Bacteria: the only culture some people have.

If I were someone who knew something, who could I tell that would believe me?

This mind intentionally left blank

“You, you and you: panic. The rest of you, come with me.”

Birthdays are good for you. Statistics show that the people who have the most live the longest.

Seeing a murder on television...will help work off one’s antagonisms. And if you haven’t any antagonisms, the commercials will give you some.

If you choke a smurf, what colour does it turn?

Everyone hates me because I’m paranoid.

Why don’t you ever see the headline “Psychic Wins Lottery”?

How do you get an Irishman to burn his ear? Ring him up while he is ironing.

Originality is the fine art of remembering what you hear, but forgetting where you heard it.

Quantum mechanics: The dreams stuff is made of.

Whenever I feel like exercise, I lie down until the feeling passes.

Red Tape Holds Up New Bridge!

We are going on a field trip to the Coca-Cola factory. I hope there are no pop quizzes.

I used to find him boring until I stopped listening.

Everything is possible; just not too probable.

“If builders built buildings the way programmers write programs, then the first woodpecker that came along would destroy civilization” — Weinberg’s Second Law.

I heard a man say that brigands demand your money or your life, whereas women require both.

Chipped dishes never break.

Lots of people know a good thing the minute the other fellow sees it first.

I got a job at a bakery because I kneaded dough.

Don’t look back. Something may be gaining on you.

Not all men are annoying. Some are dead.

PMS jokes aren’t funny. Period.

Laugh and the world laughs with you; snore and you sleep alone.

Promises are like babies: fun to make, but hell to deliver.

Hang in there; retirement is only thirty years away.

I live in my own little world, but it’s ok they know me here.

I’m desperately trying to figure out why kamikaze pilots wore helmets.

Well if this is the wrong number, why did you answer it?

How Many Roads Must A Man Travel Down Before He Admits He Is Lost?

One martini is all right, two is too many, and three is not enough.

Modesty is a virtue of fools.

There are 3 kinds of people: those who can count and those who can’t.

A poor excuse is like an old bucket; doesn’t matter what shape it is in, as long as it holds water.

Don’t talk unless you can improve the silence.

99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.

If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?

Pick your friends but not to pieces.

Half of the people in the world are below average.

The only difference between Genius and Insanity... is success.

Anger is only one letter away from danger.

Everybody is ignorant, only on different subjects.

I’d explain it to you, but your brain would explode.

A diplomatic husband said to his wife, how do you expect me to remember your birthday when you never look any older?

I used to think I was indecisive, but now I’m not sure.

Men’s faults are many, women have only two. Everything they say, and everything they do.

In a Rome laundry: Ladies, leave your clothes here and spend the afternoon having a good time.

A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a train stops. On my desk I have a workstation...

A penny saved is a Congressional spending oversight.

I can resist everything except temptation.

Everybody has a photographic memory. Some don’t have film.

“War does not determine who is right - only who is left.” – Bertrand Russell

I love cats – they taste just like chicken.

I have a simple philosophy. Fill what’s empty. Empty what’s full. Scratch where it itches.

If I’d known I was going to live this long, I’d have taken better care of myself.

Broken pencils are pointless.

In a Copenhagen airline ticket office: We take your bags and send them in all directions.

Being single is like a vacuum. It sucks when you are turned on.

The human brain is a wonderful thing. It starts working the moment you are born, and never stops until you stand up to speak in public.

Before you give a colleague a piece of your mind, be sure you can spare it.

Why is the third hand on the watch called a second hand?

Age always corresponds inversely to the size of your multivitamin.

“I’d rather have a bottle in front of me, than a frontal lobotomy”. — Tom Waits

It is hard enough to remember my opinions, without also remembering my reasons for them!

Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy.

Love is like an hourglass, with the heart filling up as the brain empties.

I am amazed at radio DJ’s today. I am firmly convinced that AM on my radio stands for Absolute Moron. I will not begin to tell you what FM stands for.

There are two types of people in this world, good and bad. The good sleep better, but the bad seem to enjoy the waking hours much more.

Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way when you criticize them, you are a mile away from them and you have their shoes.

Youth is a wonderful thing. What a crime to waste it on children.

Gossip: The art of saying nothing while leaving nothing unsaid.

Stupidity is not a handicap! Park somewhere else!

Last night I lay in bed looking up at the stars in the sky and I thought to myself, “Where the heck is the ceiling?”

Don’t take life too seriously—you’ll never get out of it alive.

“I’ve noticed that everyone who is for abortion has already been born.” – Ronald Reagan

“Always in motion the future is. Seasick it makes me. That’s why so green I am”. – Yoda

Work expands to fill the time available. — PARKINSON’S LAW

A cartoonist was found dead in his home. Details are sketchy.

The number of people watching you is directly proportional to the stupidity of your action.

TEAMWORK... means never having to take all the blame yourself.

“A patriot must always be ready to defend his country against his government”. — Edward Abbey

I thought I wanted a career, turns out I just wanted paychecks.

That which cannot be taken apart will fall apart.

If you can’t beat your computer at chess, try kickboxing.

When I was young, I could remember anything. Whether it happened or not.

Mines are equal opportunity weapons.

Instead of getting married again, I’m going to find a woman I don’t like and just give her a house.—Rod Stewart

I hope that after I die, people will say of me: “That guy sure owed me a lot of money.”

Well, if I called the wrong number, why did you answer the phone?

No sense being pessimistic, it probably wouldn’t work anyway.

To err is human – and to blame it on a computer is even more so.

Man does not live by words alone, despite the fact that sometimes he has to eat them.

An egotist is a person of low taste—more interested in himself than in me.

Remember half the people you know are below average.

I’d give my right arm to be ambidextrous.

Computers make it easy to do a lot of things, but most of the things that make it easier to do don’t need to be done.

Jack and Jill did it for the insurance.

He does the work of three men: Larry, Moe and Curly.

Everybody is somebody else’s weirdo.

I’m reading a book about anti-gravity. I can’t put it down.

Procrastinate Now!

The illegal we do immediately. The unconstitutional takes a little longer. – Henry Kissinger

I did a theatrical performance about puns. It was a play on words.

The only reason some people get lost in thought is because it’s unfamiliar territory.

There is nothing so annoying as to have two people go right on talking when you’re interrupting.

Help Wanted: Telepath. You know where to apply.

e=mc^2 where m = the number of cooks required to spoil the broth

I’m an apathetic sociopath – I’d kill you if I cared.

What Has Four Legs And An Arm? A Happy Pit Bull.

This comment is printed on 100% recycled electrons.

Don’t use a big word where a diminutive one will suffice.

I took an IQ test and the results were negative.

“I have left orders to be awakened at any time in case of national emergency – even if I’m in a Cabinet meeting.” – Ronald Reagan

I have spent my whole life looking for the perfect woman, and now I’ve found her. Too bad she’s looking for the perfect man.

I’m sorry; you cannot have an outlook on life because it isn’t responding. Microsoft apologises for any inconvenience.

My reality check just bounced.

If we aren’t supposed to eat animals, why are they made of meat?

If it’s 0 degrees today and it’s going to be twice as cold tomorrow... how cold will it be?

Remember, half the people you know are below average.

Early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.

When Chemists die, they barium.

If Bill Gates had a nickel for every time Windows crashed... oh wait, he does.

We Quit Voting Will They All Go Away?

The things that come to those that wait may be the things left by those who got there first.

They say if you play a Microsoft CD backwards you hear satanic messages. That’s nothing, if you play it forwards it installs Windows.

One good thing about repeating your mistakes is that you know when to cringe.

I had amnesia once or twice.

I don’t approve of political jokes... I’ve seen too many of them get elected.

Character is what you are in the dark.

Money is flat and meant to be piled up. – Scottish Proverb

Leftists are among the first to speak of their rights.

“You can always count on Americans to do the right thing—after they’ve tried everything else” – Winston Churchill

Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don’t.

Nick Overruled - Democratic Majority Decision

If you don’t know where you are going, you will wind up somewhere else.

According to recent study someone is run over by a car every 5 minutes in the city. You’d think the guy would have enough sense to get out of the street.

I know a guy who is addicted to brake fluid. He says he can stop anytime.

Ours is a world where people don’t know what they want and are willing to go through hell to get it.

Sex on television can’t hurt you unless you fall off.

They told me I had type A blood, but it was a Type O

If the human brain were so simple that we could understand it, we would be so simple we couldn’t.

A synonym is a word you use when you can’t spell the word you first thought of.

I used to be apathetic, but now I don’t give a damn.

Does your train of thought have a caboose?

History will be kind to me for I intend to write it. – Winston Churchill

Get a new car for your spouse – it’ll be a great trade!

I majored in liberal arts. Will that be for here or to go?

If at first you do succeed, try to hide your astonishment.

Anything not nailed down is a cat toy.

If you can stay calm, while all around you is chaos... then you probably haven’t completely understood the situation.

Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?

“People who drink light beer don’t like the taste of beer; they just like to pee a lot” — Rodney Dangerfield

A baby sitter is a teenager acting like an adult while the adults are out acting like teenagers.

Who is General Failure and why is he reading my hard disk?

I don’t have an attitude problem. You have a perception problem.

Keyboard not detected. Press F1 to continue

If it’s true that we are here to help others, then what exactly are the others here for?

If at first you don’t succeed, try management.

“A girl phoned me the other day and said... Come on over, there’s nobody home. I went over. Nobody was home” — Rodney Dangerfield

He’s so lazy. I’ve seen him step into a revolving door and wait.

A great many people think they are thinking when they are merely rearranging their prejudices.

It’s easy to quit smoking... I’ve done it over 10,000 times.

I work hard because millions on welfare depend on me.

My parents stayed together for forty years, but that was out of spite.

Any task worth doing was worth doing yesterday.

In a Budapest zoo: Please do not feed the animals. If you have any suitable food, give it to the guard on duty.

I get enough exercise just pushing my luck.

Better to remain silent and be thought a fool, than to speak and remove all doubt.

If you don’t pay your exorcist you get repossessed.

“My computer NEVER loc

How do you keep an Irishman busy? Write P.T.O on both sides of a piece of paper.

Advertisement for donkey rides in Thailand: Would you like to ride on your own ass?

If you try and don’t succeed, cheat. Repeat until caught. Then lie.

Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.

Connection Reset - Insufficient Electrons

Life is far too important to be taken seriously.

I was at a bar nursing a beer. My nipple was getting quite soggy.

What happens if you get scared half to death twice?

A procrastinator’s work is never done.

It’s bad luck to be superstitious.

Laughing stock: cattle with a sense of humour.

I’m not dumb; I just have a command of thoroughly useless information.

Mental Floss prevents Moral Decay.

Save the whales. Collect the whole set.

So Many Pedestrians – So Little Time.

To B or not to B? *kills the B* I HATE BEES!!!! – LynxofCP

What sane person could live in this world and not be crazy?

I think that’s how Chicago got started. A bunch of people in New York said, “Gee, I’m enjoying the crime and the poverty, but it just isn’t cold enough. Let’s go west.”—Richard Jeni

“Hey, I’ve got reasons for what I’m doing,” REALLY MEANS, “I sure hope I think of some pretty soon.”

“Reader, suppose you were an idiot. And suppose you were a member of Congress. But I repeat myself”. — Mark Twain

People who think they know everything are annoying to those of us who do.

I married Miss Right. I just didn’t know her first name was Always.

The short fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.

Without question, the greatest invention in the history of mankind is beer. Oh, I grant you that the wheel was also a fine invention, but the wheel does not go nearly as well with pizza.

I took a speed reading course and read ‘War and Peace’ in twenty minutes. It involves Russia. Enough women for four.

What if there were no hypothetical questions?

“Everyday I beat my own previous record for number of consecutive days I’ve stayed alive.”

He’s not dead, he’s electroencephalographically challenged.

IRS: We’ve got what it takes to take what you’ve got.

Why is it called tourist season if we can’t shoot at them?

There are only three kinds of people; people who can count and people who can’t.

If you can’t dazzle them with brilliance... just baffle them with bullsh*t.

The doctor can bury his mistakes but an architect can only advise his client to plant vines.

If you don’t know why I’m mad at you, then I’m certainly not going to tell you

Is there life before death?

I’d like to see things your way, but I’m looking in another direction.

I take everything I can for my kleptomania.

Consciousness: that annoying time between naps.

I don’t believe in astrology. I am a Sagittarius and we’re very skeptical. ~ Arthur C. Clarke

If puns were outlawed, only outlaws would have puns.

You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.

Honesty is the best policy, but insanity is a better defence.

I laugh in the face of danger, except if I’m involved.

I’m in no shape to exercise.

I often quote myself; it adds spice to my conversation.

If a man opens a car door for a woman, either the car is new or the woman.

There’s a difference between being open-minded and having a hole in your head

Booze is the answer. I don’t remember the question.

A day without sun shine is like, you know, night.

Friends may come and go, but enemies accumulate

The truth is a precious commodity. That’s why I use it so sparingly.

Mind like a steel trap – rusty and illegal in most states.

All my life, I always wanted to be somebody. Now I see that I should have been more specific.

I used to be a Kleptomaniac, But now I’m taking something for it

“There is no reason anyone would want a computer in their home.” — Ken Olson, founder of Digital Equipment Corp., 1977.

We spend the first twelve months of our children’s lives teaching them to walk and talk and the next twelve telling them to sit down and shut up.

What’s the definition of a will? (It’s a dead giveaway).

Of course, we are all worms—but I like to think, at least, that I am a glow-worm. – Winston Churchill

When you are arguing with an idiot, make sure the other person isn’t doing the same thing.

Love is blind, but marriage is a real eye-opener.

Bachelors have consciences, married men have wives.

Does this smell like chloroform to you?

In this world, nothing is certain but death and taxes. – Benjamin Franklin

It is a small world, but I wouldn’t like to have to paint it.

Conscience is the inner voice warning us that someone may be looking.

“I’ve been on a calendar but I have never been on time” – Marilyn Monroe

Eat a live toad first thing in the morning, and nothing worse can happen to you the rest of the day.

The trouble with our times is that the future is not what it used to be.

My schoolmates would make love to anything that moved, but I never saw any reason to limit myself.

Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.

“Inconceivable!” “I do not think that word means what you think it means.”

Oh, don’t fuss. I just cut myself. It’s no big deal,” REALLY MEANS, “I have actually severed a limb, but will bleed to death before I admit I’m hurt.”

I intend to live forever – so far, so good.

Life is complex: it has real and imaginary parts.

Climbers aim for the summit because it is there. Bungi jumpers dive off the top because they aren’t all there.

If con is the opposite of pro, congress is the opposite of progress.

In the beginning, God created earth and rested. Then God created man and rested. Then God created woman. Since then, neither God nor man has rested.

Make sure your mind isn’t so open that your brains fall out.

Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

I didn’t like my beard at first. Then it grew on me.

If quizzes are quizzical, what are tests?

It is wiser to find out than to suppose.—Mark Twain

What does a clock do when it’s hungry? It goes back four seconds.

Lead us not into temptation. Just tell us where it is; we’ll find it.

I am not a vegetarian because I love animals; I am a vegetarian because I hate plants.

Men are from earth. Women are from earth. Deal with it.

Don’t marry for money. You can borrow it cheaper.

We waste time, so you don’t have to.

My life has a superb cast but I can’t figure out the plot.

I married my wife for her looks... but not the ones she’s been giving me lately!

If the French were really intelligent, they’d speak English.

Why is the man that invests your money called a broker?

Somewhere on this globe, every ten seconds, is a woman giving birth to a child. She must be found and stopped.

It is well to remember the entire population of the universe, with one trifling exception, is composed of others.

There are three ways to get something done: do it yourself, hire someone, or forbid your kids to do it.

Everyone needs belief in something. I believe I’ll have another beer.

The sooner you fall behind the more time you’ll have to catch up.

Cole’s Law: Thinly sliced cabbage.

Tip the world over on its side and everything loose will land in Los Angeles.

Why does Sea World have a seafood restaurant? I’m halfway through my fish burger and I realize, Oh my gosh... I could be eating a slow learner.

Anyone who told you to be yourself couldn’t have given you worse advice.

111,111,111 x 111,111,111 = 12,345,678,987,654,321

One should forgive one’s enemies, but not before they are hanged.

When a clock is hungry, it goes back four seconds.

We’ve made great medical progress in the last generation. What used to be merely an itch is now an allergy.

Snowmen fall from Heaven unassembled.

Most vegetarians look so much like the food they eat that they can be classified as cannibals.

Don’t stop to stomp on ants when the elephants are stampeding.

Optimists believe we live on the greatest world. Pessimists believe this is true.

Ninety-nine per cent of the people in the world are fools and the rest of us are in great danger of contagion.

Prediction is extremely difficult. Especially about the future.

You can’t have everything. Where would you put it?

A dyslexic man walks into a bra.

Haunted French pancakes give me the crêpes.

I wonder how much deeper would the ocean be without sponges.

Velcro — what a rip off!

Tips for Vegetarians: Hit a chicken enough times and it turns into a vegetable.

I majored in liberal arts. Will that be for here or to go?

I hate women because they always know where things are.

I’m an idealist: I don’t know where I’m going, but I’m on my way.

Every time I look at you I get a fierce desire to be lonesome.

I stayed up all night to see where the sun went. Then it dawned on me.

The most precious thing we have is life. Yet it has absolutely no trade-in value.

When I’m not in my right mind, my left mind gets pretty crowded

I tried to photograph the fog, but I mist.

You look like a million dollars. All green and wrinkled.

“When in doubt tell the truth.”—Mark Twain

Military intelligence is a contradiction in terms.

Why is it that to stop Windows, you have to click on “Start”?

This Would Be Really Funny If It Weren’t Happening To Me.

I’m out of my mind, but feel free to leave a message.

The beatings will continue until morale improves.

If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?

By the time a man realises that his father was right, he has a son who thinks he’s wrong.

The art of flying is to throw yourself at the ground and miss.

You have to stay in shape. My grandmother, she started walking five miles a day when she was 60. She’s 97 today and we don’t know where the hell she is.

Five out of four people have trouble with fractions.

I have great faith in fools; my friends call it self-confidence.

I want to die peacefully in my sleep like my grandfather, not screaming in abject horror like his passengers.

Remember the teakettle; though up to its neck in hot water, it continues to sing.

“I could tell that my parents hated me. My bath toys were a toaster and a radio” — Rodney Dangerfield

Age is a very high price to pay for maturity.

Despite the cost of living it’s still very popular.

“How come we choose from just two people to run for president and 50 for Miss America?”

If we don’t succeed, we run the risk of failure.

“The object of war is not to die for your country but to make the other bastard die for his.” – General George Patton

How can you come out of a closet if you never went in there in the first place?

I like children. Properly cooked.

Honk if you love peace and quiet.

Statistics are like bikinis – What they reveal is suggestive, but what they conceal is vital.

It is not what a teenager knows that bothers his parents. It is how he found out.

Plan to be spontaneous tomorrow.

When he first ran for office, he appealed to the voters: “I never stole anything in my life. All I ask is a chance.”

You’re not drunk if you can lie on the floor without holding on.

Always remember you’re unique, just like everyone else.

What do you call a dinosaur with an extensive vocabulary? A thesaurus.

Smoking cures weight problems...eventually...

“Every mighty oak was once just a nut who stood his ground.”

Just because you’re not paranoid doesn’t mean they’re not out to get you.

If we learn by our mistakes, some of us are getting one hell of an education!

Some pain is physical, and some is mental, but one that’s both is dental.

Two strings walk into a bar. The first string says to the bartender, “Bartender, I’ll have a beer. u.5n$x5t?*&4ru!2[sACCErJ”. The second string says, “Pardon my friend, he isn’t NULL terminated”.

Programmer – A red-eyed, mumbling mammal capable of conversing with inanimate objects.

Democracy is the recurrent suspicion that more than half of the people are right more than half of the time.

On the plus side, death is one of the few things that can be done just as easily as lying down.

Never underestimate the power of very stupid people in large groups.

“Your mouse has moved. Windows must be restarted for the change to take effect. Reboot now ? [OK]”

A bachelor is a man who comes to work from a different direction each morning.

If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?

I arise in the morning torn between a desire to improve the world and a desire to enjoy the world. This makes it hard to plan the day.

Marriage changes passion... suddenly you’re in bed with a relative.

I guess traffic in the city is improving a little. Yesterday, I drove clear across town and only had to shave twice.

How do I set a laser printer to stun?

Proofread carefully to see if you any words out.

As long as there are tests, there will be prayer in public schools.

If all you have is a hammer, everything looks like a nail.

I have noticed that the people who are late are often so much jollier that the people who have to wait for them.

An egotist has one point in his favour – he doesn’t go round talking about other people.

Hypochondria is the only disease I haven’t got.

Brilliant, but with the social skills of a thermonuclear device.

Cheerfulness is contagious, but don’t wait to catch it from others. Be a carrier.

Blessed are the young, for they shall inherit the national debt.

My husband and I divorced over religious differences... He thought he was God and I didn’t.

“I worked in a pet shop and people kept asking how big I’d get” — Rodney Dangerfield

From the moment I picked your book up until I laid it down I was convulsed with laughter. Some day I intend reading it.

I don’t suffer from stress. I’m a carrier.

“C++ : Where friends have access to your private members.” — Gavin Russell Baker.

After all is said and done, more is said than done.

Nobody can be exactly like me. Even I have trouble doing it.

When life hands you a lemon, make lemonade.

Latest survey shows that 3 out of 4 people make up 75% of the world’s population.

Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.

I don’t have a solution but I admire the problem.

“Are you going to come quietly, or do I have to use earplugs?”—Vale Spike Milligan

You can always spot a well-informed man – his views are the same as yours.

Artificial Intelligence is no match for Natural Stupidity.

Why were the Indians here first? They had reservations.

Time is God’s way of keeping everything from happening at once.

On the keyboard of life, always keep one finger on the escape key.

Time sneaks up on you like a windshield on a bug.

They say you only use ten percent of your brain. What about the other ten?

Accept that some days you’re the pigeon, and some days you’re the statue.

Money can’t buy happiness, but it sure makes misery easier to live with.

Never argue with an idiot. They drag you down to their level then beat you with experience.

“I think there is a world market for maybe five computers.” — Thomas Watson, chairman of IBM, 1943.

If you’re born again, do you have two bellybuttons?

Show me a piano falling down a mineshaft and I’ll show you A-flat minor.

Some people are alive only because it’s illegal to kill them.

Everything you like is bad for you in some way.

What do you call a dinosaur with an extensive vocabulary? A thesaurus.

A conscience does not prevent sin. It only prevents you from enjoying it.

“There are only two things that are infinite: the universe and human stupidity. And I’m not sure about the universe.” A. Einstein

Alcohol: the cause of, and solution to, all of life’s problems.

A soldier who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran.

Venison for dinner again? Oh deer!

Never put off until tomorrow what you can avoid altogether.

Constipated People Don’t Give A Crap.

I haven’t spoken to my wife for 18 months: I don’t like to interrupt her.

Authority makes some people grow – and others just swell.

If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?

“Oh dear,” said God, “I hadn’t thought of that,” and promptly vanished in a puff of logic.

When angry count four, when very angry, swear.

The trouble with the rat race is that even if you win, you’re still a rat.

Allow me to introduce my selves.

Bacteria: the only culture some people have.

Warning: Dates in Calendar are closer than they appear.

All men are equal. Some are just more equal than others.

The more time you spend in reporting on what you are doing, the less time you have to do it in. Stability is achieved when you spend all your time doing nothing but reporting on the nothing you are doing.

Smith & Wesson — the original point and click interface.

I was the next door kid’s imaginary friend.

Nothing means nothing, but it isn’t really nothing because nothing is something that isn’t.

Jokes about German sausage are the wurst.

I have gone to look for myself, if I should return before I get back, keep me here.

Before marriage, a man yearns for the woman he loves. After marriage, the ‘Y’ becomes silent.

If life was fair, Elvis would be alive and all the impersonators would be dead.

He who trains his tongue to quote the learned sages, will be known far and wide as a smart ass.

It’s important to be open-minded, but not SO open-minded that your brains fall out.

Insanity is hereditary; you can get it from your children.

I don’t enjoy computer jokes; not one bit.

The early bird gets the worm, but the early worm gets eaten.

Someday we’ll look back on all this and plow into the back of a parked car.

Anything that can become tangled around something else, will.

“Life is a waste of time, time is a waste of life, so get wasted all of the time and have the time of your life”. — Tom Waits

If a President doesn’t do it to his wife, he’ll do it to his country.

This guy walks into a bar and the barman says “Ouch, that must have hurt”

My favorite mythical creature? The honest politician.

Anyone can admit they were wrong; the true test is admitting it to someone else.

Money is better than poverty, if only for financial reasons.

I stayed up all night to see where the sun went. Then it dawned on me.

Macho Law prohibits me from admitting I’m wrong.

INDECISION is the key to FLEXIBILITY.

If at first you don’t succeed, destroy all the evidence that you tried.

If you’re not wasted, the day is.

If everything is coming your way, you are probably in the wrong lane.

We must believe in free will, we have no choice.

Being a philosopher, I have a problem for every solution.

“As a matter of fact” is an expression that precedes many an expression that isn’t.

Energizer Bunny arrested: Charged with battery.

Cluster bombing from B-52s is very, very accurate – the bombs always hit the ground.

Just remember... if the world didn’t suck, we’d all fall off.

Every morning is the dawn of a new error.

It is even harder for the average ape to believe that he has descended from man.

Go the extra mile. It makes your boss look like an incompetent slacker.

As a final incentive before giving up a difficult task, try to imagine it successfully accomplished by someone you violently dislike.

Abel Tasman on discovering Tasmania, “Too far south for spices and too close to the rim of the earth to be inhabited by anything but freaks and monsters”

On the other hand you have different fingers.

I thought I made a mistake once, but I was wrong.

To define recursion, we must first define recursion.

“How can a president not be an actor?” – when asked “How could an actor become president?” – Ronald Reagan

Tell me what you need, and I’ll tell you how to get along without it.

Murphy’s Golden Rule: Whoever has the gold makes the rules.

The shortest distance between two points is under construction.

I like kids, but I don’t think I could eat a whole one.

“Managing senior programmers is like herding cats” — Dave Platt.

If a woman has to choose between catching a fly ball and saving an infant’s life, she will choose to save the infant’s life without even considering if there is a man on base.—Dave Barry

Hope sees the invisible, feels the intangible and achieves the impossible.

Humour. It is a difficult concept. It is not logical.

“I wish everyone was peaceful. Then I could take over the planet with a butter knife”—Dogbert

An Apple a day keeps the doctor away. But... an onion a day keeps everyone away.

When you come to a fork in the road, take it.

Next time you wave, use all your fingers.

I used to be a banker, but then I lost interest.

I am obviously right, and as you disagree with me, then logically you must be wrong.

I Refuse To Have A Battle Of Wits With An Unarmed Person.

The most powerful force in the universe is gossip.

Raising teenagers is like trying to nail Jell-O to a tree.

If you’re not confused, you’re not paying attention.

If automobiles had followed the same development cycle as the computer, a Rolls Royce would today cost $100, get a million miles per gallon, and explode once a year, killing everyone inside.

A study in the Washington Post says that women have better verbal skills than men. I just want to say to the authors of that study: “Duh.”— Conan O’Brien

We have two ends. One for sitting and one for thinking. Our success depends on which one we use most.

When you get a bladder infection, urine trouble.

To succeed in politics, it is often necessary to rise above your principles.

If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?

Moderation in all things, including moderation.

When all other means of communication fail, try words.

A bird in the hand is safer than one overhead.

All those who believe in psycho kinesis raise my hand.

I’m not afraid of heights, only widths.

Where do you find an Irish woodworm? Dead inside a brick.

The world is full of willing people; some willing to work, the rest willing to let them.

If I were two-faced, would I be wearing this one?

Technology is a way of organizing the universe so that man doesn’t have to experience it.

The chance of a piece of bread falling with the buttered side down is directly proportional to the cost of the carpet.

I spent most of my money on booze, drugs and women... The rest I wasted!

Be careful when reading health books; you may die of a misprint.

Outside of a dog, a book is probably man’s best friend, and inside of a dog, it’s too dark to read.

Make three correct guesses consecutively and you will establish yourself as an expert.

Confidence is the feeling you have before you understand the situation.

I don’t like people who take drugs... Customs Officers for example.

Did you hear about the cross-eyed teacher who lost her job because she couldn’t control her pupils?

Genius is 1% inspiration, and 99% perspiration.

If you want your spouse to listen and pay strict attention to every word you say, talk in your sleep.

Englishmen never will be slaves: they are free to do whatever the Government and public opinion allow them to do.

Everybody is ignorant, only on different subjects.

Killed - Personality Incompatibility

A pessimist is a man who has been compelled to live with an optimist

A guy got arrested for playing the guitar. He was fingering a minor.

I think, therefore I am single.

I installed a skylight in my apartment. The people who live above me are furious.

“I have never let my schooling interfere with my education.”—Mark Twain

I tried sniffing Coke once, but the ice cubes got stuck in my nose.

“This report, by its very length, defends itself against the risk of being read”. — Winston Churchill

Men have a much better time of it than women; for one thing, they marry later; for another thing they die earlier.

Always do sober what you said you’d do drunk. That will teach you to keep your mouth shut.

If someone with multiple personalities threatens suicide... is it considered a hostage situation?

Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?

Some people are alive only because it’s illegal to kill them.

My mind not only wanders, sometimes it leaves completely.

I like to start my periods with sentences.

Foolproof systems don’t take into account the ingenuity of fools.

I am free of all prejudices. I hate everyone equally.

A hangover is the wrath of grapes.

The best computer is a man, and it’s the only one that can be mass-produced by unskilled labour.

Support bacteria – they’re the only culture some people have.

It is hard to understand how a cemetery raised its burial charges and blamed it on the cost of living.

If people concentrated on the really important things in life, there’d be a shortage of fishing poles.

You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They left a little note on the windscreen, it said ‘Parking Fine.’

Half our life is spent trying to find something to do with the time we have rushed through life trying to save.

I don’t necessarily agree with everything I say.

For people who like peace and quiet – a phoneless cord.

Whenever people agree with me, I always feel I must be wrong.

I started out with nothing, and I still have most of it.

“My wife made me join a bridge club. I jump off next Tuesday” — Rodney Dangerfield

Marriage is not a word; it is a sentence.

I wished the buck stopped here, as I could use a few.

The man who fell into an upholstery machine is fully recovered.

Doctor, Doctor I keep getting pains in the eye when I drink coffee. Have you tried taking the spoon out?

Early to rise, early to bed, makes a man healthy but socially dead.

Quantum: Noun, word used to sound like I know what I’m talking about while discussing physics I’ve never actually studied.

Shin: a device for finding furniture in the dark.

Man who drive like hell bound to get there.

A bargain is something you don’t need at a price you can’t resist.

Illiterate? Write For Help.

I had some words with my wife, and she had some paragraphs with me.

Life... I don’t get it...

An army of deer led by a lion is more to be feared than an army of lions led by a deer.

Even paranoids have real enemies.

There are 10 types of people in the world: Those who understand binary, and those who don’t.

Knowledge is the key, but where is the damn lock?

Ever stop to think and forget to start again?

Caution – Driver Legally Blonde!

Stupidity is not a handicap. Park elsewhere!

Best way to get a man to do something, is to suggest they are too old for it.

Honest criticism is hard to take, particularly from a relative, a friend, an acquaintance, or a stranger.

Man shoots neighbour with machete [The Miami Herald, July 3]

Applying computer technology is simply finding the right wrench to pound in the correct screw.

Experience is simply the name we give our mistakes.

When your IQ reaches 80 –– sell.

If you can’t be kind, at least have the decency to be vague.

Men don’t care what’s on TV. They only care what else is on TV.

I don’t suffer from stress. I’m a carrier.

Having more money doesn’t make you happier. I have 50 million dollars but I’m just as happy as when I had 48 million. ~ Arnold Schwarzenegger.

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Experience is something you do not get until just after you need it.

Anywhere is walking distance, if you’ve got the time.

Success always occurs in private, and failure in full public view.

If you can’t convince them, confuse them.

Some people are going to leave a mark on this world, while others will leave a stain.

I have the body of a GOD – Buddha.

If you want a committed man, look in a mental hospital.

It doesn’t matter what temperature the room is; it’s always room temperature.

If money talks, it ain’t on speakin’ terms with me.

Youth would be an ideal state if it came a little later in life.

One of the greatest labour-saving inventions today is tomorrow.

Never put both feet in your mouth at the same time, because then you don’t have a leg to stand on.

I can please only one person per day. Today is not your day. Tomorrow isn’t looking good either.

Once, during prohibition, I was forced to live for days on nothing but food and water.

I’m not into working out. My philosophy: No pain, no pain.

“I believe in equality for everyone, except reporters and photographers”. — Gandhi

Vote for the man who promises least; he’ll be the least disappointing.

In a Norwegian cocktail lounge: Ladies are requested not to have children in the bar.

Impotence: Nature’s Way Of Saying “No Hard Feelings”.

It’s hard to face the problem, when the problem is your face.

It is a fitting irony that under Richard Nixon, ‘launder’ became a dirty word.

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Why is it that doctors call what they do “practice”?

A bird does not sing because it has an answer—it sings because it has a song.

“If carrots are so good for the eyes, how come I see so many dead rabbits on the highway?”

Get even – live long enough to be a problem to your kids.

Time flies like an arrow – fruit flies like a banana.

Maybe I’m lucky to be going so slowly, because I may be going in the wrong direction.

Don’t Be Sexist – Broads Hate That.

“This ‘telephone’ has too many shortcomings to be seriously considered as a means of communication.” — Western Union internal memo, 1876.

Hemp is a herb. Bush is a dope.

If olive oil comes from olives, where does baby oil come from?

Marathon runners with bad footwear suffer the agony of defeat.

Isn’t having a smoking section in a restaurant like having a peeing section in a swimming pool?

It is not my interest to pay the principal, nor my principal to pay the interest.

Solitude is fine, but you need someone to tell you that solitude is fine.

Man who run behind car get exhausted.

I changed my iPod’s name to Titanic. It’s syncing now.

The trouble with jogging is that, by the time you realise you’re not in shape for it, it’s far too far to walk back.

“#define QUESTION ((bb) || !(bb))” — Shakespeare

Take my advice, I don’t use it anyway.

“The generation of random numbers is too important to be left to chance.” — Robert R. Coveyou, Oak Ridge National Laboratory.

Never buy a car you can’t push.

Democracy is a process by which people are free to choose the man who will get the blame.

A backwards poet writes inverse.

There’s a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot.

The light at the end of the tunnel has been turned off due to budget cuts.

Laugh at your problems; everybody else does.

Time’s fun when you’re having flies... Kermit the Frog

Everybody lies, but it doesn’t matter since nobody listens.

At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be “What is hell?” Come early and listen to our choir practice.

Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.

If you think nobody cares if you’re alive, try missing a couple of car payments.

A clean tie attracts the soup of the day.

A printer consists of three main parts: the case, the jammed paper tray and the blinking red light

Even crime wouldn’t pay if the government ran it.

How do you know if a fish is Irish? It has drowned.

There are two kinds of people, those who finish what they start, and so on.

Pardon my driving, I am reloading.

If I have to work for an idiot, I might as well work for myself.

AIBOHPHOBIA – the fear of palindromes.

Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

One good turn gets most of the blankets.

Always try to be modest and be proud of it!

Comedy is tragedy plus time.

There are very few personal problems that cannot be solved through a suitable application of high explosives.

Is Disney World the only people trap operated by a mouse?

Borrow money from pessimists- they don’t expect to get it back.

You’re such an inspiration for the way I’ll never choose to be.

How do you sink an Irish Submarine? Knock on the hatch.

“Then he ran into my knife. He ran into my knife ten times.” – Chicago

Where there’s a will, I want to be in it.

Plagiarism saves time.

Whenever there is any doubt, there is no doubt.

“They say hard work never hurt anybody, but I figure why take the chance.” – Ronald Reagan

For Sale: Parachute. Only used once, never opened, small stain.

In the office of a Roman doctor: Specialist in women and other diseases.

Restarting System - Mouse Moved

The surprising thing about young fools is how many survive to become old fools.

Plato is dead, Einstein is dead, and I’m not feeling too good myself...

“Things are more like they are now than they ever were before.” – Former U.S. President Dwight D. Eisenhower

Lord, if you won’t make me skinny, please make all my friends fat.

If At First You Don’t Succeed... Blame Someone Else And Seek Counseling.

You have the right to your opinions. I just don’t want to hear them.

If trees could scream, would we be so cavalier about cutting them down? We might, if they screamed all the time, for no good reason.

When in doubt, mumble.

You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say will be misquoted then used against you.

Politicians are people who, when they see the light at the end of the tunnel, go out and buy more tunnel.

Be thankful for problems. If they were less difficult, someone with less ability might have your job.

Be kind to your dentist. He has fillings, too.

“Auntie Em: hate you, hate Kansas, taking the dog.” – Dorothy

Chaos, panic, & disorder – my work here is done.

This girl said she recognized me from the vegetarian club, but I’d never met herbivore

God must love stupid people, he made so many.

There is no such thing as an underestimate of average intelligence

Sometimes I think the surest sign that intelligent life exists elsewhere in the universe is that none of it has tried to contact us.

I envy people who drink – at least they know what to blame everything on.

I don’t meet competition. I crush it

I couldn’t repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.

“There are two major products that come out of Berkeley: LSD and UNIX. We don’t believe this to be a coincidence.” — Jeremy S. Anderson

A drop of ink may make a million think.

A team effort is a lot of people doing what I say

You’ll never get to heaven if you’re scared of getting high.

I always wanted to be somebody, but I should have been more specific.

Never go to a doctor whose office plants have died.

All the toilets in New York’s police stations have been stolen. The police have nothing to go on.

“Reading computer manuals without the hardware is as frustrating as reading sex manuals without the software.” — Arthur C. Clarke.

Just because your head is the biggest doesn’t mean it contains the right ideas.

“Always be sincere, even when you don’t mean it”. — Irene Peter

Errors have been made. Others will be blamed.

“If women didn’t exist, all the money in the world would have no meaning.” – Aristotle Onassis

Compromise: the art of dividing a cake so that everybody believes he or she got the biggest piece.

In a Tokyo shop: Our nylons cost more than common, but you’ll find they are best in the long run.

No problem is so big and complicated that it can’t be ran away from.

If you don’t know where you are going, you might wind up someplace else.

Two signs from a Majorcan shop entrance: English well speaking / Here speeching American.

I generally avoid temptation unless I can’t resist it.

If at first you don’t succeed, skydiving is not your sport.

To find out a girl’s faults, praise her to her girl friends.

Anything’s possible... apart from skiing through a revolving door.

Some people say that I must be a horrible person, but that’s not true. I have the heart of a young boy – in a jar on my desk.

If you don’t learn to laugh at troubles, you won’t have anything to laugh at when you grow old.

People can be divided into three groups: Those who make things happen, those who watch things happen, and those who wonder what happened.

If sex is such a natural phenomenon, how come there are so many books on how to do it.

My girlfriend told me I should be more affectionate. So I got two more girlfriends.

Being in the army is like being in the Boy Scouts, except that the Boy Scouts have adult supervision.

The dictionary is the only place where success comes before work.

“I am not worried about the deficit. It is big enough to take care of itself.” – Ronald Reagan

When I was a boy I was told that anybody could become president; I’m beginning to believe it.

Bigamy is having one wife too many. Monogamy is the same. – Oscar Wilde

How did Moses make his tea? Hebrews it.

Half of being smart is knowing what you are dumb at.

Age is a question of mind over matter. If you don’t mind, it don’t matter.

In the beginning, there was nothing. Then God said, “Let there be light,” and there was still nothing, but you could see it.

Fundamentalism: Believe in a kind, loving God or we’ll kill you!

A person who smiles in the face of adversity... probably has a scapegoat.

“The best thing about the future is that it comes only one day at a time.” – Abraham Lincoln

There’s a fine line between genius and insanity. I have erased this line.

Eschew obfuscation.

Well, this day was a total waste of makeup.

A conclusion is simply the place where you got tired of thinking.

Seen it all, done it all, can’t remember most of it.

I think animal testing is a terrible idea; they get all nervous and give the wrong answers.

Connection Reset By Aboriginal With Wire Cutters

Confidence is the feeling you have before you understand the situation

The sooner you fall behind the more time you’ll have to catch up.

Where you stand depends on where you sit.

I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.

The fellow who thinks he knows it all is especially annoying to those of us who do.

If at first you don’t succeed, try, try again. Then quit. There’s no use being a damned fool about it.

It’s not that I’m afraid to die; I just don’t want to be there when it happens.

People don’t grow up; they just learn how to act in public.

Eagles may soar, but weasels don’t get sucked into jet engines.

If you do not make dust, you eat dust.

I love being married. It’s so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.

I plead contemporary insanity.

Santa’s helpers are subordinate clauses.

If vegetable oil comes from vegetables, where does baby oil come from?

Wine divulges truth.

In democracy it’s your vote that counts. In feudalism it’s your count that votes.

The dumber people think you are, the more surprised they’re going to be when you kill them—Rodney Dangerfield

It is said that if you line up all the cars in the world end to end, someone would be stupid enough to try and pass them.

Madness takes its toll. Please have exact change.

Women like silent men. They think they’re listening.

Sheep don’t fly so much as plummet.

Heck is where people go who don’t believe in gosh.

If it weren’t for the last minute, nothing would ever get done.

The earthquake in Washington obviously was the government’s fault.

Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?

If you can’t convince them, confuse them.

Doctor, Doctor You’ve got to help me – I just can’t stop my hands shaking. Do you drink a lot? Not really – I spill most of it!

Shin: a device for finding furniture in the dark.

“Blink your eyelids periodically to lubricate your eyes.” — Page 16 of the HP “Environmental, Health Safety Handbook for Employees”.

Someone sent me a postcard picture of the earth. On the back it said, “Wish you were here.”

Perhaps you’re diagonally parked in a parallel universe?

It’s just a job. Grass grows, birds fly, waves pound the sand. I just beat people up. – Muhammad Ali

As the light changed from red to green to yellow and back to red again, I sat there thinking about life. Was it nothing more than a bunch of honking and yelling? Sometimes it seemed that way.

He who laughs last thinks slowest.

A dog that attends a flea circus most likely will steal the whole show.

Jokes about German sausage are the wurst.

An Irish man was driving to the airport when he saw a sign saying ‘Airport – Left’... So he went home.

Any ship can be a minesweeper... once.

I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol.

I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.

The amount of work to be done increases in proportion to the amount of work already completed. — VAIL’S SECOND AXIOM

Legend: a lie that has attained the dignity of age.

Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7th of your life.

Bachelors know more about women than married men; if they didn’t they’d be married too.

If a job is worth doing well get someone else to do it.

I used to think I was indecisive, but now I’m not sure.

Streakers beware: Your end is in sight.

I spilled spot remover on my dog. Now he’s gone.

If ever I get married again it would have to be under an anaesthetic.

Living is not worth dying for.

It’s not hard to meet expenses, they’re everywhere.

One day I will get this peer guy and reset his connection.

Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian any more than going to the garage makes you a car.

My husband says I never listen to him (at least I think that’s what he said)

I am a nobody, nobody is perfect, therefore I’m perfect.

Eagles may soar, but weasels don’t get sucked into jet engines.

“Thinking is the hardest work there is, which is probably why so few engage in it”. — Henry Ford

At the age of six I wanted to be a cook. At seven I wanted to be Napoleon. And my ambition has been growing steadily ever since.

The second day of a diet is alway easier than the first. By the second day, you’re off it.

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