Amusing Quotes & One-Liners — Ned Martin’s Amused

Amusing Quotes & One-Liners

This girl said she recognized me from the vegetarian club, but I’d never met herbivore

“I think there is a world market for maybe five computers.” — Thomas Watson, chairman of IBM, 1943.

When you get a bladder infection, urine trouble.

“Reader, suppose you were an idiot. And suppose you were a member of Congress. But I repeat myself”. — Mark Twain

From the moment I picked your book up until I laid it down I was convulsed with laughter. Some day I intend reading it.

“You can always count on Americans to do the right thing—after they’ve tried everything else” – Winston Churchill

In a Copenhagen airline ticket office: We take your bags and send them in all directions.

Warning: Dates in Calendar are closer than they appear.

When life hands you a lemon, make lemonade.

I either want less corruption, or more chance to participate in it.

Save the whales. Collect the whole set.

I stayed up all night to see where the sun went. Then it dawned on me.

Every time I look at you I get a fierce desire to be lonesome.

The surprising thing about young fools is how many survive to become old fools.

At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be “What is hell?” Come early and listen to our choir practice.

If you don’t know where you are going, you will wind up somewhere else.

You can always spot a well-informed man – his views are the same as yours.

How do you keep an Irishman busy? Write P.T.O on both sides of a piece of paper.

99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.

If you don’t know where you are going, you might wind up someplace else.

“The best thing about the future is that it comes only one day at a time.” – Abraham Lincoln

You have to stay in shape. My grandmother, she started walking five miles a day when she was 60. She’s 97 today and we don’t know where the hell she is.

Restarting System - Mouse Moved

Climbers aim for the summit because it is there. Bungi jumpers dive off the top because they aren’t all there.

I thought I made a mistake once, but I was wrong.

“A patriot must always be ready to defend his country against his government”. — Edward Abbey

Partying... oops No Only Parting... sorry

“Every mighty oak was once just a nut who stood his ground.”

Everybody is somebody else’s weirdo.

If at first you don’t succeed, destroy all the evidence that you tried.

“Inconceivable!” “I do not think that word means what you think it means.”

I am not a vegetarian because I love animals; I am a vegetarian because I hate plants.

I used to be apathetic, but now I don’t give a damn.

Conscience is the inner voice warning us that someone may be looking.

The short fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.

Does this smell like chloroform to you?

“Reading computer manuals without the hardware is as frustrating as reading sex manuals without the software.” — Arthur C. Clarke.

Don’t Be Sexist – Broads Hate That.

Be nice to your kids. They’ll choose your nursing home.

Cleverly Disguised As A Responsible Adult.

I think, therefore I am single.

Without question, the greatest invention in the history of mankind is beer. Oh, I grant you that the wheel was also a fine invention, but the wheel does not go nearly as well with pizza.

Latest survey shows that 3 out of 4 people make up 75% of the world’s population.

Where do you find an Irish woodworm? Dead inside a brick.

“When you starve with a tiger, the tiger starves last”. — Griffin’s Thought

If a woman has to choose between catching a fly ball and saving an infant’s life, she will choose to save the infant’s life without even considering if there is a man on base.—Dave Barry

Those who can laugh without cause have either found the true meaning of happiness or have gone stark raving mad.

Horn broken. Watch for finger. (on bumper sticker)

If trees could scream, would we be so cavalier about cutting them down? We might, if they screamed all the time, for no good reason.

I wondered why the baseball was getting bigger. Then it hit me.

Remember half the people you know are below average.

I used to be a banker, but then I lost interest.

My husband and I divorced over religious differences... He thought he was God and I didn’t.

If money talks, it ain’t on speakin’ terms with me.

I don’t suffer from stress. I’m a carrier.

“Banking establishments are more dangerous than standing armies”. — Thomas Jefferson

The scientific theory I like best is that the rings of Saturn are composed entirely of lost airline luggage.

Why is the man that invests your money called a broker?

People don’t grow up; they just learn how to act in public.

To succeed in politics, it is often necessary to rise above your principles.

If Bill Gates had a nickel for every time Windows crashed... oh wait, he does.

In a Tokyo shop: Our nylons cost more than common, but you’ll find they are best in the long run.

If you don’t know why I’m mad at you, then I’m certainly not going to tell you

They told me I had type A blood, but it was a Type O

Alcohol: the cause of, and solution to, all of life’s problems.

Don’t use a big word where a diminutive one will suffice.

Comedy is tragedy plus time.

The sooner you fall behind the more time you’ll have to catch up.

If you can stay calm, while all around you is chaos... then you probably haven’t completely understood the situation.

Insanity is hereditary; you can get it from your children.

In the beginning, God created earth and rested. Then God created man and rested. Then God created woman. Since then, neither God nor man has rested.

My mind not only wanders, sometimes it leaves completely.

“If women didn’t exist, all the money in the world would have no meaning.” – Aristotle Onassis

We Quit Voting Will They All Go Away?

I haven’t spoken to my wife for 18 months: I don’t like to interrupt her.

It’s just a job. Grass grows, birds fly, waves pound the sand. I just beat people up. – Muhammad Ali

A team effort is a lot of people doing what I say

Nobody can be exactly like me. Even I have trouble doing it.

I don’t suffer from stress. I’m a carrier.

Two strings walk into a bar. The first string says to the bartender, “Bartender, I’ll have a beer. u.5n$x5t?*&4ru!2[sACCErJ”. The second string says, “Pardon my friend, he isn’t NULL terminated”.

It is a fitting irony that under Richard Nixon, ‘launder’ became a dirty word.

Not all men are annoying. Some are dead.

Sometimes I wake up grumpy; other times I let her sleep

I am a nobody, nobody is perfect, therefore I’m perfect.

If we aren’t supposed to eat animals, why are they made of meat?

I love cats – they taste just like chicken.

Bacteria: the only culture some people have.

Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.

When all other means of communication fail, try words.

111,111,111 x 111,111,111 = 12,345,678,987,654,321

We are going on a field trip to the Coca-Cola factory. I hope there are no pop quizzes.

When I was young, I could remember anything. Whether it happened or not.

Broken pencils are pointless.

Why do we wash bath towels, aren’t we clean when we use them?

As the light changed from red to green to yellow and back to red again, I sat there thinking about life. Was it nothing more than a bunch of honking and yelling? Sometimes it seemed that way.

I have great faith in fools; my friends call it self-confidence.

Make three correct guesses consecutively and you will establish yourself as an expert.

Artificial Intelligence is no match for Natural Stupidity.

Bachelors know more about women than married men; if they didn’t they’d be married too.

If olive oil comes from olives, where does baby oil come from?

How do you know if a fish is Irish? It has drowned.

Tell me what you need, and I’ll tell you how to get along without it.

When in trouble, fear or doubt, run in circles, scream and shout.

Instead of getting married again, I’m going to find a woman I don’t like and just give her a house.—Rod Stewart

Politicians are people who, when they see the light at the end of the tunnel, go out and buy more tunnel.

Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?

Seeing a murder on television...will help work off one’s antagonisms. And if you haven’t any antagonisms, the commercials will give you some.

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Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

Remember... Marriage is the number one cause of divorce. Statistically, 100% of all divorces started with marriage.

When in doubt, mumble.

He’s so lazy. I’ve seen him step into a revolving door and wait.

If I were two-faced, would I be wearing this one?

Plan to be spontaneous tomorrow.

A procrastinator’s work is never done.

“Einstein argued that there must be simplified explanations of nature, because God is not capricious or arbitrary. No such faith comforts the software engineer.” — Fred Brooks.

I wonder how much deeper would the ocean be without sponges.

I tried to photograph the fog, but I mist.

Just because your head is the biggest doesn’t mean it contains the right ideas.

Next time you wave, use all your fingers.

Acupuncture is a jab well done.

When I’m not in my right mind, my left mind gets pretty crowded

Is Disney World the only people trap operated by a mouse?

I Refuse To Have A Battle Of Wits With An Unarmed Person.

Be kind to your dentist. He has fillings, too.

Before you give a colleague a piece of your mind, be sure you can spare it.

The dumber people think you are, the more surprised they’re going to be when you kill them—Rodney Dangerfield

Help Wanted: Telepath. You know where to apply.

A bird in the hand is safer than one overhead.

Being single is like a vacuum. It sucks when you are turned on.

Being in the army is like being in the Boy Scouts, except that the Boy Scouts have adult supervision.

I took an IQ test and the results were negative.

A conscience does not prevent sin. It only prevents you from enjoying it.

“You have to be careful about being too careful” – Beryl Pfizer

There are very few personal problems that cannot be solved through a suitable application of high explosives.

It’s not that I’m afraid to die; I just don’t want to be there when it happens.

A study in the Washington Post says that women have better verbal skills than men. I just want to say to the authors of that study: “Duh.”— Conan O’Brien

Englishmen never will be slaves: they are free to do whatever the Government and public opinion allow them to do.

Someone sent me a postcard picture of the earth. On the back it said, “Wish you were here.”

Anywhere is walking distance, if you’ve got the time.

Experience is simply the name we give our mistakes.

Don’t talk unless you can improve the silence.

To find out a girl’s faults, praise her to her girl friends.

I majored in liberal arts. Will that be for here or to go?

If you can’t be kind, at least have the decency to be vague.

Love is blind, but marriage is a real eye-opener.

Be careful when reading health books; you may die of a misprint.

It is well to remember the entire population of the universe, with one trifling exception, is composed of others.

When a clock is hungry, it goes back four seconds.

Marriage is not a word; it is a sentence.

It is not my interest to pay the principal, nor my principal to pay the interest.

History will be kind to me for I intend to write it. – Winston Churchill

A bargain is something you don’t need at a price you can’t resist.

Time’s fun when you’re having flies... Kermit the Frog

“If carrots are so good for the eyes, how come I see so many dead rabbits on the highway?”

Democracy is a government where you can say what you think even if you don’t think.

Smith & Wesson — the original point and click interface.

Madness takes its toll. Please have exact change.

“When in doubt tell the truth.”—Mark Twain

After all is said and done, more is said than done.

“People who drink light beer don’t like the taste of beer; they just like to pee a lot” — Rodney Dangerfield

Why does Sea World have a seafood restaurant? I’m halfway through my fish burger and I realize, Oh my gosh... I could be eating a slow learner.

Never argue with an idiot. They drag you down to their level then beat you with experience.

It’s not hard to meet expenses, they’re everywhere.

When he first ran for office, he appealed to the voters: “I never stole anything in my life. All I ask is a chance.”

There are two types of people in this world, good and bad. The good sleep better, but the bad seem to enjoy the waking hours much more.

Why were the Indians here first? They had reservations.

It’s bad luck to be superstitious.

If a man opens a car door for a woman, either the car is new or the woman.

Don’t look back. Something may be gaining on you.

“This ‘telephone’ has too many shortcomings to be seriously considered as a means of communication.” — Western Union internal memo, 1876.

The chance of a piece of bread falling with the buttered side down is directly proportional to the cost of the carpet.

Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.

I can resist everything except temptation.

What happens if you get scared half to death twice?

Constipated People Don’t Give A Crap.

PMS jokes aren’t funny. Period.

Why don’t you ever see the headline “Psychic Wins Lottery”?

There are only three kinds of people; people who can count and people who can’t.

Heck is where people go who don’t believe in gosh.

Jokes about German sausage are the wurst.

“I’ve noticed that everyone who is for abortion has already been born.” – Ronald Reagan

Accept that some days you’re the pigeon, and some days you’re the statue.

A pessimist is a man who has been compelled to live with an optimist

You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.

Statistics are like bikinis – What they reveal is suggestive, but what they conceal is vital.

“You start coding. I’ll go find out what they want.” — Computer analyst to programmer

Promises are like babies: fun to make, but hell to deliver.

Quantum mechanics: The dreams stuff is made of.

Doctor, Doctor You’ve got to help me – I just can’t stop my hands shaking. Do you drink a lot? Not really – I spill most of it!

I envy people who drink – at least they know what to blame everything on.

You have the right to your opinions. I just don’t want to hear them.

In a Budapest zoo: Please do not feed the animals. If you have any suitable food, give it to the guard on duty.

A penny saved is a Congressional spending oversight.

On the other hand you have different fingers.

Chipped dishes never break.

It has recently been discovered that research causes cancer in rats.

What do you call a dinosaur with an extensive vocabulary? A thesaurus.

A drop of ink may make a million think.

Man does not live by words alone, despite the fact that sometimes he has to eat them.

Brilliant, but with the social skills of a thermonuclear device.

Honk if you love peace and quiet.

Whenever people agree with me, I always feel I must be wrong.

If at first you do succeed, try to hide your astonishment.

Am I getting smart with you? How would you know?

“I believe in equality for everyone, except reporters and photographers”. — Gandhi

How do I set a laser printer to stun?

To define recursion, we must first define recursion.

If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?

I used to be a Kleptomaniac, But now I’m taking something for it

We have two ends. One for sitting and one for thinking. Our success depends on which one we use most.

He who smiles in a crisis has found someone to blame.

There are three ways to get something done: do it yourself, hire someone, or forbid your kids to do it.

Arguing on the Internet is like competing in the Special Olympics – even if you win, you are still retarded.

“Thinking is the hardest work there is, which is probably why so few engage in it”. — Henry Ford

It is said that if you line up all the cars in the world end to end, someone would be stupid enough to try and pass them.

How Many Roads Must A Man Travel Down Before He Admits He Is Lost?

One should forgive one’s enemies, but not before they are hanged.

A printer consists of three main parts: the case, the jammed paper tray and the blinking red light

I’m in no shape to exercise.

Don’t be irreplaceable; if you cannot be replaced, you cannot be promoted.

I’m not afraid of heights, only widths.

Somewhere on this globe, every ten seconds, is a woman giving birth to a child. She must be found and stopped.

So Many Pedestrians – So Little Time.

The truth is a precious commodity. That’s why I use it so sparingly.

If you want a committed man, look in a mental hospital.

Did you hear about the cross-eyed teacher who lost her job because she couldn’t control her pupils?

Life is far too important to be taken seriously.

Hard work never killed anybody but why take the chance?

Better to remain silent and be thought a fool, than to speak and remove all doubt.

My favorite mythical creature? The honest politician.

e=mc^2 where m = the number of cooks required to spoil the broth

Mental Floss prevents Moral Decay.

A clean tie attracts the soup of the day.

Knowledge is the key, but where is the damn lock?

Remember the teakettle; though up to its neck in hot water, it continues to sing.

Just because you’re not paranoid doesn’t mean they’re not out to get you.

I have gone to look for myself, if I should return before I get back, keep me here.

I’m sorry; you cannot have an outlook on life because it isn’t responding. Microsoft apologises for any inconvenience.

Borrow money from pessimists- they don’t expect to get it back.

I’m out of my mind, but feel free to leave a message.

The things that come to those that wait may be the things left by those who got there first.

Money is flat and meant to be piled up. – Scottish Proverb

“The generation of random numbers is too important to be left to chance.” — Robert R. Coveyou, Oak Ridge National Laboratory.

If sex is such a natural phenomenon, how come there are so many books on how to do it.

If we don’t succeed, we run the risk of failure.

One good turn gets most of the blankets.

The sooner you fall behind the more time you’ll have to catch up.

I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.

I’m an apathetic sociopath – I’d kill you if I cared.

Jack and Jill did it for the insurance.

A dog that attends a flea circus most likely will steal the whole show.

The human brain is a wonderful thing. It starts working the moment you are born, and never stops until you stand up to speak in public.

Everything is possible; just not too probable.

“I am not worried about the deficit. It is big enough to take care of itself.” – Ronald Reagan

Two signs from a Majorcan shop entrance: English well speaking / Here speeching American.

An Apple a day keeps the doctor away. But... an onion a day keeps everyone away.

A conclusion is simply the place where you got tired of thinking.

“Always in motion the future is. Seasick it makes me. That’s why so green I am”. – Yoda

Seen it all, done it all, can’t remember most of it.

A diplomatic husband said to his wife, how do you expect me to remember your birthday when you never look any older?

I’m quite easy to get along with, once you learn to beckon at my every call and yield to all my desires.

I often quote myself; it adds spice to my conversation.

To B or not to B? *kills the B* I HATE BEES!!!! – LynxofCP

What’s the definition of a will? (It’s a dead giveaway).

Work expands to fill the time available. — PARKINSON’S LAW

Always remember you’re unique, just like everyone else.

Love is like an hourglass, with the heart filling up as the brain empties.

If you think nobody cares if you’re alive, try missing a couple of car payments.

Never go to a doctor whose office plants have died.

Maybe I’m lucky to be going so slowly, because I may be going in the wrong direction.

Tips for Vegetarians: Hit a chicken enough times and it turns into a vegetable.

Laugh and the world laughs with you; snore and you sleep alone.

I live in my own little world, but it’s ok they know me here.

There’s a difference between being open-minded and having a hole in your head

I fear my inferiority complex is not as good as yours.

Some people are going to leave a mark on this world, while others will leave a stain.

Friends may come and go, but enemies accumulate

Laugh at your problems; everybody else does.

Foolproof systems don’t take into account the ingenuity of fools.

I love being married. It’s so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.

If everything is coming your way, you are probably in the wrong lane.

Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.

If I’d known I was going to live this long, I’d have taken better care of myself.

I did a theatrical performance about puns. It was a play on words.

There are 10 types of people in the world: Those who understand binary, and those who don’t.

Sheep don’t fly so much as plummet.

Early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.

A great many people think they are thinking when they are merely rearranging their prejudices.

“There are only two things that are infinite: the universe and human stupidity. And I’m not sure about the universe.” A. Einstein

I love deadlines. I especially like the whooshing sound they make as they go flying by.

Plato is dead, Einstein is dead, and I’m not feeling too good myself...

In the office of a Roman doctor: Specialist in women and other diseases.

I laugh in the face of danger, except if I’m involved.

That which cannot be taken apart will fall apart.

If all you have is a hammer, everything looks like a nail.

Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian any more than going to the garage makes you a car.

Shin: a device for finding furniture in the dark.

By the time a man realises that his father was right, he has a son who thinks he’s wrong.

It is hard enough to remember my opinions, without also remembering my reasons for them!

I work hard because millions on welfare depend on me.

Success always occurs in private, and failure in full public view.

Make sure your mind isn’t so open that your brains fall out.

A person who smiles in the face of adversity... probably has a scapegoat.

Roses are red, Violets are blue. In Soviet Russia, Poems write you.

“I could tell that my parents hated me. My bath toys were a toaster and a radio” — Rodney Dangerfield

The only difference between Genius and Insanity... is success.

It’s hard to face the problem, when the problem is your face.

“Few things are harder to put up with than a good example.”—Mark Twain

It is a small world, but I wouldn’t like to have to paint it.

The difference between a stepping-stone and a stumbling block can be when you see it.

“I have never let my schooling interfere with my education.”—Mark Twain

Isn’t having a smoking section in a restaurant like having a peeing section in a swimming pool?

Pardon my driving, I am reloading.

Work: It isn’t just for sleeping anymore.

Man who eat many prunes get good run for money.

I changed my iPod’s name to Titanic. It’s syncing now.

Humour. It is a difficult concept. It is not logical.

The shortest distance between two points is under construction.

How can you come out of a closet if you never went in there in the first place?

Money can’t buy happiness, but it sure makes misery easier to live with.

The illegal we do immediately. The unconstitutional takes a little longer. – Henry Kissinger

“Then he ran into my knife. He ran into my knife ten times.” – Chicago

When Chemists die, they barium.

Anything not nailed down is mine. Anything I can pry loose is not nailed down.

You’re not drunk if you can lie on the floor without holding on.

Be thankful for problems. If they were less difficult, someone with less ability might have your job.

The more time you spend in reporting on what you are doing, the less time you have to do it in. Stability is achieved when you spend all your time doing nothing but reporting on the nothing you are doing.

AIBOHPHOBIA – the fear of palindromes.

Anything not nailed down is a cat toy.

I guess traffic in the city is improving a little. Yesterday, I drove clear across town and only had to shave twice.

Chaos, panic, & disorder – my work here is done.

I don’t like people who take drugs... Customs Officers for example.

I don’t necessarily agree with everything I say.

Snowmen fall from Heaven unassembled.

When your IQ reaches 80 –– sell.

This Would Be Really Funny If It Weren’t Happening To Me.

Age always corresponds inversely to the size of your multivitamin.

Character is what you are in the dark.

Cab drivers are living proof that practice does not make perfect.

Never buy a car you can’t push.

Streakers beware: Your end is in sight.

If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?

Murphy’s Golden Rule: Whoever has the gold makes the rules.

I stayed up all night to see where the sun went. Then it dawned on me.

I hope that after I die, people will say of me: “That guy sure owed me a lot of money.”

If you’re not wasted, the day is.

A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a train stops. On my desk I have a workstation...

Marriage changes passion... suddenly you’re in bed with a relative.

“Everyday I beat my own previous record for number of consecutive days I’ve stayed alive.”

I heard a man say that brigands demand your money or your life, whereas women require both.

One day I will get this peer guy and reset his connection.

Plagiarism saves time.

Time is a great teacher, but unfortunately it kills all its pupils.

Five out of four people have trouble with fractions.

“You, you and you: panic. The rest of you, come with me.”

IRS: We’ve got what it takes to take what you’ve got.

Blessed are those who can laugh at themselves, they will never cease to be amused.

Well, if I called the wrong number, why did you answer the phone?

Fundamentalism: Believe in a kind, loving God or we’ll kill you!

He who trains his tongue to quote the learned sages, will be known far and wide as a smart ass.

If you try and don’t succeed, cheat. Repeat until caught. Then lie.

Youth is a wonderful thing. What a crime to waste it on children.

Democracy is the recurrent suspicion that more than half of the people are right more than half of the time.

Sometimes I think the surest sign that intelligent life exists elsewhere in the universe is that none of it has tried to contact us.

Mind like a steel trap – rusty and illegal in most states.

Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?

Democracy is a process by which people are free to choose the man who will get the blame.

I married Miss Right. I just didn’t know her first name was Always.

Bachelors have consciences, married men have wives.

I thought I wanted a career, turns out I just wanted paychecks.

When I was a boy I was told that anybody could become president; I’m beginning to believe it.

Get even – live long enough to be a problem to your kids.

“Blink your eyelids periodically to lubricate your eyes.” — Page 16 of the HP “Environmental, Health Safety Handbook for Employees”.

What Has Four Legs And An Arm? A Happy Pit Bull.

There are two kinds of people, those who finish what they start, and so on.

If at first you don’t succeed, skydiving is not your sport.

No sense being pessimistic, it probably wouldn’t work anyway.

Life is complex: it has real and imaginary parts.

I’ve been trying for some time to develop a life style that doesn’t require my presence.

I used to find him boring until I stopped listening.

Man shoots neighbour with machete [The Miami Herald, July 3]

Good judgement comes from experience. Experience comes from bad judgement.

Marathon runners with bad footwear suffer the agony of defeat.

Years ago fairy tales began with “Once upon a time...” Now it’s “If I am elected...”

Quantum: Noun, word used to sound like I know what I’m talking about while discussing physics I’ve never actually studied.

“I’d rather have a bottle in front of me, than a frontal lobotomy”. — Tom Waits

Only a fool is astonished by the foolishness of humankind.

Bigamy is having one wife too many. Monogamy is the same. – Oscar Wilde

Everyone hates me because I’m paranoid.

It used to be only death and taxes were inevitable. Now, of course, there’s shipping and handling, too.

I always wanted to be somebody, but I should have been more specific.

All my life, I always wanted to be somebody. Now I see that I should have been more specific.

Honest criticism is hard to take, particularly from a relative, a friend, an acquaintance, or a stranger.

If automobiles had followed the same development cycle as the computer, a Rolls Royce would today cost $100, get a million miles per gallon, and explode once a year, killing everyone inside.

I couldn’t repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.

Moderation in all things, including moderation.

If at first you don’t succeed, try, try again. Then quit. There’s no use being a damned fool about it.

My life has a superb cast but I can’t figure out the plot.

How did Moses make his tea? Hebrews it.

I have a simple philosophy. Fill what’s empty. Empty what’s full. Scratch where it itches.

I used to think I was indecisive, but now I’m not sure.

Mines are equal opportunity weapons.

A cartoonist was found dead in his home. Details are sketchy.

Cole’s Law: Thinly sliced cabbage.

I want to die peacefully in my sleep like my grandfather, not screaming in abject horror like his passengers.

If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?

Some pain is physical, and some is mental, but one that’s both is dental.

If we learn by our mistakes, some of us are getting one hell of an education!

Age is a question of mind over matter. If you don’t mind, it don’t matter.

Why is it called tourist season if we can’t shoot at them?

Eagles may soar, but weasels don’t get sucked into jet engines.

There is nothing so annoying as to have two people go right on talking when you’re interrupting.

If a President doesn’t do it to his wife, he’ll do it to his country.

Legend: a lie that has attained the dignity of age.

In elementary school, in case of fire, you have to line up quietly in a single file line from smallest to tallest. What is the logic? Do tall people burn slower?

The world is full of willing people; some willing to work, the rest willing to let them.

“Always be sincere, even when you don’t mean it”. — Irene Peter

I didn’t like my beard at first. Then it grew on me.

I installed a skylight in my apartment. The people who live above me are furious.

“They say hard work never hurt anybody, but I figure why take the chance.” – Ronald Reagan

The art of flying is to throw yourself at the ground and miss.

Santa’s helpers are subordinate clauses.

If the human brain were so simple that we could understand it, we would be so simple we couldn’t.

I don’t enjoy computer jokes; not one bit.

Killed - Personality Incompatibility

Men don’t care what’s on TV. They only care what else is on TV.

You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They left a little note on the windscreen, it said ‘Parking Fine.’

Brain: an apparatus with which we think we think.

Show me a piano falling down a mineshaft and I’ll show you A-flat minor.

I spent most of my money on booze, drugs and women... The rest I wasted!

Any task worth doing was worth doing yesterday.

If vegetable oil comes from vegetables, where does baby oil come from?

TEAMWORK... means never having to take all the blame yourself.

Eschew obfuscation.

Leftists are among the first to speak of their rights.

Why is it that to stop Windows, you have to click on “Start”?

Well if this is the wrong number, why did you answer it?

Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7th of your life.

The amount of work to be done increases in proportion to the amount of work already completed. — VAIL’S SECOND AXIOM

Everything you like is bad for you in some way.

At the age of six I wanted to be a cook. At seven I wanted to be Napoleon. And my ambition has been growing steadily ever since.

Venison for dinner again? Oh deer!

The most precious thing we have is life. Yet it has absolutely no trade-in value.

We must believe in free will, we have no choice.

Compromise: the art of dividing a cake so that everybody believes he or she got the biggest piece.

If people concentrated on the really important things in life, there’d be a shortage of fishing poles.

If the world should blow itself up, the last audible voice would be that of an expert saying it can’t be done.

If you want your spouse to listen and pay strict attention to every word you say, talk in your sleep.

Just remember... if the world didn’t suck, we’d all fall off.

You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say will be misquoted then used against you.

An army of deer led by a lion is more to be feared than an army of lions led by a deer.

Living is not worth dying for.

The trouble with our times is that the future is not what it used to be.

Why is it that doctors call what they do “practice”?

There’s a fine line between genius and insanity. I have erased this line.

If the French were really intelligent, they’d speak English.

My schoolmates would make love to anything that moved, but I never saw any reason to limit myself.

There’s a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot.

How do you get an Irishman to burn his ear? Ring him up while he is ironing.

The only reason some people get lost in thought is because it’s unfamiliar territory.

System Error - Windows Loaded

What if there were no hypothetical questions?

Eagles may soar, but weasels don’t get sucked into jet engines.

If you can’t dazzle them with brilliance... just baffle them with bullsh*t.

Take my advice, I don’t use it anyway.

A poor excuse is like an old bucket; doesn’t matter what shape it is in, as long as it holds water.

Don’t use a big word where a diminutive one will suffice.

If you do not make dust, you eat dust.

Tip the world over on its side and everything loose will land in Los Angeles.

Marriage is a three-ring circus: engagement ring, wedding ring, and suffering.

A bachelor is a man who comes to work from a different direction each morning.

I don’t want to achieve immortality through my work. I want to achieve immortality through not dying.

Hope sees the invisible, feels the intangible and achieves the impossible.

Ninety-nine per cent of the people in the world are fools and the rest of us are in great danger of contagion.

Errors have been made. Others will be blamed.

There are two kinds of people, those who finish what they start, and so on.

We waste time, so you don’t have to.

Birthdays are good for you. Statistics show that the people who have the most live the longest.

What hair color do they put on the driver’s licenses of bald men?

Early to rise, early to bed, makes a man healthy but socially dead.

I don’t believe in astrology. I am a Sagittarius and we’re very skeptical. ~ Arthur C. Clarke

When you come to a fork in the road, take it.

I used to think I was indecisive, but now I’m not sure.

This comment is printed on 100% recycled electrons.

“I would like to live in Manchester, England. The transition between Manchester and death would be unnoticeable”. — Mark Twain

Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

We’ve made great medical progress in the last generation. What used to be merely an itch is now an allergy.

If life was fair, Elvis would be alive and all the impersonators would be dead.

I started out with nothing, and I still have most of it.

Confidence is the feeling you have before you understand the situation.

Hemp is a herb. Bush is a dope.

Anything that can become tangled around something else, will.

Honesty is the best policy, but insanity is a better defence.

Experience is something you do not get until just after you need it.

Why is the third hand on the watch called a second hand?

The best computer is a man, and it’s the only one that can be mass-produced by unskilled labour.

I don’t have a solution but I admire the problem.

Men are from earth. Women are from earth. Deal with it.

The fellow who thinks he knows it all is especially annoying to those of us who do.

My one regret in life is that I am not someone else.

Anyone can admit they were wrong; the true test is admitting it to someone else.

Genius is 1% inspiration, and 99% perspiration.

If you don’t learn to laugh at troubles, you won’t have anything to laugh at when you grow old.

I used up all my sick days, so I’m calling in dead.

“Managing senior programmers is like herding cats” — Dave Platt.

If it weren’t for electricity we’d all be watching television by candlelight?

A guy got arrested for playing the guitar. He was fingering a minor.

I’m not dumb; I just have a command of thoroughly useless information.

As long as there are tests, there will be prayer in public schools.

“On two occasions I have been asked [by members of Parliament!]: ‘Pray, Mr. Babbage, if you put into the machine wrong figures, will the right answers come out ?’ I am not able rightly to apprehend the kind of confusion of ideas that could provoke such a question.” — Charles Babbage.

Is there life before death?

An egotist has one point in his favour – he doesn’t go round talking about other people.

My parents stayed together for forty years, but that was out of spite.

Perhaps you’re diagonally parked in a parallel universe?

A synonym is a word you use when you can’t spell the word you first thought of.

I’ve always wanted to be normal, but lately I’ve come to suspect that this is it.

There is no such thing as an underestimate of average intelligence

“Are you going to come quietly, or do I have to use earplugs?”—Vale Spike Milligan

Remember, half the people you know are below average.

Cluster bombing from B-52s is very, very accurate – the bombs always hit the ground.

I was at a bar nursing a beer. My nipple was getting quite soggy.

“I’ve been on a calendar but I have never been on time” – Marilyn Monroe

Some people say that I must be a horrible person, but that’s not true. I have the heart of a young boy – in a jar on my desk.

Needing someone is like needing a parachute. If he isn’t there the first time you need him, chances are you won’t be needing him again.

“C++ : Where friends have access to your private members.” — Gavin Russell Baker.

One good thing about repeating your mistakes is that you know when to cringe.

The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.

Macho Law prohibits me from admitting I’m wrong.

How do you sink an Irish Submarine? Knock on the hatch.

“Hey, I’ve got reasons for what I’m doing,” REALLY MEANS, “I sure hope I think of some pretty soon.”

A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat.

How do you spot an Irishman at a carwash? He’s the one on the bike.

I’m an idealist: I don’t know where I’m going, but I’m on my way.

Most vegetarians look so much like the food they eat that they can be classified as cannibals.

If you can’t beat your computer at chess, try kickboxing.

Shin: a device for finding furniture in the dark.

Men have a much better time of it than women; for one thing, they marry later; for another thing they die earlier.

“There is no reason anyone would want a computer in their home.” — Ken Olson, founder of Digital Equipment Corp., 1977.

You’re such an inspiration for the way I’ll never choose to be.

If you’re born again, do you have two bellybuttons?

I’d like to see things your way, but I’m looking in another direction.

Everybody is ignorant, only on different subjects.

An egotist is a person of low taste—more interested in himself than in me.

I get enough exercise just pushing my luck.

Impotence: Nature’s Way Of Saying “No Hard Feelings”.

I’d explain it to you, but your brain would explode.

The number of people watching you is directly proportional to the stupidity of your action.

INDECISION is the key to FLEXIBILITY.

“A girl phoned me the other day and said... Come on over, there’s nobody home. I went over. Nobody was home” — Rodney Dangerfield

I have spent my whole life looking for the perfect woman, and now I’ve found her. Too bad she’s looking for the perfect man.

I’m not into working out. My philosophy: No pain, no pain.

Slow is when someone laps you in the hundred-yard dash

Raising teenagers is like trying to nail Jell-O to a tree.

Technology is a way of organizing the universe so that man doesn’t have to experience it.

Whenever there is any doubt, there is no doubt.

It’s not true that married men live longer than single men. It only seems longer.

The early bird gets the worm, but the early worm gets eaten.

Before marriage, a man yearns for the woman he loves. After marriage, the ‘Y’ becomes silent.

Modesty is a virtue of fools.

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I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol.

Wine divulges truth.

Any ship can be a minesweeper... once.

A baby sitter is a teenager acting like an adult while the adults are out acting like teenagers.

I don’t have an attitude problem. You have a perception problem.

The trouble with jogging is that, by the time you realise you’re not in shape for it, it’s far too far to walk back.

A soldier who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran.

They say if you play a Microsoft CD backwards you hear satanic messages. That’s nothing, if you play it forwards it installs Windows.

Velcro — what a rip off!

If con is the opposite of pro, congress is the opposite of progress.

My reality check just bounced.

Prediction is extremely difficult. Especially about the future.

In the beginning, there was nothing. Then God said, “Let there be light,” and there was still nothing, but you could see it.

The dictionary is the only place where success comes before work.

It is not what a teenager knows that bothers his parents. It is how he found out.

Oh, don’t fuss. I just cut myself. It’s no big deal,” REALLY MEANS, “I have actually severed a limb, but will bleed to death before I admit I’m hurt.”

“As a matter of fact” is an expression that precedes many an expression that isn’t.

“Life is a waste of time, time is a waste of life, so get wasted all of the time and have the time of your life”. — Tom Waits

According to recent study someone is run over by a car every 5 minutes in the city. You’d think the guy would have enough sense to get out of the street.

In a Rome laundry: Ladies, leave your clothes here and spend the afternoon having a good time.

Confidence is the feeling you have before you understand the situation

“Auntie Em: hate you, hate Kansas, taking the dog.” – Dorothy

Allow me to introduce my selves.

The only perfect science is hindsight.

The trouble with the rat race is that even if you win, you’re still a rat.

Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy.

The trouble with life is there’s no background music.

If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?

Authority makes some people grow – and others just swell.

“I have left orders to be awakened at any time in case of national emergency – even if I’m in a Cabinet meeting.” – Ronald Reagan

Women like silent men. They think they’re listening.

I am amazed at radio DJ’s today. I am firmly convinced that AM on my radio stands for Absolute Moron. I will not begin to tell you what FM stands for.

If you can’t convince them, confuse them.

“He has been given a large brain by mistake, since for him the spinal cord would fully suffice.” — Albert Einstein

Under capitalism, man exploits man. Under Communism, it’s just the opposite.

One martini is all right, two is too many, and three is not enough.

I am obviously right, and as you disagree with me, then logically you must be wrong.

Outside of a dog, a book is probably man’s best friend, and inside of a dog, it’s too dark to read.

Red Tape Holds Up New Bridge!

Connection Reset - Insufficient Electrons

Half of the people in the world are below average.

You can’t have everything. Where would you put it?

He’s not dead, he’s electroencephalographically challenged.

I hate women because they always know where things are.

What’s another word for Thesaurus?

I wished the buck stopped here, as I could use a few.

“I wish everyone was peaceful. Then I could take over the planet with a butter knife”—Dogbert

Hypochondria is the only disease I haven’t got.

There are 3 kinds of people: those who can count and those who can’t.

I married my wife for her looks... but not the ones she’s been giving me lately!

I like kids, but I don’t think I could eat a whole one.

If I were someone who knew something, who could I tell that would believe me?

I took a speed reading course and read ‘War and Peace’ in twenty minutes. It involves Russia. Enough women for four.

Some people are alive only because it’s illegal to kill them.

God must love stupid people, he made so many.

Sheep don’t fly so much as plummet.

Does your train of thought have a caboose?

“Your mouse has moved. Windows must be restarted for the change to take effect. Reboot now ? [OK]”

In democracy it’s your vote that counts. In feudalism it’s your count that votes.

It is even harder for the average ape to believe that he has descended from man.

I majored in liberal arts. Will that be for here or to go?

I have kleptomania, but when it gets bad, I take something for it. ~ Robert Benchle

“#define QUESTION ((bb) || !(bb))” — Shakespeare

Don’t stop to stomp on ants when the elephants are stampeding.

I got a job at a bakery because I kneaded dough.

Progress was all right. Only it went on too long.

Gossip: The art of saying nothing while leaving nothing unsaid.

I have noticed that the people who are late are often so much jollier that the people who have to wait for them.

Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don’t.

Anything’s possible... apart from skiing through a revolving door.

I have had more trouble with myself than with any other man I’ve met.

When angry count four, when very angry, swear.

As a final incentive before giving up a difficult task, try to imagine it successfully accomplished by someone you violently dislike.

Time flies like an arrow – fruit flies like a banana.

Abel Tasman on discovering Tasmania, “Too far south for spices and too close to the rim of the earth to be inhabited by anything but freaks and monsters”

Applying computer technology is simply finding the right wrench to pound in the correct screw.

Booze is the answer. I don’t remember the question.

If someone with multiple personalities threatens suicide... is it considered a hostage situation?

What do you call a dinosaur with an extensive vocabulary? A thesaurus.

Half our life is spent trying to find something to do with the time we have rushed through life trying to save.

Support bacteria – they’re the only culture some people have.

It’s important to be open-minded, but not SO open-minded that your brains fall out.

My mind works like lightning. One brilliant flash and it is gone.

I intend to live forever – so far, so good.

Everybody has a photographic memory. Some don’t have film.

Energizer Bunny arrested: Charged with battery.

Life... I don’t get it...

I like children. Properly cooked.

Never put off until tomorrow what you can avoid altogether.

Get a new car for your spouse – it’ll be a great trade!

I have the body of a GOD – Buddha.

Of course, we are all worms—but I like to think, at least, that I am a glow-worm. – Winston Churchill

You look like a million dollars. All green and wrinkled.

It is hard to understand how a cemetery raised its burial charges and blamed it on the cost of living.

Blessed are the young, for they shall inherit the national debt.

Military intelligence is a contradiction in terms.

He does the work of three men: Larry, Moe and Curly.

I Haven’t Lost My Mind, It’s Backed Up On Disk Somewhere.

“If builders built buildings the way programmers write programs, then the first woodpecker that came along would destroy civilization” — Weinberg’s Second Law.

I know a guy who is addicted to brake fluid. He says he can stop anytime.

Where there’s a will, I want to be in it.

I spilled spot remover on my dog. Now he’s gone.

He often broke into song because he couldn’t find the key.

It doesn’t matter what temperature the room is; it’s always room temperature.

“My computer NEVER loc

Last night I lay in bed looking up at the stars in the sky and I thought to myself, “Where the heck is the ceiling?”

Nick Overruled - Democratic Majority Decision

Every morning is the dawn of a new error.

Man who run behind car get exhausted.

Having more money doesn’t make you happier. I have 50 million dollars but I’m just as happy as when I had 48 million. ~ Arnold Schwarzenegger.

You’ll never get to heaven if you’re scared of getting high.

Never put both feet in your mouth at the same time, because then you don’t have a leg to stand on.

Jokes about German sausage are the wurst.

I always wanted to be a procrastinator, never got around to it though.

On a tombstone: I TOLD YOU I WAS SICK

A hangover is the wrath of grapes.

I generally avoid temptation unless I can’t resist it.

When you are arguing with an idiot, make sure the other person isn’t doing the same thing.

If quizzes are quizzical, what are tests?

Solitude is fine, but you need someone to tell you that solitude is fine.

Men’s faults are many, women have only two. Everything they say, and everything they do.

I arise in the morning torn between a desire to improve the world and a desire to enjoy the world. This makes it hard to plan the day.

Lots of people know a good thing the minute the other fellow sees it first.

People can be divided into three groups: Those who make things happen, those who watch things happen, and those who wonder what happened.

I can please only one person per day. Today is not your day. Tomorrow isn’t looking good either.

Time sneaks up on you like a windshield on a bug.

People with narrow minds usually have broad tongues.

“The object of war is not to die for your country but to make the other bastard die for his.” – General George Patton

Go the extra mile. It makes your boss look like an incompetent slacker.

Stupidity is not a handicap! Park somewhere else!

This mind intentionally left blank

We spend the first twelve months of our children’s lives teaching them to walk and talk and the next twelve telling them to sit down and shut up.

A bird does not sing because it has an answer—it sings because it has a song.

All the toilets in New York’s police stations have been stolen. The police have nothing to go on.

People who think they know everything are annoying to those of us who do.

The doctor can bury his mistakes but an architect can only advise his client to plant vines.

Pick your friends but not to pieces.

An Irish man was driving to the airport when he saw a sign saying ‘Airport – Left’... So he went home.

I like to start my periods with sentences.

I’m reading a book about anti-gravity. I can’t put it down.

If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?

If it’s true that we are here to help others, then what exactly are the others here for?

Nothing means nothing, but it isn’t really nothing because nothing is something that isn’t.

I was the next door kid’s imaginary friend.

The beatings will continue until morale improves.

Everyone needs belief in something. I believe I’ll have another beer.

Ever stop to think and forget to start again?

Some people are alive only because it’s illegal to kill them.

Well, this day was a total waste of makeup.

Despite the cost of living it’s still very popular.

I am free of all prejudices. I hate everyone equally.

Anyone who told you to be yourself couldn’t have given you worse advice.

Where you stand depends on where you sit.

The man who fell into an upholstery machine is fully recovered.

Connection Reset By Aboriginal With Wire Cutters

Someday we’ll look back on all this and plow into the back of a parked car.

To err is human – and to blame it on a computer is even more so.

If puns were outlawed, only outlaws would have puns.

When you do not know what you are doing, do it neatly.

“How can a president not be an actor?” – when asked “How could an actor become president?” – Ronald Reagan

I tried sniffing Coke once, but the ice cubes got stuck in my nose.

If you choke a smurf, what colour does it turn?

The most powerful force in the universe is gossip.

Eat a live toad first thing in the morning, and nothing worse can happen to you the rest of the day.

Always do sober what you said you’d do drunk. That will teach you to keep your mouth shut.

If it weren’t for the last minute, nothing would ever get done.

All those who believe in psycho kinesis raise my hand.

“There are two major products that come out of Berkeley: LSD and UNIX. We don’t believe this to be a coincidence.” — Jeremy S. Anderson

If you can’t convince them, confuse them.

Man who drive like hell bound to get there.

Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.

Lead us not into temptation. Just tell us where it is; we’ll find it.

England has no kidney bank, but it does have a Liverpool.

Bacteria: the only culture some people have.

Optimists believe we live on the greatest world. Pessimists believe this is true.

Man who run in front of car get tired.

I take everything I can for my kleptomania.

Anger is only one letter away from danger.

Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?

Computers make it easy to do a lot of things, but most of the things that make it easier to do don’t need to be done.

I dropped out of communism class because of lousy Marx.

Men occasionally stumble over the truth, but most of them pick themselves up and hurry off as if nothing had happened. – Winston Churchill

“Heavier-than-air flying machines are impossible.” — Lord Kelvin, president, Royal Society, 1895.

I love work; it fascinates me; I can sit and watch it for hours.

A dyslexic man walks into a bra.

I had some words with my wife, and she had some paragraphs with me.

Vote for the man who promises least; he’ll be the least disappointing.

Everybody lies, but it doesn’t matter since nobody listens.

A day without sun shine is like, you know, night.

Cheer up, the worst is yet to come.

If at first you don’t succeed, try management.

Sex on television can’t hurt you unless you fall off.

Always try to be modest and be proud of it!

If you’re not confused, you’re not paying attention.

You can say any foolish thing to a dog, and the dog will give you a look that says, “My God, you’re right! I never would’ve thought of that!”

If I have to work for an idiot, I might as well work for myself.

Hang in there; retirement is only thirty years away.

Don’t take life too seriously—you’ll never get out of it alive.

The second day of a diet is alway easier than the first. By the second day, you’re off it.

My husband says I never listen to him (at least I think that’s what he said)

It’s easy to quit smoking... I’ve done it over 10,000 times.

Once, during prohibition, I was forced to live for days on nothing but food and water.

Whenever I feel like exercise, I lie down until the feeling passes.

I don’t approve of political jokes... I’ve seen too many of them get elected.

“I worked in a pet shop and people kept asking how big I’d get” — Rodney Dangerfield

Programmer – A red-eyed, mumbling mammal capable of conversing with inanimate objects.

One of the greatest labour-saving inventions today is tomorrow.

The day I can’t do my job drunk is the day I turn in my badge and gun.

“My wife made me join a bridge club. I jump off next Tuesday” — Rodney Dangerfield

Originality is the fine art of remembering what you hear, but forgetting where you heard it.

I’m desperately trying to figure out why kamikaze pilots wore helmets.

For Sale: Parachute. Only used once, never opened, small stain.

I had amnesia once or twice.

If At First You Don’t Succeed... Blame Someone Else And Seek Counseling.

Even crime wouldn’t pay if the government ran it.

They say you only use ten percent of your brain. What about the other ten?

The light at the end of the tunnel has been turned off due to budget cuts.

Never underestimate the power of very stupid people in large groups.

Proofread carefully to see if you any words out.

Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying of nothing.

The secret of success is sincerity. Once you can fake that you’ve got it made.

It’s strange, isn’t it. You stand in the middle of a library and go aaaaagghhhh’ and everyone just stares at you. But you do the same thing on an aeroplane, and everyone joins in.

On the plus side, death is one of the few things that can be done just as easily as lying down.

All men are equal. Some are just more equal than others.

Lord, if you won’t make me skinny, please make all my friends fat.

Age is an issue of mind over matter. If you don’t mind, it doesn’t matter.

A committee is a body that keeps minutes and wastes hours.

He who laughs last thinks slowest.

Who is General Failure and why is he reading my hard disk?

Illiterate? Write For Help.

My girlfriend told me I should be more affectionate. So I got two more girlfriends.

I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.

“Oh dear,” said God, “I hadn’t thought of that,” and promptly vanished in a puff of logic.

Doctor, Doctor I keep getting pains in the eye when I drink coffee. Have you tried taking the spoon out?

For people who like peace and quiet – a phoneless cord.

Procrastinate Now!

Half of being smart is knowing what you are dumb at.

Everybody is ignorant, only on different subjects.

This guy walks into a bar and the barman says “Ouch, that must have hurt”

Even paranoids have real enemies.

Succeed in spite of management. Aim Low; Reach Your Goals, Avoid Disappointment.

Cheerfulness is contagious, but don’t wait to catch it from others. Be a carrier.

I don’t meet competition. I crush it

“How come we choose from just two people to run for president and 50 for Miss America?”

I think that’s how Chicago got started. A bunch of people in New York said, “Gee, I’m enjoying the crime and the poverty, but it just isn’t cold enough. Let’s go west.”—Richard Jeni

If a job is worth doing well get someone else to do it.

What does a clock do when it’s hungry? It goes back four seconds.

Youth would be an ideal state if it came a little later in life.

Ours is a world where people don’t know what they want and are willing to go through hell to get it.

Caution – Driver Legally Blonde!

No problem is so big and complicated that it can’t be ran away from.

I plead contemporary insanity.

Money is better than poverty, if only for financial reasons.

“The web is a dominatrix. Every where I turn, I see little buttons ordering me to Submit.” — Nytwind.

“Things are more like they are now than they ever were before.” – Former U.S. President Dwight D. Eisenhower

“War does not determine who is right - only who is left.” – Bertrand Russell

What sane person could live in this world and not be crazy?

Age is a very high price to pay for maturity.

In a Norwegian cocktail lounge: Ladies are requested not to have children in the bar.

It is wiser to find out than to suppose.—Mark Twain

If you don’t pay your exorcist you get repossessed.

Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way when you criticize them, you are a mile away from them and you have their shoes.

Being a philosopher, I have a problem for every solution.

On the keyboard of life, always keep one finger on the escape key.

Best way to get a man to do something, is to suggest they are too old for it.

Laughing stock: cattle with a sense of humour.

Consciousness: that annoying time between naps.

Haunted French pancakes give me the crêpes.

Time is God’s way of keeping everything from happening at once.

Advertisement for donkey rides in Thailand: Would you like to ride on your own ass?

If ever I get married again it would have to be under an anaesthetic.

“This report, by its very length, defends itself against the risk of being read”. — Winston Churchill

I’d give my right arm to be ambidextrous.

The earthquake in Washington obviously was the government’s fault.

If it’s 0 degrees today and it’s going to be twice as cold tomorrow... how cold will it be?

A backwards poet writes inverse.

Don’t marry for money. You can borrow it cheaper.

Smoking cures weight problems...eventually...

Stupidity is not a handicap. Park elsewhere!

I think animal testing is a terrible idea; they get all nervous and give the wrong answers.

In this world, nothing is certain but death and taxes. – Benjamin Franklin

Outside a Hong Kong tailor shop: Ladies may have a fit upstairs.

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