Ned Martin’s Amused
A collection of things that amused me: I believe you can tell a lot about a person from what amuses them, or sometimes, what doesn’t amuse them. So, when I come across something that amuses me, this is where it goes.
Find things which have amused me recently, or browse around the categories below.
Printed on 100% recycled electrons.
Ned Martin’s Amused Categories
aboriginal accidents advertising aeroplanes africa agony aunt alcohol alligators alphabet america animals animated apple apples april fools art asian audio australia babies balloons bananas banks batman beaches bears beds beer bikes billboards bill gates birds blonde board games boats bones boobs books bras bread brisbane britain browsers bsod bugs bunnies buses business cards calendars camping canada cars cartoons carving cats chairs charts cheating chickens children chocolate chrome clippit cocaine coffee comics communist computer games computers condoms cooking cows crocodiles crocs daleks darth vader dating dear abby democracy dinosaurs disaster doctors dogs dolphins donkeys driving drugs drunk dr who ducks earth earthquake easter education eggs einstein elderly elephants emus english evolution exams explosions facebook families famous people fashion feminine hygiene feminists fire firefox fish fishing flash flies flowcharts fonts food football france frogs fruit funerals games gay geeky george bush germany giraffes girls grammar guns halloween hands harry potter hats heaven history horror movies horses ikea illusion imagery internet internet explorer ios ipad iphone iphone 6 ireland irish it jail jewish jobs joke jokes kangaroos kevin rudd kitchens kittens koalas kookaburras kristen stewart languages laptops libraries lightbulbs linux lions logan lord of the rings love mac magpies marijuana mario marriage math mayans medical memory men messages meth mexico microsoft milk mobiles money monopoly moose mothers motorbikes movies movie stars music musicians muslim newspapers new zealand ninjas nokia north korea notices nsw obama ocd opera otters paper parenting parking parrots penguins petrol phones photography pie charts pigs pirates pizza police political posters predictions pregnancy protests puns quotations r2-d2 rabbits racing racist racoons rallies redheads redneck reincarnation relationships religious rice risqué roads robots rocks romance safari samsung school science seagulls seals sex sexist sharks ships shirts shoes shopping shops signs sms snakes snow spelling spiders sport spying sql star wars steve jobs stickers superman tattoos teachers technology telstra terrorism the rock toilets tongues tools toys trees trucks tshirts turtles tv underwear university usb vegetables vintage war warnings whales wifi wikileaks windows wine witches women woolworths words work zebras zombies
I wonder what I would look like with a six pack? Ahh, much better!
Ginny: When Harry broke up with me for my safety…
So the harder a wife works, the cuter she looks!
What would robots from 1960’s and 1970’s TV say today with current software installed?
Would you like a little piece of paper that says yes to hang onto during the tough times ahead? (Maybe it will help)
People from around the world opening beer in their own unique ways.
Black Jack Black eating Cracker Jack playing a black jack while playing BlackJack with Jack Black who is threatening Black Jack Black with a Black Jack.
If she doesn’t put me down in about two seconds, I will be forced to use my fist!
The 2011 Adelaide Earthquake: We will rebuild.
Draw fake eyebrows on your baby. Then sit back and enjoy the humour.
…to get to the point; why does your calendar end in 2012? Oh, that’s just a temporary problem in the beta version!
How people in the colonies are still alive is beyond me…
Success is not always what you see…
I laugh at your claims to bravely take on a zombie apocalypse, when most of you can’t stand up to a spider.
The day that Einstein feared may have finally arrived.
A quick and easy test to determine if you are a normal person…
The real reason that we can’t have the Ten Commandments posted in a courthouse or parliament…
A business card styled to look like Windows Notepad.
But God, She Won’t Even Make Me a Sandwich…
All this technology is making us antisocial: A tram full of people ignoring each other and reading the newspaper.
The most effective birth control method known to man.
Spring is here. I’m so excited I wet my plants!
A man walking two long dogs meets a man walking two normal dogs…
Xbox One vs. An Ordinary Brick: Price, DRM Free, Requires Internet, Region Locked…
How the Internet Started: A History Lesson.
Everytime I hear people complain about online gaming, I wish they could experience my pain of online gaming in the 90’s…
Clippit: It looks like you are wasting office supplies. Would you like some help?
The many hand gestures of Kevin Rudd.
Canadian Archaeology: Digging a car out from under the snow
iPhone 6 Plus versus Nokia 3310: Does it bend?
There are two rules for success: Never reveal everything you know…
This is how workplace violence starts…
How many mice does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
Do you ever get so angry… you throw a VCR at a burning bus?
Clint Felmingham: Did you know? Keith Urban is accepted by many Americans as a genuine humanoid/musician. Urban, a polymer composite (90% polyethene, 8% alcohol, 2% minor celebrity), was manufactured in Caboolture, Australia in 1987..
Always wear underwear in public, especially when working under your vehicle…
Her: Is it the ball-type deodorant you want sir? Him: Oh no miss – it’s for under my arms!
Dispatcher: Emergency Services, how may I help you?
Proposing with an onion: Guaranteed to cry.
See if you can outsmart your foot…
Three birds sitting on a wire, a fourth sitting in mid air. He's got wifi.
Have you seen Pulp Fiction? Yeah, but I didn’t like it.
Zombies! Oh, wait… false alarm, it’s just the Rolling Stones… carry on!
Titanic ALS Ice Bucket Challenge: “I accept your ice water challenge”.
Do not attempt capture because you’ll totally screw with the space/time continuum bro.
Blatz Beer: How Mother and Baby “Picked Up”.
If someone from the 1950s suddenly appeared today, what would be the most difficult thing to explain to them about life today?
Well, tell me, Randy. Has someone eaten all the refrigerator magnets again?
Let’s all take a moment and be thankful that spiders don’t fly!
Replace the word “wand” with “dick” in any sentence in Harry Potter…
A game of skill, requiring a steady hand and keen eye – make sure you play at least the first two levels…
Bicycles chained to these railings will be removed without notice. This is a notice, you idiot!
The **** do you mean eucalyptus leaves cause hallucinations? I gotta tell my unicorn about this.
Stop says the red light, go says the green. Wait says the yellow light, twinkling in between. Kneel, says the demon light, with its eye of coal. Sauron knows your licence plate, and stares into your soul.
I'd rather break my arms than take two trips.
A cop just pulled me over and said “Papers”… so I said “Scissors, I win” and drove off…
American Horror Story versus Australian Horror Story
I know what you’re thinking… she might scratch the paint.
The World’s Shortest Books
You’ll never be as happy as this turtle.
Dear Abby, I’ve never written to you before, but I really need your advice on what could be a crucial decision…
I think it’s only fair to throw monopoly money at strippers with fake boobs.
Comments, Facebook Open Graph, & Other Similar Social Data.
Now you’re just some bunny that I used to know.
For the benefit of passengers using Apple iOS6, local area maps are available from the booking office.
At the end of a tiny, deserted bar is a huge Aboriginal bloke…
This guy’s an idiot! Quick, take a picture!
Jason Voorhees (Friday the 13th) gets Crocs.
Always leave your hotel room like this
These are the Good Guys of the World.
How Could You Be So Insensitive? This is what it looks like from the other person’s perspective.
A college class was told they had to write a short story in as few words as possible.…
A man had two of the best tickets for the opening State of Origin match. As he sits down, another man comes along and asks if anyone is sitting in the seat next to him…
No pony for Christmas? No window for driving!
Ancient Egyptians: Posting cats to their walls since 3150 BC
Feel free to send me anything you think might amuse me.
A woman wearing a shirt: Slide to Unlock.
Angela Merkel arrives at Passport Control at Paris airport. “Nationality?” asks the immigration officer. “German,” she replies. “Occupation?” “No, just here for a few days.”
It’s sickeningly cute. Perhaps literally if its expression is anything to go by…
Chocolate Easter Bunnies: My butt hurts! What?
I’m returning these glasses I bought for my husband. He’s still not seeing things my way.
Sorry for Party Rocking: Driver jumps from burning bus, party bus explodes in Inala.
But these are for girls… Holy Crap! I look fabulous!
Food only. Absolutely no science in this microwave.
My wife believes she is a better driver. I let our dog decide.
If I gave you 2 cats and another 2 cats and another 2, how many would you have?
And then… after they had ripped out half of her pages… they turned her… into a movie!
101 Things You Do Not Want Your System Administrator to say.
In your mind’s browser, clear your cache… now delete your history… now navigate to a blank web page…
A Case in Communism: The Super Mario Story.
Building the NBN from Telstra Copper
Like if you can raed tihs whit no porlqebm baecuas yuor jsut taht sarmt.
I hate when you’re reading something and you come across the phrase “one thing led to another”
A road crew foreman calls into the shop. Foreman: “We have a problem.”
English: Do Not Enter Here; Spanish: Entero Somewhere Elso.
I can’t believe the “WMD” trick is working again with Iran. Suckers…
How People in Science See Each Other.
A middle-aged woman decides to have a facelift…
Browser Wars: Chrome versus Firefox… and Internet Explorer…
Something’s just not right—our air is clean, our water is pure, we all get plenty of exercise, everything we eat is organit and free-range, and yet nobody lives past thirty.
If you stare at this picture long enough you should be able to see a giraffe…
Research shows that if you’re afraid of spiders, you’re more likely to find one in your bedroom. I’m really afraid of Johnny Depp.
[To an assorted group of animals] Our Education System: For a fair selection everybody has to take the same exam: Please climb that tree.
Sabrina demonstrates the world’s finest projection equipment…
Keep calm. The Mayans were simply counting down to The Hobbit movie.
You can make jokes about anything, just not Mexicans…
I was watching TV when I head my Dad in the kitchen laughing to himself. When I got up to see what he was doing, I walked in on this…
World domination is everyone’s dream. It’s not a bad job really…
A squirrel got its head stuck in a Halloween decoration and terrified a neighbourhood…
I think you’re spending too much time on the computer. Your fingers move when you talk…
Perhaps the only blue screen of death geeks would be happy to see.
Canadian Security: It may seem rude but for security reasons please do not open the door to strangers.
I met this bird by the tree near the library. We chilled for like, 5 minutes, & then without any warning he just flew away. We really hit it off. So if you see him, please let him know I miss him.
Monster energy drinks & Rubiks Cubes: Dude. You have a problem. Problem solved!
Goodnight my beautiful girl I’m so lucky to have you in my life. I love you so much <3
I stay up late every night, and realise it’s a bad idea every morning.
3 out of 4 voices in my head want to sleep (the other wants to know if penguins have knees!)
There are three kinds of people: Impatient, patient, and rich.
Help the needy?
When you live on a barely hospitable desert island that was once a continent-sized penal colony, your life tends to be a little more badass than the average person’s.
A woman was helping her husband set up his computer, and at the appropriate point in the process, the computer advised him that he would now need to enter a password…
A post with a poster on it, “Be the first of your friends to like this post”.
And Then I Said… The Differences Between Boys & Girls.
World’s largest golf ball. Gigantic turtle for scale.
The breakdown of modern web design.
I have an interesting case here. An old lady shot her husband for stepping on the floor she just mopped…
What’s green, fuzzy, and if it fell out of a tree it would kill you?
The depressing ratio between your bank account, and your gas tank.
At last, the mystery of the Mayan calendar revealed.
An old woman was sipping on a glass of wine…
This story happened a short while ago near Brisbane, and even though it sounds a little Alfred Hitchcock… it’s (supposedly) true.
Logan My Family Stickers.
Notice is hereby given…
What are we? Browsers! What do we want? More speed! And when do we want it? Right now!
Amusing news headlines
The left wing said they’d abolish poverty; right wing said they’d abolish bureaucracy. Odin said he’d abolish ice giants. Where are the ice giants? Vote Odin!
The Original Story of the Ant and the Grasshopper.
Having more money doesn’t make you happier. I have 50 million dollars but I’m just as happy as when I had 48 million.
Sharks are a lot friendlier without pointy teeth.
Long story short, we’re in love. I know it seems sudden but life is sudden like that, you know? Anyways, best of luck finding your fish.
Your computer is broadcasting your IP over the Internet…
…an unexpected problem with Windows.
Good things are twice as good in Cellophane!
A man came home from work, sat down in his favourite chair, turned on the TV, and said to his wife, “Quick, bring me a beer before it starts”…
Can your Mac do this? I don’t think so…
Make your own Apple laptop the cheap—and healthy—way!
I’m not absolutely certain yet, but I’m starting to think my husband masturbates
If a girl ever pulls out a knife on you during an argument, pull out some bread and mayo. Her feminine instincts will kick in and she’ll make you a sandwich.
I. Like. It. How. When. You. Read. This. The. Little. Voice. In. Your. Head. Takes. Pauses.
It’s four o’clock in the morning. Why on earth are you making chocolate pudding?
If I make you breakfast in bed, a simple “Thank you” is all I need. Not all this “How did you get in my house?” business.
The American Government funded a study to see why the head of a man’s penis was larger than the shaft…
Heh… I’ve just thought of a joke with the longest set-up ever! Cool! I’ll fetch a scribe…
[2 Mayan Guys] Wanna beer? I’m working on this calendar, but I guess if I don’t finish it won’t be the end of the world.
Breakdown of a man’s tape measure usage
A list of all the pages, sorted by their last updated or creation dates.
Introducing the New Zealand All Blacks Bra. All the support, but no cup.
The correct way to spell potato is “GHOUGHPHTHEIGHTTEEAU”.
How to Play Chess: Whites go first. The Queen must protect the King.
The Branch Manager and the Assistant Branch Manager.
An elderly couple had dinner at another couple’s house, and after eating, the wives left the table and went into the kitchen…
Obi-Wan Kenobi in front of burning World Trade Centre towers: “These blast points… too accurate for sand people”.
Give a man a fish and he has food for a day. Teach a man to fish and he has to buy bamboo rods, graphite reels, monofilament lines, neoprene waders, creels, tackleboxes, lures, flies, spinners, worm rigs, slip sinkers, offset hooks, gore-tex hats, 20 pocket vests, fish finders, depth sounders, radar, boats, trailers, global positioning systems, coolers and six-packs.
Next time someone tells you to re-think vaccines, show them this.
You must stare very closely at the door in this image for around 30 seconds…
I don’t know who this dog is or why he is banned from this park, but he certainly seems like a lot of fun.
A re-enactment of Michelangelo’s famous “The Creation of Adam”.
Paraprosdokians are figures of speech in which the latter part of a sentence or phrase is surprising or unexpected; frequently humorous.
A man and his wife were having an argument about who should brew the coffee each morning…
Why was Five afraid of Seven? Because Six Seven Eight.
The 2012 Melbourne Earthquake: We will rebuild.
A funeral procession pulled into a cemetery. Several carloads of family members followed a black truck towing a boat with a coffin in it…
Steve Jobs & Bill Gates Discuss Heaven: It doesn’t have any wall or fence…
Please, Dave… please don’t let me be locked out from you! For complete feminine hygiene rely on Lysol – a concentrated germ-killer!
Queen Street Mall, Brisbane, GTA Style.
A major research institution recently announced the discovery of the heaviest element yet known to science. The new element has been named Governmentium.
[Twitter] Taylor Swift: @KimKardashian @kanyewest Yo I’m happy for you and imma let you finish but Beyonce had one of the best labours of all time.
Isn’t it time you gave yourself a Christmas Gift?
The differences between the major web browsers.
Laurel and Hardy were repairing their roof. All of a sudden, Hardy lost his balance and went tumbling on the ground…
You may have heard on the news about a Southern California man who was put under 72-hour psychiatric observation when it was found he owned 100 guns and allegedly had 100,000 rounds of ammunition stored in his home…
English (Traditional) and English (Simplified).
You don’t want to be stuck out here.
Did you know that women use about 30,000 words a day while men use only 15,000?
Windows. Still the most used operating system, and undoubtedly the most abused.
I’m sorry dear. I can’t hear you. I’m in the kitchen, making you a sandwich.
Shuffle your feet for Stingrays: One of the many dangers in Australian waters.
Two cars were waiting at a stoplight. The light turned green, but the man didn’t notice it…
I am trying to make friends outside of Facebook while applying the same principles…
A baby sees fireworks for the first time.
How television benefits your children.
A lemur who has discovered the wondrousness of cupcakes for the fist time.
What if the Beatles had been computer freaks?
A man was telling his neighbour, “I just bought a new hearing aid. It cost me four thousand dollars, but it’s state of the art. It’s perfect.”
Penrose Triangle Animation.
Still more expressions than Kristen Stewart.
In Wine there is Truth. In Beer there is Strength. In Water there is Bacteria.
Did you try jumping off the refrigerator too?
Two Google searches: One for “how can u” and one for “how can an individual”
They keep talking about drafting a Constitution for Iraq…
One is dark, one is light. One is gray, one is white. These are obviously two different blocks with two different colors right? Wrong. The two blocks are the same color.
The owner of the company where I work pulled up in his brand new BMW this morning…
But Mr. Berlusconi, you said, “Send a 25 years old escort to my villa!”
An Aussie Taxidermist in New Zealand…
How did the hipster burn his tongue? He sipped on his coffee before it was cool.
Hey, bug on my back, are you a mite? I mite be. Stupidest pun I ever heard…
Everything you wanted to know about Phobias (but were afraid to ask)
5 very good reasons to punch a dolphin in the mouth.
Hillary Clinton goes to her doctor for a physical…
This revolutionary test will expose the secret desires from your subconscious…
Jam and butter the muddy plasters, the dirty bucket of pitch!
Cocaine Toothache Drops: Instantaneous Cure! 15¢.
We buy things we don’t need with money we don’t have to impress people we don’t like…
Tomorrow (noun): a mystical land where 99% of all human productivity, motivation and achievement is stored.
Heh I was almost forced to face the fact that my argument was bad but I see here that you made a typo hahaha tough luck pal.
Calm down… If the Mayans were good at predicting the future, there would still be Mayans.
It is such a drag when someone in the group can’t fly… forcing everybody else to have to ride up the elevator too…
One evening an old farmer decided to go down to the pond, as he hadn’t been there for a while, and look it over. He grabbed a five gallon bucket to bring back some fruit. As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee. As he came closer he saw it was a bunch of young women skinny dipping in his pond…
The location of our Bat Cave is meant to be secret, so stop checking in!
I just burned 1500 calories in about five minutes. I forgot the pizza was in the oven.
Walked into a public bathroom. Saw this and heard “hello?”
Kim Jong-un: I’m going to nuke everyone. Kim, eat a Snickers. Kim: Why? Because you turn into a war mongler when you’re hungry. Better? Kim: Better.
I was visiting my daughter last night when I asked if I could borrow a newspaper…
This is a strawberry. This is ginger…
Gee you’re right, humans don’t land on their feet.
A woman asks her partner at breakfast time, “Would you like some bacon and eggs a slice of toast and, maybe, some grapefruit juice and coffee?”
If your phone gets wet, try placing it in a bag of rice. At night, the rice will attract Asians who will fix your electronics for you.
Dear Santa, if you leave a new bike under the tree, I will give you the antidote to the poison I put in the milk.
How to make money from facebook: 1) just go to “Account Settings”; 2) Press “Deactivate your account”; 3) Go to work.
The swordfish has few predators to worry about in the wild, except for the seldom seen penfish which is said to be even mightier.
Dropbears are a very real danger to all Australians. Almost one in ten Australians has been attacked by a Dropbear, and the rate is even higher for foreign visitors. Don’t become another statistic. Always beware low branches and doorframes. Look up. Stay Alive.
An Irish daughter had not been to her parent’s house for over five years…
Logan police in conjunction with the A.F.P. hauled in the largest goon bust in Logan’s history. With an estimated street value of $39.
I have CDO. It’s like OCD but all the letters are in alphabetical order. As they should be.
What smoke detectors warn you about.
A ship shipping ship shipping shipping ships.
CIA: we put the coke in America.
Million dollar idea… alarm clock that releases spiders! Now you’re up!
Major Tom’s Ground Control Lawn and Garden Management.
Why, that’s my Talking Clock…
Just been watching Ladies Beach Volleyball, and there’s already been a wrist injury… but I should be OK by Friday.
Christmas morning she’ll be happier with a Hoover.
A young woman was pulled over for speeding. A NSW Police Officer walked to her car window flipping open his ticket book. She said “I bet you are going to try and sell me a ticket to the Policeman’s Ball.” He said, “NSW Police don’t have balls.” There was a moment of silence. Then he closed his book, tipped his hat, and got back in his patrol car and left!
I remember one time while hiking with my girlfriend in northern Alberta and out of nowhere came this huge brown bear charging us, and was she mad!
Your child is being eaten by a camel. Do you… a) Save your child, or b) Take a photo?
An Australian chilli tester in Texas…
Ancient Japanese Proverb. If you cannot understand Japanese, tilt your head to the right…
My greatest social fear: The Accidental Conversation Loop.
In Asia culture, it’s important for wife to trust husband and let him be the leader in the house. That’s why after I am married, I will always leave big decision to him – for example, choosing between buy me a Chanel for birthday or go sleep on sofa for a whole month instead.
The following short quiz consists of four questions and will tell you whether you are qualified to be a “professional”…
Well, I guess we’ll beheading home now…
Just to make you feel really old…
Canadian News: Quebec snowmobiler dies after driving under a moose.
You know, Bob, one of these days, they’re going to scream too late, and we’re all gonna die…
Dunno mate, maybe she’s flooded?
Doctor Bob had sex with one of his patients and felt guilty all day long…
If Chinese people tattooed lame English words on themselves…
Of course I’ll be your valentine. Let’s stay home and watch some porn.
Australian Kiss: same as a French Kiss… but down under.
When you’re upset just imagine a T-Rex making a bed.
Her: Do you want to her a joke about my vagina? Nevermind… you’ll never get it! Her: Do you want to her a joke about my vagina? Nevermind… you’ll never get it!
In Catholic schools students are taught that lying is a sin. Instructors are also advised that using a bit of imagination is OK…
You know you are having a bad day when…
A simple, and humorous, flowchart that successfully troubleshoots almost any problem you can think of.
How to offend four groups of geeks with one picture.
NSW playing economically. 2 punches per Gallen.
I don’t always smile, but when I do, I don’t.
A hippopotamus has swallowed a dwarf in a circus accident…
Pasquale died. His will provided ,000 for an elaborate funeral…
If you cannot find the book that you are looking for, then you’re obviously in the… Wong Fook Hing Book Store!
I wish they would invent something to keep the sun out of my eyes…
Just in case you have trouble knowing when you’ve met a Democrat…
She made that clown extremely happy.
I don’t believe in astrology; I’m a Sagittarius and we’re sceptical.
The Blonde: It’s invisible sanitary protection, thank heavens…
If you don’t have GIO Third Party Property Insurance, we suggest you don’t hit this bus.
What disease is your medical marijuana relieving?
A dog dies and finds out chocolate killed him.
I want you to know that someone out there cares. Not me, but someone does.
Dad: Sometimes I sit on the floor and put my arms around my knees and lean forward. Daughter: Huh? Dad: Cuz that’s how I roll!
Big shark behind you: A signal they forgot to teach you in your open water class.
A message to the citizens of the United States of America from Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II.
I’m awkward when people compliment me… “Nice hair” Me: “Thanks, I grew it myself”
I’ve never seen a Flow Chart described so clearly.
When English teachers snap: Sorry Ma’am, but bad grammar is no excuse for vandalism.
A mock-up of the iPhone 20 and Samsung Galaxy S23, after the launch of the “taller” iPhone5 & the larger Galaxy S3.
A sweet grandmother telephoned St. Joseph’s Hospital…
When Jane initially met Tarzan of the Jungle, she was attracted to him, and during her questions about his life, she asked him how he had sex…
I used to smile… until I worked retail.
Who ever invented the “knock-knock jokes” should get a no-bell prize!
You never listen to me! You only hear what you want to hear!
>A man, and his wife are awakened at 3 o’clock in the morning by a loud pounding on the door…
Ask me about my attention deficit disorder or pie or my cat. A dog. I have a bike. Do you like TV? I saw a rock. Hi.
While at university at Oxford in 1963, Bob Hawke, former Prime Minister of Australia, entered the Guinness Book of Records here at the Turf Tavern after downing a yard of ale (that’s just over 2½ pints!) in just 11 seconds.
You wouldn't think anyone reads my blog. I haven’t got a comment in weeks. Misspell something…
The divorce rate among my socks is astonishing.
This year thousands of men will die from stubbornness. No we won’t.
[A grumpy cat the day the Mayan calendar ended] “Still Here. Worst Apocalypse Ever.”
The realest photography struggle ever…
[Kevin Rudd] Where was I before I was so rudely interrupted?
You can’t run through a campground. You can only ran, because it’s past tents.
I was on an online conference call with a cute sounding girl, and googled her name out of curiosity. Forgot I was sharing my screen with her.
Blow in her face and she'll follow you anywhere.
R2D2: They beeped out every single word he said
The Government where the money’s made up and the debt doesn’t matter.
Angry Birds Australia…
A baby’s laughter is one of the most beautiful sounds you’ll ever hear. Unless it’s 3 AM, you’re home alone, and you don’t have a baby.
American Bald Eagle vs. Australian Wedge Tail Eagle.
IKEA product recall advert on April Fools Day
Aboriginal Spongebob spotted in Cairns.
An SQL query walks into a bar, goes up to two tables and asks, “May I join you?”
Colgate have created an ingenious campaign to promote their dental floss.
The average human body contains enough bones to make an entire human skeleton.
The Winner of the “Not My Job” Award goes to…
There’s only one thing I hate more than lying. Skim milk, which is water that’s lying about being milk.
Optical illusion: Keep your eyes on the cross, and see what happens.
My husband is a liar and a cheat. He has cheated on me from the beginning, and, when I confront him, he denies everything…
Congress: have you tried turning it off and on again?
Moses, meet Steve. He’s gonna upgrade your tablets…
It is with great happiness that I’m telling you that I eloped with my new boyfriend…
The new iPhone 5C with IOS 7.
Two Aboriginal lads are riding along the Hume Highway on a motorbike…
I think it is just terrible and disgusting how everyone has treated Lance Armstrong, especially after what he achieved, winning seven Tour de France races while on drugs. When I was on drugs, I couldn’t even find my bike.
20 years ago we had Johnny Cash, Bob Hope and Steve Jobs. Now we have No Cash, No Hope and No Jobs. Please don’t let Kevin Bacon die.
My dog Bailey tried to steal stuff out of my daughter’s purse. He got stuck and came over to me for help.
Experience trumps youth.
Went to the moon, took 5 photos. Went to the bathroom, took 37 photos.
List of reasons why a room would have to contain a bucket and be almost entirely laminated: 1) Bad reasons.
My man likes something unexpected now and then. That’s why I serve him rice.
Whilst doing a long overdue clearout at the offices of Ireland’s oldest and most respected school of dance, Mrs O’Hara made a terrible discovery…
A heavy metal guitarist chicken
Did you know there is a species of antelope capable of jumping higher than the average house? This is due to its powerful hind legs and the fact that the average house cannot jump.
Remember when you threw a shoe at me and I fell somewhere behind the bed? I remember too.
It’s a male dominated culture, no matter how you look at it…
The Fellowship of the Ring.
Describe a process that could be used to create a simple door.
Interviewer: What would you consider to be your greatest weakness?
A comprehensive guide to fixing any computer.
Tell someone you love them today, because life is short. But shout it at them in German, because life is also terrifying and confusing.
And God promised men that good and obedient wives would be found in all corners of the world…
I will deprive you of sex all night with my crying and then suck on your wife’s tits in the morning.
Recruiters are one step above the Mafia…
First Robert De Niro, then Robert De Faro.
An atheist, a Jew, and a Christian walk into a bar…
A mock-up of the iPhone 10, after the launch of the “taller” iPhone5.
A kangaroo kicks an unsuspecting boy into a dam while an emu strolls past.
I wish to clarify that I am not now, nor have I ever been, an exotic dancer…
Yeah, well, I didn’t believe in reincarnation when I was your age, either.
Accidentally went grocery shopping on an empty stomach and now I’m the proud owner of aisle 4.
Canadian Riots: Sorry to bother you, but perhaps you should take a break as our mayor?
For too long the voice of women has been silenced. It’s time they had microphones in kitchens.
What is a word made up of 4 letters yet is also made up of 3. Although is written with 8 letters, and then with 4. Rarely consists of 6, and never is written with 5.
Was gonna ride to work today. Couldn’t find my coconut shells.
Cat: The dog went missing? Hahaha! Hahaha! I’m sorry human. Hahaha… no seriously, I’m so sad…
Balloons are so weird… “Happy Birthday, here’s a plastic sack of my breath”
A Nurse was on duty in the Emergency Room, when a young woman with purple hair styled into a punk rocker Mohawk, sporting a variety of tattoos, and wearing strange clothes, entered…
I hope he doesn’t say something retarded…
The next time you get a rejection letter from a hoped-for employer or publisher, just send them the following…
You’re fired Jack, the lab results just came back and you tested positive for Coke.
It’s not that difficult to tell alligators and crocodiles apart…
A business man was walking down the street when he was accosted by a particularly dirty and shabby-looking homeless man who asked him for a couple of dollars for dinner…
Accurate Animal Names: Australian Edition
Image of a soldier pointing a gun towards the camera with caption “When you first left, I missed you badly… I WONT THIS TIME”
I accidentally swallowed some scrabble tiles… My next dump could spell disaster.
Australia was founded in 1901 by Jimmy “Crocodile” Austral, a deportee of England who was banished for cannibalism, having eaten 32 members of the House of Lords. In accordance with English colonial law, this entitled him to an entire already-inhabited continent.
Of course we want peace–this piece and this piece and this piece and this piece…
To wake up gay in the morning just try this at Bedtime Tonight!
Anatidaephobia is the fear that somewhere in the world, there is a duck watching you.
Australian Monopoly: St Marys to Penrith Special Edition.
Next time a stranger talks to me when I’m alone I will look at them shocked and just whisper quietly, “you can see me?”
A real girlfriend does not complain when her boyfriend is on his xbox…
English can be weird. It can be understood through tough thorough thought, though.
Dear Dr Ruth, I’m writing to tell you my problem. It seems I have been married to a sex maniac for the past 22 years…
Goldstar Beer Ads: What goes through the mind of men and women when they’re asked to go for a drink…
I’m signing up for an online dating service. I just need to pick a username. “Little Kid Lover”, that way people will know where my priorities are at.
Passive Agressive Hippie: You want a [peace sign] of me?
Marriage: Before & After (Chicken Style).
Proof USB cables exist in 4-dimensional space.
Ultimate chick flick: Two women fighting over a pair of shoes
Perfect Existence: The Proof
Fifteen things to do at the supermarket while your spouse is taking their sweet time…
I am passing this on to you because it definitely worked for me today, and we all could probably use more calm in our lives.
How many feminists does it take to change a lightbulb? Don’t be silly, feminists can’t change anything!
Robot Vacuum Cat Shark Duck Chase.
Requesting Air Support! “Believe in yourself. You can do it!”
I’d like to return this. It’s unused. This is your diploma. Cash is fine.
I’ve learned so much from my mistakes… I’m thinking of making a few more.
Animals that didn’t expect their humans to come home so early!
What do we want? Better memory! When do we want it? Want what?
If you are lonely, dim all lights and put on a horror movie. After a while it won’t feel like you’re alone anymore.
You should never do anything wrong, it will catch up with you…
We always hear the rules from the female side. Now here are the rules from the male side…
Always love a woman for her personality. They have like 10, so you can choose.
You are alone on an uninhabited island. Which of these would you choose as your companion?
Best way to freak out your friends: Do not open unless you plan to kill it (written on an upside down container)
Boy sitting next to sign “No Campaigning beyond This Point” holding sign “Will Be President for Food”.
Steady Hand – The Results (or what happens when you play Steady Hand)
A western woman in Africa—presumably a tourist—squats to go to the toilet in the bush, pants down, toilet paper in hand, her backpack in the grass nearby; unaware a lion is sneaking up behind her. Captioned “if she hasn’t… she will soon”.
I think I might stay home tonight… Liver and Wallet like this.
I tried cooking supper with wine tonight. Didn’t go so well. After 5 glasses I forgot why I was even in the kitchen.
If the human population held hands around the equator, a significant portion of them would drown.
Hazardous Materials Data Sheet – Woman.
Why do Java developers wear glasses? Because they don’t C#!
Buy two and receive a Free Fountain Face!
Indoors, women are useful — even pleasant. On a mountain they are something of a drag. So don’t go hauling them up a cliff…
Attention! Today is Sunday. Share this on your Facebook wall. Within seven days you’ll get another Sunday…
The Circle of Life: Who is afraid of who?
What do we want? A cure for tourettes! When do we want it? …
Here is a heart warming picture of a little girl that saved a fish from drowning.
So you’re saying people will “tweet” what they’re eating for breakfast?
We’ve all heard about men having guts or balls. But do you really know the difference between them?
The book “Understanding Women” is now available in paperback!
Sentence Structure: Why sentence structure is important.
Women: No problem girls… I can go on. Men: Ahhhh! I’m dying.
Video games don’t make us violent – lag does!
Hi honey. This is Daddy. Is Mummy near the phone?
Well I’m grounded. WTF did you do this time? My Mum asked me to do the laundry and threw a sock at me… I ran away screaming “Master has presented Dobby with clothes! Dobby is free!”
And I was all like, pew pew pew! Pew pew pew! ‘Merica!
Valve’s “Portal”, as an iPad decoration.
What’s the main reason for motorbike accidents in Jamaica?
Please don’t let the cat out. No matter what it tells you!
Mum, what’s it like to have the greatest daughter in the world? I don’t know dear… you’ll have to ask grandma.
Don’t worry I’m Koalafied to drive.
An IT student is walking along with his bike…
Hi! I’m 32. I’m a politician and I’m honest. Hi. I’m 29, I’m a prostitute and I’m a virgin.
Who are we? Women! What do we want? We don’t know! When do we want it? NOW!
The Chef does everything but cook – that’s what wives are for!
This morning, I was beaten up by a busy woman in an elevator. I was staring at her boobs when she said, “would you please press one?”. So I did. I don’t remember much after that.
A guy walks into a bar and takes a seat. Before he can order a beer, the bowl of pretzels in front of him says “Hey, you’re a handsome fellow.”
And here we see a wild bus drinking water from a river.
“Just doing a spot-check to see what you’re doing… Yup, sitting at your computer again!” The expression on this ostrich’s face is excellent.
A psychedelic illusion where a brightly coloured non-moving image appears to be pulsating in and out.
Dog attacks person. Put dog to sleep. Cat attacks person. LOL, jus’ bein’ a cat.
I can’t believe she didn’t press charges. It got worse when he posted the unpeeled photos of her.
I said be quiet! Don’t make me come in there!
1969: A child’s parents blame him for his bad grades. Today: A child’s parents blame his teacher for his bad grades.
Pregnancy & Women: Frequently Asked Questions
Text of a letter from a kid from Eromanga to Mum and Dad.
A stress management technique recommended in all the latest psychological texts.
Upgrade kit for iPhone 4 owners. Only 99¢.
The Adventures of TinTin: TinTin in Wynnum.
A woman inadvertently points a gun towards a man.
A man took his wife to the Rodeo and one of the exhibits is that of breeding bulls…
Feeling sad and depressed? Are you anxious? Worried about the future? Feeling isolated and alone? You might be suffering from Capitalism.
If you like it then you shoulda put a pin on it!
It looks like you’re a Communist traitor…
A physicist sees a young man about to jump off the Empire State Building…
Melbourne Cup Cat Horse.
Video games ruined my life. Good thing I have two more.
Investment Opportunity. Thought you might want to consider getting on board early.
I don’t always get rated on my terrorism attacks, but when I do, I usually get 9/11.
Stupid Child Efficiency Mop. Wipe high-efficiently.
I took the shell off my racing snail, thinking it would make him run faster.
Proof that not knowing everything is the best way to go.
The difference between men & women when they are sick.
I’m telling you – the man and the dog are definitely working together…
All non-fiction Lance Armstrong books including “Lance Armstrong: Images of a Champion”, “The Lance Armstrong Peprformance Program” and “Lance Armstrong: World’s Greatest Champion” will soon be moved to the fiction section.
Does anyone have an extra Microsoft Office suite pass key?
An illustrated cat-guide to drugs…
I was going to make a joke about a bank, but then I lost interest…
I phone, you tube. Hi honey, I’m home. Chocolate milk shake.
Told her not to brag about her barbie dream house…
Alien blood transfusions are illegal for ghosts, but beach chickens win!
[Campbell Newman laughing] …and then I said to the public service… you can trust me…
Windows cannot find the file. Would you like some wine instead?
In 1986, Peter Davies was on holiday in Kenya after graduating from Louisiana State University…
If a man says he will fix it, he will. There is no need to remind him every 6 months.
Relax and concentrate on the four small dots in the middle of the picture…
A rather mean impression of what Michael Jackson’s dog might look like, if it had similar surgery.
When someone yells “STOP”, I never know if it’s in the name of love, it’s Hammertime, or I should collaborate and listen…
If your a grammar nazi and your reading this your gonna have a bad time.
Wives: Look this ad over carefully. Circle the items you want for Christmas. Show it to your husband. If he does not go to the store immediately, cry a little…
Chance of keeping your job if you’re wrong more than 75% of the time.
There was a spider, I panicked. But I think it’s gone now.
The eponymous cows is used to demonstrate the advantages and flaws of certain economic systems.
If today is “May the 4th be with you” does that mean tomorrow is “revenge of the 5th?”
This morning on the freeway, I looked over to my left and there was a woman in a brand new Cadillac doing 110…
In Russia people sneeze fire after drinking lots of vodka.
A collection of creative Apple MacBook stickers & decals.
Amanda is 21 years older than her son John. In 6 years from now, Amanda will be 5 times as old as John…
Private customer parking only. All others will be toad.
Some typically Australian problems that other people don’t face.
It’s a beautiful day. I really want you to go outside and play.
A Russian arrives in New York City as a new immigrant to the United States…
Is there anything worse than a Lego for stepping on in the middle of the night? A landmine.
How to sneak chocolate into an American movie theatre.
Not to get technical but according to chemistry alcohol is a solution.
Interviewer: What would you consider to be your greatest weakness?
What to do when you’re locked inside your car, and the keys are outside…
The second amendment gives Americans the right to bear arms. I think many have taken this out of context.
The typical “evolution of man” poster, except the man is facing his “earlier ancestors” saying “Stop following me!”
North Korea: I will destroy America! Obama: Too late!
Marriage secrets of highly successful couples.
Have a seat Kermit. What I’m about to tell you might come as a big shock…
Hands in the air! Now wave them around like you just don’t care!
skdjaskdhsajdahsdjashds.jpg already exists. Do you want to replace it? You've got to be kidding me.
Holy crap! Look how late it is! Why do I always do this? Why is it so hard to stop surfing the internet and just go to bed?
Police & Protesters help fat man remove pants…
Man stating he ‘came too soon’ in front of sign stating ‘premature ejaculators anonymous’.
When a woman says “what?”, it’s not because she didn’t hear you. She’s giving you a chance to change what you said.
Brace Yourself. Pizza is coming.
General Motors doesn’t have a help line for people who don’t know how to drive because people don’t buy cars like they buy computers, but imagine if they did…
Meth: Before & After (or R2-D2 versus R2-FU).
A man driving a car while a woman sits beside him, with her seatbelt across her mouth, preventing her from commenting.
I stayed up all night to see where the sun went. Then it dawned on me…
3 years in jail for stealing my nose!
To avoid perpetuating gender stereotypes, I gave my daughter a mix of dolls and toy cars to play with. This is what happened…
If I had 10 pieces of bacon, and you took 4, what would you have? Yes, that’s right you’d have a black eye and a bruised hand.
Googled “dachshund racing”. Was not disappointed.
In what is perhaps one of the more stupid “features” on my Samsung Galaxy Note, when it reaches full charge, it lights up its screen and pops up and audible alert saying “Battery fully charged. Unplug charger.” As I charge my phone at night, it is effectively an extremely annoying unwanted wake-up call.
It was entertainment night at the senior centre and the Amazing Claude was topping the bill…
Biology – the only science where multiplication and division mean the same thing…
A raccoon lies dead on the road, holding a “get well soon” balloon.
When comforting a grammar nazi, I always say softly, “there, their, they’re”
The Alphabet Game is a car game played to amuse travellers on long car rides.
How the hell is the ball still in your hand?