DBA/SQL Humour — Ned Martin’s Amused

An SQL query walks into a bar, goes up to two tables and asks, “Mind if I join you?”

Then a waitress walks up and says “Nice view!”

I prefer Count Star to Count Dracula, because I don’t like having to consider which Draculas are NULL.

Q: What do you call someone who turns into Father Christmas whenever there’s a full moon?

A: A were-clause.

NULL is the Chuck Norris of the database – nothing can be compared to it.

Q: Why do you never ask a DBA to help you move your furniture?

A: They sometimes drop the table.


There are two types of DBAs:

  1. DBAs that do backups
  2. DBAs that will do backups

3 DBAs walk into a NoSQL bar. A little while later they walk out because they couldn’t find a table.

A SQL Injection walks into a bar, starts to quote something but stops, drops a table, then dashes out.

Q1: What did the DBA say to the Developer?

A: It doesn’t matter, he wasn’t listening anyway.

Q2: What did the Developer say to the DBA?

A: It doesn’t matter, the answer was no.

It is March 1st and the first day of DBMS school. The teacher starts off with a roll call.

Teacher: Oracle?
“Present sir”

Teacher: DB2?
“Present sir”

Teacher: SQL Server?
“Present sir”

Teacher: MySQL?
Teacher: MySQL?
Teacher: Where the hell is MySQL?

[In rushes MySQL, unshaven, hair a mess]
Teacher: Where have you been MySQL?
“Sorry sir I thought it was February 31st

A DBA goes out of his visual studio to go to the InitPub and asks for a large Table with a View. The localhost, who is also the enterprise manager here, points with his index finger: “Why don’t you join those two tables over there? “. The DBA takes a quick lookup and says, “They are looking very user friendly, but I’m not sure if they are into a union”. The localhost insists: “They are nice looking models, this is a hint.” Ok,” says the DBA, “but I think they are very interested in a commit, and I am only interested in a loose connection and a little transaction. I think I’m not the type for such a good looking relational model”. The localhost turns around, just saying “Well, access with integrity” and goes on with his services. The DBA goes to the tables.  “Hello, what can I get you?” The response is a bit cold: “We like our usual ACID. But for the record, I don’t like to abort, so you’d better roll back to where you came from”. The DBA was a bit or 8 shocked by this result. “Oh! But we could have a shared memory together” he says, “How about a replication?” “Nope, it’s runtime for you now. Out!”

That triggers the DBA to leave immediately; he doesn’t even want to make a snapshot, and walks out. “I need to recover” he thought, “I’m standalone again, but that’s okay. Two tables? Such relation would have been one-too- many for me anyway…”

A big party is being held to honour relational database systems and their impact on modern society. Outside the venue, the host awaits the guests.

The first limousine arrives and out steps Oracle followed by 4 people.

Host: Who have you brought along?
Oracle: I have 4 DBAs in tow. One to install me, one to design the databases, one to administer me, and the other to justify the cost.

A second limo arrives and out steps DB2 followed by 40 people.

Host: Who have you bought along?
DB2: I have 2 DBAs, 2 hardware specialists, and 36 consultants.

A third limo arrives and out steps SQL Server all on his own.

Host: Why haven’t you brought anyone?
SQL Server: I didn’t bring anyone because I am easy to install and am basically self managing. But I did bring the #sqlhelp Twitter hashtag for when the excrement hits the fan.

20 minutes later, up rushes MySQL, unshaved, hair a mess.

Host: Where have you been MySQL?
MySQL: Sorry, I thought it was February 31st.