Dear Tech support — Ned Martin’s Amused

From a forum I frequent, slightly modified and corrected – apologies if I’ve infringed anyone’s personal copyright.

Wife 1.0

Dear Tech support

Last year I upgraded from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0. I soon noticed that the new program began unexpected child processing that took up a lot of space and valuable resources. No mention of this was included with the product information. In addition, Wife 1.0 installed itself into all other programs and now launches during system initialization, where it monitors all other system activity. Applications such as Poker Night 10.3, Football 5.0, Hunting and Fishing 7.5, and Racing 3.6 no longer run, crashing the system whenever selected. I can’t seem to keep Wife 1.0 in the background while attempting to run my favourite applications.

I’m thinking about going back to Girlfriend 7.0, but the uninstall doesn’t work on Wife 1.0 Please help!


A Troubled User.



Dear Troubled User:

This is a very common problem that men complain about. It is due to a primary misconception. Many people upgrade from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0, thinking that it is merely a Utilities and Entertainment program. Wife 1.0 is an OPERATING SYSTEM and is designed by its Creator to run EVERYTHING! It is also impossible to delete Wife 1.0 and to return to Girlfriend 7.0. Hidden operating systems files cause Girlfriend 7.0 to emulate Wife 1.0, so nothing is gained. It is impossible to uninstall, delete, or purge the program files from the system once installed. You cannot go back to Girlfriend 7.0 because Wife 1.0 is designed to not allow this. Some have tried Girlfriend 8.0 or Wife 2.0 but end up with more problems than in the original system. Look in your Wife 1.0 manual under Warnings-Alimony/Child Support

I recommend that you keep Wife 1.0 and work on improving the situation. I suggest installing the background application “Yes, Dear” to alleviate software augmentation. Having installed Wife 1.0 myself, I also suggest that you read the entire section regarding ‘General Partnership Faults’! (GPFs.) Your Wife 1.0 does a scan for GPFs during its monthly program maintenance scan (PMS). You must assume joint responsibility for any faults and problems that occur, regardless of their cause. You will also find that GPFs are cyclical. The best course of action is to enter the command C:\APOLOGIZE. Avoid excessive use of C:\YESDEAR because ultimately you will have to give the APOLOGIZE command before the system will return to normal anyway. Remember, the system will run smoothly as long as you share the blame for all GPFs. Wife 1.0 is a great program, but it tends to be very high maintenance.

Wife 1.0 comes with several support programs, such as Clean and Sweep 3.0, Cook It 1.5 (which replaces Burn It 1.0), and Do Bills 4.2. You must, however, be very careful how you use these programs. Improper use will cause the system to launch the program Nag Nag 9.5. Once this happens, the only way to improve the performance of Wife 1.0 is to purchase additional software. I recommend Flowers 2.1 and Diamonds 5.0 should this happen.

WARNING! DO NOT, under any circumstances, install Secretary With Short Skirt 3.3. This application is not supported by Wife 1.0 and will cause irreversible damage to the operating system.

Best of luck,
Tech Support

Are there upgrades to Wife 1.0? I had a 4 year trial period to Girlfriend 7.0. I liked it so much that I upgraded myself to Wife 1.0

Wife 1.0 has been running with no flaws except the occasional OE (Operator Error) problem.

I have to say though, the upgrade from GF 7.0 to Wife 1.0 was the best thing I have ever done. I would highly suggest it to anybody thinking about it.

I’ve had no need to upgrade to Wife 1.0 yet. I have been using the Girlfriend brand of applications since the first alpha RC that I got for free while at school. So far, the various Girlfriend distros have satisfied my needs just fine. Once I even tried to run two different distros of Girlfriend on a dual boot. This worked well at first but an error loop developed when I tried to exchange data between distros. This corrupted both Girlfriend installations requiring a complete reformat of the system before installing the next upgrade.

I have found that upgrades to the various Girlfriends have become available soon after finding any bugs. This is a distinct advantage over the continuous patching required keep any Wife version stable. I looked into upgrading old Girlfriend versions to Wife 1.0 in the past, but found that Wife 1.0 was not compatible with my B. Pad Alpha 0.04 or any other applications form the Hobbies range.

It should be noted that the UK version of Girlfriend has a common law bug that is yet to be patched. After 5 years constant use, it will automatically upgrade to Wife 1.0 without notice. This bug can be avoided by purging the system every few years and installing a different Girlfriend distro.

Similar with the Canadian version of Girlfriend, however the Canadian bug is the latest V9.0, which automatically upgrades to Wife1.0 after 12 months use.

The presence of Nag Nag 9.5 usually indicates that there are jobs running in the background that stopped working or that you have attempted to close a job while it was still running. These unclosed jobs can build up unnoticed until your Wife or Girlfriend install fails to boot. Running Flowers 2.1 and Diamonds 5 regularly can help slow down the process but ultimately the underlying jobs problem will come back. Currently the only solution is to manually review all open jobs running on the system and try to close them one by one.

For those of you using Enterprise level solutions: The installation of Butler MX and Gardener CS can significantly reduce the number of background jobs running on the system. However, both applications put a considerable load on you wallet chip. You must ensure that you have sufficient salary in your wallet chip to run Butler MX before you install.

Rolling on floor laughing

I have not upgraded from wife 1.0 and don’t plan on it. I am particularly pleased with the backend processor and fast front-side bus.

However, I have found some utilities that make things run really smoothly. The most effective one so far has been Cache 10.0.

I’m still stuck on ChatBuddy 11.0! I’ve run through trials of DateMe series, but after trials of different versions, it was getting quite costly, so I’ve since downgraded back to ChatBuddy. I have not yet decided to even try Girlfriend of any version because it seems like quite an investment and Wife 1.0 even more so. I can’t afford to obtain all the other programs required to run these especially if they spawn the child program Baby 1.0. After all, you know how this works with Baby 1.0 – Wife 1.0 seems to tend to spawn subsequent duplicates of the program with each one being a drain on resource usage therefore requiring subsequent cache upgrades. These programs then require periodic maintenance even after attempting to uninstall Wife 1.0. I’ve seen this to be a bug in the Girlfriend series also. ChatBuddy may be getting old, but at least it’s compatible with many of my other programs and it’s relatively inexpensive. About the only issue I’m aware of that I’ve had with downgrading to ChatBuddy is acquiring the depression virus which I’ve yet to find an antivirus to, but maybe this is a feature in the Girlfriend series I’m not aware of.

I tried Girlfriend 5.0 for some time and that was ummm... well I gave up and went on to Girlfriend 7.0 on a whole new operating system (Blonde OS 5.0), the latter of which I upgraded to Wife 1.0. All the FDISK in the world didn’t fix that one... so I gave in... and went back to Girlfriend 7.1.2 yet ExWife 1.0 is still running in the background causing memory errors, and Fatal Protection errors.

Yet I do think that Girlfriend 7.1.2 will make a great Wife 2.0 when I can fully uninstall Exwife 1.0.

FDISK won’t remove Wife 1.0 completely. The Nag Nag 9.5 module creates a large number of hidden files that are set to read only. When installing Wife 2.0, these Nag files are permanently compiled into the Wife 2.0 build. Try using Psychiatrist 1.0.2 to unhide these files.

ChatBuddy? I haven’t used that since 1989. Didn’t know they still made it. As I remember, ChatBuddy didn’t allow you to interface any hardware, which meant that its capabilities were limited. I mean, even the free Girlfriend 1.0 Educational edition comes with at least one interface socket for using Lip™ hardware. You may find the Nevada Prostitute range of applications can help with your ChatBuddy system support. Note: the Nevada Prostitute range is not compatible with any Girlfriend or Wife software. I have also seen reports that a security flaw in Prostitute 2.0 and above, when used with Wife 1.0, can leave the system open to the Divorce Lawyer worm. The worm works by eating up all resources of your Wallet chip. It also restricts access to all versions of Baby1.+. This is a particularly persistent worm that should be avoided at all costs.