Beer Troubleshooting Chart — Ned Martin’s Amused

Beer Troubleshooting Chart


Symptom Fault Action
Feet cold and wet Glass being held at incorrect angle Rotate glass so that open end points toward ceiling
Feet warm and wet Improper bladder control Stand next to nearest dog, complain about house training
Beer unusually pale and tasteless Glass empty Get someone to buy you another beer
Opposite wall covered with fluorescent lights You have fallen over backward Have yourself lashed to bar
Mouth contains cigarette butts You have fallen forward See above
Beer tasteless, front of your shirt is wet Mouth not open, or glass applied to wrong part of face Retire to restroom, practice in mirror
Floor blurred You are looking through bottom of empty glass Get someone to buy you another beer
Floor moving You are being carried out Find out if you are being taken to another bar
Room seems unusually dark Bar has closed Confirm home address with bartender
Taxi suddenly takes on colourful aspect and textures Beer consumption has exceeded personal limitations Cover mouth
Everyone looks up to you and smiles You are dancing on the table Fall on somebody cushy-looking
Beer is crystal-clear It’s water. Somebody is trying to sober you up Punch him
Hands hurt, nose hurts, mind unusually clear You have been in a fight Apologize to everyone you see, just in case it was them
Don’t recognize anyone, don’t recognize the room you’re in You’ve wandered into the wrong party See if they have free beer
Your singing sounds distorted The beer is too weak Have more beer until your voice improves
Don’t remember the words to the song Beer is just right Play air guitar