Cybersex How-Not-To — Ned Martin’s Amused

A CyberSex Session

Online computer users often engage in what is affectionately known as "cybersex." Often the fantasies typed into keyboards and shared through Internet phone lines get pretty raunchy. However, as you`ll see below, one of the two cyber-surfers in the following log file of an online IRC dcc chat doesn't seem to quite get the point of cyber sex.

WELLHUNG: Hello, Sweetheart. What do you look like?
SWEETHEART: I am wearing a red silk blouse, a miniskirt and high heels
I work out every day, I'm toned and perfect
My measurements are 36-24-36
What do you look like ?
WELLHUNG: I'm 5'9", about 280 pounds, and wear glasses
I have on a pair of blue sweat pants from Walmart
I'm also wearing a an old T-shirt and Mets baseball cap
The T-Shirt has a few spots of barbecue sauce on it though
SWEETHEART: I see. Well, I want you anyway. Would you like to screw ?
WELLHUNG: OK, Sure ! What the hell ! Why not ?
SWEETHEART: We're in my bedroom. There`s soft music playing on the stereo
There's candles on my dresser and night table
I'm looking up into your eyes, smiling
My hand works its way down to your crotch...
and begins to fondle your huge, swelling bulge
WELLHUNG: I'm gulping, I'm beginning to sweat again
SWEETHEART: I'm pulling up your T-Shirt and kissing your chest
WELLHUNG: Watch the barbecue spots, some of them are still wet
SWEETHEART: Never mind that ! Now, I'm running my fingers thru your hair
WELLHUNG: Gee, maybe I shoulda showered first, huh ?
I was cutting the lawn all afternoon & am a little sweaty
SWEETHEART: That's OK. Now I'm moaning softly, waiting...
WELLHUNG: Now I'm unbuttoning your blouse. My hands are trembling
I'm taking hold of your blouse and sliding it off
SWEETHEART: That's better. I'm throwing my head back in pleasure
The cool silk starts to slide off my warm skin
I'm rubbing your bulge faster, pulling and rubbing...
WELLHUNG: My hand suddenly jerks spastically and rips your blouse. I'm sorry.
SWEETHEART: That's OK, it wasn't really too expensive
WELLHUNG: Well, I'll pay for it. Did it come from Walmart ?
SWEETHEART: Don`t worry about it. Scheesch !!! At least, it's off
I'm wearing a lacy black bra...
My soft breasts are rising and falling,
as I breathe harder and harder
WELLHUNG: I'm fumbling with the clasp on your bra. I think it`s stuck
Do you have any scissors handy, or a razor blade ?
SWEETHEART: I sigh, and take your hand and kiss it softly
I'm reaching back undoing the clasp. The bra slides off quickly
The air caresses my breasts. My nipples are erect for you
WELLHUNG: How did you do that so easily ? Damn thing !
I'm picking up the bra and inspecting the clasp...
SWEETHEART: Will you forget the God damn bra ? It's off already !
I'm arching my back. Oh baby...
I just want to feel your tongue all over me
WELLHUNG: I'm dropping the bra. I'm staring. Are you sure you're a 36 ?
Now I'm licking your, uh, you know, er uh, breasts
SWEETHEART: I'm running my fingers through your hair again...
Now, I'm nibbling your ear
WELLHUNG: I suddenly sneeze 3 times. Must be your cologne. I'm allergic
Your breasts are all covered with spit
WELLHUNG: I'm so sorry; Really !!!
I'm taking what's left of your blouse and wiping your breasts off
SWEETHEART: I'm taking the wet blouse from you. I drop it with a plop
OK. I'm pulling your sweat pants down & rubbing your hard tool
WELLHUNG: I'm screaming. Your hands are cold ! Yikes !
SWEETHEART: I`m pulling up my miniskirt. Take off my panties
WELLHUNG: I'm pulling off your panties. My tongue is going all over
in and out, now I'm nibbling on you... uh... wait a minute
SWEETHEART: What's the matter ?
WELLHUNG: I've got pubic hairs caught in my throat. I`m choking !
WELLHUNG: I'm having a coughing fit. I'm turning all red
SWEETHEART: Can I help ?
WELLHUNG: I'm running to the kitchen, choking wildly
I'm fumbling through the cabinets, looking for a cup
Where do you keep your cups ?
SWEETHEART: In the cabinet to the right of the sink
WELLHUNG: I'm drinking a cup of water. There, that`s better
SWEETHEART: Come back to me, lover
WELLHUNG: I'm washing the cup now
SWEETHEART: I'm on the bed waiting and longing for you
WELLHUNG: I'm drying the cup, and putting it back in the cabinet
And now I'm walking back to the bedroom
Wait !!! I`m lost. Where are you ?
Where the hell's the damn bedroom ?
SWEETHEART: Last door on the left at the end of the hall
WELLHUNG: I found it. Turning off all the lights now
SWEETHEART: I'm tugging off your pants. I`m moaning. I want you so badly
WELLHUNG: Yeah. Me too
SWEETHEART: Your pants are finally off
I kiss you passionately
Our naked bodies pressing against each other
WELLHUNG: You're pushing my glasses into my face. It hurts
SWEETHEART: I'm sighing. Why don't you take off your glasses ?
WELLHUNG: OK, but I can't see very well without them
I place the glasses on the night table
SWEETHEART: I'm bending over the bed. Give it to me, baby !
WELLHUNG: I have to pee. I'm fumbling my way blindly across the room
Now, I'm running for the bathroom. My God it's dark in here
SWEETHEART: Hurry back, please !
WELLHUNG: I find the bathroom, but not the light switch
I'm feeling around for the toilet. I lift the lid
SWEETHEART: I'm waiting eagerly for your return
WELLHUNG: I'm done going. I`m feeling around for the flush handle
But I can't find it. Uh-oh !
SWEETHEART: What`s the matter now ?
WELLHUNG: I've realized that I`ve whizzed into your laundry hamper
Sorry again. I'm feeling my way back to the bedroom now
SWEETHEART: OK ! OK ! Just come on, will ya ?
WELLHUNG: OK, now I'm going to put my... uh, you know... thing...
in your... er, you know... your... woman`s thing
SWEETHEART: Yes ! Do it, baby ! Do it !!!
WELLHUNG: I'm touching your butt now. Are all these bumps boils or what ?
SWEETHEART: I'm moving my ass back and forth, moaning
WELLHUNG: I'm kissing your neck. Umm, I'm having a little trouble here
SWEETHEART: I can't stand it another second !
Slide it in ! Screw me now !!!
WELLHUNG: I can't -- I'm flaccid
WELLHUNG: I'm limp. No erection at all. It's gone. Too many beers
SWEETHEART: I'm standing up & turning around; an incredulous look on my face
WELLHUNG: I'm shrugging with a sad look on my face, my wiener all floppy
I'm going to get my glasses and see what's wrong
SWEETHEART: No, never mind. Forget it. I'm putting on my underwear
Now I'm putting on my wet nasty tattered blouse
WELLHUNG: No wait ! Now I'm squinting, trying to find the night table
I'm feeling along the dresser, knocking over cans of hair spray
Uh oh ! A hair spray can just bumped the candles
SWEETHEART: Now I'm putting on my shoes. I'm leavin'
WELLHUNG: One of your candles fell on the curtains
The curtain's on fire! I`m pointing at it with a shocked look
SWEETHEART: Go to hell dummy. I`m logging off, you loser !
WELLHUNG: Now the carpet is on fire ! Oh noooo !
SWEETHEART: [no such nick/channel]