Amusing Quotes & One-Liners

Hemp is a herb. Bush is a dope.

When angry count four, when very angry, swear.

A backwards poet writes inverse.

“The object of war is not to die for your country but to make the other bastard die for his.” – General George Patton

Smoking cures weight problems...eventually...

Connection Reset By Aboriginal With Wire Cutters

Get a new car for your spouse – it’ll be a great trade!

Connection Reset - Insufficient Electrons

Did you hear about the cross-eyed teacher who lost her job because she couldn’t control her pupils?

Why does Sea World have a seafood restaurant? I’m halfway through my fish burger and I realize, Oh my gosh... I could be eating a slow learner.

All men are equal. Some are just more equal than others.

I think, therefore I am single.

I was the next door kid’s imaginary friend.

If a job is worth doing well get someone else to do it.

Five out of four people have trouble with fractions.

Foolproof systems don’t take into account the ingenuity of fools.

Hypochondria is the only disease I haven’t got.

“My wife made me join a bridge club. I jump off next Tuesday” — Rodney Dangerfield

I love being married. It’s so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.

England has no kidney bank, but it does have a Liverpool.

Jokes about German sausage are the wurst.

You can’t have everything. Where would you put it?

Nothing means nothing, but it isn’t really nothing because nothing is something that isn’t.

In this world, nothing is certain but death and taxes. – Benjamin Franklin

I used to think I was indecisive, but now I’m not sure.

“The web is a dominatrix. Every where I turn, I see little buttons ordering me to Submit.” — Nytwind.

Better to remain silent and be thought a fool, than to speak and remove all doubt.

Plagiarism saves time.

It is a fitting irony that under Richard Nixon, ‘launder’ became a dirty word.

Bacteria: the only culture some people have.

I generally avoid temptation unless I can’t resist it.

When in doubt, mumble.

Chipped dishes never break.

I arise in the morning torn between a desire to improve the world and a desire to enjoy the world. This makes it hard to plan the day.

It is well to remember the entire population of the universe, with one trifling exception, is composed of others.

Originality is the fine art of remembering what you hear, but forgetting where you heard it.

Confidence is the feeling you have before you understand the situation.

There are two kinds of people, those who finish what they start, and so on.

A great many people think they are thinking when they are merely rearranging their prejudices.

Man shoots neighbour with machete [The Miami Herald, July 3]

Men have a much better time of it than women; for one thing, they marry later; for another thing they die earlier.

I spilled spot remover on my dog. Now he’s gone.

He who laughs last thinks slowest.

Mind like a steel trap – rusty and illegal in most states.

Some people say that I must be a horrible person, but that’s not true. I have the heart of a young boy – in a jar on my desk.

Honk if you love peace and quiet.

I love cats – they taste just like chicken.

Proofread carefully to see if you any words out.

Jokes about German sausage are the wurst.

I fear my inferiority complex is not as good as yours.

A diplomatic husband said to his wife, how do you expect me to remember your birthday when you never look any older?

Before you give a colleague a piece of your mind, be sure you can spare it.

If sex is such a natural phenomenon, how come there are so many books on how to do it.

I was at a bar nursing a beer. My nipple was getting quite soggy.

I Haven’t Lost My Mind, It’s Backed Up On Disk Somewhere.

“I would like to live in Manchester, England. The transition between Manchester and death would be unnoticeable”. — Mark Twain

“I wish everyone was peaceful. Then I could take over the planet with a butter knife”—Dogbert

I used up all my sick days, so I’m calling in dead.

A bargain is something you don’t need at a price you can’t resist.

Before marriage, a man yearns for the woman he loves. After marriage, the ‘Y’ becomes silent.

Whenever I feel like exercise, I lie down until the feeling passes.

If olive oil comes from olives, where does baby oil come from?

I spent most of my money on booze, drugs and women... The rest I wasted!

Years ago fairy tales began with “Once upon a time...” Now it’s “If I am elected...”

It’s strange, isn’t it. You stand in the middle of a library and go aaaaagghhhh’ and everyone just stares at you. But you do the same thing on an aeroplane, and everyone joins in.

I used to think I was indecisive, but now I’m not sure.

Climbers aim for the summit because it is there. Bungi jumpers dive off the top because they aren’t all there.

The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.

The more time you spend in reporting on what you are doing, the less time you have to do it in. Stability is achieved when you spend all your time doing nothing but reporting on the nothing you are doing.

Always do sober what you said you’d do drunk. That will teach you to keep your mouth shut.

Quantum: Noun, word used to sound like I know what I’m talking about while discussing physics I’ve never actually studied.

Two signs from a Majorcan shop entrance: English well speaking / Here speeching American.

Why is it that doctors call what they do “practice”?

If money talks, it ain’t on speakin’ terms with me.

Sometimes I think the surest sign that intelligent life exists elsewhere in the universe is that none of it has tried to contact us.

All my life, I always wanted to be somebody. Now I see that I should have been more specific.

The chance of a piece of bread falling with the buttered side down is directly proportional to the cost of the carpet.

Without question, the greatest invention in the history of mankind is beer. Oh, I grant you that the wheel was also a fine invention, but the wheel does not go nearly as well with pizza.

A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a train stops. On my desk I have a workstation...

“Things are more like they are now than they ever were before.” – Former U.S. President Dwight D. Eisenhower

“Managing senior programmers is like herding cats” — Dave Platt.

Just because you’re not paranoid doesn’t mean they’re not out to get you.

A cartoonist was found dead in his home. Details are sketchy.

Under capitalism, man exploits man. Under Communism, it’s just the opposite.

You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say will be misquoted then used against you.

The trouble with life is there’s no background music.

History will be kind to me for I intend to write it. – Winston Churchill

Two strings walk into a bar. The first string says to the bartender, “Bartender, I’ll have a beer. u.5n$x5t?*&4ru!2[sACCErJ”. The second string says, “Pardon my friend, he isn’t NULL terminated”.

When you do not know what you are doing, do it neatly.

Early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.

“When you starve with a tiger, the tiger starves last”. — Griffin’s Thought

You’ll never get to heaven if you’re scared of getting high.

I’m an idealist: I don’t know where I’m going, but I’m on my way.

In the beginning, there was nothing. Then God said, “Let there be light,” and there was still nothing, but you could see it.

The short fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.

The beatings will continue until morale improves.

I guess traffic in the city is improving a little. Yesterday, I drove clear across town and only had to shave twice.

My one regret in life is that I am not someone else.

Snowmen fall from Heaven unassembled.

Lots of people know a good thing the minute the other fellow sees it first.

Even crime wouldn’t pay if the government ran it.

Democracy is a process by which people are free to choose the man who will get the blame.

Half our life is spent trying to find something to do with the time we have rushed through life trying to save.

He’s so lazy. I’ve seen him step into a revolving door and wait.

We Quit Voting Will They All Go Away?

Programmer – A red-eyed, mumbling mammal capable of conversing with inanimate objects.

We spend the first twelve months of our children’s lives teaching them to walk and talk and the next twelve telling them to sit down and shut up.

A dyslexic man walks into a bra.

The trouble with our times is that the future is not what it used to be.

I’m sorry; you cannot have an outlook on life because it isn’t responding. Microsoft apologises for any inconvenience.

Be kind to your dentist. He has fillings, too.

If it’s true that we are here to help others, then what exactly are the others here for?

Mines are equal opportunity weapons.

Anything not nailed down is mine. Anything I can pry loose is not nailed down.

“Life is a waste of time, time is a waste of life, so get wasted all of the time and have the time of your life”. — Tom Waits

The second day of a diet is alway easier than the first. By the second day, you’re off it.

“I have never let my schooling interfere with my education.”—Mark Twain

As a final incentive before giving up a difficult task, try to imagine it successfully accomplished by someone you violently dislike.

Being single is like a vacuum. It sucks when you are turned on.

Arguing on the Internet is like competing in the Special Olympics – even if you win, you are still retarded.

Birthdays are good for you. Statistics show that the people who have the most live the longest.

“If women didn’t exist, all the money in the world would have no meaning.” – Aristotle Onassis

There are three ways to get something done: do it yourself, hire someone, or forbid your kids to do it.

If a man opens a car door for a woman, either the car is new or the woman.

Life is complex: it has real and imaginary parts.

How Many Roads Must A Man Travel Down Before He Admits He Is Lost?

A baby sitter is a teenager acting like an adult while the adults are out acting like teenagers.

Life is far too important to be taken seriously.

You have the right to your opinions. I just don’t want to hear them.

Eat a live toad first thing in the morning, and nothing worse can happen to you the rest of the day.

Technology is a way of organizing the universe so that man doesn’t have to experience it.

Honest criticism is hard to take, particularly from a relative, a friend, an acquaintance, or a stranger.

Anyone can admit they were wrong; the true test is admitting it to someone else.

The shortest distance between two points is under construction.

I like to start my periods with sentences.

People can be divided into three groups: Those who make things happen, those who watch things happen, and those who wonder what happened.

Caution – Driver Legally Blonde!

The art of flying is to throw yourself at the ground and miss.

Time flies like an arrow – fruit flies like a banana.

Why don’t you ever see the headline “Psychic Wins Lottery”?

What do you call a dinosaur with an extensive vocabulary? A thesaurus.

I like kids, but I don’t think I could eat a whole one.

Applying computer technology is simply finding the right wrench to pound in the correct screw.

Time is God’s way of keeping everything from happening at once.

I always wanted to be a procrastinator, never got around to it though.

Legend: a lie that has attained the dignity of age.

Energizer Bunny arrested: Charged with battery.

My husband says I never listen to him (at least I think that’s what he said)

Heck is where people go who don’t believe in gosh.

I think that’s how Chicago got started. A bunch of people in New York said, “Gee, I’m enjoying the crime and the poverty, but it just isn’t cold enough. Let’s go west.”—Richard Jeni

Lord, if you won’t make me skinny, please make all my friends fat.

If you think nobody cares if you’re alive, try missing a couple of car payments.

Some people are alive only because it’s illegal to kill them.

The fellow who thinks he knows it all is especially annoying to those of us who do.

Work expands to fill the time available. — PARKINSON’S LAW

e=mc^2 where m = the number of cooks required to spoil the broth

I married my wife for her looks... but not the ones she’s been giving me lately!

Everybody is ignorant, only on different subjects.

If puns were outlawed, only outlaws would have puns.

Being in the army is like being in the Boy Scouts, except that the Boy Scouts have adult supervision.

Man does not live by words alone, despite the fact that sometimes he has to eat them.

It’s easy to quit smoking... I’ve done it over 10,000 times.

He who trains his tongue to quote the learned sages, will be known far and wide as a smart ass.

The sooner you fall behind the more time you’ll have to catch up.

I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.

He often broke into song because he couldn’t find the key.

A clean tie attracts the soup of the day.

“You can always count on Americans to do the right thing—after they’ve tried everything else” – Winston Churchill

I have the body of a GOD – Buddha.

“Your mouse has moved. Windows must be restarted for the change to take effect. Reboot now ? [OK]”

The difference between a stepping-stone and a stumbling block can be when you see it.

In the beginning, God created earth and rested. Then God created man and rested. Then God created woman. Since then, neither God nor man has rested.

Tip the world over on its side and everything loose will land in Los Angeles.

Tips for Vegetarians: Hit a chicken enough times and it turns into a vegetable.

Be nice to your kids. They’ll choose your nursing home.

Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.

How do you spot an Irishman at a carwash? He’s the one on the bike.

It is said that if you line up all the cars in the world end to end, someone would be stupid enough to try and pass them.

“You, you and you: panic. The rest of you, come with me.”

You have to stay in shape. My grandmother, she started walking five miles a day when she was 60. She’s 97 today and we don’t know where the hell she is.

Does this smell like chloroform to you?

All the toilets in New York’s police stations have been stolen. The police have nothing to go on.

Not all men are annoying. Some are dead.

Everybody is somebody else’s weirdo.

Mental Floss prevents Moral Decay.

Fundamentalism: Believe in a kind, loving God or we’ll kill you!

We must believe in free will, we have no choice.

When you come to a fork in the road, take it.

Democracy is the recurrent suspicion that more than half of the people are right more than half of the time.

Being a philosopher, I have a problem for every solution.

Warning: Dates in Calendar are closer than they appear.

I majored in liberal arts. Will that be for here or to go?

If we learn by our mistakes, some of us are getting one hell of an education!

You can say any foolish thing to a dog, and the dog will give you a look that says, “My God, you’re right! I never would’ve thought of that!”

When life hands you a lemon, make lemonade.

In the office of a Roman doctor: Specialist in women and other diseases.

The illegal we do immediately. The unconstitutional takes a little longer. – Henry Kissinger

Bachelors have consciences, married men have wives.

Latest survey shows that 3 out of 4 people make up 75% of the world’s population.

I don’t have an attitude problem. You have a perception problem.

TEAMWORK... means never having to take all the blame yourself.

Venison for dinner again? Oh deer!

A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat.

Any task worth doing was worth doing yesterday.

Why do we wash bath towels, aren’t we clean when we use them?

It has recently been discovered that research causes cancer in rats.

I wished the buck stopped here, as I could use a few.

An egotist is a person of low taste—more interested in himself than in me.

If at first you do succeed, try to hide your astonishment.

Genius is 1% inspiration, and 99% perspiration.

I wonder how much deeper would the ocean be without sponges.

Some people are going to leave a mark on this world, while others will leave a stain.

Don’t look back. Something may be gaining on you.

Anywhere is walking distance, if you’ve got the time.

Early to rise, early to bed, makes a man healthy but socially dead.

Get even – live long enough to be a problem to your kids.

The only perfect science is hindsight.

I don’t want to achieve immortality through my work. I want to achieve immortality through not dying.

Oh, don’t fuss. I just cut myself. It’s no big deal,” REALLY MEANS, “I have actually severed a limb, but will bleed to death before I admit I’m hurt.”

Age is a very high price to pay for maturity.

A printer consists of three main parts: the case, the jammed paper tray and the blinking red light

If it’s 0 degrees today and it’s going to be twice as cold tomorrow... how cold will it be?

If automobiles had followed the same development cycle as the computer, a Rolls Royce would today cost $100, get a million miles per gallon, and explode once a year, killing everyone inside.

Everyone hates me because I’m paranoid.

If I were someone who knew something, who could I tell that would believe me?

“If builders built buildings the way programmers write programs, then the first woodpecker that came along would destroy civilization” — Weinberg’s Second Law.

If someone with multiple personalities threatens suicide... is it considered a hostage situation?

The dumber people think you are, the more surprised they’re going to be when you kill them—Rodney Dangerfield

Men occasionally stumble over the truth, but most of them pick themselves up and hurry off as if nothing had happened. – Winston Churchill

You’re not drunk if you can lie on the floor without holding on.

This mind intentionally left blank

It is a small world, but I wouldn’t like to have to paint it.

I didn’t like my beard at first. Then it grew on me.

Everyone needs belief in something. I believe I’ll have another beer.

Smith & Wesson — the original point and click interface.

“I believe in equality for everyone, except reporters and photographers”. — Gandhi

Why is it that to stop Windows, you have to click on “Start”?

I used to be a Kleptomaniac, But now I’m taking something for it

The trouble with the rat race is that even if you win, you’re still a rat.

On the other hand you have different fingers.

If at first you don’t succeed, destroy all the evidence that you tried.

Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian any more than going to the garage makes you a car.

If you’re not confused, you’re not paying attention.

A study in the Washington Post says that women have better verbal skills than men. I just want to say to the authors of that study: “Duh.”— Conan O’Brien

Needing someone is like needing a parachute. If he isn’t there the first time you need him, chances are you won’t be needing him again.

Madness takes its toll. Please have exact change.

Anyone who told you to be yourself couldn’t have given you worse advice.

At the age of six I wanted to be a cook. At seven I wanted to be Napoleon. And my ambition has been growing steadily ever since.

Friends may come and go, but enemies accumulate

The number of people watching you is directly proportional to the stupidity of your action.

IRS: We’ve got what it takes to take what you’ve got.

Hang in there; retirement is only thirty years away.

If you can stay calm, while all around you is chaos... then you probably haven’t completely understood the situation.

I changed my iPod’s name to Titanic. It’s syncing now.

Conscience is the inner voice warning us that someone may be looking.

I envy people who drink – at least they know what to blame everything on.

When he first ran for office, he appealed to the voters: “I never stole anything in my life. All I ask is a chance.”

The early bird gets the worm, but the early worm gets eaten.

Hard work never killed anybody but why take the chance?

The things that come to those that wait may be the things left by those who got there first.

If Bill Gates had a nickel for every time Windows crashed... oh wait, he does.

If everything is coming your way, you are probably in the wrong lane.

As the light changed from red to green to yellow and back to red again, I sat there thinking about life. Was it nothing more than a bunch of honking and yelling? Sometimes it seemed that way.

The day I can’t do my job drunk is the day I turn in my badge and gun.

My mind works like lightning. One brilliant flash and it is gone.

Where do you find an Irish woodworm? Dead inside a brick.

One should forgive one’s enemies, but not before they are hanged.

Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?

Money is better than poverty, if only for financial reasons.

The sooner you fall behind the more time you’ll have to catch up.

I either want less corruption, or more chance to participate in it.

I can resist everything except temptation.

Good judgement comes from experience. Experience comes from bad judgement.

If you’re not wasted, the day is.

“You start coding. I’ll go find out what they want.” — Computer analyst to programmer

Wine divulges truth.

Red Tape Holds Up New Bridge!

Is Disney World the only people trap operated by a mouse?

Remember, half the people you know are below average.

If all you have is a hammer, everything looks like a nail.

Most vegetarians look so much like the food they eat that they can be classified as cannibals.

I don’t enjoy computer jokes; not one bit.

Pick your friends but not to pieces.

“I think there is a world market for maybe five computers.” — Thomas Watson, chairman of IBM, 1943.

“There is no reason anyone would want a computer in their home.” — Ken Olson, founder of Digital Equipment Corp., 1977.

I’m quite easy to get along with, once you learn to beckon at my every call and yield to all my desires.

Character is what you are in the dark.

If you can’t be kind, at least have the decency to be vague.

A drop of ink may make a million think.

I heard a man say that brigands demand your money or your life, whereas women require both.

Promises are like babies: fun to make, but hell to deliver.

“Thinking is the hardest work there is, which is probably why so few engage in it”. — Henry Ford

“How can a president not be an actor?” – when asked “How could an actor become president?” – Ronald Reagan

If we don’t succeed, we run the risk of failure.

“Always in motion the future is. Seasick it makes me. That’s why so green I am”. – Yoda

It’s hard to face the problem, when the problem is your face.

If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?

Never put both feet in your mouth at the same time, because then you don’t have a leg to stand on.

I can please only one person per day. Today is not your day. Tomorrow isn’t looking good either.

It is not what a teenager knows that bothers his parents. It is how he found out.

“There are only two things that are infinite: the universe and human stupidity. And I’m not sure about the universe.” A. Einstein

I don’t suffer from stress. I’m a carrier.

Chaos, panic, & disorder – my work here is done.

“They say hard work never hurt anybody, but I figure why take the chance.” – Ronald Reagan

Statistics are like bikinis – What they reveal is suggestive, but what they conceal is vital.

Even paranoids have real enemies.

Military intelligence is a contradiction in terms.

A penny saved is a Congressional spending oversight.

I started out with nothing, and I still have most of it.

I dropped out of communism class because of lousy Marx.

Democracy is a government where you can say what you think even if you don’t think.

As long as there are tests, there will be prayer in public schools.

I’d like to see things your way, but I’m looking in another direction.

In a Norwegian cocktail lounge: Ladies are requested not to have children in the bar.

“A patriot must always be ready to defend his country against his government”. — Edward Abbey

If a woman has to choose between catching a fly ball and saving an infant’s life, she will choose to save the infant’s life without even considering if there is a man on base.—Dave Barry

Isn’t having a smoking section in a restaurant like having a peeing section in a swimming pool?

Bigamy is having one wife too many. Monogamy is the same. – Oscar Wilde

I haven’t spoken to my wife for 18 months: I don’t like to interrupt her.

I majored in liberal arts. Will that be for here or to go?

What if there were no hypothetical questions?

I’m desperately trying to figure out why kamikaze pilots wore helmets.

System Error - Windows Loaded

Where you stand depends on where you sit.

Laugh and the world laughs with you; snore and you sleep alone.

When I was a boy I was told that anybody could become president; I’m beginning to believe it.

Eagles may soar, but weasels don’t get sucked into jet engines.

My girlfriend told me I should be more affectionate. So I got two more girlfriends.

“Then he ran into my knife. He ran into my knife ten times.” – Chicago

If life was fair, Elvis would be alive and all the impersonators would be dead.

Partying... oops No Only Parting... sorry

If you try and don’t succeed, cheat. Repeat until caught. Then lie.

Well, if I called the wrong number, why did you answer the phone?

No sense being pessimistic, it probably wouldn’t work anyway.

Solitude is fine, but you need someone to tell you that solitude is fine.

This girl said she recognized me from the vegetarian club, but I’d never met herbivore

If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?

I’m reading a book about anti-gravity. I can’t put it down.

They say you only use ten percent of your brain. What about the other ten?

Why is it called tourist season if we can’t shoot at them?

I installed a skylight in my apartment. The people who live above me are furious.

Everybody lies, but it doesn’t matter since nobody listens.

There are only three kinds of people; people who can count and people who can’t.

How do you sink an Irish Submarine? Knock on the hatch.

“This report, by its very length, defends itself against the risk of being read”. — Winston Churchill

I’m in no shape to exercise.

Procrastinate Now!

If you don’t know why I’m mad at you, then I’m certainly not going to tell you

Errors have been made. Others will be blamed.

“I have left orders to be awakened at any time in case of national emergency – even if I’m in a Cabinet meeting.” – Ronald Reagan

If we aren’t supposed to eat animals, why are they made of meat?

Ever stop to think and forget to start again?

God must love stupid people, he made so many.

Prediction is extremely difficult. Especially about the future.

Of course, we are all worms—but I like to think, at least, that I am a glow-worm. – Winston Churchill

The best computer is a man, and it’s the only one that can be mass-produced by unskilled labour.

Half of being smart is knowing what you are dumb at.

My schoolmates would make love to anything that moved, but I never saw any reason to limit myself.

Velcro — what a rip off!

Stupidity is not a handicap! Park somewhere else!

Any ship can be a minesweeper... once.

A dog that attends a flea circus most likely will steal the whole show.

I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol.

Remember the teakettle; though up to its neck in hot water, it continues to sing.

Am I getting smart with you? How would you know?

Is there life before death?

Computers make it easy to do a lot of things, but most of the things that make it easier to do don’t need to be done.

An Irish man was driving to the airport when he saw a sign saying ‘Airport – Left’... So he went home.

Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying of nothing.

Don’t marry for money. You can borrow it cheaper.

If at first you don’t succeed, try, try again. Then quit. There’s no use being a damned fool about it.

I did a theatrical performance about puns. It was a play on words.

Love is blind, but marriage is a real eye-opener.

“I’d rather have a bottle in front of me, than a frontal lobotomy”. — Tom Waits

For Sale: Parachute. Only used once, never opened, small stain.

There are 10 types of people in the world: Those who understand binary, and those who don’t.

If At First You Don’t Succeed... Blame Someone Else And Seek Counseling.

If you do not make dust, you eat dust.

Someday we’ll look back on all this and plow into the back of a parked car.

A pessimist is a man who has been compelled to live with an optimist

If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?

There are very few personal problems that cannot be solved through a suitable application of high explosives.

I married Miss Right. I just didn’t know her first name was Always.

A day without sun shine is like, you know, night.

I have great faith in fools; my friends call it self-confidence.

“Blink your eyelids periodically to lubricate your eyes.” — Page 16 of the HP “Environmental, Health Safety Handbook for Employees”.

Ours is a world where people don’t know what they want and are willing to go through hell to get it.

If people concentrated on the really important things in life, there’d be a shortage of fishing poles.

They say if you play a Microsoft CD backwards you hear satanic messages. That’s nothing, if you play it forwards it installs Windows.

Age is an issue of mind over matter. If you don’t mind, it doesn’t matter.

What’s the definition of a will? (It’s a dead giveaway).

We waste time, so you don’t have to.

Be thankful for problems. If they were less difficult, someone with less ability might have your job.

So Many Pedestrians – So Little Time.

Anything’s possible... apart from skiing through a revolving door.

One martini is all right, two is too many, and three is not enough.

According to recent study someone is run over by a car every 5 minutes in the city. You’d think the guy would have enough sense to get out of the street.

Every time I look at you I get a fierce desire to be lonesome.

Well if this is the wrong number, why did you answer it?

If you don’t pay your exorcist you get repossessed.

Some pain is physical, and some is mental, but one that’s both is dental.

“Einstein argued that there must be simplified explanations of nature, because God is not capricious or arbitrary. No such faith comforts the software engineer.” — Fred Brooks.

Hope sees the invisible, feels the intangible and achieves the impossible.

I’m not afraid of heights, only widths.

If the human brain were so simple that we could understand it, we would be so simple we couldn’t.

There is nothing so annoying as to have two people go right on talking when you’re interrupting.

“He has been given a large brain by mistake, since for him the spinal cord would fully suffice.” — Albert Einstein

How do I set a laser printer to stun?

Best way to get a man to do something, is to suggest they are too old for it.

Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

Blessed are those who can laugh at themselves, they will never cease to be amused.

Don’t be irreplaceable; if you cannot be replaced, you cannot be promoted.

What happens if you get scared half to death twice?

Man who drive like hell bound to get there.

“People who drink light beer don’t like the taste of beer; they just like to pee a lot” — Rodney Dangerfield

If at first you don’t succeed, try management.

The man who fell into an upholstery machine is fully recovered.

Nick Overruled - Democratic Majority Decision

At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be “What is hell?” Come early and listen to our choir practice.

I love deadlines. I especially like the whooshing sound they make as they go flying by.

Sheep don’t fly so much as plummet.

Abel Tasman on discovering Tasmania, “Too far south for spices and too close to the rim of the earth to be inhabited by anything but freaks and monsters”

This Would Be Really Funny If It Weren’t Happening To Me.

I don’t approve of political jokes... I’ve seen too many of them get elected.

To succeed in politics, it is often necessary to rise above your principles.

If vegetable oil comes from vegetables, where does baby oil come from?

Anything that can become tangled around something else, will.

The dictionary is the only place where success comes before work.

Just because your head is the biggest doesn’t mean it contains the right ideas.

“The best thing about the future is that it comes only one day at a time.” – Abraham Lincoln

Outside a Hong Kong tailor shop: Ladies may have a fit upstairs.

When Chemists die, they barium.

My husband and I divorced over religious differences... He thought he was God and I didn’t.

Alcohol: the cause of, and solution to, all of life’s problems.

I have spent my whole life looking for the perfect woman, and now I’ve found her. Too bad she’s looking for the perfect man.

I have kleptomania, but when it gets bad, I take something for it. ~ Robert Benchle

System Error - Windows Loaded

I tried sniffing Coke once, but the ice cubes got stuck in my nose.

A poor excuse is like an old bucket; doesn’t matter what shape it is in, as long as it holds water.

I don’t suffer from stress. I’m a carrier.

In a Budapest zoo: Please do not feed the animals. If you have any suitable food, give it to the guard on duty.

Everybody has a photographic memory. Some don’t have film.

It’s not that I’m afraid to die; I just don’t want to be there when it happens.

Where there’s a will, I want to be in it.

I want to die peacefully in my sleep like my grandfather, not screaming in abject horror like his passengers.

Sex on television can’t hurt you unless you fall off.

If you don’t know where you are going, you will wind up somewhere else.

My life has a superb cast but I can’t figure out the plot.

Humour. It is a difficult concept. It is not logical.

“As a matter of fact” is an expression that precedes many an expression that isn’t.

Booze is the answer. I don’t remember the question.

“I am not worried about the deficit. It is big enough to take care of itself.” – Ronald Reagan

111,111,111 x 111,111,111 = 12,345,678,987,654,321

The only reason some people get lost in thought is because it’s unfamiliar territory.

How can you come out of a closet if you never went in there in the first place?

“A girl phoned me the other day and said... Come on over, there’s nobody home. I went over. Nobody was home” — Rodney Dangerfield

It doesn’t matter what temperature the room is; it’s always room temperature.

“I’ve noticed that everyone who is for abortion has already been born.” – Ronald Reagan

I laugh in the face of danger, except if I’m involved.

Just remember... if the world didn’t suck, we’d all fall off.

You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They left a little note on the windscreen, it said ‘Parking Fine.’

Seeing a murder on television...will help work off one’s antagonisms. And if you haven’t any antagonisms, the commercials will give you some.

I couldn’t repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.

Marathon runners with bad footwear suffer the agony of defeat.

Everything is possible; just not too probable.

Take my advice, I don’t use it anyway.

I Refuse To Have A Battle Of Wits With An Unarmed Person.

I’m out of my mind, but feel free to leave a message.

He’s not dead, he’s electroencephalographically challenged.

What Has Four Legs And An Arm? A Happy Pit Bull.

One good thing about repeating your mistakes is that you know when to cringe.

Money is flat and meant to be piled up. – Scottish Proverb

Whenever there is any doubt, there is no doubt.

When your IQ reaches 80 –– sell.

If trees could scream, would we be so cavalier about cutting them down? We might, if they screamed all the time, for no good reason.

Keyboard not detected. Press F1 to continue

The world is full of willing people; some willing to work, the rest willing to let them.

One day I will get this peer guy and reset his connection.

There’s a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot.

My mind not only wanders, sometimes it leaves completely.

This guy walks into a bar and the barman says “Ouch, that must have hurt”

Roses are red, Violets are blue. In Soviet Russia, Poems write you.

I took a speed reading course and read ‘War and Peace’ in twenty minutes. It involves Russia. Enough women for four.

“I could tell that my parents hated me. My bath toys were a toaster and a radio” — Rodney Dangerfield

On a tombstone: I TOLD YOU I WAS SICK

That which cannot be taken apart will fall apart.

Last night I lay in bed looking up at the stars in the sky and I thought to myself, “Where the heck is the ceiling?”

If you don’t know where you are going, you might wind up someplace else.

To B or not to B? *kills the B* I HATE BEES!!!! – LynxofCP

I have noticed that the people who are late are often so much jollier that the people who have to wait for them.

A guy got arrested for playing the guitar. He was fingering a minor.

Gossip: The art of saying nothing while leaving nothing unsaid.

A bird does not sing because it has an answer—it sings because it has a song.

I intend to live forever – so far, so good.

Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy.

The only difference between Genius and Insanity... is success.

Next time you wave, use all your fingers.

Cheer up, the worst is yet to come.

I took an IQ test and the results were negative.

Lead us not into temptation. Just tell us where it is; we’ll find it.

There are two kinds of people, those who finish what they start, and so on.

We’ve made great medical progress in the last generation. What used to be merely an itch is now an allergy.

I live in my own little world, but it’s ok they know me here.

“Auntie Em: hate you, hate Kansas, taking the dog.” – Dorothy

Anger is only one letter away from danger.

Those who can laugh without cause have either found the true meaning of happiness or have gone stark raving mad.

Life... I don’t get it...

If you’re born again, do you have two bellybuttons?

I often quote myself; it adds spice to my conversation.

If at first you don’t succeed, skydiving is not your sport.

Cole’s Law: Thinly sliced cabbage.

The earthquake in Washington obviously was the government’s fault.

If the world should blow itself up, the last audible voice would be that of an expert saying it can’t be done.

Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don’t.

“Oh dear,” said God, “I hadn’t thought of that,” and promptly vanished in a puff of logic.

A committee is a body that keeps minutes and wastes hours.

Never go to a doctor whose office plants have died.

“#define QUESTION ((bb) || !(bb))” — Shakespeare

It’s important to be open-minded, but not SO open-minded that your brains fall out.

Cheerfulness is contagious, but don’t wait to catch it from others. Be a carrier.

The scientific theory I like best is that the rings of Saturn are composed entirely of lost airline luggage.

The human brain is a wonderful thing. It starts working the moment you are born, and never stops until you stand up to speak in public.

“When in doubt tell the truth.”—Mark Twain

I get enough exercise just pushing my luck.

Broken pencils are pointless.

An army of deer led by a lion is more to be feared than an army of lions led by a deer.

I think animal testing is a terrible idea; they get all nervous and give the wrong answers.

Vote for the man who promises least; he’ll be the least disappointing.

I don’t like people who take drugs... Customs Officers for example.

Englishmen never will be slaves: they are free to do whatever the Government and public opinion allow them to do.

Cluster bombing from B-52s is very, very accurate – the bombs always hit the ground.

I like children. Properly cooked.

Women like silent men. They think they’re listening.

Confidence is the feeling you have before you understand the situation

Why is the man that invests your money called a broker?

A conclusion is simply the place where you got tired of thinking.

Does your train of thought have a caboose?

Some people are alive only because it’s illegal to kill them.

Santa’s helpers are subordinate clauses.

Sometimes I wake up grumpy; other times I let her sleep

It’s not hard to meet expenses, they’re everywhere.

Don’t use a big word where a diminutive one will suffice.

I don’t necessarily agree with everything I say.

99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.

Shin: a device for finding furniture in the dark.

Make sure your mind isn’t so open that your brains fall out.

Well, this day was a total waste of makeup.

I’m not dumb; I just have a command of thoroughly useless information.

My reality check just bounced.

I have gone to look for myself, if I should return before I get back, keep me here.

Love is like an hourglass, with the heart filling up as the brain empties.

Doctor, Doctor You’ve got to help me – I just can’t stop my hands shaking. Do you drink a lot? Not really – I spill most of it!

Maybe I’m lucky to be going so slowly, because I may be going in the wrong direction.

Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

He does the work of three men: Larry, Moe and Curly.

Laugh at your problems; everybody else does.

If a President doesn’t do it to his wife, he’ll do it to his country.

I tried to photograph the fog, but I mist.

I work hard because millions on welfare depend on me.

If I were two-faced, would I be wearing this one?

I am amazed at radio DJ’s today. I am firmly convinced that AM on my radio stands for Absolute Moron. I will not begin to tell you what FM stands for.

My parents stayed together for forty years, but that was out of spite.

Streakers beware: Your end is in sight.

Brilliant, but with the social skills of a thermonuclear device.

I hate women because they always know where things are.

I used to be a banker, but then I lost interest.

I have a simple philosophy. Fill what’s empty. Empty what’s full. Scratch where it itches.

Impotence: Nature’s Way Of Saying “No Hard Feelings”.

“There are two major products that come out of Berkeley: LSD and UNIX. We don’t believe this to be a coincidence.” — Jeremy S. Anderson

You look like a million dollars. All green and wrinkled.

A hangover is the wrath of grapes.

Money can’t buy happiness, but it sure makes misery easier to live with.

Doctor, Doctor I keep getting pains in the eye when I drink coffee. Have you tried taking the spoon out?

Don’t talk unless you can improve the silence.

Consciousness: that annoying time between naps.

I am free of all prejudices. I hate everyone equally.

How do you keep an Irishman busy? Write P.T.O on both sides of a piece of paper.

Man who run in front of car get tired.

If it weren’t for electricity we’d all be watching television by candlelight?

Cleverly Disguised As A Responsible Adult.

Despite the cost of living it’s still very popular.

Knowledge is the key, but where is the damn lock?

Restarting System - Mouse Moved

Success always occurs in private, and failure in full public view.

In a Copenhagen airline ticket office: We take your bags and send them in all directions.

Instead of getting married again, I’m going to find a woman I don’t like and just give her a house.—Rod Stewart

Experience is something you do not get until just after you need it.

Don’t Be Sexist – Broads Hate That.

After all is said and done, more is said than done.

Youth would be an ideal state if it came a little later in life.

Bacteria: the only culture some people have.

Murphy’s Golden Rule: Whoever has the gold makes the rules.

Slow is when someone laps you in the hundred-yard dash

Haunted French pancakes give me the crêpes.

What sane person could live in this world and not be crazy?

You’re such an inspiration for the way I’ll never choose to be.

On the keyboard of life, always keep one finger on the escape key.

I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.

I used to be apathetic, but now I don’t give a damn.

If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?

There is no such thing as an underestimate of average intelligence

The doctor can bury his mistakes but an architect can only advise his client to plant vines.

If you want a committed man, look in a mental hospital.

Shin: a device for finding furniture in the dark.

If you want your spouse to listen and pay strict attention to every word you say, talk in your sleep.

Quantum mechanics: The dreams stuff is made of.

Succeed in spite of management. Aim Low; Reach Your Goals, Avoid Disappointment.

The amount of work to be done increases in proportion to the amount of work already completed. — VAIL’S SECOND AXIOM

Man who run behind car get exhausted.

Don’t stop to stomp on ants when the elephants are stampeding.

If ever I get married again it would have to be under an anaesthetic.

Anything not nailed down is a cat toy.

Raising teenagers is like trying to nail Jell-O to a tree.

Men’s faults are many, women have only two. Everything they say, and everything they do.

I don’t believe in astrology. I am a Sagittarius and we’re very skeptical. ~ Arthur C. Clarke

Cab drivers are living proof that practice does not make perfect.

He who smiles in a crisis has found someone to blame.

Everything you like is bad for you in some way.

In a Tokyo shop: Our nylons cost more than common, but you’ll find they are best in the long run.

“My computer NEVER loc

I used to find him boring until I stopped listening.

Optimists believe we live on the greatest world. Pessimists believe this is true.

Show me a piano falling down a mineshaft and I’ll show you A-flat minor.

When all other means of communication fail, try words.

To err is human – and to blame it on a computer is even more so.

I plead contemporary insanity.

Why is the third hand on the watch called a second hand?

Every morning is the dawn of a new error.

This comment is printed on 100% recycled electrons.

Only a fool is astonished by the foolishness of humankind.

Save the whales. Collect the whole set.

The most precious thing we have is life. Yet it has absolutely no trade-in value.

In democracy it’s your vote that counts. In feudalism it’s your count that votes.

It is not my interest to pay the principal, nor my principal to pay the interest.

I thought I wanted a career, turns out I just wanted paychecks.

I’ve always wanted to be normal, but lately I’ve come to suspect that this is it.

Killed - Personality Incompatibility

Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.

What does a clock do when it’s hungry? It goes back four seconds.

Authority makes some people grow – and others just swell.

I got a job at a bakery because I kneaded dough.

Men are from earth. Women are from earth. Deal with it.

If you can’t beat your computer at chess, try kickboxing.

Jack and Jill did it for the insurance.

Marriage is a three-ring circus: engagement ring, wedding ring, and suffering.

Illiterate? Write For Help.

Having more money doesn’t make you happier. I have 50 million dollars but I’m just as happy as when I had 48 million. ~ Arnold Schwarzenegger.

I love work; it fascinates me; I can sit and watch it for hours.

It is hard enough to remember my opinions, without also remembering my reasons for them!

If you can’t convince them, confuse them.

Remember... Marriage is the number one cause of divorce. Statistically, 100% of all divorces started with marriage.

When you get a bladder infection, urine trouble.

There are two types of people in this world, good and bad. The good sleep better, but the bad seem to enjoy the waking hours much more.

I am obviously right, and as you disagree with me, then logically you must be wrong.

Plan to be spontaneous tomorrow.

I always wanted to be somebody, but I should have been more specific.

Honesty is the best policy, but insanity is a better defence.

Living is not worth dying for.

Accept that some days you’re the pigeon, and some days you’re the statue.

Nobody can be exactly like me. Even I have trouble doing it.

Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7th of your life.

Artificial Intelligence is no match for Natural Stupidity.

“I’ve been on a calendar but I have never been on time” – Marilyn Monroe

“Are you going to come quietly, or do I have to use earplugs?”—Vale Spike Milligan

Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.

The truth is a precious commodity. That’s why I use it so sparingly.

It’s bad luck to be superstitious.

By the time a man realises that his father was right, he has a son who thinks he’s wrong.

“This ‘telephone’ has too many shortcomings to be seriously considered as a means of communication.” — Western Union internal memo, 1876.

Leftists are among the first to speak of their rights.

A procrastinator’s work is never done.

When I was young, I could remember anything. Whether it happened or not.

Always try to be modest and be proud of it!

Blessed are the young, for they shall inherit the national debt.

Work: It isn’t just for sleeping anymore.

I stayed up all night to see where the sun went. Then it dawned on me.

From the moment I picked your book up until I laid it down I was convulsed with laughter. Some day I intend reading it.

People with narrow minds usually have broad tongues.

Pardon my driving, I am reloading.

Laughing stock: cattle with a sense of humour.

If con is the opposite of pro, congress is the opposite of progress.

Support bacteria – they’re the only culture some people have.

Half of the people in the world are below average.

“If carrots are so good for the eyes, how come I see so many dead rabbits on the highway?”

My favorite mythical creature? The honest politician.

Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?

When a clock is hungry, it goes back four seconds.

Help Wanted: Telepath. You know where to apply.

I had some words with my wife, and she had some paragraphs with me.

Compromise: the art of dividing a cake so that everybody believes he or she got the biggest piece.

An Apple a day keeps the doctor away. But... an onion a day keeps everyone away.

If you can’t dazzle them with brilliance... just baffle them with bullsh*t.

I have had more trouble with myself than with any other man I’ve met.

It is wiser to find out than to suppose.—Mark Twain

Go the extra mile. It makes your boss look like an incompetent slacker.

Allow me to introduce my selves.

I don’t have a solution but I admire the problem.

Borrow money from pessimists- they don’t expect to get it back.

A soldier who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran.

Stupidity is not a handicap. Park elsewhere!

How do you know if a fish is Irish? It has drowned.

No problem is so big and complicated that it can’t be ran away from.

Never put off until tomorrow what you can avoid altogether.

PMS jokes aren’t funny. Period.

Progress was all right. Only it went on too long.

“Heavier-than-air flying machines are impossible.” — Lord Kelvin, president, Royal Society, 1895.

Plato is dead, Einstein is dead, and I’m not feeling too good myself...

I’d give my right arm to be ambidextrous.

Constipated People Don’t Give A Crap.

If you can’t convince them, confuse them.

Eagles may soar, but weasels don’t get sucked into jet engines.

Be careful when reading health books; you may die of a misprint.

People don’t grow up; they just learn how to act in public.

Who is General Failure and why is he reading my hard disk?

Age always corresponds inversely to the size of your multivitamin.

The trouble with jogging is that, by the time you realise you’re not in shape for it, it’s far too far to walk back.

Marriage is not a word; it is a sentence.

Never underestimate the power of very stupid people in large groups.

Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way when you criticize them, you are a mile away from them and you have their shoes.

If I have to work for an idiot, I might as well work for myself.

I don’t meet competition. I crush it

Experience is simply the name we give our mistakes.

Acupuncture is a jab well done.

“Reading computer manuals without the hardware is as frustrating as reading sex manuals without the software.” — Arthur C. Clarke.

I’ve been trying for some time to develop a life style that doesn’t require my presence.

Everybody is ignorant, only on different subjects.

Men don’t care what’s on TV. They only care what else is on TV.

To find out a girl’s faults, praise her to her girl friends.

A synonym is a word you use when you can’t spell the word you first thought of.

If quizzes are quizzical, what are tests?

Ninety-nine per cent of the people in the world are fools and the rest of us are in great danger of contagion.

Sheep don’t fly so much as plummet.

One good turn gets most of the blankets.

What’s another word for Thesaurus?

A bird in the hand is safer than one overhead.

“Always be sincere, even when you don’t mean it”. — Irene Peter

An egotist has one point in his favour – he doesn’t go round talking about other people.

There’s a fine line between genius and insanity. I have erased this line.

Don’t take life too seriously—you’ll never get out of it alive.

It’s just a job. Grass grows, birds fly, waves pound the sand. I just beat people up. – Muhammad Ali

When in trouble, fear or doubt, run in circles, scream and shout.

Time is a great teacher, but unfortunately it kills all its pupils.

Advertisement for donkey rides in Thailand: Would you like to ride on your own ass?

Never argue with an idiot. They drag you down to their level then beat you with experience.

Marriage changes passion... suddenly you’re in bed with a relative.

For people who like peace and quiet – a phoneless cord.

People who think they know everything are annoying to those of us who do.

Time’s fun when you’re having flies... Kermit the Frog

Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.

“The generation of random numbers is too important to be left to chance.” — Robert R. Coveyou, Oak Ridge National Laboratory.

I know a guy who is addicted to brake fluid. He says he can stop anytime.

The most powerful force in the universe is gossip.

A team effort is a lot of people doing what I say

If I’d known I was going to live this long, I’d have taken better care of myself.

How do you get an Irishman to burn his ear? Ring him up while he is ironing.

Time sneaks up on you like a windshield on a bug.

Whenever people agree with me, I always feel I must be wrong.

“I worked in a pet shop and people kept asking how big I’d get” — Rodney Dangerfield

If you don’t learn to laugh at troubles, you won’t have anything to laugh at when you grow old.

I take everything I can for my kleptomania.

“Reader, suppose you were an idiot. And suppose you were a member of Congress. But I repeat myself”. — Mark Twain

I thought I made a mistake once, but I was wrong.

I am a nobody, nobody is perfect, therefore I’m perfect.

A bachelor is a man who comes to work from a different direction each morning.

If you choke a smurf, what colour does it turn?

I wondered why the baseball was getting bigger. Then it hit me.

Remember half the people you know are below average.

Macho Law prohibits me from admitting I’m wrong.

You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.

“On two occasions I have been asked [by members of Parliament!]: ‘Pray, Mr. Babbage, if you put into the machine wrong figures, will the right answers come out ?’ I am not able rightly to apprehend the kind of confusion of ideas that could provoke such a question.” — Charles Babbage.

If it weren’t for the last minute, nothing would ever get done.

Tell me what you need, and I’ll tell you how to get along without it.

I am not a vegetarian because I love animals; I am a vegetarian because I hate plants.

“Hey, I’ve got reasons for what I’m doing,” REALLY MEANS, “I sure hope I think of some pretty soon.”

Outside of a dog, a book is probably man’s best friend, and inside of a dog, it’s too dark to read.

Politicians are people who, when they see the light at the end of the tunnel, go out and buy more tunnel.

When I’m not in my right mind, my left mind gets pretty crowded

The secret of success is sincerity. Once you can fake that you’ve got it made.

Age is a question of mind over matter. If you don’t mind, it don’t matter.

Don’t use a big word where a diminutive one will suffice.

The surprising thing about young fools is how many survive to become old fools.

How did Moses make his tea? Hebrews it.

Never buy a car you can’t push.

It is even harder for the average ape to believe that he has descended from man.

Always remember you’re unique, just like everyone else.

Make three correct guesses consecutively and you will establish yourself as an expert.

Comedy is tragedy plus time.

Bachelors know more about women than married men; if they didn’t they’d be married too.

Brain: an apparatus with which we think we think.

What hair color do they put on the driver’s licenses of bald men?

“Everyday I beat my own previous record for number of consecutive days I’ve stayed alive.”

You can always spot a well-informed man – his views are the same as yours.

Insanity is hereditary; you can get it from your children.

In a Rome laundry: Ladies, leave your clothes here and spend the afternoon having a good time.

Horn broken. Watch for finger. (on bumper sticker)

It is hard to understand how a cemetery raised its burial charges and blamed it on the cost of living.

They told me I had type A blood, but it was a Type O

Modesty is a virtue of fools.

“Few things are harder to put up with than a good example.”—Mark Twain

Why were the Indians here first? They had reservations.

The light at the end of the tunnel has been turned off due to budget cuts.

If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?

I’d explain it to you, but your brain would explode.

“Inconceivable!” “I do not think that word means what you think it means.”

I’m not into working out. My philosophy: No pain, no pain.

To define recursion, we must first define recursion.

When you are arguing with an idiot, make sure the other person isn’t doing the same thing.

I had amnesia once or twice.

Man who eat many prunes get good run for money.

Perhaps you’re diagonally parked in a parallel universe?

We have two ends. One for sitting and one for thinking. Our success depends on which one we use most.

It used to be only death and taxes were inevitable. Now, of course, there’s shipping and handling, too.

A person who smiles in the face of adversity... probably has a scapegoat.

All those who believe in psycho kinesis raise my hand.

“Every mighty oak was once just a nut who stood his ground.”

What do you call a dinosaur with an extensive vocabulary? A thesaurus.

I’m an apathetic sociopath – I’d kill you if I cared.

Seen it all, done it all, can’t remember most of it.

Moderation in all things, including moderation.

“You have to be careful about being too careful” – Beryl Pfizer

Eschew obfuscation.

There’s a difference between being open-minded and having a hole in your head

One of the greatest labour-saving inventions today is tomorrow.

If the French were really intelligent, they’d speak English.

“War does not determine who is right - only who is left.” – Bertrand Russell

INDECISION is the key to FLEXIBILITY.

I hope that after I die, people will say of me: “That guy sure owed me a lot of money.”

“Banking establishments are more dangerous than standing armies”. — Thomas Jefferson

There are 3 kinds of people: those who can count and those who can’t.

We are going on a field trip to the Coca-Cola factory. I hope there are no pop quizzes.

“How come we choose from just two people to run for president and 50 for Miss America?”

“C++ : Where friends have access to your private members.” — Gavin Russell Baker.

Once, during prohibition, I was forced to live for days on nothing but food and water.

AIBOHPHOBIA – the fear of palindromes.

On the plus side, death is one of the few things that can be done just as easily as lying down.

Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?

Youth is a wonderful thing. What a crime to waste it on children.

Someone sent me a postcard picture of the earth. On the back it said, “Wish you were here.”

In elementary school, in case of fire, you have to line up quietly in a single file line from smallest to tallest. What is the logic? Do tall people burn slower?

Somewhere on this globe, every ten seconds, is a woman giving birth to a child. She must be found and stopped.

A conscience does not prevent sin. It only prevents you from enjoying it.

It’s not true that married men live longer than single men. It only seems longer.

I stayed up all night to see where the sun went. Then it dawned on me.

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