Amusing Quotes & One-Liners

Knowledge is the key, but where is the damn lock?

Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying of nothing.

Honest criticism is hard to take, particularly from a relative, a friend, an acquaintance, or a stranger.

Sometimes I wake up grumpy; other times I let her sleep

Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.

If you can’t be kind, at least have the decency to be vague.

Never argue with an idiot. They drag you down to their level then beat you with experience.

A conscience does not prevent sin. It only prevents you from enjoying it.

Character is what you are in the dark.

When Chemists die, they barium.

Whenever I feel like exercise, I lie down until the feeling passes.

The man who fell into an upholstery machine is fully recovered.

“Then he ran into my knife. He ran into my knife ten times.” – Chicago

Bacteria: the only culture some people have.

When you get a bladder infection, urine trouble.

Anger is only one letter away from danger.

I’m not into working out. My philosophy: No pain, no pain.

Cole’s Law: Thinly sliced cabbage.

99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.

In democracy it’s your vote that counts. In feudalism it’s your count that votes.

What’s another word for Thesaurus?

Despite the cost of living it’s still very popular.

If Bill Gates had a nickel for every time Windows crashed... oh wait, he does.

The dumber people think you are, the more surprised they’re going to be when you kill them—Rodney Dangerfield

Best way to get a man to do something, is to suggest they are too old for it.

I like to start my periods with sentences.

I often quote myself; it adds spice to my conversation.

Somewhere on this globe, every ten seconds, is a woman giving birth to a child. She must be found and stopped.

Marriage is not a word; it is a sentence.

Borrow money from pessimists- they don’t expect to get it back.

Eagles may soar, but weasels don’t get sucked into jet engines.

I don’t necessarily agree with everything I say.

I wished the buck stopped here, as I could use a few.

How do I set a laser printer to stun?

Oh, don’t fuss. I just cut myself. It’s no big deal,” REALLY MEANS, “I have actually severed a limb, but will bleed to death before I admit I’m hurt.”

Optimists believe we live on the greatest world. Pessimists believe this is true.

“On two occasions I have been asked [by members of Parliament!]: ‘Pray, Mr. Babbage, if you put into the machine wrong figures, will the right answers come out ?’ I am not able rightly to apprehend the kind of confusion of ideas that could provoke such a question.” — Charles Babbage.

A dog that attends a flea circus most likely will steal the whole show.

A procrastinator’s work is never done.

Age is a question of mind over matter. If you don’t mind, it don’t matter.

This comment is printed on 100% recycled electrons.

I’m not dumb; I just have a command of thoroughly useless information.

“There are only two things that are infinite: the universe and human stupidity. And I’m not sure about the universe.” A. Einstein

Moderation in all things, including moderation.

In a Rome laundry: Ladies, leave your clothes here and spend the afternoon having a good time.

If automobiles had followed the same development cycle as the computer, a Rolls Royce would today cost $100, get a million miles per gallon, and explode once a year, killing everyone inside.

Bachelors have consciences, married men have wives.

I thought I made a mistake once, but I was wrong.

If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?

“The object of war is not to die for your country but to make the other bastard die for his.” – General George Patton

Hang in there; retirement is only thirty years away.

Don’t look back. Something may be gaining on you.

Blessed are the young, for they shall inherit the national debt.

Solitude is fine, but you need someone to tell you that solitude is fine.

A synonym is a word you use when you can’t spell the word you first thought of.

Having more money doesn’t make you happier. I have 50 million dollars but I’m just as happy as when I had 48 million. ~ Arnold Schwarzenegger.

If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?

Being in the army is like being in the Boy Scouts, except that the Boy Scouts have adult supervision.

You can’t have everything. Where would you put it?

Leftists are among the first to speak of their rights.

“If women didn’t exist, all the money in the world would have no meaning.” – Aristotle Onassis

He does the work of three men: Larry, Moe and Curly.

Plan to be spontaneous tomorrow.

You can always spot a well-informed man – his views are the same as yours.

“My computer NEVER loc

Plato is dead, Einstein is dead, and I’m not feeling too good myself...

In this world, nothing is certain but death and taxes. – Benjamin Franklin

I couldn’t repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.

“This ‘telephone’ has too many shortcomings to be seriously considered as a means of communication.” — Western Union internal memo, 1876.

The second day of a diet is alway easier than the first. By the second day, you’re off it.

I’m an apathetic sociopath – I’d kill you if I cared.

I’ve always wanted to be normal, but lately I’ve come to suspect that this is it.

Anything that can become tangled around something else, will.

It’s important to be open-minded, but not SO open-minded that your brains fall out.

Democracy is the recurrent suspicion that more than half of the people are right more than half of the time.

If vegetable oil comes from vegetables, where does baby oil come from?

The trouble with jogging is that, by the time you realise you’re not in shape for it, it’s far too far to walk back.

I spilled spot remover on my dog. Now he’s gone.

How do you sink an Irish Submarine? Knock on the hatch.

The dictionary is the only place where success comes before work.

Experience is simply the name we give our mistakes.

I didn’t like my beard at first. Then it grew on me.

Sometimes I think the surest sign that intelligent life exists elsewhere in the universe is that none of it has tried to contact us.

Why is the third hand on the watch called a second hand?

They told me I had type A blood, but it was a Type O

Bachelors know more about women than married men; if they didn’t they’d be married too.

I’d give my right arm to be ambidextrous.

Living is not worth dying for.

Why were the Indians here first? They had reservations.

He who trains his tongue to quote the learned sages, will be known far and wide as a smart ass.

Don’t use a big word where a diminutive one will suffice.

In the beginning, God created earth and rested. Then God created man and rested. Then God created woman. Since then, neither God nor man has rested.

“I’ve noticed that everyone who is for abortion has already been born.” – Ronald Reagan

e=mc^2 where m = the number of cooks required to spoil the broth

If ever I get married again it would have to be under an anaesthetic.

Good judgement comes from experience. Experience comes from bad judgement.

Roses are red, Violets are blue. In Soviet Russia, Poems write you.

I love being married. It’s so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.

Venison for dinner again? Oh deer!

“This report, by its very length, defends itself against the risk of being read”. — Winston Churchill

How do you keep an Irishman busy? Write P.T.O on both sides of a piece of paper.

“The best thing about the future is that it comes only one day at a time.” – Abraham Lincoln

“I wish everyone was peaceful. Then I could take over the planet with a butter knife”—Dogbert

If the French were really intelligent, they’d speak English.

Anything’s possible... apart from skiing through a revolving door.

Show me a piano falling down a mineshaft and I’ll show you A-flat minor.

I dropped out of communism class because of lousy Marx.

There are 3 kinds of people: those who can count and those who can’t.

I’ve been trying for some time to develop a life style that doesn’t require my presence.

Cleverly Disguised As A Responsible Adult.

Succeed in spite of management. Aim Low; Reach Your Goals, Avoid Disappointment.

Alcohol: the cause of, and solution to, all of life’s problems.

I used to be apathetic, but now I don’t give a damn.

My mind not only wanders, sometimes it leaves completely.

Hope sees the invisible, feels the intangible and achieves the impossible.

Always do sober what you said you’d do drunk. That will teach you to keep your mouth shut.

Why is it that doctors call what they do “practice”?

They say you only use ten percent of your brain. What about the other ten?

Where there’s a will, I want to be in it.

We spend the first twelve months of our children’s lives teaching them to walk and talk and the next twelve telling them to sit down and shut up.

Cheerfulness is contagious, but don’t wait to catch it from others. Be a carrier.

The things that come to those that wait may be the things left by those who got there first.

To succeed in politics, it is often necessary to rise above your principles.

It is even harder for the average ape to believe that he has descended from man.

The trouble with life is there’s no background music.

INDECISION is the key to FLEXIBILITY.

This guy walks into a bar and the barman says “Ouch, that must have hurt”

A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat.

There is nothing so annoying as to have two people go right on talking when you’re interrupting.

Nick Overruled - Democratic Majority Decision

“Few things are harder to put up with than a good example.”—Mark Twain

Half our life is spent trying to find something to do with the time we have rushed through life trying to save.

Everybody has a photographic memory. Some don’t have film.

I took an IQ test and the results were negative.

Climbers aim for the summit because it is there. Bungi jumpers dive off the top because they aren’t all there.

People with narrow minds usually have broad tongues.

“There are two major products that come out of Berkeley: LSD and UNIX. We don’t believe this to be a coincidence.” — Jeremy S. Anderson

I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.

It’s hard to face the problem, when the problem is your face.

Laugh and the world laughs with you; snore and you sleep alone.

“A patriot must always be ready to defend his country against his government”. — Edward Abbey

Legend: a lie that has attained the dignity of age.

A penny saved is a Congressional spending oversight.

Quantum: Noun, word used to sound like I know what I’m talking about while discussing physics I’ve never actually studied.

“Managing senior programmers is like herding cats” — Dave Platt.

“Are you going to come quietly, or do I have to use earplugs?”—Vale Spike Milligan

On the other hand you have different fingers.

I hope that after I die, people will say of me: “That guy sure owed me a lot of money.”

In elementary school, in case of fire, you have to line up quietly in a single file line from smallest to tallest. What is the logic? Do tall people burn slower?

The earthquake in Washington obviously was the government’s fault.

Be thankful for problems. If they were less difficult, someone with less ability might have your job.

If it’s 0 degrees today and it’s going to be twice as cold tomorrow... how cold will it be?

I majored in liberal arts. Will that be for here or to go?

Killed - Personality Incompatibility

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If a man opens a car door for a woman, either the car is new or the woman.

I had some words with my wife, and she had some paragraphs with me.

I have a simple philosophy. Fill what’s empty. Empty what’s full. Scratch where it itches.

There’s a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot.

You can say any foolish thing to a dog, and the dog will give you a look that says, “My God, you’re right! I never would’ve thought of that!”

By the time a man realises that his father was right, he has a son who thinks he’s wrong.

If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?

When your IQ reaches 80 –– sell.

Caution – Driver Legally Blonde!

I have gone to look for myself, if I should return before I get back, keep me here.

Laughing stock: cattle with a sense of humour.

Allow me to introduce my selves.

A great many people think they are thinking when they are merely rearranging their prejudices.

Being a philosopher, I have a problem for every solution.

People who think they know everything are annoying to those of us who do.

“I worked in a pet shop and people kept asking how big I’d get” — Rodney Dangerfield

Anything not nailed down is a cat toy.

Some people are alive only because it’s illegal to kill them.

I Haven’t Lost My Mind, It’s Backed Up On Disk Somewhere.

If you choke a smurf, what colour does it turn?

When a clock is hungry, it goes back four seconds.

Bacteria: the only culture some people have.

“Banking establishments are more dangerous than standing armies”. — Thomas Jefferson

Two signs from a Majorcan shop entrance: English well speaking / Here speeching American.

I am a nobody, nobody is perfect, therefore I’m perfect.

Statistics are like bikinis – What they reveal is suggestive, but what they conceal is vital.

Maybe I’m lucky to be going so slowly, because I may be going in the wrong direction.

I got a job at a bakery because I kneaded dough.

Support bacteria – they’re the only culture some people have.

If you want a committed man, look in a mental hospital.

Time flies like an arrow – fruit flies like a banana.

Always remember you’re unique, just like everyone else.

A study in the Washington Post says that women have better verbal skills than men. I just want to say to the authors of that study: “Duh.”— Conan O’Brien

Life... I don’t get it...

Jack and Jill did it for the insurance.

It is not my interest to pay the principal, nor my principal to pay the interest.

Be kind to your dentist. He has fillings, too.

If a President doesn’t do it to his wife, he’ll do it to his country.

Isn’t having a smoking section in a restaurant like having a peeing section in a swimming pool?

“You have to be careful about being too careful” – Beryl Pfizer

If I have to work for an idiot, I might as well work for myself.

If At First You Don’t Succeed... Blame Someone Else And Seek Counseling.

Consciousness: that annoying time between naps.

Be nice to your kids. They’ll choose your nursing home.

I am not a vegetarian because I love animals; I am a vegetarian because I hate plants.

When angry count four, when very angry, swear.

Is Disney World the only people trap operated by a mouse?

On the plus side, death is one of the few things that can be done just as easily as lying down.

When you are arguing with an idiot, make sure the other person isn’t doing the same thing.

Plagiarism saves time.

I can please only one person per day. Today is not your day. Tomorrow isn’t looking good either.

“You can always count on Americans to do the right thing—after they’ve tried everything else” – Winston Churchill

Democracy is a government where you can say what you think even if you don’t think.

So Many Pedestrians – So Little Time.

“I have left orders to be awakened at any time in case of national emergency – even if I’m in a Cabinet meeting.” – Ronald Reagan

Someday we’ll look back on all this and plow into the back of a parked car.

Why do we wash bath towels, aren’t we clean when we use them?

What hair color do they put on the driver’s licenses of bald men?

Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don’t.

Eat a live toad first thing in the morning, and nothing worse can happen to you the rest of the day.

Before marriage, a man yearns for the woman he loves. After marriage, the ‘Y’ becomes silent.

What sane person could live in this world and not be crazy?

Being single is like a vacuum. It sucks when you are turned on.

Lots of people know a good thing the minute the other fellow sees it first.

I love cats – they taste just like chicken.

Why is it called tourist season if we can’t shoot at them?

My favorite mythical creature? The honest politician.

Save the whales. Collect the whole set.

A diplomatic husband said to his wife, how do you expect me to remember your birthday when you never look any older?

I arise in the morning torn between a desire to improve the world and a desire to enjoy the world. This makes it hard to plan the day.

A pessimist is a man who has been compelled to live with an optimist

Hemp is a herb. Bush is a dope.

He who smiles in a crisis has found someone to blame.

Well if this is the wrong number, why did you answer it?

The fellow who thinks he knows it all is especially annoying to those of us who do.

It is a fitting irony that under Richard Nixon, ‘launder’ became a dirty word.

If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?

Lord, if you won’t make me skinny, please make all my friends fat.

My life has a superb cast but I can’t figure out the plot.

How do you know if a fish is Irish? It has drowned.

A hangover is the wrath of grapes.

Marriage changes passion... suddenly you’re in bed with a relative.

If I’d known I was going to live this long, I’d have taken better care of myself.

“I have never let my schooling interfere with my education.”—Mark Twain

What do you call a dinosaur with an extensive vocabulary? A thesaurus.

Politicians are people who, when they see the light at the end of the tunnel, go out and buy more tunnel.

No sense being pessimistic, it probably wouldn’t work anyway.

IRS: We’ve got what it takes to take what you’ve got.

Help Wanted: Telepath. You know where to apply.

Life is far too important to be taken seriously.

My parents stayed together for forty years, but that was out of spite.

It’s not true that married men live longer than single men. It only seems longer.

Mines are equal opportunity weapons.

Connection Reset By Aboriginal With Wire Cutters

Sheep don’t fly so much as plummet.

I want to die peacefully in my sleep like my grandfather, not screaming in abject horror like his passengers.

I installed a skylight in my apartment. The people who live above me are furious.

Ninety-nine per cent of the people in the world are fools and the rest of us are in great danger of contagion.

Men’s faults are many, women have only two. Everything they say, and everything they do.

When you do not know what you are doing, do it neatly.

The trouble with our times is that the future is not what it used to be.

Instead of getting married again, I’m going to find a woman I don’t like and just give her a house.—Rod Stewart

Everyone hates me because I’m paranoid.

He often broke into song because he couldn’t find the key.

“I’d rather have a bottle in front of me, than a frontal lobotomy”. — Tom Waits

Does your train of thought have a caboose?

Jokes about German sausage are the wurst.

TEAMWORK... means never having to take all the blame yourself.

It has recently been discovered that research causes cancer in rats.

It is hard enough to remember my opinions, without also remembering my reasons for them!

If at first you do succeed, try to hide your astonishment.

To define recursion, we must first define recursion.

Honesty is the best policy, but insanity is a better defence.

Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?

“You, you and you: panic. The rest of you, come with me.”

I don’t suffer from stress. I’m a carrier.

Just because you’re not paranoid doesn’t mean they’re not out to get you.

“When you starve with a tiger, the tiger starves last”. — Griffin’s Thought

Proofread carefully to see if you any words out.

I don’t enjoy computer jokes; not one bit.

We must believe in free will, we have no choice.

We are going on a field trip to the Coca-Cola factory. I hope there are no pop quizzes.

I think animal testing is a terrible idea; they get all nervous and give the wrong answers.

“If builders built buildings the way programmers write programs, then the first woodpecker that came along would destroy civilization” — Weinberg’s Second Law.

I’m desperately trying to figure out why kamikaze pilots wore helmets.

Originality is the fine art of remembering what you hear, but forgetting where you heard it.

Energizer Bunny arrested: Charged with battery.

Englishmen never will be slaves: they are free to do whatever the Government and public opinion allow them to do.

Brain: an apparatus with which we think we think.

Men have a much better time of it than women; for one thing, they marry later; for another thing they die earlier.

Don’t be irreplaceable; if you cannot be replaced, you cannot be promoted.

Streakers beware: Your end is in sight.

Early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.

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We’ve made great medical progress in the last generation. What used to be merely an itch is now an allergy.

When all other means of communication fail, try words.

Remember the teakettle; though up to its neck in hot water, it continues to sing.

Some people are alive only because it’s illegal to kill them.

Vote for the man who promises least; he’ll be the least disappointing.

Seeing a murder on television...will help work off one’s antagonisms. And if you haven’t any antagonisms, the commercials will give you some.

An egotist has one point in his favour – he doesn’t go round talking about other people.

If life was fair, Elvis would be alive and all the impersonators would be dead.

AIBOHPHOBIA – the fear of palindromes.

Before you give a colleague a piece of your mind, be sure you can spare it.

Impotence: Nature’s Way Of Saying “No Hard Feelings”.

The amount of work to be done increases in proportion to the amount of work already completed. — VAIL’S SECOND AXIOM

When he first ran for office, he appealed to the voters: “I never stole anything in my life. All I ask is a chance.”

I changed my iPod’s name to Titanic. It’s syncing now.

“My wife made me join a bridge club. I jump off next Tuesday” — Rodney Dangerfield

Don’t marry for money. You can borrow it cheaper.

“Oh dear,” said God, “I hadn’t thought of that,” and promptly vanished in a puff of logic.

You have the right to your opinions. I just don’t want to hear them.

God must love stupid people, he made so many.

If we don’t succeed, we run the risk of failure.

Don’t talk unless you can improve the silence.

“Always in motion the future is. Seasick it makes me. That’s why so green I am”. – Yoda

Broken pencils are pointless.

The most powerful force in the universe is gossip.

Men don’t care what’s on TV. They only care what else is on TV.

A cartoonist was found dead in his home. Details are sketchy.

Restarting System - Mouse Moved

In a Norwegian cocktail lounge: Ladies are requested not to have children in the bar.

Always try to be modest and be proud of it!

Cab drivers are living proof that practice does not make perfect.

Outside of a dog, a book is probably man’s best friend, and inside of a dog, it’s too dark to read.

Just because your head is the biggest doesn’t mean it contains the right ideas.

There’s a fine line between genius and insanity. I have erased this line.

An egotist is a person of low taste—more interested in himself than in me.

Red Tape Holds Up New Bridge!

I fear my inferiority complex is not as good as yours.

Everyone needs belief in something. I believe I’ll have another beer.

Man who run behind car get exhausted.

I have kleptomania, but when it gets bad, I take something for it. ~ Robert Benchle

Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.

“#define QUESTION ((bb) || !(bb))” — Shakespeare

Genius is 1% inspiration, and 99% perspiration.

I love work; it fascinates me; I can sit and watch it for hours.

Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?

“Inconceivable!” “I do not think that word means what you think it means.”

“As a matter of fact” is an expression that precedes many an expression that isn’t.

I think that’s how Chicago got started. A bunch of people in New York said, “Gee, I’m enjoying the crime and the poverty, but it just isn’t cold enough. Let’s go west.”—Richard Jeni

If olive oil comes from olives, where does baby oil come from?

It’s just a job. Grass grows, birds fly, waves pound the sand. I just beat people up. – Muhammad Ali

This Would Be Really Funny If It Weren’t Happening To Me.

Foolproof systems don’t take into account the ingenuity of fools.

If you’re not confused, you’re not paying attention.

Shin: a device for finding furniture in the dark.

One of the greatest labour-saving inventions today is tomorrow.

My husband and I divorced over religious differences... He thought he was God and I didn’t.

Am I getting smart with you? How would you know?

Why don’t you ever see the headline “Psychic Wins Lottery”?

Anyone who told you to be yourself couldn’t have given you worse advice.

“Reading computer manuals without the hardware is as frustrating as reading sex manuals without the software.” — Arthur C. Clarke.

I took a speed reading course and read ‘War and Peace’ in twenty minutes. It involves Russia. Enough women for four.

“The web is a dominatrix. Every where I turn, I see little buttons ordering me to Submit.” — Nytwind.

What if there were no hypothetical questions?

It is wiser to find out than to suppose.—Mark Twain

If you try and don’t succeed, cheat. Repeat until caught. Then lie.

I don’t approve of political jokes... I’ve seen too many of them get elected.

Well, this day was a total waste of makeup.

Chaos, panic, & disorder – my work here is done.

Tip the world over on its side and everything loose will land in Los Angeles.

Marriage is a three-ring circus: engagement ring, wedding ring, and suffering.

Pardon my driving, I am reloading.

If the world should blow itself up, the last audible voice would be that of an expert saying it can’t be done.

This girl said she recognized me from the vegetarian club, but I’d never met herbivore

All my life, I always wanted to be somebody. Now I see that I should have been more specific.

I hate women because they always know where things are.

What happens if you get scared half to death twice?

A bargain is something you don’t need at a price you can’t resist.

On the keyboard of life, always keep one finger on the escape key.

I wondered why the baseball was getting bigger. Then it hit me.

Latest survey shows that 3 out of 4 people make up 75% of the world’s population.

I wonder how much deeper would the ocean be without sponges.

Years ago fairy tales began with “Once upon a time...” Now it’s “If I am elected...”

Confidence is the feeling you have before you understand the situation.

Stupidity is not a handicap! Park somewhere else!

Even crime wouldn’t pay if the government ran it.

It is not what a teenager knows that bothers his parents. It is how he found out.

I tried sniffing Coke once, but the ice cubes got stuck in my nose.

Age is an issue of mind over matter. If you don’t mind, it doesn’t matter.

Hard work never killed anybody but why take the chance?

The only difference between Genius and Insanity... is success.

Heck is where people go who don’t believe in gosh.

I envy people who drink – at least they know what to blame everything on.

I plead contemporary insanity.

Jokes about German sausage are the wurst.

If you can’t convince them, confuse them.

I stayed up all night to see where the sun went. Then it dawned on me.

The scientific theory I like best is that the rings of Saturn are composed entirely of lost airline luggage.

In a Copenhagen airline ticket office: We take your bags and send them in all directions.

Macho Law prohibits me from admitting I’m wrong.

Time is a great teacher, but unfortunately it kills all its pupils.

Half of being smart is knowing what you are dumb at.

Snowmen fall from Heaven unassembled.

Any ship can be a minesweeper... once.

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Age always corresponds inversely to the size of your multivitamin.

One should forgive one’s enemies, but not before they are hanged.

I get enough exercise just pushing my luck.

I majored in liberal arts. Will that be for here or to go?

I used to be a banker, but then I lost interest.

For people who like peace and quiet – a phoneless cord.

I always wanted to be a procrastinator, never got around to it though.

Authority makes some people grow – and others just swell.

I’d explain it to you, but your brain would explode.

A person who smiles in the face of adversity... probably has a scapegoat.

Stupidity is not a handicap. Park elsewhere!

Accept that some days you’re the pigeon, and some days you’re the statue.

To find out a girl’s faults, praise her to her girl friends.

The secret of success is sincerity. Once you can fake that you’ve got it made.

Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.

When in trouble, fear or doubt, run in circles, scream and shout.

I take everything I can for my kleptomania.

Don’t take life too seriously—you’ll never get out of it alive.

One good turn gets most of the blankets.

It is a small world, but I wouldn’t like to have to paint it.

Democracy is a process by which people are free to choose the man who will get the blame.

I generally avoid temptation unless I can’t resist it.

Prediction is extremely difficult. Especially about the future.

The most precious thing we have is life. Yet it has absolutely no trade-in value.

Man who run in front of car get tired.

Time sneaks up on you like a windshield on a bug.

If it weren’t for electricity we’d all be watching television by candlelight?

The more time you spend in reporting on what you are doing, the less time you have to do it in. Stability is achieved when you spend all your time doing nothing but reporting on the nothing you are doing.

The shortest distance between two points is under construction.

Fundamentalism: Believe in a kind, loving God or we’ll kill you!

“People who drink light beer don’t like the taste of beer; they just like to pee a lot” — Rodney Dangerfield

Programmer – A red-eyed, mumbling mammal capable of conversing with inanimate objects.

I used to think I was indecisive, but now I’m not sure.

It is said that if you line up all the cars in the world end to end, someone would be stupid enough to try and pass them.

Youth is a wonderful thing. What a crime to waste it on children.

Never underestimate the power of very stupid people in large groups.

Never go to a doctor whose office plants have died.

Make sure your mind isn’t so open that your brains fall out.

Shin: a device for finding furniture in the dark.

Seen it all, done it all, can’t remember most of it.

Tips for Vegetarians: Hit a chicken enough times and it turns into a vegetable.

Just remember... if the world didn’t suck, we’d all fall off.

My mind works like lightning. One brilliant flash and it is gone.

Mind like a steel trap – rusty and illegal in most states.

There are two types of people in this world, good and bad. The good sleep better, but the bad seem to enjoy the waking hours much more.

I have noticed that the people who are late are often so much jollier that the people who have to wait for them.

Blessed are those who can laugh at themselves, they will never cease to be amused.

I think, therefore I am single.

Some people are going to leave a mark on this world, while others will leave a stain.

If trees could scream, would we be so cavalier about cutting them down? We might, if they screamed all the time, for no good reason.

A baby sitter is a teenager acting like an adult while the adults are out acting like teenagers.

Money can’t buy happiness, but it sure makes misery easier to live with.

I am free of all prejudices. I hate everyone equally.

In the beginning, there was nothing. Then God said, “Let there be light,” and there was still nothing, but you could see it.

History will be kind to me for I intend to write it. – Winston Churchill

According to recent study someone is run over by a car every 5 minutes in the city. You’d think the guy would have enough sense to get out of the street.

Women like silent men. They think they’re listening.

A day without sun shine is like, you know, night.

“He has been given a large brain by mistake, since for him the spinal cord would fully suffice.” — Albert Einstein

Never buy a car you can’t push.

I married my wife for her looks... but not the ones she’s been giving me lately!

Bigamy is having one wife too many. Monogamy is the same. – Oscar Wilde

Everybody is ignorant, only on different subjects.

Friends may come and go, but enemies accumulate

The surprising thing about young fools is how many survive to become old fools.

If at first you don’t succeed, try management.

I’m reading a book about anti-gravity. I can’t put it down.

People don’t grow up; they just learn how to act in public.

Smoking cures weight problems...eventually...

Get even – live long enough to be a problem to your kids.

A bird in the hand is safer than one overhead.

Brilliant, but with the social skills of a thermonuclear device.

If someone with multiple personalities threatens suicide... is it considered a hostage situation?

There are very few personal problems that cannot be solved through a suitable application of high explosives.

Ours is a world where people don’t know what they want and are willing to go through hell to get it.

Connection Reset - Insufficient Electrons

When I’m not in my right mind, my left mind gets pretty crowded

I married Miss Right. I just didn’t know her first name was Always.

What does a clock do when it’s hungry? It goes back four seconds.

The truth is a precious commodity. That’s why I use it so sparingly.

If the human brain were so simple that we could understand it, we would be so simple we couldn’t.

In a Tokyo shop: Our nylons cost more than common, but you’ll find they are best in the long run.

You’re not drunk if you can lie on the floor without holding on.

I like kids, but I don’t think I could eat a whole one.

Comedy is tragedy plus time.

If you don’t pay your exorcist you get repossessed.

My girlfriend told me I should be more affectionate. So I got two more girlfriends.

Promises are like babies: fun to make, but hell to deliver.

Why is the man that invests your money called a broker?

How do you get an Irishman to burn his ear? Ring him up while he is ironing.

Last night I lay in bed looking up at the stars in the sky and I thought to myself, “Where the heck is the ceiling?”

Two strings walk into a bar. The first string says to the bartender, “Bartender, I’ll have a beer. u.5n$x5t?*&4ru!2[sACCErJ”. The second string says, “Pardon my friend, he isn’t NULL terminated”.

Everything is possible; just not too probable.

I don’t have a solution but I admire the problem.

All those who believe in psycho kinesis raise my hand.

Technology is a way of organizing the universe so that man doesn’t have to experience it.

“Auntie Em: hate you, hate Kansas, taking the dog.” – Dorothy

Don’t Be Sexist – Broads Hate That.

Be careful when reading health books; you may die of a misprint.

Humour. It is a difficult concept. It is not logical.

If you want your spouse to listen and pay strict attention to every word you say, talk in your sleep.

If I were someone who knew something, who could I tell that would believe me?

A drop of ink may make a million think.

Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7th of your life.

Next time you wave, use all your fingers.

Laugh at your problems; everybody else does.

One day I will get this peer guy and reset his connection.

My husband says I never listen to him (at least I think that’s what he said)

“War does not determine who is right - only who is left.” – Bertrand Russell

Don’t stop to stomp on ants when the elephants are stampeding.

My schoolmates would make love to anything that moved, but I never saw any reason to limit myself.

You look like a million dollars. All green and wrinkled.

If sex is such a natural phenomenon, how come there are so many books on how to do it.

You have to stay in shape. My grandmother, she started walking five miles a day when she was 60. She’s 97 today and we don’t know where the hell she is.

“I’ve been on a calendar but I have never been on time” – Marilyn Monroe

How do you spot an Irishman at a carwash? He’s the one on the bike.

Make three correct guesses consecutively and you will establish yourself as an expert.

Man who eat many prunes get good run for money.

Some pain is physical, and some is mental, but one that’s both is dental.

“Every mighty oak was once just a nut who stood his ground.”

Love is like an hourglass, with the heart filling up as the brain empties.

Life is complex: it has real and imaginary parts.

Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy.

The difference between a stepping-stone and a stumbling block can be when you see it.

“The generation of random numbers is too important to be left to chance.” — Robert R. Coveyou, Oak Ridge National Laboratory.

If quizzes are quizzical, what are tests?

Well, if I called the wrong number, why did you answer the phone?

Work: It isn’t just for sleeping anymore.

Does this smell like chloroform to you?

What do you call a dinosaur with an extensive vocabulary? A thesaurus.

What Has Four Legs And An Arm? A Happy Pit Bull.

What’s the definition of a will? (It’s a dead giveaway).

Modesty is a virtue of fools.

If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?

Why does Sea World have a seafood restaurant? I’m halfway through my fish burger and I realize, Oh my gosh... I could be eating a slow learner.

If we learn by our mistakes, some of us are getting one hell of an education!

If you’re born again, do you have two bellybuttons?

“Thinking is the hardest work there is, which is probably why so few engage in it”. — Henry Ford

Every morning is the dawn of a new error.

Applying computer technology is simply finding the right wrench to pound in the correct screw.

It’s not that I’m afraid to die; I just don’t want to be there when it happens.

I don’t like people who take drugs... Customs Officers for example.

A soldier who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran.

Time is God’s way of keeping everything from happening at once.

The best computer is a man, and it’s the only one that can be mass-produced by unskilled labour.

You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say will be misquoted then used against you.

Eagles may soar, but weasels don’t get sucked into jet engines.

Better to remain silent and be thought a fool, than to speak and remove all doubt.

A conclusion is simply the place where you got tired of thinking.

If I were two-faced, would I be wearing this one?

A bachelor is a man who comes to work from a different direction each morning.

Money is flat and meant to be piled up. – Scottish Proverb

The sooner you fall behind the more time you’ll have to catch up.

Hypochondria is the only disease I haven’t got.

Anyone can admit they were wrong; the true test is admitting it to someone else.

If you do not make dust, you eat dust.

“Heavier-than-air flying machines are impossible.” — Lord Kelvin, president, Royal Society, 1895.

There are two kinds of people, those who finish what they start, and so on.

I started out with nothing, and I still have most of it.

It’s bad luck to be superstitious.

I stayed up all night to see where the sun went. Then it dawned on me.

Everything you like is bad for you in some way.

From the moment I picked your book up until I laid it down I was convulsed with laughter. Some day I intend reading it.

Mental Floss prevents Moral Decay.

Never put both feet in your mouth at the same time, because then you don’t have a leg to stand on.

My reality check just bounced.

The early bird gets the worm, but the early worm gets eaten.

Of course, we are all worms—but I like to think, at least, that I am a glow-worm. – Winston Churchill

You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.

Those who can laugh without cause have either found the true meaning of happiness or have gone stark raving mad.

Everybody is ignorant, only on different subjects.

I can resist everything except temptation.

A backwards poet writes inverse.

I guess traffic in the city is improving a little. Yesterday, I drove clear across town and only had to shave twice.

There are two kinds of people, those who finish what they start, and so on.

Where do you find an Irish woodworm? Dead inside a brick.

The beatings will continue until morale improves.

How can you come out of a closet if you never went in there in the first place?

Insanity is hereditary; you can get it from your children.

“I believe in equality for everyone, except reporters and photographers”. — Gandhi

Wine divulges truth.

Not all men are annoying. Some are dead.

Without question, the greatest invention in the history of mankind is beer. Oh, I grant you that the wheel was also a fine invention, but the wheel does not go nearly as well with pizza.

The illegal we do immediately. The unconstitutional takes a little longer. – Henry Kissinger

We waste time, so you don’t have to.

Constipated People Don’t Give A Crap.

I’m not afraid of heights, only widths.

If at first you don’t succeed, skydiving is not your sport.

If you can stay calm, while all around you is chaos... then you probably haven’t completely understood the situation.

Is there life before death?

Gossip: The art of saying nothing while leaving nothing unsaid.

“Things are more like they are now than they ever were before.” – Former U.S. President Dwight D. Eisenhower

Chipped dishes never break.

It’s strange, isn’t it. You stand in the middle of a library and go aaaaagghhhh’ and everyone just stares at you. But you do the same thing on an aeroplane, and everyone joins in.

All men are equal. Some are just more equal than others.

I Refuse To Have A Battle Of Wits With An Unarmed Person.

The only perfect science is hindsight.

111,111,111 x 111,111,111 = 12,345,678,987,654,321

Everybody is somebody else’s weirdo.

“Blink your eyelids periodically to lubricate your eyes.” — Page 16 of the HP “Environmental, Health Safety Handbook for Employees”.

The sooner you fall behind the more time you’ll have to catch up.

As a final incentive before giving up a difficult task, try to imagine it successfully accomplished by someone you violently dislike.

We Quit Voting Will They All Go Away?

My one regret in life is that I am not someone else.

I am amazed at radio DJ’s today. I am firmly convinced that AM on my radio stands for Absolute Moron. I will not begin to tell you what FM stands for.

Men occasionally stumble over the truth, but most of them pick themselves up and hurry off as if nothing had happened. – Winston Churchill

Remember, half the people you know are below average.

You’ll never get to heaven if you’re scared of getting high.

If people concentrated on the really important things in life, there’d be a shortage of fishing poles.

I used to find him boring until I stopped listening.

Murphy’s Golden Rule: Whoever has the gold makes the rules.

I work hard because millions on welfare depend on me.

Sex on television can’t hurt you unless you fall off.

“Reader, suppose you were an idiot. And suppose you were a member of Congress. But I repeat myself”. — Mark Twain

An Irish man was driving to the airport when he saw a sign saying ‘Airport – Left’... So he went home.

“There is no reason anyone would want a computer in their home.” — Ken Olson, founder of Digital Equipment Corp., 1977.

People can be divided into three groups: Those who make things happen, those who watch things happen, and those who wonder what happened.

When you come to a fork in the road, take it.

Perhaps you’re diagonally parked in a parallel universe?

“How come we choose from just two people to run for president and 50 for Miss America?”

Man shoots neighbour with machete [The Miami Herald, July 3]

Experience is something you do not get until just after you need it.

If we aren’t supposed to eat animals, why are they made of meat?

Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

Pick your friends but not to pieces.

Compromise: the art of dividing a cake so that everybody believes he or she got the biggest piece.

“Einstein argued that there must be simplified explanations of nature, because God is not capricious or arbitrary. No such faith comforts the software engineer.” — Fred Brooks.

If you don’t know why I’m mad at you, then I’m certainly not going to tell you

Haunted French pancakes give me the crêpes.

I have great faith in fools; my friends call it self-confidence.

I always wanted to be somebody, but I should have been more specific.

I have spent my whole life looking for the perfect woman, and now I’ve found her. Too bad she’s looking for the perfect man.

I’m sorry; you cannot have an outlook on life because it isn’t responding. Microsoft apologises for any inconvenience.

Confidence is the feeling you have before you understand the situation

If a woman has to choose between catching a fly ball and saving an infant’s life, she will choose to save the infant’s life without even considering if there is a man on base.—Dave Barry

If it’s true that we are here to help others, then what exactly are the others here for?

As long as there are tests, there will be prayer in public schools.

No problem is so big and complicated that it can’t be ran away from.

If money talks, it ain’t on speakin’ terms with me.

Computers make it easy to do a lot of things, but most of the things that make it easier to do don’t need to be done.

Sheep don’t fly so much as plummet.

Any task worth doing was worth doing yesterday.

I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.

I’m an idealist: I don’t know where I’m going, but I’m on my way.

“Life is a waste of time, time is a waste of life, so get wasted all of the time and have the time of your life”. — Tom Waits

How Many Roads Must A Man Travel Down Before He Admits He Is Lost?

Early to rise, early to bed, makes a man healthy but socially dead.

If all you have is a hammer, everything looks like a nail.

I am obviously right, and as you disagree with me, then logically you must be wrong.

Progress was all right. Only it went on too long.

I don’t believe in astrology. I am a Sagittarius and we’re very skeptical. ~ Arthur C. Clarke

“If carrots are so good for the eyes, how come I see so many dead rabbits on the highway?”

Slow is when someone laps you in the hundred-yard dash

You’re such an inspiration for the way I’ll never choose to be.

Lead us not into temptation. Just tell us where it is; we’ll find it.

Only a fool is astonished by the foolishness of humankind.

How did Moses make his tea? Hebrews it.

It’s not hard to meet expenses, they’re everywhere.

If a job is worth doing well get someone else to do it.

If you don’t know where you are going, you might wind up someplace else.

“Hey, I’ve got reasons for what I’m doing,” REALLY MEANS, “I sure hope I think of some pretty soon.”

“I could tell that my parents hated me. My bath toys were a toaster and a radio” — Rodney Dangerfield

I’m in no shape to exercise.

Remember half the people you know are below average.

One martini is all right, two is too many, and three is not enough.

If you don’t learn to laugh at troubles, you won’t have anything to laugh at when you grow old.

In the office of a Roman doctor: Specialist in women and other diseases.

Birthdays are good for you. Statistics show that the people who have the most live the longest.

The art of flying is to throw yourself at the ground and miss.

This mind intentionally left blank

He’s so lazy. I’ve seen him step into a revolving door and wait.

“I think there is a world market for maybe five computers.” — Thomas Watson, chairman of IBM, 1943.

Nobody can be exactly like me. Even I have trouble doing it.

“A girl phoned me the other day and said... Come on over, there’s nobody home. I went over. Nobody was home” — Rodney Dangerfield

Tell me what you need, and I’ll tell you how to get along without it.

When I was young, I could remember anything. Whether it happened or not.

The light at the end of the tunnel has been turned off due to budget cuts.

If you can’t convince them, confuse them.

Every time I look at you I get a fierce desire to be lonesome.

I live in my own little world, but it’s ok they know me here.

At the age of six I wanted to be a cook. At seven I wanted to be Napoleon. And my ambition has been growing steadily ever since.

Remember... Marriage is the number one cause of divorce. Statistically, 100% of all divorces started with marriage.

That which cannot be taken apart will fall apart.

To B or not to B? *kills the B* I HATE BEES!!!! – LynxofCP

Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.

Illiterate? Write For Help.

When life hands you a lemon, make lemonade.

Partying... oops No Only Parting... sorry

A clean tie attracts the soup of the day.

Raising teenagers is like trying to nail Jell-O to a tree.

I don’t want to achieve immortality through my work. I want to achieve immortality through not dying.

Half of the people in the world are below average.

“When in doubt tell the truth.”—Mark Twain

Marathon runners with bad footwear suffer the agony of defeat.

Youth would be an ideal state if it came a little later in life.

I’m quite easy to get along with, once you learn to beckon at my every call and yield to all my desires.

When I was a boy I was told that anybody could become president; I’m beginning to believe it.

Money is better than poverty, if only for financial reasons.

The only reason some people get lost in thought is because it’s unfamiliar territory.

Needing someone is like needing a parachute. If he isn’t there the first time you need him, chances are you won’t be needing him again.

Success always occurs in private, and failure in full public view.

I tried to photograph the fog, but I mist.

Did you hear about the cross-eyed teacher who lost her job because she couldn’t control her pupils?

We have two ends. One for sitting and one for thinking. Our success depends on which one we use most.

There are three ways to get something done: do it yourself, hire someone, or forbid your kids to do it.

Cluster bombing from B-52s is very, very accurate – the bombs always hit the ground.

Love is blind, but marriage is a real eye-opener.

Once, during prohibition, I was forced to live for days on nothing but food and water.

The day I can’t do my job drunk is the day I turn in my badge and gun.

I have the body of a GOD – Buddha.

I spent most of my money on booze, drugs and women... The rest I wasted!

PMS jokes aren’t funny. Period.

Anywhere is walking distance, if you’ve got the time.

As the light changed from red to green to yellow and back to red again, I sat there thinking about life. Was it nothing more than a bunch of honking and yelling? Sometimes it seemed that way.

Outside a Hong Kong tailor shop: Ladies may have a fit upstairs.

“I would like to live in Manchester, England. The transition between Manchester and death would be unnoticeable”. — Mark Twain

An army of deer led by a lion is more to be feared than an army of lions led by a deer.

I did a theatrical performance about puns. It was a play on words.

Warning: Dates in Calendar are closer than they appear.

I heard a man say that brigands demand your money or your life, whereas women require both.

If you can’t dazzle them with brilliance... just baffle them with bullsh*t.

Advertisement for donkey rides in Thailand: Would you like to ride on your own ass?

Doctor, Doctor You’ve got to help me – I just can’t stop my hands shaking. Do you drink a lot? Not really – I spill most of it!

Age is a very high price to pay for maturity.

I was the next door kid’s imaginary friend.

I was at a bar nursing a beer. My nipple was getting quite soggy.

Work expands to fill the time available. — PARKINSON’S LAW

I had amnesia once or twice.

I used to be a Kleptomaniac, But now I’m taking something for it

A poor excuse is like an old bucket; doesn’t matter what shape it is in, as long as it holds water.

I thought I wanted a career, turns out I just wanted paychecks.

The human brain is a wonderful thing. It starts working the moment you are born, and never stops until you stand up to speak in public.

The trouble with the rat race is that even if you win, you’re still a rat.

When in doubt, mumble.

“C++ : Where friends have access to your private members.” — Gavin Russell Baker.

They say if you play a Microsoft CD backwards you hear satanic messages. That’s nothing, if you play it forwards it installs Windows.

At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be “What is hell?” Come early and listen to our choir practice.

Why is it that to stop Windows, you have to click on “Start”?

To err is human – and to blame it on a computer is even more so.

If at first you don’t succeed, try, try again. Then quit. There’s no use being a damned fool about it.

On a tombstone: I TOLD YOU I WAS SICK

Everybody lies, but it doesn’t matter since nobody listens.

A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a train stops. On my desk I have a workstation...

The number of people watching you is directly proportional to the stupidity of your action.

I have had more trouble with myself than with any other man I’ve met.

Whenever there is any doubt, there is no doubt.

Military intelligence is a contradiction in terms.

Procrastinate Now!

I love deadlines. I especially like the whooshing sound they make as they go flying by.

The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.

Madness takes its toll. Please have exact change.

I don’t have an attitude problem. You have a perception problem.

The world is full of willing people; some willing to work, the rest willing to let them.

It is hard to understand how a cemetery raised its burial charges and blamed it on the cost of living.

Arguing on the Internet is like competing in the Special Olympics – even if you win, you are still retarded.

“Everyday I beat my own previous record for number of consecutive days I’ve stayed alive.”

It doesn’t matter what temperature the room is; it’s always room temperature.

I’m out of my mind, but feel free to leave a message.

There’s a difference between being open-minded and having a hole in your head

Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way when you criticize them, you are a mile away from them and you have their shoes.

I either want less corruption, or more chance to participate in it.

Man who drive like hell bound to get there.

A printer consists of three main parts: the case, the jammed paper tray and the blinking red light

I intend to live forever – so far, so good.

One good thing about repeating your mistakes is that you know when to cringe.

Someone sent me a postcard picture of the earth. On the back it said, “Wish you were here.”

Some people say that I must be a horrible person, but that’s not true. I have the heart of a young boy – in a jar on my desk.

Don’t use a big word where a diminutive one will suffice.

I haven’t spoken to my wife for 18 months: I don’t like to interrupt her.

Smith & Wesson — the original point and click interface.

If puns were outlawed, only outlaws would have puns.

“You start coding. I’ll go find out what they want.” — Computer analyst to programmer

If you’re not wasted, the day is.

The chance of a piece of bread falling with the buttered side down is directly proportional to the cost of the carpet.

If you can’t beat your computer at chess, try kickboxing.

Time’s fun when you’re having flies... Kermit the Frog

A bird does not sing because it has an answer—it sings because it has a song.

In a Budapest zoo: Please do not feed the animals. If you have any suitable food, give it to the guard on duty.

“Always be sincere, even when you don’t mean it”. — Irene Peter

Men are from earth. Women are from earth. Deal with it.

England has no kidney bank, but it does have a Liverpool.

I used up all my sick days, so I’m calling in dead.

There are only three kinds of people; people who can count and people who can’t.

Get a new car for your spouse – it’ll be a great trade!

A committee is a body that keeps minutes and wastes hours.

Anything not nailed down is mine. Anything I can pry loose is not nailed down.

I know a guy who is addicted to brake fluid. He says he can stop anytime.

I like children. Properly cooked.

He’s not dead, he’s electroencephalographically challenged.

Where you stand depends on where you sit.

Even paranoids have real enemies.

Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

Nothing means nothing, but it isn’t really nothing because nothing is something that isn’t.

Under capitalism, man exploits man. Under Communism, it’s just the opposite.

“I am not worried about the deficit. It is big enough to take care of itself.” – Ronald Reagan

Santa’s helpers are subordinate clauses.

“How can a president not be an actor?” – when asked “How could an actor become president?” – Ronald Reagan

I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol.

Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?

Five out of four people have trouble with fractions.

Quantum mechanics: The dreams stuff is made of.

Horn broken. Watch for finger. (on bumper sticker)

Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian any more than going to the garage makes you a car.

“Your mouse has moved. Windows must be restarted for the change to take effect. Reboot now ? [OK]”

I laugh in the face of danger, except if I’m involved.

If you think nobody cares if you’re alive, try missing a couple of car payments.

Acupuncture is a jab well done.

It is well to remember the entire population of the universe, with one trifling exception, is composed of others.

It’s easy to quit smoking... I’ve done it over 10,000 times.

If at first you don’t succeed, destroy all the evidence that you tried.

A dyslexic man walks into a bra.

For Sale: Parachute. Only used once, never opened, small stain.

I used to think I was indecisive, but now I’m not sure.

If con is the opposite of pro, congress is the opposite of progress.

Ever stop to think and forget to start again?

The short fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.

Velcro — what a rip off!

There is no such thing as an underestimate of average intelligence

Take my advice, I don’t use it anyway.

He who laughs last thinks slowest.

Who is General Failure and why is he reading my hard disk?

Errors have been made. Others will be blamed.

Cheer up, the worst is yet to come.

The doctor can bury his mistakes but an architect can only advise his client to plant vines.

All the toilets in New York’s police stations have been stolen. The police have nothing to go on.

I’d like to see things your way, but I’m looking in another direction.

If you don’t know where you are going, you will wind up somewhere else.

Doctor, Doctor I keep getting pains in the eye when I drink coffee. Have you tried taking the spoon out?

A guy got arrested for playing the guitar. He was fingering a minor.

An Apple a day keeps the doctor away. But... an onion a day keeps everyone away.

After all is said and done, more is said than done.

Honk if you love peace and quiet.

You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They left a little note on the windscreen, it said ‘Parking Fine.’

I don’t meet competition. I crush it

Artificial Intelligence is no match for Natural Stupidity.

“They say hard work never hurt anybody, but I figure why take the chance.” – Ronald Reagan

A team effort is a lot of people doing what I say

Go the extra mile. It makes your boss look like an incompetent slacker.

I don’t suffer from stress. I’m a carrier.

Never put off until tomorrow what you can avoid altogether.

Conscience is the inner voice warning us that someone may be looking.

If everything is coming your way, you are probably in the wrong lane.

If it weren’t for the last minute, nothing would ever get done.

Most vegetarians look so much like the food they eat that they can be classified as cannibals.

There are 10 types of people in the world: Those who understand binary, and those who don’t.

It used to be only death and taxes were inevitable. Now, of course, there’s shipping and handling, too.

Whenever people agree with me, I always feel I must be wrong.

Eschew obfuscation.

Man does not live by words alone, despite the fact that sometimes he has to eat them.

Abel Tasman on discovering Tasmania, “Too far south for spices and too close to the rim of the earth to be inhabited by anything but freaks and monsters”

Booze is the answer. I don’t remember the question.

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