Amusing Quotes & One-Liners

You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say will be misquoted then used against you.

Moderation in all things, including moderation.

Never go to a doctor whose office plants have died.

You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.

I spent most of my money on booze, drugs and women... The rest I wasted!

Needing someone is like needing a parachute. If he isn’t there the first time you need him, chances are you won’t be needing him again.

If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?

Don’t marry for money. You can borrow it cheaper.

A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat.

Honest criticism is hard to take, particularly from a relative, a friend, an acquaintance, or a stranger.

A day without sun shine is like, you know, night.

There are very few personal problems that cannot be solved through a suitable application of high explosives.

If we aren’t supposed to eat animals, why are they made of meat?

I like to start my periods with sentences.

Don’t use a big word where a diminutive one will suffice.

Love is like an hourglass, with the heart filling up as the brain empties.

I’d like to see things your way, but I’m looking in another direction.

Save the whales. Collect the whole set.

A great many people think they are thinking when they are merely rearranging their prejudices.

People with narrow minds usually have broad tongues.

Quantum: Noun, word used to sound like I know what I’m talking about while discussing physics I’ve never actually studied.

A hangover is the wrath of grapes.

Confidence is the feeling you have before you understand the situation.

This mind intentionally left blank

AIBOHPHOBIA – the fear of palindromes.

I’m not afraid of heights, only widths.

“I think there is a world market for maybe five computers.” — Thomas Watson, chairman of IBM, 1943.

Confidence is the feeling you have before you understand the situation

“If builders built buildings the way programmers write programs, then the first woodpecker that came along would destroy civilization” — Weinberg’s Second Law.

How do you know if a fish is Irish? It has drowned.

Remember... Marriage is the number one cause of divorce. Statistically, 100% of all divorces started with marriage.

A guy got arrested for playing the guitar. He was fingering a minor.

The amount of work to be done increases in proportion to the amount of work already completed. — VAIL’S SECOND AXIOM

Don’t stop to stomp on ants when the elephants are stampeding.

He’s so lazy. I’ve seen him step into a revolving door and wait.

Well, this day was a total waste of makeup.

“Inconceivable!” “I do not think that word means what you think it means.”

Accept that some days you’re the pigeon, and some days you’re the statue.

To find out a girl’s faults, praise her to her girl friends.

Love is blind, but marriage is a real eye-opener.

A conscience does not prevent sin. It only prevents you from enjoying it.

Eagles may soar, but weasels don’t get sucked into jet engines.

In a Rome laundry: Ladies, leave your clothes here and spend the afternoon having a good time.

Before marriage, a man yearns for the woman he loves. After marriage, the ‘Y’ becomes silent.

Man who eat many prunes get good run for money.

Be kind to your dentist. He has fillings, too.

I wondered why the baseball was getting bigger. Then it hit me.

The things that come to those that wait may be the things left by those who got there first.

Work expands to fill the time available. — PARKINSON’S LAW

What hair color do they put on the driver’s licenses of bald men?

Climbers aim for the summit because it is there. Bungi jumpers dive off the top because they aren’t all there.

How Many Roads Must A Man Travel Down Before He Admits He Is Lost?

The trouble with our times is that the future is not what it used to be.

On the other hand you have different fingers.

Murphy’s Golden Rule: Whoever has the gold makes the rules.

“They say hard work never hurt anybody, but I figure why take the chance.” – Ronald Reagan

Why is the third hand on the watch called a second hand?

I have kleptomania, but when it gets bad, I take something for it. ~ Robert Benchle

My favorite mythical creature? The honest politician.

“There are only two things that are infinite: the universe and human stupidity. And I’m not sure about the universe.” A. Einstein

A person who smiles in the face of adversity... probably has a scapegoat.

Ninety-nine per cent of the people in the world are fools and the rest of us are in great danger of contagion.

Man does not live by words alone, despite the fact that sometimes he has to eat them.

Age is a question of mind over matter. If you don’t mind, it don’t matter.

After all is said and done, more is said than done.

I don’t approve of political jokes... I’ve seen too many of them get elected.

Some people are going to leave a mark on this world, while others will leave a stain.

If it weren’t for electricity we’d all be watching television by candlelight?

You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They left a little note on the windscreen, it said ‘Parking Fine.’

“Auntie Em: hate you, hate Kansas, taking the dog.” – Dorothy

Doctor, Doctor I keep getting pains in the eye when I drink coffee. Have you tried taking the spoon out?

If we don’t succeed, we run the risk of failure.

There’s a fine line between genius and insanity. I have erased this line.

There are 3 kinds of people: those who can count and those who can’t.

Remember, half the people you know are below average.

To err is human – and to blame it on a computer is even more so.

I heard a man say that brigands demand your money or your life, whereas women require both.

Compromise: the art of dividing a cake so that everybody believes he or she got the biggest piece.

I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.

There are two types of people in this world, good and bad. The good sleep better, but the bad seem to enjoy the waking hours much more.

I married my wife for her looks... but not the ones she’s been giving me lately!

If quizzes are quizzical, what are tests?

By the time a man realises that his father was right, he has a son who thinks he’s wrong.

Chipped dishes never break.

Plato is dead, Einstein is dead, and I’m not feeling too good myself...

Lead us not into temptation. Just tell us where it is; we’ll find it.

Everyone hates me because I’m paranoid.

In a Copenhagen airline ticket office: We take your bags and send them in all directions.

Be careful when reading health books; you may die of a misprint.

Military intelligence is a contradiction in terms.

Half our life is spent trying to find something to do with the time we have rushed through life trying to save.

“I’ve been on a calendar but I have never been on time” – Marilyn Monroe

“Your mouse has moved. Windows must be restarted for the change to take effect. Reboot now ? [OK]”

If it’s 0 degrees today and it’s going to be twice as cold tomorrow... how cold will it be?

I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.

Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.

Make sure your mind isn’t so open that your brains fall out.

Experience is simply the name we give our mistakes.

I envy people who drink – at least they know what to blame everything on.

“Banking establishments are more dangerous than standing armies”. — Thomas Jefferson

If people concentrated on the really important things in life, there’d be a shortage of fishing poles.

It’s important to be open-minded, but not SO open-minded that your brains fall out.

If you think nobody cares if you’re alive, try missing a couple of car payments.

Birthdays are good for you. Statistics show that the people who have the most live the longest.

It’s easy to quit smoking... I’ve done it over 10,000 times.

Anything’s possible... apart from skiing through a revolving door.

Seeing a murder on television...will help work off one’s antagonisms. And if you haven’t any antagonisms, the commercials will give you some.

There are two kinds of people, those who finish what they start, and so on.

Men’s faults are many, women have only two. Everything they say, and everything they do.

Someone sent me a postcard picture of the earth. On the back it said, “Wish you were here.”

My mind not only wanders, sometimes it leaves completely.

England has no kidney bank, but it does have a Liverpool.

Anger is only one letter away from danger.

If you can stay calm, while all around you is chaos... then you probably haven’t completely understood the situation.

I have had more trouble with myself than with any other man I’ve met.

“If women didn’t exist, all the money in the world would have no meaning.” – Aristotle Onassis

In a Norwegian cocktail lounge: Ladies are requested not to have children in the bar.

“I have never let my schooling interfere with my education.”—Mark Twain

My parents stayed together for forty years, but that was out of spite.

You have to stay in shape. My grandmother, she started walking five miles a day when she was 60. She’s 97 today and we don’t know where the hell she is.

Having more money doesn’t make you happier. I have 50 million dollars but I’m just as happy as when I had 48 million. ~ Arnold Schwarzenegger.

A team effort is a lot of people doing what I say

I’m out of my mind, but feel free to leave a message.

Connection Reset - Insufficient Electrons

Allow me to introduce my selves.

I’m in no shape to exercise.

A procrastinator’s work is never done.

I have great faith in fools; my friends call it self-confidence.

I thought I made a mistake once, but I was wrong.

Life... I don’t get it...

Even paranoids have real enemies.

I was the next door kid’s imaginary friend.

I’m not dumb; I just have a command of thoroughly useless information.

If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?

I got a job at a bakery because I kneaded dough.

Everybody has a photographic memory. Some don’t have film.

Never buy a car you can’t push.

Fundamentalism: Believe in a kind, loving God or we’ll kill you!

If I were someone who knew something, who could I tell that would believe me?

Is there life before death?

The only perfect science is hindsight.

The only difference between Genius and Insanity... is success.

I love being married. It’s so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.

Laughing stock: cattle with a sense of humour.

He who smiles in a crisis has found someone to blame.

Mines are equal opportunity weapons.

Just because your head is the biggest doesn’t mean it contains the right ideas.

I stayed up all night to see where the sun went. Then it dawned on me.

Ever stop to think and forget to start again?

Money can’t buy happiness, but it sure makes misery easier to live with.

“A patriot must always be ready to defend his country against his government”. — Edward Abbey

I am not a vegetarian because I love animals; I am a vegetarian because I hate plants.

Two signs from a Majorcan shop entrance: English well speaking / Here speeching American.

I used to be a Kleptomaniac, But now I’m taking something for it

I like children. Properly cooked.

We’ve made great medical progress in the last generation. What used to be merely an itch is now an allergy.

You can always spot a well-informed man – his views are the same as yours.

Age is a very high price to pay for maturity.

Why does Sea World have a seafood restaurant? I’m halfway through my fish burger and I realize, Oh my gosh... I could be eating a slow learner.

Some people say that I must be a horrible person, but that’s not true. I have the heart of a young boy – in a jar on my desk.

Not all men are annoying. Some are dead.

I don’t have a solution but I admire the problem.

If you can’t dazzle them with brilliance... just baffle them with bullsh*t.

Roses are red, Violets are blue. In Soviet Russia, Poems write you.

A printer consists of three main parts: the case, the jammed paper tray and the blinking red light

The trouble with jogging is that, by the time you realise you’re not in shape for it, it’s far too far to walk back.

I don’t want to achieve immortality through my work. I want to achieve immortality through not dying.

Optimists believe we live on the greatest world. Pessimists believe this is true.

Shin: a device for finding furniture in the dark.

If I’d known I was going to live this long, I’d have taken better care of myself.

I’m sorry; you cannot have an outlook on life because it isn’t responding. Microsoft apologises for any inconvenience.

When you are arguing with an idiot, make sure the other person isn’t doing the same thing.

I’m reading a book about anti-gravity. I can’t put it down.

Never put both feet in your mouth at the same time, because then you don’t have a leg to stand on.

The early bird gets the worm, but the early worm gets eaten.

Honk if you love peace and quiet.

An Irish man was driving to the airport when he saw a sign saying ‘Airport – Left’... So he went home.

Anywhere is walking distance, if you’ve got the time.

Man who drive like hell bound to get there.

That which cannot be taken apart will fall apart.

If you want your spouse to listen and pay strict attention to every word you say, talk in your sleep.

If you don’t know why I’m mad at you, then I’m certainly not going to tell you

What’s another word for Thesaurus?

If trees could scream, would we be so cavalier about cutting them down? We might, if they screamed all the time, for no good reason.

Oh, don’t fuss. I just cut myself. It’s no big deal,” REALLY MEANS, “I have actually severed a limb, but will bleed to death before I admit I’m hurt.”

Promises are like babies: fun to make, but hell to deliver.

Better to remain silent and be thought a fool, than to speak and remove all doubt.

Partying... oops No Only Parting... sorry

A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a train stops. On my desk I have a workstation...

Applying computer technology is simply finding the right wrench to pound in the correct screw.

At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be “What is hell?” Come early and listen to our choir practice.

I can please only one person per day. Today is not your day. Tomorrow isn’t looking good either.

I want to die peacefully in my sleep like my grandfather, not screaming in abject horror like his passengers.

Instead of getting married again, I’m going to find a woman I don’t like and just give her a house.—Rod Stewart

The fellow who thinks he knows it all is especially annoying to those of us who do.

If ever I get married again it would have to be under an anaesthetic.

In a Budapest zoo: Please do not feed the animals. If you have any suitable food, give it to the guard on duty.

My life has a superb cast but I can’t figure out the plot.

If you’re not confused, you’re not paying attention.

Programmer – A red-eyed, mumbling mammal capable of conversing with inanimate objects.

There are three ways to get something done: do it yourself, hire someone, or forbid your kids to do it.

One should forgive one’s enemies, but not before they are hanged.

Foolproof systems don’t take into account the ingenuity of fools.

Succeed in spite of management. Aim Low; Reach Your Goals, Avoid Disappointment.

If you’re born again, do you have two bellybuttons?

“Are you going to come quietly, or do I have to use earplugs?”—Vale Spike Milligan

I fear my inferiority complex is not as good as yours.

Bacteria: the only culture some people have.

Procrastinate Now!

It is a fitting irony that under Richard Nixon, ‘launder’ became a dirty word.

“Reading computer manuals without the hardware is as frustrating as reading sex manuals without the software.” — Arthur C. Clarke.

Lots of people know a good thing the minute the other fellow sees it first.

If all you have is a hammer, everything looks like a nail.

I took an IQ test and the results were negative.

The surprising thing about young fools is how many survive to become old fools.

I love cats – they taste just like chicken.

It is said that if you line up all the cars in the world end to end, someone would be stupid enough to try and pass them.

Friends may come and go, but enemies accumulate

If at first you don’t succeed, try management.

I take everything I can for my kleptomania.

How do I set a laser printer to stun?

In democracy it’s your vote that counts. In feudalism it’s your count that votes.

Every morning is the dawn of a new error.

God must love stupid people, he made so many.

I’m not into working out. My philosophy: No pain, no pain.

Of course, we are all worms—but I like to think, at least, that I am a glow-worm. – Winston Churchill

Why were the Indians here first? They had reservations.

People can be divided into three groups: Those who make things happen, those who watch things happen, and those who wonder what happened.

One good thing about repeating your mistakes is that you know when to cringe.

Energizer Bunny arrested: Charged with battery.

I work hard because millions on welfare depend on me.

Seen it all, done it all, can’t remember most of it.

I laugh in the face of danger, except if I’m involved.

If you can’t convince them, confuse them.

Consciousness: that annoying time between naps.

Why don’t you ever see the headline “Psychic Wins Lottery”?

Always remember you’re unique, just like everyone else.

If I have to work for an idiot, I might as well work for myself.

When he first ran for office, he appealed to the voters: “I never stole anything in my life. All I ask is a chance.”

Pick your friends but not to pieces.

Laugh and the world laughs with you; snore and you sleep alone.

Borrow money from pessimists- they don’t expect to get it back.

Early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.

The number of people watching you is directly proportional to the stupidity of your action.

I wonder how much deeper would the ocean be without sponges.

Leftists are among the first to speak of their rights.

If the French were really intelligent, they’d speak English.

There are 10 types of people in the world: Those who understand binary, and those who don’t.

If life was fair, Elvis would be alive and all the impersonators would be dead.

If you can’t beat your computer at chess, try kickboxing.

It doesn’t matter what temperature the room is; it’s always room temperature.

He does the work of three men: Larry, Moe and Curly.

The shortest distance between two points is under construction.

If you don’t know where you are going, you will wind up somewhere else.

“Heavier-than-air flying machines are impossible.” — Lord Kelvin, president, Royal Society, 1895.

He who laughs last thinks slowest.

If I were two-faced, would I be wearing this one?

Jack and Jill did it for the insurance.

Age is an issue of mind over matter. If you don’t mind, it doesn’t matter.

Smith & Wesson — the original point and click interface.

He who trains his tongue to quote the learned sages, will be known far and wide as a smart ass.

They say you only use ten percent of your brain. What about the other ten?

Anything not nailed down is a cat toy.

“This report, by its very length, defends itself against the risk of being read”. — Winston Churchill

The chance of a piece of bread falling with the buttered side down is directly proportional to the cost of the carpet.

The best computer is a man, and it’s the only one that can be mass-produced by unskilled labour.

I always wanted to be somebody, but I should have been more specific.

If you want a committed man, look in a mental hospital.

If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?

Some pain is physical, and some is mental, but one that’s both is dental.

I didn’t like my beard at first. Then it grew on me.

I love work; it fascinates me; I can sit and watch it for hours.

The man who fell into an upholstery machine is fully recovered.

On the keyboard of life, always keep one finger on the escape key.

I don’t suffer from stress. I’m a carrier.

IRS: We’ve got what it takes to take what you’ve got.

Success always occurs in private, and failure in full public view.

Some people are alive only because it’s illegal to kill them.

I guess traffic in the city is improving a little. Yesterday, I drove clear across town and only had to shave twice.

The human brain is a wonderful thing. It starts working the moment you are born, and never stops until you stand up to speak in public.

I changed my iPod’s name to Titanic. It’s syncing now.

I think that’s how Chicago got started. A bunch of people in New York said, “Gee, I’m enjoying the crime and the poverty, but it just isn’t cold enough. Let’s go west.”—Richard Jeni

Age always corresponds inversely to the size of your multivitamin.

Doctor, Doctor You’ve got to help me – I just can’t stop my hands shaking. Do you drink a lot? Not really – I spill most of it!

Even crime wouldn’t pay if the government ran it.

“Hey, I’ve got reasons for what I’m doing,” REALLY MEANS, “I sure hope I think of some pretty soon.”

How do you keep an Irishman busy? Write P.T.O on both sides of a piece of paper.

I am free of all prejudices. I hate everyone equally.

Comedy is tragedy plus time.

Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian any more than going to the garage makes you a car.

Go the extra mile. It makes your boss look like an incompetent slacker.

The earthquake in Washington obviously was the government’s fault.

Is Disney World the only people trap operated by a mouse?

One good turn gets most of the blankets.

Somewhere on this globe, every ten seconds, is a woman giving birth to a child. She must be found and stopped.

Modesty is a virtue of fools.

I Refuse To Have A Battle Of Wits With An Unarmed Person.

The sooner you fall behind the more time you’ll have to catch up.

Why is the man that invests your money called a broker?

When life hands you a lemon, make lemonade.

Abel Tasman on discovering Tasmania, “Too far south for spices and too close to the rim of the earth to be inhabited by anything but freaks and monsters”

My husband and I divorced over religious differences... He thought he was God and I didn’t.

Experience is something you do not get until just after you need it.

What does a clock do when it’s hungry? It goes back four seconds.

I started out with nothing, and I still have most of it.

“I’ve noticed that everyone who is for abortion has already been born.” – Ronald Reagan

An egotist has one point in his favour – he doesn’t go round talking about other people.

A diplomatic husband said to his wife, how do you expect me to remember your birthday when you never look any older?

Tell me what you need, and I’ll tell you how to get along without it.

It is hard enough to remember my opinions, without also remembering my reasons for them!

If the human brain were so simple that we could understand it, we would be so simple we couldn’t.

Chaos, panic, & disorder – my work here is done.

Conscience is the inner voice warning us that someone may be looking.

When you get a bladder infection, urine trouble.

e=mc^2 where m = the number of cooks required to spoil the broth

A soldier who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran.

Knowledge is the key, but where is the damn lock?

If con is the opposite of pro, congress is the opposite of progress.

Warning: Dates in Calendar are closer than they appear.

I did a theatrical performance about puns. It was a play on words.

I have gone to look for myself, if I should return before I get back, keep me here.

Before you give a colleague a piece of your mind, be sure you can spare it.

Statistics are like bikinis – What they reveal is suggestive, but what they conceal is vital.

Time is God’s way of keeping everything from happening at once.

I Haven’t Lost My Mind, It’s Backed Up On Disk Somewhere.

One of the greatest labour-saving inventions today is tomorrow.

“How can a president not be an actor?” – when asked “How could an actor become president?” – Ronald Reagan

People who think they know everything are annoying to those of us who do.

A study in the Washington Post says that women have better verbal skills than men. I just want to say to the authors of that study: “Duh.”— Conan O’Brien

Why do we wash bath towels, aren’t we clean when we use them?

INDECISION is the key to FLEXIBILITY.

“I’d rather have a bottle in front of me, than a frontal lobotomy”. — Tom Waits

On the plus side, death is one of the few things that can be done just as easily as lying down.

Restarting System - Mouse Moved

When a clock is hungry, it goes back four seconds.

I don’t believe in astrology. I am a Sagittarius and we’re very skeptical. ~ Arthur C. Clarke

Good judgement comes from experience. Experience comes from bad judgement.

Raising teenagers is like trying to nail Jell-O to a tree.

Help Wanted: Telepath. You know where to apply.

Streakers beware: Your end is in sight.

“Oh dear,” said God, “I hadn’t thought of that,” and promptly vanished in a puff of logic.

If you don’t learn to laugh at troubles, you won’t have anything to laugh at when you grow old.

Technology is a way of organizing the universe so that man doesn’t have to experience it.

All the toilets in New York’s police stations have been stolen. The police have nothing to go on.

Prediction is extremely difficult. Especially about the future.

There is no such thing as an underestimate of average intelligence

Any ship can be a minesweeper... once.

I generally avoid temptation unless I can’t resist it.

Tips for Vegetarians: Hit a chicken enough times and it turns into a vegetable.

The doctor can bury his mistakes but an architect can only advise his client to plant vines.

“Every mighty oak was once just a nut who stood his ground.”

We must believe in free will, we have no choice.

Perhaps you’re diagonally parked in a parallel universe?

Tip the world over on its side and everything loose will land in Los Angeles.

My mind works like lightning. One brilliant flash and it is gone.

I like kids, but I don’t think I could eat a whole one.

Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don’t.

Smoking cures weight problems...eventually...

Everything is possible; just not too probable.

I have noticed that the people who are late are often so much jollier that the people who have to wait for them.

Jokes about German sausage are the wurst.

Men are from earth. Women are from earth. Deal with it.

“War does not determine who is right - only who is left.” – Bertrand Russell

“My wife made me join a bridge club. I jump off next Tuesday” — Rodney Dangerfield

“You can always count on Americans to do the right thing—after they’ve tried everything else” – Winston Churchill

Any task worth doing was worth doing yesterday.

Maybe I’m lucky to be going so slowly, because I may be going in the wrong direction.

Bachelors know more about women than married men; if they didn’t they’d be married too.

My husband says I never listen to him (at least I think that’s what he said)

How can you come out of a closet if you never went in there in the first place?

Youth would be an ideal state if it came a little later in life.

Laugh at your problems; everybody else does.

Sometimes I wake up grumpy; other times I let her sleep

I hate women because they always know where things are.

Killed - Personality Incompatibility

Time sneaks up on you like a windshield on a bug.

Sheep don’t fly so much as plummet.

“I believe in equality for everyone, except reporters and photographers”. — Gandhi

In the beginning, there was nothing. Then God said, “Let there be light,” and there was still nothing, but you could see it.

Cole’s Law: Thinly sliced cabbage.

Why is it called tourist season if we can’t shoot at them?

A committee is a body that keeps minutes and wastes hours.

The dictionary is the only place where success comes before work.

From the moment I picked your book up until I laid it down I was convulsed with laughter. Some day I intend reading it.

If you can’t be kind, at least have the decency to be vague.

They told me I had type A blood, but it was a Type O

I’d explain it to you, but your brain would explode.

If someone with multiple personalities threatens suicide... is it considered a hostage situation?

I dropped out of communism class because of lousy Marx.

There’s a difference between being open-minded and having a hole in your head

I don’t like people who take drugs... Customs Officers for example.

Snowmen fall from Heaven unassembled.

I have a simple philosophy. Fill what’s empty. Empty what’s full. Scratch where it itches.

When Chemists die, they barium.

The secret of success is sincerity. Once you can fake that you’ve got it made.

If it’s true that we are here to help others, then what exactly are the others here for?

Everybody is ignorant, only on different subjects.

It’s not hard to meet expenses, they’re everywhere.

Plan to be spontaneous tomorrow.

A dog that attends a flea circus most likely will steal the whole show.

It is well to remember the entire population of the universe, with one trifling exception, is composed of others.

Years ago fairy tales began with “Once upon a time...” Now it’s “If I am elected...”

If at first you don’t succeed, try, try again. Then quit. There’s no use being a damned fool about it.

Under capitalism, man exploits man. Under Communism, it’s just the opposite.

“There are two major products that come out of Berkeley: LSD and UNIX. We don’t believe this to be a coincidence.” — Jeremy S. Anderson

If you’re not wasted, the day is.

Illiterate? Write For Help.

A dyslexic man walks into a bra.

Macho Law prohibits me from admitting I’m wrong.

I am amazed at radio DJ’s today. I am firmly convinced that AM on my radio stands for Absolute Moron. I will not begin to tell you what FM stands for.

We have two ends. One for sitting and one for thinking. Our success depends on which one we use most.

“Everyday I beat my own previous record for number of consecutive days I’ve stayed alive.”

Solitude is fine, but you need someone to tell you that solitude is fine.

Cleverly Disguised As A Responsible Adult.

Englishmen never will be slaves: they are free to do whatever the Government and public opinion allow them to do.

“I am not worried about the deficit. It is big enough to take care of itself.” – Ronald Reagan

He’s not dead, he’s electroencephalographically challenged.

If at first you do succeed, try to hide your astonishment.

You’ll never get to heaven if you’re scared of getting high.

There’s a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot.

I wished the buck stopped here, as I could use a few.

Everybody is somebody else’s weirdo.

Am I getting smart with you? How would you know?

Despite the cost of living it’s still very popular.

A drop of ink may make a million think.

Horn broken. Watch for finger. (on bumper sticker)

You’re such an inspiration for the way I’ll never choose to be.

Sometimes I think the surest sign that intelligent life exists elsewhere in the universe is that none of it has tried to contact us.

Acupuncture is a jab well done.

Arguing on the Internet is like competing in the Special Olympics – even if you win, you are still retarded.

If Bill Gates had a nickel for every time Windows crashed... oh wait, he does.

If you do not make dust, you eat dust.

Most vegetarians look so much like the food they eat that they can be classified as cannibals.

This guy walks into a bar and the barman says “Ouch, that must have hurt”

Men don’t care what’s on TV. They only care what else is on TV.

There is nothing so annoying as to have two people go right on talking when you’re interrupting.

“Reader, suppose you were an idiot. And suppose you were a member of Congress. But I repeat myself”. — Mark Twain

Who is General Failure and why is he reading my hard disk?

If you don’t know where you are going, you might wind up someplace else.

Haunted French pancakes give me the crêpes.

Politicians are people who, when they see the light at the end of the tunnel, go out and buy more tunnel.

My schoolmates would make love to anything that moved, but I never saw any reason to limit myself.

The sooner you fall behind the more time you’ll have to catch up.

Women like silent men. They think they’re listening.

If sex is such a natural phenomenon, how come there are so many books on how to do it.

In this world, nothing is certain but death and taxes. – Benjamin Franklin

I often quote myself; it adds spice to my conversation.

Next time you wave, use all your fingers.

Don’t be irreplaceable; if you cannot be replaced, you cannot be promoted.

Gossip: The art of saying nothing while leaving nothing unsaid.

Hemp is a herb. Bush is a dope.

“Thinking is the hardest work there is, which is probably why so few engage in it”. — Henry Ford

I spilled spot remover on my dog. Now he’s gone.

If At First You Don’t Succeed... Blame Someone Else And Seek Counseling.

What do you call a dinosaur with an extensive vocabulary? A thesaurus.

“Then he ran into my knife. He ran into my knife ten times.” – Chicago

Never argue with an idiot. They drag you down to their level then beat you with experience.

I’ve been trying for some time to develop a life style that doesn’t require my presence.

You have the right to your opinions. I just don’t want to hear them.

It is wiser to find out than to suppose.—Mark Twain

Remember the teakettle; though up to its neck in hot water, it continues to sing.

Whenever there is any doubt, there is no doubt.

At the age of six I wanted to be a cook. At seven I wanted to be Napoleon. And my ambition has been growing steadily ever since.

We spend the first twelve months of our children’s lives teaching them to walk and talk and the next twelve telling them to sit down and shut up.

Latest survey shows that 3 out of 4 people make up 75% of the world’s population.

When in trouble, fear or doubt, run in circles, scream and shout.

Five out of four people have trouble with fractions.

Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way when you criticize them, you are a mile away from them and you have their shoes.

Time is a great teacher, but unfortunately it kills all its pupils.

As a final incentive before giving up a difficult task, try to imagine it successfully accomplished by someone you violently dislike.

Computers make it easy to do a lot of things, but most of the things that make it easier to do don’t need to be done.

An egotist is a person of low taste—more interested in himself than in me.

Does your train of thought have a caboose?

Venison for dinner again? Oh deer!

“Einstein argued that there must be simplified explanations of nature, because God is not capricious or arbitrary. No such faith comforts the software engineer.” — Fred Brooks.

“The best thing about the future is that it comes only one day at a time.” – Abraham Lincoln

Democracy is the recurrent suspicion that more than half of the people are right more than half of the time.

I always wanted to be a procrastinator, never got around to it though.

Youth is a wonderful thing. What a crime to waste it on children.

Hard work never killed anybody but why take the chance?

Cheer up, the worst is yet to come.

One martini is all right, two is too many, and three is not enough.

“If carrots are so good for the eyes, how come I see so many dead rabbits on the highway?”

When in doubt, mumble.

Men occasionally stumble over the truth, but most of them pick themselves up and hurry off as if nothing had happened. – Winston Churchill

Democracy is a process by which people are free to choose the man who will get the blame.

TEAMWORK... means never having to take all the blame yourself.

I used up all my sick days, so I’m calling in dead.

“How come we choose from just two people to run for president and 50 for Miss America?”

I think animal testing is a terrible idea; they get all nervous and give the wrong answers.

When you do not know what you are doing, do it neatly.

It has recently been discovered that research causes cancer in rats.

When I was a boy I was told that anybody could become president; I’m beginning to believe it.

The most powerful force in the universe is gossip.

“Things are more like they are now than they ever were before.” – Former U.S. President Dwight D. Eisenhower

Heck is where people go who don’t believe in gosh.

It is hard to understand how a cemetery raised its burial charges and blamed it on the cost of living.

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No problem is so big and complicated that it can’t be ran away from.

Get even – live long enough to be a problem to your kids.

Support bacteria – they’re the only culture some people have.

So Many Pedestrians – So Little Time.

I used to think I was indecisive, but now I’m not sure.

Honesty is the best policy, but insanity is a better defence.

Wine divulges truth.

Anyone who told you to be yourself couldn’t have given you worse advice.

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Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?

Life is far too important to be taken seriously.

PMS jokes aren’t funny. Period.

Character is what you are in the dark.

Stupidity is not a handicap. Park elsewhere!

A penny saved is a Congressional spending oversight.

If a woman has to choose between catching a fly ball and saving an infant’s life, she will choose to save the infant’s life without even considering if there is a man on base.—Dave Barry

“When in doubt tell the truth.”—Mark Twain

Marriage is a three-ring circus: engagement ring, wedding ring, and suffering.

Be thankful for problems. If they were less difficult, someone with less ability might have your job.

Best way to get a man to do something, is to suggest they are too old for it.

Eagles may soar, but weasels don’t get sucked into jet engines.

I plead contemporary insanity.

Jokes about German sausage are the wurst.

According to recent study someone is run over by a car every 5 minutes in the city. You’d think the guy would have enough sense to get out of the street.

The truth is a precious commodity. That’s why I use it so sparingly.

It is not what a teenager knows that bothers his parents. It is how he found out.

I don’t enjoy computer jokes; not one bit.

“As a matter of fact” is an expression that precedes many an expression that isn’t.

It’s not true that married men live longer than single men. It only seems longer.

Madness takes its toll. Please have exact change.

If a man opens a car door for a woman, either the car is new or the woman.

What do you call a dinosaur with an extensive vocabulary? A thesaurus.

If everything is coming your way, you are probably in the wrong lane.

You can’t have everything. Where would you put it?

How did Moses make his tea? Hebrews it.

All men are equal. Some are just more equal than others.

As the light changed from red to green to yellow and back to red again, I sat there thinking about life. Was it nothing more than a bunch of honking and yelling? Sometimes it seemed that way.

Originality is the fine art of remembering what you hear, but forgetting where you heard it.

Humour. It is a difficult concept. It is not logical.

The trouble with the rat race is that even if you win, you’re still a rat.

I’m desperately trying to figure out why kamikaze pilots wore helmets.

Brilliant, but with the social skills of a thermonuclear device.

Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7th of your life.

I intend to live forever – so far, so good.

Whenever I feel like exercise, I lie down until the feeling passes.

A bird in the hand is safer than one overhead.

If money talks, it ain’t on speakin’ terms with me.

Connection Reset By Aboriginal With Wire Cutters

Man shoots neighbour with machete [The Miami Herald, July 3]

Hope sees the invisible, feels the intangible and achieves the impossible.

Everybody lies, but it doesn’t matter since nobody listens.

What’s the definition of a will? (It’s a dead giveaway).

If we learn by our mistakes, some of us are getting one hell of an education!

The dumber people think you are, the more surprised they’re going to be when you kill them—Rodney Dangerfield

Caution – Driver Legally Blonde!

“You have to be careful about being too careful” – Beryl Pfizer

Remember half the people you know are below average.

A bargain is something you don’t need at a price you can’t resist.

It’s bad luck to be superstitious.

Broken pencils are pointless.

A pessimist is a man who has been compelled to live with an optimist

I’m an idealist: I don’t know where I’m going, but I’m on my way.

Sex on television can’t hurt you unless you fall off.

Well, if I called the wrong number, why did you answer the phone?

“A girl phoned me the other day and said... Come on over, there’s nobody home. I went over. Nobody was home” — Rodney Dangerfield

Where you stand depends on where you sit.

The second day of a diet is alway easier than the first. By the second day, you’re off it.

Nick Overruled - Democratic Majority Decision

Last night I lay in bed looking up at the stars in the sky and I thought to myself, “Where the heck is the ceiling?”

I don’t suffer from stress. I’m a carrier.

“I would like to live in Manchester, England. The transition between Manchester and death would be unnoticeable”. — Mark Twain

A conclusion is simply the place where you got tired of thinking.

Pardon my driving, I am reloading.

I haven’t spoken to my wife for 18 months: I don’t like to interrupt her.

Just because you’re not paranoid doesn’t mean they’re not out to get you.

If at first you don’t succeed, skydiving is not your sport.

Cheerfulness is contagious, but don’t wait to catch it from others. Be a carrier.

I took a speed reading course and read ‘War and Peace’ in twenty minutes. It involves Russia. Enough women for four.

Sheep don’t fly so much as plummet.

Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?

Get a new car for your spouse – it’ll be a great trade!

Being single is like a vacuum. It sucks when you are turned on.

In a Tokyo shop: Our nylons cost more than common, but you’ll find they are best in the long run.

I’d give my right arm to be ambidextrous.

Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy.

Stupidity is not a handicap! Park somewhere else!

I am obviously right, and as you disagree with me, then logically you must be wrong.

In elementary school, in case of fire, you have to line up quietly in a single file line from smallest to tallest. What is the logic? Do tall people burn slower?

Errors have been made. Others will be blamed.

“He has been given a large brain by mistake, since for him the spinal cord would fully suffice.” — Albert Einstein

He often broke into song because he couldn’t find the key.

If automobiles had followed the same development cycle as the computer, a Rolls Royce would today cost $100, get a million miles per gallon, and explode once a year, killing everyone inside.

Plagiarism saves time.

If olive oil comes from olives, where does baby oil come from?

If a President doesn’t do it to his wife, he’ll do it to his country.

Don’t talk unless you can improve the silence.

How do you spot an Irishman at a carwash? He’s the one on the bike.

It’s hard to face the problem, when the problem is your face.

The short fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.

If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?

A baby sitter is a teenager acting like an adult while the adults are out acting like teenagers.

Just remember... if the world didn’t suck, we’d all fall off.

It’s not that I’m afraid to die; I just don’t want to be there when it happens.

It used to be only death and taxes were inevitable. Now, of course, there’s shipping and handling, too.

Money is flat and meant to be piled up. – Scottish Proverb

“My computer NEVER loc

It is a small world, but I wouldn’t like to have to paint it.

Does this smell like chloroform to you?

An army of deer led by a lion is more to be feared than an army of lions led by a deer.

Being a philosopher, I have a problem for every solution.

Being in the army is like being in the Boy Scouts, except that the Boy Scouts have adult supervision.

No sense being pessimistic, it probably wouldn’t work anyway.

Advertisement for donkey rides in Thailand: Would you like to ride on your own ass?

Money is better than poverty, if only for financial reasons.

Once, during prohibition, I was forced to live for days on nothing but food and water.

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I live in my own little world, but it’s ok they know me here.

Bachelors have consciences, married men have wives.

What happens if you get scared half to death twice?

To B or not to B? *kills the B* I HATE BEES!!!! – LynxofCP

I arise in the morning torn between a desire to improve the world and a desire to enjoy the world. This makes it hard to plan the day.

This comment is printed on 100% recycled electrons.

“People who drink light beer don’t like the taste of beer; they just like to pee a lot” — Rodney Dangerfield

Man who run in front of car get tired.

A backwards poet writes inverse.

Marriage is not a word; it is a sentence.

It is even harder for the average ape to believe that he has descended from man.

Legend: a lie that has attained the dignity of age.

It’s strange, isn’t it. You stand in the middle of a library and go aaaaagghhhh’ and everyone just stares at you. But you do the same thing on an aeroplane, and everyone joins in.

Don’t look back. Something may be gaining on you.

Time’s fun when you’re having flies... Kermit the Frog

Ours is a world where people don’t know what they want and are willing to go through hell to get it.

How do you get an Irishman to burn his ear? Ring him up while he is ironing.

“I have left orders to be awakened at any time in case of national emergency – even if I’m in a Cabinet meeting.” – Ronald Reagan

Lord, if you won’t make me skinny, please make all my friends fat.

Slow is when someone laps you in the hundred-yard dash

Velcro — what a rip off!

Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.

I used to think I was indecisive, but now I’m not sure.

Marriage changes passion... suddenly you’re in bed with a relative.

I married Miss Right. I just didn’t know her first name was Always.

Cab drivers are living proof that practice does not make perfect.

What sane person could live in this world and not be crazy?

When angry count four, when very angry, swear.

I have spent my whole life looking for the perfect woman, and now I’ve found her. Too bad she’s looking for the perfect man.

“Managing senior programmers is like herding cats” — Dave Platt.

As long as there are tests, there will be prayer in public schools.

The world is full of willing people; some willing to work, the rest willing to let them.

“I worked in a pet shop and people kept asking how big I’d get” — Rodney Dangerfield

One day I will get this peer guy and reset his connection.

Show me a piano falling down a mineshaft and I’ll show you A-flat minor.

Two strings walk into a bar. The first string says to the bartender, “Bartender, I’ll have a beer. u.5n$x5t?*&4ru!2[sACCErJ”. The second string says, “Pardon my friend, he isn’t NULL terminated”.

You can say any foolish thing to a dog, and the dog will give you a look that says, “My God, you’re right! I never would’ve thought of that!”

Where do you find an Irish woodworm? Dead inside a brick.

I love deadlines. I especially like the whooshing sound they make as they go flying by.

Constipated People Don’t Give A Crap.

Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

I don’t have an attitude problem. You have a perception problem.

Hang in there; retirement is only thirty years away.

“The generation of random numbers is too important to be left to chance.” — Robert R. Coveyou, Oak Ridge National Laboratory.

Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.

Authority makes some people grow – and others just swell.

I’ve always wanted to be normal, but lately I’ve come to suspect that this is it.

Those who can laugh without cause have either found the true meaning of happiness or have gone stark raving mad.

I get enough exercise just pushing my luck.

Bacteria: the only culture some people have.

Eschew obfuscation.

The beatings will continue until morale improves.

The light at the end of the tunnel has been turned off due to budget cuts.

I am a nobody, nobody is perfect, therefore I’m perfect.

For people who like peace and quiet – a phoneless cord.

A poor excuse is like an old bucket; doesn’t matter what shape it is in, as long as it holds water.

Never put off until tomorrow what you can avoid altogether.

To succeed in politics, it is often necessary to rise above your principles.

Insanity is hereditary; you can get it from your children.

Everyone needs belief in something. I believe I’ll have another beer.

Isn’t having a smoking section in a restaurant like having a peeing section in a swimming pool?

If you try and don’t succeed, cheat. Repeat until caught. Then lie.

“Always be sincere, even when you don’t mean it”. — Irene Peter

“This ‘telephone’ has too many shortcomings to be seriously considered as a means of communication.” — Western Union internal memo, 1876.

99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.

There are only three kinds of people; people who can count and people who can’t.

Half of being smart is knowing what you are dumb at.

Red Tape Holds Up New Bridge!

Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

I majored in liberal arts. Will that be for here or to go?

Proofread carefully to see if you any words out.

A clean tie attracts the soup of the day.

A bird does not sing because it has an answer—it sings because it has a song.

“Few things are harder to put up with than a good example.”—Mark Twain

Democracy is a government where you can say what you think even if you don’t think.

Whenever people agree with me, I always feel I must be wrong.

Blessed are those who can laugh at themselves, they will never cease to be amused.

Man who run behind car get exhausted.

Outside of a dog, a book is probably man’s best friend, and inside of a dog, it’s too dark to read.

Always do sober what you said you’d do drunk. That will teach you to keep your mouth shut.

What Has Four Legs And An Arm? A Happy Pit Bull.

A synonym is a word you use when you can’t spell the word you first thought of.

The only reason some people get lost in thought is because it’s unfamiliar territory.

If it weren’t for the last minute, nothing would ever get done.

People don’t grow up; they just learn how to act in public.

Booze is the answer. I don’t remember the question.

“Life is a waste of time, time is a waste of life, so get wasted all of the time and have the time of your life”. — Tom Waits

I thought I wanted a career, turns out I just wanted paychecks.

Never underestimate the power of very stupid people in large groups.

Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying of nothing.

Don’t take life too seriously—you’ll never get out of it alive.

The trouble with life is there’s no background music.

When I was young, I could remember anything. Whether it happened or not.

I used to be apathetic, but now I don’t give a damn.

If the world should blow itself up, the last audible voice would be that of an expert saying it can’t be done.

“When you starve with a tiger, the tiger starves last”. — Griffin’s Thought

I can resist everything except temptation.

Brain: an apparatus with which we think we think.

All those who believe in psycho kinesis raise my hand.

Without question, the greatest invention in the history of mankind is beer. Oh, I grant you that the wheel was also a fine invention, but the wheel does not go nearly as well with pizza.

A bachelor is a man who comes to work from a different direction each morning.

If vegetable oil comes from vegetables, where does baby oil come from?

“#define QUESTION ((bb) || !(bb))” — Shakespeare

I have the body of a GOD – Buddha.

“The object of war is not to die for your country but to make the other bastard die for his.” – General George Patton

Don’t Be Sexist – Broads Hate That.

Someday we’ll look back on all this and plow into the back of a parked car.

“You, you and you: panic. The rest of you, come with me.”

Nothing means nothing, but it isn’t really nothing because nothing is something that isn’t.

My girlfriend told me I should be more affectionate. So I got two more girlfriends.

“You start coding. I’ll go find out what they want.” — Computer analyst to programmer

It’s just a job. Grass grows, birds fly, waves pound the sand. I just beat people up. – Muhammad Ali

The art of flying is to throw yourself at the ground and miss.

I tried to photograph the fog, but I mist.

Impotence: Nature’s Way Of Saying “No Hard Feelings”.

When I’m not in my right mind, my left mind gets pretty crowded

The day I can’t do my job drunk is the day I turn in my badge and gun.

We waste time, so you don’t have to.

“Blink your eyelids periodically to lubricate your eyes.” — Page 16 of the HP “Environmental, Health Safety Handbook for Employees”.

We are going on a field trip to the Coca-Cola factory. I hope there are no pop quizzes.

Anything that can become tangled around something else, will.

Half of the people in the world are below average.

Anything not nailed down is mine. Anything I can pry loose is not nailed down.

Santa’s helpers are subordinate clauses.

How do you sink an Irish Submarine? Knock on the hatch.

We Quit Voting Will They All Go Away?

Nobody can be exactly like me. Even I have trouble doing it.

The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.

Anyone can admit they were wrong; the true test is admitting it to someone else.

If you don’t pay your exorcist you get repossessed.

Make three correct guesses consecutively and you will establish yourself as an expert.

Some people are alive only because it’s illegal to kill them.

The scientific theory I like best is that the rings of Saturn are composed entirely of lost airline luggage.

To define recursion, we must first define recursion.

Only a fool is astonished by the foolishness of humankind.

Blessed are the young, for they shall inherit the national debt.

I had some words with my wife, and she had some paragraphs with me.

“The web is a dominatrix. Every where I turn, I see little buttons ordering me to Submit.” — Nytwind.

I don’t necessarily agree with everything I say.

I majored in liberal arts. Will that be for here or to go?

Eat a live toad first thing in the morning, and nothing worse can happen to you the rest of the day.

Everything you like is bad for you in some way.

What if there were no hypothetical questions?

“There is no reason anyone would want a computer in their home.” — Ken Olson, founder of Digital Equipment Corp., 1977.

Shin: a device for finding furniture in the dark.

This girl said she recognized me from the vegetarian club, but I’d never met herbivore

I couldn’t repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.

Every time I look at you I get a fierce desire to be lonesome.

When all other means of communication fail, try words.

When your IQ reaches 80 –– sell.

Alcohol: the cause of, and solution to, all of life’s problems.

I installed a skylight in my apartment. The people who live above me are furious.

A cartoonist was found dead in his home. Details are sketchy.

I’m an apathetic sociopath – I’d kill you if I cared.

Be nice to your kids. They’ll choose your nursing home.

This Would Be Really Funny If It Weren’t Happening To Me.

“C++ : Where friends have access to your private members.” — Gavin Russell Baker.

I’m quite easy to get along with, once you learn to beckon at my every call and yield to all my desires.

I think, therefore I am single.

Life is complex: it has real and imaginary parts.

There are two kinds of people, those who finish what they start, and so on.

Everybody is ignorant, only on different subjects.

Don’t use a big word where a diminutive one will suffice.

All my life, I always wanted to be somebody. Now I see that I should have been more specific.

When you come to a fork in the road, take it.

Progress was all right. Only it went on too long.

If puns were outlawed, only outlaws would have puns.

I either want less corruption, or more chance to participate in it.

Genius is 1% inspiration, and 99% perspiration.

Take my advice, I don’t use it anyway.

If you can’t convince them, confuse them.

They say if you play a Microsoft CD backwards you hear satanic messages. That’s nothing, if you play it forwards it installs Windows.

Quantum mechanics: The dreams stuff is made of.

Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.

I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol.

Why is it that to stop Windows, you have to click on “Start”?

Time flies like an arrow – fruit flies like a banana.

Hypochondria is the only disease I haven’t got.

Men have a much better time of it than women; for one thing, they marry later; for another thing they die earlier.

Artificial Intelligence is no match for Natural Stupidity.

Did you hear about the cross-eyed teacher who lost her job because she couldn’t control her pupils?

I stayed up all night to see where the sun went. Then it dawned on me.

I used to be a banker, but then I lost interest.

Vote for the man who promises least; he’ll be the least disappointing.

“Always in motion the future is. Seasick it makes me. That’s why so green I am”. – Yoda

On a tombstone: I TOLD YOU I WAS SICK

Work: It isn’t just for sleeping anymore.

Mental Floss prevents Moral Decay.

I hope that after I die, people will say of me: “That guy sure owed me a lot of money.”

The more time you spend in reporting on what you are doing, the less time you have to do it in. Stability is achieved when you spend all your time doing nothing but reporting on the nothing you are doing.

My one regret in life is that I am not someone else.

I used to find him boring until I stopped listening.

Early to rise, early to bed, makes a man healthy but socially dead.

I had amnesia once or twice.

Where there’s a will, I want to be in it.

If a job is worth doing well get someone else to do it.

Marathon runners with bad footwear suffer the agony of defeat.

Always try to be modest and be proud of it!

“On two occasions I have been asked [by members of Parliament!]: ‘Pray, Mr. Babbage, if you put into the machine wrong figures, will the right answers come out ?’ I am not able rightly to apprehend the kind of confusion of ideas that could provoke such a question.” — Charles Babbage.

The most precious thing we have is life. Yet it has absolutely no trade-in value.

I was at a bar nursing a beer. My nipple was getting quite soggy.

You look like a million dollars. All green and wrinkled.

Living is not worth dying for.

The illegal we do immediately. The unconstitutional takes a little longer. – Henry Kissinger

In the office of a Roman doctor: Specialist in women and other diseases.

Why is it that doctors call what they do “practice”?

If you choke a smurf, what colour does it turn?

You’re not drunk if you can lie on the floor without holding on.

I tried sniffing Coke once, but the ice cubes got stuck in my nose.

If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?

Bigamy is having one wife too many. Monogamy is the same. – Oscar Wilde

It is not my interest to pay the principal, nor my principal to pay the interest.

For Sale: Parachute. Only used once, never opened, small stain.

I don’t meet competition. I crush it

Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?

“I wish everyone was peaceful. Then I could take over the planet with a butter knife”—Dogbert

My reality check just bounced.

History will be kind to me for I intend to write it. – Winston Churchill

If at first you don’t succeed, destroy all the evidence that you tried.

111,111,111 x 111,111,111 = 12,345,678,987,654,321

In the beginning, God created earth and rested. Then God created man and rested. Then God created woman. Since then, neither God nor man has rested.

Mind like a steel trap – rusty and illegal in most states.

Outside a Hong Kong tailor shop: Ladies may have a fit upstairs.

The difference between a stepping-stone and a stumbling block can be when you see it.

I know a guy who is addicted to brake fluid. He says he can stop anytime.

Cluster bombing from B-52s is very, very accurate – the bombs always hit the ground.

Well if this is the wrong number, why did you answer it?

An Apple a day keeps the doctor away. But... an onion a day keeps everyone away.

“I could tell that my parents hated me. My bath toys were a toaster and a radio” — Rodney Dangerfield

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