Amusing Quotes & One-Liners

Macho Law prohibits me from admitting I’m wrong.

Am I getting smart with you? How would you know?

I majored in liberal arts. Will that be for here or to go?

I think animal testing is a terrible idea; they get all nervous and give the wrong answers.

I used up all my sick days, so I’m calling in dead.

So Many Pedestrians – So Little Time.

Marriage is a three-ring circus: engagement ring, wedding ring, and suffering.

Mind like a steel trap – rusty and illegal in most states.

Succeed in spite of management. Aim Low; Reach Your Goals, Avoid Disappointment.

Marriage is not a word; it is a sentence.

“There are only two things that are infinite: the universe and human stupidity. And I’m not sure about the universe.” A. Einstein

Those who can laugh without cause have either found the true meaning of happiness or have gone stark raving mad.

A procrastinator’s work is never done.

Birthdays are good for you. Statistics show that the people who have the most live the longest.

Take my advice, I don’t use it anyway.

I take everything I can for my kleptomania.

Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian any more than going to the garage makes you a car.

Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?

A drop of ink may make a million think.

Laugh at your problems; everybody else does.

“People who drink light beer don’t like the taste of beer; they just like to pee a lot” — Rodney Dangerfield

Early to rise, early to bed, makes a man healthy but socially dead.

A poor excuse is like an old bucket; doesn’t matter what shape it is in, as long as it holds water.

If I’d known I was going to live this long, I’d have taken better care of myself.

It’s hard to face the problem, when the problem is your face.

“I have never let my schooling interfere with my education.”—Mark Twain

The beatings will continue until morale improves.

Energizer Bunny arrested: Charged with battery.

Don’t take life too seriously—you’ll never get out of it alive.

Whenever there is any doubt, there is no doubt.

If at first you don’t succeed, try, try again. Then quit. There’s no use being a damned fool about it.

I was the next door kid’s imaginary friend.

If you want a committed man, look in a mental hospital.

I can resist everything except temptation.

Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy.

I have the body of a GOD – Buddha.

There’s a fine line between genius and insanity. I have erased this line.

Always try to be modest and be proud of it!

What’s another word for Thesaurus?

Tips for Vegetarians: Hit a chicken enough times and it turns into a vegetable.

Just remember... if the world didn’t suck, we’d all fall off.

Man who eat many prunes get good run for money.

Booze is the answer. I don’t remember the question.

If you want your spouse to listen and pay strict attention to every word you say, talk in your sleep.

Don’t use a big word where a diminutive one will suffice.

A penny saved is a Congressional spending oversight.

I think, therefore I am single.

Horn broken. Watch for finger. (on bumper sticker)

A bachelor is a man who comes to work from a different direction each morning.

People don’t grow up; they just learn how to act in public.

Man does not live by words alone, despite the fact that sometimes he has to eat them.

I don’t suffer from stress. I’m a carrier.

If a job is worth doing well get someone else to do it.

Someone sent me a postcard picture of the earth. On the back it said, “Wish you were here.”

Youth is a wonderful thing. What a crime to waste it on children.

I envy people who drink – at least they know what to blame everything on.

What do you call a dinosaur with an extensive vocabulary? A thesaurus.

Warning: Dates in Calendar are closer than they appear.

Keyboard not detected. Press F1 to continue

Roses are red, Violets are blue. In Soviet Russia, Poems write you.

Well, this day was a total waste of makeup.

I can please only one person per day. Today is not your day. Tomorrow isn’t looking good either.

To find out a girl’s faults, praise her to her girl friends.

I used to be apathetic, but now I don’t give a damn.

If you don’t pay your exorcist you get repossessed.

If we learn by our mistakes, some of us are getting one hell of an education!

The more time you spend in reporting on what you are doing, the less time you have to do it in. Stability is achieved when you spend all your time doing nothing but reporting on the nothing you are doing.

In the beginning, God created earth and rested. Then God created man and rested. Then God created woman. Since then, neither God nor man has rested.

I like to start my periods with sentences.

Anything’s possible... apart from skiing through a revolving door.

Applying computer technology is simply finding the right wrench to pound in the correct screw.

Man who run in front of car get tired.

You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They left a little note on the windscreen, it said ‘Parking Fine.’

Where do you find an Irish woodworm? Dead inside a brick.

If At First You Don’t Succeed... Blame Someone Else And Seek Counseling.

On the plus side, death is one of the few things that can be done just as easily as lying down.

He often broke into song because he couldn’t find the key.

Whenever people agree with me, I always feel I must be wrong.

If a man opens a car door for a woman, either the car is new or the woman.

When you get a bladder infection, urine trouble.

Well if this is the wrong number, why did you answer it?

If we don’t succeed, we run the risk of failure.

A pessimist is a man who has been compelled to live with an optimist

I had amnesia once or twice.

I guess traffic in the city is improving a little. Yesterday, I drove clear across town and only had to shave twice.

One good turn gets most of the blankets.

Men have a much better time of it than women; for one thing, they marry later; for another thing they die earlier.

Go the extra mile. It makes your boss look like an incompetent slacker.

Men don’t care what’s on TV. They only care what else is on TV.

We have two ends. One for sitting and one for thinking. Our success depends on which one we use most.

Quantum: Noun, word used to sound like I know what I’m talking about while discussing physics I’ve never actually studied.

If it weren’t for electricity we’d all be watching television by candlelight?

We are going on a field trip to the Coca-Cola factory. I hope there are no pop quizzes.

Best way to get a man to do something, is to suggest they are too old for it.

I stayed up all night to see where the sun went. Then it dawned on me.

I couldn’t repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.

If you can’t be kind, at least have the decency to be vague.

Confidence is the feeling you have before you understand the situation

I thought I made a mistake once, but I was wrong.

The things that come to those that wait may be the things left by those who got there first.

“Einstein argued that there must be simplified explanations of nature, because God is not capricious or arbitrary. No such faith comforts the software engineer.” — Fred Brooks.

The trouble with our times is that the future is not what it used to be.

Anyone who told you to be yourself couldn’t have given you worse advice.

Cheerfulness is contagious, but don’t wait to catch it from others. Be a carrier.

When I was a boy I was told that anybody could become president; I’m beginning to believe it.

In a Rome laundry: Ladies, leave your clothes here and spend the afternoon having a good time.

If you’re not wasted, the day is.

“Always in motion the future is. Seasick it makes me. That’s why so green I am”. – Yoda

Remember the teakettle; though up to its neck in hot water, it continues to sing.

I’m not dumb; I just have a command of thoroughly useless information.

“They say hard work never hurt anybody, but I figure why take the chance.” – Ronald Reagan

Any task worth doing was worth doing yesterday.

In elementary school, in case of fire, you have to line up quietly in a single file line from smallest to tallest. What is the logic? Do tall people burn slower?

If a woman has to choose between catching a fly ball and saving an infant’s life, she will choose to save the infant’s life without even considering if there is a man on base.—Dave Barry

You’ll never get to heaven if you’re scared of getting high.

“Thinking is the hardest work there is, which is probably why so few engage in it”. — Henry Ford

Allow me to introduce my selves.

The most precious thing we have is life. Yet it has absolutely no trade-in value.

Comedy is tragedy plus time.

I don’t believe in astrology. I am a Sagittarius and we’re very skeptical. ~ Arthur C. Clarke

I thought I wanted a career, turns out I just wanted paychecks.

It is a small world, but I wouldn’t like to have to paint it.

Despite the cost of living it’s still very popular.

Optimists believe we live on the greatest world. Pessimists believe this is true.

I got a job at a bakery because I kneaded dough.

A committee is a body that keeps minutes and wastes hours.

Honest criticism is hard to take, particularly from a relative, a friend, an acquaintance, or a stranger.

Age is a very high price to pay for maturity.

A team effort is a lot of people doing what I say

I am free of all prejudices. I hate everyone equally.

When Chemists die, they barium.

I Refuse To Have A Battle Of Wits With An Unarmed Person.

Politicians are people who, when they see the light at the end of the tunnel, go out and buy more tunnel.

“Every mighty oak was once just a nut who stood his ground.”

Outside of a dog, a book is probably man’s best friend, and inside of a dog, it’s too dark to read.

I love cats – they taste just like chicken.

Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.

Early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.

Alcohol: the cause of, and solution to, all of life’s problems.

All the toilets in New York’s police stations have been stolen. The police have nothing to go on.

The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.

One day I will get this peer guy and reset his connection.

If vegetable oil comes from vegetables, where does baby oil come from?

Men’s faults are many, women have only two. Everything they say, and everything they do.

Never buy a car you can’t push.

I don’t have an attitude problem. You have a perception problem.

Ever stop to think and forget to start again?

How do you spot an Irishman at a carwash? He’s the one on the bike.

I was at a bar nursing a beer. My nipple was getting quite soggy.

I’m quite easy to get along with, once you learn to beckon at my every call and yield to all my desires.

“This ‘telephone’ has too many shortcomings to be seriously considered as a means of communication.” — Western Union internal memo, 1876.

A soldier who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran.

All those who believe in psycho kinesis raise my hand.

As long as there are tests, there will be prayer in public schools.

Laugh and the world laughs with you; snore and you sleep alone.

Even crime wouldn’t pay if the government ran it.

I’m out of my mind, but feel free to leave a message.

Money is flat and meant to be piled up. – Scottish Proverb

The secret of success is sincerity. Once you can fake that you’ve got it made.

Hope sees the invisible, feels the intangible and achieves the impossible.

I work hard because millions on welfare depend on me.

You’re such an inspiration for the way I’ll never choose to be.

Experience is something you do not get until just after you need it.

Stupidity is not a handicap. Park elsewhere!

Only a fool is astonished by the foolishness of humankind.

A dog that attends a flea circus most likely will steal the whole show.

We waste time, so you don’t have to.

We’ve made great medical progress in the last generation. What used to be merely an itch is now an allergy.

When he first ran for office, he appealed to the voters: “I never stole anything in my life. All I ask is a chance.”

Men are from earth. Women are from earth. Deal with it.

My parents stayed together for forty years, but that was out of spite.

I love work; it fascinates me; I can sit and watch it for hours.

He who trains his tongue to quote the learned sages, will be known far and wide as a smart ass.

He’s so lazy. I’ve seen him step into a revolving door and wait.

A printer consists of three main parts: the case, the jammed paper tray and the blinking red light

Eat a live toad first thing in the morning, and nothing worse can happen to you the rest of the day.

“How come we choose from just two people to run for president and 50 for Miss America?”

If at first you don’t succeed, skydiving is not your sport.

Arguing on the Internet is like competing in the Special Olympics – even if you win, you are still retarded.

What’s the definition of a will? (It’s a dead giveaway).

You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.

Five out of four people have trouble with fractions.

Character is what you are in the dark.

“A patriot must always be ready to defend his country against his government”. — Edward Abbey

Anything that can become tangled around something else, will.

“Blink your eyelids periodically to lubricate your eyes.” — Page 16 of the HP “Environmental, Health Safety Handbook for Employees”.

Illiterate? Write For Help.

A hangover is the wrath of grapes.

When I was young, I could remember anything. Whether it happened or not.

“Banking establishments are more dangerous than standing armies”. — Thomas Jefferson

One good thing about repeating your mistakes is that you know when to cringe.

“When you starve with a tiger, the tiger starves last”. — Griffin’s Thought

The doctor can bury his mistakes but an architect can only advise his client to plant vines.

Hemp is a herb. Bush is a dope.

You can’t have everything. Where would you put it?

Maybe I’m lucky to be going so slowly, because I may be going in the wrong direction.

The second day of a diet is alway easier than the first. By the second day, you’re off it.

If you don’t know why I’m mad at you, then I’m certainly not going to tell you

Proofread carefully to see if you any words out.

Humour. It is a difficult concept. It is not logical.

How do you get an Irishman to burn his ear? Ring him up while he is ironing.

I’d explain it to you, but your brain would explode.

An army of deer led by a lion is more to be feared than an army of lions led by a deer.

There are three ways to get something done: do it yourself, hire someone, or forbid your kids to do it.

I live in my own little world, but it’s ok they know me here.

A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat.

Why were the Indians here first? They had reservations.

Connection Reset By Aboriginal With Wire Cutters

If Bill Gates had a nickel for every time Windows crashed... oh wait, he does.

“If women didn’t exist, all the money in the world would have no meaning.” – Aristotle Onassis

The dumber people think you are, the more surprised they’re going to be when you kill them—Rodney Dangerfield

Help Wanted: Telepath. You know where to apply.

The light at the end of the tunnel has been turned off due to budget cuts.

I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol.

Venison for dinner again? Oh deer!

To err is human – and to blame it on a computer is even more so.

Eagles may soar, but weasels don’t get sucked into jet engines.

Show me a piano falling down a mineshaft and I’ll show you A-flat minor.

Shin: a device for finding furniture in the dark.

In democracy it’s your vote that counts. In feudalism it’s your count that votes.

You’re not drunk if you can lie on the floor without holding on.

Sheep don’t fly so much as plummet.

Even paranoids have real enemies.

Time is God’s way of keeping everything from happening at once.

System Error - Windows Loaded

Bacteria: the only culture some people have.

Don’t look back. Something may be gaining on you.

Sheep don’t fly so much as plummet.

I don’t approve of political jokes... I’ve seen too many of them get elected.

A day without sun shine is like, you know, night.

People who think they know everything are annoying to those of us who do.

Why is it called tourist season if we can’t shoot at them?

I have had more trouble with myself than with any other man I’ve met.

Heck is where people go who don’t believe in gosh.

This Would Be Really Funny If It Weren’t Happening To Me.

Never argue with an idiot. They drag you down to their level then beat you with experience.

On a tombstone: I TOLD YOU I WAS SICK

“How can a president not be an actor?” – when asked “How could an actor become president?” – Ronald Reagan

I’m sorry; you cannot have an outlook on life because it isn’t responding. Microsoft apologises for any inconvenience.

Jack and Jill did it for the insurance.

Cheer up, the worst is yet to come.

A bird in the hand is safer than one overhead.

Genius is 1% inspiration, and 99% perspiration.

When you do not know what you are doing, do it neatly.

Why is the third hand on the watch called a second hand?

Whenever I feel like exercise, I lie down until the feeling passes.

The surprising thing about young fools is how many survive to become old fools.

If you can’t convince them, confuse them.

How can you come out of a closet if you never went in there in the first place?

Insanity is hereditary; you can get it from your children.

Authority makes some people grow – and others just swell.

They told me I had type A blood, but it was a Type O

Perhaps you’re diagonally parked in a parallel universe?

If you choke a smurf, what colour does it turn?

If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?

Everyone hates me because I’m paranoid.

The trouble with the rat race is that even if you win, you’re still a rat.

Age is a question of mind over matter. If you don’t mind, it don’t matter.

Why don’t you ever see the headline “Psychic Wins Lottery”?

I am not a vegetarian because I love animals; I am a vegetarian because I hate plants.

I don’t necessarily agree with everything I say.

Latest survey shows that 3 out of 4 people make up 75% of the world’s population.

Isn’t having a smoking section in a restaurant like having a peeing section in a swimming pool?

I had some words with my wife, and she had some paragraphs with me.

Partying... oops No Only Parting... sorry

Remember half the people you know are below average.

If you don’t learn to laugh at troubles, you won’t have anything to laugh at when you grow old.

Bachelors know more about women than married men; if they didn’t they’d be married too.

Don’t marry for money. You can borrow it cheaper.

To define recursion, we must first define recursion.

Remember... Marriage is the number one cause of divorce. Statistically, 100% of all divorces started with marriage.

In a Tokyo shop: Our nylons cost more than common, but you’ll find they are best in the long run.

There are very few personal problems that cannot be solved through a suitable application of high explosives.

Statistics are like bikinis – What they reveal is suggestive, but what they conceal is vital.

My reality check just bounced.

The only difference between Genius and Insanity... is success.

Progress was all right. Only it went on too long.

“I have left orders to be awakened at any time in case of national emergency – even if I’m in a Cabinet meeting.” – Ronald Reagan

Is there life before death?

Brain: an apparatus with which we think we think.

Velcro — what a rip off!

Women like silent men. They think they’re listening.

An egotist has one point in his favour – he doesn’t go round talking about other people.

INDECISION is the key to FLEXIBILITY.

Success always occurs in private, and failure in full public view.

You look like a million dollars. All green and wrinkled.

Having more money doesn’t make you happier. I have 50 million dollars but I’m just as happy as when I had 48 million. ~ Arnold Schwarzenegger.

“C++ : Where friends have access to your private members.” — Gavin Russell Baker.

If everything is coming your way, you are probably in the wrong lane.

Lord, if you won’t make me skinny, please make all my friends fat.

Don’t stop to stomp on ants when the elephants are stampeding.

Anything not nailed down is mine. Anything I can pry loose is not nailed down.

If you can’t dazzle them with brilliance... just baffle them with bullsh*t.

How do you keep an Irishman busy? Write P.T.O on both sides of a piece of paper.

Leftists are among the first to speak of their rights.

The short fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.

He who smiles in a crisis has found someone to blame.

Two strings walk into a bar. The first string says to the bartender, “Bartender, I’ll have a beer. u.5n$x5t?*&4ru!2[sACCErJ”. The second string says, “Pardon my friend, he isn’t NULL terminated”.

The amount of work to be done increases in proportion to the amount of work already completed. — VAIL’S SECOND AXIOM

Smith & Wesson — the original point and click interface.

Nick Overruled - Democratic Majority Decision

If at first you don’t succeed, try management.

The only reason some people get lost in thought is because it’s unfamiliar territory.

This mind intentionally left blank

My mind not only wanders, sometimes it leaves completely.

Why is it that doctors call what they do “practice”?

From the moment I picked your book up until I laid it down I was convulsed with laughter. Some day I intend reading it.

The truth is a precious commodity. That’s why I use it so sparingly.

Marathon runners with bad footwear suffer the agony of defeat.

If it weren’t for the last minute, nothing would ever get done.

Honk if you love peace and quiet.

England has no kidney bank, but it does have a Liverpool.

To succeed in politics, it is often necessary to rise above your principles.

“The generation of random numbers is too important to be left to chance.” — Robert R. Coveyou, Oak Ridge National Laboratory.

Pardon my driving, I am reloading.

Every time I look at you I get a fierce desire to be lonesome.

The illegal we do immediately. The unconstitutional takes a little longer. – Henry Kissinger

Lots of people know a good thing the minute the other fellow sees it first.

My husband says I never listen to him (at least I think that’s what he said)

Vote for the man who promises least; he’ll be the least disappointing.

Hang in there; retirement is only thirty years away.

Money can’t buy happiness, but it sure makes misery easier to live with.

Half of being smart is knowing what you are dumb at.

I married Miss Right. I just didn’t know her first name was Always.

I have noticed that the people who are late are often so much jollier that the people who have to wait for them.

Constipated People Don’t Give A Crap.

There is nothing so annoying as to have two people go right on talking when you’re interrupting.

“My computer NEVER loc

How do you know if a fish is Irish? It has drowned.

Who is General Failure and why is he reading my hard disk?

I spilled spot remover on my dog. Now he’s gone.

If you can stay calm, while all around you is chaos... then you probably haven’t completely understood the situation.

If the human brain were so simple that we could understand it, we would be so simple we couldn’t.

Errors have been made. Others will be blamed.

The difference between a stepping-stone and a stumbling block can be when you see it.

Being single is like a vacuum. It sucks when you are turned on.

Ninety-nine per cent of the people in the world are fools and the rest of us are in great danger of contagion.

It is hard to understand how a cemetery raised its burial charges and blamed it on the cost of living.

Be careful when reading health books; you may die of a misprint.

Borrow money from pessimists- they don’t expect to get it back.

AIBOHPHOBIA – the fear of palindromes.

If you can’t convince them, confuse them.

I think that’s how Chicago got started. A bunch of people in New York said, “Gee, I’m enjoying the crime and the poverty, but it just isn’t cold enough. Let’s go west.”—Richard Jeni

I didn’t like my beard at first. Then it grew on me.

I haven’t spoken to my wife for 18 months: I don’t like to interrupt her.

I’d like to see things your way, but I’m looking in another direction.

It’s just a job. Grass grows, birds fly, waves pound the sand. I just beat people up. – Muhammad Ali

How do you sink an Irish Submarine? Knock on the hatch.

If at first you don’t succeed, destroy all the evidence that you tried.

“I could tell that my parents hated me. My bath toys were a toaster and a radio” — Rodney Dangerfield

Seen it all, done it all, can’t remember most of it.

“I wish everyone was peaceful. Then I could take over the planet with a butter knife”—Dogbert

If you can’t beat your computer at chess, try kickboxing.

If all you have is a hammer, everything looks like a nail.

When a clock is hungry, it goes back four seconds.

Some pain is physical, and some is mental, but one that’s both is dental.

If the French were really intelligent, they’d speak English.

I like kids, but I don’t think I could eat a whole one.

If trees could scream, would we be so cavalier about cutting them down? We might, if they screamed all the time, for no good reason.

Hard work never killed anybody but why take the chance?

Eschew obfuscation.

Knowledge is the key, but where is the damn lock?

Youth would be an ideal state if it came a little later in life.

When I’m not in my right mind, my left mind gets pretty crowded

Being in the army is like being in the Boy Scouts, except that the Boy Scouts have adult supervision.

Anything not nailed down is a cat toy.

I always wanted to be somebody, but I should have been more specific.

I get enough exercise just pushing my luck.

He does the work of three men: Larry, Moe and Curly.

Does your train of thought have a caboose?

Compromise: the art of dividing a cake so that everybody believes he or she got the biggest piece.

What if there were no hypothetical questions?

Don’t Be Sexist – Broads Hate That.

“On two occasions I have been asked [by members of Parliament!]: ‘Pray, Mr. Babbage, if you put into the machine wrong figures, will the right answers come out ?’ I am not able rightly to apprehend the kind of confusion of ideas that could provoke such a question.” — Charles Babbage.

I’m in no shape to exercise.

Be thankful for problems. If they were less difficult, someone with less ability might have your job.

If money talks, it ain’t on speakin’ terms with me.

Santa’s helpers are subordinate clauses.

If con is the opposite of pro, congress is the opposite of progress.

For Sale: Parachute. Only used once, never opened, small stain.

Before marriage, a man yearns for the woman he loves. After marriage, the ‘Y’ becomes silent.

They say if you play a Microsoft CD backwards you hear satanic messages. That’s nothing, if you play it forwards it installs Windows.

If it’s true that we are here to help others, then what exactly are the others here for?

When life hands you a lemon, make lemonade.

“I am not worried about the deficit. It is big enough to take care of itself.” – Ronald Reagan

Quantum mechanics: The dreams stuff is made of.

Outside a Hong Kong tailor shop: Ladies may have a fit upstairs.

Always remember you’re unique, just like everyone else.

If puns were outlawed, only outlaws would have puns.

Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.

In this world, nothing is certain but death and taxes. – Benjamin Franklin

I fear my inferiority complex is not as good as yours.

Some people are alive only because it’s illegal to kill them.

Money is better than poverty, if only for financial reasons.

When all other means of communication fail, try words.

Ours is a world where people don’t know what they want and are willing to go through hell to get it.

Without question, the greatest invention in the history of mankind is beer. Oh, I grant you that the wheel was also a fine invention, but the wheel does not go nearly as well with pizza.

Cleverly Disguised As A Responsible Adult.

If you’re not confused, you’re not paying attention.

Any ship can be a minesweeper... once.

Never put both feet in your mouth at the same time, because then you don’t have a leg to stand on.

e=mc^2 where m = the number of cooks required to spoil the broth

My favorite mythical creature? The honest politician.

One should forgive one’s enemies, but not before they are hanged.

Snowmen fall from Heaven unassembled.

If quizzes are quizzical, what are tests?

Someday we’ll look back on all this and plow into the back of a parked car.

Gossip: The art of saying nothing while leaving nothing unsaid.

It is even harder for the average ape to believe that he has descended from man.

In a Norwegian cocktail lounge: Ladies are requested not to have children in the bar.

A diplomatic husband said to his wife, how do you expect me to remember your birthday when you never look any older?

If I were someone who knew something, who could I tell that would believe me?

I don’t want to achieve immortality through my work. I want to achieve immortality through not dying.

“Reading computer manuals without the hardware is as frustrating as reading sex manuals without the software.” — Arthur C. Clarke.

Never underestimate the power of very stupid people in large groups.

What does a clock do when it’s hungry? It goes back four seconds.

Man who run behind car get exhausted.

Streakers beware: Your end is in sight.

Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don’t.

If you think nobody cares if you’re alive, try missing a couple of car payments.

My life has a superb cast but I can’t figure out the plot.

A guy got arrested for playing the guitar. He was fingering a minor.

The earthquake in Washington obviously was the government’s fault.

Age always corresponds inversely to the size of your multivitamin.

In a Copenhagen airline ticket office: We take your bags and send them in all directions.

“A girl phoned me the other day and said... Come on over, there’s nobody home. I went over. Nobody was home” — Rodney Dangerfield

Love is blind, but marriage is a real eye-opener.

“You start coding. I’ll go find out what they want.” — Computer analyst to programmer

The most powerful force in the universe is gossip.

Democracy is a government where you can say what you think even if you don’t think.

“Reader, suppose you were an idiot. And suppose you were a member of Congress. But I repeat myself”. — Mark Twain

I’m an idealist: I don’t know where I’m going, but I’m on my way.

I either want less corruption, or more chance to participate in it.

Promises are like babies: fun to make, but hell to deliver.

When in trouble, fear or doubt, run in circles, scream and shout.

We spend the first twelve months of our children’s lives teaching them to walk and talk and the next twelve telling them to sit down and shut up.

I often quote myself; it adds spice to my conversation.

Chaos, panic, & disorder – my work here is done.

99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.

A bird does not sing because it has an answer—it sings because it has a song.

Get even – live long enough to be a problem to your kids.

Plagiarism saves time.

Raising teenagers is like trying to nail Jell-O to a tree.

I used to be a banker, but then I lost interest.

Wine divulges truth.

I have spent my whole life looking for the perfect woman, and now I’ve found her. Too bad she’s looking for the perfect man.

How do I set a laser printer to stun?

“Few things are harder to put up with than a good example.”—Mark Twain

If a President doesn’t do it to his wife, he’ll do it to his country.

TEAMWORK... means never having to take all the blame yourself.

The scientific theory I like best is that the rings of Saturn are composed entirely of lost airline luggage.

Being a philosopher, I have a problem for every solution.

Just because your head is the biggest doesn’t mean it contains the right ideas.

No problem is so big and complicated that it can’t be ran away from.

Doctor, Doctor You’ve got to help me – I just can’t stop my hands shaking. Do you drink a lot? Not really – I spill most of it!

Does this smell like chloroform to you?

Restarting System - Mouse Moved

A great many people think they are thinking when they are merely rearranging their prejudices.

I dropped out of communism class because of lousy Marx.

Chipped dishes never break.

If it’s 0 degrees today and it’s going to be twice as cold tomorrow... how cold will it be?

If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?

Everybody is ignorant, only on different subjects.

Everyone needs belief in something. I believe I’ll have another beer.

Consciousness: that annoying time between naps.

Why does Sea World have a seafood restaurant? I’m halfway through my fish burger and I realize, Oh my gosh... I could be eating a slow learner.

A conclusion is simply the place where you got tired of thinking.

Did you hear about the cross-eyed teacher who lost her job because she couldn’t control her pupils?

What Has Four Legs And An Arm? A Happy Pit Bull.

One martini is all right, two is too many, and three is not enough.

Don’t talk unless you can improve the silence.

“War does not determine who is right - only who is left.” – Bertrand Russell

At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be “What is hell?” Come early and listen to our choir practice.

By the time a man realises that his father was right, he has a son who thinks he’s wrong.

It’s not that I’m afraid to die; I just don’t want to be there when it happens.

A backwards poet writes inverse.

All my life, I always wanted to be somebody. Now I see that I should have been more specific.

Englishmen never will be slaves: they are free to do whatever the Government and public opinion allow them to do.

Not all men are annoying. Some are dead.

You have the right to your opinions. I just don’t want to hear them.

If you don’t know where you are going, you might wind up someplace else.

Murphy’s Golden Rule: Whoever has the gold makes the rules.

“Always be sincere, even when you don’t mean it”. — Irene Peter

There is no such thing as an underestimate of average intelligence

Plato is dead, Einstein is dead, and I’m not feeling too good myself...

I love deadlines. I especially like the whooshing sound they make as they go flying by.

“You have to be careful about being too careful” – Beryl Pfizer

An Apple a day keeps the doctor away. But... an onion a day keeps everyone away.

On the keyboard of life, always keep one finger on the escape key.

Pick your friends but not to pieces.

Time’s fun when you’re having flies... Kermit the Frog

Advertisement for donkey rides in Thailand: Would you like to ride on your own ass?

You have to stay in shape. My grandmother, she started walking five miles a day when she was 60. She’s 97 today and we don’t know where the hell she is.

Red Tape Holds Up New Bridge!

Laughing stock: cattle with a sense of humour.

Time flies like an arrow – fruit flies like a banana.

Time sneaks up on you like a windshield on a bug.

It has recently been discovered that research causes cancer in rats.

The early bird gets the worm, but the early worm gets eaten.

After all is said and done, more is said than done.

Life is complex: it has real and imaginary parts.

Cab drivers are living proof that practice does not make perfect.

I know a guy who is addicted to brake fluid. He says he can stop anytime.

There are two kinds of people, those who finish what they start, and so on.

I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.

Eagles may soar, but weasels don’t get sucked into jet engines.

A conscience does not prevent sin. It only prevents you from enjoying it.

Don’t be irreplaceable; if you cannot be replaced, you cannot be promoted.

My husband and I divorced over religious differences... He thought he was God and I didn’t.

A cartoonist was found dead in his home. Details are sketchy.

To B or not to B? *kills the B* I HATE BEES!!!! – LynxofCP

Never go to a doctor whose office plants have died.

Military intelligence is a contradiction in terms.

The sooner you fall behind the more time you’ll have to catch up.

Sometimes I think the surest sign that intelligent life exists elsewhere in the universe is that none of it has tried to contact us.

Most vegetarians look so much like the food they eat that they can be classified as cannibals.

On the other hand you have different fingers.

Anger is only one letter away from danger.

I wondered why the baseball was getting bigger. Then it hit me.

I stayed up all night to see where the sun went. Then it dawned on me.

God must love stupid people, he made so many.

Where there’s a will, I want to be in it.

What hair color do they put on the driver’s licenses of bald men?

Good judgement comes from experience. Experience comes from bad judgement.

They say you only use ten percent of your brain. What about the other ten?

Mines are equal opportunity weapons.

Every morning is the dawn of a new error.

Experience is simply the name we give our mistakes.

I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.

The trouble with life is there’s no background music.

If people concentrated on the really important things in life, there’d be a shortage of fishing poles.

Get a new car for your spouse – it’ll be a great trade!

How did Moses make his tea? Hebrews it.

“You, you and you: panic. The rest of you, come with me.”

It is said that if you line up all the cars in the world end to end, someone would be stupid enough to try and pass them.

I installed a skylight in my apartment. The people who live above me are furious.

Conscience is the inner voice warning us that someone may be looking.

I’m not afraid of heights, only widths.

People can be divided into three groups: Those who make things happen, those who watch things happen, and those who wonder what happened.

Some people are going to leave a mark on this world, while others will leave a stain.

In the beginning, there was nothing. Then God said, “Let there be light,” and there was still nothing, but you could see it.

If automobiles had followed the same development cycle as the computer, a Rolls Royce would today cost $100, get a million miles per gallon, and explode once a year, killing everyone inside.

I have a simple philosophy. Fill what’s empty. Empty what’s full. Scratch where it itches.

I spent most of my money on booze, drugs and women... The rest I wasted!

Just because you’re not paranoid doesn’t mean they’re not out to get you.

Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

Make sure your mind isn’t so open that your brains fall out.

“Are you going to come quietly, or do I have to use earplugs?”—Vale Spike Milligan

I have great faith in fools; my friends call it self-confidence.

For people who like peace and quiet – a phoneless cord.

I am a nobody, nobody is perfect, therefore I’m perfect.

The best computer is a man, and it’s the only one that can be mass-produced by unskilled labour.

Why do we wash bath towels, aren’t we clean when we use them?

Solitude is fine, but you need someone to tell you that solitude is fine.

Two signs from a Majorcan shop entrance: English well speaking / Here speeching American.

If olive oil comes from olives, where does baby oil come from?

It is a fitting irony that under Richard Nixon, ‘launder’ became a dirty word.

The man who fell into an upholstery machine is fully recovered.

My girlfriend told me I should be more affectionate. So I got two more girlfriends.

Killed - Personality Incompatibility

When angry count four, when very angry, swear.

Everything you like is bad for you in some way.

Confidence is the feeling you have before you understand the situation.

Don’t use a big word where a diminutive one will suffice.

That which cannot be taken apart will fall apart.

When you are arguing with an idiot, make sure the other person isn’t doing the same thing.

He who laughs last thinks slowest.

An egotist is a person of low taste—more interested in himself than in me.

Procrastinate Now!

How Many Roads Must A Man Travel Down Before He Admits He Is Lost?

I intend to live forever – so far, so good.

It is not my interest to pay the principal, nor my principal to pay the interest.

Once, during prohibition, I was forced to live for days on nothing but food and water.

I hope that after I die, people will say of me: “That guy sure owed me a lot of money.”

Honesty is the best policy, but insanity is a better defence.

My schoolmates would make love to anything that moved, but I never saw any reason to limit myself.

Bigamy is having one wife too many. Monogamy is the same. – Oscar Wilde

“Things are more like they are now than they ever were before.” – Former U.S. President Dwight D. Eisenhower

We must believe in free will, we have no choice.

Everybody is somebody else’s weirdo.

You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say will be misquoted then used against you.

This girl said she recognized me from the vegetarian club, but I’d never met herbivore

I’ve always wanted to be normal, but lately I’ve come to suspect that this is it.

I generally avoid temptation unless I can’t resist it.

Tip the world over on its side and everything loose will land in Los Angeles.

There are 10 types of people in the world: Those who understand binary, and those who don’t.

I wonder how much deeper would the ocean be without sponges.

Man shoots neighbour with machete [The Miami Herald, July 3]

Make three correct guesses consecutively and you will establish yourself as an expert.

Jokes about German sausage are the wurst.

A person who smiles in the face of adversity... probably has a scapegoat.

As the light changed from red to green to yellow and back to red again, I sat there thinking about life. Was it nothing more than a bunch of honking and yelling? Sometimes it seemed that way.

Anyone can admit they were wrong; the true test is admitting it to someone else.

If someone with multiple personalities threatens suicide... is it considered a hostage situation?

Before you give a colleague a piece of your mind, be sure you can spare it.

If you don’t know where you are going, you will wind up somewhere else.

Lead us not into temptation. Just tell us where it is; we’ll find it.

“I think there is a world market for maybe five computers.” — Thomas Watson, chairman of IBM, 1943.

He’s not dead, he’s electroencephalographically challenged.

Be kind to your dentist. He has fillings, too.

I used to think I was indecisive, but now I’m not sure.

There’s a difference between being open-minded and having a hole in your head

Never put off until tomorrow what you can avoid altogether.

In a Budapest zoo: Please do not feed the animals. If you have any suitable food, give it to the guard on duty.

I started out with nothing, and I still have most of it.

“Heavier-than-air flying machines are impossible.” — Lord Kelvin, president, Royal Society, 1895.

Cluster bombing from B-52s is very, very accurate – the bombs always hit the ground.

Modesty is a virtue of fools.

“Oh dear,” said God, “I hadn’t thought of that,” and promptly vanished in a puff of logic.

I tried to photograph the fog, but I mist.

Prediction is extremely difficult. Especially about the future.

I used to be a Kleptomaniac, But now I’m taking something for it

It is wiser to find out than to suppose.—Mark Twain

When your IQ reaches 80 –– sell.

111,111,111 x 111,111,111 = 12,345,678,987,654,321

It’s strange, isn’t it. You stand in the middle of a library and go aaaaagghhhh’ and everyone just stares at you. But you do the same thing on an aeroplane, and everyone joins in.

Time is a great teacher, but unfortunately it kills all its pupils.

Instead of getting married again, I’m going to find a woman I don’t like and just give her a house.—Rod Stewart

If sex is such a natural phenomenon, how come there are so many books on how to do it.

It’s not true that married men live longer than single men. It only seems longer.

I’ve been trying for some time to develop a life style that doesn’t require my presence.

Work: It isn’t just for sleeping anymore.

“Inconceivable!” “I do not think that word means what you think it means.”

Marriage changes passion... suddenly you’re in bed with a relative.

Artificial Intelligence is no match for Natural Stupidity.

Nothing means nothing, but it isn’t really nothing because nothing is something that isn’t.

Programmer – A red-eyed, mumbling mammal capable of conversing with inanimate objects.

“Then he ran into my knife. He ran into my knife ten times.” – Chicago

“I would like to live in Manchester, England. The transition between Manchester and death would be unnoticeable”. — Mark Twain

A dyslexic man walks into a bra.

I like children. Properly cooked.

The number of people watching you is directly proportional to the stupidity of your action.

If the world should blow itself up, the last audible voice would be that of an expert saying it can’t be done.

Living is not worth dying for.

“Managing senior programmers is like herding cats” — Dave Platt.

Climbers aim for the summit because it is there. Bungi jumpers dive off the top because they aren’t all there.

Blessed are those who can laugh at themselves, they will never cease to be amused.

The trouble with jogging is that, by the time you realise you’re not in shape for it, it’s far too far to walk back.

Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

If ever I get married again it would have to be under an anaesthetic.

Why is it that to stop Windows, you have to click on “Start”?

I took an IQ test and the results were negative.

Sometimes I wake up grumpy; other times I let her sleep

I always wanted to be a procrastinator, never got around to it though.

If I were two-faced, would I be wearing this one?

Plan to be spontaneous tomorrow.

“You can always count on Americans to do the right thing—after they’ve tried everything else” – Winston Churchill

A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a train stops. On my desk I have a workstation...

A clean tie attracts the soup of the day.

This guy walks into a bar and the barman says “Ouch, that must have hurt”

I have kleptomania, but when it gets bad, I take something for it. ~ Robert Benchle

“He has been given a large brain by mistake, since for him the spinal cord would fully suffice.” — Albert Einstein

Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?

People with narrow minds usually have broad tongues.

If I have to work for an idiot, I might as well work for myself.

“There are two major products that come out of Berkeley: LSD and UNIX. We don’t believe this to be a coincidence.” — Jeremy S. Anderson

What happens if you get scared half to death twice?

I don’t enjoy computer jokes; not one bit.

I don’t meet competition. I crush it

If you’re born again, do you have two bellybuttons?

I am obviously right, and as you disagree with me, then logically you must be wrong.

The shortest distance between two points is under construction.

My mind works like lightning. One brilliant flash and it is gone.

I don’t have a solution but I admire the problem.

“I worked in a pet shop and people kept asking how big I’d get” — Rodney Dangerfield

I majored in liberal arts. Will that be for here or to go?

I did a theatrical performance about puns. It was a play on words.

Doctor, Doctor I keep getting pains in the eye when I drink coffee. Have you tried taking the spoon out?

“I’ve been on a calendar but I have never been on time” – Marilyn Monroe

You can say any foolish thing to a dog, and the dog will give you a look that says, “My God, you’re right! I never would’ve thought of that!”

Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.

Accept that some days you’re the pigeon, and some days you’re the statue.

Haunted French pancakes give me the crêpes.

Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying of nothing.

The art of flying is to throw yourself at the ground and miss.

Shin: a device for finding furniture in the dark.

It is hard enough to remember my opinions, without also remembering my reasons for them!

“My wife made me join a bridge club. I jump off next Tuesday” — Rodney Dangerfield

It’s bad luck to be superstitious.

“Auntie Em: hate you, hate Kansas, taking the dog.” – Dorothy

What sane person could live in this world and not be crazy?

You can always spot a well-informed man – his views are the same as yours.

“If carrots are so good for the eyes, how come I see so many dead rabbits on the highway?”

What do you call a dinosaur with an extensive vocabulary? A thesaurus.

Better to remain silent and be thought a fool, than to speak and remove all doubt.

The fellow who thinks he knows it all is especially annoying to those of us who do.

Mental Floss prevents Moral Decay.

Men occasionally stumble over the truth, but most of them pick themselves up and hurry off as if nothing had happened. – Winston Churchill

“#define QUESTION ((bb) || !(bb))” — Shakespeare

“The web is a dominatrix. Every where I turn, I see little buttons ordering me to Submit.” — Nytwind.

When in doubt, mumble.

Where you stand depends on where you sit.

I don’t suffer from stress. I’m a carrier.

We Quit Voting Will They All Go Away?

There are two types of people in this world, good and bad. The good sleep better, but the bad seem to enjoy the waking hours much more.

Cole’s Law: Thinly sliced cabbage.

If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?

A bargain is something you don’t need at a price you can’t resist.

A baby sitter is a teenager acting like an adult while the adults are out acting like teenagers.

As a final incentive before giving up a difficult task, try to imagine it successfully accomplished by someone you violently dislike.

Next time you wave, use all your fingers.

“This report, by its very length, defends itself against the risk of being read”. — Winston Churchill

If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?

“The best thing about the future is that it comes only one day at a time.” – Abraham Lincoln

This comment is printed on 100% recycled electrons.

An Irish man was driving to the airport when he saw a sign saying ‘Airport – Left’... So he went home.

In the office of a Roman doctor: Specialist in women and other diseases.

Life is far too important to be taken seriously.

I want to die peacefully in my sleep like my grandfather, not screaming in abject horror like his passengers.

“Life is a waste of time, time is a waste of life, so get wasted all of the time and have the time of your life”. — Tom Waits

Bacteria: the only culture some people have.

Hypochondria is the only disease I haven’t got.

Democracy is the recurrent suspicion that more than half of the people are right more than half of the time.

If life was fair, Elvis would be alive and all the impersonators would be dead.

I used to think I was indecisive, but now I’m not sure.

“I’ve noticed that everyone who is for abortion has already been born.” – Ronald Reagan

Work expands to fill the time available. — PARKINSON’S LAW

Moderation in all things, including moderation.

I’m reading a book about anti-gravity. I can’t put it down.

It’s not hard to meet expenses, they’re everywhere.

Man who drive like hell bound to get there.

Bachelors have consciences, married men have wives.

“I believe in equality for everyone, except reporters and photographers”. — Gandhi

I heard a man say that brigands demand your money or your life, whereas women require both.

“The object of war is not to die for your country but to make the other bastard die for his.” – General George Patton

Needing someone is like needing a parachute. If he isn’t there the first time you need him, chances are you won’t be needing him again.

PMS jokes aren’t funny. Period.

Life... I don’t get it...

It doesn’t matter what temperature the room is; it’s always room temperature.

I love being married. It’s so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.

If you try and don’t succeed, cheat. Repeat until caught. Then lie.

I laugh in the face of danger, except if I’m involved.

Age is an issue of mind over matter. If you don’t mind, it doesn’t matter.

A synonym is a word you use when you can’t spell the word you first thought of.

Smoking cures weight problems...eventually...

Everybody is ignorant, only on different subjects.

“If builders built buildings the way programmers write programs, then the first woodpecker that came along would destroy civilization” — Weinberg’s Second Law.

Always do sober what you said you’d do drunk. That will teach you to keep your mouth shut.

I’m not into working out. My philosophy: No pain, no pain.

Nobody can be exactly like me. Even I have trouble doing it.

It used to be only death and taxes were inevitable. Now, of course, there’s shipping and handling, too.

Some people are alive only because it’s illegal to kill them.

Jokes about German sausage are the wurst.

I used to find him boring until I stopped listening.

My one regret in life is that I am not someone else.

I arise in the morning torn between a desire to improve the world and a desire to enjoy the world. This makes it hard to plan the day.

The human brain is a wonderful thing. It starts working the moment you are born, and never stops until you stand up to speak in public.

I’m desperately trying to figure out why kamikaze pilots wore helmets.

The world is full of willing people; some willing to work, the rest willing to let them.

System Error - Windows Loaded

“I’d rather have a bottle in front of me, than a frontal lobotomy”. — Tom Waits

Sex on television can’t hurt you unless you fall off.

Connection Reset - Insufficient Electrons

Well, if I called the wrong number, why did you answer the phone?

Slow is when someone laps you in the hundred-yard dash

Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.

Anywhere is walking distance, if you’ve got the time.

I hate women because they always know where things are.

Of course, we are all worms—but I like to think, at least, that I am a glow-worm. – Winston Churchill

Somewhere on this globe, every ten seconds, is a woman giving birth to a child. She must be found and stopped.

Everybody has a photographic memory. Some don’t have film.

A study in the Washington Post says that women have better verbal skills than men. I just want to say to the authors of that study: “Duh.”— Conan O’Brien

Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7th of your life.

Blessed are the young, for they shall inherit the national debt.

The day I can’t do my job drunk is the day I turn in my badge and gun.

If we aren’t supposed to eat animals, why are they made of meat?

Madness takes its toll. Please have exact change.

Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way when you criticize them, you are a mile away from them and you have their shoes.

It is not what a teenager knows that bothers his parents. It is how he found out.

Caution – Driver Legally Blonde!

“There is no reason anyone would want a computer in their home.” — Ken Olson, founder of Digital Equipment Corp., 1977.

If you do not make dust, you eat dust.

Everything is possible; just not too probable.

I changed my iPod’s name to Titanic. It’s syncing now.

The only perfect science is hindsight.

Why is the man that invests your money called a broker?

There are two kinds of people, those who finish what they start, and so on.

Originality is the fine art of remembering what you hear, but forgetting where you heard it.

Stupidity is not a handicap! Park somewhere else!

IRS: We’ve got what it takes to take what you’ve got.

Tell me what you need, and I’ll tell you how to get along without it.

I plead contemporary insanity.

Seeing a murder on television...will help work off one’s antagonisms. And if you haven’t any antagonisms, the commercials will give you some.

Computers make it easy to do a lot of things, but most of the things that make it easier to do don’t need to be done.

The dictionary is the only place where success comes before work.

Support bacteria – they’re the only culture some people have.

Under capitalism, man exploits man. Under Communism, it’s just the opposite.

Be nice to your kids. They’ll choose your nursing home.

Abel Tasman on discovering Tasmania, “Too far south for spices and too close to the rim of the earth to be inhabited by anything but freaks and monsters”

It’s easy to quit smoking... I’ve done it over 10,000 times.

Last night I lay in bed looking up at the stars in the sky and I thought to myself, “Where the heck is the ceiling?”

Love is like an hourglass, with the heart filling up as the brain empties.

Broken pencils are pointless.

Save the whales. Collect the whole set.

I married my wife for her looks... but not the ones she’s been giving me lately!

Half our life is spent trying to find something to do with the time we have rushed through life trying to save.

Oh, don’t fuss. I just cut myself. It’s no big deal,” REALLY MEANS, “I have actually severed a limb, but will bleed to death before I admit I’m hurt.”

Democracy is a process by which people are free to choose the man who will get the blame.

I am amazed at radio DJ’s today. I am firmly convinced that AM on my radio stands for Absolute Moron. I will not begin to tell you what FM stands for.

The sooner you fall behind the more time you’ll have to catch up.

No sense being pessimistic, it probably wouldn’t work anyway.

Remember, half the people you know are below average.

Friends may come and go, but enemies accumulate

The chance of a piece of bread falling with the buttered side down is directly proportional to the cost of the carpet.

According to recent study someone is run over by a car every 5 minutes in the city. You’d think the guy would have enough sense to get out of the street.

I wished the buck stopped here, as I could use a few.

I have gone to look for myself, if I should return before I get back, keep me here.

I tried sniffing Coke once, but the ice cubes got stuck in my nose.

I’m an apathetic sociopath – I’d kill you if I cared.

I don’t like people who take drugs... Customs Officers for example.

Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?

“Hey, I’ve got reasons for what I’m doing,” REALLY MEANS, “I sure hope I think of some pretty soon.”

If at first you do succeed, try to hide your astonishment.

Half of the people in the world are below average.

Everybody lies, but it doesn’t matter since nobody listens.

Brilliant, but with the social skills of a thermonuclear device.

There’s a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot.

“Your mouse has moved. Windows must be restarted for the change to take effect. Reboot now ? [OK]”

I took a speed reading course and read ‘War and Peace’ in twenty minutes. It involves Russia. Enough women for four.

There are only three kinds of people; people who can count and people who can’t.

When you come to a fork in the road, take it.

If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?

At the age of six I wanted to be a cook. At seven I wanted to be Napoleon. And my ambition has been growing steadily ever since.

Foolproof systems don’t take into account the ingenuity of fools.

There are 3 kinds of people: those who can count and those who can’t.

Is Disney World the only people trap operated by a mouse?

All men are equal. Some are just more equal than others.

“As a matter of fact” is an expression that precedes many an expression that isn’t.

Technology is a way of organizing the universe so that man doesn’t have to experience it.

Acupuncture is a jab well done.

“When in doubt tell the truth.”—Mark Twain

I’d give my right arm to be ambidextrous.

I Haven’t Lost My Mind, It’s Backed Up On Disk Somewhere.

Impotence: Nature’s Way Of Saying “No Hard Feelings”.

History will be kind to me for I intend to write it. – Winston Churchill

Fundamentalism: Believe in a kind, loving God or we’ll kill you!

Legend: a lie that has attained the dignity of age.

One of the greatest labour-saving inventions today is tomorrow.

Years ago fairy tales began with “Once upon a time...” Now it’s “If I am elected...”

It is well to remember the entire population of the universe, with one trifling exception, is composed of others.

Some people say that I must be a horrible person, but that’s not true. I have the heart of a young boy – in a jar on my desk.

“Everyday I beat my own previous record for number of consecutive days I’ve stayed alive.”

It’s important to be open-minded, but not SO open-minded that your brains fall out.

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