Amusing Quotes & One-Liners

Borrow money from pessimists- they don’t expect to get it back.

“A girl phoned me the other day and said... Come on over, there’s nobody home. I went over. Nobody was home” — Rodney Dangerfield

Does your train of thought have a caboose?

My favorite mythical creature? The honest politician.

The amount of work to be done increases in proportion to the amount of work already completed. — VAIL’S SECOND AXIOM

The trouble with jogging is that, by the time you realise you’re not in shape for it, it’s far too far to walk back.

Love is blind, but marriage is a real eye-opener.

Birthdays are good for you. Statistics show that the people who have the most live the longest.

Heck is where people go who don’t believe in gosh.

Democracy is a process by which people are free to choose the man who will get the blame.

Before marriage, a man yearns for the woman he loves. After marriage, the ‘Y’ becomes silent.

Conscience is the inner voice warning us that someone may be looking.

There’s a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot.

System Error - Windows Loaded

“I have left orders to be awakened at any time in case of national emergency – even if I’m in a Cabinet meeting.” – Ronald Reagan

Needing someone is like needing a parachute. If he isn’t there the first time you need him, chances are you won’t be needing him again.

I have a simple philosophy. Fill what’s empty. Empty what’s full. Scratch where it itches.

Somewhere on this globe, every ten seconds, is a woman giving birth to a child. She must be found and stopped.

I majored in liberal arts. Will that be for here or to go?

A committee is a body that keeps minutes and wastes hours.

Next time you wave, use all your fingers.

If you don’t know where you are going, you might wind up someplace else.

I have had more trouble with myself than with any other man I’ve met.

Why were the Indians here first? They had reservations.

Oh, don’t fuss. I just cut myself. It’s no big deal,” REALLY MEANS, “I have actually severed a limb, but will bleed to death before I admit I’m hurt.”

If at first you do succeed, try to hide your astonishment.

Experience is simply the name we give our mistakes.

Everything you like is bad for you in some way.

Statistics are like bikinis – What they reveal is suggestive, but what they conceal is vital.

The illegal we do immediately. The unconstitutional takes a little longer. – Henry Kissinger

Man who run in front of car get tired.

I changed my iPod’s name to Titanic. It’s syncing now.

You’ll never get to heaven if you’re scared of getting high.

I am not a vegetarian because I love animals; I am a vegetarian because I hate plants.

Applying computer technology is simply finding the right wrench to pound in the correct screw.

It is well to remember the entire population of the universe, with one trifling exception, is composed of others.

How do you know if a fish is Irish? It has drowned.

One of the greatest labour-saving inventions today is tomorrow.

“C++ : Where friends have access to your private members.” — Gavin Russell Baker.

Best way to get a man to do something, is to suggest they are too old for it.

It used to be only death and taxes were inevitable. Now, of course, there’s shipping and handling, too.

I like to start my periods with sentences.

Money is better than poverty, if only for financial reasons.

One good thing about repeating your mistakes is that you know when to cringe.

When I was young, I could remember anything. Whether it happened or not.

“You have to be careful about being too careful” – Beryl Pfizer

If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?

Progress was all right. Only it went on too long.

If life was fair, Elvis would be alive and all the impersonators would be dead.

If everything is coming your way, you are probably in the wrong lane.

Raising teenagers is like trying to nail Jell-O to a tree.

If at first you don’t succeed, try management.

Whenever there is any doubt, there is no doubt.

Eat a live toad first thing in the morning, and nothing worse can happen to you the rest of the day.

They say you only use ten percent of your brain. What about the other ten?

Arguing on the Internet is like competing in the Special Olympics – even if you win, you are still retarded.

I was at a bar nursing a beer. My nipple was getting quite soggy.

If you don’t know why I’m mad at you, then I’m certainly not going to tell you

“They say hard work never hurt anybody, but I figure why take the chance.” – Ronald Reagan

If it weren’t for electricity we’d all be watching television by candlelight?

Marriage is a three-ring circus: engagement ring, wedding ring, and suffering.

Anyone who told you to be yourself couldn’t have given you worse advice.

I’m in no shape to exercise.

Perhaps you’re diagonally parked in a parallel universe?

Chipped dishes never break.

Legend: a lie that has attained the dignity of age.

Two signs from a Majorcan shop entrance: English well speaking / Here speeching American.

The dictionary is the only place where success comes before work.

I don’t approve of political jokes... I’ve seen too many of them get elected.

Roses are red, Violets are blue. In Soviet Russia, Poems write you.

If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?

This comment is printed on 100% recycled electrons.

Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7th of your life.

I either want less corruption, or more chance to participate in it.

A team effort is a lot of people doing what I say

“I am not worried about the deficit. It is big enough to take care of itself.” – Ronald Reagan

Politicians are people who, when they see the light at the end of the tunnel, go out and buy more tunnel.

Remember, half the people you know are below average.

Connection Reset - Insufficient Electrons

The early bird gets the worm, but the early worm gets eaten.

Brain: an apparatus with which we think we think.

Well, this day was a total waste of makeup.

There are two types of people in this world, good and bad. The good sleep better, but the bad seem to enjoy the waking hours much more.

This mind intentionally left blank

Tell me what you need, and I’ll tell you how to get along without it.

Always remember you’re unique, just like everyone else.

I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.

This girl said she recognized me from the vegetarian club, but I’d never met herbivore

It’s not true that married men live longer than single men. It only seems longer.

If you want a committed man, look in a mental hospital.

Pardon my driving, I am reloading.

“The generation of random numbers is too important to be left to chance.” — Robert R. Coveyou, Oak Ridge National Laboratory.

Everybody has a photographic memory. Some don’t have film.

You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say will be misquoted then used against you.

Is Disney World the only people trap operated by a mouse?

“I could tell that my parents hated me. My bath toys were a toaster and a radio” — Rodney Dangerfield

If you want your spouse to listen and pay strict attention to every word you say, talk in your sleep.

He who laughs last thinks slowest.

To B or not to B? *kills the B* I HATE BEES!!!! – LynxofCP

People with narrow minds usually have broad tongues.

A hangover is the wrath of grapes.

Modesty is a virtue of fools.

Confidence is the feeling you have before you understand the situation.

Last night I lay in bed looking up at the stars in the sky and I thought to myself, “Where the heck is the ceiling?”

“#define QUESTION ((bb) || !(bb))” — Shakespeare

Haunted French pancakes give me the crêpes.

Anyone can admit they were wrong; the true test is admitting it to someone else.

It’s strange, isn’t it. You stand in the middle of a library and go aaaaagghhhh’ and everyone just stares at you. But you do the same thing on an aeroplane, and everyone joins in.

Never go to a doctor whose office plants have died.

Just because you’re not paranoid doesn’t mean they’re not out to get you.

He’s not dead, he’s electroencephalographically challenged.

A great many people think they are thinking when they are merely rearranging their prejudices.

“Always in motion the future is. Seasick it makes me. That’s why so green I am”. – Yoda

Life is far too important to be taken seriously.

Women like silent men. They think they’re listening.

Cluster bombing from B-52s is very, very accurate – the bombs always hit the ground.

What’s another word for Thesaurus?

Whenever people agree with me, I always feel I must be wrong.

Plan to be spontaneous tomorrow.

A poor excuse is like an old bucket; doesn’t matter what shape it is in, as long as it holds water.

Don’t stop to stomp on ants when the elephants are stampeding.

“How come we choose from just two people to run for president and 50 for Miss America?”

What hair color do they put on the driver’s licenses of bald men?

Eagles may soar, but weasels don’t get sucked into jet engines.

I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.

I heard a man say that brigands demand your money or your life, whereas women require both.

Help Wanted: Telepath. You know where to apply.

Two strings walk into a bar. The first string says to the bartender, “Bartender, I’ll have a beer. u.5n$x5t?*&4ru!2[sACCErJ”. The second string says, “Pardon my friend, he isn’t NULL terminated”.

When you do not know what you are doing, do it neatly.

A bird in the hand is safer than one overhead.

If I have to work for an idiot, I might as well work for myself.

Where there’s a will, I want to be in it.

Doctor, Doctor You’ve got to help me – I just can’t stop my hands shaking. Do you drink a lot? Not really – I spill most of it!

I’m not afraid of heights, only widths.

I fear my inferiority complex is not as good as yours.

Shin: a device for finding furniture in the dark.

I can resist everything except temptation.

Why is it that doctors call what they do “practice”?

“This report, by its very length, defends itself against the risk of being read”. — Winston Churchill

Fundamentalism: Believe in a kind, loving God or we’ll kill you!

Foolproof systems don’t take into account the ingenuity of fools.

Technology is a way of organizing the universe so that man doesn’t have to experience it.

That which cannot be taken apart will fall apart.

Don’t marry for money. You can borrow it cheaper.

I’d like to see things your way, but I’m looking in another direction.

Blessed are those who can laugh at themselves, they will never cease to be amused.

Eschew obfuscation.

On the other hand you have different fingers.

I’m not dumb; I just have a command of thoroughly useless information.

Cheerfulness is contagious, but don’t wait to catch it from others. Be a carrier.

I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol.

The most precious thing we have is life. Yet it has absolutely no trade-in value.

The doctor can bury his mistakes but an architect can only advise his client to plant vines.

I generally avoid temptation unless I can’t resist it.

When angry count four, when very angry, swear.

Brilliant, but with the social skills of a thermonuclear device.

Everyone needs belief in something. I believe I’ll have another beer.

I used to think I was indecisive, but now I’m not sure.

Ever stop to think and forget to start again?

Even paranoids have real enemies.

There is no such thing as an underestimate of average intelligence

I love cats – they taste just like chicken.

Sheep don’t fly so much as plummet.

Sex on television can’t hurt you unless you fall off.

Make sure your mind isn’t so open that your brains fall out.

Abel Tasman on discovering Tasmania, “Too far south for spices and too close to the rim of the earth to be inhabited by anything but freaks and monsters”

The more time you spend in reporting on what you are doing, the less time you have to do it in. Stability is achieved when you spend all your time doing nothing but reporting on the nothing you are doing.

My schoolmates would make love to anything that moved, but I never saw any reason to limit myself.

I used to be a Kleptomaniac, But now I’m taking something for it

The only perfect science is hindsight.

I guess traffic in the city is improving a little. Yesterday, I drove clear across town and only had to shave twice.

Half our life is spent trying to find something to do with the time we have rushed through life trying to save.

The things that come to those that wait may be the things left by those who got there first.

I want to die peacefully in my sleep like my grandfather, not screaming in abject horror like his passengers.

“Then he ran into my knife. He ran into my knife ten times.” – Chicago

Nobody can be exactly like me. Even I have trouble doing it.

I took a speed reading course and read ‘War and Peace’ in twenty minutes. It involves Russia. Enough women for four.

After all is said and done, more is said than done.

The beatings will continue until morale improves.

Killed - Personality Incompatibility

Laughing stock: cattle with a sense of humour.

Go the extra mile. It makes your boss look like an incompetent slacker.

Booze is the answer. I don’t remember the question.

Accept that some days you’re the pigeon, and some days you’re the statue.

If you don’t pay your exorcist you get repossessed.

There’s a difference between being open-minded and having a hole in your head

Despite the cost of living it’s still very popular.

Cleverly Disguised As A Responsible Adult.

Any task worth doing was worth doing yesterday.

Compromise: the art of dividing a cake so that everybody believes he or she got the biggest piece.

All the toilets in New York’s police stations have been stolen. The police have nothing to go on.

We waste time, so you don’t have to.

If At First You Don’t Succeed... Blame Someone Else And Seek Counseling.

Sometimes I think the surest sign that intelligent life exists elsewhere in the universe is that none of it has tried to contact us.

If you choke a smurf, what colour does it turn?

“Banking establishments are more dangerous than standing armies”. — Thomas Jefferson

It’s hard to face the problem, when the problem is your face.

If the human brain were so simple that we could understand it, we would be so simple we couldn’t.

Stupidity is not a handicap. Park elsewhere!

It is said that if you line up all the cars in the world end to end, someone would be stupid enough to try and pass them.

“Reader, suppose you were an idiot. And suppose you were a member of Congress. But I repeat myself”. — Mark Twain

Show me a piano falling down a mineshaft and I’ll show you A-flat minor.

Allow me to introduce my selves.

There are 3 kinds of people: those who can count and those who can’t.

“You can always count on Americans to do the right thing—after they’ve tried everything else” – Winston Churchill

Those who can laugh without cause have either found the true meaning of happiness or have gone stark raving mad.

This guy walks into a bar and the barman says “Ouch, that must have hurt”

There are 10 types of people in the world: Those who understand binary, and those who don’t.

The trouble with the rat race is that even if you win, you’re still a rat.

He who smiles in a crisis has found someone to blame.

I used up all my sick days, so I’m calling in dead.

I installed a skylight in my apartment. The people who live above me are furious.

“Things are more like they are now than they ever were before.” – Former U.S. President Dwight D. Eisenhower

Time flies like an arrow – fruit flies like a banana.

Seen it all, done it all, can’t remember most of it.

Marriage is not a word; it is a sentence.

To err is human – and to blame it on a computer is even more so.

Youth is a wonderful thing. What a crime to waste it on children.

Well if this is the wrong number, why did you answer it?

People don’t grow up; they just learn how to act in public.

I had amnesia once or twice.

“As a matter of fact” is an expression that precedes many an expression that isn’t.

Am I getting smart with you? How would you know?

I always wanted to be a procrastinator, never got around to it though.

Lord, if you won’t make me skinny, please make all my friends fat.

England has no kidney bank, but it does have a Liverpool.

I wondered why the baseball was getting bigger. Then it hit me.

The second day of a diet is alway easier than the first. By the second day, you’re off it.

My husband and I divorced over religious differences... He thought he was God and I didn’t.

I stayed up all night to see where the sun went. Then it dawned on me.

Some people are going to leave a mark on this world, while others will leave a stain.

Tip the world over on its side and everything loose will land in Los Angeles.

Plagiarism saves time.

Don’t be irreplaceable; if you cannot be replaced, you cannot be promoted.

“If women didn’t exist, all the money in the world would have no meaning.” – Aristotle Onassis

Leftists are among the first to speak of their rights.

My one regret in life is that I am not someone else.

Consciousness: that annoying time between naps.

So Many Pedestrians – So Little Time.

Five out of four people have trouble with fractions.

The day I can’t do my job drunk is the day I turn in my badge and gun.

If I were two-faced, would I be wearing this one?

One martini is all right, two is too many, and three is not enough.

Broken pencils are pointless.

Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.

Why is the third hand on the watch called a second hand?

The dumber people think you are, the more surprised they’re going to be when you kill them—Rodney Dangerfield

“I think there is a world market for maybe five computers.” — Thomas Watson, chairman of IBM, 1943.

I married Miss Right. I just didn’t know her first name was Always.

If we learn by our mistakes, some of us are getting one hell of an education!

Always do sober what you said you’d do drunk. That will teach you to keep your mouth shut.

“Few things are harder to put up with than a good example.”—Mark Twain

Time is a great teacher, but unfortunately it kills all its pupils.

Good judgement comes from experience. Experience comes from bad judgement.

If you’re not confused, you’re not paying attention.

A baby sitter is a teenager acting like an adult while the adults are out acting like teenagers.

Men don’t care what’s on TV. They only care what else is on TV.

Why don’t you ever see the headline “Psychic Wins Lottery”?

Even crime wouldn’t pay if the government ran it.

If puns were outlawed, only outlaws would have puns.

My mind works like lightning. One brilliant flash and it is gone.

When a clock is hungry, it goes back four seconds.

If at first you don’t succeed, skydiving is not your sport.

There are two kinds of people, those who finish what they start, and so on.

Chaos, panic, & disorder – my work here is done.

Keyboard not detected. Press F1 to continue

He’s so lazy. I’ve seen him step into a revolving door and wait.

Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy.

Be careful when reading health books; you may die of a misprint.

Constipated People Don’t Give A Crap.

Never argue with an idiot. They drag you down to their level then beat you with experience.

A bargain is something you don’t need at a price you can’t resist.

I tried sniffing Coke once, but the ice cubes got stuck in my nose.

In this world, nothing is certain but death and taxes. – Benjamin Franklin

Always try to be modest and be proud of it!

Make three correct guesses consecutively and you will establish yourself as an expert.

I’ve always wanted to be normal, but lately I’ve come to suspect that this is it.

You have the right to your opinions. I just don’t want to hear them.

Streakers beware: Your end is in sight.

I take everything I can for my kleptomania.

Democracy is the recurrent suspicion that more than half of the people are right more than half of the time.

If you can’t convince them, confuse them.

Honest criticism is hard to take, particularly from a relative, a friend, an acquaintance, or a stranger.

“Managing senior programmers is like herding cats” — Dave Platt.

When you come to a fork in the road, take it.

Laugh at your problems; everybody else does.

If the French were really intelligent, they’d speak English.

Honesty is the best policy, but insanity is a better defence.

It is not my interest to pay the principal, nor my principal to pay the interest.

Why do we wash bath towels, aren’t we clean when we use them?

Never put off until tomorrow what you can avoid altogether.

A synonym is a word you use when you can’t spell the word you first thought of.

The art of flying is to throw yourself at the ground and miss.

If I’d known I was going to live this long, I’d have taken better care of myself.

I’m an idealist: I don’t know where I’m going, but I’m on my way.

Macho Law prohibits me from admitting I’m wrong.

What happens if you get scared half to death twice?

To succeed in politics, it is often necessary to rise above your principles.

When in doubt, mumble.

“When in doubt tell the truth.”—Mark Twain

I used to think I was indecisive, but now I’m not sure.

An egotist has one point in his favour – he doesn’t go round talking about other people.

Stupidity is not a handicap! Park somewhere else!

“The best thing about the future is that it comes only one day at a time.” – Abraham Lincoln

If it’s true that we are here to help others, then what exactly are the others here for?

Democracy is a government where you can say what you think even if you don’t think.

I am obviously right, and as you disagree with me, then logically you must be wrong.

I love being married. It’s so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.

Work expands to fill the time available. — PARKINSON’S LAW

It is hard to understand how a cemetery raised its burial charges and blamed it on the cost of living.

I tried to photograph the fog, but I mist.

If Bill Gates had a nickel for every time Windows crashed... oh wait, he does.

In a Norwegian cocktail lounge: Ladies are requested not to have children in the bar.

It’s not hard to meet expenses, they’re everywhere.

What do you call a dinosaur with an extensive vocabulary? A thesaurus.

“I would like to live in Manchester, England. The transition between Manchester and death would be unnoticeable”. — Mark Twain

Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don’t.

Programmer – A red-eyed, mumbling mammal capable of conversing with inanimate objects.

As long as there are tests, there will be prayer in public schools.

“I’ve been on a calendar but I have never been on time” – Marilyn Monroe

I got a job at a bakery because I kneaded dough.

If the world should blow itself up, the last audible voice would be that of an expert saying it can’t be done.

Everybody is ignorant, only on different subjects.

I started out with nothing, and I still have most of it.

Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.

Time’s fun when you’re having flies... Kermit the Frog

Cab drivers are living proof that practice does not make perfect.

Hard work never killed anybody but why take the chance?

Everything is possible; just not too probable.

Bacteria: the only culture some people have.

In the office of a Roman doctor: Specialist in women and other diseases.

Englishmen never will be slaves: they are free to do whatever the Government and public opinion allow them to do.

Blessed are the young, for they shall inherit the national debt.

A pessimist is a man who has been compelled to live with an optimist

Get even – live long enough to be a problem to your kids.

A study in the Washington Post says that women have better verbal skills than men. I just want to say to the authors of that study: “Duh.”— Conan O’Brien

Mines are equal opportunity weapons.

Of course, we are all worms—but I like to think, at least, that I am a glow-worm. – Winston Churchill

Every morning is the dawn of a new error.

Advertisement for donkey rides in Thailand: Would you like to ride on your own ass?

Success always occurs in private, and failure in full public view.

Don’t use a big word where a diminutive one will suffice.

If you try and don’t succeed, cheat. Repeat until caught. Then lie.

I think, therefore I am single.

Plato is dead, Einstein is dead, and I’m not feeling too good myself...

Support bacteria – they’re the only culture some people have.

You look like a million dollars. All green and wrinkled.

When Chemists die, they barium.

History will be kind to me for I intend to write it. – Winston Churchill

“If builders built buildings the way programmers write programs, then the first woodpecker that came along would destroy civilization” — Weinberg’s Second Law.

Never put both feet in your mouth at the same time, because then you don’t have a leg to stand on.

If it’s 0 degrees today and it’s going to be twice as cold tomorrow... how cold will it be?

You can’t have everything. Where would you put it?

Did you hear about the cross-eyed teacher who lost her job because she couldn’t control her pupils?

I married my wife for her looks... but not the ones she’s been giving me lately!

I don’t like people who take drugs... Customs Officers for example.

There’s a fine line between genius and insanity. I have erased this line.

Isn’t having a smoking section in a restaurant like having a peeing section in a swimming pool?

Early to rise, early to bed, makes a man healthy but socially dead.

I don’t want to achieve immortality through my work. I want to achieve immortality through not dying.

We are going on a field trip to the Coca-Cola factory. I hope there are no pop quizzes.

I spilled spot remover on my dog. Now he’s gone.

If you can’t convince them, confuse them.

If it weren’t for the last minute, nothing would ever get done.

Jokes about German sausage are the wurst.

What Has Four Legs And An Arm? A Happy Pit Bull.

As the light changed from red to green to yellow and back to red again, I sat there thinking about life. Was it nothing more than a bunch of honking and yelling? Sometimes it seemed that way.

Once, during prohibition, I was forced to live for days on nothing but food and water.

Jokes about German sausage are the wurst.

If a man opens a car door for a woman, either the car is new or the woman.

Solitude is fine, but you need someone to tell you that solitude is fine.

“War does not determine who is right - only who is left.” – Bertrand Russell

Everyone hates me because I’m paranoid.

We have two ends. One for sitting and one for thinking. Our success depends on which one we use most.

Why is it called tourist season if we can’t shoot at them?

I spent most of my money on booze, drugs and women... The rest I wasted!

I don’t suffer from stress. I’m a carrier.

A printer consists of three main parts: the case, the jammed paper tray and the blinking red light

Mental Floss prevents Moral Decay.

It is not what a teenager knows that bothers his parents. It is how he found out.

What do you call a dinosaur with an extensive vocabulary? A thesaurus.

The difference between a stepping-stone and a stumbling block can be when you see it.

Velcro — what a rip off!

Military intelligence is a contradiction in terms.

I like children. Properly cooked.

I always wanted to be somebody, but I should have been more specific.

A cartoonist was found dead in his home. Details are sketchy.

PMS jokes aren’t funny. Period.

If con is the opposite of pro, congress is the opposite of progress.

There is nothing so annoying as to have two people go right on talking when you’re interrupting.

Being a philosopher, I have a problem for every solution.

I plead contemporary insanity.

“How can a president not be an actor?” – when asked “How could an actor become president?” – Ronald Reagan

A conclusion is simply the place where you got tired of thinking.

The shortest distance between two points is under construction.

It is a small world, but I wouldn’t like to have to paint it.

“I wish everyone was peaceful. Then I could take over the planet with a butter knife”—Dogbert

Quantum: Noun, word used to sound like I know what I’m talking about while discussing physics I’ve never actually studied.

Errors have been made. Others will be blamed.

Succeed in spite of management. Aim Low; Reach Your Goals, Avoid Disappointment.

I used to be a banker, but then I lost interest.

Half of the people in the world are below average.

I Haven’t Lost My Mind, It’s Backed Up On Disk Somewhere.

The sooner you fall behind the more time you’ll have to catch up.

“Inconceivable!” “I do not think that word means what you think it means.”

All men are equal. Some are just more equal than others.

I know a guy who is addicted to brake fluid. He says he can stop anytime.

On a tombstone: I TOLD YOU I WAS SICK

Why does Sea World have a seafood restaurant? I’m halfway through my fish burger and I realize, Oh my gosh... I could be eating a slow learner.

When in trouble, fear or doubt, run in circles, scream and shout.

Humour. It is a difficult concept. It is not logical.

Youth would be an ideal state if it came a little later in life.

Ours is a world where people don’t know what they want and are willing to go through hell to get it.

Never underestimate the power of very stupid people in large groups.

No problem is so big and complicated that it can’t be ran away from.

I used to find him boring until I stopped listening.

“I worked in a pet shop and people kept asking how big I’d get” — Rodney Dangerfield

It is a fitting irony that under Richard Nixon, ‘launder’ became a dirty word.

I love deadlines. I especially like the whooshing sound they make as they go flying by.

Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?

What if there were no hypothetical questions?

When you are arguing with an idiot, make sure the other person isn’t doing the same thing.

I arise in the morning torn between a desire to improve the world and a desire to enjoy the world. This makes it hard to plan the day.

Jack and Jill did it for the insurance.

I don’t suffer from stress. I’m a carrier.

Why is it that to stop Windows, you have to click on “Start”?

Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

Before you give a colleague a piece of your mind, be sure you can spare it.

Lead us not into temptation. Just tell us where it is; we’ll find it.

I often quote myself; it adds spice to my conversation.

You can say any foolish thing to a dog, and the dog will give you a look that says, “My God, you’re right! I never would’ve thought of that!”

The earthquake in Washington obviously was the government’s fault.

On the plus side, death is one of the few things that can be done just as easily as lying down.

“Everyday I beat my own previous record for number of consecutive days I’ve stayed alive.”

Connection Reset By Aboriginal With Wire Cutters

Man who run behind car get exhausted.

Only a fool is astonished by the foolishness of humankind.

“People who drink light beer don’t like the taste of beer; they just like to pee a lot” — Rodney Dangerfield

No sense being pessimistic, it probably wouldn’t work anyway.

Experience is something you do not get until just after you need it.

How do you get an Irishman to burn his ear? Ring him up while he is ironing.

My mind not only wanders, sometimes it leaves completely.

At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be “What is hell?” Come early and listen to our choir practice.

I hate women because they always know where things are.

My life has a superb cast but I can’t figure out the plot.

Being single is like a vacuum. It sucks when you are turned on.

The sooner you fall behind the more time you’ll have to catch up.

“Are you going to come quietly, or do I have to use earplugs?”—Vale Spike Milligan

Half of being smart is knowing what you are dumb at.

Sheep don’t fly so much as plummet.

“Every mighty oak was once just a nut who stood his ground.”

Take my advice, I don’t use it anyway.

I don’t have an attitude problem. You have a perception problem.

When I was a boy I was told that anybody could become president; I’m beginning to believe it.

It’s easy to quit smoking... I’ve done it over 10,000 times.

Bachelors have consciences, married men have wives.

A backwards poet writes inverse.

Some pain is physical, and some is mental, but one that’s both is dental.

If you can’t dazzle them with brilliance... just baffle them with bullsh*t.

Climbers aim for the summit because it is there. Bungi jumpers dive off the top because they aren’t all there.

“Oh dear,” said God, “I hadn’t thought of that,” and promptly vanished in a puff of logic.

I have kleptomania, but when it gets bad, I take something for it. ~ Robert Benchle

According to recent study someone is run over by a car every 5 minutes in the city. You’d think the guy would have enough sense to get out of the street.

Impotence: Nature’s Way Of Saying “No Hard Feelings”.

My parents stayed together for forty years, but that was out of spite.

One day I will get this peer guy and reset his connection.

My husband says I never listen to him (at least I think that’s what he said)

I used to be apathetic, but now I don’t give a damn.

Don’t Be Sexist – Broads Hate That.

Moderation in all things, including moderation.

Life is complex: it has real and imaginary parts.

“I have never let my schooling interfere with my education.”—Mark Twain

I don’t have a solution but I admire the problem.

The trouble with our times is that the future is not what it used to be.

Eagles may soar, but weasels don’t get sucked into jet engines.

Snowmen fall from Heaven unassembled.

How do you keep an Irishman busy? Write P.T.O on both sides of a piece of paper.

Don’t take life too seriously—you’ll never get out of it alive.

Murphy’s Golden Rule: Whoever has the gold makes the rules.

If at first you don’t succeed, destroy all the evidence that you tried.

Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way when you criticize them, you are a mile away from them and you have their shoes.

The man who fell into an upholstery machine is fully recovered.

Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian any more than going to the garage makes you a car.

It’s not that I’m afraid to die; I just don’t want to be there when it happens.

Don’t talk unless you can improve the silence.

Age always corresponds inversely to the size of your multivitamin.

I wonder how much deeper would the ocean be without sponges.

I’m sorry; you cannot have an outlook on life because it isn’t responding. Microsoft apologises for any inconvenience.

“There are only two things that are infinite: the universe and human stupidity. And I’m not sure about the universe.” A. Einstein

There are three ways to get something done: do it yourself, hire someone, or forbid your kids to do it.

What does a clock do when it’s hungry? It goes back four seconds.

For Sale: Parachute. Only used once, never opened, small stain.

If quizzes are quizzical, what are tests?

Cheer up, the worst is yet to come.

Procrastinate Now!

Insanity is hereditary; you can get it from your children.

Anger is only one letter away from danger.

Is there life before death?

Vote for the man who promises least; he’ll be the least disappointing.

AIBOHPHOBIA – the fear of palindromes.

Outside of a dog, a book is probably man’s best friend, and inside of a dog, it’s too dark to read.

“Heavier-than-air flying machines are impossible.” — Lord Kelvin, president, Royal Society, 1895.

Well, if I called the wrong number, why did you answer the phone?

You can always spot a well-informed man – his views are the same as yours.

If I were someone who knew something, who could I tell that would believe me?

The surprising thing about young fools is how many survive to become old fools.

A bird does not sing because it has an answer—it sings because it has a song.

In a Copenhagen airline ticket office: We take your bags and send them in all directions.

What’s the definition of a will? (It’s a dead giveaway).

“A patriot must always be ready to defend his country against his government”. — Edward Abbey

111,111,111 x 111,111,111 = 12,345,678,987,654,321

I like kids, but I don’t think I could eat a whole one.

If we don’t succeed, we run the risk of failure.

Knowledge is the key, but where is the damn lock?

Not all men are annoying. Some are dead.

If sex is such a natural phenomenon, how come there are so many books on how to do it.

When your IQ reaches 80 –– sell.

Who is General Failure and why is he reading my hard disk?

Partying... oops No Only Parting... sorry

The scientific theory I like best is that the rings of Saturn are composed entirely of lost airline luggage.

Genius is 1% inspiration, and 99% perspiration.

The light at the end of the tunnel has been turned off due to budget cuts.

Men have a much better time of it than women; for one thing, they marry later; for another thing they die earlier.

“Your mouse has moved. Windows must be restarted for the change to take effect. Reboot now ? [OK]”

I took an IQ test and the results were negative.

If ever I get married again it would have to be under an anaesthetic.

Bigamy is having one wife too many. Monogamy is the same. – Oscar Wilde

The human brain is a wonderful thing. It starts working the moment you are born, and never stops until you stand up to speak in public.

I didn’t like my beard at first. Then it grew on me.

Outside a Hong Kong tailor shop: Ladies may have a fit upstairs.

The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.

Pick your friends but not to pieces.

If you can’t beat your computer at chess, try kickboxing.

Lots of people know a good thing the minute the other fellow sees it first.

I don’t believe in astrology. I am a Sagittarius and we’re very skeptical. ~ Arthur C. Clarke

Being in the army is like being in the Boy Scouts, except that the Boy Scouts have adult supervision.

“The web is a dominatrix. Every where I turn, I see little buttons ordering me to Submit.” — Nytwind.

“On two occasions I have been asked [by members of Parliament!]: ‘Pray, Mr. Babbage, if you put into the machine wrong figures, will the right answers come out ?’ I am not able rightly to apprehend the kind of confusion of ideas that could provoke such a question.” — Charles Babbage.

I am free of all prejudices. I hate everyone equally.

“You, you and you: panic. The rest of you, come with me.”

Promises are like babies: fun to make, but hell to deliver.

Marriage changes passion... suddenly you’re in bed with a relative.

Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying of nothing.

A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat.

The number of people watching you is directly proportional to the stupidity of your action.

My reality check just bounced.

Remember half the people you know are below average.

On the keyboard of life, always keep one finger on the escape key.

I work hard because millions on welfare depend on me.

A day without sun shine is like, you know, night.

Maybe I’m lucky to be going so slowly, because I may be going in the wrong direction.

If you don’t learn to laugh at troubles, you won’t have anything to laugh at when you grow old.

Man who drive like hell bound to get there.

It is hard enough to remember my opinions, without also remembering my reasons for them!

Illiterate? Write For Help.

If trees could scream, would we be so cavalier about cutting them down? We might, if they screamed all the time, for no good reason.

Be thankful for problems. If they were less difficult, someone with less ability might have your job.

If a woman has to choose between catching a fly ball and saving an infant’s life, she will choose to save the infant’s life without even considering if there is a man on base.—Dave Barry

A clean tie attracts the soup of the day.

When all other means of communication fail, try words.

Acupuncture is a jab well done.

To define recursion, we must first define recursion.

I don’t meet competition. I crush it

A procrastinator’s work is never done.

Everybody is somebody else’s weirdo.

All those who believe in psycho kinesis raise my hand.

In democracy it’s your vote that counts. In feudalism it’s your count that votes.

I’m not into working out. My philosophy: No pain, no pain.

I think animal testing is a terrible idea; they get all nervous and give the wrong answers.

Someday we’ll look back on all this and plow into the back of a parked car.

Man who eat many prunes get good run for money.

I am amazed at radio DJ’s today. I am firmly convinced that AM on my radio stands for Absolute Moron. I will not begin to tell you what FM stands for.

I have the body of a GOD – Buddha.

My girlfriend told me I should be more affectionate. So I got two more girlfriends.

How did Moses make his tea? Hebrews it.

“Thinking is the hardest work there is, which is probably why so few engage in it”. — Henry Ford

99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.

TEAMWORK... means never having to take all the blame yourself.

The only reason some people get lost in thought is because it’s unfamiliar territory.

Everybody is ignorant, only on different subjects.

I stayed up all night to see where the sun went. Then it dawned on me.

You’re not drunk if you can lie on the floor without holding on.

Comedy is tragedy plus time.

In elementary school, in case of fire, you have to line up quietly in a single file line from smallest to tallest. What is the logic? Do tall people burn slower?

Artificial Intelligence is no match for Natural Stupidity.

We Quit Voting Will They All Go Away?

There are two kinds of people, those who finish what they start, and so on.

Tips for Vegetarians: Hit a chicken enough times and it turns into a vegetable.

If olive oil comes from olives, where does baby oil come from?

If at first you don’t succeed, try, try again. Then quit. There’s no use being a damned fool about it.

Madness takes its toll. Please have exact change.

Better to remain silent and be thought a fool, than to speak and remove all doubt.

I’m out of my mind, but feel free to leave a message.

All my life, I always wanted to be somebody. Now I see that I should have been more specific.

Ninety-nine per cent of the people in the world are fools and the rest of us are in great danger of contagion.

An army of deer led by a lion is more to be feared than an army of lions led by a deer.

People can be divided into three groups: Those who make things happen, those who watch things happen, and those who wonder what happened.

A conscience does not prevent sin. It only prevents you from enjoying it.

Men occasionally stumble over the truth, but most of them pick themselves up and hurry off as if nothing had happened. – Winston Churchill

Money is flat and meant to be piled up. – Scottish Proverb

They say if you play a Microsoft CD backwards you hear satanic messages. That’s nothing, if you play it forwards it installs Windows.

We spend the first twelve months of our children’s lives teaching them to walk and talk and the next twelve telling them to sit down and shut up.

Without question, the greatest invention in the history of mankind is beer. Oh, I grant you that the wheel was also a fine invention, but the wheel does not go nearly as well with pizza.

If you can’t be kind, at least have the decency to be vague.

One should forgive one’s enemies, but not before they are hanged.

A soldier who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran.

Every time I look at you I get a fierce desire to be lonesome.

How do you sink an Irish Submarine? Knock on the hatch.

Seeing a murder on television...will help work off one’s antagonisms. And if you haven’t any antagonisms, the commercials will give you some.

Nick Overruled - Democratic Majority Decision

Anything’s possible... apart from skiing through a revolving door.

An Irish man was driving to the airport when he saw a sign saying ‘Airport – Left’... So he went home.

Men’s faults are many, women have only two. Everything they say, and everything they do.

Some people are alive only because it’s illegal to kill them.

The best computer is a man, and it’s the only one that can be mass-produced by unskilled labour.

I am a nobody, nobody is perfect, therefore I’m perfect.

The fellow who thinks he knows it all is especially annoying to those of us who do.

The world is full of willing people; some willing to work, the rest willing to let them.

The only difference between Genius and Insanity... is success.

I did a theatrical performance about puns. It was a play on words.

I’m an apathetic sociopath – I’d kill you if I cared.

Hang in there; retirement is only thirty years away.

Originality is the fine art of remembering what you hear, but forgetting where you heard it.

Computers make it easy to do a lot of things, but most of the things that make it easier to do don’t need to be done.

When life hands you a lemon, make lemonade.

I’m desperately trying to figure out why kamikaze pilots wore helmets.

Don’t look back. Something may be gaining on you.

Anywhere is walking distance, if you’ve got the time.

Whenever I feel like exercise, I lie down until the feeling passes.

I had some words with my wife, and she had some paragraphs with me.

How Many Roads Must A Man Travel Down Before He Admits He Is Lost?

We must believe in free will, we have no choice.

By the time a man realises that his father was right, he has a son who thinks he’s wrong.

An egotist is a person of low taste—more interested in himself than in me.

If you do not make dust, you eat dust.

I get enough exercise just pushing my luck.

If someone with multiple personalities threatens suicide... is it considered a hostage situation?

People who think they know everything are annoying to those of us who do.

Where you stand depends on where you sit.

IRS: We’ve got what it takes to take what you’ve got.

A guy got arrested for playing the guitar. He was fingering a minor.

I majored in liberal arts. Will that be for here or to go?

In a Rome laundry: Ladies, leave your clothes here and spend the afternoon having a good time.

I wished the buck stopped here, as I could use a few.

Time is God’s way of keeping everything from happening at once.

Warning: Dates in Calendar are closer than they appear.

I haven’t spoken to my wife for 18 months: I don’t like to interrupt her.

If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?

If you’re born again, do you have two bellybuttons?

A drop of ink may make a million think.

A bachelor is a man who comes to work from a different direction each morning.

Hypochondria is the only disease I haven’t got.

Some people say that I must be a horrible person, but that’s not true. I have the heart of a young boy – in a jar on my desk.

Character is what you are in the dark.

For people who like peace and quiet – a phoneless cord.

I love work; it fascinates me; I can sit and watch it for hours.

In the beginning, God created earth and rested. Then God created man and rested. Then God created woman. Since then, neither God nor man has rested.

They told me I had type A blood, but it was a Type O

Just remember... if the world didn’t suck, we’d all fall off.

Everybody lies, but it doesn’t matter since nobody listens.

From the moment I picked your book up until I laid it down I was convulsed with laughter. Some day I intend reading it.

I was the next door kid’s imaginary friend.

Get a new car for your spouse – it’ll be a great trade!

It is wiser to find out than to suppose.—Mark Twain

Love is like an hourglass, with the heart filling up as the brain empties.

I have great faith in fools; my friends call it self-confidence.

“I’d rather have a bottle in front of me, than a frontal lobotomy”. — Tom Waits

“Auntie Em: hate you, hate Kansas, taking the dog.” – Dorothy

He does the work of three men: Larry, Moe and Curly.

Most vegetarians look so much like the food they eat that they can be classified as cannibals.

God must love stupid people, he made so many.

The chance of a piece of bread falling with the buttered side down is directly proportional to the cost of the carpet.

Shin: a device for finding furniture in the dark.

I don’t necessarily agree with everything I say.

Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?

Man does not live by words alone, despite the fact that sometimes he has to eat them.

Wine divulges truth.

System Error - Windows Loaded

If automobiles had followed the same development cycle as the computer, a Rolls Royce would today cost $100, get a million miles per gallon, and explode once a year, killing everyone inside.

I laugh in the face of danger, except if I’m involved.

When he first ran for office, he appealed to the voters: “I never stole anything in my life. All I ask is a chance.”

Marathon runners with bad footwear suffer the agony of defeat.

A dog that attends a flea circus most likely will steal the whole show.

“Reading computer manuals without the hardware is as frustrating as reading sex manuals without the software.” — Arthur C. Clarke.

“There are two major products that come out of Berkeley: LSD and UNIX. We don’t believe this to be a coincidence.” — Jeremy S. Anderson

“Life is a waste of time, time is a waste of life, so get wasted all of the time and have the time of your life”. — Tom Waits

Living is not worth dying for.

“Always be sincere, even when you don’t mean it”. — Irene Peter

Never buy a car you can’t push.

Restarting System - Mouse Moved

I’ve been trying for some time to develop a life style that doesn’t require my presence.

At the age of six I wanted to be a cook. At seven I wanted to be Napoleon. And my ambition has been growing steadily ever since.

Under capitalism, man exploits man. Under Communism, it’s just the opposite.

I’m quite easy to get along with, once you learn to beckon at my every call and yield to all my desires.

As a final incentive before giving up a difficult task, try to imagine it successfully accomplished by someone you violently dislike.

Remember the teakettle; though up to its neck in hot water, it continues to sing.

Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.

Someone sent me a postcard picture of the earth. On the back it said, “Wish you were here.”

“Einstein argued that there must be simplified explanations of nature, because God is not capricious or arbitrary. No such faith comforts the software engineer.” — Fred Brooks.

INDECISION is the key to FLEXIBILITY.

I’m reading a book about anti-gravity. I can’t put it down.

I don’t enjoy computer jokes; not one bit.

Latest survey shows that 3 out of 4 people make up 75% of the world’s population.

e=mc^2 where m = the number of cooks required to spoil the broth

Be kind to your dentist. He has fillings, too.

A diplomatic husband said to his wife, how do you expect me to remember your birthday when you never look any older?

What sane person could live in this world and not be crazy?

It has recently been discovered that research causes cancer in rats.

Caution – Driver Legally Blonde!

I can please only one person per day. Today is not your day. Tomorrow isn’t looking good either.

I dropped out of communism class because of lousy Marx.

Save the whales. Collect the whole set.

Man shoots neighbour with machete [The Miami Herald, July 3]

Mind like a steel trap – rusty and illegal in most states.

How do I set a laser printer to stun?

If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?

“Hey, I’ve got reasons for what I’m doing,” REALLY MEANS, “I sure hope I think of some pretty soon.”

Early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.

Energizer Bunny arrested: Charged with battery.

If a job is worth doing well get someone else to do it.

Proofread carefully to see if you any words out.

I envy people who drink – at least they know what to blame everything on.

“I’ve noticed that everyone who is for abortion has already been born.” – Ronald Reagan

If you don’t know where you are going, you will wind up somewhere else.

Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?

Men are from earth. Women are from earth. Deal with it.

Instead of getting married again, I’m going to find a woman I don’t like and just give her a house.—Rod Stewart

Does this smell like chloroform to you?

The trouble with life is there’s no background music.

“He has been given a large brain by mistake, since for him the spinal cord would fully suffice.” — Albert Einstein

You’re such an inspiration for the way I’ll never choose to be.

There are very few personal problems that cannot be solved through a suitable application of high explosives.

Alcohol: the cause of, and solution to, all of life’s problems.

Be nice to your kids. They’ll choose your nursing home.

If you can stay calm, while all around you is chaos... then you probably haven’t completely understood the situation.

How do you spot an Irishman at a carwash? He’s the one on the bike.

In the beginning, there was nothing. Then God said, “Let there be light,” and there was still nothing, but you could see it.

There are only three kinds of people; people who can count and people who can’t.

Smoking cures weight problems...eventually...

Laugh and the world laughs with you; snore and you sleep alone.

If a President doesn’t do it to his wife, he’ll do it to his country.

I have gone to look for myself, if I should return before I get back, keep me here.

I have spent my whole life looking for the perfect woman, and now I’ve found her. Too bad she’s looking for the perfect man.

Slow is when someone laps you in the hundred-yard dash

Cole’s Law: Thinly sliced cabbage.

It doesn’t matter what temperature the room is; it’s always room temperature.

“The object of war is not to die for your country but to make the other bastard die for his.” – General George Patton

Remember... Marriage is the number one cause of divorce. Statistically, 100% of all divorces started with marriage.

Venison for dinner again? Oh deer!

One good turn gets most of the blankets.

The short fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.

I have noticed that the people who are late are often so much jollier that the people who have to wait for them.

Bachelors know more about women than married men; if they didn’t they’d be married too.

“You start coding. I’ll go find out what they want.” — Computer analyst to programmer

“Blink your eyelids periodically to lubricate your eyes.” — Page 16 of the HP “Environmental, Health Safety Handbook for Employees”.

A penny saved is a Congressional spending oversight.

He who trains his tongue to quote the learned sages, will be known far and wide as a smart ass.

In a Budapest zoo: Please do not feed the animals. If you have any suitable food, give it to the guard on duty.

This Would Be Really Funny If It Weren’t Happening To Me.

I Refuse To Have A Battle Of Wits With An Unarmed Person.

He often broke into song because he couldn’t find the key.

Hemp is a herb. Bush is a dope.

Optimists believe we live on the greatest world. Pessimists believe this is true.

Authority makes some people grow – and others just swell.

Years ago fairy tales began with “Once upon a time...” Now it’s “If I am elected...”

Confidence is the feeling you have before you understand the situation

Gossip: The art of saying nothing while leaving nothing unsaid.

You have to stay in shape. My grandmother, she started walking five miles a day when she was 60. She’s 97 today and we don’t know where the hell she is.

If we aren’t supposed to eat animals, why are they made of meat?

Anything not nailed down is a cat toy.

If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?

I thought I made a mistake once, but I was wrong.

You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They left a little note on the windscreen, it said ‘Parking Fine.’

Friends may come and go, but enemies accumulate

If money talks, it ain’t on speakin’ terms with me.

Don’t use a big word where a diminutive one will suffice.

Age is a very high price to pay for maturity.

The secret of success is sincerity. Once you can fake that you’ve got it made.

I hope that after I die, people will say of me: “That guy sure owed me a lot of money.”

“I believe in equality for everyone, except reporters and photographers”. — Gandhi

In a Tokyo shop: Our nylons cost more than common, but you’ll find they are best in the long run.

Life... I don’t get it...

I thought I wanted a career, turns out I just wanted paychecks.

Anything not nailed down is mine. Anything I can pry loose is not nailed down.

It’s just a job. Grass grows, birds fly, waves pound the sand. I just beat people up. – Muhammad Ali

If you’re not wasted, the day is.

Why is the man that invests your money called a broker?

Where do you find an Irish woodworm? Dead inside a brick.

I’d explain it to you, but your brain would explode.

If vegetable oil comes from vegetables, where does baby oil come from?

The most powerful force in the universe is gossip.

I’d give my right arm to be ambidextrous.

I intend to live forever – so far, so good.

Santa’s helpers are subordinate clauses.

You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.

“There is no reason anyone would want a computer in their home.” — Ken Olson, founder of Digital Equipment Corp., 1977.

If people concentrated on the really important things in life, there’d be a shortage of fishing poles.

I think that’s how Chicago got started. A bunch of people in New York said, “Gee, I’m enjoying the crime and the poverty, but it just isn’t cold enough. Let’s go west.”—Richard Jeni

I live in my own little world, but it’s ok they know me here.

Money can’t buy happiness, but it sure makes misery easier to live with.

Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

Sometimes I wake up grumpy; other times I let her sleep

When you get a bladder infection, urine trouble.

Horn broken. Watch for finger. (on bumper sticker)

A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a train stops. On my desk I have a workstation...

“My wife made me join a bridge club. I jump off next Tuesday” — Rodney Dangerfield

We’ve made great medical progress in the last generation. What used to be merely an itch is now an allergy.

It is even harder for the average ape to believe that he has descended from man.

Any ship can be a minesweeper... once.

Smith & Wesson — the original point and click interface.

The truth is a precious commodity. That’s why I use it so sparingly.

Doctor, Doctor I keep getting pains in the eye when I drink coffee. Have you tried taking the spoon out?

Just because your head is the biggest doesn’t mean it contains the right ideas.

Prediction is extremely difficult. Especially about the future.

A person who smiles in the face of adversity... probably has a scapegoat.

Quantum mechanics: The dreams stuff is made of.

If all you have is a hammer, everything looks like a nail.

Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.

An Apple a day keeps the doctor away. But... an onion a day keeps everyone away.

Age is an issue of mind over matter. If you don’t mind, it doesn’t matter.

To find out a girl’s faults, praise her to her girl friends.

Work: It isn’t just for sleeping anymore.

How can you come out of a closet if you never went in there in the first place?

When I’m not in my right mind, my left mind gets pretty crowded

A dyslexic man walks into a bra.

“When you starve with a tiger, the tiger starves last”. — Griffin’s Thought

“This ‘telephone’ has too many shortcomings to be seriously considered as a means of communication.” — Western Union internal memo, 1876.

Red Tape Holds Up New Bridge!

It’s bad luck to be superstitious.

“My computer NEVER loc

Time sneaks up on you like a windshield on a bug.

Honk if you love peace and quiet.

“If carrots are so good for the eyes, how come I see so many dead rabbits on the highway?”

I couldn’t repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.

Some people are alive only because it’s illegal to kill them.

It’s important to be open-minded, but not SO open-minded that your brains fall out.

Age is a question of mind over matter. If you don’t mind, it don’t matter.

Bacteria: the only culture some people have.

Nothing means nothing, but it isn’t really nothing because nothing is something that isn’t.

Anything that can become tangled around something else, will.

If you think nobody cares if you’re alive, try missing a couple of car payments.

Having more money doesn’t make you happier. I have 50 million dollars but I’m just as happy as when I had 48 million. ~ Arnold Schwarzenegger.

Hope sees the invisible, feels the intangible and achieves the impossible.

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