Amusing Quotes & One-Liners

In democracy it’s your vote that counts. In feudalism it’s your count that votes.

“C++ : Where friends have access to your private members.” — Gavin Russell Baker.

Always try to be modest and be proud of it!

If people concentrated on the really important things in life, there’d be a shortage of fishing poles.

Not all men are annoying. Some are dead.

I wished the buck stopped here, as I could use a few.

I was the next door kid’s imaginary friend.

I take everything I can for my kleptomania.

Slow is when someone laps you in the hundred-yard dash

Snowmen fall from Heaven unassembled.

Anything not nailed down is a cat toy.

I fear my inferiority complex is not as good as yours.

On a tombstone: I TOLD YOU I WAS SICK

I majored in liberal arts. Will that be for here or to go?

If Bill Gates had a nickel for every time Windows crashed... oh wait, he does.

Legend: a lie that has attained the dignity of age.

A guy got arrested for playing the guitar. He was fingering a minor.

To err is human – and to blame it on a computer is even more so.

My favorite mythical creature? The honest politician.

“There are two major products that come out of Berkeley: LSD and UNIX. We don’t believe this to be a coincidence.” — Jeremy S. Anderson

I don’t have an attitude problem. You have a perception problem.

I hate women because they always know where things are.

The art of flying is to throw yourself at the ground and miss.

I plead contemporary insanity.

“You start coding. I’ll go find out what they want.” — Computer analyst to programmer

The world is full of willing people; some willing to work, the rest willing to let them.

“Your mouse has moved. Windows must be restarted for the change to take effect. Reboot now ? [OK]”

I don’t approve of political jokes... I’ve seen too many of them get elected.

I love work; it fascinates me; I can sit and watch it for hours.

If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?

Instead of getting married again, I’m going to find a woman I don’t like and just give her a house.—Rod Stewart

Next time you wave, use all your fingers.

Age is a question of mind over matter. If you don’t mind, it don’t matter.

Everyone needs belief in something. I believe I’ll have another beer.

Go the extra mile. It makes your boss look like an incompetent slacker.

Englishmen never will be slaves: they are free to do whatever the Government and public opinion allow them to do.

Why don’t you ever see the headline “Psychic Wins Lottery”?

Always remember you’re unique, just like everyone else.

Age is an issue of mind over matter. If you don’t mind, it doesn’t matter.

Connection Reset By Aboriginal With Wire Cutters

I am a nobody, nobody is perfect, therefore I’m perfect.

Jokes about German sausage are the wurst.

I used to find him boring until I stopped listening.

When in trouble, fear or doubt, run in circles, scream and shout.

Cleverly Disguised As A Responsible Adult.

Most vegetarians look so much like the food they eat that they can be classified as cannibals.

When I was a boy I was told that anybody could become president; I’m beginning to believe it.

Work expands to fill the time available. — PARKINSON’S LAW

I like kids, but I don’t think I could eat a whole one.

If I’d known I was going to live this long, I’d have taken better care of myself.

Those who can laugh without cause have either found the true meaning of happiness or have gone stark raving mad.

Prediction is extremely difficult. Especially about the future.

Anything not nailed down is mine. Anything I can pry loose is not nailed down.

A drop of ink may make a million think.

Am I getting smart with you? How would you know?

Why does Sea World have a seafood restaurant? I’m halfway through my fish burger and I realize, Oh my gosh... I could be eating a slow learner.

What does a clock do when it’s hungry? It goes back four seconds.

A clean tie attracts the soup of the day.

Where you stand depends on where you sit.

I couldn’t repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.

If you can’t convince them, confuse them.

Success always occurs in private, and failure in full public view.

You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say will be misquoted then used against you.

If a man opens a car door for a woman, either the car is new or the woman.

Everybody is ignorant, only on different subjects.

Save the whales. Collect the whole set.

Early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.

Moderation in all things, including moderation.

The trouble with jogging is that, by the time you realise you’re not in shape for it, it’s far too far to walk back.

A procrastinator’s work is never done.

Programmer – A red-eyed, mumbling mammal capable of conversing with inanimate objects.

It is not my interest to pay the principal, nor my principal to pay the interest.

Men occasionally stumble over the truth, but most of them pick themselves up and hurry off as if nothing had happened. – Winston Churchill

Marathon runners with bad footwear suffer the agony of defeat.

I live in my own little world, but it’s ok they know me here.

The trouble with life is there’s no background music.

The difference between a stepping-stone and a stumbling block can be when you see it.

Well, this day was a total waste of makeup.

I wondered why the baseball was getting bigger. Then it hit me.

“The web is a dominatrix. Every where I turn, I see little buttons ordering me to Submit.” — Nytwind.

“The object of war is not to die for your country but to make the other bastard die for his.” – General George Patton

Isn’t having a smoking section in a restaurant like having a peeing section in a swimming pool?

It is even harder for the average ape to believe that he has descended from man.

Lots of people know a good thing the minute the other fellow sees it first.

Cluster bombing from B-52s is very, very accurate – the bombs always hit the ground.

Before marriage, a man yearns for the woman he loves. After marriage, the ‘Y’ becomes silent.

It’s not hard to meet expenses, they’re everywhere.

I like children. Properly cooked.

The second day of a diet is alway easier than the first. By the second day, you’re off it.

A bargain is something you don’t need at a price you can’t resist.

Heck is where people go who don’t believe in gosh.

I’m quite easy to get along with, once you learn to beckon at my every call and yield to all my desires.

It’s just a job. Grass grows, birds fly, waves pound the sand. I just beat people up. – Muhammad Ali

Get a new car for your spouse – it’ll be a great trade!

We are going on a field trip to the Coca-Cola factory. I hope there are no pop quizzes.

Ours is a world where people don’t know what they want and are willing to go through hell to get it.

If I were someone who knew something, who could I tell that would believe me?

There are two kinds of people, those who finish what they start, and so on.

In a Rome laundry: Ladies, leave your clothes here and spend the afternoon having a good time.

Hard work never killed anybody but why take the chance?

I didn’t like my beard at first. Then it grew on me.

Lord, if you won’t make me skinny, please make all my friends fat.

Is there life before death?

It is a small world, but I wouldn’t like to have to paint it.

Bachelors have consciences, married men have wives.

“If carrots are so good for the eyes, how come I see so many dead rabbits on the highway?”

A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat.

When Chemists die, they barium.

Some people are going to leave a mark on this world, while others will leave a stain.

My reality check just bounced.

Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.

It’s hard to face the problem, when the problem is your face.

The sooner you fall behind the more time you’ll have to catch up.

He who smiles in a crisis has found someone to blame.

“The generation of random numbers is too important to be left to chance.” — Robert R. Coveyou, Oak Ridge National Laboratory.

Plan to be spontaneous tomorrow.

Plato is dead, Einstein is dead, and I’m not feeling too good myself...

Be kind to your dentist. He has fillings, too.

Man who drive like hell bound to get there.

If the world should blow itself up, the last audible voice would be that of an expert saying it can’t be done.

A hangover is the wrath of grapes.

If you choke a smurf, what colour does it turn?

If you can’t be kind, at least have the decency to be vague.

Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7th of your life.

On the keyboard of life, always keep one finger on the escape key.

Everybody is somebody else’s weirdo.

Is Disney World the only people trap operated by a mouse?

“Then he ran into my knife. He ran into my knife ten times.” – Chicago

Chipped dishes never break.

Some pain is physical, and some is mental, but one that’s both is dental.

What sane person could live in this world and not be crazy?

Money can’t buy happiness, but it sure makes misery easier to live with.

Consciousness: that annoying time between naps.

I arise in the morning torn between a desire to improve the world and a desire to enjoy the world. This makes it hard to plan the day.

e=mc^2 where m = the number of cooks required to spoil the broth

Two signs from a Majorcan shop entrance: English well speaking / Here speeching American.

A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a train stops. On my desk I have a workstation...

He’s so lazy. I’ve seen him step into a revolving door and wait.

Friends may come and go, but enemies accumulate

If ever I get married again it would have to be under an anaesthetic.

I love deadlines. I especially like the whooshing sound they make as they go flying by.

My parents stayed together for forty years, but that was out of spite.

If you do not make dust, you eat dust.

I don’t have a solution but I admire the problem.

As a final incentive before giving up a difficult task, try to imagine it successfully accomplished by someone you violently dislike.

If olive oil comes from olives, where does baby oil come from?

I am not a vegetarian because I love animals; I am a vegetarian because I hate plants.

I love cats – they taste just like chicken.

Some people are alive only because it’s illegal to kill them.

How did Moses make his tea? Hebrews it.

Climbers aim for the summit because it is there. Bungi jumpers dive off the top because they aren’t all there.

A soldier who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran.

Men’s faults are many, women have only two. Everything they say, and everything they do.

Modesty is a virtue of fools.

As the light changed from red to green to yellow and back to red again, I sat there thinking about life. Was it nothing more than a bunch of honking and yelling? Sometimes it seemed that way.

Doctor, Doctor You’ve got to help me – I just can’t stop my hands shaking. Do you drink a lot? Not really – I spill most of it!

If puns were outlawed, only outlaws would have puns.

If you’re not wasted, the day is.

I guess traffic in the city is improving a little. Yesterday, I drove clear across town and only had to shave twice.

When I’m not in my right mind, my left mind gets pretty crowded

Constipated People Don’t Give A Crap.

Where do you find an Irish woodworm? Dead inside a brick.

Smoking cures weight problems...eventually...

People with narrow minds usually have broad tongues.

“Everyday I beat my own previous record for number of consecutive days I’ve stayed alive.”

Always do sober what you said you’d do drunk. That will teach you to keep your mouth shut.

I am free of all prejudices. I hate everyone equally.

I’m an idealist: I don’t know where I’m going, but I’m on my way.

Whenever there is any doubt, there is no doubt.

When all other means of communication fail, try words.

I married Miss Right. I just didn’t know her first name was Always.

This girl said she recognized me from the vegetarian club, but I’d never met herbivore

Money is better than poverty, if only for financial reasons.

Be thankful for problems. If they were less difficult, someone with less ability might have your job.

There are very few personal problems that cannot be solved through a suitable application of high explosives.

Make three correct guesses consecutively and you will establish yourself as an expert.

Seeing a murder on television...will help work off one’s antagonisms. And if you haven’t any antagonisms, the commercials will give you some.

Conscience is the inner voice warning us that someone may be looking.

Democracy is a process by which people are free to choose the man who will get the blame.

Velcro — what a rip off!

If we aren’t supposed to eat animals, why are they made of meat?

Time flies like an arrow – fruit flies like a banana.

If at first you don’t succeed, try, try again. Then quit. There’s no use being a damned fool about it.

The truth is a precious commodity. That’s why I use it so sparingly.

This guy walks into a bar and the barman says “Ouch, that must have hurt”

“How can a president not be an actor?” – when asked “How could an actor become president?” – Ronald Reagan

Despite the cost of living it’s still very popular.

If sex is such a natural phenomenon, how come there are so many books on how to do it.

Never buy a car you can’t push.

“When you starve with a tiger, the tiger starves last”. — Griffin’s Thought

If you want your spouse to listen and pay strict attention to every word you say, talk in your sleep.

Time sneaks up on you like a windshield on a bug.

Take my advice, I don’t use it anyway.

Nothing means nothing, but it isn’t really nothing because nothing is something that isn’t.

How do you get an Irishman to burn his ear? Ring him up while he is ironing.

Jack and Jill did it for the insurance.

It is not what a teenager knows that bothers his parents. It is how he found out.

I don’t enjoy computer jokes; not one bit.

“Oh dear,” said God, “I hadn’t thought of that,” and promptly vanished in a puff of logic.

When you come to a fork in the road, take it.

If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?

I get enough exercise just pushing my luck.

I’m sorry; you cannot have an outlook on life because it isn’t responding. Microsoft apologises for any inconvenience.

We’ve made great medical progress in the last generation. What used to be merely an itch is now an allergy.

Bigamy is having one wife too many. Monogamy is the same. – Oscar Wilde

I’m in no shape to exercise.

My husband says I never listen to him (at least I think that’s what he said)

I Haven’t Lost My Mind, It’s Backed Up On Disk Somewhere.

If you don’t know where you are going, you will wind up somewhere else.

One day I will get this peer guy and reset his connection.

I am amazed at radio DJ’s today. I am firmly convinced that AM on my radio stands for Absolute Moron. I will not begin to tell you what FM stands for.

Love is like an hourglass, with the heart filling up as the brain empties.

If At First You Don’t Succeed... Blame Someone Else And Seek Counseling.

I used to think I was indecisive, but now I’m not sure.

How do I set a laser printer to stun?

I have great faith in fools; my friends call it self-confidence.

Being single is like a vacuum. It sucks when you are turned on.

I have spent my whole life looking for the perfect woman, and now I’ve found her. Too bad she’s looking for the perfect man.

Red Tape Holds Up New Bridge!

Life is far too important to be taken seriously.

You’re such an inspiration for the way I’ll never choose to be.

When you get a bladder infection, urine trouble.

Don’t take life too seriously—you’ll never get out of it alive.

All those who believe in psycho kinesis raise my hand.

Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?

Be careful when reading health books; you may die of a misprint.

Optimists believe we live on the greatest world. Pessimists believe this is true.

I envy people who drink – at least they know what to blame everything on.

Nick Overruled - Democratic Majority Decision

Only a fool is astonished by the foolishness of humankind.

You can say any foolish thing to a dog, and the dog will give you a look that says, “My God, you’re right! I never would’ve thought of that!”

If trees could scream, would we be so cavalier about cutting them down? We might, if they screamed all the time, for no good reason.

I don’t necessarily agree with everything I say.

Vote for the man who promises least; he’ll be the least disappointing.

We waste time, so you don’t have to.

The chance of a piece of bread falling with the buttered side down is directly proportional to the cost of the carpet.

Man shoots neighbour with machete [The Miami Herald, July 3]

“He has been given a large brain by mistake, since for him the spinal cord would fully suffice.” — Albert Einstein

At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be “What is hell?” Come early and listen to our choir practice.

I can please only one person per day. Today is not your day. Tomorrow isn’t looking good either.

Arguing on the Internet is like competing in the Special Olympics – even if you win, you are still retarded.

I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol.

Just because your head is the biggest doesn’t mean it contains the right ideas.

What if there were no hypothetical questions?

Seen it all, done it all, can’t remember most of it.

Men are from earth. Women are from earth. Deal with it.

Killed - Personality Incompatibility

My mind works like lightning. One brilliant flash and it is gone.

The shortest distance between two points is under construction.

Latest survey shows that 3 out of 4 people make up 75% of the world’s population.

If at first you don’t succeed, destroy all the evidence that you tried.

I laugh in the face of danger, except if I’m involved.

“I’ve been on a calendar but I have never been on time” – Marilyn Monroe

If at first you don’t succeed, skydiving is not your sport.

The trouble with the rat race is that even if you win, you’re still a rat.

“Few things are harder to put up with than a good example.”—Mark Twain

The most powerful force in the universe is gossip.

Women like silent men. They think they’re listening.

I know a guy who is addicted to brake fluid. He says he can stop anytime.

I spilled spot remover on my dog. Now he’s gone.

Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?

My life has a superb cast but I can’t figure out the plot.

When you do not know what you are doing, do it neatly.

“Reader, suppose you were an idiot. And suppose you were a member of Congress. But I repeat myself”. — Mark Twain

Artificial Intelligence is no match for Natural Stupidity.

The dumber people think you are, the more surprised they’re going to be when you kill them—Rodney Dangerfield

The light at the end of the tunnel has been turned off due to budget cuts.

It is hard to understand how a cemetery raised its burial charges and blamed it on the cost of living.

“Things are more like they are now than they ever were before.” – Former U.S. President Dwight D. Eisenhower

An egotist has one point in his favour – he doesn’t go round talking about other people.

Don’t use a big word where a diminutive one will suffice.

People can be divided into three groups: Those who make things happen, those who watch things happen, and those who wonder what happened.

Energizer Bunny arrested: Charged with battery.

I stayed up all night to see where the sun went. Then it dawned on me.

Hemp is a herb. Bush is a dope.

They say you only use ten percent of your brain. What about the other ten?

As long as there are tests, there will be prayer in public schools.

One good thing about repeating your mistakes is that you know when to cringe.

There are two kinds of people, those who finish what they start, and so on.

What hair color do they put on the driver’s licenses of bald men?

If you think nobody cares if you’re alive, try missing a couple of car payments.

Remember half the people you know are below average.

I think animal testing is a terrible idea; they get all nervous and give the wrong answers.

If you don’t know why I’m mad at you, then I’m certainly not going to tell you

The short fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.

“Auntie Em: hate you, hate Kansas, taking the dog.” – Dorothy

An Irish man was driving to the airport when he saw a sign saying ‘Airport – Left’... So he went home.

What do you call a dinosaur with an extensive vocabulary? A thesaurus.

On the plus side, death is one of the few things that can be done just as easily as lying down.

Marriage changes passion... suddenly you’re in bed with a relative.

Genius is 1% inspiration, and 99% perspiration.

Somewhere on this globe, every ten seconds, is a woman giving birth to a child. She must be found and stopped.

My girlfriend told me I should be more affectionate. So I got two more girlfriends.

I majored in liberal arts. Will that be for here or to go?

This Would Be Really Funny If It Weren’t Happening To Me.

We Quit Voting Will They All Go Away?

Horn broken. Watch for finger. (on bumper sticker)

INDECISION is the key to FLEXIBILITY.

Chaos, panic, & disorder – my work here is done.

Man does not live by words alone, despite the fact that sometimes he has to eat them.

System Error - Windows Loaded

Why is the man that invests your money called a broker?

Anything’s possible... apart from skiing through a revolving door.

If you don’t learn to laugh at troubles, you won’t have anything to laugh at when you grow old.

The beatings will continue until morale improves.

A conscience does not prevent sin. It only prevents you from enjoying it.

We spend the first twelve months of our children’s lives teaching them to walk and talk and the next twelve telling them to sit down and shut up.

“This report, by its very length, defends itself against the risk of being read”. — Winston Churchill

Time is a great teacher, but unfortunately it kills all its pupils.

Why were the Indians here first? They had reservations.

I’m reading a book about anti-gravity. I can’t put it down.

The most precious thing we have is life. Yet it has absolutely no trade-in value.

Did you hear about the cross-eyed teacher who lost her job because she couldn’t control her pupils?

If at first you don’t succeed, try management.

If life was fair, Elvis would be alive and all the impersonators would be dead.

A person who smiles in the face of adversity... probably has a scapegoat.

It’s important to be open-minded, but not SO open-minded that your brains fall out.

Why is it that doctors call what they do “practice”?

Tell me what you need, and I’ll tell you how to get along without it.

If we don’t succeed, we run the risk of failure.

Allow me to introduce my selves.

Computers make it easy to do a lot of things, but most of the things that make it easier to do don’t need to be done.

I want to die peacefully in my sleep like my grandfather, not screaming in abject horror like his passengers.

I either want less corruption, or more chance to participate in it.

I installed a skylight in my apartment. The people who live above me are furious.

Stupidity is not a handicap! Park somewhere else!

Connection Reset - Insufficient Electrons

“War does not determine who is right - only who is left.” – Bertrand Russell

I used to think I was indecisive, but now I’m not sure.

I used to be a banker, but then I lost interest.

By the time a man realises that his father was right, he has a son who thinks he’s wrong.

Anyone can admit they were wrong; the true test is admitting it to someone else.

If you want a committed man, look in a mental hospital.

Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.

Time’s fun when you’re having flies... Kermit the Frog

There’s a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot.

Experience is something you do not get until just after you need it.

What’s another word for Thesaurus?

People who think they know everything are annoying to those of us who do.

Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?

I wonder how much deeper would the ocean be without sponges.

Booze is the answer. I don’t remember the question.

The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.

Stupidity is not a handicap. Park elsewhere!

A poor excuse is like an old bucket; doesn’t matter what shape it is in, as long as it holds water.

The best computer is a man, and it’s the only one that can be mass-produced by unskilled labour.

Everybody lies, but it doesn’t matter since nobody listens.

Remember the teakettle; though up to its neck in hot water, it continues to sing.

Blessed are the young, for they shall inherit the national debt.

This mind intentionally left blank

Hang in there; retirement is only thirty years away.

Leftists are among the first to speak of their rights.

“I worked in a pet shop and people kept asking how big I’d get” — Rodney Dangerfield

“How come we choose from just two people to run for president and 50 for Miss America?”

Time is God’s way of keeping everything from happening at once.

You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.

Everybody has a photographic memory. Some don’t have film.

No problem is so big and complicated that it can’t be ran away from.

Age always corresponds inversely to the size of your multivitamin.

If you’re born again, do you have two bellybuttons?

When a clock is hungry, it goes back four seconds.

The human brain is a wonderful thing. It starts working the moment you are born, and never stops until you stand up to speak in public.

I changed my iPod’s name to Titanic. It’s syncing now.

In a Norwegian cocktail lounge: Ladies are requested not to have children in the bar.

Insanity is hereditary; you can get it from your children.

He does the work of three men: Larry, Moe and Curly.

Democracy is the recurrent suspicion that more than half of the people are right more than half of the time.

It doesn’t matter what temperature the room is; it’s always room temperature.

If a woman has to choose between catching a fly ball and saving an infant’s life, she will choose to save the infant’s life without even considering if there is a man on base.—Dave Barry

If con is the opposite of pro, congress is the opposite of progress.

For people who like peace and quiet – a phoneless cord.

There is no such thing as an underestimate of average intelligence

When life hands you a lemon, make lemonade.

Wine divulges truth.

Show me a piano falling down a mineshaft and I’ll show you A-flat minor.

It is well to remember the entire population of the universe, with one trifling exception, is composed of others.

“You can always count on Americans to do the right thing—after they’ve tried everything else” – Winston Churchill

Who is General Failure and why is he reading my hard disk?

All men are equal. Some are just more equal than others.

If it weren’t for the last minute, nothing would ever get done.

“Blink your eyelids periodically to lubricate your eyes.” — Page 16 of the HP “Environmental, Health Safety Handbook for Employees”.

I don’t want to achieve immortality through my work. I want to achieve immortality through not dying.

I’m not afraid of heights, only widths.

“Heavier-than-air flying machines are impossible.” — Lord Kelvin, president, Royal Society, 1895.

I did a theatrical performance about puns. It was a play on words.

I haven’t spoken to my wife for 18 months: I don’t like to interrupt her.

Anything that can become tangled around something else, will.

If you can stay calm, while all around you is chaos... then you probably haven’t completely understood the situation.

Originality is the fine art of remembering what you hear, but forgetting where you heard it.

Best way to get a man to do something, is to suggest they are too old for it.

Politicians are people who, when they see the light at the end of the tunnel, go out and buy more tunnel.

When your IQ reaches 80 –– sell.

There is nothing so annoying as to have two people go right on talking when you’re interrupting.

The earthquake in Washington obviously was the government’s fault.

Some people say that I must be a horrible person, but that’s not true. I have the heart of a young boy – in a jar on my desk.

My mind not only wanders, sometimes it leaves completely.

Gossip: The art of saying nothing while leaving nothing unsaid.

“Are you going to come quietly, or do I have to use earplugs?”—Vale Spike Milligan

Jokes about German sausage are the wurst.

Outside of a dog, a book is probably man’s best friend, and inside of a dog, it’s too dark to read.

I’m out of my mind, but feel free to leave a message.

He who trains his tongue to quote the learned sages, will be known far and wide as a smart ass.

“Reading computer manuals without the hardware is as frustrating as reading sex manuals without the software.” — Arthur C. Clarke.

It’s not that I’m afraid to die; I just don’t want to be there when it happens.

There’s a difference between being open-minded and having a hole in your head

Just remember... if the world didn’t suck, we’d all fall off.

Knowledge is the key, but where is the damn lock?

A dog that attends a flea circus most likely will steal the whole show.

“My computer NEVER loc

You look like a million dollars. All green and wrinkled.

Macho Law prohibits me from admitting I’m wrong.

Marriage is a three-ring circus: engagement ring, wedding ring, and suffering.

Someone sent me a postcard picture of the earth. On the back it said, “Wish you were here.”

It is a fitting irony that under Richard Nixon, ‘launder’ became a dirty word.

Half our life is spent trying to find something to do with the time we have rushed through life trying to save.

Brilliant, but with the social skills of a thermonuclear device.

We must believe in free will, we have no choice.

“I wish everyone was peaceful. Then I could take over the planet with a butter knife”—Dogbert

I have noticed that the people who are late are often so much jollier that the people who have to wait for them.

Plagiarism saves time.

Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

A printer consists of three main parts: the case, the jammed paper tray and the blinking red light

Laugh at your problems; everybody else does.

Applying computer technology is simply finding the right wrench to pound in the correct screw.

Years ago fairy tales began with “Once upon a time...” Now it’s “If I am elected...”

Everything you like is bad for you in some way.

I always wanted to be somebody, but I should have been more specific.

Never go to a doctor whose office plants have died.

“As a matter of fact” is an expression that precedes many an expression that isn’t.

All the toilets in New York’s police stations have been stolen. The police have nothing to go on.

Whenever I feel like exercise, I lie down until the feeling passes.

All my life, I always wanted to be somebody. Now I see that I should have been more specific.

“I believe in equality for everyone, except reporters and photographers”. — Gandhi

What do you call a dinosaur with an extensive vocabulary? A thesaurus.

Keyboard not detected. Press F1 to continue

Ninety-nine per cent of the people in the world are fools and the rest of us are in great danger of contagion.

“Always be sincere, even when you don’t mean it”. — Irene Peter

A study in the Washington Post says that women have better verbal skills than men. I just want to say to the authors of that study: “Duh.”— Conan O’Brien

The more time you spend in reporting on what you are doing, the less time you have to do it in. Stability is achieved when you spend all your time doing nothing but reporting on the nothing you are doing.

How can you come out of a closet if you never went in there in the first place?

Men don’t care what’s on TV. They only care what else is on TV.

To B or not to B? *kills the B* I HATE BEES!!!! – LynxofCP

Don’t use a big word where a diminutive one will suffice.

Restarting System - Mouse Moved

If everything is coming your way, you are probably in the wrong lane.

An Apple a day keeps the doctor away. But... an onion a day keeps everyone away.

Never underestimate the power of very stupid people in large groups.

I don’t like people who take drugs... Customs Officers for example.

I had amnesia once or twice.

The only reason some people get lost in thought is because it’s unfamiliar territory.

One of the greatest labour-saving inventions today is tomorrow.

The trouble with our times is that the future is not what it used to be.

The scientific theory I like best is that the rings of Saturn are composed entirely of lost airline luggage.

Never argue with an idiot. They drag you down to their level then beat you with experience.

What’s the definition of a will? (It’s a dead giveaway).

A pessimist is a man who has been compelled to live with an optimist

The only difference between Genius and Insanity... is success.

I thought I made a mistake once, but I was wrong.

Nobody can be exactly like me. Even I have trouble doing it.

From the moment I picked your book up until I laid it down I was convulsed with laughter. Some day I intend reading it.

Partying... oops No Only Parting... sorry

I don’t suffer from stress. I’m a carrier.

I can resist everything except temptation.

I like to start my periods with sentences.

The number of people watching you is directly proportional to the stupidity of your action.

“This ‘telephone’ has too many shortcomings to be seriously considered as a means of communication.” — Western Union internal memo, 1876.

PMS jokes aren’t funny. Period.

I have kleptomania, but when it gets bad, I take something for it. ~ Robert Benchle

I’d explain it to you, but your brain would explode.

If you don’t know where you are going, you might wind up someplace else.

Remember, half the people you know are below average.

Anger is only one letter away from danger.

“People who drink light beer don’t like the taste of beer; they just like to pee a lot” — Rodney Dangerfield

If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?

It’s bad luck to be superstitious.

Oh, don’t fuss. I just cut myself. It’s no big deal,” REALLY MEANS, “I have actually severed a limb, but will bleed to death before I admit I’m hurt.”

Every morning is the dawn of a new error.

AIBOHPHOBIA – the fear of palindromes.

Life... I don’t get it...

“When in doubt tell the truth.”—Mark Twain

Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don’t.

At the age of six I wanted to be a cook. At seven I wanted to be Napoleon. And my ambition has been growing steadily ever since.

If you can’t convince them, confuse them.

“Hey, I’ve got reasons for what I’m doing,” REALLY MEANS, “I sure hope I think of some pretty soon.”

Youth is a wonderful thing. What a crime to waste it on children.

Procrastinate Now!

Advertisement for donkey rides in Thailand: Would you like to ride on your own ass?

We have two ends. One for sitting and one for thinking. Our success depends on which one we use most.

If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?

On the other hand you have different fingers.

If someone with multiple personalities threatens suicide... is it considered a hostage situation?

Help Wanted: Telepath. You know where to apply.

Get even – live long enough to be a problem to your kids.

“You, you and you: panic. The rest of you, come with me.”

Mental Floss prevents Moral Decay.

Five out of four people have trouble with fractions.

The day I can’t do my job drunk is the day I turn in my badge and gun.

Hypochondria is the only disease I haven’t got.

Living is not worth dying for.

I always wanted to be a procrastinator, never got around to it though.

Humour. It is a difficult concept. It is not logical.

Sheep don’t fly so much as plummet.

Does your train of thought have a caboose?

Madness takes its toll. Please have exact change.

Brain: an apparatus with which we think we think.

Accept that some days you’re the pigeon, and some days you’re the statue.

To find out a girl’s faults, praise her to her girl friends.

“Managing senior programmers is like herding cats” — Dave Platt.

Bacteria: the only culture some people have.

The sooner you fall behind the more time you’ll have to catch up.

Shin: a device for finding furniture in the dark.

So Many Pedestrians – So Little Time.

If it weren’t for electricity we’d all be watching television by candlelight?

Mind like a steel trap – rusty and illegal in most states.

I’m an apathetic sociopath – I’d kill you if I cared.

Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying of nothing.

Eat a live toad first thing in the morning, and nothing worse can happen to you the rest of the day.

Laughing stock: cattle with a sense of humour.

Pardon my driving, I am reloading.

“The best thing about the future is that it comes only one day at a time.” – Abraham Lincoln

Well if this is the wrong number, why did you answer it?

I often quote myself; it adds spice to my conversation.

A baby sitter is a teenager acting like an adult while the adults are out acting like teenagers.

You’re not drunk if you can lie on the floor without holding on.

Sometimes I wake up grumpy; other times I let her sleep

I’ve always wanted to be normal, but lately I’ve come to suspect that this is it.

You have the right to your opinions. I just don’t want to hear them.

“My wife made me join a bridge club. I jump off next Tuesday” — Rodney Dangerfield

Acupuncture is a jab well done.

A conclusion is simply the place where you got tired of thinking.

“I think there is a world market for maybe five computers.” — Thomas Watson, chairman of IBM, 1943.

If it’s 0 degrees today and it’s going to be twice as cold tomorrow... how cold will it be?

Errors have been made. Others will be blamed.

Quantum mechanics: The dreams stuff is made of.

I’m not into working out. My philosophy: No pain, no pain.

He who laughs last thinks slowest.

Don’t be irreplaceable; if you cannot be replaced, you cannot be promoted.

A diplomatic husband said to his wife, how do you expect me to remember your birthday when you never look any older?

Caution – Driver Legally Blonde!

I Refuse To Have A Battle Of Wits With An Unarmed Person.

Age is a very high price to pay for maturity.

There are 3 kinds of people: those who can count and those who can’t.

Cab drivers are living proof that practice does not make perfect.

In elementary school, in case of fire, you have to line up quietly in a single file line from smallest to tallest. What is the logic? Do tall people burn slower?

A backwards poet writes inverse.

If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?

Don’t talk unless you can improve the silence.

Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

“Every mighty oak was once just a nut who stood his ground.”

You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They left a little note on the windscreen, it said ‘Parking Fine.’

I don’t suffer from stress. I’m a carrier.

The fellow who thinks he knows it all is especially annoying to those of us who do.

Why is the third hand on the watch called a second hand?

Remember... Marriage is the number one cause of divorce. Statistically, 100% of all divorces started with marriage.

If a job is worth doing well get someone else to do it.

I’ve been trying for some time to develop a life style that doesn’t require my presence.

I love being married. It’s so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.

Succeed in spite of management. Aim Low; Reach Your Goals, Avoid Disappointment.

Proofread carefully to see if you any words out.

It has recently been discovered that research causes cancer in rats.

I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.

The amount of work to be done increases in proportion to the amount of work already completed. — VAIL’S SECOND AXIOM

Don’t Be Sexist – Broads Hate That.

How do you spot an Irishman at a carwash? He’s the one on the bike.

Why is it called tourist season if we can’t shoot at them?

A committee is a body that keeps minutes and wastes hours.

I used to be a Kleptomaniac, But now I’m taking something for it

In the beginning, God created earth and rested. Then God created man and rested. Then God created woman. Since then, neither God nor man has rested.

When in doubt, mumble.

“A patriot must always be ready to defend his country against his government”. — Edward Abbey

Never put off until tomorrow what you can avoid altogether.

I work hard because millions on welfare depend on me.

Bacteria: the only culture some people have.

Statistics are like bikinis – What they reveal is suggestive, but what they conceal is vital.

There are 10 types of people in the world: Those who understand binary, and those who don’t.

A team effort is a lot of people doing what I say

According to recent study someone is run over by a car every 5 minutes in the city. You’d think the guy would have enough sense to get out of the street.

A synonym is a word you use when you can’t spell the word you first thought of.

Does this smell like chloroform to you?

Everything is possible; just not too probable.

The surprising thing about young fools is how many survive to become old fools.

Fundamentalism: Believe in a kind, loving God or we’ll kill you!

I used to be apathetic, but now I don’t give a damn.

I took an IQ test and the results were negative.

I generally avoid temptation unless I can’t resist it.

I think that’s how Chicago got started. A bunch of people in New York said, “Gee, I’m enjoying the crime and the poverty, but it just isn’t cold enough. Let’s go west.”—Richard Jeni

Half of being smart is knowing what you are dumb at.

The man who fell into an upholstery machine is fully recovered.

Sometimes I think the surest sign that intelligent life exists elsewhere in the universe is that none of it has tried to contact us.

“On two occasions I have been asked [by members of Parliament!]: ‘Pray, Mr. Babbage, if you put into the machine wrong figures, will the right answers come out ?’ I am not able rightly to apprehend the kind of confusion of ideas that could provoke such a question.” — Charles Babbage.

I have the body of a GOD – Buddha.

When he first ran for office, he appealed to the voters: “I never stole anything in my life. All I ask is a chance.”

Cheer up, the worst is yet to come.

He often broke into song because he couldn’t find the key.

Some people are alive only because it’s illegal to kill them.

Half of the people in the world are below average.

Doctor, Doctor I keep getting pains in the eye when I drink coffee. Have you tried taking the spoon out?

One should forgive one’s enemies, but not before they are hanged.

“If women didn’t exist, all the money in the world would have no meaning.” – Aristotle Onassis

I intend to live forever – so far, so good.

One good turn gets most of the blankets.

I took a speed reading course and read ‘War and Peace’ in twenty minutes. It involves Russia. Enough women for four.

“Thinking is the hardest work there is, which is probably why so few engage in it”. — Henry Ford

One martini is all right, two is too many, and three is not enough.

If you can’t dazzle them with brilliance... just baffle them with bullsh*t.

If you’re not confused, you’re not paying attention.

Venison for dinner again? Oh deer!

I don’t believe in astrology. I am a Sagittarius and we’re very skeptical. ~ Arthur C. Clarke

Character is what you are in the dark.

The dictionary is the only place where success comes before work.

Sheep don’t fly so much as plummet.

Blessed are those who can laugh at themselves, they will never cease to be amused.

You’ll never get to heaven if you’re scared of getting high.

Work: It isn’t just for sleeping anymore.

Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian any more than going to the garage makes you a car.

My one regret in life is that I am not someone else.

Eagles may soar, but weasels don’t get sucked into jet engines.

You have to stay in shape. My grandmother, she started walking five miles a day when she was 60. She’s 97 today and we don’t know where the hell she is.

To define recursion, we must first define recursion.

There are two types of people in this world, good and bad. The good sleep better, but the bad seem to enjoy the waking hours much more.

If vegetable oil comes from vegetables, where does baby oil come from?

Youth would be an ideal state if it came a little later in life.

People don’t grow up; they just learn how to act in public.

I spent most of my money on booze, drugs and women... The rest I wasted!

Whenever people agree with me, I always feel I must be wrong.

Democracy is a government where you can say what you think even if you don’t think.

I tried to photograph the fog, but I mist.

How do you sink an Irish Submarine? Knock on the hatch.

I used up all my sick days, so I’m calling in dead.

Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.

Confidence is the feeling you have before you understand the situation.

Eagles may soar, but weasels don’t get sucked into jet engines.

Ever stop to think and forget to start again?

If quizzes are quizzical, what are tests?

In this world, nothing is certain but death and taxes. – Benjamin Franklin

In the office of a Roman doctor: Specialist in women and other diseases.

They say if you play a Microsoft CD backwards you hear satanic messages. That’s nothing, if you play it forwards it installs Windows.

Money is flat and meant to be piled up. – Scottish Proverb

Men have a much better time of it than women; for one thing, they marry later; for another thing they die earlier.

Tips for Vegetarians: Hit a chicken enough times and it turns into a vegetable.

I have gone to look for myself, if I should return before I get back, keep me here.

“#define QUESTION ((bb) || !(bb))” — Shakespeare

Don’t stop to stomp on ants when the elephants are stampeding.

Sex on television can’t hurt you unless you fall off.

I don’t meet competition. I crush it

Eschew obfuscation.

Anywhere is walking distance, if you’ve got the time.

Haunted French pancakes give me the crêpes.

If we learn by our mistakes, some of us are getting one hell of an education!

“If builders built buildings the way programmers write programs, then the first woodpecker that came along would destroy civilization” — Weinberg’s Second Law.

Warning: Dates in Calendar are closer than they appear.

How do you keep an Irishman busy? Write P.T.O on both sides of a piece of paper.

If the human brain were so simple that we could understand it, we would be so simple we couldn’t.

Without question, the greatest invention in the history of mankind is beer. Oh, I grant you that the wheel was also a fine invention, but the wheel does not go nearly as well with pizza.

Where there’s a will, I want to be in it.

If all you have is a hammer, everything looks like a nail.

There are only three kinds of people; people who can count and people who can’t.

I have had more trouble with myself than with any other man I’ve met.

In a Tokyo shop: Our nylons cost more than common, but you’ll find they are best in the long run.

It used to be only death and taxes were inevitable. Now, of course, there’s shipping and handling, too.

Tip the world over on its side and everything loose will land in Los Angeles.

Last night I lay in bed looking up at the stars in the sky and I thought to myself, “Where the heck is the ceiling?”

No sense being pessimistic, it probably wouldn’t work anyway.

The illegal we do immediately. The unconstitutional takes a little longer. – Henry Kissinger

Alcohol: the cause of, and solution to, all of life’s problems.

That which cannot be taken apart will fall apart.

I’m desperately trying to figure out why kamikaze pilots wore helmets.

If I have to work for an idiot, I might as well work for myself.

It’s not true that married men live longer than single men. It only seems longer.

I started out with nothing, and I still have most of it.

I’d give my right arm to be ambidextrous.

Broken pencils are pointless.

Of course, we are all worms—but I like to think, at least, that I am a glow-worm. – Winston Churchill

Confidence is the feeling you have before you understand the situation

A bird in the hand is safer than one overhead.

“I have never let my schooling interfere with my education.”—Mark Twain

Any ship can be a minesweeper... once.

Man who run in front of car get tired.

When you are arguing with an idiot, make sure the other person isn’t doing the same thing.

A bird does not sing because it has an answer—it sings because it has a song.

A penny saved is a Congressional spending oversight.

In a Budapest zoo: Please do not feed the animals. If you have any suitable food, give it to the guard on duty.

Borrow money from pessimists- they don’t expect to get it back.

Compromise: the art of dividing a cake so that everybody believes he or she got the biggest piece.

If the French were really intelligent, they’d speak English.

I stayed up all night to see where the sun went. Then it dawned on me.

Man who eat many prunes get good run for money.

“Einstein argued that there must be simplified explanations of nature, because God is not capricious or arbitrary. No such faith comforts the software engineer.” — Fred Brooks.

Why do we wash bath towels, aren’t we clean when we use them?

How do you know if a fish is Irish? It has drowned.

If you try and don’t succeed, cheat. Repeat until caught. Then lie.

System Error - Windows Loaded

“Life is a waste of time, time is a waste of life, so get wasted all of the time and have the time of your life”. — Tom Waits

Solitude is fine, but you need someone to tell you that solitude is fine.

Quantum: Noun, word used to sound like I know what I’m talking about while discussing physics I’ve never actually studied.

Shin: a device for finding furniture in the dark.

My schoolmates would make love to anything that moved, but I never saw any reason to limit myself.

Honesty is the best policy, but insanity is a better defence.

Everyone hates me because I’m paranoid.

Don’t look back. Something may be gaining on you.

They told me I had type A blood, but it was a Type O

What happens if you get scared half to death twice?

Anyone who told you to be yourself couldn’t have given you worse advice.

Once, during prohibition, I was forced to live for days on nothing but food and water.

Needing someone is like needing a parachute. If he isn’t there the first time you need him, chances are you won’t be needing him again.

Being in the army is like being in the Boy Scouts, except that the Boy Scouts have adult supervision.

Everybody is ignorant, only on different subjects.

Abel Tasman on discovering Tasmania, “Too far south for spices and too close to the rim of the earth to be inhabited by anything but freaks and monsters”

Just because you’re not paranoid doesn’t mean they’re not out to get you.

Marriage is not a word; it is a sentence.

Be nice to your kids. They’ll choose your nursing home.

Under capitalism, man exploits man. Under Communism, it’s just the opposite.

Someday we’ll look back on all this and plow into the back of a parked car.

“There is no reason anyone would want a computer in their home.” — Ken Olson, founder of Digital Equipment Corp., 1977.

Raising teenagers is like trying to nail Jell-O to a tree.

Technology is a way of organizing the universe so that man doesn’t have to experience it.

Laugh and the world laughs with you; snore and you sleep alone.

Life is complex: it has real and imaginary parts.

I hope that after I die, people will say of me: “That guy sure owed me a lot of money.”

Murphy’s Golden Rule: Whoever has the gold makes the rules.

There are three ways to get something done: do it yourself, hire someone, or forbid your kids to do it.

If I were two-faced, would I be wearing this one?

I got a job at a bakery because I kneaded dough.

“You have to be careful about being too careful” – Beryl Pfizer

“I am not worried about the deficit. It is big enough to take care of itself.” – Ronald Reagan

In the beginning, there was nothing. Then God said, “Let there be light,” and there was still nothing, but you could see it.

Impotence: Nature’s Way Of Saying “No Hard Feelings”.

Maybe I’m lucky to be going so slowly, because I may be going in the wrong direction.

Bachelors know more about women than married men; if they didn’t they’d be married too.

Foolproof systems don’t take into account the ingenuity of fools.

Experience is simply the name we give our mistakes.

I’d like to see things your way, but I’m looking in another direction.

“A girl phoned me the other day and said... Come on over, there’s nobody home. I went over. Nobody was home” — Rodney Dangerfield

Man who run behind car get exhausted.

You can always spot a well-informed man – his views are the same as yours.

I was at a bar nursing a beer. My nipple was getting quite soggy.

The early bird gets the worm, but the early worm gets eaten.

Santa’s helpers are subordinate clauses.

After all is said and done, more is said than done.

The only perfect science is hindsight.

Authority makes some people grow – and others just swell.

“Always in motion the future is. Seasick it makes me. That’s why so green I am”. – Yoda

Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy.

If at first you do succeed, try to hide your astonishment.

Outside a Hong Kong tailor shop: Ladies may have a fit upstairs.

Smith & Wesson — the original point and click interface.

I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.

An egotist is a person of low taste—more interested in himself than in me.

“They say hard work never hurt anybody, but I figure why take the chance.” – Ronald Reagan

It is wiser to find out than to suppose.—Mark Twain

Hope sees the invisible, feels the intangible and achieves the impossible.

I have a simple philosophy. Fill what’s empty. Empty what’s full. Scratch where it itches.

When I was young, I could remember anything. Whether it happened or not.

Birthdays are good for you. Statistics show that the people who have the most live the longest.

What Has Four Legs And An Arm? A Happy Pit Bull.

“I have left orders to be awakened at any time in case of national emergency – even if I’m in a Cabinet meeting.” – Ronald Reagan

For Sale: Parachute. Only used once, never opened, small stain.

It is hard enough to remember my opinions, without also remembering my reasons for them!

Lead us not into temptation. Just tell us where it is; we’ll find it.

I married my wife for her looks... but not the ones she’s been giving me lately!

It’s strange, isn’t it. You stand in the middle of a library and go aaaaagghhhh’ and everyone just stares at you. But you do the same thing on an aeroplane, and everyone joins in.

Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.

“I’d rather have a bottle in front of me, than a frontal lobotomy”. — Tom Waits

Well, if I called the wrong number, why did you answer the phone?

Promises are like babies: fun to make, but hell to deliver.

My husband and I divorced over religious differences... He thought he was God and I didn’t.

Illiterate? Write For Help.

In a Copenhagen airline ticket office: We take your bags and send them in all directions.

Cole’s Law: Thinly sliced cabbage.

99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.

To succeed in politics, it is often necessary to rise above your principles.

A cartoonist was found dead in his home. Details are sketchy.

If it’s true that we are here to help others, then what exactly are the others here for?

Even crime wouldn’t pay if the government ran it.

An army of deer led by a lion is more to be feared than an army of lions led by a deer.

A day without sun shine is like, you know, night.

If a President doesn’t do it to his wife, he’ll do it to his country.

History will be kind to me for I intend to write it. – Winston Churchill

It is said that if you line up all the cars in the world end to end, someone would be stupid enough to try and pass them.

How Many Roads Must A Man Travel Down Before He Admits He Is Lost?

The doctor can bury his mistakes but an architect can only advise his client to plant vines.

This comment is printed on 100% recycled electrons.

Honk if you love peace and quiet.

Streakers beware: Your end is in sight.

Never put both feet in your mouth at the same time, because then you don’t have a leg to stand on.

Progress was all right. Only it went on too long.

Make sure your mind isn’t so open that your brains fall out.

Good judgement comes from experience. Experience comes from bad judgement.

England has no kidney bank, but it does have a Liverpool.

“I could tell that my parents hated me. My bath toys were a toaster and a radio” — Rodney Dangerfield

Why is it that to stop Windows, you have to click on “Start”?

Better to remain silent and be thought a fool, than to speak and remove all doubt.

Support bacteria – they’re the only culture some people have.

It’s easy to quit smoking... I’ve done it over 10,000 times.

IRS: We’ve got what it takes to take what you’ve got.

Any task worth doing was worth doing yesterday.

A great many people think they are thinking when they are merely rearranging their prejudices.

“There are only two things that are infinite: the universe and human stupidity. And I’m not sure about the universe.” A. Einstein

Military intelligence is a contradiction in terms.

You can’t have everything. Where would you put it?

Having more money doesn’t make you happier. I have 50 million dollars but I’m just as happy as when I had 48 million. ~ Arnold Schwarzenegger.

Perhaps you’re diagonally parked in a parallel universe?

Comedy is tragedy plus time.

Don’t marry for money. You can borrow it cheaper.

“I would like to live in Manchester, England. The transition between Manchester and death would be unnoticeable”. — Mark Twain

I had some words with my wife, and she had some paragraphs with me.

If you can’t beat your computer at chess, try kickboxing.

If automobiles had followed the same development cycle as the computer, a Rolls Royce would today cost $100, get a million miles per gallon, and explode once a year, killing everyone inside.

I think, therefore I am single.

Being a philosopher, I have a problem for every solution.

Roses are red, Violets are blue. In Soviet Russia, Poems write you.

I tried sniffing Coke once, but the ice cubes got stuck in my nose.

Even paranoids have real enemies.

Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way when you criticize them, you are a mile away from them and you have their shoes.

Pick your friends but not to pieces.

TEAMWORK... means never having to take all the blame yourself.

If money talks, it ain’t on speakin’ terms with me.

“I’ve noticed that everyone who is for abortion has already been born.” – Ronald Reagan

The things that come to those that wait may be the things left by those who got there first.

I heard a man say that brigands demand your money or your life, whereas women require both.

Before you give a colleague a piece of your mind, be sure you can spare it.

There’s a fine line between genius and insanity. I have erased this line.

Every time I look at you I get a fierce desire to be lonesome.

111,111,111 x 111,111,111 = 12,345,678,987,654,321

Early to rise, early to bed, makes a man healthy but socially dead.

If you don’t pay your exorcist you get repossessed.

I dropped out of communism class because of lousy Marx.

A bachelor is a man who comes to work from a different direction each morning.

When angry count four, when very angry, swear.

I’m not dumb; I just have a command of thoroughly useless information.

Two strings walk into a bar. The first string says to the bartender, “Bartender, I’ll have a beer. u.5n$x5t?*&4ru!2[sACCErJ”. The second string says, “Pardon my friend, he isn’t NULL terminated”.

He’s not dead, he’s electroencephalographically challenged.

Mines are equal opportunity weapons.

God must love stupid people, he made so many.

I am obviously right, and as you disagree with me, then logically you must be wrong.

“Inconceivable!” “I do not think that word means what you think it means.”

Love is blind, but marriage is a real eye-opener.

The secret of success is sincerity. Once you can fake that you’ve got it made.

Honest criticism is hard to take, particularly from a relative, a friend, an acquaintance, or a stranger.

“Banking establishments are more dangerous than standing armies”. — Thomas Jefferson

A dyslexic man walks into a bra.

Cheerfulness is contagious, but don’t wait to catch it from others. Be a carrier.

I thought I wanted a career, turns out I just wanted paychecks.

Submit a quote