| Symptom |
Fault |
Action |
| Feet cold and wet |
Glass being held at incorrect angle |
Rotate glass so that open end points toward ceiling |
| Feet warm and wet |
Improper bladder control |
Stand next to nearest dog, complain about house training |
| Beer unusually pale and tasteless |
Glass empty |
Get someone to buy you another beer |
| Opposite wall covered with fluorescent lights |
You have fallen over backward |
Have yourself lashed to bar |
| Mouth contains cigarette butts |
You have fallen forward |
See above |
| Beer tasteless, front of your shirt is wet |
Mouth not open, or glass applied to wrong part of face |
Retire to restroom, practice in mirror |
| Floor blurred |
You are looking through bottom of empty glass |
Get someone to buy you another beer |
| Floor moving |
You are being carried out |
Find out if you are being taken to another bar |
| Room seems unusually dark |
Bar has closed |
Confirm home address with bartender |
| Taxi suddenly takes on colourful aspect and textures |
Beer consumption has exceeded personal limitations |
Cover mouth |
| Everyone looks up to you and smiles |
You are dancing on the table |
Fall on somebody cushy-looking |
| Beer is crystal-clear |
It’s water. Somebody is trying to sober you up |
Punch him |
| Hands hurt, nose hurts, mind unusually clear |
You have been in a fight |
Apologize to everyone you see, just in case it was them |
| Don’t recognize anyone, don’t recognize the room you’re
in |
You’ve wandered into the wrong party |
See if they have free beer |
| Your singing sounds distorted |
The beer is too weak |
Have more beer until your voice improves |
| Don’t remember the words to the song |
Beer is just right |
Play air guitar |