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Year View| Summary| Highlights| Month View| Monday 8 September 2008 (Day View)

08.09.2008Monday 8 September – Ranting

I managed to get up on time and get to work on time—something I’ve been better at since I’ve started going to bed early, mostly as a result of being sick and more tired than usual, though I’ve also lost the motivation to really do much at the moment, some kind of depressing combination of things at the moment have made most of the things I used to do seem pointless. Hopefully I get over it soon. I think it’s a result of losing the (probably false) sense of security I felt I had from the (probably also false) stability of routine I’d fallen into—with my relationships, and renting here. It’s a combination of Mum being ill forcing me to face the reality that my family unit, the one thing that feels like it should always be there as something to fall back on if I need to, won’t be; finding that the lease here is probably not going to be renewed and having to accept that it’s probably not feasible for me at my age to get another cheap rental and expect to be able to find the type of flatmates I’ve been sharing with; and going through some relationship difficulties, realising that I need to sort out what I want from a relationship, and do that.
  The end result of all this has been that I’ve felt like there’s no point doing anything—I feel like the only reason to do most things is because of other people, and I don’t feel like I have any “other people” at the moment. I feel as though doing things without “other people”—no one will know I’ve done anything, so there just isn’t any reason to do anything... It’s mostly mental—nothing has really changed at this point, though things look like they will be changing in the future. It’s something I need to get over.
I walked up to Maz’s, and we walked up to Hungry Jack’s, where I bought a veggie baguette. He took the day off work as he feels like he’s broken a rib from coughing.
I couldn’t sleep, lying in bed until well after three o’clock.

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