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Year View| Summary| Highlights| Month View| Monday 2 June 2003 (Day View)

02.06.2003Monday 2 June

Here I am writing this. I haven’t been to bed. I am upset and depressed and can’t sleep. I guess having slept all yesterday probably doesn’t help either.
I have dreams and aspirations, perhaps they are stupid, I don’t know. Some dreams I have are just dreams, I know they will never be true, but when a dream seems like it can become reality, and then I realise that it is nothing more than a dream after all, then it breaks my heart.
I am so frustrated. Some things seem so easy to do, but are made impossible by the actions of others. Some people are so frustrating. I have just had an argument on chat with someone – they claimed to have said something and that I replied. I never saw them say it, and definitely never replied. They insist I did. How can I hope to argue against something like that? How can anyone even argue that? They even went so far as to say perhaps their ICQ was hacked, presumably meaning that someone hijacked what they actually never said, and replied back to it with what I never said. I can’t believe it. I had quite a long argument about this. Now I am left wondering – are they delusional or just lying? I really don’t know, and I’m not sure what would be better.
I guess I have a problem here. I’ve stayed awake all night, and now I have to try to get to uni without falling asleep on the train and missing my station. I also have to try to stay awake during my lectures and actually learn something. Then when I get home, I’ll have to sleep, instead of study for my exams. I guess I should have gone to bed early last night like a normal person. I think I’m going to fail Mathematical Foundations. In fact, I’m fairly sure I’ll fail. It doesn’t seem possible to pass it – I don’t understand anything at all. I don’t know if I’m an idiot or just haven’t studied. The reason I haven’t studied is that I couldn’t understand it. I’d sit down, look through my text, and be unable to understand even the examples in the text. I am worried because it seems that not only can other people understand it, but also it’s not even considered very hard. I’ve always thought that I was reasonably intelligent, able to grasp ideas quickly and solve problems as fast as most, but now I’m beginning to wonder. Why can’t I understand this course? It’s an introduction to maths, so basically “why can’t I understand maths?” How come everyone else can but I can’t? Perhaps at the start of the course no one else could understand anything but, unlike me, they kept on persevering with it and now they can understand. Maybe they all had a better grounding in math than I had, or possibly, they don’t all understand it and just seem like they do. I know some do because they can answer things in the lectures when I have absolutely no idea what’s going on. People always say, “It all sounds like Greek to me” – now I know what they mean. Anyway, I better go get ready for uni.
I was nice and awake on the train – much more so than on a normal morning. It’s funny how staying awake does that. I had two good lectures, or better than normal anyway, and headed down the labs for a short time before heading home. I stopped at Woodridge and went to the shops, dropped the XMEN DVD back, and bought a few groceries.
I had been lying down dozing for about half an hour when Joe called me to hold the dog while he drove to work. After that I didn’t go back to sleep, but I was too tired to do much study. I sort of awake-dozed the evening away.

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